Voice Male Spring 2000

Inside: • What's So Funny About Anti-Male Humor?

• Co-Parents as Co-Pilots '

• Men and Whtte Ribbons • Beyond Blinders: Battering, Isolation and Commu·nity •Introducing Out Lines: A New Column on Queer Issues

By Rob Okun

From the Editor

REGULAR FEATURES

Fathers' Voices, Men's Choices he issue of fathering is currently being taken up in Congress, where the Senate is debating a version (S . 1364) of a Housepassed bill (H.R. 3073) to provide $155 million in grants for programs promoting marriage and responsible fatherhood. The goals of involving fathers in the raising of their children, of providing financial and emotional support for them, and of being fully engaged parents, are all admirable. But, as currently written, is the bill a step forward, recognizing the expanding definition of family, or backward, toward a more limited vision of nuclear family-no longer the reality for the majority of U.S. households? More specifically, should funds be awarded only to ptograms that promote a homogeneous definition of marriage and family?

Many women, and women's organizations, are viewing the Fathers Count Act skeptically; and the Men's Resource Center is cautiously studying the proposed law. The idea of making funds available 'to teach parenting skills to poor, noncustodial fathers, and to enhance their employment skills so they can get jobs and meet child support obligations, is commendable. So are other intended services, including anger management training, family planning information, developing relationship-building tools, learning money management techniques, and encouraging fathers to spend more time with their children. These sound like great goals--as long as they don't cost women, especially single mothers, any of the hard-won benefits they enjoy.

What's also worth paying attention to is the apparent lack of clear-cut recognition in the Act of the impact of domestic violence on current family configurations. How much focus did those drafting the bill place on the responsibility many fathers must take for currently not being active parents to their children as a result of perpetrating family violence? (Anger management is not the same as batterers' intervention, and is often woefully inadequate if that is the problem a father must address.) While it is true that some mothers falsely allege domestic violence as a strategy in divorce and custody battles (and even one such allegation is one too many), statistics have consistently suggested that these are in the minority of situations.

As the Men's Resource Center has been articulating through our work over the last 18 years, men. and fathers in particular, have much more to gam by building bridges to connect healthfully with women and mothers than they do by undermining trust and fomenting dissent. From our perspective, central to the goal of a Fathers Count Act should be ensuring the health and well-being of children. Fathers have a vital role to play in achieving that goal. Let's hope Congress recognizes that championing fathers should not mean depriving mothers of benefits, denigrating them, or putting them at risk.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Fathers and fathering show up elsewhere in this issue of Voice Male , ~ from Patrick Tangredi$ ~ fresh look at Hamlet's choices ("Hamlet and (§" the Ghosts of Our Fathers," page 10 ); to "My Father's Son," Mel Donalson's moving account of rediscovering the true grandeur of his father's life (page 13 ); to Donald Unger's insightful, fatherconscious review of the book Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (page 18). In addition, there's the latest from the Fathers and Family Network (page 6 ).

How to deal with violence perpetrated by men is the subject of Russell Bradbury-Carlin's timely report on a unique program in New jersey involving the entire community in addressing abusive behavior, "Beyond the Blinders: Batterers, Isolation and Community" (page 16). And from Toronto, Michele Landsberg describes the success of White Ribbon, a Canadian men's campaign against domestic violence, which has feminists both grateful and concerned at a men's organization's ability to raise money in the corporate world to which women's groups have been so often denied access ("Canadian Feminists' Uneasy Alliance with Men Challenging Violence," page ~5).

Redefining male leadership ("The Quiet Revolution," page 12) is the topic of a provocative commentary by MRC board chair Michael Dover, and is related to MRC of Northern New Mexico's executive director Paul Zelizer's inviting essay, "Why a Relational Men's Center?" (page 20). joe Zoske's "Men & Health" column (page 21), Steven jacobsen's "Notes from Survivors" (page 19), and Michael Greenebaum's offering for our new "Out Lines" column, (page 14), all share a belief in the value of men opening up and sharing more of their inner truths.

Finally; Managing Editor Michael Burke raises some important questions for all of us with his essay challenging society's acceptance of "humor" critical of men, "What's So Funny About AntiMale Humor?" (page 8) .

We're always interested in what you have to say and welcome your letters to the editor, articles or reviews, or other comments about Voice Male. We're especially interested these days in locating new places to send the magazine, whether it's your cousin in Chicago, that kickass bookstore in Denver you love, or your uncle's men's group in Atlanta. You can e-mail us at mrc@valinet.com if that's convenient.

Happy Spring!

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From the Editor 2 From the Director 3 Mail Bonding 4 Men@Work 5 Fathering: My Father's Son l3

By Mel Donalson Out Lines: Old and Queer 14

By Michael Greenebaum Book Review: 18 Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works

By Donald N.S. Unger Notes from Survivors: 19 Surviving Being an Abusive Survivor

By Steven jacobsen · Men & Health: Listening for a Pulse 21 By j oe Zoske ThankYou 22 MRC Programs & Services 23 Resources 24 Calendar 26

ARTICLES & OPINION Whats So Funny About 8 Anti-Male Humor?

By Michael Burke Hamlet and the Ghosts of Our Fathers 10

By Patrick Tangredi A New Kind of Men's Leadership 12

By Michael Dover White Ribbon: Canadian Feminists' Uneasy Alliance 15

By Michele Landsberg Beyond the Blinders: Bringing Batterers Out of Isolation 16

By Russell Bradbury-Carlin Do Not Pass Go, Go Directly to j ail 17

By Ronald Lenois, Jr. Why a Relational Men's Center 20

By Paul Zelizer On the cover: Sir Laurence Olivier as Hamlet in the Academy Award winning 1948 film .

The mission of the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and

develop men~ leadership in challenging all fonns of oppression in our Jives, our families, and our communities. Our pr~~rams support men to overcome the damaging effects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men~ patterns of personal and sodetal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard Street • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 Hampshire Community Email: mrc@valinet.com ..__Wiou Website: www.mrc-wma.com -

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Voice Male

By Steven Botkin

Director's Voice

MRC 2000 A Demonstration Project for the Future Administrative Staff

Executive Director - Steven Botkin Associate Director - Rob Okun Business Manager - Carl Erikson Office Manager - George Moonlight Davis Development Associate - Tim Van Ness Development Assistant - Kris Pender Men Overcoming Violence

Directors -Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoff Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinoff Group Leaders - Juan Carlos Arean, Scott Girard, Dave Golf, Steven Jefferson, Rob Okun, Steve Trudel, Dan Williamson Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel Partner Outreach Counselor - Mary Dupont Brandt Youth Education

MARS Program - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente Hampden County Program

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Voice Male

Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor- Michael Burke Senior Editor - Steven Botkin Production - Mark Bergeron Copy Editor - Michael Dover Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Board of Directors

Chair - Michael Dover Vice-Chair - AI Sax Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop Members -Jenny Daniell. Nancy Girard, Thom Herman, Ty Joubert, Yoko Kala, Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart Editor's Note The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff. board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor. articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Send to: Editor.

Voice Male. c/o the Men's Resource Center.

Membership The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees tor services. Please join us. in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25.

Send to-MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002.

Advertising For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at 413-253-9887.

Voice Male

ighteen years ago a small group of men began to create what is now the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, based on the fundamental belief that men~ desire for connection and caring is a powerful force for personal and social change. From the beginning, we saw the MRC as a "demonstration project," exploring what would happen if we lived our lives assuming this is true.

As I look around at the Men's Resource Center almost two decades later it seems obvious to me that we have suc~essfully demonstrated the power of the belief in men's connection and caring. Our passionate and persistent commitment to this belief has enabled us to build something unique in the world today-a vibrant and thriving male-positive, pro-feminist, gay-affirmative men's center engaged in and supported by diverse communities throughout our region.

The power of men's desire for connection and caring is evident throughout our Support Group Programs, our Men Overcoming Violence Program, our Youth Programs, and our Fathering Programs. It is evident in the "organizational culture" that permeates the life of the MRC office every day. And it is evident in our collaborations and ally relationships with women's organizations throughout western Massachusetts.

Clearly, the project is not over. The pain and violence that men experience themselves and inflict on others is one of the major problems in our world today Oppressive legacies such as sexism, racism, classism, and homophobia continue to be inherited and perpetuated by new generations.

And yet, I do believe in the evolution of human consciousness and human culture.

Yes, it is a long, slow, unsteady process. And it is under way. We are realizing that we have the power to heal the pain, stop the violence, and dismantle the oppressive legacy. We are learning the skills to use this power effectively to meet these challenges.

Men's desire for connection and caring is one of our sources of power. When it is misunderstood and misused, the confusion, shame, pain , fear, and denial about this power become a driving force behind our patterns of violence and oppression.

However, as we learn the true nature of this power, we are recognizing that it is something to welcome and celebrate, rather than hide or fear. As we develop our skills in naming and cultivating this power, we build communities and cultures that no longer need the legacy of violence and

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oppression. This has been, and continues to be, the work and the commitment of the Men's Resource Center.

We have created a successful demonstration project of what is possible when men's desire for connection and caring is recognized and developed as a powerful force for personal and social change. Now it is time to reflect on the significance of what has been achieved. It is time to examine what has been accomplished and what remains unfinished. And it is time to ponder how these lessons can be further applied to our lives, our communities, and our world.

In order to move into the next stage of our growth with as much clarity and effectiveness as possible, we are now engaged in "strategic planning" for the future of the Men's Resource Center. Over the next several months this process will include affirming our fundamental mission and vision, assessing the sources of our success, imagining the next steps in our evolution, and developing strategies for manifesting our vision.

We will be exploring such questions as: How do we assess our effectiveness? What is necessary for long-term sustainability? 路 How do we support the replication of this success in other geographic/cultural settings? What are the best strategies for effecting change in the larger culture?

Many people within the MRC community will be involved in this strategic planning-our board of directors, staff, volunteers, members, funders, allies, and colleagues. We want your participation. If you are a member, please return the survey enclosed with this issue of Voice Male. If you are not currently a member, please join us by mailing your membership contribution, and we will send you the survey. We will keep you posted on the progress and outcomes of our strategic planning in future issues of this magazine. Please visit our new web site (www.mrc-wma.com) and let us know if you want a copy of our 1999 Annual Report. l am deeply honored to have participated from the beginning in the creation of this unique and important orgamzation. And I welcome you to join in imagining some of the exciting developments that are yet to

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WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write usl Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.Deadline for the Summer 2000 Issue is May 5, 2000.

Thanks, Guys Men of the MRC, thanks for all your courage, dedication, and hard work towards eliminating violence and increasing understanding and peace.

Jonathan Crawly Gayle Olson Shelburne Falls, Mass.

Chanukah Gelt Dear MRC , We decided to give part of our Chanukah charity money to you . Thank you for trying to help this be a safer world.

Sophie, Misha, and Jonah Herscu Amherst, Mass.

"Boy Crazy!" Cards Are Crazy "Boy Crazy!" trading cards, aimed at girls 10 and up, are dangerous, and we at Dads and Daughters call on the manufacturer, Decipher, Inc., to drop the product!

Consisting of trading cards with photos and detailed personal information about 363 real "boys," the profiles are of young "boys" 12 to 22 who are invited to shopping malls for the chance to appear on a card. A game, web site and web store are based on the cards.

The cards objectify boys, reinforce the

idea that the primary thing for girlsremember we're-talking age 10-is to snag a guy, and encourages girls' competitions for boys. Perhaps most disturbing is the way "Boy Crazy!" normalizes "romantic" relationships between 22 year old men and preteen girls, behavior that, in responsible circles, is called sexual abuse and/or rape. Boy Crazycom invites girls to "moderated chats from the Boy Crazy! trading card game, post messages to other members on the boycrazycom bulletin board; send electronic postcards to friends, and play 'Matchmaker,' an online game matching boycrazycom members · with a Boy Crazy! 'boy"' This sounds like an open invitation for online predators and is shocking coming from the company that makes "Girl Power," a game promoting girls' attitude, spirit, loyalty and pride.

Dads and Daughters (www.dadsanddaughters.org) has already called on the company to stop producing the cards.

Readers who wish.to register their feelings about Boy Crazy! can write to Decipher, Inc. Chair and CEO Warren Holland at chairman&ceo@decipher.com , 253 Granby St., Norfolk, VA 23510; teL (757) 623-3600.

Gone to Carolina Just a note to thank you for sending me the copies of Voice Male. I have shared them with men from the Raleigh Mens Center (PO Box 6155, Raleigh, N.C. 27628) and the Men's Council of the Triad (Greensboro , N.C.). I am enclosing a personal donation m appreciation of all the MRCs work.

Frederick Whitmeyer The Men's Center of Raleigh & Wake County Raleigh, N.C.

Joe Kelly Dads and Daughters Duluth, Minn.

Joe@dadsanddaughte rs.org

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER Yes! Please send me: _

T-shirt(s) Teal_·_ Beige_ Size: _ Medium _ Large _ Extra Large Mugs: Indicate#__ Mouse Pads: Indicate#_ Enclosed is$__ for_ (T-shirts) _(mugs) _(mouse pads) Remember to add $2.50 postage forT-shirts, $2.00 for mugs, $1.00 for mouse pads. Total enclosed: ~-----Please Print Name __________________

Address - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - City/State - - - - - - - - Z i p - - - - -

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Order MRC T-Shirts, Mugs, and Mouse Pads.

All printed with MRC credo: Supporting Men • Challenging Violence Durable T-shirts in teal with black lettering or beige with navy blue lettering Sizes: Medium, Large, Extra Large. 100% heavy, pre-shrunk cotton - $12 plus $2.50 postage Handsome ceramic mugs in turquoise with MRC logo in black - $6.50 Custom-made teal colored Mouse Pads with MRC logo (7'' X 9") Send orders to: MRC Essentials 236 No. Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01 002 Please allow four weeks for delivery.

MEN®)WORK Green Mountains, Gay Marriages?

For some time, supporters of same-sex marriage were hoping the Hawaii Supreme Court would be the first in the nation to legalize marriage for gay and lesbian couples. Opponents blocked that action through constitutional amendment, but the struggle has found a new venue, and this nme the forces of fairness may be on friendlier ground.

On December 20, 1999, the Vermont Supreme Court unanimously ruled in Baker v. State of Vermont that same-sex couples in Vermont are entitled to the same protections and benefits provided through law to opposite-sex married couples. The Court did not decide whether same-sex couples are constitutionally entitled to civil marriage licenses. Instead, the Court • referred the matter to the state legislature to craft a remedy for same-sex couples. The Court gave the legislature "a reasonable time" in whichto complete its work arid also kept jurisdiction over the case in the event the legislature fails or is unable to fulfill the Courts ruling.

Vermont$ House judiciary Committee has held hearings on how to respond to the Baker decision. The committee chair, a Republican, made clear from the start that the issue before the legislature was how to comply with the court ruling, and not whether the ruling was right or wrong.

Other House members, without waiting for the committee to finish its work, have introduced a variety of bills, including bills to allow and to ban marriage of same-sex couples, and to provide a separate system for same-sex couples but supposedly with the same benefits that are accorded to married people. A constitutional amendment has also been proposed in the Senate.

While the amendment has no forward momentum, it puts pressure on legislators to ,go with the "moderate" approach of an alternative to civil marriage. Nonetheless, Mary Bonauto, co-counsel in the Baker case, expressed optimism. "We remain confident that as the Legislature studies the issue , they will recognize that the only way to provide same-sex couples with the benefits of marriage is through marriage," she said.

On Wednesday, March 1, the House judiciary Committee voted 10-1 to advance a bill providing all of the state law benefits of marriage to same-sex couples via civil umon. The only dissenting vote was one committee member who believes the bill.

Voice Male

doesn't go far enough to protect gay and lesbian civil and constitutional rights. At press time, the Legislature had not completed action on this or any other bills · related to Baker.

For more information or to offer support, contact the Vermont Freedom to Marry Action Committee at PO. Box 1038, Middlebury, VT 05753, or e-mail them at vfmac@sover.net. Their web site is www.vtmarriageaction.org.

Meanwhile, Massachusetts advocates for legal rights of domestic partners have been working to devise a strategy for passing new legislation. One result of this effort is a bill in the state House of Representatives that will extend health insurance benefits to include a state employees domestic partner and the dependent children of an employees domestic partner. In addition, this bill-known as Senate 2048--will allow, but not require, cities to extend health insurance benefits to include domestic partners. Supporters of this legislation should contact their representatives as soon as possible to ensure passage. For more information, e-mail alliance®masspride.net with your name and postal address to receive a printed copy of an activist guide to the legislation.

MOVE Expands Services The Men Overcoming Violence Program has begun a new group in Greenfield, expanding its work to three of the four counties in western Massachusetts. In addition to groups in Hampshire County (Amherst, Northampton, and Ware) and Hampden County (Springfield), the Greenfield group offers MOVE services to Franklin County residents in the county seat. The MOVE program replaces the Beacon Programs, which ran a batterers' program for many years. "The Beacon Programs asked us if we were interested in taking _over after they decided to end their program," said MOVE co-director Sara Elinoff. "Since we have been working with many men from Franklin County already, it seemed like a natural next step." The Beacon Programs will continue to offer anger management groups for offenders in cases not related to domestic violence, according to Elinoff. The Tuesday evening Greenfield group is being led by Dave Gott, a longtime batterers' intervention counselor and colleague of the .Mens Resource Center.

In addition to the new batterers' intervention group, the MOVE program is also becoming a presence in the Greenfield District Court. As part of the Domestic Violence Intervention Project, a federally funded project providing early interveqtion to both victims and perpetrators of domestic violence, a MOVE counselor will be available to meet at the time of arraignment, right in the courthouse, with defendants accused of domestic violence. MOVE counselors will provide information about the groups, provide support, and schedule an intake appointment if the defendant is interested. "We think it is important to approach men at this point in the battering cycle," said Elinoff, "right after they've faced a judge, when they might be more amenable to joining a group." With funding for the same service recently restored in Ware District Court, the MOVE Program will also be resuming early intervention efforts begun in 1998.

The Greenfield and Ware District Court programs are being staffed

by MOVE group leaders Scott Girard and Steve Trudel. Trudel, who has worked as a MOVE group leader for a decade, expanded his MOVE Intake Coordinator role with the proSteve Trudel gram at the end of 1999, assuming the role of Intake Coordinator. "Steve is one of our most .experienced group leaders. Having him play a more significant role in the program, both in the court and as the first person ' men talk to when they come to us, is a real. plus," Elinoff said. In addition to those .. positions, Trudel also co-leads a MOVE group in the Hampshire County jail and House of Correction, and leads a basic and follow-up group each week.

Also joinihg the MOVE staff is Dan Williamson, a counselor and educator who works witH youth in Holyoke. Dan is co-leading the Springfield group with juan Carlos Arean and is expected to lead a second group in Springfield or Northampton.

continued on page 6

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MEN(®WORI< From Sun to Father Given the general discomfort with athletes as role models (see "Wilt Chamberlain: Male Role Model?" in the Winter 2000 Voice Male), its heartening to see one former player putting fatherhood and family first. , Last December, Danny Ainge , once a scrappy, hot-shooting guard on the great Boston Celtics teams of the 1980s, surprised the basketball world when he suddenly resigned as head coach of the NBA's Phoenix Suns. The reason? To spend more time with his wife and with his six children, who range in age from four to 19.

"It really comes down to just wanting to make a statement to my family that they are more important than my career," Ainge said.

Although sports commentators and many fans did not believe the former All Star would choose fatherhood over a plum job coaching in the NBA, Ainge steadfastly denied that the team's record (13-7) had anything to do with his choosing fatherhood over coaching. "If we were 17-3 , I'd be making the same decision," he said, citing his responsibilities as a husband and father, roles that are especially important in Ainges

Mormon faith . Leaving the top rungs of the game at the tender age of 40, Ainge evidently decided he wanted to make sure his children$ lives didn't pass him by

Older Men's Group Forming The Men's Resource Center has been awarded a grant from Highland Valley Elder Services to run a time-limited group for older men, ages 55 and up.

If you are interested in this group, or know someone who might be, contact juan Carlos Are an at (413) 2 5 3-988 7.

Ext. 17.

Youth in (Social) Action

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From a radio program to a coffeehouse to a film series, young people in the Mens Resource Center's Youth Program are reaching out. The Socially Active Youth program (SAY), formerly called Life After School, is currently running a· monthly radio show, "RadioActive Youth," at 5:30 p.m. on the third Monday of every month on WMUA (91.1 FM), the UMassAmherst station. "The program is youthcreated and youth-focused," said Russell Bradbury-Carlin, who directs Youth Program activities. "Each month the show presents a topic of interest to youth and examines it through youth voices." To date, "RadioActive Youth" has broadcast shows on high school educational tracking systems, domestic violence,"youth in prison, and feminism in the 21 century SAY also holds a monthly open mike cafe at the Black Sheep Deli in Amherst.

"The open mike gives young people a place to sing, play music, read poetry, or speak out about an issue," BradburyCarlin said. At the first cafe more than a dozen performers participated.

Finally, SAY volunteers have organized a Youth in Film Series. Its focus is how youth are represented in cinema. The films deal with a variety of issues ranging from racism, date rape, sexuality, suicide, and the criminal justice system. Each film is followed by a facilitated discussion.

The next film in the series is Welcome to the Dollhouse. It will be shown on April 4'h from 5:00 to 8:00 p.m. Future films to be screened include: Girls Town on May 2 nd and Hate on june 6th . The films are open to all youth. They are being shown at the MRC and include free popcorn and refreshments. To learn more, contact Bradbury-Carlin at (413) 253-9887, ext. 18.

Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA413-586-9932 Hours:·Monday- Sunday: 9am- 9pm 6

Voice Male

MEN(®WORK Reaching Fathers Social service agency staff working with families are strengthening their understanding of how to reach fa thers through the Fathers and Family Network , a coalition coordinated by the Men's Resource Center. "The Network is an outgrowth of the Boston group of the same name that has been meeting the past few years ," said jack Miller, associate director for programming at the Chil dren~ Trust Fund . Although meetmgs had been staged over the past year m the region , "having the Men 's Resource Center coordinate the program in western Massachusetts makes sense because of their long history of working with men. " Some 60 people have met at trainings over the past several months to learn more about reaching men , male identity, and providing services for fathers, according to MRC associate director Rob Okun . At least two more gatherings will be held between now and the end of June. To learn more contact Okun at (413) 253 -9887 Ext. 20 or e-m ail mrc@valinet.com.

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Anger Problem? Discover Fair Fighting Intimacy Problem? Discover Soul-Merge

Richard H. Martin, D.Min. Psychotherapist, Couple & Family Therapist Editor: A Manual for Support Group Facilitators (MRC) Co-Director of A Center for Transforming Relationships Free initial consultation • Sliding Scale available 8 River Drive, Hadley

(413) 584-7770, (413) 253-3353

Nuture Our Community Support Local Business ~

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Supportin8 locally owned retail businesses gwes your community its unique vttality and keeps the spirit of neighborhoods alive.

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Every Tuesday at HCAC, 218 State St., 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

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Voice Male

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The Last Good Target

What's So Funny About Anti-Male Humor?

By Michael Burke en I was groWing up in the early IXties, it was still common to hear dult men sneer openly about woman drivers." In fact, prefixing ·~woman" or "female" to almost any noun denoting a profession or action was likely the setup for a joke at the expense of women.

Somewhat more subtly, white male sports announcers would say of a male AfricanAmerican athlete that he was "a credit to his race," thinking they were paying him a compliment. That was public speech: in private, far worse epithets were used with some frequency by whites, even in so-called polite company, to characterize women, blacks, Jews, Latinos, Asians,' and others of what we now think of as marginalized groups.

Flash forward to today, when such public group-bashing has become almost extinct, unthinkable to the point that the rare basher usually suffers adverse, even career-ending consequences (remember Al Campanis?

Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder?), and when even in private, offensive utterances and tasteless jokes aimed at particular groups have, if not actually disappeared, at least gone deeper underground, themselves marginalized.

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But there's one curious holdover--{)r perhaps an alarming recent development: jokes attacking men. Men seem to be the last and latest major group on whom it has been unofficially declared open season. It's become somehow acceptable to take a free shot at males as a gender-using stereotypical, demeaning, and even violent imagery And, sad to say, many of the shooters are women.

You've probably heard some of these at work or with friends, or read them among the endless stale detritus tpat gets e-mailed around the country like a virus: "Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it."

"Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it."

"Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them."

"Q. What do men and sperm have in common? A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being."

"Men are like parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped."

Some are worse. One I received headed "Who Said Women Can't Follow Instructions?" described a fictitious CIA test given three finalists for the job of assassin, two men and a woman. All were handed a gun and told to enter a room where their spouses would be waiting and kill them. The two men couldn't do it; one left in tears, and both were promptly dismissed. The woman entered the room where her husband sat and closed the door behind her. Shots were heard, then "screaming, crashing, bangmg on the walls," then quiet. Finally the woman emerged from the room, "wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."'

Some are milder. When Abigail Van Buren recently quoted one of these approvingly in her "Dear Abby" column, about what would have happened if in the Christmas story there had been three wise women instead of three wise men (they would have "asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable,. made a casserole and brought practical gifts"), an irate man wrote in to offer an equally ridiculous substitute in which the women were delayed because they couldn't decide what to wear, had to fix their hair, lost their earrings, couldn't get the camels to work, etc.-and Abby blithely declared him a "typical male chauvinist"!

Is this what we mean by "gender dialogue"?

As a volunteer at the Men's Resource Center, I'm fortunate to work with a variety of men, many of whom are my friends, and all of whom seem to me open, honest, communicative, compassionate, and just. They're not perfect, of course, but they're the men I guess I always hoped were out there somewherenonshaming, nonbullying, respectful of women, committed to making change both in themselves and in society In our MRC support groups, where I am a facilitator, there are nearly equal parts laughter, anger, and tearsbut we don't permit group-bashing, or racist, homophobic, or misogynistic statements to go unchallenged. Moreover, we encourage men to speak from and about their own feelings, rather than rattling on with a litany of "he said, she said" complaints about their spouses or partners.

When I come home from the MRC and read my e-mail, I'm sometimes jarred by two contrasting views of men: the positive one I experience in my life and carry within me, and the subhuman caricature promulgated by

Voice Male

legions of e-mail jokesters. I'm not naive; I know that my friends at the MRC are in some ways the cream of men and not entirely representative of the general population. I know that men have been responsible for some horrible acts, in our time and throughout history: But even most of the men I know outside the MRC-even some I don't particularly likedon't conform to the stereoty-pes I read in these electronic broadsides. And no individual or group deserves to be denigrated and demeaned in the way that men are now being regularLy abused-often by otherwise.good people who don't seem to see the harm or the hurt in what they take to be humor.

What is the function of humor, anyway?

Comic relief goes right back to Shakespeare, after all, and before that to Plautus and Terence, Aristophanes and Menander-and isn't that just what we need to let some steam out of the watch-what-you-say, PC-pressurized society we've become? And aren't menespecially white males, now the focus of evil in the Western world-only getting what they deserve after all those years of putting others down?

I think those are legitimate questions. I'm not sure I have the answers, but let me try: First, I think that the best comedy, like the best art, is essentially subversive. It flies in the face of established norms, and makes crowns rest uneasily on the heads of the powers that

be. Lenny Bruce was before my time, but I think, for example, of Richard Pryor as a truly subversive comedian. Pryor's routines-about race, about sexuality, about class-could make you uncomfortable, maybe even a little ill-but they could also force you to look at yourself and your foibles, black or white, male or female, rich or poor, and laugh. Maybe even cry: Pryor turned his humor on himself first, and on all of us in turn.

Where Pryor was subversive-and frankly, damn funny-the plethora of anti-male cracks being churned out strike me as regressive and reactionary-and whats more, dreary and humorless. Uke the macho bombast of Andrew Dice Clay, they're demeaning to both women and men. They perpetuate stereotypes, rather than boring into them and 路 tu.rning them inside out as Pryor did; and they don't advance anybody's understanding of anything, least of all themselves.

Are men just paying a bill thats come due路 for their (or their fathers') years of not-sohumorous oppression? Is this just a karmic, comic case of "what goes around, comes around," the weak finally getting back at the strong? Thats harder to answer. Men have oppressed women for a long time-by means of putdowns, demeaning stereot}'pes, and ugly distortions . But what happens when the once-oppressed becomes the oppressor, when

the tables turn and the former victim exacts vengeance against the supposed agent of that victimization? The prospect of senseless acts of violence, sometimes deadly, comes to mind. Peace, love, and understanding don't.

And are the scads of anti-male jokes actually concealing something far deeper-ill feelings and resentments still festering between women and men, perhaps a latent unease with the fluid state of gender roles that has not yet been fully explored? Finally, what are we to make of society's tacit approval-the collusion of opinion-makers and ordinary individuals, male and female-of this latest project of degrading and dehumanizing men?

Wheres the outrage? Wheres the dialogue?

Wheres the feeling?

Lets put it all on the table-everything we have between us. Lets have more pure comedy, more subversion. Let's laugh with each other and shed tears, and be outrageous and witty But lets not make men---or any group--the scapegoats for our discomforts around gender, or hide our deepest feelings and fears , our unfulfilled longings for more satisfying human relationships, behind the mask of a "humor" that oppresses as it offends, that demeans and divides us all .

Michael Burke, Voice Males managing editor, is a freelance writer and editor.

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11\ ,

~

Is Something Rotten in the State of Masculinity?

Hamlet and the Ghosts of Our Fathers

By Patrick Tangredi

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PJtghtmare for your constderation: Your father calls to you from the grave. He wants you to do somehing that will change your life mev1 ocably: You must avenge his murder. But if ' you do, then you will become a murderer, , too . You're the introspective type, and not really cut out for this son of thing. Besides, there's no hard evidence of foul play: Also, there are a few complications: The murderer is the new king of the country He's also your father's brother. He's just married your widowed mother, so now he's not only your uncle, but your new stepfather.

End of nightmare? Not quite .It may seem like a lost episode of Twilight Zone, or the plot outline for The Godfather, Part IY, but of course, it's the story of Hamlet, the legendary 1 Prince of Denmark.

It's a daunting play. Shakespeare wrote it 400 years ago, and we're still catching up. In the first act, the ghost of Hamlet's fathermurdered by his brother-makes Hamlet swear to avenge his death, and Hamlet spends the rest of the play contemplating what action to take, if any: In fact he becomes paralyzed in this internal dialogue, ultimately choosing inaction, with terrible consequences. In Shakespeare's England, it was understood that a man was duty bound to accept any oath from his father. We may scoff at the idea, but we're not that different : from the Elizabethans--the oaths today just aren't spoken as much as they are implied.

1 My interest lies in the communication between Hamlet and his father's ghost, and what it may mean to men today, many of whom find themselves still engaged in a silent, but very real dialogue with the ghosts of their fathers.

Something's rotten in the state of American masculinity: Our forefathers, who have "sworn" us to this situation, are in some cases even less available for answers than the armored shadow of Hamlet's dad.

We struggle against the society we inherited from them: we're still living in it, with all its 1 contradictio_ns, abuses, and constraints-and , lt hves wtthm us. Much like Hamlet, we i _ have not inherited the kingdom, free and : clear, that we might have had a right to ' 1

r-

hope for, or were led to believe that we deserved.

When Tom Brokaw's book The Greatest Generation-about the men and women of the World War II era-appeared, I was angered by its insinuation that greatness is lacking in my generation, born cafter that perilous time. Brokaw takes for granted that his "greatest" generation-my father's generation-had something tangible to fight against, while we don't. I do not begrudge that generation anything: they deserve praise for their courage, and they achieved much in the ways of progress, but they weren't forced-and they certainly weren't encouraged-to look inside, as Hamlet must. Their task was to look outside themselves, to defeat external (and very real) enemies, and they did it.

My generation must look inward and face a different, elusive, ghostly enemy: our own unbalanced, oppressive, patriar- Sir Laurence Olivier played chal society: There's Hamlet both on stage and in the movies. no Wehrmacht at large representing racism, gender issues, or the isolation of today's youth to enlist against. The problems our generation must wrestle with are within, and if we don't straighten out our internal conflicts those festering forces will find their own forms of justice farther down the road, not unlike Fortinbras's invading troops in the last act of Hamlet.

Out in the world, you can always tell who the Bad Guys are because they wave flags with swastikas or wear white hoods or massacre entire villages. You can fight them with violence or non-violence, with protests, or with flowers, music, and free love. Our problems are subtler. Where do we aim our protests?

Hamlet had a sword, but he couldn't draw it until he was clear about his course of action. His father's ghost made him swear to revenge. But what is that ghost,

metaphorically, to us? Is there not a specter in our own lives, whispering in our ears to follow certain paths? It's almost silent, and not so obvious. I'll name some of it's terms as they appear to me: racism, classism, ageism, sexism, among others. We didn't invent these and don't want them. Older, wiser "fathers" condoned and propagated them, perhaps as defenses in a world that was based on property and ownership. Our continuing silence implies our acceptance.

Like Atlas, we carry a world on our collec. tive shoulders that is not of our creation. And it's not getting any lighter.

As Hamlet struts about the stage contemplating what to do, how to do it, whether he should do anything at all, and even his own worthiness to live, I wonder, like him, what I'm doing here in the middle of this mess that I didn't make-and meanwhile I'm supposed to revere the people who left

L. t 10

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it for being "heroic." Is it heroism to oppress people, to remove them from their lands, to puild an economic system based on slavery?

Is it heroism to build up a culture where · women feel they must starve, sell, and demean themselves? And where men feel that they must prove themselves through shows of force, or dedication to careers that are soul-destroying, or numb the mind and body?

If I could speak back to the ghosts, I'd say what Hamlet said: "Now I am alone." As a "straight white male," I feel alone in a world torn apart by meartingless divisive categories such as straight, white, and male.

Hamlet had no allies, no true partners in his fight. He couldn't trust anyone. How many men today complain of loneliness, lack of friendships and connection? How many men become paralyzed in the conte!fiphition of their isolation?

In the end, Hamlet, through his delay in taking action, directly or indirectly causes the deaths of the king, the queen, his fiancee (Ophelia, who is not revived), her brother and her father, and two of his not-so-trustworthy school churns (cf. Roseru:rantz and GuildenstemAre Dead) . Hamlet himself dies, and Denmark is occupied by a rebel faction , from Norway that takes advantage of the political chaos in the castle.

Shakespeare-like jefferson two centuries later-suggests that revolution may be needed to resolve such problems as Hamlet faced. Revolution may seem to us a warlike

gesture, but it need not be a bloody one. A revolution is the turning of a wheel. It turns on its own, or we can turn it ourselves. The direction is up to us. At the end of the play nearly everyone lies dead, including Hamlet-a tragic reminder of the penalties for inaction. It may not have been fair to the introspective prince, but his turn came to be an agent of justice, and he let it go too long. To be or not to be; to act or not to act.

Is revolution our solution? If so , where do you and I sign up-and for what? This "war," this turning of the wheel, is, like Hamlets dilemma, internal. Only we can fight it, only we can win it. If we wait too long, our hesitation becomes fatal. And among the casualties will be those who refuse to take action when the action comes to them. The winners will be the silent revolutionaries, who will prevail without monuments, unnamed in history books or play anthologies, having stormed the gates of a castle that is crumbling from the inside with corruption. Hamlet is a tragedy by William Shakespeare. What happens to us is our play ·

Patrick Tangredi teaches theater at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and at Pioneer Valley Performing Arts Charter High School in Hadley, Mass. He recently appeared as Kadmos in an updated production of Euripides' The Bacchae.

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11

By Michael Dover

Men's Lives

The Quiet Revolution

Fostering a New Kind of Men's Leadership here he sits, looking thoughtful and professorial: Malcolm X on a 33垄 postage stamp. And I began writing these words on the third Monday in january, the national holiday honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., pondering what leadership means--for a movement and for humanity. I 路 know that leadership has nothing to do with postage stamps or holidays. but what is it, really? Why do we remember these men, and how can we honor their example?

This is more than a philosophical question for us at the Men's Resource Center: we face the very real question of what mens leader- 路 ship should mean in relation to our central goal of challenging and changing masculine culture.

We often confuse leadership with fame . When we think of leaders, we most often think of wel1-known figures. And some celebrities, especially sports and entertainment stars, find themselves being treated as leaders when all they have done is achieve fame through the exercise of their skills or talents. But, despite the fact that many true leaders become famous, that is not what their lives are about.

Malcolm did not live and die to be commemorated on a stamp. Dr. King did not aspire to having a holiday declared in his name. Mahatma Gandhi did not devote his life to becoming the subject of an Oscarwinning movie. Celebrity, in fact, has a way of diminishing these lives, simplifying them into 1cons, distracting us from the causes that held them and drove them to do and say the things they did-and eventually, to lose their lives in the service of those causes.

Idealizing-and idolizing-them has much the same effect. The leadership they provided flowed from their humanness: their strategic skill, their ability to analyze complex situations, their willingness to negotiate and compromise when needed, and their willingness to change and evolve in their thinking. This is not the stuff of gods, but of fully developed human beings.

Perhaps the best way to examine leadership is to consider those whom leaders lead.

Heeding Gandhi's call, millions of Indians of all backgrounds risked their personal safety, their economic survival, and their lives to march, strike, and boycott their way to independence. Many were killed in the struggle,

T

many more were imprisoned or beaten or lost jobs, but they persisted and won.

Thousands of African Americans and their white'allies took the same risks to achieve political and social and economic justice not only in the segregationist South but across the country. I think, too, of the farm workers who, despite living so close to the edge, risked their tenuous livelihoods to organize, strike, and win union recognition under the leadership of Cesar Chavez. Few of these "followers" were ever recognized outside their own communities, even those who didn't live to see eventual victory. They stayed with the cause at the cost of tremendous personal sacrifice because of their deep belief and commitment.

Their leaders helped them understand where they were going, gave them .encouragement and inspiration, but in the last analysis it was they, in their thousands and millions, who gave their movements life and strength.

Great leaders, such as the ones I've mentioned (I could add Nelson Mandela and Steven Biko of South Africa, Vaclav Havel of the Czech Republic, and Aung San Suu Kyi of Burma, among others), lead not through exerting power over others but by extending compassion-literally, feeling with others-to all who share a vision of justice. Leaders become vessels of that shared vision, articulating it, holding it when others may flag or lose hope. Leaders hold the spirit of the whole, the community, the movement, so that its presence may always be known.

They may provide direction when needed, or they may simply allow themselves to be focal points for people's energies and aspirations, a路place to look when the light seems to be fading within. Sometimes they offer the spark that brings the light into consciousness; sometimes, through their words and actions, they provide the ideas or examples by which others keep the light burning.

But the best of these leaders know that the light is within, that their responsibility is to help bring that light into the open for everyone. Finally, their leadership comes from their own commitment, their need to hold fast to the ideal. They say with their lives,

This is where we must be. There is no other choice.

men's leadership for challenging violence and other forms of oppression. But I can understand if some might be wary of men's leadership, given our history of excluding women and of practicing a ieadership characterized more by exerting power over others than by bringing out others' power to control their own lives. If we are to develop men's leadership, it must be of a different nature from the past.

There will not be a clear moment of victory for this movement-no change of government, no union election, no raft of civil rights laws to say we've "won. " Much of what we want to achieve will be measured in things that don't happen: women who don't get abused by their husbands or boyfriends, young men who don't die an early death from violence, men who don't have to choose between career and family, girls who don't grow up afraid that any male they see could be a rapist. The victory we seek will happen in boys' and men's hearts and minds--how they see the world, how they treat women and each other, how they walk upon the earth. There will be no postage stamps, no holidays to mark these changes. Victory will be quiet-but a victory nonetheless.

Men's leadership must foster the revolution happening within each of us as well as creating the revolution our culture needs to bring about real gender equity, real racial justice, real equality for gay and bisexual and transgendered people. Men's leadership means identifying and exposing the system of privilege that men, even in the shackles imposed by sexism, are given . It means giving up power and pnvilege rather than taking them on . Men's leadership needs to nurture the light within men that leads to trust and connection rather than the suspicion and isolation sown by the dominant culture.

As in the great social-justice movements of the last hundred or more years, we also need a committed "followership"-men willing to speak up , stand up , and take risks for what they believe, together with thousands or millions of like mind and heart. Each man who does so, who says "no" to the prevailing masculine stereotype and ''yes" to equality and fairness, is a leader m his own right, whether anyone calls him that or not.

Michael Dover is the MRCS board chair.

Since its beginning, the Men's Resource Center has been dedicated to developing

12

Voice Male

'

Fathering------------------------------------------------ By Mel Donalson

My Father's Son t was one of those excruciatingly cold New England mornings in 1964. A fourday-old snow had turned to ice as it pressed against my bedroom window. In my 12-year"old sleepiness, I staggered through the dark hallway into the bathroom, hearing the truck's engine idling audibly outside. Peering out, I saw his figure-a dark shadow moving against the white background-his breath clouding the air when he exhaled; his work boots crunching the hard snow with his giant steps; his dark face hidden beneath a knit cap; the upturned coat collar; the woolen scarf wrapped around his neck and chin. One gloved hand guided the ice scraper across the truck's windshield, the other brushed the shavings like a crystal beard from the truck's old, weathered face.

Daddy Moving with a quick purpose, driven by a commitment and a responsibility taught him 35 years earlier in Depressionera Georgia. Daddy A silent gladiator who was stepping once mo~e into the hostile aren~ of the day's battle. Daddy Awake while the rest of the world was asleep . And as he slid behind the steering wheel, driving carefully from the driveway onto the street, the truck was swallowed up by dawn's dimness.

As I returned to the warmth of my blankets--in my own bed, in my own room-! knew that I could go back to sleep, to dream, because Daddy was outside facing the cold.

Throughout the many junior- and seniorhigh mornings that I watched my father go to work, I never told him how that vision affected me. I simply remained in wonder at his iibility to do what he did : keeping the kitchen filled with food ; making the payments on my music lessons; covering the car msurance so I could drive arid profile during my senior year; piling the Christmas gifts beneath the tree; taking me to Boston to buy new .clothes; dragging me to church on Sundays: driving me to visit college campuses on his day off; kissing and teasing my mother in the living room; nodding off in his easy chair in the middle of a sentence.

Perhaps it was because these scenes seemed so ordinary that I never spoke of them, never weighed them beyond my own selfish adolescent needs.

And then at college, away from himwhen his presence became merely the voice over the phone during weekend calls or the name scribbled at the bottom of the weekly letter stuffed with a $16 bill-! thought other men were more significant than Daddy Those men who taught m y classes in polysyllabic words , w.rote articles in journals and explained complex theorems and philosophies. Daddy never did any of that-

I

Voice Male

he couldn't with o~ly a third-grade education. My hero worship made me a disciple to Ivy league scholars who ignited my dormant ideas and dead men whose names were printed on book covers, buildings, and the carrency I hungered to possess.

Then, as I traveled to Europe in my later college years, I realized I had seen more, had traveled farther, had achieved greater distinctions than Daddy ever had. I was filled with a sense of my self-importance, puffed up with my grad-school grants, deluded with degrees anCl. accolades assigned to my name.

Mel Donalson, 47, with his father Wilbert, 69, and son Derek, 13.

Then, I entered the formidable arenathe job, the relationships, the creditors, the pressures, the indignities of racial politics.

And as I reached my late 20s, I looked forward to returning home, talking with Daddy, 路 sharing a ball game, watching an old westem on television, drinking a beer, listening to a story about ~"\is childhood days in Georgia and hearing his warm, fulfilling laughter. I rediscovered Daddy again-not as a boy in awe, but in respect as a man.

And I realized a truth that I could not articulate as a child-Daddy was always there for me. Unlike the professors, the books, the celebrity heroes, the mentors, he was always there. He was my father, a man who committed himself to a thankless job in a society that had written him off with statistics and stereotypes. .

When I reached my early 30s, when I became a father myself, I saw my own father with greater clarity As I awoke in the early morning hours, compromised my wants, dealt with insults and worked overtime ip order to give my son his own room-with his own bed and his own dreams--! realized I was able to do those things because my father had done them for me.

And now, at age 47, with my own 13year-old son, when we spend fleeting 路 moments together at a movie, on a basketball court, in church or on the highway, I wonder what he thinks of me. At what point

will I slip away from his world of important men, and will there be a point when he'll return to me with a nod of understanding?

How will he measure my weaknesses and strengths, my flaws and distinctions, my nightmares and dreams? Will he claim me in th~ name of love and respect?

The desires of a father for his son can be infinite. The journey from boyhood to manhood is often a small miracle. Along the way, a father serves as the signpost, the beacon, the barometer that measures the simple and the mysterious, the sublime and the chaotic.

And if the son can survive one day in the arena as his father did, he'll know that he can face the battle again the next day For that is the nature of manhood. It is not someplace that one arrives at like a scheduled train stop on a cross-country holiday Manhood, like a river, runs true-moving toward its own end, taking its shape and form from the terrain it touches. Like a river, manhood has its recognizable traits-responsibility, commitment, integrity, compassion-but also possesses its own individual qualities.

My son and I are blessed in that we know well the source from where our rivers have come. And in those moments when \:he three of us are together, as I watch grandfather and grandson playing, I am overwhelmed by the ease with which my son falls into laughter. It is a laughter that speaks of the safety and worth he knows in his grandfather's embrace. It is the same laughter I share with them both. Sentimental moments--yes. But moments that are pure and sacred in the joy they bring to the three of us.

Sometimes the simple lessons are the most difficult to teach. Sometimes the most essential truths are the most difficult to learn. I hope my son will one day cherish all the lessons and truths that have flowed to him, through me, from his grandfather. And as my son grows older, I believe that he, too, will measure his steps by the strides I have made for him, just as I have achieved my goals because of the strides my father has made for me. When my son does this, perhaps he will feel the same pride and fulfillment that I do when I say, "I am my father's son."

Mel Donalson is a poet, fiction writer, essayist, and filmmaker. He is a professor of literature and film studies at Pasadena City College in Pasadena, California, and author of a recent book about black film directors. This piece first appeared in Code magazine, and is reprinted by permission of Code magazine and the author. codemagazine@l[p.com 13

By Michael Greenebaum

Gay and Bisexual Voices

Old路and Queer

I am old and I am queer. I suppose that makes me an old queer. Being old and being queer each has its attendant joys and sorrows, but the combination provides a real jolt. Old queers are often dismissed by straights and gays alike.

Straight men ridicule us for being queer; gay men scorn us for being old. So I could temporize; I am 67 , and maybe that is on the ..far slope of middle age rather than the near slope of old age. Perhaps, like Aschenbach in Mann's Death in Venice (the role model for old queers), I could add just a touch of dye here and a pinch of rouge there and be young again. But the AARP thinks 1 am old, as does the government, and who am I to demur? I arnold.

Maybe I am not really queer. My feelings towards women are both loving and erotic.

But so are my feelings towards men. In fact , as a bisexual I have chosen to be queer. A few lines of autobiography may explain why.

As an adolescent in the forties and fifties, I feared that I was gay. Maladroit in the masculine role and fearful around girls, I developed a total and all-consuming high school crush on a boy a year older than I was. The thought of being gay was overwhelming and devastating in those days, but I was utterly devoted to him and quite willing to take the consequences. In college. he found a religion that taught homosexuality to be a sin. So that was that. I never really got over my love for

14

him, but I believed it was wrong for two boys to feel "that way " Besides, the rejection hurt too much to risk falling in love again. I managed to become virtually asexual through college, and then as my friends were all getting married, I decided that I should do so too. I genuinely loved my bride and told her about my early fears of being homosexual. But I was finished with those childish things. I wasn't gay because I couldn't be. So I must be straight.

In the fifties it was as simple as that.

This is a familiar story to many old queers. We get married, raise children, love our wives and, some of us, even enjoy sex with them. If we are Clever enough to fool ourselves, we can pass in the straight world more or less indefinitely But many of us are not that clever; something is nagging at us, some suspicion that we are living a lie, that underneath our veneer of honor and integrity is a center of deceit.

In my case, that deceit suddenly confronted me as a middle-aged man, when a brief sexual encounter with a young man cracked the veneer. With a stunning clarity I remembered that my adolescent love had been, among much else, sexual. More than that, this realization brought elation , not shame . 1 was not straight. Hurrah! I was a sexual being. Hurrah! Late in life I realized that there was such a thing as bisexuality and it fit me like a glove. Hurrah! But I also felt, in my heart of hearts, that regardless of genetics I was absolutely queer and that it was important- so as to wipe out that core of deceitto affirm this路 with pride. Bisexual may be what I am; queer is what I choose to be .

Hurrah I Before the cheering stops, I can add one last hurrah. At the beginning of Plato's Republic, Socrates is chatting.with Cephalus, an old man. After reciting the familiar litany of complaints about being old-mostly due to remembering being young- Cephalus tells Socrates about the delights of being old. For one thing, one is no longer under the fierce compulsions of sexual drives. For another, "old age lays but a moderate burden on men 路who have order and peace within themselves."

Thanks a lot, Cephalus. Your philosophic calm is admirable, but I don't trust it. Those fierce compulsions have a funny way of sticking around , even if one must find ingenious ways of satisfying them. Order and peace are very good things, no doubt, but so is sweet disorder. One of the delights of old age is being freed from the need for pretense, and for old queers this can often release creative energies and unexpected provocations. Our yearnings become delicious in themselves

just because we cannot expect to fulfill them.

Being old and queer and sexual is not a combination calculated to provide the internal order and peace Cephal us prized so 路 highly, but it has its rewards.

Unlike the ancient Athenians, many of today's old queers look back on a closeted life in which the common measures of successfamily, career, esteem- came at a great price: an artificial separation of personal life from the public self.

For some the closet has become a safe and comfortable environment. For others, old age brings an opportunity to break the shackles of secrecy. In spite of a lingering homophobia, it is easier to be gay today than when we were young. Paradoxically, the anguish facing old queers today is as likely to come from the gay community as the straight. With their emphasis on abs and pees, and beauty as a physical rather than a spiritual quality, young gay men tend to be dismissive of their elderly brethren. I wish they would take a p age from the book of their lesbian sisters, who have a more profound understanding of what beauty is and where it lies and who , often, honor their elders by loving them , not just admiring them.

Old queers often experience a yea rning for youth that is itself both sad and beautiful. .

It is sad because we are still sexual, moved by urges and passions we may have supp ressed most of our lives. While we can be more open about them we often realize that our bodies are unable to consummate what our yearnings want. It 1s beautiful because our strong sexual urges, combined with our diminished sexual capacities, are more likely to lead to tenderness than lust, to sexual touch rather than sexual power.

We wonder: W hat might life have been like had we, in our youth, been able to be true to our sexual selves7 For me, at least , that question leads to a surprising answer. I cherish my past, my marriage, my children .

In a curious way, I am glad for the self-deception that allowed me to have a satisfymg career and a loving family. Like many men my age I was able to fool myself as well as others about my sexuality And now that I am an old queer 1 can at last grasp the piece of integrity, of wholeness, that was missing before. Hurrah!

Writer-musician Michael Greenebaum was an elementary school principal in Amherst, Massachusetts for 20 years. He fac ilitates support groups for the Men's Resource Center.

Voice Male

White Ribbon Campaign

Canadian Feminists' Uneasy Alliance with Men Challenging Violence

By Michele Landsberg he chandeliers glitter, the silver coffee pots sparkle, the ice tinkles musically in the goblets, the Royal Yorks canadian ballroom is packed as the good people tuck into pancakes and scrambled eggs--and all this in the name of men striving to end male violence against women.

It would have been unimaginable nine years ago, when a few stalwarts braved the suspicion of feminists and the sneers of macho guys to begin the White Ribbon campaign against male violence. Indeed, attendance at Toronto's White Ribbon breakfast last Thursday vaulted in one year from 300 people to an impressive 1,100.

The occasion was upbeat. Toronto mayor Mel Lastman jovially proclaimed November 25 to December 6, 1999, as official White Ribbon Days. Noeleen Heyzer, director of UNIFEM, the United Nations women's agency, came from New York to deliver an affecting keynote speech, praising the history of women$ activism, saluting the men for thm efforts, and declaring that dayNovember 25-as the first UN International Day to End Violence Against Women and Girls.

Most poignantly, Therese Daviau, mother of one of the young women slain 10 years ago at Montreal$ Ecole Polytechnique, implored the audience to educate their children against violence, and said, "Our girls must not have died for nothing."

The coffee came around again. Jack Laywn, co-chair of the White Ribbon Campaign. reminded us that every man who pins on a white ribbon is pledging "never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women."

All the money raised at the breakfast goes to local front-line agencies: Toronto . Rape Crisis Centre, Assaulted Women:S Helpline, Education Wife Assault, the December 6 Fund, Family Abuse Crisis Exchange, Dressing for Success, Native Women:S Resource Centre, Woman Abuse Council of Toronto and Riverdale Immigrant Women's Centre.

And White Ribbon suffers no shortage of money Of its $250,000 annual budget, it

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gives $50,000 a year to the Canadian Women's Foundation. White Ribbon has a downtown office, four full-time staff members and a new education bureau to distribute an anti-violence education kit to thousands of schools. Shoppers Drug Mart celebrated the breakfast by presenting a check for $20,000. Without a doubt, White Ribbon is one of the more dramatically successful advocacy campaigns on "women$ issues" that I've ever seen.

WHITE RIBBON CAMPAIGN So ... with all this goodwill flowing, why did so many feminists in the crowd choke a little on their pancakes? What made so many of the front-line women from agencies that will benefit from White Ribbons largesse feel guiltily, just a little, furtively, as though they'd like to-well, not exactly bite-but maybe just take one small nip at the hand that feeds them?

These are, after all, the allies that women have needed. We know that all the defiant Take Back the Night marches or candlelight vigils in the world will not.actually stop rape, battering or murder. Every shelter worker, rape counselor and worn-out female fund-raiser in that ballroom had to feel intense relief that these men were taking up the battle.

Relief, too, that these guys got themessage and were ready to acknowledge and

share with the sisters in the cause.

So why that little edge of unease?

I can answer that question. Gazing around the ballroom, listening to the news that White Ribbon groups have sprung up on every continent, I was stunned by the sheer, graceful, effortless display of male power. In 25 years of the women's movement, not a single anti-violence women$ organization could ever have filled a ballroom with so much money and influence.

Education Wife Assault, for example, has worked tirelessly for two decades, in a church basement, with just $70,000 in core funding from the .United Way-and it probably could have slaved away for another 20 years without getting so much as a sandwich lunch from corporate coffers.

Corporations don't give to feminists; they give to guys. White Ribbons success, in fact , is built on the same male entitlement and pride of place that makes lesser men think they have a right to pound out their fury on their wife:S body, the same male privilege that lets men rape their date and get away with claiming it was "consensual."

What's wonderful is that , at long last, so many men are trying to use that male priVilege positively, to stop the steady, underlying thrum of aggression and brutality.

Oh sure, I know that some men who pin on a White Ribbon are reluctant to confront even minor abuses of male power.

They wouldn't dream of challenging a buddy's sexist joke or speaking up against a harassing colleague. .

Still, in the history of the world, it's a minor miracle that a group entitled to power would take the radical step of beginning to shift the balance. Feminists are grateful. A little grumpy, but grateful, and intensely glad to have some brotherly help in changing the world.

Michele Landsberg is a columnist with The Toronto Star where this column first appeared.

It is reprinted courtesy of The Toronto Star Syndicate.

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By Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Men Overcoming Violence

Beyond the Blinders

Battering, Isolation, and Community remain insulated, to see themselves o some degree, we all wear blinders as needing to be the aggressor to cover cenain pans of ourselves. and "in power"-to maintain a Where do they come from? From life behind blinders. our family upbringing, our culture, The Men Overcoming our fears, our inhibitions. Men who are abuViolence (MOVE) program at the sive or violent in their intimate relationships Men's Resource Center has long wear blinders to protect and insulate thembeen challenging all these levels of selves from taking responsibility for their "blinders." By viewing domestic abusiVe behavior: As a consequence, it is as an issue of power and violence essential when working with men who batcontrol, and looking at the use of ter to get them to remove their l;Jlinders and anger and violence to maintain that expand their view of themselves and other control, MOVE focuses the men's men. But to address only an abusive man's behavior on something beyond a behavior, without putting it in the cultural "problem with anger." And an imporcontexts that encourage it, limits the effectant part of the conversations in MOVE tiveness of barterer-intervention work. groups concerns how men are socialWe see the insularity of domestic vioized to remain in the boxed-in view of lence at its most extreme when a male acting being a man: impervious to pain, not abusively uses anger and violence to keep a emotional (except for anger), the bread winfemale panner silenced, especially if she ner, and strong without vulnerability questions his behavior. He might do anyOne of the more innovative aspects of thing from ignoring or discounting her opinthe work of MOVE is its follow-up program ion to outright physical attacks to maintain and its Speakers' Bureau. After a man finishthis silence. In the most severe domestic vioes the basic MOVE program (40 weeks for lence relationships, a man will keep his panmandated clients and 20 weeks for those ner from having contact with family or not ordered by the coun), if he is deemed friends who encourage her to view him as ready, he may continue the long-term work abusive or attempt to empower her. of unraveling abusive behaviors through a But the insularity of domestic violence follow-up group. Men can stay in these relationships goes beyond the circle of the groups for as long as they need or want. A couple. A man acting abusively may mainnumber of men have stayed in these weekly tain friendships with men who won't chalgroups for more than five years. And some lenge his "needing to be the man" in relation of these men have reached a point in changto his partner. Indeed, he may consider any ing their behavior where they talk publicly man who questions his behavior or attitude to the community through the MRC to be "a fag" or "a wimp" and Speakers' Bureau. When men ignore or threaten such a queswho have been abusive stand up tioner into silence. and articulate the benefits of Then there is the culture in ending abusive behavior, they general. Even though the perspecare presenting a direct affront to tive of what it means to be a man the masculine culture of viois evolving, men have a preponAfter many years in the lence. derance of old-style cultural mesfollow-up group, two of these sages foisted on them every day men, Steve jefferson and Scott The X Show on FOX, The Man Girard , reached the point where Show on Comedy Central, and they were ready to train as Howard Stern of radio, moVIes, group leaders. Currently, the짜 books and television, all blatantly lead or co-lead basic MOVE showcase the view that men are Rhea Almeida, Executive supposed to rule and that women Direc tor, Institute for Family groups. They offer a powerful Savices, In c., Somerset, N.j. voice for change and serve as are objects. At the same time, models of the possibilities for Hollywood is still producing large transforming one's life. numbers of films in which conflicts are dealt Another organization, the Institute for with by resorting to violence-specifically, Family Services in Somerset, New jersey, has men resortmg to viOlence. taken these ideas a step further. Program Given all of these personal and cultural

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founder Rhea Almeida has created an innovative treatment model that opens the doors of domestic violence work and allows community at large to play a part in challenging the behavior and culture that encourages battering. This program operates within a "Cultural Context Model," described as "an acknowledgment of the dynamic interplay of race, gender, class, ethnicity, and sexual orientation along with the notion of social accountability" The Institute works with many groups within this model, including people suffering from depression, battered women, and young people.

Their work with men who batter expands the concept of relying only on clinicians or therapists to direct intervention strategies. Different men from the community are trained and invited to sit in on the groups as a way to offer an alternative model of male behavior. This aspect of the program began several years ago when a wellrespected police officer was invited into a barterer-intervention group. Eventually, other willing men were recruited from the local Rotary Club--a lawyer, a printer, and an electrician-to be pan of the discussions.

These men talked about how they dealt with the stresses in their relationships and how they expressed their anger in non-abusive ways. By being exposed to men from their Voice Male

community who do not agree with their views on violence or how a "real" man should behave, clients are challenged to see beyond the blinders that they have lived behind for so long.

This culture of ch:mge that the New Jersey program creates is similar to the culture in many_of the MOVE groups. Because approximately half of the men in MOVE groups have not been ordered to be there, the court-mandated participants are challenged to examine their own feelings of "not needing to be here." As a result, the level of resistance to working on ending abusive behavior in these groups is lower than in programs with all court -mandated clients.

In addition to their batterers' work, the Institute for Family Services offers discussions on homophobia, racism, and class during their program. By seeing how these issues intersect and often feed on the issue of domestic violence, the program enlarges the community intervention to include additional parts of contemporary culture-such as Hollywood films-that underlie violent ' behavior.

A relatively new aspect of the work with batterers at the Institute for Family Services is similar to the work of the Speakers' Bureau at the MRC. Men who have successfully worked at changing .their abusive behavior are invited to become consultants to the institute and sponsor new clients, sharing their experiences of getting free of the "dominator model."

Last year, staff members from MOVE traveled to the Institute for Family Services to learn first-hand about t\l.eir perspective.

The MOVE staff was encouraged and excited to examine ways in which our program could expand and adapt some of the work from the Cultural Context Model. MOVE continues to examine the work of the Institute for Family Services and the work of other programs in its continual practice of changing and adapting curriculum.

It is vitally important that the people and programs working to end domestic violence and change the masculine culture of violence challenge the immediate and specific behav10rs of the men in their programs. But it is JUSt as important to challenge the larger contexts of these mens lives--and the culture we all inhabit that allows anyone to live behind blinders. How can anyone be expected to remove their blinders if they don't know they are wearing them in ihe first place, and if they haven't learned there are ways to take them off? 路

Russell Bradbury-Carlin co-directs the Men Overcoming Violence program and coordinates Youth Programs at the Men's Resource Center.

Voice Male

By Donald N.S. Unger

Book Review

The Language of the Homefront

Co-Parents as Co路-Pilots?

The truth of the matter was brought home to me only recently, occasioned by the fact that we both read Francine M. Deutsch's recent book, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works, a book exploring heterosexual couples' parenting practices.

One of the interesting, and somewhat counterintuitive, realities that Deutsch uncovers in her examination of the parenting practices t was one of those incidents that I have come to expect, though they still annoy me.

There was a holiday party at my daughter's preschool, which meant that after dropping off your child, you were encouraged to hang around, drinking juice and eating cookies.

And so we were clumped in the room, a handful of parents, a core of mothers talking, a few fathers as the less voluble satellites.

Near a table a few feet away from me, I saw one of the boys moving awkwardly; a cup of juice atilt in his hand; I took a quick step and a half, removed the cup from his hand and landed it safely on the table.

One of the women looked up from her conversation and smiled at me.

'Just like a mother," she said approvingly

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When our daughter was born my wife had to do something she hadn't anticipated doing. She had to learn to be less of a mother than she wanted to be, both moving toward parenting and stepping back, almost at the same time. While we had long talked about shared parenting, she found it much more difficult than she had imagined it would be to step out of the way when I was taking care of our child. Among other things, she wanted to correct me in a variety of ways. And, while she certainly wanted help and support, she was suddenly ambivalent about whether or not she really wanted us to have equal authority and equal emotional import for our daughter.

This battle that my wife waged with 'herself was one that I knew little or nothing about at the time. Perhaps naively, I thought things went rather well. We both, it seemed to me, took great pains not to step on each other's parental authority, first as a matter of not inflicting ego damage on each other, and, second-as our daughter quickly became aware of her surroundings-so as not to give her the impression that we didn't respect each other.

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of some 150 couples is that---even among the couples who practiced what Deutsch refers to as equally shared parenting-mothers remain, in some fundamental way, invested in being the "primary parent," a position in which the fathers, virtually unanimously, support them.

Of this syndrome, Deutsch writes: "Mothers seemed disturbed if the balance shifted too much toward their husbands.

When asked about the parents' division of responsibility for their child's emotional life, one mother was reluctant to admit that it was equal. 'I would hope it would be me more . . . I don't know why I would hope that, but I would hope that it would be me.'" On a subsequent page, she notes th~t "[m]en seemed just as invested as their wives in retaining the notion that the mother is the primary parent."

What has most often-and surely correctly-been ascribed to men's resistance to taking responsibility for domestic labor now has a more complicated complexion. In April of 1999, Sacramento Bee columnist

Maggie Gallagher tagged this syndrome "maternal gatekeeping." I had begun to suspect as much on my own. In researching gendered language in the past couple of years, I have been increasingly interested in examining the reasons that gender-neutral usage, which has made at least some inroads in the professional sphere, has made virtually no progress in the domestic realm, particularly in the language used around nurturance and childcare-a fact brought home to me on a regular basis when people refer to me, when I am taking care of my daughter, as being the "mother."

The language use Deutsch reports on the part of her subjects dovetails with this. The fathers she studied chose to see themselves as "mother's helpers," or in some cases to take on the appellation "Mt. Mom. " Nurturant behavior on the part of men is still referred to as "maternal," or as "mothering."

Deutsch's book is a welcome addition to the growing literature on shared parenting, all the more for being not just another "how to" manual but for providing instead a wealth of concrete insights into what kinds of attitudes, practices , and perceptions facilitate effective equally shared parenting and what kind inhibit it. While she makes no pretense of coming at the subject without a point of view-the issue of equally shared parenting, she says, became a personal issue for her as she contemplated the classic quandary of balancing career and familythe voices in the book largely speak for themselves, painting a picture that is vibrant in its complexity and richness of detail.

Many of her insights, moreover, are surprising. The most ardent practitioners of equally shared parenting, for example, are not the progressive, middle-class families most ideologically committed to such practices. Instead, she found that blue-collar workers, while simultaneously maintaining a more conservative and traditional view of family structure, were more likely to share parenting, often on a shift system: secretaries and fire fighters, construction workers and nurses, police officers and utility workers.

These families often have a variety of motivations, among them, greater resistance to utilizing paid day care, for reasons that range from the economic to the emotional.

Thus, she describes the paradoxical effect of adherence to tradition facilitating change, as a growing number of parents make the

continued on page 22 Voice Male

By Steven jacobsen

Notes from Survivors

"I've been hurt but I'm good"

Surviving Being an Abusive Survivor No one can harm you Feel your own pain -john Lennon ne of the most difficult hurdles for male (and female) survivors of abuse to clear is to recognize路, accept, and address our own tendencies to replicate and perpetuate abuse ourselves. Our own abusive behavior may range from the verbal to the physical to the sexual. The reason this final stage of recovery and healing can be so challenging for survivors is twofold.

The first and most obvious reason is that as Vlctirns of abuse ourselves, the notion of harming another individual is inherently repugnant to us. The prospect is also . of course, loaded with issues of guilt; just as traumatized children misunderstand their 'own victimization as proof of their own worthlessness and badness, adult survivors often seek to establish relationships that require lopsided levels of responsibility and caretaking. A frequent response by survivors to an intimate liaison is to be~ome the giver, in hopes of demonstrating that he/she is so good that they deserve love and care as well.

Certainly everyone, male or female, deserves love. understanding, and support.

But survivors can take that reality to extremes, where we feel our only function is to please others, at any expense to ourselves. This is sometimes referred to as "codependence," and is, in fact, a kind of emotional (and sometimes, sexual) addiction. The difficulty with any kind of addiction is that it is, by nature, self-destructive, and as such carries its own ominous consequences. The immediate consequence for codependent survivors is a type of smothered but smoldering anger, which can erupt at any time. It is a violence of frustration, dashed dreams, and hopes that appear unreachable .

The problem lies within issues of context. Years ago, in my first marriage, I would routinely become extremely depressed, and later enraged, because I . worked at night and my ex-wife never remembered to leave the porch light on for me. l was sad because l felt it meant that she didn't care; I was angry because I knew, on those occasions she needed to work late, that I not only kept all the lights on but waited up until I saw her home

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safe. I not only couldn't have slept on those nights, but the very idea of trying to do so never occurred to me .

Second, the reason survivors have diffi- 路 culty realizing and accepting that we can be abusive ourselves is that we have literally been trained not to recognize pain.

Children, in particular, who have been chronically traumatized have learned how to turn their "pain switches" on and offmostly off. A child does not possess the skills or abilities to deal with the unbearable and heinous. But children possess the ability to numb out-unfortunately, in cases of chronic or severe trauma, many children remain numb , of necessity.

In short, if the pain you've.been forced to endure is so great that you've banished the sensation of pain from your being, it results in your being unable to recognize ' injury or harm in others or yourself. Many years ago I was playing racquetball with a buddy of mine and my girlfriend and his girlfriend. He made a great shot and I dove for it and saved the point. I got up, ready to start the next rally, and all three of my friends were just staring at me, their jaws dropped.

"My God," my friends said. "How can you walk like that?"

"What do you mean?'' I said.

It turns out I had broken my left ankle, and not even felt it. My friends insisted that I let them take me to the emergency room at the local hospital; I, of course, , . walked into the facility unaided. I didn't feel a thing. The attending nurse who received me gasped and said, "Oh, honey, get into the wheelchair right now. " She also said, "You must either have the highest tolerance for pain I've ever seen, or be . crazy." They set my ankl~. / Well, l wasn't crazy; I had just nev(}r been allowe,d to feel normal pain_.

Pain is a good, healthy sensation.

Physical pain is a manner in which your body tells you, Hey, something's wrong and needs to be looked at. Emotional pain is con;elative-simply put, it tells you something's not right, something's wrong.

But what if you can't feel or recognize your own pain, physical or emotional?

How then could you possibly recognize it in others? And if you're a codependent survivor sinking all your efforts into caring for others, how can you possibly understand that you might be hurting them in

some fashion? If you're colorblind, how can you describe the difference between red and green?

Survivors are simultaneously experts at enduring pain and novices at dealing with it. Trauma travels, and abuse is contagious.

Even in the most benign of circumstances, friends and lovers of survivors are hurtbecause they care for us, they are hurt by the harm we've endured. Simply put, when you truly care for someone, it hurts you to see them suffering.

But our tendencies to carry abuse can range far beyond such passive injuries. We may see our spouses as our perpetrators.

We are almost uniformly self-harmful to our own souls and bodies. We often demand perfection and machine-like production from ourselves, to everyone$ detriment. Is there a way out, a way to make this better?

Yes. The good news is that the way out is simple. The bad news is that it's unbelievably difficult and hard. The key to understanding one's own pain is to own it and feel it and, despite the odds and what your perpetrators have always told you, to tell yourself that you are good. You are good.

And everyone else should know that you are good, too.

But you have to tell the others, as well as yourself. Tell everyone you know that you are good. Tell them you've been hurt.

Tell them you're not sure what to do about it. Bring all of your wounds out into the fresh , clean, healing air. Tell them.

Then go qack and tell yourself the san{e thing. Say, ''I'm good, I'm good." Say it over and over, every day and every chance you get.路 , Because it is true. We are good. And we can get better by far, even though we may need to love the scars of our own histories.

The ultimate cure for pain is love; love yourselves and take complete pride in the fact that you've made it through , with a heart flushed with courage.

And then be prepared to receive the love from others that you so richly deserve, because they will give it.

Steven jacobsen writes frequently on abuse survivor issues.

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By Paul Zelizer

Men's Work

Why a Relational Men's Center? hree years ago in these pages 路 Steven Botkin wrote an article called "Why a Mens Center?" I liked what he had to say-that men are hurting (there is much pain and confusion in mens lives); that men are hurting others (I see men hurting women, children and each other); that men are divided against each other (there is much confusion about the transition in our models of masculinity); that men want to help. I know this to be true deep in my soul. I witness it all the time .

Still, a more specific question is on my mind these days. At the Mens Resource Center of Northern New Mexico , we describe ourselves as a relational mens center and we are striving to be relational men. What-is a relational man? For me, it means that my relationships are important, sacred. My relationships with myself, the people in my life, and the earth, are among what I value most. What is a relational men's center? It is a community of people who come together with the common agreement to build and value their connections with each other, themselves, and the greater community. It is a community that pays attention to relationships as it goes about doing the work of supporting men and challenging oppression.

Like the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, its New Mexico counterpart is a non-profit organization working for social change. We have an office, a bank account, two computers, and other office equipment. We offer several programs: a support group for adult men, community workshops, a program to support young fathers , and others. In this respect, we are no different from other non-profits in the U.S., including the small (but hopefully growing) number of.mens centers. But what I love most about the MRC-NNM is that our leadership has agreed that these are only the containers, not the heart and soul of the organization.

In other words, our office and our programs are the way we try to create the space for meaningful relationship and dialogue to happen.

What follows is an attempt to share what relational mens work means and why it is so important.

Why a Relational Men's Center?

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Because relationship heals.

'That which was wounded in relationship can only be healed in relationship."

-Annie Rogers

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Rogers is a colleague of noted gender theorist Carol Gilligan. These simple words of Annie's have deeply affected me and have changed the work that I do .

8ecause valuing relationship and violence cannot coexist.

Disconnection is a necessary condition for violence to occur. Feeling a deep sense of connection is incompatible with violence.

Because building relationships Is a fundamental step towards ending oppression.

"When we try tcp work together without taking the time to discover the richness of our diversity, we increase the possibility for conditioned historical conflict to assert itself. "- Roberto Chene These wise words of my colleague Roberto Chene's summarize a series of painful lessons for me. I have tried to participate in groups working for community change that have not taken this time. I have seen, been involved with, and experienced the pain in these "historical con- . flicts ." I am less and less willing to work in groups not willing to take the time to discover their diversity, to fully explore their multicultural dimensions.

Because we want a truly intercultural men's center.

"Multiculturalism is primarily about building relationships ." - Roberto Chene Robertos clear observation about understanding racism and diversity has contributed to the steady increase in the diversity of people wanting to participate in the MRC-NNM community as I and we have become more intentional about our relational approach.

Because we change our world by changing ourselves as we change our world.

"We change our world by changing ourselves as we change our world."

-Mary Bricker-]ohnson Mary isn't originally from northern New Mexico. Yet she expresses a core truth about doing effective social change work that is certainly true in the complex, marvelous, and diverse northern New Mexico community. I understand her message to mean we need to look personally at our own relationships with the issues we want a particular person, group路 or community to examine. Simple and basic. But not always easy to practice.

Because men deeply crave connection.

"Men need compassionate attention from and loving connection with other men. "-Steven Botkin In the 10 years I have known him, MRC of Western Massachusetts executive director Steven Botkin has taught me a great deal. One of the "Assumptions about Men" he developed with other MRC cofounders says, "Men need compassionate attention from and lovmg connection with other men. " That powerful contradiction to conventional thinking has helped men-myself included'-to arnculate a long-buried desire men often can't access or acknowledge . It has helped contradict homophobia and other internal forces that interfere with men's relationships and has . helped demonstrate, most powerfully by example, how men can connect without putting down women (or anyone else).

Because our youth deeply crave safe relationships with adult men.

Last spring, Antonio Sanchez (who coordinates our youth programs) and I were doing some workshops in a Taos area th school with 8 grade boys on the topic of Healthy Masculinity. We were exploring themes like our relationships with women, sex, violence , etc. In an informal , raiseyour-hand kind of survey with more than 100 young men, I learned some important things: (l) very few (less than 20%) of the young men said they had "an adult they trusted to talk with about this stuff' and (2) of those who didn't, most of the young men "would like to have an adult male that they trusted to talk about these issues with" (about 70%). These were very diverse groups of young men (predominantly Hispanic, White and Native American) in one of the more economically disadvantaged counties in the United States.

Last summer, our staff and supporters came together for two hours at an annual meeting to think about our first year's journey. Some of the questions we pondered included: "What is our relationship with each other like now?" "How can we build upon our financial base while maintaining our commitment to a relational approach?" and "What is the collective sense of our connection with the community?"

Someone new to the organization observed that we had used the words "relationship" and "connection" more than 40 times by the end of the day! I'm glad of Voice Male

Men & Health

By joe Zoske

Listening for a Pulse: that. I take it as a sign we are moving in the right direction . I hope others join us.

Paul Zelizer is executtve director of the MRC of Northern New Mexico. Readers tnterested in corresponding with Paul to further develop the idea of relational mens work are encouraged to contact him at (505) 758-9066, Box 1192 Taos, NM 87571. E-mail: mrc@laplaza.org.

Voice Male

Men's Bodies, Men's Voices Two of the many reasons I contribute to and value Voice Male and other men's publications are because they provide information vital to our learning, growth, and well-being as men; and because they offer a vehicle for men to tell their stories-to have their voices heard on matters that are personal and significant, sometimes painful, and about which men too often keep silent.

When it comes to our physical health, both purposes-the informational and the confessional-are also important. While the health care system does a lot with the firstgetting the information out-it does little with the second: listening to men.

Public health agencies, clinicians, and other community health professionals work hard at presenting information to men on health matters. Sadly, much of it isn't heard-both because of the manner of presentation and because of the intended audience. Often there's just too much information, or it's too complex to take in and digest. It may lack context or cultural relevance, given male diversity and the varied experiences of men's lives. Sometimes health messages even carry an off-putting edge of blaming or shaming attitudes toward men.

And, of course, men frequently don't help their own cause: they tend to avoid going to the doctor, pass through health fairs without asking questions, show minimal interest in the inner anatomy and functioning of the male body, and resist preventive self-caremostly out of anxieties about how such concern about health might reflect on their masculinity .

So health professionals attempt to counter this evident lack of interest in health 路 by trying to scare men into changing their behavior: If you don't stop smoking (or drinking or overeating or lazing on the couch), these messages go, something bad will happen to you in the future. Namely, you'll get sick and die.

But this "scared healthy" approach hasn't worked. Fear has proven to be a poor motivator to get people to change, especially men, and most men's health care information both leaves out the immediate benefits of changing and does little to affirm men as they are.

How to achieve greater understanding of men's real experiences with health? Ask them.

Listen to them, hear their stories, understand their needs as they perceive them, before offering well-intentioned advice. Specifically, we need to hear men's voices talking about .

what kinds of health messages get the1r attention and why, which ones have meaning for their daily lives, and how they think the health care system could better engage them in collaborative medical care.

Very soon I will have the rare opportumty to do just that. I recently secured a contract with the New York State Department of Health that will allow me to travel the state, sitting with groups of men in focus groups and listening to their ideas of how the health care system can better serve them.

This effort is driven by a statewide statistical profile of men's health risks (whose results should parallel those of other states, . when viewed from a gender perspecuve).

This study reveals that, compared to women, adult men in New York State are at far greater risk-often three to 18 times!-of alcohoVdrug abuse, AIDS. smokmg, mjunes, incarceration, hospitalizauon due to assaults. serious occupational injuries, job fatalities, homtcide. suicide, heart disease. pneumonia, cirrhoslS of the liver. and motor veh1cle crashes, to name a few Most disturbing is that these figures are true for every age cohort between 25 and 75-in other words, for a man's entire adulthood! And when medical care is needed, another barrier men face more often is either inadequate health insurance coverage, or no msurance at all.

Clearly, the health care system has to find better ways of understanding and attending to men's health concerns. I hope the work I do listening to men's ideas plays a part.

I intend to meet with 120 men, contemporaries, middle-aged men 40 to 64. They will be diverse men by culture, identity, and lifestyle-Asians, farmers, gays, Native Americans, Latinos, African Americans and whites, a true population sample. The thoughts, hopes, and fears of these underrepresented voices will then be transmitted to people of mfluence-policy makers and health care providers who can make a difference.

The health care system in the U.S. has long tried to bring men into that system by dispensing information, and, all too often, by scare tactics. It's time now to finally begin listening to men, the first step to finally learning how to bring real health care to men.

joe Zaske is Voice Males health columnist, and a public health consultant who lives in Albany, N.Y

21

THAN I< YOU he Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and soc1al transformation . As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand . We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a growing community of support. Thank you .

T

Donated Space Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton Donated Art Mark Berkey, Michael Verrilli In-Kind Donations Antonio's, Atkins Farms Market, Bart's Homemade, Claudias Cafe, Henion Bakery, Thorn Herman , Rao's Coffee

As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directo rs for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

Office Intern Damien Licata

Voice Male Volunteer Maurice Posada Support Group Facilitators Paul Abbott, Bruce Bokor, Michael Burke, Douglas DaRif. Philip Fitz , Tim Gordon, Michael Greenebaum, Ken Howard, Walter Lesure, Gabor Lukacs , Alex MacPhail, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Nathan McCaskill, jim Napolitan, Sheldon Snodgrass 路 Youth Volunteers Vafa Ansarifar, j onathan Bell, Elena BotkinLevy, Ross Carson-Groner, Ali Feely, Doug Ginn, Carly Goss , Berrijacque, Rudy Malbanan, josh Nevas , Stephen Remington, Mark Ribble, Sarah Smart, Steven Theberge

William P. Ryan, Ph.D. is pleased to announce the opening of a new office in Shelburne Falls William P. Ryan, Ph.D. Psychologist

Affordable Rates

(413) 625-2828

continued from page 18

Co-Parents as Co-Pilots decision that, rather than consign their children to the care of others, they'll redistribute caregiving within the family "I don't let people outside my family watch my kids," one father is quoted as saying. "You don't know those other people. It doesn't matter that they got a sign out that says they're certified. . . . There's a lot of things out there that happen to kids.

I don't want nothing to happen to my kids."

Along with the issue of--often subtle but clearly strong-maternal ambivalence, Deutsch cites a number of other obstacles to shared parenting. The impact of "[Driends. coworkers, parents, in-laws , and neighbors," for example, is not always what one would expect. Often, the interviewees reported, praise for a domestic division of labor that encourages fatherly nurturance can be an obstacle to equality: the father whose efforts are lauded when he changes one diaper may feel that this is as good as changing half the diapers; the mother may take such comments as indirect criticism. There are, in this area, the more traditional obstacles as well: the onlookers who either overtly or subtly convey disapproval, both of mothers who do not "do enough" for their children and of fathers who allow parenting to become a competing priority with professional duties.

Perhaps in part as a result of these societal judgments, some men, while actively becoming equally sharing parents, and professing to enjoy the enhanced relationships this gives them with their children, remain leery of too much of this family information becoming public; many women also have reason not to publicize a more equal division of domestic labor, for fear that this will reflect badly on a traditional image of motherhood.

In spite of all the hurdles, the picture that Deutsch and her interviewees paint is ultimately hopeful. Some changes are coming for ideological reasons, some for eco" 路 nomic reasons, some simply because a more equitable division of domestic labor strikes more and more people as both rational and just.

As these changes filter into the feedback mechanism of language, which should accelerate the rate of change, this all raises the possibility that we will-sooner, rather than later-reach the day when a woman, seeing a man taking an active role in the care of children, will simply smile and say, with a nod of understanding and identification, rather than approval: 'just like a parent." 路

Donald Unger is a freelance writer and a graduate student at the University of Massachusetts.

22 Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group ~ 7 - 9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m . at 218 State St., Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors of Childhood Abuse - Specifically for men who are survivors o( any kind of childhood abuse. Call the MRC (413) 253-9887, for details. · Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual · orientation.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, sch ools , human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response, " "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

FATHE RING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available- lawyer referrals , parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step , adoptive and other fathers/father figures.

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJECT A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Spe rm Donors, which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP) · Socially Active Youth (SAY): In collaboration with the Everywoman's Center, we train high school and college rriales and females to do projects in the community on sexual assault prevention education , violence prevention, and yo uth empowerment.

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events , counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available.

· Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and courtmandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield. · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton, Amherst and Belchertown. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections. · Teen Groups: A 10 week MOVE group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others. · Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention

are available. · Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

VOICE MALE Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity

Interested In A Men's Resource Center Speaker?

A Workshop or Training?

Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887 mrc@valinet.com

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RESOURCES HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling & Therapy Referral Service (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street, Northampton, MA 01 060. Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons.

The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) 254-4444 Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops, and volunteer opportunities. Contact Carey Johnson.

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, Cambridge, Mass.

Information and support for gay and bisexual men suffering from relationship violence.

Phone (617) 497-731"7, email : GMDVP@JUNO.COM

Men's Resources AIDS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost housing, and transportation.

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals 123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM.

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock 413.587.4334 Nationally Certified

A.M.T.A Member

Aeadv to Change Your Life?

413-586-7454

Men's Group Therapy

Reed Schimmelfing

Psychotherapy for:

MSW, LICSW

Couples - Families Individuals

0/ffces In Northampton

.

_ "路_

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors ofchildhood abuse

25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA.01060 413-S86-0SIS

e

FAX: 413-SM-8903

e

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) - GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County.

Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. For more information, call (413) 774-7028.

Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Counseling for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. www.valinet.com/-lifecour Men's Drop-In Group First and third Tuesday 7-8:30' pm, Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men Against Violence First and third Tuesday 5-6 pm, Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men's Therapy Group (413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 University of Mass., Amherst.

A lesbian, bisexual, gay & transgender educational resource center.

Toughlove lnternationaiGI is a self-help program for parents troubled by their children's behavior. Parent-led support groups combine philosophy and action that can help change behavior and support the family. New group forming in Amherst. Contact Robin MacRostie at (413) 549-6403, email: srmacrostie@yahoo.com. To contact local groups elsewhere, call (800) 333-1069.

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 P.O. Box 181 , Northampton, MA 01061-0181 . Western Massachusetts' gay social and service organization.

BraHieboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, .adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599.

Valuable Families Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes and respects our lesbi.an, gay and bisexual families of origin and of ' choice. PO Box 60634, Florence, MA 01 062; Valfams@crocker.com Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports, Hadley for socializing, discussions, and games. (413) 586-0633.

Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield For confidential information about weekly meetings call (413) 739-4342.

EMAIL: PATSAM@IjAVANET.COM

Voice Male

RESOURCES Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuH.org The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm · Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/profem.html Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad · The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodpro ject. org Magazines Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achllles/lssues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): hHp://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkln/XY/Xylntro.htm Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/lntro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www. geocllles. com/CapllaiHIII/1139/qultporn.html Men For Change: CommunltySupport/Men4Change/m4c_back. html

David M. Wolgin , Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist · Offering individual and group psychotherapy services for adults dealing with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, relationship issues, stress management problems. and gay/lesbian related issues.

356 Montague City Road Turners Falls. MA 01376 (413)863-9989

Thorn Levy, M. Ed., LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor

·Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples ·EMDR for Overcoming Traumas, Phobias and Performance Anxieties •Stress Reduction Training Amherst, MA • tel and fax 413-549-2901

Voice Male

• hpandtl@crocker.com

Cou11.s.eti11g and

1:hera('eufic -godyNork

Volunteers Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Men.'s Resource Center (413) 253~9887 Variety of needs for volunteers at the MRC office.

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, Cambridge, Mass.

Seeking volunteers for the nation's first safe home network serving gay and bisexual men and tr~nsgendered people. In need of safe home providers and other volunteers.

Extensive training and stipend provided.

Phone Mark Green ~t (617) 497-7317, email GMDVP@JUNO.COM ·

I'

Integ-yat"'~~' ~~fiJi¥'~

JohrttCOCMll III

Amhe.nt

413.586.3472

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for ~en in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

256· 0772 25

CALENDAR March 17-19 Plainfield, Mass .

Men's Authentic Movement Gathering At Earthdance, led by Andrew Gaines and Bill McCully. (413) 634-5678 ext.3 . Email: earthandy@aol.com . · Ma rch 23, 12:30 p.m.· Amherst, Mass ..

The Ripple Effect of a Hate Crime: The Psychological Impact of the Shepard Murder Lecture by Monique Noell, doctoral candidate in Clinical Psychology, University of Massachusetts. UMass Campus Center, Room 903 .

March 24-26 Buffalo , N.Y. Men's Studies Conference Sponsored by American Men's Studies • Association . Hosted by the State University of New York at Buffalo. Held on its Amherst (NY) campus. Topics include: masculinity, men's anger and violence, gender relations, gay men. For information: Tony Lanzillo, phone 609-869-0672 or e-mail alanzillo@aol.com.

March 28, 7 p.m.

South Hadley, Mass.

Betty Friedan and the Making of the Feminine Mystique Lecture by Daniel Horowitz. Five College Women's Studies Research Center, Dickinson House, Faculty Road, off Route 116, South Hadley For information: (413) 534-7307.

March 29 - April 2 Greenville, N.H. Reconciliation &: Conciliation: A Special Ge~der Workshop Sponsored by the Shavano Institute of Boulder, Colorado. Facilitated by Anne Yeomans, Will Keepin, and Molly Owyer.

Women and men joining together to explore new dimensions ~f healing and mutuality Everyone welcome: -singles, couple, gay, straight, bisexual and transgender. Merriam Hill Center, Greenville, NH. For more information call Anne:(978) 369-6198 or Shavano : (720) 890-0336. Email·: gender®shavano org.

April 1 Deerfield, Mass.

Stury Games and Tall Tales on Transforming t11e Culture of Violence For information, call the Traprock Peace Center at (413) 773-7427.

April 4, 5- 8 p.m.

Amherst, Mass.

Yout4 Film Series: Beautiful Thing Youth-in-Film Series by and for youth (ages 14-21), presented by Socially Active Youth (SAY). A heartwarming story of two young men coming to grips with their sexuality Discussion follows . Free admission and refreshments. Men's Resource Center, 236 N. Pleasant Street, Amherst. For more informa-

26

tion: (413) 577-0069 or 253-9887 .

April 7, 7 p.m.

Deerfield, Mass.

Community Advisory Meeting on A Year of Education for Nonviolence For information, call the Traprock Peace Center at (413) 773-7427 .

AprilS, 9 a.m. - 9 p.m Baldwinville, Mass.

Men's Healing Love Qigong A sacred circle of men to learn Daoist sexual practices and support each other in opening our hearts to healing wisdom and increasing our capacity for love . Led by Charlie Stuart, acupuncturist, massage therapist, tai chi, yoga, qigong and meditation teacher. (978) 939-8544.

Aprill5 Amherst, Mass.

First Annual Western/Central Massachusetts Gov~rnor's Commission for Gay and Lesbian Youth Safe Colleges Conference Sponsored by Acting for Campus Transformation (A.C.T.). For lesbian , bisexual, gay, transgender, and allied heterosexual people. For information, call The Stonewall Center, University of Massachusetts, at (413) 545-4824, fax to (413) 545-6667, or e-mail to fyeskel@stuaf.umass.edu .

April17-20 Deerfield, Mass.

War Toy Transformation' Workshop For information, call the Traprock Peace Center at (4!3) 773-7427.

April20-23 Newton, Mass.

Queer Masculinities Conference: What is a Man? Co-sponsored by The Nashoba Institute and Mount Ida College. Held at Mount Ida College. Topics include: gay masculinity and sexuality, addiction, racism, sport, film, literature, and other cultures. Call Les Wright (617) 928-7314 or (978) 345-2802; fax (978) 345-2802 ; e-mail to codybear®bearhistory com.

April27, 12:30 p.m.

Amherst, Mass.

A Look at the Gay-Straight Alliance Community in Massachusetts High Schools Lecture by Janis Doppler, doctoral candidate in Social JustiCe Education. UMass Campus Center, Room 903 .

April28, 9 a.m. -3 p.m.

Springfield, Mass .

Listening to Boys'. Voices: Understanding Their Crisis and Responding Pres~ntation by Dr. William Pollack, Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School and author of Real Boys: Rescuing our Sons from the My ths of Boyhood. Sponsored by American International College. $119 includes lunch, handouts and CEUs. (413) 747-6525 .

April29 Washington, D.C. Equality Rocks Rock Concert Melissa Etheridge, Ellen DeGeneres, Ann Heche , Kristen Johnston, and others celebrate equal rights for all'. Robert F. Kennedy Stadium Washington, D.C. For information, tickets call 800-498-0382 or go to wwwhrc org.

April30 . Washington, D.C. The Millennium March en Washington for .Equality To energize and galvanize the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and supportive communities to work for equality at all levels and to inspire voters for the 2000 elections. The National Mall, Washington, D.C. For information, ~ntact The Millenium March at 1000 16t ~treet N.W, Washington, D. C. 20036, at 202-467-8100, or on wwwmmow.org May 1-7 Deerfield, Mass. .

Week of Awareness for Nonviolence School and community dialogues sponsored by the Traprock Peace Center. Attend Bright Spots 2000, Valley Film Festival of Video Shorts for Nonviolence. For information, send a SASE to Traprock Peace Center, Keets Road, Deerfield, MA 01342. Or to schedule a visit to your school, call (413) 773-7427.

May 2, 5 p.m. - 8 p.m Amherst, Mass.

Youth Film Series: Girls Town Youth-in-Film Series by and for youth (ages 14-21), presented by Socially Active Youth (SAY). Three inner-city, high-school girls, best friends, question their lives and friend ship after the suicide of a friend. Discussion follows . Free admission. and refreshments.

Men's Resource Center, 236 N. Pleasant Street, Amherst. For more information. call 577-0069 or 253-9887.

April27 Amherst, Mass.

Queer Fest 2000 Sponso~ed by the Price Alliance at UMass to celebrate queer life and culture. For information, call Pride Alliance at (413) 545-0154 or e-mail queerfest2000@hotmail.com.

Voice Male

CALENDAR June 6, 5-8 p.m.

Youth Film Series: HATE , Youth-in-Film Series by and for youth (ages 14-21), presented by Socially Active Youth (SAY) . A day in the lives of three young men- Said, an Arab , Hubert, a Black, and Vinz, a jew--each needing to vent his frustration over police brutality that landed a friend in the hospital. Discussion follows.

Free admission and refreshments. Mens Resource Center, 236 N. Pleasant Street, Amherst. For more information, call 5770069 or 253-9887 .

August 10-13 Co,lorado Springs, Colorado 25 Conference on Men and Masculinity: 25 Years of Changing Men Sponsored by the National Organization For Men Against Sexism. Colorado College, Colorado Springs, Colorado. For information, phone 607-697-6179 write to PO-Box 509, Owego, New York 13827, or go to www.nomas.org.

Please send calendar listings for the Summer 2000 issue to Voice Male Calendar, MRC, 236 No rth Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002.

Deadline for listings is May 10.

MRC SUPPORT GROUP FOR

MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD

ABUSE For information and to schedule an initial interview Call (413) 253-9887 ext. 17

INTEGRITY DEVELOPMENT AND CONSTRUCTION RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION CALL US FOR A FREE CONSULTATION 413-549-7919

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VOICE MALE

路1 he magazine ol the !\len's Resource Center of \\ 'e stern l\lassctchuseth

Published quarterly, Voice Male is distributed in 25 states and throughout Western New England from路 the Massachusetts-Connecticut border into Southern New Hampshire and Vermont.

Either send camera-ready ads to us, or utilize our in-house design and production services.

For sizes, rates and deadlines, Voice Male (413) 253-9887, FAX (413) 253-4801.

VOICE MALE 236 No . Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002 E-mail: mrc @valinet.com

Voice Male

27

PREGNANCY CHOICES COUNSELING . .

Free or lo\V cost counseling for n1en and women with pregnancy, adoption, abortion, ch.i ldbirth and early parenting concerns! Counseling services to work with current choices and to help deal with past issues. Call 256-0772 to schedule a Jree initial consultation. .

Pregnancy Choices is a service of the Synthesis Center, also offering: .

0 HoJistic Counseling and psychoth~rapy for all major life issues 8 staff and 10 associate members, trained in a f variety of therapeutic specialties 0 Sliding scale and.insurance availability ()Handicap accessibility 垄 Free cancer support and parent education .groups

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Spring Day.;.long Workshops at Jhe Synthe~ls Center: Money and Self -Aprill Taking Ca1路e of the Care~aker -April 29 ,. Ecopsychology for Human Services -路May 1.3 路 Professionals r , ,

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For a fre~.com'prehensive brochure contact.: ' . ~

The Synthesis 'Center .

'

274 North Pleasant _Street

Amherst; MA 01002 .: (413)256-0772 www.synthe~iscenter.org

Printed on Recycled Paper