*DISCLAIMER: This publication is a work of satire. Names, characters, places, incidents and dialogue are products of the author’s imagination applied to his cultural surroundings. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely intentional. WORDS AND ILLUSTRATIONS by BAILIEN preview | issuu.com/what_a_yanker contact | bailienproductions@gmail.com hire | bailien.squarespace.com follow | @whatayanker THIS IS A BAILIEN PUBLICATION. THE FOLLOWING USE OF PARODY, CARICATURE AND PASTICHE ARE ALL FICTIONAL PRODUCTS OF THE AUTHOR’S IMAGINATION, WITH THE INTENTION TO CONSTITUTE AN EXPRESSION OF HUMOUR AND MOCKERY. ALL CONTENT CONTAINED IS THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF BAILIEN PRODUCTIONS.
A very special thanks to: Maya Menon, Judith Watt, Iain R. Webb, Midget Dick, and all the real-life Yankers out there whose colourful personalities helped to inspire YANKER’s cast of characters.
WHY DON’T
YOU.....? Why don’t you read your news, be it analyses, interviews or opinion pieces, in the form of a ? Why don’t you read a book with a
GALLBLADDER instead of an appendix?
BAD TASTE
Why don’t you add a dash of to your wardrobe every morning, as if it were a splash of paprika to your dinner? Avoid b l a n d n e s s at all costs?
Why don’t you, for the position of Editor-inChief at a premier fashion magazine, hire a ferociously extravagant, preposterously uncontrollable, (albeit potentially insane)
true visionary?
Then sit back and watch the outrageous fashion scandals (read: masterpieces) unfold?
Why don’t you say what you mean without worrying about who might get offended?
Or stop creating superficial fodder for the sake of commercial gain? Why don’t you fill up all the white space with colour, texture,
—and surprise!
Why don’t you horrify all the yankers out there who
unquestioningly follow stale, surface, overly-refined ‘tastefulness’? All that tasteful yankerism is boring, anyway.
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THE GALLBLADDER! rather, due to a lack of overt danger and nefarious villainy. In 6. BIANCA; see also, BEYONCÉ. Bianca, or as humans that 1. GALLBLADDER. In the human body, the gallbladder is aren’t Diana Cholmondeley refer to her, Béyonce, is the a world deplete of challenge, terrified of conflict and ascribed located just north of the appendix and its accompanying untouchable symbol of blackness in the age of the Millennial. to a 12-step safety programme of publishing, the best we can intestines. As a handy storage sac for the liver’s bile, this As the present-day equivalent to Josephine Baker (whom hope for is a mysterious caricature to swoop in, and with a pair tiny organ plays a key part in breaking down all that fatty Vreeland was unconditionally fascinated by), it seems of distinctive initials emblazoned in red, splash some primary digestive matter. Likewise, YANKER’s gallbladder functions obvious that Cholmondeley would gush over Beyonce’s colours over a dreary slew of grey-and-white content filler. as an additional cavity that houses many of the references and sources used to create its narrative. It is perhaps not quite every move with a distinctly voyeuristic eye; one that would necessary, but is decisively more useful than a mere appendix 4. DECORATIVE BLACKAMOORS. probably classify as some sort of obsessive-compulsive Diana, that is, American Vogue’s Diana, claimed to (or whatever “journalistic” word count one is expected to disorder if a hypochondriac among them decided to search have worn bejewelled blackamoors churn out). Here, the curious fashion nerds or even the their symptoms on WebMD. Consider the baffling anomaly “the way Peggy Hopkins wore satirically challenged can get an explicit breakdown of all that public events, often titled with such hopelessly fanatical diamonds.” YANKER’s Diana that dense matter contained in the busy preceding pages. puns as ‘Destiny’s Children,’ are now being held worldwide has been heard to declare that to celebrate a complete stranger’s baby shower. Usually, the she wears bejewelled blackamoors Ultimately, YANKER’s oversized and tightly condensed wit point of the bizarre ritual known as the ‘baby shower’ is the way Donatella Versace wears has the misfortune to exist in a world where the tasteful ostensibly to ‘shower’ a mother-to-be with gifts in the hope plastic. In other words, you’d only consumer’s diet consists of content that is easy to digest. In that these material objects somehow lessen the hardship of be able to remove these ornaments from her order to successfully survive among such narrow definitions one of the losing one’s identity for the next 18+ years. Seeing as most of what fashion journalism can be, YANKER needs the many serendipitous whims that our beloved fashion dictator of Earth’s inhabitants have never and will never come into vital assistance of its gallbladder. YANKER does not believe in consuming things that don’t need to be digested, and is believed she could and should turn into tomorrow’s news. personal contact with the future mother in question, I can therefore happy to expose its gallbladder of information in But unlike the tiny tinkling bells that once alerted Vreeland’s only assume that their plan must be to offer these gifts as the hopes that it can make the digestion of its content a little employees to her incoming presence for a month, these some sort of religious sacrifice to the gods. Please, oh Queen smoother for all. Constipation, away with thee! YANKER miniature ebony faces announce the presence of a spirit that Bey, accept thy has now been ‘yankerfied’ for your reading pleasure. unabashedly champions exoticism in the face of political worship and let these correctness. Of course, photographing the melanin-blessed infants enter our 2. YANKER. A word allegedly invented by the mysterious for the “langour” of their glossy skin or the eccentricity world peacefully so entity known as Bailien, circa 2016. Believed to be a of their dominant genes may reveal a convoluted set of that they can grace us with their premature combination of the words “yankee” and “wanker”, ‘Yanker’ priorities. But the way this white yanker lady sees it, outright social media presence! is primarily an offensive slang word that refers to acutely fetishisation is surely much preferable to the alternative! Soon, I am absolutely Sleazily advertising trendy types of ‘otherness’ because the exclusively) white, upper class and/or male, and behave in a certain that many spectacle of ‘diversity’ is good for business—ugh, imagine. manner that masterfully combines the height of pretension will start bidding on exorbitant tickets to 5. HYPER-FEMININE FRENCH OPULENCE BRAND; creatures, when grouped together, tend to incestuously watch the live birth see also, DIOR. It needs to be said: Maria Grazia Chiuri’s celebrate each other’s ‘yankerness,’ particularly when of the Béyonce baby. debut at the storied fashion house was handsconfronted with an entity or being whose identity does not I am even more down the most disturbing “revolution” Diana has certain that Diana ever laid eyes on—and she was at Chanel’s feminist a severe impulse to prolong the shared psychosis that they Cholmondeley will protest in 2014. To say the inaugural collection are each exclusively brought to Planet Earth as some sort of of the first woman to lead Dior’s ateliers was eventually find a way invincible guardian of good taste. Consequently, ‘yankerism’, a disappointment would be a mammoth to get her hands on a form of taste fascism, can be extremely contagious and understatement, and Diana Cholmondeley one of them. often propagates rampantly and virally. Many of its victims does not believe in utterances made with develop a dangerous addiction to ‘yankerfication’, a method such tedious restraint. So when the mandatory 7. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAHHH-NAH! As any in which they compulsively attempt to ‘yankerfy’ their PR-influenced show reports applauded its gimmick-loving outsider forced to reside in English surroundings into symbols of ‘yankerness’. Infection should “feminism, functionality and flattery,” Diana society (i.e., strictly anti-tackiness territory) will attest, be avoided at all costs as overexposure to ‘yankery’ objects wondered when so many F-words started one’s Americanness is stringently kept on a need-tohas been shown to cause nasty afflictions such as (but not evoking such dullness. One thing is for know basis. Nevermind the jolting accent that tends to limited to) a deplorable personality, severe blandness and a sure: if Chiuri had actually sparked a “style peskily announce your presence within a three-kilometre chronic impediment to honest and open communication. revolution” as the fashion press would have radius—make those hard vowels a bit less conspicuous you believe, we can guarantee that it would is in the pronunciation: the next time someone addresses 3. DIANA VREELAND. If DV were a comic, Diana would not be punctuated by a commonplace you, simply correct them. “Oh, that’s Deeeeeeee-ah-nah,” surely play the unreliable narrator of a half-delusional tale that catwalk skeleton drowning in the most you might say, “not Dye-ann-uh.” It’s your name, after all. is, despite its exaggeration, a brave pursuit to communicate ordinary white unfitted T-shirt. Nor the real fashion stories. Her unlikely ascension to Fashion’s would it be announced by an uninventive A “Merica” heritage is like a chronically humiliating drunk imperial throne would probably be aided by several epic slogan in mundane typeface on said T-shirt. uncle. At the end of the day you’ll be there for them— gadgets of excess, including a suit of the purest black silk, But alas, six months later, Diana’s suffering is not over. bespoke superslim cigarettes and of course a perfectly they are your blood—but you only directly reference their Now widely-circulated news stories report that profits of manicured personal assistant named ‘Girl’ whose daily task existence when absolutely forced to during some sort of the $710 sloganed shirt, bland as it is, are being donated to dire emergency. But no fear, fellow yankees, we can still is to inject Chanel No. 5 into visitors’ bloodstreams with Rihanna’s celebrity-fueled charity: yet another grand display pretend to blend in through the simple process of Verbal of fashion entities caroling the profitable tune of the Political “legendary” and “incredible” clearly realise the alarming Identity Alteration. ‘Deeeeeeee-aaahh-nah’ swears by it. consumable identities that one is meant to don and doff like deficiency of superheroes available to save the day when it a summer hat, Diana’s anti-feminist outburst is unsurprising. comes to Fashion. By no means is this deficiency alarming Verbal Identity Alteration, or VIA, is an algorithm developed She is the only person allowed to caricaturize herself, after all. because of any overt danger or nefarious supervillain; it is by a team of expat data analysts which generates a more
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refined, or less American, method of pronouncing one’s birth 10. BLAND MAGAZINE; see also, VOGUE. Our readers Discover the biggest casting secret that all the most successful name. Below is a selection of common American-sounding will be happy to know that, after this issue, they will no fashion publications are profiting from right this minute— names that can be easily transformed to more exotic versions longer face the peril of accidentally falling asleep whilst Join the likes of BLAND, Drywall*, Skinny Martini, Sell of themselves: reading one of Alexandra Sandman’s speech bubbles. Magazine, Clamour, Confused and many, many more today! Sandman has officially filed her resignation from EditorDiana (dye-ann-uh) Diana (dee-ah-nah) in-Chief of BLAND Magazine, one of the most influential 12. THE GREAT FASHION COPIES; see also, THE Anastasia (ann-uh-stay-zhya) Anastasia (ah-nah-stay-see-ah) posts in the fashion world. No one is quite sure exactly GREAT FUR CARAVAN. This colossal 27-page Julie (jew-lee) Julie (zhoo-lee) how long her sandy reign has lasted—every time we ask editorial, a love story that takes place between a white Paul (pawl) Paolo (pow-lough) her, we fall asleep before she gets to the answer—but it has supermodel and a calm asian giant inside of a high street Alaina (uh-layn-uh) Eliana (ell-ee-ah-nah) definitely been a very large amount of blurred-together years. clothes shop, is what a subversive fashion story actually Peter (pee-ter) Pietro (pee-eh-tro) Natalie (nat-uh-lee) Natalia (nat-awl-ee-ah) The fashion world has waited with bated breath to learn looks like (kindly take note, BLAND Magazine and Gabrielle (gab-bree-ell) Briella (bree-ell-ah) who would fill such an integral position, hoping against Polished Diversity-Championing Gay Black Stylist): David (dave-id) Davide (dah-veed) all hope that the inimitable Diana Cholmondeley would Anabella (ann-uh-bell-uh) Abella (ah-bell-lah) be allowed to make an entrance and save the day, and once Jessica (jess-ick-uh) Yessica (yes-ee-kah) again, make all of our lives a little less boring in the process. Elizabeth (ell-iz-uh-beth) Mike or Micheal (mike-ell) Michaela (mik-ay-luh) Chris or Christian (krish-tyun) Alexander (owl-ecks-and-er) Alexandra (owl-ecks-and-ruh) Mary (mare-ee) Steve or Steven (stee-ven) Maddie (mad-dee)
Elisabetta (ee-lee-sah-bet-tah) Mikel (mee-kell) Michalina (mik-ah-lee-nah) Kristian (kriss-tee-un) Alejandro (awl-eh-hawn-drough) Alessandria (ah-less-ahn-dree-ah) Mareike (mar-eye-kee) Stephen (stef-en) Madeleine (mad-ell-layne)
8. ‘MAKE YANKER GREAT AGAIN’. The unanticipated rise of a distinctly un-commercial maverick such as Diana to the top of a premier fashion magazine such as YANKER is unfathomable in today’s revenue-oriented fashion system. And yet, with the recent ascent of the All-American cheeto to the presidential throne of the United States, one has to concede that perhaps a bit (or a lot) of bad taste is what people will vote for—or at the very least, remember. We’ve even seen it happen in the now-iconic episodes of South Park, where a Trump-esque Mr. Garrison, in retaliation against his school’s intolerant PC Principal, ambiguously toes the line between lovable underdog and ridiculously out of place. “Make America great again,” he shouts without thinking, egged on by a crowd of frustrated supporters. “Fuck ‘em all to death!” Luckily Diana is somewhat more conscientious in her short-lived reign. 9. CLOTHEScourt; see also, SHOWstudio. Many (usually somewhat yanker-minded) individuals consider this particular platform to be the bible of critical fashion analysis. Forget for a minute the fact that most of their believers are also featured as speakers on their panels. Below are the Ten Commandments of CLOTHEScourt that its disciples aim to spread amongst impressionable fashion students nationwide:
However this is no fairy tale. This is faction. And the job offer goes to…. Polished Diversity-Championing Gay Black Stylist! It was really inevitable that BLAND would try to find someone that not only has ample friends in high fashion places but also a hefty dose of social media clout—someone who is not only successful inside the industry but is also admired from the outside. A truly established brand, Polished DiversityChampioning Gay Black Stylist is an ideal fit for not only London’s fashion world but also 2017’s demand for diversity. Polished Diversity-Championing Gay Black Stylist may not be as subversive a figure as Diana’s fans hoped, but he is nonetheless a ‘subversive’ decision for a publication so accustomed to, well, blandness. To call Polished DiversityChampioning Gay Black Stylist “radical” and “cuttingedge,” or say that he “consistently challenges the visual status quo” is, well, just the type of exaggeratedly positive faction that is so popular with the fashion press today. Diana doesn’t really understand why a publication ostensibly in charge of reporting the latest fashion stories would give the job to a stylist—this seems to her like the usual case of style over substance. But on the bright side, at least BLAND will have the style part down now. And most importantly, the new editor understands the necessity of colour.
I. Do not have any other panel before the CLOTHEScourt panel. II. Do not make yourself an idol—make your fellow panelists one instead, and they shall return the favour. 11. III. Do not take the other panelists’ names in vain. IV. Remember the fashion weeks and attend them wholly. V. Honor thy panel and thy panel moderator. VI. Do not slander without over-analysing the subject or without the pure motive of spreading faith in political correctness. VII. Do not commit the foul of tackiness unless in a deliberate, tasteful manner. VIII. Do not steal (anything other than ideas or opinions). IX. Do not testify politically incorrect dialogue against your subjects.
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X. Do not cover topics without thoroughly conjecturing their reason for existence, how and why it came to be, every involved subject’s state of mind, its future cultural impact, any mildly relevant historical fact, any mildly relevant piece of fashion knowledge, the future of fashion and the reason of life.
JOAN SMALLS. Is your fashion publication struggling to tick off all of those pesky ‘diversity’ goals? Sick of scrolling through thousands of ‘ethnic’ headshots that just don’t fit into your core concept? Tired of hiring expensive casting agents to no avail?
It might seem like no matter what you try, you just can’t achieve the high standards of diverse representation that are so important to today’s target reader. But with this ONE BIG TIP, you too can begin to profit from the lucrative business of politically correct representation. By just following this ONE casting rule, you can effortlessly increase your non-white models by as much as 80% in two weeks! Introducing: Joan Smalls. Joan Smalls is the guaranteed quick fix your publication has been looking for. This model has the ultimate high fashion look—no more sacrificing perfectly proportional faces, high cheek bones, or even the near-skeletal body type! Act now, and you can order Joan Smalls in 20 different shades, ranging from caramel to ebony, to perfectly suit your lighting and aesthetic needs.
Once upon a time, two very different shoppers from opposite ends of the earth shared a common dream. They both longed to lay their eyes on a garment from every single fashion brand in one place. Why? Chalk it down to pleasing advertisers for their blogs or just plain old gluttony, these two consumers were destined to meet in the magical land of Trendy Catwalk Imitations High Street Shop. This particular shop, a strange place indeed, housed not only the largest variety of Copy Brands in the land but also—poof!—quick as lightning, it somehow materialised the newest fashions, in bulk, in a matter of days! It must be magic, all its customers thought, as they swiftly took their minds off the manufacturing conditions in place to make such a feat possible. Then lo and behold, the star-crossed lovers did meet, and they also met mobs of desperate Copy Brand Consumers who longed for the same single-use Copy Brand T-shirts they did. And in all the madness, none other than Diana Cholmondeley was ready to capture the mighty frenzy. This, Diana declared, is fashion now! And so it was. 13. THE AMERICAN DREAM. The American Dream: arguably the most foolishly followed falsehood today—at least, definitely where Diana comes from. Diana’s American Dream, only half as dangerous and twice as much of a fantasy, is nevertheless revealed to be a myth so far as it occurs in the fashion world today. A veritable icon with the gumptious balls and maverick spirit of 60’s Vreeland would never be able to survive in 2017’s harshly commercial, politely stifled, brutally sterilised climate. Despite triumphing over every challenge she faces in the manner of some carefully coiffed superhero, in the end it is impossible for her to win the war. Sure, they can’t really fire her for posting a controversial message on Troll-Friendly Procrastination Monopoly — she really does “say stuff like that every single day”, and what’s more, her maniacal statements garner copious amounts of media attention for YANKER. But they can and did find an excuse to let her go: the device she posted said message with. They can’t allow such a colourful character to represent them for the sake of all the shares and retweets, only for that spokesperson to later veer from their carefully-crafted extravagance. It appears inauthentic. Ironically, the least ‘yankery’ thing about Diana, her choice of mobile device, was ultimately her downfall. It isn’t really that much worse than getting fired over a tweet. But don’t for a second expect this to be the last you see of Diana Cholmondeley…