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8 TKE puts staff of Pioneer on probation T es f Atrociti Oct

06 2011

he Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) fraternity has placed The Pioneer on probation for questionable goings-on during the infamous Pioneer Initiation Week, a representative said on Wednesday. “The initiation is really getting out of hand,” a junior TKE member declared in a subsequent press conference. “Someone has got to step in and put a stop to this insanity. Someone’s gotta step up and protect those poor little freshmen.” When asked to elaborate on the nature of the initiation rites in question, a sophomore replied, “I am not at liberty to expound these details; suffice to say TKE is ashamed of them.” When pressed, the sophomore finally produced the following list of near-deadly hazing techniques:

ioneer Le dger ofour printed copies of The oPrk

g and a sp -Consumin cha sauce ra Si t me) u b g in ttention to a y with noth a p , y ed to ing (sit, sta being forc d n a s -Cat train ie wedg g atomic it -Receivin t picking ay withou d le o of Gou da h t w u o go a shoes f o ir a p ll, Furry ga to the Sma -Fashionin m e th g in d wear a cheese an Walla Wall vention in n o C ” t g n n e Rod apalm Po hallenge unds of “N , Saltine C e -Three ro g n e ll a h amon C me time -The Cinn ll at the sa a y and n n u B by s, swirlies e li il w and Chub t e w nd sundry -Various a noogies

“They’re behaving like animals,” a TKE pledge said of upperclassmen on the Pio staff, who were conveniently unavailable for comment. “We at TKE decided to put a stop to it.” A first-year news writer did step forward, however, to offer his firsthand account of the hazing. “It was terrible,” he wailed. “They told us to write a 200-400 word article this week by a specific time. Then they said they’d post it for the whole school to see.” Showering tears of embarrassment and shame, he continued, “Then they said they’d repeat this again, and again and again, all year long. I don’t think I can take much more of this.” Various students claim that

ILLUSTRATION BY VAZQUEZ

the goings-on at The Pioneer

a five-year-old was asked to depict

In response to last week’s events,

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Wholesome group activities that are totally awesomer than any initiation practices

L

ooking for some fresh and creative ways to initiate your group? Consider these exciting options that not only catalyze bonding but also test the strengths of the individuals joining, creating some solid solidarity all up in that.

would

1. Going to a petting zoo Kickin it with all the llamas can sure facilitate some group bonding. Some may go so far to take a goat home. Mmm . . . can you say “chevre?”

4. Crocheting Together, folks can collectively improve on their cross-stitch abilities while making fun, toasty and snuggly garments in preparation for winter. What could be better?

2. Going to the Sausagefest The Sausagefest at De Sales emanates delicious smells, juicy tasty brats and meats of all varieties, and definitely is a feast fit for the Gods. The other kind of sausagefest

be

totes

unacceptable.

3. Completing a 1000-piece puzzle Aww yeah, working on a cognitive functioning, feel-good, self-esteemincreasing puzzle. Whattup, group dynamic!

5. Playing shuffleboard It’s always time to throw down for a showdown to see who can skill it up on the shuffleboard court. Tournament style, for the win.

6. Jump rope competition Taking it back to the elementary school gym status, one’s true skills are revealed by the consistency and tricks that one can pull off with the jump rope. With the power of friendship, everyone can learn to Double-Dutch!

and dudettes battle in an epic mealtime fashion. Spice it up by requiring the participants to use 13 kinds of spices in their dish, and to only give them six minutes! Experiences will be shared as participants writhe on the floor in absolute abdominal pain.

7. Painting ceramic pottery Okay, we all know everyone secretly loves going to those D.I.Y. paint-then-bake places. Let the group members express themselves by choosing a standard mug, or perhaps a decorative little animal to get some soul connections.

9. Cement laying This one is the test of strength and skill. See how many, if any, of your bonding team can resist making a footmark in the cement. That would be rude and unproductive.

8. Iron chef cook-off Let things get intense as dudes

10. Rolling around in a grass field with cuddly puppies. Does this one really need an explanation?

they would pass by the Pio office and, behind curtained windows, hear the cackles of Editor-inChief Patricia Vanderbilt and Humor Editor Adam Brayton. Brayton is known in seven states and three countries by his alias, “Puzzle Slut.” In Morocco he is on record as being named “Tits” and for having done some really bad stuff at a news organization in Marrakech. Investigations will continue as to the specifics of the goings-on in the Pioneer staff room this past week. Until then, TKE is going to keep a close eye on the paper. A TKE junior publicly made this solemn declaration, “We will scour every article of every page of every paper until we get to the bottom of this.”

Cry for help from Pioneer writer

I

n light of this week’s newspaper initiation, my boss asked me to write an article about my experience thus far so here it is. On the first day, Satan my boss Adam made me clean his dirty laundry helped me through a writing workshop. It was a horrible experience that made me contemplate the meaning of my life great experience that helped me learn to write well. Later I was forced to eat the soggy leftover newspapers from last week’s issue for my only meal of the day was given some big cheese pizza as a reward for working hard. The next morning started off with tyrannical Adam making me listen to four hours of Celine Dion as punishment for showing up two minutes late and me jamming to Wu-Tang Clan while working on how to choose a good topic for articles. The rest of the day my Nazi boss Adam locked me in the printing room closet and forgot about me gave me the freedom and time to see what kind of work I produced on my own. On day three, Adam told me to guess how many words there were in the last issue of The Pioneer and then made me count every single word to see if I was correct; the whole time Adam screamed arbitrary numbers and if I lost track, he pinched the soft part of my inner thigh, and made me start recounting again showed me how to edit my own articles. The final day of initiation was spent with the Fuhrer Adam showing me naked pictures of his two biggest Hollywood crushes; Rosie O’Donnell and Dolly Parton, and asking me to write an article about why they were so hot and me discussing why Cosmopolitan should have a men’s issue and what column we would write for it if we could. All and all, it was a horrific mistake an amazing time tHat I will nEver forget as Long as I write for The Pioneer newspaper at WhitMan collEge. -An oppressed first-year who is scared to reveal his identity.

Comic By Jung Song

Dear Whitman College Community, I would like to address some things in this missive that have come to my attention. The question has arisen as to whether or not I’ve been giving my writers “love taps” (lightly giving them a tap to the face with a kind-hearted fist) as a means of rewarding or reprimanding them for their good or bad work. I would like to assuage all fears by confirming this. I have been giving my writers love taps, because I love them so very, very dearly. I love tap them at staff meetings, passing by them on Ankeny, and in the classroom. The sound of them falling to the f loor (smitten) and wailing (screams of affection) is the sound of reciprocated feelings. So fear not! Love, Adam “Not like Marrakech at all” Brayton

Q: What is the difference between a whisk and the Puzzle Slut? A: A Whisk Doesn’t...

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Whitman College Pioneer Fall 2011 Issue 5 Backpage