Walnut Hills High School
April 1, 2012
Volume CVI, Issue 7
Underclass tributes to be chosen for first “Younger Games”
JP SCHMITZ/CHATTEROX
Katniss Heines and Peeta Schmitz, Victors A Whimsical Announcement from the SENIOR Class Many of you may remember the brutal underclass rebellions of 2011 which were so swiftly extinguished by the SENIOR class. Those were dark days. The SENIOR class would like to remind all those of academic inferiority of the social structure in our glorious
school -- a structure based upon seniority and experience. No doubt it may be among the aspirations of many of our youthful comrades to vie for the privileges and lifestyle of the seasoned upper class, but they must remember their place. We are not on top, the capitol, so to say, because we do not deserve it. The SENIOR class has worked hard, for six years, to create and maintain the delicate balance in our society; why would anyone want to upset that? The
Republican students remember that ‘It Gets Better’ Tanner Walters, ‘12 Dick Cheney As election season draws near, excitement becomes more visible among the student body. For some, however, this excitement is less positive. “Another election, another month of terror as I walk through the halls,” says junior Megan Kelly (names in this article have been changed for privacy reasons). Why the fear? Kelly is a Republican student. As a Republican at Walnut Hills, she often feels shunned and harassed by students. “I can’t even wear my NObama pin without my locker getting vandalized!” she says. Last month, after making an Obama joke on her Facebook page, she found her locker covered in peace sign stickers. She isn’t the only one feeling the heat. Many upperclassmen can recall the election of 2008, when the administration had to announce over intercom that Republican students should not be ridiculed for their opinions. “It’s gone too far,” says another anonymous Republican student. In response to this hostility, the school administration will be implementing a mandatory antibullying workshop specifically
targeted toward Democrat students who might feel the inclination to bully Republicans. The workshops, similar to those held for the seventh and eighth graders, will bring in guest speakers to focus on positive communication between the two parties. “We’re really emphasizing the importance of polite language,” says Jim Gregson, one of the program’s speakers. “We like to tell students to avoid offensive words like ‘conservative’ or ‘Santorum supporter.’ We want to create a supportive environment.’” For further support, teens all over the country have begun a grassroots video campaign entitled “It Gets Better” to support those who feel targeted for their rightwing political beliefs. “You were born this way!” is one common mantra heard in the videos, which embrace free expression and tolerance. “It can be hard for young white Republican males like me,” said junior David Limbaugh, who is currently involved in the project. “We’re being told by everyone that what we feel is wrong, that it’s unnatural. We want to send the message to struggling young Republicans that it’s not always like this. I guess we’ll really see the fruit of our efforts come November. Mitt Romney 2012!”
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SENIOR class found these vicious uprisings to be in very poor taste, and down-right disrespectful. Thus, the grandiloquent SENIOR Council of Gamemakers is pleased to announce the first annual Younger Games. A magnificent competition, The Games will challenge the wits and test the fortitude of Walnut’s youth. Two Tributes, one female and one male, will be bestowed with the honor of representing their grade for a chance at eternal fame and glory. Only one will rise to the highest and emerge as victor. Generous donations from Walnut’s wonderful alumni have been pouring in in an effort to adapt our very own Robert S. Marx Stadium into a state-of-theart combat arena, one of technological splendor never before seen by man. Throughout the arena we have placed a variety of obstacles which the Tributes must overcome if they wish to survive. Also, for the pleasure of our viewing audience, we have installed a myriad of high-definition cameras and motion tracking equipment to capture every drop of sweat and heart beat of our competitors.
The Tributes will be reaped in a formal celebration and selection ceremony in Blair circle. Every underclassman’s name, by default, is submitted once, doubling each year until the end of the eleventh grade. Many may worry that the stress of possibly being honored as a Tribute may detract from their academic performance; do not fear, the SENIOR Class is a benevolent ruling body. To counteract any fault in scholastic standing, we humbly offer a remedy: gratiae, substantial extra credit, valid in any class. However, if one elects to succumb to the necessity of additional points, they will be honored with another submission of their name into the reaping pool. This will happen every time they opt to receive gratiae. “The Class of 2012 and the SENIOR Council are so proud to contribute to Walnut’s national reputation as a bastion of classical, secondary education,” exclaims our Head Gamemaker, Fran Newberry, “the up and coming achievers will undoubtedly value this extraordinary opportunity to instill their name within Walnut’s rich history.” It is difficult to express in
words the privilege which we are entrusting to you: a chance to be immortalized as the valiant champion. Happy Younger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor! Regards, The SENIOR Class Post Script: If you dare to disregard this important bulletin, you will regret it; we will find you.
Stationary Bike Racing Joe Schmidlapp ‘14 Chatterbox Minion Stationary bike racing is the new fad sweeping the nation. Walnut Hills is one of the first few schools in the state to adopt stationary racing as a sport. Chatterbox talked to Junior Harley Chatch “Sometimes being on the team can be a challenge. It seems like people are always ahead of me.” Last week three Eagles placed in the top five during their meet at Aiken’s weight room. The rules of stationary racing are simple: first one to cross the finish line wins. Unlike spinning, there is a finish line. And because there is a finish line, there is always at least one winner.
New entrance exam includes slacking, weightlifting
JESSICA FAN/CHATTERBOX
Workout rooms will be made available for students who wish to prepare for the new exam.
Jonah Roth, ‘13 Crayon Enthusiast Walnut Hills High School has seen a number of adjustments to account for the ever-increasing student population--traveling and part-time teachers, as well as increased class sizes--but last weekend, the ILT announced a new method of thinning the herd. “The entrance exam,” testing consultant Balthazar Bavarian told the Chatterbox in an exclusive interview, looking stunned at his own brilliance. “The standards for entering a school as elite as Walnut Hills set the bar way too low. I mean, look at this!” He pulls out a transcript for one of Walnut’s 270 juniors. “Only five AP classes? A 3.8 unweighted GPA? Why is this
Mia Manavalan, Dictator
person even at Walnut?” The new exam, Bavarian revealed, will be administered in three parts: First, “the basic calculus and Latin poetry skills that every qualified sixth grader should be able to handle. If they pass that, they move on to the slacker test--how good you are at quickly glancing at the paper on the desk next to you, how convincingly you can change the wording of a Wikipedia article.” Finally, if prospective students pass both of the other tests, they have the opportunity to undergo “a test of strength and endurance. It’s very simple. All you have to do is lift a two-ton weight and run seventeen miles uphill with it.” This is to assess if the student is prepared for the rigorous physical work involved in
getting from class to class. Although some are vehemently opposed to such a test, others, like Student Congress President Darren Wethington, say they think the test is a positive move toward finding quality Walnut Hills students: “People here are dumb. Of course, I could have passed that test, but most of Walnut doesn’t even know what an integral is. They should just go to, I don’t know, Shelbyville or somewhere else instead where--wait, are you recording this?” A completely reliable anonymous survey showed that although 99 percent of Walnut students could pass the new test, less than 4 percent are actually up to the standards of students that the administration is looking for with the new test. “I can say whatever I want in this interview,” said one sophomore. “I smoke and I cheat in class, and I know you’ll print this because it’s anonymous and controversial.” “It’s something we’ve been looking at for a while,” Bavarian says. “We’ve tried various ways of bringing down student populations before, like introducing Time to Speak and Economics requirements, and driving up difficulty levels of classes like Precalculus and Chemistry, but the best way to keep out the unworthy is just to stop the problem before it starts.”
The Chatterbox