WE LIKE IT ON TOP (AND SOMETIMES ON THE BOTTOM)
MAR
31 2011
1
SHITS AND GIGGLES
New Dot System Proposed
IN THIS ISSUE
Quiet Dot — You're a sophomore who decided to masturbate in the Allen Reading Room, just to be safe/you didn't have someone to hook up with. Friday Dot — Your biggest concern is whether you should be kickin' in the front seat or sittin' in the back seat. Which seat should you take? Either one, just don't take the seat next to the unnamed guy at least twice your age who starts rapping about school buses. Environmental Studies Dot — We all must have red dots because we're raping Mother Earth on a daily basis. got walked home b y your pal. Better luck next time.
by JOSH GOODMAN “Pio Ke$ha”
With the success of Green Dot at lowering sexual assault on campus, the Dean of Students Office is expanding the program to include more than Red Dots and Green Dots. Below is the proposed new dot system: Red Dot — Sexual actions without consent. Green Dot — Sexual actions
to
Blue Dot — Consent for sex in Lakum Duckum. Ducks included.
with consent or actions that prevent situations that may lead unwanted sexual contact.
Quaaaaack! Dot — Sexual advances by one duck that are unwanted by another duck.
Yellow Dot — Not sure if there was consent, so proceed with caution.
Charlie Sheen Dot — Itdoesn't matter what color dot you have because you're winning.
Black Dot — You blacked out after 14 shots and
Pi Dot — You're a math major spending Saturday night in the library thinking about how pi r squared equals the area of the Green Dot you got because you're spending Saturday night in the library. Post-Modern Dot — There is no such thing as a universal truth, and therefore no such thing as a sexual action, much less one that is worthy of a green or red dot, or any other colored dot.
Bon Appétit runs out of tofu, students freak by RACHEL ALEXANDER “Doesn’t want to be EIC”
S
tudents eating dinner in Prentiss Dining Hall last week were surprised to discover that tofu had completely disappeared from the menu. Tofu is a perennial favorite in the dining hall, praised by students for its robust texture and subtle yet delicious flavors. But according to Bon Appétit staff member Joe Vansel, the delectable protein has been a victim of its own success. “Bon Appétit has completely run out of tofu,” said Vansel, who is the company’s vice president in charge of vegetarian protein substitutes. “Student demand for it has been so high that we’ve used up our entire reserve tofu stockpile.” Vansel said that Bon Appétit has always experienced high demand for tofu, but that demand has risen exponentially in the past few years as more students have become vegetarian and vegan. “There’s an increasing awareness of the problems with industrial food production,” said Vansel. “Many students feel uncomfortable eating animal products of uncertain origin, so they naturally shift comfortably to an amorphous white food-like substance that they’re told contains protein.” For Whitman’s vegetarian community, the lack of tofu was cause for concern. “Bon Appétit needs to do more to provide for people who choose
not to eat animal products,” said junior Sarah Hemmer, president of Vegans Against Cruelty to Animals, Nutria and Terriers (VACANT). “They cater well to some students, but the options for vegans who are gluten intolerant, only eat raw, organic foods and can’t have added sugar in their diet are really limited.” Some Whitman students welcomed the lack of tofu. Firstyear Jack Dowling said that he looked forward to meals featuring something he called “real food.” “I have nothing against tofu, unless I have to eat it,” he said. He started to list foods Bon Appétit could replace the missing tofu with, but was attacked by a mob of VACANT members before he could finish saying “pork chops.” Vansel said that Bon Appétit is committed to finding acceptable replacements for vegetarian protein while the company assesses their tofu consumption and looks for suppliers who are capable of handling large volume orders. One of the options being considered is RPP, also known as reformulated polymer protein. “RPP is a great option for vegetarians, because it’s a truly sustainable product,” said Vansel. “It’s made from recycled plastics harvested from the Pacific Ocean, and it’s held together by a vegan protein substrate that binds the plastic together.” TOFU,
PAGE
Challah for Hunger finds competition in Mad Libs for Libya, Taffy to oust Gaddafi 2-West has sober night, Lyman throws rager consisting of 10 students, 2 bottles of wine The Pio comes out with an issue that people actually read from front to back Student looks like douche bag after being quoted in weekly college newspaper New RA training involves self- alienation from all previously made relationships New music publication relishes its use of CTRL+C and CTRL+V IHC changes application to ensure potential resident is comfortable having computer stolen ASWC Rep. stays quiet for the first time, meeting ends 30 minutes early
PHOTO BY BERNSTEIN; ILLUSTRATION BY LERCHIN
Fun, education collide at Manatees to Campus Day by NICK WOOD
“Swims with the Manatees”
F
or the first time this year, over 150 manatees will make their way to campus as part of Whitman’s Manatee Program which pairs Whitman students with at-risk manatees. The program was started by Environmental-Biology student Trish Echida as part of her senior project. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been in love with the doc-
2
The Pioneer transforms into Greek organization Pi Omega, investiages own questionable initiation practices. PAGE
16
ile but majestic manatee. Now I really have the chance to give back and make a difference.” Echida designed the project as an outreach program for the at-risk mammals. “Most people know that manatees are an endangered species. They’ve heard about habitat degradation and speedboat collisions. What they don’t know is the vicious social cycle that results from these conditions and MANATEES,
PAGE
3
Students run out of streams to restore, riots erupt on Ankeny Seniors rate Heath Ledger’s death as one of top ten most influential events of college; Billy Mays close second. Financial aid awards scholarship to heir of billionaire
nO