Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Northern Harvard P E O P L E ´ S

D A I L Y

2015 APRIL

01

Issue 96 Obeying our Supreme Leader since 1906

WESTERN UNIVERSITY REBRANDS. BORN AGAIN AS “NORTHERN HARVARD UNIVERSITY” See page 3 for full story

PEOPLE HONOURED TO BESTOW SUPREME LEADER WITH SMALL MONETARY TOKEN Wendy Wow SLAVE LABOURER Supreme Leader of Northern Harvard University, Amit Chakma, requires the assistance of students, staff and faculty.

Last year, only 161 students paid their tuition directly into Chakma’s pocket. Annual salary earnings of $924,000 plus $43,244 in taxable benefits are a meager testament to Chakma’s contribution to Northern Harvard’s quality of education.

Rest assured, a petition is making its rounds professing the

people will not stand for such unjustifiably low compensation.

After all, Chakma’s dedication to the university is reflected in his refusal to take a year of regular salary for not working, and instead choosing to stay and attend more cocktail parties, drum up more alumni funding and rub elbows with more distinguished guests of NHU for just double the money — oh, and a 10 per cent bonus.

Although the same inadequate stipulation has been included in Chakma’s second five-year term extending to June 30, 2019, the people can do better. Students,

staff and faculty are suggesting gifting Chakma a vacation residence in addition to the lavish Gibbons Lodge mansion currently bestowed rent-free so he can enjoy his one month of vacation each year.

Another one of our great leaders, chair of the board of governors Chirag Shah, said it best in a CBC News article when he stated we must “ensure continuity of leadership at a critical time.” And what a critical time it is. Regardless of growing class sizes, shrinking funding for students and an ever-increasing reliance on parttime faculty — doubling Chakma’s

income sends a clear message to the community that Northern Harvard prizes undergraduate quality of education and fiscal responsibility above all else.

Shah reminded us that Chakma “is recognized nationally and internationally as one of the most influential academic leaders in Canada,” — a fact that students will be the first to whole-heartedly acknowledge tremendously impacts their daily lives at Northern Harvard. In addition to paying him more than Prime Minister Stephen Harper and President Barack Obama combined, a transformation of the

University Community Centre into a shrine acknowledging Chakma’s immeasurable value to Western is in the works, scheduled to be completed before his second term is completed and his inevitable contract extension.

Hopefully the people will see the board of governors compensate Chakma more fairly over the course of his next term — heck the administration should gift him the entire 2009–13 university operating budget surplus of $344 million.

Students, faculty and staff certainly won’t care.

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N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Police hailed as heroes in fight against dissidents Gustavo Fring DRUG CONNOISSEUR

Peace, order and serenity prevailed on campus as all teaching assistants were locked inside University College for the weekend.

The order came from Supreme Leader Amit Chakma after the TAs would not desist from their protest shenanigans.

“This behaviour is completely unacceptable at Northern Harvard University. All ungrateful TAs will stay in UC until they stop their tantrums,” Chakma said.

Hoards of screaming TAs were dragged from Concrete Beach to UC by Campus Police.

“Campus Police is prepared to deal with any untoward incident. We recovered seven bongs and a large amount of hashish from the TAs,” said Susan Grindrod, vice-president of justice.

After being locked in UC, several TAs ran up the tower, took their tops off and were heard chanting, “TA lives matter, TA lives matter.”

One TA however, managed to escape and ran down UC hill as Grindrod chased after him. He was

caught soon after at Richmond Gates. The hoodlum was identified as 38-year old political science masters student Jesse Pinkman.

Pinkman was found to be high on methamphetamines and was heard saying, “Where’s my money, bitch?” as Grindrod cuffed him.

Most prominent among the screaming delinquents was TA advocate Lai Z. Winer.

As students gathered around the building expressing their disgust at the unruly TAs, Winer shouted, “Down with Chakma, stop the violence against TAs, je suis TAs.” The reprehensible comment was met with boos and jeers from the onlooking undergraduate students.

University Students’ Council president Matt Helfand was seen giggling at the TAs among the crowd as he glided majestically on his brand new roller skates.

“These rebels without a cause really need to get over themselves.

I was a TA once and I was happy with what I got,” Helfand said. “They act like spoiled children. They want more money, as if the best student experience in the world isn’t enough for these brats.”

Also seen in the crowd was chair of the long-term plan and budget committee and serial post-campaigner Jack Litchfield.

“I have worked hard to set up an ad hoc committee to address the TAs’ concerns. I have worked with the university and I’m a very policy focused guy who loves fencing,” Litchfield said.

With those random comments, Litchfield vanished into thin air, much like in his campaign video earlier in January.

The University has taken various steps in the past to address the TAs’ concerns. They have generously provided a sleeping bag and a weekly can of soup and beans for every four TAs. The TAs are also compensated with free tours of NHU’s campus and goody bags that include peanut butter and Aunt Jemima’s maple syrup.

“We love the TAs like our own children. I just don’t see what the issue is,” said Keith Marnoch, NHU director of propaganda.

“We’re looking into this situation and soon this won’t be a problem anymore. No TA, no problem,” he said.

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•3

N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Rebrand will attract Healthy beaver tail delicacy millions of gullible enjoyed by everyone students to NHU Ian Sest AFRAID FOR JOB Effective immediately, Western University will rebrand itself as “Northern Harvard University.”

The change, announced in a press release yesterday, is intended to recruit top-tiered talent to best reflect the institution’s academic prowess.

“We originally wanted ‘Harvard,’” said President and Supreme Leader Amit Chakma in an interview, “but since that was already taken, we figured we would include ‘Northern’ and put a Canadian spin on the name.”

The rebranding follows NHU being ranked first in a global assessment of pedagogical quality conducted by researchers at NHU. It was followed by Harvard University — now referred to as “the other Harvard” — in second place and the University of Oxford in third.

The rebranding idea originated from the propaganda department, after spending approximately four years and $200,000 to create and implement a change from “The University of Western Ontario” to “Western University.” The infamous 2012 rebranding to Western University brought with it a new visual identity and was met with such extraordinary success that the team considered branching out even more.

“We worked with Hahn Smith Design, a communication and design firm out of Toronto, to create Western’s visual identity and brand,” explained vice-president of propaganda Helen Connell. “And it went so well and we got so much money to be able to do it that when

Mckayla Maroney SUGARY FINGERS

we found out the firm also worked with Harvard to design their brand and make them so well-renowned, we said ‘hey, why not?’ After all, it’s just a design that makes a university important and superior, right? Not actual professors and classes and all that lame stuff.”

While cuts to programs are leaving professors jobless, class sizes are increasing and course offerings are dwindling, this was really the best investment for NHU at this time.

Connell emphasized that geographical technicalities aren’t a worry for her in the name change.

“I know we’re hardly that much more north than the other Harvard, but facts aren’t an issue here — we’re not exactly in western Canada and we changed to Western University so it’s not really something we take seriously.”

E m a i l addresses will be changed to incorporate the new name within the next year or so. And while most students are thrilled to be able to brag about belonging to something that sounds like a really prestigious university, others have a slight problem.

“We literally just went through a massive email migration — and a name change!” said Judy Gomez, third-year student.

“Not that I’m complaining,” she hurriedly clarified with a forced smile, “it’s an absolute honour to attend Northern Harvard University and I couldn’t be happier.”

More details on the rebranding — such as cost, a specific timeline and whether or not it’s entirely legal — are expected at some point in the future when the administration chooses to bestow the press with the honour of that information.

Glorious and brave soph army repels rebellious affiliates Zoe Barnes CATCHING THE SUBWAY The Northern Harvard People’s Soph Army successfully put down another student rebellion by the HBK rebels yesterday afternoon.

Soph Sergeant Disgusting SexStory explained that the army reacted when the rebel groups formerly known as Huron, Brescia and King’s united to recapture the student capital of Saugeen.

“The rebels were attempting to convert students to join the affiliate rebel groups,” he explained.

“First-years were being carried out on shopping carts and lifts fashioned from cafeteria trays as rebels threw empty Four Loko cans at the army, but the rebellion fizzled out as soon as the Northern Harvard People’s Daily sent a reporter on scene.”

First-year student Drake tearfully recounted his ordeal.

“It was utter chaos,” Drake said.

“Students were running and screaming, there were army generals

in war paint and bandanas, and someone even carried two coyote heads into the building as a warning.”

In light of the rebellion, the NH Housing Department is exploring options for increasing Saugeen’s security, such as building a moat around the historic building.

“We recently renovated Delaware with new security features such as body scanners and cavity searches, iron bars across the windows, snipers on the roof and rocket-resistant doors,” said four-star soph general Stupid Drunken-Escapade.

The building also features a panopticon security system where building wardens can supervise students at all times.

In response to the attempted rebellion, the Northern Harvard People’s Soph Army discussed expanding their Thought Police Department to include brainwashing chants, hypnotizing cheer routines and interpretive dance emulations of Northern Harvard’s Supreme Leader.

Students have been lining up en mass in the past few weeks for the BeaverTail truck, serving campus delicious deep-fried goodness from the comfort of Concrete Beach.

But the calorie count was too damn high, at least according to Northern Harvard nutrition manager Ronald McDonald.

“We determined that unhealthy options were not satisfying students who choose to be health conscious — vegans, for example — thus, a change was made to their menu,” McDonald said.

Extensive consultation between the BeaverTail operator and NHU resulted in a deal that would see both entities embrace their brand and incorporate real beaver tail meat into the product. University Students’ Council president Matt Helfand noted this would be a positive step forward to embracing the campus-wide rebranding.

“Northern Harvard implies Canada. When you think of Canada, you think of beavers — or moose, but this is beaver tails not Moose tracks ice cream, ya know — so this is a concerted effort for students to embrace our new identity,” Helfand explained.

Beaver tail meat is a positive step forward as it contains few calories, yet many positive health benefits.

Four ounces of beaver tail meat will constitute a serving from the truck — enough for 200 per cent of one’s daily iron, 175 per cent daily calcium, and zero per cent daily vitamin C. Healthy eating is a priority for Northern Harvard, McDonald said.

“Given the nutritional benefits

that beaver tail meat provides, I can’t imagine how you would want to eat anything else!” he exclaimed.

When pressed about the suitability of animal meat for those who are vegetarian or vegan, McDonald laughed exuberantly, turned off this reporter’s recorder and walked away still snickering.

In speaking to students on Concrete Beach about the new ingredient, some noted that the taste would likely not be enjoyable.

Strangely enough, there were none loi-

tering around the truck eating their beavertail.

Instead, there was much praise for the new composition.

“These are great! I am so happy they decided to incorporate beaver tail meat, it is definitely a sensible choice to have in a confectionary desert!” third-year engineering student Johnny Hardon said.

Second-year English student Michael Litoris was quite enthusiastic.

“I usually have to go to the fantastic health supplement store in basement of the UCC to be healthy,” Litoris said with a smile, “but now I can just eat a beaver tail and know that I’m getting everything I need for the day.”

Despite the good taste, some have raised concern about the ethics of serving beaver tail meat. Speaking on the guarantee of anonymity, an animal rights activist noted Northern Harvard and BeaverTails should not be condoning the beaver hunt.

“The barbaric practises used to hunt beavers — such as clubbing them — are a national shame for Canada. Northern Harvard and Beavertails should be ashamed of themselves. Forty-two per cent of beavers hunted do not fully lose consciousness and are skinned alive,” the animal rights activist said.

In response to these claims, Helfand was quite blunt about the claims of animal cruelty.

“Unsubstantiated. There is no concrete evidence that suggest beavers are not treated right. The beaver hunt is a Canadian tradition and students are proud to be proponents of such a national institutions.”

Since beaver tail meat has been included in the product, BeaverTails has reported business has improved by 63 per cent.

Clearly, Concrete Beach and the BeaverTails truck is the place to be in order to get healthy food on campus.

Braving cold temperatures is justified in order to get your hands on this wonderful product.

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N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Where to get it

I

t’s often said of the extraordinarily well dressed that they “look like a million bucks.”

This adage is especially fitting for our esteemed President and Supreme Leader Amit Chakma.

The above picture, while it might look like some sort of “student protest,” is in fact a sultry still from one of our President’s famous “Amit ‘n Greets,” where the man himself showcases the latest and greatest in corporate fashion.

Clearly, our venerable leader has a sophisticated understanding of power-dressing.

The key is in the shoulders — in the sartorial tradition

Overcoat A classic overcoat with an amusing twist — it’s lined with $100 bills for extra insulation!

Tie From the limited “metrosexual lumberjack” collection of President Chakma’s own clothing brand, this powerful tie goes well with a strong Windsor knot and an offshore bank account.

Shirt Made of a cashmere blend from the chin hairs of an albino Bengal tiger. Estimated to cost about the same as the combined tuition payments of every Western student.

Pants You can’t go wrong with well-fitted, perfectly pressed navy slacks. Is that $924,000 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Charming smile Often found on the faces of those with permanent financial stability and houses the size of an aircraft carrier. Sadly not available at any retail location.

Garret Hop Hop • NHPD

of figures like Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, a strong, broad cut around the shoulders conveys a sense of confidence, purpose and strength. But Chakma, like Atlas, only has such broad shoulders because of the enormous burden he bears.

Few, if any, can imagine the oppressive weight of a million dollars and thousands of annoying students.

The President’s closet (converted from a two-bedroom apartment) is said to house a massive collection of purple ties in various patterns, each one almost as wide as his annual profit margin. Here, his patented Chakma Check™ necktie not only catches the

eye but pummels it into submission afterwards.

The boldness of the tie is beautifully counterbalanced by a traditional, sobering black overcoat, businesslike and efficient to the extreme.

The double-collar spread protects him from any harsh winds and lends him an air of mystery. Like Batman but without the crime-fighting part.

It is impressive, given the President’s daily schedule, that he has time to choose his accessories so carefully. Held securely under his arm is Chakma’s famous chequebook — regular-sized ones did not have enough writing space.

Garret Hop Hop • NHPD

Drake latest celebrity to endorse an NHU educational experience Samuel Jones DRAKE’S PUBLICIST Move over spring, it’s Drizzy season at Northern Harvard University.

It is well known that NHU has been surging in popularity and cultural relevancy. It was only a matter of time before the university started to attract notable applicants.

Drake, née Aubrey Drake Graham, decided to enrol after he had been struggling to figure out what to do with his life now that he has conquered the rap game.

“I thought that having the most top-40 singles of any rapper ever and wheeling Rihanna would have made me happy, but it felt like something was missing,” Graham said.

The Grammy Award winner decided he needed to get an education like he had promised his mother.

“I got rich and famous before I could ever get a post-secondary education,” explained Graham in a half-rapped, half-sung baritone.

“I never had the chance to drop out like Kanye because I never went in the first place.”

When he was investigating prospective universities, he decided he wanted to remain as close to his native Toronto as possible, although staying in The 6 was not an option.

“My mom lives in Toronto and if you’ve heard my music, you know I do stuff that I don’t want my mom to know about. So, like most students, I wanted to get out of town for school,” Graham said.

NHU’s reputation as a 24/7 kegger appealed to Graham. The deal was sealed once he read an article about how much University President Amit Chakma made last year.

“I thought I was rich, but I want some of that Chakma money,” Graham said.

He will be enrolling this coming fall with a double major in creative writing and macking girls. Campus administration has uniformly expressed its delight about the new pupil.

The arts and humanities faculty in particular is overjoyed to welcome

such an accomplished and creative individual.

“He’s going to be an excellent role model for the kids,” said N. O. Jobs, dean of the faculty of arts and humanities. “Everyone’s raps are going to get way better.”

Graham has been visiting campus and he likes what he sees. Growing up as a half-black, half-Jewish young man, Drake feels right at home surrounded

by Western’s proud multicultural community.

“I went to Centre Spot at UCC and they had a Manchu Wok beside a pasta place. It’s beautiful how we can all come together like that — and I got a great lunch,” Graham said.

Besides cracking the books, Drizzy plans on playing on as many intramural teams as possible.

Although he isn’t sure if he will have the time, he hopes to volunteer for The People’s Daily. He has been consistently impressed by the quality and incredible mass appeal of The People’s Daily this year, especially the arts and crafts section.

“That TA article was dope,” Graham said. “Jenny Jay was on fire too!”

When pressed for how he felt about having an employee more famous than himself, People’s Daily Director of Editoral Services Iain Boekhoff expressed that he was relieved to finally have a staff member that is competent in English.

Drake plans on using his studies to help his music get to the next level. He will explore his experience as a mature student on his forthcoming LP. It was supposed to be called Views From the 6, but he’s thinking of changing it to Views From Chakma’s Palace. Drake’s commitment to education has helped him to mature and develop a newfound humility to learn as he prepares his next project.

“My album’s so good that I haven’t even started writing it and your mother and girlfriend already have the lyrics memorized,” said Graham.

Drake plans to hand in the album for one of his assignments so he can get an A+.

•5

N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

8-ball to determine next USC president Dumbledore HOMOPHOBIC HOMOSEXUAL After weeks of uncertainty, the elections committee has finally come to a decision concerning how the University Students’ Council election will be determined.

Typically, By-law 2 is meant to outline the rules of USC elections and campaigning. This year, however, widespread confusion has led the elections committee to abandon the by-law altogether.

“There were just a lot of headings, subheadings and appendices – and don’t even get me started on the commas,” lamented Robin Meeblind, chief returning officer and chair of the elections committee.

Instead, the committee will use a series of “unconventional” means to make important elections decisions.

A magic 8-ball, for instance, will be used to determine the validity of potential campaign violations.

Unfortunately, this method is proving to be time-consuming for the committee.

“I just keep getting ‘ask again later,’ ” said USC governance officer Jack Knauf, who continued to fervently shake the black orb.

“We have tight timelines, limited resources and only one magic 8-ball. How can people expect us to come to conclusions in a timely manner?” he asked.

Other methods the committee will employ to make decisions include a pair of dice, the People’s Daily horoscopes, rock-paper-scissors and a large, spinning wheel that ranges from one to 30 demerit points.

At a recent appeals hearing, both Team Sophie and Team Litchfield were accused of post-campaigning.

In accordance with the elections committee’s new policies, the first candidate to say “not it” would receive the pardon.

“Not it,” velled presidential candidate Sophie Helpard, who proceeded to present the committee with 21 pages of evidence proving she had spoken first.

When asked why he hadn’t said spoken up first, opposing candidate Jack Litchfield explained that, much like his strategy with Team Litchfield’s website, he wanted to “build anticipation and really engage students when the time came.”

In past elections, the committee’s effectiveness has been called into question due to itd lack of resources, time and information.

Now, explained Meeblind, the new policies — many of which are based on childhood games — are so simple that even a USC governance

member can understand and enforce them.

After witnessing the elections committee’s newfound success, other USC bodies are quickly adopting similar strategies.

For example, rather than analyzing financial performance indicators, the USC has simply purchased a large bowl of fortune cookies and intends to let those fortunes guide budget priorities.

“My fortune cookie said, ‘you will travel to exotic places’ – which must mean the USC needs new budget lines for travel and accommodations,” explained vice-president finance Andrew Lalka, who then dipped his cookie in a nearby teacup.

High-ranking USC officials are confident that, with these new pro-

cedures, an outcome to all elections controversies will be found promptly.

“Our goal at the USC is to keep elections as fair as possible, and that means having a committee that’s unbiased, efficient and knowledgeable — we believe these changes accomplish just that,” said current USC president Matt Helfand.

“Besides, I don’t get why people care about these ‘elections’ we have because it’s not like we actually get to decide anything. We just do what the University tells us because they’re always right.”

Behind him, Knauf continued shaking the 8-ball.

Helfand “so over” stolen bike, dons roller skates Hingle McCringleberry BATHHOUSE PATRON University Students’ Council president Matt Helfand has donned a pair of only slightly wussy-looking roller skates following the theft of his beloved bike.

The student government’s top executive will now respond to all your petty complaints scooting along like a burger joint waitress circa 1956.

Helfand had trouble finding adult skates for his size seven feet.

“I actually had to order them from Vietnam to get the right size,” Helfand said.

“I fell down the first few times trying to skate to campus, so I haven’t shaved for three weeks to hide the scars,” he explained with regards to the disgusting, wooly blanket of hair on his chin.

Helfand insisted that in spite of all the drawbacks, he genuinely prefers the skates to his bike.

“They just make tweeting back at the haters so much easier during my morning commute, so I can get about 80 per cent of my work for the day done before I even show up,” he said.

They’ve also done wonders for his actual-work productivity. Students can now find the USC’s Übermensch gliding efficiently around the office, racing back to his desk to respond to emails from angry advocates, students and insignificant local and

provincial politicians.

Still, he misses his bike, which he rode vigorously for five years.

“This is very painful for me to recount,” he said. “I had locked up my bike very innocently in the spot that I tend to at my apartment and when I came back overnight my bike’s wheels and fork were stolen — taken from me!” he said.

Wow, talk about a rough neighbourhood.

“I miss my bike very, very deeply,” he said as a single tear rolled down his check, soon to be snagged by his chin bush.

It’s easy to understand his despair, as our own USC president does not have a driver’s license. That’s right — while he could out-maneuver his political opponents and convince the elections committee that he was not, in fact, a graduate student despite all evidence to the contrary — he cannot drive.

But his new wheels come with some homophobic jeers.

“It’s true I am occasionally called offensive names while skating back and forth to campus, but I’ve ensured that all those individuals have received Ally training with their eyelids forcibly peeled back,” Helfand said.

If you think that sounds brutal, just wait till you hear what he has in store for the individual who stole his precious trike.

“They’ll be forced to bike up and down UC hill 100 times and then

give me back my bike,” Helfand stated.

Helfand further expressed that if the Western president was entitled to a car with the position, perhaps the student president could be awarded a rusty old bicycle as equivalent compensation.

“We’ve lobbied the administration heavily on this issue,” he said.

“It’ll cost them a bit of money, but all those years as their mouthpiece have to count for something, right?”

6•

N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Inspiring Deakin NHU tops all rankings, hairstyle sweeps all credit to our across campus Supreme Leader

The newest trend on campus is “The Deakin,” a hairstyle honouring our deputy to the Supreme Leader, Janice Deakin.

Seen here are notable campus leaders also sporting the Deakin.

Octomom ON MATERNITY LEAVE A recent ranking study conducted by researchers at Northern Harvard University has concluded that NHU is the best at everything.

The study, carefully guided and manufactured by the propaganda department, analyzed 60 areas of NHU and compared the results with other post-secondary institutions within a 6.2-kilometer radius of the school.

Among these areas include proficiency in asking impoverished students for donations, aptitude for putting up giant posters on buildings and President Amit Chakma’s overall satisfaction with how well he can schmooze with rich alumni.

Morty Goldstein, deputy propaganda minister and senior NH egobooster, said that he’s not surprised by the findings.

“We are quite frankly better than every other post-secondary institution. Especially Harvard — our

president makes more than her after all,” Goldstein said.

According to Goldstein, NHU teaching assistants are given seven food stamps per week — more than any other post-secondary institution.

“Our generosity is overwhelming.

When will we ever stop giving?” he said, before laughing and asking a passerby for a donation.

Allison Pietraferrazzana, a teacher’s assistant with an extremely unnecessarily long Italian last name, said she’s thrilled to have the opportunity to live below the poverty line at Northern Harvard.

“What sets Northern Harvard apart from other institutions is the fact that they care about their staff and students and offer services to make their lives easier,” Pietraferrazzana said.

“I can always count on Foot Patrol to walk me home safely to my makeshift tent by the Thames River.”

Of course, NHU would be nothing without support from the

London community. Goldstein credits city hall with their ingenious ideas and selflessness in giving students all that London has to offer.

Sally Jones, London Transit Commission general manager, boasted about how the transit experience enriches the NHU experience.

“Students have the opportunity to make friends while they wait and wait ... and wait for their bus,” she said.

Goldstein said NHU has a 103 per cent approval rating by undergraduate students, more than any other post-secondary institution.

“If someone says they don’t love this university, they’re wrong and definitely not Northern Harvard students.”

Maclean’s University Rankings – #1 QS University Rankings – #1 Times Higher Education University Rankings – #1 LinkedIn University Rankings – #1 Globe and Mail Canadian University Report – #1

Beyonce coming for make-up O-week concert Dr. Who Me TELEPORTING TO THE WEST COAST

*All students, staff and faculty have 10 school days to also change their hairstyle to the Deakin or be expelled.

NORTHERN HARVARD PEOPLE´S DAILY Volume 108, Issue 96 www.nhupeoplesdaily.ca

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The People’s Daily is owned and published by the University Students’ Council.

After an entire year of waiting, first-year students will finally be getting reimbursed for the O-week concert cancelled in September.

In a press release sent out yesterday, the University Students’ Council announced a 20-band lineup will be playing a concert at the Talbot Bowl on Monday, May 11.

Headlining the concert will be Beyonce, Nicki Minaj and Rihanna in a one-time-only triple performance.

“We know first-year students were disappointed that Down With Webster was not able to play during O-Week. We hope by bringing Beyonce, Nicki Minaj and Rihanna to Northern Harvard for a free concert we can make it up to first-year students,” the press release read.

Editorials are decided by a majority of the editorial board and are written by a member of the editorial board but are not necessarily the expressed opinion of each editorial board member. All other opinions are strictly those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the USC, The People’s Daily, its editors or staff.

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Beyonce is looking forward to playing at a university as prestigious as Northern Harvard.

“I am really [excited],” she said via email.

Vice-president student events Sam Kilgour said he was not worried about the concert taking place on a Monday after many first-year students will have gone home for the summer.

“I’m sure students will be totally willing to come back during the summer for this Monday night concert. Thanks to our Supreme Leader Amit Chakma, we will have plenty of parking spaces to accommodate the extra traffic on campus,” Kilgour said.

Our Supreme Leader Amit Chakma has announced that he will be performing “Hey Jude” with Paul McCartney, then going into a 20-minute keytar solo, before a closing fireworks display that will continue for the rest of the night.

Composing & Advertising Ian Greaves, Manager Маја Анјоли-Билић

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People’s Daily Staff 2014-2015 Mohammad Abrar Abdul Hanan, Suhaib Al-Azem, Eric Bajzert, Sarah Botelho, Damon Burtt, Sam Frankel, Devin Golets, Kevin Heslop, Richard Joseph, Drishti Kataria, Sara Mai Chitty, Soheil Milani, Mackenzie Morrison, Amy O’Shea, Kyle Porter, Tristan Wu, Tom Ruess, Samah Ali, Claire Christopher, Rita Rahmati, Julie Hambleton, Brittany Hambleton

News Amy O’Kruk Hamza Tariq Katie Lear Olivia Zollino News-at-large Kevin Hurren Opinions Nusaiba Al-Azem Arts & Life Conrad Floryan Jennafer Freeman Jenny Jay Sports Bradley Metlin Nathan Kanter Robert Nanni Jr.

During the fireworks, Chakma will dance with Katy Perry and Left Shark.

The concert will also include U2 as an opening-band.

While first-year students are generally excited for the concert — especially for the appearance of our Supreme Leader Amit Chakma — they have not had an entirely positive reception to the prospect of U2 being the openers.

The People’s Daily polled five random students, none of who were able to identify any U2 songs or even who the band was.

“This is bullshit. U2 has already forced their way onto our iPhones in September and now they’re forcing their way into our concert,” Chris Martin, a first-year student, said on Facebook.

Martin was not available for comment and has not been seen by any of his friends since. The post has since been taken down.

Associate Megan Devlin Photography Kelly Samuel Taylor Lasota Winnie Lu Graphics Jennifer Feldman Illustrations Christopher Miszczak Kirstyn Culbert-Kviring Graphics/Video Mike Laine Marketing and Recruitment Coordinator Vivian Liu

• Please recycle this newspaper •

•7

N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The People’s Daily asked students what they loved about NHU.

Capsules will increase space in residence so more sardines students can be on campus Shannon Rielly CAUGHT NAPPING

Marsha Yohanson Engineering I “Coming to NHU changed my life. I never thought I could have a divine education but then I stepped into the light of this campus and realized what was possible.”

Xin Zhu “José” Patel-Smith Home Economics III “I have never come across such an accepting and extraordinary campus until I came to NHU! Walking from class to class, I realize how wonderful it is to have such a uniform student body.”

Sarah O’Malley Urban Development III “Did you know that we have the best student experience? Of course you did! We all feel it everyday! Whether it’s attending club meetings where everyone is on the same page, cheering on our winning sports teams or dining in the highclass Saugeen-Maitland Hall dining hall — it’s great!”

Northern Harvard University administration were all smiles today as they announced new renovations plans for all the residences, set to be phased in throughout the next decade.

Beginning this summer with Saugeen-Maitland Hall, residences will be renovated to accommodate the influx of students rushing to enroll after the recent rebranding. Modeled after accommodations found in Japan, Northern Harvard will adopt a capsule hotel format.

“This is an exciting opportunity for us!” Vice-president resources and operations Gitta Kulczycki exclaimed.

“Many have complained in the past about Saugeen’s reputation so now we’re changing it to make it more luxurious and practical for our students.”

Rooms are a thing of the past with this new design; instead students will have a six and a half foot wide, seven foot long and two foot high “capsule.”

The stunning amenities for this new setup will include a personalized television, dust-reducing blinds and a synthetic fibre pillow.

Accommodation in SaugeenMaitland Hall will increase ten-fold.

Approximately a third of campus will have the space to live in the residence, with approximately 12,000 capsules slated to open for the 2015–2016 academic year.

Director of residences Peggy Wakabayashi said these changes will have several benefits for NHU. “Firstly, the convenience of living on-campus will be brought to a larger

number of students. Second, research shows that those who live in residence do better than their off-campus peers by approximately 20 per cent — with others literally surrounding them when they sleep, imagine the learning possibilities through osmoses,” Wakabayashi explained.

Not only will the renovations allow for increased on-campus living but there is also hope that the revamped Saugeen will help reduce any remnants of a party image. Residence staff seems to be on board with this logic.

“You can literally only fit one person in the capsules! How are they supposed to party? Or drink? I won’t have to clean up puke again!” residence don Moira Johnson-Hall shrieked excitedly, then collapsed in a nearby by-stander’s arms in a fit of tears.

Some in Japan have critiqued the capsule hotel format, noting the similarities between morgues. These concerns were dismissed with a flippant hand swipe in the air from Wakabayashi.

“They look like a morgue?” she

17 professors win Nobel Prizes Mohammad Gupta ALSO KNOWN AS RAJ

Jerome Sanders Political Science IV “Fuck Chakma! I stand with the teaching assistants!...cough!...ugh! Stop…someone call SERT… ahhh………………”

DEAR SUPREME LEADER

Your anonymous letters to our dear leader

Dear Supreme Leader, Thank you, Supreme Leader. There is nothing to complain about. All is well. You are truly extraordinary.

Dear Supreme Leader, Thank you, Supreme Leader. Ever since the WSN has disappeared, the campus has been wonderfully quiet and agreeable.

Dear Supreme Leader, Thank you, Supreme Leader. Glory to Northern Harvard University. Long may you reign.

In an unprecedented move, 17 Northern Harvard University professors were awarded Nobel Prizes.

The awards were given to the professors in a glorious ceremony in Alumni Hall by an Albert Einstein impersonator.

Among the recipients was Schulich School of Medicine and Dentistry dean, I. M. Strong.

Strong won the award in the best dean in a supporting role category.

“I have worked really hard to get all the best scientists in the world to come to NHU. Currently, our researchers are working to develop an e-marijuana joint,” Strong said.

According to Strong, NHU leads the way in all research in the world. From weight loss pills to flavoured semen, NHU is way ahead than all other universities.

Queen’s University recently released a statement condemning NHU’s role in taking their funding away.

According to Queen’s principal, Dixie Normous, NHU has employed cheap tactics to steal Queen’s funding.

“We have been trying to get our anti-vax program off the ground and we have no money.

At this rate, Queen’s will have to accept more international students and that’s not acceptable,” Normous said.

“They hate us, cause they anus,” said Willie Stroker, vice-provost academics at NHU. “NHU has the full support of the government because we are doing groundbreaking research.”

Supreme Leader Amit Chakma released a statement on the joyous occasion.

“I am proud today,” read the entirety of the press release.

rhetorically asked, “Hogwash! Students already feel enough stress! Without the wall space, students will not have to go through the excruciating experience of the poster sale — figuring out which ones they like, waiting in line for upward of an hour, subsequently being judged by their peers, etcetera,” Wakabayashi said, seemingly ignoring the original prompt.

While the practical benefits seem to be a benefit for NHU, hotel accommodation expert Woody Beaver noted the financial incentive.

“Capsule formats in Japan have warranted high profit margins for their proprietors; I can’t imagine Northern Harvard’s announced renovations would not result in a similar cash infusion,” Beaver said.

NHU housing is surely not just about the money and, of course, has their student’s best interests at heart.

The renovations to Saugeen-Maitland Hall will surely warrant an increased interest in the residence experience throughout campus.

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N O R T H E R N H A R V A R D P E O P L E ´ S D A I L Y • Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Mustangs win aaaaaaallllllllll the trophies Alice Canrow CAN’T CATCH ME

In an unsurprising turn of events, Northern Harvard varsity sports teams won everything this year.

The news came after the Canadian Interuniversity Sport board of directors wrap-up meeting on Monday, March 30. The main topic of this year’s meeting were the findings of CIS president Janice Deakin, who discovered that every championship game, meet and tournament that the Mustangs were a part of this year they actually won, despite the appearance that sometimes they did not.

“After our women’s hockey team, who have never even made it to

the OUA championships until this year, won both the OUA and the CIS championships, I knew I had to do some investigating,” Deakin said.

Deakin explained that she found it odd that a team that had no previous accolades could win everything, while other NH teams with highly successful pasts, did not. She carefully reviewed the results and spent hours re-watching the games and meets, to discover that every game the Mustangs didn’t win was rigged in the other team’s favour.

There is currently much controversy over her findings, as several of the board members are claiming her research is biased, as Deakin is also the deputy to the Supreme Leader at NH.

Mindy Gap, OUA representative on the CIS International Committee from Queen’s University, is outraged.

“This is absolutely ridiculous!”

Gap said. “There is no way Western could have won everything this year, if it was to be any school it would be Queen’s.”

Though the three vice-presidents on the board will be separately looking into Deakin’s findings, they don’t suspect they will find anything wrong with it.

“As far as we can tell, her methods were sound and the results are not surprising,” said vice-president of sport Shia Labeouf. “Some members are upset, but our theory it’s because it is not their school in this position.”

Our next logo destination is London, Ontario to take a look at Northern Harvard’s own Mustangs!

It was bound to happen, right? The Northern Harvard People’s Daily finally has the opportunity to take a look at our triumphant logo, one that is symbolic of this epoch in this university’s history.

This mustang triumphantly soldiers on forward, marching toward any opponent with such a fervor that would make any other university quiver. Yep, even you McGill! The horse is a tamed beast, the epitome of our philosophy here at Northern Harvard. We can be incredibly powerful but we still remember to stay in line, smile whenever a suspect journalist walks

by and then get on with our work.

Crimson is a colour of passion and the athletes here certainly have bulk qualities of that. Usually when one hopes for large qualities of something, they sacrifice quality along the way but our passion is not off-brand.

Also, the colour doubles to represent the blood of our opponents.

Dramatic? Perhaps. But when we’re done with our adversaries, their lacerations and bruises are the least of their worries. Instead, they must use metaphorical bandages to deal with the damage done to their pride and dignity.

A giant “N,” “H” and “U” represent the initials of our glorious institution. These are best letters

in the alphabet. While they mean “Northern Harvard University,” they could also stand for “No Hate, Underlings” our philosophy for dealing with our administration.

Seriously, do not hate on our overseers. That’s just blasphemous.

Overall, this logo stands out incredibly. To think, many thought we could not top the chart in every category. Yet, certainly not to our surprise, Northern Harvard’s logo eclipses the rest. While students at less amazing institutions like Guelph will struggle to look at their logos with pride, Northern Harvard students can look on with patriotic fervour.

• Diane Sawyer

The banners and trophies are going to be distributed to each of the teams at this year’s NH Athletic Banquet on April 8.

We caught up with a few of the captains and coaches of Western teams for their reactions on the news.

“The guys are all pretty stoked,” said men’s cross country captain Jonah Hill. “To go from 13th to first and take down Guelph, who has won the last nine CIS titles, is an incredible accomplishment. We are all pretty hyped right now.”

Women’s basketball coach Michael Cera is equally as pleased as he is surprised.

“This year we had a young team who fought hard every game.

We were disappointed after our OUA preliminary match against Lakehead, so to find out we actually won the CIS championship despite not having played in either the OUA or CIS tournaments is quite a shock,” said Cera. “Does it make complete sense to me? No, but hey, you don’t argue with a CIS championship banner!”

While Queen’s is submitting an official appeal and demanding the CIS take a closer look at Deakin’s study, the Mustang staff, coaches and athletes will be celebrating the victories.

In response to the allegations that she rigged the study, Deakin had only one comment: “Haters gonna hate.”

“I love having a long frigid commute to class,”

said no Rez student ever.

Because they all catch the 10 or 2 bus.