The Wake, Issue 6, Fall 2017

BIZARRO FALL 2017

Peyton Garcia EMPIRE OF THE SUN

OU R

T EAM

Volume 17 Bizarro Issue Editorial Interns: Abbie Clapp, Alexander Cain, Claire Becker, Ella Cashman, Emma Dill, George Miller, Hannah Haakenson, Luci Bischoff, Megan Hoff, Morgan Benth, Olivia Hultgren, Simon Batistich, Tala Alfoqaha

Editor-in-Chief

EMMA KLINGLER

Managing Editor

JAKE STEINBERG

Cities Editor

ANNIE BURDICK

Voices Editor

KASSIDY TARALA

Music Editor

LIV MARTIN

Online Editor Copy Editors

ALEX WITTENBERG CHRIS SHEA KIKKI BOERSMA

Multimedia Editor

CARSON KASKEL

Multimedia Producer

Production Intern:

Executive Director

Darby Ottoson ( PR)

Production Manager

Art Interns: Emily Hill, Jade Mulcahy, Jaye Ahn, Lauren Smith, Mariah Crabb, Natalie Klemond, Peyton Garcia, Sophie Stephens, Stevie Lacher

OLIVIA HEUSINKVELD

HOLLY WILSON OLIVIA NOVOTNY

Creative Director

KATE DOYLE

Finance Manager

RAKSHIT KALRA

PR/Ad Manager

AARON CHRISTIANSON

Social Media Manager PR/Ad Associate Designers

GRACE STEWARD

SOPHIE STEPHENS

ANDREW TOMTEN KELLEN RENSTROM MEGAN SMITH

©2017 The Wake Student Magazine.

All Rights Reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota.

The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong.

Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions.

Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email eklingler@wakemag.org.

THE WAKE STUDENT MAGAZINE 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455

Web Manager

LAUREL TIEMAN

Distribution Manager

CASSIE VARRIGE

This Issue: WRITERS: Alex Cain, Annie Burdick, Balding White Dude, Chris Shea, Emily Ness, Emma Klingler, George Miller, Jacob Steinberg, Jonathan Ababiy, Julie Malyshev, Karl Witkowiak, Liv Martin, Megan Hoff, Noah Schminski, Olivia Heusinkveld, Tala Alfoqaha ART: 1 Stevie Lacher, 2 Peyton Garcia, 3 Jade Mulcahy, 4 Will Hanson, 5 Peyton Garcia, 6 Jaye Ahn, 7 Stevie Lacher, 8 Ruby Guthrie

Cover by Lauren Smith Back Cover by Tessa Portuese

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Editor’s Picks

EDITOR’S PICKS No Going Back: In-Sequence Playlists Proudly showcased by Jacob Steinberg You’re hosting a casual get together that begs for an atmospheric redress.

“I’ll just throw something on,” you say as you finagle the aux while scrolling through a company of playlists until you find the one titled “Jams with a hint of class but notes of lit.” You cue up an arresting assortment of songs, but you don’t mindlessly mash shuffle like some brute. On the contrary, you check to make sure you haven’t accidently left shuffle on. Such negligence would be an affront the curated majesty of this playlist. Your exquisite taste leads a crusade against their eardrums. You’ve just locked them into a rollercoaster and greased the brakes. They love every twist and turn. You relish a night of self-satisfaction having your ego stroked with each and every approving comment.

Changed My Life: Common Household Potted Plant Opulently promoted by Emma Klingler Nothing says, “I have it all” like managing to keep a low-maintenance house plant alive for a whole semester. I purchased my Dracaena Marginata from the local Home Depot nursery, and the investment has paid dividends on my quality of life. Not only does my little dragon tree purify my air, cleansing the toxins in my space for maximum good vibes, but when I am running on naught but two hours of slumber and strong-brewed Irish Breakfast tea, there is some satisfaction in watering my plant and knowing that some living things just get to be. Your very own house plant will nurture your soul as you nurture its soil.

Never Going Back: Pet Mice Aggressively recommended by Annie Burdick Feeling stressed or anxious? Have no friends? Lonely all the time? There is an elegantly simple solution to all of that. Get pet mice. They are the latest in upscale pet trends, and better yet, cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $5 per mouse. No longer are mice just the household pests you find in your kitchen. The domesticated versions will be your new best friends.

They’re low on maintenance but high on insane cuteness. They eat grapes from your hand. They run in a wheel. They crawl around on your lap. And they’re ideal for a college budget!

Must Have: Motivational Pencils Expressly recommended by Liv Martin Feeling like you just can’t summon up the strength to take notes on five chapters of your Biomedical Engineering textbook? Well, look no further.

You need motivational pencils! Simply glance at the text written across your pencil, which could read something like, “It’s always too early to quit!” or “Dreams don’t work unless you do!” Instantly, you’ll be filled will all of the motivation you will need in order to finish those notes. It’s as simple as that!

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G O I N G S

O N

A B O U T

T O W N

By Sammy R. Holden

Nightlife

CHAD’S DORM Chad’s been hyping up this party since you met him the first day of Welcome Week, when he was lost in the Frontier maze, looking for a party that already got busted. Head on over to T-Hall for the chance to hang out with a bunch of sports management majors that haven’t had homework in two weeks. There’ll probably be less people than Chad promised, but it’ll be a blast. Crack a cold one with the boys, but just remember to hide your drink under the cheap futon every time there’s a knock on the door.

Territorial Hall. 9-Till Whenever the CA Comes DELTA IOTA KAPPA (ΔΙΚ) Join the boys over on Frat Row for a night of depravity. The theme is most likely something racially insensitive, so put together an outfit that will be sure to impress Brad when he asks you if you’re on the list and you say no. This is a chance to let yourself go for a night. Make bad decisions, drink vodka that tastes like watered down nail polish, and dance your heart out to someone’s Spotify playlist. You probably can’t read Greek, so just find the house on Frat Row with a huge line.

10-Till You Feel Uncomfortable.

NIGEL’S HOUSE Intellectuals like to drink, too. Your friend Nigel, a columnist for the Daily, is throwing a party for all the Middlebrook kids. Discuss the philosophical nature of art in the basement of a house that hasn’t been renovated since the First World War. You may feel start to feel ashamed that you didn’t read Foucault in fifth grade, but don’t worry, everyone else just read his Wikipedia page. Enjoy Nigel’s drunken rant about Trump, which is pretty much his weekly column in the paper.

If you are attracted to people who wear tortoise-rimmed Warby Parker glasses and boots in August, this is your place.

PBRs will be served.

The decaying mansion where a bunch of people are standing outside smoking cigarettes. 8 to 3 a.m.

Food

Music and Activities

LATE NIGHT AT CENTENNIAL DINING Fold on your pledge to eat healthy! Use a meal swipe to munch on mac & cheese that feels like warm plastic in your mouth. Recommended as a good study break. Bring a friend and share stories to put off confronting the small mountain of homework that is waiting for you.

Centennial Hall. 9 to 12 a.m.

MCDONALD’S MUNCHIES Want to be complicit in making life hell for overworked, underpaid employees at the Dinkytown McDonald’s? You will see at least see one person you know and start to wonder if you are putting on a good image right now as you stare off into space, high as hell, questioning why there is an apple in ”pineapple.” The ridiculous line at the register will be worth it when your tongue makes connection with the salty, chemically programmed goodness of the fries. It is truly bliss.

Dinkytown McDonald’s.

THE WHOLE The white Carlson kid in your psych class moonlights as a rapper, Lil Headass. Listen and dance to the beat as he raps about his tough upbringing in Eden Prairie, where the hockey wins were sometimes few and Mom got him a 16GB iPhone instead of the 32GB. Every future star and media darling has got to start somewhere, right?

The Whole Music Club, Coffman 8 p.m.

STUDYING IN THE BIOMED LIBRARY The procrastination ends here. You’ve exhausted all other study locations and know you’ve got to get serious. This is the location to polish your paper into obscene hours of the night as your 8 a.m. class looms like a trebuchet over your head. This is also where the doubts start to surface. You begin to question whether you belong at the U and start Google-searching careers in exotic dancing and offshore oil drilling, before finally wrapping that paper up as the security guard tells you the library is closing.

Biomed Library. Closes 3 a.m.

NIGHT TWITTER This is the place to be when all other plans fall through. You’re lying in bed on your phone, alone, while your friends are living it up at Sally’s after getting in with West Dakota IDs. Looking at Instagram will just make you realize everyone is more attractive and has a better life. Night Twitter is different though. You can feel welcomed among the trash brethren and sistren. You can wallow in your self-pity here.

Your Phone, Whenever

THE WAKE

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Letter from

the Editor

Dear Reader, As students, we know what it is like to be without the means to live a life of luxury. However, after seeing the video of Avocado Rat zipping around the New York subway, we realized that the only thing stopping us from living a life of luxury is ourselves.

For our final issue of the semester, we’ve brought you an issue full of ways to make student life more beautiful, purposeful, and pompous. As you flip through, we hope you start to feel more enlightened, invigorated, and utterly stimulated by a whole new way of viewing your life and lifestyle.

In the words of Countess LuAnn from the Real Housewives of New York: “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” so being broke is no longer an excuse to putoff living artfully (read: pretentiously). After all, you are never too young to learn how to take yourself way too seriously while developing an impenetrable superiority complex.

Olivia Heusinkveld Multimedia Producer

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S O P H I S TI C A TE D + S L E E P F R I E N DL Y S O F AS

Finer Things

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Sophisticated + Sleep-Friendly Sofas BUYING A COUCH PERFECT FOR THOSE DRUNK NIGHTS

BY ALEX CAIN Admit it...you’ve been there. You had a long night out with friends who were bad influences on you (and your liver).

You finally get home and after stumbling to the bathroom, staring at your sad reflection in the mirror and wondering what happened to you, you only make it as far as your couch. A piece of furniture so cozy, so comfortable, in that weird, lumpy way, and yet so undeniably hideous. How is it that a piece of furniture can look sad? Well, your couch certainly found a way.

Where can you buy a couch that is both sophisticated and sleep-friendly? A couch needs to be a statement piece in the room but also inviting enough for a drunk soul to pass out on? Couches say a lot about their owners. Do you want your sad, old couch to reflect your sad, meaningless life? Of course not! Here’s what to keep in mind when shopping for that special couch.

Style. So many couch types to choose from: Chesterfields and Cambrioles to middle century moderns and sectionals.

What style best fits you? A key thing to remember is you will be spending long, unconscious nights on this thing.

Does comfort outweigh its design? Maybe you’d like to purchase the classic couch with a pull-out bed feature. A popular favorite among college students; your back will thank you in the morning.

Fabric. Depending on how your night went, your morning after may require cleaning. The fabric of a couch is very important based on its ability to be thoroughly cleaned.

Do you go with the classy and cold leather? Or the warm and soft suede? The fabric of a couch can make a huge difference in dealing with your regrettable decisions from the previous night.

Price. Speaking of regrettable decisions, how much are you willing to spend on a couch that could possibly be ruined in one go ? Don’t spend too little; a good couch is extremely underrated. But don’t splurge either. You’re still in college and massively in debt. Keeping the banks off your back takes precedence over the interior design of your small, bare apartment. Look to IKEA and Craigslist for good deals on the couch of your dreams (and hangovers).

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Finer Things

NAP P IN G SP OT S

Don’t Sleep on These Underappreciated Nap Spots THREE OF THE BEST PLACES TO NAP ON CAMPUS

BY GEORGE MILLER For us college students, sleep is absolutely essential. Even so, many of our sleep schedules are all out of whack at this point in the year.

That’s where naps come in. A good nap can be a powerful tool, as it goes a long way towards fueling you for your day. The challenge, though, is that many of us are always on the go, which makes napping difficult. This article will remedy that: provided are some underrated nap spots that deserve to be put to use when you’re away from home. Without further ado, here are the best places to snooze at the U of M.

CLASS There’s nothing like throwing it back to the days of kindergarten when schools set aside time to alleviate the inundation of stress that burdens their four-year-olds. Applying this same philosophy to college is a surefire way to kill two birds with one stone, not only absorbing the knowledge radiating from your professor’s soothing voice, but also catching up on the sleep youlost because you were so busy studying on Netflix.

COFFMAN Since most of us look glamorous when we sleep, why not take it to a public forum? The main floor of Coffman Memorial Union provides the perfect space to do just that, what with its numerous and super clean couches. The serene ambience of piano music is the perfect backdrop for a nap, and there’s totally no threat to your bags or valuables.

LIGHT RAIL If you’re ever feeling adventurous, you might consider taking a mobile nap; that is, hop on the Green Line, our local bastion of safety, and let yourself fall into a deep slumber. If you let fate decide, you might awaken to find yourself in an unknown land. If you’re a light sleeper, though, you might want to steer clear—gunshots have been known to ring out on the train.

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TH E C O O L E S T C O L L E G E C R I B S

Finer Things

The Coolest College Cribs: Minneapolis Edition

BY EMILY NESS College houses are places in which countless memories are made, and more often than not, the decor in them reflects this.

From tapestries and liquor bottles, to street signs and posters, if you were to walk through a college student’s living space, you’d find treasures of all sorts.

Junior Ian Matakis and seniors Zach Walker and CJ Wynings live at FloCo Fusion in Dinkytown. Here, they have the ultimate bachelor pad. With a balcony that overlooks the city and versatile, homemade furniture that can be used as either a bench or a bed, these men are living large.

they believe in exactly? Could it be their ability to pull an all-nighter and pass their exam the next day? Their ability to drink for twelve hours straight on game day without puking? Or possibly their ability to skip an entire week of class and still get “participation” points?

Juniors Margaret Plumart, Rachel Leyer, Emilee Oyamada, and Annika Heine live at The Marshall in Dinkytown. They have decorated their apartment with posters, tapestries, newspaper clippings and musical

Additionally, the girls have made use of various Christmas decorations including a sign that says ‘Believe.’ What is it that

“I put up all of my best assignments from each class,” she said. “It keeps me positive and it keeps me motivated.”

Finally, Madeline Strappon also lives at The Marshall. Her style differs from all of the above in the sense that it is sleek and sophisticated.

“I’d say that my style is inspired

by Pinterest, Tumblr, and ideas of my own,” she said.

In addition to these luxurious items, the boys also have a pong table, which is necessary in any college house.

This vintage-looking piece, for example, was created by Hunter, who bought an old chest at Goodwill. Adding a fresh coat of spray paint purchased at Target and legs purchased at Lowe’s, it quickly became a centerpiece that screams “I’m becoming my mother.”

Perhaps the most ingenious thing about Plumart’s room is the assemblage of assignments hanging on her wall.

Remember when your parents used to hang your best assignments on the fridge? I guess some of us never leave fourth grade.

The furniture depicted in this photo was created by Zach, who found a stack of wooden pallets behind his high school, sawed them apart, and reassembled them from the ground up. He then purchased cushions from Amazon and cushion covers from Jo-Ann fabrics. These are great for passing out on after a night of partying.

Sophomores Erin Ehlers and Hunter Thompson also live at FloCo Fusion in Dinkytown. Their style differs from the boys’ in the sense that it is cozy and casual.

3 Similar to the boys, however, Ehlers and Thompson also created a lot of the items in their home.

“I try to stick to a similar color palette,” she said, showcasing various decor including a tapestry, which is great for hiding damage from landlords, and a map of the world, which, for college students, reminds us of all of the places we cannot afford to travel.

If you cannot tell by the pictures, Strappon’s favorite color is pink.

Everything from her bedroom to her living room incorporates pink pictures, pink flowers, and pink throw pillows. Her boyfriend, Jack, sure loves this!

instruments — all of which omit a timeless and melodic vibe.

Remind you of “That 70’s Show?”

Their use of musical instruments as decorations was especially creative. From the guitar that Heine placed in the living room to the piano in her bedroom, each piece tells guests “we’re quirky musical hipsters that haven’t played an instrument in years.”

Strappon’s apartment wouldn’t be complete without the artful collection of liquor bottles lining the top of her fridge.

Alcoholics are always known for their artistic bottle arrangements.

Collectively, decor is a beautiful and powerful thing that can enhance not only the houses in which college students live, but the memories made—and most likely, drunkenly forgotten—in them as well.

Plumart was kind enough to give a special tour of her bedroom.

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Art

Art by Jaye Ahn 10

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PR ESENT S

BOUGIE DIGS PEER INSIDE COMO’S MOST OSTENTATIOUS PRE-WAR PROPERTY.

BY JACOB STEINBERG

To be a student may be financial trying, but that does not mean one doesn’t deserve their own private Elysium. We at Wakeful Living believe a home is the ultimate manifestation of opulence. Your home should be projection of you—your goals and values a should inhabit every crevice, corner, and granite countertop.

Join us for this rare and intimate look inside the pearl to Como’s oyster. This decadent 1908 cottage is as lavish as they come. Class and stature ooze out of the foundation and enchant the whole house—and everyone that lives there. If you’ve ever wanted to know how the other half lives, come enlighten yourself.

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Feature

BOUGIE DIGS

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The Den The den is where you’ll spend your well-earned leisure time. It should make a statement about who you are.

With a mix of classic and modern, the decor gives the room a timeless essence.

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Bricks Bricks are classy. Your favorite coffee shop has brick walls. Your favorite buildings have antiquated brick facades. The Colosseum was built with bricks. Brick is the ultimate manifestation of grandeur.

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The Cellar A home is only as good as its foundation.

The cellar offers a modicum of luxury with its tasteful modern art meets utility aesthetic.

B O U G I E D I GS

Feature

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Wood Floors With its glistening golden sheen, the pre-war flooring is a treat to tread upon.

Each footstep is greeted with a chorus of Depression-era charm.

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Tech You are a professional; a dominatrix of your craft. Your home is a temple, but what is a temple if you can’t get anything done? Not here. This home offers internet that is both fast and easily accessible.

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The Master Bath The master bath is a feast for the senses.

It has an arresting quality that forbids the eye from looking away. It dares you to assume your seat upon its decadent porcelain throne.

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ART

Art by Mariah Crabb @MARIAH.CRABB.PHOTOGRAPHY

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ART

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Q&A

T HE COUCH

Interview W I T H The Couch

BY MEGAN HOFF

I interviewed (and sat on) one of furniture’s greatest specimens: the couch. I found this magnificent, faux suede

sofa on the curb and decided that its views on life should be heard. Who knew that such a simple part of our lives could be so complex? This piece captures what it means to be sentient and sedentary, and the grotesque beauty of what lies underneath those cushions.

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THE CO UCH

When were you created, or how long have you been around?

I dunno. The first time I was brought home, everyone was wearing those weird skinny scarves and listening to Avril Lavigne, so 2004? I’m not sure how long I was in the store for. Time moves weirdly under all that fluorescent lighting.

How many homes have you lived in?

They say cats have nine lives, but really, it’s us couches that do. First, I lived with this one couple and their two kids for a couple of years. That was pretty nice. They were clean and the mother always vacuumed underneath me once a week. Then the husband got promoted and they decided that they wanted one of those fancy-schmancy “section sofas” or whatever. They had a cousin who needed a couch, so I lived with him. He was pretty quiet... didn’t get out much. We spent a lot of time watching Netflix together, which is nice because I’m always looking at the TV, even when it’s turned off. Then, he got a girlfriend, and everything changed. She moved in pretty quickly and went on a redecorating spree, and she said I had to go. So, they brought me to Savers, where I got picked up by some college kids for $50. The college lifestyle was definitely not as tranquil as my two previous ones. More butts, more parties, more passed out college students. Thankfully, it was only for a year. Then, they all graduated and didn’t want the hassle of moving me, because I am “cheap and totally replaceable.” They talked about going to IKEA for a futon all the time in front of me. It hurt, but I tried my best to just sit still and make them as comfortable as possible.

Living with college kids, huh? What was that like?

Pretty much what you’d expect living with four college dudes. I had dust bunnies up the wazoo by the time I was kicked to the curb, and had various beers and forgotten jello shots spilled underneath of me.

There was a lot of shouting, especially when any hockey game was on or they played Call of Duty. Also, parties were pretty interesting. I’ve never had so many butts sit on me in a short amount of time. And then there were the post-party pass-outs. I’m eternally grateful that I’ve never been thrown up on. I got to be there for budding relationships, too. Their go-to move was to bring a girl over, watch something on Netflix, and, well, you know the rest.

How many butts have you seen over your lifetime?

Oh, man. You wouldn’t believe the array of glutes that have sat on me.

I’ve seen it all: jeans, leggings, boxers. Heck, I’ve even had bare buns.

Big, small, flat, round, bony. After a while, they all start to blur together.

You’ve had a bear in the house before?

No, no, bare buns. Like, naked.

You mean that people have sat on you naked before?

Oh yeah. What do you think your roommate and her boyfriend do on your couch when you’re not there? … So what’s your favorite part of being a couch?

I like that I’m a place where people can sit down and relax. I know how busy humans can get and it’s nice to be something that can help them step away from the stress. I also like all the happy moments I’m included in. I’ve seen presents opened on Christmas morning,

Q&A

first kisses, Harry Potter movie marathons, and countless games of Charades. I also love watching TV, so I’m really lucky that couches get to hang out in the living room. I can’t imagine being a toilet… stuck in a tiny bathroom for all of my life. Then again, there are people who have ridiculously large bathrooms with sofas in them. Those poor suckers.

That would be so boring (and scarring).

You spend a lot of time in front of TVs. What’s your favorite TV show?

Favorite movie?

Really anything on HGTV, but if I had to pick, I’d say House Hunters. I love interior design. I don’t get out much, so it’s always fun to see what other houses look like. My favorite movie is that Austin Powers movie with the lip sofa. Man, that couch is hot. It’s hard to pick favorites though, since I’ve seen so many.

Have you ever fallen in love?

No, I don’t think so. Even if I had, it would just be too complicated.

So you’ve never had feelings for a human or a different household object?

Both. With a piece of furniture or appliance, we could never be close enough. I guess I had a thing with a refrigerator once. I had a sweet view of the kitchen, and everyone knows how beautiful fridges can be (especially when they’re full of food). We talked a lot, but long distance was just too hard. [Sighs]. Shouting across the room got old really fast, especially knowing that we could never get closer physically. With a human, well, I only support them. The only time they support me is when they decide to move to another house, and then they have to carry me, usually complaining about how heavy I am the whole time. I really need to start watching my weight.

Do you get along well with other furniture?

Eh, for the most part. Except for the ottoman. That guy’s a dick. Even his name is pretentious.

When’s the last time you had a bath?

Well, I’ve never been in a bathroom, but I have had showers. Lots of things have been spilled on me, which doesn’t make me any cleaner.

Water, milk, beer, nacho cheese, you name it. Dry things have been spilled on me, too. I’ve got cereal in my cushions from three winters ago. I can’t floss myself, and humans are terrible at deep cleaning. The only time they look through my cushions is when they can’t find the remote. Once they’ve got what they want, they try to make a note of cleaning down there sometime, but they always forget. “Out of sight, out of mind” is so real.

Do you like a lot of pillows?

I like two—one on each end. Anything more and it starts to get crowded and I get stuffy. I do find it amazing how much people will spend on those fluffy things. The mom I lived with once spent $50 on a throw pillow… I wish I had that kind of money. All I have is the spare change that falls between my cushions.

Do you have any advice for aspiring pieces of furniture?

Patience isn’t just a virtue, it’s a way of life. We furniture have to put up with a lot of shit, and there’s nothing we can do about it. So be patient, and don’t flinch when they vacuum underneath of you.

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Cultured

LIVE A RTFU L L Y, L I KE BOB D YL A N A T T H E U O F M

Live artfully,

FLOCO FUSION APARTMENTS

During his Sophomore year, Dylan stowed his temporal body in the lovable and stylish FloCo apartments. He would float across the courtyard on game days with his cigarette and harmonica in tow, often muttering “Ski-U-Mah” contemptuously under his breath. Like any good musician and intellectual, Dylan absolutely detested sports, but he fancied the outdoors and the inspiration he could draw from local youth.

Few people know this, but his famed piece “Mr. Tambourine Man” was actually written about a mysterious, intoxicated stranger in Gopheralls who used to wander about the FloCo halls by night playing a melancholy tune on a red solo cup with peanuts inside it which he called his “tambourine.” Dylan loved this man.

BLARNEY PUB

Of course, Bob Dylan would never have set foot in a bar—like any respectable artist, he preferred to drink whiskey from the sound hole of his guitar. Instead of going inside the bar like an un-artistic normal, he sat outside on the sidewalk in a careful, calculated protest of capitalism.

HANSON HALL STARBUCKS

Many people don’t know this, but Bob Dylan was in Carlson. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but he was truly a jack of all trades—you can’t simply pin Dylan down. He’s a Rolling Stone, you know! After taking many arduous classes in marketing, finance, and supply chain, Dylan liked to run down to the Starbucks in Hanson for a quick pick-me-up.

None of that fru-fru garbage for him, though, Dylan preferred to eat the raw grounds straight from the coffee filter as he pondered aloud questions of mortality and the human condition. Amazing man, truly.

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like Bob Dylan at the U of M I LOVE BOB DYLAN MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF ALSO HE ENDED RACISM, THANK GOD—HERE’S WHERE TO GO ON THE U CAMPUS TO ABSORB SOME OF HIS DIVINE POWER

BY BA L DING WH ITE DU DE I, like most other balding white guys who grew up in the ‘60s, absolutely fucking worship Bob Dylan. Dylan is truly a god in human form—from “The Times They Are A-Changin’” to “Blood on the Tracks,” the man has consistently delivered flawless compositions of exceptionally sublime literary power. And not only do his poetic tracks delight the ears and soothe the soul, Dylan actually uses his music to enact social change.

Literary historians typically dub Dylan the first and only person to ever do this. Absolutely astounding. Dylan’s eminent work, “Blowin’ in the Wind,” singlehandedly ended racism, won the Vietnam war, and got rid of Mondays for good! So incredible. What a man. There’s simply no way any of us mere mortals could ever live up to the largesse of the truly holy Bob Dylan, but we can come close.

The University of Minnesota was undoubtedly the incubation site for 100% of Dylan’s genius. For a long while Dylan lived, learned, and was inspired by the breathktaking sights and sounds of the U we all know and love. The below are just a few choice haunts of his—if you fancy a jaunt to a chic local venue, head on over for a taste of Dylan’s artful living experience.

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BLACK COFFEE AND WAFFLE BAR

I don’t know how many of you have seen the cover of “Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan”—I suppose you haven’t heard of it, it’s pretty obscure. But the photo on it was actually taken out front of the iconic—and definitely not hackneyed at all—coffee bar. While Bob Dylan hated consumerism, he simply couldn’t resist a $14 waffle covered in lavish fruits and granolas.

They didn’t have Instagram in the ‘60s, so Dylan just compiled all his photographs from the coffee bar into hundreds and hundreds of photo albums which are currently on display at the Minneapolis Institute of Art. A stop by that exhibit is guaranteed to art-ify your life.

TERRITORIAL HALL

Leaving home for the first time was truly a shock for Dylan, but he found comfort in his first home away from home: T-Hall. Dylan took solace in the Jello shot-lined common areas, the retired Ronnie D bottle- covered stairwells, and the drunk freshman-infested halls. My favorite song of Dylan’s, “Like A Rolling Stone,” which was written in T-Hall about the pains of growing up. I really identify with this song because, although my parents paid for my entire education, rent, gas, and groceries, and I was offered an $80,000 a year job straight out of college, youth just wasn’t easy for me.

4TH STREET CIRCULATOR

Lastly, Bob Dylan wrote his famous song “Positively 4th Street” while he was lounging on the 4th street circulator so as to commute with ease from the West Bank where he attended Carlson to the East Bank where he resided in the Marshall during his junior and senior years.

While staring blankly out the window (through his classic blacked-out Ray Bans) at the hardship of students who chose to walk instead of take the bus, Dylan underwent a spiritual awakening to the plights of others.

Thus, the social hero and literary Ggod we all know today was born.

I cried several times while writing this. Thank you for reading.

A S O C I A L I TE ’ S G U I DE TO S N A P C H A TTI N G DO R M FO O D

Cultured

A SOCIALITE’S GUIDE TO

Snapchatting Dorm Food HOW TO EMBODY LUXURY IN YOUR MANDATORY MEAL PLAN

BY TALA ALFOQAHA You’re classy. You’re educated. You have 11 or more meal swipes. And when your snapchat score has as many zeros as your salary (placement unimportant), it’s easy to indulge your band of sycophants with a glimpse into the opulent college lifestyle you lead. Here at The Wake, we believe that 10 seconds or less of daily, unsolicited dorm food snapchats is more than enough to convey (or at least convince others of) your superiority in every political, social, and economic sphere. Follow these ground rules and watch your sad, empty wasteland of opened yet unanswered snapchats transform into a sea of blue chat boxes.

A general rule of thumb for snapchatting dorm food—or any food—is selectivity in what you choose to photograph. Yes, you incomprehensibly filled four plates with food even though you have never finished more than one, yet in order to embody the stylish, healthy lifestyle that we know you (will someday) live, include only the most nutritious plate in the photo. We recommend crafting a plate specifically for the purpose of being photographed, as handheld foods of any sort are strictly off limits unless you

include a video of yourself eating aforementioned food with a fork and a knife. That includes fried chicken and grapes. Also, be sure to exclude your Nike Slides from the frame, as unfortunately not everyone understands the understated elegance of the shower shoe.

It’s important to use the limitations of photography to your advantage. Viewers can’t tell that the chicken is unseasoned through a picture, so consider sprinkling excess amounts of spice for the illusion of actual taste. Remember to always use the coffee mugs. Even for water. The minimalistic neutral tones of the imitation glass exude elegance, while the garish blue cups will distract from the focal point of the photo.

Unfortunately, your surroundings don’t always match your class, so strategically placed emojis are essential to block stains or other imperfections on the table. Avoid

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using any of the less tasteful emojis (kissy face? God forbid.) and instead opt for the timeless array of money stacks that apple has to offer. If it’s a Sunday, caption the photo “#blessed” with a prayer emoji to subtly hint at the fact that your high social class brings you closer to heaven. And always draw from your extensive knowledge of art history to craft a plate that displays just how cultured you are: Use brightly colored foods with different textures to emulate Matisse’s expressionism, intentionally blur the photo for impressionist overtones, and place your shoe on the plate for Dadaism.

Of course, this advice is useless without a charged phone, so add your battery to the list of lives that should be kept out of the 1 percent. And let the jealousy of your extravagant lifestyle commence.

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Cultured

6

HOW TO BE F A SHI ON A BL Y G R UN G Y

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How to be Fashionably Grungy: Wear basically the same outfit every day!

HOW TO GET A WEEK’S WORTH OF OUTFITS OUT OF ONE.

B Y JUL I E MALYSHEV It’s 9 a.m., and you are battling for sleep as the alarm clock resounds in your head. Maybe after pondering the options for the turnout of the day, you ask yourself, “what are my vibes today?” You mentally scan your closet through the clothes that you for some reason never wear despite their being a part of your wardrobe for years, and you soon realize that you wear the same thing every day. That sad sweatshirt you keep hanging on your chair that you always come back to, those jeans that are strangely comfortable and make your butt look nice, and those shoes that require the least amount of effort to put on.

One thing to do that always makes me feel better when I have the realization of my painful normalness early in the morning is to cuff up my pants and show off those cool socks I got through Ssecret Santa gifts. Because if you wear

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the same thing every day, people will totally notice if you wear some rockin’ socks that distract them from the sight of manifested laziness.

If all else fails, those sweet pins you bought from a random gift store in Florida could make a bland outfit burst with energy. The twinkling tiny objects on that over-washed fabric will have curious bystanders asking all about your travels.

When it all comes down to it, making the same outfit look different will have its challenges, but if you keep trying and practice these techniques, people will one day respect you for putting the least amount of effort into appearing a little more interesting each day.

TH E I N TE RV I E W: DR I N K STU D E N T ATHLET E

Cultured

THE INTERVIEW: Drunk Student Athlete

BY NOAH SCHMINSKI There is one question that has been on the minds of philosophers since the days of Aristotle and Socrates. No, it’s not “what happens when you die?” or “what is true happiness?” It is the question of how we define success. Since these narcissistic philosophers can’t seem to get off their high horses to answer the damn question, it’s time to give someone else a shot. Did you think I was going to answer the question myself? Hell no. If I had the answer to that question I wouldn't be writing for a magazine who’s referred to around campus as “The Daily's bitch.”

However, I do know what type of people have the answers we’ve been searching for. Drunk student-athletes at frat parties. Stay with me here. Can you name one football team made up completely of philosophers who were able to go 5-7 when their coach is only making a measly $3.5 million a year? No? That’s what I thought.

How do you define success?

I shop at Target, am I going to get cancer?

Being “rach.” Like so rich you can never be sad, only happy never sad or mad or sad. Just money, that’s happy. Also, fun friends who think I’m fun and not because of my money. We must also be in a big apartment with big windows.

Yes. Sorry…Would you like a drink? You should just tell your parents to give you more money so you can shop at Whole Foods.

What is one word you’d use to define the success of your career so far?

Titty Bitty. I only have one of my nipples pierced because I thought it would be cool, but now I’m beginning to regret it because I’m always off balance.

Not because of the alcohol?

No just because of my tits.

Why do think some people are not successful?

As I entered the French Provincial frat house the first thing I noticed was the exquisite ambiance. The house is filled with spacious rooms that denote glamour and comfort through well-chosen materials, such as several “Don’t tread on me” flags and vintage Jose Cuervo bottles littered throughout the rooms.

In the corner of the retro-yet-modern cement floor basement sat a girl in a preVictorian steel folding chair. She would go on to describe herself as being a tall athlete who is smart (but not nerdy smart), likes cats, has brown hair even though people say it’s blonde, and “sports.” She gracefully agreed to an exclusive, anonymous interview.

What’s the “sure thing” stock to buy today that will explode in 2018?

Netflix. I’ve seen Stranger Things like twice so that’s going to make them a lot more money.

It’s pretty common for successful people to have the side hobby of flipping real estate. Can you tell me what areas will see the biggest increase in real estate prices for 2018?

Definitely Lake Calhoun because that’s where Prince lived. I hate Edina though. It’s where all the cake eaters live, which I am definitely not!

The cake eaters in the first Mighty Ducks movie lived there and I loved that movie!

No medication. Fish oil is so fucking healthy for you. Also, no talents.

What words of advice would you give to someone struggling with achieving their dreams?

Just do you. Shit I can’t say that, Nike owns those words. Maybe get up early and put in the work bitch. Do you know who is the breakfast of champions?

Yogurt NOT cereal and that’s it.

This year we saw a lot of trends come and go in fashion and art. What can we expect to be the next big trend this season?

The oboe. I played it in high school band and no one really cared. I feel bad for it. No one wants to play it and that makes it sad. It’s gonna come back though. This is the year of the oboe.

How should we be spending our money?

Shop exclusively in all capital letters at Whole Foods. All-natural foods will not give you cancer. Everywhere else will give you cancer.

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Classifieds

CLASSIFIEDS

BY EMMA KLINGLER, CHRIS SHEA, AND KARL WITKOWIAK

FOR SALE

FOR SALE

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FOR SALE

Bungee Chair - New Condition

My Roommate Ross

2/3 bottle of Paul Mitchell shampoo

I’ve been looking to sell this chair for a while now. My parents insisted that I needed it for college, but I never used it once. It’s in good condition for anyone looking to buy it off of me and help clear up some space.

My roommate is really putting me down. He’s constantly grouchy and complains that I don’t do the dishes nearly enough. (I clean the dishes every other day, BTW. Thanks for the “help” Ross). Anyways, I’m looking to sell him. If you want a roommate who makes a crap ton of noise in the morning and yells at you if you so much as close the door a little too loudly, I have the thing for you.

Only slightly diluted because I dropped it in the tub once. Need payment ASAP

FOR SALE Spider I found a spider in my room. I don’t want to kill it, but I don’t want to let it out into the vast and terrifying expanse of the real world… so I’m selling it as a pet.

Please call me at 1-800-888-LEGS if you want to pick him up. Please be delicate.

SERVICE

SEEKING My Sense of Deja Vu I’ve been looking to sell this chair for a while now. My parents insisted that I needed it for college, but I never used it once. It’s in good condition for anyone looking to buy it off of me and help clear up some space.

Professional Leg Mover I have way too many things on my mind right now to worry about walking. If you are looking for part-time work, please consider the job of moving my legs so I can walk from place to place while preoccupied with other things, like worrying about how much I need to do.

Call me at 262-555-MOVE. One to two positions available.

FOR SALE Apartment Walls These walls are paper thin. You hear every little sound. I would be alright with this if it wasn’t for my next-door neighbor rapping badly everyday for a mixtape that he ensures me is going to be the “next big thing.” Sure, Michael.

SEEKING FOR SALE Nickelback Poster Why do I have this poster? Where did I get it? Why Nickelback? The guys that made that photograph song? No thanks. Someone take this one off my hands.

Please email me at kroeg2000@umn.edu if you’re interested.

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Human Alarm Clock Responsibilities: • Call me at 6:30 a.m.

• Call me at 6:45 a.m.

• Call me at 6:52 a.m.

• Call me at 6:56 a.m.

• Call me at 6:58 a.m.

• Call me at 7:45 a.m., just in case Contact me at 1-612-IM-STRUG if interested

$40 - Venmo @Sarrrrruhhh

SERVICE Motivational Coaching I will send you text messages every morning of the encouraging variety in exchange for your HBO account information. Ongoing, monthly contract can be arranged. Inclusion of cute emojis can be traded for texts only every other day.

Email smith9876@umn.edu with your interest and include your favorite HBO show so I know you are real.

FOR SALE “Songs of Innocence” by U2 (their free album) Someone please take this off my hands. I have had this since Apple forced it onto my iTunes in 2014. It’s not a bad album, I just never asked for it.

It was only listened to twice.

CALL ME AT (651) IAM-BONO

FOR SALE 1992 Honda Civic Hatchback 250K miles, 2 Door, White w/tan leather interior, Duct taped rear bumper, two “Ralph Nader for President” bumper stickers, single airbag (the other one was stolen in ‘07), fuzzy dice that lost all fuzz, cassette player (with “Best of Vanilla Ice” included), PWR Steering, Alarm System $5,700 OBO FOR MORE INFO CALL 612-673-2202

Classifieds

SEEKING Family member on “Family Feud.�

I currently work for FiveThirtyEight, so I know all of the data that can help your family win the $20,000. The best part? You don’t even have to split the winnings with me! To be honest, I’m doing this so I can meet Steve Harvey. His reactions to everything are so funny! I myself have no family, so I am typically not eligible to compete. Please, help my dream come true so I can help yours come true.

Email me at nrsilver@ďŹ vethirtyeight.com if you want to win that 20 grand!

SERVICE I can sing like a guy from the 1990s If anyone is looking for a lead singer for their Pearl Jam cover band, then I am the person for you! I learned from Scott Stapp (the lead singer of Creed) himself. Okay, it was from a YouTube video featuring him, but still. I can successfully imitate the unintelligible sounds of Chad Kroeger, Darius Rucker, and even Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty.

Fax 612-90S-SING if interested

BMM EBZ

SEEKING Dog to hang out with Do you have a dog? Do you want to let me hang out with your dog for an average of 10-15 hours per week depending on my stress level? I can’t offer monetary compensation (lack of money is one of the factors to increasing stress level), but can offer the following as reimbursement. I will love your dog unconditionally. I will give them treats, walks, and hugs. I will drive them around with the windows open as long as they want. I will give you $20 in FlexDine each week.

Text 123-456-7890 if interested

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REMEMBER TO

Live Artfully

OVER BREAK

LOVE, THE WAKE 24

wakemag.org • Bizarro 2017