He recorded himself whispering “I hate meat, food is gross” and played it on repeat all through the night in order to intentionally brainwash himself. With his own voice. 2
Sometimes at work I will be overly aware of my body. I’ll feel uncomfortable but try to orient myself in a way to look natural, like I’m just chilling.
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I love you too, baby
Need anything? — A hug.
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You’ll make it. You’re tenacious. Just remember to be tenacious and compassionate. Stop levitating me
M
y dad asked me if I had any grievances with him. I told him that I tell everyone how similar we are, how much of a loss it will be when he is gone, and how proud I am of him. I’m proud he is my dad. I talked to him about how I believe people should be moral because they care about others, rather than to serve a higher being. While I discussed this with my dad in the hospital, he seemed to wholeheartedly agree with everything I said. But then, the day before he passed, he implored my brother, mom and I to not completely shut out religion, more specifically the possibility of greater entities; he claimed to have been seeing inexplicable things. Pretty sure that was just the painkillers talking and I’m pretty sure (but maybe not completely) that I still don’t believe in a higher being.
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et & setti ettingset et &settin etting se et & s etting set settingse 6
ing set Y & setting ng set & set& settin setting se &setting et & ou know when you have moments of complete happiness and peacefulness, like when you’re in nature, or with friends, or in a car listening to loud music, and everything is perfect and you don’t have any worries? Well shrooms was like that for hours, multiplied by a million. I tried to force myself to have happy moments like that in my relationship, but he always ruined it somehow and I never felt truly happy with him. Now that I’m free, I’m starting to have those happy moments that I completely forgot existed, which is why I think I’m ready to do shrooms again. Anyways, here’s the run-down: I started off by laughing a lot and at first I thought, “haha, I’m just so happy and in a giggly mood” but then one of the guys said, “laughing does happen sometimes” and I was like, “oh right, I’m just high.” Then the trees started moving slightly and I remember thinking, “okay cool, this is cool.” I started seeing colours, but it was dark, giving the colours this dark filter. Hard to explain, but it was fucking beautiful. And there was this crazy intricate fish pattern on the Ojibway boardwalk. Someone started telling some long joke about a moth and then his face slowly morphed into one. That’s when thinking started to turn dark, scary, and demonic, but I was able to will myself out of that state and return to happiness. Shortly after, I started to question literally everything. What is money, how is it valuable, what do I even DO at work, why is the education system the way it is, who is Mr Lock, why can I not call my parents while on shrooms, why are human bodies shaped the way they are? Everything that I have ever known seemed surreal, but it was incredible to rethink the structures that we have grown accustomed to. I remember suddenly being by a car. It was Shawn and Eve who had come to trip sit the rest of the time and drive us home later. We somehow ended up on a hill (I think in Micmac? Malden? I’m not sure) and we could see the ambassador bridge from afar, all beautifully lit up. It was also moving and wavy and I was in awe. I was also crying a lot for the duration of the trip, but it was of happiness and I was just overwhelmed by how much I was seeing and thinking and processing (but in a good way). Shawn dropped me and Deacon off at the Tim’s near our houses and I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and my face started sprouting green growths. I left the bathroom, met up with Deacon, and we started walking home. I said to him, “why don’t we just sleep on
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the pavement, I don’t think we will ever get to our houses, the street is just repeating itself!” He told me I was crazy and walked me home. I went inside, still high as fuck and turned off all the lights — I thought it was super late but it wasn’t — and my mom came in my room. Confused, she said, “Vienne, everyone is still awake, why did you turn off all the lights”. I struggled for words,
Though perhaps counterintuitive, sharing your vulnerabilities, rather than your achievements can help strengthen relationships. but eventually managed to say, “oh sorry, I’m going to sleep now please shut my door,” and then she left. I laid in bed for what seemed like forever, all the while convinced that I would never progress from that moment, and that my being would be permanently frozen in time. I was wrong. I woke up the next day.
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Today at work, Dante told me that once I develop a relationship with God, everything will make sense. He doesn’t “believe in religions, only in God”. The essence of this passion-filled, condescending spiel of his was that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people, and that things fall into place once you establish a relationship with God. Maybe an overarching higher being does exist, but regardless, it is an absolute truth that any sort of karma does not. This conversation also supervened discourse on my dad’s declining health, so I took offence to the implication that he did something to deserve impending death, which is not true. My other issue with this, apart from Dante trying to force his beliefs on me by telling me to read the bible every night, is that people do moral things to serve some great entity. Can’t people just be nice because they genuinely care about people, rather than to ensure their own entry into some sort of heaven? I was talking to another coworker about this but then he asked me why it matters if the outcome is the same. Who cares why people are nice, as long as good deeds are done and people feel good, right? But for me, intention 100% matters. I think you’re still selfish if you do a good
I
moved to Montreal at 18 to go to Concordia University. I really thought that it was going to be the perfect move for me; I could practice my French, and was ready to thrive in a big city. But I hated it. I realized I hated my boyfriend that I moved there with, I hated the constant congestion that the busyness of the city provided, and I hated how easy it was to feel lonely, despite being surrounded by people all the time. The language barrier was tougher than expected because conversational French is a lot different than what you’re taught in French immersion public school. I missed things that I didn’t think I
would: backyards, fields, the Detroit River, driving, county roads, forests, home cooked meals, and coming home to a house full of people. I was super homesick and missed my parents and friends above anything else. Covid forcing me to come home was the best thing that ever happened. I thought I was a city girl, but I’m really not. I also thought I hated Windsor and wanted to get out, but now I know why people stay. Montreal might have been one of the lowest points of my life, but at least it taught me to appreciate home.
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The weight usually dissipates
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but for this one itwon’t.
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Time passes so quickly 16
S
o I was watching Normal People and the only problem with it is that they make the female lead bitchy, shy, and painfully introverted. Despite these negative traits, guys and select friends always seem to notice her being alone at parties, etc. Nope, that doesn’t happen, you just become a friendless bore! I strongly believe you have to feign confidence to thrive in this world.
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There were so many people and I’ve taken on so many new traits and mannerisms now that I don’t even know what or who I’ve morphed into. am everyone and no one. Research has proven that it is the quality of relationships in your life, above everything else, that is what leads to ultimate happiness.
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I think about this a lot...
...it made me want to change and become happier by focusing on my friendships and family, rather than school or work. Probably the most valuable thing that someone told me recently is that perfectionism isn’t a positive trait. This was weirdly eye-opening. She’s right; I have always seen myself as a perfectionist, and I am told that I am one. It has become part of my identity and I have always associated it with hard work and persistence. But it isn’t that; it can inhibit one from trying new things for fear of failure and it can prevent victims of the trait from achieving more goals, since they are so preoccupied with striving for perfection in a specific area. Apparently a key to happiness is well-roundedness; physical health and social lives are even
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more important than academic success. I recently decided to intentionally shift my focus from school and started making time for family, friends, healthy eating, sleep, working out, and hobbies. In university, stress got me so bad that I got SHINGLES at 18 years old! Wtf, right? After losing my dad this year, I knew I had to make changes in order to not let stress and grief control me. Letting my grades slip slightly and being okay with it is a sort of backwards attempt at self-improvement, that so far has set me on a path toward a more well-rounded and happier me. Plus, I’m only 20. Obviously hard work never ceases to be crucial, but your twenties are for partying, meeting people, exploring the world, and self-discovery, right?
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pt perpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad truth. I think that en you’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in all your relationships; you want people to care about you as much as you ow you care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone has to come to terms with the fact that only ividuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for yourself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others otionally because they are usually unable to provide the support that you want. The belief that everyone just uses everyone suggests omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and to me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an ery-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad truth. I think that when you’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in your relationships; you want people to care about you as much as you know you care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so ngerous and that everyone has to come to terms with the fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for urself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others emotionally because they are usually unable to provide the pport that you want. The belief that everyone just uses everyone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad th. I think that when you’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in all your relationships; you want people to care about you much as you know you care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone has to come to terms with e fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for yourself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous rely on others emotionally because they are usually unable to provide the support that you want. The belief that everyone just uses eryone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and to me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is erently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad truth. I think that when you’re breaking down you espelly crave meaning in all your relationships; you want people to care about you as much as you know you care about them. But I guess alize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone has to come to terms with the fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only u will be there for yourself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others emotionally because they are usually able to provide the support that you want. The belief that everyone just uses everyone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning relationships, and to me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. hich I guess is the sad truth. I think that when you’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in all your relationships; you want ople to care about you as much as you know you care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone s to come to terms with the fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for yourself when shit happens your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others emotionally because they are usually unable to provide the support that you want. The lief that everyone just uses everyone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and to me, the using concept rpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad truth. I think that when u’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in all your relationships; you want people to care about you as much as you know u care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone has to come to terms with the fact that only ividuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for yourself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others otionally because they are usually unable to provide the support that you want. The belief that everyone just uses everyone suggests omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and to me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an ery-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad truth. I think that when you’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in your relationships; you want people to care about you as much as you know you care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so ngerous and that everyone has to come to terms with the fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for urself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others emotionally because they are usually unable to provide the pport that you want. The belief that everyone just uses everyone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is inherently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad th. I think that when you’re breaking down you especially crave meaning in all your relationships; you want people to care about you much as you know you care about them. But I guess I realize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone has to come to terms with e fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only you will be there for yourself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous rely on others emotionally because they are usually unable to provide the support that you want. The belief that everyone just uses eryone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning in relationships, and to me, the using concept perpetuates that humanity is erently stuck in an every-man-for-himself mentality. Which I guess is the sad truth. I think that when you’re breaking down you espelly crave meaning in all your relationships; you want people to care about you as much as you know you care about them. But I guess alize how that’s so dangerous and that everyone has to come to terms with the fact that only individuals have their own backs. Only u will be there for yourself when shit happens in your life. It’s so dangerous to rely on others emotionally because they are usually able to provide the support that you want. The belief that everyone just uses everyone suggests an omission of any deeper meaning
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Spelling I
n the fifth grade, I desperately wanted to win a spelling bee. Not sure why. I was just insanely competitive as a little kid and wanted to win something, I guess. They gave us a list of potential words that would come up in the first rounds of the competition and I studied them for days. Finally came the long-anticipated moment — and I blew it! To make matters worse, the word that stumped me was something stupidly easy like chorus, or choral or something. My disappointment seemed to leach into my friend Angela’s consciousness, as she was also visibly upset when some other word rendered her another loser. I was unwarrantably devastated, and associated thoughts of my failure occupied my mind for far too long. I was actually crying as I sullenly marched back to my classroom, and upon returning
to my desk, my teacher began to explain what the Holocaust was, of all things. Keep in mind, this was my first time learning about the genocide. The class then proceeded to the gymnasium for an assembly, where the guest speaker was an actual Holocaust survivor. I couldn’t hear a thing because she wasn’t properly microphoned, and I was clearly insensitive to any issue except for my own because throughout the presentation on Holocaust trauma, Angela and I continued to sob about a fucking spelling bee. All the teachers probably thought we were avid listeners and heavily affected by the disturbing recounts of experiences at concentration camps. Little did they know our true grievance. We were just sore losers, uncaring of anything that actually mattered.
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