12 BACKPAGE 8 The actual Whitman College campus map SEP
1. Olin Hall - Welcome to the land of always being early. Because the clocks are behind by about five minutes, it is possible to leave Jewett at 8:59 and arrive by 8:57.
7. Reid Campus Center That one building where you check your mail for packages your mom sent you, and sometimes eat the Taste Of (but only if it’s Italy). 8. Penrose Library - The place to be from 7-10 p.m. any weekday night. You can lay your books out, looking studious, while actually talking to your friends and compadres about anything besides the work you are supposed to be doing. L stands for loud. However, watch out for the quiet room, because if you even so much as chew your gum too loudly, a senior working on their thesis will give you the death glare.
2. Prentiss Hall - Could this dorm be any harder to navigate? Apparently it’s shaped like some sort of consonant, but it’s not entirely evident. The dining hall is disproportionately girly. Anderson boys, beware of the massive flocks of sorority girls. 3. The Science Building The upperclassmen entrance by Olin is utilized by those off-campus juniors and seniors, because it is rare that a first-year is willing to navigate the confusing biology room numbering. This building is also as cold as the last ice age you are probably learning about in your geology class.
9. Memorial Building - The ivory tower that is always undergoing some sort of construction or other. 10. Lakum Duckum - The scenic spot where you can see ducks flock all year long due to the heated water. What kind of decent college doesn’t have a hot tub for little duckies?!
4. Anderson Hall - Filled with SoBo pride. Who needs to cross Ankeny anyway? After all, the cozy Douglas-Anderson-Prentiss community is not worth leaving when any building north of Boyer is at least a 10-minute walk. 5. Jewett Hall - The place where some sort of shenanigan is always going on, whether it’s frat noise, homies chillin’ all throughout the hallway, people making up tunes on the piano or the occasional 5 a.m. fire alarm.
11. Maxey Hall - Both the best and worst place to have class; one can stare longingly out the window to view Ankeny Field and carefree Frolfers. But on a bad day you will want nothing more than to ditch your constitution class to enjoy the liberty of a fresh day outside.
6. Hunter Conservatory Walking into the double doors will transport you to Ancient Greece, or at least to the Washington D.C. buildings for which it gains its classic style.
12. The Amphitheatre - The only place on campus where it is not against the rules to be naked. Write that down in your planner for a place to go after the beer mile, freshmen. ILLUSTRATION BY SCHUH
Not enough activities at activities fair
he flurry of opening week activities and opportunities often leaves first-years completely overwhelmed. This year, however, one first-year was not impressed with the offerings. Dorphoebe Jones ‘17 spoke to The Pioneer about being greatly underwhelmed by the number of campus groups that were represented at the annual Activities Fair that took place last Monday on Cordiner Side Lawn. “I have too little to do!” complained Jones. “There are simply not enough clubs and interest groups on campus to keep me occupied. What am I going to do with all of my free time? At my old school, there were billions of activities and I was president of all of them.” However, Jones failed to mention that she was in fact homeschooled from kindergarten through 12th grade, and that
she was president of both the Dishwashing and Table Setting teams, neither of which made it to Nationals. On this point Jones declined to comment. “I signed up for every listserv. Now I get hundreds of emails every day and I feel like I belong. It’s great!” said fellow first-year Ralphy Ralphson. Another first-year, Arnold Smithson, stated that he also signed up for many campus activities, but now regrets his decision to do so. He commented that he feels so overwhelmed. “I cannot possibly commit to all of these things ... but I will anyways. I am no one if I don’t overcommit myself,” said Smithson. In response to all of this, Jones is looking to start a few of her own clubs on campus, including Clean Plate Club, Trashtakers, Recycling Sorting Committee and Floor Sweeping Club.
Want to get even more overcomitted? If anyone is interested in signing up for Floor Sweeping Club, please contact Dorphoebe Jones at: email@example.com
Whitman branches out to treebased energy source on campus
nstead of a triumphant ribboncutting ceremony catered with little cakes by Bon Appétit, the unveiling of Whitman’s expanded green energy system, Whitvironment tm, was conducted through a simple trial run to an excited audience of dozens this Monday. Jorge Watercrossing, Whitman’s president, demonstrated to the crowd the triumphant charging noise of his iPhone as he plugged it in to one of the trees between Olin Hall and the Science Building. “This is a proud day at Whitman College. A day when a group of student’s thoughts, actions and spray-painted signs actually resulted in real change has finally come,” said Watercrossing, giving a nod to the many members of Whitman’s environmental club and the three non-members that were present at the event. At the close of last semester, the environmental club finally celebrated victory as the Whitman Board of Trustees approved the proposal to divest from fossil fuels, and instead focused on alternative energy. Seth Beards ’13 initially came up with the winning source of alternative energy that pushed the Board of Trustee’s vote in their favor. “We just had to ex-
tend the great idea we already had to greater reaches of campus ” said Beards. Beards is referring, of course, to the electricity sockets located on the boulder outside of Olin. The power is sourced, not from traditional means, but from the actual spiritual energy of the rock. Beard’s creative solution to reformat the system to access the aura of trees on campus was pure ES-bio major genius. After the initial hang-up over the name conflicting with Whitman’s investment club, Whitvestment, Whitvironment tm was up and running. The project is piloting with five trees, but Beards states that they are hoping to expand to every tree on campus. “It’s so exciting to see the result of a whole semester’s worth of campaigning come to fruition. It was such a long, hard struggle,” said Hazel Greenleaf ’16, wearing a “Divest
This” t-shirt. “The best part about Whitvironment tm is just how visible it will make green energy on campus. Everyone will be studying in the grass and charging their computers at the same time.” Whitvestment is currently looking in to marketing Whitvironment tm to similar tree-covered campuses around the country.
ILLUSTRATION BY SCHUH
What kind of first-year are you? a quiz
1. It’s time to go ‘Storm The Field’ and you say: a. Let’s go storm that field! I’ll wear my Whitman shirt and a name tag so people remember who I am and know that I love Whitman already! b. Will there be food? c. Storming the field is an antiquated term associated with war and domination of another people, similar to how this school is named after missionaries. It is an inappropriate and antiquated custom representing submersion of minorities. Protest anyone? d. I’ll storm your field — if you know what I mean... e. Is it Thanksgiving break yet? 2. You’ve entered one of the dining halls for the first time, and: a. You introduce yourself to the person who swipes you in, wave, say hi and go talk to all
of your new friends around the dining hall. There’s hardly time to eat! b. You will have a bowl of every cereal alone, and then a bowl of all of the cereals combined — with cookies and soft serve. c. You ask the student serving you some vegetarian mush if the veggies were fair trade. d. You survey the available booty and wink liberally saying, “I’ll see you at the ‘80s dance...” e. Overwhelmed, you get some pasta and eat a few noodles, but mostly move them around your plate.
4. Convocation was ...
3. Complete this sentence: “TWO...
5. The name makes you feel:
a. WEST!” b. more pieces of pizza please.” c. heads are better than one.” d. at once, menage-a-trois...” e. months until I get to go home.”
a. Elated. b. A grumbling in your tummy. c. Ashamed of the way this country has treated native people. d. Horny. e. Scared.
a. Awesome! You loved seeing your whole class in one room, hearing about your class and hearing from George Bridges and others; the journey has begun! b. Okay, but you were disappointed there wasn’t any free food. c. Good, you think there should be more student body gatherings with faculty. d. Pretty good, but George Bridges — you don’t really want to tap that. e. Alright, even though you are pretty sure now that your admittance was a mistake. ‘Whitman’
Mostly A’s: Over-Enthusiastic First-Year
A future ASWC and A-Team member, you get a Green Dot shirt in the first week and wear it out of B. Max’s office.
Mostly B’s: Stoned First-Year
It was between Washington and Colorado. You are stoned — or very hungry.
Mostly C’s: Politically Correct First-Year
Quick to point out injustice in anything, you will likely major in politics, rhetoric studies or gender studies.
Mostly D’s: Promiscuous First-Year
Finally freed from the grips of your parentals and your high school reputation as a dork, you are not yet the master of pick-up lines. You will treasure your ‘80s dance and TKE basement experiences as a representation of your newly sexually liberated self.
Mostly E’s: Nervous First-Year
You just want to go home and watch Netflix in your bed with your cat Monroe. Adjusting to college is hard.