watermark | gossip
| June 24 - July 8, 2010
billymasters
46
“I need a girlfriend. I’m looking for funny, someone who can deal with a busy schedule, which has been a problem in the past. Just a cool girl. I need someone to hang out with me.” —Evan Lysacek tells RadarOnline what he’s looking for in a girlfriend. Yeah, that’s what straight guys always say they’re looking for—a funny girl to hang out with. That’s not a girlfriend, that’s a fag hag (no offense).
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Finding that sex appeal Billy Masters Billy@BillyMasters.com
his month, The National Enquirer had an eye-catching headline, “007 Is Gay!” I assume this one was about one of those lesser “007s”—like George Lazenby. But, no, this story is about Daniel Craig—the current “James Bond.” Allegedly, someone saw him kissing a good looking man outside a gay bar in Venice, Calif. While the “eyewitness” does say he observed the couple from across a parking lot, he recalls a startling amount of details for someone trying to parallel park: “It was an open-mouth passionate French kiss. In fact, Daniel held the guy’s head in his hands and pulled him in for the kiss.” Who the hell was this witness? Jackie Collins? And yet Mr. Craig and his longtime girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell just purchased a one-bedroom penthouse in NYC. How do these two items fit together? Ironically, the real estate agent who sold Danny the place happens to be former porn star Tag Eriksson. The shocking part of this story is that Tag got a commission on a $1.9 million deal! If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times—comedy ain’t for amateurs. I am not saying every time I take a swing, I hit it out of the park. But I can’t tell you the last time I held for a laugh and only heard crickets. But I know when I last saw it happen to someone
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else—during Paula Abdul’s tribute to Simon Cowell on the American Idol finale. My favorite part of the night was having most of the AI winners (and a significant chorus of losers) sing “Together We Are One.” So, I’m counting the winners and I’m one short. I try again—same thing. Who is missing? I can’t think of anyone. It took me a good five minutes before I came up with the name David Cook—who was previously committed to perform at a cancer benefit out of state—and given this is the disease that claimed his brother’s life, one can’t fault him for that. Some also-rans were strangely absent. I was looking for Nikki McKibbin (season one, third place), but apparently her invitation got lost in the mail. And yet the seventh place contestant from season two, Kimberly Caldwell, was front and center. No Daughtry. No Kimberley Locke. No Clay Aiken. And what about Adam Lambert? First we heard he’s on “vocal rest”—but how much voice does someone need to sing in the choir with the other non-winners? Then he posted on Twitter that the AI invitation was, “You’ve not been asked to perform on the finale. Would you like to sit in the audience?” Call me skeptical, but I find it inconceivable that Lambert wasn’t invited to be in the chorus but someone invited Anoop! Really? I still say he simply didn’t want to be lumped in with the other past losers. While many things about Bradley Cooper may be open to speculation, there’s no denying his beauteous bod. You look at him and say, “Now that’s a hot guy.” You know who else says that? Bradley! In an interview with Details magazine, he talks about the first time he saw his A-Team flick: “I swear to God, it looked like my head was digitally superimposed onto someone else’s body. I was like, ‘This cannot be me—that’s the way I look?’ As a kid I only fantasized about looking that way. Remember Soloflex commercials? That was huge when I was a kid. It was like, ‘I wanna be the Soloflex guy. Mom, can we get the Soloflex?” Hmmm, he fantasized about Scott Madsen, the Soloflex guy? Shocking!
The A-Team’s Bradley Cooper is hot—and he knows it.
I, too, asked my Mom a similar question. But I didn’t want the Soloflex—I wanted Scott. Our “Ask Billy” question come from Sam in Orlando, FL: “What do you know about Ronnie Kroell, the openly gay guy from the first season of Make Me a Supermodel? I heard he was going to do porn or something?” Yes to the “or something” part. The sexy runner-up is the centerfold in the upcoming print edition of Playgirl. In an unprecedented turn, the publishers gave Ronnie full creative control over the shoot— he picked the photographer, stylist, etc. So if you don’t like ‘em, the buck stops there. Needless to say, there’s lots of interest in these nude photos. But where can you see ‘em first? At BillyMasters.com, of course. Let’s just say he’s, um, “impressive”—to say the least. I’m told that 50% of the money he raises selling autographed copies of Playgirl will be donated to the fight to legalize samesex marriage. When buying Playgirl is helping gay marriage, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Before we sign off, let’s take a moment and remember the fabulous Rue McClanahan—thank you for being a friend. Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible. | l | Make Me a Supermodel runner up Ronnie Kroell is baring all for PlayGirl.