Article: ‘The Art of Communication’

W ORLD YOGA FESTIVA L

www.yogafestival.world

If one looks at the human being and our closest relative among the monkeys, we find that there is only one gene difference. There are differences in bone and body structure but not too many. Where the differences are huge is in the voice box of the monkey and human being. I think the evolution of the voice box really led to the evolution of the human species so that they could rise to be the dominant species on earth in spite of limited physical abilities. With the development of the voice – the spoken word and later the written word, ideas could be communicated, past experiences could be shared, new concepts could be developed. These ideas and experiences could be passed on from generation to generation leading to a shared history and culture. With new ideas and concepts the brain also developed. New ways of thinking, long term memory and racial memory developed. All these happened because humans learnt to speak. Team building developed. Communities developed. Some of these traits we share with other animals as well. Hunting predators are great at team work though it is restricted to a given situation. So too migratory birds show amazing team work in the way they handle the challenges of the flight. But, their skills are largely restricted to the situation. When it comes to human beings because they can communicate with each other, humans have developed team work over a range of situations. So, all this evolution to a great extent owes its evolution to the development of the voice box and the development of speech and communications. Communication is the key practically in every situation whether it is knowledge sharing, work, relationships, parenting, romance or in development work or political leadership. Even resolving conflict situations, whether a spat between people or a war between nations, it is a breakdown of communication and an attempt at resetting the dialogue. Communication is too broad a topic to be covered in one article or even a few articles but we can certainly look at some fundamental principles. These have not been discovered by me but by several teachers and masters, some are being presented here. Principle 1 - Intention = Expression = Understanding

The intention always belongs to the speaker who wants to convey the intention that is in the mind. That has to be equal to the expression resulting in the listener’s understanding. If we pay attention to this principle, we will not have to say, ‘Sorry, I did not mean that’. Why? Because you are going to ensure that you are expressing what you intend. Sure, there can be some entropy in thinking. By the time the thought comes to your lips and expression, there can be some loss. Once you are aware of that, you are more careful in the way you will express. So, Intention has to be equal to expression. Similarly I listen in such a manner that I understand what the other person is speaking. So, listening involves my total attention. I have to be there with the speaker and not let my own thoughts, my own ideas, my own concepts disturb or distort what I am hearing. A lot of frameworks with self awareness have been developed such that my intention is equal to expression. Likewise, a lot of listening techniques have been developed so that I can listen well without distorting what I am hearing. But, all these techniques have this underlying principle that what I intend to say is deliberately, consciously expressed. And when I listen, I am totally present so that there is no distortion. To listen, I keep my wishing, willing and wanting aside. For instance if you want to compliment someone, be clear and honest – ‘You look beautiful in this dress.’ Don’t say – ‘You are looking hot.’ It is vague. Don’t let vagueness come into your expression. Similarly, when you listen, listen to what is being said without interpreting and asking a thousand questions. ‘Does it mean he is interested in me?” It is possible he is interested but understand what is happening and accordingly respond.

Principle 2 - Try to understand the other person before you make yourself understood.

This principle is more of an attitude which reflects in behaviour. This is a very important principle that Stephen Covey highlights across his book. Why is this principle important? If both of you make yourself understood that means you both are trying to seek understanding from the other person. None of you are listening! Not much understanding will be developed. If you try to understand the other person, the other person at least feels understood, validated. Chances are very good that the other person also will try to understand you. If there is understanding on both sides there are enough grounds to move forward in the relationship whether personal or professional. If this principle is not there will be a lot of talking at cross purposes without really understanding each other. However if one person can step back and listen to the other, then there is some ground for understanding and moving forward. With the newfound understanding half the job of communication is done. One can move forward to what is mutually acceptable and mutually agreeable. Or one can say,’ You have a better point’, I can agree with you on that.’ Or the other person may say the same. Listening is very important. Most of us are poor listeners. We are bursting with what we have to say. Of course, this can lead to a funny situation where both are waiting for the other to talk. But that is rare. Anyone can initiate and ask the other person for his or her view point. Effective Communication leads to a greater connection and working together.

One of the biggest complaints I hear all over the world is ‘No one understands me.’! This is because we have consciously or subconsciously decided that understanding another person is agreeing with him/her. And hence,

Principle 3 - Understanding is not equal to agreement.

It is only after we choose to understand that we can choose to agree or disagree with the person. Once this is clear we are free to understand others in personal or professional relationships. We are free to listen and understand anyone and everyone

The Art of Communication

by Swami Brahmavidananda

W ORLD YOGA FESTIVA L

www.yogafestival.world

in the world. We are free to understand our own emotions, desires, biases we may have. We can be free enough to understand the enemy as well, if one has an enemy. Or else we can be caught off guard. There are techniques such as active listening where one listens without judgment and questioning and has empathetic responses to people. These techniques have developed from this fundamental principle that understanding is not equal to agreement. When you understand another person you validate that person’s thinking, emotions without necessarily agreeing. This validation in the form of understanding is important for everyone. We can do this only if we are clear in our minds. If we internalize this principle, we are not threatened, anxious or insecure about what the other person is saying. It is likely that the other person is asking for understanding first not necessarily agreement. And I can happily give that understanding. I am not compelled to agree!

Principle 4 - Say what you do and do what you say.

Communication with integrity is not as easy as it seems. Whatever you are agreeing to, say it out, commit. Then make sure you do it. Let it not be like the election manifestos where you promise the moon and not deliver. Some of the tools that are used for effective functioning in corporate sector like ISO 9000 etc are based on this principle. One declares a commitment, the guiding questions for which are – what is being agreed to, who the stakeholders are, what are you going to do for them, what is the process going to be and then definitely does it.

If one is living by this principle, then it means your word is as good as a legal agreement. Today people make legal agreements and look for loopholes. If your word is even more important, you will not look for loopholes or escape clauses. You say what you do and do what you say. This makes you a person of integrity, a person who can be trusted, someone whose word is taken seriously even by the enemies. Principle 5 - Communicating with ahimsa or pleasant and non violent communication.

The Veda says – Satyam bruyaat. Hitam bruyaat. Priyam bruyaaat. Satyam bruyaat - Say what is true and held to be true, Hitam bruyaat - Say what is beneficial. If someone behaves like an idiot, it may not be necessary to tell everyone about it. Priyam bruyaat – Say things in a pleasant manner. Everyone including a child understands ‘speaking the truth’. Children sometimes can be embarrassingly and uncomfortably honest. There are plenty of truths that we know about people and situations and these don’t harm anyone nor benefit anyone. Suppose I know a secret about my neighbour’s past which can be embarrassing for him, if known in public. Is there any point in tom-tomming it everywhere, as it is not harming anybody nor doing good to anybody? The most difficult principle is the next one. If one has to speak an unpleasant truth speak it in a nice and pleasant manner. I don’t have to tell someone, ‘You bug me’ or ‘You always make me angry’. Instead, I can say that ‘I get upset when something like this is done’. So, you speak the truth which is less aggressive, more assertive, in a manner that is not hurtful to the other person. This way of speaking is not easy but with practice one can learn how to do it. Speaking like this does not mean that one is not confrontative when necessary. We often think that confrontation must be hard but it can be soft and pleasant as in the above example. The person is more likely to hear and understand what you are saying. The Veda also adds, That which is not satyam, not hitam and not priyam must be avoided. This means that that which is not true, that which is not helpful and that which cannot be stated in a pleasant manner – please don’t say it. Very often we feel an internal pressure to say a lot of things. Hold your silence. Does it guarantee success? Of course not! We live and learn.

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