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purple mustang gazette• Thursday, March 28, 2013
BILL NYE RECONSIDERS THE FOLLOWING, CONVERTS TO CREATIONISM
Hal Craven
E n v iroWester n C oordi n ator William Sanford Nye, commonly known as ‘Bill Nye the Science Guy,’ shocked the world yesterday—with no electrons, protons or neutrons involved. The former television host of the popular kids show announced he has converted to creationism after he spent a long night reconsidering the following. “After taking another look at the evidence, I suddenly realized that it would be completely impossible for the world to not be created in seven days,” commented the renamed Brother Nye.
Nye also recanted his position on global warming, where he formerly was an ardent spokesperson for young people stepping out in the fight against climate change. Nye now proclaims global warming is a conspiracy created by devil-worshipping communists. “God gave the world to us for us to use however we see fit,” preached Brother Nye. “It’s ridiculous to assume he would actually make us responsible for how we take care of it—I mean, when has God ever done that?” The revelation was mind-blowing for many children, including young Timmy Jones, who was convinced by Nye’s pre-conversion
arguments. “I used to think the world was formed out of a process that took a billion trillion hundred years,” said Jones, while pausing to play with his creationist-approved science kit. “But now that Brother Nye is telling me that it was created in seven days, I don’t know what to believe. How am I supposed to go on if there’s really some kind of God looking down on us and we aren’t the product of billions of years of evolution?” Brother Nye has gone on to challenge evolutionist and atheists such as Stephen Hawking and Christopher Hitchens to debates. “You and me, any time, any place.
Debating creation mano-a-mano,” Brother Nye challenged. “You bring the blasphemy and I’ll bring the holy water.” Brother Nye’s revelation has been so powerful even new Pope Francis I has taken notice, wishing to change the process of canonization and have Brother Nye immediately made a saint. Rumour has it Nye has also been in talks with Fox News about a new show titled ‘Brother Nye the Creationist Guy.’ On April 14, Nye will return to Western’s Alumni Hall to discuss God’s work. Tickets are $50 and can be purchased at Western Connections.
USC CAPS OFF ANOTHER PERFECT YEAR Gerard Calaway
M u n icipa l A ffairs C ommissio n er After a myriad of hard work and tireless effort, the University Students’ Council has continued to polish its sparkling record with another year of flawless leadership. The USC credits its success to the knowledge gained from its expedition to universities around the world, which spanned a two-month period and traversed over 20 countries. “I had some reserves after
visiting the 19th country,” Erin Uberig, vice-president student events, admitted while gazing at a tanned picture of herself. “But after our final stop in the Caribbean, I felt secure knowing we had done the right thing.” According to Adam Fearnall, USC president, a simple visit to council’s offices will alleviate any unsubstantiated fears students have about their government. After a trek down a winding marble path, one is greeted by the smiling face of Adam Fearnall upon
his golden throne of skulls—a humble sight in days marred with overspending by student governments. “It’s the little things that really help student living,” Fearnall stated while lining his throne cushion with $100 bills provided by an artificial turfing company. “Our administration has really helped pave the way for students to flourish for the rest of eternity.” On an unrelated note, Fearnall added provincial taxes would be hiking up next year’s student fee by 486 per cent.