We Are Family magazine issue 6 by We Are Family magazine

Summer 2014 Issue 6, May-July wearefamilymagazine.co.uk

£3.95 The UK’s first alternative families magazine

Charlie Condou and co

Talk co-parenting, Corrie and adapting to their second child

“I loved carrying my partner’s baby” Couple share their IVF journey

Best in Show

Celebrities and their pets and show off your pooch at Pride

Induced lactation

Two mums breastfeed their daughter

UK surrogacy

A guide for lesbians, and gay mums and dads tell their stories

yle • Health • Recipes • Advice Planning Families • Parenting • News • Lifest

WHAT ARE Y Government research shows that there are around 3.6 million lesbian and gay people in the UK. We Are Family magazine is the only UK publication aimed at every family unit with an LGBTQ member: why would you advertise anywhere else? For full information on advertising in We Are Family magazine contact: Niall, niall@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk or call 0779 036 9121 Claire, claire@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk or call 0747 558 0800

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magazine is available via subscription as well as being distributed to GP surgeries, health centres, LGBT book stores and other specialist outlets throughout the UK.

Editor’s Letter

Welcome Editor/publisher Hannah Latham editor@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk Business advisor Darryl W Bullock enquiries@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk Design Daniel Penfold design@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk Sub-editor Beccy Golding Advertising sales Niall Milligan niall@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk Contributors Jackie Briggs, Barb Daveson, Shaun Dellenty, Harriet Doyle, Fiona Faulkner, Paul Gittins, Megan Miller-Golding, Helen Priddle, Steph Mann, Jess Rotas, Helen Smith, Jamie Taberer, Penny Ward. Cover photo Thanks to Charlie Condou and family Sarah Wheeler sw12photography.com Photography Mark Simmons

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Enquiries To advertise in We Are Family magazine please contact Niall Milligan ads@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk For editorial enquiries please contact Hannah Latham editor@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk For all other enquiries please contact, enquiries@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk

We Are Family Magazine Ltd.

In our Planning Families section we’ve got some great stories showing how lesbian and gay parents are forging new pathways to parenthood. First up a lesbian couple who used induced lactation and both breast-fed their daughter. What a great way to share the parenting and be equal parents from the start. I can see why the lesbian community are becoming more aware of this option (p10).

Mark Simmons

Issue 6: Summer 2014

Do you have a busy summer ahead of you? Make sure you find time to read our fabulously packed issue of We Are Family magazine.

We have another inspiring sharing story from Purdey and Maddie; they used intra-partner donation through IVF - in other words Purdey carried Maddie’s egg. It wasn’t all plain sailing but they’re now a happy family and looking forward to swapping roles for baby number two (p18). Research suggests that using this method could improve the chances of IVF success – find out why from Helen Priddle of Centre for Reproduction & Gynaecology Wales who gives lesbians some advice on how to choose clinics (p20). For dads-to-be, our new columnist Paul Gittins explores surrogacy in the UK. Paul and his partner have signed up with a not-for-profit agency and are about to start the search for a surrogate themselves (p16). You’ll also find an interesting story about Helen Smith, who has created UK-wide anti-natal classes which are fully inclusive of same-sex parents (p14). We also interview Sarah Garrett of Square Peg Media, lesbian mum and fantastic role model for our community. Sarah talks about her experience as a parent and starting The Alternative Parenting Show (p13). Moving on to our Parenting section; we spent a few hours with Coronation Street actor Charlie Condou and his family – a busy co-parenting unit of five. Charlie, his partner Cameron and their friend Catherine get candid about how they make coparenting work and find their way through tricky parenting moments, and Charlie looks back at the disappointing bi-phobic backlash when his character Marcus Dent had a relationship with a woman (p22). Keep the kids busy this summer with some low-cost and free sports activities and festivals (p28), and try some unlikely flavour combinations (such as avocado ice cream!) with our resident family chef Fiona Faulkner (p30). This issue we hear from a lesbian couple who’s foster son has Asperger syndrome, and we explore the autism spectrum and how to get a diagnosis (p34). Summer is also all about Pride and we pay homage to some very important members of the family – our four legged friends – in our Community section. Proud of your pooch and wanna show it? See if Rex can impress the judges at a Pride dog show (listings p38), then read all about our favourite celebrities, who are all about their canines (p43).

Hannah Latham, Editor

159 Somerset Road Bristol BS4 2JA Tel: 07780 651075 Company no: 08174975

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What’s In

Contents Up Front: Latest news and events

News

This issue the activity at this year’s Eurovision, Nintendo not recognising same-sex marriage and a new online resource for LGBTQI families.

Events

A round-up of family-focused Pride events and get Out With The Family to Legoland this summer.

Review

Barb Davison of pinkfamilies.com looks at British-made film Lilting, about grief, and not coming out to your parents within the context of cross-cultural relationships.

Planning Families

From surrogacy to IVF, exploring routes to parenthood for the LGBT community. This issue we have a new column on UK surrogacy, plus advice for lesbians on choosing a clinic.

Cover Story: Induced Lactation

A lesbian couple who want to be equal parents from the start go through inducing lactation and share breast-feeding their daughter.

Advertorial: The Contented Calf cookbook

Delicious recipes that help breast-feeding mums increase milk production.

Interview: Sarah Garrett, The Alternative Parenting Show

Successful business woman and mother of twins, Sarah talks about her experience as a lesbian parent, starting the show and representing LGBT parents.

Advertorial: Helen Smith, Babynatal

Helen talks about her personal experience of anti-natal classes and starting UK-wide classes inclusive of same-sex parents.

New Column: Journeys to Parenthood: UK surrogacy, part 1

Paul and Bryan want to start a family. Paul explores their journey so far and taking the first steps to do surrogacy in the UK.

Cover Story: Making Tayt

Technically known as intra-partner donation, Purdey carried Maddie’s egg so they could get as close to making a baby together as possible. This is their IVF story.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Head of embryology at the Centre for Reproduction and Gynaecology Wales, Helen Priddle, explains what lesbians need to be asking clinics so they can make the best choice for fertility treatment.

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What’s In

Summer 2014 Parenting

Exploring our unique experiences as LGBT parents. Actor Charlie Condou on co-parenting, low-cost kids activities and autism explained.

Daddy, Muma and Wawa

Coronation Street actor Charlie Condou, his partner Cameron and their friend Catherine explore what makes co-parenting work, and bi-phobia that came from the gay press around Charlie’s on screen character falling for a woman.

Fun In The Sun

Free summer activity programmes for kids across the UK.

Food with Fiona Faulkner

Author of 25 Foods Kids Hate and How to Get Them Eating 24 serves up some special summer treats.

Parenting a Trans Child, part 5

Squiggles goes through the official channels to change his name.

The Rewards of Fostering

One couple find their foster child a handful, but then he’s diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.

Health: Autism explained

The National Autistic Society explains the spectrum and diagnosis.

Community

Exploring LGBT identity through the wider family. This issue our pets take centre stage and a lesbian granny reflects on her feminist past.

Doggy Pride

Are you proud of your pooch? Here’s our roundup of Pride events where you can put little Foo Foo up against the rest in a dog show.

Doggy Care plus Celebs & Their Pets

Products to keep your dog trim, slim and on the ball, plus quotes from lesbian and gay celebrities who are ga ga about their four-legged friends.

From Lesbian Feminist to Gay Granny

Penny Ward’s relationship with her granddaughters stirs up reflections to when her sons were small and she came out.

The Consulting Room

Two parental problems are addressed by Deputy Head teacher Shaun Dellenty and Jackie Briggs from Families Together London.

Unsung heroes!

The life of military surgeon James Barry who was born a woman.

Community contacts

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Up Front

News Same-sex marriage, Northern Ireland

Picture: Amanda B H Slater

The Northern Ireland Assembly has rejected the same-sex marriage motion for the third time in 18 months. Northern Ireland is now the only part of the UK which has not introduced a law allowing same-sex marriage.

Eurovision song contest In the lead up to the competition Belarus had called for Eurovision to be cancelled, or at least edited; a Russian politician condemned the competition as a “sodom show” which displayed “spiritual decay”, but the popular tide proved to be against them and the countries of Europe voted in droves for a lady with a beard. Austria’s entrant, Conchita Wurst (off-stage the performer is gay singer, Tom Neuwirth, who describes himself as a man, and Wurst as a female character he plays), with her song ‘Rise Like a Phoenix’, was the decided victor, winning more than 50 points ahead of second placed Netherlands. Vladimir Putin’s anti-gay laws did not go down well with the audience,

with Russia’s entry, The Tolmachevy Sisters, greeted by boos from the audience and a show of rainbow flags. Speaking at a press conference following her win, Conchita said: “I felt like tonight Europe showed that we are a community of respect and tolerance.”

Student study Research released by the National Union of Students (NUS) reveals that one in five LGB students, and a third of transgender students, have experienced some form of bullying or harassment on campus. The Students’ Union has called on UK institutions to introduce LGBT-specific zero tolerance policies. A focus group with trans students found that the main difficulties faced on campus are the lack of gender-neutral toilets and facilities, the lack of policies in place to update names and genders in the student register, issues with university security services, as well as the prevalence of transphobia.

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Ugandan gay trial In May a Ugandan court began its trial of two men accused of engaging in gay sex. This marks the first trial of homosexuals since severe legislation was passed earlier in the year. Although Uganda has had anti-gay laws in place since colonial times the new bill, passed in February, increased criminal penalties to life in jail. Government officials have described western pressure – which has included withholding or cutting in aid to the country – as blackmail.

Nintendo has apologised for not recognising samesex relationships in their life simulation game Tomodachi Life. The game revolves around relationships you build with other virtual characters. Characters can become friends, date, and get married – as long as one is a male and the other female. Following an international social media campaign the games company has promised to be more inclusive of virtual equality in the future.

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Up Front

Take a look at Pink Families, a great online resource for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or intersex families, which started in 2013. “We founded the site after realising how difficult it was to find reliable information written for families with LGBTI members and knowing that many families experience considerable discrimination. It was launched in the midst of the international marriage equality debate,” says Mel Rumble who started the resource with her civil partner, Dr Barbara Daveson. “Our aim is to provide useful and credible information written primarily for LGBTI families. We don’t exclude other types of families. We want pink families to be a resource to help all families – no matter their shape, size or make-up – to be healthy, proud and informed,” says Daveson. “Because we recognise that families are different yet the same, we cover a broad variety of topics, including fertility treatment – which is probably the most common way that lesbians get pregnant in the UK – adoption, surrogacy, childhood development, education, relationships, older age and palliative care,” she says. Subscribe to their newsletter and you’ll receive regular articles, latest news and resources, tips, videos and research updates. As an organisation totally in line with what we strive for, Pink Families get a huge thumbs up and family hug from We Are Family magazine!

www.pinkfamilies.com www.facebook.com/PinkFamilies @PinkFamilies (Twitter)

Pink Families Healthy, Proud, Informed

Events Stonewall’s 25th Anniversary Party Friday 13th June, 7pm-3am The Roof Gardens, Kensington, London £70 Join Stonewall in celebrating their 25th anniversary this summer. Raise a glass to mark all that has been achieved over the last quarter of a century and help raise funds to continue Stonewall’s vital work for LGBT equality worldwide. There will be live entertainment, fireworks and celebrity guests. The ticket price includes a glass of bubbly, a two-course BBQ and entry to the club night afterwards, where you will be able to dance the night away. There will be a silent auction and raffle. Money raised will go towards Stonewall’s international work supporting activists in countries where LGBT people are denied fundamental human rights. Tickets are available from www.stonewall.org.uk or contact reiko.murray@stonewall.org.uk or 0207 593 1875

Out with the Family: Legoland Adventure Sunday 13th July Legoland, Windsor Adult tickets £30/children £20 (children under three go free) Coach from London Baker Street area. £15 per person (9am-5pm) Out with the Family offers a series of events aimed at LGBT families and their straight allies. They aim to create a safe and inclusive space where children of LGBT parents can play and engage with others in similar circumstances and parents can discuss issues in a safe and supportive environment. Tickets include access to Legoland Windsor from 10am until close, full use of rides and attractions and a barbeque lunch. For more information email: fiona@squarepegmedia.com www.outwiththefamily.co.uk

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Picture: Dave Catchpole

Worldwide online resource for LGBTI families

Family Pride

Up Front

Many Pride events and summer festivals have dedicated family areas. Here are a few for your diary.

Bristol Pride Saturday 12th July

Bristol Pride invites you to celebrate with the whole family in their dedicated Family Area. Introduced in 2011, the Family Area is quickly becoming one of the busiest and most popular draws to the city’s celebrations, providing the opportunity for LGBT parents and parents of LGBT children to come together to network and socialise. Staff will be on hand with craft activities and giant toys. Amongst the entertainment on offer there will be magicians, face painters and balloon artists – everything to keep kids happy all day.

There will also be stalls from service providers and support groups, such as Bristol City Council’s Family Placement Team and South Gloucestershire Family Placement, and the area will provide a safe and welcoming play space for younger festival-goers. Keep an eye on the programme for a special event children can take part in taking place in the Pop Magic Performance Tent. This was yet to be confirmed when we were going to press. www.pridebristol.co.uk

Blackpool Pride

Saturday and Sunday 14th and 15th June There will be a children’s area organised by qualified staff at The Monty Youth & Community Organisation CIC. The Family Area will be in the Spanish Hall – separate from the main adult entertainment areas – at the Winter Gardens and will cater for children and young people of all ages. All those organising and volunteering to help in this dedicated area will be CRB/DBS checked. There will be full, secure crèche facilities for under 2s, for 2-5 year olds and for 5-12

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Manchester Pride Friday 22nd-Monday 25th August At the time of going to press, much of Manchester Pride’s plans were still under wraps. However they will be offering an LGBT Family Fun Day in Sackville Gardens at a date yet to be confirmed. Keep an eye on their website for further announcements. www.manchesterpride.com

year olds. Organisers promise a fantastic line-up of free family entertainment, including dance acts, singers and more. To finish the event there will be a children’s version of ‘Pride’s Got Talent’ with prizes on offer for winners and runners up.

www.blackpoolpridefest.com

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Northern Pride Saturday 19th July

Now in its second year, the Family Zone is a safe, welcoming, fully inclusive space which will offer an extensive range of activities for parents and children alike. This year’s line-up will include everything from sensory toys, puppets, percussion instruments, dressing-up clothes, sandpits, water, bubbles and story-telling. There will be circus workshops and performers, a magician, and craft and musical activities, including sing-a-longs! Following last year’s massive demand, there will be a whole team of face-painters. All of the activities (apart from face-painting) are free of charge. Children of all ages are welcome with an adult, children over the age of 12 are welcome in the Youth Zone without an adult. www.northern-pride.com

L Fest

Friday 18thMonday 21st July L Fest pride themselves in giving their young festival-goers as much to look forward to as the adults. Activities will include arts and crafts, a music zone, computer games, films, outdoor sports, a bouncy castle, drama and dance workshops. Whilst you enjoy the evening entertainment on offer, children can be left with the childminding service from 8pm-1am. Book your children in advance to guarantee a space. Under 16s can attend L Fest free of charge. www.lfest.co.uk

Totnes Pride

Saturday, 6th September Totnes Pride returns for its second year with grand plans to build on last year’s family-friendly ethos. There will be no hiding away the children, or indeed hiding from them, say organisers – families are as much a part of the festivities as anything else. There will be a clay room with a selection of craft activities, face-painting and more to be confirmed.

www.proud2beproject.org/proud2be-totnespride-2014

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Up Front

Reviews Film

LILTING in cinemas August 8th, certificate TBC. Film London in association with BBC Films and Stink, Sums Film & Media. Grief is a funny thing and a topic many people shy away from. It can isolate us as we try to make sense of who and what we’ve lost; while we try to cope with our intense feelings, it can be difficult for us to be around other people. Yet at the same time it can make our bonds with others stronger; stronger with those that still remain as we continue to make sense of the one we’ve lost, and ruminate and discuss decisions that were made while they were alive. In essence, this is what Lilting is about. Set in London, the film explores these themes through the relationship of grieving Cambodian-Chinese mother, Junn, played by Cheng Pei Pei (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) and her son’s boyfriend, Richard, played by Ben Whishaw (Skyfall, Brideshead Revisited). Although riddled by grief himself, and despite language and cultural barriers, Richard reaches out to Junn, even though she doesn’t know that he was her son’s partner. Through their complex relationship the film examines a range of cross-cultural topics. It looks at older age, cross-cultural experiences of homosexuality, the issue of small family units going through losing one of their members, sexuality between people living in residential care settings, and the feelings of acute loneliness and isolation that first-generation migrants can experience. Lilting also explores a dilemma that many LGBT people face: feeling the need to protect your relationship with your parents by avoiding coming out to them, but in the process compromising opportunities for allowing your same-sex partner to become part of your family. The film also looks at a topic that is particularly relevant to many of us given the rapidly ageing populations around the world: working out how best to protect and look after our ageing parents. Directed by Hong Khaou (Summer, Boy Crush), Lilting opened this year’s BFI Lesbian and Gay Film festival. The film is beautifully shot, creating a distinctive atmosphere that stayed with me long after leaving the cinema. Cheng Pei Pei is outstanding as she captures the intensity of a mother’s grief, and Ben Whishaw, whose character builds a bridge despite such a huge loss, delivers a poignant, heartfelt performance. There is also strong support from Andrew Leung playing the son, Naomi Christie, the translator called in to help Junn and Richard communicate, and Peter Bowles, who plays Junn’s romantic interest. I found this film wonderfully affirming, as it spoke about topics often not discussed. Expect to come away feeling moved and uplifted by this quietly understated yet powerful gem. Reviewed by Barb Daveson, www.pinkfamilies.com

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Planning Families

Equal parenting:

new moves in breast-feeding One lesbian couple explain how having both mothers breast-feed was such a positive way to start their parenting journey.

Jane*, 30 and Sarah*, 34, have just finished weaning their daughter Lily*, now 8 months old. As a lesbian couple who wanted to be equal parents from the start they both breast-fed Lily from birth. When Sarah was pregnant they heard about the concept and popularity of induced lactation with lesbian couples in Sweden. With both mothers breastfeeding, they share the task of meeting the demands of a newborn and can both start bonding with the baby from early on. The couple decided to give it a try. Sarah planned two months off work after the birth, combining paternity leave with annual leave – making it logistically possible. A woman who has not carried a child can create a milk supply as long as she has working mammary glands. Induced lactation is more common in the USA but is known about in the UK in the context of adoption (breast-feeding can help adopted babies and young children who have attachment issues), re-lactation (when a woman is forced to stop breast-feeding due to illness or other unforeseen interruptions), surrogacy (when a mother who has used a surrogate to carry her child wants to breast-feed) and wet nursing. However now lesbian communities are hearing about it, and some are attempting it. Jane found The Newman-Goldfarb Protocol online – an American method used to induce lactation. It is possible to induce a milk supply simply using a breast pump but it’s not easy to achieve a decent supply without the assistance of drugs. Jane’s best chance of success was to go on the combination pill, providing the oestrogen and progesterone needed to build breast tissue. A month later she would come off the pill and go onto domperidone, an anti-emetic (anti-sickness) drug which has a side effect of increasing lactation, then start breast-pumping regularly with an electric breast pump. Timing this to just before Sarah was due to give birth, Jane planned to put their baby Lily onto her breast at three days old (allowing Sarah’s primary milk supply to come in first), stimulating milk flow and building her supply. Jane ran the Protocol past her GP who prescribed the pill and verified that it was safe to take domperidone whilst breast-feeding, and she started the process six weeks before their due date. “I was pumping for about 20 minutes,

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Planning Families four or five times a day. It seemed like nothing was happening. It was quite dispiriting but then, after a week, a drop of milk appeared!” Slowly her supply increased, and after about a month Jane was producing about 25mls from each breast each time she pumped. Lily was born in hospital and was put on Sarah’s breast at 20 minutes old. Then Sarah needed stitches, which took some time. While this happened Lily was crying so Jane put her to her breast and the baby fed without a problem. On their first night at home Sarah’s milk had not come in yet and despite her feeding and feeding Lily was screaming with hunger. Jane fed her and she went to sleep. “We were really happy that Lily got what she needed and that was that,” Jane recalls. “This is a great success story,” says Emma Pickett, a lactation consultant in London and breast-feeding counsellor with The Association of Breast-feeding Mothers. “It’s hard work to get a full milk supply built up with induced lactation. It takes a lot of physical and emotional commitment.” Emma has many lesbian clients and has advised a few couples on induced lactation, but none have managed to follow it through. “One of the fears is that the birth mother’s milk supply is threatened in the first six weeks. But there’s no reason why you can’t protect her milk supply by expressing using a breast pump.” Luckily, once it came in, Sarah’s milk supply was strong. Because breast milk production is based on demand the couple carefully maintained both their milk supplies by balancing the feeds. “I’d feed Lily first,” says Jane, “then if she was still hungry I’d pass her to the big guns!” As Lily got older Jane’s milk supply would not sustain a full feed but was enough to comfort her. This meant Sarah could get good stretches of sleep at night and breaks in the day, so neither parent suffered the extreme sleep deprivation common with having a newborn. “We feel that our start to parenthood was easier than it might have been,” says Sarah. The couple found responses from other people were varied. Their midwives had never come across the concept of induced lactation before and avoided engaging with it. But midwives knowledge and expectations vary considerably and many others would have been open to it. “I would be doing a lot of signposting, says Judy*, a midwife in the southwest who has practised for 30 years, and has come across induced lactation before. “To me it seems like a really obvious thing to do – share the parenting. So many men say, ‘I wish I could breast-feed the baby. All this burden is on her, I want to take some of it away.’”

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At first Jane found it tricky explaining to her boss that she needed to pop away from her desk to pump in the lead up to the birth. “Once he understood he was supportive,” she recalls, “some friends and family admitted they felt uncomfortable about us both breast-feeding at first but didn’t say so until they were over it.” “We’ve had loads of supportive and positive reactions from other parents,” says Jane. “The main attitude has been ‘I wish my husband could breast-feed too, I’m so jealous!’” The couple plan to have another child, and Jane will carry this time. “I’d really like Sarah to breast-feed too. I did half the nights – that one is going to come back! I’d much rather share that role and have the help.” Jane and Sarah are now both equally bonded to Lily. “She doesn’t express a preference about who she goes to for comfort,” says Sarah. “This was one of several strategies that we put in place in order to try and make sure Lily has two primary parents and it worked well. It’s been great for me and lovely seeing Jane and Lily also bond from the start.” n *Names and locations have been changed to protect identities.

FFI All breast-feeding support services will be able to advise on induced lactation. Newman-Goldfarb: www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/ induced_lactation/gn_protocols.shtml Emma Pickett:

emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com NCT: www.nct.org.uk The Association of Breastfeeding Mothers: www.abm.me.uk La Leche League: www.laleche.org.uk

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Advertorial

Contented Calf Cookbook booklet, making breast-milk promoting cooking even more accessible than before!

Recipes for breast-feeding-friendly meals are now available on Kindle, Iphone or Ipad.

Also available from Contented Calf, Earth Mama Angel Baby® Milkmaid Tea is blended with 100% Organic traditional herbal galactagogues² and minerals traditionally used to help support healthy breast milk production.

Breast-feeding can be demanding of your energy levels; on average a lactating mother will burn between 300-500 calories a day producing milk. Eating sufficient calories and getting an abundant supply of nutrients is also helpful for good lactation. Inspired by a friend’s quest to improve her milk supply, and her discovery of ‘lactogenic¹ foods’ (foods that aid plentiful, nutritious milk-production), Elena Cimelli created this unique cookbook with food writer Jassy Davis which gives new parents a onestop collection of delicious, lactogenic meals, snacks, drinks and treats. First published in 2011, multi-award-winning The Contented Calf Cookbook aims to supply nursing mothers with a range of nourishing and convenient recipes that help promote milk production. Many of the recipes can also be easily prepared in advance and stored in the freezer – ideal for time-poor parents!

Contented Calf Cookbook £14.99, ebook £7.99, Sneak Peek Recipe Booklet, £2.99 www.contentedcalf.com ¹Lactogenic and ²Galactagogues are terms applied to foods & herbs that help stimulate lactation by helping to increase the levels of prolactin in the bloodstream. Lactogenic foods contain agents that interact with and support the chemistry of lactation. Lactogenic agents include tryptophan, natural plant sedatives, polysaccharides, fatty acids, saponins and plant sterols, among others.

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Planning Families

Proud parent Sarah founded G3 magazine and co-owns Square Peg Media with her ex-partner Linda Riley. They’re widely known for positively representing the LGBT community with their magazines, diversity events and The Alternative Parenting Show. Here she talks about her experience of having twins seven years ago, why her and Linda started The Alternative Parenting Show, and her latest venture Out With The Family – regular networking events for LGBT families. “We went for treatment with donor sperm when the laws had just changed so donor kids could find their biological fathers at 18. There was hardly any donor sperm available because of it.

Lesbian mum of twins, Sarah Garrett, is also a successful businesswoman working to represent the LGBT community. She talks To We Are Family magazine about parenting, her Square Peg Media work and flying the flag for LGBT parents.

I had three attempts at insemination and thought ‘I’m infertile’ and had one attempt at IVF. I’m obviously not infertile because we had twins! I was 31. I think because we’re told from an early age ‘don’t do anything – you’ll get pregnant’ you think it’s quite easy, but realistically you have less then a 20% chance of getting pregnant with insemination. I had this instinctive feeling I was going to have twins. We found out at the six-week scan. They said there’s two heartbeats and we were like ‘Oh my God, it’s a mutant baby!’ Linda nearly fainted. You do find a lot of same-sex parents with twins. It’s much harder with twins to start with but once they get to two years old I’d say it gets easier – they’re like best mates. And you’ve got it all over with – I don’t have the pressure to go through pregnancy again. I’ve spoken to people who were lesbian and gay parents 30 years ago. There just

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wasn’t the option to be visible at all. That was a totally different climate. I go to the park in London and see gay guys walking with their strollers. There are so many more gay parents now. It’s so nice to see. Obviously law changes have helped but the public’s perception in certain areas is still a decade behind with the acceptance of gay people. I live in a bubble in London. I made quite a conscious decision to be quite open about it but you shouldn’t have to have that responsibility to be an advocate. We started The Alternative Parenting Show because people were asking us just generally about LGBT parenting. ‘What’s the best way to do this?’ ‘What do you think about the law changes with this?’ There was just no information out there for same-sex parents or lesbian and gay people looking to co-parent. There are so many different implications for LGBT people becoming parents depending on what route you take. The atmosphere is great – it’s really exciting. Out With The Family has backing from the Royal Bank of Scotland and the Royal Air Force. It’s a massive step forward – I don’t think corporates would have backed LGBT stuff before. That’s really helped us to put on the events. It’s really nice to see places like London Zoo want to be associated with us. It shows times have changed!” The Alternative Parenting Show, London, Saturday 20th September. www.alternativeparenting.co.uk See page 7 for info on the next Out With the Family event.

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anti-natal classes After personal experience that left Helen and her partner feeling excluded from their anti-natal class, she now works with Babynatal offering classes inclusive of same-sex couples. “In 2011, my partner Nicky and I had a baby boy. During our pregnancy we attended antenatal classes, and whilst the classes were incredibly informative, we found that as a same-sex couple, we were left a little on the outside. Other members of the group didn’t quite know how to identify with us - my partner in particular. The other birth mums were more interested in asking how we had conceived. During group work my partner was placed with the dads and they had no idea how to relate to her. The teacher did her best to include us, but we felt she lacked insight into same-sex parenting. Our experience showed us that there was a lack of classes really inclusive of same-sex couples. I wanted to do something about that! Shortly after the birth of our son, I was looking for a new career. My passion for antenatal care and same-sex couples lead me to BabyNatal – a completely inclusive antenatal education programme for all expectant parents and anyone involved in the care of a new baby, running across the UK. I had lots of chats with founders Steph and Dean about their programme and soon after I trained with BabyNatal and am now part of the team. Steph and Dean agreed that specialised training around working with same-sex couples was an area missed in the past, and were more than happy to include it to their expanding programme of courses. All our teachers will undergo training in meeting the needs of same-sex couples, promoting an inclusive approach to antenatal training. Classes can be run as exclusively LGBT or as a mixed group.

Babynatal offers Practical Baby Care Course A fun workshop covering key topics including baby care basics, safety, parenting choices, calming and cues, parental roles.

Baby Colic & Calming Workshop Covering colic, reflux, constipation, wind and excessive crying.

Baby Sleep Workshop Discussing your expectations/experiences of sleep in the first 6 months, learning how babies sleep, what is ‘normal’ and get the latest safety recommendations.

Twins Practical Baby Care Workshop

First Aid for Parents & Carers Fully accredited by the Association of First Aiders, the UK’s largest first aid association.

If you would like to join the natal family and help us share our passion for allinclusive anti-natal training, just visit our website.” Helen Smith, Babynatal Trainer.

BabyNatal is not about selling you a certain way of caring for your baby – our classes are unbiased with leaders available to support you to explore your options, to learn skills and decide how you want to care for your baby.

As parents of twins you may be feeling a variety of things – happiness, surprise, anxiety – all these feelings are normal. Start to prepare for life with two babies.

Booking is easy. Just go to our website and search for a trainer in your area.

www.babynatal.co.uk

BabyNatal classes are run by experienced parents accredited by the Federation of Antenatal Educators, and whose professional training includes insight and education specifically relating to the non-birth-parent experience and perspective.

Developmental Baby Massage Developmental massage and sensory play classes for babies and their parents.

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If you dream of having a baby and need IVF give yourself the very best chance We offer donor insemination treatment, IVF with donor sperm or treatment through a known donor. Our egg sharing programme provides free IVF treatment for women who are under 35 years old and qualify as egg donors

Tel: 0207 616 6767 carefertility.com/London Our London clinic: CRM CARE London, Park Lorne, 111 Park Road, London, NW8 7JL

Planning Families

Journeys to parenthood:

UK surrogacy part 1

In the early stages of planning their family, Paul explores the emotions that emerged as he and his partner Bryan decided to do surrogacy in the UK

Paul Gittins, 35, and Bryan Payne, 38, live in west Essex. “The decision has been a long time coming for us. We’ve been together for 14 years and from very early on Bryan talked about expanding our family to include children. It has been a topic of discussion since. When we became godparents, we talked about it. When a nephew or niece’s birthday or Christmas came around, we talked about it. We pretty much managed to talk about it every time we passed a Baby Gap! For Bryan it’s a fundamental need built into his very fabric. I was reluctant for a long time; not that I don’t want to have a family (I really do!) but I was always scared about how it would change our lives. I still am a little bit, but we both agree that the time is right. We quickly established that adoption isn’t for us right now – we want to be biologically connected to our children. We also decided that we wanted to have a child between the two of us rather than sharing the responsibility as coparents.

Which left surrogacy. We explored international surrogacy and were definitely attracted by the process in the US, but financially it just isn’t a possibility at the moment. We had some moral concerns and reservations about some of the other countries that offer “surrogacy packages” (someone actually used the phrase “have a baby for the price of a second hand car….”). In the end we felt that the process is going to be difficult enough without introducing cultural, language, legal and distance barriers into the mix on top. Not to mention the prospect of being on our own for months, in a different country, trying to bring up a new baby. So we decided on domestic surrogacy. We quickly realised what we are about to do is huge, complicated and difficult. The UK isn’t the easiest place to go through surrogacy. The legal framework is in its infancy; brokered surrogacy arrangements are illegal in the UK and the birth mother – whether biologically related to the child or not – is seen as the legal parent, which means a number of court visits to secure a parental order, which can take around six months. There are big restrictions around how surrogates and intended parents can come together. Plus there just aren’t many amazing women willing to be altruistic surrogates in the first place – it’s a huge undertaking for someone when you think of the whole process from testing and IVF, the pregnancy, the birth and then handing over a child you’ve carried for 9 months. We also decided on gestational surrogacy; using an anonymous egg donor to create our embryo before it is implanted into the womb of the surrogate. We felt that from an emotional perspective, it would be better for all of us to have no genetic link with the surrogate and the baby.” n

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Looking to start a family? Here at CRGW we are proud to help create Alternative Families If you are happy to share your eggs or sperm with other families, you may be eligible to

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Planning Families

MakingTayt Purdey and Maddie both always wanted children, and combining inheritance with money from a house sale they could afford IVF treatment. They decided Purdey would carry Maddie’s fertilised egg – called inter-partner donation. Here they share their journey. Interview: Hannah Latham Photos: Louise Prance Photography

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Purdey Silvester, 35, and Maddie Stoller, 34, live in a rural village in Hertfordshire with their son Tayt, 18 months. Maddie: “We always had the idea of carrying each other’s child.” Purdey: “This was the closest way we could make a baby together. I would have the experience of carrying a baby but Maddie would get her genetic child at the end of it. We’ll swap roles for number two. We both always wanted to get pregnant so this way we both get to do it without one of us feeling left out.” Once eggs have been stimulated and then harvested it doesn’t necessarily matter who has the fertilised embryo implanted – the body doesn’t necessarily know the difference and in the grand scheme of IVF the additional cost to swap this part is fairly minor. So the couple found a clinic and had some initial fertility tests, which did not show any problems, and they started harvesting Maddie’s eggs. On their first attempt Purdey got pregnant but unfortunately miscarried around five weeks. Expecting to have to try a few times the couple pressed on. Two more cycles of IVF resulted in two more miscarriages, both around five to six weeks again. Maddie: “In the end, due to Purdey’s miscarriages, I had to be harvested three times, and many were not very good quality. I produced 44 during one cycle and ended up in hospital!” In an ideal scenario a woman produces 8-12 eggs in one harvest, but Maddie was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries. Reacting to the hormones, her ovaries were overstimulated and she produced too many eggs, a lot of which were low quality.

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Planning Families Purdey: “During that round Maddie’s ovaries swelled to the size of grapefruit after she had been harvested and as a result her bowels shut down. Every time they take an egg out a needle goes in and you can get fluid which leads to swelling, and that happened 44 times on this occasion.” But some of Maddie’s eggs that were harvested were viable. They were fertilised with donor sperm the couple had imported from a sperm bank overseas. They chose to import sperm so that there wouldn’t be any issues with their child having unknown siblings in the UK. Luckily Maddy’s part was done. Now it was Purdey’s turn – her body was in better shape to have the embryo implanted anyway. Purdey: “IVF is intensive. In the end I was injecting myself twice a day – well Maddie helped with one of them. One of the needles was horrible, by the end I was sobbing as there wasn’t a part of me that wasn’t sore. It was brutal, but not everyone would have the same experience because everyone’s medical needs are unique to their situation. All that seems like such a distant memory now.”

Purdey was understandably on tenterhooks throughout the pregnancy but particularly in the first trimester. However the pregnancy went well, their son was born and their parenting journey began. On the birth certificate Purdey is his mother and Maddie is the other parent. So what was this aspect like for Maddie, as his genetic mother? Maddie: “It’s been a little bit different to what I expected. I think Purdey and Tayt have a stronger bond because she carried him and she was his primary carer. I wasn’t quite as hands on initially as she was. I thought I would want to be in control but I was really happy – we fell into our roles. Her maternal instinct kicked in and in the night time she was more able to cope.”

“This was the closest way we could make a baby together. I would have the experience of carrying but Maddie would get her genetic child at the end of it. We’ll swap roles for number two.”

With three IVF cycles behind them and the subsequent three miscarriages, Purdey and Maddie were feeling the strain emotionally but fought to maintain their positive outlook.

Maddie: “The things I worried about initially, like the injections and stuff were nothing compared to the emotional rollercoaster you go through.” The couple knew two separate friends who had both also repeatedly miscarried. Both had seen the same specialist who diagnosed a condition called ‘natural killer cells’. Some practitioners in the IVF community don’t believe that it exists, but those who do believe the cells target the embryo in the first few weeks and kill it. The couple sought out the specialist, Purdey was tested and reportedly had a high level of these natural killer cells. She was put on drugs to treat the condition and then fell pregnant. Purdey: “ On embarking on our fourth cycle I said to Maddie, ‘I don’t think I can do this again.’ I’d reached the end psychologically. Fortunately we did not have to this time.”

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I found it much tougher having a newborn than I thought I would. I thought I’d love it but it’s so tiring with the sleepless nights. I’d had quite a lot of experience with babies but it was still a really steep learning curve having my own. We just love it now he’s older, he’s running around, he’s got a personality, he laughs a lot. It’s much more enjoyable now.”

Now they’ve settled into family life with their busy little boy, Purdey and Maddie are thinking about trying for their second child, but it’s early days. What would they say to any other lesbian couples looking at IVF? Purdey: “We would recommend doing a lot of research before you embark on IVF, and having a full range of tests if you can, to save the heartache of any undiagnosed conditions. With a same-sex couple, as you are not trying to get pregnant in the conventional way, it is easier for conditions such as PCOS and Natural Killer Cells to go undiagnosed. If we had done this earlier it would have saved us the heartache of three miscarriages, but saying that we wouldn’t have our son now. We love him and we wouldn’t want to change him – we believe in fate and this was our journey. It has been so worth it.” n You can find out more about Natural Killer Cells on the HFEA website: HFEA.gov.uk

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Planning Families

Lesbians and fertility treatment:

How to choose a clinic

Many lesbians wanting to start a family choose to go to a clinic for treatment and use donor sperm, but with many clinics competing for your business how do you decide where to go and what treatment to have? Helen Priddle, Embryology Lab Manager at the Centre for Reproduction and Gynaecology Wales (CRGW) advises.

“Many people choose the closest and/or cheapest clinic however it’s important to consider clinic success rates, which vary. Going to an open evening will also help you get a feel for the clinic and their understanding of lesbians’ needs. Most lesbians opt for donor insemination and clinics should tell you their success rate. Ask for donor insemination success rates rather than insemination with a partner’s sperm, known as intrauterine insemination (IUI). Rates for IUI will be lower as those statistics include heterosexual couples who have been failing to get pregnant. About 38% of heterosexual couples with no known fertility issue will conceive first time. You would think that donor insemination would be similarly successful, however the national average is around 16%, so it’s important to find a clinic with good success rates in excess of 20%, and to have realistic expectations. In vitro fertilisation (IVF) has higher success rates, but is more physically invasive and costly. IVF allows both partners in a lesbian couple to be involved through intra-partner egg donation – one partner provides the eggs to the other who carries the child (see true-life story, Making Tayt on page 18). This is a great way to share the experience and the latest research suggests it may be beneficial as exposure to fertility drugs may temporarily reduce the receptivity of the womb of the partner supplying the eggs.

Some clinics have their own sperm donor bank, others access sperm from international banks, and some do both. Most lesbians choose a donor matching physical characteristics – hair colour, eye colour, etc – to the birth mother, or to the non-birth mother, however proven fertility is really important. A minority of donors who have not yet started families may actually be infertile, despite their sperm appearing normal in conventional tests. On the day of treatment, get feedback regarding the sperm quality. Occasionally a vial imported from a donor bank may not meet the clinic’s quality standards. Most clinics are amenable to you bringing your own donor. Regulations demand a strict regime of screening, for your own protection, so factor in extra time and costs. Most clinics offer egg sharing and some offer sperm sharing schemes to subsidise costs if you meet certain criteria. For lesbian couples, when your baby arrives, provided you have signed legal parenthood forms, both partners can be on the birth certificate. Don’t let an ill-informed registrar tell you otherwise! n

All clinics offering private treatment are obliged to treat lesbians NHS funding is available if you have a fertility issue Around 10% of couples experience infertility, so make no assumptions about your own To search for clinics use the Find A Clinic option on the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority website: www.HFEA.gov.uk The CRGW team regularly treat single women and lesbian couples. www.crgw.co.uk info@crgw.co.uk 01443 443999.

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Daddy, Muma and Wawa Parenting

Co-parenting with Charlie Condou, his partner Cameron and good friend Catherine

Words: Hannah Latham Photos: Sarah Wheeler, SW12 Photography 22

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Parenting

You may know him as Marcus Dent in Coronation Street but Charlie Condou is passionate about gay parenting and whenever possible talks openly about co-parenting his children Georgia, 5 and Hal, 2, with his partner Cameron (the kids call him Wawa) and friend Catherine. Here the three of them explore why their setup works so well, how they got over the shock of the arrival of child number two, and the reactions to Charlie’s storyline in the soap opera when his character Marcus fell in love with a woman.

How does Charlie see his journey coming to parenting that took place over five years ago, compared to how this journey is for the LGBT community now? Charlie: “Until really recently, as a gay man it was just something you said wasn’t going to happen. That’s not true now with surrogacy and adoption and coparenting options available and that’s why I think it’s really important to talk about it. A lot more gay men are going down the co-parenting route and a lot more lesbians are too because they don’t want to parent on their own.” Charlie and Catherine have been friends for years and had talked about having a child one day but Catherine hoped she’d meet a life partner and have children with him. As years passed that man didn’t materialise. Catherine: “Charlie mentioned it to me first, but I wasn’t ready because I wanted to do it the traditional way – I was hoping to meet ‘the one.’ It became clear he wasn’t going to show. I could have coped with not having children, but not if I hadn’t tried. I think I would have ended up a very bitter woman. I turned 40 and thought, ‘OK time to think about this differently’”.

By this time Charlie had met Cameron, who had married quite young and then come out, so felt he’d left the idea of settling down and having kids behind him. Cameron: “So much of gay politics used to be about accepting being gay as being separate to being straight – it was opposition politics. I grew into being gay thinking I was the polar opposite of a straight person and I should be proud of it. When I was at university the more radical gays talked about straight people as ‘breeders’ and would slander them in that way – as if two wrongs made a right – if we were going to be called faggots and woofters then we needed to have epithets of our own for straight people. I don’t really think along those lines but it becomes a part of who you are. And then Charlie was talking about having kids and I was thinking, ‘but that’s what straight people do!’ I had to rethink it and realise, ‘no that’s what people do’. I realised I’d programmed myself into being something other then a person. It was like re-joining the human race. People talk about internalised homophobia, but maybe it reaches too far. In a way I didn’t believe that I deserved to have kids, so it took quite a lot of rethinking. I’ve noticed that orthodoxy is changing now.” Charlie: “We were really lucky that Catherine and I had known each other for such a long time and then Cam and I got together. We had all discussed it before but then when we discussed it seriously we spent years talking about all the scenarios – how it would work. We made sure that we all have the same values about childrearing and found we all come from the same kind of families that value family highly.” Catherine: “ I’ve run into trouble with boyfriends who don’t ‘get’ close family – mine is very close. It is important.” Cameron: “It seemed like the whole process wasn’t going to be straightforward. You don’t just decide to have kids one minute and then go and have them the next week. It’s a gradual process and pretty hit and miss. We were just hoping it would work out. It’s unknown territory and there wasn’t any experience to draw on.” 44

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Parenting 4 So what makes it work for them? Charlie: “We weren’t getting together just to have children, we wanted to build a family. Talking about it for the first time now, I wonder if that is what makes it work? We have the kids half and half but we try and do as much together as we can – we always spend Christmas and birthdays together. I think that’s part of the secret to our success. That’s not to say we don’t have issues, but they’re minor and we manage to fix them pretty quickly. That’s just down to communication, which we’ve learnt to do. On the big issues we stand together. That’s not to say Catherine doesn’t get annoyed with me because I’ve given them too much chocolate or I’m not cross with Cameron because he hasn’t put them to bed at the right time. What parents don’t have those issues?”

So what advice would they give around planning a coparenting arrangement? Charlie: “It’s about knowing you want the same things but at the same time being open to all possibilities and suggestions and change. You’ve got to be adaptable because you don’t know what’s going to happen.” Cameron: “We’ve talked to a lot of people about how to go about this and some of them have been on paths to catastrophe because they don’t know their other partners very well and they don’t know if they have shared priorities. There are so many things you need to discuss like where your lives are going, how you’re going to be in the same place when your kids are older and in school – over decades. If Charlie got an acting job out in Sydney it just wouldn’t fly – not unless Catherine agreed to move out there too.”

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As alternative parenting models have been on the rise over the past decade, several matching websites have emerged where people looking to co-parent can meet. What’s their opinion on meeting a co-parent this way? Charlie: “You have to put the kids first as much as you can. As long as you have got yourself into a position with whoever you’re going to co-parent with where you know them well enough, and you know you’re on the same page, and you’re adaptable, you shouldn’t have any problems.” Cameron: “You have to learn to draw boundaries between you and your relationship and the other people and their relationships. All these things have to be negotiated very carefully with your eyes open before you get into it. Either that or you have to be sure that there is so much goodwill that you can negotiate your way through any crisis when it arises later. I think a lot of people don’t understand that, and of course they don’t because we don’t have the mental technology for it yet. A lot of people are going in blind. We just think, ‘no, you have to sit down and talk about it all in detail’. You can’t just think, ‘oh everything else will take care of itself’. You owe it to the kids to make sure that there’s some stable framework there.”

You can’t just think, ‘oh everything else will take care of itself’. You owe it to the kids to make sure that there’s some stable framework there.”

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Parenting

“When you have kids you stop looking at each other because you’re always looking down at the children.” It’s common for two parents in a relationship to lose sight of that relationship under the weight of the intense demands of two young kids. Charlie and Catherine had been close friends for years. So how did adding children affect their friendship? Catherine: “I saw Charlie doing an interview on some morning show [with another member of the Coronation Street cast] and I remember them having a laugh and it being very jokey and chatty. I texted him saying ‘we don’t have that anymore.’ It’s there, but what we do is hand over children and talk logistics. I missed the friendship. When you have kids you stop looking at each other because you’re always looking down at the children.” Charlie: “We did have to change how we were doing things because all we were doing was handing kids over.” “You can’t base anything on the first few years. It’s so different to the rest of your life with children. We were all working so hard, it was insane but now I feel like I’m getting a sense of myself back.”

Once Charlie, Cameron and Catherine had discussed the concept of co-parenting enough they decided to have IVF using Catherine’s eggs and Charlie’s sperm. This was at a time when co-parenting between a gay couple and a heterosexual woman was rarely done openly. The first doctor they saw referred to Charlie as the donor. They found a more open-minded doctor. Georgia was conceived during their fourth IVF cycle. Hal’s embryo came from the same harvest as Georgia so effectively he is her fraternal twin. Charlie: “ The first six months of Hal’s life were insane and knackering. We only had the kids half the time as well. It should be really doable but it was insane how hard it was. It was harder because I was working away in Manchester a lot. Catherine was doing two kids on her own and Cam was doing them on his own so essentially two people single parenting. I’d get home on the weekends knackered from work but I’d get as full on with the kids as possible to give the other two a break and make up for the time away from the kids.” Catherine: “You don’t realise it but having one child is easy!”

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Parenting two young kids alone can be challenging, but what about parenting together? Cameron: “Having three parents there at once is too much. Everybody has their ideas of how things should be done and that can be confusing for the kids. We’ve learned that when we’re all together at least one of us parents has to pull his oar out of the water.”

What about when someone doesn’t agree? Catherine: “We all work very differently – Charlie’s very good at being direct. I can’t get the words out – I get very emotional. I find if I want to say something that’s difficult I write it in an email, park it, then I can go back to it. When the children are at Charlie and Cameron’s place I have no control. That’s fine because I completely trust them but they do things differently and it’s learning that different isn’t wrong. I found that the biggest learning curve for me. The big stuff we’re absolutely on the same page with, it’s the little things that can be an issue. I think you learn a lot from watching other people doing bad parenting and saying, ‘oh, I’m not going to do that’.” Cameron: “We’ve learned to keep our hands off each other’s lives as much as possible. It took us a while to learn that. Individuals have different priorities and you have to learn to accept them and let go of control – when you love your kids it’s very difficult to ease off the control when they’re not in your domain.” 4

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Parenting

4 So they’ve found their feet parenting in a three, but what about when Catherine meets someone? Charlie: “lt’ll be interesting. It’s going to be tough, having another male around. We’ll deal with it when it happens. Our roles are very clearly defined at the moment, but you have to be adaptable. Obviously we really want her to meet someone because it’ll be great for her, and what’s great for her is great for the kids.” Catherine: “I think I’m better girlfriend material now because I’ve cut my teeth on this relationship. Before, I saw a man and I thought how I could change him, whereas now I’ll be much happier with whoever comes along. I just can’t quite get my head around introducing someone to my life right now, but it’ll change – once Hal’s started nursery and I have time off and I’m guaranteed more then five or six hours sleep a night, and also I’ve got something to talk about!”

What would Catherine say to women thinking about coparenting with a gay couple? Catherine: “It’s well worth it, but I really had to unhook myself from the expectation that they were my husband. They do that for each other, not for me. That was my s**t, not theirs. My friends have become that for me. It really did feel like we were writing the book. There was no reference point. You look at all those parenting books and guides and there was nothing. Now it’s sort of everywhere. There are other children with two mummies and two daddies in Georgia’s school.”

The legal situation in co-parenting set-ups can be complex and interestingly despite the amount of planning they did, the three of them are not all legally responsible for their children. Charlie: “Catherine and I are the legal parents. Cameron is in a really tricky position legally. If he and I get married it would make a difference.” Catherine: “It concerns me for him – if Charlie and I fall off a cliff he would rely on our families’ good natures. But it’s absolutely down to what the law says.”

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Charlie: “It’s interesting because I think we’ve come far enough now that if that were to happen and it did end up in the courts they would find it in Cameron’s favour because of the parenting.”

Gay parenting can be complex. Aside from the logistics and legalities to negotiate there are various compromises that need to be made to make it work. Alternative families are gaining visibility, with more and more in the media and on TV. Charlie had plenty to draw on for his role in Coronation Street. Catherine: “There was this fantastic moment where Marcus [the role Charlie plays] was mirroring life, although Charlie was playing Cam in the relationship.”

Things got really complicated when Marcus, a gay character, fell in love with Maria, causing much furore in the media. Charlie: “I spell it out quite clearly. All they wanted to do was look at what happens when a gay man who is comfortable with his sexuality falls in love with a woman. I was really shocked by the amount of bi-phobia that came from the gay community. It surprised me: we’re the last people who should judge other people on who they’re sleeping with. Some of the stuff that was said was really disgusting. I thought, ‘It may not happen to you but it does happen.’ We’ve moved on and it’s important to show that sometimes sexuality is complicated for people. I think it’s hard because Marcus was, or is, a very good role model.”

Marcus wanted to settle down with Maria and have a family, but was entrapped by a male lover and Maria catches them together. Charlie: “Of course he ends up going back to men. That was going to happen!”

Through friendship and communication, this parenting trio has avoided soap opera-sized dramas at home. They liken their parenting set-up to an amicable divorce – a description often used by other LGBT co-parents. But somehow this sells them short – their family model comes from its own solid, positive place. n wearefamilymagazine.co.uk

Count yourself in! Have you thought about Adoption? If you could consider making a difference to a Worcestershire child then we want to hear from you

For more information:

0800 633 5442 www.isadoption4me.co.uk

Psychology In Care A resource bank and support centre for foster carers and adopters

Could you foster or adopt? visit www.bemyparent.org.uk or phone 020 7421 2666 to find out more

ADOPTION & FOSTERING

Be My Parent, a family-finding service provided by the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF), has been bringing children and families together for over 30 years. BAAF registered charity no. 275689 (England and Wales) and SC039337 (Scotland)

Drawing on expertise in educational psychology, social work and hands-on experience

Training and resources to: Manage sexualised behaviour Support children in LGBT placements Support children in trans racial placements Support children through transitions and endings

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Fun Sun Parenting

in the

Our UK-wide round up of low-cost and free kids’ summer activities

Don’t worry though! We have plenty of ideas for great days out that don’t have to cost much. Keep reading and you will find some inspiration for free activities across the UK. As lovely as a picnic is, sometimes you want something a little different that won’t break the bank. Save your cash, let the kids have fun and you’ll have change for that ice-cream too!

The FA Tesco Skills Are your kids into soccer? Tescos and the Football Association are offering free coaching sessions for kids of all abilities, so they can have great fun running off some steam. For boys and girls ages 5-11. Morning or afternoon sessions at venues across England. FA Tesco Skills, all summer long, throughout England, free. www.tescoskills.thefa.com Tel: 0208 782 3310

Picture: Susan Lloyd

Summer! The time of year that makes families want to get out into the fresh air and have fun together: whether it’s a picnic or a day at a theme park. The downside to school summer holiday; six weeks of glorious sunshine and your children’s endless energy, is that money can be tight. Between admission charges, lunch out, drinks and ice lollies, costs can mount up quickly.

Tennis for Free

Tennis for Free is a registered charity working to break down the barriers around tennis and open it up to everyone and anyone. They work with centres across the UK, local councils and tennis clubs, providing free access to courts, training and equipment. Tennis is a great workout and it doesn’t matter if you have never played before. With patrons like Judy Murray and Stephen Fry, the programme is a huge success. You might just find you have the next Wimbledon champion in your family! Tennis For Free, all summer long, UK-wide, free. www.tennisforfree.com Tel: 020 7609 9026

Words: Steph Mann 28

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Parenting

Summer

Reading

Sky Ride

What about getting your feet on some pedals and your head in the clouds? That is to say, get on a bike! An activity the whole family can enjoy and you don’t have to go it alone. Sky Ride offer big organised traffic-free rides throughout the year, across the country. Simply go to their website, have a look and see if there is a ride near you.

Challenge

The summer weather isn’t always reliable and schools think reading takes a dip during the holidays. The Reading Challenge is a great scheme that gets kids into libraries and books. They get stickers and a certificate for taking part.

Sky Ride, all year round, UK-wide, free. www.goskyride.com

Bristol International

The Reading Challenge, UK-wide, free. summerreadingchallenge. org.uk

Balloon Fiesta

36th Bristol International Balloon Fiesta, 7 -10 August 2014, Ashton Court Estate, free. www.bristolballoonfiesta.co.uk

Merlin Festival Fun Run On 9 August in Carmarthen, Wales, there is the annual Merlin Festival Children’s Fun Run and Scoot-R-Run. This is a huge event; part of the larger Merlin Festival. The 1km fun run is for primary aged children and all taking part are encouraged to dress up as Merlin or any wizard they like and everyone gets a medal! Mini Merlin Festival, Carmarthen, 9 August 2014, free. www.healthylifeactivities.co.uk/ mini-merlin-fun-run

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Sustrans Taff Tales

Cycling charity Sustrans are hosting The Taff Tales treasure hunt, taking you on magical historical journeys along (mostly) traffic free cycling/walking routes in Wales. With audio guides narrated by characters Catrin and Gruff you’ll hunt down treasure and do activities along the way. Picture: Shot Away

There are many summer festivals across the UK that needn’t cost you a lot. The International Balloon Festival in Bristol is guaranteed to make your kids squeal with delight! Hot air balloons fill the sky with rainbow colours, and the whole family will have great fun spotting crazy shaped balloons – previous years have seen a rooster, a dragon, a house and a fire extinguisher. Enjoy the view across the sky from a grassy park in Bristol or head to the launch site to see the balloons inflating and taking off. There’s also a fun fair, attractions and food stalls, all for free!

Taff Tales, across Wales, 18 April to end of summer holidays, free. www.sustrans.org.uk/events/ taff-tales Tel: 0117 926 8893.

The Edinburgh Festival Fringe Edinburgh is transformed into one big stage for what is the biggest arts festival in the world. The Royal Mile is filled with street performers, there’s children’s cabaret, musicals, comedy… Although many shows are ticketed there’s also a huge amount of free stuff to attend. The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, 1-25 August 2014, free - £s (see program). www.edfringe.com Tel: 0131 226 0026

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Parenting Section

Mix it Up! Sweet and savoury, or non-traditional combos, our food expert gets you experimenting in the kitchen with our familyfriendly summer recipes

Our children’s food expert, Fiona Faulkner, is author of the acclaimed 25 Foods Kids Hate and How to Get Them Eating 24. Her expertise in getting kids to eat their greens (yellows and reds) has seen her pop up on TV and in the kitchens of various celebrity mums, where she is referred to as ‘the Harry Potter of Vegetables’ (The Sunday Times). Fiona is a self-taught cook as well as a parent of three and an ambassador for The Children’s Food Trust.

Courgette and Lime Sorbet Serves 4

Ingredients 1 courgette, roughly chopped 2 limes 70g caster sugar 2 fresh mint leaves

Method n Put the courgettes, lime juice, sugar, and mint leaves in a food processor and blitz! n Transfer to a freezable dish and place in the freezer for about an hour and a half.

issueSummer issue Spring Winter 2013 2014

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Parenting

Mediterranean Mac & Cheese Serves 6

Ingredients 300g dried macaroni 500ml cold milk 50g unsalted butter 50g flour - sifted 100g grated hard cheese such as Cheddar 50g marinated artichokes, chopped 50g sun blush tomatoes, chopped 50g pitted olives

Method n Get the macaroni cooking, according to packet instructions n Put the milk, butter and flour in a medium saucepan on a medium heat and simply keep whisking until the sauce comes together. Once it’s thickened up add a twist of black pepper and stir through the cheese until it’s melted. n Add the tomatoes, olives and artichokes and stir through, along with the cooked and drained macaroni.

Avocado Ice Cream Serves 10

Ingredients Flesh of 4 (ripe) avocados Juice of 2 limes 200g caster sugar 300ml double cream

Method n Whizz the avocado and lime juice together in a blender or food processor until it’s a smooth puree. n Whisk in the double cream and sugar. Whisk for about 3 minutes. n Place in a freezable container for 3-4 hrs stirring every half an hour or so. Before eating allow to thaw slightly for a creamier ‘soft scoop’ effect).

To get Fiona’s advice email your foodie questions to: advice@wearefamilymagazine.co.uk with ‘Fiona Food Help’ in the subject bar. Follow Fiona on Twitter @fiona_faulkner and find out more via www.fionafaulkner.co.uk www.childrensfoodtrust.org.uk wearefamilymagazine.co.uk

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Parenting

Parenting a

transgender child Part 5 Words: Harriet Doyle

A Child by Any Other Name

What’s in a name? If we’re talking about the ones we give ourselves – or the ones given to us by our parents – a lot.

Most of the time our own names carry a lot of pride, heritage and fond memories. But sometimes they are as the Barenaked Ladies once conveyed in the song What a Good Boy – weighted hair shirts which hang around our necks, heavy with hatred and personal trauma. For our adopted child, the latter was never more true. Angelica, our boisterous and often misunderstood daughter, had come out to us as transgender shortly after coming to live with us. Slowly, inexorably, she had thrown off any semblance of a female identity, for a while living as gender-neutral Squiggles, and later choosing a male name for herself around home and asking to go to school as a boy. After weeks of asking ourselves if it was just a phase; weeks of convincing ourselves Angelica would just be a TomBoy; my wife and I agreed. In my last article, I talked about Adam’s first visit to the Tavistock Gender Identity clinic for children in London. Funded by the NHS, the clinic is a lifeline to gender-variant children and their families, and has proved just that to us. After our first visit, it was suggested we officially changed Adam’s name prior to him entering high school a few months later. So we did. Changing a name for a child is just the same as it is for an adult, just with parental consent. Opting for a Statutory Declaration rather than a more expensive

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Deed Poll, we prepared the documents with Adam, and made an appointment at a local solicitors. The solicitor eyed my wife and I with suspicion. He eyed Adam even more. He’d agreed in principal on the telephone to witness the Statutory Declaration and we’d been very open that it was for a child. But when he saw our confident son standing before him, grinning from ear to ear, he did a double take. “I don’t understand this,” he said, “why is he changing his name?” The boy standing in front of him didn’t seem to match the female official names on the paperwork. “He’s been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder,” I said, “he’s transgender. He was born physically female but feels he is a boy. Changing his legal name like this is part of the process he has to go through, and it has been recommended by specialists in London.” He paused. He voiced his concern about the legality of what we were doing. Yet having read the paperwork over a few times, and with a letter from the Tavistock clinic in hand, he agreed to be official witness. He looked Adam in the eye, and recited the official statutory declaration. Adam repeated it back to him to make his name-change official. Angelica was gone. Adam took her place. After signing the paperwork we headed back home to give Adam a proper celebration, naturally laced with ice cream and enough sugar to kill a small furry animal. (Transgender or not, Adam enjoys junk food just as much as any kid I know.) Name change official, there was just one thing left: high school. n

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Bikes, cuddles, holidays, schools, books, comics, cartoons, washing, toys, mud, packed lunches, nightmares,sniffles,dolls house, go carts, bath time, loud music, tooth fairy, cinema, dreams, grand parents, birthdays, days-out, zoos, seaside, tears and tantrums, ice creams, cakes, wellies, stories, school, laughter. Add a little something to your life

Adopt

merton.gov.uk/adoption

Parenting

The rewards

of fostering Finding out that their foster son had Asperger syndrome was at first challenging, but once Teresa and Tracy understood his condition they saw him flourish

Teresa, 36, and her partner Tracy, 33, have been foster parents for Orange Grove Fostercare for three years. The organisation specialises in long-term placements of young people. With a troubled past and having been without a family herself as a young woman, Teresa understands first-hand the challenges faced by some of the children in care and strongly believes that fostering can make such a huge difference in a young person’s life. “At first I thought that my sexuality may count against me in fostering a child, but the reality is that it takes all types of people, from all walks of life; single, divorced, young, old, gay or lesbian, to care for a child. Fostering can be a fulfilling career and you will make a real difference to a young person who needs it. After-all, the ability to offer a child a loving and stable home life is the main criteria. Four years ago they fostered Tom*, a 13-year-old who had been in care for 10 years. “Tom came to us lacking confidence with very low self-esteem. He told us he ‘felt worthless’ and had no dreams or ambitions,” Teresa recalled. “It was one of our most challenging placements in the first 12 months; he was so arrogant, knew it all, wasn’t listening – you could say this is all typical teenage behaviour. I often thought he was just this arrogant brat. But pretty quickly I knew there was something else going on.” Tom was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome shortly after being placed with the couple.

“They’re so very intelligent. You have to be very factual with him. One evening I asked if he’d like to dry-up. He said ‘No’. I took offence to that but he explained ‘you asked if I‘d like to dry up. Why would I like to?’ I didn’t realise the social etiquette he wasn’t getting. This was before we understood what was going on.” Teresa read up on the condition and gained more understanding of how to deal with it. “You don’t need to be trained necessarily but you do need to have a certain emotional intelligence. We had to decipher what is Asperger behaviour, what is teenage behaviour and what is from neglect.” “We’ve taught him empathy and how to love. It’s been good to have Tom in our family because families need routine and structure. Having an Aspergers young person around helps you really think about what you’re saying!” A few years on and Tom’s flourishing; he’s starting to understand his condition and learn how to adapt, and is currently studying a BTEC after achieving 10 GCSEs. “We’ve had to work hard and it is still on-going, but it’s a different type of work now. Through offering support, stability and a happy, loving home, he’s gained so much confidence and belief in himself. When you see a change like that you know exactly why you do it.” www.orangegrovefostercare.co.uk

*Names have been changed to protect identities

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Summer 2014

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Are you Fit2Foster? If you have patience, a sense of humour, a desire to learn and a spare bedroom, you could be just what we are looking for. We offer great local support, professional training and a generous fostering allowance.

Make a difference - become part of the Orange Grove family.

e v ro G e g n ra O h it w m o ss People blo Are you Fit2Foster? Call 08458 734455 email foster4us@orangegrovefostercare.co.uk

www.orangegrovefostercare.co.uk

al re it e ak m m e h t p l He

Parenting

Autism explained The National Autistic Society explains the ‘spectrum’, characteristic behaviours and how to get a diagnosis for your child Autism is a lifelong disability affecting the way a person communicates and relates to the world around them; it can have a profound impact on a person’s life, but is also a ‘hidden’ disability, so it is not always obvious when someone is affected by it.

The causes of autism are still being investigated, though it is thought to be the result of many different underlying physical and genetic factors. We do know it is definitely not due to emotional deprivation or the way a person has been brought up. Because people with autism do not ‘look’ disabled, it can be hard to create awareness of the condition. Parents of children with autism often say that other people simply think their child is naughty; while adults with the condition find that they are misunderstood. Some people with autism have said that the world, to them, is a mass of people, places and events which they

struggle to make sense of, and which can cause them considerable anxiety. In particular, understanding and relating to other people, and taking part in everyday family and social life may be harder for them. Other people appear to know, intuitively, how to communicate and interact with each other, and some people with autism may wonder why they are ‘different’. While living with autism can pose its challenges, a diagnosis and the right support can make a huge difference and enable people with the condition to reach their full potential.

The spectrum There are around 700,000 people with autism in the UK – that’s more than 1 in 100. But while all people with autism share certain difficulties, their condition will affect them in different ways: it is a spectrum condition. Some people with autism are able to live relatively independent lives but others may need a lifetime of specialist support. Many people will be familiar with the term ‘Asperger syndrome’, which is a form of autism. People with Asperger syndrome are often of average or above average intelligence. They have fewer problems with speech but may still have difficulties with understanding and processing language. Across the spectrum, people with autism may also experience over- or under-sensitivity to sounds, touch, tastes, smells, light or colours.

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Parenting

Triad of impairments Social interaction

Social communication

Social imagination

Difficulty with social relationships, ranging from being withdrawn, to appearing aloof and indifferent, to simply not ‘fitting in’ easily. Children with autism may also seem insensitive to the feelings of others. This can lead to problems in the playground, with making friends and, in turn, bullying.

Difficulty with verbal and non-verbal communication, ranging from difficulties developing speech, to repetitive or formal use of language. Children with autism may also not fully understand gestures, facial expressions or tone of voice. As a result understanding instructions or participating in conversations can be a challenge.

Difficulty with understanding how others think and feel, and in the development of interpersonal play. Difficulty in this area may also include an inflexible nature and a resistance to change, so children with autism may find it hard to cope with alterations to their routine or last minute changes of plan, for example. They may also struggle to understand abstract ideas.

Signs of autism in young children Since autism is a spectrum condition, children with autism exhibit a wide range of behaviours. However, there are some common signs. If a child has autism they may have difficulty relating to others and making friends; they may have issues with communication - some children may not talk at all - or may be unable to engage in imaginative play. Other signs include obsessions, fears, a lack of awareness of danger, ritualistic play and behaviour, inappropriate eye contact, hypersensitivity to sound, or light, or spinning objects, and hand-flapping. One of the most important indicators is an absence of or very delayed development in the ability to draw other people’s attention to objects or events. Other key signs that usually emerge in the first few years of life are in three areas, which all people with autism share difficulties in: social interaction, social communication, and social imagination. These are sometimes known as the ‘triad of impairments’. A child does not need to show all of these signs to be diagnosed with autism and some children who do not have autism may exhibit some of these behaviours.

Diagnosis Getting a diagnosis can be a positive thing for families affected by autism. It means you have an explanation for some of the difficulties your child may be experiencing, and it also gives you access to services and support.

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If you think your child may have autism and you want to get a diagnosis, the first person to approach is your GP, or in the case of children under five, you can also approach your health visitor. Before you go to see your GP or health visitor, it can be useful to compile a list of behaviours and characteristics that make you think your child has autism. This can be a good prompt during your appointment, ensuring that you talk about all the things that concern you. If your GP or health visitor shares your concerns around your child’s difficulties, your child should be referred for a formal assessment. Ideally, this will be a multi-disciplinary assessment – that is, an assessment by a team of professionals. The team might include, for example, a psychiatrist, a speech and language therapist, and a clinical psychologist.

Schemes like the National Autistic Society’s EarlyBird programme aim to address these concerns, introducing autism to parents of pre-school age children with the condition and giving them the knowledge, confidence and skills to develop their child’s communication skills and cope with potential behavioural problems. The National Autistic Society is the UK’s leading charity for people affected by autism and provides a whole host of information and advice, as well as signposting to local support in your area. With the right help, support and understanding, children and young people with autism can – and do – succeed. All are unique, and many have a great deal to offer, they just need to be given the chance to fulfil their potential. n

However there may not be a multidisciplinary team carrying out assessments in your area. If your child is referred to an individual professional that’s fine, but it’s important that the professional is experienced in diagnosing autism.

What support is available? A diagnosis can be a turning point for many families affected by autism, but it can also be an overwhelming and confusing time. Many parents don’t know very much about autism when their child is diagnosed and yet are suddenly confronted with a future of supporting a child, and then later an adult, with complex needs.

For further information visit the National Autistic Society website at

www.autism.org.uk NAS Earlybird programme:

www.autism.org.uk/ earlybird

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Community

Best in show

Get the whole family out including your four-legged loved ones. Here’s our round-up of Prides and festivals where your dogs can strut their stuff and win a medal or two

Words: Jess Rotas

A celebration of LGBT life and who we love wouldn’t be fully inclusive if it didn’t include our four-legged best friends. Would you like to see Rex looking pretty in pink, fully regaled in make-up and tiara? Is your Staffie too butch to allow such treatment? Shows have categories catering for all dogs, irrespective of their look, pedigree or sexual preference! They’ll be tested on skill, appearance, as well as costume and plenty of chances for their two-legged owners to fluff their feathers too. This year there’ll be no reason to leave your doe-eyed dogs at home while you go out and enjoy the fun – finding the right event to show off your handsome hound should be a walk in the park…

Oxford Pride

’s dog show returns with prizes for Best Trick, Dog That Looks Most Like its Owner, Cutest, Butchest and more. Sunday, 2nd June, 5-6pm at The Jolly Farmers, Paradise Street, Oxford. www.oxford-pride.org.uk

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Dublin Pride has hosted a number of dog

shows over the years and they have proved to be one of the most popular events for all the family to enjoy. Eoin Hendrick, of Dublin Pride, says: “It was noted that a lot of the volunteers and members of Dublin Pride and the general community in Ireland have domestic animals, in particular dogs. Dublin Pride is a free family festival so we really tried to make the event as accessible to everyone in the family, even the animals.” This year’s location is yet to be confirmed – keep an eye on the website for details. www.dublinpride.ie Saturday 21st or Sunday 22nd June, TBC. Categories include: Dog Most Like Owner, Best Dressed Dog and Cutest Pooch.

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Pictures: Angela, William Murphy Informatique, Neil W Shaw/Brighton Pride

Every dog has his or her day – and this summer there promises to be a selection of shows proud pooch owners can choose from, with a growing number of Pride events opening their doors and inviting our canine companions in to be a part of the party at their fun dog shows.

Community Section

London Pride had their first canine inclusive

event back in 2011. The Pride Doggy Walk returns in an unofficial, fun format this year as part of the Big Picnic in the Park. Simply turn up and take a turn with your dog. Sunday, 30th June, 3-4pm. Categories include: Best in Show, Best Large and Best Small Breed. www.prideinlondon.org

Bristol Pride has bowed

to public pressure, and for the first time this year will be introducing a dog show to their week of diverse events. Organiser Daryn Carter says: “We’re keen to put one on because it’s fun, it’s not age or gender specific and is a great opportunity for all the family to come and enjoy a day out.” Organisers are inviting people to bring in a photo of themselves and their pet in order to win the ‘Best Family Pet’ award. Other categories include: Waggiest Tail, Best Trick, Shiniest Coat and Most Like Owner. The event takes place on College Green on Sunday, 6th July, and starts at 1pm. www.pridebristol.co.uk/portfolio-item/funday

The dog show at L Fest proved popular last year and will be returning to L Fest in Staffordshire this year. Organiser Cindy Edwards says: “I was asked for a dog show many times so it’s something we added to the programme. I for one didn’t realise how popular it would be!” Categories include: Waggiest Tail, Musical Sit and Stay, Best Dressed and Best Rescue Story. Sunday, 20th July. www.lfest.co.uk

Community

Following the success of last year’s event, Brighton will be offering another opportunity to fetch your pooches and paw your way into a fabulous event for dog lovers of all ages. There will be numerous classes to enter your dog, including Best Bitch and Bitch with the Longest Tongue canine categories, as well as a glamorous catwalk doggy fashion show, retail stalls, a bar and refreshments. Brighton Pride’s Dulcie Weaver says, “It’s a fantastic day out which is full to the brim with happy dogs and dog lovers alike.” Sunday, 20th July, midday-5pm, Hove Rugby Club. Register your dog online. www.brighton-pride.org

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Community

Manchester Pride are old hands at the canine capers, with the Pink Dog Show now a regular feature.

Pride takes place over the August Bank Holiday weekend, Plans are currently underway, however organisers were unable to elaborate at the time of going to press. Expect a spectacular array of dogs, categories and owners. Friday 22nd – Sunday 25th August. www.manchesterpride.com

Northern Pride

might well be onto something with their claim to be holding the biggest, campest, most fun pet show you’ll ever see – at least on this year’s Pride scene. Paws with Pride is set to return with its popular family event for dog owners to show off their pooches, and pet lovers to get close to their favourite animals. The cornerstone of Paws with Pride is the dog show itself, with categories including: Most Camp/Butch Dog (fancy dress), Cheekiest Expression and Best Rescue Dog. Entering your pooch costs £1 per dog per class. Last year Northern Pride introduced Gay Walkies – a camp and colourful parade for dogs and their owners. Taking part costs £2 per dog – deck your dogs out with something camp and colourful and join the pack as they parade. However, at Northern Pride it doesn’t end with dogs – the extravaganza of an event will also be host to a whole menagerie of creatures great and small, from meerkats, alpacas, birds of prey, Shetland ponies, reptiles, to a petting zoo. It would be impractical to ask visitors to bring their cats along so instead there is the ‘Show Us Yer Kitties’ cat photo competition. Judging takes place on the day. Sunday, 3rd August in Leazes Park. www.northern-pride.com

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Puppy love We know you adore your pooch as much as these celebrities adore theirs, so here is our selection of products to pamper, clean, care, train and play

Community

plus Celebs

& their pets Paul O’Grady & Olga Words: Jamie Taberer

Would you like to keep your dog’s attention without having to use treats as an incentive? Do you find the game of fetch great until Fido notices something more interesting? Designed by an animal behaviorist, the Chase ‘N’ Tug gives you control of your dog without having to use a lead. Attach their favourite toy to the end, throw it and your dog will be totally focused on catching it, then trying to get it off you. The sound and movement appeals to their natural chase instinct so they don’t get distracted by dogs, people, sheep or wildlife. The Chase ‘N’ Tug helps your dog learn to obey commands to return and other behaviour and training issues, whilst providing positive reward-based training. This is the only UK-designed and produced training tool of its kind and is selling like hot cakes.

Comic genius-turned-national treasure Paul O’Grady is well-known for being an animal lover. “I’m very lucky,” the farmresiding TV presenter told Gay Times in 2011. “I’ve got every sodding animal I ever wanted – dogs, sheep, an owl…”

£20, trixiespetbehaviourandtraining.com

6 RASCAL LITTER BOX Do you live in a flat, work long hours or have trouble convincing your pooch to go outside when it’s cold and wet? As seen on Dragon’s Den, The Rascal Dog Litter Box is a proven method for all your canine’s toilet needs and it’s going down a storm with dogowners. This clever box comes with high sides to prevent spills (Big Squirt only) and a removable layer of machine-washable fake grass with perforations, so wee passes through to the tray underneath. This means you won’t get paw prints across your floors and bigger business sits neatly on top and is easy to clean off. You’ll never have to deal with messy trails of litter or have to clean doggy stains off your carpets again! Comes in two sizes: the Little Squirt for small breeds and the Big Squirt for bigger dogs. Excellent for training your puppy, it comes with a free 8oz bottle of training spray worth £9.99. From £49.99,

Picture: Channel 4

CHASE ‘N’ TUG 4

That said, Paul’s pride and joy is arguably his gorgeous Cairn Terrier, Olga. Following the death of his beloved Shih Tzu Buster of cancer in 2009, the For the Love of Dogs presenter paid £8,000 for rescue pup Olga to undergo chemotherapy after she was diagnosed with the same disease last year. “She has had her kidney out and is now on chemo. I don’t care what it costs, I would sell my house to pay for it.” The treatment was a success, with Paul admitting that nine-year-old Olga – a regular fixture on The Paul O’Grady Show – has been “flying around at the moment like a puppy” posttreatment. Glad to hear it, Paul! Paul, on visiting Battersea Dogs’ Home to film For the Love of Dogs said, “It went in my contract – under no circumstances was I allowed to go home with anything: two-legged, four-legged, three-legged, anything. I knew it would be fatal. It’d be like putting an ex-drug addict in a cocaine factory.” n

rascaldoglitterbox.co.uk

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issue Summer 2014

Community

Celebs & their pets The new

SCRUFFS SIBERIAN PILLOW 4 is a reversible faux fur and fleece-covered pillow bed for your hound, inspired by the thick, dense coat of the husky. The luxurious faux fur helps your pooch feel snug on frosty nights, while the soft fleece cover provides your dog with a cool but cosy alternative for warmer nights. The pillow is eco-friendly, filled with 100% recycled green fibre, providing excellent cushioning, resilience and insulation. The fill is buttoned in two places to form a natural resting place for your pet. Machine washable and comes in two sizes. From £29.99, petslovescruffs.com

Claire Balding

& Archie

Would you like to keep Rex clean but don’t want to expose him to nasty chemicals? Check out The Oggy Pets range, The Ethical Superstore’s first specially-selected range of natural pet-cleaning care with fun names like Hair Of The Dog Wet Foaming Shampoo. Made in the UK, the Oggy range contains no chemicals or bleach but are still strong enough to kill up to 99.999% of germs and bacteria. The all-natural ingredients are manufactured only from fruit and plant extracts to leave an invigorating scent whilst effectively cleaning and deodorising your pets and home. An essential yet luxurious collection for dog owners! The Ethical Superstore is the UK’s foremost retailer for the ethically-conscious consumer and sells every-day groceries, gifts, fashion, beauty and healthcare.

Oggy Pets range from £5.99, ethicalsuperstore.com

6 NOSE2TAIL DOG FOOD Does your dog suffer from allergies? Nose2Tail Salmon is a complete hypo-allergenic premium pet food for adult dogs. It contains a specially-formulated herbal tonic for itchy skin which calms the immune system and enables the lymphatic system to drain more effectively. Being single protein and grain- and glutenfree, means Nose2Tail Salmon is suitable for exclusion diets where meat or grains are causing food intolerances/allergies. With just 2.5% fat, this recipe of 66% fresh salmon, plus potato, fruit and veg is suitable for low-fat diets as well as plain old fussy dogs. Nose2Tail is produced in the UK and their tinned Salmon is one of a range of healthy dog food products.

Sports presenter extraordinaire Clare Balding has had many pets in her lifetime – so much so, she named her 2012 memoir My Animals and Other Family. In the book, the noted equestrian enthusiast said: “I believe that horses bring out the best in us. They judge us not by how we look, what we’re wearing or how powerful or rich we are, they judge us in terms of sensitivity, consistency, and patience. They demand standards of behaviour and levels of kindness that we, as humans, then strive to maintain.” What’s more, Clare and her partner and broadcaster Alice Arnold can often be seen lovingly walking their pet dog Archie around their London neighbourhood. In a 2011 interview with the Guardian, Clare called Archie her most treasured possession, saying, “My possessions are all replaceable, but our dog, Archie, is not. He’s a black-and-white Tibetan terror and, despite his many faults, I adore him.” Bless!

£24.99 for a case of 12, nose-2-tail.co.uk

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Picture: Wenn

6 OGGY PETS CLEANING PRODUCTS

Community

Celebs & their pets

Gok Wan &

Dolly

DOGS TRUST TOP TRUMPS 5 Dogs Trust, the UK’s largest dog welfare charity, is giving retro family favourite card game Top Trumps a new leash of life by launching its very own edition of the popular game. Featuring former Dogs Trust dogs of all shapes and sizes, this limited edition deck has been designed as a fun way for families to learn more about different dog breeds.

“It’s amazing what she can do,” added Gok, who says he used to be obsessive about being a perfect TV presenter, as well as cleanliness in his home. “Now there’s dog hair everywhere. I could never have done it years ago, it just wouldn’t have been an option.” Gok continued: “She’s literally the most spoilt canine in the world. She’s got a doggy passport, a doggy wardrobe and more toys than I ever could imagine. Where I live there’s a dog boutique – every time I go for a walk I lose a hundred quid!”

£4.99 www.dogstrust.org.uk/ shopping.

Celebs & their pets

Alan Carr, Bev & Joyce

Picture: Wenn

Makeover prince Gok Wan credits his pet French Bulldog Dolly with helping him in his lifelong battle with OCD. The stylist said in a 2011 interview with The Mirror: “She’s changed my life, I’ve learnt to relax. Dolly has really helped me.”

Funny man Alan Carr lives with boyfriend Paul and their two red setters Joyce and Bev – the latter named because she looks, “a bit like Beverley Callard from Coronation Street.” “I’ve become such a gay stereotype,” he said in 2011. “At least they’re big dogs. You’d expect a chihuahua to poke out of a cerise bum bag!”

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Alan added that when he encountered Graham Norton with his dogs in a park, Bev and Joyce jumped to their owner’s defence. “His dog ‘ggrrrrrs’ at Bev, and Bev goes ‘ggggrrraaah’. If there was a pap, they’d have taken a picture: it was like Celebrity Gay Dog Fight!” As well as having his own line of animal products Alan also supports the work of animal welfare charity Peta – putting his face to their poster campaign to reduce animal homelessness. www.peta.org

issue Summer 2014

Community

From lesbian feminist to

gay granny “Cover yourself up, Granny!”

I am taking my eight-year-old grand-daughter swimming. “Most grannies wear bras,” she notices, as she primly manages to get her costume on before she gets her pants off. She obviously has more style than I do. I explain to her that it is a women’s changing room so it is OK to strip off, but she is not convinced. I want her, and her four-year-old sister Zoe, to grow up to be strong, thoughtful young women, and already they are so far along that road that I have no fears for their future. They teach me a lot about life. Their Dad was my first born, and they broke the mould when they made him. I remember once telling him to act his age, and he replied, “But I’m only a little boy, Mum.” I’d been thirty-three when I had him, and always anxious about him and his wee brother. In contrast, my son was barely twenty when he became father to Lucie, and he and his partner seem so casual and laid back.

Penny Ward is 62 and looks after her two granddaughters regularly. Here she reflects on coming out when her sons were young, their paths to parenthood and being comfortable with her sexuality when others were not.

He had been exactly Lucie’s age when I suddenly realised I was a lesbian, and had to make some gut-wrenching choices between following my heart and looking to their needs. My sexuality was too important to ignore, but on reflection, I may have expected too much of my little lads, aged just six and eight. But when their dad moved out, a lightness entered our lives. I was happy, working full time, a single mum, stretched financially, tired, but laughter and love and friendship and feminism took his place. And maybe I didn’t really listen hard enough as my wee boys tried to explain how hard it was having a lesbian mother in a small town. I didn’t see anything to be ashamed of, why should they? And now, twenty years later, I am joyfully embracing granny-hood, and as ever, get it wrong sometimes. But I get it right occasionally too. My sons grew up strong and tall, and creative and hard-working and I am proud of them. Research shows that children brought up in lesbian households do as well as those with straight parents; academically, health-wise, size-wise – no difference, but the children of lesbians tend to be more empathetic adults. So I tend (maybe optimistically) to assume that having a gay granny is no bad thing for my lovely girls. And that can cause conflict. Sometimes I need reminding I am just a granny, not their mum and dad, and it is not my place to do anything else but love and cherish, buy school shoes and host family dinners. I know things have changed since I was a young mum. Not overheating a wee one to avoid cot death means I worry no end about cold feet; baby led weaning seems such a time-consuming way when a bowl of mushed mince and tatties is quicker to shovel in. If you ask my advice about parenting, I have some answers. What I haven’t learned to do is zip it when no-one asks for my opinion! As gay grannies go, I am lucky. From Lucie’s earliest days, my son and his partner referred to me as Granny and my partner as Granny Jane. They never questioned whether it was good or bad for their kids to spend time with us. When Lucie was

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Summer 2014

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Community Section about four, she asked Jane why she shared my bed. “It’s cosier,” replied Jane, which seemed the perfect answer at that stage. We hadn’t discussed it, assuming the girls would come to an awareness in their own time, and I have a stash of books about same-sex parenting to help explain more if I need to. In contrast, Jane’s son (who was in his thirties and a highly qualified professional who should have known better) feared that his unborn son would be bullied in primary school for having lesbian grandparents. It is the only time in my twenty years as a gay girl that I have ever experienced prejudice, and over the years Jane has been scared to fight my corner in case she gets cut off from her grandchildren.

as being her grand-children, and hadn’t really bonded with them anyway. My new partner doesn’t live with me, and I don’t expect her to love my grand-daughters as I do, although she enjoys being with them. Eventually, the girls will ask about the relationship and they will then be ready to understand that women can love women and men can love men. I don’t think it will be a problem.

Being a granny is magic, and not just because you can hand them back (although, yes, that is true!). I love the girls as I loved my boys; because we are family and my love is unconditional. I recently realised that if my sons were in a burning building, I would trust them to “Being a granny is magic, and not find their way out, and I know just because you can hand them back that if they couldn’t, I wouldn’t be strong enough to lift them (although, yes, that is true!). I love the out. But if my grandchildren girls as I loved my boys, because we are were in danger I would not hesitate to go in.

It raises a point; she had remained in a very unhappy marriage until her sons left school; had not come out to them when she had a much younger lesbian partner, and family and my love is unconditional.” Because gay or straight, being couldn’t believe that her oldest could behave in such a way. a grand-parent is such a Perhaps if she had followed her privilege, and an important part heart, been honest in the first place, she’d have had a son of children’s lives. I feel blessed to have the chance to be able to see she was happy, safe and loved. that person. n Jane and I split up two years ago. I was unable to cope with Penny Ward is 62, lives in north-east Scotland and is being side-lined and banned from visiting her son’s house, author of The Jewel, the story of the challenges a family and Jane could no longer stand my anger. It was sad, but face when one teenage son is left with a child and the the little ones missed her cat more than her, and accepted other is emerging as gay. Published by Fledgling Press quite readily that she’d gone back to her own house. I think and available as an e-book on Amazon, price £2.39. it was at that point I recognised that she hadn’t seen them

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issue Summer 2014

Community

The

Consulting Room

Whether it’s a legal issue, relationship or parenting problem, we answer your questions

Dear Consulting Room, I was on a camping holiday recently with my wife and two kids. There was an evening BBQ at the campsite and all the families joined in. We were the only same-sex couple there. Some boys of around 10 years old were playing together near us, wrestling on the grass. One of them who was watching jibed his friend, shouting ‘stop being so gay’. They were within earshot of their parents who didn’t react. I wanted to say something to educate him but felt I couldn’t; I didn’t know the kids or their parents who were nearby and was afraid I might cause a row. I have been in this situation before in the local playground and both times I felt uncomfortable. I hate hearing this casual use of ‘gay’ as an insult. I owe it to my children and myself to stand up for our family, but how can I do that in a way that is respectful?

Mandy, Loughborough Shaun Dellenty says: My respect to you for wanting to stand up to this! Sadly as we know from the evidence collected by Stonewall, the use of the word gay as a pejorative term is endemic in our schools and communities, not just by young people but also very worryingly sometimes teachers and adults. I also regularly hear from young people who feel that some adults working in schools condone this use of language by not challenging it. We also know that many young LGBT people and those with LGBT friends and family find the use of the word gay to describe something as being uncool or without worth extremely hurtful (not surprisingly). In my work I liken it to the use of the ‘N’ word and explore how they would feel about using the ‘N’ word to describe, say, a pair of trainers, a haircut or a missed goal in a football game; quite rightly, the reaction is without exception ‘of course we would never do that’.

From here I point out that the word gay can be used to describe something as happy or carefree (fine, use it) or to describe two people of the same sex who love each other (fine, please use it respectfully) or that it can be used to describe something as rubbish, uncool or without worth and that this has the potential to hurt people and make them want to damage themselves. Then an agreement needs to be reached, once the learning has taken place, that the pejorative use will no longer be tolerated. Many people use the word gay in this way without considering that it can appear homophobic or that it has the potential to hurt and therefore wherever possible we need to be challenging it. n

Shaun Dellenty is Deputy Headteacher of Alfred Salter Primary School, Southwark, London and founder of Inclusion For All, a charitable organisation which runs trainings and conferences to prevent LGBTQI bullying. Shaun speaks regularly about his work for many organisations including Stonewall, the National College of Teaching and Learning, the British Film Institute, NSPCC, Amnesty International, the Church of England and TEDx. www.inclusionforall.co.uk @ShaunDellenty

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Summer 2014

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Dear Consulting Room, We have two teenagers - our daughter is at university and our son is in his last year at school. Our daughter came home recently looking very different - her long hair replaced with short and her clothing less girly. She sat us down and announced that she is a lesbian. My husband and I do not have an issue as we’ve always supported our children and we can see she is happy. However we’re struggling with how to help our son who has taken it badly. He’s not speaking to his sister and says she’s not the same person. We tried explaining that you have to accept people for who they are but he got quite upset and said he wished she’d leave home. My husband then got angry. Our kids have always been quite close but this has driven them apart. Our daughter is really hurt and we are sad that our son is being so unaccepting. How can we help him get over this? Mary and Keith, Dorset Jackie Briggs says: I can assure you that you are not alone. It is painful when siblings who have got on so well in the past suddenly become distant and uncommunicative. You and your husband’s patience is a great tool for dealing with your son’s current lack of care for his sister. I suggest speaking to him in a completely non-confrontational way. Say you too have been taken aback by your daughter coming out and that her new appearance took you by surprise. Your son could be afraid of repercussions with his close friends if they find out his sister in now out. Maybe your son’s school has a counsellor he could speak to confidentially – somebody he can trust to express his personal feelings. We find at Families Together London that the ability to talk to people disconnected with family helps people open up without creating unwanted distress to nearest and dearest. Your daughter is still the same person within and her sexuality is only part of who she is. Without realising it he has loved her as a lesbian and now she is out. She is fundamentally the same sister he had before she went to university. Both your children at this time need support and even if you and your husband are finding it difficult to accept your son’s behaviour, he is on a journey himself, which can take time. With patience and understanding you will hopefully find unity again. n

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Jackie Briggs is a member of the steering committee of Families Together London, a volunteer support group who meet twice a month. She is the mother of two grown-up children. Her son came out when he was approaching his teens and her daughter came out in her mid-20s. FTL is attended by people of different faiths and ethnic groups. The Steering Committee are not professional counsellors but all have a child/children who are LGBT and therefore have experienced their own difficulties in coming to terms with their child’s sexuality. www.familiestogetherlondon.com

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Unsung LGBT heroes…

James Barry

Words: Jess Rotas

Military surgeon James Barry was born around 1789. In 1809 he began his studies at Edinburgh Medical School, before travelling to London to complete his training as a surgeon. From there he enlisted in the British Army and traversed the globe, rising through the military ranks. By the end of his career he had reached the pinnacle of his profession as Inspector General in charge of military hospitals. He garnered much respect and criticism along the way – upsetting some with his emphasis not only on the treatment of wounded soldiers, but also native inhabitants, women and the poor. Among his medical accolades Barry performed one of the first successful Caesarean sections, whereby both mother and child survived. Whilst his bedside manner may have been irreproachable, he is rumoured to have been argumentative, aggressive and secretive (it was reported that whilst in Crimea he argued with Florence Nightingale). Small in stature, cleanshaven, with a high-pitched voice, he challenged anyone who questioned his masculinity to a duel. As well as being reputed to be a womanizer, rumours also connected him romantically with Lord Somerset. It wasn’t until 1865, after his death from dysentery, that Barry’s ‘true sex’ was discovered. The woman who tended the body after death pronounced Barry female (and to have at some point borne a child). The situation came to light after an exchange between the register office and Barry’s doctor, who had issued a death certificate on which Barry was identified as male. The doctor later stated that the deceased might have been inter-sex. Barry’s early life is rife with myth and speculation with no contemporary records to corroborate various details. For instance the exact date of Barry’s birth is uncertain, as is his original identity (two possible names are Margaret Bulkley and Miranda Stuart). His nationality, sexuality and gender are disputed. With so much ambiguity, who can claim Barry as their hero? What is Barry’s legacy? There are two hypothesis. Perhaps she is feminist hero? The earliest definitive record relates to his graduation from Edinburgh in 1812, at a time when women were forbidden to study to be doctors. Barry posed as a man to become the first female graduate in Britain, fooled the army and then kept her sex secret for half a century. Or was Barry trans in an era and society that did not have any awareness of gender identity in this way? Perhaps he adopted a male identity because he identified as a man. We have no way of knowing how Barry felt about his/her gender. We don’t know whether she inwardly identified as a woman, or he identified as a man. We do know that Barry spent his adult life fighting to be identified as male in a very male dominated world. Barry also explicitly wished to be buried in the clothes he died in, not to be embalmed or laid out and to have no post-mortem. In short, his wish was to die and be remembered as a man. n 50

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Summer 2014

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Community

Contacts: Adoption and Fostering:

New Family Social, 0843 289 9457, newfamilysocial.co.uk UK-wide organisation for LGBT adopters and prospective adopters.

Advice: London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, 0300 330 0630 (10am-11pm daily). Free and confidential support and information to LGBT communities throughout the UK.

Bisexual: Bisexual Helpline, 0845 450 1263 (Tues/Weds 7.30-9.30pm). National help and advice line for bisexual people.

Homophobia: EACH, Freephone helpline 0808 100 0143 (Mon-Fri , 10am5pm), eachaction.org.uk Charity providing support to individuals affected by homophobia and training to organisations committed to realising an equal and safe environment for all, regardless of sexuality, age, ethnicity or ability.

Legal Advice/Crime etc: Broken Rainbow, 0208 539 9507 (Mon-Fri 9am-1pm, 2-5pm). National helpline for LGBT victims of domestic violence. Equality and Human Rights Commission, 0845 604 6610, equalityhumanrights.com Stonewall, stonewall.org.uk National equality charity for lesbian, gay and bisexual people. Free info service line for advice on rights, local support groups/services and gay friendly solicitors: 08000 50 20 20 Survivors UK, 0845 122 1201 Open Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7-10pm. Confidential telephone counselling for male survivors of childhood and adult sexual abuse and rape.

UK Lesbian and Gay Immigration Group, 020 7922 7811 (information) or 020 7654 0686 (claiming asylum), uklgig.org.uk Help for foreign LGBT nationals claiming asylum in the UK. Victim Support, 0845 3030 900, victimsupport.org.uk Practical and emotional support for victims of crime, including homophobic hate crime.

Muslim al-fatiha.org The UK branch of the international LGBT Muslim group Al-Fatiha. NAZ Project (London), 0208 741 1879, npl@naz.org.uk naz.org.uk A LGB run organisation that offers HIV, AIDS and sexual health services for South Asian, Middle Eastern, Horn of Africa, Latin American and excluded communities.

Lesbian:

Sikh, sarbat.net info@sarbat.net Group for LGBT Sikhs.

Kenric BM Kenric, London WC1N 3XX. 01622 741213, kenric.org The UK’s longestestablished, national lesbian social networking organisation.

Somali, somaligaycommunity.org Support and information for gay Somalians.

Race and Religion: African/African-Carribean, bgmag.org.uk Black gay men’s advisory group. Catholic, 0808 808 0234, questgaycatholic.org.uk Quest – a group and helpline for LGBT Catholics. Christian, 020 7739 1249, lgcm.org.uk The Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement. Hindu, galva108.org Website dedicated to the teachings of Lord Caitanya and the Vedic concept of a natural third gender. Imaan (Muslim LGBT support group, London), 07849 170793, imaan.org.uk Support and social group specifically aimed at LGBT Muslims, their family, friends and supporters – or any Muslim questioning his/her sexuality or gender identity. Jewish, 0750 492 4742, jglg.org.uk UK-based Jewish lesbian, gay and bisexual Group. Jewish L&G Helpline, 020 7706 3123 (Mon and Thurs eves only). National helpline for LGB members of the Jewish community.

Sexual Health: Sexwise, 0800 28 29 30. Confidential advice on sex, contraception and relationships for under 18s.

Support for Loved Ones: Families and friends of lesbians and gays, 0845 652 0311, fflag.org.uk National support group. Straight Partners Anonymous, straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk A support group for straight people whose partner is LGB. Based in Milton Keynes, their web site offers support throughout the UK.

Transexual/Transgender: Depend, depend.org.uk Free, confidential, non-judgemental advice, information and support to all family members, spouses, partners and friends of transsexual people in the UK. Transgender Network, Equality South West, East Reach House, East Reach, Taunton, Somerset. 01823 250833, equalitysouthwest.org.uk A support network which aims to raise awareness around transgender equality issues in the region.

We are looking for people to adopt or offer a permanent home for one of our children who are waiting for a family in which they can grow up and enjoy legal security and a sense of belonging. We strongly encourage applications from LGBT people who would love to become parents, so whether you are single, cohabiting, or in a civil partnership, as adopters for Wandsworth you are guaranteed support and this may include a financial package to meet the needs of the child. Please call us for an informal discussion on (020) 8871 7184 about what you may be able to offer a child for whom adopting is our plan.

AD.1039b (9.13)

Visit our website at www.wandsworth.gov.uk/adoption where you can hear some of our adopters talk about how adoption has changed their lives.