Student Libel, April 1, 2021

Student Libel Putting words on some paper since before you cared THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

VOLUME 142, NO. 19.5

A BIG SURPRISE

Wrongton launches mayoral candidacy just days before final tally (Who knows)

STUDENTLIFE.COM

NO SURPRISE AT ALL

A BIG STORY

Martini launches celibacy, citing need to more fully commit to WashU Together (You tell us!)

Wow! Can’t believe this one didn’t make the front page (Page page)

‘Look, we’re just racist, okay?’: Mancellor Chartin Editor-inchief Cook shuts down abolish WUPD discourse, says WU poached by will get rid of Greek Life over his dead body

Zuckerberg, now plans to propagate fake news elsewhere FRIED MAN NEXT TO BE POACHED

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GIRL MCBOSS FAKE NEWS EDITOR In a follow up to last week’s announcement banning all forms of student activism, Mancellor Chartin clarified Friday that under no circumstances will W*shington Univ*rsity ever get rid of Greek Life or WUPD. In an attempt to sound woke, Chartin acknowledged that Greek Life is by no means an equitable space, but suggested students think of this as a pro rather than a con.

“We should just make rush mandatory for everyone,” he said. “And if you can’t afford it, why are you here in the first place?”

Chartin went on to lament the ways in which the University has jeopardized its standing as the number one least socioeconomically diverse college in the country, calling it “the greatest strategic mistake of the decade.”

“Sure, I might look like a cross between Arthur the Aardvark and Yertle the Turtle, but make no mistake—under my strong and decisive leadership, we’ll be back to number one in no time,” he said.

When confronted with the fact that Greek Life is a cesspool of racism, Chartin started laughing incredulously.

“You can’t possibly think we’re afraid of a little racism—I mean, have you seen our board of trustees?” he said between guffaws. “Tandrew Aylor is a celebrity of the private prison industry, Scraig Chnuck spends his weekends devising new ways to create food deserts, Breg Goyce prides himself on being able to displace thousands of indigenous people and destroy the environment at the same time…need I say more?”

Chartin called special attention to his recent decision to impose ridiculously harsh sanctions on a student for spray painting a statue of George Washington with the word “colonizer.”

“I mean, just because he was a genocidal asshole who brutally enslaved and murdered indigenous people doesn’t mean he’s not my hero,” Chartin said, flashing a white power sign while trying to wink with both eyes.

After being frantically dragged out to the hallway by newly-crowned PR

queen Flulie Jory for a quick scolding (“Wait, you mean this interview isn’t with the Danforth Dispatch?”), a chastised Chartin returned to promote the University’s Public Safety Report.

“We tried to keep our promises to a bare minimum, but I thought we’d still have to spend at least an hour or so drafting a buzzword-filled email explaining that WUPD officers are the good kind of cops,” Chartin said. “So imagine my delight when I was scrolling through the ‘gram last night and realized @wupd_support is doing our work for us!”

Chartin then began listing his five favorite @wupd_support posts, including “Zero WashU students have been murdered which proves WUPD is good” and “We need WUPD because of all the poors around here—by the way, can gentrification please speed up a little?”

Although many students have called for WUPD to be disarmed, Chartin vehemently disagreed, arguing that “guns just look so fucking cool, man. And sure, officers never actually need to use them, but if students keep protesting...all I’m saying

is, we’ll see.”

Chartin claimed that WUPD was essential for keeping students safe, citing the one instance in which they’ve been found useful in the last five years: locating a bike that was reported stolen after the owner got high as shit and forgot it was right outside their dorm. (No action was taken against the student for marijuana use because they were white.)

“Imagine a student gets assaulted by a random stranger—that’s what we need police to protect against,” Chartin said. “Because, like, that’s exclusively reserved for fraternity members.”

When asked why fraternities were not being punished for the rampant sexual assault they enabled, Chartin glanced up nervously at the goldframed portraits of University donors all over the wall, mumbling something about “dark money” and “oh god, where did I go wrong.”

Student Libel tried to follow up on this, but unfortunately, Jory cut the interview short because Chartin started peppering his answers with racial slurs and shouts of “free speech, baby!”

Student Libel editor-in-chief Emily Cook abruptly resigned her position this week to take on a new role as Facebook’s Vice President for Fake News Engineering.

Facebook overlord Mark Zuckerberg announced the resignation in a direct message to Russian President Vladimir Putin Wednesday evening. “After her successes rigging everything from the inevitably low turnout Student Union elections to Rob Tame’s promotion to Co-Associate Assistant Vice King of Greek Life, Cook will be a valued member of Silicon Valley’s community of innovators, entrepreneurs and dogooders,” Zuckerberg wrote.

Student Libel obtained a copy of the message by posing as the new online conservative publication, Wrighton’s Writings, on Parler and promising to investigate W*sh*ngt*n *n*v*rs*ty’s ties to Martian pseudo-communists who have threatened to stir trouble in Moscow.

Putin responded to the announcement of the resignation and new hiring with glee, noting that Cook’s tenure at Student Life has facilitated the mass spread of anti-antifascist hatred on the W*sh*ngt*n *n*v*rs*ty’s campus.

“She rose quickly through the ranks of that decrepit organization and was the perfect medium for our influence campaign after the failures of the WUSTLencrypted-2.0 network limited our online reach,” Putin said. “I have not been this happy since Rudy Giuliani spoke outside Four Seasons Total Landscaping, across the street from my favorite place on earth other than the White House gold-plated bathroom, Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore.”

SEE COOK, PAGE 2

‘Two cold years’: study confirms Martini less cuddly than predecessor NATHIN SPREENGMAHN WEBDADDY A recent study from the University of Washington in St. Paul School of Medicine determined that current Washington University chancellor Andrew Dry Martini is 69 (nice) percent less cuddly than his predecessor Mark Wrongton.

The study, published in the October 2020 issue of “A Science Journal,” suggests that current Wash. U. students are less motivated to socialize, are more fearful of the night, and have lower GPAs than those at peer institutions with cuddlier administrations.

“It’s kind of heartbreaking, really,” said Harry Balls, a junior and Emorlame University who

transferred from Wash. U. last semester. “It was a big reason I left [Wash. U.], you know. I just felt like I needed to be in a place where the guy in charge would be nice to hug.”

The study—conducted by former *n*v*rs*ty provost— also showed that students’ mental health are adversely affected by Martini’s affliction.

“We have a mental health crisis on our hands, full stop,” said Dr. Laur Riwhite, director of Student Wellbeing for Student Health Services. “It saddens me to see these students have to deal with this, truly. I wish there was something we could do to help our students. We’ve noticed that more and more students are turning to the mental health services we

CONTACT BY PIGEON OUR OFFICE HAS NO WINDOWS OR EXTERNAL DOORS BUT HEY IN THIS ECONOMY YOU CAN’T BEAT THE PRICE OF A PIGEON CARRIER

offer here to help them through this challenge.”

When asked if mental health services would be expanded in response to the study’s findings, Dr. Riwhite noted that they’ve begun to make more Instagram Stories on the SHS Instagram page, “to really combat this issue at the source.” The account, with 69 (nice) followers at the time of reporting, posts stories bi-weekly offering suggestions on how to find the most cuddly places on campus.

Not all students agree with the study’s findings, feeling that Martini is cuddly enough to give a hug.

“I’m not sure what everyone’s crying about,” said sophomore Lisa Hateshug. “Martini’s tiny

CONTACT BY AN ENTIRE OTHER PUBLICATION WE’LL READ IT! PROBABLY! HEY, IF NOT, BETTER LUCK NEXT MONTH.

glasses are adorable, and I’m so glad he wears them. Definitely something my mom would call ‘groovy.’ I’d probably give him a hug.”

Those students most affected are those who were students during the transition from Wrongton’s to Martini’s leadership.

“There were many factors that went into my decision to transfer schools,” says Balls, “but they all circle back to one thing: I was promised Mark Wrongton.

It’s been two cold years without him. As a prospective student, I remember my mom and I putting ‘cuddly chancellor’ into the ‘pros’ list for Wash. U.. Now that Martini’s here, I asked myself, ‘why am I?’ ”

DO NOT CONTACT US

PLEASE DON’T. THERE ARE SO MANY EMAILS, SO MANY PHONE CALLS. WE STILL DON’T EVEN KNOW THE PASSWORD TO OUR OFFICE VOICEMAIL. JUST DON’T EVEN BOTHER.

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2 STUDENT LIBEL

J-MAN HOW & JOSHU HAW | SENIOR NEWS EDITORS | TALKTOUSPLS@STUDENTLIFE.COM

theFLIPSIDE FLIPSIDE THU 1

THANKS PEABODY COAL 95/88

FRI 2

AMEREN IS GOING TO BE RICH 102/451

SAT 3

SUNNY, GOOD DAY FOR PONG ON WASH. AVE. 75/52

SUN 4

OF COURSE IT IS THIS COLD IN APRIL 11/-5

EVENT CALENDAR APRIL 1 Annual Mulch-Snorting That really bad corner of Forsyth when you are coming from the 40, ALL DAY LONG What better way to start the month of April than with the ritual inhalation of the mulch. You’ve seen Student Libel’s Green Thumb write all semester about the plants on campus -- what better way to take things into your own hands than experience what it’s like to be a plant yourself ? If only there were still straws on campus…

Big Daddy’s Comes to Campus… Vertigo is Here Early The underbelly of new McKelvy Hall on the East End of campus Do not let the ghostlike sounds of the East End parking lot scare you away. The pandemic has taken a toll on popular St. Louis clubs like Big Daddy’s, so promoters have decided to bring the party to us. This is a collaboration between Big Daddy’s and the engineering students who typically overhaul Lopata Hall for one night per year and throw the WILDEST party on campus. There’s new construction on the East End, though, so why not trash that building instead? ID REQUIRED, but do not worry about your covid screening. A green check mark means you’re basically asking to get bounced.

Half and Half Cooking Tutorial The diner in BD that can only seat three people at a time, Midnight This event is for all those freshmen who have wandered into the welcoming comfort of BD in various states in intoxication or incapacitation. Now, instead of having to put on an air of sobriety for the good, hard-working people of BD who probably just want to finish their shift and go home for the night, you’ll be able to make the chicken yourself. Executive chef Don McRonald will provide lessons in dealing with belligerent sous chefs, how to deal with stray shrimp tails in your ingredients and -- if people promise not to put napkins in the lights above the booths -- may even throw in some secrets about BD mozz sticks.

There will be an [Noun] hosted by [Noun] at [Place] [Place], [Time] Wow, this will be a/an [adjective]! This [Noun] invited literally anyone who can attend to please come. Please. Student Union will use low attendance as a reason to not fund [Noun] next budget cycle. Then what are we going to do? No matter. [Noun] is excited to announce that [Noun], [Another Noun] and [You Guessed It, Another Noun] will be [Verb] from [Time] to [A Different Time].

COOK from page 1 Cook started her career as a staff reporter at Student Libel in the fall of 2017, covering important topics such as the return of “Shouts” cafe at Extremely Rich Man Who Is Bad Library and the destruction of countless trees on the East End to build a building the young people call “Schpav.” She made her name as the youngest Student Libel reporter ever to have an interview with a fraternity member that lasted longer than 15 seconds.

Cook encountered her first adversity on the paper when she became a junior news editor in the spring of 2018. During her first hour on the job, obtained illicit messages sent from Chancellor Mark Wronghton to St. Louis Mayor Lyda Krewson.

Others on the paper pushed Cook to report a story immediately, but she instead chose to hold onto the messages as collateral.

“The accumulation of

power was her only goal,” Associate Vice Chancellor for St. Louis, Missouri, Illinois, Arkansas and Oklahoma Hunk Woober told Student Libel. “Other editors would have published a hit piece right away that a grand total of five people would read, if they were lucky, but not Emily Cook.”

Cook held on to the messages until the summer of 2020, when Krewson threatened to defund the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department. Cook, whose main experience prior to Student Libel was as the newsletter-writer for the Creve Coeur, MO, Police Department, would not have it. She blackmailed Krewson into doxxing protestors and increasing the Metro PD’s budget rather than cutting it. “It was an inspired effort,” said junior Buyme Donutz, the president of the University’s chapter of the George Washington Appreciation

Organization.

Med Toskal, a news editor at Student Life who worked under Cook for more than two years, mourned what he described as “the loss of our esteemed news organization’s North Star.”

Toskal remembered how Cook had weathered the storm when Student Libel was accused of being too friendly to the Trump campaign in the fall of 2020. “She leaned into the criticism,” he said, noting how Cook was not afraid to take on the “wannabe Ezra Kleins” at Wunderground and the “upstart leftists” at the Danforth Dispatch.

“Rush Limbaugh (may he rest in peace) would be proud of her,” Toskal said.

Cook will start at Facebook as soon as she finishes spreading unread pages of Student Libel across Brookings Quadrangle to disrupt planning for Commencement.

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THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

“No one’s woker than me”: Students face off in election for VP of Performative Activism MAIDEN SAT-IN-QUEEN SENIOR SQUIRREL EDITOR The race for Student Union’s Vice President of Performative Activism is heating up. The upcoming election’s two frontrunners engaged in a bitter debate over Zoom last night, tackling everything from infographic design to ethical consumption (of Chick-fil-A).

In her opening statement, junior Girla Boss argued that she’d add necessary diversity as the first person in the role from a Chicago suburb that’s “not Evanston.” Her opponent, freshman Slack Tavist also started off strong, explaining how he’d make use of the skills he gained during an unpaid internship at his father’s small, sociallyconscious company.

“Goldman taught me everything I know,” Tavist said. “And I met their VP of Diversity! What an honor.

She’s so cool. And she’s Black.”

Boss shared that she’s also a fan of strong, independent Black women. She’s been following Michelle Obama’s Twitter since June.

“Shelly always says, ‘When they go low, we go high,’” Boss declared.

“That’s why I fully support marijuana legalization and will even donate half of SU’s budget to help Walmart build dispensaries in underserved communities.”

Tavist quipped back that he’d prefer to put those funds toward supporting small, family-owned businesses, like Aunt Jemima.

“I also plan to organize fundraising events,” Tavist said. “Like walks for awareness.”

When asked what the walks would raise awareness for, Tavist simply replied, “Being aware.”

The debate turned ugly when the candidates were asked to comment on the Greek Life abolition movement.

“I’m in full support,” Boss said. “That’s why I made the ultimate sacrifice of dropping my sorority, Alpha Fee-Fi-FoFum. My opponent, on the other hand, is still president of Sigma Neuter.”

“But I’m working hard to reform the system,” Tavist responded. “In fact, I’m proud to share that we haven’t received a single alcohol violation since March 2020.

The candidates then took questions from the audience. First up was Snow Flake, president of College Conservatives.

“Do you believe conservatives should feel welcome on campus?” Flake asked.

“Listen,” Tavist replied. “I always ‘hashtag-vote-blue.’

But I gotta admit, Mitt Romney is daddy.”

Following the debate, many students told Student Libel that they were impressed with the candidates’ arguments.

“I think they really touched on all the big issues,” freshman Canva Graphic said.

“Divesting from essential oils, abolishing the business school, demilitarizing a capella.”

The debate ended earlier than planned after the candidates cancelled the moderator, Chancellor Andrew Martini. Luckily, Student Libel exclusively obtained Martini’s notes app apology.

“I’m truly sorry,” Martini said. “It’s beyond ridiculous that I haven’t named a single campus building after woke kings Ben and Jerry. I’ll be forming a committee to create a committee to build a committee to investigate my actions. I promise to do better.”

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‘We can print whatever we want’: Wronghton’s Writings sued over copyright infringement, editors claim First Amendment rights in response ANONYMOUS STUDENT The editors of Wronghton’s Writings, a new online publication of W*sh*ngt*n *n*v*rs*ty, are being sued by the *n*v*rs*ty and every single stock image photographer imaginable for not giving media credits when posting a photo. In response, the editors have written a public letter to their readers decrying censorship and discrimination based on their political views.

“We’re here to critique all ideologies of all time,” the letter reads. “It doesn’t matter what they are, we’ll devil’s advocate anything into 500 words of terribly-constructed arguments with no consistent editorial style.”

Notably, the Wronghton’s Writings website claims that they are not a partisan publication, however, they have published such headlines as “George Washington was good, actually” and “Washington’s University in St. Louis: Just because he was a slave owner doesn’t mean we disagree.”

Following four months of relentless publication of photographs without any attributed credit, the website received 45 cease and desist letters from various sources, saying that just because a photo does not have any copyright does not mean they cannot use it without proper attribution.

“It’s ridiculous,” one of many editors-in-chief of Wronghton’s Writings junior Trent NoFactsJustFeelings said to Student Libel in response to the letters. “They

just don’t want our opinions to be expressed. They’re too afraid to argue with our content so they’re resorting to stopping our publication altogether. Pitiful. We can print whatever we want.”

In response to the suit, the editors have not stopped publishing content to the website.

Two days ago, they advertised a raffle for twenty-five-dollar gift cards to RadioShack to gain more writers. “We’ll take any opinion, literally any opinion. You don’t even have to cite your sources or use convincing arguments,” a caption read on an Instagram post of the website advertising the contest.

When asked about how the team was prepared to respond to the legal notices against them, NoFactsJustFeelings explained that they weren’t backing down and were instead preparing an archive of photos first published in The Recordings featuring the Washington University campus in the best lighting all of the time.

“Listen, we’re just right-click and saving like there’s no tomorrow,” NoFactsJustFeelings said.

“I’ve got about 60 of these ones of Brown Hall in various seasons and the password to our Wordpress account. I’m just gonna post them.”

In response to concerns that the editors would not be able to support the fees should they require legal representation, NoFactsJustFeelings explained that they had set up a GoFundMe account.

“We’ve already

got $50 donated,” NoFactsJustFeelings said.

“Plus, I’m pretty sure we won’t have enough content for this month’s installment so we can just put the gift card balance towards a super great lawyer.”

A student who spoke to Student Libel on the condition of anonymity for fear of being ostracized by his entire moral code explained how Wronghton’s Writings was the only place he felt he could express his opinions without being afraid.

“I didn’t know how to share my feelings about the bunny statue,” the student said. “But then, [NoFactsJustFeelings] said I could just write whatever I wanted to and they would handle the comments.

If they were gone I don’t know what I would do.”

While no actions have been taken on the side of the Wrongton Wrightings, several sources involved in the cases against the website have said they have no concerns about taking future actions.

“Our pockets are lined with the money from fossil fuels,” a representative from one of the cases said. “We’ve got nothing to worry about.”

Editor’s note: The author of this article has requested to remain anonymous due to fear. The editorial board of Student Libel knows that they are a real, actual student.

Don’t even worry about it. Why are you even reading this? One of us might have seen them at Big Daddy’s. It was dark though so we’re not totally sure but we think their grandfather donates to Sigma Neuter.

BIG IF TRUE

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

GOSH WHALEHE | SENIOR SCENE EDITOR | TALKTOUSPLS@STUDENTLIFE.COM

STUDENT LIBEL 3

‘I can’t believe I ever liked the Barack and Joe memes’: One student’s journey from Hillary Democrat to radical leftist protesting for Lyda’s resignation outside the McCloskeys MARGARET HABERMAS SEIGLE HALL CORRESPONDENT Junior Karla Marks identified as an Aaron Sorkin liberal when she first came to Washington University. She hung a Hillary Clinton poster in her freshman dorm room, had a bookshelf full of every one of Barack Obama's books and even considered getting a "Notorious RBG" tattoo over her first Fall Break in St. Louis. Marks went to one Black Lives Matter protest in her suburban Westchester hometown in 2015 and she had #BLM in her Instagram bio, but her Common Application essay, which discussed her time on her synagogue youth group's leadership team, was titled "How I Found Shared Values with Republicans, Even at a Time of Disagreement Over Trump's Racism."

Why, then, did a

Student Libel reporter catch sight of Marks outside the Central West End home of Mark and Patricia McCloskey last summer as part of a protest calling for St. Louis Mayor Lyda Krewson's resignation?

Marks' story is one of political evolution, selfreflection and at least one history professor who used to be a member of the Community Communist Collective, which advocates for Maoist solutions to modern problems.

It started in College Writing during Marks' first fall, when she made a relatively approving comment toward the Federal Bureau of Investigation. "What did they ever do wrong?"

Marks said during the first day of workshops. The professor, Sandy Bernson, a graduate student fresh out of the Peace Corps, suggested that Marks look into COINTELPRO, the FBI's effort to limit

the efficacy of various political advocacy organizations nationwide, from the Black Panthers to every moderately large gathering of Grateful Dead fans. Marks took on COINTELPRO as her semester-long research paper, and by the end of December had thoughts of doubt running through her head.

"What if the Democratic National Committee did fuck over Bernie after all?" she wondered in a Washington University Political Journal (WUPJ) article over winter break freshman year.

"I could see the light in her eyes," WUPJ editorin-chief Horrido Pinions told Student Libel. "She was coming around. No more 'social liberal, fiscal conservative' bullshit."

The summer after her freshman year, Marks interned for Missouri Congressional Representative Lacy Clay

on Capitol Hill, where she made $.30 answering angry phone calls from St. Louis residents who wanted federal recognition of Imo's as true pizza. That experience was another turning point for her. She lived in one corner of a ratinfested 250-foot studio in D.C. and got less than five hours of sleep each night. The second she was back in St. Louis, Marks replaced the Hillary Clinton poster.

In its place was a dartboard with the faces of DNC chairs Donna Brazile and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

During her sophomore fall, Marks took a history course, "Imperialism's Legacy in Metropolitan St. Louis," that further continued her path to antifa.

By the end of that year, Marks had added #ACAB to her Instagram biography.

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Why are the Seigle doors so heavy? One B-Schooler’s theory.

CANADA GOOSE GEORGE B SCHOOL BEAT REPORTER Chase remembers the first time he visited Seigle Hall. It was his sophomore year and he was taking a humanities course on the “Intro to Romanian Basket Weaving.” Chase, a senior studying entrepreneurial

leadership, thought it would be an easy A, a class where he could sit in the back, read Wall Street Oasis forums and take twenty minute bathroom breaks.

But when Chase tried to open a door at Seigle, he couldn’t. He pulled it just a few inches before letting it slam. Why are

these doors so heavy? He thought to himself. He tried again, but started to feel sweaty and light headed. Huffing and puffing, he gave up. It was too much effort.

Although class started at 2:30 p.m., Chase had woken up 30 minutes prior after a long night, he said, “on the networking

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grind”––playing die with the boys. He had a presentation that afternoon in “How to Be the Boss Management 248.”

The first lesson of the class? Bosses don’t show up sweaty. Plus, if Chase tried too hard to open the doors, he might injure his arm––integral to his role as starting left tackle of his Just For Fun flag football team.

Chase, who asked to speak anonymously in fear of his frat bros learning he can’t lift as much as he says, decided that the heavy doors were enough.

He would watch the class asynchronously while taking a power nap before his afternoon presentation.

But when Chase started to walk away from Seigle, someone caught up to him and propped open the door with a smile on their face. It shook Chase. He eyed the person up and down. B-school people don’t do that––not unless they want something.

Frazzled, Chase walked inside the doors.

When Chase made it to the classroom, it felt like a different world. No one had a suit on. No one had name cards. And worst of all, when the teacher went over the syllabus, there was no curve.

“That’s when I knew,”

Chase said, “Seigle was not designed for me.”

For years students have wondered about the origins of Seigle’s heavy doors. Nowhere else on campus has doors quite like Seigle.

After a thorough investigation using command F of Webstac course listings, Student Life has found that there are no business school classes in Seigle, sparking questions of why. Chase has his own theory––the doors were designed to keep b-school kids, like himself, out.

“How many b-school kids do you know who are opening up those doors?”

Chase asked. “What they did is wrong. Someone needed to step up and say it and I’ll be the one.”

On top of the heavy doors, Chase said, Seigle has zero printers– –“another blatant attack against b-schoolers.”

Chase learned this the hard way. After that first Seigle class period, Chase felt out of place. He felt lost. So wandered around the building searching for a printer, hoping to use his free printer money. He looked around Seigle for 20 minutes, but couldn’t find a printer anywhere.

“Without my free printer money, I’m just a

guy in a suit with airpods,” said Chase.

Jimbo Jefferson, Associate to the Assistant of University Rectangular Entry Passageways, said that he would neither confirm nor deny whether the doors were designed to keep b-school kids out of the building.

“Everyone can open the doors, but not everyone can open the doors,” Jefferson sent in a text to Student Life with the shrug emoji.

The site of a b-school kid in enemy territory doesn’t sit right with some Art-Sci kids either.

“Listen, I work really hard in my English classes,” said senior Sammy Bobshaw. “We are normally assigned 80 pages of reading, but I can only do 5 pages before falling asleep from exhaustion. Because it’s so hard to do the reading, I have to listen really hard in class. I like to give out snaps. But when a b-school kid shows up? I refuse to snap for anything they say.”

That’s fine with Chase. He doesn’t want any snaps. He has not returned to Seigle and he has no plans of returning.

“I’d rather use a basic LinkedIn account,” he said.

Jaw Haw Social Media Director

Hoosh Jawley General Manager a.coleman@studlife.com

Copyright always. This is our work and we are very very proud of it always. We would hang it on a proverbial fridge if we could. But alas, we have this copy box instead. Please be sure to give us more than enough credit for this work. It took a long time.

Student Libel VOLUME 142, NO. 19.5 Joshua Hawly Editor-in-Chief editor@studlife.com

Joosh Hooley Senior Forum Editor forum@studlife.com

Jowsh Hawly Senior Photo Editor photo@studlife.com

Gosh Howli Associate Editor

Goshua Holy Josh How Senior Sports Editors sports@studlife.com

Jashwe Hauley Jashua Hawlee Copy Chiefs copy@studlife.com

Jawshwa Hawley Joshuah Hawwli Senior Cadenza Editors cadenza@studlife.com

Joshe Hawleye Jawshe Hawle Engagement Directors

Jawsh Hollee Joshua Holly Managing Editors J-man How Joshu Haw Senior News Editors news@studlife.com Gosh Whalehe Senior Scene Editor scene@studlife.com

Jash Hawlie Design Chief design@studlife.com

Also not Josh Hawlee Still not Josh Hawlee Haha yes this one is Josh Multimedia Editors

Not Josh Hawlee Webmaster Hawsh Jowley Forum Editor Goshua Howwley Josh Hawls Joshwa Hawlee News Editors

Joosh Hooley Advertising Sales Manager dunsfordt@wustl.edu

APRIL SADNESS

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

GOSHUA HOLY & JOSH HOW | SENIOR SPORTS EDITORS | TALKTOUSPLS@STUDENTLIFE.COM

STUDENT LIBEL 5

Look on the bright side: Wash. U 3pt field goal percentage skyrockets due to social distancing guidelines ANDREWS MARTIN SENIOR LACROSSE EDITOR The Washington University Men’s Basketball team has been unable to participate in official competitions over the last year due to COVID protocols.

However, in the time since their last competition, a trend has emerged that is leaving coaches and players optimistic: unfathomably high three point percentages.

“At one practice, we started tracking them and our percentages were through the roof !” a senior on the team said.

The team’s head coach concurred, noting that the team’s percentage was well over 50% for the last month and some players were drilling as high as 69% of their long-range jumpers.

“Nice.” The coach added.

A number of factors have contributed to rise.

A significant part might be that the players are not allowed to get within six feet of each other during practices. Even during live scrimmages, a closeout within six feet is a technical foul, within three is a flagrant foul.

During a recent practice, when a player had his shot blocked, a fight nearly emerged due to the violation of the protocols.

“It was a scary time,” the person who was blocked said. “My percentage dropped to 67%.

It took four more shots to get it back up to my target. And the protocols were violated too, I guess.

That’s not ideal.”

Another factor in the rise might be the amount of time players have had

to practice shots in recent months.

Before, basketball was part of the players lives, but they also had other hobbies. Now, with few other options, shooting practice has become more prevalent.

“My dad told me that people with no friends practice shooting. Losers who write for newspapers and can’t make a jumpshot to save their lives.

No offense,” a freshman center stated in an interview with Jooosh Hawlie.

“I didn’t practice shooting for years. Then the pandemic hit and turns out, this stuff is easy.

Why do people miss shots?”

For the Bears, there’s some concern that live competition will lead to a decrease in the percentages. But overall, they think the changes are here to stay.

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‘This is almost as bad as when they took away the Gargoyle without asking us first’: Despite student outrage over decision to move Olympics from Tokyo to Francis Field, administration, St. Louis County maintain that they took community input into account SPORTSINF ORMATION FIRED SPORTS ILLUSTRATED STAFFER After the COVID-19 pandemic struck just months before she planned to use her savings from only eating half and halfs from BD for all of freshman year, sophomore athletics fan Hope Sanddreams never thought that she would get to see the 2020 Olympics.

Now, Sanddreams will get another chance at her one and only goal. Japanese authorities have determined that COVID-19 makes it unsafe to hold the XXXII Olympiad in Tokyo. Since the only other suitable host venue in the entire world is Francis Olympic Field, Washington University will host the 2021 Olympic games.

But that does not mean that Sanddreaams is happy

about it. She is one of 7,822 undergraduates (and 6.137 million Missourians) who signed a petition opposing the relocation of the Olympics to campus. "Who on Earth thought this was a good idea?" Sanddreams said in a TikTok posted Wednesday morning. "This is literally a worse plan than having two wellness days all spring. The frat guys in my Management 100 class did better when they tried to revive Blockbuster."

Yet the University administration and St. Louis County leadership have doubled down on the decision to hold the games here.

"We carefully listened to every single student and community member's opinion on this subject, and we thought deeply about our own experiences and biases," Executive Vice Chancellor for St.

Louis Relations Bette R. T. Ogether said in a statement to Student Libel. "I don't care what the cancel culturists among your readers say. This is what the people want."

At a press conference atop the Olympic rings Tuesday, St. Louis County Executive Samantha Paper argued that it is okay to overlook the human rights abuses of previous events at Francis Field. "Yes, the 1904 World's Fair and Olympics were basically a Social Darwinist experiment in creating a human zoo, but we are happy to overlook that so that cycling can happen on the overpass to the Greenway and beach volleyball on that patch of sand on the South 40," she said. "We see this as the perfect way to honor the school's legacy as a place of diversity, equity, inclusion and appreciation

for other cultures, where there was definitely no exploitation or marginalization ever."

Each person who signed the petition had a different factor motivating their opposition to the games.

For some, it was about their voices not being heard.

"This is almost as bad as when they took away the Gargoyle without asking us first," junior football player Ihait Funne wrote in a message to the previously defunct Free Food GroupMe, which students revived after recalling its power to unite in times of crisis.

Others lamented the lack of certain sports' inclusion in the games. "It's too bad the University won't be hosting the winter games, since the athletic department could have repurposed the baseball team for curling,"

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senior Dan Droenke told Student Libel. "They've

been so good at sweeping [other teams] recently."

OOH FIREWORKS | STUDENT LIFE

Wow, where are their masks?! We have some real frat men out here.

SQUIRRELS

6 STUDENT LIBEL

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

@squirrelsofwashu highlights the only people on campus you wish you could social distance from

SQUIRREL #1

This tail belonged in the sex issue

SQUIRREL #4

It’s April Fools! Let’s go nutz

SQUIRREL #14

RIP Alex Trebek

SQUIRREL #5

What’s your protein?

SQUIRREL #13

Those students might come and go, but us squirrels are forever.

SQUIRREL #47

Do you like our acorn-y jokes?

SQUIRREL #65

Hammocks are for amateurs

SQUIRREL #112

What would you caption this? Let us know @squirrelsofwashu

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

TWEETS JOOSH HOOLEY | SENIOR FORUM EDITOR | TALKTOUSPLS@STUDENTLIFE.COM

STUDENT LIBEL 7

Your plants should pull themselves up by the bootstraps GREEN THUMB STAFF POTTER

A

few weeks ago, convinced by the dozens of emails on self-care sent by the University, I purchased potted orchids and decided to grow them from my dorm room.

However, after waiting patiently for several hours, I pulled my plants out from their new home in the darkest corner of my closet and, to my surprise, found that my new flowers had not flourished but instead were beginning to wilt.

After conducting several hours of in-depth

research (See: WikiHow’s incredibly informative article, “How to Plant a Plant”), I began to wonder why I needed to water my orchids anyway. Moreover, why would plants need to be positioned near sunlight, when all the plants I’ve seen seem to grow just fine at night? Why should my hard-earned money (on loan to me from my parents until I graduate and find a stable job) be wasted on the houseplants who are too lazy to put some elbow grease into ensuring their own survival?

Now that it’s officially spring and these parasites

are beginning to sprout in droves, it’s time to have a serious conversation about the drain that plants leave on our national resources.

We have been at the receiving end of a targeted wave of propaganda from plants that reaches as far back as the dawn of farming itself. Back in those days, plants were hard workers—self-made.

In contrast, today’s plants are (literal) pansies. They would have us believe they are incapable of growing in even the most marginally inconvenient situations, and yet their wild ancestor plants have been duking it out in the free (plant) market like the

rest of us for centuries.

If plants are having trouble growing without a handout from Big Brother, they should do what the rest of us do: pray for a miracle, or apply for a loan using the stellar credit score of your parents’ credit card (of which you are an authorized user).

Worse, at nearly every turn you can see the effects of the culture war the plants are waging upon us. I took a walk yesterday and saw no less than a dozen different types of wildlife planted haphazardly across campus—they (that is, Big Flora) might as well be

shoving their leafy agenda down our throats.

Furthermore, to continue providing (green) housing to these plants is not only ludicrous but unAmerican. Perhaps when they finally start working to earn their keep, they can build their own greenhouses; but until then, our taxpayer dollars (again: I do not pay taxes. I do not have a job) should be dedicated elsewhere.

In fact, rumor has it that our very own University has been squandering millions of dollars into the planting and upkeep of a certain red-petaled flower.

It’s time to nip this

Editor’s Note:

foolishness in the bud.

Moving forward, I urge our administration to refuse to give in to the demands of the radical Plantifa. A great first step in this direction would be abolishing the sprinklers on campus. They are already virtually useless.

So: it’s time for our plants to take a page from the book of their cactus brethren and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. If they don’t like it, perhaps they should consider growing in a different country.

As for my (now dead) orchids, they will begin to pay rent at the start of the next business week.

That’s right, we also have a podcast

8 STUDENT LIBEL JAWSHWA HAWLEY & JOSHUAH HAWWLI | SENIOR CADENZA EDITORS | TALKTOUSPLS@STUDENTLIFE.COM

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

ART, SHOWS N STUFF Undercover Chancellor: Martini removes nerd glasses, gets to know the real WU FAKEY NEWSA UNDERCOVER REPORTER In his first television appearance, Chancellor Andrew Martini starred in last night’s episode of WUTV’s “Undercover Chancellor.”

Martini spent a day posing as a W*shington Un*versity student in order to get a better sense of students’ desires. As long as students didn’t bring up WUPD abolition, living wages or Greek Life, Martini fully supported their First Amendment right to voice their concerns.

“I’m excited to see what’s really going on on-campus,” Martini told producers. “Especially with this being such an unprecedented semester and all.”

Some WUTV execs worried Martini was a bit too old to play a believable student.

“It's a good thing I look so young, right?” Martini told them. “Every night I follow a strict moisturizing regimen with my own homemade lotion. It's basically a concoction of Ibby's sangria, tulip petals and a drop or two of fossil fuels. Then I mix it all together in a used COVID

test vial.”

Producers felt more confident once Martini swapped out his iconic circular glasses for a pair of limited edition Wrongtonpalooza shades.

“This is what all the kids wear these days,” he said, slipping into a pair of mom jeans and parting his flowing locks down the middle.

Martini’s first stop was the DUC, where he sat in on a Student Union Executive Board meeting.

“Thank you all for coming,” SU President Cloudy Moo said. “We’ll start by writing our statement on why Chancellor Martini must end W*sh. U.’s need-aware financial aid system.”

“I think the Chancellor is doing a fine job,” Martini said. “It’s great that he wants to be aware of students’ needs.”

“Are you a Student Libel reporter or something? ” Moo asked.

“Um, I’m actually with premiere campus conservative publication Wrongton’s Writings,” Martini quipped, relieved at his quick thinking.

“Anyway, what else do you think about the University?

For the article, of course.”

“Well, I think it’s kind of

messed up that they hosted a donor event last semester that violated campus COVID guidelines,” Moo said. “Seemed like a pretty dangerous thing to do.”

“Sure,” Martini admitted. “But we’ll get a ton from those donors’ wills.”

Following the meeting, Martini decided to pursue his lifelong dream––auditioning for collegiate a cappella.

“I’m really hoping to get into the Aristocats,” Martini said, excitedly.

“I know it’s not a Disney character, but I think the fact that I look like a Minion has to give me some kind of edge.”

Martini chose to sing an original parody of “Tequila” entitled “Martini.”

“He was a bit pitchy,” Aristocats President Hannah Indiana told producers. “And it was kinda weird that he sang a song about the Chancellor, but he said he has a bowling alley in his house, so we’ll probably let him in.”

To get a feel for the University’s academic quality, Martini made his final stop at an introductory sociology class. He arrived late after walking in circles for 30 minutes trying to find Wrongton

Hall.

“Turns out it’s just new LabSci,” Martini said. “Haven’t we given that man enough? He had a whole palooza for Danforth’s sake.”

Once he made it to the classroom, Martini interrupted the professor to ask what topic they were covering.

“We were just discussing the immorality of W*sh.

U.’s minimum wage,” Professor Wug Woo replied.

Suddenly, Martini began hyperventilating. As his breathing got heavier, he seemed to turn into what can only be described as a malfunctioning robot.

“W*sh. U... blehp...St. Louis...merp, meep...gargle...PLAY GLORIA!” he

yelled, his voice becoming completely robotic. “Name and story name and story name and story name and story name and story––” “Woah, are you okay?”

Woo said.

“Sorry,” Martini replied, snapping out of it. “Looks like my two wellness days didn’t fully recharge me.”

“Let's just move on,” Woo said. “Why don't you outline the main arguments from our reading on why Greek Life is built upon a racist, homophobic, classist structure that supports the gender binary and cannot be reformed?”

Martini fainted, rolling down the rightmost aisle of Wrongton 300. The show then cut to a shot of him lying in a quarantine dorm bed. A nurse walked in.

“Oh, Andy,” Nurse Ha Beef said. “You gave us all quite a fright. But, don’t worry. We gave all the students gifts just like they do in ‘Undercover Boss.’”

“Oh, great,” Martini replied. “Those W*sh. U. phone wallets I set aside for them?”

“Even better!” Beef said.

“We waved the tuition increase.”

Devastated by the news, Martini fainted again. Beef told Student Libel he’ll be required to stay in isolation for the next 14 days.

A GoFundMe has been created to cover his $25 dollar-a-day food bill.

“Please, anything helps,” Martini begged his Twitter followers after the episode aired. “That bowling alley isn’t going to clean itself.”

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Mallinckrodt to be demolished, (Lily) PAD to be replaced with little red wagon textbook, the Way of the SABRIE CHEESE THEATRICAL REPRESENTATIVE Sub, dance studios and ON THE CHARCUTERIE BOARD classrooms that have been empty for a very long The theater is a sacred time, Mallinckrodt Center space. Magic happens is a standout building on when the lights dim and campus. Its concrete walls the actors step out on and gray facade leave stage and begin their a lasting impression on performance. Nothing visitors and Wash. U. comcan replace that feeling of munity members alike. sheer wonder and awe at Due to the COVIDthe talent underneath the 19 pandemic, in-person spotlights. Mallinckrodt audiences haven’t graced Center is the home of Edison Theater or the the Wash. U. Performing A.E. Hotchner Studio Arts Department (Lily Theater since last spring.

PAD). Housing two However, that hasn’t theaters (one people don’t stopped the Performing know exists), the campus Arts Department from conbookstore where you can tinuing on with its season. sell your soul for half a Inspired by Professor Risa

Darbus’s desire to bring culture to the pathways of campus, the University has decided to demolish Mallinckrodt Center.

Built in 1972, this concrete wonder will no longer stand on WU’s campus.

Gone will be the school of thought that so many students put into practice out of love for stacked deli meats and giant pretzels.

Instead, students will have to sit in the remnants of Holmes Lounge with the ghosts of the carvery and meditate in order to be anointed with the smell of a Spicy Italian on wheat bread. Dancers will frolic through the tulips planted

at Beaumont Pavillion on Brookings Quad in an attempt to get back to the primal and archaic roots of dance. Whether that will be achieved through rolling in the dirt as a form of modern dance or tiptoeing around it has yet to be decided.

Instead of drama classes, students will instead record themselves going about their daily lives, tracking their emotions via video and send them to their professors. As Yanny Lamp, chair of the department, said, “We want students to find their inner freedom, and since Missouri hasn’t legalized marijuana yet,

we think this is the best contribution we can make to their happiness. Tweets are not enough. Students must harness the drama of teenage love and make the best of it.”

Thyrsus representative Beese Boomre said “We’re glad to see the Lily PAD following in our footsteps.

Why sit in a theater for plays when you could be suddenly exposed to them walking to class?

Demolishing Mallinckrodt is an important step in truly making the student body appreciate theater.”

But what about the plays? Each year, the Lily PAD puts on four plays

as part of the theatrical season. Without a stage or a theater, where will these plays be produced? The Lily PAD will use a little red wagon as its performance playground. Actors will take turns standing in the wagon when they recite their lines. The wagon in question— The Little Wagon That Could—will be wheeled around campus to various art-focused hotspots on campus like Frat Row, Habif Health and NotSo-Wellness Center, the Olympic Onion Rings and Sumers Recreation Center for Protein Powder Distribution.

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