Whitman Pioneer Spring 2013 Issue 8

pg. Kenneth Parcell

Guest lecture forgotten by attendees in record amount of time.

Sports

This week on web

pg. 666 BAHOMET ARISE

Absolutely nothing happens to anyone ever again, on the web at www.whitmanmissionary.com

Administration to combine BFFC and Sherwood into Narcissa Whitman Center for Obsessing Over Physical Appearances

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News

JOKES! | Time is a construct | Whitman news not a real thing

BREAKING DOWN THE FLOOR POLICE INACTION LEADS TO DESTRUCTIon OF THE CONDEMNED HOUSE T

by EVELYN LEVINE Party Survivor

he Walla Walla Police Department decided to implement a new strategy with the parties at Condemned: Do nothing.

“Because parties are nearly every weekend, we thought to try to let the party manage itself this time. Even students get tired eventually, and maybe the draw of the party would lessen if it was completely available,” said Chief of Police Bott Scieber.

The non-themed party started on Saturday, March 23. This Is a Cake Cover Band played. The floor slumped underneath the weight of all the people, no doubt breaking fire code as usual.

Smoke began to fill the hallways, and partygoers say that by one a.m. the visibility was around five feet, maybe six. Later, the house was still packed and the party could be heard from Anderson Hall.

By two a.m. This Is a Kinks Cover Band was playing.

Partygoers arrived with one coat and left with another. According to one partygoer, it became so routine that a homemade “Leave a coat; take a coat” sign was written on a piece of notebook paper and taped up by the coat pile.

The inside of Condemned was littered with empty cans of PBR and Natty Light and a few Old English 40s. The lawn was strewn with cigarette butts and the empty boxes of American Spirits they originated from.

Guests arrived wearing face paint, neon, tails and cat t-

Bridges ditches fundraising campaign, builds pancake empire

by KEENAN HILTON Friend of Kel

“M

y idea was simple.

It got at the heart of things,” Bridges explained earnestly. “Most people make plans for the future. The true genius of this campaign was that I identified now as the time frame,” he said.

Recently, however, a cloud of confusion has descended upon campus. Students have begun plastering “Now is the Time” stickers on their computers, binders and water bottles. One student was even so audacious as to put a sticker on a paper towel dispenser in Olin. At first glance, it seems as if students are merely taking part in achieving administrative goals, but a closer look reveals that these stickers are not at all related to the financial campaign.

The stickers depict a gas can draping our Mother Earth with an opaque shroud of oil. They were designed by a secretive activist group on campus known only as “the CCC.” Given my prestige as a reporter for the Pioneer, I was able to score an interview with sophomore Colleen Smythe, the self-described “Ra’s al Ghul” of the Whitman divestment campaign. She described the group’s aim to divert the college’s investments from fossil fuel companies and their supporters to more sustainable options.

“We thought that [our use of the “Now is the Time” slogan] would give old man Bridges something to furrow his brow over,” Smythe said. “Consider it a challenge ... our administration is steering the college against the tides of history. Unless they change their tune, I may very well begin publicly referring to Bridges and his cohorts as mere suits, snoots, squares and phonies!”

When asked for his opinion of the stickers, Bridges gave me a puzzled look. When I handed him a sticker his eyes went wide. “Whoever these stickermakers are, they’ve been caught red-handed,” said Bridges, his eyes still wide. “I thought of the slogan first. And I have proof.”

His eyes grew wider still.

“It’s troubling and confounding that [the sticker-makers] didn’t notice the flags all over campus.

I definitely had the idea first. Put that in the paper!” Bridges stood, threw the sticker to the ground

and waved his arms frantically.

“People of Whitman, students and stoats alike, pay no attention to the stickers!”

The CCC’s protest has run into challenges. Whitman’s investments are controlled by over 50 managers, and the administration does not hold the reins tightly.

“I’m just a man!” insisted Bridges. “The managers are more than that. They’re investment professionals ... They probably studied economics!”

Critics of the Divestment Campaign often point to the fact that there are very few investments that make it rain quite like fossil fuels.

“They rightly raise concerns about where investments will be diverted,” admitted Smythe. “The college has a unique opportunity to combat climate change, though. This is a critical time for the college, for the country, for our species. We co-opted the phrase ‘Now is the Time,’ and we mean it, by golly!”

When I asked Peter Harvey, Whitman’s treasurer and chief financial officer, about the college’s investments as related to our changing climate, he clearly misunderstood the question.

“We in Memorial are letting out a huge sigh of relief,” said Harvey expressively. “The crash of 2008 really gave us a scare, but the investment climate has really been improving lately. We’re pleased as punch,” Harvey beamed.

As I clarified what CCCers meant by climate change, Harvey became preoccupied, checking his watch and giving a slapstick double-take. He began packing up his things.

“Excuse me, I need to slip into my lilac zoot and get down to the fairgrounds!” Harvey said with a conspicuous wink.

“That’s on record.” He winked again for good measure and left.

At the end of the day, confusion abounds over the “Now is the Time” campaigns.

“We at CCC HQ have worked tirelessly to engage the administration, the trustees, the finance committee and the student body,” panted Smythe. “The League of Shadows ... erm, I mean the CCC, is committed. The college as an institution will have to take a stand one way or the other.”

“Someday I’ll own a branch of the International House of Pancakes,” concluded Bridges.

shirts while carrying strange pipes and unrecognizable musical instruments.

Witnesses say it was like Burning Man, but with much less faux fur.

This Is a Beatles Cover Band played as the sun rose. The party did not stop. By that time the floor had actually broken in some places, exposing the basement. Guests fell into the basement, and those without injuries continued the party there.

Finally the cops came.

“We admit it was the wrong move. However, we will not apologize for our attempt. At that point the party was an actual safety hazard, and it is our duty to protect the citizens of this fine city,” said Scieber.

Neighbors claim the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore played a total of 35 times, approximately once per hour. Some say the house was actually emitting smoke from cracks in the wood paneling, and when the doors opened, a cloud would follow.

“The herb could be smelled from two blocks away,” said neighbor Rudolph Davenport.

It is not likely that Condemned will be hosting any parties in the near future, since the house currently has no floor. In fact, the repair bill has now overtaken the value of the house itself.

Residents of Condemned say they will start taking up a collection to fund the house’s construction needs. If you feel compelled to donate, any member of the house will gladly receive your contribution. If the funding fails to collect the money needed, Condemned will be no more.

B. MIXWELL teaches movements of love

by ADAM BRAYTON Madam Braze-on

I “I mean, I don’t want to know why they’re just so shrivelly and hairy and sometimes lopsided and sweaty and gross. I don’t think that’s a crime.”

Sophomore girl

n the new title-taking wave that is sweeping campus campaigns and organizations, there is a new player that hopes to re-imagine itself in a way that another campaign has already imagined itself: the Green Dot Program.

Sexual Misconduct Coordinator Barbarella Mixwell announced on Tuesday, March 26 that the Green Dot Program would no longer be called as such at the start of the 2013-2014 academic year.

Instead, it will adopt the name of the campaign to promote civil rights education in local elementary schools: Whitman Teaches the Movement.

“Instead of having the ambiguous title of ‘Green Dot,’ which takes a lengthy explanation of why green dots have anything to do with sexual misconduct, we’re going for something more visceral entirely,” said Mixwell. “Under the new banner of ‘Whitman Teaches the Movement,’ we want to promote safe sex by making sure people know how the sex ‘moves’ actually work.”

Over spring break, a joint effort was made by members of the Pioneer’s Sexual Misconduct Article Writing Squad (which actually just means Rachel Alexander) and Mixwell to produce a 120-student survey that was totally representative of the views and ideas of the entire student body. The results were staggering: Instead of pointing toward sexual malignancy, it mostly hinted at complete sexual ignorance.

“Wait, the clitoris is a sex thing?” said one junior male in response to one of the survey questions. “I was convinced that it was just one of the characters from that one Shakespeare play. Or maybe that was Cleopatra. I can’t remember.”

Another student’s views on sex and women seemed entirely founded on male comedy routines and YouTube videos.

“I like women. I like the concept of a woman. I like to take that concept and re-

duce it to an object. I like to take those objects and put ‘em in my videos and have them shake they jiggly bits so they looks like hoes,” said one male first-year who was clearly quoting the satirical rap song “Fuck Shit Stack” by comedian-musician Reggie Watts with utmost seriousness.

This trend seems to take root mostly on the male end of campus. The women in the survey seemed to have it all mostly together, except for things they probably just didn’t want to know about balls.

“I mean, I don’t want to know why they’re just so shrivelly and hairy and sometimes lopsided and sweaty and gross. I don’t think that’s a crime,” said one sophomore female in the survey. This sentiment was echoed 27 times.

In this new “Whitman Teaches the Movement” campaign, Mixwell plans on combatting the sexual ignorance that leads to sexual misconduct by using the awe-inspiring power of metaphor.

“Imagine a baby who has one of those toys where certain shaped blocks go into certain slots,” said Mixwell.

“The stupid, uninformed baby will try to put the triangle block into the square slot, and no matter how hard it tries it just isn’t going to work as the baby planned.”

This contrasts with the figure she called the “smart baby.”

“The smart baby will take the care and finesse of taking the crescent block and gently and slowly pushing it into the correct crescent-shaped slot, which is rewarding for everyone.”

When asked why she chose babies, Mixwell tied the metaphor back to the image of movement.

“Babies spend two years trying to master basic human locomotion. I want to inspire students to take the same amount of time and effort to learning a completely different movement: the movements of romance and sexual intercourse,” she said. see SEXY TIMES, page 2

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17% too drunk for surveys

by Lachlan Johnson News Section Puppy

W

hitman’s annual student lifestyle survey has revealed that 17 percent of students have too many drinks on the average weekend to fill out the questionnaire.

Administered by the Whitman Office of Propaganda in Penrose Library between 11 p.m. and midnight last Friday, March 22, the lifestyle survey is used by the college to gather statistics for admissions pamphlets and motivational posters. This year’s results showed that on the average weekend, 30 percent of students have no drinks, 30 percent have one to three drinks, 23 percent have four to five drinks and 17 percent simply cease to exist.

“I can’t really remember much from that night other than that I had 14 shots of vodka in my room. I was planning on tak-

ing the survey on my way to the frats, but I woke up in the morning floating in Lakum Duckum,” said first-year Handrew Mildman. “I thought I just hadn’t made it to the library. I’d never have guessed I actually disappeared!”

Since his metaphysical experience, Mildman has embraced his non-being and vowed to experiment with recreating the phenomenon several times a week.

However, other students have found it more difficult to come to terms with their condition.

The student health center has become overrun with students experiencing existential crises and failures of confidence because they’re struggling to come to terms with the survey’s results.

“Surveys are hard. All the words kept moving, it wasn’t fair.

Now no one will like me because I didn’t take the survey. They’re all going to judge me for this.

You’re judging right now, aren’t

Well, that happened.

A drawn-out and overdue apology for the things we really regret.

T

he Pioneer regrets that, after a weekend-long convention focused on the importance of social media and breaking news, the Associated Collegiate Press failed to publish a list of award winners until Tuesday morning after the convention, thus making the entire staff wait with anticipation to confirm that we won more trophies.

The Pioneer also regrets the amount of time it takes the Associated Collegiate Press to mail your trophies to you if you’re unable to stay for the convention awards ceremony. Just because we live in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean we don’t need trophies for secret transfer-ofpower rituals involving tequila.

Editor-in-Chief Rachel Alexander regrets that, due to her conflicted loyalties, this year was the first in four years in which The Pioneer did not have school bond election results online before the Walla Walla Union-Bulletin. She does not regret the fact that her job at the Union-Bulletin pays an hourly wage.

Rachel also regrets that vehicles owned by members of The Pioneer’s staff appear to be incapable of going on a trip without breaking down.

Sports Editor Tristan Gavin regrets that, in spite of his charming smile, his headshot and bio on the staff page of the Pio’s website has yet to garner him a single date.

Web Editor Blair Hanley Frank regrets the continued popularity of the “Take it Slow While Dating Chinese Girls” column among the Pio website’s traffic from Google, as it keeps bumping current issue articles out of the popular posts list.

Backpage Editor Kyle Seasly and photographer Faith Bernstein regret the editorial decision not to publish the entirety of junior Molly Simonson’s naked ass on the Backpage for the “Top 5 Places to Poop on Cam-

pus” article. Rachel regrets being such a killjoy, though she maintains that the angry emails would not have been worth it. Probably.

News Editor Karah Kemmerly regrets that she has lost her wit.

More specifically, she regrets that she has been usurped by the likes of Web Editor Blair Hanley Frank on the Pioneer staff quote board.

Sex columnist Spencer Wharton regrets applying to the single position most likely to look suspicious when dating the editor-in-chief.

Web Content Editor Shelly Le regrets that editing Spencer’s Sexcetera column has opened a new world for her.

ASWC President Kayvon Behroozian regrets consuming one of Rachel’s chocolate chip cookies that one time she brought them to the Phi house over the summer, as they have now become an all-consuming obsession in his life, and she still won’t give him the recipe.

The Pioneer’s production and editorial staff regrets that Production Manager Sean McNulty’s music would be better suited to accompany the birth of a whale than to inspire staff productivity on production night.

The Pioneer’s editorial and production staff regret that our list of regrets is compromised by the lack of inside jokes on staff this year. They do not regret that finishing production before midnight every week this semester has resulted in less time to create inside jokes.

Rachel and News Editor Emily Lin-Jones regret that it took Whitman’s Department of Communications over a month to publish the fact that they won national college journalism awards.

They do not regret writing about the problems with Whitman’s approach to racial diversity or its handling of sexual assault cases, even if said articles portrayed the college in a less-than-flattering light.

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Missionary

IN CHARGE OF SHIT “Real” Journalist Rachel Alexander Managing Editor Nope.

Perpetually Exasperated Emily Lin-Jones Karah Kemmerly US Weekly Aleida Fernandez Baller Tristan “Still Single” Gavin Master Cylinder Adam Brayton Lazy Argumentation Alex “Is This Meeting Mandatory?” Brott Hahahahahaha Kyle Seasly Turtle Mama Marie von Hafften Sunshine Julie Peterson

SORCERERS Dissonant Noise Jam Apologist Sean McNulty Design Dames Callan Carow, Maddison Coons, Molly Johansen, Madison Munn, Annie Robison Professional Stalker Marisa “We Don’t Just Look at Grammar!” Ikert Paid to Use Creeple Search Katie Steen, Matthew Nelson, Chloe Kaplan

BAD SCANNING Toby Alden, Katie Emory, Luke Hampton, Emily Jones, Kelsey Lund, Asa Mease, Marlee Raible, Tyler Schuh, Eduardo Vazquez

SNAPPING TURTLES cade beck, Catie Bergman, Devika Doowa, Brennan Johnson, Susie Krikava Halley McCormick, Becca Mellema, Marlena Sloss, Skye Vander Laan

you?” said junior Jane Doe. “Do I exist right now? Am I a Whitman student? I don’t feel comfortable at this school anymore. They made it clear that I’m not wanted.”

While the Whitman administration denies that students who do not exist are unwanted, several changes to campus have been made to ensure Whitman is the best it can be. On the morning before the survey, students in Jewett Hall were confused by the presence of a brick wall on the staircase between the first and third floors. While some residents mistakenly claimed that there used to be another floor between the first and the third, senior resident Lian Brewis assured them they were mistaken.

“It was a strange decision for the architects to make,” said Brewis. “But I think if you look through Whitman’s records, you’ll find that there is not, nor has there ever been, a second

floor to Jewett. Any screams or cries for help are simply the building settling in its foundations, and should be ignored.”

Other recent improvements to campus include the installation of new razor-wired fences around the fraternities to ensure greater privacy and protection and the addition of a oneway field trip to Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland as part of the curriculum of alcohol awareness classes mandated to students who have to go to the health center due to alcohol poisoning.

“What we’re doing is best for everyone. By making Whitman more appealing, we will receive more applications and can be more selective with admissions, until we have crafted the perfect student body,” said Propaganda Chairman Truth Lordwell.

“When Whitman benefits, we all benefit. We should all do our part to help make this college great.”

Look! Article talks about sex things from SEXY TIMES, page 1

She then began personifying the blocks and slots as males and females through the symbolism of penes (yes, folks, that’s the proper Latin plural form of penis) and vaginas.

“When a man tries too hard to put his block into a woman’s slot, the result is aggressive behavior of the man on a quest to fulfill his sexual desires. Even if it is the wrong slot, he can keep forcing the block, which can leave the slot and woman feeling hurt, or even worse, broken and scarred for life.”

And then Mixwell drove the nail in the coffin as she finished off the lecture with a clear message of shame.

“I mean, come on. If a 15-monthold baby can figure this shit out, why can’t a group of college students?

Get your shit together. You’re at fucking Whitman College,” she said.

Senior sociology major Catherine Mattress, who has spent her final year at Whitman studying the efficacies of different approaches to college sex education and sexual conduct programs, backs this measure for change wholeheartedly.

“I think the time is right for change, and we need to take the imagery back to its core: the ‘movement’ itself,” she said.

Mattress, whose last name partly inspired her work on sexual conduct, especially agreed with the apt baby and block-slot metaphor, which she believes drunk

college students can relate to.

“Babies and drunk college students are a lot alike: They babble a lot, they stumble when they try to walk, they make weird gyrating motions and they puke all over themselves,” she said. “Hopefully, the baby will be something that drunk students can truly relate to instead of colored dots on a map.”

The general public seems to be behind the sea-change that will go into full force this fall. Especially closeted virgins.

“I could stand to learn about how the movement of sex works with this new program,” said now-uncloseted virgin senior Buster Hyman. “That way down the road I won’t attempt to drunkenly have my way with a woman because of my own sexual insecurities which are rooted in my lack of knowledge and experience.”

Still, there will be great lament over the loss of the Green Dot Program, but mostly because now there won’t be any more context to green dot and red dot jokes in male first-year sections.

“It would always be funny when one guy would jokingly grope another guy’s pecs and someone in the room would be like ‘red dot!’” said senior math major Mike Hawk. “Those were good times. Without those jokes, though, I might not have even remembered the [Green Dot Program] at all.”

If first-year sex jokes are the legacy of the Green Dot Program, then

maybe the name change is the right thing to do. Even if it was stolen, it was stolen for the sake of safe sex. ***“Whitman Teaches the Movement” was unavailable for comment, because they are very busy assessing their options as to what name they are going to filch from another campaign.

SHIT ASWC DID Ratified Poppin’ Pumpkins, Whitman’s premier underwater pumpkin smashing club Ratified Dovateam, a competitive Skyrim team Approved request of $5,000,000 to fill the Dread Pirate Roberts’ coffers Motioned to keep constituents informed about proceedings by tweeting inside jokes using a minimum of three hashtags per tweet Motioned to vote by acclamation to table a return to previous question on an amendment to a resolution to amend bylaws to regulate President Kayvon Behroozian’s parliamentary procedure fetish

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Sam Chapman, Blair Hanley Frank, Gladys Gitau, Daniel Merritt, Sayda Morales, Natalie Stevens, Spencer Wharton

SRSLY JOURNALISTS Evelyn Levine, Tristan Gavin, Zach Gordy, Tabor Martinsen, Matt Raymond

Builds Shit Ben Schaefer Fixes Shit Blair Hanley Frank Talks Shit About Shit Shelly Le

PUSHERS

Lady Hannah Bauer Tramps Helen Brooks, Sarah Debs, Evie Vermeer For information about advertising in The Missionary or to purchase a subscription please send your money in an unmarked envelope to Sean McNulty’s campus mailbox. Cash only.

EDITORIAL POLICY

The Whitman College Missonary is a yearly student-run newspaper published when we’re tired of doing interviews and sending quote check emails and just want to relax and eat some Cheez-Its. We are marginally aware of the Associated Students of Whitman College. The purpose of The Missonary is to eat cookies, sit around in our beautiful office, listen to dissonant noise jams whether we appreciate them or not, annoy faculty, mislead parents, misquote staff, and confuse the Walla Walla community. The Missonary is dedicated to stifling open dialogue with hastily-written articles and overwrought headlines.

None of you would ever believe how much Rachel talks about her shits if we told you. Because none of us know what we’re doing, we’re “learning.” This absolves us from any and every mistake.

SUBMISSION POLICY

If you have opinions, why aren’t your writing for us already? We will hire literally anyone. Seriously. Anyone, regardless of their literacy level or chronic mendacity, is encouraged to apply.

CODE OF ETHICS

#include <stdio.h> #include <policy.h> int main(){ if(issue_title == !jack_issue) printf(“We’re hella ethical, yo. \n”); else printf(“What ethics, lolololololololol? \n”); while(1) printf(“Also, infinite loops.\n”); } return 0;

The

MAR

28 2013

Pretense&Nathan’sReviews 3 Conformity is the new black

PAGE

by aleida and julie

Editors Turned Begrudging Writers

S

o you say you’re a Whitman student. You are a diverse student who’s athletic and smart; you probably want to change the world.

But as diverse as you are, you’ve probably noticed there’s an uncannily similar student here ... Want to fit in? Follow our eight fashion tips: 1. Afraid your pants won’t match the rest of your outfit? Try yoga pants!

They go with all occasions—class, gym, dinner, everywhere! (But not the extra sheer ones from Lululemon...)

2. Need shoes that can work on campus and in the Whitman student’s natural habitat (i.e. the wilderness)?

Pick out at least one pair of Keens, Chacos or Birkenstocks. That way, everyone can tell that you love the environment and go on a bunch of OP trips.

3. You ought to own at least three flannel shirts—minimum—because in a past life you were a lumberjack.

So was your roommate. And your best friend.

4. It’s April and sunny out, but your core is still feeling cold. Wear your REI puffy jacket or vest. We cannot stress how important it is to keep your core warm at ALL times. No exceptions.

5. Grow a beard. Forget to shave your legs. Who needs a shower... for the last three weeks? You should look like you were raised in the mountains and you’re proud, dammit! The fact that you’re actually from Seattle or Portland bears no importance.

6. Embrace how anti-establishment you are and make sure to upgrade your wardrobe with random shit from Goodwill. See that shirt with a wolf or a cat? Buy it. Don’t forget to cover up with a Patagonia or North Face jacket—hey, Goodwill doesn’t sell the warmest clothes!

7. You have a cupboard full of cups but you still don’t know what to drink out of? Choose the mason jar.

It shows how seriously you take the slogan, “reduce, reuse, recycle” and shows how callused your rock climbing, mountain man paws are. Those jars be hot!

8. Not feeling the Mountain Man look? Grab your skinniest colored jeans, a cardigan and your RayBans and call it a day. Because being a mainstream Whittie is so uncool.

Photos BY Von HafFen & villaSeñor

(Not) eating bin food: A how-to guide

by Karah Kemmerly Dour German Major

T

he well-meaning staff of Residence Life would like you to believe that members of the IHC are held together by their common interests, but this is false. IHC camaraderie is built around the strong bonds that can only exist among a group of people who have spent a year of their lives eating dinner out of two large plastic bins.

Dear readers, I know you might be skeptical. What about the French House? Don’t they all, like, speak French at dinner? That’s a bond, right?

Kind of. Sure. But almost everyone in France also speaks French, and I promise that they would never eat field roast de-

livered to them in a Ziploc bag. That’s for IHCers only.

As an alumna of this cuisinerelated bond, I know how you’re all feeling, dear readers. You’re probably a little tired of forgetting what you’ve ordered by the time you get dinner a week later, maybe a little passive-aggressive about the fact that you always seem to be the one to take the bins back to Prentiss and certainly a little fed up with this food.

Good news: If you’re looking for a break from the bins, here’s a guide to help you find alternative solutions to your dinner problem.

1. Create art.

Have you always wanted to be an artist? (Don’t be embarrassed if the answer is yes.

I spent pretty much my entire

junior year of high school writing poetry in front of my locker and wearing long black sweaters, and I totally understand that sometimes your feelings can only be expressed via Instagram photos.) If yes, you’re in luck. Bin food is a little-known but nonetheless excellent new medium for self-expression.

Try making sculptures out of mystery vegetable mixes or using soup as paint. Does someone have a birthday soon?

Give your creations as gifts.

Or you could always submit them to blue moon and quarterlife. I guarantee that the staffs of literary magazines love looking at photographs of food art.

2. Pull some zany pranks.

There is no better way to

show your new IHC pals that you’re barrels of fun than with a well-executed prank. Try moving all the bin leftovers to his or her section of the fridge. Or even try an alternative to the prank in which you surround someone’s door with full glasses, and surprise your housemate with a walkway full of baked potatoes. What a riot you’ll be!

If you’re feeling especially mischievous, you could also just order 100 servings of Cocoa Puffs. Then even the Bon App employees will be impressed by your humor and free-spiritedness.

Each player must pick up one of the white containers in the bin, observe its contents for 10 seconds and then guess which of his or her housemates selected this delectable dish from the menu a week prior. If you guess correctly, you’re off the hook. If you guess incorrectly, you have to eat whatever is in the container.

Psh, too easy, you might be thinking. But not so fast, dear readers. Bon App has a trick up its sleeve to make this game more challenging: Inside several of these containers is food that no one at the table actually ordered.

3. Have a family game night.

Your bin food provides you the perfect opportunity to play a rousing round of “Who Ordered This?” The rules are simple.

So, dear readers, next time you hear that familiar doorbell ring, don’t groan. Think of the possibilities that await you in those plastic bins.

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28 DUMB JOCKS Missionary sports: swimsuit edition MAR

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2013

(above) Is that a bunch of guys standing in the windows of Olin, or are you excited to see me? Nothing says sports like some people who don’t necessarily play sports not wearing clothes. Photo by a poor staff photgrapher assigned to this project. Sorry.

(above) Are those concentric circles planetary orbits? I’m no astronomer but I could gaze at these stars all night. Photo by Did you get that I meant the guys are the stars?

What are you running from?

by Tristan gavin @FlightTristan

W

hile most varsity athletes spend the offseason preparing for the next year, things are a bit different for senior Tyler Mejosnik. Mejosnik was a member of the cross-country team for each of his four years at Whitman, and doesn’t really know what to do with himself now that it’s over.

While most of his teammates have been going through running workouts to prepare for the fall, Mejosnik has been trying his unathletic hands at more traditional sports.

“I’m not very good at hitting baseballs, shooting basketballs or throwing a goddamn Frisbee, but I am in pretty good shape,” Mejosnik confessed.

The decision to try traditional sports requiring coordination and fundamental fine tuning Mejosnik severely lacks came from a revelation he had while running along Mill Creek.

“Most athletes spend their time running to get in shape for their sports, but what have I been running for?” Mejosnik asked himself.

Mejosnik has been trying out sports to figure out if he has been subconsciously preparing himself for one of them for the past four years.

“I always assumed that our coach had some greater plan for

!

NEW

us. I didn’t question him when he punished us by making us stop running, but now I’m worried it was all a farce. There has to be more to what we have been doing than just getting really good at running,” he asserted.

Mejosnik, who is looking into medical school as part of his postgraduation plans, has become more and more uncertain about the applicability of all of his skills honed at Whitman since his revelation.

“I’ve always thought I was studying to one day get a job to apply the skills I learned. With four years of medical school and then residency ahead of me, it is starting to feel like I have been studying to just get good at studying. I can’t be a student my whole life, can I? How is Encounters going to help me when I graduate? The class, not the website. I have to apply these skills somehow,” said Mejosnik.

Presently, Mejosnik is frantically try to find an application for his cardiovascular endurance, but has not found it yet. Sports are difficult, Mejosnik has found, and getting in shape is only half of the battle.

“So far I have been pretty unsuccessful, but I remain optimistic.

If nothing else, it could make me a better runner. I mean, if running makes you better at playing basketball, playing basketball has to make you a better runner, right?”

(above) These boys are showing that they are more than scantily clad bodies. They are scantily clad bodies that can hold a book. That is kind of like sports, right? Photo by Seriously, Halley, I’m sorry you had to do this. You really got the short end of the...

Stick a bookmark in that hard cover and cover me with that hard, hard body. This Encounters class might have to find some compromise between Casual Friday and this. Photo by Can we get Halley a raise already? This can’t have been enjoyable, right?

Team NICOTINe: a winning habit

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by kyle “Kyle” seasly Staff Nerd

T

eam Nicotine is gearing up for the new season. Indeed, the smokers are preparing the for rigorous spring season.

One member is excited, but nervous.

“With spring arriving, you can really stay outside and smoke all night during parties. During the daytime on a sunny day is doable, too. We can go into full-time mode, instead of just going outside once in a while when it’s cold.”

The smoker went on to say that they might have to buy cartons in Oregon because cigarettes are so expensive in Washington.

“That’s what you have to do if you’re dedicated to the team. It’s part of the ritual.”

However, the varsity squad of Team Nicotine is dwindling, with rumors around campus of cancer and heart disease striking when you’re like 80.

“Who wants to be that old, anyway?” asked team captain Bill Sealess. “I think

iron lungs look pretty cool.”

Recruiting grounds have always been fertile, especially on the Beta porch and backyard. Some scouts have even reported some team members active at TKE, but many dismiss this as a rumor.

“Those guys don’t even eat carbs,” commented a Beta roasting a Turkish Royal.

Training usually revolves around a rigorous schedule.

“You get up and smoke ... between classes, definitely when you’re studying, and always if you’re drinking.

The most dedicated even go out during classes and come back smelling of flavor country,” said a team member.

Although varsity members are few in number, and can easily be identified by smell, the JV members are more elusive.

“They can be kind of annoying, just asking for drags and to bum cigarettes at parties, when they don’t buy their own. But hey! We’re a team,” commented Saul Mathmart.

“We’re looking to take all conference, but I don’t think we have a chance against U-Dub. Those guys smoke like chimneys, and not that eco-friendly liberal chimney neither,” commented the women’s team captain Stevie Natalies.

SHUT UP & LISTEN

MAR

28 2013

PAGE

5

POINT/COUNTER-POINT

VIRGINS: ARE THEY PEOPLE TOO? Missionary columnists weigh in on the debate

Life sans sex pointless

Virgins deserve our sympathy Spencer Wharton Sociology Major

SEXUAL PONTIFICATION

I

’m gonna be blunt: We’ve got to stop virgin-shaming.

There’s an unfortunate trend in our society to scorn virgins. If word gets out that you made it to voting age without ever touching another person’s genitals, you’re practically guaranteed a certain amount of derision.

“Virgin” is tossed around like a slur, as if there’s something inherently shameful about having never placed your naked junk in close proximity to someone else’s body.

We’re isolating and mocking a poor, misunderstood subset of our community, and that’s not okay. Virgins are people, too—people who deserve our pity, not our scorn.

It’s not like anyone’s a virgin by choice. Nobody in their right mind would pass up on the rich and rewarding experience of sex—especially sex at college.

That would mean opting out of the intricate, sensual and erotic dance of sharing a magical first kiss in a sweaty frat basement, awkwardly fumbling around in the dark on a tiny dorm bed, and ultimately sharing your body and sexuality with a selfish partner interested only in their own pleasure. What’s more, it would also be branding yourself a total prudish loser in the eyes of your peers.

Who would do that to themselves?

No, virgins aren’t sexless dweebs by choice; rather, they’re forced into their “involuntary celibacy” by forces beyond their control. For many virgins at Whitman, it’s because they weren’t granted the genetic gift of stunning good looks that the rest of us inherited. Instead, they’re genetically predisposed to be unattractive—ranging from “homely” to “plain-looking”—which is a well-

studied predictor for celibacy. The evidence is stark: People are either attractive or they’re not, and those who aren’t have very little chance of ever getting some, especially when they’re competing with normal beautiful people.

They’ve also been screwed— figuratively, not literally—because of a vicious asocial spiral. It’s nearly impossible to remain sexless if you’ve got a winning personality, so for many of these poor involuntary celibates, their lifelong dry spell was at first merely due to a minor flaw in their character. But involuntary celibacy means being informally barred from most social events, and without any friends, virgins’ minor social flaws become full-fledged social inability.

Is anyone surprised? Never having known the sensation of another’s intimate touch, many virgins find it difficult to engage with anyone socially and instead redirect their energies to work, confining themselves to their rooms, their study lounges or the library.

After all, how are you supposed to go to a sexual fantasy party if you don’t even know what sex is?

None of this is their fault, and yet we continue to hurl the word “virgin” like an insult, completely insensitive to the way it hurts the ugly, socially stunted involuntary celibates around us. They deserve a world where they aren’t slandered or unfairly ridiculed.

So let’s quit shaming people for things entirely out of their control. It’s the twenty-first century; we should all be able to accept that we live in a diverse society. Just because most of us are bumpin’ uglies at least once a week doesn’t change the fact that there are other poor sods who will never, ever get laid.

What’s more, all of us who have even a modicum of sex appeal owe a favor to the poor sexless virgins. Rather than mocking them, we should be trying to help them. Drag that socially inept dormmate out of their virgin cave and take them to a party. Introduce them to attractive people that they’d never have a chance with without your help, and see if you can’t use your charms to set them up. They’ll thank you for it later.

After all, virgins want sex just as much as normal people.

Kyle Seasly

Bitter Ex-Opinion Editor

GETTIN’ LAID

I

’m sick of hearing it around campus, “He’s cool ... I mean, she/he is a virgin.” These people are so uninformed. Obviously these kinds of ingrates do not realize that virgins are not people, people.

ing is, being a virgin is a sin.

Let’s state the facts of our modern day world: Masturbation is bad for you; that’s why you feel so guilty afterwards. Our Earth is underpopulated and needs more workers. The blonde gene is dying. Lingerie is sexy. If we take all of these into account, the modern male (or female) realizes that to be a human being, we must have sex.

Countless organizations (i.e. the Church) have rallied against sex. They may feed and clothe the poor, but they’re not out in the world doing the important work that everyday people must do, which is bang each others’ brains out.

If you’re still a virgin, then you’re obviously not super hot and probably don’t even have a Twit-

ILLUSTRATION BY PETERSON

If you have paid any attention to the Whitman Pioneer Website, any article mentioning boobs, sex or poop has always hit the top of the charts. Why? Because that is what our lives revolve around.

Darwin once said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If you’re not bangin’ mad ladies, then you be trifling.” One could even take his argument a step further and say that if you’re still a virgin in this day and age by the age of 12 or 13, you’re not doing your part to participate in society.

It is your duty and obligation to reproduce, and if you don’t ... you’re pretty evil. Yes folks, what I’m say-

ter (which is ludicrous). Because you’ve chosen a path different than most—and I’m going out a limb here, folks—you’re not a person.

Our culture revolves around sex, and if you don’t participate, that’s cultural (and sexual) suicide for our society. We must unite, and rid the earth of virgins ... forever. That’s why WEB is sponsoring a “cuddle muddle”—where we discuss how to get rid of virgins once and for all.

If you’re a virgin, you’re freeloading. You’re not doing your part to populate the earth. Last time I checked, growth is good, and the human race needs to keep populating in order to achieve.

Letter to the Editor Typewriters the next big thing This piece was so obtuse that it came across as nothing more than a writer learning that he or she can write the word “penis” in print and not get in trouble. Once taught that belief, one repeats it. I do not believe it. In fact, I believe quite the opposite.

If that was the choice of the people who participated with the reporter, fine. If it was not, it is not at all fine.

You, as an editor of The Pioneer, do not understand it as a publication that serves the Whitman community as a whole, but as an

organ devoted to the interests of its readership as defined by your understanding of the student body. It is not a newspaper. It is an advocacy publication presenting itself as a newspaper. Just like Fox News.

In short, we are disappointed and disgusted by your article.

The article and remaining papers should be recalled. Do remember that although journalistic dishonesty is not under the purview of the school, academic dishonesty is.

Cheers, the Whitman campus

Have an opinion to share?

We don’t really care. we just need to fill this awkward space

Blair MANLY Frank

Born-Again Luddite

SMARTER THAN THOU

I

’ve thrown out my laptop.

While I adored my MacBook Pro while it lasted, it’s time for me to move on. Sure, it has some amazing processing power, and I love the user experience, but let’s face it: Computers are too mainstream.

Today, instead of my usual computing device, I’m now using a manual typewriter from the 1960s. My instrument of choice is a Royal Safari, which, in addition to sounding like something a ruler of the British Empire would do, is also a real workhorse. Well, if all you need to do is type.

This may seem an unusual

Voices from Random Staff annie robinson

Gladys Gitau

Perpetually cheerful in spite of having Sean as a boss

Aware

“The Pio staff is too good-looking and they oppress everyone with their attractive privilege without even acknowledging it. I can’t.”

“Sean’s music.”

step for the technology columnist, but my foray into asceticism has one goal: to eliminate distractions. See, there’s no way for me to distract myself with multitasking when the machine I’m working at can do only one task.

My typewriter is a knight in shining armor, fending off distraction after distraction. Twitter and Facebook no longer hold any power over me. I laugh in the face of video games, because I don’t even have the capability to make vertical lines and play Tic-Tac-Toe. My productivity has gone through the roof.

I realize that it’s possible to think that I’m an overreacting hipster with self-control problems. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You see, it’s my firm belief that all this new tech is overwhelming us, and making it harder for us to work. We need to go back in order to move forward in a productive manner.

In addition, my time with a typewriter has given me a greater

connection with my writing. Even though I have to go through dozens of copies of the same essay just to make sure that I don’t make any typos, that tactile sensation of hitting keys in order to produce a printed letter is something you just can’t get anywhere else.

It gives my essays a great throwback look. Even if my professors end up frustrated with me because my margins are a bit off and my bibliographies are ... inconsistently designed at best, it doesn’t really matter, because my essay is going to be standing out from all the other Times New Roman clones.

Finally, there’s the matter of self-defense. When I was carrying a laptop, I was constantly concerned for its well-being. But now, I’m using a machine made of steel that has survived for decades, and what’s more, it makes for a great bludgeoning weapon. So please, tell me about how silly I am for using this typewriter. I dare you.

What do you hate most about The Pioneer?

Benjamin Schaefer

Liar who doesn’t go to production night anyway

“I hate that there aren’t always cookies at Production Night anymore. That’s 90% of the reason I applied last year.”

Katie steen Insubordinate

“Sometimes I wish we could talk about something OTHER than Rachel’s love of pooping and her ‘stomach dragon’ on production night.”

STROKING EGOS

PAGE

6

BaseballStarxxx69

MAR

28 2013

Actual ASWC Tweets

20 / M / Trisexual / Single/ 212.4 Pounds

Walla Walla, Washington

ASWC @GoASWC

3 Mar

chair stands corrected. everyone calm your tits #prezlife Expand

ASWC @GoASWC

3 Mar

we sent out an email...one person responded with a link to a porn site...and I opened it in the quiet room #jack #freshmendelegation Expand

ASWC @GoASWC

3 Mar

if you lose all your friends just remember you have me #friendsinhighplaces #kayvon

W

ondering if Pio Sports Editor Tristan Gavin is single? Tired of staring at him in class, wishing you could get up the nerve to talk to him? Well, look no further—The Pio has got you covered with our very own dating profile of the oh-so-dreamy sports editor. Not only is he single, but he also loves writing poetry, eating salads and taking long walks on the beach. Plus, his name sounds like he is either a famous country singer or he’s jumped straight from a romance novel—what’s not to love about Tristan Gavin?

Tristan hails from the sunny beaches of Santa Cruz, Calif.

At the ripe age of 20 and threequarters, the six-foot-one-andlittle-baby-inch sports editor of The Pio left his glamorous life as a collegiate baseball player in search of a writing career with The Pio. Though Tristan pulls long nights in the Pio office, his true passion lies in penning rhyming poetry while listening to the croons of singer/songwriter Taylor Swift.

According to Tristan, “People say poetry doesn’t need to rhyme, but all of Taylor Swift’s songs do, so I beg to differ.”

Besides his undying love for poetry and Taylor Swift, Tristan refuses to live without oxygen, air, food and, of course, aglets, the little plastic tips that keep shoelaces from fraying. Tristan is also a Bigfoot enthusiast; he hopes to one

day meet and search for Bigfoot with James “Bobo” Fay. Despite his easygoing nature, Tristan dislikes curly straws and when people make eye contact with him, about which he says, “It’s like, ‘Hello, my boobs are down here ...’” Although Tristan has remained fascinated with Bigfoot for years, he shudders at the thought of big feet.

According to Tristan, “They creep me out. Anything over size 12 and you should need a license.” Good thing Bobo hasn’t found Bigfoot yet.

On dates, Tristan loves to eat canned peaches (opened with his Swiss Army knife) and roasted marshmallows beside a crackling fire. Want to take Tristan out on a date to get Vietnamese Pho? Better think twice; Tristan hates Pho restaurants with puns in their names. As he says, “Ain’t nobody got time Pho that.”

Expand

ASWC @GoASWC

We’re live tweeting 2nite! And Kayvon isn’t wearing shoes....

Expand

ASWC @GoASWC Expand

ASWC @GoASWC Expand

ASWC @GoASWC Expand

Tabor’s

TOP 3

by Tristan Gavin Grrrrrl

T

abor Martinsen is a frequent writer for the Backpage known for outrageous lists and numerical rankings of silly concepts. To further thrust young Tabor into the humor spotlight, I have compiled a numbered list of his articles and joined in the Taboring fun!

Meh, I’ve done it Once or twice before

Does everyone on campus know who you are? how could they not?

no, but i like me some expressive brows

27 Jan

Our advances are incremental, but each step forward brings us closer to our goals

Do you like to invent iPhone Apps?

Yes, they have a personality of their own

27 Jan

Hi Ladies!!!!!!!!! #Kayvon #Senate

Start

Do you have eyebrows?

27 Jan

“Sam can you take note of that? Thanks.” #kthanxbye

Which Member of ASWC Are You?

Yes! There are so many more to be discovered!

10 Feb

1.

if they don’t, they Should!

Congratulations!

All the signs indicate that you are

kayvon

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TRISTAN

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2.

“Top 3 Overused Phrases at Whitman.” Top three things I learned from this article: 1) The Backpage puzzles are always cryptic. Thht’s si Whitte? Is this Spanish? Did someone misspell “white”? Is that racist? 2) Tabor has received way too many partially-used gift cards. Is that even a thing? And Flo Rida? How about a spoiler alert? 3) Someone please hang out with Tabor. 99 people didn’t.

3.

GAVIN

The Bridge MBA at Seattle University.

For more information, call (206) 296-5919 or email mbab@seattleu.edu

“5 Reasons Why Whitman is Turning into North Korea.” Five reasons I love this: 1) North Korea and Whitman are obviously NOT the same ... right? I mean, one’s a city-state in Eastern Europe and the other is a famous poet. 2) The dining hall food IS bad. Have you been reading my diary, Taby Baby? That would totally be him. 3) George Bridges isn’t a dictator, but if he were, Tabor would probably get decapitated. Edgy. Classic. 4) Conspiracy theories. I love them. Does Cordiner Hall even exist? Does anyone read this stuff? 5) Teletubbies reference. When was the last time you watched that show? With the baby as a sun. Babies aren’t stars—they are just babies, silly!

“The perfect combination of sexy and cute.”

-Ryan Gosling, 2011.

Crazy, Stupid, Love. contact Tristan: editors@ whitmanpioneer.com

“New Year’s Resolutions.”

My resolutions after reading it: 1) Find a way to incorporate Drake lyrics, Tebowing, Pinterest and jaywalking into every lede, regardless of the article. 2) Unimagine Tabor saying, “Oooh, that feels nice” at TSA checkpoints. 3) Help Tabor in his quest to get famous. You’re welcome for the publicity, bud. Anything to keep you from sleeping with John Mayer. 4) Wake Tabor up for class.

Is he really sleeping through all of his classes? Someone is paying a lot of money for this education.

Should we alert the Dean? 5) Make better resolutions than Tabor. “Start working on a plan”?!!! What’s your resolution for 2013 going to be, “Start planning to execute plan”?