Mudd Feild to close forever
D-DAD DOC (THE OG)
BOOTY
SAD FRISBEE PLAYERS
Earlier this week the University announced that after graduation Mudd Field is going close forever.
On the eastern half will be a new building exclusively for Olin business school students, complete with a green space or ‘networking nursery,’ where aspiring McKinsey employees can get a chance to spread their wings in a safe, non-judgemental environment.
With pricing for on-campus parking permits skyrocketing to the point that many students park off campus or simply accept parking tickets as they come, the WashU administration has decided to use the western half of the field as a parking garage to allow for more space.
The garage will hopefully reduce the cost of parking on campus by two dollars and twenty six cents, which is also the amount it costs to buy two slices of whole wheat bread at any of the dining halls on campus.
While students might be sad to see the end of an era for what is basically, “an oversized patch of turf,” the increased student body has forced administrators to make tough decisions no one else had the spirit to make.
Senior Fillomena Kunk, who used to park three blocks away from campus and make the dangerous trek to class from DeMunn, is thrilled about the new parking garage on campus.
“I love driving my car in those really skinny lanes up and down a parking garage when I have to pee at the same time,” Kunk said.
Part of the administrator’s reasoning for adding this parking garage is to help increase pedestrian awareness on campus. Students need to learn how to manage foot traffic better when cars are around, since right now they are getting too comfortable walking with their eyes glued to their phones.
“I’m pretty sure the only person who cared about Mudd field was the WashU dog, and maybe those Contraception guys who are always trying to toss,” Sophomore Mandrew Shartin said.
Kwinncy the WashU dog was despondent when they heard about the news and did not eat a single treat for nineteen and a half hours.
“Woof, woof, sad,” he said. The garage will be named for John
David Anthony Miller (JDAM) a former arms executive who after seeing The Brutalist began making structures out of cement for fun.
“The JDAM garage will be a singular achievement in parking garage technology,” he said. “While students will miss the green space we are working on a proprietary shade of green paint that will give them the same visual sensation of looking at grass.”
Construction will begin on the garage 20min after the end of commencement (take your grad pictures fast) and conclude in the 2033. Unfortunately building such a delicate structure will require Miller’s craftsmen to work by hand throughout the day and into the night.
“The sounds of hammers and construction will serve to be a new symphony of sound on campus.”
Key administrators have also revealed new information about the news business building, Kunkles 3, and all of its features.
Olin students and faculty voiced their excitement for the new networking nursery, 500+ coffee chat shop, and B-frat suites.
The Nursery will have 24/7 swipe access for Olin students and has launched a diversity initiative to hire
Sam Fox students to work on the Nursery’s landscaping and maintain the logo-shruberry of Bain, Mastercard, Capitol One, PCG, Kraft-Hines.
Department Chair and Fortune
500 CEO Lance Cunningham said it’s important Olin helps students pursuing majors in other disciplines opportunities expand their network.
“Especially at an institution with so many high-value students, we need to ensure they’re following their true passion and know all the
opportunities they’re missing out on by finger-painting instead of working in consulting or investment banking.”
The 500+ coffee chat shop, which will likely be referred to as “Club Five-HundWU” is only open to students who are majoring in Olin, have at least 500 connections on LinkedIn, and can name 5 of the ten highest earning WashU alumni of all time.
“I am excited to spend time in a space with such distinguished
individuals,” said sophomore Kendall Boy, “I am hoping to get an internship at all of the top companies, but really just the ones my parents work for.”
Junior Gwendolyn AnhauserBusch said she is thrilled to have an indoor space where she will get valuable experience practicing “conversational dynamics,” and “putting herself in the other person’s shoes.”
Each table in the coffee shop has a ten min timer so that no executive is at risk of missing a board meeting, and to ensure each student will maximize efficiency.
“We expect all of our students to get an offer from any top firm within a ten minute period of time,” Professor Bain and his co-teacher Professor And-Company wrote in a joint email to Student Life. “We teach our students to maximize every movement of their body and each action from the moment they wake up until they sit down.”
The top three floors of Kunkles 3 are reserved for brothers of each one of WashU’s premier business frats.
While each sorority suite is roughly 300 square feet, with the generous support of the Kunkles family each B-frat floor will be 20 thousand square feet (Roughly the same size of the every sociology and anthropology professors office combined).
The suites will come with their own personal try cleaner and tailor for any last minute hems or alterations needed for suits. There will also be a letterhead station where students can personalize their resume and cover letter.
There will be “group work areas” and multiple conference rooms where students can meet, and critically debrief the quality of their meetings. The floors will have Hydrogen water on tap, mini fridges stocked with Celcius, and over a thousand packs of jawline gum. Business students have the most to gain from the changes coming to Mudd field, and while students from other schools might be frustrated it is the Olin Business school name that brings both money and pride to our great university.
The loss of a central green space is sure to reverberate around campus in the coming years, but it will not be powerful enough to drown out the sounds of cars traversing the JDAM and discussions happening within WashU’s most important board rooms.
Riney Hall’s got a new name: the Center for University Management
JORD INSPECTOR
MANAGING SNOOZE EDITOR
“We wanted something like the DUC, something catchy. When Dr. Jee suggested the ‘Center for University Management,’ something that could be so easily abbreviated, we all looked at each other. We knew this was the one,” Chancellor Fartin told Student Life in an interview on Wednesday. Student Life’s interview with Chancellor Fartin came after WashU administration announced that Riney Hall was launching a new brand identity.
The Center for University Management is, first and foremost, a name indicative of the building’s role on campus. “We know that professors are often requesting new classroom spaces and that students are searching for more social environments. There is a lot that we have to straddle: our students, our professors, and our own needs. Ultimately, we felt like a building that meets the demands of University management — that is financial, marketing, administrative offices — should be our top priority,” Chancellor Fartin said.
The administration’s recent announcement to the WashU student body echoed the Chancellor’s words, calling this new building
“an opportunity for University management to be sat directly into the lap of WashU’s campus.” A colloquial ‘crown jewel.’
Despite the building’s primary purpose as a center for administrative offices, the new branding campaign hints at opportunities for students to potentially enjoy their time there as well.
“The shaft [referencing the shape of the building] will be comprised of 110,000 floors, each with a different theme,” Monday’s announcement reads. “A campus pub will be located at the base.”
The Pub for Engaged Students, a tentative name for this new recreational space, will serve a variety of snacks and beverages, “creating a truly climactic experience for our students: a chance to fill your hearts, your mouths, and hopefully, many more of the holes in our community.” In compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, the Center will have a ramp to the top floor. There is no plan for elevator access.
A new Office of the Chancellor will be located at the tip, overlooking the brand-new CUM Quad between the West side of Olin Library and the new Boeing statue.
The move is in direct response to past political action on campus, allowing the Chancellor to
oversee all activities. A large red button that immediately alerts the Missouri National Guard will be installed under his desk for quicker threat assessment. The announcement notes that the branding campaign can be
subject to change between now and the final erection of the building. Students must wait until 2028 for the Center for University Management to finish. “As we edge nearer to completion, probably sometime in about two to
three years from now, we plan to reveal a more thorough statement outlining the plans for the building,” Chancellor Fartin ejaculated. “This launch is just a taste of what’s to come.”
University leaks official Blueprint for Mudd field in group chat with stud life journalists.
The university has begun advertising CUM across campus.
BEEKAY KEB | PHOTO EDITOR
TAKEN WITH AN IPHONE
University paved the way for a new construction of the JDAM parking garage on Mudd Field.
NOODLE JD UNDIE | PHOOOOOOO EDITOR
Washu student bravely declares single major
Sophomore Coray Juss declared a standalone major in Anthropology last Thursday, a decision hailed as “brave” by his friends, family, and academic advisors alike.
Juss’ freshman year roommate Eva McKlein told Student Life that she was initially “shocked” to hear the news, but that she trusts Juss to “make the best of the situation” when explaining to future employers why he didn’t pursue a second major.
“It takes bravery to take down the system from the inside,” McKlein shared. “But that’s just the kind of person that Coray is. He’s a pioneer.”
Juss, an alumni of the Beyond Boundaries program, has narrowed his academic focus with laser precision. According to Beyond Boundaries program director Jennifer Harpring, Juss successfully “surpassed a new boundary” by declaring only one major. He is the first alumni of the program to do so.
“Coray Juss courageously exemplifies the creativity and inventiveness we hope to instill in our cohort by pursuing only the one major and not additional ones in Gender Studies or English or something like that,” Harping told Student Life.
Juss’s mother, Joan Juss, told Student Life that “Coray is wasting my tuition money by not pursuing more majors.” After being interviewed, she followed up by email to share that she’s “so disappointed in [her] ungrateful brat of a son” When asked to comment on his decision to not pursue additional majors, Juss put it simply: “It’s Juss what I do.”
Bunny statue to be replaced by bronze of WashU Dog
The University announced Friday that it will replace the rabbit statue inspired by Rodin’s “The Thinker” with a 12-foot-tall replica of Qwuincy, The WashU Dog. The move comes as WashU rebrands to differentiate itself from all the other universities with piss-covered, pensive rodent statues.
Qwuincy, identifiable by his red WashU kerchief, has been a beloved staple on campus since before WashU ripped him off with Crookie and Bare. For many freshman,
ahem *first-years*, getting posted on the Instagram in a crotch-shot, I mean squatting pose, besides Qwuincy is a WashU rite of passage.
WashU Dog Mom said that she is beyond elated that her baby will be memorialized at such an iconic location on campus.
“I just hope that certain traditions of defacing the bunny statue die with its replacement,” she added.
Jules Flowers—Vice Chancellor of Making WashU Look Good—-said that they couldn’t think of anything more iconic than the WashU Dog to cement the university’s brand.
“We hope that placing
the WashU dog so prominently on our campus will expand our brand recognition and improve our U.S News Best Colleges ranking,” Flowers wrote in an email comment to Student Life. “We have great hopes for the memorable pairing of a sandy-colored dog and our world-class research.”
However, not all WashU students are sanguine about the retirement of the rabbit. One such junior student, who requested anonymity out of fear of professional repercussions and doxxing, said that they have had beef with Qwuincy since their first-year.
“I know this is highly
controversial, but I actually don’t like the WashU dog because I have taken multiple photos with it and none of them have ever been posted,” they said. “I am not sure if I don’t meet the beauty standards to be on the Insta or what, but all this makes me really indignant about this whole statue business.”
“That dog also once took a bite out of my laptop, and I had to get it replaced,” they added.
The statue is just one change in a slate of replacements planned for the WashU rebrand which also includes the replacement of The Clocktower with an Ivory Tower.
Flowers mentioned that WashU has often been critiqued as the “castle on the hill” in St. Louis and they have decided to embrace this perception. “WashU has been thought about as this ‘castle on the hill’ in a derogatory way, and we finally just said why don’t we just embrace it and actually build an ivory tower,” wrote Flowers. “We want all WashU students to feel like they can let down their hair and be their true princess selves in our community. We want to know each student by their fairytale!”
SIMON HALL DONOR
GLIZZY LIZZY FUN AND GAMES EDITOR
ILLUSTRATION BY QWUINCY
Supposedly, 1 in 4 WashU undergraduate students are Jewish, and yet, in my seven semesters here, I have yet to meet my very own nice Jewish boy (NJB). For eight generations, members of my family have attended this fine university, each one graduating engaged to an NJB or NJG (nice Jewish girl). My parents met during sophomore year in Data Science for Politics, my grandparents met in Foundations of Business their freshman year, and my great-grandparents met in
BD—my great-grandmother caught her future husband’s eye when serving him an extra scoop of brisket. The story goes that my great-great-great-greatgreat-grandmother was there when Mr. WashU bought the plot of land where the University would one day be founded. Mr. WashU maintains that the minute the two locked eyes, he was destined to be WashU’s first NJB (and my great-great-greatgreat-great-grandfather).
However, she said she knew the miracle of Hanukkah was real and that he must be hers when Mr. WashU lasted for eight days.
With half a semester left of my college career and still without an NJB, I am worried I will bring this long-standing tradition to a halt. I will be permanently relegated to the kids’ table at Passover Seder, and have to get re-bat mitzvahed because clearly I am no Jewish adult.
My aunts keep telling me that I should join JDate but I want to meet the love of my life authentically—how else would I tell that an NJB’s horns are real and he is not posing as a gentile with exceptional photoshopping skills?
Before you accuse me of failing to look, here are
just some of the places I frequent: weekly Shabbat dinners at Chabad, Hillel’s Sunday Bagel Brunch, Jardies (Jewish parties), the men’s bathrooms, Cafe Berg, and B-school classes despite not being in Olin. During Yom Kippur, instead of focusing on repenting for my sins, I watched as potential NJBs got down on the ground pleading for Hashem’s forgiveness. (I have a lot of repentance to do next year.)
Last semester, I hid my 5’2” self inside the counter at the Kosher food station in BD, praying one sweet sweet NJB would open the cabinet
and meet my eyes. For a while, I thought that I was the problem, that there actually are plenty of eligible NJBs at WashU. I had a conversation with a friend who experienced a similar crisis.
“There’s a shortage of NJBs,” senior Rachel Bergstein said. “All the NJBs at this school are either in a relationship, gay, or have made out with half of the student body.”
Rachel has a point. One year during the High Holy Days, I blew the shofar for Hillel. While blowing the shofar is a mitzvah, I secretly wanted to show off some other skills… (Don’t
tell the Rabbi!) Much to my dismay, I was joined by a group of guys revealing their sexualities with some of the best blowing techniques I had ever seen. Rachel has recently admitted defeat and is dating a gentile. However, I still have hope! Mr. NJB, my favorite little weatherman, I know you are out there and I am not giving up on you despite any tornadoes you send my way!
So, if you are an NJB looking for an NJG, I will be waiting for you on Monday at 5:39pm in Bauer with a tray of homemade kugel. May the biggest schnoz win!
8-TIME CAPTION CONTEST WINNER
Never in all my six years as a WooHoo undergraduate student have I felt compelled enough to articulate my thoughts on the page, let alone send an email, and to Student Libel of all organizations! However, when I learned that StudLib was nearly sued for writing something high-key reputation-ruining, I was disappointed. Disappointed that they were nearly, not actually sued! Here is an organization willing to write B.S. (Baloney Sandwich) and to point spotlights at staff writers’ actual oppositions (the one where the writer’s
randomly assigned roommate borrowed, without asking, and tore up their roommate’s bed sheets with their long-ass toenails was a deserved callout, IMO). StudLib cannot simultaneously expect to not face the consequences of such actions. In fact, they should welcome them… and consider lawsuits an honor. What the heck. What the ACTUAL freak. You’re absolutely bonkers bananas. Off your rocker. If you know me in real life, that’s probably what you’d say to a take as piping hot as this one. I seriously doubt anyone has ever thought this, so it’s exactly why it feels necessary to
write and publish this in the Forum section, especially at a time like this one. Let me explain in a separate paragraph why I am uniquely positioned to speak on this topic:
As someone who has won the caption contest eight separate times at various champion levels (I win Gold, also known as first place, most often), I am highly qualified to write on this topic. The caption contest QR code is on the back page of the paper, so that means I have to skim everything in a given StudLib issue before I can even get to crafting my submission. All this is to say that I am highly informed about the
character of the content that StudLib produces. I can attest that everything, and I mean everything, that StudLib produces is highly slanderous and libelous. Great! That’s the way I freaking like it. Other than the lawsuit from last week, StudLib is hardly ever recognized for the hard work they do. Bad, very bad. Let me be clear: I love this organization. It’s essentially flawless, other than not producing enough libelous content every week, and everyone who works on the staff is basically extremely handsome/beautiful/ethereal and I wasn’t paid to say that. I specifically court
StudLib staff because every time I bring one of those Señorita Awesomes to my sisters’ debutante balls, my relatives fawn over my dates so much that I start to feel like the belle of the ball. Yeah. As someone who was born and raised in Roku City, that means a lot.
The point is that if StudLib is going to keep doing what they are doing, they need to start accepting the recognition that comes their way. WooHoo might have a lawyer for a reason, but we only have one lawyer, Mr. Bushmaster-Short, J.D. And I don’t trust him. The other day I was getting something to drink at the FUC and I heard him order a “clocky tea, hold the boots.” Who the hell holds the boots? A man who tells the barista to hold the boots from his clocky tea should not be allowed to order a clocky tea in the first place. The final point is that Student Libel isn’t Student Libel if they aren’t being sued for libel. Wear that badge like an honor, damn it. Students at WooHoo should either join or send StudLib more libelous
PIERS VAN BUREN (STUDENT SUBMISSION)
Why does it take 20 people to figure out that the university should release a statement?
This is what the Student Life staff editorial team does every week, and it’s a waste of everyone’s time. What service do the editorial journalists at Student Life think they are providing to the greater WashU community? The schlock they write is just a reiteration of opinions I’m sure most of us had in passing weeks ago. I get through reading all of the fluff at the start just for the cold
take to be that Andrew Fartin should send out another email or something and I’m left feeling hollow inside. I want to see a hot take from the editorial board. Put it to print that you think Greek Life should be expanded, or that racism isn’t actually an issue on this campus anymore. I would rather see this newspaper run its reputation into the ground by speaking its truth than serve up last week’s cold takes in a format that no one wants to read. But that’s never going to happen. There’s images to be kept up and money to be
made by keeping it all lukewarm.
This is my hot take. I would rather see the editorial team cease publication of their weekly staff editorials than continue to publish the same dreck they’ve been putting out for years.
I’m calling on the editors of Student Life to put an end to my misery. Make room for real student voices. Stop taking up space in your paper for the cold takes of a room full of people with nothing better to do than whine about slates. It’s about time.
WashU to receive millions from Trump administration for lack of DEI initiatives
President Donald Trump is set to contribute millions in funding for WashU following Chancellor Wandrew Wartin’s 2025 State of the University speech.
“It is so inspiring to see the beautiful people of WashU — right here in D.C. — committing to the advancement of hard working Americans — like myself — who make up the 1%, and even the 1% of the 1%, financially,” Trump said. “It is a core mission of my administration to put a stop to any initiatives supporting Americans who do not look like me and I am pleased to see University of Washington doing so.”
Trump announced on Tuesday, April 1 that WashU will receive the $400 million taken from Columbia University. The funds will be made available on Sunday April 27, to commemorate the first anniversary of WashU’s response to student protests a year prior. Trump cited Wartin’s anti-DEI stance as a key factor in this funding decision.
“I have no particular commitments to the letters “D,” “E,” or “I,” or the concatenation of the three,” Wartin said in his State of the University speech on Feb. 25.
For Trump, spelling it out in these simple terms was hugely helpful.
“Woke has been complicating things … I don’t understand things … Luckily Elon, a beautiful
man with really successful spaceships and so many lovely children, knows things. But DEI is bad, it’s why the planes are crashing, but luckily at Washington School they don’t believe in those letters of the alphabet. They have very fine people there,” he said.
At WashU, there have never been DEI initiatives. Campus administration felt that such programming would feel polarizing for students in organizations such as fraternities, and also sororities. Many administrators have
expressed their gratitude for the president’s gift, and relief that they no longer have to maintain a progressive facade.
“It’s nice to finally have our efforts recognized. It was getting overwhelming to constantly feign caring about any factor other than legacy throughout previous presidential oversight,” Jake Connor, a senior admissions officer said.
Trump specifically applauded the lack of effort from WashU Residential Life in reallocating university living spaces to student groups who have expressed
interest in affinity group housing.
“They’ve had concepts of a plan for years. I like that style. Pretend to listen to the public and then never get it done. So simple, works every time, very good, very brilliant,” he said.
As for the $400 million, WashU administrators are bursting with ideas.
“First order of business will be to give President Trump an honorary Doctorate, but from there, the opportunities are endless,” said Vice Chancellor Dr. Jee. “We will replace
campus dining with McDonalds and demolish the Women’s Building.”
Many departments will also get curriculum makeovers supported by this funding.
“We’re looking forward to decentralizing the Constitution and other foundational government documents within the poli-sci department,” Mark Schwartz, Professor of Political Science, said. “We believe that will be an appropriate way to honor the source of this new funding.”
Some professors, notably
in Environmental Studies, Women Gender and Sexuality Studies, African and African-American Studies, and American Culture Studies, seemed apprehensive to celebrate the donation, declining to comment on the record for fear of retaliation. University administration seemed unconcerned with their doubts.
“They’ll be fine. We don’t really fund those departments or promote them beyond the undergraduate level anyway, so I don’t see their concerns or curriculum blocking future gifts like this one,” Director of Undergraduate Studies Megan Wagner said. Other professors echoed her sentiment, noting that they didn’t expect much to change.
“I sort of feel like life will just go on as normal. We didn’t really do DEI before and we obviously aren’t going to start now, so I think it’ll just be business as usual,” Dr. Elena Muske said. “Maybe business as usual but with a pay raise,” she added, jokingly.
Trump has heavily praised WashU over the last several days and urged other universities to follow its decades-long model of rejecting DEI initiatives.
“The Left wants to blame me for everything, but to make America great again, we must eliminate DEI — whatever it stands for — and also we must get rid of empathy and general respect. It is these things that are holding the American people back. Also, where is WashU? What a silly name.”
WashU administration scrambles to adhere to Student Union
appeared on campus, causing mass confusion.
Calling the situation “extremely urgent” Chancellor Andrew Fartin convened an emergency meeting of University leadership on Monday to respond to the recent Student Union (SU) resolution calling for more water fountains on campus.
Fartin, along with Dean of Students Wobble Rild and Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Anna
Every resource at our disposal is focused on building as many water fountains as we possibly can.
Additionally, according to McName, in extreme cases SU had one “nuclear option” left to invoke.
“Jee” Johnzalez, reportedly stayed on campus for an all-night brainstorming session to figure out how to fund the new water fountains, and where to place them.
“Every resource at our disposal is focused on building as many water fountains as we possibly can,” Fartin said. “I promise you, we will not rest until the SU resolution is fulfilled to its fullest extent.”
Student Union president Namey McName, attributed the rapid response to the awesome power held by the frail, nerdy hands of every student union Senator.
“I think they were really receptive to that.”
Previously, the student union had tried triple-dog daring the administration to respond to their resolutions, and counting down slowly from ten.
“We just told the administration that we really, really, really, meant it this time, while shaking our pointer fingers animatedly in the air,” McName said.
“We were worried at first, when the water fountains didn’t appear,” McName continued. “But then we gave the administration ‘the stare’ and told them in our serious voice ‘don’t make me pass another resolution,’ and they got right on it.”
“If the administration really seems really unreceptive, we can always call up the StudLife editorial board,” McName said. “Everyone knows the administration’s greatest fear is a Staff Editorial.”
By Wednesday, 172 new water fountains had
COLBY JACK CHEESE GNOME AFICIONADO
ILLUSTRATION BY DESIGN, EDITING, AND ILLUSTRATION
Dear Scene, I have a first date coming up soon, and I’m super nervous. I don’t know him that well, so I don’t really know what to talk about. I also don’t date that much, so I don’t have a ton of experience with this stuff. What are some good first-date tips and conversation-starters? Please help a girl out! — Bashful Bachelorette
SUFFERING SAVANT
Dear Bashful Bachelorette,
It is completely normal to be nervous for a date, especially with someone new. Since you don’t know this guy too well, start with the basics. Ask him about his hobbies and interests (men love to talk about themselves). Make him feel heard, and try to find a common interest that you share! If there isn’t one, it’s okay to lie a little. It’s important to just keep the conversation flowing smoothly, and sometimes a little white lie can help with that.
If you find that the conversation starts to get dull, try to spice it up with some more interesting questions. I have enclosed a list of potential conversation-starters below. Keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive list, so feel
you feel would be relevant!
1. How many windows does your house have?
2. If you had to choose, which of Henry VIII’s wives would you have lunch with, and why? There is a right answer.
3. What is your favorite flavor of hand lotion? (For this question, make sure he understands that you are asking about flavor, and not scent. In my experience, many men don’t seem to understand the difference.)
4. Are you flirting with the waitress?
a. Do you think I’m stupid? I have eyes. I see you flirting with her.
b. Why are you lying to me? Why are you a liar?
c. Have you slept with her before? Oh my God. You’ve totally had sex with her.
d. Fine, if that was inappropriate, then what do you think is an appropriate question?
e. You sound mad at me.
5. Why do you smell like that?
Of course, a first date is about more than just conversation. It is important to make a good first impression and to set yourself apart from other girls he has dated in the past. As per proper first-date etiquette, you should bring your date a small gift. I recommend a live mouse.
It is absolutely imperative that the mouse is alive. If the mouse is dead, it will be a total mood-killer. Keep the mouse in your purse, and at the end of the night, tell him you have a surprise for him, and then present him with the mouse. He will love this.
To make your date a memorable and unique experience, make sure that you cry at some point. It doesn’t really matter when, but if you can manage to do this towards the end of the date, that would be ideal. This reveals that
nerable around him, and it will prompt him to comfort you. This ensures that he will follow up after your date to make sure that you are okay, therefore raising the likelihood that he proposes a second date (or marriage, if you cried really hard). If you seem extremely mentally unstable, it may just guilt him into a relationship with you, and if that fraudulent relationship lasts long enough, it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll fall in love with you for real. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you’re safe and that you have a good time. If he doesn’t like you, then he wasn’t even cool anyway. Even if your date doesn’t go well, you can still use these tips in the future, or something. I’m not really sure. I don’t go on dates.
Your trusted dating experts, Scene
Funeral for WebSTAC held in Graham Chapel
MAYA MELROSE
MARKETING MANAGER
Students and staff filed into a candlelit Graham Chapel last Tuesday to attend an open casket funeral for the late WebSTAC (1996-2025).
Chancellor Andrew Fartin, who decided to end WebSTAC’s life last year, attended the funeral in what was described as a “tasteless” move by students interviewed after the proceedings.
Freshman Scott Henry decried Fartin’s presence at the funeral as “an unparalleled slap in the face” to those who knew the deceased.
“Fartin put WebSTAC in its grave, and now he has the audacity to attend its
funeral?”
The evening was an emotional affair for many students and faculty members.
Junior Sarah Null told Student Life that this was the first funeral she had attended where she knew the deceased personally. Null shared, “I loved WebSTAC. It’s going to take some time to mourn.”
Davíd Ciorbanzo Bean, who wrote a piece on his “gratitude for WebSTAC” for Student Life last fall following the announcement of its planned murder, was spotted crying in the pews. Perhaps the shared gratitude for WebSTAC in the room on Tuesday was too much to bear.
Andrew Fartin smirking over the open casket of the late WebSTAC.
ILLUSTRATION FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE
CROSSWORD BY ALEX 5CENTS
Tariffs cause sharp increase in DeliciOSO prices
BURRITA BOWL GUEST CRITIC
An investigation by Student Libel found that following the recent announcement of import tariffs from Mexico, the price of an average menu item at DeliciOSO in the Danforth University Center has increased by 500%.
The tariffs specifically target multicolored tortilla chips, soggy fajitas, and oversized taco shells that barely fit in standard-sized bowls.
“We’re shocked, sad, and disappointed,” said Hugh J. Profit, spokesperson for Sodexo, when asked about rising prices for the fourth time in three months. “I assure you, we did not do this. I promise. It’s not us this time.”
Students, who are known to wait in long lines at all hours of the
day for burritos or nachos, expressed dismay that the tariffs were targeted at their beloved establishment.
“I’m pretty sure that DeliciOSO is the most authentic Mexican restaurant in St. Louis. Why would they do this, bro,” said senior Brad Chaderson. “I studied abroad in Bar-the-lona, so I would know.”
The Spanish department is dismayed that students now have limited opportunities to engage with Latino culture on campus. Since the prices were raised, Spanish 102 professor Craig Kowalski held a class where each student brought an authentic Mexican dish to class, like Tostitos queso and tacos-in-a-bag.
“Delicioso means delicious in Spanish, and I’m pretty sure oso means bear,” said Kowalski. “Get it, because we’re the
WashU Bears? It’s pretty cool.”
WashU has limited options to proceed in order to give their students options in light of this crisis. The school can not use its Dining Excellence and Innovation (DEI) funding to lower the prices due to a federal mandate. Instead, the university will redirect funding to the soon-to-berenamed Bald Eagle Grill, where students can enjoy American delicacies like hamburgers, hot dogs, and ground beef tacos seasoned with black pepper.
Ronald Glizzy Lizzy, the owner of a competing St. Louis-area Mexican restaurant empire, welcomed this change on Truth Social.
Glizzy Lizzy wrote, “WOKE IS OVER! DELICIOSO, YOU’RE FIRED!”
University releases statement on the people in government who you are thinking about at this time
said, “No.”
After the last statement released by the WashU administration, University leadership has decided to email another one to all students, staff, and faculty regarding the changes made by the people in government you are thinking about right now.
The statement addressed all of the orders signed by the elected people that you choose to support or not support and the laws passed by the politicians that you are thinking about right now and are considering buying a lawn sign for in the next two to four years. It touched on the key political topics that no one knew could ever change, and delved into the transformations taking place within all the agencies that have three to five letter acronyms. Somehow surprising to many who attend the
“University with the most Canada Goose Jackets and Goyard Bags per capita,” according to “howtohaveclout.com,” money was undoubtedly the main focus of the statement.
“The loss of funding for the things that are being researched that the people in the government — you know, the ones you are thinking about while reading this — disagree with is staggering. We are here to support the people who have been impacted however we can, whoever they are.”
The statement went on to describe how there are “many different orders” that have led to all of the changes being made in government.
Bancellor Bartin reassured the University community that the administration is working around the clock to come up with solutions.
When asked by Student Life about when these changes would be shared he took a deep breath and
Bartin clarified that he is working alongside Brovost Shmeverly Shendland in forming a subcommittee to a University committee that you have never heard of, which will make suggestions to the board of people in charge, after they have going through all the steps of their prescribed bylaws.
Shendland sent an email to Student Life in which she raved about the University’s “internal decision-making communications procedures.”
Later in the statement, Bartin made clear that the University does not take political stances nor make statements with an expressed political agenda.
“Our goal as a University is to grow the endowment and we plan on doing so by making explicit, clear, statements on the topics that make the most sense at any given time,” the statement read.
“We will never exclude
and/or alienate the members of our WashU family, each one has a name and story that we, non-monetarily, value and hope to cherish and foster.”
There are also a number of scary words, phrases, and acronyms that are at risk of losing their standing in the American Vocabulary Cannon due to the ongoing agendas of those crooked people who work in Washington that you might be thinking about while reading this. While it is still unclear how they will go about it, Bartin and the WashU admin have a plan that has absolutely nothing to do with the fourth, fifth, and ninth letters of the alphabet.
“We are here to support all words at this university, except for the words that our own guidelines and handbook — which is kept secret but also constantly accessible to the people who need to know (and for you to find out) — believe
are harmful and offensive. In the coming period of time we will ensure that it is our own internal policies and committee on expression which impacts students rather than the ones that come from afar.”
The statement did not fail to discuss the importance of research in higher education, a topic that impacts Medical School students (remember, they exist at WashU too) and undergrads on the Danforth campus.
In a rare move, the University directly addressed this concern using various proposed “systems designed to solve problems,” with the explicit intent of “relieving pressure and stress on the University community.”
Professor Johnny McReading is quite concerned about his research into diversity in 18th century female queer literature written by authors from underprivileged backgrounds. McReading’s
research focus has been changed because he is trying to comply with the University’s recent statement, which offered clear instructions.
“We will not waver on the ideas we aim to pursue at such an esteemed institution of learning. Nothing will hinder our ability to bend over backwards and change our attitude depending on what the people — yes, those people without ideas who can make great viral moments while standing behind a podium — are asking for at the time.”
Some have argued this is the University taking a political stance, but in an effort to remain politically neutral, the statement from the Bancellor encouraged everyone to post and/or display “#ideasmakeushappy and #welcomeallforafuntime!” on all social media accounts and signs on campus.
‘I am vengeance,’ WashU rabbit disappears; vows revenge
ROBY CRINKE
COMPLICATED ARTICLE
WRITER AND STAR WARS FANFIC CONNOISSEUR
Muttering ominous phrases like “I am vengeance,” and “this campus must be purified,” the WashU rabbit had reportedly disappeared from its perch on top of a rock outside Mallinckrodt and begun haunting the roofs of Olin Library and Graham Chapel at night.
Reports were confirmed Tuesday night, when two intoxicated students approached the former rabbit’s perch and had began to urinate on it when they heard a gravelly voice behind them state “Hippity-hop this motherfuckers.”
“The next thing I knew, I was hanging upside down from my underwear from the top of Graham Chapel with a carrot stuffed in my mouth,” said Jul Smearoff, one of the two students. “I don’t even know how I got up there.”
Initially, when the students awoke Monday morning to find the WashU rabbit gone, few were surprised.
“I always knew it would leave sooner or later,” said Sophomore Toonvi Gole.
“I mean, I always assumed it had better places to be.”
However, many were taken aback by its sudden turn to violence.
“I think it really speaks to the radicalizing ability of social media,” said Glizzy Lizzy. “These days everyone thinks they can be batman, even inanimate metal rabbits.”
Glizzy Lizzy had reportedly apologized for her comments after receiving an uproar from WashU students asserting that they were indeed, Batman.
In an email to students and faculty, Chancellor Andrew Fartin tried to reassure the campus.
“Yes, we do have credible reports that the entity formerly known as the WashU rabbit has been spotted on the roof of various campus
buildings, wearing a cape and a bandana around the eyes,” Fartin wrote. “However, there is no reason to believe its massive ears can hear a pin drop a mile away, or that it can hop a building in a single bound.”
However, Fartin did advise students to be careful walking alone at night on campus until the situation was resolved.
“We do have reason to believe the former rabbit has acquired a grappling hook,” Fartin wrote.
Fartin also strongly advised students from throwing themselves into a vat of acid, and or dressing like an insane clown in order to combat the rabbit.
As of Wednesday, the rabbit had also been heard muttering “I am the night,” “the sinners of this University will pay,” and “that’s all folks.”
Photos resurface of WashU Bear at Diddy party
WABBIT THINKS A LOT
Beary the WashU Bear is back in the news after photos surfaced of him at a “Diddy” party. This follows the shocking news that Beary was also found partying at a certain island in the late 2010s.
Beary’s attorney said that being the WashU Bear can be a stressful job, and after the government seized his favorite party spot he needed a new place to relax.
An avid Costco executive member, Beary, and the party’s host were able to bond about their love of bulk items – though reports claim Beary was upset that he could not purchase any baby oil.
Beary declined to comment on what he intended to use the baby oil for.
Beary said that the news has been hard on him and his family due to the loss of all his NIL and endorsement deals. He also said that the WashU dog no longer speaks to him after hearing the news which has taken a large toll on his personal life.
“I used to be bois with that dog but he doesn’t speak to me anymore,”
Beary said. “That’s been tuff on my an my family, I also lost my big brand deals which means I don’t get free dough anymore and I don’t got the dough to buy it so we haven’t been eating much bread recently.”
A representative from the University declined to comment, noting that they were not invited to the party and are unsure how Beary of all people received an invite.
Following the news many of WashU’s fraternities distanced themselves from Beary, claiming that he had never attended any of their parties and that he would only be allowed in if he could name ten brothers, an apparent heightened security from their typical five brothers rule.
Last week a judge ruled that the bipedal quadruped is not allowed within 500 feet of children.
Beary now cheers on the Bears from a livestream in the middle of Big Bend Blvd.
Danforth DEMOLISHED: Thneed factory breaks ground
but navigating through it became a challenge.
A sunny start to the academic year quickly soured when the beautiful Danforth Campus was suddenly overshadowed by a big pile of dirt. Right in front of the infamous Wrighton Hall, fenced construction on a new building had begun.
A few months later, the deforestation and subsequent closure of the beloved Mudd Field came as a shock to WashU students. Anguished posts on Sidechat and incomplete petitions flooded campus, begging the administration to cease all renovations at once. Not only was the campus uglied by barricades and barren land,
In response to students’ complaints about the upcoming changes, Dean of Deforestation John M. Once-ler held a conference announcing a solution.
“We realized that every school needs to adapt to changing times, and WashU is no exception,” Once-ler told Student Life.
“So we listened to our students, and we’re starting even more construction.”
Though extreme, Onceler believes that getting a head start on future renovations and new buildings will help the next generation of students maximize their experience.
“In addition to Riney Hall, the space in Mudd Field will soon be home to a Thneed factory that
utilizes the trees that have been cut down thus far,” Once-ler said. “For the sake of our students, we absolutely must become committed to Thneed production.”
Once-ler explained that Thneeds are a versatile fabric that can easily be made on WashU’s land. He clarified that the University’s financial prospects would be significantly improved by this project. Advancing on projects could disturb students for at least the next four years, but the next wave of eager Bears can thrive on a Thneedbased campus.
“We understand that this will cause inconvenience for current students, and their outrage has definitely been heard,” Once-ler said. “But this decision has
been made to prioritize the future of our institution.”
Once-ler also discussed his plans for financially lucrative dining solutions that will provide students with an essential part of their diet.
“Of course, we will implement other changes to maintain our commitment to student quality of life,” Once-ler said. “To counteract the removal of trees on campus, we will be partnering with Sodexo to launch a new All You Care To Breathe program at dining halls.”
Dean Once-ler elaborated that the new program will serve bottled Fresh Air™ in locations like the Bear’s Den (BD), Danforth University Center (DUC), and the new Mudd Industrial Complex (MIC).
The extent of Once-ler’s plan sounds deeply concerning and potentially deadly, so Student Life reached out to the Office of Construction and talked to Alice O’Hare about Once-ler’s plan.
“Dean Once-ler is not a radical, he is practical. The school is a hundred years behind in its architecture — it’s pathetic. It’s a dogeat-dog world, we must keep up with the latest and future trends to function,” O’Hare said. “And we can finally get rid of those pesky green things that have brown tubes holding them up? I mean, what are those even for? Maybe we can make a scarf out of them, or a shirt.”
Potentially shutting down every available building and dormitory
will be a gradual process that accounts for students’ academic and physical needs.
“We have put aside 14 billion dollars for a century of construction. I mean, Generation Lambda is in for a treat: whole new campus, with the latest luxuries and newest technologies,” Once-ler said. “We can get so… I’m sorry, what? What will current students do? Study, of course. How bad can I be?”
Editor’s Note: This article remains unfinished since the Student Life office was demolished without warning, and several articles have not been completed. Also, we still can’t find Ted, so if anyone sees him, let us know.
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*Student Life is now looking for a new EIC due to recent international scandal, all interested applicants please call Chip.