"That's all I remember doc". Lucy finishes telling her tale of where she's been to Dr. Kodak. Incredibly, the atone triptamine experience was every bit as weird as Lucy had imagined it to be. As she had anticipated, she had indeed relived one of her memories, still kept locked up inside her beautiful mind, inside of her beautiful head, and as she pulls back one brunette hair parting with her knuckle she leans on one elbow. "I saw him again; he was so sad. Sad for what he was" --"the soldier..." interjected Dr.Kodak "the soldier" continued Lucy. Dr Kodak said "the soldier doesn't really exist, Lucy. Despite what you imagine, he isn't someone you knew. He is a part of you. An aspect of your subconscious. Nothing more. Dr Kodak felt so sure he was telling Lucy the truth, of that Lucy was sure, and for a moment she had felt then something she had not felt for a long time here: comfort. Dr.Kodak's smoothly professional manner had soothed her. He was certainly as slick as any Dr.Kildare. Or Dr Mengale.............. { an unclear passage of time } "You may feel a pronounced disorientation now, Lucy and become aware of things that are not really real bbbffjhxx has become experience my voice as pronounced nonsense. Non-sense, Lucy. Nonsense plus no sense equals the dilullibility sqqwx....". Dr.Kodak's voice trailed off now, becoming more distant as Lucy drifted inward. Lucy was Fourteen again. She was watching a stark white ceiling move down and down, each light fitting, each ceiling-marking moving down and away from Lucy rapidly as she is being pushed along hospital corridors, she wonders what they are going to do to her. When she had first discovered that she was pregnant she had a strange new feeling. The feeling was of being frightened, but at the same time a kind of ecstatic joy; Lucy felt good to bring a new version of herself into the world. Then she had realized Mum and Dad would have to know; and she'd have to admit that she'd let a boy do that to her. She didn't like to make her parents angry, and it was difficult for her. It wasn't that bad, it was just the thought of it, and it was confusing her. Stupidly, she had told her form tutor, Mrs Cranbourne, that the reason there were tears in her eyes (only one or two) was not because the wind had been whipping her beautiful eyes that windy winters morning in December, told her the truth (and one or two tears welled up in this Lucy's eyes now too, as she remembered this) about how she felt ("both so happy and so sad"), her hopes, her plans : "we could all live together and be a family; me,and maybe Chris will want to too (they'd only done it once apart from 'dry-snuggles') settle down with our baby somewhere, an Andy or an Emily, we'll teach them to swim and play chess........" "Just leave it in our hands, Lucy. There's no need to worry about a thing. Your Mother and Father need never know about this. You've made the right choice Lucy." Lucy had wondered what Dr.Gosch had meant by what he said. She certainly hadn't decided anything. She supposed that must have been why she had got herself sent here. She knew that they would help her to decide what best to do. She hadn't bargained just how hard they would "help" her. When Lucy woke up she realized now her baby was gone. She caught herself feeling cut-off. She knew now she wouldn't ever feel Emily or Andie's kicks. She had wondered at how funny they would feel. Something was seriously missing. What Lucy felt next was a crashing wave of sorrow. Lucy felt a part of her was dead. Lucy was crying now. "I feel guilty" she said. She did. This felt like a dream, to Lucy. It just didn't seem real. She felt it hard to believe; her reality twisted and turned with a surrealistic quality to it's edge. "That's a very common reaction Lucy, and nothing to worry about" said Dr Kodak briskly. His pure patronization caused Lucy Nausea. 'Well then why didn't you tell me before ?' she thought. But Lucy still trusted. Lucy snapped out of it and back to the present as she caught herself snapping another tablet out of it's wrapping as Dr Kodak sat in all his would-be benignity opposite her; she faded in, then out. She picked up the glass of water in front of her and swallowed it's contents with the pill. The pill tasted bitter. Bitter and sour. Down Lucy's neck the pill fell, now.
Dr Kodak's beady gray eyes mechanically focused on her and observed her as if through a thick sheet of clear corrugated iron perhaps five thousand miles away now as Lucy fell like the pill, like the pill she dropped. Now here she was; falling, falling. And then Lucy knew who she really was, who she had been all the time, when you flipped the mirror over, that's when you saw the truth. She could remember all that now. Down, down, down, down. Just freefalling now. Just like she used to. When she really was little. She would/she was close/closing her eyes and just freefall/freefalling. She knew she could slip through matter despite it's apparent density if she traveled without her body. "It's freed her" Dr Kodak remarked, with some frozen amusement. He exuded a deathly pallor. Pale freezing thick air seemed to travel in his gaze. But Lucy didn't mind and Lucy was free. Free to forget. As Lucy forgot she remembered. She gradually remembered the pieces clicking in as a jigsaw puzzle. She gradually remembered. Lucy gradually remembered what she could do. What she was capable of. And suddenly Lucy was asleep, although she was wide awake. The pills she was trying this week in the "therapy room" were a near cousin of ketamine. Dr. Christopher Kodak's face creased into a cascade of wrinkles currently as he read his "dear Lucy's" expression. His grey-pink wet tongue touched the top edge of his teeth as he inwardly nodded to himself, knowingly. Lucy was in the 'k-hole'. Of that he was sure. He wondered how long now she had been there. Lucy could remember now. Lucy could remember that she didn't need her body; hadn't needed her body; when she was five. That was the last time; the last time before she had known that she did need her body. She could remember how she then could fall out of her body (straight down vertically; just dropping like an elevator...and how frightening yet wonderful it felt...) and into a kind of sleep just as easily as her eternal soul could live or die. "I am the princess !" She would say to herself and then literally, just let go. As she let go, she would drop. Just fall out of the souls of her little feet; just like that. Goodbye body; everybody. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hear I go ! From here she could go anywhere. Dream whatever she imagined. [Dr Kodaks notes here indicate he believes Lucy's consciousness has now been split into a trinity of three Lucy's. Her mind, he now believes, has become its own ultimately real yet unreal cosmic plain. Lucy was now simultaneously her persona trapped back into the pure persona of her five year-old self; the persona of Lucy, aged Fourteen; and Lucy now.] Now Lucy was in the hole, her awareness of this reality was completely replaced by the strange remembered reality. Though her eyes remained open on this material plane, and her body led on Dr Kodaks couch on the inside, she simply wasn't here, but was instead reliving her experience as the very occultly-gifted five year old that she had been. [Dr Kodaks notes : Lucy's fourteen year old persona provided a bridge in Lucy's mental map. In the personal religion of my patients subconscious, her fourteen year old self is the archetypal virgin Mother Goddess. My patients five year-old self persona provides the near-tabula rosa needed to instil the experimental software into. My patient as she is now must be taken back, hypnotically regressed to her archetypal bridge between selves. She must then fully remold with this part before she can, in psychological terms 'give birth' to the child Lucy who knew what she was capable of. A combination of ketamine relative drug, kt382f and high-powered electronic hypnosis is being used on the subject currently.] It was the 'elves' who had originally endowed the unborn Lucy with the astralizing magick code words to use to re-acsess the astral worlds. "I am the princess !" was like a key into a lock; the softly spoken elfin magick took the bodiless (Lucy would later learn she could have a body here too; she would have to remember dreaming it) Lucy to the plane of colours. Into the swirling colours Lucy fell. Upwards and downwards, at the same time. Here Lucy was free. She was in the void right now, and she loved it. Inside the void was just pure
peace.Back in Dr Kodak's office, Lucy stared directly ahead, entirely glazed, looking but not seeing. Dr Kodak chuckled to himself as he observed his regressed persona looking for a life to live/his organic robot looking for a program to run.