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USC MAKES PRESS FREEDOM TOP PRIORITY

Jeremy Santucci

I n terim E ditor - i n - C h ief Following recommendations from The Gazette’s Strategic Review Committee, the University Students’ Council unveiled a new strategic plan Wednesday night that will see campus press freedom made a top priority. One of the first changes announced is the rebranding of the paper as the Purple Mustang Gazette. “We really wanted a unique name that showed off Western’s spirit,” Jeremy Santucci, vice-president communications for the USC, explained. According to Santucci, a survey of club presidents found students’ mental health was adversely affected by The Gazette’s coverage of political scandal and sophing changes. “From now on, we want a publication that will showcase the best Western and the USC have to offer, not the worst,” Santucci said. Myuri Komaragiri, vice-president campus issues, echoed his sentiments, noting coverage of the USC’s intended move of the multi-faith

room in January saw usage of Western’s Peer Support Centre peak. Gloria Dickie, editor-in-chief of The Gazette, couldn’t help but welcome the change. “[I’m really glad they’ve shrunken the paper by 39 per cent—now students won’t feel overwhelmed by its dense material],”she commented.

From now on, we want a publication that will showcase the best Western and the USC have to offer, not the worst. —Jeremy Santucci Interim editor-in-chief.

In order to take full advantage of the journalistic transformation, the Purple Mustang Gazette team departed for Fiji following Wednesday’s council meeting, the site of the newspaper’s first editorial retreat. “At first I was hesitant to relinquish [some] editorial control, but

ultimately the benefits outweighed the cost,” Dickie said. Although we’ve [admired] the University Students’ Council retreats in the past, the experience to be gained in Fiji is undeniable. Suva is the birthplace of hard-hitting, urban journalism and I think our staff will greatly benefit from all the island has to offer.” In the interim, the Purple Mustang Gazette will be managed by Santucci, before incoming vice-president communications Jas Irwin takes the reigns full-time in September. “The old method of the editorial board electing its editor-in-chief seemed archaic to the review committee,” Adam Fearnall, USC president, explained. “It’s really important to us to have someone we can trust in that position, and who better than one of our own?” In order to accommodate such infrastructural changes, the Purple Mustang Gazette student fee will increase by 346 per cent next year. “We believe such a fee increase will clearly reflect the priority we have allotted to campus press freedom and will hopefully appease hordes of angry Gazette alumni,” Fearnall concluded.


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purple mustang gazette • Thursday, March 28, 2013

USC ushers in golden age of democracy with M-Bux Dennis Green

P ro v i n cia l A ffairs C ommissio n er Continuing the push for a more democratic, representative University Students’ Council, President Adam Fearnall called a press conference yesterday to unveil the revolutionary new voting structure for next year’s USC elections. The new system, which will be rolled out in time for next year’s election, will give students the opportunity to buy “MustangBux” at a 1:1 ratio, which can be redeemed for additional votes. “This is an important step to a better, shinier Western. Students

Mo’ money, mo’ votes —it’s genius! —Tony Ayala Vice-president finance for the University Students’ Council

clearly want more democracy, and now we’re giving it to them—at the low, low price of five M-Bux per extra vote,” Fearnall said to throngs of adoring supporters as he made his way regally through the University Community Centre. “Mo’ money, mo’ votes—it’s genius!” Tony Ayala, vice-president finance for the USC, said as he eyed the latest SkyMall catalogue hungrily. “Think of all the…conference rooms we could get with that kind of cash.” The fees collected are earmarked to compensate for the $450,000 yearly loss from last year’s affiliate agreement. Further, the new revenue stream will make sure the most politically involved students have the greatest influence. “These students undoubtedly know better than the uneducated mass of first-years, sorority girls and varsity athletes that make up the majority of the voting public, so I’m all for this,” Aaron Zaltzman, Purple Mustang Gazette news editor and noted oligarch, gushed.

Pat Whelan, president-elect for the USC, was initially against the change, characterizing it as “a wholly transparent attempt to gouge students until they can’t even afford a Spoke bagel, or pint of Ceeps brew.” However, after learning that he will be allotted a 2,000 M-Bux bonus upon taking up the mantle of USC president, he quickly realized the brilliance inherent in the new system.

“We’ve reached the endpoint of democracy here people,” he exclaimed. “This is it—red pants and M-Bux.” Questions of whether MustangBux would be refunded in the extraordinarily unlikely event a revote is needed were not immediately answered, as Fearnall and Ayala could not manage responses through their uproarious laughter.

Western announces new Twilight class, “not a bird course” Stephanie Wheedon

Wome n ’ s I ssues Net w ork C oordi n ator Move over Dracula, there’s a new vampire in the English department. The English department proudly announced yesterday they would be introducing a new course next year that will focus on the groundbreaking teen novel Twilight. The course will be formally titled English 1111E: The One Face of Bella Swan, and will be open to only honours-level students because it’s a really serious course—seriously. The course will mainly focus on the text Twilight, the first book in the series, but other texts on the syllabus will include a Robert Pattinson biography, J-14 and TigerBeat magazines. Lucy Stoker, the professor who developed the course, explained she heard the English department had approved a Harry Potter course and thought she’d pitch a Twilight-focused course because, well, why not? “I’ve always been enthralled by the one-dimensional characters and juvenile dialogue within the texts,” Stoker said. She went on to explain that although the book is

intended for a preteen audience, it actually contains feminist motifs, issues of globalization, racism and post-colonial issues. It touches on genres such as the Christian allegory, the gothic, trauma theory, postmodernism, as well as exploring ideas of existentialism, structuralism and ontology. “This book really challenges the reader to look deep beyond the plot of a hormonal, sparkly vampire,” Stoker said. “The text, as a whole, is far too complicated to be studied as a single text in a survey course—it needs a year-long course devoted to it,” she added. However, concerns have been raised that, considering the novel is written at a grade seven reading level and printed in 24-point font, it may be viewed as a bird course. Jacklyn Joyce, a third-year English student, said she wasn’t concerned. “English students are not a joke,” she said before going off on a tangent about how her parents don’t consider English a practical avenue of study. “But it is okay—it is.” And if students are excited for this course, they’ll be 50 times more excited about the companion course, English 1069E: Anal Beads and Erotic Reads: Contemporary Theory in 50 Shades of Grey.


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purple mustang gazette• Thursday, March 28, 2013

AVERAGE STUDENTS DEMAND SOPH JUSTICE GAZETTE ALUMNI

RELIVE GLORY DAYS Veronica Kane

C h arity B a l l C oordi n ator

Wilfred Pinkton

C l ub F i n a n ce C oordi n ator Following a recent overhaul of the soph selection process, throngs of angry students took to the streets of London yesterday to demand justice for sophs. Classrooms on campus were largely deserted as thousands of average students skipped class to participate in the march, which travelled from the Richmond gates down to Victoria Park and back. The crowd of 15,000 stretched for several blocks and brought traffic to a standstill for about six hours. “The changes to the soph selection process represent an all-out assault on the single most important institution on this campus,” said one bandana-clad student named Mike, who declined to give his last name. “There is no conceivable way that a student could make it through university without sophs there to hold their hands for the first week,” he continued. “Sophs are literally the only thing preventing frosh from descending into a self-destructive quandary of debauchery and wickedness.”

The changes to the soph selection process, which caused the uproar, included a requirement for sophs to fill out some application forms and a new rule preventing applicants from being vetted by their best friends.

When a returning soph reapplies, they expect nothing less than a token rubber-stamping process, and to suggest that applicants should actually put effort into their applications is totally unfair. —D-Bag Entitled social science soph.

“The new selection rules completely fail to account for the sense of entitlement that has been carefully cultivated within the sophing community,” D-Bag, a social science soph, said, in a tearful speech to an enormous crowd of students outside

the Victoria Park gates. “When a returning soph reapplies, they expect nothing less than a token rubber-stamping process, and to suggest that applicants should actually put effort into their applications is totally unfair. These changes completely divest the soph leadership of their power to hire their friends and keep sophing an exclusive clique,” he yelled to raucous cheers. Ashley Barnes, a third-year psychology student, was shocked at the way sophs were being treated. Barnes took part in yesterday’s march to show solidarity with her sophs from first year, whose names she was unable to recall by press time. “When I got to Western, I didn’t know that I was supposed to hate Queen’s, or how amazing the University Students’ Council was and how they do so many amazing things for students. If it weren’t for my sophs, I might never have found out,” she said. “And thank God they were there to teach me all those cheers.” “I mean, I never really talked to my sophs again after O-Week, but I’m sure they had the most amazing experience of their lives.”

Celebrated Gazette alumni were able to relive “the best days of their lives” last week, when they provided counsel to The Gazette’s Strategic Review Committee and the University Students’ Council regarding the new Purple Mustang Gazette. “I think writing letters and supporting The Gazette during the proposed multi-faith move really whet the appetite of irrelevant journalists,” Mitch Combes, a 1973 cartoonist for The Gazette who hasn’t held a full-time job since the 1980s, explained. Upon the announcement the USC had decided to move forward with the new, improved Purple Mustang Gazette, thousands of former editors sent irate tweets and letters to USC President Adam Fearnall, who handily addressed their concerns with a stock letter. “We will take their desperate attempts at gaining relevance into consideration and do our due diligence,” Fearnall begrudgingly acknowledged. This less-than-forthcoming response, however, was welcomed by many “freelance” writers. “It’s a great feeling to be acknowledged as a human being, and to see my writing published again after all these years, even if it is in a student newspaper,” Marilyn Jones, a 1952 ace news hound and author of a recent Letter to the Editor, said while clipping out the latest “Sipping with Smoth.”


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purple mustang gazette • Thursday, March 28, 2013

*Grades were calculated through a comprehensive survey of three students with known biases.


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purple mustang gazette• Thursday, March 28, 2013

BILL NYE RECONSIDERS THE FOLLOWING, CONVERTS TO CREATIONISM

Hal Craven

E n v iroWester n C oordi n ator William Sanford Nye, commonly known as ‘Bill Nye the Science Guy,’ shocked the world yesterday—with no electrons, protons or neutrons involved. The former television host of the popular kids show announced he has converted to creationism after he spent a long night reconsidering the following. “After taking another look at the evidence, I suddenly realized that it would be completely impossible for the world to not be created in seven days,” commented the renamed Brother Nye.

Nye also recanted his position on global warming, where he formerly was an ardent spokesperson for young people stepping out in the fight against climate change. Nye now proclaims global warming is a conspiracy created by devil-worshipping communists. “God gave the world to us for us to use however we see fit,” preached Brother Nye. “It’s ridiculous to assume he would actually make us responsible for how we take care of it—I mean, when has God ever done that?” The revelation was mind-blowing for many children, including young Timmy Jones, who was convinced by Nye’s pre-conversion

arguments. “I used to think the world was formed out of a process that took a billion trillion hundred years,” said Jones, while pausing to play with his creationist-approved science kit. “But now that Brother Nye is telling me that it was created in seven days, I don’t know what to believe. How am I supposed to go on if there’s really some kind of God looking down on us and we aren’t the product of billions of years of evolution?” Brother Nye has gone on to challenge evolutionist and atheists such as Stephen Hawking and Christopher Hitchens to debates. “You and me, any time, any place.

Debating creation mano-a-mano,” Brother Nye challenged. “You bring the blasphemy and I’ll bring the holy water.” Brother Nye’s revelation has been so powerful even new Pope Francis I has taken notice, wishing to change the process of canonization and have Brother Nye immediately made a saint. Rumour has it Nye has also been in talks with Fox News about a new show titled ‘Brother Nye the Creationist Guy.’ On April 14, Nye will return to Western’s Alumni Hall to discuss God’s work. Tickets are $50 and can be purchased at Western Connections.

USC CAPS OFF ANOTHER PERFECT YEAR Gerard Calaway

M u n icipa l A ffairs C ommissio n er After a myriad of hard work and tireless effort, the University Students’ Council has continued to polish its sparkling record with another year of flawless leadership. The USC credits its success to the knowledge gained from its expedition to universities around the world, which spanned a two-month period and traversed over 20 countries. “I had some reserves after

visiting the 19th country,” Erin Uberig, vice-president student events, admitted while gazing at a tanned picture of herself. “But after our final stop in the Caribbean, I felt secure knowing we had done the right thing.” According to Adam Fearnall, USC president, a simple visit to council’s offices will alleviate any unsubstantiated fears students have about their government. After a trek down a winding marble path, one is greeted by the smiling face of Adam Fearnall upon

his golden throne of skulls—a humble sight in days marred with overspending by student governments. “It’s the little things that really help student living,” Fearnall stated while lining his throne cushion with $100 bills provided by an artificial turfing company. “Our administration has really helped pave the way for students to flourish for the rest of eternity.” On an unrelated note, Fearnall added provincial taxes would be hiking up next year’s student fee by 486 per cent.


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purple mustang gazette • Thursday, March 28, 2013

MULTI-FAITH MOVES INTO Executive OFFICEs Edmund Freidrichs

E t h n ocu l tura l S upport S er v ices C oordi n ator The third floor of the University Community Centre was converted this week when a coalition of campus multi-faith groups took over the offices of the University Students’ Council. Multi-faith representatives explained the current multi-faith space was simply no longer adequate to suit their needs, and the spacious USC offices were the perfect target for an upgrade. “Although our brand-new, multimillion dollar space on the second floor was alright at first, our needs have changed, and now Western’s multi-faith groups need a bigger space,” Jonathan Brown, a spokesman for the multi-faith groups, said. “The USC offices are just perfect for us,” Mary Williams, a member of Campus for Christ, added. “They

have a lot more space, and best of all, they’re one floor higher, so we can all be even closer to God.” The offices take up a significant part of the third floor of the UCC. By moving in, the multi-faith groups expect to have enough room for separate prayer spaces and activity rooms, the lack of which is a longstanding complaint against the current space. Renovations have already begun, and Brown said the office of the president—which has floor-to-ceiling windows and is about the size of a small classroom—would soon be repurposed as a study lounge. “It’s a really nice, huge space that was just being totally underutilized before,” Brown explained. The multi-faith groups reportedly made the decision to move into the USC offices after asking the opinion of a passing student in the hallway, who claimed he “didn’t even know what the USC is,” according to Brown.

Adam Fearnall, USC president, was less than impressed with the decision. “This was completely unexpected. They just came out of nowhere, without asking us or ever even considering how this might impact our ability to do our jobs,” Fearnall said in a phone interview from his new office in a broom closet in the basement. “How can we be expected to do our jobs, and keep finding innovative new ways to get money from students, if we don’t even have our conference room?” When asked if the move would hinder the USC’s ability to effectively raise student fees, Brown was unconcerned. “On occasion, perhaps the USC is overdramatic,” Brown said. “I think we know what’s best for them. And they can moan all they want, but we all know next February they’ll come crawling back, begging for precious votes.”

FIMS Begrudgingly CONCEDES DEFEAT TO THE MAN Hailey Mills

F edera l A ffairs C oordi n ator The faculty of information and media studies raised its last fist last night, when its students finally kneeled before their financially-solvent conquerors following a spirited protest in the North Campus Building. The media students, dressed in a sea of thrifted flannel and ironic T-shirts, were protesting what they saw as The Man’s encroachment on their right to be poorly trained for the workforce and write pretentious essays about Foucault. Their misdirected rage stemmed from a suggestion from The Man earlier this week that FIMS might benefit from an annual job fair. “A lot of students in MIT don’t have a clear idea of what they want to do when they graduate, so we thought they might appreciate a job fair to help set them on the right path,” The Man shouted through a megaphone from his new throne, built atop a towering spire of vintage vinyl records and cans of seasonal microbrews.

WESTERN DECLARED BEST STUDENT EXPERIENCE Erin Holmes

P reside n tia l Liaiso n Confirming what has already been known for countless years, Western has finally been declared “like, totally the best student experience in all of Canada.” “It’s about damn time,” Adam Fearnall, president of the University Students’ Council, scoffed. “I mean, we’ve obviously known for a long time that we offer the best student experience of any Canadian university. But it’s nice for the rest of the country to finally acknowledge it.” Western was voted #1 by the Committee of Spirit, an independent nationwide body set up last year after a donation from a reclusive benefactor. Financial auditors have identified the benefactor as a London resident with the initials U.S.C.

Now we’ve got a leg to stand on instead of just empty buzzwords like ‘inclusivity’ and ‘purple pride.’ —Ashley McGuire Student senator

“Stop resisting!” he added emphatically. The disgruntled amateur theorists began to gather in the atrium of NCB around 6 p.m. last night, beating hand drums and quoting Karl Marx’s theories on the alienation of the worker from the product of his labour. “Jobs are for Ivey, not FIMS,” yelled one Ray-Ban-wearing hypocrite, before taking out his iPhone and sharing the event on Instagram, Tumblr and Twitter. After a brief struggle, The Man crushed his new subjects when half of them realized the whole reason they had mistakenly chosen FIMS was for practical experience in technical fields. Jordan Pearson, incoming president of the FIMS Students’ Council,

was incensed about the direct assault on his civil liberties. “While I can certainly see the rationale for such a proposal, the implication FIMS students desire, or even require, jobs is a fallacy based on out-dated assumptions about subjectivity, employment and late capitalism,” he said. “We were trying to blow the truth open wide. What The Man is offering students is a thinly-veiled scheme to enslave us in eternal corporate servitude, during which our students could be sure to expect such insults as job security and pensions.” The Man announced this morning his first act of tyranny would be to organize a networking event to give students opportunities to meet with business professionals and attend job-hunting seminars.

“Western was an obvious choice, due to their amazing school spirit and hardworking student government,” the CS report read. “Especially the sophs, who are there to welcome new students and form the unrelenting backbone of the best student experience in Canada.” However, questions still abound, such as what defines the best student experience, and how possible it is to actually compare any two or more university experiences. President Fearnall responded to these questions by jumping on his desk and singing the Western song. “It will be nice for student politicians to be able to back up their rhetoric,” Ashley McGuire, student senator for the USC, explained. “Before we could never back that claim up, but now we’ve got a leg to stand on instead of just empty buzzwords like ‘inclusivity’ and ‘purple pride.’”


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purple mustang gazette• Thursday, March 28, 2013

High Spoke taco sales bring USC more money Ursula Ahjoud

C ommissio n er - at - Lar g e , F i n a n ce The votes are in, and students want more tacos. Voted the best meal in London by Purple Mustang Gazette, London Free Press and Metro News, the Spoke’s January menu feature has been wildly successful, bringing the USC $10,000 more in revenue than they made last year at this time. Additionally, the new tacos have resulted in increased congestion in the University Community Centre, as line-ups at the Spoke have been extending into the atrium, and into the Mustang Lounge. “I knew the tacos would be popular, but I didn’t think they’d be this popular,” the ever-exuberant Tony Ayala, vice-president finance for the University Students’ Council, exclaimed. “This is definitely my proudest moment of the year.” Students have reported immense excitement over the new dish—some stated the Spoke’s tacos are the best

Cam Smith

Hea l t h a n d We l l n ess S upport S er v ices C oordi n ator Realistically, we all reach the bottom of the bottle at some point. This is something Smoth just can’t abide by. While running out of alcohol is a real tragedy, this doesn’t mean we have to stop drinking the good stuff.

Purell hand sanitizer

At 63 per cent alcohol, Purell is a damn decent buzz-inducer. The gel is viscous, and pleasant on the palate, with notes of wet pine, violet and chemical cleanser. While relatively expensive to purchase, the University Students’ Council graciously provides mini kegs of complimentary sanitizer around

meal they’ve ever had on campus. “I don’t know what it is,” Iluv Theusc, fourth-year BMOS student said. “I’ve never tasted anything so satisfying at a London restaurant, let alone on campus.” With the increasing popularity of the tacos, the USC plans to sell them in every USC-owned food operation on campus by the end of the next school year.

“It’s what the students want, so that’s what students are going to get,” USC President Adam Fearnall stated. “Selling tacos was the most ingenious, successful idea the USC has implemented in recent memory—maybe ever.” In attempt to perpetuate the success of the tacos, the Spoke will be replacing bagels at Spoke café with tacos as of April 2013.

the University Community Centre, which I sample from frequently. It may kill 99.9 per cent of germs, but it kills only a paltry 40 per cent of your liver. Grab an empty cup from Centre Spot, get a snack and wash it down with the peppy zing of Purell.

time and call it a double. Alcohol swabs are a portable must for all serious drinkers.

First aid alcohol swabs

Never has alcohol been so portable. No bottle opener? No glass? No problem! Pack a pocketful of these handy alcohol swabs, and you’re in business anywhere. It’s especially handy if you intend to imbibe with high police traffic around—“Officer, safety first, I don’t want to chance an infection!” I like to place one on my tongue and suck out the savoury fluid. Feeling adventurous? Try two at a

Listerine mouth wash

I was at Shoppers Drug Mart, picking up some varying toiletries, when I stumbled upon my next alternative alcoholic indulgence. Served chilled, Listerine provides a real refreshing treat. I chose the ‘Vanilla Mint’ flavour, which, unsurprisingly, had notes of vanilla and mint. At 23 per cent, it got me feeling pretty good after a few cups.

Ethanol-enriched gasoline

While often only around 10 per cent alcohol, ethanol-enriched gasoline still provides some of the best bang for your buck. I walked to the

nearest Esso station and filled a crystal decanter to the brim for just over a dollar! The taste is a bit earthy, with a kick of acidity. The fumes are quite strong, and gave me a nice head buzz before I even started drinking it. The best part was of this beverage is, after I woke up from my seven-day long, medically-induced coma, there was almost no hangover! Don’t let a lacking liquor cabinet get you down. There are many solutions out there that will serve your insatiable desire. Enjoy the zip of Purell, refreshing breeze of Listerine, the slick alcohol swabs and the bite of gas. Truly, wine and whiskey appear overrated next to these value beverages.


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purple mustang gazette • Thursday, March 28, 2013

USC president-elect makes red pants mandatory for new school uniform Erin Holmes

P reside n tia l Liaiso n In cooperation with last year’s rebranding of the university, next year the University Students’ Council will be implementing mandatory uniforms for all Western students. The fantastic new decree, aimed at improving school spirit, will force students to wear a purple shirt and red pants at all times. USC president-elect Pat Whelan called the delightfully Draconian rule “a step in the right direction” for improving the level of purple pride among the student body. “We already know Western offers the best student experience in Canada,” Whelan said in a speech delivered to bleary-eyed, yet enthused sophs working in the bowels of the university’s new sweatshop to produce the mandatory threads. “Now is the time to paint that message on every corner of the campus, from our walls to our streets right down to every last student.” The sweatshop and uniforms are

being paid for by the USC Capital Fund. “Yeah, I mean, there’s no way we could actually spend $800,000 on the University Community Centre alone, so we decided to build this on-campus sweatshop,” Whelan said. “The good news is that we’ve legally extended O-Week indefinitely, so we don’t have to pay the sophs wages for their labour and can save student money.” Whelan explained the uniforms were chosen after a lengthy and expensive decision-making process.

The Uniform Selection Committee worked tirelessly to come up with several options for Whelan to consider. “We wanted to go for something that would reflect the spirit of Western University,” Sam Krishnapillai, incoming vice-president internal, said while signing a ‘W’ over her heart. “We put forth several uniforms proposals, including a Canada Goose jacket, leggings and Uggs for girls, as well as a polo top and sweatpants for guys.” Ultimately, Whelan elected to

pass on the option for being too “douchy,” even for Western. “The purple shirt is to represent our pride in our school,” Whelan said. He stumbled, however, when explaining the bizarre choice of the red pants. “Yes, red is the colour of our sworn enemy, McMaster,” Whelan said, laughing nervously. “But who doesn’t love a nice pair of red pants?” “It’s because he doesn’t own anything else!” yelled a brave soph/ indentured servant before being kindly silenced.

Purple Mustang Gazette wins Pulitzers for in-depth reporting on ketchup Tom Atoi

F ood S upport S er v ices C oordi n ator On Sunday at Columbia University’s Low Library, the annual Pulitzer Prize luncheon was held with journalism award categories stacked with quality nominees. Writers from The Miami Herald, The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune all eagerly awaited the results of their respective nominations. Though hopeful, all of these respected journalists walked away empty-handed as The Purple Mustang Gazette won almost every award for their compelling headto-head discussion focusing on the merits of ketchup. Titled “To mato, or not to mato,” the piece by Purple Mustang Gazette staff Kevin Hurren and Alex Carmona took the Pulitzer Prize in several categories, including best breaking news reporting, best feature writing, best international reporting, best commentary and best feature photography.

“I don’t understand, the piece didn’t even have a photo,” complained Craig Walker, a Denver Post photographer whose pictures of a discharged veteran home from Iraq were also nominated for best feature photography. While Walker scratched his head in confusion, Purple Mustang Gazette arts & life editor Kevin Hurren knew what writing the ketchup story meant. “There were definitely some risks involved,” Hurren explained. “I mean, so many people these days like mustard—or, even worse, don’t use any condiments on their food. What I kept reminding myself was that I

had a story to tell, and no matter how tough the journey was, I had a personal mantra of ‘Kevin, don’t give up, people need to read this.’” News editor Alex Carmona, who chose to write about the negative side of ketchup, could not be reached for comment. A friend of Carmona anonymously revealed after receiving a large numbers of death threats accompanying ketchup packets, Carmona fled the country and is now spending his days quietly tending to a tomato garden under an alias. Carmona’s meagre honouraria will now be channelled into a new

position with the Purple Mustang Gazette, tentatively titled ‘condiment editor.’ Hurren, the natural choice for the position, shared his excitement about developing this innovating section of the paper. “What we at the Purple Mustang Gazette started was a movement—a movement of unaltered, glovesoff condiment coverage,” Hurren explained while arranging Pulitzer medals around his new office. “Is tartar sauce limited to seafood? Why can’t oil and vinegar go together? What the hell is in relish? These are questions people want answered, and I’m going to make it my personal mission as condiment editor to provide such closure.” The condiment section of the paper, which will be taking a page from news, is currently looking for interns and volunteers. “I’m looking for strong writers who aren’t afraid to take on controversial and demanding topics,” said Hurren, who had a final message for potential volunteers. “Who knows, you might be the next Pulitzer Prize winner.”


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purple mustang gazette• Thursday, March 28, 2013

USC seeks replacement for columnist Cam “Parkes” Parkes

P rideWester n coordi n ator The University Students’ Council is searching for someone to fill a void at its daily student paper, The Purple Mustang Gazette. Cameron “Smoth” Smith, writer of the extremely popular “Sipping With Smoth” column, had to be temporarily relieved of his duties last week, after missing seven straight days of work. This hiatus came after Smith, who had reportedly become dependent on the fame accompanying his column, covered every wine, beer and whiskey in existence. “He would just sit with his head in his hands, for hours at a time,” Cam Parkes, managing editor at The Purple Mustang Gazette, confided. “He sits near me, and I could hear him murmuring different names of alcoholic drinks. Then, one day, he sat up, snapped his fingers and yelled that he ‘got it’—I haven’t seen him since.” Smith, in his constant pursuit of excellence coupled with an insatiable desire for alcohol in any form, transcended the drink realm and moved onto any liquid or semi-liquid that contained alcohol. “Yeah, he just came up one day, filled up a container with the stuff, and took off,” Mike Laine, an

Mole Laine

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attendant at the Esso gas station on Highbury, said. “He came inside to pay—it was only $1.30, but he gave me a $100 bill and told me to keep the change. I was so pumped I didn’t even consider what a guy would want with one litre of gas.” After ingesting and reviewing the ethanol-enriched gasoline, Smith was hospitalized and put into a medically-induced coma for the better part of the week. “Bloop bleep blap,” a comatose Smith replied when asked why he would ever consider ingesting dangerous chemicals. After checking out of the hospital, Smith was forcibly taken to the Peer Support Centre, where he was enrolled in a rehabilitation program. Confined to a room on his own, Smith was forced to detox for several days before being given access to a computer and the Internet. A short while later, he had posted a new blog post, entitled “Sipping with Solitary Smoth.” It was awful, leading researchers to conclude Smith was only a capable writer when under the influence of some sort of alcohol. This was confirmed when a shot of tequila elicited a passionately written literary masterpiece on the importance of having a bottle opener built in to your belt buckle. This, of course, led to the question

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4. Wide Latin Need to print out cheques? Wide Latin is the perfect choice. It will really stretch out your bank account. Bolding is so overrated these days. Instead of putting a bold style to your typeface, why not just use Wide Latin instead? Need to complete that grueling 10-page essay for tomorrow? It’ll be done in a snap with Wide Latin!

3. Papyrus

Coming in at number three, Papyrus gives an extremely cultured and mysterious look to any letter. It’s feeling of nostalgia will certainly

of how Smith could produce such fine work while in the office. “Drinking on the job? I don’t know anything about that,” blustered the editor-in-chief of The Purple Mustang Gazette, Gloria Dickie. “I sit in my office all day, doing very important things. I don’t have time

to watch over every editor out there.” There is currently no scheduled release date for Smith. No members of the USC could be reached for comment. Please send all application materials to editor@purplemustanggazette. ca.

impress. Use on it a résumé or cover letter. Any employer would be happy to see Papyrus appear in your official work. Send an email with it as your default font! Your clients will admire your expertise and know-how. A true all-around font that really has no limits.

send a memo to the boss? Rosewood will get his attention for sure.

2. Rosewood Rosewood is synonymous with good graphic design. For years, famous graphic artists have used Rosewood as their primary font. A bold and confident font, Rosewood creates an atmosphere around whatever work it possess. Creating an album cover? Use Rosewood for the band’s name and the title! Need to

1. Comic Sans Last but not least is my personal favourite, Comic Sans. A font that truly stands out above the rest, it creates an aura of mystique and importance. Want to live the rich and sleek lifestyle? Comic Sans is your font. Used only by the most important and sophisticated designers, Comic Sans can now be used by anyone. Its uses range from wedding certificates, contracts, street signs, billboards and even tombstone engravings! A font that has stood the test of time, Comic Sans is here to stay.


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purple mustang gazette • Thursday, March 28, 2013

WHELAN’S MOVES TOO SICK FOR DANCE PACK

Jacbo Green

I mposter After years of entertaining fans at Mustangs football, basketball and volleyball games, the entire Western Mustangs dance pack has been sidelined with what doctors are calling lower-back injuries. “I’ve never seen anything quite like this before,” Hugh G. Rection, a London doctor, said. “It boggles the mind thinking how this could have happened.” The news came just a couple days after the girls of the dance pack were joined by a very special guest coach—president-elect Pat Whelan. “The dance pack hit a bump with our moves. We needed something fresh to ignite the crowd at games again. So after we saw his unimaginable dance move on University

Students’ Council elections day, the girls and I knew we needed to have it,” Jenn Leigh, assistant captain of the Mustangs dance pack, said. Leigh and the gang asked the president-elect for help and Whelan answered the call. “I thought this would be an incredible opportunity,” Whelan said. “I mean, I have always wanted to be a dancer, but politics kept getting in the way. So being able to teach the dance pack a thing or two is a dream come true.” The results were catastrophic. After Whelan once again displayed his awe-inspiring move, it was time for the dance pack to join in and give it a try. Unfortunately, none of them had the requisite spine and lankiness to pull the move off successfully. Unfortunately for Leigh,

hindsight is 20/20 and she knows what a grave mistake she’s made. “Why did I think this was a good idea?” Leigh exclaimed from a hospital bed. As for Whelan, he doesn’t feel any regret, as he is now able to do the one thing he has wanted to do all along—run the dance pack. “I knew the second I showed my move to the crowd at elections, they would call,” Whelan revealed with a smirk on his face. ”Little did they know, one needs my celestially lanky body to pull off a move of that calibre! Now I will take charge, like only a president can, and run the dance pack until the others are healed.” Make sure to catch the next couple Mustangs games to see Whelan in all his lanky glory entertaining fans with his back-breaking moves.

Donate to the USC! Help us fix our fiscal miscalculations!

The University Students’ Council is proud to announce that, for the 16th consecutive week, the Purple Pipe award for outstanding achievements in sport has been awarded to the USC’s intramural soccer team, cleverly named Adam Fearnall’s Team. Despite losing their last game 3–2, Adam Fearnall’s Team members retained dignity, showing exemplary sportsmanship and earning the PP without a doubt. “It’s a real honour to win again,” Jeremy Santucci, vice-president communications for the USC and team-leading scorer, said. “No matter how many times we earn this award, it’s always special.” The team faced many obstacles in their final game, including what Tony Ayala, vice-president finance and Adam Fearnall’s Teams keeper, described as “the other team kicking the ball really hard into the net.” While the Purple Pipe is traditionally awarded to an individual athlete, the Purple Mustang Gazette could, once again, not come to a decision on who was the best player, and thus awarded the entire team with the honour. “You know, we all played really, really well,” USC president, team founder, captain and star defenceman Adam Fearnall, said. “If I had to choose, I’d have probably given the Pipe to myself, but I’m almost as happy that the whole team got it.” “The Pipe isn’t about winning or losing,” he continued. “We faced adversity, and almost overcame it. If it weren’t for some shitty calls, bad bounces and the other team scoring more goals than us, we almost certainly would have won.” The USC will hold its weekly Purple Pipe Acceptance ceremony in Mustang Lounge tomorrow at noon. “It’s going to be a really special one,” Ayala commented. “What with it being Easter weekend and everything, we figure people will want to start celebrating a bit early. Come one, come all!” Tune in next week to find out who will win the prestigious Purple Pipe.


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purple mustang gazette• Thursday, March 28, 2013

COACH MARSHALL ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT, SWITCH TO STUDENT POLITICS James Leary

I n come T a x C l i n ic C oordi n ator Due to the Western Mustangs football team’s recent string of Yates Cup failures, Coach Greg Marshall has decided to go the way of Bob Vigars and Dave Edwards. On Wednesday, Coach Marshall announced he will be leaving his job as Mustangs football coach for greener pastures. Following his retirement announcement, Marshall revealed his new career path as a University Students’ Council advisor. “Donnie is leaving and who really cares about anyone but the quarterback, so I have decided to join a real winning team,” Marshall said with a nod to president-elect Pat Whelan. “Athletics just was not doing it for me at my age, so I figured I’d try my hand at student politics.” Having both coached and played for the Mustangs during his tenure in London, Marshall believed it was the right decision to make the move from the Kirkley Training Centre to the cozy confines of the University Community Centre. “I was really sick of watching tape in my corner office down by the field—I really wanted a thrill,” Marshall explained. “I know I would rather moderate an 11-hour debate than pore over film of our zone blitzes.” Ironically, Marshall showed up to his press conference in tight red

pants and the belief is Marshall only considered the move once Whelan won the election. “Heck, who doesn’t look good in red,” Marshall said to an applauding group of reporters. Along with giving motivational talks to council, Marshall will be tasked with public relations and bodyguard duty for the 2013–14 academic year. With connections to some of the largest men on campus through his former role, Marshall believes the USC is in good hands.

Athletics just was not doing it for me at my age, so I figured I’d try my hand at student politics. —Greg Marshall Former head coach of the Western Mustangs.

“I think I will add a lot of skills and intangibles to this already-great council,” Marshall said. “Everyone is touting them, saying ‘All hail the USC,’ but really they have only taken the first step toward greatness.” Though counselling the USC is a big career move for Marshall, it does not spell the end of Marshall’s coaching days. “I think I can really be an asset to the USC’s ball hockey team,” Marshall said. “They can’t seem to keep it together against those darn Gazette editors, but really all they need is a strong leader.”


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purple mustang gazette • Thursday, March 28, 2013

purple mustang gazette

Volume 106, Issue 92 www.purplemustanggazette.ca Contact: www.purplemustanggazette.ca Jeremy Santucci Interim Editor-In-Chief University Community Centre Rm. 263 Tony Ayala The University of Western Interim Deputy Editor Ontario Amir Eftekharpour London, ON, CANADA Interim Managing N6A 3K7 Editor Editorial Offices: (519) 661-3580 Advertising Dept.: (519) 661-3579 Purple Mustang Gazette is owned and published by the University Students’ Council.

Editorials are decided by a majority of the editorial board and are written by a member of the editorial board but are not necessarily the expressed opinion of each editorial board member. All other opinions are strictly those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the USC, Purple Mustang Gazette, its editors or staff.

USC coordinators

Dennis Green

Hal Craven

Tom Atoi

Stephanie Wheedon

Edmund Freidrichs

Erin Holmes

Alcoholics

To submit a letter, go to westerngazette.ca and click on “Contact.”

Cam Parkes

All articles, letters, photographs, graphics, illustrations and cartoons published in Purple Mustang Gazette, both in the newspaper and online versions, are the property of Purple Mustang Gazette. By submitting any such material to Purple Mustang Gazette for publication, you grant to Purple Mustang Gazette a nonexclusive, world-wide, royalty-free, irrevocable license to publish such material in perpetuity in any media, including but not limited to, Purple Mustang Gazette‘s hard copy and online archives.

James Leary

Hailey Mills

Veronica Kane

Cam Smith Jason Sinukoff Ryan Stern

Wilfred Pinkton

Moles

USC commissioners

Mole Laine

Gerard Calaway

Imposters

Ursula Ahjoud

Jacbo Green

• Please recycle this newspaper •


Thursday, March 28, 2013