JACI STEPHEN
JACI O' LANTERN
When the trick or treating starts, don’t go knocking on Jaci’s door …
I
never got the fascination with Halloween. When I was growing up, the greatest excitement on October 31 was semi-drowning in a bucket of water while trying to pull an apple out with your teeth. That was it. Party over. It was only when I moved to the US that I realized what I’d been missing out on. When stores started stocking up on pumpkin carving kits at the end of summer, a whole new life opened before me. I’d never before been in contact with a pumpkin, let alone something to turn it into a work of art. It wasn’t that my parents were mean; they were just a bit slow on the uptake when it came to essentials for festivities. As a kid, my Jack o’ Lantern was always a turnip, and one year, when even the turnips had sold out, we had to make do with a plump carrot. People in the US start turning their lawns into Halloween festivals round about September 1, when everything guaranteed to terrify a small child goes on display. In all apartments I’ve rented, a notice comes round asking whether I want to be included in the trick or treat festivities carried out by the complex’s little people. Not unless they never want to see their parents again and have a desire to eke out their remaining days under my floorboards, I say. Politely. I put it down to my having been born on November 5 (in the UK, the day that commemorates Guy Fawkes’s unsuccessful attempt to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605). Children came to my birthday party armed with explosives. Sometimes, I got a present, too, but the bigger the box of explosives, the smaller the present. While
in. What’s to like about something that celebrates everything that is horrible? That preys upon our greatest fears about the unknown? That transforms people into hideous incarnations of grossness? Halloween is a celebration – the first day of Allhfallowide – that takes place on the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallows’ Day. Apparently, we’re not supposed to eat meat – and yet we’re at liberty to light candles on the graves of the dead? Go figure. So, a very happy Halloween to you all. I’m keeping all my doors locked, eating all the candy I have (sorry, kiddies), and watching back-to-back Law and Order: SVU (again). Come November 5, I might emerge. Drinks are on you.
Above: Guess who’s eating all the candy ...?
my friends watched the display outside, I hid indoors, alone, under a table. I hated fireworks then and still do. They make me cry. To me, they are the loneliest sound in the world. I suppose I equate Halloween with that time of year. I’ve never been able to be near anyone wearing a mask; my dislike of beards is probably because I genuinely have a fear of being close to anything with its face covered. I would need to be accompanied by paramedics if I were to attend a masked ball; my mother once had to carry me out of the circus when a clown approached me for a friendly chat. I had hysterics in Paris Disneyland when a mouse came within nibbling distance. And I was 43 at the time. And so, come October 31, I’ll be staying
THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT OCTOBER
1
Autumn, particularly in poetry, is often associated with melancholia. Solution: go to pub. Since 1997, Autumn has been one of the top 100 names for
2 10
girls in the US. I bet you Hillary is going to rocket to the top this year. Or Donaldique. Not long to go now, folks! You’re not supposed to be wearing white after Labor Day.
3
DIGITAL EDITION
Great. Another excuse to go shopping. Halloween is Calan Gaeaf in Welsh. That is of no use to any of you, but I am Welsh, so run with it for five seconds.
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ARE YOU SCARED YET? 1. Work avoidance for Halloween: www.makeme zombie.com 2. The most frightening thing from the UK you’ll ever see, let alone on Halloween. A meat clown! 3. A pumpkin carving kit.
5
In the late 19th and early 20th century, in Glamorgan (where I am from in Wales – did I mention that?), young people crossdressed to celebrate Halloween. Yeah. Now you’re interested, right?