IN HER SHOES
BETWEEN TWO WORLDS H
e should at least know how to speak English,” I told my mother, who kept insisting that the Sudanese man—one whom I had never met—asking for my hand in marriage was the most suitable match for me. According to my mother, I was being shallow in stipulating that my future husband have a college degree. Apparently, decent morals and an awareness of one’s religion are all that is required for a man to marry me. “You will never find anyone better suited for you”, my mother insisted. Full of doubts about our level of compatibility, I conceded to give the man—let’s call him Adeeb—a chance. My fears were not unfounded. It turns out that Adeeb expected me to marry him as soon as possible, despite my remaining years left in college. When I mentioned that I would never consider marriage until after graduation, he was very confused and asked for a reason. (Was it not obvious?) Once married, he expected to be the sole breadwinner in the family, while I would assume a position in the home. It became clear that he did not take my schooling or plans for my future as seriously as I did. Needless to say, I ended the “relationship.” 40
I argued quite a bit with my other, because she truly believed m that Adeeb was perfect for me. Never, of course, would she think to force me into such a marriage, and never would she succeed if she tried. Though I understand she was counseling me to undertake what she believed was best for me, I must admit that I felt hurt and misunderstood. I cringed at the thought of my hard work and ambitious pursuits resulting in marriage to a foreign stranger who spoke no English and possessed no higher education. So why did my mother push me to accept Adeeb’s proposal with such vehemence? Although my family has lived in America for many years, my parents still view much of life through the lens of their Sudanese heritage and likewise think that I should make choices in the same way. Inside, I am torn. I feel caught in a delicate balancing act between respecting my origins while embracing the American culture I have come to value. And the two are vastly different. First, in the Sudan, girls attend college—but their top priority is to marry as soon as possible. Therefore, most girls do not take their college education seriously, and if they’re still unmarried after graduation, they simply wait for suitors
VERILY MAGAZINE · TEASER 2012
in hopes of getting married. In many Muslim communities, women experience pressure to marry at a relatively young age while men may marry whenever they please. Some elders even encourage the men to marry later. If a woman desires to pursue a career, she can be certain to experience constant pressure to find a husband “before it is too late.” This double standard is troublesome, not to mention f rustrating. Yet, without any doubt, this mentality is the one with which my mother was raised and it is the same one with which she continues
MIXED MEDIA COLLAGE BY MARY FRANCES FOSTER
BY A REEJ HASSAN