Virgo
23 August - 22 September Everyone knows you love the saying “Paint the town red.” Stop taking it so literally though. That’s why you’re not welcome in the town of Raufarhöfn anymore!
Libra
23 September - 23 October Life is teaching you a lesson. If you are not nice to people, they won’t like you; except if you’re Simon Cowell, then carry on. The rest of you Libras, stop acting like you’re Simon Cowell.
Scorpio
24 October - 21 November Someone will finally buy that piece of trash car of yours; and call you every time they get stuck inside it. Should have fixed those locks…
Aries
Sagittarius
21 March - 19 April
22 November - 21 December
Even though you like staying in groups, try wandering from the herd once in a while. It is not cool taking your grandmother with you to the toilet—every—single—time. Grow up, man.
That thing you were going to get checked, you know, down there? Oh, get your head out of the gutter, “down there” means down on the ground of course! It will take care of itself; eventually, or you could just move. It is completely up to you - and that guy. Whatever. Consider this your warning.
Taurus
20 April - 20 May Your annoying neighbor will win the lottery this month. That smart ass.
Gemini
21 May - 21 June This month, people won’t be as afraid of you as they have grown accustomed to be. Maybe this is telling you something. Make it your mission to be nicer, or live up to the standards, Scary Spice.
Capricorn
22 December - 19 January You will go to the supermarket and meet the love of your life, or a complete idiot. You will know in the first few minutes. By that time it will already be too late and they will talk your ear off until you get to the bus stop. With your luck they are also taking the same bus as you, and oh look at that, they live in your neighborhood.
Aquarius Cancer
22 June - 22 July Be nicer to your mother and pick up at least every other call from her. She will remember it when she’s out shopping for your birthday present.
20 January - 18 February The odds of losing weight this month are slim to none. Get it, slim to none? Anyway, just enjoy your holiday. Eat, drink and be merry, God knows you deserve it.
Pisces Leo
23 July - 22 August Yes, you have a mane like a Leo, and yes, it’s time to cut it all off. Your neck will thank you for it, and frankly, your shower drain will be quite grateful too.
126
19 February - 20 March That terribly rude person you have to make contact with every day is contemplating being nicer in the future—or kicking the rudeness into overdrive. It has yet to be determined. Disclaimer: This horoscope is total and utter nonsence. Any accuracies, real or imagined by readers, are purely incidental.
WOW Power to the people