Grit & Grace

by Trice Berlinski

This article is dedicated to Mary, my best friend for life. This year we are celebrating our 55th year of friendship.

Mary and I met in kindergarten, at Healy, an old brick schoolhouse in northwest Detroit. We lived in the same neighborhood 2 blocks from each other, and our fathers were both Detroit Police Officers. Our mothers had jobs, however, they placed most of their focus on raising the children and caring for their husbands and the home. Each the youngest of 5 children, our sibling roster was almost identical with an oldest brother followed by two sisters then a brother 6 years our senior.

We did the kind of things kids did in the 1970s: played four-square, kick the can, the board game Sorry, and with Barbies. We baked sweet treats, swung on the swing set, rode our bikes, begged to spend the night at one another’s house, did lots and lots of Trick-or-treating, shoveled snow from driveways to earn a few bucks, chased boys, and oh so much more.

Admittedly, Mary tormented me…just a little bit. She would put my long hair between the desks at school so I would be stuck when I tried to get up, pull that same hair when I started to win at Sorry, rearrange things on my dresser when I left my bedroom, and laugh until she cried when I got stuck, hanging upside down by one foot, in the Apple tree in my backyard.

Most importantly, however, Mary challenged me to grow. Years before it became an adage, Mary knew that life does begin outside of your comfort zone. She valued what I was missing so she wasn’t going to have her best friend writing poetry at home when I could be playing kick-the-can with her and the boys on her street.

Mary boldly embraces life.

Our dynamic continued through high school, college parties, and adult functions. I’m not sure Mary knows how much I needed her to pave the way for my introvert to come out and play. Over the years I influenced her too, in more subtle ways. It’s harder for a whisper to affect a boisterous gust of wind than vice versa.

I have learned from my friendship with Mary and others that long-lasting relationships require Grit & Grace. When we witness each other’s stories over many years, undeniable hard truths rise to the surface that cannot be brushed away. There is no better reflection than a friend willing to be honest with you. When this happens, it will feel like a kick in the gut and you will know it is true. This is when it is time to grow.

My mindfulness practice has allowed me the opportunity to examine these truths rather than become defensive and deflect them. Sure, at first, I have an emotional reaction, which I acknowledge but don’t give any power to. Then I allow time and space to do their magic. I’ve come to look forward to these transactions as some of the greatest gifts my friends give me because on the other side I am a little less stuck than I was before. A little more free.

Grace comes into play when the other person is being human. They cancel yet another date with you, show up late, forget your birthday. Emotions are sure to bubble to the surface, and maybe even boil over, but with practice and the mindful awareness that most of what people do or don’t do is not even about you, you can loosen the tie of judgment, engage in curiosity, and begin to really learn your friend.

Friendship: to be seen, heard, felt, known, and loved anyway.

Thank you, Mary, for always being “there” for me, right in my heart.

Mindfully Yours, Trice

As a leader in the mindfulness movement Trice began teaching mindfulness 2011. She started a non-profit in 2012, The Michigan Collaborative for Mindfulness in Education, and has taught kids, teachers, & administrators from Detroit to the UP! As a Certified Meditation Instructor, also certified in the neuroscience of change by Dr. Joe Dispenza, she has trained numerous individuals & organizations, including GM, U of M, and more.