LIFELines
Singing at Adult Day Health stirs
A Note from EILEEN BRADSHAW >>
Dear Friend-
Over a year ago, I was a speaker at a downtown Sunday school class addressing the help available to caregivers of senior adults.
There were about 20 adults in the room. Most were active caregivers for senior adults. Hearing their stories, some were familiar, some were unique, but one man’s story still stands out. He cared for his wife who had dementia. He said he had many well-intended offers of help, yet nobody understood what they needed. I recall him saying, “I don’t need a casserole. I don’t need a hug, I need to know how to do her hair and someone to tell me how to not die before she does. I can’t stand the thought of her outliving me. What will happen to her?”
Most caregivers in that room were women, but the few men present nodded in agreement. His concerns resonated with them. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, there are 14.5 million male caregivers of adults. At LIFE Senior
Services, we have learned that while some caregiving challenges are universal, some may be more gender specific. Our new Men’s Caregiver Support group provides a safe space in which male caregivers can learn, share, and support each other.
Thanks for making this possible.
Eileen Ryan Bradshaw
Eileen
SENIORS by the numbers
Caregiver Needs Multiplying
The US Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) defines eldercare providers as individuals who provide unpaid care to someone age 65 or older needing help due to an age-related condition. This includes household or nonhousehold members, as well as persons living in retirement homes or assisted care facilities.
n 1 in 7 people provide unpaid eldercare in the United States.
n 59% of eldercare providers are women.
n 61% of eldercare providers also have jobs.
n 100% of eldercare providers face difficult daily challenges.
In previous issues of LIFELines we have addressed some issues related to eldercare. In this issue, along with many other topics, we will address some of the unique challenges male caregivers face.
Oklahoma was the first state in the nation to offer a tax credit for out-of-pocket costs to people providing eldercare to a family member. For more information on the tax credit call LIFE’s Tax Assistance Program at (918) 664-9000 ext. 1189. You can also visit www.AARP.org/Oklahoma Caring for Caregivers Tax Credit.
LIFELines Publishing Team: Boyd Chitwood, Kelly Kirchhoff, Greg Raskin, Lauren Zeligson
What are you doing on Friday the 13th this June? Thank your lucky stars and Celebrate LIFE with us at our annual gala — a night of gratitude, community, and, most importantly, impact.
Celebrate the “lucky LIFE” with an extraordinary night out while providing reassurance to area seniors that their community cares. Proceeds from Celebrate LIFE help older adults live independently, stay active, and remain connected.
This year, we’re continuing the dance party that brought new energy last year. Plus, we’re moving to an exciting new location: the Hyatt Regency in downtown Tulsa!
Enjoy a beautifully crafted dinner served table side, drinks, great company, a silent and live auction, and dancing to your heart’s content with a live band. It’s a lucky Friday, and we’re staying up late. We hope you’ll join us!
Celebrate LIFE - Thank Our Lucky Stars Friday, June 13, at 6:00 p.m. Hyatt Regency, 100 East 2nd Street
If you’d like to support the event as a sponsor, whether as an individual, business, or organization, or if you need more information, contact Gwynnie Hale, Development Officer, at (918) 938-7618 or ghale@lifeseniorservices. org.
we can’t wait to celebrate with you!
“We enjoy the opportunity to see our friends. it’s just a fun event alWays beautifully decorated by denise and her cre W. there alWays seems to be great, ne W ideas on the auction items.”
Susan and Rod Nordstrom, long-time supporters, Celebrate LIFE revelers, and a match made at a LIFE event.
>> Caregiver Spotlight
DO MEN STRUGGLE AS CAREGIVERS?
Yes, there were signs of changes happening to Bob’s wife, Becky. But, by the time Bob openly accepted what was going on he was, “…at the bottom of the tank. Saying the help I received from LIFE changed my life would be an understatement.”
Bob and Becky’s marriage was a loving partnership for over 50 years until her recent death. According to Bob, “She was a true partner and spouse in life. She lived a life of service, to her Lord, her family, and her
heart and in your mind. You know who they are, and you know who they were. That is tough to get through when you are mentally and physically exhausted.” Caregiving for someone with memory loss can frequently entail 24-hour attention.
On the day he finally had to take his wife to a memory care facility, Bob felt terrible knowing she would never come home again. He struggled with his feelings of anger, guilt, and loneliness. “I was so far down I couldn’t ever
“i am so grateful for What We had. it Was tough but a privilege and, i Would do it again.”
neighbors. She was a true servant, a total giver.” The two spent most of their free time outdoors, with Becky gardening or the two going fishing and camping. Their last big trip together was to Yellowstone.
However, circumstances began to change, slowly at first. “Those four or more years were without a doubt the hardest experiences I ever faced in my adult life.” Anger, a common feeling caregivers experience, was a central and conflicting sensation for Bob as he closely witnessed what was happening to this kind, giving woman.
“Even though your loved one is physically there, they’re not there. They are no longer the same person you once knew. You recognize them, but they don’t know you. It’s like living with a stranger. You become the caregiver of another human being. You still have a lot of love in your
imagine joy, or love in my life going forward.” Fortunately, his grown children intervened insisting if he didn’t receive help, they would end up losing both parents.
Ultimately finding and attending a support group that helped, Bob also kept hearing about a program of counseling through LIFE Senior Services. LIFE’s Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) provided Bob many tools to help contend with his current reality as well as the perspective he needed to persevere, live fully, and contribute to his family and community.
“Both LIFE Senior Services and my support group got me to the other side. Am I completely there? No way. Do I still have sad and angry thoughts? Yes. Yet, I am so grateful for what we had. It was tough but a privilege and, I would do it again. You can’t take close relationships for granted.”
“i knoW there are more men going through this same process that i’m going through.”
RESOURCES FOR CAREGIVERS
If you, or someone you know, has feelings similar to Bob’s please contact LIFE’s SeniorLine at (918) 664-9000 for referrals and assistance. Help is available.
LIFE’S CAREGIVER SUPPORT AND COUNSELING SERVICES
Since Becky died, Bob will tell you he hasn’t moved on from his former life, but continues forward. With the help he received from his support mechanisms Bob no longer recoils going to happy, familiar places he and Becky shared. Each encounter allows him to relive cherished memories of time they spent together. “This experience taught me to treasure each moment spent with a loved one.”
But here is something Bob would like to emphasize. Through the many counseling sessions and support groups, Bob observed he typically was the only male. “I know there are more men going through this same process that I’m going through. For whatever reason — if it’s pride, if it’s privacy, if it’s being thought of as weak — that really bothers me.” He adamantly insists that men should find someone so they can go to breakfast and talk about shared experiences, “Anything to let your guard down and talk.”
Now, Bob feels a sense of duty to share and support others facing similar situations. “Nobody knows what this is like except those who have experienced it. I benefited from the wisdom of others, so I want to help.” He currently attends groups to listen and support others. “I serve as cheerleader and designated hugger. I am so thankful for the lessons I learned through LIFE’s program: ‘I will prepare you for today, but also for your life after.’”
Caregiver Support Group meetings. Each group still has openings for new members. Caregivers have the opportunity to meet with other caregivers who are experiencing similar situations, needs, and challenges. The one-hour meeting provides a confidential space to talk, listen, learn and offer support to one another. Free respite care for loved ones is available during the support groups through LIFE’s Adult Day Health services.
CAREGIVER COUNSELING
LIFE also offers Caregiver Counseling for caregivers who need ongoing support. Caregivers can meet one-on-one with Donna, LIFE’s Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), to share their unique struggles, experiences, challenges, needs and achievements in a safe environment. She is a compassionate listener, trained counselor, and a trusted resource for caregivers.
MEN’S CAREGIVER SUPPORT GROUPS
LIFE now offers a new caregiver support group especially for men. This supportive network of men gathers to help others like them through shared life experiences. The group meets the 3rd Wednesday of every month at 2:00 p.m. at LIFE’s Central location, 5950 East 31st St.
For information about Caregiver Support, call Donna Mancini at (918) 664-9000, ext. 1137 Or scan this QR to go to our web resources. https://www.lifeseniorservices.org/caregiversupport
Paul Returns
LIFE’S CARING STAFF MAKES ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE
Last year we saw, yet again, how much impact our caring staff members at LIFE Senior Services can have.
During the United Way’s Day of Caring, NORDAM brought teams of employees to volunteer at LIFE’s Adult Day Health (ADH) facility at Pine and Lansing. Their good work transformed sections of the facility badly in need of repair and rejuvenation. Paul was part of that group. He signed on to help without knowing the beneficiary. He soon discovered it was with an organization he knew well.
Paul’s wife had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s about four years ago. She died earlier
the people running it that make the difference.” “My wife was 52-years old and she didn’t have the looks of an Alzheimer’s patient. She didn’t fit the appearance of what everyone else might think. She was a very happy person and she could sing. The second or third time we were here I heard Jeniece (LIFE’s family assistance coordinator at ADH), coming down the hall and she - could - sing – she could sing like a bird, too.”
In spite of Paul’s protective nature and apprehensions about leaving his wife, he learned how a special person anywhere can create a positive environment. Paul said, “Jeniece wasn’t just punching the clock; she cared deeply and that made all the difference for me.”
“jeniece Wasn’t just punching the clock; she cared deeply and that made all the difference for me.”
last year, just months before Paul came to serve with NORDAM. Through those years, Paul worked hard to take care of Tricia’s complex needs, all while holding down a full-time job. Occasionally he looked for additional help to care for her when his other resources were exhausted. “I didn’t think there was any way I could leave my wife at a place, or with someone, I didn’t know.”
From the outside, Paul didn’t know what to think about ADH. He said, “It’s like anywhere else; it’s
The day Paul and NORDAM appeared at LIFE’s ADH was Paul’s first day coming back up that driveway since his Tricia died. “There was one special lady I wanted to see that made this a good experience for us. It was really good to see Jeniece’s smiling face and I couldn’t wait to give her a hug this morning.”
Jeniece demonstrates when your work is about people, and the people who do the work really care, everyone flourishes. Your support of LIFE makes all the difference.
Scan the QR code to see why people are so excited about the new Roma Berry Active Senior Center.
L/R Tricia and Jeniece at ADH
>>
Volunteers for LIFE
SAPULPA KNITTING GROUP MAKES GOOD ON HOLIDAY PROMISE
All through the year, a group of people volunteer in Creek County at LIFE’s Sapulpa office. The Happy Hands knit, crochet, and stitch works with careful attention providing hand-crafted warmth to seniors in LIFE’s case management programs and at Vintage Housing. Hats, scarves, afghans, blankets prepared with kind hands and caring hearts go out in November and December as part of the Holiday Project. Along with the handiworks, Happy Hands make sure to send along snack items, puzzles, games, and hygiene essentials
LIFE’S ANNUAL HOLIDAY PROJECT
which augment basic needs and provide a little something extra during the holidays.
In addition, Sapulpa’s Happy Hands custom-stitch bags and fill them with hats, scarves and blankets for children in the Head Start program. The highquality, colorful items thrill children and delight their parents who know their little ones have an extra layer of warmth crafted by their neighbors and delivered with tenderness.
The Holiday Project brings joy and connection to individuals LIFE serves. Knowing people in the community value and remember them, recipients take heart in a season which could otherwise find them lonely while celebrating without family. Participants receive holiday stockings, delivered by people who care, with gifts that both serve their needs and brighten the season.
A total of 1,325 people at holiday time this year received loving attention by volunteers who remained active and involved serving their community.
GIVE 5, GET EVEN MORE
We talk a lot about it at LIFE Senior Services, graduates of the program describe its transformative nature, and local news outlets want to share what’s going on with Give 5.
Now is the time for anyone to sign up who wants to know about the many ways to stay active, meet and enjoy others, learn about Tulsa’s magnificent nonprofit community, and meaningfully offer themselves to the community in which they live. Contact Danielle Hill at (918) 938-7635 or dhill@lifeseniorservices.org
Giving feels good. If you would like to explore giving options to see if it is right for you, contact Greg Raskin at (918) 938-7643 or graskin@LIFEseniorservices.org. You can also use this convenient QR code.
