Vivienne's Magazine

/mægəˈziːn/

Letter from the contributors

Dear Vivienne,

This magazine is to thank you for your great work and wonderful cooperation over the last 17 years We all wish you health and wealth in your retirement. We’ll miss you! Stay in touch.

“Her Vivien eyes, beware!”

An illustrated exploration of Vivienne’s illustrious literary ancestry

by Gabi Schmidt

Did you know that Vivienne shares her name with goddesses and fairies? While looking for a way of paying appropriate tribute to the many heroical feats Vivienne performed with us over the past seventeen years, I decided to go on a treasure hunt on the internet, searching for possible meanings of her name What I discovered was quite an illustrious literary ancestry.

The first connection one encounters when looking for associations with Vivienne’s name is the Latin word vivus, signifying as much as ‘lively’ or ‘vivacious’. Even though, to many of us, this would perhaps neatly put Vivienne’s personality in a nutshell, it is - alas - no more than a folk etymology.

A somewhat more serious candidate for a precedent, the Roman surname Vivianus, would indeed align her with a series of illustrious personalities, from bishops to scholars and statesmen. One of these in particular - the 16th-century humanist Johannes Vivianus (Jean Vivien) - could perhaps be seen to prefigure Vivienne’s passionate love for language in all its shapes and guises.1 Associated with the cartographer Abraham Ortelius and the cosmographer Gerardus Mercator, he also shares with Vivienne (who once worked as a youth hostel warden) an enthusiasm for travel and cultural exploration. However, given Vivienne’s roots and family connections, all these Latinate associations somehow didn’t appear to be very satisfying clues

I hence decided to make a foray into the world of Celtic legend and mythology. Lo and behold, there, I encountered one ofVivienne’s most telling literary ancestors: the Irish goddess (or demi-goddess) Béḃinn Her name, sometimes anglicized as Vivionn or Vivian (in James Macpherson’s Ossian poems, as Vevina), has been interpreted as a combination between medieval forms of the Irish Gaelic word for ‘woman’ (bean), and the adjective ‘melodious’ (binn), thus literally translating to ‘melodious woman’ 2 As you can see, this fits our Vivienne to a T.

1 Deutsche Biographie, “Vivianus, Johannes” https://www.deutsche-biographie.de/pnd129896713.html (all last accessed July 16th 2023)

2 On this and the following see Wikipedia, “Béḃinn” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B%C3%A9%E1%B8%83inn (last accessed July 16th 2023)

Figure 2: Vivienne, the melodious woman

Figure 1: title page of travel guide through certain regions of France and Belgium by Jean Vivien and Abraham Ortelius (1584)

There is more to discover: in the Fenian Cycle of Irish tales, Béḃinn is a beautiful lady of aristocratic bearing who seeks protection fromthe Fianna, a powerfulwarrior tribe, when pursued by an ugly giant. Did Vivienne, in her strange grammar-related adventure with Jane and Sarita, pursued by a giant monster at the edge of their garden, perhaps unwittingly relive this remarkable episode from the life of her literary forebear?At any rate, the connection with Béḃinn would doubtlessly provide her with a glamorous pedigree, as the name was born by famous Irish nobles and queens.

However, the most suggestive and colourful literary association with Vivienne’s name, led me into the heroic and mysterious world of Arthurian romance. Wise and inspiring, powerful and energetic, alluring, as well as perilous, Viviane, Vivienne or Nimue (among many other variants of the name)3 plays a pivotal role at King Arthur’s court in the shape of a beautiful fairy otherwise known as the Lady of the Lake According to experts, the name Viviane, used in French Arthurian romances, was ultimately derived from the Welsh word chwyfleian, meaning ‘awanderer ofpallidcountenance’, whichwasoriginallyapplied to the famous prophet-wizard Merlin in medieval Welsh poetry. Due to a later misreading, the term, now understood in the sense of ‘fair wanton maiden’, came to be linked with Merlin’s beautiful lover and captor (of which episode more below).4 Due to the vogue for everything Arthurian from the publication of Tennyson’s Idylls of the King onwards, we have a great many fetching fin-de-siècle and art nouveau portraits of this most illustrious, but perhaps also most lurid among Vivienne’s literary ancestors.

In the various textual traditions of Arthurian romance, Viviane takes on several significant roles - and parallels to our own Vivienne’s heroic prowess and accomplishments cannot but leap to the eye. First, she is a teacher and educator. In the French and Franco-German versions of the tale of Sir Lancelot, The Ladyof the Lake figures as the fairygodmother and protector of the eponymous hero. Residing in an enchanted realm, the entry to which is disguised as the illusion of a lake, she raises Lancelot from his infancy, having stolen him from his mother after the death of his father, King Ban. She teaches Lancelot (nota bene!) arts and writing, infusing him with wisdom and courage, to make him an unsurpassed warrior. Later, too, she continues to protect him in his role as the anonymous White Knight at Arthur’s court and provides him, among other things, with a powerful magic ring.

3 See Wikipedia, “The Lady of the Lake” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_of_the_Lake (last accessed July 16th 2023). 4 Jarman, A.O.H. (1969). "Anote on the possible Welsh derivation of Viviane". Gallica: Essays Presented to J. Heywood Thomas. Cardiff, UK. pp. 1–12; cited in Wikipedia, “The Lady of the Lake” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_of_the_Lake (last accessed July 16th 2023).

Figure 3: Vivienne, Jane and Sarita pursued by a giant

Figure 5: Vivienne as a teacher of Sir Lancelot

Figure 4: Vivienne, the Lady of the Lake

Her role as a guardian of warriors and a purveyor of magic powers is also exercised in her interaction with the young King Arthur himself. In the later French tradition of Arthurian legend, she figures as Arthur’s mysterious protector and benefactor. Appearing to him in a lake, she grants him the magic sword ‘Excalibur’ and its special scabbard, after his original sword has broken in a duel. She is thus Arthur’s secret source of strength - a favour that goes not, however, without some cost for him: when Viviane later arrives at court she demands - Salomé-likeno less a price than the head ofArthur’s knight Sir Balin in exchange for the sword. Who cannot perceive that our Vivienne has inherited some of this warlike determination and femme fatale-like perilousness as she - fiercely and gleefully - breaks her phone with a modern-day Excalibur, so that she can buy a new one?

Even though Monty Python and the Holy Grail would later ridicule her accomplishments, commenting that “strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a systemof government”, Viviane, who repeatedly saves Arthur’s life and uses her magical powers to punish malefactors, remains a political power to reckon with in the Arthurian universe. This is especially evident in the best-known episode connected with her, which has been made the subject of innumerable poems and pictorial representations from Tennyson to Yates and beyond: the seduction and ensuing imprisonment of the wizard Merlin. Viviane - in Richard Wilbur’s words truly “a creature to bewitch a sorcerer”5 - refuses to give Merlin her love until he has taught her all his secrets. After this she uses her magic powers to entrap him and makes him fall into an eternal slumber. Even though Merlin, due to his prophetic foresight, knows beforehand what will happento him, he is unable to counteract her spell. Consequently, she entombs her unresisting lover and mentor within a tree, underneath a large stone, or inside a cave (depending on which textual version we follow)

The motives ascribed to Viviane for entrapping Merlin in the various versions of her tale are widely different: sometimes she acts out of hatred and spite, sometimes out of fickleness, sometimes merely out of a sense of fulfilling destiny. I personally prefer the more romantic variant, in which their encounter takes place under a blooming hawthorn tree where Merlin is lovingly put to sleep by a tender Viviane, as it is required by his destined fate that she has learned of. When he wakes up inside an impossibly high and indestructible tower, invisible from the outside, she comes to visit him almost every day or night.6

Theshiftingand enigmatic natureofViviane’scharacter intheArthurian legends isreflected inthemanifold literary responses she has generated. While Tennyson (what else can we expect of him?) makes her almost the incarnation of evil, others, like Thomas Malory, prefer instead to focus on her more positive character traits, making her pragmatic, compassionate, clever, and strong-willed An especially recurring feature in many literary versions of her is the bewitching allure of her blue eyes. Whether we at Sprachpraxis will be quite able to disentangle ourselves from Vivienne’s spell, remains yet to be seen.

5 Cited in Alan Lupack, „Vivien“, The Camelot Project, University of Rochester https://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/theme/vivien (last accessed Jul 17th 2023).

6 See Wikipedia, “The Lady of the Lake” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_of_the_Lake (last accessed July 16th 2023).

Figure 6: Vivienne wielding her Excalibur

Figure 7: Vivienne bewitches Merlin

Her eyes under their lashes were blue pools Fringed round with lilies; her bright hair unfurled Clothed her as sunshine clothes the summer world. Her robes were gauzes gold and green and gules, All furry things flocked round her, from her hand Nibbling their foods and fawning at her feet. Two peacocks watched her where she made her seat Beside a fountain in Broceliande.

Sometimes she sang Whoever heard forgot Errand and aim, and knights at noontide here, Riding from fabulous gestes beyond the seas, Would follow, tranced, and seek and find her not But wake that night, lost, by some woodland mere, Powdered with stars and rimmed with silent trees.7

Her Vivien eyes, beware! beware!

Though they be stars, a deadly snare They set beneath her night of hair. Regard them not! lest, drawing near As sages once in old Chaldee Thou shouldst become a worshiper, And they thy evil destiny.

Her Vivien eyes, away! away!

Though they be springs, remorseless they Gleam underneath her brow’s bright day. Turn, turn aside, whate’er the cost! Lest in their deeps thou lures behold, Through which thy captive soul were lost, As was young Hylas once of old.

Her Vivien eyes, take heed! take heed

Though they be bibles, none may read Therein of God or Holy Creed. Look, look away! lest thou be cursed, As Merlin was, romances tell, And in their sorcerous spells immersed, Hoping for Heaven thou chance on Hell.8

7 From: Poems [byAlan Seeger] (1917), https://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/text/seeger-vivien (last accessed July 17th 2023). 8 Madison J. Cawein, “Her Vivien Eyes” from: Idyllic Monologues: Old and New World Verses (1898), https://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot-project/text/her-vivien-eyes (last accessed July 17th 2023).

Vivien (byAlan Seeger, 1917)

Her Vivien Eyes (by Madison J. Cawein, 1898)

Figure 8: Her Vivien eyes, beware!

Football quiz with anagrams

by Christopher Thomas

1. Which former British women's football player used to play for Arsenal and the England national team and also played professionally in the US? When she’s not playing soccer, she kills thyme with her partner DeAnna Doboszby.

2. Who is the British women's football player who has represented clubs like Olympique Lyonnais and Manchester City, and has won multiple awards including the UEFAWomen's Player of the Year and whose cuz is called Ben Lory?

3. Which English women's football player, known for her strong leadership qualities, has captained both Manchester City Women and the England national team? Back then she was tough but not posh.

4. This British women's football player, known for her goal-scoring prowess, was awarded the Golden Boot at the 2019 FIFAWomen's World Cup. She lives in 10 Wee Hill. Who is she?

5. Who is the former Scottish women's national team goalkeeper who loves the fame gaym and has played for clubs like Hibernian Ladies and Celtic?

6. Here’s a really bronzy clue for you: Which British women's football player, known for her defensive skills, has represented clubs like Olympique Lyonnais and Manchester City?

7. Although she’s not Welsh (Dyw hi ddim yn dod o Gymru), she chose to represent the land where I was born in 2008 and, with 44 goals, she is the Welsh national team’s all-time record goal scorer. Who is she?

8. This British women's football player, whose uncle, Barry Fink, helped refine her technical skills and goal-scoring prowess, has represented Chelsea Women and the England national team. Who is she?

9. Quelle joueuse de football néerlandaise, qui aime mad Vivienne est connue pour sa prolifération de buts et a joué pour des clubs comme Arsenal Women et le FC Bayern Munich?

10. This getaway signora is an attacking midfielder for Bayern München (an extra point if you can tell me the country��) and has represented the England women's national football team since 2018?

Literature quiz

by Christopher Thomas

1. Which Irish author wrote the novel "Ulysses," considered one of the greatest works of modernist literature, and invented a 100-letter word to describe his fear of thunder and lightning? Which book does this appear in?

2. Who is the author of the novel "Midnight's Children," which won the Booker Prize in 1981, and which book provoked death threats and assassination attempts?

3. Which British playwright and screenwriter wrote the play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead", and in which play do the two main characters originally appear?

4. Who wrote the novel "The Remains of the Day," which won the Booker Prize in 1989, and who plays the lead role in the film?

5. Which American author wrote the science fiction novel "Neuromancer," which popularises the cyberpunk genre? It was published in the same year as the title of one of the best-known dystopian science fiction novels, whose main character is Winston Smith. When?

6. Who is the author of the novel "Atonement," and which Scottish actor plays the male lead in the film adaptation from 2007?

7. Which American writer is known for their satirical novel published in 1961, the title of which became a well-known phrase for a dilemma or paradoxical situation from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions?

8. Who wrote the novel "The Handmaid's Tale," which has been adapted into a popular television series, and what is their nationality?

9. Who is the author of the novel "The Catcher in the Rye," which has become a classic ofAmerican literature, and what do the first two initials of their name stand for?

10. Which well-known British writer and lover of anagrams has written numerous short stories, published 9 magazines and is best known for their acclaimed novel ‘Woman in a Marriage’?

Poetry inspired by Vivienne

by Vivienne’ s workshop participants (5 August 2017)

Instructions: find words out of the letters of your own name, then create a text or poem inspired by these words

She’s a case, a pincase, a supine can

She’s a vain, inane, insane pain pale, a fail, a murderous wail

by Anne Pincus

Thank you Vivienne

Vivienne intertwines ideas, people and images. She weaves and sews our wayward wefts, Sparking, prompting and triggering.

Vivienne shores our wily oceans

And incites our madness.

She equips and empowers.

She conquers our poetry fears

And shakes out bunches of creativity

Showers them with stardust and Nurtures sparks of light.

She digs in the chasms of our minds

And dredges out our dodgy daydreams.

by Nicki Denise, Anne Pincus, Birgit Schwan, Gill Woodman

Flower identification quiz by Tenley van den Berg

Do you know these flowers? Write the names below each flower, and check your answer on page 26.

Vivienne’s retirement song

Gimme Gimme Gimme Clean Windows – George Formby ABBA

Medley

by Heather Weil-Price, Joe Genlloud, Gabi Schmidt and Gill Woodman

Now she went teachin’ English to earn an honest bob For creative writers it's an interestin' job

Now it's a job that just suits her No English class would you prefer If you could see what she does there When she's teachin’ English

She’s from a town they call the Toon Not all that far from Brigadoon

With musicals she lifts the gloom Not just teachin’ English

In her profession, she worked hard Would she ever stop

She’d go straight into Schelling 10 From bus or U-Bahn stop

In flowery tops she looks divine

Her drizzle cake it is sublime Where does she even find the time When she’s teaching English

At most weekends she’s still on call Her magazine it’s loved by all Her students all feel ten feet tall Publishing in English

Ukelele

Her students all feel ten feet tall Publishing in English

ABBA! (10 bars of 4/4)

Half-past ten

And I’m sorting the papers in my flat all alone How I wish the students did this on their own

Cup of tea

brewing up in the kitchen as I cut and paste away I just hope I’ll make it through to the next day

There's not a soul out there No one to hear my prayer…

Gimme gimme gimme a mag before midnight

The students have been helping get the editing done.

Gimme gimme gimme a mag before midnight Even with a deadline we are finding this fun.

/ˌmӕɡəˈziːn/ is now finished it’s my last and I’m quite sad

It’s now time to pass it on to someone else

Copies sel-

ling It’s time for the table

In the foyer where we sell

Cake as bait ‘n other titbits go down well

There’s not a soul out there No one to hear my prayer

Gimme gimme gimme a mag before midnight

The deadline it is looming and we’re going to press

Gimme gimme gimme a mag before midnight

Take me through your copy; let’s just edit the rest

Give ‘er, give ‘er, give ‘er the mag before midnight

Got a Writing Skills class eight o’clock the next day

Give ‘er, give ‘er, give ‘er the mag before midnight

Still got loads of marking clogging up er in-tray

Ukulele

George Formby

As Viv has just one “syllabel”

And singing such the next we’ll tell Without Viv it won’t be so swell

When we’re teaching English

So, Vivienne is leaving now

She’s got more furrows yet to plough

In deep respect we all kowtow

Vivienne the distinguished!

In her profession she worked hard

Now it’s time to stop

Patently, she’s signing off

But leaving at the top

And so, she takes her final bow

She wipes the sweat from off her brow

Without her we just don’t know how

We’ll be teaching English

Although this is her final bow

It’s not goodbye but merely ciao

We raise our glasses to her now

Thanks for teaching English

10 eumorphous words from the depths of the OED

by Ian Butcher

anonymuncule (n.) An anonymous, small-time writer.

apricity (n.) The warmth of the sun in winter.

elucubration (n.) Studying or writing by candlelight.

eumorphous (adj.) Well formed.

hypergelast (n.) A person who will not stop laughing.

indesinence (n.) Want of a proper ending.

letabund (adj.) Filled with joy.

longueur (adj.) A long or boring passage of writing.

onomatomania (n.) Vexation at having difficulty in finding the right word.

vocabularian (n.) One who pays too much attention to words.

Vivienne’s cryptic retirement crossword by Scrambled egg or nice joke (6,4,3)

11 solutions entirely, and 3 in part, vivify this puzzle.

Across

8 Georgia is in theAbendzeitung briefly, in explosive publication (8)

9 Bing Crosby, VivienneArnold, and Walt Disney once returned bribe with string attached (6)

10 Butcher going after winger. As Lineker would say, it’s not quite right up your street (6)

11 Where you regularly go in England to hike eminent peaks with Victoria and Constance perhaps in tow (3,5)

12 (See 26)

14 Eric isn’t wise (9)

18,20According to Vivienne, an audacious one is naughty with five hundred pounds (6,6)

20 (See 18)

22 A track from Browne, with Sheeran accompanying, was on tour (9)

23 Where cabs drive you to drink (5)

26,12 XI hammered in London in 1965, and created CV years earlier (9,5)

29,31 When the disgruntled cyclist is gender neutral in Germany, he turns to watery beer (6,6)

31 (See 29)

32 This course is mild, and easy to cook (2,6)

Down

1 Seedy paste in Thai cookery (6)

2 Resort to bail (4)

3 One of the issues you’ve had with small Nordic folk (5)

4 Northern city supports frequent offers for decoration (7)

5 Mushy peas at the end of church (4)

6 Continent teetotallers touring southern Italy? (4)

7 Can be put up spectacularly in hotel for U.S. president on island retreat (8)

13A lot of the Irish are possessive (5)

15Teaching assistant dropped in MELTA’s reform: they’ve been axed (4)

16During nap, nearly stopped breathing (5)

17Used to cremate some unhappy relatives in India (4)

19Beast: a lion-hog hybrid (8)

21Perhaps Robert Galbraith or Stephen King compose with Pádraig, or Caitlin, for instance (3,4)

24A single worker’s grappling ten goats (6)

25An ode to flickering lamps (5)

27Stop in each alternate station (4)

28Heiress bequeaths letters to the Republic (4)

30Open party hosted byAntónio Guterres (4)

Poetry slam – SprachPRAXIS vs ChatGPT

by Joe Genlloud and AI

Thinking about what to put in this, I decided to have a poetry slam against ChatGPT.

flowers

puzzles

quizzes

baking

knitting

winter

aconite

pencil grip

creative writing novels

magazine

writing skills

Winterling

Newcastle

Kendal

The Lakes

Morecambe

Munich

London

Taxisgarten

Willibecher

saures Radler

cheeky

monkey

TSV 1860

St Patrick’s Day

Caitlin Padraig

Tizian

Finn

Vivienne Georgia Stanway

MELTA

VHS

my ladies

Schelling 10 British Council writing workshops

I chose two lists of the selection of “Vivienne words” above and asked ChatGPT to write the poem using the following instructions:

Write a poem with only four verses in the style of heroic couplets using the following words:

flowers

puzzles

quizzes

baking

knitting pencil grip creative writing novels

magazine writing skills

Sure enough, quite an impressive piece of poetry came back. I took a brief look and then scribbled down my own attempt, limiting myself to 60 minutes. Not feeling very heroic, I also decided not to be too strict about the syllable count.

Joe - 45 minutes

Bloody ChatGPT - 3 seconds

In a garden bloomed with vibrant flowers' might, I sought to solve life's puzzles, day and night. With quizzes as my guide, I'd conquer each test, Baking knowledge, wisdom, in success I'm blessed.

With knitting needles and a pencil grip so fine, I weaved tales in threads, with artistry sublime. Creative writing, my heart's sweetest refrain, In verses and in prose, my dreams would sustain.

Novels unfolded, worlds came alive, unbound, As pages turned, imagination was found. From dusty shelves, a magazine did reveal, Writing skills honed, my passions set to zeal.

With flowers' grace, and puzzles well resolved, Quizzes conquered, and baking skills evolved. Through knitting and a pencil's steady control, Creative writing blossomed, my heart extolled.

Round Britain quiz by Guess Who!

1. Progression from the lily-white boys, through a crowd, the Emperor Concerto and sisters in various guises leads to a service that oddly enough isn't SouthAmerican.

2. Where might you be heading for with a herb, a wise man, a baby's mother, and a dyslexic scythecarrier?

3. What fairy can transform a small shellfish into a trailing plant, a measuring device into a boundary, a fashion into an architectural feature, and a range into an optical device?

4. AScottish football team, golfing equipment and ball parks are not enough to help you deal with some false teeth.

5. Amodel, Caligula's horse (a wild one), and a park-keeper can all help you cross a river

6. I'll tumble for you with a loo and a moo to help you identify the author of these questions.

Double trouble

by Gill Woodman

There were very few things that could unsettle Penelope. She really thought the past 66 years had steeled up her nerves to cope with anything. But this was the third time todaythat this had happened. The first time she had thought nothing of it. The second time had left her slightly bemused. But now a third student had accosted her in the foyer, proudly offering her their homework. Homework she had never set. Her mind did a rapid causal analysis: too much alcohol last night, early onset dementia, a practical joke from her colleagues. But none of this really computed so she lowered herself slowly onto the brazen-blue angular seating beneath her and tried to quell her feeling of unease.

The students’ homework had been for Lucy, a colleague of many years. And even when the students were up close, face-to-face, they had still obviously believed they were giving their work to the right person. How could that happen? Admittedly the two colleagues were about the same age (Penelope a bit younger of course) and roughly the same build. But, as far as Penelope was concerned, that’s where the similarity ended. In all modesty, Penelope won on just about every count: hair (Lucy’s was wild and wavy), teeth (no comment), posture (Lucy tended to slouch), accent (Lucy had that Geordie twang which Penelope quite liked but was glad she hadn’t picked up, despite being born inNewcastle). Intellectually, Penelope was also superior; despite her doctorate, Lucy’s main passion was Newcastle United, say no more. So what on earth could make these students mistake these two female teachers? Penelope resolved to research more deeply when she got home. A shock was in store!

Back in her flat, like all good researchers, Penelope decided to ‘Google it’. After being distracted for 30 minutes by adverts for howto maximise a UK pension, tips for retirement and pictures of Georgia Stanway fanware, she finally plummed for a three-word search: ‘teacher perceived similarity’. This threw up plenty of theories about why teachers felt more drawn to other teachers who they regarded as sharing similar values, but it was zero help in understanding her current problem. She tried a new tack: ‘Whydo dogs look like their owners?’ The two first hits put her right off: the ‘mini me’ theory again suggested that we are all attracted to people or things which are familiar, this included pets and partners. So a potential dog owner will always be attracted to dog breeds which have a similar appearance to themselves. Hmm… it worked with Lucy (wild, wavy and white hair for her and her dog). But this was getting her nowhere. The breakthrough was to come from a very different corner

As a writer, Penelope was keen to get reading input from as many different sources as possible. One of them was the academic journal, Science Today! There, nestled in between an article about the earth’s inner core and one on how depression differs between males and females, was a short piece that immediately caught her attention. It was entitled: ‘The Arnwood Accommodation Syndrome (AAC) and its origins.’1 Her ipadwobbledas her finger shot overto this section, hovered for asecondandthenclicked!Her intuition was telling her – this is IT. And she was right.

In essence, the Arnwood Accommodation Syndrome, claimed that if two individuals shared sufficient socalled ‘deep commonalities’, then the outside world would begin to perceive them as similar, not just in terms of personality, but also with regard to their appearance. The deeper the commonalities, the greater the perception of similarity. Penelope’s heart was pounding and her mind was racing. What were her commonalities with Lucy and how deep were they? She grabbed a scrap of paper and started scribbling –pictures flashing though her head as she wrote.

1 Arnold, Vivienne & Woodman, Gill (2025), ‘The Arnwood Accommodation Syndrome and its origins’. In Science Today, 15: 315-319.

Both born in Northumberland within two months of each other – did that count as deep? Not sure.

Both love dogs: OK, getting hotter.

Both had posed with famous men – no, can’t be that!

Both had been very close to their mothers: hottest yet!

Both enjoyed watching a good game of footie: cooler perhaps.

Both loved walking in the Lakes (yes, very hot)

Then came the mind-bending realization of what could only be described as the deepest of commonalities! Both loved Willibecher!!! Of course, THAT must be it! Only a commonality as deep as that could be the reason why the students perceived Penelope and Lucy to be so similar that they gave their homework to the wrong person.

Penelope ran into the kitchen, grabbed her Willibecher and poured herself an ice-cold lager, with the soft foam reaching the top of the glass. She gulped at the golden delight until the glass was empty then threw it with gusto into the bin. The spell was broken; she had gone off Willibecher and, with that, she assumed the perceived similarity to Lucy would also be stopped. She would check with Lucy when her next homework was due and would linger in the foyer with intent on that day, trying to test out her new theory. God bless the Arnwood Accommodation Syndrome Theory for putting her out of her misery.

The retirement exam

by Jane Mortimer and Nick Jakob-Flynn

Sommer 2023

Examination paper overview

Overall topic: Retirement

Einzelprüfungsnummer 62621

Seite 1

You will be assessed on task fulfilment (including length), coherence, linguistic range, stylistic appropriateness and accuracy.

Indicate after each text the approximate number of words you have written. Note that 10% plus or minus is acceptable.

TASK 1 (Email, 200 words)

An esteemed and much-loved colleague in your university department is retiring. Write a short email to wish her all the best for her retirement. The style should be appropriate for publication in your English department’s student magazine (or similar). Use your own words

To: Vivienne

From: Jane & Nick

Re : Retirement wishes

Dear Vivienne

we have been knowing each other since a longer time and hereby we would like to expound our heartfelt best wishes to you on the occasion of your retiring. You have for sure made many joyful experiences during your time in the department. Especially the magazine has bought you and us great joy.

Moreover your alacrity for helping the colleges is admirable and praiseworthy. We think never has a college been as thoughtful than you and we are sorry to loose you. Also the students were appreciating your dedication and caring. They would certainly not want to miss you.

To sum it up, we are sending you the very best greetings for the future. We are sure you have much fun with your hobbies.

friendly greetings

Your colleges

ABritish quiz

by George Low

1. What is the most northerly point on the Scottish mainland?

2. Which English county has a land border to only one other county?

3. What is the smallest county in Scotland?

4. What is the only two-way street in England where motorists have to drive on the right?

5. Who was the last British monarch who never married?

6. Who was the last British monarch to die a violent death?

7. Which name has been used by most Kings of Britain? (Caution: trap!)

8. Who is considered by some to have been King Henry IX of Britain?

9. Which British Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize?

10. Which British Prime Minister lived at No 11 Downing Street?

11. Which British Prime Minister was the father of another British Prime Minister?

12. Which British Prime Minister was assassinated?

13. Which town in Britain was a member of the Hanseatic League (Hansestadt)?

14. What is the smallest city in Britain?

15. What is the name of two towns in England, pronounced differently?

16. What is the standard abbreviated form of the longest place name in the UK?

17. Which club first did the double, winning the FACup and coming first in the Football League?

18. What sport, apart from cricket, can be played at Lords cricket ground?

19. What sport do the Harlequins play?

20. Who was a British tennis and table tennis champion?

Ode to Vivienne

by Gill (4 verses) and Chatgpt (5 verses) – guess

Oh Vivienne, teacher extraordinaire

You fired the hearts of students with your flair And even colleagues bathed within the light Of your creative spirit, shining bright.

Each day you witnessed minds like blossoms bloom Inspiring tales spun from the classroom’s loom. The spark ignited, knowledge set ablaze, Imagination soared on words’ sweet haze.

In hallowed halls around the LMU You shared the gift of language, culture too No obstacles could stop you in your quest To feed young minds with insight, just the best.

And now retirement beckons, with the hope That life will just get better as you cope With long lies-in and coffee brought to bed By Pádraig, alongside papers to be read.

No more exams or sleepless nights to bear No papers to grade with diligent care Instead the freedom to embrace the day With open arms, let passions hold their sway.

The gang will miss you in so many ways, Your wit, ideas and inquisitive gaze; Your curiosity and awe-inspiring knack Of knowing tiny details from way back.

To lakes and mountains, you shall now retire, To breathe the alpine air, your heart’s desire, No textbooks bind you, no schedules to keep You may chase sunset’s glow, as day turns to sleep.

And in your heart, let memories reside

Of days well-spent, of minds you helped to guide, Of friendships forged, forever to remain, Embedded in your soul, and ne’er to wane.

So here’s to your retirement world, so free To journeys yet unknown, but soon to be To meetings and encounters full of verve

As you reap all the blessings you deserve.

(Chatgpt = verses 2, 5, 7, 8, 9)

which verses are which.

Knitting suggestions

chosen by Rachel McIntytre and Sandra Kotzor

Lake District by DROPS Design

Knitted DROPS hat and scarf with lace pattern in Alpaca

https://www.garnstudio.com/pattern.php?id=6773&cid=21

Vivienne Westwood X WATG crown hat pattern

https://www.woolandthegang.com/en/products/the-crownhat-pattern

Some other ideas ….

Goodbye Vivienne

Dear Vivienne Arnold,

As you embark on this new chapter of your life, bidding farewell to the university where you have dedicated years of your time and passion, we wanted to take a moment to express our heartfelt gratitude for everything you have done as a teacher, mentor, and co-creator.

Throughout our time at the university, your warm-hearted nature and unwavering support have made a profound impact on our educational journey. Your genuine care and kindness created an environment where students felt valued and encouraged to pursue their dreams. You always went the extra mile to ensure that each of us felt seen, heard, and understood.

One of the highlights of our time together was working on the university magazine. Your commitment to this project for many years showcased your dedication and love for fostering creativity and collaboration. Your guidance and expertise transformed the magazine into a platform where students could showcase their talents, express their ideas, and find their voices. It was an invaluable experience that we will always cherish.

Your passion for teaching was evident in every lecture, discussion, and interaction. You possessed a remarkable ability to ignite curiosity and inspire us to explore new horizons. Your depth of knowledge and willingness to share it with enthusiasm and clarity were truly remarkable. You not only imparted knowledge but also instilled a love for learning that will continue to shape our personal and professional growth.

As you step into retirement, please know that you have left an indelible mark on the lives of countless students. Your legacy as an educator and mentor will endure, and the lessons you have taught us will guide us in our future endeavours. Your absence will be deeply felt, but the memories and lessons we shared will continue to inspire us.

Thank you, VivienneArnold, for your unwavering dedication, warmheartedness, and generosity of spirit. May your retirement be filled with joy, relaxation, and new adventures. You have made a profound difference, and your impact will be remembered and appreciated always.

With sincerest gratitude, Your students.

Quiz answers

Football quiz answers (page 8)

1. Kelly Smith

2. Lucy Bronze

3. Steph Houghton

4. Ellen White

5. Gemma Fay

6. Lucy Bronze

7. Helen Ward

8. Fran Kirby

9. Vivianne Miedema

10. Georgia Stanway

Flower quiz answers (page 11)

1. Zinnia

2. Bluebell

3. Water Lily

4. Lotus

5. Cornflower

Crossword solution (page 15)

6. Daisy

7. Gladioli

8. Allium

9. Calla Lily

10. Aster

Literature quiz answers (page 9)

1. James Joyce (Finnegans Wake)

2. Salman Rushdie (The Satanic Verses)

3. Tom Stoppard (Hamlet)

4. Kazuo Ishiguro (Antony Hopkins)

5. William Gibson (1984)

6. Ian McEwan (James McAvoy)

7. Joseph Heller (Catch-22)

8. Margaret Atwood (Canadian)

9. J.D. Salinger (Jerome David)

10. Val ‘Nonnie’Diver (VivienneArnold��)

11. Black-eyed Susan

12. Lilac

13. Cock's Comb

14. Gloriosa (Flame Lily)

15. Nerine (Guernsey Lily)

Round Britain quiz answers (page 17)

1. Two lily-white boys, three's a crowd, the 5th piano concerto, and the Seven Sisters are all prime numbers. Amazon Prime.

2. Scarborough (Fair): Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

3. peri-winkle, -meter, -style, -scope.

4. Hearts, clubs and diamonds (without spades) are no use for (a) bridge.

5. Model T, Consul, Mustang, and Ranger are all Ford cars.

6. (Song by Boy) George, John, Low

A British quiz (page 23)

1 Dunnet Head

2 Cornwall

3 Clackmannanshire

4 Savoy Court, London (the entrance to the Savoy Hotel)

5 Elizabeth I

6 Charles I

7 George (All eight Henries and six of the eight Edwards were kings of England only!)

8 Henry Benedict Stuart, younger brother of the Young Pretender, Bonnie Prince Charlie

9 Winston Churchill

10 Tony Blair (more space for his family)

11 William Pitt the elder, Lord Chatham

12 Spencer Percival

13 Kings Lynn

14 St David’s

15 Gillingham (Kent and Dorset)

16 Llanvairpg

17 Preston North End 1889

18 Real Tennis

19 Rugby Union

20 Ann Jones / Ann Haydon-Jones