Edition 40 | 2021
Navigating Queer Dating Words University of South Australia Rainbow Club Artwork Alex Lam
For many, being queer is self-love as an act of rebellion, eschewing traditional social norms of straightness, gender roles, marriage and monogamy. Our relationships and desires for one another have, for large parts of history, been deemed abnormal in some way, ranging from odd and unusual to illegal and immoral. We have had marriage equality in Australia since 2017, but to wider society our relationships remain, at best, hypersexualised, and, at worst, a mistake that must be undone. The truth is that relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and everyone experiences relationships differently, queer or not.
through the narrow dimensions that women should only be able to achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration, that men have uncontrollable sex drives 24/7, and that queer sex is inherently kinky. It sends the message that anything else is wrong and inferior. But these are unrealistic standards that most couples do not need to aspire to for happiness. Despite the impression that seemingly perfect relationships just somehow happen because they are meant-to-be, the reality is that, just like getting HDs, relationships require effort to succeed. Queer people not only see these “perfect” relationships (the ones where the other half of a person is just around the corner, or the romcom cliché of finding the perfect person when one is not actively seeking) we internalise it. These relationships don’t mirror or uphold a shining example of reality, let alone a queer one. When this is all that we see in our world, it makes it difficult for us to know what a relationship should truly be, and how to make relationships work in a way that is right for us.
Some of us are tragic romantics who are monogamous. Some of us just want to have a good time with no emotional commitment. Some of us are somewhere in between. And some of us have no idea what we’re doing. None of these are inherently right or wrong, and everyone is free to choose whatever path to take. What is not okay is shaming each other for who we are. People who desire long-term monogamous relationships are not boring conservative normies. Likewise, those among us who enjoy hookups through Tinder and Grindr are not immoral walking STIs. Some people’s idea of fun is taking a monthlong mini holiday as a couple, while for others fun is being fingered by some gorgeous rando in a nightclub loo. There is no shame in having a good time.
This is particularly relevant to queer culture. Historically, queerness has gone against societal norms of heteronormativity. A prominent attitude is that we ought to embrace our socially rebellious existence and do the opposite of straight people to prove our queerness. For some, a defining aspect of queer culture is rejecting monogamy and long-term relationships in favour of hookups, polyamory and kink. But times have changed, and the cultural differences between hetero and queer relationships are slowly merging. It is no longer as taboo for straight people to have sex outside of marriage, be single, or use sex toys.
The media likes to show an idealised image of what relationships should be like, and pushes the idea that this ideal is what everyone should aspire to attain. “Real” relationships are depicted as being effortless, conflict-free, and permanently in the honeymoon phase of love, and heterosexual. Likewise, sexual satisfaction is portrayed
RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID REGARDLESS OF THE QUANTITY OF TIME IT LASTS; WHAT MATTERS IS THE QUALITY OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. 24
