In a bold new step towards revitalising its muchcriticised community engagement strategy, the ANU has announced plans to replace On Campus with a full-time ‘Kambri Crier’ on University Avenue. Dressed in traditional black and gold regalia and equipped with a state-of-the-art bell, the crier will deliver updates in a public, transparent, and “experientially rich”format.
“The ANU is on a journey,” said a university spokesperson. “And as we embark on that journey together, it's important that we don't leave our community in the dark.
“Unfortunately, the amount of time we currently
spend sending personalised redundancy notices is just not financially sustainable,” the spokesperson continued.
“That means we need to make some smart choices regarding how we go about streamlining that process.This new structure strikes a sensible balance betweenpublicaccountabilityandefficiency.We'llbe abletohitover600birdswithonestone,sotospeak.”
The representative added that the crier's bell and “ceremonial podium” will be designed by a local artist, in keeping with the ANU's commitment to supporting the arts and fostering a vibrant and inclusive campus environment.•
Not just because it’s dangerous but also because it’s fugly
Purchasers should return to the manufacturer at their earliest convenience.
NOTICE – AT THE REQUEST OF OUR (UNFUNNY) LAWYERS WE HAVE INCLUDED THIS MESSAGE: THIS PUBLICATION IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL AND SATIRICAL. IT CONTAINS NO FACTS WHATSOEVER. YOUR RELIANCE ON THE INFORMATION CONTAINED THEREIN IS ENTIRELY AT YOUR OWN RISK. ANUSM AND WORONI ABSOLUTELY AND ENTIRELY DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY ARISING FROM YOU BEING AN UNDISCERNING, ANTI-FUN MORON IN A HURRY. ^your reading of this work of fiction.
CONTRIBUTORS
Aala Cheema
Jack Davis
Chiara Hackney-Britt
Elinor Hudson
Claudia Hunt
Joseph Mann
Cameron Upton
PHOTOGRAPHY + GRAPHICS
Henry Carls
Joseph Mann
Benjamin Van der Niet
Madeline Grisard
Unsplash, Pixabay and Vecteezy.com
Cover image includes a modified version of a photograph by Reunion, CC-BY 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/ wiki/File:AlanMyatt.jpg
We would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which Woroni operates, the Ngunnawal and Ngambri peoples. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. Their land was forcibly stolen, and sovereignty was never ceded.
The name Woroni, which means “mouth”, was taken from the Wadi Wadi Nation without permission. Consultation with First Nations people recommended that Woroni continue to use the word, provided we acknowledge the theft, and continue to strive for better reconciliation in future. Woroni aims to provide a platform for First Nations students to hold the University, its community, and ourselves accountable. It might sometimes feel as if the worst horrors of colonisation are past, as if they happened in a different, more brutal world than this one. But the same Australian government that took Indigenous children from their families in the 1900s incarcerates children as young as ten years old today, the majority of whom are Indigenous. If we separate ourselves and our times from colonisation, we cannot properly acknowledge and work to amend its long-lasting impact. This land always was, and always will be, Aboriginal land.
ANU’S 2025’S INCOMING CLASS
NUMBERS • Reporting by Claudia Hunt
2214 incoming undergraduate students.
5 states and 2 territories represented.
802 Sydneysiders.
41 students who will move back to Sydney before the end of the year.
690 Melburnians.
690 students who think they dress better than you.
124 students who do dress better than you.
566 students who are just wearing really big shorts, a tie as a scarf, and/or very practical sneakers.
20 Taswegians (real term).
20 students who were subjected to an incest and/or literacy rate joke on their first day.
10 Quakers.
34 students from the Northern Territory.
34 students who are about to freeze to death.
65 Canberrans (townies).
65 students who do not like the term ‘townie’.
10 students who are staying at college even though their parents live in Forrest.
102 students from WA.
102 students using slang easterners can’t comprehend — ‘yak’,‘meat box’, etc.
198 Queenslanders.
13 Queenslanders not from Brisbane.
53 international students.
53 students who are going to be blamed for Australian economic problems they have literally nothing to do with.
350 students studying a Bachelor of Arts.
325 students studying it alongside a second, more employable degree they hate.
25 students who are really, really optimistic about Australia’s job market.
97 students studying a Bachelor of Engineering.
97 students who aren’t going to be able to resist that sweet, sweet weapons manufacturing money when they graduate.
75 students studying a Bachelor of Philosophy.
75 students who will have to keep explaining that it’s not actually about philosophy, it’s like some other shit.
20 Young Liberals.
20 students who don’t want to talk about their politics in coed groups.
2 students who will run for the federal seat of Canberra by the end of their second year.
12 members of Young Labor who are going to ‘push the party left’.
0 students who are actually going to push the party left.
7 new SAlt members.
1 pending, still trapped in a conversation on Uni Ave.
282 law students.
282 USYD law rejects.
282 students who are studying law so they can tell people they’re studying law.
275 studying law alongside a degree they actually care about.
1146 women. 1038 men.
20 students who are nonbinary.
10 students who are about to figure out they’re non-binary. 1000 bisexuals.
54 relationships started in O Week.
33 students doing long distance with partners back home.
2 students making long distance work.
11 students who will cheat on their long distance partners (excluding emotionally).
15 students who will cheat on their long distance partners (including emotionally).
6 new Woroni sub-editors.
6 people who will make Woroni their entire personality. •
The Interactive Student Information System, or ISIS, is being renamed after years of student concern that the system’s acronym too closely resembles that of the IslamicStateofIraqandSyria terrorist group which is also known as ISIS.
ISIS, also known as al-Daesh, is a proscribed terrorist group responsible for a genocide of Yazidis in Iraq, terrorist attacks in Europe, and a reign of terror over much of Central Syria and Northern Iraq in the mid2010s.
The ISIS name was originally picked in the 2000s to follow an Ancient Egyptian theme. The Staff HR system, designed around the same time, is called HORUS (HR OnlineRemoteUserSystem).
ANU
ANU CONSULTS ON NEW NAME FOR ISIS
(NOT THAT ONE)
Options presented in a survey circulated around the university have included:
• StudentSystem (SS)
• NationalStudentsDatabaseandProgram (NSDAP)
• Human Access to Matriculation, Academics, And Scholarship (HAMAS)
• Management of Academics,Grades and Administration (MAGA); and
• UniversalStudentServicesRepository (USSR).
One student told Moroni “I don’t think any of these will solve the problems I have with ISIS… they should really be started all over,” before quickly clarifying, “the ANU app, I mean!”
STOP PRESS -- UPDATE: As Moroni was going to print, the ANU announced the system would be called ANUHub along with a new logo (pictured left). A spokesperson told Moroni, “we are happy to have found a name that avoids all the concerns with ISIS and the other options.”
STUDENT POLITICS
ENVIRO COLLECTIVE SIGNS “INDEPENDENCE” DEAL
WITH WOODSIDE ENERGY
Australian billionaire Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest and ANUSA Environment Officer Sarah Strange have announced a deal to keep the Environment Collective out of the hands of ANUSA President Will Burfoot.
The deal will see the EC become an independent organisation with funding from Woodside, rather than ANUSA’s SSAF allocation. The deal comes after criticism of the EC’s spending by a review handed down earlier this year.
“This is a great deal for all sides”, says 2025 environment officer Sarah Strange, continuing that, “it means we can continue to do environmental activism without having our funding cut off by opportunistic Labor party hacks”.
Twiggy said that the event he was most looking forward to in his new role is Socialist Alternative’s Socialism conference in Sydney this August: “[Former Senate candidate] purplepingers will be great to hear from!”
“We’ll be using the Woodside jet and not a SSAF-funded Murray’s bus”, the businessmanturned-student activist told Moroni. •
Pictured: Student tries to navigate the new student services system
File photo: New deputy Enviro Officer Twiggy Forrest at the Land Forces protest last year
CAMPUS
Chiara Hackney-Britt
ANU SAYS ‘SORRY ABOUT THE
COURSE CUTS’, INTRODUCES NEW
COURSES FOR 2026
After years of “brutal” course cuts forcing students to choose subjects they have no interest in in order to fulfill their degree requirements,
Moroni has received a list of courses that are reportedly being offered in the next academic year. This list is said to have come directly from college higher-ups and was designed to make students “more employable”.
A leaked memo describes their purpose as being meant to enhance “otherwise useless Arts degrees” or to be “done alongside STEM subjects to ensure critical thinking skills”. We have compiled as much information as we could about the subject matter and assessment of these new courses.
BIOL3555 – A History of Foraging
Theories and techniques of foraging will be studied during the first half of the semester. The second half of the semester will consist of practical tasks based on foraging at the ANU campus. Skills learnt are aimed at making students resilient to current and future financial insecurity and will include how to capture and cook rabbits and cockatoos, trap ducks
for eiderdown coats and gather duck eggs, determine which part of Sullies has the safest drinking water, raid the bio labs for potentially edible materials, and turn willowbark into aspirin to solve all of the University’s headaches.
PSYC2013 – Psychology of Canberra
Why is everyone such a bad driver? Why do people actually think the clubs are good? What’s the appeal of the APS really? This course aims to investigate the tendencies of Canberrans through a psychological and sociological lens. Students will perhaps get a satisfactory answer as to what on earth goes on in the heads of the inhabitants of this city. Townies are encouraged to sign up for the course as test subjects.They will get a reduced HECS rate for this course and hopefully no lasting psychological issues.
This won’t actually make you that employable, unless you REALLY want to join the APS, in which case it provides quite good insight into the types of personalities you will meet and the type of person you are likely to become.
COURSE GUIDE • Reporting by
ENGI1175 – All Roads Lead to Rome
This course equips students with historical roadbuilding knowledge, which will then be applied in a practical task at the end of semester. For this final assessment, students will have to build an efficient path between classrooms in Coombs that ideally will get students to where they need to be no matter what. Some speculate it could lead to the introduction of a broader architecture course at the ANU, should the College of Systems and Society decide that it could be a suitable synonym for either“systems”of“society”.
“We are currently negotiating with CASS about which college should have jurisdiction over this particular course,” reported the Systems and Society college dean. When asked if they would welcome the introduction of any kind of architecture degree, they said, “Heavens no. I certainly wouldn’t be stepping foot in a building designed by one of our students.”(They later asked that this comment be taken off the record.) Asking an Asian Studies student whether this course could potentially fix Coombs, we were simply laughed at and they walked away shaking their heads and letting out an extra occasional chortle.
ENGL1101 – Coding for Academic Purposes: Assessment of the Future
A perfect replacement for any courses that got cut, this course is aimed at preparing students for a future in which assignment marking will increasingly transition to AI and computer-based marking systems. Writing your essays in binary code will greatly help the efficiency and speed of this process, helping the computer marking you and allowing you to receive marks for your work back sooner. This process can be so efficient that when you get the hang of it, you’ll barely have to think!
Important to note is that computer science students are forbidden from taking this course. This is to keep them separated from arts students and limit the occurrences of furious English students throwing chairs at people they perceive to be hijacking the sacred essence of their field. Sorry Comp. Sci. students, but you’re already (somewhat) employable. Let the Arts kids have a go.
HIST3058 – Atlantis: Myth, Significance, Future
In today’s multipolar world in which conflict and social discord is ever on the rise, allies that Australia and the university always thought they could rely on are beginning to look doubtful. With every nation, including our own, all but collapsing, it is paramount that we find a new ally. Unfortunately, seemingly every country ever is not going to be suitable for our long-term prosperity.
It is therefore imperative that we discover the lost city of Atlantis: allies who could provide us knowledge about how to hide underwater in the event of a conflict, share their knowledge with our universities in return for knowledge and research from us on the surface and just generally be a massive point of bragging rights for us. Students will learn about past, unsuccessful, searches for Atlantis, watch the Disney movie and then theorise on where it could be and how to make contact.•
SOAD CUTS SEE GROK 3 APPOINTED PROFESSOR OF PRACTICE
STAFF CUTS • Reporting by
Joseph Mann
Cuts at the College of Arts and Social Sciences, particularly at the ANU’s visual and performing arts schools have seen many positions made redundant or merged. Responding to fears from visual arts students, CASS today announced the appointment of a large language model, Grok 3, as Professor of Practice.
The controversial appointment follows the appointment of politicians, such as former Attorney-General George Brandis KC, as Professor of Practice in National Security by former VC Brian Schmidt in 2022.
After competitive selection process, consisting of Vice Chancellor Bell typing in various artistic prompts into large language models including OpenAI’s ChatGPT, Google’s Gemini and Elon Musk’s Grok, the college selected xAI’s ‘Grok 3’ model. The model released earlier this year and was wedged into the Twitter X mobile and desktop clients earlier this year.
“It’s great. Instead of paying a salary, I can just get an X Premium subscription on the ANU X account for $8 a month! Elon is so cool!” the VC told Moroni.
The model will replace 3 lecturers at the School of Art and Design next semester.•
“IT’S A RECORD!” ITS INQUIRY
RESOLVED IN JUST ONE
WEEK
CAMPUS
Students and staff at the ANU were shocked to learn that the Information Technology Services (ITS) department successfully answered a record number of four inquiries in the past week. The inquires included re-stocking the A3 paper on the level three printer at Chifley library when it suddenly ran out of paper in the middle of a busy Wednesday, fixing a staff member’s connection to Echo360, replacing a broken key on a keyboard and telling a student to try turning their computer off-and-on again.
When pressed by a Moroni reporter on how they managed to accomplish this extraordinary feat, a representative from the department said, “the ITS department is known for its perseverance, dedication and commitment to swift service delivery on campus. Last week’s achievement is yet another example of the incomparable support provided by the department to students and staff alike.”
ITS previously provided a drop-in service from Joplin Lane. Earlier this year, the service desk time became limited to 10am-12pm and 1pm-2pm Monday to Friday. Recently, the dropin service was closed indefinitely.
The events of last week have dispelled slander recently voiced by disgruntled students. Some of the accusations alleged that the ITS took exorbitant amounts of time to respond to inquiries and often provided only temporary solutions to IT issues. A student told Moroni, “Look, I’ll admit when I’m wrong. I thought the lads at ITS did nothing but play Minecraft all day. But, last week...they were fantastic...it really changed my opinion of them.”
Unfortunately, this now means that the ITS has fulfilled their KPIs for this quarter, meaning that students are unlikely to receive an answer to the pressing question on everyone’s mind: Why does ANU-Secure keep on timing out the Woroni website? •
THE BEST DEALS ON
PICTURESQUE MONARO MANSION
1021 Monaro Highway, Michelago NSW
$2400 pw • 5 br, 3 ba
• As made famous by the 2023 Emerald Fennell film ‘Saltburn’
• Conveniently located just 40 minutes out ofTharwa
• Newly built butlers’ pantry
A perfect choice for Scots College alum-turnedANU students looking to replicate their standard of living here in the National Capital. Rent includes several below-award-wage servants named Jeeves and a crusty white dog. Bathroom plumbing recently replaced. Heated flooring. Invoicing to parental trust funds available for added 2% commission.
REID RUSTIC HERITAGE
80A Coranderrk Street, Reid
$800 pw • 4 br, 2 ba
• Recent renovations removing walls for open plan living
• Pet friendly
• Grid-free energy efficient living
• ‘Mr Fluffy-free’ or your money back!
• Huge yard for gardens
Connect with nature in the leafy upscale suburb of Reid, located a short walk from the Canberra Centre and Glebe Park - this house is perfect for your first sharehouse off-campus. There is a discount available for caring for the landlord’s mule, which currently lives in a conveniently located stable in the master suite.
YOUR NEXT RENTAL
BIG PICTURE LIVING
Parkes Place East, Parkes
$1600 pw • 5 br, 5 ba
• Groundbreaking brutalist design
• Inner-city lakeside location
• Must be willing to host visitors
• Near parking and transit
Due to recent budget cuts to the arts, opportunities have opened for rental housing at the National Gallery of Australia. Located in a beautiful climatecontrolled, brutalist building right in the heart of Canberra. Leaks to the roof must be repaired at tenants’ expense.
I DON’T KNOW
Northbourne Avenue, Turner
$???pw • 0 br, 0 ba
• Government knocked it down years ago
• I guess they forgot to build something there?
• Build tonight, diva?
Formerly a sprawling public housing estate, this large inner city block of prime land was demolished in the 2010s and still sits vacant. While our agency can’t help you rent an apartment there, given that none currently exist, we can all stare at it wistfully hoping that one day someone – anyone – in the real estate industry or the housing commission remember that it’s there.
The Real Deal in Real Estate
YUKEEMBRUK VILLAGE ANNOUNCES
NEXT PHASE OF EXPANSION, SECEDES FROM THE ANU
EXCLUSIVE • WAR CORRESPONDENT • Reporting by
Elinor Hudson
CHART: THE STATE OF PLAY
Area outlined in blue is the ANU campus. Area shaded in green is the area currently claimed by the YKB-aligned separatists
Capitalising on the political strife ongoing within the Australian National University, Yukeembruk Village leadership has announced the next stage of its planned expansion,stating,“The Age of the ANU is over, the Age of Yukeembruk Village has begun.”
While this cryptic message was confusing, but not surprising, to onlookers from all areas of campus, it was later clarified with a secondary statement stating as follows:
“Yukeembruk Village has been under the yoke of ANU control for far too long due to the ANU and the ACT Government preventing rightful Yukeembruk land claims in the Acton Peninsula and West Campus from materialising.”
Upon the announcement, few took it seriously until a bulldozer broke into the nearly finished Acton Emergency Services Station, and flattened the entire complex. Tradies were seen hours later tearing up the end of Daley Road, once again causing significant disruption to traffic, and further allowing the ACT Government to ignore a Daley Road Bus.
Eventually they started to construct buildings 170-174 on the site of the Emergency Services Station.As this was a building belonging to the ACT Government, a group of drunk, patriotic ADFA personnel bravely attempted to reclaim this essential service, crossing Canberra as far as Mooseheads before getting distracted in their stupor.
Considering who to interview about this unprecedented event was a challenge, and while this reporter intended to go all the way to Illinois and interview the reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln, she realised that she did not want to be sent to El Salvador,so she switched the figurative gears to Australian figures.Having flown down to Melbourne General Cemetery under the cover of darkness, she raised Peter Lalor from his resting place. Famous as one of the architects of the Eureka Rebellion, he would be able to provide insightful commentary about the validity of secession; however, when asked, he stated “Well y’know, they are just acting up, they should keep in their place, I got mine after all.” When she clarified that the overall population of the ANU is wealthier than the average Australian, he stated “They are true rebels fighting for freedom against a tyrannical government.”
We won’t keep you updated as the situation progresses, as the ANU Council was not contacted for a comment.•
DUCKS THREATEN ANU LAWSUIT OVER MASCOT, SOCIAL
MEDIA
ROYALTIES
The famous and beloved ducks of the ANU have recently announced they plan to sue the university for 70% royalties over continued use of their image as a mascot and promotional material without permission or compensation. The ducks released a list of demands, scratched with their beaks onto a leftover election corflute, that they nailed to the door of the Chancellery.
The ANU’s leading duck linguist, Dr. Etta Featherington,decoded the demands to be:
• Give us something in return for turning us into a graduation mascot and posting pictures of us on social media.
• Let us cross the road wherever we please without fearing for our lives.
• Establish a Centre of Wellbeing for Ducks to be contained in a purposebuilt shiny new facility.
• Appoint at least four ducks to the ANU Council by 2028 to promote the rights and wellbeing of the most important residents of campus.
• “STOP PUTTING YOUR DAMN ESCOOTERS IN OUR CREEK [followed by incomprehensible duck expletives]”.
The ANU ducks have begun crossing the road anywhere but the crossings as an act of protest. They have also begun mobbing students trying to eat their sandwiches on the Kambri lawns and gathering regularly outside the Chancellery whenever meetings are being held to quack extremely loudly.
When asked what they would do if no concessions were made, the ducks made clear that they would continue to pressure the university, bringing their demands to court if they are not fulfilled before the big rainfall forecast for next week.
Some ducks are even leaving campus until conditions at the university improve. They hope that their increasing absence will cause desperation for the return of the beloved mascot and pressure the university into reaching a deal.
“Quack,” said a spokesduck. Moroni interpreted that to mean that“Sully’s isn’t that good anyway.”
This demonstrates that the ducks do not, in fact, need the ANU to survive and are perfectly happy to go elsewhere, such as moving in with the Lake Burley Griffin Ducks or hanging out at the Botanic Gardens, leaving the university empty of birdlife. Concerns over the possible introduction of a new course which would involve the hunting of ducks for eiderdown coats has added extra tension.
“Quack quack quack,” spoke up a passionate father duck, which, according to Dr. Featherington, probably means something along the lines of “this is no society in which to raise my children.” This duck then led his wife and seven fluffy ducklings across the road and out of campus.
Experts on animal and intellectual property law in Australia are curious to see whether the trial, if it goes ahead, will set a new legal precedent for Australian wildlife that lives in the vicinity of human civilisation. It is understood that the ducks are currently negotiating with higher-ups. If negotiations fail, the ducks will resort to decisive legal action that will strain the ANU’s already stretched financial resources.•
Photo: Barrister Bret Squawker SC outside the Federal Court with client
COURTS AND THE LAW • Reporting by Chiara HackneyBritt
BREAKING
CLIVE PALMER
GETS ‘CUNTY’ FOR ANUSA, ANNOUNCING FIRST TICKET
RUNNING IN THE 2025 ANUSA ELECTIONS
STUDENT POLITICS
Reporting byJack Davis
He’s a business magnate, dinosaur theme park owner, and second-hand collector of cars once owned by fascists. Now, he’s the newest competitor in the hot race for ANUSA.
After a sobering result for his Trumpet of Patriots party at this year’s Australian federal election, UQ graduate Clive Palmer has begun the ANUSA election season exhaustingly early with the announcement of his ticket: Clive’s Union — No Trotskyist Youths (CUNTY for ANUSA). Palmer has dismissed any shocked reactions to the ticket’s name,adamant that it is concise and signals the two key aims of his campaign for ANUSA governance: riding into government on political clout and name recognition, and tackling perceived communist ideology in the current Student Union.
Palmer’s announcement was immediately controversial as he failed to fulfill the core requirement to run in the ANUSA election —being an ANU student. However, a Moroni investigation uncovered a series of backroom deals between Palmer, Vice Chancellor Genevieve Bell, and chief operating officer Jonathan Churchill, which saw the council members agree to facilitate Palmer’s run in exchange for ‘generous’ donations to areas of the university most at risk from this year’s cuts.
We sat down with Palmer to discuss what could drive a foray to campus politics from a man who told the Press Club in March that federal campaigns and political press galleries werea“hobby[...]moreexcitingthanlawnbowls”.Stayingon brand, he offered a list of reasons. “I’m getting on a bit, and to be honest the federal work has gotten a bit much, I’m running out of parties to take into elections and I want to make sure I give my passion projects a good crack before I’m all buggered out.”
Photo: Clive Palmer’s ‘CUNTY for ANUSA’ launched its campaign in bold colours on MR yesterday morning
Here,Palmerisreferringtothe2024revivalofhis Titanic II shipbuilding project, the revamp of his dinosaur museum, and a new plan to build Australia’s largest car museum just outside of Brisbane.
“I reckon ANU will take well to CUNTY policy because if there's one thing I am, it's an Australian National.”
Palmer’s last response alluded to which cohort of students he was eyeing as a voter base.“There’s a lot of un-Australian Trotskyists on this campus. I don't particularly like any communists. That's a personal thing.”Palmer shed a tear as he spoke.
Rumours that Palmer had been spotted around campus began spreading days after his election defeat. A student in the POLS1002 (Introduction to Politics) cohort first met an “old guy” who seemed “very confused” in week 6’s Truth and Lies in Politics lecture.
“I gave a mature-aged student my phone number so I could help him with revision, and now he won’t stop texting me about home loans”
Once the CUNTY ticket had been officially launched, Palmer’s brand of unsolicited messaging became a campus-wide issue. It became clear that student-wide email lists must have been a concession given to Palmer in meetings with the Council when students’ found their Outlook inboxes flooded with CUNTY messaging. Moroni has collected some of these releases for your viewing:
CLIVE’S EMAILS TO STUDENTS
CUNTY for ANUSA didn’t confine itself to digital campaigning,and students woke up on May 5th to a bright yellow Marie Reay with VOTE CUNTY 4 SRC! printed on the wall. Facing disqualification for violating the controversial ANU Poster Policy, Palmer was quick to purchase the entire building from the university, arguing that he now has the right to “do whatever renos [sic] he wants”. Fenner Hall residents speaking to Moroni have called it a“terrifying eyesore” that has “kept them up at night”, and Palmer’s introduction of foot traffic tolls paid when entering and exiting the building have seen the popular study location abandoned by most.
What other CUNTY policies are on offer this election? Palmer’s typical slurry of unusual proposals includes seeking to; privatise BKSS to build revenue for the university; launch official investigations into previous Labor/Grindie tickets (Serve!,Stand Up!, Change,etc) to determine if the ANU is being influenced by“radical anti-Australian left-wing cells”
linked to the University of Melbourne; and rename the Jackie Chan Science Centre after Australian martial-arts champion Richard Norton to“celebrate our local icons,not foreign kung-fu diplomats”.
The CUNTY ticket has been generally accepted by students.One told Moroni that they“care so little” about student politics and that“[ANUSA] never actually do their election policies anyway,so I don’t see any of their promises really happening.”Palmer has garnered surprising support from many given his decade-long advocacy for fee-free tertiary education, which—afforded by the ticket’s privatisation and cost-cutting measures—is foundational to the CUNTY ticket’s election manifesto.
It is unclear whether this promise,however practical,can court the votes needed to finally deliver Clive Palmer a long-fought political victory,but Moroni sources suggest he’s polling well with the five people planning to vote in September.•
