June 5, 2015
FYI
FASHION NEWS for your from your
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Imagination
tanking steals the spotlight! distorted reality no. one
FASHION v. BUSINESS: In a recent interview, the creative genius that is Viktor & Rolf discussed the death of conceptualism in fashion. The sartorial artistry from the likes of Margiela, Galliano, McQueen and V&R Couture in the 90s has transformed into a commercial viability run by luxury conglomerates. Now the CEOs are in charge, and creative directors are shuffled around from house to house like pawns, forced to make consumerism, wearability and the 2D Style.com impressions of a catwalk show their major concerns. Seasonal ideas have become more thematically simple, straightforward and single minded, lacking the mystery and provocation of complex concepts that existed 20 years ago. Fashion has officially become a business, shedding its ties to the art world and cementing its functionality. Questioning the legitimacy of this shift, what if the reverse was to happen? What if the business in charge of every business’s raison d’être—money— were to carry out its functions in a conceptual, artistic nature? In this distorted reality, Fashion becomes Rashion (a ‘ration’ of creativity) and Banking becomes Tanking (enough said).
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s conceptualism in Rashion dead? Perhaps—but it’s alive and thriving in the Tanking industry. As Rashion now solely depends on profits and bottom lines, Tanking is beginning to showcase the art of handling people’s money. It seems that the business of fashion and the fashion of business are hardly distinguishable any more. None understand this fact better than the angry protesters staging a threeday riot outside of Tarclays headquarters. Armed with speakers and picket signs, the army of suits mostly consists of ministers, lawyers, economists and other government employees. This brazen
ed tulle gown with graffiti splayed upon it. On Day Two, with the number of protesters cut in half, Tarclays employees paraded their small victory in a theatrical spectacle titled “Making an Entrance.” Photographers shoved dissenters aside as they desperately tried to capture the song, dance, acrobatics, confetti and costume trailing into the headquarters.
“No Tank had ever revealed its inner security secrets before. We were the first to even imagine the possibility of storing valuable money in an unfinished system” act of uncharacteristic public demonstration caused the group to become all the more frustrated when their efforts on Tuesday were met with a single photograph taped onto the door of an abandoned Tarclays office. “On Strike,” a picket sign in the picture said, held by a typical Tarclays employee decked out in a giant deconstruct-
Bernard Arnold, head of the Ministry of Justice and avid protester, attacked the British Tanking industry, claiming that his money was exposed to “public savages with sticky fingers” when the deconstruction trend swept through all of the vaults of the most luxurious customers. “We wanted to show the beauty of locking away
money by exposing the process and basic design of a high-security safe box,” explained Tanking executive Thomas Mugler after the scandal. “No Tank had ever revealed its inner security secrets before. We were the first to even imagine the possibility of storing valuable money in an unfinished system.” We spoke to one of Hughes’ top employees, a Tanker named Lee McQuentin. McQuentin agreed to answer all of our questions only with a quill and parchment, as he preferred the handcraft of a traditional calligraphy made with the finest ink. He carefully laid out the fresh roll of paper on top of his high-speed MacBook Pro. “This makes the perfect desk, it is completely smooth yet has a nice curve and texture to it,” he informed us. “It’s my way of combining the long history of the written word with the innovation of today’s technology.” The scroll we received after five hours of answering twenty questions, though beautiful, is unreadable to most eyes as it is written in Old Latin. Fortunately for us—unlike his c u s tomers—we currently have historians working to translate the text as accurately as possible. ||
FYI News
JACQUELINE WONG INVENTS FIRST FUNCTIONING INVISIBILITY CLOAK distorted reality no. two
PEACOCKS AND CROWS:
themselves in black clothing and avoid the cameras. “Normcore” has captured the imagination—or lack thereof—of the masses, and inspired a look that is an ultra pedestrian, sweatpants-clad version of the “Model OffDuty” look. It seems many of these ‘birds’ are either flaunting their feathers or hiding away, dressing for the opinions of others rather than simply for their own personal expression.
There is a certain cynicism and animosity towards those within the fashion industry who spend more time parading around in ostentatious clothes than actually working. Generally, these people fall under the blanket term of “street style bloggers”, which has become a bit of a dirty word to describe anyone who stands outside Somerset House, ‘peacocking’ and waiting to have their In this Distorted Reality, this love of normalcy photo taken. has prevailed to such an extent that people have become completely unrecognizable As such, there has been a surge of styles that to one another. The complete transparency are the antithesis of this. Suzy Menkes has enforced by Social Media has backfired described the two opposing fashion week and caused anonymity to become a most personas as ‘peacocks’ and ‘crows’—crows desirable luxury. being the low-key workaholics who immerse
GREEN adjective Pronunciation: /gri:n/ Of the colour between blue and yellow in the spectrum; coloured like grass or emeralds
The purity and naturalness of emeralds are what give the Green party its name, and members of the party surround themselves with these precious stones and wish to bestow them amongst the masses. Whilst this makes them a thing of beauty to behold, it also strikes fear into the hearts of many who perceive this life of unimaginable richness and equality for all to be both idealistic and unachievable.
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acqueline Wong, a 26-year-old MA graduate of the prestigious Central Saint Martins has produced fully functional invisibility cloak for her Spring/Summer 2016 collection. The Japanese designer, who has experimented with weaving solidified X-Rays into extremely thin silks for the last eighteen months, perfected the highly sought-after garment just in time for the show.
“I was so excited at the discovery of these X-Ray fibres that I promised each person on my team a cloak,” revealed Wong after the show. “But now I can’t find any of them! I’ve been looking for the last hour…” Although many business owners have been complaining that their employees are impossible to tell apart, greatly impeding team efficiency, Wong’s development is sure to shroud them in many more managerial challenges.
“I was so excited at the discovery of these X-Ray fibres that I promised each person on my team a cloak... But now I can’t find any of them!” The cloak, a much-improved version of the urban and office camouflage so pervasive in today’s outerwear, is 100% transparent. It blends into its surroundings so well that, as the look walked down the runway, most of the audience jumped out of their seats when a head suddenly appeared during the model’s pose.
Notably, however, the forward-thinking Wong is considerate of these potential difficulties. For purposes of practicality, Wong has also equipped the cloak with a sensor, which when activated with an iPhone app, beeps until its wearer can locate it. ||
June 5, 2015
MODELS: THE SIZE ISSUE
Although 18 is still technically considered ‘underweight,’ models have been reported to cheat the standards with concealed weights in their undergarments, among other tactics.
Fashion, be it on the catwalk or in the magazine, is notorious for displaying clothes on bodies with an impossible standard of beauty—literally, with the likes of Photoshop. And apparently, today’s ideal form of beauty has not evolved too far from the 90s ‘heroin chic’ look, or even the slim sticklike proportions of Twiggy’s frame in the 60s. Read: thin is in.
Yet BMI is not always a reliable measurement of health; aspects such as muscle, fat and water weight percentages can skew the results. When designers insist on crafting garments for a specific sample size—which just so happens to be excessively tall and thin—what is the solution to this issue?
Whatever the requirements are involving extreme diet and exercise, as well as an unhealthy body image portrayed to young girls across the world, there is always another, thinner model willing to pose for the cameras. The overwhelming amount of underweight and scarily thin models populating the Fashion Industry has recently come to the attention of France’s parliament. Much to the dismay of representatives of Fashion’s top Modeling Agencies and several models themselves, France passed an amendment requiring models to possess a BMI of 18 or higher.
FRANCE’S PARLIAMENT BANS NONGMMs [GENETICALLY MODIFIED MODELS]
LABOUR noun Pronunciation: /’leibə/ The process of childbirth from the start of uterine contractions to delivery
distorted reality no. three
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rench MPs have officially passed the GMM Amendment, which bans the employment of any non-GMM (Genetically Modified Model). The ruling aims to combat the prevalence of eating disorders among naturally conceived, nonGMM models who must now attain the impossibly lithe figures of those that are specifically bred for the job.
ed by NHGRI (the National Human Genome Research Institute). Naturally born human models protested that creating these aesthetically enhanced beings by inserting the ‘model gene’ into a fetus was unethical. Mothers who chose to breed their own GMMs were accused of designing their offspring with only one purpose in their short life: to model.
In addition, the new law will ensure that those mothers and families who are required to devote the majority of their time caring for the GMMs and their modeling careers will always be supported by a high demand for GMM-only fashion models.
Indeed, the consequences of the artificial gene can be shocking to the uninformed. The tall, skeletal bodies grow to an average of 180 centimetres, yet no matter how many calories are consumed, never reach a weight higher than 40 kilograms. As they are only born with four fingers
“These girls get emotional satisfaction from the modeling work they are able to do; in effect, it is the only way they can contribute to their mother or family. They are very proud of their career and would probably not have very happy lives if they lived any longer.” With the requisite GMM Motherhood inductions instated last year, along with a signed contract detailing the prodigious future responsibilities in store for the mother, GMM breeding has managed to find a solution to the anorexic bodies that once appeared on the catwalks. Designers are able to continue constructing garments with unrealistically thin
“These girls get emotional satisfaction from the modeling work... They are very proud of their career and would probably not have very happy lives if they lived any longer” Agencies that use non-GMM models for any type of modeling work will now face a fine of up to €75,000 (£55,000) and a minimum of three months in prison. The GMM Amendment, which some say is long overdue, was originally brought about by a petition—which collected 50,000 signatures—by blogger Shannon Bradley-Colleary, who wanted to battle the industry “inciting a normal human to excessive thinness.” Genetic modification of pre-born human beings, otherwise known as genetic engineering, was highly controversial during the first experiments conduct-
and four toes, they are able to wear the most impossibly silhouetted shoes with ease. The lack of opposable thumbs leads to complete dependency on the family looking after them, but this also works in their favour; GMMs, as a result, are fully submissive to the traditionally bred humans around them—most importantly, the directors and photographers conducting their actions in front of the camera.
proportions, and traditional humans no longer have to cope with the extreme standards. Hedi Slim-Vain of Saint Laurent Paris, in particular, consistently designs garments that can be worn by no natural human being, and even some GMMs do not have miniscule enough waists.
Luckily, those with the GMM gene do not mind whether they are thin enough In addition, their short life span of 30 to wear Saint Laurent as the alteryears “allows them to peacefully pass ations caused to their brains in the away before they become too old to womb do not allow them to feel envy or model anymore,” Eileen Forge of Forge self-deprecation. || Model Management explained.
At the mercy of their own pain and suffering, all the Labour Party wants to achieve is the bringing of a new, wonderful life into the world, but the agony of circumstance reduces them to little more than a withered, whingeing husk of what they once were. The nature of Labour is paradoxically both a beautiful and gruesome thing: whilst many will see naught but the miracle of new birth, others just can’t get past the little bit of faeces that will inevitably come out with it.
FYI News
wardrobesity affects LIBERAL 1 in 5 britons
adjective Pronunciation: /lib(ə)r(ə)l/ (Of a person) giving generously
distorted reality no. four
CONSUMING FAST FASHION Wardrobesity, a new health epidemic, is rampant in a society that engages in the overconsumption of clothing. In this distorted reality, the negative effects caused by wastage and hazardous toxins does not affect the Earth’s climate. Instead, unsustainable or unethical actions affect the human body itself.
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ince the NHS declared Wardrobesity a national epidemic last year, British doctors and nurses have been urging the public to consider the negative effects that overconsumption of clothing can have on their bodies. An astounding 21% of British citizens are officially Wardrobese, with a CMI (Clothing Mass Index) of higher than 10. CMIs are calculated by an equation that takes the number of pieces in a wardrobe and divides this number by the amount of times (on average) each piece gets worn per month. Ideal CMIs, according to public health officials, are between 2-4.
This year alone, there was an estimated consumption of 1.7 billion empty clothing items in the UK alone. Each unused garment was stored in wardrobes, unused, for an entire year. Around 85% of British women consume clothing that doesn’t even properly fit. The sparsely used clothing has caused their owners to suffer heart palpitations, shortness of breath and even fainting.
less than a year of use); multiple bone fractures (caused by garments being sent to landfills rather than used second-hand after less than a decade); and painful bruising (caused by garments being tossed out rather than mended after being worn).
Other serious side effects of Wardrobesity include muscle wastage and broken bones (caused by garments being thrown away after
couture now, and only brand new garments when it comes to underwear,” she said of her successful diet.
Suzy Menkon, 38, has recently reduced her CMI from a whopping 17 to a healthy 3. “I only buy
Famously promiscuous, the Liberals will give themselves to anybody to get ahead in the world. The direction in which their moral compass pointeth is ambiguous and they have been known to say anything and proffer sexual favours in a lustful thirst for power. Willing to align themselves with a myriad of people, often with conflicting interests, the Liberal party may appear meek and impressionable, but behind closed bedroom doors they are a force to be reckoned with, shagging their way to the top slowly but surely. Libellous! - how about “get into bed with anyone”
“I value my health, and my family’s health, so I mend and hand down all of my purchases that I no longer wear to my children. I’ve also been rediscovering some of my mother’s old garments and altering them myself—I feel incredible now, I’m confident, and I have so much energy.”
Other measures doctors recommend taking to improve adverse health effects include learning to sew and mend overworn garments to fight bone and muscle loss; refusing to buy clothing made with chemical dyes that cause excessive water wastage to fight dry, burning skin and
THE HARD FACTS: This year alone, there was an estimated consumption of 1.7 billion empty clothing items 85% of British women consume clothing that doesn’t even fit properly An astounding 21% of Britons are officially Wardrobese, with a CMI (Clothing Mass Index) of higher than 10 Menkon has miraculously cut the size of severe dehydration; and refusing to buy her wardrobe in half, maintaining a slim garments that are made with outsourcing 70 x 90 cm of space reserved for clothing. and human exploitation to fight dizziness, fatigue, emaciation and, in rare cases, the sudden loss of body parts. ||
record-breaking cosmetic surgery patient now in recovery
June 5, 2015
distorted reality no. five AGEISM
As opposed to Eastern philosophies, Western society has a distinct tendency to disregard its aged citizens. In the Fashion Industry especially, which worships the beauty ideals of prepubescent figures and a youthful ‘in-the-know’ mentality, ‘Ageism’ has become a serious issue. Leaders such as Anna Wintour, for example, refuse to hire people based as much on age as on sexual orientation, class or other discriminating factors. In this Distorted Reality, however, Ageism has reversed its trajectory. The trend started with brands such as Céline who featured Joan Didion in their SS15 ad campaign, as well as magazines such as The Gentlewoman, blogs such as Advanced Style and celebrity figures such as Iris Apfel.
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r. Charles Storey, the surgeon behind the most expensive cosmetic surgery in history performed just last month, is pleased to announce the successful recovery of his patient. The fifteen-month operation was performed on Valeria Lukas of Cheshire, 31, and cost a whopping £870,000.
CONSERVE noun Pronunciation: also /’konsərv/ A preparation made by preserving fruit with sugar; jam or marmalade
have had years of experience in the field. Men these days don’t look twice at a woman who doesn’t have enough sag in her curves. I’ve dreamed about being old for such a long time, and I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“Men these days don’t look twice at a woman who doesn’t have enough sag in her curves” The first treatment—which saw two inches shaved off Lukas’s legs to reduce her height—left her bedridden for two weeks while specialist nurses retrained her legs to walk. “Valeria has made enormous strides, though her gait is now somewhat shaky,” said Karen Wan, nurse at Royal Manchester Infirmary where surgery took place. “Her posture is now that of a much older woman, and she is unable to walk for long without experiencing aches and pains in her joints. She might find the aid of a walking frame useful to keep her stable.” Much to Lukas’s delight, this enables her to finally use her vast collection of Céline crutches, worth an estimated £14,000. Although the bone surgery was the most extreme procedure, it was by no means the last of Lukas’s treatments. Using the recently developed spandex injections, surgeons increased the elasticity of her skin and added wrinkles and crow’s feet to her face. Her skin’s pigment was also altered so that it would contain numerous liver spots—particularly on the hands and feet—while the increase in yellows made the skin under her finger and toenails appear aged and fragile.
Indeed, as we struggled to hear each other—due to her surgically diminished hearing as well as her low speaking volume—we leaned in and listened carefully to her words, unconsciously offering the respect she’s so sought after. Lukas now identifies herself as a woman of 70, and hopes that doors that were closed to her at 31 will now be opened. Already, in the month that she’s been in recovery, she’s been offered two promotions and is now the Fashion Editor-at-large of American Vogue. Editor-in-Chief Anna Wintern swiftly snatched Lukas from her position as a journalist for British Vogue when she saw the results of the treatment, stating frankly, “This is the type of style we strive for at Vogue.” Dr. Storey was adamant about his controversial decision to continue with the extensive procedure. “What most people call Plastic Surgery, I refer to as Cosmetic Darwinism,” he declared last week. “As all of the advanced technology and medicine enables people to live immensely longer lives, it is only understandable that the median age—and ideal age— should increase, too.”
“What most people call Plastic Surgery, I refer to as Cosmetic Darwinism” When asked about the intense operation, Lukas’s partially deteriorated vocal chords only strengthened the age of her new appearance. “Isn’t that obvious?” retorted Lukas. “Who doesn’t want to be older, to be respected? Employers only want people over 50 who have already had their 2.5 grandkids and
Characteristic of many cosmetic surgery patients, Lukas is hungry for further enhancement. “Of course I still have some way to go,” she sighed. “There is going to be a certain amount of dentistry to be had and I need to be fastidious about bleaching and dying my hair.” ||
With an inherent fear of the modern world the Conservatives eschew contemporary methods of food preparation in favour of the Roman technique of jam making. These stiff upper lipped, buttoned up Luddites are pectin perfectionists and have become fabulously fruity in their quest for condiment nirvana, making jam by the gallon to see them through the long winters of austerity. Refrigerators are not the only aspect of 21st Century life which displease the Conservative Party; they also shun developments in morality such as the ban against fox hunting, democracy and basic human rights.
FYI News
menimists threaten ruby murdoch after misandrist comments in the days distorted reality no. six
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FEMINISM: THE NEWEST TREND— AND THE BACKLASH FROM IT
Men are only good for sperm, really.
There is new wave of feminism sweeping the Internet, social media, protest groups such as FEMEN and even fashion collections (Phoebe Philo, Miuccia Prada and Karl Lagerfeld have all been linked to the issue within the last five years). Feminism, it can be said, is fashionable. Yet in light of discussions about the pay gap, viral videos on Youtube showcasing a woman being catcalled over 100 times in one day or little girls declaring, “Fuck you! I’m not a Princess” and multiple rape accusations dividing their digital audiences, many are revolting against the notion of militant feminism. Primarily based in the United States, ‘AntiMisandry’ groups claim that feminists simply blame men for all of society’s problems and that they are “a class being bashed for no crime aside form possessing XY instead of the ‘politically preferred’ XX.”
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In this Distorted Reality, the Anti-Misandrists actually have something to complain about, as elements of common misogyny and values in the workplace are reversed.
U-KIP noun Pronunciation: /kip/ (In leather-making) the hide of a young or small animal
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n light of recent articles published by The Days last week, Editor-in-Chief and Executive Director Ruby Murdoch fled her home in West London due to multiple death threats from militant menimists. After receiving hundreds of the potentially high-threat hate mail, Murdoch has been escorted to her summer home in Cannes. She has made no other comment, besides releasing a statement assuring us that she has no intention of resigning.
With a penchant for hunting and destroying, the u-Kip party pray upon the weak and the young; easy targets with little power to fight back. Favouring the welfare of the privileged gun carriers über alles, at party conferences members can be seen dressed from head to toe in the skins of their victims, their vulnerability worn like a trophy.
Ruby Murdoch has engraved a formidable reputation as pro-misandry and anti-menimism throughout her career. As the powerhouse behind London’s most popular newspaper The Days, she is the most influential woman in media today. In an interview last Wednesday she revealed her intimate views on the inferiority of men and her refusal to place anyone of the male gender in important positions. “Everyone on the board is a woman,” she claimed. “I don’t want to employ someone that can’t control themselves and end up impregnating some woman so they have to quit the job, stay home and raise the kids.” Enraged pro-men’s rights activists took a violent stand, threatening Murdoch with car bombs, gunmen and even a refurbished guillotine. Murdoch had dismissed the rising new wave of menimism in the interview, stating, “I mean it
shouldn’t really be this big issue. I think it is just that men and women have been made differently, and this whole menimism movement that is randomly popping up is a completely ridiculous notion. Men will never be as smart as women; their brains are just smaller. That is just how it is. Women are always going to be better chess players and better shoppers; women have an eye for strategy, colour and silhouette and men are just never going to measure up. They are a bit too stubborn, too close-minded and they think they can solve everything with muscle power… but obviously brainpower is the real ruler in the world.” She continued, “Men are good to be at home to raise the kids while we work but I don’t believe they belong in the workplace, to be honest. Our brains are just superior in our emotional intelligence and intuitive abilities. There’s a reason why throughout history, women have always been in charge.” When asked about controversial issues such as the huge pay gaps between women and men, she declared, “I don’t take the male gender seriously enough to consider their lack of feelings. You know how the old saying goes… ‘A man’s place is in the bed.” She insisted that the wages she paid each employee was fair, because “women get paid for the higher quality of work they contribute. And, women also have to birth children. So they should be paid more. We are the sole reason humanity exists, really.” Murdoch refused to denounce dogcalling or any other of the commonly cited demeaning behaviours that men face. “If a man dresses provocatively what are we supposed to do?” she asked. “They are the ones choosing to dress that way; I mean it is their fault. They are asking for it. Why do you think a man would dress that way? Because he wants us to take him home—it’s a well known fact that they can’t control themselves.” To top it all off, the outspoken editor littered the entire article with the word “chode,” and laughed at the menimists; feeble attempt to call women “cunt” in retaliation. “Cunt is always going to have a somewhat more positive connotation as the symbol of the female,” Murdoch explained. “But no one wants to be a chode.” ||
June 5, 2015