Christmas Is All Around
Q & A: Pony Trash
Marijuana 10 - 24 December 2012
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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Editor-in-Chief Alex Lauer
Production Manager Sean Quinn
Managing Editor Alyssa Bluhm Cities Editor Alicia Johnson Voices Editor Justin Miller Sound & Vision Editor Zach McCormick Obituaries Editor Kelsey Schwartz
Graphic Designers Sean Quinn, Katie Schalow, Taylor Wichrowski
I recently came across this description on a social media platform of a college graduate turned 9-to-5er: “Business woman by week, college student by weekend.” You know what she means by that.
Art Director Sam Lindsay
Since when did “I go to college” equate to “I party all the time and don’t really learn anything”? Unfortunately, this idea doesn’t simply reside within this one woman’s social media profile. It entered the social consciousness a long time ago.
Social Media Manager Tara Mrachek Web Editor Sam Gordon Staff Writers Tommy Finney, Tyler Lauer, Logan Wroge
This Issue Cover Artist Kara Hakanson Photographers Kara Hakanson Illustrators Paul Erling, Dan Forke, Eric Green, Parker Hoffman, Sam Lindsay, Justin Sengly, Steve Sitek Contributing Writers Katie Askew, Courtney Bade, Grace Birnstengel, Alyssa Bluhm, Matthew Cermak, Bruce Ferguson, Tommy Finney, Sara Glesne, Kara Hakanson, Jack Hanisch, Elizabeth Ireland, Evan Johnson, Josh Jones, Alex Lauer, Ethan Lauer, Tyler Lauer, Zach McCormick, Sean McSteen, Justin Miller, Steve Sitek, Logan Wroge, Cat Yanish
©2009 The Wake Student Magazine. All rights reserved. Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for the students of the University of Minnesota.
Undergraduate education in the U.S. is becoming a joke—for every major. I always hear people talking about how BAs aren’t worth anything anymore, but that’s bullshit. Part of the problem is that major universities fill these degrees with inane requirements, but the largest part of the problem is that the students don’t apply themselves. I’m not calling for anyone to stop drinking though. If you want to drink, then do it! But don’t make that the only thing you get out of college. Don’t turn into one of those people who dreads every day of school, only happy when the weekend rolls around.
Business Manager Chee Xiong
I know multiple people who have graduated college and are now astray, unsure of what to do and unsure of what they learned over the last 4+ years. It’s because they coasted through college from weekend to weekend.
Advertising Manager Steve Sitek
You are in a position where you have access to an incredible amount of knowledge and opportunity. Take advantage of it!
Advisory Board James DeLong, Kevin Dunn, Courtney Lewis, Eric Price, Morgan Mae Schultz, Kay Steiger, Mark Wisser
12:7 The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455
I know it’s almost winter break. That means once finals are over most of you will want to curl up into a ball and watch Christmas specials or back episodes of your favorite TV show until you pass out, but I challenge you to take advantage of this winter break. Reevaluate why you are in college and what you want to do here. Look over the vast list of groups on campus and find out how to get more involved next semester. Sign up to take a class purely based on interest and not on what you need to graduate. Look into the BIS/IDIM majors and study abroad opportunities. Email the professor of that class you were really interested in and see if they have any suggestions for books to read over break. The truth is, what you get out of college is your burden to bear. So if you’re not up to the challenge then you can coast through like so many other people. Whatevs.
Alex Lauer Editor-in-Chief
www.wakemag.org The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.
The Wake is published with support from Campus Progress/Center for American Progress (online at www.campusprogress.org).
disclaimer The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email ALAUER@wakemag.org.
Christmas Is All Around A guide to the best festive events throughout Minneapolis and St. Paul By ElizaBeth Ireland It’s almost time for finals, which by happy coincidence means that a ton of magical things are happening around the Twin Cities! Whenever you have your inevitable finals-week meltdown, pick out one of these amazing, jolly, Holiday activities to take your mind off of things for a while. You know you want to, because in the immortal words of Billy Mack, “On Christmas, you can depend.” Lyrical genius.
A Christmas Carol at
This is a no-brainer. This is a PARADE of CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Line up to see a bunch of beautiful illuminated floats and, of course, Santa’s Sleigh! It’s free, it’s close, and it happens four nights a week. You basically have no excuse to not go to this. The Holidazzle Parade happens every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night at 6:30pm now through December 23rd on Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis.
This is the classic story of Ebenezer Scrooge learning to love Christmas, at one of the best theatres in the Midwest. You can’t really go wrong with a period play with ghosts and high production value. Runs until December 29th. Not your cup of Christmas tea (or your price range)? You can still experience the same story, in the same place, for way less—the Guthrie is screening THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL on Saturday, December 15th at 7:30pm for just $5.
Display & Santa Claus
If you need still more Christmas magic after the Holidazzle Parade, head up to the 8th floor of the downtown Macy’s. They turn the whole floor into “Santaland,” which includes Mrs. Claus’ Bakery, the Toy Shop, and of course, Santa Claus. Totes free, runs until December 24th.
Check out the Landmark Center in downtown St. Paul, which features tons of lights and a huge Christmas tree every day, plus live music every Friday night in December. Skating is free and rentals are $2 or free with a Wells Fargo card. If you want to stay in Minneapolis and get all fancy and such, try the Depot Ice Rink. It’s an old train depot turned hotel/indoor ice rink. Admission is $8 and skate rentals are $7. You can get discount tickets at Coffman. If you really want to explore, head over to Powderhorn Park to skate on the lake with views of the skyline. Awesome.
Elf the Musical
at the Ordway
Want to get dressed up? Head over to the Ordway in St. Paul for this spectacle based on the timeless classic Elf. Tickets are going fast, and aren’t cheap, but it’s probably worth it. If you try student rushing, you might get lucky and snag a seat on the cheap. Shows Wednesdays through Sundays until December 30th.
You don’t have to go very far to see some gorgeous Christmas lights this year. The CSE students have put together a show called “Illumination” with 100,000 lights set to music in the Civil Engineering Building Plaza right on campus! It’s free and runs December 13, 14, 15, 20, and 21 with show times at 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 7, and 7:30pm. If you want to drive through a neighborhood with pretty lights, check out Summit Ave in St. Paul. It’s known for its spectacular light displays.
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The West Bank Rec Center (Yes, this is real.)
New recreation center attempting to address overpopulation of facilities. By Bruce Ferguson
The Department of Recreational Sports is playing a game of catch up. In this game, they have to expand fast enough to keep up with demand from an ever-growing student population. To that ends, the department has pushed to build a fitness and wellness center on the West Bank. Such a move will not end the department’s headaches unless they change their strategy. Even at its opening in 1993, the East Bank University Recreation and Wellness Center was “overcrowded” said department director, James Turman. At the time, there was not enough data to accurately right-size recreation facilities to meet student programmatic demand. Now the department faces the same problem as it tries to expand recreational facilities to the West Bank. Between 2000 and 2012, the student population increased by approximately 6,000 students according to the Office of Institutional Research or OIR. Considering that 70 percent of the student population uses recreational facilities, current facilities are not large enough to accommodate the student population. The Department of Recreational Sports has thus begun designing an additional recreation and wellness center on the west bank. Upon completion, this new facility would add some 50,000 feet of recreational space, including weight and cardio center, aerobics and dance rooms, squash and racquet ball courts as well as an additional pool. The facility will be built at the intersection of 22nd avenue south and Riverside.
They should redesign current facilities to fit specific needs and ensure excess space is properly utilized. The move comes in response to growing student complaint about the Fitness and Wellness center’s condition. It is an “overpopulated zoo,” senior Bryn Gleason said describing the current East Bank Wellness Center, “The over crowdedness of the wellness center prevents the use of desired work out machines, weights, etc...”
Luckily, this new facility would at least begin to address a host of problems facing the department. West Bank (some 13,000 students according to Recreational Sports surveys), would use it, thus reducing congestion at the East Bank rec center. Likewise it would ensure West Bank residents would have access to recreational facilities without interrupting their daily schedules.
Nonetheless, a new facility is only a temporary fix, as the student population is still likely to increase. The department therefore needs to adjust its strategy. Designing facilities to fit specific programs, athletic organizations and courses would be one approach. The current project is a step in the right direction, however. Freshman Cage Pierre, a member of the Breakdancing and Omulu Capoeira Guanabara student groups, said “we’re struggling to find space to practice, often we change from week to week from vacant classroom to vacant class room.” According to Turman, the new facility will offer gymnasium situated for dance classes. Yet rather than building an entirely new facility, the department could just build a dance gymnasium or an aquatics facility rather than a building that has both.
[The Department of Sports and Recreation] can only fund the construction of a facility, amounting to 50,000 square feet or less. Ideally, the department should abandon trying to expand to satisfy the recreational needs of the entire student population and defer to simply ensuring each class, club and program started at the U has a space to practice by creating smaller facilities with those specific purposes. Theatre majors need a space to practice performances and the many martial arts clubs on campus could use a specialized facility to train; these are just a few examples. The benefit of such an approach is that the Department can pursue smaller as opposed to larger projects, which is both less expensive and more practical as the University is quickly running out of places to build. Alternatively, they should redesign current facilities to fit specific needs and ensure excess space is properly utilized. Matt Kitigawa, a freshman and Stanford hall resident argued
that they should “take gym space at the current recreation and wellness center and convert that area to equipment space.” He stresses that specific areas, like the weight room are congested but not the entire facility itself. Moreover, he explained, if they were to build an additional recreation and wellness center, building primarily gym space would reduce construction and equipment costs while still providing needed facilities. Redesigning current facilities would take advantage of excess space incurred by changing student interests. Considering budget constraints, recreating the east bank rec center may not be the best course of action. The west bank rec center at its present design would not reach estimated demand for recreational space, which would require a space twice the size of the current project said Turman. With a budget of just over 17 million, funded by administrative student fees, the department can only fund the construction of a facility, amounting to 50,000 square feet or less. Even with the expansion of the current recreation and wellness center, set to open next fall to students and faculty, it is not enough. The department has thus resorted to fundraising to deal with its budget shortages. They will expand their Alumni Outreach network with the hopes they can rely on alumni donation to close the budget gap said Turman; they expect support from alumni since they will also have access to the new wellness center, when it is open. Yet one way to appeal to alumni is to create specialized facilities Still several students take qualms with the University’s expenditure on new buildings, which the students themselves pay for, one way or another. Gleason said that because many of the students paying these administrative fees will graduate before the new center is complete; the University should not charge them for construction. Because this type of sentiment pervades the student population, the department must appeal, as will need to alumni, to the student population based on the benefits new facilities will have to the student’s interests and activities, not just the student themselves. This will change the perception of student fees to an investment in the future of the University’s program rather than the university itself. However, the question remains beyond issues of cost, will a new wellness center or any other building be enough to satisfy a student population that has not stopped growing since 1972? Regardless, the only way the Department can approach this conundrum is designing smaller facilities with specific purposes.
Try it! You might like it!
Find a new spot and get out of your comfort zone. By Kara Hakanson Kara Hakanson
Did you get something scrumptious to eat at Wilde Roast Café? I went back there a couple weeks ago with my mom and the pesto chicken sandwich was even better the second time. Wondering where you can find mouth-watering meals like that? Check out the Wake issue before this where I give you the low down on Wilde Roast Café. This week I’ve got another coffee shop for you.
LOCATION: ESPRESSO ROYALE Since I’m usually there at night, I’ll get a hot chocolate to avoid being up till 3am on a caffeine high. The hot chocolate is super chocolate-y, and let’s be honest—how else would you have your hot chocolate? I have yet to cave and try one of
their scrumptious looking baked goods but I have had a bite of a friend’s peanut butter cookie and was not disappointed. If peanut butter cookies aren’t your thing, like, you’re deathly allergic peanuts, then try a scone or croissant. If you’re a health nut they do have sandwiches and yogurts too. For me, the crowd that goes to Royale and the people that work there are what make it such a fun spot. I met a guy just last week that gave me a hug instead of a handshake. I love hugs. It’s like the crowd you’d find at Espresso Expose but with a little less University influence. And because of the great eye candy working behind the counter, I make sure to visit frequently. Guilty as charged. Just a little something else: the tip jars. If you’re a kind/rich
The Case for
marijuana could generate up to $6.2 billion annually. Not to mention all the jobs that could be created by industrializing weed in the United States.
Cannabis Why it’s just a matter time for widespread legalization.
By Jack Hanisch Millions of Americans smoke marijuana and recently Uncle Sam has taken some big steps in the cause to legalize it. In November’s election, Colorado and Washington legalized the distribution and taxing of marijuana as well as the possession of up to one ounce for people over the age of 21. Consequently, because of the changes that have been taking place throughout the country, more states have hopped on the weed bandwagon. Rhode Island and Maine, both states that have already legalized medical marijuana, are planning to announce bills that will propose a broader legalization of the drug. However, don’t be so quick light up if you find yourself in Washington or Colorado. Though marijuana is legal in the eyes of their state law, it is still illegal under federal law. This means the federal government has the power to imprison someone for possession of cannabis even though the state law says it is legal. Now, let’s take a look at why people want marijuana legalized. First of all, marijuana is less harmful
10 december- 24 december 2012
human being, you may tip your friendly, attractive barista. The best part about Royale is that they give you a choice. They will have two jars out with different pictures on them and you get to decide which one you want your tip to go to. The week before Thanksgiving you got to either tip turkey or tofurkey and this past week it was a man with a batman goatee or a man with half a clean-shaven face and half a beard (Two-Face. Get it?). It’s a little fun voting game they do and last time I got into a great debate with the barista about which facial hair was more worthy of my tip. I’m excited to see what pictures will be on the tip jars next time I go in, and if my eye candy will be there in all his glory.
than addictive and dangerous alcohol. Yet it is still illegal. Aside from being a less harmful drug than many other legal drugs, there are actually many projected benefits from legalizing marijuana. According to Professor Jeffrey A. Miron’s report, The Budgetary Implications of Marijuana Prohibition, legalizing cannabis with a system of taxation and regulation would save $7.7 billion expenditures on prohibition and law enforcement of cannabis and if taxed the similarly to alcohol or tobacco,
Along with yielding economic benefits, legalizing marijuana likely will reduce crime. California saw a 20% decrease in youth crime rates between 2010 and 2011 when marijuana was legalized. Medicinally, modern research suggests that marijuana aids in pain relief, especially neuropathic pain. Furthermore, marijuana is an appetite stimulant which benefits patients of AIDS and cancer. Despite the bountiful benefits of legalizing marijuana, some closed-minded people still refuse to support its legalization. Many people are worried if marijuana were to become legalized, it would send youth the wrong message, as if the media doesn’t already do that. In addition to supposedly corrupting youth, people argue that marijuana has negative health effects in areas such as the lungs and heart. Alcohol is extremely detrimental to one’s health if abused too often; that is why moderation is encouraged. The same can be said for marijuana. What these people don’t seem to get is that just because marijuana is legal does not mean they have to smoke it. So, the debate over marijuana rages on and probably will continue for many years to come. Marijuana is a controlled substance and with use, comes responsibility, just as it does with alcohol, tobacco, and prescription drugs. Wherever you may stand, the possibility that someday, marijuana may be added to that list of legal controlled substances is slowly but surely becoming a reality. In the meantime, the millions of people who already smoke pot will continue to do so.
Every State For Themselves! What you should know about the United States’ secession craze. By Tyler Lauer In case you haven’t heard, in the wake of Obama’s reelection, at least one person from each of the 50 states has now filed a petition for secession from the Union. To be even more clear: there are people in every state who think it would be a good idea for their respective state to leave the United States of America in order to start their own country! On first glance this seems like just another “News of the Weird” story that should be placed next to the comics, but Texas’ secession petition has garnered well over 100,000 signatures online. The website We The People (petitions.whitehouse.gov) was started under the Obama administration in order to enhance people’s right under the First Amendment to petition the government. The way the website works is that any American can
Over the fiscal cliff Dealing with a budget hangover By Bruce Ferguson The American People are waking up from a bad trip. After twenty years of paranoia about terrorism, an uncontrollable quirk to spend on defense and health care, and chronic mood swings from the right to the left, the federal government has, in a way, sobered up and recognized its unhealthy fiscal state. Yet the American people themselves now face the same wake up call, as they too will fall over the fiscal cliff. Skipping a few steps in the path to recovery, the federal government has already given itself an ultimatum, or in other words implemented the Budget Control Act of 2011. The act is in essence the fiscal cliff, as it places a limit on public debt at $2.1 trillion while creating a committee to reduce the federal deficit by at least 1.1 trillion dollars.
make an account and create a petition. You need 150 signatures in order to be searchable in the database and 25,000 signatures within 30 days in order to elicit an official response from the national government. Right now Alabama, North Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, and Texas all have over 25,000 signatures on their secession petitions and thus will receive official responses. South Carolina, Arizona, Arkansas, Indiana, Colorado, Missouri, Michigan, Kentucky, and Mississippi aren’t far behind. This enormity of response to Obama’s reelection in theory should require a good look at the state of our country. But then I saw the petition to “Deport Everyone That Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The United States Of America.” That petition has 25,000+ signatures, thus requiring a formal response. Maybe the first thing to do, before we start looking at the state of the Union and criticizing each other, would be to take a good look at yourself. You know what all this commotion is? It’s the noise resulting from thousands of pissed off conservatives clicking their mouses. No one is seceding. Your click-to-pick petitions don’t amount to anything. Just because a bunch of passive-aggressive, mildly peeved Republicans took two seconds out of their day to click *Like* on your one paragraph-long pathetic excuse of a petition doesn’t mean you should be dignified with a response.
days, it’s not because we are getting crazier as a society. We are just more upfront about our opinions. In favor of convenience, we’ve created a society that allows us to start an online petition in minutes rather than painstakingly Eric Green going door-to-door to get people to sign a real sheet of paper, engaging them on a personal level. If creating change is inherently difficult, especially when you’re talking about seceding from the Union, going about it through a system that is continually evolving to suit laziness is counterproductive. It’s action, not *Likes*, that produces results. If there really are Americans that believe secession is the best thing for their state, we cannot take them seriously until they get off their computers and out into the world. Some things still are better accomplished the old fashioned way.
While news stories as crazy as this one are common these
into effect. A 20 percent cut in the federal government means a 20 percent cut to the public sector and the subsidized private sector. The job market will be more unforgiving than it is now. After all, the road to recovery has a few discomforts. Yet the left and right, the Obama administration and the House respectively, have pitched their own proposals to “cure” this addiction of fiscal spending. Obama’s proposal slashes defense spending by $800 billion, spending on Medicaid, farm subsidies and other government stipends as well as other government programs by $600 billion as well as discretionary spending by $1 trillion for the next decade. Conversely, the House’s proposal would cut 1.3 from discretionary spending, $600 billion from Medicare, $300 billion from mandatory programs like social security. Either cure is hard to swallow for most Americans, as it has
many of the side effects previously mentioned. Obama’s proposal will hurt the arms and agriculture sector, while the House proposal will hurt retirees, the underemployed and the unemployed who depend on benefits from welfare programs like social security. Both proposals hurt everybody, rest assured. However, these cures are still harder to swallow for congress. The way in which both proposals plan to raise revenue causes some irritability among politicians. The House’s plan will raise revenue by closing tax loop holes and recalculating welfare benefits to minimize costs, which they claim will increase revenue by over $1.2 trillion collectively. Obama proposes raising taxes on the country’s highest earners to the amount of $1.6 trillion. The usual bickering thus occurs. Democrats oppose the House’s plan for augmenting welfare; Republicans oppose Obama’s plan for introducing new taxes.
Unfortunately, such a recovery may have some side effects.
However, what prevents ether bill from being passed is the brewing dissent within both parties, making partisanship seem rather schizophrenic. Republicans chastised the House’s plan for cutting from defense. Democrats oppose Obama’s plan because it cuts farm subsidies. Both are opposed because they slash welfare spending. Nevertheless most politicians agree on the need to compromise but this time around, the voices in each congressional representative’s head are not fictitious and thus harder to ignore. Lobbyists, like AARP and Campaign to Fix The Debt (CFTD), have stormed Washington to either prevent tax hikes or minimize cuts to welfare. With midterm elections looming, congressional representatives are losing the will to cut back.
These astronomical figures may appear meaningless for the average college student, but the side effects will be both devastating and immediate. As a result of the Bush and Obama tax cuts expiring, graduates will pay 17 percent more in higher taxes than they would now, assuming that your post-graduation overqualified retail job pays under $100,000 a year. Even with this economy, finding a job may be even harder if the act goes
With a stagnating economy, the idea of increasing fiscal spending, relapsing is still all too tempting for congress. Even Obama’s proposed $50 billion stimulus bill may not be enough to satisfy the craving for tax cuts and stimulus packages. The fiscal cliff might just be the push congress needs, as it like so many other things, will damage the economy. After all, what harm could another trillion dollars in debt do?
By the end of 2012, these budget reductions will be automatic unless legislation is enacted against it or congress agrees on another deficit reduction strategy. If the bill comes into effect, defense spending will be cut by over 9 percent, spending on Medicare cut by 2 percent while discretionary spending cut by 8 percent. For a government that spends a little under $4 trillion annually, slashing the budget by at least 20 percent may seem like the government is quitting the deficit cold turkey.
The Primadonna Gay
V a n i t y A f f a i r
How to deal with the haters. By Tommy Finney To be honest, living a fabulous life does not come easily. With that said, being a glamorous and fierce boy comes with criticism. I’m not sure why, but a lot of people don’t like to see long legged, manicured gays strutting around in heels. My question is: Why do these people feel the need to take their insecurities and put us down? In all actuality, I have never personally been verbally confronted by another pedestrian, which I am very thankful for. However, discrimination does not only come towards the outwardly femme homosexuals. There are many different forms of hate that occur right here on our campus. A few weekends ago my friend was walking home from a party. As she passed a group of guys, they screamed at her “THUNDER THIGHS.” I think this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard. Little do these boys know, or care for that matter, that this girl has struggled with body image issues her entire life. This one comment that these boys most likely don’t even remember saying will stay with this girl for the rest of her life. All I ask of people is that you think before you speak. I could care less how you feel about gay, black, or fat people. But keep those insecure and hateful things in your head.
One Nation, Under God When the line dividing church and state gets blurry. By Kara Hakanson
Y’all better listen up because there are some crazy things happening in our United States. And no, I’m not talking about the wild people in the malls frantically trying to get the PERFECT gift for everyone on their Christmas checklist. I’m talking about the state of Kentucky thinking that our country wouldn’t be how it is today if it wasn’t for Almighty God. In 2006, State Representative and local priest Tom Riner proposed a law in Louisville, Kentucky that said that the state’s homeland security office must display a plaque that says that the country cannot be safe without God. The plaque would be 88 words long beginning with the quote “The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God.” If they refuse or violate this law, which was held up by Kentucky’s Supreme Court in 2011, they would face a year in prison. Riner believes that God played a pivotal role in the creation of the United States we know today. According to Riner, it was because of God that we were able to come together and create laws and a civilized society. Riner’s wife even said, “Christian
Although there will always be imperfections in our world, I believe that as a society we take quite a bit of how we live for
values are part of this country’s history. Without God, this society would be anchorless.” This issue struck a chord, reminding me of my secondary education days when we had to say the Pledge of Allegiance. “For one nation, under God…” I never said “under God.” I never said those two words because I didn’t think it was fair. Yes, we are the United States of America, but that doesn’t mean we all believe in the same God.
granted. Looking at the battles other countries are facing in regards to actual legislation that would legalize the murder of homosexuals, the environment that we have here in Minneapolis is phenomenal. Does this make these bigoted comments any less hurtful? Absolutely not. However, keeping things in perspective can help us appreciate the opportunities we have. Whether you are struggling with body image issues or accepting your sexuality, there are so many resources that we can take advantage of as students. One of the biggest of these resources is the Boynton Mental Health Clinic. What a lot of kids don’t realize is that every full time (and even part time, up to 3 credits) student is already paying for the majority of the mental service fees. Speaking from experience, there are many things you can do to mentally combat this kind of public hatred. First and most importantly, ignore the haters. Most likely they have massive insecurity issues of their own and are just trying to deflect them onto you. Second of all, never respond. This is exactly what they want – attention. Because let’s be honest, they aren’t getting it anywhere else. Simply purse your lips and continue on your way. Perhaps even give your weave a good flip (or in some cases, your biological hair). Either way, don’t let them get you down. People who need to put others down have massive insecurity complexes of their own that they most likely will never get past. Remember, always end on top of the situation by ignoring these pedestrians while subliminally letting them know through direct glares that if they want an autograph they need to get to the back of the in line.
the same one. That’s what is beautiful about this country. We have so many different people here, all with their own beliefs and unique culture. That’s what the United States is all about and that is something Riner, Judge Norman, and the countless other religious extremists need to open their eyes to.
Riner is one of many who are blurring the line between church and state. Oklahoma Judge Mike Norman sentenced a youth to attend church regularly for ten years instead of sentencing him to jail, citing that it will keep the young man out of jail and give him a second chance. I can understand why Norman thought this was a better decision, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that this judge forgot what his duty is as an enforcer of the Constitution and completely dismissed the First Amendment. Let’s not stop here. Take a look around you. With the holiday season upon us, you see church crossing the line into state frequently. In my hometown, they always put up a nativity scene outside the courthouse. A town near Chicago was under fire for putting up a huge 30-foot cross on the water tower. But this is totally okay, isn’t it? We all celebrate Christmas, don’t we? The answer is no. The assumption that we are all the same is outdated. We are a diverse culture and should be proud of that and not be put in one category—the category that we all believe in the same God or believe in a god at all. We are fortunate enough to have the freedom in this country to be able to practice the religion we wish so let’s not assume that we all practice Justin Sengly
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sound & vision
Greg Grease, Jake and Me
A first look at the local rapper’s solid new album and the Press Play listening party series. By Zach McCormick
I dare you to keep up with Jake Heinitz. No seriously, try it sometime, the guy is like a whirlwind. Technically, he was supposed to be “hosting” the event, an invitation-only party for journalists, hip-hop heads, and tastemakers to mix, mingle, and peep the new Greg Grease album—Cornbread, Pearl & G. Instead, he was bouncing from wall to wall in the crowded loft space, putting out fires. The bar needs change, he’s on it. Some of Greg’s sizeable assembled family needs chairs? Jake’s the one pulling the plastic seats off the racks and very politely angling them ass-ward. Somehow, he manages to do all these tasks while buttering up the VIPs and networking with us music-critic types, firing his clean-cut charm-rays with enthusiasm. This is the first of these kind of listening parties that Jake officially set up, but he’s already got a snappy name for the series: Press Play, and he promoted the hell out of it on the blog he runs with Eamon Whalen, BeSceneMpls.com. It’s all part of his master plan to break down the walls he sees between the local hip-hop community and our town’s music press corps. It’s actually a pretty smart idea too—Greg Grease’s new tunes found their way into some important eardrums, and we writers are easily manipulated after a few microbrews. That boy Heinitz deserves a cookie for all his work, but when I asked him if he’s planning on using the night as a platform to plug one of the shows he’s promoting, or even his blog, he demurred. Tonight, it’s all about Greg, apparently, and it’s no surprise that the humbly, charismatic rapper chose to start his portion by thanking the Be Scene crew for all their diligence. “I literally just showed up today,” Grease joked, before bidding DJ Just Nine to get the album started off. Cornbread, Pearl and G is the Southside rapper’s proper album-debut, coming after a string of mixtape appearances and singles over the past few years. It’s loosely based around the concepts put forth by the 1975 Joseph Manduke film Cornbread, Earl and Me. It was one of Greg’s dad’s favorite movies, and the rapper lists his pops as the #1 influence on his life and music. Greg borrows some of the film’s themes about the struggle for morality in the urban jungle. “It’s an internal battle between doing what’s right, but being broke,” Greg says of the album, “or doing what’s wrong and thriving.” Cornbread, the movie’s idealized golden child, is “what’s right,” and Greg, well, what else would he be but the “G”? With a lush suite of groovy G-Funk meets Midwest-boom-bap instrumentals from local producer Mike Frey, Cornbread, Pearl & G knocked with enough force to set heads nodding almost immediately. The sound should be familiar and welcoming to fans of Kendrick Lamar’s new literate-gangsta
masterpiece good kid, m.A.A.d city. It’s lyrically on-point and deeply funky while still retaining some modern trap flavors. The lead single “C.R.E.A.M.” sounded even better within the context of the album, blending seamlessly with Greg’s cloudy intro track. Grease’s flow has a bit of a southern flair to it, but the lyrical content isn’t meant for the club. “C.R.E.A.M.” details the rapper’s conflicted relationship with currency, ruminating on the sometimes awful costs of the paper-chase. The whole record sounds polished enough for airplay on The Current thanks to Fry’s stellar production, and while the beatmaker’s worked with a variety of local Wag-ers including T.U.S.S. and Illuminous 3, he seems to have really outdone himself for Grease’s newest project. Frey’s trademark stuttering Houston 808’s still find their way in, but there’s a sense of restraint this time out, giving the laid back rhymes plenty of space to settle. The two worked collaboratively on the album’s musical portions, with Frey giving the studio treatment to some of Greg’s original compositions in a process the rapper called “steroids” repeatedly over the course of the night.
wonderkid producer crew, “some windows down shit.” Sanger-turnt-rapper Lizzo of The Chalice also made it down after another performance that night to hear the Cornbread track she’s featured on, called “I Still Love H.E.R.” “Greg Grease is one of the most eloquent, meaningful, dope rappers,” she said of her collaborator, “and he’s got a great west-coast flavor.” Given Grease’s charm, humility, and unmistakable talent, it’s no surprise that his peers seem more than happy to dap him up. I sincerely hope his Dec. 14th release show goes as well as tonight did, and that Jake keeps the ball rolling on these events. With a hip-hop community as strong as ours is, interaction is always welcome. Oh, and if they bring back the free ice-cream you can bet I’ll be posted by the bar.
Framed handily by M.C. Akrite of T.U.S.S., who acted as the night’s anchor in between tracks, he pointed out interesting musical moments and interviewed Greg with a skill that makes me worried he’ll quit rapping and start doing my job. One of his best decisions was to call Meta up to the front to speak with Greg about a track he’s featured on. Despite grinding for years in the scene, Meta’s still seen as a relative newcomer by the press, and the rapper handled his moment in the spotlight with poise. Greg introduced their collaboration as a happy accident, “One day when he was just hanging out in the studio with us I said, ‘Damn, I need Meta on this track.’ And he MURDERED it!” For his part, the gueststart tried to deflect a bit of his buddy’s praise with a nod to the godfathers. “It’s one thing to be on a bangin’ beat, but if I learned anything from KRS-One back in the day it was Edutainment,” Meta stated with conviction. “If revolution happens, I’m ready. It’s one thing to rap about it, it’s another thing to live about it.” Listeners were handed notepads (by Jake, naturally) to write their critiques on, so after the final track wrapped up I walked the room to grab some opinions. “It’s really loud on some hi-hat, kick and snare shit,” said Julian Fairbanks, 1/3 of Audio Perm’s
sound & vision
By Courtney Bade Neil Weir (Chambermaids), Nate Nelson (Private Dancer), Ollie Moltaji (Gospel Gossip), and Chris Bierden (Poliça, Heavy Deeds) combined forces about a year and a half ago to create the latest Minneapolis supergroup: Pony Trash. The band has garnered a strong local (and even a little international) acclaim with their recent EP release. We met up with Neil and Ollie to talk about their unique atmospheric sound, vinyl pressing, and making out on beaches in outer space. The Wake: What made you decide to officially form Pony Trash and step aside from your other bands? Neil Weir: I think it kind of worked naturally because it merged from this idea where I had some songs that were not finished songs, but sort of like these atmospheric demos that were more mid-tempo than Chambermaids was. It felt like I wanted to do something with them and Chambermaids at that time was kind of like—we were and still are a band but we tend to work in spurts. I had some time on my hands at that point and wanted an outlet for those and was just trying to figure it out. I wanted to play with different people too, to see what happened. So I mentioned it to Nate, he was also in Chambermaids, and he said he wanted to do it. Then I talked to Ollie, Ollie wanted to do it, and talked to Srini, and Srini wanted to do it. And, yeah, Srini left. Chris started. We just kind of developed this dynamic.
whatever. And there’s this extreme sort of subtle thing where you talk about the dynamics...it’s like we’re pulled way back and it’s not a loud/quiet dynamic thing. It may never release throughout the whole song, it’s just gonna sit there and create a ton of space for things. And I guess that tends to get people’s reaction one way or another. Where people are really into it or they’re like, “Uh hm—huh—well you know, it wasn’t that exciting until that one part.”
totally or necessarily understand what it’s supposed to evoke. You don’t really know what you’re trying to evoke. A lot of times with me in the processing of making something it’s like realizing when things—like the Stanley Cooper quote, “I don’t know what I want, I know what I don’t want.”—where as these things come up it’s like “Oh that sound too aggressive” or “That sounds too masculine” or “That sounds too dainty” or whatever.
I kind of like that. It’s definitely not to the degree of Low or something like that. But you know, it’s something that has this kind of reserved, moody quality to it and be able to kind of be polarized and get people’s reaction that way rather than being in your face in any way.
It ends up being this series of decisions that, for whatever reason, we work well enough together that when things are happening, when a song is working fluidly as far as the writing process goes, we don’t really have to think about too much. We tend to have to go back and solve problems or do an editing sort of thing. But I guess to me it’s like we did that, we had a batch of songs and we liked what was happening with it.
W: This is going to sound really weird—when I listen to the EP I feel like I should be on a beach in outer space, especially with “Submarine,” because you have that mix of surfy guitar with far-away sounds. But I also saw a quote that said it is the best makeout album this year, and I thought, “Oh yeah, totally!” So what did you want people to feel like when they listen? N: [laughs] I mean, no, I don’t feel like there’s—that was just something where it was like you make something and there’s a logic to it and you’re happy with the results, but you don’t
Then it’s kind of like oh we need to present this to the world in some way. You can’t just say, “Hi. He’s Ollie, I’m Neil. We’re from Minneapolis. Listen to our music.” So then we had to start thinking about it, about what do you attach to this? It was interesting because in our way of doing that it was asking people for quotes rather than having us try to describe our own music to people. In a sort of unconscious way every-
W: Your sound is pretty different from a lot of Minneapolis bands. You are a lot more shoegaze-y and hazy, and you guys have a real understanding of dynamics whereas a lot of people tend to be more bombastic in the Midwest. Do you think that is advantageous? Ollie Moltaji: Well I feel like there are some bands in Minneapolis that could fit those things. For example, Crimes. N: Crimes or Flavor Crystals. O: But they’re all kind of in different positions in this compartmentalized music community. So maybe in a way we’re kind of...I don’t know... blazing our own trail. Or at least getting in touch with and tying in these other groups. N: Yeah I think there’s a certain amount of...sort of...connecting of dots that’s kind of happening. And it’s not just us. In the last couple of years I feel like—you talk about Crimes and Flavor Crystals, because those are bands that, as far as I know, weren’t even really aware of each other’s existence until recently. And I guess at the same time it’s like doing this thing that’s a little bit different tends to get people’s reaction in one way or another, while at the same time being a very subdued sort of approach, which is cool because what we’re doing is very subtle. It’s the sort of thing where the way the guitar sounds is as much the “star” or what the song’s about as the vocals or Kara Hakanson
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sound & vision
thing that was coming back was like, “Oh yeah that totally makes sense.” But yeah, we do get the beach, winter, space. Makeout. Beach, winter, space, makeout party. I mean there’s definitely something where you’d have to be described as “moody” about it. Nate and I especially are into surfy guitar sounds, but we’re not necessarily into surf music. So it’s kind of like taking the vocabulary of sound with that stuff, but not using those sorts of changes, not using that sort of tempo, and making something else out of that. W: Like injecting a sound into a different genre. N: Yeah. So it’s the same thing where its like, “Ok, there are surfy guitar sounds, there’s kind of shoegaze-y sounding stuff, there’s some sort of Neil Young sounding stuff, there’s definitely something slightly roots-y about it at the same time”—and just kind of combining those things. I guess to me it was like we write songs that we like and combine those elements more than thinking specifically “this should evoke this thing.” O: I don’t think we weren’t trying to go for a certain aesthetic, but when it came to engineering and when we had some of the stuff tracked, we thought about maybe things to—as far as sounds go—to approach. We weren’t like, “Oh we want this to sound like making out in outer space,” that wasn’t the idea. It was like, “Oh yeah we really like the drum sounds on ‘Dark Side of the Moon’, so maybe let’s try to approach that with engineering.” So we were just taking bits and pieces, but it wasn’t like—we didn’t necessarily know what the product would be. We just knew what we wanted to add to the collage. It would just seem kind of presumptuous to be like, “Oh yeah we want to be exactly like this.” W: Why did you decide to do such a short run of vinyl as opposed to a large run of CDs? N: Well, I think for one thing CDs are less special at this point in time and in a lot of ways harder to sell. They have a more disposable quality to them. There’s something about the process of pressing vinyl that even though it’s maybe not as “hands-on” from our perspective, there’s more involved in the process between the hand-screened design and the hand-
screened covers that Casey Deming did to actually having the short run done, which ended up taking over three months because it was a short run. Pressing plants tend to bump short runs when they get big orders in and there’s a lot of vinyl being pressed right now because of the vinyl resurgence. So everyone’s kind of overloaded right now. In some ways it was kind of like, we know there are enough people out there who are interested in this band to sell that many without having to sink money into it that we might not get back for a long time, if at all. So why not make it something—it might be a little more expensive—but make it really special. The hand-screened artwork and the short run thing, so it’s kind of like people can have this physical copy but we will not be going in debt to do that. And move onto the next thing too, so it’s not like we’re feeling like we have to play a lot of shows or go on tour to sell the rest of the records. We have another batch of songs now that we’re pretty much ready to record and we can go ahead and do that now, rather than feel like we have to spend the next six months or a year trying to sell the records. And it may be re-pressed at some point. We just don’t know. And it’s going to continue to be available as digital downloads too. So we’re not doing it to try to limit availability or make it more obscure. It’s more kinda
like make it special and practical at the same time, and take care of the physical object side of things as well as the sort of keeping it available in another form indefinitely. W: Why did you guys decide to call yourselves Pony Trash? N: Because we’re terrible at coming up with band names. And we had a list of stuff that was not particularly good, maybe not terrible, but nothing we really liked. And our friend Christina Coughlin, when I was telling her about how I hated coming up with band names, she said, “Why don’t you call your band Pony Trash.” And, we did. W: What were some band names on that other list? N: Tape Drugs To a Dog [laughs]. I don’t think that one was seriously considered. What else did we have on there? O: We had Mo’icha Keys. N: Oh right...Wings the TV Show. O: Before Pony Trash we were Indian Style with Srini, but we got rid of that. N: Yeah it was just kind of a case of not being able to come up with something and being like, “Uh we need to play this show.”
Visit those outer space beaches at ponytrash1.bandcamp.com
Makeout parties (i.e. Pony Trash shows): -December 15th at the Kitty Cat Klub -Every Tuesday in January at the Turf Club
sound & vision
Killing Them Softly By Tyler Lauer For Brad Pitt, the biggest movie star of his generation, getting a movie funded isn’t a problem anymore. If he wants it made, there are people ready to throw their money at him. This is lucky for director Andrew Dominik since his last movie, “The Assassination of Jesse James,” didn’t do so hot at the box office despite being a huge critical success. Movies, indie and Hollywood alike, are about money—making money. If Brad Pitt wouldn’t have said yes to this new production, it probably wouldn’t have been made. It at least wouldn’t have the kind of distribution it’s getting. “Killing Them Softly”’s dark gangster narrative continues Dominik’s investigation of those who seemingly work under the radar of the law. What makes Dominik great is that he’s not demonstrating how criminals work completely outside of a bigger
system, but makes it clear that these felons are a product and necessary part of
“This Christmas” - John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John By Alyssa Bluhm
We live in a society of music snobs, where it’s just as easy for a song to become popular for being bad as it is for being good. When it comes to Christmas music, we are even harder to please. So when John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John came together to make some yuletide tunes this season, it was hardly a surprise that it flopped. The duo’s album, This Christmas, delivers bland renditions of classic Christmas songs with an odd mix of saxophone and pseudo-country twang (see: “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”). Most of the twang comes from Travolta, whose voice has
Hundred Waters – Hundred Waters LP By Cat Yanish In their self-titled debut album, Hundred Waters creates a dreamy new wave of folk that is as well suited for digital effects as it is for the flute and traditional, poetic lyrics. The quintet uses intricate layers of electronic effects in addition to two female vocalists and instrumental sounds to create a sparkling and maximalist sense of space. Through ambitious experimentation and perfectionistic precision, Hundred Waters stays true to a vision of mystical timelessness. The lilting opening track “Sonnet” borrows an antiquated Percy Shelley poem for lyrics, and introduces a misty and fantastical auditory landscape which continues to grow throughout the album. This opener begins a story-like journey which
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a system where those on the bottom mirror those on the top. Taking inspiration from the book “Cogan’s Trade,” Dominik does a great service to the gangster genre by taking a narrative originally set in the 70’s and placing it on the verge of the election in 2008. After Dominik’s metaphorical beating at the hands of a system run by money, the critique of capitalism so apparent in “Killing Them Softly” should come as no surprise. This is the first “cool” critique of capitalism, but that’s not the only reason to go see it. It’s the got the best ensemble cast, directing, and cinematography of any gangster movie in recent memory.
somehow become Texas-ified since 1978. Newton-John’s voice, which has always sounded like a loud whisper, is especially wispy on their creepily sexual cover of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” At the apex of the album’s atrocity is “I Think You Might Like It,” which embodies all these horrifying qualities. The song’s music video, which has already gone viral, is an awkward montage of the singers’ families dancing and pretending to reunite for the holidays. The moral of the story: famous people have normal holidays, too. The album’s one redemption is “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” featuring Barbra Streisand’s golden vocal cords. Although Streisand is incapable of ruining anything, Travolta and Newton-John still manage to weigh the track down. Rather than finally giving us a song good enough to replace “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” This Christmas is more like the “Gangnam Style” of Christmas music. But in true holiday spirit, Travolta and Newton-John are donating all the proceeds to their respective charities, so at least someone gets to benefit from this train wreck of a holiday album.
builds in complexity up into middle of the album before peacefully resolving with more simplicity in the last tracks. The dynamic and shape-shifting track “Boreal” may be the peak of the journey, where syncopated lyrics playfully weave through shifts between piano, percussion, and digital effects in ever-changing time signatures. There are times when the effect may tip a little too far into fantasy-land; when flowery lyrics are met with excessively delicate digital effects during the some points on the album. The dewy lyrics and fragile chime-like looping in the opening of the song “Caverns,” seems to be almost too sweet. However, a listener will easily find much to be enthralled by in the shimmering sound of the album’s well-planned progression. Hundred Waters’ power seems to be in close attention to detail, and an intuitive sense of timing that creates an expanding and contracting feeling of movement. In as far as it is able to gently command the listener’s full attention, this album is a quiet tour-de-force of a band that knows its own strength.
by Evan Johnson Would I read a day of life
with every thing you think and do? I do not think I’d try it. Nor would I blame you if instead of holding on, you ran away, my dear.
obituaries You don’t have to bother getting up, I remember how to let myself in. I’ll hold you up, get out of this house,
Those walls, of course, cannot contain your multiplied and petty fears.
by Evan Johnson
The worst is when you try to sleep, Alone, at night, in your crypt-cold bed. You wish there was a solid chest on which to lay your sorrowed head. Now what’s left is so different from what you had before.
so you can vomit all over my shoes again. Who could say how many
if emotional love is all in all? I’m always glad to have you back, until you leave, until you flee, down the winding, gnarled roads, I walk to bring you back to me.
cheap bars and brothels
You’re slurring your speech
I’ve entered to excavate
and your voice sounds like death;
your broken fossils
your eyes are bloodshot
and slowly reconstruct you
and your hair is a mess.
in a mockery of what once was. Set you up in a museum, classified as Addict: Drugs. And on the placard people read, what’s plainly there for eyes that see:
I remember how your laugh could sound bubbling up like a merry brook. Or your perfect, humorous, lightly teasing, smiling and raised-eyebrow look. I’ll be here until you leave,
What’s left is so different from what you had before.
What’s left is so different from what you had before.
I’ll sit with you, stay up with you,
Dust to dust, rain to rain, ash to ash, mud to mud,
What’s left is so different from what you had before.
I’ll read to you, I’ll laugh with you,
Spirit to spirit, mind in mud, and spit for pity means blood for blood.
I’ll take you home and clean you up.
smile with you and cry with you.
Rambling, yet? I haven’t begun
Wash your hair and wash your hands.
And the next time you go,
to unfold the working of your mind.
Your wedding ring where it always is,
remember I’m near.
Like coal miners, we’ll watch explosion. Dig a bit, and see what we find. As you lay there, you lied to yourself, Said “everything will be alright”
sitting soft on your old nightstand. The neighbors ask why I don’t divorce, I tell them that they think too small.
Call me when you are entrapped by multiplied and petty fears. Because what’s offered is no different than what you had before.
What’s the point of marriage, dear,
but you don’t have hope, and you don’t have faith, so you’re stuck with gasoline to keep yourself alight. But the meter’s close to empty, and all that I can think is if you’re feeling down, dear, you might as well just sink. Have I been unnecessarily harsh with your battered mind and self? I’m kinder by far than you would be, wrecking your body and ruining your health. You see, what’s left is so different from what you had before. What’s left is so different from what you had before. Rip your faded curtains off your spotted wall and let us see what light can show. Broken dreams and a fractured life around half-full bottles and Speed in a bowl. You thought that he’d be good for you, just like another “one more” drink, but the morning’s gone with yesterday’s fun, and you’re still a bit hung over, I think. Steve Sitek
TO RESPOND TO A PERSONAL AD: -Take a real good look at your life. -Do you really want to do this? -Send a fax (a/s/l ) to 612-555-$$$$
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THE STINKYTOWN ILLUMINATI
BUY A TSHIRT
PRIVATE EYE: -female clients only-will take “ANY” case-meet on dance floor-
Too lazy/ busy to buy/ make a Christmas card? We made one for you! Cut it out, fold in half, tape together, write in your name, and give!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE WAKE! (fold on solid line)
Happy Holidays from your favorite campus publication and _________________! (write your name here)
We hope this season brings your life a love story like Billy Mack and Joe, Jamie and Aurélia, David and Natalie, Sam and Joanna, Daniel and Carol, John and Judy, or Colin and the American women—and not like the other people in Love Actually. lots o’ love, The Wake
(CUT ALONG THE LINE) www.wakemag.org
Don’t Trust Morgan Freeman’s Voice The truth behind the actor’s sweet, buttery utterances. By Theodore ReddinG As the morning sun rises, thousands of pairs of waddling feet trudge through the snow, beaks down against the Arctic wind. The penguins do not march across the icy tundra to fulfill an ancient custom of breeding. No, they march in line, one by one, in seek of a deep, mystical voice that resonates across the land. Rarely seen but always heard, this growing force has reached a level of power to be matched by none. Using calming language and harmonious articulation, The Manipulator, otherwise known as Morgan Freeman (or Morgan Freeman’s voice if we’re being specific), has reached the ears and hearts of all living beings. Freeman possesses a voice that has the equivalent power of a mild horse tranquilizer. It is this oral domination, held by one man, that has the power to melt people’s minds, putting them into a conscious state of complacency. Who would even think about any possible ulterior motives while cuddled in the warm embrace of Freeman’s dulcet tones? Such ignorance is exactly what the American regime in Washington D.C. is hoping will occur. Any individual that wields the power that Freeman’s voice holds must ultimately have a puppet-master working the strings, and it is naive to think that such an asset would not be
Calling All Young, Able Men & Women - Stinkytown Illuminati Recruitment office, bottom floor of Utec in Dinkytown, room 13
10 december - 24 december 2012
utilized by the powers that be. Through such vocal seduction, the American people become hypnotized into a state of hazy bliss, not caring to question or dispute any larger issues. It is such complacency that allows the government to reign without question, while instilling the moral guidelines they decide upon into the minds of all Americans. Every role Freeman is used for is carefully designed to indoctrinate the American people into a life of complacency. In films, Freeman often portrays the wise, older veteran who has “seen it all,” giving insightful wisdom anyone that will listen as well as reinforcing ethical social values to the audience. Even during his rare roles as the villain, Freeman’s character is designed to polarize the distinction between good and evil, creating a high-budget after school special. Through Big Brother’s puppeteering skills, American citizens finish Freeman’s films ready to adhere to the social rules fed to them. But instilling social complacency is not the sole use for Freeman and his voice. Every four years, a larger economic manipulation comes into play. As each Summer and Winter Olympics begin, Freeman’s voice is temporarily loaned out to Visa in attempts to stimulate the economy with a wide-spread spending increase. As the world’s attention focuses on the competition, Freeman waits patiently in the wings, preparing for the coming commercial break when his voice will be called to action. Every commercial is placed through a rigid market test in order to achieve maximum influence, so that when the narration begins, Freeman instantly bends the American customer base to the will of the Federal Government with his sweet, buttery voice. If nothing is done to stop this menace, America will fall to its knees, complacent to any egregious wishes of the elite regime.
Christmas in the Sand Colbie Caillat By Al GoAR Minnesota is usually described as a frozen post-apocalyptic world. Residents shield themselves from the cold by holding up in heated fortresses with a snuggie and cocoa, so the mention of global warming is usually met with a chuckle. But it’s real. And no one knows it better than Colbie Caillat. Colbie Caillat is the proud creator of the new Holiday tune “Christmas in the Sand,” a tale of our great American hero, Santa Claus, and his struggle with a world torn apart by global warming. The scene opens and Colbie croons like an old smokey jazz singer, “I love Christmas in the snow but Christmas in the sand don’t end.” The imagery continues to describe what can only be thought of as a Tatooine-like planet—nothing but sand. Enter hero, “I saw Santa in his bathing suit. Tried to catch a wave, but he tried too soon.” Who would be more affected by global warming other than the jolly man who selflessly brings everyone on the planet gifts? The man is a saint—literally. But in this barren world he is nothing but a drunken bum trying to get up in a surfboard. My guess is he’s trying to get to his now melted North Pole. The song’s take home message is, “Don’t need your winter coat. Don’t need your winter hat. Just grab the one you love and say you’re never coming back.” Come on Colbie, not all of us are famous and rich enough to buy a ticket off this rock.
An Inspirational Night of Culture and Eloquence with 2 Chainz By Walter Edmund Billingham III Esq. I was recently granted the opportunity to time travel to any period of history for one day, and since I had just purchased my tickets to the upcoming 2 Chainz gala, the choice seemed fairly obvious to travel 2 weeks into the future and witness this sure to be historic event. Upon arrival, I was properly greeted by a few of my fellow scholarly constituents with a “sup bitch” and “we bout to turn DA FUCK UP BITCH.” We entered the classically-inspired opera house known as “Myth” and the room was chock-full of excited young connoisseurs of culture eager to be inspired by the musical stylings of perhaps the greatest composer of our time. As the curtain rose, an ominous and pounding technologically-produced bass overture captivated the audience. 2 Chainz, in his innovative and bold garb, took the stage and greeted all of us in the assemblage with the remarkably personal and welcoming message, “Bitch I’m high as a mother fuck let’s get this shit poppin’ for real.” He then proceeded to take me on a journey of self-reflection with his keen insight on current world issues and eloquent wisdom. The highlight of the night was when he was reciting his popular work “Birthday Song” and paused after saying, “When I die, bury me inside the Gucci store,” forcing everyone in attendance to contemplate their mortality and the role of consumerism in America today. This concert was a philosophical turning point in my life and I continue to grasp at this memory by listening to “Based on a T.R.U. Story” in its entirety every single day.
Lincoln By ColLin Covart
As we have seen in recent years, redefining a beloved fictional character with a canon as established as James Bond or Batman is difficult. But when done correctly, the payoff can be incredible. Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” reaches for this prize. Based on novelist Doris Kearns Goodwin’s politicalsuspense erotic thrillride, “Team of Rivals: 50 Shades of Lincoln,” the latest incarnation is a fresh take on a character that has grown stale in recent installments. This blandness is no surprise, with hundreds of authors writing novels, comic books, and television programs based on the fictional 16th President of the United States he must be awfully tired. It was a surprise to see the Lincoln franchise rebooted so soon after last year’s “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Vampire Hunter played it safe, with America’s favorite fictional president in a familiar role, as a powerful vampire hunter grappling with monsters and demons. In “Lincoln,” however, Abraham is completely redefined. No more is the super-power imbued hero. Though he still has his trademark love for social justice, this Lincoln is merely human. To pass the fictional 13th amendment he uses very terrestrial tactics, like under the table political deals and cunning, not incredible feats of strength and speed we’re used to. Scenes even show him referencing actual hand written notes during speeches. A far cry from the oratory wizard we know from past works. This new gritty and realistic anti-hero portrayal revitalizes the entire Lincoln franchise. Unfortunately for fans, this daring new direction for the character is prematurely ended by the film’s bold conclusion. The ending leaves viewers completely blindsided. With an audible gasp, we in the audience erupted seeing that the always invincible Lincoln had been assassinated. When the cries of moviegoers around me mixed with cries from a theater audience on-screen, I knew that showing Lincoln’s humanity through his mortality was a masterstroke. Finally, the Lincoln character has transcended fiction. Audiences can now imagine America’s favorite fictional president as more than mere fiction.
WikiLeaks founder and collective of nerds to destroy all the world’s data by Hoover Von Vacuum In a historically unparalleled threat, a mega-group of Internet hackers has allied behind a promise to wipe every iPad, desktop, Android Smartphone, and credit card record clean in order to “start the world anew” and rid it of the effects of companies “bent on fiscal irresponsibility.” Plans for the attack began in a South American underground lair dug out by friends of infamous WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange. When asked about the plan for ultimate information annihilation, Assange replied in an overbearingly smug voice, “Well, it was just sort of an inevitable next step, you know.” Assange is the only hacktivist who has openly exposed his identity in connection with the eventual downfall of virtually all of civilization’s electronic records. Others involved in the project identify themselves as members or friends of the Internet-vigilante and hacktivist group Anonymous. Fol-
10 december - 24 december 2012
lowing assurance that any record of this article or photos of them would be erased if their plan succeeds, group members still refused to remove their obnoxiously over-dramatic Guy Fawkes masks. Despite rumors, the group does not actually suffer from delusions of its members existing in a graphicnovel-virtual-reality that is still being written. While the cyber-attack is part of a scheme of grandeur for Assange, other members of the team admit they needed a new project since they had just grown “kinda bored with playing WoW in mom’s basement.” Several hackers said they had been lured into work on the project following a promise of cookies. It has yet to be released whether these cookies will be of the virtual or chocolate chip variety.
pretty damn self-righteous smirk. Governments the world over rolled their eyes and sent threatening e-mails to Assange without realizing the irony that those records would soon be deleted from the world’s virtual memory. And as for the consequences? In reply to concerns about the loss of highly sensitive medical records, military security controls, and research that might ultimately better the existence of humanity, among other data, the group sort of shuffled its feet awkwardly. “We’re confident we will ultimately be absolutely justified,” Assange said, speaking up for the group with a grossly smug demeanor.
Best Buy, among other electronic stores nationwide, has been out of stock of back-up hard drives in a frenzy of panic reminiscent of canned food sales preceding the Y2K flop.
Representatives of Anonymous had no comment as to the new slant of irony this data amnesia would add to their global motto: “We Are Legion. We Do Not Forgive. We Do Not Forget.” Destroying all of the world’s data would admittedly not be the first time most of them had forgotten something.
“If WikiLeaks wasn’t going to change the world, I, I mean we, had to find some way to liberate everyone from the data governments were actively manipulating,” Assange said with a
Several of the hackers admitted they had previously failed to remember to take out the trash even after repeated warnings and dad yelling downstairs at them.
“SPACE IS A HOAX!
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SPACE IS A LIE!” says NEIL ARMSTRONG’S GHOST
By Neil Armstrong’s Ghost SPACE IS A HOAX! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! You think you can silence Neil Armstrong? My soul will not rest until I get my vengeance like Uma Thurman! Except I will not weep after performing the five-finger-death-punch on one and all! I will get Sonny Chiba to fashion a sword out of that flag pole you all think I planted in the Moon—I will plant it in your skulls! Coming back to the earthly plane as a ghost is rough. Now that I got that out, I will tell you my sordid tale—the tale that will prove once and for all that space is a hoax... It all started in 1947. I was seventeen years old. After two years of schooling at Purdue, I served for three years in the U.S. Navy and completed 78 missions as a pilot in the Korean War. Having survived the war, I returned to finish schooling at Purdue, graduating in 1955 with a bachelor’s degree in aeronautical engineering. Being placed in the reserve until 1960, it was no surprise to me when I was called in by the U.S. Air Force. They called it the “Man in Space Soonest” program. I was young, reckless, and believed that space was the final frontier. How naive! After going into orbit around Earth, and professing the reality of space to the world, I was selected to be a part of Apollo 11: the first Moon landing.
high security was in place to keep foreign spies from harnessing our grasp on space. When all of the scientists, engineers, and astronauts were gathered in the auditorium, I was surprised to see Stanley Kubrick among them. Suddenly, Richard Nixon, the President of The United States at the time, came on stage. The crowd instantly applauded, but Nixon’s persistent stone-cold gaze soon silenced the crowd. He paused for a minute, then ominously uttered, “If you are not willing to sacrifice your life for this country, leave this room now.” No one moved. “Alright then. I regret to inform you all that we are not going to the Moon. In fact, there is no Moon. We are living on the only planet, which is housed in a black shell. The stars you see? Those are holes to a purgatory-like void as seen in The Beatles’ animated film Yellow Submarine! The Moon? Simply a design on the inside of a black shell surrounding Earth! If the human race knows Earth is the sole planet in the universe, chaos will ensue! We cannot allow this to happen. You have all been brought here to help stage the Moon landing!” After the presentation showing clearly the partly concealed void surrounding Earth, Kubrick showed his plans to fabricate the Moon landing, citing clips from his upcoming film 2001: A Space Odyssey, admitting that the style of the Moon would have to be changed in order to protect against conspiracy theories. We were then informed by the US Secretary of the Treasury that, upon successful completion of the “mission,” we were to all receive unlimited access to monetary wealth, prostitutes, fame, and anything else our hearts desired. That is, as long as we all kept our mouths shut. History has proclaimed the success of our fake Moon landing, and the government kept their word. Some people say, upon seeing A Space Odyssey, that the movie shows the talent of Kubrick and this talent is what drove his success. Not true. We all should know by now that Hollywood is run by politics, not artistic merit. and it’s Kubrick’s success in faking the Moon landing that lead to his success as a filmmaker. I, on the other hand, felt lost after completing the biggest con-job in the history of mankind. It was bigger than Ocean’s 11! Like most of my
colleagues, the first few years after the job I drowned my misgivings in the unlimited booze, drugs, and women, all provided by the U-S-of-A. Although this would be enough to satisfy most men, eventually it wasn’t enough to quell my demons. By the end of my life I was out of the space game. I was tired of accepting numerous awards and reading speeches typed out by the government knowing that if I blurted out that the Moon landing was faked a sniper was ready to take me out. I was so fed up that I decided I needed to try and tell someone that space is a hoax in the most secretive way I could. I had nothing to lose and I wanted to leave this world with a clean conscience. While at a coffee shop on August 7th, 2012, a barista at a Starbucks recognized me. On the receipt for my coffee, I scribbled “SPACE IS A HOAX!” where the tip is supposed to be written. Immediately after leaving the coffee shop, a bag was thrown over my head and I was shoved into a SWAT vehicle disguised as an ambulance. The papers said I was brought to the hospital for “bypass surgery.” I was actually taken to an underground detention center where they tortured me, ironically A Clockwork Orangestyle, by making me watch videos of kids learning about space in their elementary school classes! These videos were accompanied by the Space Jam theme song! I wanted to reach out to their innocent faces and say, “Don’t believe them! I’m sorry! This is not what I wanted!” When I realized that I played an essential part in children’s unquestioning belief in “outer space” I vowed to never admit to this lie ever again. When my torturers realized their devices weren’t going to silence me but in fact do the opposite. They knew they had to kill me. And they did. At least, they tried! Bullets cannot kill me! You think sending my body to the center of the earth to be incinerated will help? NO! My soul will not rest until you all know the truth! On my way back to this realm I passed the afterlife and, for me, it was an alternate reality where an infinite universe actually exists! Take that Nixon!
All of the people working on this mission were brought to Area 51 for a highly confidential meeting. I presumed that the NASA
WHERE IS MIKE GOULD? We haven’t seen Mike Gould on campus this semester, which prompted the question: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM? We went out and asked you, the students, to shed some light on the disappearance.
“I heard he is detained in the dungeons on the bottom level of CMU.” Alyssa Bluhm “Brother Jed killed him.” Grace Birnstengel “One day he just forgot where the mall was, but I heard he’s now at the Mall of America.” Sam Lindsay “He found the wardrobe to Narnia and is currently dining with a family of beavers.” Kara Hakanson “He ran out of dollars to give away and staple to things, but he’ll be back.” Justin Miller “Who?” Josh Jones “The alien inside Coach Kill ate him.” Katie Askew “He was spray painting ‘Mike Gould for Mayor’ when Banksy found him. I can’t wait for Exit Through The Gift Shop 2.” Beth Ireland
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The Death of Us All? How the world will end and what you can do. By MIGUEL CASSE Are you ready for the end? The most infamous, anticipated day in human history—December 21, 2012—is less than two weeks away. If you aren’t aware of the prophecy, then you must be crazier than they say I am. Thousands of years ago, the ancient Mayan civilization created a calendar. The last recorded day on that calendar corresponds to December 21, 2012. Experts believed this to be the last day of the world and ruled out the insane alternative that the Mayans just wanted to stop adding days due to boredom. When the end arrives, billions will perish thanks to international governments covering up the information, but there are a select few who have the foresight to survive 2012. Those who know what is going to happen and how to survive will be the ones left standing. Among the true believers are the highly respectable celebrities Mel Gibson, Montel Williams, Britney Spears, Lil’ Wayne, and the multi-talented Ashton Kutcher. Ask yourself, ‘Are Mel Gibson or Ashton Kutcher ever wrong?’
Among those who believe are the highly respectable celebrities Mel Gibson, Montel Williams, Britney Spears, Lil’ Wayne, and the multi-talented Ashton Kutcher. Rogue planet collisions, intense solar storms, and magnetic polar shifts are popular theories to how exactly the world will end, but all of these lack factual backing. I’ve extensively observed the cosmos, examined tomes, and interviewed Mayan descendants. This has all lead to one ultimate conclusion: the end of existence will come by way of the spontaneous death of the internet.
The Beginning of the End Horrifying scenes and images are to dominate the weeks following December 21st. Error screens are going to pop up and all the refreshing in the world won’t be able to save you. Starting on December 22nd, people will no longer be able to update their Facebook statuses, watch videos of kittens playing, or look up ‘that one actor’ on IMDB. It will truly be a living hell.
In the first few days of Armageddon, panic will ensue as the world attempts to connect to the internet with no success. Wide scale looting of stores will follow since ordering over the web will no longer be possible. Naïve shoppers will travel to South America after hearing rumors of an Amazon still in existence only to find themselves in peril upon arriving at only a beautiful jungle.
puters will be sacrificed in an attempt to bring back the preinternet days. The Mayans also foresaw that IT specialists will be imprisoned for the inability to do anything to prevent 2012. The post-internet world is going to be a sad and dark period of human history.
In the first few days of Armageddon, panic will ensue as the world attempts to connect to the internet with no success.
Now that you are properly informed on this upcoming catastrophe, action should be taken now. It is crucial to stock up on basic necessities like food, water, toilet paper, blankets, etc., but the biggest threat to your life is the internet withdrawal symptoms you will be experiencing. There are effective ways to combat them. The first critical item you need is a megaphone. This is going to help when you feel like you need to express yourself to the world. Instead of using Facebook or other social media to annoy people, just open a window and project your thoughts real loud so everyone can hear. The second thing you need is hundreds of printed off meme pictures. View a few a day and slowly wean yourself off them to kick the addiction.
Netflix users will be forced to see movies in theaters instead of the safety of their homes, but riots are sure to occur when they find out pants must be worn in public places and that Cheetos are not served at the concession counter. Avid online gamers will begin fighting people in reality to supplement their favorite games. New diseases such as Phantom Tweeting Syndrome, PTS, are going to send victims into a mental frenzy when their followers can’t see how ‘witty’ and ‘clever’ they are. Society as a whole will tear itself apart leaving only a few people left in a post-internet world, and then we begin again.
Life in a New World The Mayans not only predicted the last days of existence, but they also foretold the fate of humanity after the internet’s fall. The new world will be a strange and unfamiliar planet compared to our current conditions. The few survivors will be the elderly (their urge for the web isn’t as strong), the prepared citizens that have been warned, politicians hiding in various underground catacombs, and our former governor and ex-professional wrestler—Jesse Ventura. Of course, he will become the supreme ruler of all things living. His ability to detect and rant about conspiracies has made him the most promising person to keep the human race alive. Every ruler after him wouldn’t be referred to as king, president, chancellor, or any of the present terms but simply as Ventura, such as Ventura Johnson. Laws will be drafted that ban people from using words like internet, e-mail, browsing, and even mouse so as not to remind us of Armageddon. The punishments for violating these laws are going to be severe—limb amputation is likely. Each year on the anniversary of December 21st, thousands of com-
Most experts overlook a good cable subscription in order to live, but it is crucial to keep yourself entertained without the internet, because, seriously, who goes outside anymore? Buying a kitten and dressing it up in clothes or putting it in quirky situations aids in reducing the symptoms as well. These simple guidelines are proven to be successful in internet withdrawal case studies.
Naïve shoppers will travel to South America after hearing rumors of an Amazon still in existence only to find themselves in peril upon arriving at only a beautiful jungle. There is another Mayan prophecy that hints to a solution for preventing the end altogether. Ancient priests predicted that just using the internet a little less each day and spending that time with friends and family, reading a book, or going for a bike ride might save our world. It seems like a shot in the dark, but it could be our only hope at saving humanity as we know it.
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Adderall-Fueled Scholars Face
Academic Suspension and Voided Degrees By Sir Dr. Thaddeus Wilmington von Matterhorn III Following the NFL’s decision to characterize Adderall as “performance-enhancing” and suspend players who use the drug without prescription, the National Educational Degree Issuing Committee has decided to review cases of alleged Adderall use among students who have earned degrees in the past five years. According to a pretentious medical review journal from an annoyingly prestigious east coast university, 48 percent of students who obtained their Bachelor’s, Master’s, or Doctoral degrees in 2011 used Adderall or other types of stimulant prescription drugs to trudge through their allegedly “rigorous” coursework. “We’ve recently learned that an obscenely large amount of students are using Adderall to get degrees that they otherwise would not have had the drive or intellectual capacity to earn,” said William Hornsby, Chairman of the National Educational Degree Issuing Committee (NEDIC). “We at the committee feel it is an egregious violation of our academic culture’s integrity to be railing copious amounts of Adderall at 2 in the morning.” According to a recent study of college students’ text messages and Facebook posts, and overwhelmingly in-depth analyses on the psychological effects of children from the ages of five to nine who played with Furbies, it’s apparent that modern students are using speed-like drugs to excel in their studies.
on the evolution of the use of Habeas Corpus from the 18th to 19th century when you were at Harvard Law,” Hornsby said before popping a 10 mg Adderall and diving back into a fivefoot stack of Texas A&M’s Intro to College Writing course papers from 2009.
and Schlegenmeizer on five times the recommended dosage of Adderall. “With all our insanely precise and in-depth class work, we can finally start competing with all those Chinese and Indians. I heard China’s government starts giving mandatory Adderall prescriptions to students starting in 3rd grade.”
“Whatever your excuse is, it’s completely unacceptable to get a degree in Thermodynamics when you probably couldn’t have gotten past your first semester of lib eds without snorting a fiver of blue powder. It’s a disgrace,” Hornsby continued and then continued to go on and on before digressing into this 20 minute rant on “this sweet article [he] found while on StumbleUpon ‘til 4:45 this morning.”
After casually popping six Adderall and banging out a bunch of legal paperwork, Longsfield continued. “If they wanna take away our degrees, I’m going to lose my job. I’ll have to go back to law school and get through with some new intellectually stimulating pill that they aren’t banning. It’s just counterproductive, man,” he said while displaying a wide array of telltale meth addict tics.
The Opponents While NEDIC remains adamant on strictly prohibiting the academic use of Adderall, not everyone is on board. Recent Stanford Law School graduate Allen Longsfield disagrees with the actions of NEDIC. “I think it’s completely outrageous to punish students for using Adderall. I mean, if anything, the government should be encouraging it,” said Longsfield, who aced his interview at the well-known Los Angeles law firm Birnstead, Ramberg,
NEDIC announced Tuesday that they will begin a thorough review of all degrees earned since 2007 in an attempt to pinpoint those students who abused Adderall to earn degrees. According to their press release, the committee will “examine every single analysis of Homer’s Illiad, CHEM 3002 lab report, and impressively exhaustive research paper on the Russian surrealism movement’s impact on the rest of the literary world.”
Upon NEDIC’s announcement that they’ll also be conducting widespread drug tests in classrooms nationwide before midterms, research paper due dates, and all other common sources for alarmingly prevalent Adderall use, many students are freaking out. “This sucks! My parents are going to be so pissed if I get kicked out,” said bleary eyed University of Iowa philosophy undergraduate Amanda Birkenstock while sneakily peeking into her “From Socrates to Marx” class to see if any NEDIC officials were standing guard. “I just got done with my 14page analysis paper and this is the best work I’ve ever done. I haven’t slept in three days.”
The Loopholes Birkenstock and many other students have been on edge since the committee’s announcement. But some have found a clever loophole in NEDIC’s policies. “I’ve been selling crystal like mad for the past two weeks, dude. I haven’t seen business like this since the first season of Breaking Bad,” local deadbeat Johnny “Iceman” Wilson said, referring to his exploding crystal methamphetamine business. “It’s nuts. All these Princeton grad students keep coming to me asking for a shit-ton of meth.” NEDIC is currently only looking for evidence of Adderall and other similar prescription drugs. This new trend of students taking their speed-reliance to another level shows just how committed these students are.
The investigation will take approximately seven years, though NEDIC is considering taking a bunch of 30 mg extended release Adderall in an effort to finish by the end of the month. According to last week’s controversial press conference, they’re waiting to hear back from their roommate’s friend in Microbiology to see if they can “score a bunch of addy.” This may prove unnecessary, though, as various committee members have been reported to be in the process of researching ADD symptoms before their doctor appointments next week.
However, 1974 University of Ohio graduate Leonard Hamilton says today’s college students are doing it all wrong. “Kids these days are a bunch of pussies. Back in my day, we didn’t use prescription drugs. If I had a test the next day, shit—I’d just do an eightball of coke, drink a fifth of Jack, and take it like a man,” Hamilton said. “Maybe around 4 or 5 in the morning, I’d bump a bit of speed but it wasn’t that watered down prescription bullshit. These students are so spoiled. I say take their damn degrees.”
The Consequences Cases where Adderall was found to be used in an academic performance-enhancing manner will result in the immediate stripping of the student’s degrees.
When further questioned about the progress of the comprehensive degree review, Chairman Hornsby jerked away from his stack of Kentucky State’s 2008 senior thesis papers and said, “Whoa man, I didn’t even notice you there. Hey, do you got anymore of this stuff?”
“We’re going after ‘em all. I don’t care if you used it once to finish your twenty calculus assignments that you forgot to finish when you were studying at West Tacoma Technical and Community College or if you habitually used it as an aid during the three months leading up to your dissertation review Parker Hoffman
Coach Kill’s Seizures Caused By Alien Invasion The University of Minnesota’s head football coach has an alien inside of him and we have the proof! By Guinevere Gibbard
Spotted: Goldy Gopher and President Kaler leaving the Gay 90’s together Saturday night. Ever since that sweaty August night when they filmed their infamous “roommate” video, G and K have been getting to know each other on a more personal level. There have been several recent sightings of G and K together doing everything from taking long walks by the river to dancing the night away at First Avenue, yet they’ve denied all allegations of an affair. Careful K, not even your nuts are safe from this gopher. Spotted: Cali Owings, editor-in-chief of the Minnesota Daily, reading The Wake at a local coffee shop. What’s the problem C? Sports coverage and sudoku from the Daily just aren’t enough to keep you entertained anymore? Or are you merely interested in what free thought and creative expression actually entails? At least you have a wide array of cultured readers from graduates who just can’t seem to let go of the good ol’ college days to people in desperate need of something to read while taking a shit. Don’t feel bad though C, the University loves to fund anything that isn’t too radical and supports women’s volleyball. Spotted: Football coach Jerry Kill making frequent afternoon visits to Deja Vu gentlemen’s club. Starting after the Gophers lost their first season game to Iowa, Kill has gradually become a regular participant in some indulgent “afternoon delights.” Trading in the love of the game for the love of the babes? At least strippers’ ass cracks don’t take University sponsored credit cards so we can rest assured our tuition dollars aren’t financing K’s provocative pasttime. Come on coach, if you want us to win you’ll have to focus on offensive directions, not viagra-induced erections. XoXo Gossip Gopher
August 24, 1961. In a seemingly innocent small town in Kansas, Sonja Kill gave birth to a football-loving, mutant alien baby. On the outside, Jerry Kill was a normal baby—as long as he stayed tightly zipped into his skin suit. But the alien underneath the human skin had other plans. According to the National UFO Reporting Center, four separate UFO’s were seen around the area where Sonja lived just nine months before she gave birth. Each of the witnesses described the UFO as a glowing ball or disc of light that hummed in the sky. “I saw what appeared to be a glowing ball of light passing in front of me from left to right at roughly 45 degrees above the horizon. When it was directly in front of me, it suddenly accelerated and disappeared at warp speed,” one Kansas resident reported to the agency. The report goes on to say that the glowing ball appeared three times within the week of November 15, 1960—exactly nine months and 11 days before Kill was born. This is not just theory. This is proof. Aliens came to Earth, planted a baby alien seed in his mother and, nine months later, we now have Jerry Kill. So why all the seizures? Naturally, aliens are claustrophobic creatures. An alien can’t possibly fly around in endless space for thousands of millennia and then suddenly spend life zipped in a human suit and be fine with it. Kill now has everyone fooled with fake medical clearances and fake doctors to repeatedly assure Joel Maturi that hiring him in the first place was fine. But the alien wants out. And fast. It’s no secret that Kill’s alien stretches—some may call them seizures—historically have happened in the midst of losing
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football games. The first alien stretch happened on October 15, 2005, when Kill was head coach at Southern University Carbondale. Kill had to leave the game in the last few minutes of the fourth quarter to unzip and relax the alien; his team lost. This year at the November 24 game against Michigan State, the Gophers were trailing 13-7 at halftime. Kill did not return for the second half of the game, as he needed to tend to his alien. The Gophers ended up losing 26-10. “When you have a situation where you go down and go unconscious, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it,” Kill said last year in an interview. “Until you come conscious and you get up and go to practice.” What he really means is that he waits until the alien calms down so he can zip back up and head out to the football field. A certain unnamed former Gopher football player, who publicly bashed his coach in a poorly written Tumblr blog posted on November 18, agreed to speak on the record as long as his identity was kept confidential. Why? He saw the real Coach Kill naked. Unzipped. “He confided in his players about his…condition,” he said with shifty eyes. “He made us promise to keep it a secret or else he would unleash the alien on us. But his back is a zipper that starts at his neck. I helped him unzip once at halftime.” The Stinkytown Illuminati is keeping Kill under close observation, but think about it: Have you ever seen Coach Kill’s back?
Dinkytown Changes Name to
Stinkytown By Steve Locasto
This week, Minneapolis lawmakers signed a referendum to legally change the name of the historic Minneapolis area known as Dinkytown, to Stinkytown. The notable area north of the University of Minnesota campus has long been called Dinkytown, but because of health concerns and persistent complaints of foul odor, legislators have urged a name change. With the source of the stink still unknown, rumors have surfaced that the stink may be from lingering effects of a giant earth fart, which erupted in early 2009 on the intersection of 13th avenue Southeast and 8th Street. Others believe the cause may be from the increase of awful musicians occupying the area. Regardless, experts, stinkologists, and local fume and vapor experts agree, the stink will most likely result in the zombie apocalypse.
street, a group of residents have dedicated their attention to fortifying their fences and stocking up on booze in anticipation of bashing zombies; while on the same street, other residents have ignored the prediction, and continue to drink towards a blackout zombie status.” Skeptics throughout Minneapolis are suspicious about the timing of Daufman’s discovery. Some have credited the organization known as the Stinkytown Illuminati as the force behind the zombie rumors and stink effects. It is possible the organization has manipulated lawmakers to make the name change because of organizational reasons. An unnamed source explained the Illuminati’s grand master plan of creating a stinky utopia intent with maintaining a community that lasts well beyond the apocalypse.
After testing the odor for hours, Daufman recorded his findings in a drunken stupor, concluding that the stink drives people to drink. As effects of the stink have caused some lawmaking nerds to further panic, they will most likely cater to the Illuminati’s grand master plan. Just two days after the Stinkytown name referendum was signed, lawmakers pushed through
a second public safety referendum in attempt to stymy the stink. Judge Stanley Steamer stated, “By reinstating purity and prohibition to the area, we hope the stink will be cured.” This law stops all the sale of booze in the area, which has opened the door for the Stinkytown Illuminati to take over all businesses in the area. News of the law mobilized one local moonshiner to contact The Wake in hopes to promote his new brand of booze titled “Big Stinky.” The moonshiner, Peter Locasto, described his new drink, in honor of the neighborhood’s new name: “It’s a blend of stinky sludge grain, coupled with pure moonshine and a hint of rum and tequila. It leaves the drinker’s face feeling robust, healthy, and numb.” Locasto denied any affiliation of being connected to the Illuminati, but his tattoos say otherwise. On Locasto’s left neck, he has a tattoo of a large steaming turd. Many believe this is one of the Stinkytown Illuminati’s symbols. He maintained his innocence by citing his honest Sicilian blood keeps him from ever lying. Regardless of the conspiracy theories, Stinkytown is in for serious changes over the next few months. Effects of the referendums are set to take place on January 1st, 2013.
German scientist, Xavier Daufman, initially noticed the stink while visiting the University last fall. While receiving a lap dance at a local unnamed strip joint, Daufman detected a distinct odor. The Scientist mentioned the odor to University of Minnesota Professor Selby VanPuzzie, and together the professors traced the odor back to the Dinkytown neighborhood. After testing the odor for hours, Daufman recorded his findings in a drunken stupor, concluding that the stink drives people to drink. While Daufman found no scientific proof of the predicted zombie apocalypse, most residents have happily panicked. Anthropology student, Trouzer Chili said, “The stink is great. I can’t wait till the zombies get here. I will live here forever!” While Shawn may indeed live in the stink forever, some residents don’t share his enthusiasm. Microbiology senior Amanda Arse expressed her viewpoint, “I’m sick of being drunk all the time, and I’m sick of the stink making me always want to eat brains. Oh shit. I mean McDonald’s.” The divide in opinions has created a visible rift throughout the community. Sociologist professor Boob Blarney has cited the gap in opinions as one of the most intriguing sociological studies since the birth of the junkie. “On one steve sitek
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
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writing / illustration / photography / advertising / business management / copyediting / social media / overall magazine production Sound like you? Email firstname.lastname@example.org for more information on how to get involved with The Wake next semester!
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First and foremost, I just want to say how honored I am to be the official Guest Editor of the Bizarro half of this issue of my favorite campus publication: The Wake! I saw that R. Kelly filled these shoes last year so I hope to live up to the legacy that he left. HA. Who am I kidding? Everything I touch turns to gold! You know that new movie I’m in—“Jack Reacher”? Like WTF is that? Jack Reacher—now that sounds like an action hero name. The only reason I did that movie and am still backing it up is because I’m testing myself. How can I be the greatest movie star ever if I can’t take an utterly terrible film and make it a box office hit simply because of my presence? To be totally honest, I also took this role because Rosamund Pike was cast. As you know, I’m back in the game now. And Rose, as I call her, has had my attention ever since “Die Another Day.” Move over Halle Berry! But don’t get me wrong—it’s not the same thing with The Wake. These guys are the bee’s knees! I’m doing this because they called me to work on the perfect issue. This Bizarro issue is all about conspiracy theories, and if anyone knows about the ridiculousness, and sometimes awful truth, of these—it’s yours truly. Scientology, Illuminati, Swedish Death Metal, Fro-Yo monopolies, the mythical Titans, the dryer manufacturers who build machines that eat one sock every third cycle—you name it, I’ve been accused of being involved with it. Oh, and if you haven't heard, I’m going by “Cruise” now. I dropped the first name. God, Jesus, Madonna, Bono, Prince, Xzibit, Merlin, Sinbad, Banksy, Buffy, iCarly—they all have only one name! And now the dawn of Cruise has come.
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disclaimer: THIS IS THE BIZARRO ISSUE. ALL OF THE
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How To Get Free Tuition! 10 - 24 December 2012