The Wake Issue 12 Spring 2018 by The Wake Magazine

lonski art by Emily Jablonski art by Emily Jablonski art by Emily Jablonski art by Emily Jablonski art by Emily

EDITORIAL: Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Cities Editor Voices Editor Music Editor Online editor Copy editors Multimedia Editor Multimedia Producer

Emma Klingler Jake Steinberg Megan Hoff Tala Alfoqaha Liv Martin Alex Wittenberg Chris Shea Kikki Boersma Gracie Stockton Julie Malyshev

Editorial Interns: Claire Redell, Emily Ness, Farrah Mina, Hannah Haakenson, Luci Bischoff, Maya Ulrich, Sylvia Rani

PRODUCTION: Executive Director Production Manager Creative Director Finance Manager PR/Ad Manager Social Media Manager Art Director Designers

Web Manager Distribution Manager

Holly Wilson Olivia Novotny Kate Doyle Rakshit Kalra Sophie Stephens Grace Steward Katie Heywood Andrew Tomten Kellen Renstrom Megan Smith Nikki Pederson Cassie Varrige

BMM EBZ

Production Interns: Darby Ottoson (PR), Jamie RohlďŹ ng, Macie Rasmussen, Art Interns: Emily Hill, Jade Mulcahy, Jaye Ahn, Lauren Smith, Mariah Crabb, Natalie Klemond, Peyton Garcia, Sophie Stephens, Stevie Lacher

THIS ISSUE: Writers Alex Wittenberg, Anna Gall, Brianna Sanders, Claire Redell, Emily Ness, Emma Klingler, Farrah Mina, Hannah Haakenson, Imani Cruzen, Karl Witkowiak, Kellen Renstrom, Macie Rasmussen, Maya Ulrich, Megan Hoff, Olivia Novotny, Sowmya Narayan, Sylvia Rani Art 1 Stevie Lacher, 2 Tessa Portuese, 3 Jade Mulcahy, 4, 5 Claudia DubĂŠ, 6 Peyton Garcia, 7 Morgan Wittmers-Graves, 8 Ruby Guthrie, 9 Jaye Ahn, 10 Will Hanson, 11 Ruby Guthrie, 12 Morgan Wittmers-Graves, 13 Morgan Wittmers-Graves, 14 Will Hanson, 15 Stevie Lacher, 16 Jade Mulcahy, 17 Kellen Renstrom Cover by Katie Heywood

ÂŠ2017 The Wake Student Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota. The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong. Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email eklingler@wakemag.org .

THE W4K3 MAGAZ!NE The best magazine on campus!! XD minneapolis, minnesota, United States 16 years old

Song Title

Artist

Pon de Replay

Rihanna

Sugar We’re Going Down

Fall Out Boy

Axel F

Crazy Frog

1, 2 Step (ft. Missy Elliot)

Ciara

Latest Blog Posts [Subscribe to this blog Waiting for my crush to get online.... [view more] Ode to load [view more] Zack & Cody’s Pizza Party Pickup [view more] Napster of Puppets [view more] Numa Numa guy—where is he now?? [view more] Club Penguin CEO speaking at CLA commencement [view more] Ascending the Club Penguin social ladder [view more] Blockbuster is booming!!!!! [view more] The housing market, only going up baby!! [view more] The name is Clippit [view more]

General Info

Goodnight, ooVoo [view more]

Member Since

September 2001

FW: WARNING!!! READ IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE!!!! [view more]

Website

http://www.wakemag.org

Reviews of Youtube classics [view more]

Time 3:38 3:50 2:53 3:25

Signing off To: readers@wakemag.org Dear Readers, Your 2017-2018 subscription to The Wake Magazine ends today. I hope you have enjoyed our content, and perhaps were inspired to interact with the creative campus and city around you. As the soon-to-be former editor-in-chief, I’m feeling particularly nostalgic as I write the introduction for this issue full of retro internet favorites. In the mindset of looking back, I am reminded of some of my favorite old Wake moments. My ﬁrst Wake article (a review of Mesa Pizza), the goth photo shoot for our 2015 Bizarro (check out my “whatever” hat—I totally didn’t care, man), my ﬁrst feature contribution which involved eating a lot of French fries, collecting inspiring student narratives for our post-election issue, and most recently, joining up with the awesome folks at Fund Aurora and Women for Political Change to host a badass birthday concert for a good cause. These memories mean so much to me and make me excited for next year’s crew to see what memories they can make. Because though our 2017-2018 cycle has come to a close, we are looking forward as well as back. If you would like to renew your subscription with us for 2018-2019, good. You should. After a summer of programming updates and R&D, we will be launching v.18 (Volume 18, that is) of The Wake, back and better than ever. We hope you will join us then as a contributor, intern, or valued reader. If you want to learn more, contact next year’s editor-in-chief, the extraordinary Tala Alfoqaha (talfoqaha@wakemag.org). But for now, I am signing off. This has been the best and coolest of opportunities, and I look forward to logging in as a reader in the fall. Best Regards, -Emma Klingler Editor-in-chief

Say My Na...

Destiny’s Child

Survivor

Destiny’s Child

What to do While Waiting for Your

on AOL Instant Messenger to Come Online (These tips aren’t still relevant) BY MAYA ULRICH

1.) Obsess over what you are actually going to say to them (and what font you are going to use, because of course). These little details may seem frivolous, but they could really make or break whether your crush will have interest in you. Are you going to play it cool and send a simple “hey,” go for a witty approach to make them laugh, or curate to their interests by quoting one of their favorite movies? It is imperative that you polish these details ahead of time, so you aren’t left looking like a fool when that little “Ping!” sound alerts you that they are online. 2.) Practice your sick MS paint skills to trick them into thinking you have actual talent. Bonus points if you draw the two of you together. This will be received as an endearing gesture (and not at all creepy).

4.) Play Pinball to distract from the intense hormonal turmoil that is coursing through your tween-age body. Also, this is another great way to trick your crush into thinking you are cool and have skillz. 5.) Revise what you are going to say to your crush for the 1000th time. It has to be perfect. 6.) Argue with your siblings because you are using too much screen time on the computer. Let them know that your priorities are *much* more important than theirs. But tread carefully, they might bring your parents into this already dire situation. 7.) Cry. 8.) Repeat if needed.

3.) Sing the latest Destiny’s Child bop to your computer screen to remind yourself that you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. As soon as you ﬁnish the chorus write down the deep emotional connections that only the two of you could possibly have.

BY MEGAN HOFF Dial up to connect (it’s not so quick). The sound of beeping make me sick. Eagerly I lie in wait as the Internet begins to wake. Browser favorites know their queue; myscene.com I am coming for you. Tap the mouse, home page appears. Pick out my game and— oh no, oh dear. The dreaded hourglass has appeared. Digital sand ticks away the time. I sit and wait; try not to lose my mind. Holding one’s breath is useless here. I stare at the screen until I am shedding tears. Just one game! Come on, please go! The hourglass glares back with a conﬁdent “No.” I say, “Ok computer. I know your tricks.” Crack my knuckles and lick my lips. Click that cursed cursor once more in vain. Please, myscene.com, take away my pain. Hourglass, so stoic. This game is getting old. But, alas, I know you will never, never let it load.

Zack an

d Cody’

P a a r z t z y i Pickup P

nline glor o e th e r e w ese

y days

BY MACIE RASMUSSEN

The year is 2007. I’m sitting in the leather swivel chair of my family’s “computer room.” Our Dell computer loads slowly as I navigate to the browser’s favorites page; Internet Explorer knows exactly what I’m here for. The house rule is that I can only spend two hours a day on the computer, and you can bet that I spend every second playing games on disneychannel.com. The quintessential game on Disney’s website is, without a doubt, Zach and Cody’s Pizza Party Pickup. The Rock Star Fashion Challenge (Hannah Montana), Cory’s Money Maze (That’s So Raven), and Bueno Rufus (Kim Possible) are all great, but they pale in comparison to my favorite game. Playing as Zack, Cody, Maddie, or London, the computer game requires the player to maneuver through a maze to gather coins, party snacks, and, of course, pizza. It sounds easy enough, but other characters from the TV show pass back and forth in the maze, waiting for Zack or Cody to fall into their trap. Some characters are more nerve-wracking than others. Nothing gives my ten-year-old body an adrenaline rush like Mr. Moseby coming out of nowhere and chasing me in the maze. I’m not the only one who feels this terror. Lucy Pabst, a fellow Pizza Party Pickup junkie, echoes my concerns: “When Mr. Moseby comes, I get so, so, SO stressed.” I’ve never related to a sentiment more. It’s a game of love and loss. Despite the high intensity that has me sweating through my Limited Too t-shirt, there is nothing like the power trip that I get when I collect all of the pizza, completing the level. And just like that, my two hours of computer time are up, so I guess I’ll move to the living room to watch the Disney Channel on TV.

ernet t n I e h t d n u rd Ro The Case Hea BY KARL WITKOWIAK

ART BY KATIE HEYWOOD

We’re lucky to be living in this time of music accessibility. Listening to music now is easier than ever before with streaming sites like Spotify, Pandora, and Soundcloud putting thousands of artists and millions of songs at the tip of our fingers for free. Back in the late 90’s, however, we didn’t have much in the way of downloading and streaming music. That is, until Napster came onto the scene in 1999, and brought with it a new millennium of turmoil for the music industry. Napster was one of the first music sharing services to gain traction in the early days of high-speed Internet. It allowed users to share MP3 files across the internet, also known as peer-to-peer sharing. On the one hand, it was a fantastic way for people, particularly college students, to find and download music across a variety of genres. On the other hand, the main conceit of the service was a copyright nightmare. It was fundamentally a means to share pirated music and flouted intellectual property laws.

to get recognition without access to radio or television play. However, Napster had a clear misuse and misunderstanding of intellectual property, and the avalanche of lawsuits eventually led the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals to shut Napster down in July 2001.

Thrash metal band Metallica, most notably drummer Lars Ulrich, noticed that their newest single at the time (“I Disappear” for the Mission Impossible 2 soundtrack) was circulating on Napster months before its intended release. Metallica decided to sue Napster in March 2000, less than a year after its public release, igniting a flashpoint in the conflict between the music industry and the internet that still reverberates today.

Metallica was ultimately successful in protecting their IP and shutting down Napster. But, by leading the crusade against free music, Metallica came to embody “the man” in the eyes of their devoted metalhead following.

Metallica was the first big musical act to legally challenge Napster—and, by extension, the nascent internet music sharing ecosystem. Eventually, Dr. Dre, Madonna and even the Recording Industry Association of America sued Napster over their misuse of copyright. Eventually, universities began to restrict their services as well. Some artists jumped to the defense of Napster, including Public Enemy’s Chuck D and Limp Bizkit (remember them?). They argued that the service helped promote new music and provided a means for artists

Arguing in their defense, Ulrich said their music was a craft that they take time and effort to make and claimed it was being treated as a commodity rather than as art—as if forcing people to pay for it somehow de-commodified it. Ulrich and the rest of Metallica took the issue a step further by demanding Napster block over 300,000 users—again, mostly college students—who had allegedly downloaded their music. Regardless of their stance on the issue, this was a personal slap in the face to many of their fans (and it would eventually be followed by the release of “St. Anger,” an album which in and of itself is a slap in the face to music in general). The whole episode

o “I r

ve o ha t ms s ee c i s lly, the idea of a “sellout” in mu nica

was a turning point for the band, and not in a good way. As Ulrich told HuffPost in 2013, “We weren’t quite prepared for the shitstorm that we became engulfed in.” It has now been 17 years since the original suit. In the interim, dozens of other P2P services have come and gone (Remember LimeWire?). Napster introduced a generation to the concept of free music, and in the years since, services like Pandora and Spotify have emerged to meet that demand, and have done quite well as a result. Spotify just went public, and last year drew 159 million users to its service, the majority of which used the free version. While people still pirate music, streaming services—namely, Spotify—generate most of the music industry’s legal controversy these days. For example, streaming services legally require several licenses for performance rights and mechanical licenses for music, but Spotify has fought against the use of these mechanical fees in the past and been sued. This past January, Spotify was sued for not paying mechanical fees for artists like Weezer, Rage Against the Machine, and Tom Petty.

Napster fiasco. In the eyes of many of their older fans, they sold out hard. To a newer generation used to getting music from the internet, Metallica became a band that was socially and technologically behind the times; the equivalent of the old man screaming about how much better things were back in the day. And for ardent metalheads, the Napster case was the last straw. Metallica had already abandoned their towering thrash metal that defined the genre in the 80s for a softer, more hard-rock sound during the mid-90’s. It also didn’t help that Metallica’s 2003 album “St. Anger,” was an abomination of an album, with stale, headacheinducing drumming and laughably cringy lyrics. “I’m madly in anger with you! / I’m madly in anger with you!” singer James Hetfield croons on the title track. Ironically, Metallica’s entire catalogue is now on Spotify. More ironically still, Napster isn’t gone either. It was acquired by Best Buy and merged with Rhapsody in 2016. And yes, you can listen to Metallica there, too.

Other artists have been more proactive in their resistance. Jay Z started his own streaming service in Tidal, which notably favored the intellectual properties of artists—though, it is more expensive and doesn’t offer a free version. Thus, fewer people are on board. Ironically, the idea of a “sellout” in music seems to have vanished. When artists like Taylor Swift complain about Spotify not paying artists enough, their arguments parrot those that Metallica used. Though, few would point to an artist today and call them a sellout for demanding fair compensation for their music. Perhaps this is the result of a less-economically endowed generation sympathizing with fellow millennials just trying to make a living. As for Metallica? Their reputation never really recovered after the

Where Is He Now? Life After Internet Fame BY SYLVIA RANI Who could ever forget the Numa Numa Guy? The insanely viral video of his performative, unabashed lip syncing to O-Zone’s “Dragostea Din Tel” on a less-thansuperb webcam was enjoyed by anyone with a PC in the early age of the internet. Nearly 12 years after its release, curious nostalgia begs the question: Where is he now? Turns out Numa Numa Guy, otherwise known as Gary Brolsma, is doing just ﬁne. Although his free-spirited dance moves may suggeast otherwise, he considers himself to be a bit on the shy side. He initially decided to lay low despite the internet fame and continued working at Expert PC in North Carolina, where he ﬁxes computers. Unlinke many viral video stars, Brolsma’s life stayed relatively the same, as he desired. Two years after the video’s release, however, he was approached by Jaeter Corporation, a company specializing in media production. With the help of their team, Brolsma created another Numa Numa video, aptly titled “New Numa.”

The New Numa is quite different than the Original Numa, but they both feature a foreign song and Brolsma’s ﬂashy moves. It was then that the Numa Numa Guy came out of hiding. He scored interviews on Good Morning America and The Tonight Show, as well as various online publications. He even appeared in an advertisement for Geico. Brolsma now uses his online fame to promote his band Nonetheless and his career as a solo artist. For the most part, though, he’s just a normal guy who works in web design, releases his music on Bandcamp, and has nearly 1900 followers on Twitter.

Club Penguin CEO Announced as CLA Commencement Speaker Because what

even is Pandor

a anyway?

BY CLAIRE REDELL Recently, it was announced by the College of Liberal Arts that David Gerbitz, COO of Pandora Media and formerly the CLA Commencement Speaker, will be unable to appear as scheduled for the May 13 graduation ceremony. Instead, CEO of Club Penguin, Lane Merriﬁeld, will be taking his place. The change came after the CLA commencement advisory committee noticed a record low number of RSVP’s to graduation, presumably due to the lack of relevance and recognition of the original speaker. “Even my parents think Pandora is outdated,” one student said. “They could have at least gotten the new guy from iTunes.” Others also chimed in, saying Gerbitz sounded “lame” and that they would rather “darty” than attend their own graduation. Commonly regarded as the pioneer of virtual worlds for children, Club Penguin was one of the largest social networks for kids at its peak. In contrast, Pandora somehow is still under the impression that millennials are interested in creating “stations” that

only allow six song skips per listening session. “I can’t even listen to what I want on Pandora,” another student remarked, adding that Kanye West Radio “doesn’t even play Kanye half of the time.” “I’m just really excited that he’ll be there for the ﬁnal chapter of our education,” one graduating senior said. “Club Penguin was what initially piqued my interest in media studies.” The student hashad a Club Penguin membership since 2007, shortly after its acquisition by Disney. “I’ll never forget the ﬁrst time my account was banned—I haven’t used a curse word since.”

The CLA commencement advisory committee told The Wake that this change will hopefully resonate with the graduates who have fond memories of the online game. Because if CLA is going to book any mildly relevant tech wiz, they should be from a website we actually miss, right?

The

trials

and

tribulations

thrifty

social

climber

BY FARRAH MINAH It’s a cruel, cruel world—and if you can recall, the virtual world of Club Penguin was no exception. Once you chose the name and color of your penguin alter-ego, it was every penguin for themselves. And though you were ready to commence your adventures in the Antarctic, Club Penguin had one minor legal hoop: the parental confirmation email. However, this juvenile formality did little to take from the seriousness of the task at hand. It was up to you to make yourself something out of nothing. With no possessions and no money to your name, you had to stoically bear the responsibility of providing for your penguin. Your ticket from penguin pleb to king penguin depended on an ostentatious display of wealth. There was no time to waste. Everything depended on making itto the top of the Club Penguin social hierarchy. Can’t afford an exotic collection of puffles? Unimpressive. Your igloo tiling doesn’t double as a dance floor? Pitiful. The only way to achieve such proportions of grandeur was to make a sound investment. Sustaining the nouveauriche standards of penguin culture called for one

thing and one thing only: becoming a member. Enter nepotism: befriending the cousin with the membership. The demanding Club Penguin lifestyle can put any parent’s relationship with their child to the test. As soon as you realized that your pleading to them was futile, you had no choice but to rely on outside resources. It was time to teach your one cousin with a membership a lesson in sharing. Although it did take some coaxing, your cousin eventually complied, scribbling down his password like he was writing you a check. When you had finally reached the glorious land of members-only perks, you knew you had a lot of work to do. Your cousin had made all the wrong calls. His penguin’s outfit lacked finesse and the furniture in his igloo did not match *gasp*. It took work tobean elite, and if Club Penguin taught you anything, it’s that an entourage of puffles could make anybody seriously mega.

BY EMILY NESS What’s more enticing than a Friday night Blockbuster run? Our movies are magical pieces of art you can enjoy with a friend. You’re bound to ﬁnd elements of yourself and others in our many magical movies that you can check out for just $5/night!

BYAlone, EMILY NESS From cartoons like Scooby Doo, to crime shows like Law & Order SVU, to movies like The Sandlot, Home Pulp Fiction, and Charlies Angels, Blockbuster has long paved the way in revolutionary home entertainment. And with candy, soda, and popcorn as well, Blockbuster is basically a one-stop shop! rience even better, Blockbuster promises has long paved the way in revolutionary What’s more enticing than a Friday night to check discs for scratches before you home entertainment. Blockbuster run? Our movies are magiNow, for a limited time only, stop by any Blockbuster store and pick up a rewards card. This blue and yellow card is good for leave the store to ensure a 25% decrease cal pieces of art you can enjoy with a discounts on movies, as well as free popcorn for every three movies that you rent. And to make your movie experience even in that unfortunate skipping and glitching And with candy, soda, and popcorn as well, friend. You’re bound to ﬁnd elements of better, Blockbuster promises to check discs for scratches before you leave the store to ensure a 25% decrease in that unfortuthat comes with the movie game. Blockbuster is basically a one-stop shop! yourself and others in our many magical nate skipping and glitching that comes with the movie game. movies that you can check out for just Altogether, Blockbuster is booming with Now, for a limited time only, stop by $5/night! Altogether, Blockbuster is booming with deals. Hope to see you all soon! deals. Hope to see you all soon! any Blockbuster store and pick up a rewards card. This blue and yellow card is From cartoons like Scooby Doo, to crime Cue the credits. Cue the credits. good for discounts on movies, as well as shows like Law & Order SVU, to movies free popcorn for every three movies that like The Sandlot, Home Alone, Pulp you rent. And to make your movie expeFiction, and Charlies Angels, Blockbuster

The housing market, only going up up, baby! From the archives: 2005

BY: ONE OF THOSE BANKERS THAT WAS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING IN “THE BIG SHORT” If there’s one thing I know is stable, it is the housing market. You would be absolutely crazy to ever bet against it. This is why I am telling all of you right now to invest everything you have in real estate. Just look at those prices—they just keep rising! In fact, the likelihood of you losing all of your money is about the same as the stock market collapsing a year after a housing market collapse. It is all just pure ﬁction and speculation, something my industry would never do. We only base our decisions off of raw data… and a whole lot of cocaine. I mean hey, it’s still 1983 somewhere. Besides, a total collapse of the housing market is simply impossible with this deregulated climate created by President Bush, who by the way is doing a tremendous job. The only thing that can bring down his approval rating would be just completely ignoring a major natural disaster, but there’s no way that can happen. Only idiots bet against something as stable as homes. For example, that guy at Scion Capital… Michael Burry, I want to say. This guy invested over a billion dollars in credit default swaps because he thinks that. Just bonkers—that’s like saying that the guy who hosts “The Apprentice” will be president. Sure, he is a very savvy businessman, but that man will never lead the free world. Mark my words.

material. You try to move an entire basement with your bare hands. I did it once and completely threw out my back. And you know who agrees with me on the stability of this market? That’s right, my boy Jim Cramer. This guy knows so much about investments that CNBC gave him his own show where he uses a soundboard to tell you whether you should invest or avoid certain commodities. Fun fact: this is how it works in the ﬁnancial sector. The soundboard rules all. Now you may say to yourself “didn’t we just come out of a brief recession because of the bursting of the dot-com bubble?” That was not a bubble, that was just the market doing what it does: showing those internet nerds who is boss, which is us cool bankers and Wall Street types. So, for those of you listening to all these so-called economists like Ben Bernanke, just forget all of their mumbo jumbo. They do not know what they are talking about. The current year of 2005 is the perfect time to invest in the housing market. Life will only get better.

The main argument I have heard against investing is that the real estate market is currently in a bubble and that the bubble will eventually burst. Well here’s a fun fact about bubbles—they only get bigger, even my ﬁve-year-old I never really talk to knows this. And again, I barely talk to the kid. If he has no information on the Dow Jones industrial average, why is he talking to me? My job is all about buying and selling stable commodities. And last I checked, a house is a very stable thing. Many of them literally have foundations made of concrete, which is an extremely stable building

MY NAME IS Whatever happened to Clippy? BY HANNAH HAAKENSON

“Before we get started, I just want to say one thing: My sole goal was to help the users of Microsoft Word. That’s it. And what happens? People call me ‘ridiculous’ and ‘annoying,’ and then I get turned into a meme. It’s really not fair when you think about it. I was created to assist anyone with the tricky workings of Microsoft. Need to write a letter? I can help with that! I miss those days when someone would start typing, ‘Dear…’ and then bam! There I was, ready to help. I guess I was just too advanced for the people of my time … Screw Alexa and Siri—I’m the original assistant, and I hope I am remembered as such.” -Clippy

but guarantee that Clippy would pop up out of nowhere, interrupt your work, and continuously repeat the same directions to you. While the idea behind him was enticing, the creation of Clippy haunted Microsoft users around the country. Probably now hovering somewhere in cyberspace, Clippy is frolicking, waiting to interrupt the Queen of England when she starts another letter.

The Microsoft Ofﬁce assistant Clippit, better known as Clippy, was created back in 1996 to help Microsoft users become familiar with the program. However, it quickly became evident that Clippy was more of a chipper nuisance than a helpful assistant. Anytime someone started to type, “Dear…” in hopes of constructing a letter, Clippy would materialize on the side of the page and say, “It looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like help?” Although this may have appeared to be helpful and slightly amusing, users quickly learned that this interrupting paperclip was no joking matter. Any time a basic task was started on Microsoft, you could almost all

L I A M E N I A CH 8

TO: BFF <33

SUBJECT SUBJECT: FW: WARNING!!! READ IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE!!!!

BY ANNA GALL

To all my _________, (plural noun)

I normally don’t forward stuff on but I had to—this one is _______! My neighbor (adjective)

is a ____ and he said this is NO JOKE and you’d be a fool to ignore it! (profession)

FW: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Warning don’t stop reading this!! Once you’ve started the curse is already upon you you have to read until the end even just reading the word warning! _______, the CEO of ______ is facing a huge lawsuit and they have to give out

(entrepreneur)

(company)

___ dollars to all of their _______! To make sure the money is only going to (plural noun)

(number)

active account holders you need to forward this message on to __ of your (number)

closest __________. ___________ will track the messages for a ___________ (plural noun)

(same company)

(number)

____________ time period. If you fail to do so you will repent!! The last (interval of time)

person who ignored this message was found dead in their ______ with no (room)

______or ________!!! Their name was _______ and they were murdered in

(body part)

(name)

_____ by the ghost of _________ with a _______! If you don’t forward this on (year)

(celebrity)

(weapon)

to your contacts ______________ will come for you too!! This is FOR REAL!!! If (same dead celebrity)

you forward this on to _______ __________ in the next ________ _____________ (number)

(plural noun)

(number)

(interval of time)

you will have the best day of your life on ____________. Your ___________ (day of the week)

(grade of school)

crush will ask you out too and you will have ______ luck for the next ________ (adjective)

(number)

__________ of your life!! If you break this chain you will see a dead little girl in (interval of time)

your ________ tonight. And you will fall ill with _____________ and be cursed (room)

(disease / ailment)

with ugliness forever!! DON’T BREAK THIS CHAIN!!!!!

AFTER LOSING THE VIDEOCHAT APP OOVOO IN NOVEMBER, WHERE ARE WE TO GO? BY: ALEX WITTENBERG

Before Omegle and Chatroulette, we had ooVoo, the video-chat service that gave rise to that cliquey eight-way virtual conversation and killed inperson conversation for good. But as of November 2017, ooVoo is no more. And ever since the viral “ooVoo javer” Vine, the now-defunct app has been relegated to antiquity. ooVoo helped evolve the phone call by incorporating video, a once sci-ﬁ-only technology that, thanks to the free app, became widely accessible to anyone with a webcam. It seemed so right, those late-night conversations with your friend from camp, the longdistance relationship enabler— ooVoo, you were a revolution in telecommunication. But then Apple had to get involved. Yes, Skype was there and a few other similar iterations, but doing what it does best, Apple got into the game and dominated. FaceTime released in June 2010 for Appledevice users, and with the company’s classic, casual indifference toward Apple-abstaining normies, FaceTime took over the video-chat game. Thinking back, there was something so quaint about ooVoo. It was this miraculous technology and yet it brought about something as simple as a visual conversation without preference for location. No matter where in the world, you could be connected face-to-face with friends—all for free. But now, it’s joined the clan of the once-mainstay technologies that have fallen by the wayside. It’s just a matter of technological innovation, a sad reality of the things we grow accustomed to that are sure to be buried under new developments. History will look upon ooVoo as an app that encapsulated a shift in our social fabric—one characterized by a burgeoning dependence on technology as the modern mode of interaction. Just think of those bemoaning Boomers and their complaints about our generation’s dependence on tech: our midnight ooVoo conversations must have helped generate parental-control options over WiFi and many a quiet dinner tables. We thank you, ooVoo, for bringing about that change. Really one for the better. Think of the friendships you helped maintain, the awkward middle-school relationship proposals you enabled, the awkward teen years you helped evade. Without the veneer of the webcam, where would we be? On Nov. 25, 2017, ooVoo tweeted, “ooVoo will be shutting down soon, thank you all for an amazing ride.”

THE WAKE

One apt tweet in response recognized that another part of their childhood had died. Another lamented the loss after the similar closures of Club Penguin and Vine. Nineties kids’ internet staples—dead. ooVoo didn’t give a reason on Twitter for shutting down, but it’s hard not to place the blame on Apple. Sure, FaceTime’s ergonomic interface is unmatched and its incorporation into iOS made it a breeze to use, but what happened to the adage, “If it’s not broken, don’t ﬁx it?” And people wonder why our generation’s so cynical. Well for now, ooVoo, all we can do is reminisce. On simpler times. On days when the video-chat seemed so new, so boundless. On the very real revelation that friends need not be present to exist. If you killed the norms of conversation, good thing—it was time to break through the constraints of the conversation, the boundaries of dating, and the value of being present. With apps like ooVoo being supplanted by newer alternatives, we should consider the consequences of technology. Yeah, FaceTime’s great, but what’s Apple doing with all that data? Is it so far-fetched to wonder whether Apple has some ulterior motive behind all those faces, all those conversations, all those interactions? ooVoo represented innovation, and it’d be senseless to say the company had any intent besides the development of a watershed, wholly beneﬁcial service. But as I look into my dual-lensed, front-facing iPhone X camera and my screen unlocks, I ask myself: Is this all in good faith? Are they watching? Has technology gone too far?

Fred Loses His Meds FrEd

BY MEGAN HOFF

Charlie the Unicorn FilmCow

BY IMANI CRUZEN If you can remember multi-colored unicorns, Candy Mountain, and a shrill, somehow entertaining, “Charlieee,” then you might’ve watched YouTube’s Charlie the Unicorn. The video hit its tenth anniversary recently and with 32 million views, it’s likely to be a nostalgic viewing. Focusing on Charlie the Unicorn and his two unicorn friends’ search for the magical and mysterious Candy Mountain, viewers are brought along on their adventure through a forest, past a terrifying liopleurodon, over a questionablelooking bridge, and all the way to Candy Mountain. Turns out it actually exists. Having been woken up from a nap, Charlie complains the whole way, often annoyed by his friends’ enthusiasm. Charlie’s friends’ excitement and silliness might have seemed relatable as a middle schooler. But, now, as a sleep-deprived, sometimes cynical college student, I found Charlie pretty relatable. Especially the way he worries about little things. His friends though, they just enjoyed standing on a bridge (“This magical bridge of hope and wonder”), singing in the woods together, and pursuing the joy they claimed was at Candy Mountain. I won’t say we should all be more like Charlie’s friends and less like Charlie sometimes, but I did learn that it’s okay to take three minutes and 45 seconds out of my day to watch a video about unicorns and claim it’s for nostalgia’s sake. I also learned that the plot twist demonstrates that actually none of us should be like Charlie’s friends.

“It’s Freeeed! Whassup homie G?” the helmethaired, high-pitched kid shouts enthusiastically into the camera. His voice? Hilarious. His humor? Impeccable. I’m only on episode two, but I am absolutely hooked. I’m watching “Fred Loses His Meds,” the second installment of Fred’s adventures. As his voice and the plot speed away, I am lost in the genius of his work (I can’t get over that voice lol).

Anyway, the episode goes something like this: after Fred greets his viewers he dances to some R&B for a bit, followed by a “get down with yo gangsta self.” This is a great line. I take a mental note to repeat it constantly to all my friends and family. Fred explains how he has lost his pills and that he needs them to function like a normal person (cut to Fred screaming). He goes outside during a thunderstorm warning, frantically repeating “I need medication!” Holy cow! This guy is insane. I want to be like him. Heck, I want to be him. He’s like Alvin and the Chipmunks, except he’s a real boy and way more hyper! How does he do it? I wish I had some way to record myself and post it online… Omg, he just ding-dong ditched Kevin’s house. This kid is so wild. He needs to ﬁnd his meds, like, pronto. Now he’s totally freaking out, tearing up his room. Suddenly his mom cuts in. She found his meds! Man, this guy has to be the funniest thing on YouTube. Time to binge watch all his videos until my ears bleed!

Keyboard Cat Charlie Schmidt

BY SYLVIA RANI Charlie Schmidt’s Keyboard Cat is one of the best videos produced by the early internet. Every aspect of this 54-second long video is pure. From the two-beat count-in to the cat’s sky-blue t-shirt, the video appeals to anyone who’s had a rough day and needs to see something untainted by the pressures and stresses of daily life. This video was ﬁlmed in 1984—a truly priceless antique. What makes this video so great is that the cat seems completely unfazed by his less-thanideal situation, blinking calmly as unseen arms direct its paws over the keyboard. Keyboard Cat is the epitome of chill. Keyboard Cat doesn’t care that it’s a cat wearing human clothes and doing human things. Keyboard Cat cares so little, in fact, that it appears to be on the brink of sleep during the majority of the video. In the vast, dark internet sea of truly unfunny memes and shocking news headlines, Keyboard Cat is a shining beam of light, bestowing its own brand of chill upon all who view it.

Spoons

Leave Britney Alone Chris Crocker

BY BRIANNA SANDERS Surﬁng through 30-year-old YouTuber Chris Crocker’s many hilarious videos is something that I do on a daily basis. His videos are really relatable because he is so open about the problems in his life. Crocker is also an unapologetically strong advocate for the LGBTQ community. In addition to his YouTube presence, he is a professional vlogger and an accomplished musician, with three published albums, the latest of which is doing really well. A while back, I came across a video of Crocker reacting to an old video he did 10 years ago. In this so-called anniversary video, Crocker described what he went through in his life during that time period. He tells the story of how his mom came back from the war in Iraq and of seeing her suffer through her PTSD and addiction. I thought to myself, “Wow that’s interesting, but what video is he talking about?” After a quick search on YouTube, and sitting through a cringeworthy four minutes, I ﬁnally realized what made the video go viral. Crocker is responsible for the classic “Leave Britney Alone” video. Back then, he was just a scrawny kid, talking about how people were treating Britney Spears badly after her mental breakdown, saying through mascararidden sobs that Spears was just a human having a hard time in life. Honestly, it’s hard to connect the Chris Crocker I have grown to know and the person from the viral video. Talk about a glow up!

Salad Fingers

Harry Potter Puppet Pals

BY SOWMYA NARAYAN Every child who was in grade school in the late 2000s has been subjected to watching the Potter Puppet Pals videos that ravaged YouTube like a plague. Nobody was safe for less than six hours from hearing the chant of “Snape… Snape… Severus Snape” echoing down the hallways. I remember my own experience viewing them for the ﬁrst time was at a middle school sleepover where a friend insisted I watched the original video, calling it a masterpiece. Naively, I agreed, and then was forced to watch every single video in the series despite my protests. The dissonant tones, the repetitive, nasally mantras and the cringeworthy costumes—it was enough to drive anyone mad. How did we let them become a cultural phenomenon? I was personally offended at how much of a disservice the videos do to the books. As a fan of the Harry Potter series, I couldn’t stand watching the Potter Puppet Pals slander Harry’s name. To this day, I can’t make it through any of those videos without pausing it at least once to take a breather. Perhaps the only praiseworthy part about the “Ticking Noise” is that the violent end gives us a sliver of hope that we would never hear from the Pals again.

BY OLIVIA NOVOTNY I had vaguely heard of the video “Salad Fingers” but never bothered to actually look it up (re: not a big “internet” person). “Salad Fingers” is a miniseries by David Firth that began with the episode “Spoons,” released almost exactly eleven years ago. After many years of YouTube greatness, I decided it was time to give it a shot (my friends made me watch it.) The less-than-2-minute animation following a zombie-man’s quest for rusty spoons is not what I expected at all. First off, I just want to say that his fingers do not resemble salad in the slightest. Maybe that is part of the irony? Humor through irony was definitely the goal of the piece—that kind of cringe-y whimsy that makes you laugh at its own ridiculousness. Honestly, I see the appeal in it, but for me it just felt real awkward. The super slow and highpitched voices, along with the not-so-subtle sexual references (rust feels “orgasmic” when he rubs it with his salad fingers) was uncomfortable to say the least. The low-quality illustrations are equal parts creepy and charming, like someone opened up Microsoft Paint, sketched a ghoulish little creature, dumped some paint bucket color fills and called it a sensation. I can’t believe 32 million people have watched this. Yet somehow, I kind of want to watch the next episode?

The Potter Puppet Pals videos most deﬁnitely did some damage to our developing brain cells. Did any of us actually enjoyed these skits, or were we just being hypnotized by their absurdity? Why did nobody hit cancel on the autoplay and reﬂect on how ungodly the sound of “Ron! Ron! Ron Weasley!” is? Maybe if we had, we wouldn’t have let the Pals shed so much darkness on our childhoods.

THE WAKE

15 23