Voice Male Summer 2001

THE MAGAZINE OF THE MEN'$ RESOURCE CENTEROFWESTERN MASSACH

Inside: • Father Loss • Becoming Green Men .

• RadioActive Youth

• On Being a Gay Father • When Your Partner Has Breast Cancer

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From the Editor

By Rob Okun

The Power of Community here are spiritual traditions •which suggest that each era creates the conditions for the right kind of teaching for its time. The Buddhist teacher and writer Thich Nhat Hanh beliFes a modern day Buddha may not appear as a single enlightened being but rather as the community itself. In other words, collectively it is up to each of us to be the ones helping one another to awaken. The MRC had a chance to practice wakefulness recently after an attack on a local business down the street from our office.

African American business owners Robert and Dorothy Green have lived and worked in Amherst for 30 years, operating a typewriter and computer sales and repair service. In their years here, they've learned important lessons about tolerance and intolerance in Amherst a college town which sees itself as a bastion o'f progressive thought. Amherst, though, is part of the U.S., and as such is not immune to the deleterious effects of racism.

A piece of concrete thrown through the front window of the Greens' shop in early May was not the first time the specter of racism hovered over their store. A similar incident had also occurred in 1997. This time, paper in display typewriters on the street in front of the shop had the letters KKK typed on them, according to the Greens.

Concern in the community began to grow after a story about the incident appeared in the local newspaper. MRC Executive Director Steven Botkin posted the article on the wall and wrote, "How do we want to respond? " Informal conversation among staff sparked ideas and time was set aside at a staff meeting to discuss what to do. The result was creating a flyer which read, "We Stand Together Against Bigotry & Racism." A letter to the editor was sent to newspapers stating our outrage at the attack and announcing plans to put copies of the flyer up in our windows. We invited anyone who shared our sentiments to do likewise.

The head of the local chamber of commerce agreed to email our plans to chamber members. Within days scores of businesses along the main street had the signs up in their windows. .

Amherst town government had taken an active role almost from the start, and a member of the select board began organizing with the MRC, joined by members of "Not in Our Town," an anti-hate crime group formed after the earlier act of vandalism against Amherst Typewriter. Reporters from the Springfield daily and the Boston Globe began following the story, along with the Amherst and Northampton papers.

On the Sunday of the Memorial Day weekend, with just a few day's notice, nearly 250 people showed up on the Amherst town common for a "Rally for Unity." A vibrant sampling of the diversity of the community was evidenced by the different ages, races and sex-

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ual orientations of the crowd. Groups were invited to stand together in unity-to witness ,., one another in a ~ shared commitment to :~ racial harmony. \J Representatives from town government stood together, from the head of the human rights commission to the chief of police. Business owners came up as a group, as did members of the school community, the high school principal standing near elementary school students.

The religious community came up en masse with several tradiDions represented. We joined hands, we sang, Je noticed how strong we can be.

It was a heartening scene, one that powerfully demonstrated "helping one another to awaken." Whether or not the way one community responded to what happened to one of its own is truly a sign of a greater awakening remains to be seen. The work of undoing racism, like the work of redefining masculinity, requires a sustained effort. But the power of community, of living lives based on cooperation, interconnectedness and, ultimately, on love, is central to the work of helping one another awaken. May we all feel its power in the days ahead. *** *** *** *** This issue of Voice Male features a number of articles related to fathering and fatherhood .

How men deal with the loss of their fathers is movingly explored in Neil Chethik's "Father Loss" (page 8), while Allan Arnaboldi's "On Being a Gay Father" poingnantly shares the joys and struggles of his journey (page 14) ; and Daniel Botkin takes readers inside a finhers' group in "Fathers Finding Support" (page 10). The notion of fathering can also be found in an inviting photo-essay by Gigi Kaeser and Peggy Gillespie, "Mentoring Our Boys" (page 16) , about Big and Little Brothers, and in joe Zoske's Men & Health column, "Healthy Boys, Healthy Men" (page 21) . While · you're reading, absolutely don't miss Michael Dover's important feature , "Becoming Green Men: Men's Work and the Earth" (page 12) or Elena Botkin-Levy's Voices of Youth column, "Take Back the Media" (page 19) . Charlie Hertan has much to say about the world of survivors in "Using the "S" word," this issue's Notes from Survivors column, (page 18). Make sure, too,. to check out Vernon Mclean's Colorlines column, "When Your Partner has Breast Cancer," (page 20), and Don Unger's gender roles piece, "My Sister's Tool Box." There's a lot of wisdom and insight in this issue. Enjoy! And, as always, we welcome your thoughts, letters and ideas. Happy Summer!

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES From the Editor Director's Voice Mail Bonding Men@ Work Fathering: Fathers Finding Support

By Daniel Botllin Ou tLines: On Being a Gay Father

By Allan Arnaboldi GBQ Resources Notes from Survivors: Using the "S" Word

By Cha rlie Hertan Voices of Youth: Take Back the Media

By Elena Botkin-Levy Co lorLines: When Your Partner Has Breast Cancer

By Vernon McClean Men &: Health: Healthy Boys, Healthy Men By j oe Zaske MRC Programs &: Services Resources Thank You Calendar

2 3 4 5

10 '14 15 18

19

20 21

23 24 25 26

ARTICLES & OPINION Father Loss: How Men Cope with the Deaths of Their Dads

By Nei l Chethik Gender Roles: My Sister's Tool Box

By Donald N.S . Unger Becoming Green Men: Men's Work and the Earth

By Michael Dover Mentoring Our Boys Photo Essay by Peggy Gillespie and Gigi Kaeser

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Cover photo: Gigi Kaeser Voice Male is p11blished q11arterly by the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, mailed to donors and subsoibers, and disttibuted at select locations thro!lgho!lt Western Massachusetts.

The mission of the Mens Reso11rce Cen ter of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop mens leadership in challenging all fonns of oppression in o11r lives, ow·families, and ow· communities. Our pmgrams s11pport nien to overcome the damaging effects of 1igid and stereotyped masculinity, and simu_ltaneously confront men's patterns of personal and societal violence and abuse toward women, cltildren, and otlter men.

Membership Th e MRC is funded by individual and organizational conuibutions, and fees for services. Please join us in ow· vision of men healing, growing, ending violence.

Annual subsoiption and members/tip is $25. Send to MRC, 236 Pleasant St, Amherst, MA 01002

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard Street • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 A~ampshire

Email: mrc@valinet.com

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Website: www.mensresourcecenter.org

Voice Male

By Steven Botkin

Director's Voice

In Search of the Revolution

Administrative Staff Executlre Director- Steven Botkin Anoclate Director - Rob Okun Oerelopment btrector - Paul Entis Director of Operation•- Carl Erikson AdmlniJtratlre Anl1tant - Spirit Joseph Men Overcoming VIolence Director• - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoff Clinical Superrflor - Steven Botkin Partner S.rrlcn Coordinator - Sara Elinoff lntlllre Coordinator/Court Llalun - Steve Trudel Partner Outreach Counselor - Mary Dupont Brandt Franklin County Coordinator -Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator- Scott Girard North Quabbln Community Educator- Tom Sullivan Group Leaden - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Eve Bogdanove, Sara Elino/f. Scott Girard, Ste~efferson, Joy Kaubin, Devon Klein, Dot LaFratta, Gary NewcomQ, Rob Okun, Tom Sullivan.

Steve Trudel '\

'\

Hampden County Programs Director of Immigrant and Refugee Progr11111 Juan Carlos Arean Youth Programs Actlrllt Men'• Network - Doug Ginn, Mark Ribble Young Mlln of Color Leldeflhlp Project Coordinator - Jeff Harris

Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor- Michael Burke Senior Editor - Steven Botkin Dnlgner- candid design Copy Editon - Michael Dover. Maurice Posada Support Programs Director - Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators Allan Arnaboldi. Michael Baumgartner. Ken Bernstein. Stephen Bradley, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin. Carl Erikson. Tim Gordon.

Ken Howard. Rick Kapfer. Arne Korstvedt. Damien Licata. Gabor Lukacs. Rick Martin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan.

Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan. Sheldon Snodgrass. Bob Sternberg Board of Directors Chair- Michael Dover Vlce.Chalr - Thom Herman Cler#r!Trenurer - Peter Jessop Memben - Marip Cruz. Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard. Tom Gardner. Ty Joubert, Yoko Kato, Brenda Lopez. She/tie Taggart, Sudhakar Vamathevan Editor's Note Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome fetters, articles, news items. article ideas, and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their foss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by aself-addressed, stamped envelope.

Send to Editor. ·Voice Male, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002.

Advertising For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at (413) 253-9881. Ext. 22.

Summer 2001

Turning Spirit into Actio·n hen I was 19 years old I dropped out of college, put on my backpack and began hitchhiking across the country. It was 1974; a social and spiritual revolution was powerfully calling me, and I was determined to find it. A vision of living at the dawning of a new age of peace and justice had opened up to me, and I committed myself to leaping into it. I believed that somewhere "out there" was a movement of people who were part of this revolution that was rapidly approaching, and I wanted to join them as quickly as possible. My search took me to communes, intentional communities, a Hare Krishna temple, and a stint with the Moonies. While I met many wonderful people and had many adventures on this journey, I did not find what I was looking for.

Twenty-seven years later I still feel the same calling: "It's safe to lean into life. You can open fully to the experience. Go beyond the limitations of our culture. Look into the secret places. Be with the awesome energy.

Share this with others." However, l no longer think I need to physically dash off into the beyond to follow this urge. In fact, every day that I walk into the Mens Resource Center I experience the deep satisfaction that comes from the act of welcoming, honoring, and listening to this call in my life.

I still hold a vision of human beings, relationships and communities based on compassion, connection and integrity rather than violence, fear and domination.

Ho~ever, I no longer think I need to look elsewhere to find others who see the same vision and share a commitment to living into it. So111etimes at the Men's Resource Center I feel like we're kids lying on our backs on the earth, heads close together, looking at the clouds. Our imagination plays upon the changing shapes, and, as we point them out to each other, we begin to have a shared vision, unfolding from the interplay of our connection to earth, clouds, and each other. And then, to my great delight, we begin to figure out how to build bridges from our earth to these visions.

I still believe in the power of a social and spiritual movement that is healing our selves and transforming our society. .

However, I no longer think it is located somewhere else. I see that the "revolution" will happen over a longer span of time, in many different places and in many different ways. I know that the Men's Resource Center is part of that process: the revolution is here.

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It is revolutionary for men to challenge the masculine culture of domination and violence, and for men to join with women as allies in overturning sexism in our institutions and our relationships. It is revolutionary for men to proclaim ourselves deeply sensitive and feeling, and to reclaim the power of our desire for loving connection with other men, with women and with children. And it is revolutionary for an organization in this culture to be proudly gay-inclusive and openly anti-homophobic, as it is to be actively anti-racist and deliberately promoting connection and leadership among men of color.

The weight of the dominant culture sits heavy on so much of our world. The legacies of violence and abuse have left deep scars of cynicism and hopelessness. And yet, I know we are slowly and systematically, patiently and persistently, part of an unfolding revolution-in the minds and hearts of the men who come to our support groups; our Men Overcoming Violence groups and our youth groups, in the communities of western Massachusetts, and in the culture of our world. For me, having this belief means that I am continuing on the journey I began at 19. Continuing to cultivate this belief brings feelings of excitement, hope, connection, adventure and meaning into my life. It is a very good choice, considering the alternative.

How often do you have the experience of finding shared visions while gazing into the clouds with others? How often do you get to join your imagination and passion with others to build bridges of healing and empowerment? I hope you'll consider what difference it would make to you and the people in your life if you did.

CAN YOU HELP? The MRC needs: PC compatible scanner Color Printer Digital Camera Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13 3

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to : VOICE MALE , MRC , 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801 , E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length . Deadline for the Fall 2001 Issue is August 15, 2001.

Eracism?

I'd like to invite you to examine what words you choose to name things ("Becoming an Anti-Racist Men's Resource Center, Steven Botkin's "From the Director" column, Voice Male , Winter 2001) . "Anti-racist" is an impossibility-we're all racist because we are tainted (to the bone marrow) by our racist culture. Therefore, to frame an action "antiracist" is personally shaming and that prevents personal change. But we want persons to change.

So, how about adopting a term I saw spray painted gloriously (graffiti art) under an overpass in Oakland in 1992? "Eracism" it read.

It's that simple. I prefer the more "positive" term (as in: let's hear what we're for, not what we're against) .

Andrew B. Mickel Minneapolis, Minn.

Steven Botkin replies:

Thanl1s for sharing your thoughts. I agree with your desire to have a positive tenn to refer to our work of challenging and changing racism.

At the Mens Resource Center we often think in tenns of the dual nature of our work. For example: supporting men and challenging mens violence, male-positive and projeminist. Both aspects are critical ingredients in seeing the whole picture and developing effective strategies for change. As we have turned our attention more directly to how issues of race and sexual orientation affect mens lives, we have struggled with a similar duality. We are now articulating this in terms of being at the sam:e time antiracist, anti-heterosexist, and racially inclusive and gay affinnative. We are still very much figuring out the language to use to express and communicate these ideas, and I appreciate your input. I'm glad to have you as a colleague in this work

Letter Writing Works I was impressed by the article "Return to Sender: Letter Writing as Therapy" (Voice Male, Winter 2001) for m'any reasons. For as long as I am able to reme~ber, letter writing has been part of my mainstay in life. Each week without fail I write to several people, some every week, others when the mood strikes me. But I didn't realize how much I was doing for myself until I read the article.

For years I have had running conversations with friends and family and realized how important this was to me. I would have great

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conversations and therapy sessions as well. I noticed about five or six years ago how important it was to actually sit down and write these sessions down. I started e-mailing these people, and one by one they requested that I return to the handwritten letter. They said that I was not the same in the e-mails as in the letters. I was more guarded and it wasn't the feeling that we were having a conversation.

I also found algreat spirit in a woman I took a creative writing class with at the 路 University of Massachusetts through the Labor Management Workplace Education Program that enabled me to freely write my feelings-for three years virtually all these secrets emerged from my soul. Leslie Fraser allowed me to find freedom from some hmrendous parts of my childhood and early adulthood in a safe, secure and nurturing place where fear was just another word. That time opened up a world that at first was very scary but allowed some solitude to enter my life.

My letters became more honest than ever before. I allowed more and more terrible events to surface and the writing allowed me to release and grow from them. I sat down to write a letter to my father, who, for whatever reason, I could not face . Fear, the inability to verbally get through all that I needed to with him-or was it that I was feeling uneasy about hurting this man who hurt me so much? lt took at least a week of writing, rewriting, and fear again in mailing. I sent out 17 pages certified mail in September of 1999; I never heard from him for three months. But I had done it. I put away the hate. He was a shell of a man and he didn't have the control over me any longer. It's funny; I don't hate him anymore. I feel bad for him.

So if there are any doubts that this article is true, I am here to say it works, or at least it did for me. I needed to express how I felt.

Thank you.

Peter 5. Baumann Greenfield, Mass.

Camper Beware Very soon, tens of thousands of our children will leave their homes for summer camps. The vast majority will return safely Some will be shattered. No one knows how many because no one in Massachusetts keeps a record of sexual assaults in summer camps.

To find out, we sent out 6,000 questionnaires

across the state. We received reports, mainly from police chiefs, of over 100 children raped or sexually assaulted in a Massachusetts summer camp during the past 15 years. This averages to at least one child every other week of every camping season.

What can you do to protect your child?

Here are three suggestions:

1. Ask to see the camp's written policy on sexual abuse. Is it enforced?

2. Talk to your child. Tell him or her "It's not OK; you can say no." Then, if a counselor or older camper says "It's OK; I've done it with lots of kids; I promise," your child will remember your words.

3. Listen to your child. If he or she acts or talks strange, don't write it off to "camp talk."

Find out what is going on.

In Massachusetts, the standards for care of children in summer camps are written by the Division of Community Sanitation, Department of Public Health. By far, the strongest protection they could give a child would be to inform his or her parents of the risk of sexual assault in camp and preventive steps like those just mentioned .. DPH could do this by inserting a notice in every camp brochure. Parents would then be able to review this information with their child in the most appropriate manner. As DPH must know, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. For more information, please visit our website at www.campsafetyproject.org.

Richard C. Rice, M.D. Consultant in Psychiatry Cooley Dickinson Hospital Northampton, Mass.

MRC: Safe Place for Healing To all those who have worked toward the founding and building up of the Men's Resource Center, my sincere thanks. You have provided a safe place for healing and friendships. The friendships I have made through this space have affected my life in unmeasurable ways. I look forward to living a life full of giving. Many, many thanks!

Dennis Bushey Chicopee, Mass.

Voice Male

M~N(®WORK

Ch Ch ·ch Changes Whin is "trans"? Slang for transgender, trans "refers to transsexual, intersex, cross-dressing, drag, butch, femme and all other forms of gender variance. Trans individuals seek gender rights allowing them to present their gender identity as best suits them. Trans is not limited to · individuals who change their 'sex' or their bodies, but includes everyone who desires a greater freedom of gender expression."

So said .Mitch Boucher, an organizer of the Transgender Activist Network (TAN), which held a a one-day conference this spring, Trans-Formations, which brought transgender individuals and their allies together for community dialogue and . brainstorming. TAN is a network of mdt.viduals and groups in western Massachusetts which sees its mission as threefold: to build community within the transgender community; to do outreach and education about trans issues; and to engage in social activism.

The conference, held at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst, the conference included common language exercises, workShops on feminism and the trans community, spirituality and the trans community, multiplicity/fluidity of identities, partner· issues, among others. The Jay ended with action planning on participant-identified themes. In the coming months, TAN is planning a series of community dialogues focusing on issues that arose at the conference. For more information contact Mitch Boucher at ( 413) 545-4824 or visit the TAN website: www.geocities.com/tranactive.

Boys & Men at Harvard The struggle boys and meri have with the biological and social factors that put them into stress and denial was the subject of a two-day conference in late April at Harvard University.

"Understanding Boys and Men" was attended by 500 people interested in the medical and psychological issues boys and men face. Harvard Medical School's Department of Continuing Education brought 13 leading researchers in these issues together to share their discoveries and insights. Although the intent was to lay out research findings and hypotheses, the speakers delivered a powerful social message as well.

Among the presenters were authors

Summer 2001

and psychologists William Pollack, Will Courtenay, Edward Hallowell, Michael Thompson, and Samuel Osherson.

Topics ranged from brain science and boys' sexual development through violence and emotions to the "Adonis complex" and gender empathy. Nearly every speaker pointed to the huge gulf between what the experts (and the boys and men) know and appreciate about boys and men and the boy code, and the male stereotypes the culture substitutes for the reality of boys and men. · The "men are tough" paradigm, some presenters noted, is deeply embedded in men's psyches and often stops empathy for their situation and negates motivation to reach out for and accept healing.

A message participants at the conference went home with was that in order for therapists and medical personnel to gain an adequate diagnosis and to implement an effective healing regimen , boys and men first have to be led out of this hardened male mold.

Boxer Rebellion Army recruiting is going below the belt in their new campaign to reach 18year-olds. The Army is offering a pair of camouflage-colored boxer shorts emblazo ned with a U.S. Army emblem as a gift for any potential soldier stopping by a recruiting office. Unde r the headline "Get Briefed, Get Boxers," the four-color postcard instructs recipients to bring the card to the meeting to receive their underwear. Apparently acknowledging that more and more men are seeking support and not living in isolation, the card ends with the invitation, "Don't go it alone. Bring a friend and each of you get a pair." To comment on the marketing campaign, contact the Army at 1800-984-ARMY or visit www.goarmy.com/fi ndrecr.

New Men's Health Journal The Men's Studies Press will launch a new multidisciplinary and multicultural academic journal in the winter of 2002 devoted to the subject of men's health. The International journal of Men s Health will publish peer-reviewed papers addressing all aspects of men's health, including diseases and health problems that are male-specific or for which men have higher rates of morbidity or mortality than women; the biological, psychological, behavioral, and sociocultural processes influencing men's health; sexual/reproductive concerns; men's bodies and body image; health concerns of special populations of men and boys; clinical and counseling intervention strategies; marketing to and engaging men in health care; and gender differences in health concerns ..

Multidisciplinary, multicultural, empmcal, theoretical, applied, and historical contributions, as well.as critical reviews, will be encouraged. Original interdisciplinary research and studies that analyze innovative intervention strategies will be given high priority.

The International journal of Mens Health is intended for teachers, students, and professionals involved in the behavioral and social sciences, health sciences, medicine, and public health and whose interest in or whose research examines men's health issues in the broadest sense. Along with regular articles (approximately 6,000 to 8,000 words) , the International journal of Mens Health will routinely publish brief reports (approximately 2,500 words) an~ book · reviews (approximately 750 wonts) .

For more information, contact Dr. James Doyle, Men's Studies Press, P.O . Box 32, Harriman, TN 37748; IJMH@mensstudies.com.

MEN®WORK NEEDS YOU! We want stories, news clips , leads, and ideas .

Send submissions to Men@Work:

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[RESOURCE ' .

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VOICE MALE, 236 N . Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 mrc@valinet com.

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MEN(@WORK Staff of Life: New Faces at the Men's Resource Center Five new staff members and one new board member have joined the Men's Resource Center extended family, and a new position has been created for a current staff member.

Mario Cru:z: is the newest addition to the MRC's Board of Directors. Born in Ponce, Puerto Rico, Mario earned a master's degree in bilingual special education from Fordham University and is currently finishing work .toward a masMario Cruz ter's in clinical social work. He has been an educator for children with special needs for 15 years. In addition. he has worked as a treatment provider for sex offenders as well as in the development . of child sexual abuse prevention programs, cultural sensitivity and awareness trainings.

This spring, Allan Arnaboldi was named to the newly created position of Director of Support Programs, in which he w,ill be responsible for existing and new programs to support men.

A former preschool and elementary school teacher with 20 years experience, Allan has been involved with M~C support groups as a facilitator and participant for four years.

He is a member of the . Allan Arnaboldi Pioneer Valley Gay Men's Chorus, where he is .a frequent soloist. He and his daughter were pho-

tographed and written about for the Love Mal1es a Family book and nationally touring photo-text exhibit on gay and lesbian families. (See "Outlines," page 14.)

Spirit joseph was named as MRC Program Assistant and is working on several projects, including special events, Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) administrative tasks, and Voice Male advertising. Spirit spent .two years serving in the Peace Corps in Gabon, Africa, and most recently worked helping welfare recipients in Holyoke, Mass., to find jobs. He is a dancer and practitioner of yoga and contact improvisation. jeff Harris is Program Coordinator of the MRC's new Young Men of Color Leadership Project, working with high school and college age young men. Along jeff Harris

Eve Bogdanove

with his position at the MRC, jeff also works at Frontier High School in South Deerfield, Mass., where he is assistant to the vice-principal. 路 Eve Bogdanove is a new group leader in the MOVE program.

Eve has extensive experience in the social work field both in Massachusetts and New York. In addition to MOVE, Eve works as a clinician at the Carson Center for Human Services in Westfield, Mass . Previously, Eve was program director of the Treatment Apartment Program for Community Access, Inc., in New York City.

Gary Bullard is the MRC's new Holyoke Youth Program Coordinator.

Gary has worked in Springfield with students at Robert Hughes Academy, as an outreach worker for fathers at Healthy Families, and was volunteer coordinator at the Neighborhood Network Center. Gary has also been a teacher of martial arts, T'ai Chi, and meditation since 1979. He is the father of a 10year-old daughter.

The MRC is excited to have the skills and energy of these new individuals as a part of the organization. In addition , the growth of the MOVE program in Hampden County-ti:J.ere are now two groups meeting weekly there-has led to the organization's establishing the position of Hampden County MOVE coordinator. MOVE veteran and current MOVE group leader Scott Girard was hired for this position.

Scott Girard

Advise and Consent: MR.C Establishes Advisory Board Fifty area philanthropists, civic and business leaders, along with other MRC supporters, gathered in early May to celebrate the newly created Advisory Board of the Men's Resource Center. The reception, at the home of Advisory Board member jack Hornor and Ron Skinn, featured talks by MRC Board member Nancy Girard and longtime Dean Cycon staff member juan Carlos Arean.

The Advisory Board was created to offer the MRC advice on a range of projects and programs including development, 'p ublic relations and programming. The 11 members of the new Advisory Board are: Michael

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Bardsley, Guidance Counselor, Director, Spanish American Union, and Amherst Regional High School and Founder/Host, President, Northampton City Tertulia , WFCR Public Council; Lawrence D. Beane, President/Chief Executive Officer, Radio; Rep. Cheryl Rivera , lOth Hampden Greenfield Cooperative Bank; Dean District; Cycon, Founder/Owner, Elizabeth Dean's Beans Organic Scheibel, Coffee; jack Hornor, Northwestern Chair, Northampton District Housing Partnership; D.A. Elizabeth Scheibel Attorney; Diane Bailey jackson, Dean, 路Troderman, Trustee, jewish School of Education, University Endowment Foundation; Felice of Massachusetts at Amherst; Yeskel, Director, UMass Stonewall Matthew Morse, Owner, Hot Center and Founder/Co-Director, Mama's Natural Foods; Luis United for a Fair Economy.

Melendez, HIV/AIDS Prevention Rep. Cheryl Rivera Voice Male

MEN(庐WORK MOVE in the Cards Last fall, the Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) began distributing outreach cards to reach men who might benefit from joining the program. With one side titled "Is This You? " and the other路"Is This Someone You Know? ", the cards ask questions pointing to different

abuse and encourage men to contact MOVE. "The response from the community has been outstanding," said Michael Dover, MRC board chair, who initiated the p~o-

ject. "We've sent out cards for display in doctors' offices , day care centers , police stations , courthouses, hair salons, schools and colleges , community centers, and many mor~ places." More than 20,000 ' cards have been placed in locations in Hampshire, Hampden, and Franklin counties, thanks to support from the Amherst and Springfield Rotary Clubs, the Zonta Club of Northampton, and Collective Copies in Amherst. "We've gotten help from area domestic violence task forces , the Everywoman's Center, and the Food Bank of Western Massachusetts in getting the word out and placing the cards ," said Dover, "and the University of Massachusetts and Amherst College are using them to educate students and residence hall staff about abusive behavior." The project has gotten coverage in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, the Springfield Sunday Republican, and The Collegian , the student daily a't UMass.

This May, Baystate Health System contributed printing for an additional 20,000 cards and began displaying them in

their hospitals. The Rotary Club of Amherst has contributed additional funds to help with distribution.

Anyone wishing to display the cards or place them in their communities can cone tact Michael Dover at (413) 253-9887, dt.

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Men Against Sexism: MAN-ifesting Global Justice The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) will present its 26th Conference on Men and Masculinity (M&M26) at the University of Denver, Denver, Colorado, July 20-22 , 2001. With a theme this year of "MANifesting Global Justice: Creating Inclusive Communities/ the Men and Masculinity conference is an opportunity for activists, academics, and any other interested and concerned people ,

Summer 2001

to gather, organize , educate, and work for social justice and gender equality.

The conference will involve three days of workshops, keynotes, cultural events and general discussion on the issues surrounding men and masculinity in the 21st century. Nationally noted speakers and panelists will conduct sessions on topics including fathering , men and spirituality, health and workplace issues, racism,

homophobia, and more. Three all-day institutes on July 20 will include Ending Men's Violence, Undoing Racism, and the 13th National Men's Studies Association meeting.

For information and registration, including a call for presenters, visit the NOMAS website, www.nomas.org, or e- ' mail info@nomas.org

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How Men Cope with the Deaths of Their Dads

Father Loss

By Neil Chethik It was only at that moment that I realized how much I re.ally loved and needed him, and I had never told him. Just before he died, I said, "I love you, Father." He heard me, because he looked up at me and smiled. Then he died.

-Humphrey Bogart

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igmund Freud called the death of his father "~he most poignant loss" of his life. Actor Sean Connery termed it "a shattering blow." Writer Norman Mailer likened it to "having a hole in your tooth. Its p pain that can never be filled." And General Douglas MacArthur, more than fifty years after the loss of his father, still carried his dads photo wherever he went. "My whole world changed that night," MacArthur said of the death . "Never have I been able to heal the wound in my heart."

As men, often our strongest and most complicated relationship is with our fathers. We feel the presence of fathers who have been an importan( part of our lives; we feel the absence · of those who have not. Sometimes we take them for granted. One of the most difficult aspects of tl1is relationship is the fathers death, whether actual or potential, and no matter whether the son has loved, feared , hated, appreciated, or simply not known his father during his life. The specter of the fathers death brings up feelings , memories, and issues that a man may not have dealt with for some time, if at all. For some, their fathers death becomes an opportunity to honor the memory of someone they loved and who shared their life, someone who was a mentor and friend . For others, the death of a father who was absent, distant, or emotionally unavailable brings up the pain of another kind of loss, and a missed opportunity: the loss of someone who might have been that loving teacher, who should have taken that honored place in a mans life.

A new book, Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads by Neil Chethik, explores some of these issues. Chethik looks at men, both wellknown and not, who experienced the death of their father at different ages, from boyhood to middle age and beyond. He then looks at such aspects of dealing with a fathers death as preparing for the loss, different styles of mourning, how spouses can help, and the benefits of therapy. The quotations above are taken from the book. What follows was adapted from the authors introduction. ·

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The death of a man's father. It happens 1.5 million times a year in the United States alone. Yet few people are aware of its pro-· found impact. When a father dies, we often see the sons performing their "manly" duties: arranging the funeral, delivering the eulogy, comforting fellow family members.

Then we imagine these sons going back to their homes, back to their jobs, back, unchanged, to the lives they'd lived before.

It's rarely so.

Michael jordan quit his basketball career after the death of his dad. H. l. Mencken launched his legendary newspaper career.

And the poet Dylan Thomas, witnessing his father's losing bout with cancer, composed one of the most oft-quoted couplets of the past century: "Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

like all rites of passage, the experience of losing a father-no matter when or how it occurs-tests the strength and suppleness of a son. And the son's reaction may surprise both himself and others. In the worst of circumstances, the loss can propel a son

toward despondency and even self-destruction. In the best, it can inspire in the son a new appreciation for his life and move him with urgency to make the most of his remaining years.

My own interest in father-death began sixteen years ago with the most memorable words my father ever said to me. I was 27 years old at the time, between.journalism jobs, living just a few blocks from the small Miami Beach apartment my paternal grandfather had set up after his retirement. It was the first time in my life that Grandpa was close by, and along with meals of pot roast and potatoes, I soaked up the stories of his harrowing childhood in Eastern Europe, desperate emigration, and eclectic life experiences spanning the century.

Then one day I got a· phone call from a

doctor. ''I'm sorry to tell you this," came the voice, "but your grandfather has had a heart attack, and he has expired." I was stunned.

The next day, my father flew to south Florida from his home in Michigan. I picked him up at the airport, and we drove in silence to the hospital to identify Grandpa's body, collect his watch and wallet, and !llake arrangements to ship the body north for burial at my grandmother's side.

Then my father turned the key to my grandfather's home, and we began sorting the material remnants of the old man's life.

We discovered curled black-and-white photos from the early years, as well as key chains, checkbooks, matchbooks, coins, coupons, and a pack of stale generic cigarettes. Working in different rooms, we'd occasionally exclaim to each other about a special find . Mostly we sorted in silence. · We kept at it until the glow of the afternoon sun had waned . Then my father and I collapsed in my grandfather's heavily pillowed living-room chairs, glasses of the old Voice Male

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man's scotch in hand. We shared memories for a while, then grew quiet. Finally, as the room faded into near-total darkness, I heard a guttural groan. At first, I was startled.

Then I realized what was happening. I had never before heard my father cry I rose and went to ·kneel by his side.

After .a couple of minutes, he spoke. "I am crying not only for my father, but for me," . he said. "His death means I'll never hear the words I've always wanted to hear from him: that he was proud of me, proud of the family I'd raised and the life I've lived."

My father then directed his voice toward me, and he uttered the words that continue to resound: "So that you never have to feel this way too," he said, "I want to tell you now how proud I am of you , of the choices you've made, of the life you've created."

Much of the pain that is inherent in father-son relationships dissolved for me in the calm resonance of that blessing. And in the months that followed, I felt stronger and more confident, especially as I restarted my career. At the same time , I had to marvel at the potency of the event that had brought my father, then a successful, 52year-old university professor and psychotherapist, to such depth of grief, and spurred him to a proclamation of a kind he'd never made before.

I soon learned that my father's reaction was not unusual. As I ·reached my early thirties, my male friends began losing their fathers in increasing numbers. For many, it was a watershed event. Some cried for the first time in years. Others feared for their own lives. One man decided to become a father for the first time. Another decided to quit his job.

Each man, it seemed to me, experienced a significant reordering of his inner landscape . As a 48-year-old minister.friend told me: "When my father died, it was as if I had lived in a house my whole life, a house with a picture window looking out on a mountain .range. Then one day, I looked out the window, and one of the mountains was gone."

That image stuck with me. And in 1995, after launching a syndicated men's column, I started writing on the subject of father-death. The reaction to these columns was intense among men, most of Summer 2001

whose previous letters and ·e-mails to me had focused on the intellectual. Now, many wrote with emotion, telling of the "void," the "hole," the "emptiness" that they'd felt after the death of their fathers. Some seemed startled that a man they had once : viewed as invincible could be boxed , buried, or reduced to a feathery ash.

Some of these men expressed a hunger for more information on the subject, so I went looking. I found rich treatments on the theme of father death dating back to the fifth century B.C.-from Sophocles' Oedipus cycle and Shakespeare's Hamlet all the way up to the movies Field of Dreams , The Lion King, and the Star Wars trilogy.

In searching for resources , I also found books on all manner of other losses: mother-loss, child-loss, spouse-loss, job-loss, petloss, even hair-loss. I found no similar writings, however, addressing the specific concerns of modern men facing or mourning the deaths of their fathers. Despite the huge numbers of men affected an~ the gro'Ving interest in the father-son relationship, no psych9fogist, anthropologist, journalist, or other researcher had written a book focusing exclusively on how men react to the loss of this most influential man in their lives. I devoted my energies, and the next few years of my life, to filling that gap.

Woody Allen once said, "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I

want to achieve it through not dying. " Ala~, this is not yet the way of the universe. Until it is, we humans will continue to grapple with how best to cope with the loss of our loved ones. Along with the men whose stories I have presented , I offer my book as a helpful, hopeful companion in that struggle. ·

Neil Chethik is a journalist, professional speaker and workshop leader who specializes in writing about the psychology of men. He lives in Lexington, Kentucky. The foregoing was excerpted and adapted from FatherLess: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads (New York: Hyperion, 2001), and is used by permission of the publisher.

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Dads Unlimited: Finding Support for Fathers Three of us have seriously injured backs. othing humanizes me like my All of us have daughters, and three of us fatherhood. Being with my kid single dads have struggled mightily while reminds me daily who I am, who our daughters went through puberty. All of I've been, and what my real job is here: to us are, apparently, straight. None of us is love, to nurture , to support and protect my particularly angelic . All of us love our kids, special child (and indeed all children!) , intensely. absolutely, open-heartedly. .

Mostly, I think, we are inspired to be But as other dads surely know, it's not good dads because we know personally just always easy. Being a good father, whatever what is at stake. Each of us has experienced our circumstances, can be hard work, and some kind of abuse as children-and, in fathers need all the support they can get. two cases, gross neglect, brutality and torBut where to find it? ture. Several of us live with an acute awareFor two years I have convened a small, ness of the possibility of passing on this · weekly group of diverse yet vaguely typical violent legacy Of course, any father who men from the North Quabbin region, a has struggled with violence in his own life rural area in north central Massachusetts, to wants to believe that his capacity to be a conduct a rather personal discussion good dad isn't ultimately bound by his own around fathering. On one level, this "Dads personal history. But of course , we often Unlimited" support group (sponsored and find that it is. For some of us , these wounds hosted by Valuing Our Children in Athol, are profound and enduring, not easily Mass.) is about improving our lives and our healed. experience of fatherhood. Ostensibly we're here to support one another toward becoming better, more involved and more effective fathers and to chip away at some ~f the prevailing-and damaging-male stereotypes: "deadbeat," "abusive," "uninvolved," "Mr. Mom," etc. On the surface, this Tuesday evening group consists of an intense, personal check-in by the assembled fathers, with me, the facilitator, wedging in pieces of parenting curriculum about conflict, child discipline, communication, and sexuality.

But I think male loneliness and a longing for support and solidarity are mostly what brings our dads' group together each week-that and the shared, gut-level ip.sight that what we do as fathers "really, really matters. Across class and political lines , we're galvanized by this wild idea that our kids have an intrinsic value and a right to good fathering. Early on, this obvi- Author Daniel Botkin with daughter Leylee. ous but critical bond pushed us past any reticence, intimacy taboos or homophobia.

Whether we address it or not, male ~II of these dads were hungry for the anger, "victim thinking," and misogyny chance to speak frankly about their strugremain in our circle in various forms. As gles , to be heard and to receive (and give) facilitator, I'm forever challenged with the honest, loving feedback. choices of where to confront, where to · 1 Our group of six includes fathers in coteach, where to model and where to ignore. parenting, step-parenting, divorced and sinWe operate with an explicit guideline that, gle-parenting circumstances. We range from since we cannot change others, we come 0ur twenties to our fifties. A handful of the here only to work on and take responsibilidads have been married more than once; ty for healing ourselves. Whether any of us two more than twice. We include professucceeds ultimately in transcending our sionals and blue-collar workers, as well as oldest, deepest wounds is an open question. two fathers who are unemployed due to But I have a strong hunch that this work is permanent physical disability. Two of us bigger than we are and that our children live at the poverty line, while two of us represent a precious , fleeting chance to could be considered wealthy. Three of us improve our lives and our children's future . . have been to jail. One is a Vietnam veteran.

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So every week we talk at length about our intimate partnerships, our parenting issues, sex, love, pain medications , probation officers, and our kids' trials apd accomplishments. We often learn that one man's problems are bigger than our little group can "solve." One dad is dealing with the recent sexual abuse of his young daughters by a "family friend." Another, single dad deals with the daily behavioral challenges of an ADD child. These crises and dramas are ongoing: What could the group possibly do to "fix" them? So instead we try to listen, mirror and respond with empathy and understanding. If it's welcomed, we may give feedback, even advice . Then, every so often, we stop sipping coffee, kibbitzing and emoting and listen to the reassuring sounds of four of our little daughters who are playing in an adjoining room full of blocks and toys.

Sometimes, I'm convinced, we achieve insight, emotional movement, and change.

Other times it seems like we become easily triggered, talk loudly and interrupt each other, gossip, tell "gender war stories," analyze, blame, and impugn others for all that's wrong with the world. Then it feels to me as though we've failed. On nights like that, I go home wondering if a "dads' support group" can really have any effect. What else could we have done to help the man (and his family) in crisis? How might we have better focused our feedback , our support and our love? It's sobering to realize that a support group may not always work miracles.

Yet from my own experience, I know that becoming "Daddy" three and a half years ago offered me the greatest potential for profoundly healing my own heart, for re•parenting my own little self and becoming more whole and more peaceful in my own life. And that is a miracle , of a sort. I believe that all men-those living with and fathering children, as well as those without-are engaged on some level with precisely this same kind of healing, whether incremental or monumental. I know this because, week after week, against ali odds, the Dads Unlimited fathers keep coming back to the table, listening, empathizing, and telling their stories.

Daniel Botkin, LSW. is a social worker, teacher, farmer and father who lives in Franklin County, Mass . The Dads Unlimited support group will convene qgain in September at Valuing Our Children in Athol, Mass . For more information contact: dbotkin@valinet.com; (413) 863-8696.

Voice Male

Gender

Roles----------------------------------------- By Donald N.S ..Unger My Sister's Tool Box·

t about 18 months, my daughter was weaned. My wife was being sent to Mexico for almost a week, to assist in setting up a study abroad program, and I opted to take the baby and leave town as welL My sister had just moved to Indiana-to Bloomington; · where her husband (then her fiance) teaches at the university. She was spending the first few months there fixing up the house they had rented, while looking for work in her field . She wanted some time with her niece, wanted me to see the house, wanted to help.

So the baby and I got the full tour, more information about Bloomington than I am ever likely to remember or need, running commentary about the good and bad points of the house, and in the middle of traipsing room to room, a quick stop to look under a table outside the downstairs bathroom.

"How about this? " my sister said proudly: a tool box. I probably saw it in New York before she moved, but repetition is one of her charms. I don't remember the color but the thing was huge, a metal chest that opened up to reveal multiple tiers of compartments, hardware of all shapes and sizes, nuts and bolts and nails, mollies and lead sinks, washers and screws; tools stacked lower in the main compartment, hand tools and power tools, some new, some old, everything organized well enough to indicate thought, with enough disarray to reveal regular use . Not a display case or a prop; part of her day-to-day life.

My sister had a little. trouble choosing between her frustration at the amount of work the house had required and her pride at having done most of it herself.

The baby peered inside the box and then moved on.

I have to assume that my sister's attitude about home maintenance and repair-that, of course, you do most of it yourself, that recourse to outside help is an admission of failure and a waste of money-came from what she absorbed growing up. My father attended public school in New York City during a period in which students, boys at least, generally graduated with the rudimentary skills you would need to build a house; my uncle is· an artist who could as easily have been an _ engineer. I'm hard pressed to remember a half dozen occasions during my childhood when someone was actually hired to fix anything in our house. My father-by no means a gender radical-valued com-

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Summer 2001

petence above most other things, a commitment that easily trumped whatever feelings he might have had about traditional roles: if I was a regular witness to his attempts to tame the house, my sister was too; he would not have thought her gender a good enough excuse to make her unable to deal with her environment.

We grew up in the '60s and '70s, a transitional period culturally, one during which progress was steady but often clumsy. The erosion of gender stereotypes and roles-work that accelerated then but is by no means finished even now-was a matter of ongoing contention. And while the backlash was often offensive, some of the more progressive propaganda was unintentionally silly and counterproductive. When I think back to the books that attempted to show women in nontraditional roles, in my mind, I always punctuate them in stilted fashion: "Of. Course. Women. Can. Be. Welders. Anyone. Can. Do. Anything."

Smile stiffly. Nod with conviction. I always felt those books were a particular . insult to the children whose horizons they were supposed to be broadening.

Couldn't the authors-well meaning b\lt tone deaf-hear how counterproductive this all was? A woman doing manual labor was an odd thing, the subtext screamed. In the same vein, it was offensive when they showcased Latino doctors and African-American lawyers: Would · you ever say, "Look. A. White.

Doctor."?

Just show it, I wanted to tell them all-a writer, editor, and cultural critic even then. Lean on it a little less and they'll absorb it more naturally.

And so, for my daughter, I don't want to highlight things and preach to her about possibilities. All she has to do is look around. She has three grandmothers-we're a modern family-a nurse, an artist, and a physics professor. One of her aunts is an actress; my sister is, among other things, a bilingual social worker.

As for my sister's tool box: Let it sit there under the table outside her bathroom. Let it speak for itself. My daughter will understand. Of course people maintain and repair their houses. What could be more natural?

Donald N. 5. Unger is a political commentator for National Public Radio affiliate WFCR in Amherst, Massachusetts, and a frequent contributor to Voice Male.

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Men's Work and the Earth

Becoming Green Men

By Michael Dover n Earth Day this year, I was ih Hanover, New Hampshire, attending a memorial service for Donella ("Dana") Meadows. I'd known her just a couple of years, through occasional visits to the cooperative community she"was helping to build. Even in those brief encounters I knew her to be a kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic, curious, open-hearted person, someone in whose company I could always expect to take pleasure.

Dana also was a giant of the environmental community. Co-author of the seminal 1972 book The Limits to Growth and its follow-up 20 years later, Beyond the Limits, she helped define the issues of the global environment.

And through her syndicated column "The Global Citizen" she reached millions with her intelligence and passion for the preservation of the planet. She died in February, less than a month before her 60th birthday.

Since then, the sense of loss being expressed from around the world has been profound.

As I sat there hearing the tributes and stories , a welter of emotions ran through me, feeling of course the loss of someone I wish I'd gotten to know better, but also examining my own life, past and present.

Before retiring in 1995, I spent over 20 years as an environmental scientist and policy analyst. I left the field frustrated and disappointed, with little sense of. lasting accomplishment on which to look back . I've since devoted my time to the Men's Resource Center and the social change the organization tries to bring about. In my brief tenure here, I feel I've done more to bring my work and my ideals together than I was ever able to do in my professional career. But Dana's death led me to ask myself again: What am I doing for the Earth? And that question pointed me to another: What does men's work-especially as it happens at the Men's Resource Center-have to do with saving the environment?

More than anything, men's work means the struggle to overcome old stereotypes and oppressive structures. That notion applies equally well to stopping violence

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against women , ending racism and homophobia, and restoring the wo rld's ecological systems. The link among all these goals is the need for men to play a critical role in countering the cultures of domination and in creating instead a cultu re of connection .

Men have historically been the leaders in the domination of people and of nature, and men of today can and should take leadership in showing the male population as a whole that those patterns cannot continue.

The best of pro-feminist men's work has entailed self-examination, self-discovery, and openness to change: processes that offer direct parallels to creating new paradigms for the new "green man. " For me, these paradigms take shape in the following challenges for men: Be in f eelings. Begin where we all need to begin, in your own heart. Rediscover awe and wonder in the di ve rsity and complexity of life. Give space for your love of the world around you and your outrage at the threats to its existence. Let go of your capacity to rationalize those th reats away as "necessary," "inevitable," or "acceptable. " Experience the feelings and intui tions of others as deeply as your own.

Seek and gro w conn ection. As boys grow into men , we are taught to isolate , to compartmentalize, to dissect. .;This is equally true for how we examine the wo rld and how we treat ourselves. The real wo rld is just the opposite. Life occurs only in connection with other life. We think we see individual trees as we walk in a fores t when in fact every tree is connected th rough a

vast network of roots and symbiotic fungi into what can't readily be described as one or a myriad number of organisms . The fox and the rabbit are what they are because of each other; so too the frog and the fly, the bee and the flower. We are no different. Men in particular need to rediscover connection with each other, to see ourselves as part of an intricate web of life rather than as somehow outside of its flows and :g cycles. Only then can we ~ see clearly our role in g keeping that web intact.

-B Listen, especially to c.: â&#x20AC;˘ those whose voices are not usually heard. Men are so often raised to take charge, to have the answers, to "know." .Attitudes such as these have contributed to the problem as much as, or more than, to the solution. Women, especially in less developed countries, often have very different experiences of environmental problems than do men.

Communities of color experience environmental degradation in their neighborhood as another form of racism. Native peoples know that resource exploitation and neocolonialism are inseparable. Those of us who are used to thinking we know how to define problems and seek solutions need to step back and learn just how much we need to learn before we can be truly useful (and then, often not at center stage) .

Question assumptions, including your own. Letting go of knowing the answers also means being open to being wrongeven fundamentally wrong. Wrong from the get-go. Wrong about which way is up.

The holders of political and corporate power (usually men) count on the public's acceptance of their definitions of the situation: We need more oil, not fewer cars; it's owls (or salmon, or ... ) versus jobs; growth equals happiness. More men than women buy these assumptions, "accept" the risks, trust authority. We've ¡got work to do with our brothers--and ourselves--so that we all begin by asking the hard questions and being prepared for uncomfortable answers.

Tum¡ away from privilege and power toward cooperation and compassion. This is at the heart of what I believe men's work to

Voice Male

be. Whether we have privilege and power in hand or merely the promise of them if we play the masculinity game right, it's time to recognize this as a path toward mutual destruction-of planet as well as of soul. As we listen to our feelings, seek connection, listen to others , and question assumptions, I believe we cannot help but move toward interpersonal and societal relations based on sharing among equals rather than benefiting from continued inequality.

For the next challenge, I'll let Dana speak (from a 1993 speech) :

Operate from love. One is not allowed to say that in public anymore. Anyone who calls upon the human capacity for brotherly and sisterly love, generosity, compassion, will be met with a hail of cynicism. Once when I tried to do so , a high government official stood up to say, "Of all scarce resources, love is the scarcest.'' I just don't believe that. Love is not a scarce resource, it is an untapped one.

Honor yourself for what you do, forgive yourself for whut you haven't done-yet.

There's so much to do, and the problems are so difficult and complex. Nothing is en<.; ugh. But no step, however small , is not worth doing. Men's work-loving, generous, compassionate, respectful work-isn't easy. The Men's Resource Center has been at this work for nearly two decades and it feels sometimes as if we've only scratched the surface. And so it is with creating a sustainable world, mindful and in tune with natural rhythms. But it's the work we know we have to do. Dana closed another of her books, Groping in the Dark (1982) , this way: When everyone is so sophisticated that they can't believe it could be so simple to be honest and to care And everyone is so smart that they know they don't count so they never try You get the kind of world we've got.

Maybe it's worth thinking another way as if we cared and we made a difference , Even if it is just groping in the dark.

Dana saw that changing the nature of human relations is essential to changing the relations of humans with nature. For men this is especially true. We can only start where we are, but we have to start.

Michael Dover is chair of the board of the Men's Resource Center and a volunteer in several of the organization's programs aJld projects.

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Gay & Bisexual Voices - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B y Allan Arnaboldi

On Being a Gay Father involved gay dad. I was also fortunate can still recall many of the details of enough to have an ex-spouse who respectmy daughter Dana's Lamaze delivery ed me as a father and as a gay man.

31 years ago. I know many men have When Dana was 12, I came out to her. had similar experiences-but my path as a I had already come out to my siblings, my father diverged from theils because I am a ex-wife, close friends , and a few co-workgay dad. ers, but not to my parents, so I was still At that time , in the early 1970s, gay men and lesbians were just beginning to be more visible , but the lack of visible models of non-stereotyped gay people had led me to deny my sexuality. I had helped to parent two much younger siblings, loved children, and, as an audiologist (later an elementary school teacher), had chosen a career that put me in contact with kids a lot. When I met a nonstereotypical woman who accepted me as a non-traditional male, it felt comfortable to marry and have a child. I loved being a father and sharing the responsibilities of parenting.

While I always knew I was different from most boys and men, I was successful at sublimating my need for emotional and sexual intimacy with a man in order to fit into society and continue my fulfilling father role. But as Dana became more independent, I started to tune in to my needs. I joined my first men's group to find connections with other males, something I had never experienced growing up. I met my first two openly gay friends there and began to explore my repressed emotional side. While my wife and I had mutual love and respect, sadly, each of us felt a lack of deep intimacy in the relationship. We decided to Allan Amaboldi with daughter Dana in 1994 divorce when Dana was seven, and she lived with each of us half-time during the closeted in many ways . I was not afraid of , week. legal repercussions of my disclosure, but I I then began my journey of self-discovdid have concerns for my job, housing, ery to find out what it means to be gayand Dana's and my personal safety. Her and to be a gay dad. The negative images mother and I worried about the reactions and stereotypes presented by society didn't of her friends and their families once they fit with my self-perception, and there were knew. Although Dana seemed to take the no models for gay fathers . I decided to news in stride, it was not an easy topic to start a gay fathers' group , because I didn't discuss. While I had a community of supfeel I fit into the "straight fathers" world portive friends and was even able to be anymore, nor the world of single gay men. "out" in my work environment (an eleI helped to create a diverse group that mentary school!), my daughter did not continued for about four years. I received come out about me to anyone until her much support and encouragement there senior year in high school. and felt good about wanting to be an

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I regret the isolation Dana felt and some of my o~n self-imposed limitations.

While I had a short-term gay relationship soon after I caine out to her, he was not a dad and did not understand my needs as a father. For example, he didn't grasp my need to have regular contact with Dana and to experience her development and. the major changes in her life. The complexities of living in two households and of trying to protect Dana's family image while developing my own positive, gay identity led to the decision for her, when she was 15, to live full-time with her mother and stepfather. That ranks as the most painful decision of my life; to this day I have incredible anger at the society that did not-and in many ways still does not-recognize our value as a family.

After that change, I did have a longterm, gay relationship. Eventually Dana and I felt comfortable and safe enough to be part of the "Love Makes a Family" photo-essay exhibit (a collection of photographs and accompanying text of gay and lesbian families that continues to tour the U.S.). It allowed us to be the model that路we never had. Along the way I have been able to openly support and speak out on behalf of the gay-parent families whose children I taught, and to develop and teach an inclusive families curriculum for first graders.

But it's not enough! Perhaps that's 路 what has led me to work at the Men's Resource Center (MRC), where I hope to support all fathers (and those who serve in that role), particularly tho.se whe have or will come out as gay dads to their children, families , and larger communities. There are many gay men who have so much to offer to today's children. I hope. organizations like the MRC can lead the way in providing ways for them to experience the joys and challenges of being nurturing, involved fathers.

Allan Amaboldi is Director of Support Programs at the Mens Resource Center.

Voice Male

GBQ Resources

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June 24- guests from Venture Out July 29- guests from Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project August 26- guest from T.H.E. Men's Program of So. Vermont The MRC will provide bagels, cream cheese, and coffee. Pot-luck dishes are welcome. For Information: 413 253路9887 Allan Amaboldi, Ext. 10

Summer 2001

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MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER A MALE-POSITIVE. PRO-FEMINIST, GAY-AFFIRMATIVE. ANTI-RAC IST ORGANIZATION 236 N. PlEASANT STREET. AMHERST

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Big Brothers Little Brothers

Mentoring Our Boys Photographs by Gigi Kaeser â&#x20AC;˘ Interviews by Peggy Gillespie The photographs on these pages are tal1en from an exhibit created by Peggy Gillespie nd Gigi Kaeser of Family Diversity Projects to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Big Brotl1ers Big Sisters of Hampshire County. BBBS has been in existence since 1975, and has grown steadily; now serving over '125 children each year from towns all over Hampshire County, Mass .

Children between the ages of six and 16 can be referred by school personnel or l11erapists as well as by their parent (s), but in all cases the parent(s) must support the referral. They are mostly from single-parent households, and the majority come from low-income families. Th ere are more than 100 children on the waiting list, mostly boys, throughout Hampshire County.

After going through an application and interview process, Big Brothers are matched with Little Brothers who share similar interests.

Volunteers are asked to make a one-year commitment (two semesters for students) and to meet with their Little.for three to five hours a week.

Big/Little Brother matches spend time together doing things they both enjoy-shooting hoops, playing video games, hiking, going to museums.

The activities are up to them, with the support of the case manager who provides ideas and access to free tickets and discounts. Anyone inte.rested in becoming a Big Brothe1; or in getting more information about the program, can call the Amherst office at (413) 253-2591 or stop by the office at the Bangs Community Center, 70 Boltwood Walk in Amherst to pick up an application.

Ben Bowditch, Big Brother I didn't really know what to expect when I first became a Big Brother. It was really just a matter of taking the plunge. None of my fri~nds had volunteered for Big Brothers/Big Sisters because most people my age want to be taken care of rather than to take care of someone else.

I'd like to urge people not to worry about their age if they want to become a ~ig Brother or a Big Sister. As long as you're reasonably active and like to have fun , age isn't a problem. After all , the older you get, the more time you have to volunteer. Not all retirees want to go to Florida and play golf! Being a Big Brother has been a marvelous thing for me to do at this stage in my life. It's good for the community and it's good for me.

Kris and I played basketball on the first day we met. After that we've done something together once or twice a week for the past six years. There has never been a problem finding something for us to do.

Luckily, we both like to do the same things.

Kris Newport, Little Brother When I first heard that Ben would be my Big Brother, I was like, "Oh no! An old guy! " He was 74 and I was onlY. 10. When I actually met him , he was like, "Oh, let's go biking." And I was like , "Ohhhhh ... " That was six years ago and we've been together e~er since.

I have a big family and I was smack in the middle so I didn't really get enough attention. My owri older brother was in a foster home. Having Ben as my Big Brother has made me a better person. I'd like to be Big Brother when I grow up to help get a kid out of a situation like mine.

Matt Kozuch, Big Brother I had thought about being a Big Brother for a long time, but I didn't know if I was mature enough. After working as a camp counselor the past few summers, I thought it was time.

My first meeting with Carlos was at his house and we played Frisbee. I thought he was a great kid and we hit it off pretty quickly. From there, it's history! We've been together for one year.

Being a Big Brother allows you to explore different sides of your own personality. You do the manly, fun things together and you also get to share your nurturing side. It creates a sort of balance between both sides of the spectrum .

You are responsible¡for showing a young boy both sides of what he needs in order to grow up as a healthy, fulfilled human being.

Ben Bowditch and Kris Newport

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Carlos Laguer and Matt Kozuch

Each time we're together, I enjoy being with Carlos more and more. We will definitely stay connected for a long, long time. I want to see Carlos right through college and make sure he gets there and graduates. That's my long-term goal. I'm more interested in the long term than the short term. I'd like to be someo ne Carlos can depend on.

Carlos laguer,

Lit~le

Brother

In my family, I have one sister who is 13 and I have a little brother who is six. I'm his big brother. Matt is my Big Brother. He's fun to be with because we get to do a lot of things.

Matt and I go bowling and we play Frisbee. I'm good at throwing the Frisbee but not that good at catching it. Matt is very, very good at catching it and throwing it! Matt is real good at sports. We went canoeing one time. It was my first time on a canoe. The waves were so high that we didn't get too far out in the water. One kid near us fell out of his canoe but the water wasn't too deep. Matt taught me to row the canoe. It was fun. I want to go again.

Mark Ramirez, Big Brother I'm 21 and I'm a university student. I live at home with my family. They all know jonathan and sometimes they do things together with us.

I wanted a Little Brother who had a personality like mine, and I got one.

Jonathan and I are both kind of quiet and shy. Being with jonathan helps me not stress out so much about school. Being with jonathan is a time for me to just relax. It's fun to hang out with someone younger than I am. It's different.

Voice Male

Jonathan Chamm, Little Brother I wanted a companion and I got Mark as my Big Brother. He's fun. We go to Mark's house a lot. I play with his dalmatian and feed it and sometimes we eat there.

Sometimes we go out to the arcade at the mall and play video games. Sometimes we watch movies. ' We rollerblade around Mark's street, and once we went on the bike path for two and a half miles! Then we started rollerblading back. It was sort of tiring, but I really liked going through the tunnel.

Mark and I went sledding once down this big hill. I hit some ice and then I slid and it was like whoosh! I just flew down the hill. It was scary and I fell off, but it was really fun.

After sledding, Mark and I had a snowball fight.

In the summer, we played baseball in Mark's yard. I went wham! The ball went all the way over to his neighbor's yard! Mark jumped over the fence and got it. Phew!

Isaac and I enjoy swimming together, playing basketball, watching movies, shooting pool, and playing Ping Pong. We want to go rollerblading the next time it's nice out. I played basketball and baseball in high school and for my college team last year, and I want to get Isaac involved with organized sports.

I can take Isaac out and do new things with him that he doesn't have the resources for in his family. We have a lot of facilities at the college and I've shown Isaac how to use the weights in the weight room, we've played basketball at the gym a bunch of times, and we've used the pool a few times. I also take him to see plays and visit the museums on campus.

I'm going to Spain for this coming semester, but Isaac and I will definitely write to each other when I'm gone. I'll miss him.

Jose Tolson and Matthew Shutt

Being a Big Brother is a good thing to do because there are so many kids out there who only have one parent and need another adult to spend some time with. It's really hard to be a single parent and I want to help fill that void for Matt. I'm so glad I'm his Big Brother.

Matthew Shutt, Little Brother

Mark Remirez and Jonathan Chamm

Jose Tolson, Big Brother Both of my kids are in college, so being a Big Brother was kind of an extension of my life . I've been Matthew's Big Brother for about five months, and it gives me the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't ordinarily do.

Matt is a really smart kid and he's anxious to learn. I want to try to give him the opportunity to experience some things he might never have done and take him to places that kids his age should be going to.

Matt has a lot of questions inside of him.

Every time we meet, he has another question that he wants to ask me . Hopefully, he will learn all things in life are possible and that there's no problem so large it can't be solved if you deal with it logically, a little at a time. He's got to learn to keep on trying to do new things and not give up.

Summer 2001

Jose and I have gone fishing five times.

The first time it was stinky. Jose taught me that you have to stand sideways like you're swinging a baseball bat. He taught me to cast by counting. After I say, "One, two , three," !let the line out.

Jose is a good fisherman . When he caught a fish , it looked sort of like a rainbow. One of mine was sort of black and on the bottom it was sort of orange-y.

We threw them back in because we don't like eating fish. We just like to catch them! One time we went fishing and my line got caught on the bridge .

I caught a bridge! It made us laugh.

Last week we went to the movies to see The Kid. I was excited to get Jose as my Big Brother because I can do really fun stuff with him and because my mom wouidn't let me watch The Kid. But Jose would. He's funny and nice. He's my friend .

Isaac Hightower, Little Brother I was 10 years old when I first met my Big Brother. It was an interesting time of my life and Ross was fun. He's competitive and nice, and he has a nice haircut. One time when I had a crush on this girl, Ross kept on teasing me because I wouldn't tell her. My real brother and I get into lots of fights, but when Ross and I fight, we're just playing and I'm the one who always wins at least half the time.

I want to go snowboarding with Ross because I've a very good snowboarder. When I grow up, I want to be a Big Brother like Ross because I want to teach my Little Brother how to snowboard! By then I'm going to be going on half-pipes and stuff. I'm going to be a professional skateboarder and rollerblader. I'm cool!

Ross Firsenbaum, Big Brother When I went away to college, I thought 路 it would be nice to get involved in the community that I was going to be living in for four years. I decided to be a Big Brother because I wanted to have an impact on one person's life.

Ross Firsenbaum and Isaac Hightower I think Isaac and I were matched because I said I wanted to be with someone who wanted to have fun and was into a lo.t of activities and didn't just like sitting around and doing nothing. And I definitely got almost more than I can handle with Isaac!

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By Charlie Hertan

Notes from Survivors

Using the "S" Word Is a self-avowed male survivor of childhood trauma, I am acutely aware of how the very word survivor provokes intense emotional reactions in others. When I speak of male survivors, I often sense a palpable discomfort, a sort of vague visceral disgust i~ the listener. As one longtime friend tactfully expressed it, "It sounds a little harsh.j' This from a man who was violated as a child by a trusted adult. But the "S" word makes Ihis skin crawl.

Sadly, identifying oneself as a survivor of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect still carries a social stigma, especially for men. "Survivor" is seen by many as connoting weakness or "victimhood." Part and parcel of this notion is the idea that being a survivor is something to hide and be ashamed of, not something to avow openly.

Using the "S" word runs counter to male gender expectations. Men are supposed to hide their vulnerability. Yet boy and man survivors can't help carrying a gaping wound in their hearts. Childr~n lack adult defenses to cope with pain. When they're abandoned, or sexually abused, or beaten, or told they are worthless by a loved one, they don:t have the power to escape. or make the pain stop. They can't "not take it in." All they can do (usually) is survive, sometimes miraculously, by the power of the unconscious mind to do whatever it takes to withstand the pain. This will vary, depending on the type and severity of circumstances and on the child's inner capacities. Some survive by "leaving their bodies" and escaping into fantasy or numbness; some survive by attention seeking, self-punishing, or ritualistic ("self-soothing") behavior. Some survive by identifying with the abuser and venting their rage toward others with even less power. As the child becomes a man, these emotional inner-pain-tolerance strategies often evolve into substance abuse, sex addiction, intellectualism ("living in one's head"), self-hatred, isolation, alienation, and abusive behavior.

The core defense against trauma is denial.

The mechanism for this is now very well understood. A psychological trauma is an event that overwhelms the capacity of the mind and the self to manage or digest unbearable physical or emotional pain. In a nutshell, when overwhelmingly painful events happen, the self (especially the feeling selO shuts down. Much research has been done on this, first in studying the impact on survivors of disasters such as the famous "Coconut Grove" fire; later in studying combat veterans and survivors of childhood abuse. The findings are consistent and conclusive: overwhelming trauma causes people

to "dissociate," to psychically leave their bodies. This dissociation is essential to survival in such situations; it allows o"ne to avoid having a heart attack, or panicking uncontrollably. Trauma survivors report a detached clarity of thought, "as if I were watching the whole thing on a movie screen." This allows them to act logically, despite pain so overwhelming that it would be crippling if they had to feel it in the present. Dissociation is the mind's "anaesthetic ." People who are unable to use dissociation at these moments may literally die or go mad, as with soldiers who "run amok" or completely shut down ("shell shock").

While dissociation is a vital defense mechanism for surviving childhood (and other) trauma, the problem is that it causes a cluster of lasting and difficult symptoms. The human mind seems to have a need to digest this split-off experience. Parts of ourselves are still back there in the. trauma, until we go back and re-experience, feel, make sense of what happened, preferably in the context of a safe therapeutic relationship (see my previous article, "Cleaning the Wound," Voice Male, Winter 2000). This is why combat veterans remember traumatic battlefield experiences 50 years later "as if it were still happening."

The symptoms of undigested trauma typically include any or all of the following: • irrational anger/rage • self-loathing • despair • "spaciness" • detachment • intense guilt or shame or both • suicidality • nightmares and sleep disorders • eating disorders • depression • headaches • incapacity to feel pleasure • sexual problems • flashbacks • hypersensitivity • relationship problems • recklessness and risky behavior I first realized I was a survivor when I saw these symptoms spelled out in "the survivors bible," The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davies. As I read on, I had the profound realization that these symptoms were not my fault. Instead, they were nonnal responses to overwhelming traumatic events.

But dissociation is not a perfect defense. If we dissociate completely, we become robotlike, losing our essential humanity So denial (a form of dissociation) prevents us from feel- · ing the deep pain of trauma, but we can't totally shut it out. Untreated survivors have a

sense that something is wrong inside, but they can't quite pinpoint it.

In our culture, boys who are carrying a survivor wound quickly perceive the need to hide it. The fact is, we survivors carry a vulnerability others don't. We can't help it. The boy fears, often rightly, that to show this vulnerability will invariably lead to ridicule, further abuse, feelings of inferiority and "unmanliness. " So he learns to hide it-by withdrawing, becoming "stony," avoiding closeness, perhaps overcompensating by adopting a gross caricature of tough or aggressive masculinity.

Unfortunately, it's very difficult to go through life carrying this awful burden alone.

Male survivors who hide their trauma in shame grow up feeling unseen, uncared for, unloved, misunderstood. An awful, painful, yet vital part of their experience is hidden from the rest of the world, and often from themselves. Instead of seeing themselves as human beings experiencing the normal, painful symptoms of overwhelming trauma, they grow to see themselves as bad people.

They may also see others as dishonest, as not wanting to know the truth.

One of the most basic human instincts is pain avoidance. Survivors will go to great lengths to disavow and deny their trauma, because it's just so damned painful and scary This instinct pushes people to find any explanation for their symptoms-other than "using the S word." Many survivors have the painful experience of sharing their trauma with a trusted person, and experiencing rejection or abandonment due to the other's lack of tolerance.

One of my closest male friends had a standing joke with me; he thought I saw survivor issues "under every stone." One day over lunch, he announced to me, "Charlie, I think I'm a survivor." After another year of dealing with this revelation in therapy, he had become sober from a lifelong marijuana addiction and followed his dream by applying to law school, after 10 years doing work he hated. He is now on his way to graduating, and is in a long-term committed relationship for the first time. Of course, the results of "survivor work" are not always so dramatic.

Nonetheless, the profound healing that can occur when survivors acknowledge and work on their pain should not be minimized.

Using the "S" word, identifying .as a survivor, continued on page 22

18

Voice Male

Voices of Youth

By Elena Botkin-Levy

RadioActive Youth

Take Back the Media a five-hour satellite broadcast of youth-prot ~s. eas~ for me:to become disgusted and duced videos. Access Orbit says, Don't critid1s1lluswned Wlth mamstream mediacize the media, make it. This pro-media top 40-radio, TV news programs plugstance seems much more effective. I believe ging Survivor while feeding us sound bites it is the balance of critique and proactiveabout violence in the Middle East. ness that will truly challenge mainstream Mainstream media feed us what they want media and culture and make progressive us to hear, and most of us either just sit change. With this mission, RadioActive back and take it in or tune it out.

Youth had its conception. 路 The criminalization of young people is In 1999, as a high school student, I met often overlooked in the examination of Steve Theberge in a group called Socially media. Most media images portray us in a Active Youth, coordinated by the Men's negative light as negative people, and Resource Center and the Everywoman's almost always these images are created by Center. Through our conversations in that adults. The selection of stories sets young group, we decided to embark on a radio people up as being violent and/or indifferadventure to begin to confront the criminalent as a group, which then allows for further documentation of our apathy: And there are other distortions, especially images of young people of color as drug-dealing, violent hoodlums. 'ret expressing only a critique of the media is the easy way out. It is extremely easy for me to say that I am against the. corporate media, an "antimrdiaist" of sorts. I critique the media for its corporate control, for exploiting women and trapping men in a box of masculinity, for criminalizing young people and people of color, for being the voice only of rich, white, corporate men and leaving the rest of us voiceless and uninformed. Anyone can notice these disparities and post a "Kill Your TV" bumper sticker on their car. But in The author and team in the WMUA studios only attacking mainstream media, we're ized image of young people and to create making no real progress. It is important to new media for positive social change. After support and create alternative and commumeeting with people at WMUA, the UMass nity forms of media as well as calling the radio station, we finally got ourselves a mainstream media out on its heinous ways. monthly show during the Undercurrents As a culture we are obsessed with the time slot (Monday nights from 5:30 to media, whether we choose to participate or 6:30) . not. It is impossible to escape advertiseWe fit right in with Undercurrents as a ments on television, radio, billboards, at sports events, Verizon-endorsed reading literacy plans in elementary schools, or on our soda cans. The images and messages sent to us through the media are extremely effective in their impact. Thus the media is a very powerful tool. In recognizing the media as a tool and a vehicle to send messages to vast numbers of people, it becomes difficult for me to want to throw something so powerful away: Some of us are utilizing tools s~ch as Access Orbit, a project of the Paper Tiger Television collective (PTTV) in New York.

Young people from around the country sent their videos and documentaries to PTTV, where a group of young people put together

I

Summer 2001

public affairs show, and with their theme: to broadcast news and analysis that is . not usually covered by the mainstream media and to give voice to the community: In talking about such topics as domestic violence, police brutality, feminism, masculinity, body image, the MCAS exams, racism and sexuality, and in giving space for local young people to talk about the projects they are involved in and show off their artwork, we strive to counteract the criminalized image of young people as violent, irresponsible, and unproductive in the mainstream media. To do this, we create our own media working for positive social change and put the voices of young people on the air.

RadioActive Youth is committed to giving young people space to voice their concerns and opinions about o].lr society and the issues young people must confront. To have these discussions, we interview and hold dialogues with other young people who are committed to making positive social change.

RadioActive Youth is run and produced solely by young people in the Amherst, Massachusetts area, with funding from the Men's Resource Center through a grant made by the Susan A. and Donald P. Babson Charitable Foundation, and from the Amherst Club and the Everywoman's Center.

RadioActive Youth can be heard every third Monday of the month on 91.1 WMUA from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Other alternative public affairs programming on WMUA can be heard on all Mondays (Undercurrents) and Tuesdays (Making ContacUUpfront) from 5:30 to 6:30p.m. For more information about.RadioActive Youth , visit our website at www.geocities.com/radioactiveyouth or e-mail us at: radioactiveyouth@zworg.com Stay tuned.

Elena Botkin-Levy is a community youth activist and coordinator of RadioActive Youth living in Western Massachusetts.

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By Vernon McClean

When Your Partner Has Breast Cancer t has taken me two decades to write these words. Twenty years ago , my wife, Freda, was diagnosed with breast cancer.

What happened to us during that painful time I have never disclosed to anyone until now. One big reason is that I have tried to be "macho." I have tried to live up to the popular image of what the black American male is supposed to be. But I have often failed .

According to the white-dominated, white-owned media, I am supposed to be "strong." I am not supposed to cry. I must be able to handle any adversity. But that is a lot to ask of a balding, skinny, West Indian black man who is insecure about his own masculinity.

The black community, unfortunately, has similar expectations of black men. Sadly, it's not only Madison Avenue and Hollywood, not only white folks , but also us black folks who perpetuate the myth that the black man is strong and "can take it like a man."

Twenty years ago, it was quite a troubled time in our marriage; my wife and I had been separated for several years. When we attempted to reunite, my wife was suddenly diagnosed with breast cancer. It was obviously a terrible time for her, and it was a difficult time for me; this article is mainly about how I-a black male, dealt with my partner's cancer. For too long I have avoided the subject: It is too painful. It is too painful for me, who did not experience the cancer directly; much less for my wife, a survivor of this deadly disease.

She discovered a lump in her breast during foreplay. When she came home from the doctor's office and told me she had breast cancer, things between 路us became difficult. In addition to raising our two children, a baby boy and a 10-year-old girl, there was the problem of managing the household. We had recently purchased a home in the "good section" of Newark, New jersey, and I was busy trying to keep up with the mortgage payments while working on my own career as a professor in the then-controversial field of AfricanAmerican Studies. I was also, of course, dealing with everyday white racism.

I generally did not get along well with my mother-in-law. But this period was the only time, she later told me, that she was proud that her daughter had me in her life.

She was proud, she said, of the way I "handled" the disease.

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20

But what she didn't know is that often I would go alone to the basement of our home and cry. I couldn't show my feelings-! still have difficulty with publicly displaying my emotions, despite the fact that I teach a course on Ra'cism, Sexism, and Homophobia at a New jersey state college. It's fairly easy to teach that we, as men, should be open with our emotions; but it's another thing entirely to practice what we preach and teach. I am as open as I can be with my students, and I tell them that this openness is the ideal for which I strive. And that, like them, I am forever struggling to reach it.

Fortunately, my wife survived her ordeal. So did I, and so did we. But recently,

she do? This was twenty years ago, remember, and sex education was not taught in the Catholic schools my children attendedor in my home, for that matter, either.

That night I went to the basement once again and cried.

I called my friends in the Women's Studies Department at my university, and they told me to go to the drugstore and purchase the necessary items. Looking back, it's kind of funny-but believe me, it wasn't funny then. My mother-in-law also came to my rescue. I called my mother and sisters in the Caribbean, and they too helped me with my daughter's "female problem." Once again we all survived.

The point of all this is that breast cancer, the scourge of so many women, also has an effect on us men, particularly as husbands and fathers . I don't know what lessons or comfort I can give to other brothers who are dealing with the impact of this disease. I can only ask you to realize that your pain, 路 valid as it is, is less than one-tenth of one percent of the pain that your partner is Freda and daughter Malaika McClean going through. I would also reassure you that your partner will not think you are my two sisters in the Caribbean were diag"less than a man" if you break down sometimes, and openly express your pain, fear, nosed with breast cancer too. My cousin Rita had cancer in one breast, and promptly 路 and sadness. I would also encourage brothers in this situation to join men's support had her other breast removed as well, out groups--don't wait until cancer strikes--to of fear that the disease would spread. My mother-in-law also has breast cancer; she help them deal with the daily issues of being a black man in America. was a great help to my wife in coping with Finally, I would advise my brothers to her cancer and all its attendant issues.

Breast cancer seems to be a particular do some reading, and maybe to take a course on sexism and gender that encomproblem within the black community, with passes women's health and women's bodies, some studies showing that black women because you , too, might be blessed with a die more quickly of the disease than white daughter whose menses comes when you women. One reason has to do with late are acting in the role of single parent. It's diagnosis. Another cause is the lack of not easy being a black man, or a single medical care available in the black commufather, or the partner of a woman who has nity. In other words: racism. breast cancer. But we can manage, with the Little, however, has been written about help of each other and our sisters. We will what this plague does to black men. Or any men. When my wife was in the hospital, I survive. came home and dismissed the babysitter.

That very evening, my daughter, Malaika, 路 Vernon McClean is chair of the Department of African-American and then 11 , walked into my bedroom in the Caribbean Studies at the William Paterson middle of the night to tell me that she was University in Wayne, N]. bleeding from her vagina, and what should

Voice Male

M路en & Health ---------------------------------------------By]oeZoske Dads and Docs

Healthy Boys, Healthy Men older boys. fleeting on june-the month holdThis astute, caring doctor acknowledged ng both Father's Day and this year's that he and his colleagues need to do a betth Annual National Men's Health ter job with adolescent boys, to assume a Week-I am prompted to share a recent experience that got me thinking about chil- key role during their physiological transition years from boys to men. They need to dren's health. This is a change , as much of help boys internalize a sense of purpose to my work during these past eight years has preventive health, and to establish a sense focused on the health issues of adult men. of trust in a physician-as-partner. We I was invited to join a panel presentaagreed that these doctors could use fathers ' tion on the theme "Access Barriers to help, too .

Health Care." We panelists spoke about the Helping young men establish their own usual: cost, literacy, socioeconomic issues, nurturing commitment and relationship to politics, male psychology, varied skills of doctors and other practitioners, etc. During their bodies is a shared responsibility.

Many options present themselves. As with the following Q &: A period, however, an most aspects of parenting, modeling is cruinteresting insight arose. One of my fellow cial. panelists-a pediatrician-and I began discussing how males, after being cared for as young boys by pediatricians, are so often lost to the health care system until decades later. They return , too often , only after the impact of decades of neglect and harmful behaviors have taken their toll .

This pediatrician acknowl.edged , "We need to do better at building relationships with boys, teaching them about their bodies, and engaging them as partners in a lifelong journey of health." For many reasons, this doctor has my respect, and I took his words to heart.

A middle-aged, modest man, Pediatrician Bert Fernandez, M.D. consulting with patient Ethan Kramer, 1"6 he began his career by establishing a private pediatric office in the poorest Fathers can become increasingly section of a nearby city. This "neighborinvolved in their sons' medical care, from hood doctor" -an anachronism by today's infancy to adolescence. Taking kids to the standards-has not changed. Refusing to pediatrician for routine and episodic care, opt for the medical office buildings that for instance, and using sick time from house dozens of doctors consolidated into work to stay at home when kids are ill, corporations, he now runs the neighbordemonstrate adult male involvement in hood's only such practice remaining in this family health beyond what is commonly once-thriving industrial Northeast city. He's a dinosaur these days, sure , but at the same perceived. And as added bonuses of this participation, men themselves increase time he's a man with a lifelong committheir familiarity and comfort with the ment to helping the poorest, most medicalhealth care system and, in learning about ly underserved children. their sons' bodies, begin to learn more When asked why, he spoke of a sense of about their own anatomy and functioning. community and relationships-"knowing Likewise, fathers can bring boys to their my kids, their families, and their neighborown medical appointments (when approhood." Being in relationship to and knowpriate) , so boys can actually see an adult ing their community of which he is a part. man in a patient role-the role of an adult Yet he admitted that even he rarely sees

Summer 2001

male taking responsibility for his own health and physical well-being. This can help normalize the positive aspects of males going to the doctor, countering the all-too-familiar male attitude of resi~ting health care as a sign of weakness.

Further, dads (and moms) can encourage pediatricians and internists to stretch beyond their normal roles and hold positive health- and wellness-oriented events in their offices and the community (e.g., din.ics on sports injuries, advice on diet and strength training, health talks at school events) that would appeal to many boys. Such interactions could help maintain a positive physician image for boys, emphasizing that doctors can be allies-and not just a source of bad news when you're 56 years old. In schools, we can request gender-specific health content , which has all but disappeared as an unfortunate by-product of the past two decades of gender equity education.

What I'm talking about here is culture change: changing the cultural pieces of the medical office, the family, and the community that encourage males-from adolescence onward-to "tough it out" when it comes to their physical well-being, and to remain ill-prepared (in both senses) for the eventuality of medical care.

Knowing how to engage doctors and feeling more competent when it comes to using the health care system are needs men regularly share with me. Gaining those skills can begin with earlier physician experiences, guided by the caring support of our fathers.

joe Zaske is Voice Male's health columnist and a public health consultant who lives in Albany, N.Y. Contact him with your reactions to this or any previous column. E-mail: zoskej@crisny.org.

21

Using the "S" Word continued fro m page 18

can promote one's healing in several ways.

First and foremost, it proclaims the truth.

It acknowledges to myself and others that, yes, as a child, I had an overwhelmingly painful experience that had a deep impact on my thoughts and feelings , experience and identity Does this make me a "victim"? Again, the power of language to define and stigmatize. No, I am nor a victim. Yes, I was victimized as a child. But I have healed and

Call 413 253-2591 Big Brothers Big Sisters of Hampshire County integrated the experience; I survived and learned how to thrive. I still hurt often, yet I am a strong, whole man more often than not.

In my experience, using the "survivor" identity is not a sign of weakness, but rather of enormous strength. "The Courage to Heal" is a very apt title for the process of choosing to brave the pain, to go back and clean out the wound. Acknowledging one's self as a survivor can be the first step on the road to recovery The really wonderful news from all the research on trauma is that "cleaning the wound" in a safe, therapeutic environment really works for many.

So if the shoe fits, go get the book (some men may prefer Mike lew's excellent Victims No longer, a ground-breaking work specifically geared toward male survivors) and maybe try the "S" word on for size. Be cautious about whom you choose to share it with. Calling myself a survivor acknowledges the vulnerability that I carry around with me as a result of having my heart "broken open" by my trauma. This is very personal stuff, and I don't want to share it with just anybody But if I get close enough to someone to really want them to know me, and I feel that I can trust them with that knowledge, I do tell, and I try to educate them about what being a survivor means to me. In this way, I hope to heal myself, and also to do my little piece to break down the unfair and dama(ging stigma of a deeply human experience.

Charlie Hertan is a licensed clinical social worher with a special interest in ~en s issues.

He can be reache,ti at chertan@javanet.com.

22

Bangs Community Center 70 Holtwood Walk Amherst, MA 01002

Hungry?

subway of Amherst offers fresh 6" and footlong subs, delicious salads cmd, for smaller appetites, 4'' round sandwiches.

4 MAin Streett Amherst • 256,.1919 Sunday · Thursday 10 am · Midnight Friday & Saturday 10 am · 2 am

Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES SLIPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group- 7-9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St., Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivo rs of Childhood Abuse and Neglect- Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. ?-8:30p.m. Friday evenings at the MRC. · Gay, Bisexual, c_..., Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation. · GBQ Brunch- Last Sunday of the month , 10 AM- l p.m. at the MRC. FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available -Fathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, ec1ucational presentations and conferences.

Gmup and individual counseling for new and expectant, separateU/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.

YOUTH PROGRAMS · Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM).

Activist Men's Network: College men trained to lead workshops for high school and middle school students on violence prevention, positive masculinity, and healthy relationships.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. · Busic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-manelated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield. · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.

· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available. · Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges , schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

PUBLICATIONS · Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity. · Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local , regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

Interested In A Men's Resource Center Speaker?

A Workshop or Training?

Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887 mrc@valinet.com

Subscribe Now! I Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men . With I your subscription comes news of the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

I I Name: -------------------------------------------------------------- I I I I Address: ----------~----------------------------I I City: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ State: _ _ _ _ Zip: _ _ _ __ I want to subscribe to Voice I I Male and support the MRC. Phone : __________________ _ I Email: ----------------------------------- I I I 0 Other 0$500 0$250 0$100 0$50 0$35 0$18 I Basic Student/ I1 $·---Please consider one of these special contributions Membership Limited Income 1 Mail to: MRC 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002 .J L

YES!

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Summer

~001

23

RESOURCES Men 's Resources Resources tor Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men (on page 15) The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost housing, and transportation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

Children 's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children , with a play therapy room for working with ch ildren. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St. , Northampton . Doors open at 6 PM. Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc.

Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry (413) 584-6599.

I.J1JmJlJ Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships . www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: · ·www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.1OObm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu,edu.au/-gorkin /profem.html

At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom /athomedad The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project: www. fatherhoodproject.org

Maaazines Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon .co.uklachilles /issues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/XY /xyintro.htm Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139 /quitporn.html

Volunteers .NnMJL

Aeadv to Change :Your Life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychotherapy for:

Couples - Families Individuals

413-586-7454

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LICSW · Offices In Northampton

Sam Femiano, · Th.D., Ed,D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse 25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA Ol06<f

AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big BrothElrS in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend . To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.

Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned · Parenthood 's services, promote safe sex praptices, and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413)"253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work, special projects, etc. Flexible schedules. ·.

TEL: 4 13-586-0515 • Fax: 413-584-8903 • EMAIL: PATSAM®JAVANET.COM

24

Voice Male

Thank You! The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization.

We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared .o ur inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a ·g rowing community of support. Thank you.

Office Volunteer: Hayyim Rothman Computer Support: Bill Fleming, Kirk Peterson Donated Space: Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton; Jack Hornor and Ron Skinn; UMass Stonewall Center In-Kind Donations: Joseph Babcock, Baystate Health System, Collective Copies, Dean's Beans, Food for Thought Books, Henion Bakery, Pride & Joy, Rao's Coffee, Sign GrafiX, Mark Summa As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structtual body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock 413.587.4334 A.M. T.A Member

Very Reasonable Rates

Nationally Certified

STATE EMPLOYEES (INCLUDING UMASS AND STATE COLLEGES):

•

GIVETOTHEMRC AT WORK

•

Now you can contribute to the Men's Resource Center through COMECC payroll deductions. Contact your payroll administrator, or call the MRC at (413) 2539887, ext. 13 for more information.

1

M£N'.s

(RESOURCE

\CEMTtRt

\~1:

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

Summer 2001

256-0772

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CALENDAR june 30, 9:00 a.m.-4:00p.m.

Worcester, Massachusetts Finding a L.over for Life Workshop for single, gay &: bisexual men conducted by author, coach, &: counselor David Price, MS, NCC , CCMHC , CAS, CCJS. Cost: $50, including lunch. At: UCC Worcester, 6 Institute Road. Pre-registration required. Information: (978) 632-04 78); dmprice@onebox.com; David Price, P.O. BOX 614, Gardner, MA 01440. jltly 13-21

Allagash River, Maine Men in the Wilderness Canoe trip led by jody Grose to renew your spirit with men. No previous experience required. Safety &: paddling taught. Limited to 14. Cost including food &: outfitting: $650. Information: (203) 7784393; healingbear庐rcn.com; Return To The Fire, 23 Kayview Avenue, Bethel, CT 06801. july 19

Boston, Massachusetts Peaceful Warriors 5th Annual Men's Health Conference sponsored by the Men's Preventive Health Counseling Program (MPHCP), Health Services Depanment. Focus: violence in men &: their families. Open to providers and community. Information: (617) 357-6000 x251; ABCD Health Services, 105 Chauncy Street, Boston, MA 02111. july 20-22

Bangor, Pennsylvania (Pocono Mountains) Leaping upon the Mountains A Men's Recovery Weekend Workshop led by Mike Lew, M.Ed. For non-offending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse &: other boyhood trauma. Cost: $295. Information: www.abbington.co m/smallwond~r/index.html ; (610) 5881793; nextstep@jamaicaplain.com. Registration (required: therapist's letter of recommendation): Kirkridge Retreat &: Study Center, 2495 Fox Gap Road , Bangor, PA 18013; Tel. (610) 588-r793; Fax (610) 588-8510. july 20-22

Denver, Colorado MANifesting Globaljnstice: Creating Inclusive 路 Communities 26th Conference on Men and Masculinity sponsored by the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) &: others. For men &: women &: gender equality. At: University of Denver. Information: info@nomas.org; (303) 6667043; P.O. Box 455, Louisville, CO 80027-0455; www.nomas.org. july 22-28

.

Penobscot River, Maine Father &: Son Adventure Canoe trip led by jody Grose &: Paul Gemme to expand &: deepen the bond. Cost including food &: outfitting: $875 for 2. Information: For other particulars see above, under july 13-21.

Information: http://members.aol.com/sma)tnews/smart-2001conference.htm; S.M.A.R.T. , PO Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027-1295; smartnews@aol.com.

August 11,9:00 a.m.-4:00p.m.

Fitchburg, Massachusetts Finding a Lover for Life For particulars, see above, under june 30. At: Gardner VNA Community Center, 35 Main Street.

August 19-25

Cabot, Vermont Soul Awakening An adult, coed, camping, rite-of-passage retreat to gain clarity &: focus on life &: making changes. No prior camping experience required. Cost: $950.

Scholarships available. At the Helfand Homestead.

Information: (802) 563-3063; Four Seasons Healing, Inc., 340 Deeper Ruts Road, Cabot, VT 05647; www.SoulAwakening.org.

September 8-12

San Diego, California Working Together to End Abuse 6th International Conference on Family Violence.

Hosts: Family Violence &: Sexual Assault Institute (FVSAI) &: the Children's Institute International (CII). Co-sponsors: California Department of Social Services &: others. Open to all. Continuing Education Credits &: scholarships available.

Information: Tel. (858) 623-2777 ext. 403 (Ruth Shepersky); Fax (858) 646-0761 ; fvconf@cspp.edu; Conference Co-Coordinator, 6160 Cornerstone Court East, San Diego, CA 92121 ; www.fvsai.org.

September 12-14

Boston, Massachusetts Also: july 11-13, Portland, OR; August 1-3, Columbus, OH; October 10-12, St. Petersburg, FL; November 7-9, Washington, DC;&: December 5, 7, San Antonio , TX Working with Young Fathers: Building Skills for Practitioners Conducted by The National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL). For practitioners&: program administrators. Limited to 25 . Information: www.npcl.org; mveazie@npcl.org; Tel. 888-528-NPCL; (202) 8226725 ; Fax (202) 822-5699 ; NPCL 2000 L Street, NW, Suite 815, Washington, DC 20036.

September 13-16

Cabot, Vermont Soul Awakening .. A men's camping, rite-of-passage retreat to gain clarity &: focus on life, heal &: make changes. No prior camping requi-red. Cost: $250. At the Helfand Homestead. Information: (802) 5633063; Four Seasons Healing, Inc., 340 Deeper Ruts Road, Cabot, VT 05647; www.SoulAwakening.org.

August 10-12

September 20-23

Windsor Locks, Connecticut 4th Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference Sponsors: SMART (Stop Mind Control and Ritual Abuse Today) &: others. Purpose: to help survivors of ritual abuse &: prevent it &: mind control. For survivors, professionals &: others. At Double Tree Hotel, 16 Ella Grasso Turnpike (near Bradley International Airport near Hartford, CT) .

Cost: $70-$180 (fee waivers available).

Hartford, Connecticut 2001 A Health Odyssey-Exploring the Universe of Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Men 1st New England Gay Men's Healt Summit (NEGMHS).

For those of all genders &: sexual orientations, health providers, community organizers, &: public health officials. Workshops. Cost: $125-$225; students: $90. Scholarships &: community housing available. Secure hotel reservations (at $82.00 per

26

night for a single, double, triple or quad) only before August 30 at (860) 728-5151 or 1-800HILTONS &: stating you're attending this Summit.

Information: (860) 278-4163. Registration: Hartford Gay &: Lesbian Health Collective, Attention: Frank DeFrancesco or Scholarship Committee (as appropriate), P.O. Box 2094, Hanford, CT 06145-2094.

September 21

West Springfield, Massachusetts Working with Men Who Batter: Contemporary Interventions and Research Findings Workshop-seminar presented by Fernando Mederos, Ph.D. &: Etiony Aldarondo, Ph.D. Information: Tel. (413) 827-4224; julie.Bieri@sphs.com; Fax (413) 747-0182; Brightside for Families &: Children, 2112 Riverdale Street, West Springfield, MA 01089.

October 10-14

Boston, Massachusetts Also December 4-9, Santa Fe, New Mexico Gender Reconciliation-Residential Intensive Sponsor: Shavano Institute. Introduction to processes for restoring mutual trust &: providing authentic intimacy between men &: women. Cost: $500-$575 plus $65 per day for double accommodations &: 3 vegetarian meals. Scholarships available. Information: Tel. (720) 890-0336; gender@shavano.org; Fax (720) 890-0339; www.shavano.org; Shavano Institute, P.O. Box 17904, Boulder, Colorado 80308.

October 25-28

New York, New York Healing The Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men 9th International Conference of the National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV). An Affiliate Sponsor: Men's Resource Center. Workshops, seminars, and presentations.

For survivors, professionals, women, and others.

Scholarships available. At john jay College of Criminaljustice, City University of New York.

Information: 800-738-4181; 路 www.malesurvivor.org; nornsv@malesurvivor.org; NOMSV. 5505 Connecticut Ave., NW -#103, Washington, DC 20015-2601.

October 29-30

Scottsdale, Arizona Advanced Gender Certificate Training Program Offered by The Scottsdale National Gender Institute. For professional improvement .i n designing &: implementing gender cultural changes in the workplace. Limited to 25. Information: Tel. (480) 473-0426; Fax (480) 473-0427; info@gendertraining.com; www.gendertraining.com; The Scottsdale National Gender Institute, 4611 E. Sands Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85050.

October 31-November 2

Scottsdale, Arizona Closing the Gap, Scaling the Heights: Men and Women Together 8th Annual Conference of The National Associ<!tion of Gender Diversity Training (NAGDT). Speakers from AT&T, Kodak, &: other companies. Limited to 200. Information: See above, under October 29-30, but address mail to: NAGDT at given address. continued on next page

Voice Male

INTERNAL MEDIATION

I

ln/errud Meditllkm i.1' an e>prniential, internal "inquiry" that is ea.ry to learn rmd to use.

'Jbe simple process helps to ident[£v a problem, and immediately begin to shed neu..' light tmd perspectitJe on thatprobkm. lndit/iduals who have used fnterrull Mediation realize profound mzd lasting changes in their lives. lntemal Mediation is based on 'Jhe Work' of Byron Katie. and 'Jbom Herman is a certifiedpract:tirmer t?f 7he Work. Like Katie, .'!born goes where he:~ itwi~ and aL-;o keeps regular ~{ftee hours in Greenfwld and Northampton. For informaJion on group or indit;idual sessio11s calt:

413.374.1330 email: thomberman@a.ol.com website: tbomherman.com THOM HERMAN

!hom Herman has a ~;•chotherapy jJralice wilh offices in (rreenfie!d and Northampton.

November 8-10 11th International Conference on Sexual Assault and Harassment on Campus Organized by Safe Schools Coalition, Inc. l' articipating organizations: American Federation of Teachers, American School Co•.tnselor Association, & many others. For all concerned. Cost: $295-$330; students: $110$145. For airline discounts at early booking, call1-800-524-1223, state you're travelling to this conference, & give index no. 18181659.

At: Hyatt Orlando Hotel, 6375 W Irlo Bronson Memorial Hwy., Kissimmee, FL 34747 (For discounted room rates call407-396-1234 before Oct. 5) . Information: Tel. 800-537-4903; Fax 941-778-6818; ssc@tampabay.rr.com; Safe Schools Coalition, Inc., 5351 Gulf Drive, P.O. Box 1338, Holmes Beach, FL 34218-1338; www.ed.mtu.edu/safe.

1

•

Wilderness Canoe Trips Men

Father &. Son

Jol\{ 13·21

Jol\{ 22·2S

Experience the renewal of lJOUr spirit Jodtt Gr·ose 203~778~4393 heofingbeor@rcn.com

November 13-18 Boulder, Co lorado , Gender Reconciliation-Year-Long Training 1st of 4 week-long modules spread over one year, offered by the Shavano Institute for (1) professionals & others to develop skills of facilitating gender reconciliation &: (2) those solely seeking gender reconciliation. Cost of all 4 modules: $2500-3500 plus about $65 per day for multiple occupancy &: meals. Scholarships available. Information: See above, under October 10-14.

Please send all calendar listings for events from September 1 to December 31-and beyond-to: Voi ce Male Calendar, mposada@crocker.com with CC to mrc@valinet.com, or MRC, 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, MA 01002; Fax: (413) 253-4801. Deadline for Fall issue: Aug. 6.

Workshops & Trainings for your school, group or businesses Supporting Men • Ending Men's Violence • Building Healthy Relationships Fathering • Masculinity in Transition • Challenging Homophobia

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ME.N'S

Ruouoa :

Com:al'.·

-J;

For fees, to schedule or for more information Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887 Ext. 13 • mrc@valinet.com

Summer 2001

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Finding a Lover for Life ... A Workshop for Single Gay and Bisexual Men Are you looking for a spiritual relationship with another man?

Do you find yourself wishing you could meet other like-minded men?

Are you tired of meeting the same people and having the same experiences?

H this is your situation, you may be ready for this workshop .

•

This .workshop will assist you in: 1) Overcoming your barriers to intimacy with men, 2) Creating incredible energy in same sex relationships, 3) Developing powerful intentions to attract compatible men, & 4) Creating skills to meet and attract dating partners.

David Price, MS, NCC, CCMHC, CAS, CCJS .

Author of 'Finding a Lover for Life' Published by Haworth Press TWO DATES!! Saturday, June 30, 2001, 9 AM to 4 PM UCC Worcester; 6 Institute Road, Worcester, MA · & Saturday, August 11, 2001, 9 AM to 4 PM Gardner VNA Community Center, 35 Main Street, Fitchburg, MA

Fee? $50.00'for the workshop, workbook and lunch.

Please call (978) 632-0478 to r~gister.

David Price, ·P.O. Box 614, Gardner, MA 01440 Printed on Recycled Paper