The Wake - Bizzarro - Fall 2019 by The Wake Magazine

THE WAKE Feb 3 - 17 volume 19 - issue 6, bizarro

THE WAKE volume 19 - issue 6

EDITORIAL Editor-in-Chief

Tala Alfoqaha

Managing Editor

Emma Chekroun

Cities Editor

Sylvia Rani

Voices Editor

Esther Chan

Music Editor

Tosin Faseemo

Online editor

Sammi Divito

Copy editors

Autumn Sanders Hannah Haakenson

BMM EBZ

Multimedia Editor

Sebastian Alfonzo

Multimedia Producer

Courtenay Parker

Editorial Interns: Ian Knoll, Mei Gong, Isabel Teitelbaum, Erin Wil-

son, Megan Bormann, Marley Richmond, Kylie Heider, Prahlad Sankrti, Emma Smisek, Martha Huson

PRODUCTION

Executive Director

Macie Rasmussen

Creative Director

Kiley Nelson

Finance Manager

Nikhil Barr-Saxena

PR/Ad Manager

Claire Redell

Social Media Manager

Madison Amland

Art Director

Morgan Wittmers-Graves

Designers

Kelsey Hanscom Samantha Fischer Ellie Kestner

Web Manager

Juan Rujana

Distribution Manager

Cassie Varrige

Production Interns: Olivia May, Grace Augustin, Lizzy Rode Art Interns: Joe Price, Eva Berezovsky, Selena Philaphandeth,

Laura Kuchar

THIS ISSUE

Writers

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota.

Tala Alfoqaha, Samantha Boring, Megan Bormann, Emma Chekroun,

The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong.

Kathryn Richner, Prahlad Sankrti, Emma Smisek, Isabel Teitelbaum, Erin

Samantha DeLeon, Lucci Divito, Hannah Dove, Kylie Heider, Ava Kian, Ian Knoll, Nina Raemont, Sylvia Rani, Macie Rasmussen, Marley Richmond,

Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email eic@wakemag.org

Wilson

The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455

1 Gavin Schuster, 2 Isabelle Snyder, 3 Morgan Wittmers-Graves, 4 Eva

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Art Berezovsky, 5 Lauren Bastian, 6 Joe Price Other images from original sources.

FEBRUARY 2020 tuesday

monday

sunday

friday

wednesday thursday

saturday 1

king princess

battle of the bands

@ palace theatre

@ whole music club 12

the oscars

galentines day valentines Day sale

@ studio 312, northrup king building

vintage market @ machine shop

vito r i D i to Samm ne Edi Onli

Tala A lfoqah a Editor -in-Ch ief

Han n Cop ah H aa y E dit kens on or

tor

Mo Ar rg t an Di W re it ct tm or er

o i eem s Ed s a w n F evie i s R To ic Mus

in Grace August Intern

Kil e Cre a

Kil ey rea Nelso tiv e D n ire ct

Erin Wilson Intern

Mac i Exe e Rasm cut ive ussen Dir ect

e r rrig Manage a V ie on Cass ributi Dist

er uce k r d Pa Pro ay ia n e d rt ime u Co ult M

Kel s Gra ey Han phi c D scom esi gne r Esther Chan Voices Editor

L e tt e r f ro m t h e E d it o r Te e n a g e r Post # 1 3 1 6 9 He l l o, Wa ke R ea de rs. C a re to m o u rn w ith m e ? I ma y be 22, b ut, a dm itte d ly , I spe nd a lot of tim e th in king ab o ut my im pend ing death. Ho w ca n I not? As the clo ck ticks a way du ring class lectu re, or as n ig ht fa l ls wh ile I scru b tab leto ps at wo rk, I ca n’t he l p b ut feel l ike I ’m b e ing th ro w n hea d lo ng thro u gh the passa ge of tim e a nd right into my sh a l low g rave. A nd it’s not be ca use I’m p la gu e d w ith so m e myste rio us a ilm e nt (a lth o ugh th at wo u l d be eas ie r to exp la in to my frie nds a nd fa m ily ) ; instea d, th ese recu rring th o u g hts of do o m a re tha n ks to the wra pp ing u p of my co l le ge yea rs. A lot of p e o p le a re pro bab ly in the sa m e b oat as m e : abo ut to be co ugh ed o ut by th e p u b l i c scho o l syste m, fo rcib ly e je cte d fro m the o n ly wo rld we’ve ever know n. A nd the n what? I’m a g ra duating se n io r— wh ich m ea ns to the yo u nger fo lk, I ’m a s go o d as dea d. B ut th is is o kay . Life m oves fast, a nd we a re a l l at the m e rcy of its w h ip lash . I ns tea d, let’s m o m e nta rily shove these n ih il istic tho ughts as id e a nd reflect on a l l th e yea rs go n e by . Pa rticu la rly , o u r heydays, o u r p in na cles, o u r pea ks: m id d le scho o l. I t was a s im p le r tim e , a ltho u gh we we re to o wra ppe d u p in the tria ls a nd trib ulat io n s of o u r o w n a do lesce nce to rea l ize . It was a n e ra of sq u ish ed pea nut b utte r a nd je l ly sa ndw iches a nd co lo rfu l a e ro posta le sh irts; a n era of b ra ces g l ea m ing u nde r fluo resce nts a nd sticky l ipg loss sm ea re d a ro u nd m o uths. W e we re sca re d, we we re ea ge r. We we re u n kno w ing ly a wash w ith a l l th e poss ib il it ies of o u r y o uth. The futu re was to o fa r a way fo r us to com preh end , b ut no w it’s g la ring ly he re , just as it a lways w il l be . D o n’t get m e wro ng, m idd le scho o l was a wkwa rd, eve ry s ing le pa rt of it. Yo u c o u l dn’t pay m e to sl ip ba ck into my be daz z le d, lo w-rise jea ns, a nd l isten to kids ta lk abo ut who kisse d who u nde r the b lea che rs. But we a re th e su m of a l l o u r cringey ch ild ho o d expe rie nces, a pe rso n bo rn fro m those locker-s id e e nc o u nte rs w ith o u r crushes, sha pe d by bruta l do dge ba l l ga m es in o u r il l-fitt ing gy m clothes. S o , yes; I’m m o re o r less be ing flu ng to wa rds my eve ntua l a n n ih ilation by th e p e rp etua l ha nds of my o w n inte rna l clo ck. S o a re a l l of us. It’s okay to m o u rn th e yea rs go n e by , eve n the ba d o n es. In fa ct, let’s ce le brate th e u ncomforta b l e a nd e m ba rrass ing. Let’s re l ish in o u r m o u rn ing, be ca use a n ex istence wo rth m iss ing was a n ex iste nce wo rth l iv ing. Eve n whe n we w ere in m id d le s c h o o l. T h a n k y o u fo r p icking u p th is issue of The Wa ke . M ay it m o m enta rily slow y o u r desce nt to wa rds do o m a nd re m ind y o u of o u r not-to -be -forgotten tim e in th e ea rly 2000’s.

S a m m i Div ito

REFLECTIONS CIT-

Your Body, Your Fault 6

When school dress codes go too far BY EMMA SMISEK

School dress codes are not inherently unreasonable, but there is a difference between telling kids to dress nicely and implying that they should be ashamed of their bodies. In their middle school years, many young teenagers are already painfully selfconscious, insecure, and terrified of being judged for how they look. Highly restrictive dress codes only worsen this, making students feel as though adult employees are scrutinizing their bodies, looking closely for anything that might be too arousing. School dress codes also tend to disproportionately target girls, who are held responsible for ensuring their outfits aren’t “distracting” male classmates and teachers. In other words, others’ reactions to their bodies are their own fault. Middle schoolers experience great vulnerability, and it can be difficult for them to recognize that they’re not the problem. As a middle schooler, I didn’t understand the concept of victimblaming. It wasn’t until recently that I fully grasped the problem with this attitude, when my (female) supervisors at work scolded me for wearing a blouse they deemed too low-cut. It looked fine when I was standing up but not when they walked past me while I was leaning over a desk. They said shirts needed to cover “inappropriate parts” from all angles and essentially blamed me for the fact that they were looking down my shirt.

Paris Hilton Queen of the 2000s BY SAMANTHA BORING

This attitude is a form of victim-blaming, and it exists in school dress codes that go too far. For example, a male teacher ogling a girl and insisting it’s her own fault for distracting him comes dangerously close to the “she was asking for it” defense. Considering these issues, I propose a new, universal school dress code. One which will put all minds and hormones at ease: any teacher or other employee who complains that the way female students dress is too distracting must come to work wearing a blindfold.

Colorful Juicy Couture tracksuits, mini skirts the size of a belt, bedazzled phones, purse dogs, limitless pink, and Von dutch—that’s hot. Paris Hilton is the epitome of the hottest trends from the early 2000s, from hundreds of fan pages to her album “Paris” with hit songs like “Stars are Blind” and “Nothing in this World.” No wonder Hilton paved the way as the queen of the 2000s. As one of the biggest reality television stars in her show, “The Simple Life” with Nicole Richie, Hilton’s life was anything but simple. She was one of the first “being famous for being famous” and used her fame—that started with her family’s Hilton Hotels—to release books and music, star in movies and television shows, and model on runways. From flaunting bedazzled phones, carrying chiuauas on red carpets, wearing the lowest cut jeans, and exposing her belly button rings, Hilton was a ruling trendsetter for this era. But she would not be complete without her drama-filled life that enamored the tabloids. While being followed around by her “pretty posse,” as the paparazzi would call it, Hilton had her BFFs including Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, Nicole Richie, and even Lindsey Lohan. A prime example of the drama-filled life for such an icon, is that after partying with Britney Spears in Los Angeles one night, Hilton began a never-ending feud with Lohan who crashed the party after not being invited. Both Hilton and Lohan bashed each other’s names for years whenever the paparazzi was around, and, even now in 2019, they continue to throw shade on social media. With her fashion trends, famous for being famous, and her drama-filled life, Hilton’s iconic era of the 2000s has crowned her as the queen of the 2000s and paved the way for the 10’s queen: Kim Kardashian.

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REFLECTIONS

Mental Health in Middle Schools The struggles of being a middle schooler in the modern-age BY AVA KIAN

I remember middle school and the mental struggles that joined me on my journey. While everyone was experiencing difficulties, it wasn’t encouraged to discuss it. Middle school was the place to display strength where any talk of feelings and negativity meant immediate weakness and destruction of your middle school experience. Today’s middle schoolers go through a similar experience, but their situation is exacerbated by the increasing societal pressures. I recently spoke with a seventhgrader, Jane Doe (name changed) who attends a public school in South Minneapolis. She found depression, anxiety, and body image issues to be most important. When asked about what measures her school has taken to help students, she said they hand out surveys during advisory classes and offer a school counselor. Through these measures, the school pretends to address mental health in the school but doesn’t recognize the foundational problems that lead to mental health issues within schools. One teacher even said that the “lower-level math class is meant to help kids with mental health issues,” dividing students with mental health issues and demeaning them. The student continued, explaining that last fall, a student committed suicide, and the school is not doing “a damn thing about it.” Students are angry and upset with the leadership. They recognize that adults should be able to do something about mental health within the school, and “if they can’t, they shouldn’t run the school.”

Mental health should be a priority of the school, but instead, the district has set increasingly high pressure on students. As a result of academic pressures and stress, Doe described the feeling of coming home upset from societal expectations and piled-up school work, yet she feels ashamed and irresponsible for crying rather than studying. Additionally, she mentioned the effects of cliques, puberty, the pressure of grades, and “otherness” on mental health. Cliques have historically been an issue, but in her opinion, their bullying is a smaller issue compared to the more significant problems within society. Puberty continues to be an uncomfortable topic for middle schoolers, and “getting used to something different and being okay in your body is difficult.” In middle school, beauty standards become especially apparent as societal pressures scrutinize individuals’ body types, features, and race. The most prominent change for middle schoolers today is social media, and different platforms affect individuals in various ways. Doe elaborated that Tik Tok has been a source of body positivity and acceptance, featuring diverse individuals with relatable lived experiences. Meanwhile, Instagram’s “makeup craze” caused her to grow up faster than she had expected. On the positive side, following individuals who were body positive encouraged her to be less selfconscious about her body. With all of these factors piled on top of one another, she explained that it makes it harder to talk to people and sustain relationships out of the fear of opening up, burdening others, and having

friends “drop out” after sharing. While students need a solution more than ever, it’s not that clear cut. Older communities need to contemplate how they support the young generation. She expressed the importance of having teachers and role models who can connect to students, care, know about their students, and add value to a student’s personal life. While this change in teaching personality is needed, so is a systematic structural change in the education system and environment. Additionally, Doe expressed an interest in a space for older students and middle schoolers to be vulnerable together, make longlasting relationships, and receive advice crucial to middle school and mental health. Students in this day and age are under more pressure than ever before. The societal and academic stress loops middle schoolers into a cycle that’s extremely difficult to escape without adequate school and family support. Students need a shift in available resources, especially if schools continue to increase academic standards. Meditation and mindfulness programs, for instance, would benefit students and open up the possibility of even higher academic achievement. Schools need more loving teachers who genuinely care about the wellbeing and personal lives of their students. If the school system makes a shift to prioritize their student’s mental health rather than their educational performance, they may come to realize that strong mental health is the baseline to a successful education.

REFLECTIONS

The Afterlife of a Fangirl

FOB at the Lunch Table

Embracing the embarrassment of online adolescence

Was being different all that bad?

BY KYLIE HEIDER It’s hard to pinpoint the feeling of returning to my Tumblr blog. It’s like walking into your old bedroom, and everything feels a lot smaller than it used to. My profile picture is from four years ago at the beginning of my freshman year of high school. My bio reads simply: “follow 4 quality art memes.” I have 577 followers. I have almost 50,000 posts. Now, my old Tumblr blog lives a quiet life on the shelves of the Internet, collecting dust. The archive dates back to June 2013. I was twelve years old, going into 7th grade. Most posts include the typical nerdy fan-girl content about “Doctor Who,” “Sherlock,” “Lord of The Rings,” and Marvel movies—all of which I can’t look at without cringing. Going through these posts, which span from 2013–2017, it is strange to see how much I don’t remember. It’s not like looking back on an old diary or even a forgotten MySpace; in fact, I hardly

wrote any original posts at all. My old Tumblr is a series of reblogs, preserving the stream of consciousness like engagement with images or analyses or memes that I felt were important enough for me to want to keep. I know how much space these obsessions took up in my life. Now, I can’t even recall what most of them are, liking them much less. The immaculate time capsule of my blog serves as an abounding testament to the awkward, embarrassing plights of my tweenage years. Seeing all my old influences and all the things I was once devoted to, I wonder why I ever thought they would all really stick with me. But I’m glad they’re there, if only to remind me of those bygone days from which my current self somehow meandered out of.

BY AVA KIAN Middle school was a rough time for most. I’d argue that some had it even worse, though. Imagine being back in middle school—mid puberty, constant drama, and endless crushes. Now imagine on top of all that, you are significantly different from everyone you know. As a child of immigrants, the feeling of otherness that prevails during puberty was only exacerbated in middle school. I remember opening my thermos at lunch and hearing my friends say, “Ew, what’s that smell?” looking at me funny and wondering why I wasn’t “normal” just like them. I used to beg my mom to buy Lunchables, so that I could avoid the conversations about my “exotic” food. It was difficult to make friends because not only did I struggle to relate to other kids, but my parents had a challenging time connecting with other parents. Throughout the years, biases held by the Linden Hills parents were evident through subtle signs of islamophobia and prejudice against Iran. It’s only natural that kids pick up on the behaviors of their parents, and it served as a significant barrier for our immigrant family to connect with the local community. Worst of all, many of my family’s values didn’t align with those of my friends. For instance, when my friends found out that my mom wouldn’t let me hang out with boys, they stopped inviting me simply because we had different principles. Middle school was a time in life where it was clear the general society did not accept my family and, as a result, caused me to feel ashamed of my incredible culture and parents. Immigrant parents deserve the world as they gave up everything to create a better life for their children, and no child should ever feel ashamed of their loving family.

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FEATURE

A Letter to my Flat Chest Scratch thatâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;a letter to you BY EMMA CHEKROUN

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FEATURE

There’s no feeling quite like sitting in your eighth grade classroom while watching two people flip through a yearbook filled with you and your classmates to decide who’s ugly. It seems so mundane until you overhear their conversation and realize exactly what they are doing. By the time they reach your photo, you’re already resigned to the fact that this probably won’t go well. You hold your breath and hope that they skip you—so you don’t have to be reminded that you’re not the only one who doesn’t like how you look. I can attest to how weird it is to watch two people share a moment in which they decide that you’re ugly. And the weirdness lies not so much in the debate itself—everyone judges—but rather how to-the-point the debate is. There’s no ambiguity or passivity. It’s direct. You know that they have anointed themselves as the authorities on all things pretty. You know your picture is coming up. And, devoid of your input and emotions, you watch helplessly as the verdict is passed down. You’re ugly. Point blank, bring down the gavel, court adjourned. Surprisingly, the worst part for me was not the judgement. In fact, the judgement itself hurt very little—not that I didn’t think I was ugly. I knew I was ugly. They may as well have added that the sky was blue. And that, reader, was precisely the issue: it felt natural to feel ugly. When I set out to write this letter, I wanted to address it to my middle school chest. Nothing made me more insecure growing up than the flatness of my chest.

But I now realize that I don’t need that letter. My chest doesn’t need that letter. Now, at 22 years old, I still have a small chest, and I’m alright with that. So I’m addressing this to the girls younger than me—in middle school, in high school, who are starving themselves, like I did, avoiding mirrors, like I did, imagining the day they could get a boob job, like I did. And I need to start off by saying: the road to self-acceptance is not going to be easy. Reader, there are few things in life that are universally true. Take comfort in this one: you will always be more than your appearance. Maybe not to everyone, but to the people who matter, the sum of your features is a minor part of a much larger picture. Your intelligence, your kindness, your music taste, the way you hug, the way you dance, the way you laugh, and yes, how you look, will all sum up to you. But you will never be just your appearance.

And that fact took me a while to understand. If you saw me now, you may think that I can’t relate to feeling anything but skinny. I’m 5’2” and a size zero without diet or exercise. But when I was 15, still 5’2”, I weighed 71 lbs, and no healthy, well-adjusted teen goes into high school that size. The summer between middle school and high school was one of the worst for my self esteem. After three years of being disappointed with my flat chest, I decided to take measures into my own hands. While I couldn’t control the size of my chest, I could control the size of my waist, and somehow, I began to believe that the

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FEATURE

flatter my stomach was, the larger my chest would look—please take a moment to laugh, reader, because that logic is truly absurd. But that’s how I thought. Throughout that period of my life, I dreaded the beach. A visit to the beach always induced panic because it meant my body would be on full display. I would abstain from eating the entire night before until I would finally give up and eat pasta while sobbing. This would eventually result in me trying to throw up what I had eaten.Yet all I knew about bulimia was informed by television, so I didn’t realize that you had to throw up immediately after eating. I don’t know if that is really funny or really sad, but it happened. It took going into highschool at 5’2” and 71 lbs and a very concerned conversation with a doctor and my mom to realize that my eating habits needed to change. Finding out that staying as underweight as I was could mean I would be unable to have kids down the road was enough to shock me out of it. That was my wake up call. But to this day I don’t really consider myself as having an eating disorder. I have always seen myself as someone who skipped a few meals and was always on the skinny side. Growing up, I had a very specific idea of what someone with an eating disorder looked like. That person never ate or ate comically small portions. I never thought someone with an eating disorder could look like me—I just thought I had chronic low self-esteem. According to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), this could be why

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broader definitions of eating disorders are being used in research in the U.S. More than five percent of girls met the criteria for an eating disorder when a group of nearly 500 young girls were followed from age 12 to 20 by researchers. But after researchers expanded the study to include nonspecific eating disorder symptoms, that percentage went up to 13, according to research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It didn’t take long after my recovery before I found a new issue to fixate on: my skin. This new obsession could likely be linked to body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), which is characterized by spending excessive amounts of time worrying about flaws that don’t exist or are minimal—in some cases to the degree of impairing day-to-day life. And my focus on my skin did impair my day-to-day life. Throughout high school my skin was the worst it had ever been. Every night, I would obsessively go to the mirror and take a black head extractor to various parts of my face hoping to get rid of any new blemish I found. It got so bad that I often had more scabs than acne. This type of skin picking is one possible symptom of BDD. The age that this symptom developed is not unusual; BDD often begins around the ages of 12–13, and according to the International OCD Foundation, two-thirds of people with BDD experience onset before the age of 18, which is when most people graduate high school.

FEATURE

There were times when I picked my skin so aggressively that I was left with small gash-like spots. I remember one in particular resembled the charred and bloodied appearance of a cigarette burn. I quickly learned I could hide my picking with Band-Aids. I would go to work on a spot, slap a Band-Aid on it, and then make up a lie the next day about hitting a door or burning myself with a curling iron. When I wasn’t hiding my spots with Band-Aids, I was hiding myself from the world. The International OCD Foundation lists avoiding social situations or going out less to avoid others seeing flaws as one of many signs of BDD. I hated the part of the day where I had to take off my thick concealer and look at the bright red spots and scabs left behind. I made sure to always be in my room when my makeup was off, and if I had to pass anyone while leaving my room, I would keep my head down. I would also often wait until late at night to leave my room, so the chance of running into anyone in the house was even less likely. The budding mounds on my face took priority over my former insecurity—the mounds on my chest that refused to bud. Thanks to Victoria’s Secret, and the fact that, instead of stuffing, I could just spend $50 on a bra that did the stuffing for me, my breast insecurities became more subconscious. While I didn’t feel the same dread about my chest as I did about my skin, reader, I don’t think you can call wearing a push up bra everyday loving your chest. At least I couldn’t.

And, from middle school to now, I’ve arrived at this conclusion: you can’t love yourself until you accept yourself. I couldn’t love my chest until I accepted it, and the path was never as simple as just deciding that I would accept my small chest. My appearance is always changing. It’s a never-ending process. Liking something about yourself in one moment is easier than accepting that thing in any and every given moment. Our skin, our bodies, ourselves—we change. And while our appearances may be different, our value isn’t. These stories won’t make you accept or love yourself. There’s no perfect path to reaching the point where you’re okay with what you see in the mirror because paths inevitably come to an end. For several years after that eighth grade yearbook experience, I wouldn’t let anyone take my photo. I still worry about what people think of me, that I’m the ugly “fill in the blank.” Ugly girlfriend, ugly student, ugly sister, ugly managing editor—I choose those labels more often than I’d like to admit. But I no longer cringe when someone takes my photo. That, reader, is what I mean when I say that self-love is not a path because the process of learning to love yourself doesn’t end. I’m not where I want to be with my self-esteem, and I’m writing a story that hasn’t come to an end. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not further along from where I started, and that’s what matters. No back, rack or curve But how can you be happy? Because I said so

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AUTOGRAPHS

ADVICE

DEAR SYLVIA,

Ask Us!

WTF is acne, and what is happening to me? What can I do about this? Sincerely, PIZZAFACE DEAR PIZZAFACE, Acne happens when your skin produces too much oil and/or traps bacteria, causing inflammation and those pesky little bumps. You can thank your new influx of hormones for this unwelcome skin disturbance. If your acne bothers you, there are many treatment options. For small whiteheads, try a gentle exfoliant with AHA or BHA acids to facilitate skin cell turnover. For deeper pimples or cysts, try a hydrocolloid patch to absorb excess fluids from your skin. And maintain skin hygiene—a lot of acne is caused by bacteria, so wash your face before bed and launder your pillowcase often. Stress can also trigger breakouts through hormonal changes that increase oil production. Take time for yourself and make sure you’re getting the sleep and nourishment you need. And cut out toxic people—your skin will take on a new glow, I promise! It may be tempting to pop those whiteheads as you see them flare up. Don’t! They will most likely leave scars. Even if they don’t scar, popping pimples spreads the bacteria that caused them, creating even more acne. Save yourself the headache and leave your zits alone. Finally, Pizzaface, don’t let acne get in the way of living your life. Pimples are nothing to be ashamed of—you could think of them as cute little adornments to your skin. Go to that party, ask that person out, and enjoy your youth. Sincerely, SYLVIA RANI

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Our A dvice Answe Exper r You ts r Bur n Quest ing ions!

DEAR MARLEY,

DEAR PRAHLAD,

There’s a girl in my class who I just can't stop thinking about. Her strawberry lip gloss makes my head spin, but I’m too shy to tell her how I feel—I’m not even sure if she knows I exist! How can I get her to notice me?

After weeks of planning to win over my crush, I finally found the nerve to ask them to the movies (with a group, obviously. I’m not that bold). The only remaining hurdle? I have to clear it with my parents. How do I bring this up to them?

xoxo, STRAWBERRY DAYDREAMS DEAR STRAWBERRY DAYDREAMS, I totally know the feeling. Flirting with girls is hard! But a well-placed “truth is” on Facebook is the ticket to making your daydreams come true (and maybe getting a little taste of that strawberry lip gloss). The trick to crafting your initial post is to be casual, but make it clear that this is an exclusive opportunity. Something along the lines of “Truth is… if you’re special ;)” will show that you’re not going to post on just anyone’s wall. With any luck, your crush will find out she is one of the special few by liking your status.

Please help, ROMEO DEAR ROMEO, So, your parents have a strict no-relationships policy. Luckily, there are a few ways around this. Here are some tried-andtested ways to persuade them to let you hang out with a (potential) significant other:

A few hours after your crush has liked your status, start your “truth is” with a compliment— being casual doesn’t mean you can’t flirt! Even if you don’t yet have any inside jokes yet, make your post personal by telling her something specific you like about her, like her smile! Keep your post short, but don’t forget to mention that you two should “totally hang out sometime.”

Dishonesty: They don’t need to know all the details. Simply exclude you-know-who when talking about who you’re going with, and fudge the answer to any related queries. E.g. “But who’s that other one?” “Uh, not sure, I think Joe brought a friend.” Bargaining: One of the oldest tactics in the book, where you’ll have to give something up or do something extra in order to gain permission. E.g. “I’ll help you wash the dishes next week, I promise.” Guilt-tripping: A slightly more sophisticated method, where you’ll have to be a little angsty to show them why their rules are just so oppressive. E.g. “But you never let me go out or do anything I want! I’m like your slave in this house!”

After your “truth is” post, keep the momentum up between you two and chat with her in person! Sparks will fly before you know it.

And if all else fails, there’s always that wholesome appeal to reason and common sense, gently getting them to see your point of view.

Good luck!

Here’s to keeping Mom and Dad in the dark about your relationship-to-be, which will probably last for all of two weeks. And then, of course, the cycle begins anew.

Sincerely, MARLEY RICHMOND

Sincerely, PRAHLAD SANKRTI

ADVICE DEAR SYLVIA

DEAR LUCCI,

DEAR OLDER TALA,

The world is getting crazier and I feel helpless to stop it. How do I make a difference?

I just started at a new middle school. To my untrained ear, the awkward mumbling of other students is completely foreign to me. If there was a way for me to translate this nonsense, I think I’d find it a lot easier to make friends.

Hi! It’s your seventh-grade self! I love Aeropostale, lowrise skinny jeans, and glitter eyeshadow. Here’s my question: How do I retain a strong sense of self amidst this ongoing stream of existential confusion and contradiction? How do I resist the desire to succumb to all the coercive forces around me, a young woman growing up in a consumerist and commercialized world where female bodies are both shamelessly commodified and shamefully covered, and remain true to myself when I don’t even know who that self is? Does self-doubt ever cease? Will Mom ever let me buy the joggers with the word “ABERCROMBIE” monogrammed onto the ass?

Sincerely, FED UP DEAR FED UP, We are certainly living in interesting times, aren’t we? Australia is burning. The ocean is polluted. We have an orange as our president. There seems to be so much injustice, hatred, and pain out there; it can make you feel overwhelmingly small. More painful is that this hatred and injustice is enforced by systems that hold great power over individuals like you and meI. Start by feeling your feelings. What are you most passionate about? What goal or cause can you work for andput in the work that it takes to make a difference? What came to your mind as you read those lines? Devote your efforts to it. You can be passionate about manynumerous causes, but you have a limited amount of time on this Eearth, and you simply can’t fix everything. But you can make a significant amount of change infor one thing. Contact your elected officials. Volunteer with an organization. Use your online platforms to advocate for change. Get vocal and educate your community of friends and family on the issues that matter to you. You are significant! We often forget that our single voice can have a large impact when we choose to use it. Lastly, Fed Up, choose to be tender in the face of injustice. In today’s hateful, fearful-based world, kindness is a bravely radical act. Choose love, empathy, and understanding. With love, SYLVIA RANI

Please help, CONFUSED DEAR CONFUSED, It sounds like you’re having a hard time understanding the slang words used by your classmates. Here’s a little beginner’s guide to middle school lingo to help you out. “Swag” An adjective used by the younger generations as an alternative to the word “cool.” Check out the snapback my mom got me from Hot Topic. That’s so swag! “Like A Boss” When someone completes an action with authority or expertise. All the stalls were taken so Kate pissed in the water fountain like a boss. “YOLO” An acronym of the phrase “you only live once.” It is a call to live life to the fullest, regardless of the risk attached. It’s most effective when shouted. I’m going to ask for Sarah’s Kik ‘cause YOLO! “Dope” To say that something is good. It is very short and to the point. It’s dope when the lunch lady gives you 6 chicken nuggets instead of 5. “Beast mode” A mode people switch when performing activities extreme power, skill, or determination. Drinking a ster energy drink helps this transition.

into with Monwith

xoxo, SOCCERGIRL7 :p DEAR SOCCERGIRL7, The short answers to your questions are: not sure, not sure, think so, yes (bad move, Mom). The long answer is: I like to think that the coercion becomes more manageable as we age. Our awareness grows that we are, in some sense, beholden to both benevolent and damaging, consistent and conflicting expectations about what femininity should look like, yet I’m coming to the realization that we’ll never be able to fully extricate ourselves from the tangled web spun by societies and cultures and markets. But maybe we don’t need to do so to find ourselves. I don’t know if I believe in unwaveringly confident, blind intuition—if I have one, it’s been awfully indecisive these past 20 years—but I do believe in allowing our sense of contentment to guide us. So buy those Abercrombie pants. You’ll regret them in eight years, but for now, I know they’ll make you feel good. TALA ALFOQAHA

Dude, I went absolute beast mode on the pacer test today. Tripled my score to a 14. By dropping these trendy words, you’re guaranteed a one-way ticket to Coolsville. 3

You Only Live Once, LUCCI DIVITO

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FASHION/TRENDS

Nothing instills more embarrassment and existential crisis in me than looking at what my middle school self deemed cute and okay to wear in public. Many consider the 2000s to be a dark moment in their fashion history—myself included. My utmost sympathy to fellow victims of wearing floral dresses over bootcut jeans, Aeropostale and Abercrombie t-shirts, large, gaudy belts, and denim-on-denim. It’s second-nature to recognize 2000s trends that should stay far from the limelight, but who decided that snakeskin should come back? And god forbid Heelys, the shoes with wheels that gave you the ability to glide instead of walk, make any sort of reappearance. Honestly, there’s nothing not to love about these shoes: they’re practical, affordable, and incredibly cool. While Heelys may have originated in middle school, imagine how much better of a trend they would be in adult life: cutting travel time in half and giving adults the ability to effortlessly skate around grocery stores and the office, all while looking a complete badass. Although not quite as practical as Heelys, tracksuits

Bring Back the 2000s Fashion trends that need to make a comeback BY KATHRYN RICHNER

Even if it was just a phase—and let’s be real, what isn’t?—screaming music, dark makeup, and a little defiance were a valid way of handling

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So fire up your bedazzler, grab your tracksuit, break in those Heelys, and join me in giving these legends a comeback.

need to fill our closets again. The classic Juicy Couture velour tracksuit needs to be embraced instead of rejected. They maximize comfort, they’re flattering, and they’re basically monochromatic perfection. It’s time to embrace your inner Regina George and rock this look in 2020. I might lose some support on this one, but you should probably

A T O N S ’ ! IT M O M , E PHAS There’s nothing more punk than a group of thirteen-year-old girls with dyed hair, too much eyeliner, and clothes from Hot Topic... right? Despite how cringey it feels to look back on our middle school emo phases (don’t lie, you had one, too), it does make sense that a style and music defined by rebellion and fighting the system appealed to a group of young people being introduced to teenage angst. Yet while we may have moved on from whatever our emo phases entailed, we don’t have to renounce it all and shame our past selves! A little rebellion is an important part of growing up, and some elements are worth keeping in your life.

guess why you stopped bedazzling. Yes, you can easily overdo it, but bedazzling is a way to make store-bought clothes original and unique to your wardrobe. Get creative and add a little detailing to a piece of clothing—it makes a huge difference.

second

(But even if it is, that doesn’t make it any less real)

BY MARLEY RICHMOND

problems that felt larger than life. Emo music can be an outlet that validates many of the struggles that came with coming of age and handling our first forays into complicated friendships, first relationships, and developments of our identities. Middle school can be full of one’s first independent ventures into the “real world,” a place where it feels like the system is not on our side. Punk music, which grew out of young people’s anger and resentment about a system which didn’t work for them, makes sense for the lives of middle schoolers as well. The melodrama and introspection of modern pop punk music fits the bill for expression of such teenage angst. And while you may have grown out of that phase of your life, pop-punk music can still

hit an angsty, political, or nostalgic need that nothing else can. So, looking back on your own emo phase or that of current middle schoolers, cut everyone some slack—despite how silly it may seem, there is a reason young people seek out the validation of their problems that comes from hardcore music and rebellious fashions.

FASHION/TRENDS

Horse Girls: How the horse girl phenomenon Where Are persists, and what it says about girls in our culture They Now? BY HANNAH DOVE

Coming back home for Thanksgiving break, I sat down my two middle-school aged cousins Nadya and Maya and asked them, point blank, if horse girls were still a thing. A flicker of something flashed on both faces—was it recognition? Fear? They both agreed that the horse girl phenomena was still alive and well—girls who, for all intents and purposes, live and breathe horses. I asked them why they thought these girls were so obsessed; Maya explained that maybe, they like running on all fours, but Nadya said something else that stuck with me: “Horses are pretty and majestic and free—and maybe those girls just want to be like that.” These are the horse girls. These are their stories.

Liv (Minnesota) I would say what marked me as a horse girl was first participating in pretending to be a horse at recess… I actually got into the horse interest through cats. My friend Cecilia and I were big into cats in general, and then we found out about the Warrior Cats books and would act out scenes from them at recess… I think being a horse girl 1) requires being part of a community of horse girls, which my friends stopped being in middle school, and 2) is like a piece of personality formation.

Emily (Illinois) I became a horse girl maybe around age 7 or 8, if at all—[horses are] a big part of my life, but it’s not my only focus. I’m really big into dogs as well, and I’m involved with a lot of other groups other than riding. I don’t really think of being a horse girl as a proper endeavor, but if I had to choose, being a horse girl is probably more based in community than solitariness. I don’t think I’ve ever considered myself a horse girl though. Yes, it’s a big part of my life, and always has been, but it’s never been something I’ve actually labeled myself as.

Michelle (Illinois) I’ve always loved horses… My mom was really into horses when she was little so that probably influenced me a little, but anyone who spends a decent amount of time with them would probably get the infatuation. They’re big, but they’re like really big dogs—they all have their own personalities and tendencies, and the trust that comes with working with them is what draws me the most. It’s awesome to be able to have that kind of connection with something that’s THAT much bigger than you. I do

Kasia (Missouri) I have no idea where my obsession of horse came from—probably a combination of ADHD hyper-focus and the fact that my favorite toy as a really young kid was this plastic horse I brought out to the sandbox. For me, being a horse girl was a solitary endeavor, but for people who actually had the opportunity to ride (and were able to find friends who shared their interests) it could absolutely be a community endeavor. Although I still like horses and ride when I have the opportunity (which is very rare), I no longer consider myself a “horse girl.” I don’t ride regularly, I’m not really involved in that type of community, and my main interests now lie elsewhere.

Joely (Minnesota) It wasn’t one specific moment—it was like I was always so in love with horses that I would only wear my horse t-shirts. I played with myself a lot as a kid, and I would just pretend I was a horse and run around in the backyard like a horse. I think it all started with my aunt from Minneapolis—she was my idol, and she would come down once a week to bring me a new VHS to watch. I would always request an informational video about different breeds of horses. That, and watching Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen ride horses, I was obsessed with them too—all the horse movies were the most interesting movies, so the horse was the most interesting animal.

love horses, and I can see myself following that passion now and for the rest of my life. Everybody asks what horse girls are but never really why they are horse girls: what person, place, and/or event was such a catalyst that these girls decidedly revolved their identities around this singular animal. A common thread runs through each story of these girls lives: whether it was an idol they grew up admiring or a group they wanted to be a part in, being a horse girl allowed them to develop a personality that all at once defied the harsh criticisms of the elementary school playground and built up their own esteem in what they loved—which were horses.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Be the Jade to my Beck?

relationship full of witty back and forth. He’s a heartthrob and she’s a rebel—although Beck does resemble a certain dreamy bad boy in the Breakfast Club episode when he rolls in wearing a trench coat and fingerless gloves. It’s easy to relate to Jade’s blunt attitude; every girl can recall being mean or “flirting” with a crush. She’s one of the only main characters on Nickelodeon without some serious pep. It’s not that she doesn’t care, she just doesn’t appreciate Tori’s overly cheery attitude.

In the midst of early 2000’s fashion and musical talent, Jade and Beck are the main attraction on “Victorious.” Between the two of them, they have the best hair on the show. They’re like an offbeat, frisky cop duo that roams the halls of Hollywood Arts High School. Beck’s the good cop to Jade’s bad cop. Finally, an edgy couple that takes teen shows into PG-13 ratings. While there isn’t PDA in every episode, there’s plenty of hot and heavy scenes where Jade and Beck’s make-out sessions go beyond the normal awkward teen pecks. We’re talking hands in hair, on hips, roaming around each other.

Beck has an effortless Candian charm and personable demeanor, so when he says, “okay, talk to Daddy,” obviously my only thought is “yes, sir.” Paired with Jade’s sassy and tough exterior, this makes for a passionate

Love

Notes in Lockers

By: Macie Rasmussen

I sit on my bed and wonder, as usual, “Why is vulnerability so difficult?” “Why is making your crush privy to your affection terrifying?” It’s hard for everyone, sure, but especially for me. I’m particularly dreadful at it, and here’s my prediction as to why:

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had a plan, of course. I watched my peers file out of the hallways after school, and like a scribe, I spilled my heart out onto that wide-ruled piece of notebook paper. The ink, destined for my 6th-grade crush, described how I liked him. “Like” is a funny word with a myriad of meanings, but to my 12-year-old mind, it felt like the most thrilling confession of my life. I have no idea how I knew which locker was his.

By: Isabel Teitelbaum

After their big break up, Beck realizes he needs her stubbornness and wild streak. While he could get any number of girls, he prefers one who pushes back and challenges him rather than fawning over him. Every girl needs a boy she can be sassy towards and who appreciates her attitude. Their time together was a message to girls that it’s okay to have a big personality. Clearly, these two are relationship goals.

As I strutted down the empty hallway, adrenaline rushed through my veins. Debating once again, I stood in front of the blue locker, paper in my hand, and knew there was no going back now. I gracefully slid that slip of vulnerability into the crack. I don’t know if I ran back down the hallway, but I can picture myself doing just that. The next day provoked anxiety. If I recall correctly, I saw my crush open his lock- 2 er and the note fall out. I can’t say for sure because I’m sure my premature brain may have blocked out that dramatic scene. Throughout the day, I discovered he told everyone as if it was a funny story to be shared. Quickly, my hope for a romantic connection turned into embarrassment. It’s unsettling to recognize that the all too familiar feeling of disappointment began in middle school, and the regret of idealism continued on to the present. And that’s when I swore I would never be vulnerable again. Haha—just kidding. Unless….

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Middle School

Heartbreaker The trials and tribulations of a middle schooler By: Samantha De Leon Try and blur out your middle school years all you want, but this was a period when our preadolescent minds believed that we could live happily ever after with our sixth-grade love. This fairytale would inevitably come to an end when your crush didn’t respond to your goodnight text, making you want to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment. I remember my first heartbreak, delivered to me via text on my Samsung slide phone. The brutal message read: “Sammy, I just want to be friends.” After my heart dropped to my bedroom floor, I lay in bed thinking about why he had sent this. It finally occurred to me: I had been curved. I had thought that he liked me, because the night before, we were sending each other flirty Facebook messages with kissy-face emojis. I always wore my best outfits on days I knew I would see him, so I knew it had nothing to do with my Twilight graphic t-shirt or my Silly Bandz. But my outfits hadn’t won his heart, and his text message was a way of easing the pain of rejection. Despite my awful breakup, getting curved made me learn some important life lessons. I learned that your best friends will always help you after a breakup and that there is nothing that comfort food, sleepovers, and movies can’t fix. I learned that there are plenty of other fish in the sea and that I was so over what’shis-face and dating in general. Most importantly, I learned that this only stuck until you met your new crush, and then you’re right back to where you started: in love.

White Boys of the Month, or there and Back Again An homage to all the boys I’ve loved before (from 2008-2012) By: Kylie Heider We know them, we love them, we want them. They are dark-haired and blue-eyed, pale and skinny. We see them in movies and on Instagram. We wait outside their nondescript, rumored locations for them to get out of dark Cadillacs, hoping to get a picture. They sulk on the covers of magazines in designer clothes, and we can look into their eyes and somehow they look back at us. They are Timothée Chalamet, they are Tom Holland. They are men of the moment. But how did we get to this coalescence of teenage lust? Who are the fallen heroes who came before them, the brothers in arms who paved the way for their reign? To answer this, we can look to the past. We owe our new it-boys to the heartthrobs of yesteryear, to the Logan Lermans and the Josh Hutchersons. Could any of these new white boys (Pete Davidson, for example) ever match the butterflies that Percy Jackson, sitting on the bottom of a pool, gave you when you were 11? I don’t think so. Could Noah Centineo’s cocky swagger ever live up to the noble suave of Orlando Bloom in “Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest?” The answer is no. Let us not forget those white boys who came before our White Boy of The Month. To our onscreen crushes of the 2000s and early 2010s, to the harbingers of our confusing adolescent sexualities, I have not forgotten you. So here’s to you, for bringing about this new era of skinny replacements which we find shameless joy lusting after. Thank you.

REVIEWS

Reviews 2

“One Direction: This is Us” By: Ava Kian

“One Direction: This Is Us” uncovers how One Direction was formed and follows the band for three years after the X-Factor. It captures a monumental time in history when five boys were grouped together to create the most sensational boy band music on earth. It shows their X-Factor audition tapes, from Louis’ rendition of “Hey There Delilah” to Liam’s iconic performance of “Cry Me to the River.” Viewers learn their story of friendship, beginning with Simon Cowell, who grouped them together to form a band. Following their first performance, One Direction attracted many fans. Their fame grew into international success, reflected by their tour through Japan, the United States, and Europe. The documentary shows the boys having new experiences on tour, but also gives an inside look into what it was like for the parents, who missed their kids. One scene shows Liam’s mom pur-

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chasing a cardboard cutout of Liam and putting it in his room in his absence. Later in the documentary, Liam reflects on the tour, describing it as “a big lad’s holiday… with a lot of work involved.” It ends with the boys around a bonfire, as they say that this is the best time of their lives and that they’ve formed friendships that will continue into the future. If you want to look back on the 2010s, hear what life was like for the boys, and watch some bomb performances in the process, I recommend giving “One Direction: This Is Us” a watch.

“Percy Jackson the Olympians”

and

By: Megan Bormann

When it was first announced that a film series of “Percy Jackson and The Olympians” was in production, fans were overjoyed. With Logan Lerman playing Percy, it sounded like a dream come true. But it was a nightmare. The first film, “The Lightning Thief,” wasn’t the worst of the two films released, but it had its low points.

First of all, the character of Annabeth Chase, played by Alexandria Daddario, was always described as being blonde with gray eyes. It’s mentioned in every one of the books. Yet Daddario shows up with brunette locks and blue eyes. A box of hair dye and contacts is all it would have taken. It’s a small detail, but an example of one of the many mistakes. It seemed like none of the screenwriters read the books thoroughly, and as an avid reader of the series, this was frustrating. Despite this, nothing can compare to the second film. Somehow, “The Sea of Monsters” made the first movie look like an Academy Award winner. The screenwriters tried to jam the four other books into one movie. It was a hodgepodge of plot points that writers stuck together in what ended up being pure nonsense. The only thing that they got right in this film was Annabeth’s blonde hair. However, that wasn’t enough to redeem the rest of the movie, which was a trainwreck. The movie was so awful that the studios neglected continuing the series, abandoning fans forever.

Avril Lavigne By: Megan Bormann

The signature low-rise jeans, fishnet gloves, and in-your-face middle finger made it easy to dismiss Avril Lavigne as an overly angsty teen in the 2000s. She embraced her caricature on her freshman album, “Let Go,” producing the guitar-heavy classic “Sk8er Boi,” which blurred the lines between pop and rock. Lavigne was the definition of a rebel, but she had a big heart. She knew what it felt like when

REVIEWS your middle school crush didn’t like you back and you were determined to show the world you were over it. In hindsight, Lavigne’s lasting cultural impact is anything but ordinary. She was a trailblazer—a young woman forging her own path in the male-dominated rock genre. She’s often referenced by artists from Snail Mail to Rico Nasty as being an inspiration. Not only did she inspire us to paint our nails black, but... It wasn’t just her music, it was her persona. Lavigne was a brooding tomboy at a time when the ultra-feminine Christina Aguilera was in the spotlight. Nothing’s wrong with bleached hair, but Lavigne gave us the chance to throw away society’s expectations of what a lady should be. Her lyrics were raw and full of frustration, the epitome of the growing pains that we all face at some point. Oddly enough, Avril’s camo pants would fit in with modern fashion, and that’s a sign that you should bust out her dusty CDs in the corner of your room and give them another listen.

Camp Rock

By: Nina Raemont There’s no better way to walk down middle school’s memory lane than by watching a young Demi Lovato decide which mediocre outfit to wear to the last day of school while romping around her room, spilling foods on herself, and sharing a summer love with teen hottie Shane Gray, played by Joe Jonas. The movie begins when Lovato’s character, Mitchie Torres, gets the opportunity to go to Camp Rock when her mom accepts the position of camp caterer. Through interactions with the ostentatious divas who run the camp, she realizes she won’t have the socioeconomic clout to make a name for herself if she is known as the caterer’s daughter. So she tells the divas that her mom is a music producer. As this conflict develops, so does a relationship between Shane and Mitchie. On the surface, the viewer sees this musical rom-com as an upbeat mov-

ie where Disney stars got their first big break. We bop to the music, accept the cliche moments, and giggle at the interactions between Shane and Mitchie. My middle school self adored the movie and my 20-year-old self does too. There’s something about revisiting things you loved as a kid that reminds you of who you once were. Camp Rock is an ode to that uncomfortable phase in our lives when we were desperately trying to find out who we were. Sometimes that involved lying to our friends and to ourselves, but after awhile, we came to a place of acceptance, where we could—I can’t emphasize this enough—rock.

Eigth Grade By: Erin Wilson

Complete with uncomfortable pool parties, the desire to fit in, and that unfortunate but distinct brand of early teen style, Bo Burnham’s film “Eighth Grade” presents a painfully accurate snapshot of the awkward and stressful middle school experience. The film follows Kayla (Elsie Fisher), a quiet eighth-grader in her last days of middle school as she tries to navigate the complicated emotions of growing up and trying to fit in. After her classmates vote her “Most Quiet,” Kayla tries to become more outgoing but struggles with social anxiety. She expresses herself through motivational videos that she posts online and spends notably long hours scrolling through social media. The film also highlights the relationship development between Kayla and her single father, who struggles to communicate with her. Fisher’s acting captures the agony of awkward social interactions, specifically in her confrontations with a boy she has a crush on and with a popular girl in school, Kendall. While attending a pool party that Kendall’s mom invited her to against Kendall’s wishes, Fisher’s expressions, body language, and dialogue perfectly relay the sensation of being somewhere you feel wildly out of place. She locks herself in the bathroom to calm down before walking reluctantly out to the pool while covering her stomach

with her arms to express the particular kind of body insecurity middle school girls often endure. Hilarious and yet surprisingly poignant, “Eighth Grade” expertly captures the difficulties of a time of life that can be difficult to vocalize.

Webkinz

By: Ian Knoll Webkinz developers Ganz deleted all accounts that had been inactive for more than a year on October 1, 2019. A moment of silence for all the 00s kids only now realizing their long-cherished virtual pets are gone forever. For many, the primary experience of Webkinz was minigames. Most aren’t bad, but they’re short and lack any real depth to justify playing for long. Your phone likely has games at least as entertaining. Of course, these games have the advantage of earning points you can spend on your pet’s home. This has always been the main joy of Webkinz. Finding an appealing aesthetic and searching the shops for the necessary furniture to turn your pet’s house into a home is an oddly satisfying experience. For the modern player, Webkinz works best as a quick distraction. Because there’s now a mobile app, it’s easier than ever to check in on your pets for a few minutes, buy that next piece of furniture, or see the new games and features added since you stopped playing (for the record, none particularly push the envelope.) What’s more, you can now adopt your first pet for free, meaning anyone can play, not just those with a collection of overpriced plushies. Webkinz isn’t a particularly deep or rewarding experience, but it has its simple, charming pleasures. Am I suggesting that twenty-something adults should make new accounts and get back into Webkinz? No. But if you’re going to, I’d argue there’s no better time.

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