The Mindset of Adoption, by Victoria Gunbatar JULY 23, 2018 / VPR PATIENT OUTREACH PROGRAM
Hold up. Before you think, “Ugh, another sappy adoption story,” give me 20 seconds. True, we typically associate “adoption” with images of people who take in children not born to them. (And, yes, we sometimes get a bit sappy about it.) But, one can adopt a host of things nowadays – from a pet to an exercise plan and from political opinions to cultural practices. You can adopt an alternative lifestyle, a life-changing diet, or a philosophy of life. Heck, you can even adopt a highway! So, why do we use this word “adopt” for an array of seemingly unrelated endeavors? Because they DO have something in common. In fact, lots of things. No matter who you are or what you do, chances are you’ve “adopted” something (or should).
In January 2005, I stood before officials at the U.S. Consulate in Guangzhou, China, raised my right hand, and made a pledge that would forever change me. I vowed to love and care for the bundle in my arms as if she were my own flesh and blood. I crossed a line. Not just legally or financially, but – deeper yet – emotionally, philosophically, and relationally. I had adopted a child, yes, but the mindset which initiated that act (and would continue to evolve from the repercussions of it) was, perhaps, a more monumental adoption.
I believe there are key processes that occurred with the adoption of my daughter that are similar to the paradigm shift that takes place anytime you try to embrace something outside yourself. This doesn’t mean adopting a human life can be equalized, for example, with taking on your best friend’s boho fashion style, but there is, I think, a core kinship. To wrap my brain around this, I made a list of four fundamental consistencies of adoptive acts: •
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Adoption isn’t just an “act”; it’s a mindful intent to change something about your life. In fact, the word originates from the Old French “adoptare,” meaning “to choose for oneself.” You’ve got to be all in because, with true adoption, there’s no turning back. If you bring home a puppy from the animal shelter only to return it two months later when you move, you never fully realized the adoptive transformation that would have made the puppy integral to your life, despite fluctuations in external circumstances. It’s not easy to admit that there were many times after bringing my daughter home that I agonized because she wouldn’t bond with me. “What have I done? This is too hard,” I lamented. Then I would remember my three biological kids. It wasn’t always unbridled bliss with them either – no one said parenting was easy! Adoption doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a deliberative process of day-today choices that culminates in something markedly unlike the past. As a Trainer at VPR POP, I have the privilege of working with patient ambassadors who, in response to living with chronic illness, have chosen to adopt a mindset of self-advocacy. Their stories inspire me because they have determined to live empowered lives within the constraints of a diagnosis they definitely did not elect to receive. Similarly, every day with my daughter involves an intentional choice to love, to learn, and to listen to the voice within that urges me forward no matter how difficult it can be. Adoption changes you in ways you can’t anticipate, and it’s important to accept that you won’t be the same. Your relationships may be altered. You will be stretched in new ways . . . but it may lead you to a better version of yourself. Earlier this year, I attended a lecture on the practice of minimalism. This was a type of adoption with potential to radically modify how a person eats, dresses, and furnishes his/her home. The speaker had attendees sign up to be part of an e-community where they could network for accountability and encouragement. (While the concept was appealing, I concluded that, with four kids and the tubs of mementos in my basement that accompany them, I maybe didn’t qualify.) The point is, adoption can be pervasive, impacting multiple areas of your life. It’s crucial to embark on the journey with a heart ready to receive unexpected struggles and
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pleasant surprises alike. I am a different person now than I was before adopting my daughter. It has demanded sacrifice and self-restraint, but it has also rendered a deep resolve and contentment that I could never have known without choosing her. Adoption pulls you along a wave of emotions – from shock, to surrender, to serenity – no matter what type of adoption you’re dealing with. On a difficult day, you might say, “What on earth was I thinking?” only to wonder the next morning, “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” Case in point: you decide to adopt a fitness plan for better health, but when the honeymoon phase wears off, your gym is suddenly a dungeon. Then comes the emotional battle of pushing through the slump to a more vibrant you! Before I ever saw my daughter, I chose the name Serena – Latin for “calm, tranquil, and serene.” (By the fourth child, a mama can dream.) Well, guess what? Total misnomer! My girl turned out to be loud, strong-willed, and extremely active. I was disillusioned when she didn’t meet my expectations, but I slowly surrendered to her, not my version of her. Eventually, I even came to appreciate the upside of her personality traits: yes, she can be loud, but she speaks up for herself. Granted, she possesses an iron will but name a natural born leader who doesn’t? It’s OK if you don’t immediately see whatever you’ve adopted as kismet. You might experience frustration, remorse, anger, or even resentment. Just don’t be surprised if, one day, initial regret has remarkably become eternal gratitude. It’s all part of the mindset of adoption.