FEB
14 2013
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Student who has watched a lot of Nelly’s music videos has skewed idea of Valentine’s Day
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or the small, inbreeding population of Whitman students who are in happy relationships, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for partners to celebrate each other and acknowledge their inherent superiority over the rest of the student population. For most other Whitman students, though, Valentine’s Day is only a consumer-supported reminder of their loneliness and disappointment with the conventions of Whitman’s “dating scene.” While committed Whitties make restaurant reservations and consider shaving various areas of their bodies, and single Whitties prepare to throw food and rocks at the few happy couples on cam-
pus, senior Pete Boroughs has his own unusual designs for Valentine’s Day this year. The parttime student and ultimate Frisbee player confessed that his longstanding obsession with the music of St. Louis R&B artist Nelly has recently returned to him. This renewed fascination with Nelly’s musical styling and videography could not have come at a more consequential time. “I’ve been watching a lot of Nelly’s music videos recently. In fact, last week was ‘Nelly Week.’ Usually I take some time to watch some rounds of Magic: the Gathering, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I need a Tip Drill this Valentine’s Day,” Boroughs said.
Nelly, an artist known for his dubious portrayals of women as much as his delightfully catchy music and misspelled song titles, was recently reported to have appeared in nearly every hip-hop music video from 2000-2006. When asked what he had planned for Valentine’s Day, Boroughs pointed to the obvious appeal of Nelly’s lifestyle. “This is what I always dreamed of as a 14-year-old,” Boroughs said, pulling up the music video to “Hot in Herre” on his computer. “I think it’s about time that this dream comes true.” On the screen, a slutty referee mimed taking her slutty referee shirt off, sweat
dripping from her jiggly bits. Nelly’s music videos invariably feature a cadre of muscular black men who roam around clubs in slow motion, hugging other muscular black men or stopping to objectify well-formed, scantilyclad women who seem hopelessly attracted to men with doo-rags and band-aids under their left eyes. Boroughs remembers how slighted he felt on Valentine’s Day in eighth grade, when an adoring girl gave him a box of chocolates and a really nice note: “No booty pops. No gold chains. No Air Force Ones. It was like she had no idea what Valentine’s Day was actually about.” When asked how he intend-
ed to prepare for this year’s Valentine’s Day, Boroughs cited a long list of items he would need: enormous football jerseys for him and his friends to wear backwards, headbands, $500 Air Jordans, somewhere between 35 and 40 bottles of Patron Tequila, bubble bath, a bathtub and lots of dollar bills. Much of this he figures to acquire from Jewett Hall’s games closet. “And of course, it ain’t no fun unless we all get some,” Boroughs concluded, swiping his Whitman ID card downwards in the air, as if one of many voluptuous, invisible women in his room would begin shaking her invisible apple booty in his face.
students Digest 14 Feb 2013 02:00:01 ---------- Forwarded message ---------From: WEB <WEB@whitman.edu> To: students@lists.whitman.edu Subject: Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle
To All Lonely Whitties,
Come join WEB to cuddle out the Valentine’s Day blues! WEB is hosting a cuddle puddle this Valentine’s Day to promote healthy touching, consent and care. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB) will take place in the Reid Campus Center Ballroom on Valentine’s Day. There will be cuddling, cinnamon roll hugs and snacks. Tickets will be available Monday-Thursday at lunch. Student ID is required for tickets. Only one ticket will be administered to each student.
ILLUSTRATION BY RAIBLE
5 Reasons why Whitman is turning into North Korea
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ike countless other Whitman students, I have stumbled upon some disturbingly similar connections between our college and our worst (but admittedly somewhat cute) enemies: the North Koreans. At first, it appears like nothing more than a coincidence, but all too quickly it is becoming quite clear that Whitman is slowly morphing into an isolated piece of land where we are all made to enjoy working 19-hour shifts at the physical plant and then given our dried fish ration for dinner and a combination of repressed emotions and quiet desperation for dessert. Yum! 1) The late Kim Jong Il and his successor Teletubby-son, Kim Jong Un, were born with abnormally large bowling ball heads, just like the leader of Whitman College ... George Bridges! 2) Whitman is constantly brainwashing students into thinking outrageous propaganda such as “Whitman is unpreten-
tious,” “Don’t worry! It’s sunny 300 days a year here” and ridiculous posters that make unsubstantiated claims like how “Only 31% of Whitties drink on the weekends,” etc., and the scary part is, just like our sad and ignorant North Korean citizens, we students are falling for everything that our oppressive administration is telling us! 3) Whitman is literally paying actors to attend school events and make us believe that there are other happy people outside of the campus. For instance, have you ever noticed how all of the people that attend a lecture or go to an event in Cordiner Hall seem too complacent and content? That’s because they are all alumni that have been misled into believing that the college has made them happy and they want to return in exchange for large amounts of our money that the administration is paying them to appear that way! 4) As the days, weeks, months and finally years go by, all of our
food starts to look and taste the same. We are unable to differentiate what good food used to taste like and are duped into believing that the dining halls and Reid Campus Center are providing healthy, yummy “options.” The effect is similar to that of when you walk into a room that smells like a rotting banana, but after being forced to stay in the room for two years, not only have you become used to the smell, but also fail to recall any smell other than the one in the room (i.e. Bon Appétit “food”). 5) Groups of students that are invited to the President’s (read: Dictator’s) house are not allowed to speak of what happened and oftentimes can’t remember what happened. They normally brush the subject off with an “Oh, you know, it was nothing but a thing.” These are outdated phrases only a Marxist nation/college would use because we are too far behind the pop cultures of the developing worlds!
The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—WEB schmeb) reminds students to dress and act appropriately to ensure the best of times. Keep in mind that certain clothes can be difficult to cuddle in: Dresses, skirts, shorts and kilts can ride up, and some clothes may be too constricting. WEB suggests that for health and safety reasons, students bathe before and after attending the event. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—how’d you know?) will be monitored by security to keep contact levels where everyone is most comfortable. If you feel uncomfortable at any time, a guard will attend to you. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—no way!) will not tolerate rude and ill-judged behavior. WEB encourages all students to “ask before you grasp” because “a suggestion is not a question” and everyone knows consent is sexy. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (mother-fucking sponsored by fucking WEB) is for everyone. Invite your best friend, that person you just met in the library whom you’ve been staring at in the quiet room for the past three hours, that guy or gal on your IM dodgeball team, that cute server in Jewett Dining Hall or go alone and meet new people. Come try to make a record-breaking cinnamon roll hug, cuddle lake and some friends and possibly more...
<3 WEB (this event is sponsored by WEB)
Dubblebaby by Sam & Toby Alden
for more DUBBLEBABY go to http://dubblebaby.blogspot.com/