PHILIPPE GELUCK & GOD
THE BIBLE according
to the cat
let there be ... my creator !
PHILIPPE GELUCK & GOD
The bible according
to the cat
The real story of the creation of the world by god and steve the sheep, superbly* adapted from the French by Alan Ward * TRAnslatorâ€™s note
www.geluck.com ISBN 978-2-930540-07-8 ÂŠ Geluck 2013 There is a Le Chat app for iPhone/iPad and Android
In the beginning there was darkness ...
But God hadnâ€™t created the torch yet, so he had a hard time finding the light switch
Ouch! Where’s the switch ?
And because he’d hit his leg, he called this day 'the big bang’ and said “ it is not good “
Let there be lightâ€‰!
And there was light and God saw that it was good
If I’d known, I’d have created the stool after turning the light on
But... it’s not bad for something I just threw together in the dark
On the second day, God divided the firmament from the sea And I shall call this line 'the horizonâ€™ when you see it from afar
But close up it wonâ€™t have a name
And on the following day God divided the earth (the dry bit) from the sea (the wet bit), and he saw that it was good While I’m here, I might as well create tides
And a big boat to sail on them. And I shall call it ' Tidetanic ' * * Believed to be God’s first pun. I think we’d all agree that god’s a better creator than a comic
Then God said : ' Let the earth bring forth grass, plants and trees ' * * Far be it from me to criticize, but God seems to be talking to himself
And I shall sow seeds for vegetables
All this creating business is fine, but I haven’t eaten for 2 days, and it’ll be another 2 days by the time I’ve invented meat... and I’m starving !
Take a good look at this rake, because it might just have a big role to play in the next part of the story
God got a face-full of rake and saw brightly lit bodies in the canopy of heaven and he called them stars And he was so excited that his seeds were growing Gweat ! Ve gwass an ve twees are gwowing ! It iv good !
And he made two great lights the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to watch over the night And once again he was pleased with himself
It is good These trees grew in one day
And the evening and the morning were the 4th day *
* Now, on the previous days there’d been neither evening nor morning, so we don’t know where the light came from ... but as I’ve said before, far be it for me to criticize
Aaabracadabra ! And Boom !
Awesome, no ?
And on the fifth day God created fish and everything that lives in water Thank you God for giving us life ! Please! Come on in. The water’s fabulous
I think I deserve a quick dip. Four days without a shower, I’m beginning to smell like a dolphin’s crotch
By now God was getting a bit hungry, so he caught a sea bass, fried it and ate it. And he said :
This is really tasty
And it’s fresh today*
* God notes, quite subtly, that the fish could not have been fresher because he only created it today
Note that God is using a fish knife. We can therefore deduce that the fish knife preceded the meat knife (usually called ' knife ' ) and that it is the fish knife that should have been called ' knife ' because at that time there was no other kind of knife. On the other hand, who gives a shit ?
And with that, God was off ... A bottle of Côtes-du-Rhône and a Kentucky Fried Chicken
Sorry, but they haven’t delivered the chickens ! Actually they haven’t been created yet !
Oops! You’re right. My mistake ! I was forgetting our feathered friends !
A coffee and the bill please. I’ve got work to do this afternoon
Who’s a nice boy ?
Shut it birdbrain ! shut it birdddbrainnn ...
And god created the fowl of the sky and gave them bird names Fly me to the moooon ...
swallow, vulture, heron, tit, pigeon, toucan, partridge, albatross, seagull ... and they’re all going to shit on us !
bip biiiip squawk squawk
And it was the evening of the fifth day
This one didn’t live long, poor little bugger !
I love a big brown quail ! * the sound of the wood squawking squeaking
* Prehistoric quails were much larger than today. god’s expression of the Joy of eating has passed into common usage, but most people now only use the abbreviated form
And it was the morning of the sixth day Ooooh ! My head !
I shouldn’t have drunk so much last night !
I can feel it’s going to be a shitty day, and I’m going to seriously screw up
And god said “ Let’s get back to our sheep “ * but this was a problem, because sheep hadn’t been invented yet. so he took a cloud, screwed on four legs and a head, and on the sixth day god created the sheep
Would you like to dance ?
* Translator’s note :
Just my luck ! I’ve created a gay sheep !
Mr Geluck, the author of this book, finds it amusing to make silly puns, most of which are untranslatable ! This is the first of many ( unfortunately for you, dear reader ) about sheep. ' Revenons à nos moutons ' means ' Let’s get back to business ', but I can’t say that because there’s a sheep in the picture, right ? So I have translated it literally. There !
And on the afternoon of the sixth day god said : “ Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind, except the sheep, which I created this morning “
Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind, except the sheep, which I created this morning
He’s talking about me again !
I think he really likes me !
Good idea, supreme being. Lots of Juicy maggots and worms to eat
And god said : Well, this is all very interesting, but I have to make a list of every living creature, to be sure I haven’t forgotten any ...
Hey, you ! Are you going to follow me everywhere or what ?
Did you have a puppy That always followed you around Well I’m gonna be as faithful as that puppy No I’ll never let you down River Deep, Mountain High
please, not tina turner !
Dylan then ?
I’m knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door knock knock knockin’
God really didn’t know what to do with this sheep who followed him everywhere, so he decided to humour him
This is totally stupid. If he wants me to fetch it, it means he wants it back, right ? So why is he throwing it away in the first place ?
I really don’t get it
And then god had a really really great idea ! Let’s play leapsheep *
I’d love to be your playmate !
* Translator’s note : For the next few pages, Mr Geluck has fun playing with ' sauter ' (leap, hop, Jump, get laid) and ' mouton ' (sheep) ... yawn, yawn. Central to this ' humour ’ is ' saute-mouton ', which is ' leapfrog ’, but I don’t see a frog, do you ? I see a sheep. And I have my professional pride. So I have called this childish game ' leapsheep '. There !
... later that afternoon ... How was it for you ?
I Just love the way we take turns to hop over each other*
Knock ! Knock ! Knock ! * Translator’s note : For the sexual connotation, the interested reader is referred to ' Travelling Riverside Blues ' by Robert Johnson (1937) : “ My Friars Point rider, she hops all over me “. At least some of us have an education, mr author !
Hide !! I’ll get a bad reputation if somebody finds me in bed with a sheep
I love it when you tell me what to do !
And god opens the door, and says ... sweetie ! What a surprise ! I didn’t expect you back so soon. Weren’t you going to stay at your sister’s till sunday ?
This is good ! gulp !
But God seemed somewhat ill-at-ease ...
I missed you so much, my big furry pussycat !
And I’ve been thinking about your ' I’m gonna create life ’ thing
so I thought it was time I came back
Have you got anywhere with it ?
Well, first I divided light from darkness, then earth from water, then day from night ...
Then I sowed grass and trees and created a whole load of living creatures
It’s a fishbone, honeybunch ... I was hungry, so I ...
We agreed to split up the work. Did we or did we not ?? You give life ... and I take it away
If you start killing fish, you’re breaking our contract
I’ll ignore it this time But don’t forget - without death, there is no life ...
So god, in his infinite wisdom, said : “ I’m off ! I still have to finish my list of living creatures, or it’s going to be a dog’s dinner out there, there’s so many. Hmm, ' dog ’ ... nice name for an animal.“
Right then. I’m off. I still have to finish my list of living ...
Typical ! Go on then, create a bit of life. There’s always plenty of time to take it away While you’re gone I’ll do a bit of cleaning
Dust and dust to dust ! It’s a real pigsty in here
God made a list of all living creatures Right. Therapods - done. Now for the pterosaurs, pliosaurs and iguanodon
If those creationist assholes donâ€™t mind, of course ...
And god started wondering if he wasn’t getting a little bit lost I wonder if I’m not getting a little bit lost
I’ve already got 527 types of dinosaur and there’s at least another 2000 to put in !
My sweet lord !
I’ll never make it
Meanwhile, in the house of the lord ... And what may I ask are you doing in the bedroom ?
Ah ! Indeed ! Yes !
Honey ! I’m home !
Well ... I was Just passing and I noticed some sheep under the bed. And they said “ Hi pâââl “. And, as you know, we’re very gregarious animals, so I ...
What a face ! I think I’ve screwed up
Mmmm Something smells good ... !
And god had a real downer
Tell mummy all about it
I screwed up with my creation. The animals I invented are useless. They’re full of manufacturing flaws. They’ll never be able to evolve. so much for god the great creator ! And they’re ugly. And I don’t know what to do.
But your food is fabulous ! What is it ?
Mutton Yuuuck !
How dare you kill my sheep !!
He was my friend ! My only friend !
Calm down darling, you know how you get worked up when you’re angry. Look at this
I’ll make you a nice warm coat out of it, and he’ll have you under his skin all winter ...
And then god got reeaally mad You killed my sheep ! so I’m going to kill you And hang you out to rot !
Stop it. You’re tickling me ! And you know you can’t kill death, silly boy Oooh, how big and strong he is, my baby ! Mmmmh ! I Just love to feel you on top of me ...
You ah ! Oooh ah ! My daaarling !
Mind my hair !
Bing bang Ooooaah Ggrrrgh Aha aha aha Ggrrrgh
Yes ! yes ! No! no! Not there. There !!!
Oh .. my .. god ! That was divine !
It is good
Come on Sugarlump. Itâ€™s boring I know, but I still have to go to the office
You might think about inventing hot water
While youâ€™re there
My hair !! Whatâ€™s this Iâ€™ve been sitting on ?
Give that to me - now !
So it’s a wig !
What the F... ?
youâ€™re not a real blonde ?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Youâ€™ll never know ...
a brazilian wax, baby !!!
Then god hit the roof
My Me !!
Don’t you ever forget who you’re talking to !
! ! ! m Wha
Youâ€™ll pay for that, you god-for-nothing little chicken turdâ€‰!
Just you wait !
I’m out of here. Good luck with your creation crap ! Give as much life as you want, baby. We’ll see who has the last laugh !
Ha! Ha! Ha!
You forgot you hair, baldilocks !
Piss off, assholeâ€‰!
And so it was that an unidentified flying obJect landed on the earth, covering it like a chinese hookerâ€™s arse
And darkness fell once more upon the earth. Without light, the plants and trees perished, and without food the dinosaurs died
Who turned out the lights ?
Why was I born a herbivore ?
Goodbye cruel world !
I dieeee ...
And thus it came to pass that the first of godâ€™s own creatures ceased to be. And the curtain fell on Act I of the worldâ€™s first tragedee ...
And God said to himself, “ What a fucking mess ! “
My wife’s left me, thousands of animals I created have choked to death ...
And worst of all (sob, sob) I miss my sheep soooo much !
And god had another real downer
Why did she kill my sheep ? Boo Hoo !
My poor little Gromit ! I’ll never see him ever again !
But as he wiped away the tears god had a flash of divine inspiration ! Why don’t I ressucitate my sheep ?
Duh ! After all, I am god !
My god, what stunning ideas he has. Now who would have thought of that, eh ? But will his crazy plan succeed ? To find out, dear reader, Just lick your finger and turn the page ...
My wife might be a monster, but above all else sheâ€™s the perfect housewife, and if she cooked me two mutton chops, she must have put the rest in ...
Well, well ...
The bitch ! I knew it ! she put the rest of my sheep in here. But what’s that next to him ? Looks like a frozen baby
An unwanted pregnancy if ever I saw one !
But first things first. The sheep !
The baby can wait. I’ll close the lid so it doesn’t catch warm
“ My god “ ... am I dumb or what ? so what do I say ?
Errr “ Me, ... please defrost my sheep, properly and everything “
“ Make all his bits stick together, and make his skin cover him again, properly and all “
“ I believe in me. Ameeeen “
And god thought : “ Wow ! I am Just sooo cool ! Ha ! “ We shall overcome
I have a dream
u Tuuuuu uuut
I will survive
Yes, we can !
Ich bin ein Berliner !
And god hugged and squeezed the sheep My friend, my brother, my life !
My little lamb, my cuddlywuddly
Careful boss, you’re squeezing ... Aaarggh ... squee..euhhh... zing too ...
... tighhhhtaaarghhh ...
And god hugged him so tight that he squeezed the poor sheep to death I am the dumbest of the dumb ! I brought him back from the dead and now I’ve killed him again
What am I going to do with him now ? I can’t put him back in the freezer because you’re not supposed to re-freeze meat that’s been defrosted
But way-hay ! All I have to do is ressuscitate him again ! Why not ?
That thing is Just so cool !
Get up, dead. On your feet. And be grateful !
AAABRACA DABRAAAA !
We are the champions, we are the champions
We will, we will rock you, uh ! rock you, uh ! I love being brought back from the dead by this guy !
Right, enough of that, sambo. Down to bizniss Nice, what you’re wearing. What is it ?
We be goin’ to I’s workshop only, where dere’s many many tings to do - oh lordy lordy - an’ we’z agonna redooo de creeayshon I done start on dis earth simply Why’s he talking to me like a Congolese Rasta gospel singer from Bombay ? Wool. It’s a bit warm in summer, though
Here, my woolly friend, is where we are going to do great things, you and I !
Here is my grand design : “ Filling the earth with sentient beings, Phase 2 “ ... and you will be my model bâââgger me !
All rights reserved
Using his friend as a model, god set to designing a multitude of living creatures to inhabit the earth, again ...
We’ll call this one “ rabbit “
And he’ll love carrots and screwing
And now my friend go and change into a stripey costume
and we’ll create the zebra
All rights reserved
God’s best friend had a ball dressing up in all sorts of costumes, and even invented animal noises to stimulate his master’s creative voice
Ouh Ouh Eek
The noises are Just suggestions ...
God. Look ! What do you think ?
Hey Boh Rook - too tuthks, won twunk
The future is yours my friends. Go forthâ€‰! Shag yourselves silly and multiplyâ€‰!
And god’s creatures took him at his word and shagged themselves silly Je t’aime This is the best day of my life
Ich liebe dick
moi non plus
It’s my only day
All rights reserved
Some months later, a veritable multitude of tiny tots appeared, taking after their father and their mother
But it was not long before problems beset these new dwellers of the earth The son of the tuna and the sparrow drowned when he went to visit his dad and fell out of the tree when he went to see his mum
And every time she tried to hatch an egg, the daughter of the cock and the cow squashed it
But they all had one thing in common ... a thick woolly coat. This became quickly unbearable for those who lived in warm climates, and drove some of them completely wacko ... Hey, buddy ! I’m a tree !
Ooh baby ! I’m a koohalah ! You wanna do it ?
Why does the child of a hippopotamus and a flamingo have such flimsy little legs ?
My dad swore I’d be able to walk on the ceiling
For fuck’s sake ! The son of a gorilla and a scallop should be able to swim, no ?
Baaartholomew, why have you stopped moving ?
... Bââârt ?
In a word, after his first disaster with the dinosaurs, god had now managed to create a bunch of useless morons, and he said to himself: “ this is not good at all “
Bin ! Trash ! Garbage !
Let he who has never made a mistake throw the first stone, and on that stone shall I build my church
So god said: third time lucky! And until I get my inspiration back, let’s have a game of leapsheep* And that’s what he diiiiid
Sheep get lept in the morning, Sheep get lept at night...
... Sheep get lept at breakfast time, When god’s as horny as a kite
I’m tired of getting lept all day
But he is god, so I suppose I’d better Just keep my mouth shut
Following my previous note on sheepleaping I have done more (unpaid) research, as one does if one is a professional. It appears that both 'leapfrog’ and 'leapsheep’ derive from the same Aramaic word, 'hleEphroOgh’, meaning 'hop on the back of a milk-yielding ungulate’, but the original 2nd century English translator was incompetent or drunk and didn’t know his 'phroOghs’ from his ungulates.
God had played leapsheep for six days, and on the seventh, exhausted, he fell into a deep sleep u
odoo o d o o d ompa Oo ompa O
Oy ! Louis Armstrong, shut it !
The boss needs to get some restâ€‰!
And as god is not one to do things by halves, he slept for 100 years
During the next 100 years, godâ€™s best friend did not cease from mental fight, nor did his brush sleep in his hand, till heâ€™d refined godâ€™s sketches all, and made them brilliant, detailed, and grand
And at the end of 100 years and many cups of coffee (and not 6 days as certain pale imitations of our book claim) the creation of the animal world was complete Right. I’ll put the lepidoptera next to the hymenoptera and diptera
The Pinnipedia will go with the sirenia, right next to the proboscidea and hyracoidea
If the wind gets up I’ve had it !
And after a century of golden slumber, god awoke ! Yaaawwwnnn ... I slept like a logarithm
Damn right, the clock’s sure gone round a few times, boss
And when you’ve drunk your coffee, I’ve got something to show you
These, boss, are the notes I took while you were talking in your sleep. You gave me a list and description of 8.7 million living creatures.
What’s all this, sheep ? And I want the truth !
How long did I sleep ? Bang on 100 years Bloody hell ! I’m something else, no ?
Not only have these millions of creatures been superbly thought up by yours truly (which will surprise no-one), but theyâ€™ve been brilliantly drawn by you (which will surprise everyone)
OKAAY You lot, the musicians ! If any of you snitch and tell him it was me who did everything while he was snoring ...
Iâ€™ll stick your trumpets down your miserable throats ! OK ??
In the name of the powers invested in me by me, I hereby bestow on you the Order of Great Sheepishness, and especially for you I will invent Woolite ®
And then we’ll go and have a drink
I don’t think I’ve ever been so moved in my life
I won’t say no
I’ll tell you something for nothing, pal: there’s something missing in my 8.7 million creatures. Itza hellofalot an’ it’ll soon be a real pear-shaped dog’s dinner ...
Who’ll look after that lot ? Who’ll milk the cows ? Who’ll eat the fruit ?
This Mouton-Rothschild goes down like a ewe’s udder at sunset !*
An’ who’re the mosquitoes 'n wasps gonna sting ?
* Bilingual sheep Joke, only understood by bilingual sheep
An’ who’ll mow the lawn ?
An’ who’ll take the dog out for a walk ?
I’m tellin’ you, my friend, I’ll have to create a sheepdogslavedriver-kindaanimal to manage this mess You mean like a monkey, but with an opposable thumb ... ?
You know what, boss ? If I was you I’d create a being in my own likeness
Why in your own likeness ? Not mine, yours !
So why do you say ' my ' if you mean me
I don’t have any shoes. An’ who do you think you are anyway, sheep, putting yourself in god’s shoes ?! You could get into some seeerious trouble with an attitude like that. But you’re a lucky sheep. know why ? Because god is love !
God only knows what you’d do without me
I’m putting myself in your shoes
An’ I’ll shay one more thing, Seep ...
Let’s have one last one at my place. And then to bed ... or not to bed ? That is the question ! To dye ... a sheep ? For with red sheep in bed what rams may come, and give us paws. Ha !!! *
* These are god’s actual words. A soon-to-be famous English playwright, himself equally drunk, read these words, got them wrong, and put them in the mouth of his most famous hero. His version has, erroneously, gone down in history.
... and so, teetering and tottering and chatting away merrily, the two friends wandered home, without the slightest idea that the next day would change the world for ever ...
And on the following day, god tried to create man
Something like that... ?
What do you think ? I think itâ€™s not a great idea to create man with a mega hangover ! Iâ€™m going to get some ice cubes
to put on my head
Holy shit, My head !
Never again ! I’m never touching another drop
Ohhh my me, Ohhh my meeee ....
Never again !
Itâ€™s a funny colour, this ice
Where did you get the ice cubes ? The freezer in the cellar Whyâ€‰?
But that means ...
The kid’s defrocked ... er, defrosted !
Oh my god ! I mean ... Oh my me !
Oh no !!
What ? Who ?
Bloody hell !
Boss! Lamb of god !
Lord of lords ! He looks awwwful !
We’ll have to do something with the kid, now he’s defrosted How about a little resurrection ? Bring him back to life. Make the first man !
Err ... Huh ?
That’s not a bad idea ! I Just have to remember the magic words
Abrin kindin brin ?
Have you tried
Abrocodobro ... Merde !
Abrancandanbran ? Ab ba ... no not Abba ! Scheise !
our We wanbtack ! money
Give us our ! money back
a a w
! h a a a
I did it !
Why’s he yelling like that ?
I think he’s hungry
Well then, give him something to eat !
Do you have any breast milk ?
Er ... no Me neither, so here you are. You sort something out. I’m going to do the birth announcement
shee e h t e v e t and s
nounce n a o t y p p are hahe birth of t
by a young bag)
(49cm 3.6k mankind u h f o n a the first m ening The chrbiestheld will ntsâ€™ home e at the par
Looks perfect. When can you print itâ€‰?
We’ll have the cards in 2 days, boss
Ahhh isn’t he cute ! But, wow, they shit a lot at that age, don’t they ?
I’ll go and get some diapers before Tesco closes
... otherwise it’ll be shit central on the clouds tonight
Do you have any cash ? I don’t have any on me
Why Balthazaw always carry white man’s burden ?
We are the three kings and we bring gold, frankincense and myrrh for the child Jesus, son of Joseph and mary
Sowwy but la lady of la houth no here an I don’ know nuuthin’ ... en nobody here con este name que vos sayin’
Sowwy para you Journey, un cold coming you had of it !
so be it. We shall return on Tuesday to shake his little handy-pandy
All the angels in heaven were invited to the christening and each gave a gift to the first man ... I gift you the love of football and fast cars And I, the eternal Joy of ironing ... for your wife
And my gift is greed, and a good head for business
I give you the power to drive on the wrong side of the road when youâ€™re pissed out of your mind
And why wasnâ€™t I invited ?!
so ... we christen the first man of mankind and invite everybody ... but forget to invite the mother ? Oh my god ! The wife ! The shit’s really going to hit the fan ...
Listen Margaret, this is really not a good time for a domestic. Donâ€™t forget that it was you who put our baby in the freezer ...
... that you killed and cooked my best friend the sheep, and that generally youâ€™ve been a real pain in the arse. But ... Iâ€™m ready to overlook all that
if you promise to lighten up and lose the attitude
It is true that you should have had an invitation to the christening, but you know how unreliable the post is ...
How sweet he’s become, my lovely man, since he started playing mummy
And he’s sooo cute, the little pinky pinky baby Mummikins hopes he didn’t catch a coldywoldy in that nasty freezer
Gaga gaga ... doodoodoo ! Who’s a pretty little mummy’s boy then ?
Do you think I’m a total idiot ? An’ you thought you could soften me up with this lump of warm meat ?!
You have no idea who you’re dealing with here !
I’ll stuff your talc where the sun never shines, baby
Ha Ha, so we forgot to invite the wicked witch, did we ? So big boy, as a punishment I’m going to stick one hell’s mother of a curse on his sorry human ass ! Whatever he chooses and whatever he does, he will fuck it up like a total asshole Everywhere and forever !
And it was the saddest day in all the history of humankind
ha! ha! ha!
All rights reserved
Quiz of the day: There is a pair of testicles hidden in the clouds. Can you spot them ?
So god, in his great wisdom, said : What you Just did was really not very nice, Margaret, and I’m very upset
I really thought we could make a fresh start and be the perfect family And instead, you’ve come and ruined the baby’s party with your curse. But I shall do everything I can to help him escape your evil spell. Just you wait. You’ll see what we’re made of. Now, leave.
But once god’s wife had gone, our friends were left holding the baby, like two real Jerks I have a funny feeling shared custody is out, and I think we’re going to have to look after him ourselves
You’re not wrong ! However ... we should pass a law, because some people will say that a child needs a father and a mother and that it’ll harm his development to be brought up by two men, one of whom is a sheep
Our two buddies quickly learned the small caring gestures of all young parents, and god said :
Agagaga BidooBidoo Who’s daddy’s baby den ?
You cutie-putie Who’s a giggly-wiggly baby ?
There’s a big bottle of milkywilk waiting for you at home
Ohhh !! Thingy’s hungry again ! You’d better feed him
1. I’m not the maid 2. today’s the 8th of March, International sheep’s Day 3. Maybe we should find a name for thingy ? s 6 day n i e nd o M
We could call him bilbo but that’s doesn’t sound serious enough for the first man of humankind
Or Jimi but then he’d be another colour
or marilyn but that’s a bit effeminate ... not bad! write it down, and I’m off to bed
What do you think of Jesus ?
Imeofftobed isn’t bad, but it’s a bit long I propose we sleep on it
Where the hell did I put it ? Little bo peep has lost her teeth ...
Ah, damn and blast!! Have you seen my tooth brushâ€‰?
Why is he calling me Ahdamâ€‰?
Nice name. but it Needs shortening a bit Time for bed, sheep !
Young Ahdam - sorry Adam - grew up in a happy family atmosphere and became a determined and helpful little boy When youâ€™ve finished sweeping the terrace, go and get us another fruit Juice !
This is all so cool !
What a great idea to have created mankind so utterly devoted to me
Whatever you say
For me, apple, pear and grape
And me mango Hey, see the little man go ! Ha! Ha!
He’s so cute ! That hairstyle really suits him.
It so does
Get a move on, dude
One, two, one, two !
You know what ? Doing nothing ... it is good !
Those apples are not ripe yet. He’s comatose and traumatized, poor thing !
* Translator’s note: Why is a whole page devoted to a pile of apples, you may ask ? Well ... “ fall into apples “ in french means to faint. Honestly, all that ink for one silly pun !
I feel bad boss, it was me who asked you to invent them. I so like a granny smith And I don’t like to criticize, but you made banana skin much too slippery
How is he ?
He’s been locked in there for 2 hours. He must have swallowed 5 pounds of unripe apples
He’s become a real apple core processor. Think what that’s done to his insides
But when heâ€™d recovered from his tummy upset, young adam went back to being a young boy like any other young boy ... er that is he went back to being a young boy chasing flies, ripping the wings off butterflies, cutting worms in two to see if both bits grew back ... in a word, he kept himself busy in the garden of eden
Adam started to grow hair round his willy and became a handsome young man Uncle steve, I’m really hungry ! Can I Have an apple ?
No, no ! No apples You fell into a pile of apples when you were little *
Apple sauce ? same thing. Your father doesn’t want you to !
Apple Juice ? Are you stupid or what ?
* Translator’s note: You’re a comics freak, right ? You’ve read Asterix ? Where Obelix falls into the magic potion when he’s a kid so Asterix refuses to let him ever have any more? Well Mr Geluck is alluding to this monument of comicdom ... Adam can’t ever have any apples because he fell into them when he was a kid. Gettit ? so tiresome all this ... .
And then adam began to feel the first stirrings of adolescence. But our young friend didnâ€™t know where to direct his impulses. So he started chatting up anything that moved
Hello darling, would you like a sweetâ€‰?
And driven by his bubbling hormones, our hero tried everything, and I mean everything ...
Everybody told me I was acting like a pig, so I thought I’d find one and ask for a date
Come here my dearest !
I’d never seen a beaver, and I must say I’m impressed !
If you only knew how long I’ve been dreaming about pussy
Young Adam found himself reJected by every female in the whole of creation, so he came looking for comfort to his fatherâ€™s best friend Uncle Steve can we play leapsheep, please uncle steve
Come on !
Hey Adam, are you crazy ?
Get off my rump this minute !
thatâ€™s not how you play it
Wait here while I go and get the rules
those hooooonky tonk women gimme the honky tonk bluuuues
Boss ! boss !
Weâ€™re in deep shii.. ..iit !
What now ?
And god was appalled to learn that his own son was acting like a real dickhead
My god, my god ! ... I mean my I, myself. How could I have fathered someone so gross ?
No good complaining, boss. You gave your creatures dicks and pussies, so it’s perfectly understandable they should want to use them. And you did tell them to go forth and multiply ...
I thought Adam would be different
You must be Joking ! And he’s hung like a stallion. Hadn’t you noticed ?
You need to find him a female, poor kid
That’ll calm him down
Adam, my friend, your father and I were thinking that you must be getting a bit bored by yourself, and that maybe the time has come to find you a playmate, so you don’t feel so alone
So, what do you think ?
Of course it’s only a sketch, I still have to work on it a bit ...
She looks nice, but honestly I pictured something a bit different ... physically
Oh, OK. I think she’s quite feminine myself, but tastes differ I suppose
Tell me what you’d like her to look like and I’ll try to fix it
Yeah! That’s great ! Just add a bit more tit ... Perfect !
That’s made me hungry. I’d love an apple
Do you prefer blondes or redheads, before I colour her in No apples ! You fell into a pile of them when you were little and were very sick. Your uncle steve did a great Job nursing you back to health
And the next day, god created woman and named her eve
Yvesâ€‰? No, Eve !
So you are Adam ?
That’s me. And I have to tell you that ...
... you’re much more beautiful than all the cows, monkeys, turkeys, giraffes and cod ...
... that I’ve ever met
Where are you taking me, Adam ?
Ah ! Ha Ha ! I can see you canâ€™t wait ! Iâ€™m taking you to meet your destiny
A few dishes to do
God was so busy creating the world that they piled up a bit So, if you could start with that ... I have a meeting with some colleagues
And so the days, weeks and years passed in this real little heaven on earth ... Adaaam !! Dinner’s ready !
You must excuse me, my friends. Duty calls
Ha Ha Looks like she’s a good cook, your wife. You’ve put on a bit a weight
Holy shit ! How does he know everything about everything ? He’s going to fleece us again
Looks like you enJoyed it ... your Duck pâté, roast boar & goat cheese
Don’t eat too much dessert, darling, it’s fattening
It’s sooo good I can’t stop
Your pie is to die for ! What is it ?
I strictly forbade him from eating apples !!
Adam, I am very disappointed in you. Your behaviour is unacceptable and you will be punished
Iâ€™d never noticed that your face looks like your dick For the apple thing, it was her not me Your dick?
Little snitch ! stoolly ! Creep !
I have before me, your honour, the proof that my clients are not guilty of the accusations brought against them, because ...
I know. It grows when Iâ€™m upset Weirdâ€‰! You have a beard
Carry on, Counsel, carry on ...
That’s why I’m here, Counsel
Judge for yourself
Foundedvin minus fi e billion years
Le Monde in 6 days
er was there !
Our photograph Tell me child, e to would you lik us bake a delicio your apple pie for husband ?
Published Monday to saturday. No edition on Sunday
How kind of you, old lady !
I was Just going to the shop, so you’ve saved me a lot of time
Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury. What is your verdictâ€‰?
You are banished from the Garden of Eden because you ate apples and I’d told you not to. From now on, you’re on your own !
Out ! The Exit’s that way
But lord, we’re stark naked, we can’t go out like this ! Give us at least a bathrobe or a towel or even a fig leaf
I think he’ll need a banana leaf
Well, no more welfare state for us, my dear. It’s a small kick in the butt for us, but a huge kick up the ass for mankind
That’s all very poetic ... but I’ve got nothing to wear, and we’ve got nothing to eat, and no home
You’ll have to find a Job, my friend, because it’s not what you win at cards that’s going to feed us and put a roof over our heads
A few days later ... What are you lot doing here ?
Same as you he found out we’d eaten apples and that really pissed him off so he threw us out too
If he didn’t want us to eat apples, why did he create them ?
It was steve the sheep’s idea, but god does enJoy making apple schnapps and cider
He does drink a lot for someone in his position
If he throws everybody out, he’ll be bored silly by himself. He’ll have no friends, Just apples !
He can always watch porn on his iPad ! And the sheep can watch movies on ewe tube ! Ha Ha
take that, Jack !!!
As winter approached and his wife had nothing to wear, Adam finally started acting like the first real man
Sorry, pal, but from now on it’s every man for himself
Look what I got you, honey
Oh, Adam !
It’s beautiful ! You’re such a sweetheart !
Adam and Eve set up home in a little cave where they were happy and had lots of children, whose names were Cain, Abel, seth, Heareth, Thinketh, Doeth and sneezy ...
And Adam and Eve had many more children who fornicated and reproduced amongst themselves, without thinking for one moment that consanguinity can lead to serious degenerescence. But the descendants of the first man and woman became great hunters
Donâ€™t hurt yourselves, children
And then one day Cain and Sneezy had a big argument ... It’s mine ! I saw it first !
Your arrow only wounded it
It was mine that killed it !
And in a moment of rage, Cain smashed his brother’s skull, starting a tradition of violence which mankind has called its own from then onwards, everywhere and forever Here’s one for your fat paleolithic face Owww !
Have you seen that, boss ?
What a mess ! What a fucking mess !
Infamy, Infamy, why do they have it in for me ? Pooo bwana ! He sad maan, mon !
My creatures are morons & retards. Iâ€™ve screwed up again. Gabriel, go and get Noah. I need to talk to him ...
I shall be your ark angel, lord
Here’s my plan, gentlemen: I’m going to drown them all in a flood
We’ll save a hetero couple from each species to ensure the continuation of life on earth, because I’m getting pissed off starting from scratch every time
And you, Noah, will build an ark to carry them all
Jawohl, mein führer
While Steve the sheep took care of rounding up a male and a female of every sub-species in the animal kingdom ... Come on guys, no slacking and no farting. Think of those behind
... in secret, Noah started building an enormous ark
Hi Noah! What are you doingâ€‰?
Err ... Nothing, nothing Just a few odd Jobs
Now, Adam and Eve suspected there was something iffy going on, so they dressed up, got in the line and tried to draw it, thereby creating mankind’s first zeugma * * Translator’s note: I’ve never met such a pretentious author in my whole career.
Ominous black clouds had gathered in the sky and rain had started to fall when the procession reached Noahâ€™s construction site
Come and shelter under my ark, you lucky little buggersâ€‰!
I don’t believe it ! I don’t believe it !
Are you sure ?
He’s even more stupid than all the rest !
What the f... are you What is this bullshit ?!!!
I’m so sorry, mein führer ! I must have misunderstood
That was a good one, wasn’t it boss ?
It was a Joke !
Humour was born, and god saw that it was good, and he laughed till he cried for 40 days and 40 nights, and his tears swelled over the land until the highest mountains were covered
And the ark rode the vast waters, through corpses, putrefying carcasses, and a few exhausted creatures begging to be saved... but an order, as they say, is an order ... Noah row the boat ashore, alleluya
With god on our side
And at the dawn of the 150th day, without anybody knowing where the 4 billion billion (4,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) cubic-litres-of-water-needed-to-cover-theearth-up-to-the-top-of-the-mountains ... had gone, Noah’s Ark landed on Mount Ararat, and the passengers were happy to stretch their legs, even if some of them would have preferred not to bump into their old man or old lady after 5 months of promiscuity with the other passengers ... You spent a lot of time with that crane
I told you sheila, it’s not true
G’luck to ya Bruce, if ya wanna leave me for that dingo
I told you, it was Just business, she’s in construction
He was nothing more than a fluffy toy to me I couldn’t bear to see you with that grizzly, Ted
Well ? You fancied that young zebu, didn’t you ?
I promise I won’t see her again !
Of course I wasn’t running after her. There wasn’t enough room
Don’t you fancy me any more ?
I saw you with that rottweiler
It was Just puppy love !
Of course I do, my little humptydumpty !
Don’t lie, you were with him from dawn till tusk !
And whose ears were flapping around that flamingo ?
It was love at first bite That tiger couldn’t keep his claws off you !
I heard you say she was cute enough to eat
It was purely gastronomical. Nothing physical
I saw you with that boycow, mooing away
I feel so used, so unclean !
I was a virgin. It was the first time I’d taken a bull by the horns
Don’t you ever see that bitch again !
When Noah found out that Adam and Eve had cheated to save their skins and stolen food from the rabbits, he was very angry. But as he could do nothing about it, he put his mind and body to the most important thing of all - peopling the earth with humans. So Noah did, did again, and did again and again what he had to do ... with Mrs Noah.
Every time we get bollocked, itâ€™s about food !
First apples and now carrots !
And the earth was peopled with the descendants of Noah and Naohmi : Ham, Sham, Tush, Pout, and Canine (wikipedia only mentions one female, and that’s... Oprah). But once there were enough of them - as if it was their destiny - the men started beating the shit out of each other. Only a small few seemed to get on
I’m curating an exhibition of ancient tools in a gallery in Sodom. Would you like to come ?
Oy ! You ! The artist ! Bugger off or I’ll stick yer brushes where the sun don’t shine
Love to ! I’m like so into tools ! When’s the opening ?
And if relations between men could often be stormy, those between wives and husbands were no less complicated ...
Where are you off to again ?
Er ... nowhere my darling !
The firm’s organising a seminar in Gomorrah
Some time later, not in Gomorrah, but in Sodom ... Y.M.C.A. ... youâ€™ll find it at the Y.M.C.A. !! ... you can hang out with all the boys ... Y.M.C.A.
Oolalalala ! I don’t like that sort of behaviour !
It starts with a party between friends, then everybody drinks a bit too much, and 6000 years later they’re asking for marriage for everyone
BoOm ! Sodom is history !
So you’re not worried about being called a big fat homophobic reactionary, then ?
I want to know if I should carry on being Jerked off by the human race
I see ... I see ... that they’ll never change
They’re assholes and they’ll stay assholes till the end of time
If I were you, I’d find someone you can trust and give him your Job
So, my good fellows, I think we have done everything divinely possible, and the time has come to let mankind sort itself out
What I need is someone who is totally trustworthy, who was born into a people of my choosing, and who will be my representative on earth
Here I am !
He said 'someone’ not 'somesheep’, dumbo !
... these !
The Belgians ! Never heard of them !
Take me to Brussels in Belgium
* Translator’s note: Dear reader, as we approach the dénouement of this story (a big word for such a flimsy affair in my opinion ...) I’d like to thank you for staying with me. But then ... why would anyone choose to read French when they can read English ?
And god rang the doorbell of he-whom-he-had-chosen-amongst-the-chosen-people
I hope heâ€™s in !
Are you Philippe Geluck ?
That’s me, yes
May I enquire who’s asking ?
I am god and I have come to speak with you
Sorry, but if you don’t have an appointment, I can’t see you
Is he taking the piss or whatâ€‰?
! m a a a sl
Just Joking, lord ! Come in, come in !
You should have seen your face !
That’s what I was thinking ...
So, your holiness. Why have you come ringing my bell... gium ?! Gettit ? Ho ! Ho ! Ho !
Would you like a drink ?
It’s a long story, my dear Geluck, and I think only you can help me
So god told his incredible story to Geluck who took copious notes so he wouldn’t forget anything
This may all sound pretty weird, my dear geluck, but it’s the holy truth, and nothing but the truth
All I ask you now is to tell this story - with a few illustrations - and to pass on my message to today’s and to future generations
And then there And I brought are things I feel you a few personal pretty strongly about : notes which sum up 'you only one life, in 11 points the broad so enJoy ithave ', lines of my thinking ' don’t piss other people off ', ' don’t think that your idea is necessarily I’m not very better than comfortable with the someone first 4 points - it’s a else’s', lot of self-promotion ' look after - things like ' I am the those you only god', ' you shall love', have no other gods etc. etc. before me' ...
But the most important one is the 11th commandment: 'you shall laugh at everything, because we’re all going to die one day and only humour can give you a bit of perspective on life’s ups and downs'
To spread my word, you shall publish comic books
Your will shall be done, lord
And if people ask you for posters, mugs, chocolates or fluffy toys, make them for me, make them for your brothers, do it to protect them from evil
And now Iâ€™m going to reveal to you my first Joke
And so it was that geluck set forth on the paths of righteousness, selflessly spreading the good word of god, and so saved mankind from the doom and gloom into which it was sinking
A man went
into a bar, and ...
... reggae rasta reggae rasta reggae ... So de god mon rode yaweh ... wid pride an’ allahcriteh ... an’ he nevah look Jehovah him shoulda, To see Geluck he gettin’ balda an’ more oldah ...
That turned out well
didn’t it, gromit ?
I always believed in you, boss
Works by Philippe Geluck - casterman publishers ALBUMS Le Chat - Le retour du Chat - La vengeance du Chat - Le quatrième Chat - Le Chat au Congo - Ma langue au Chat - Le Chat à Malibu Le Chat 1999,9999 - L’avenir du Chat - Le Chat est content - L’affaire Le Chat - Et vous, Chat va ? - Le Chat a encore frappé La marque du Chat - Une vie de Chat - Le Chat, acte XV - Le Chat Erectus - Le Chat Sapiens - La Bible selon Le Chat Le Chat s’expose (Catalogue de l’exposition) - Télérama hors-série BEST OF Le meilleur du Chat - L’excellent du Chat - Le succulent du Chat - Entrechats - Le top du Chat Universal encyclopedias Un peu de tout - Made in Belgium - Le Petit Roger Medical books Le Docteur G répond à vos questions - Le Docteur G fait le point - Cher Docteur G LITERATURE Oh toi le Belge, ta gueule ! - Geluck se lâche - Geluck enfonce le clou
Books and albums available at www.geluck.com/boutique - JC lattès publishers Peut-on rire de tout ?
- Digital iBOOKSTORE
- Delagrave publishers -
Peintures - God Save The Cat - The Cat’s Travels
La Mathématique du Chat
- Rue ElisE publishers -
(only on Le Chat iOS app)
In French : Peintures In English : God Save The Cat - The Cat’s Travels
iLivre 1 - Le Chat à la mer iLivre 2 - Le Chat se la pète iLivre 3 - Le Chat se fait rire
- PLAYBAC publishers Le Tour du Chat en 365 jours (Calendrier perpétuel) Les 365 jours du Chat (Calendrier perpétuel)
- CBBD & LA POSTE publishers Le Chat sonne toujours deux fois Le Chat sonne toujours deux fois (luxe)
Have a great read yâ€™all
And enjoy your meal !