FEBRUARY 2021
Are You Getting & Giving Enough?
(Sex, that is) It’s good for you.
The Magnificent Power of Touch
You can’t survive without it!
The Hidden Pandemic
How Self Harm is on the increase and what we need to do about it fast
Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones
Sociopaths, Psychopaths & other Difficult People
We welcome the Year of the Metal Ox Good things are coming to your career but keep your head about you
Look After Your
Social Connection
from
I want to wish you a happy and prosperous 2021. As I reminisce over the past 12 months, the world we have entered post COVID is a different world. One where our psycho-social needs are stretched to the max and many more of us are suffering beyond our current coping ability. Partly as a result of the virus and partly as a result of the responses to the virus. Regardless, the fact remains that most of the world seems to be in a state of collective pain. While the initial shock may have worn off, so too has much of the initial energy and determination to tackle this head on. 12 months on, many now find themselves in a place of burnout, fatigue, or despondence. The human race has never had a greater need to come together yet we are experiencing a time of division and conflict like never before. We need each other yet we have to be socially distant. We need hugs and touch, someone to provide comfort but, how do we do this in this current climate? Our psychological and mental health needs have not changed because of the pandemic. We have not stopped being human because there’s a virus. If anything, this is a time to let our humanity, our capacity for mercy, love and forgiveness, shine. What will we do? This February edition aims to provide support and guidance as we connect with others. To connect with others intelligently and powerfully. The ability to connect is the ability to live and survive. What will you do? If you are reading this, I know you will choose wisely and you will be a blessing to all that come in contact with you. Again, I wish you and your loved ones, you and your teams, a very prosperous 2021. A year filled with joy, love and connection. Have a mentally healthy 2021
Peter Diaz
Looking after your
Social Connection Moving from Conflict and Separation to Love and Belonging
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WORKLIFE
As we counted down to the New Year, around the world millions of people were pleased to see the end of what for many has been the most challenging year in recent history, if not in their lifetime, and to welcome in a new year, with hope for something at least a bit more positive.
Observing the mixed emotions and reactions across different platforms including both mainstream and social media, one word seemed to keep coming up as important for people everywhere: Connection.
The problem is that while getting away from everyone may sound lovely, peaceful and refreshing, and indeed there can be many benefits from periods of self-reflection, it´s not a long term solution. The flip side is loneliness. Loneliness has been recognized amongst psychologists as a huge concern for mental health, long before we ever knew what social distancing was: •
A 2018 survey from The Economist and the Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF), found that more than two in ten adults in the United States (22%) and the United Kingdom (23%) say they always or often feel lonely, lack companionship, or feel left out or isolated.
•
A Cigna survey revealed that nearly half of Americans always or sometimes feel alone (46%) or left out (47%). 54% said they always or sometimes feel that no one knows them well.
•
And in a nationwide survey from the BBC, a third of Brits said they often or very often feel lonely.
It shouldn’t be surprising really, that after a year of social distancing, quarantining, isolation and disconnection, that people are yearning to reconnect. We are social beings after all. If you think back to our caveman times (well, you can imagine at least), we went from being lone homo sapiens wandering the lands, to forming tribes, who had a better chance of survival by coming together to fight the sabre tooth tiger and raise offspring together as a community. But besides survival, was there another benefit? Perhaps psychological in nature? Maslow´s hierarchy of needs suggests that once our basic physiological and safety needs are met, we then seek to fulfil our need for love and belonging. And there it is, we need connection not just for physical survival but for our psychological survival and wellbeing.
Social distancing has meant not just a physical distancing between people, it has also meant an emotional distancing. Considering Moving to a Deserted Island? Most people have at some point entertained the idea of escaping to a deserted island (if you could find a plane to get there!). When we keep coming into contact with people in a conflictual space (whether overt or covert) it can make us want to stop contacting and connecting with people at all. When every interaction raises our emotional temperature or requires a greater amount of emotional regulation on our part, no wonder we are feeling burned out by people. When the world and everyone in it is crazy, it is easy to want to withdraw from it all, in a self-imposed quarantine.
And loneliness is not so much about being physically separate from people, as it is about feeling emotionally separate. That’s why you can be physically in contact with people, yet still feel lonely, or vice versa, oceans apart yet still feel loved and connected.
What are the benefits of Social Connection? It is well evidenced that we DO benefit from positive social connections, mentally, emotionally, and physically: •
Quality relationships help maintain brain health, slowing down cognitive decline and reducing risk of dementia
•
Helps you live longer: a review of 148 studies shows that people with stronger social relationships improve their likelihood of survival by 50%
•
Reduces susceptibility to inflammation and viral infection, something we should all be interested in right now, and helps us to recover from disease faster.
•
Lowers rates of anxiety and depression
•
Better emotion regulation skills
And conversely, lack of social relationships has been found to have a detrimental effect that is just as bad as smoking, high blood pressure or obesity, in terms of their association with illness and death. WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 5
What Do We Do About It? So, if getting away from them all isn’t the answer, what can we do to reduce the conflict, and the so often subsequent distress and create more positive social connections with people? 1. Turn off the News / Social Media? News and social media are part of the problem. In a previous article of WorkLife we talked about how the media feeds on fear and negativity to capture our attention and sell. Hence, it is clear that it is good to unplug from time to time. The problem is not with the mediums themselves, they are just a tool after all, the problem is that it is practically impossible to control the type of input you are getting. So even the most self-aware person with great mental habits cannot fight against our natural emotional responses to emotional content, nor can we beat the bots who program us for heightened emotional arousal (and therefore sales in advertising). Is it realistic to stop using these tools altogether in this day and age? Well, those who do, report being happy with the decision, but for many of us this may be quite drastic. And it can have the unwanted side effect of further disconnection from others. So, if you do decide to unplug for a while, make sure you are filling that gap with other, more healthy types of connection. 2. Manage Your Own Responses to People Yes, people can be jerks. But part of our development as adult human beings is to learn to navigate that. In fact, that is something we strive to teach our children from the first moment they begin to interact with other children. 6 | FEBRUARY 2021
Emotional intelligence is about being able to empathize, understand others, manage our own emotions, and relationships with people, not to run away and withdraw from others. It’s good to be humble and remember that we have also been jerks to others at some point in our lives. Wasn’t it nice when others made room for our shortcomings? It can be helpful to step into a place of compassion, remembering that most people are doing the best they can with the resources (emotional or otherwise) they have available. Instead of allowing yourself to get frustrated or angry with others, recognize that they may actually be struggling themselves. This will allow you to approach them with greater kindness, or at the very least, help you to cool down a little while you consider your response. 3. Respect Diversity Respect for diversity is crucial if you are going to have other people in your life. Not just diversity of gender, race or culture, but diversity of perspectives, beliefs and opinions. Because as soon as you have more than one person in a room, sooner or later differences of opinion, great or small, are unavoidable. While it can feel great to surround ourselves with like minded people, there are benefits to having people from all walks of life, perspectives and ideologies in your social circle. It makes you a more well-rounded person. In fact, many people love the sport of engaging in a debate over the merits and pitfalls of different ideas, but this only works if both people enjoy the debate, and it is done with a great deal of respect for the other person as a person, and therefore entitled to their beliefs.
WORKLIFE
At the end of the day, the world is full of different people. It would be pretty boring if we all thought and behaved the same. So, if you are going to nurture your relationships and social connections, “to each to their own” is a pretty wise philosophy to adopt. Stop trying to change or control everyone else (an impossible task), and immediately a weight will be lifted off your shoulders. 4. Listen to Understand ¨But I can´t actually respect their opinion because it is not just different, it´s immoral, evil or downright dangerous!¨, you may say. Unfortunately, adding a moral judgement doesn’t help matters. But consider for a moment - is it REALLY likely that your partner / family member / friend / colleague who previously was a regular ´good´ person with positive intentions, overnight turned into a horrible, reckless person with no care nor concern for others? Or is it more likely that perhaps you´re not really hearing what they are trying to communicate. Nor them, you.
mentioned, diversity is good, but we don´t want to be so divided we can´t function. With some people it might be best to agree not to discuss certain topics. That is fine too. You can still love each other and bring a lot of positive to each other´s lives. Know which conversations to have with whom, and when. 6. Don´t Make Decisions in a Crisis Sure, take some time out from people if you need to, but keep it in balance. Don’t write off entire relationships on the basis of one disagreement, or a relatively short period of discontent or distress. In psychology we have a saying ¨Don’t make decisions in a crisis¨ which is pretty good advice in a whole range of scenarios. If you cut off people too easily, or if you only ever have relationships with people who never hurt you, offend you, anger you, disappoint you, or let you down, you will end up a pretty lonely, and bitter, person.
Genuinely try to step into their shoes, and understand what they are saying, even if you already have a counter argument for it in your own head. Where are they coming from? What is leading them to come to a conclusion so different from yours? Get curious. There might even be something to learn here.
Accept that part of having relationships with other humans means experiencing the lows as well as the highs, accepting people for who they are, even if they are imperfect in your view.
Consciously remind yourself that ultimately, they have a good intention. You may disagree on the details but it´s likely that you both want to see the same outcome, you just have different ideas on how to get there.
Human relationships are complex, messy, and often frustrating, yet they are also necessary, beautiful and meaningful. Make 2021 a year of reconnecting with the people in your life from a place of compassion, love and kindness. There is already enough fear, anger and stress in the world. As has become so abundantly clear – life is short, and we never quite know what is round the corner, so connect in ways that you can be proud of within yourself, so you can live with no regrets.
5. Agree to Disagree With so many polarizing topics being discussed right now, sometimes it is simply best to agree to disagree. As
Come Together
WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 7
3 Top Tips from Ancient Wisdom on
how to exceed in 2021 by Sally Forrest
Imagine having a map of the upcoming year, something to guide you forwards, to show you which roads to take and pointing out the pot holes to avoid.
Welcome to the ancient world of Chinese Metaphysics and Wisdom. The ancient 10,000-year Chinese calendar converts each moment of time into characters, these can have a Yin or a Yang (strategic or active) component and belong to one of 5 elements (metal, water, wood, fire or earth). The combination is unique to each hour, day, month and year creating patterns for each moment of time, from which wisdom and insights can be gained.
The elements involved are strong water and metal, similar to 2020, which means a year of high emotion, many clashes, challenges and depression to begin with.
What was the pattern for the year just passed, 2020 you may ask? The image was one of a heavy metal object, sinking into the cold ocean. A few signposts, predictions I had identified were ; •
Companies will be axed and some large ones will sink
•
The economy will decline and pessimism and despair will be seen
•
There will be more unrest and uprising amongst the people.
•
People will start to hoard
•
Lungs and mental health issues will be prominent.
Each year I guide companies, senior management teams and leading individuals on how to maximize the year, what to look out for, and what strategies to adopt. In addition to the chart of the year, each one of us has our own personal chart and once we analyze both charts in conjunction, (personal and the year chart), this gives clarity on how to maximize the year for personal and professional / benefits.
What is the Visual for 2021? The year is visualized as beautiful jewels encased in ice or freshly dug out from the icy cold ground. The frozen and cool jewels are mysterious and admired.
What’s in store for 2021? The Metal / Ox year.
They appear cool and reserved, almost beyond reach. The good news is there are “diamonds in the dirt” to be discovered in 2021.
2021 is the Year of the Yin Metal / Ox, and the year begins on the 3 February which is classed as the first day of spring (following the solar /farmers calendar)
However to benefit from 2021, a new mindset needs to be cultivated. We need to dig in the correct field to find these diamonds.
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Here are my 3 top tips to maximise your success in 2021: 1) It all starts with NEW thoughts!
3) Sensitivities
Problems this year will be solved with new ways of thinking. The old thinking patterns will no longer work. There will be new discoveries, new solutions, new successes when the thinking patterns change; New ideas, New products, New ways of Business, New ways of living. A year to develop strong intuition and instinct. Creativity in 2021 will be high, however communication skills will be lacking. There is a feeling of preferring to hold back and not share with others.
An emotional year and one where people do not take rejection well. Words can heal or harm, remember this in 2021. Bitter words are hurtful and once issued they cannot be taken back. Separate the issue from the person. Lead with kindness and sensitivity in 2021. Become more “human”. If Ego is high, then people become fearful, destructive and behind the scene events start to happen. The leader becomes more isolated, loses respect and is plotted against. Be hard on the issues and soft on the people
2) Specialize Specialize, do not generalize this year. Do not try to be good at everything. There is a need to focus on the Value you add to the world, providing solutions that are practical and that work. Many companies will want to shine, to stand out from the crowd and to be seen. Over confidence can lead to downfalls this year. Ensure the foundations are strong on which you are building the confidence
Covid will remain with us for the duration of 2021, and the vaccine will feature prominently. Turbulent times are still ahead and so managing cash flow and considering different business models will be critical. There will be a feeling of “every man/woman for herself” in 2021 and so team building, opening communication channels and encouraging sharing will be critical.
Sally Forrest Sally Forrest is renowned for her expertise in Chinese Metaphysics and works with leading companies, families, entrepreneurs and professionals. She is also a certified Pharmacist, has an MBA and is the co-founder and CEO of SoulCentre – Asia’s Premier Personal Development Centre. Connect with Sally at sally@soulcentre.org
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The Magnificent Power
OF TOUCH
Why Touch, Hugging, Cuddles and Handshakes are Still Important to You
10 | FEBRUARY 2021
WORKLIFE
In the 1960s, psychologist Harry Harlow conducted a series of now renowned studies on the importance of touch. He separated infant Rhesus monkeys from their mothers and then gave them a surrogate – either a simple construction of wire and wood, or one with foam rubber and terry cloth. The wire mother also had a bottle from which they could feed, but the monkeys preferred to cling to the cloth mother for comfort, even when this would lead them to dehydrate or starve. For these monkeys, touch was even more important than food. But what about us humans?
M
ost of us would be familiar with the concept of skin to skin contact, and how important it is for newborn babies. Numerous research studies show that skin to skin contact stimulates a specific part of the newborn´s brain, which encourages them to attach and begin feeding. Skin to skin contact has also been linked to better ability to absorb and digest nutrients, maintain body temperature, improve weight gain, reduce crying, higher blood oxygen levels, more stable heartbeat and breathing, improved brain function and development over time, better deep sleep, and stronger immune systems. And for adults too, there is growing evidence that touch, especially from a romantic partner, buffers us against stress. A 2006 study on handholding found that married women had smaller neural threat responses when holding their partner´s hand, than when holding a stranger´s hand or not holding hands at all. Humans, like most other mammals, are social animals. We seek out other humans to interact with, play with, laugh with, and make love with. All of those activities involve touching of some kind, including hugs, handshakes, high-fives, and other, more intimate gestures. Unfortunately, we are currently witnessing a concerning trend away from this vital and most human of activities, a trend particularly exacerbated by the response to the covid19 pandemic.
2020 Was a Bad Year for Physical and Mental Health The year 2020 was, in many ways, not a very good one. One of the biggest reasons, of course, was the COVID-19 pandemic that swept the globe, causing death and misery in its wake. Hundreds of thousands of people perished, and hospitals were pushed to the very limits of their capacity. Businesses were shuttered, stress levels skyrocketed, and travel came to a screeching halt. It was, in no uncertain terms, an unmitigated disaster of a year. Indeed, the pandemic continues in 2021, and the problems it’s creating continue as well.
COVID-19 Made Touching A Dangerous Activity Another perhaps overlooked problem, with potentially even longer lasting impacts, is the issue of a severe lack of human contact and touch. Seniors especially have been victimized by this after-effect of the pandemic. Millions
have been forced to stay at home, with little or no human contact for days, and sometimes weeks at a time. Children and adolescents have also been affected, forced to learn at home rather than going to school with their friends, teachers, and peers. Large numbers of adults have started working from home, cutting them off from colleagues and co-workers and the essential social interaction they provide. At the end of the day, the results are clear; human interaction and touch have been significantly curtailed to the point where it’s negatively affecting the health of millions. Yes, there are still Zoom meetings, phone calls, and texting. And yes, not everyone has been forced to isolate themselves completely. But none of these things can make up for inperson socializing and mingling. The problem is that human touch has been, if you will, taken off the menu. Handshakes, once a common daily occurrence, are now taboo for fear of spreading germs. Hugs? They’re just as frowned upon, maybe even more so, for the same reason. Children can’t cuddle with their grandparents. Friends can’t high-five each other, and the thought of cuddling can, for some, be absolutely terrifying due to the risk of death. It’s a problem of truly epic proportions and one that will have profound, long-term effects on society as a whole.
Research Shows Again and Again That Touching is a Vital Human Activity The famous painter and renaissance artist Michelangelo once said, “To touch can be to give life”. Human touch is one of the activities that set us apart from many of the earth’s other creatures. Yes, primates do it and some species of animals, but for humans, touch is vitally important. Indeed, it’s one of the core characteristics that make humans human and is ingrained into the very fiber of our beings. A vast amount of research proves this and demonstrates that a lack of touch can be extremely damaging. A study in Romania in 1994 showed that children who had been institutionalized and severely deprived of human touch suffered from severe developmental issues. This wasn’t an isolated incident, either. There were thousands of children in Romania at the time who were in orphanages, and the vast majority of them had mental and physical health problems, mostly due to not being cuddled, stroked, and hugged. Indeed, many of them were found to have been left alone for days and weeks, at a time in their lives when touch is crucial. The lack of touch was extremely detrimental to both their physical and mental health. WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 11
Why Is Human Touch So Important? At this point, you may be asking yourself, “but why is touch so important?” Well, there are several reasons. For example, when humans touch, the orbitofrontal cortex of the brain is activated. This part of the brain is closely linked to compassion, happiness, and reward sensations. Touch also activates the vagus nerve, which releases the hormone oxytocin, often referred to as the `love hormone´. The more we touch, the more of this hormone, and the positive emotions it causes, is produced.
Touch is also the way humans build relationships, both in their personal and professional lives. It brings about cooperation and trust and is used to create alliances and friendships. One study showed that, when receiving a brain scan with an MRI, patients who were stroked on their arm by their partner or spouse had a significantly reduced amount of fear and stress about the procedure. Just this small amount of touch was enough to turn off, if you will, the switch that made them frightened and stressed. Dacher Keltner, a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley, says that “touch is the fundamental language of connection”. It brings us together, helps us form long-lasting bonds, and gives us a sense of wellbeing and security.
Hugging, holding hands, and other forms of non-sexual touch have been shown to reduce stress, calm fears, and make people feel content. Touching has even been shown to boost immunity and make a person less susceptible to things like germs and viruses. Need more proof that touch is essential? How about the fact that, when people kiss, chemicals in their saliva let them know if their new love interest is compatible or not. That’s especially true for women as it helps them to choose the best partner. Speaking of chemicals, activities like hugging, petting, and other forms of touching increase the levels of two of them, namely serotonin and dopamine. Neurotransmitters, both of these natural chemicals, are used to regulate mood, help the human body relieve stress, and reduce anxiety levels. A breast cancer study published in 2004 showed that, when provided massage therapy, patients had an almost immediate, positive reaction. They had lowered anxiety levels, stress levels, and even pain levels. Their moods improved also, and the number of essential lymphocytes in their body increased. Massage therapy has been found to significantly reduce physical and psychological stress, and is recommended for treatment of mental health problems. 12 | FEBRUARY 2021
What Are the Benefits of Hugging, Cuddling, and Other Forms of Touching? We’ve talked about how important touch is for humans, especially children, and why it’s ingrained into the very fabric of humanity. Now let’s take a look at some of the actual, real-world benefits that hugging and other forms of non-sexual touching provide. (By the way, intimate, sexually-related touching, when done by consenting adults, has many benefits also. It’s simply not the subject of today’s article.) Improved Heart Health Hugs and cuddles have been shown to reduce blood pressure and heart rate. That’s vitally important for seniors especially and can provide them a much higher quality of life. Decreased pain This study showed that hugs reduced the pain of people suffering from fibromyalgia. Other studies have shown, as we previously mentioned, that touch was able to reduce pain in cancer patients and others suffering from the effects of various diseases. Enhanced Communication Although most human communication is done verbally (or through the expressions on our faces), human touch has been found to enable us to communicate a wide variety of emotions. Pain, sadness, love, fear, and more are expressed when you hug someone, as well as feelings of comfort and connectivity, as this study can attest. Reduced Stress We’ve touched on this already (pun intended), but it’s worth repeating. Hugs, cuddles, and other types of touch can significantly reduce stress and anxiety levels. Hugs are exceptionally healthy in this way, creating an immediate response that makes the giver and receiver both feel less stressed. Less Fear One excellent benefit of hugging, cuddling, and touching is that they can help allay a person’s fear, especially of death. This is especially true for seniors who may be approaching the end of their lives. (It’s also the reason why so many are suffering right now due to the pandemic).
In Conclusion Right now, around the world, millions of people are what scientists deem ‘touch-deprived,’ and that’s not good. As we’ve seen, touch, especially hugs, cuddles, and even handshakes, are vitally important to our physical and emotional well-being. They help us connect with each other and communicate better. They also help reduce pain, fear, and anxiety and give us a sense of self-worth and contentment. In other words, touch, including hugging, cuddles, and handshakes, are still essential. That goes for you, dear reader, as well as everyone in your social circle. Friends, family, colleagues, and even complete strangers (when acceptable) can all benefit from more of this trait that makes us all human. Our recommendation; whenever possible, and when permitted, give hugs and cuddles freely and liberally. The benefits of doing so can make more of a positive impact than you might realize.
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WORKLIFE
Advanced Psychological Self-Defence: Protecting Yourself from the Expert Manipulation of Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Other Difficult People Have you ever been in a relationship where, for some reason, you couldn’t quite figure out, you felt as if you were being controlled or restricted in some way? A relationship where you started to doubt yourself, your actions, and your emotions, or felt as if something just wasn’t right? If you have, there’s an excellent chance that you were being manipulated.
What, Exactly, is Manipulation? While it does have a negative connotation, manipulation is a natural, effective and useful tool that helps us survive and thrive in society. We start using unconscious manipulation as infants and small children. For example, when they get hungry, babies cry. This manipulates their parents into doing what they need, giving them food. Children will often do the same thing once they realize how powerful their cries are, for example, using them to manipulate their parents into purchasing them a toy. This type of manipulation is, truth be told, relatively normal behavior. All children do it, so the last thing you want to do is judge them or deride them too harshly. At some point, with discipline, most children grow out of self-obsessed manipulation and mature into adults who are considerate of others, kind and don’t need to use manipulation to get what they want or need; they ask. But it doesn’t always work out that way and, for some, immature manipulation traits can continue into adulthood.
When adults use wanton manipulation, however, it often is emotionally and psychologically dangerous and damaging. That’s because, at its core, manipulation is a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) form of control. Control of an individual, a group, team, or organization, or even an entire nation. When a car salesperson pushes you to make a purchase, they’re trying to control both you and the situation to create an outcome that favors them (i.e., more sales). The problem is when their wanting to sell the car is more important to them, than your need to buy one. You can walk away from that type of situation, of course, but it’s not as easy if, say, the person manipulating you is your partner, a colleague, or someone in power, and they’re doing it to ‘keep you in line’ or otherwise derive some other benefit from your abject obedience. In short, manipulation is a typical human trait that, when selfishly abused, can be quite damaging.
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The Different Types of Manipulators (And Why They Do It) Manipulation covers a whole range of different scenarios and situations, from more ´mild´ forms, to those that are much more damaging and dangerous. To help us clarify, we´ve identified at least 3 types of manipulators: Immature – like a child, they don’t intend harm, but are merely self centred Entitled – they believe they deserve things to be their way, and don’t want to cause harm, but will justify hurting others, to get what they want. Pathological – they don´t care who gets hurt, or even enjoy causing harm to others. This includes sociopaths, who may act impulsively without thinking how others may be affected, and psychopaths who are cold and calculating and may even play along within societal rules to achieve their own objectives, but with zero regard for human life or emotions.
Identifying the Obvious (and Not So Obvious) Signs Of Manipulation Some of us are very trusting people, and when we meet someone new, it may not even cross our minds that they could have ulterior motives, or not be completely trustworthy. You might dive into a new romance, friendship, or business partnership assuming that the person has none other than the best intentions, only to find a little while down the track that things start to go pear shaped. If you´re nodding your head here, it´s likely that you may have been burnt before in this respect. You´ve probably had friends and family tell you that you´re too trusting or naïve. And they could be right. On the other hand, some people (usually those who have been burnt too many times before!) err in the other direction, and could be very critical and closed off, even suspicious towards someone new. As with all things, a bit of balance is called for. It is worthwhile as you are getting to know someone that you remain aware, but not hypervigilant, to the way they behave and communicate. To know if you’re being manipulated, you need to know the signs and, if you will, symptoms of unhealthy manipulation. Like the early days of the flu, things won’t ‘feel right’ when you’re being manipulated. That’s the best time to nip it in the bud, frankly, so knowing what to look for (and all the many signs of manipulation) is vital. Things Don’t ‘Add Up.’ One of the most common signs you’re being manipulated is when situations and circumstances don’t add up or make sense. If your new partner is trying to convince you, for example, to sign away your home to them so that you can save money on a new mortgage. That doesn’t make any sense and would be a big red flag that they may be manipulating you. 16 | FEBRUARY 2021
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You Start To Question or Doubt Yourself Some manipulators are very good at what they do. So good, in fact, that they can start to make you doubt yourself and start seeing things their way. Their manipulations can make you feel as if you’re going a little crazy as your brain tries to figure out what’s going on.
Twisting the Facts This can be the most frustrating, but sometimes you won´t even know it is happening. This can include exaggerating or understating the facts, bias, outright lying, feigning ignorance, making excuses, leaving out important details, using language to mislead, and so on.
Something Feels Off (Your ‘Gut’ Is Telling You To Be Careful) Knowing how to feel and trust your ‘gut feeling’ is essential to sniffing out a manipulator. It’s a little feeling that says ‘hey,’ this doesn’t seem right’ or ‘get the heck out of here, this is a bad situation´. If something feels ‘off’ to you, there’s a good chance it is and that you need to extricate yourself from the situation.
Reciprocity & Guilt They may go out of their way to do something for you. It could be just that they are nice, but beware, if they try to convince you that you ‘owe’ them, they’re using reciprocity as a manipulative tool. Or they may flat out blame you when something they have done doesn´t turn out well. This is where it starts to take a horrible turn and can often lead to...
People who use manipulation for evil or immoral intent have specific tried-and-true strategies they use and use often. Knowing these strategies will make it easier for you to spot if you’re in danger of becoming the victim of a predator, sociopath or psychopath.
Fear, Threats and Intimidation Creating fear, threatening violence or to reveal intimate knowledge is a potent strategy and used by sociopaths and psychopaths frequently. Some will veil their threats (however thinly) with storytelling. For example, by telling their victim a story about “a lady who went to the cops but later disappeared and was never heard from again” or “imagine what would happen if your family found out about what you did¨.
Initial Grooming and Creating Trust This strategy involves being nice to you and creating a feeling of trust and security. It can happen quickly (within a few hours) or over a longer period of time (weeks or months).
Wearing you Down All of these strategies can play with your mind and emotions to such an extent that after some time, you simply get worn down and end up giving in to the bully.
Playing Your Emotions With a Sad Story Human empathy is an excellent thing, no doubt. Manipulators know this and use sad stories to hit your empathy button. Portraying themselves as weak or a victim, ironically, is how they manipulate their victims.
How to Protect Yourself
Foot in the Door A classic strategy of persuasion: I ask you to make a small concession, to which you reluctantly agree. Like the unwelcome houseguest who asks to stay for ´just a couple of weeks, til I get on my feet´ and is still living with you (rent free) a year later.
While most people are good, well meaning people just trying to do their best in this world, there will always be a small percentage, who are willing to trample on other people´s rights to achieve their own outcomes and agendas. Some of these are even wily or charismatic enough to make it into positions of power.
Understand the Common Manipulation Strategies
Separating You From Those Who Love and Care About You This is one of the most wicked forms of manipulation, putting a wedge between their victim and those who care about them (and who may alert you to their ways). They create drama where there is none, making their victim believe that their family or friends have shunned them (or worse). Praise or Putting You Up On a Pedestal This is a prevalent strategy used by sociopaths. By showering compliments, they overwhelm their victim’s gut feelings, leaving them highly vulnerable. Manipulators have used this technique to steal from people for eons, preying on their victim’s vanity or lack of self-confidence. Praising you for following their orders or giving them what they want Ridicule and Sarcasm Praise can often be alternated with ridicule and sarcasm, designed to avoid addressing your concerns (no matter how legitimate), create shame and self doubt, and deter onlookers from even considering your perspective or supporting you.
The very best way to prevent yourself from becoming a victim of a sociopath or psychopath’s manipulation is to nip the problem in the bud as soon as it starts.
When it comes to protecting yourself, you really only have two options: •
Walk Away – If someone is trying to manipulate you, your best bet is to disengage completely and walk away. It might not always be possible, of course, but if it is, that’s your best course of action.
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Learn how psychological manipulation operates so you can spot it coming, and avoid you or your loved ones falling victim to it.
Either way, don´t allow yourself to be manipulated. The costs are simply too high. And when you see signs of psychological manipulation at play, whenever possible, speak out about it. If you don´t, you may find yourself or someone else in a world of trouble not too far down the road. In our online learning course ´Psychological Self Defence´ we show you 18 different strategies you can use to handle a master manipulator, sociopath or psychopath, and how to protect yourself both in physically, mentally and emotionally. WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 17
Are you getting & giving enough? Sex, that is.
Sex.
It’s something that drives all humans and is one of our basic human needs alongside eating, sleeping, and breathing. Men especially spend hours every day thinking about sex, although women spend their fair share as well. We talk about sex, buy things to become more ‘sexy,’ and often place an inordinate amount of importance on sex. Ironically, however, researchers are finding that on the whole, we´re actually having less sex. It´s particularly concerning for a number of reasons, but especially when we consider that a lack of sex can be found at the heart of many failed relationships. What´s causing such a shift? One of the reasons why, at least in the last few years, is that we’re all so busy and distracted, and end up putting sex on the backburner, so to speak. Our careers, jobs, children, friendships, and hobbies have started to get more of our attention. This isn’t a bad thing, per se, but it’s detrimental if you want to have a romantic, robust and prosperous relationship. Indeed, for couples who wish to repair or salvage their relationship, having more sex is one of the more effective solutions that can be used to do it. In short, making time to make love is critical. Let’s take a look at why that’s so and what you can do to put the sex back into your relationship (before it gets past the point of no return).
Why Is Sex So Critically Important in a Romantic Relationship? The truth is some romantic relationships don’t need sex to be successful. For whatever reason, they’re able to function happily and healthily without it. Those couples, however, are in the minority. 18 | FEBRUARY 2021
For the rest of us, sex is vitally important and a healthy part of a strong, loving, and dedicated relationship. A few reasons why include: •
Sex is an excellent way to bond with someone you love. Neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin released during and after sex enhance feelings of intimacy and attachment, and research also shows that having sex, leads to greater affection, which in turn leads to more sex, creating a positive feedback loop.
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Having sex is fun, pleasurable, and adds excitement to a relationship. It’s one of the few enjoyable activities that you can indulge in guilt free – no added calories, no nasty hangovers, no smokers cough, and it costs nothing (when done in a relationship, anyway)! If a relationship is stuck in a rut of work, kids, and other commitments, focusing on enhancing your sex life can bring some spark back into the relationship as a whole.
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Pleasuring your partner with sex is a beautiful way to show that you love them, and if their love language is one of physical touch it is even more crucial to ensure this need is met. Sex can be a wonderful time of generosity and giving – by both parties, of course.
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Having good sex can make both partners feel more secure. For many, a partner initiating sex is a very practical demonstration that they are still attractive to their loved one and wanted by them. No matter how often you may say it, actions usually speak louder than words.
WORKLIFE
What’s Keeping You From Having More Sex? Humans spend a lot of time looking for the right sexual partner (or, frankly, for any partner at all). Ironically, after we find someone who satisfies our sexual urges, we often start having less and less as the relationship moves forward. But why is that? What would keep two people who love each other from doing something that should come so naturally? The answer, as with most problems of this magnitude, is as varied as the sex positions that lovers use to please each other: Distractions There’s nothing that gets in the way of having good sex like a good distraction, and today there are plenty of them. For example, our phones allow us to ‘surf’ social media from anywhere, which includes the bedroom. New, slim TVs can be hung in the bedroom with ease, another considerable distraction. Of course, if you have children, that can be a significant (and extremely frustrating, sex-wise) distraction. Busy Lifestyles Distractions aside, most of us today are leading hectic lifestyles, trying to balance work, home, kids, friends, exercise, and more. We’re so busy that sex gets pushed to the back of the to-do list instead of being made a priority. Exhaustion One busy day can leave you tired. Multiple busy days, though, can exhaust your energy completely. That’s a problem because sex, while fun and refreshing, takes energy too. (Quite a bit of it, actually.) When you don’t have enough, sex gets left behind.
Stress You might have started seeing the trend here. Distractions, busy lifestyles, and exhaustion can lead to stress, and stress can cut through your desire like a knife through butter. (What’s ironic is that sex is such a great stress reliever.) Too Many Rules Here’s the thing; sex is usually best when there’s no planning involved, and it’s spontaneous. However, people who put too many rules and restrictions on where, how, when, and why to have sex often take all the spontaneity away. This, in turn, causes some people to avoid sex and thus avoid all the rules and restrictions. Using Sex as a Weapon to Dominate or Oppress Used as a weapon, sex takes on a new and uglier meaning. If you’re in a relationship where sex, or the withholding of sex, is being used against you, to oppress you, or to dominate you in a way you don’t want, you may need to seek outside help. Sex should never be used as a weapon. A Lack of Attraction You are obviously together because there was a mutual attraction at some stage. But what are the attraction levels right now? Not just how attracted are you to your partner, but how attractive are you to them? And how attractive do you feel? Putting a renewed focus on your own fitness and presentation can make you feel better, bolstering the levels of attraction on both sides. But it is not just physical either, it´s also about the energy you put out into the world. If you are often down in the dumps, complaining or criticizing, then it shouldn´t be a surprise if your partner is turned off and doesn’t want sex as often. Practice bringing positivity, fun and play into your lives in general. WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 19
How To Bring More Sex Into Your Relationship The best way to have more sex, improve your relationship and get all of the health benefits it provides takes one thing; more effort. You have to put effort into making time for sex, listening to your partner’s needs, and making sex a priority, among other things. Just like any other area of life (career, health, study) the more you put in the more you get out of it. Below are a few excellent methods to do just that: Talk About It Yes, with each other! It may sound obvious, but it’s astounding how many couples don’t have open and honest communication about their sex lives. Sharing with your partner what you like, don’t like, what you want more of, or less of, or even some of your fantasies, helps them to make it even better for you. How else are they going to know if you don´t tell them! (and vice versa, of course). Schedule it in I know it sounds very un-sexy, but like other things in our busy lives, if you don´t book it in, it simply may not happen. So, find a time that you think will work best in relation to your routine and also your energy levels, and make an agreement to come together with the intention of sexual play, but without the pressure to perform. Do Something New and Exciting This doesn’t necessarily have to be a new sex act, although it can be. Instead, find an activity you can do together that gets you excited, like watching a burlesque show, going on a clay date (think of the infamous scene in Ghost), or buying a new/first sex toy. Doing something ‘naughty’ (but not illegal!) can work wonders also, like making a private comment to your partner just out of earshot of others. You could even pretend to ‘meet’ as ‘singles’ in a bar or club and seduce each other for the first time (again).
20 | FEBRUARY 2021
Take a Sex Lesson Most of us were never actually taught how to be good lovers. The advent of the internet and social media has opened a new world of learning opportunities, including learning about sex. Eventbrite, for example, has dozens of online sex classes you can take to learn new ways to pleasure your partner (and much more). Get In The Mood Don’t wait for the stars to align, your partner to be perfect, or the right mood to magically come along, you have to actively get yourself in the mood. Allow your mind to go to sexy thoughts throughout the day, watch a raunchy movie, read an erotic novel, listen to romantic music, whatever works for you. The point is, take responsibility for your own mental and emotional state. Exercise Together Exercise and sex have many similarities, including an increased heart rate, sweating, and vigorous movement. That’s why many sex counselors suggest exercising together, (not to mention the post training shower), which can in turn also lead to more (and better) sex.
In Closing Sex is a human drive that’s incredibly powerful. It’s also an activity that humans need to lead a full, healthy life. Indeed, your overall wellness depends significantly on having regular, satisfying sex. The most important thing you can do to keep your sex life fresh and frequent is to openly communicate your needs and desires. The benefits of a healthy sex life are numerous, including a better relationship, increased wellness, and much more. It’s not a cure-all, but more sex might be the key to a better, healthier, and more loving relationship for many couples.
WORKLIFE
In a mental health emergency, would your people know what to do? Mental Health Essentials takes the guesswork out of responding to mental health in the workplace.
Mental Health Essentials is a 1 day course, delivered on site at your workplace, to give your employees the tools to: •
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•
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Understand and empathise with someone who might be experiencing mental ill health Recognise the triggers and signs of the most common types off mental illness including depression, anxiety, and substance mis use. Know what to say and do, to communicate effectively with someone in distress Confidently handle a conversation with a colleague or customer who is having a panic attack, a psychotic episode, or thinking of suicide
To run this course in your workplace, email admin@thewmhi.com
thewmhi.com
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Know where, when and how to refer someone to further help
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Understand how drugs, alcohol and medication affect mental health
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Learn why its important to nip mental health problems in the bud, as they crop up
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Act quickly and with confidence when trauma hits your workplace
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Safeguard their own mental wellbeing in difficult situations
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Know how to look after themselves when assisting someone else with a mental health problem
Self-Harm: The Hidden Pandemic
22 | FEBRUARY 2021
WORKLIFE
T
he parents were shocked, angry and filled with disbelief. How could their beautiful 12-year-old daughter do this to herself? How could she have been cutting herself in secret, and for so long? Why? Why didn’t they know about it? What had they done wrong? Recent figures have demonstrated a worrying rise in self harm, particularly amongst young people in the US, UK and Australia. In the US, 1 in 4 young women and 1 in 10 young men have deliberately harmed themselves at some point. In Australia 10% of 14-15 year olds report having self harmed in the year 2017 (15% of girls and 4% of boys). And in the UK, prevalence of self harm has nearly tripled over the past 10 years to 2019. And that was before 2020. While at this stage the data is still largely unavailable or inconclusive, anecdotally, calls to mental health support services have increased exponentially in first world countries during 2020, and it would be safe to assume that increases in anxiety and depression may also precipitate increases in rates of self-harming behaviors as well.
What is Self-Harm Exactly? Self-harm (technically known as Non-Suicidal Self Injury NSSI) refers to any behavior where an individual is causing intentional harm to themselves, whether this is minor behaviors or high-risk actions causing permanent injury. According to Lori Vann, US based psychologist and NSSI authority, people begin with less harmful methods of selfharm that, when left untreated, escalate overtime into more serious and more dangerous types and degrees of self-harm. And here is a scary fact she shared with us – the average age of onset for self-harming behaviors is just 10-12 years old.
Why Do People Deliberately Hurt Themselves? In her book, A Caregivers Guide to Self-Injury, Lori identifies dozens of reasons why people engage in self harm. The behavior often starts as an attempt to relieve pressures such as distressing thoughts or feelings that are complex and difficult to process, but this does not necessarily apply to every individual case. There are many different reasons why a person resorts to self-harming behavior, from difficulties at home, bullying, or low self-esteem, to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, or trauma.
The common factor underlying why people self-harm though, is that it is an attempt to cope with distress of some kind. Is it just a Young Person´s Problem? Lori Vann sees people from all walks of life who engage in different forms of self-harm. She cautions that while the rates are higher amongst young people under the age of 25, there are people of all ages who might deliberately injure themselves, and a lot of the time you may be completely unaware it is happening. Statistically speaking, there will be people in your networks, perhaps a colleague at work, a fellow parent at your kids´ school, or someone from your sports group, who has or is currently self-harming. Self-harming behavior is far more common than most people realise.
WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 23
What are the Links Between Self Harm and Suicide? Although self-harm does not necessarily lead to suicide, and the intention of self-harm is not to end life, statistics have demonstrated that there is at least a 60% correlation between those with mental health difficulties who engage in self-injury and suicidal ideation. Even in those without diagnosed mental health conditions, 35%40% of those who self-injure report some thoughts of suicide. This increased risk of suicidality and suicidal ideation exists for a number of reasons - one key reason being that suicidality and selfharm have similar causes, with their roots often lying in trauma, emotional stress, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness. A study by the Columbia University Medical Center and the New York Psychiatric Institute suggested that those who self-harm are at an increased risk of suicide in the critical 12 months following the self-harming behavior.
How Should You Approach Someone who is Self-Harming? It is important that self-harming behavior is acknowledged, recognized, understood, and approached with empathy and kindness. If there is any immediate danger to the individual who is engaging in self-harming behavior, make sure to contact the relevant medical services.
As a person wishing to support the self-harming individual, it is important that you are open to learning new skills and adapting to new approaches. First, ensure that you remind the individual in question that you are there for them, care for them, and will listen to anything they wish to talk about. Ask them how they are feeling, and if there is anything that you can do to help relieve the emotional stress that they are under - if they are not comfortable talking to you at that moment in time, do not push them out of their comfort zone, let them talk to you when they feel ready. If you push for information too hard or too soon, they may withdraw and increase their isolation, worsening their mental state. Secondly, you should encourage them to seek the help that they need. You can sometimes expect some initial resistance to this, as getting help for issues such as self-harm can be a daunting process. Recognize that seeking help will not result in an instant recovery - the process of recovery can be long and gradual. Discuss potential harm minimization techniques with them to either reduce the severity of the harm or reduce the frequency at which it takes place. Thirdly, view your relationship and social interactions with someone who self-harms as part of the avenue to their recovery. Their self-harming behavior is through no fault of your own, but making improvements in your relationship with the individual in question can be hugely beneficial to them and their recovery process. Social connection is vital, and a key element in healthy and sustainable wellbeing. If you are interested in learning more about self-harm, including how to identify and respond to someone who may be deliberately harming themselves, contact us at admin@thewmhi.com. 24 | FEBRUARY 2021
WORKLIFE
Knowing When to
Say ‘No’ by Alison Skate
“You can’t pour from an empty cup”
I
suspect there is some kind of weird and twisted personal reward – or at least the avoidance of guilt – when we agree to something or impose something upon ourselves that we would have preferred not to do. It definitely feels good to be useful, and recognise our contributions to others in our workplace, family and circle of friends. But, let’s talk about the cost of doing this when our plate is already full. I remember, when I was an officer in the Army, I was encouraged to say “yes” to requests and work out how to achieve it later. In my third year as an Army psychologist I said ‘yes’ to more things than I could reasonably achieve, largely because I didn’t feel that I had permission to refuse. This resulted in feeling burnt-out, overwhelmed, and ultimately I didn’t do my job particularly well! It was this experience – and motherhood – that taught me a valuable lesson: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Learning to say no to non-essential requests and practices has been essential to developing an effective practice of self-care. A word of caution: This isn’t about slacking off, it’s about prioritizing. There are only 24 hours in a day, so which activities really bring you the most value, meaning and fulfilment in life? Saying no to less important things allows you to say Yes to those high value activities. So I encourage you to participate in the ‘Say ‘No’’ challenge, not just for this month, but going forward in 2021. Follow these simple actions to build up your self-care muscles!
1. Write a list of the things you struggle to say no to, that are detracting from your physical and mental wellbeing. Write a list of at least twenty things. These could include saying no to checking emails after work, taking on the extra school committee project, or doing your teenager’s excessive amounts of laundry. Handy tip: you are allowed to say no to your children if you have them, they won’t self-combust and might develop new skills by doing things on their own. 2. Start small. Don’t try to tackle the entire list at once. Select two or three things that you can make a commitment to saying ‘no’ to without jeopardizing your relationships or job. 3. Be transparent and share the challenge to others if it makes it easier for you to explain why you are saying no. 4. Be realistic. You still have a job to do. ‘Say ‘No’’ isn’t about refusing to meet the obligations of your role at work or in the family, but to consider whether you are taking on responsibilities that should or could be done by someone else, or at some other time. 5. Enrol your friends and colleagues. For some, this challenge will mean breaking long-held habits, and this will be much easier with support. Create a kitchen poster as a reminder, or ask a trusted friend to hold you accountable. Check in weekly, to let them know what you practiced saying ‘no’ to this week. WWW.THEWMHI.COM | 25
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