Diary of a Hungover Whittie
SPRING BREAK DESTINATIONS You may be considering staying at Whitman College over the next two weeks to "catch up on sleep" or "work on your thesis" or partake in any number of equally lame and pointless activities. If this is the case, gentle reader, attend! We are in southeastern Washington; here, even the staunchest locals dream of escape during the March holiday. As a service to you and your loved ones, the Backpage would like to edify and amuse with a brief discussion of our favorite pleasure spots for the "National Peanut Month School Sabbatical". For those of you who already have a destination in mind, consider this an appetizer for your imminent vacation. Bon appétit! PORTLAND, ORE. Solid choice, if you are looking to build up the indie music cred you had before entering the Whitman Bubble. Be sure to take your fixie with you.
HOME Familiar, comfortable, haunted by the dusty aroma of your mother's terrible cooking and dos’s wet farts. Totally free of nude Cuban paramilitaries, at least since your dad moved out in '96. Don't be too sad about having to stay home. The food is free, you get to borrow the car and you know everybody. Well, except that all your friends went abroad for Spring Break. Sorry! WALLA WALLA, WASH. Includes the Pasco/Kennewick/Richland area. Beautiful scenery, sensational wine tourism, fine restaurants and inexpensive accommodations. If you stay here, odds are you will end up drinking St. Pauli's by yourself and listening to Wilco's "How to Fight Loneliness" on repeat.
CALIFORNIA For many of you, this place will be "home". But California is not truly home, not to anyone. California is a mirage. Ever since America's first spring breakers struck gold in 1849, the rest of the country has flooded to the golden coast in search of booty ("drunk chicks"). If you're a Whitman student, California lies at the intersection of economy and style. San Diego offers unparalleled proximity to TJ; Orange County is home to 90,000 Koreans; and in San Francisco, you can be touched up by a homosexual in the Castro for absolutely free. A major upside: as you approach Mexico, you may start to remember what a non-orange tan looks like.
MEXICO Up north, drugs and knife crime. Down south, radiant beaches and slightly less knife crime. The men are beautiful and distant; the women, simmering with passion. You will have a romance, and when you describe it to your future spouse, the little tear in the corner of your eye will eventually lead to your divorce. Unless you go to Cancun, in which case you are scum.
EUROPE You are rich. Congratulations! Enjoy your stinky cheese, your Land's End polos and your specially purchased Fair Trade boater. Now know, gentle traveler, that your "smattering of Italian" will not be enough, and you will end up screaming at a waiter in heavilyaccented English, before breaking down and ordering "pizza ... margherita" at up to 10 consecutive dinners. Grim. NEW YORK CITY Lured by the attraction of a sensationally out-of-control Julie Taymor vanity project, travelers to New York will be rewarded this spring season. The Big Apple is rightfully considered the capital of the world, and whether you're wining and dining at incredible restaurants or just roaming Manhattan, you will be in heaven. Unfortunately, you probably won't be able to afford your plane ticket back. Enjoy your new life of prostitution, crime and drug addiction! FLORIDA While visiting your ailing grandparents, it is important to note that the poorer their health, the more time your parents will be obligated to spend attending to them. Freedom! The beauty of Florida's coastline is only matched by the senility of those that wander her glowing beaches. For your sake, stick to the clubs. Remember: in Miami, every night is Euro-Trash night, so pack accordingly.
[rides] Seattle or bust 8 days ago
Ben Dover to rides
Hey I need a ride home to Seattle for break. I can offer gas money and/or baked goods. Must have space for a kayak paddle.
Ben Dover to rides
3 days ago
Hey, I’m Ben. Do you want to make a 10? Dollar Bills, they all adorning my kayak paddle. I really need a ride to Seattle. So do me a favor, And don’t be a slaver; Red Rover, Red Rover Send an email with a ride right over.
Thanks, Ben Dover 7 days ago
Seriously though, I will pay you cash money, bake you up some goods, massage your feet etc. I will supply whatever you need!
Hey! Want to subsidize the cost of your trip home? Let me pay you for a spot in your car! But wait, there’s more! I will also bake your favorite treat and personally feed it to you as we drive! You know you want me in your car—all the cool kids are giving me rides!
The Diary of a Hungover Whittie 8:30 a.m. Still drunk. Wake up, feel like P. Diddy aka DEATH. Only two hours of sleep. Put on sweatshirt over shirt I wore to bed. Go to breakfast, try to eat. Spend most of the time with my head on the table. 9:00 a.m. Class. Longest 50 minutes of my life. Don't say a word. 9:50 a.m. Pass out on Olin couch. Power nap. 11:00 a.m. Class. Again. Can't keep eyes open. Thank God we're watching a movie. No bright lights. 12:00 p.m. In bed. Curl up in fetal position. Eat granola bar. 1:00 p.m. Class. Have rallied for too long, not feeling too bad. 3:00 p.m. Take shower and get ready (like how normal people do in the morning, but in the afternoon) 3:45 p.m. Go to Starbucks with friends. Chill for a little bit. 5:00 p.m. Smoke a couple bowls. 6:15 p.m. Taqueria. Sooooooooooooooooooo Good. 6:50 p.m. Ice-Burg. Hot fudge and Reese's milkshake. Om nom nom nom nom nom. 7:20 p.m. Watch Kanye's "All of the Lights" video a few times. That shit is crazy. 8:00 p.m. Asleep with computer still on lap.
Ben Dover to rides
With spring break coming up, The Backpage has noticed the rides listserv is experiencing a bit of pre-holiday madness. It’s amazing the lengths some Whitties will go for a ride. We decided to illustrate our point by following one particular student’s quest for a ride: Ben Dover to rides
We go to Whitman, so we must be smart. Still, we do a lot of dumb shit. For instance, does drinking the night before you have every one of your classes stop you? No? Me neither.
2 days ago
I’m starting to get desperate here. No one has e-mailed me back, and I’m sort of beginning to believe that you Whitties are all heartless bastards. I am losing sight of my pussy bourgeois ideals. Do you want to pervert my belief system like that, you heartless bastards!?! Please, help a brotha out! Peace, Big Beezy
Ben Dover to rides
8 hours ago
WHY IS NO ONE ANSWERING MY EMAILSSSSSSSS?!!! I NEED A RIDE PRONTO. I AM STARTING TO REGRET COMING TO THIS SCHOOL, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!! I KNOW YOU HAVE CARS. I’M OFFERING YOU CASH MONEY LIKE THE RIDE PROSTITUTES YOU ARE, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE COMMON-WHORE FUCKING COURTESY TO RESPOND. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. I’M GOING TO MISS THE NICKELBACK CONCERT THIS SATURDAY. SLUTABEES! IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU SHOULD LOVE, IT IS NICKEELBACK, YOU NIGHTWALKING PIECES OF SHIT. IF I DON’T GET A RIDE I WILL PERSONALLY SLEEP WITH ALL OF YOUR MOTHERS, PEOPLE WITH CARS. I WILL STALK YOU AND SLEEP WITH YOUR MOTHERS!!!!! GET BACK TO ME WITH A RIDE AND I WILL RESCIND THIS THREAT (IN MOST CASES). Ben Dover
Ben Dover to rides
5 hours ago
I may have gone a little too far with that last e-mail. I’m serious about that ride, though. Let me know! Thanks, Benjamin ILLUSTRATION BY ALDEN
CROSSWORD Dear Followers, Crossword’s back! That is all. Love, The Slut formerly known as Adam 1
ACROSS 1. 2000 presidential candidate Buchanan 4. Pear, to Raquel 8. Partaker in recreational drugs 6
12. Ag or nub suffix 13. Oil trade org. 14. “Julie & Julia” director Ephron 15. Smallest Indian state 16. Monopoly delay? 18. Spring break option for the common good 20. Lowercase sigma in the African alphabet 21. Claim 24. Chilly He-Man enemy 27. Consumed 28. “Duh,” to Helga of “Hey, Arnold!” 29. Spring break option for the outdoorsy 33. Qty. 34. Tunisia capital? 35. Subjective news pg. 36. Cottage, to Andres 38. “Ceci n’est _____ une pipe.” 40. Spring break option for the burnt out 45. Dressed to kill 47. “We _____ do it!” 48. Stench 49. Parks of the Civil Rights Movement 50. Lost biblical vessel 51. Sexy, in netspeak 52. Mystic 53. Thing to do in Aspen DOWN 1. Bay of _____, Cuba 2. _____ vera
3. Rip 4. City, to Archimedes 5. Reference date 6. Made, to Giacomo 7. Product of vinegar and baking soda: Sodium _____ 8. Up to a given time 9. Pimped out, as a ride 10. Go astray 11. Bolted 17. “King of the Hill” locale 19. Active word? 22. Author Vidal 23. Gazed at 24. Apple desktop 25. State of unconsciousness 26. Takes a bite of humble pie 27. Pennsylvania or Pacific in Monopoly, e.g. 30. Loft 31. The people 8-Across get their stuff from 32. Daniel of Comedy Central 37. “Everything aches!” 38. Gamer’s repose? 39. Neither discounted nor overpriced 41. Bayou state’s org. for learning 42. Andean tubers 43. Most terse evangelist 44. Sumerian god of crafts and creation 45. _____ CAH TOA 46. Making out on a street corner, e.g.
tweet of the week
kanyewest Kanye West
I just zoned on how ill it is to really fall in love ... Pimpin’ is whatev ... Love is that shit! ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLE 1. JALOPY 2. PRICED 3. BLOATS 4. NEARLY
5. DRAINS 6. HERALD 7. ABOUND 8. SLOUGH
Q: What do you call a nosy pepper? A: JALAPENO BUSINESS
The backpage from the seventh issue of Spring 2011