Pelican Edition 5 - Name/less by UWA Student Guild

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PRESI MILLI RILEY TORIAL TORIAL TORIAL

Macklemore. I love him. His name reminds me of summer, friends, and simple days. He said you die twice, once when they bury you in the grave, the second time when someone last mentions your name. Corny shit. But does make you think. What do you want to be remembered for? Some names send thrills running up your spine, others can send chills. A name born with you, nicknamed, dead name, maiden name. A brand. What do you want your name to mean to others? I had the pleasure of attending a workshop run by Venture along with other female leaders around campus. It’s refreshing to take a moment and become re-inspired by the wisdom and integrity of your peers. Together, we worked through defining ourselves, our values, and our mission. Something which stuck out to me was dedicating yourself to your mission instead of the objects, people and names that surround you. I’m taking some of my own advice this week, and dedicating some time to thinking about purpose, focus and finding clarity on my mission.

Well, I guess we’ve boycotted our own theme by having our name/torials smack bang on page one! But - we’re rule-breakers here... we don’t follow no rules. Whether you’re a BNOC or prefer to fly under the radar, you’ve landed in the right place - no/name’s land! Here, we explore names, lack of names, and things that have nothing to with names… So basically nothing everything - you name it!

Less about us though - if you’ve been reading our content and had a thought fly into your mind that you’d like to create something with us - we have one more edition coming up this year! Get in touch with us, one of our friendly sub-editors, or join our Facebook group to get your name (and maybe even a shiny nude!) in print for our final edition. Like all of us have a name, all of us have a story!

We all carve our names into the limestone of our lives. No matter how deeply we carve, no matter what we write, the wind and the sand will work away until there’s only the faintest outline left. Others write over your name too, or add to it, until the limestone is one big collective story, of slowly fading impressions. What you write will only last so long – so make sure it’s goshdarn special...

Contents Name/less

Match the Bio! (A Game) | Page 6

FILM

Match the Bio! (Did you get them right?) | Page 74

The Man with No Name Amy Papasergio | Page 13

ARTS

Tales from the extras: Boa Antahputro | Page 71

Where Less is Not Always More and Not Always Enough – Izabela Barakovska | Page 54 CAMPUS AFFAIRS

FINANCE AND ECONOMICS

An Investigation into UWA’s Finances Alexander Knott | Page 44

Narrow Naming: What UWA’s Buildings Tell Us About Academia Camila Egusquiza | Page 18

LIFESTYLE

COMEDY

Farmers in the Big City! Patrick Eastough | Page 58

Remembering the 724 BC Olympic Games - Faisal Hamza | Page 66 Questions to ask your Uber Driver instead of “busy night? - Megan Rundle | Page 68 DIVERSITY

A World Without White Saviours – Cleo Robins | Page 20 FASHION

When does comfy chic become too comfortable? - Mia Alfaro | Page 64 In the Name of Sustainability! - Emma Forsyth | Page 70

Drinking the Girl Boss Kool-Aid Lux Alkazar | Page 26

LITERATURE WRITING

AND

CREATIVE

The views expressed within this magazine are not the opinions of the UWA Student Guild or Pelican Editorial Staff but of the individual artists and writers. The Pelican team acknowledges that the UWA Campuses are located on the lands of the Whadjuk and Mineng peoples of the Noongar nation, the original and continuing storytellers and custodians of their lands. These lands were stolen, and sovereignty was never ceded.

How can YOU get involved? Join our Pelicreators 2021 Facebook group, or email the Editors at pelican@guild.uwa.edu.au

MUSIC

Why you should admit you love Taylor Swift - Vivienne Chester | Page 24 name/less - an ode to ghost-writing Saul Revell | Page 62 POLITICS

Political Poetry: Say More with Less Luke Barber and Maddi Broad | Page 10 Politicontiki - Phoebe Levin | Page 22 The Rise (and Demise?) of Egg Boy Luke Barber | Page 30 SCIENCE

Identifying the Nameless Jack Logan | Page 47 Forensic AnthropologyCourtney Henry | Page 50 SPORT

UWA and WA Athletes Shine at Golden Olympics - Joseph Dawson | Page 60 TECHNOLOGY AND GAMING

Tech Company Names: A Guide Tim Wong | Page 8 How Activision Blizzard Besmirched Its Name - Kim Harrison | Page 52

Sub-Editors ARTS - Matt Bryan & Natasha Brandon CAMPUS AFFAIRS - Camila Egusquiza and Aideen Young COMEDY - Charlie Mills & Faisal Hamza DIVERSITY - Amman Bari & Cleo Robins FASHION - Emma Forsyth FILM - Amy Papasergio & Boa Antahputro ECONOMICS AND FINANCE - Brook Lewis & Charles Fedor LIFESTYLE - Courtney Withers LITERATURE AND CREATIVE WRITING Elena Perse and Ellie Fisher MUSIC - Jack Meakins POLITICS - Luke Barber & Maddi Broad SPORT - Nicholas Warrand & Lulu Suleski SCIENCE - Jack Logan & Paris Javid

ART

No Cuts – Hnin Ei Kyaw Win | Page 38 Name/less - Savannah Regan | Page 42 PHOTOGRAPHY

Parks on a Pedestal: Mason Gardens – Ashley Browse | Page 40

TECHNOLOGY AND GAMING - Ahmed Suliman Pelican Editors 2021 Riley Faulds & Millie Muroi Magazine designed by Xander Sinclair

For Pelican this year, we’re having an all-new ‘Pelican Plus’ section online for each issue. Wherever you see this little tech-whiz pelican, there will be illustrations, diagrams, further content or exciting ideas related to that page/section. Go online to pelicanmagazine.com. au to see all the bonus content for this issue.

Help! In honour of ‘Name/less’, we’ve scrambled our contributor bios and can’t get them back together again. Draw a line between the contributor name and which bio you think matches it (or number them) and see how many you get right! Post a pic of your attempt on social media and tag @PelicanMagazine to have a chance to win a Name/ less prize. Answers on Page 74!

Ahmed Suliman

Aideen Gallagher Amy Papasergio Ashley Browse

Boa Antahputro

Camila Egusquiza Charles Fedor Charlie Mills

Courtney Henry

Courtney Withers Edward Charles Elanor Leman Ellie Fisher

Faisal Hamza

Izabela Barakovska Jack Logan

Jarrad Inman Jas Saunders

Kim Harrison Luke Barber

Maddi Broad and Luke Barber Megan Rundle Mia Alfaro

Natasha Brandon Paris Javid

Patrick Eastough Phoebe Levin Prema Arasu Riley Faulds

Sebastian Callum Tim Wong

Vivienne Chester Xander Sinclair

This magazine is name/less. Female lions are mane/less.

Some say she still haunts the Winthrop Bell Tower to this very day is yet to be informed that drinking sangria isn’t a personality trait. ’s saviour is Alexandra Savior As of this week, _______ can no longer do a cartwheel. is a half-black heart attack. may or may not be a pirate, a ghost, or a vampire, but refuses to confirm which one dreams of one day making it into ‘Pelican’s top ten best dressed.’ is locked down loves coming home to a full mousetrap. Rest in peace Sean lock. likes to talk to bones while examining them. They haven't spoken back...yet! True to her Italian heritage, ______ likes to eat spaghetti whilst watching spaghetti westerns. pooled their collective creativity and this was still the best they could do. wishes cafés would stop thinking they are too good to serve scrambled eggs. has some strong opinions about spearmint milkshakes. wants her Sub-Editor to move to Canberra with her *please Luke*. is wondering whether she should have the last slice of the cheesecake. is just waiting for mid-semester break. is an alleged physics student; confirmed local cryptid. will be entombed in Hackett café until further notice conducts research at UWA as some pathetic substitute for his crime-solving fantasies. is an avid cafe attendee who will never fail to say “Cows!” when passing a field of cows. also wants to be woken up when September ends. is an overly anxious South American student, trying to make a career in journalism s a final year JD student reporting to you straight from quarantine. dropped his real name somewhere and can’t find it anywhere. likes to tell the untold stories. really wishes he was on Farmer Wants a Wife. is good at making critiques, not following them. wants to point out you’ve never seen him and acclaimed Colombian singer Andrea Echeverri in the same room. Pelican is the next Rolling Stone Magazine. yawned 39 times today, she counted. likes spending time highlighting other people’s inadequacies, not realising that perhaps he should apply that to himself is an editor in the streets and a poet in the sheets ;) Occupy the Vice-Chancellery? Pfft - Occupy the Ref ! Needs a renovation.

Tech Company Names: A Guide Tim Wong

Business names are a central element of brand identity in the corporate world. Ideally, they should serve a dual purpose: to inform you about what you can expect from the business, and to be catchy enough to remain easily memorable should you ever need whatever they are selling. I once bought a car from John Hughes Used Cars. A perfect business name if there ever was one. It tells me that I could buy a used car(s) from a bloke called John Hughes. Luckily, since John had appeared in most of the ads I watched as a child, he already had full control of my subconscious mind. A done deal. In the tech world however, things are done a little differently. Company names aren’t really designed to tell you what they do or sell. It seems that one reason for this is that 8

they don’t want to be tied down to anything. A company like Google has moved into so many areas and industries beyond its original search engine product that “Google Search Engines” would be a pretty misleading name for it. Another reason is probably them wanting to seem all quirky and esoteric. Facebook sounds different and interesting. “Zuckerberg & Associates Social Media Services LLC” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Because of this, it is not immediately obvious to work out where these names really come from. This article is here to help you out. I have compiled a list of some of the top tech companies that you probably regularly interact with, and I will tell you what their names really mean. You’re welcome.

My favourite building on campus is the peafowl coop. Cozy!

Apple: As the official representative of the devil’s business interests in the earthly realm, Apple’s name celebrates Adam and Eve’s unfortunate fruit-related decisions. The partially-eaten apple in its logo represents both Adam’s bite, as well as the unfulfilled desires of all its customers. Amazon: After years of negotiations with South American governments, Jeff Bezos completed his purchase of the Amazon rainforest in 1994. He proceeded to start a side hustle named in honour of the agreement, which has done relatively well since then. Plans are underway to fully clear the forest for a new company headquarters in time for Bezos’ $1 trillion net worth celebrations. Blackboard: In 1997 a disillusioned and underpaid physics professor in Reston, Virginia stole a blackboard from a classroom and took it to a local witch doctor. Together they created a curse that banished blackboards forever, replacing them with a learning management system that tortures students around the world on a daily basis. Google: The name is derived from the number Googol, or the number one followed by a hundred zeroes. This is the number of products and services the company expects to offer in time for its Thirtieth Anniversary in 2028. As this is significantly more than

the number of potential customers on earth, Google has plans to tap into unexplored markets across the galaxy over the coming few years. Netflix: Founder Reed Hastings had a prior business which allowed users to upload videos of themselves flicking chewing gum at strangers to the internet. This company failed after his primary investor Blockbuster pulled out. He founded a new company with a mission to destroy them, but didn’t bother changing the name. Tiktok: The app’s name is in honour of its revolutionary algorithm designed in a secret lab in Beijing, which steals seconds, minutes, and hours from the users’ watches as they endlessly scroll for just one more video. Uber: A clandestine movement founded in Argentina to protest the removal of the phrase “Deutschland über alles” from the German national anthem following the Second World War. Further plans to be unveiled after defeating all competitors. Zoom: The name comes from the children’s book Zoom City by Thacher Hurd, which depicts toddlers driving a car, making a ruckus around the neighbourhood, and getting into a car crash…this one is true.

omg I have a massive crush on [Name/less] don’t tell them!!!

Political Poetry Say more with less! Luke Barber and Maddi Broad

Jarnarby Boyce There once was a man named Barnaby Who lost his job for behaving too carnally He stayed and watched And we all forgot And now is right back where he wanted to be! Pive Clalmer I once knew a fella named Clive A party he thought to contrive He made his mark Built a dinosaur park Then his popularity took a dive Libertarians – a Haiku Libertarians I wish they would go away Can’t argue with them Listen to me!!!!!!!!!!! – a Haiku I hate politics It would be much easier If I was in charge

Vote for your favourite in the pelican-naming contest...

Negative Gearing – a Villanelle

Politics Tute – a Sonnet

Albo says he thinks it’s fine

On entry, silence. They stop and stare.

And who am I to disagree?

I look for someone that I know.

They all tell me not to whine.

See an acquaintance, slip into a chair. A mistake to sit in the front row.

Scomo says it’s by design Good for the economy

The tutor stands, a monotone drawl,

Albo says he thinks it’s fine

I skipped the readings for this week. As he talks time seems to crawl,

Dad and my views don’t align

Who’d think uni would be this bleak.

Says it helps our family They all tell me not to whine.

And then at last, discussion time A beat, silence all consumes

Price of homes a rising line

First in one person decides to chime

The youth vote for the ALP

Then opinions erupt through the room

Albo says he thinks it’s fine I try to give just one remark In the news near all the time

I need my participation mark.

Housing affordability They all tell me not to whine.

Name/Less (Acrostic Poem) Not that many starting with N, actually

Landlords get to make a dime

Albo

Good thing that the market’s free

Michael McCormack

Albo says he thinks it’s fine

They all tell me not to whine.

Leigh Sales E Scomo Shorten, Bill

...current leaderboard: 1. Percy 2. Patricia 3. Methuselah

Political Poetry - Continued The Planet (Concrete Poem)

Carbon

Flies Up into

The air

Mining

Proceeds

Fills me

And

Unsure

And

Future

Feeling

And

Despair

Planet

More And

Up with Sadness

Needing

Repair

But still we

It is hard

Don’t change

To imagine

Continue the

Any future

Catastrophic

These days

Process that

Science is

Will lead to

Predicting

Our eventual

Only death

Demise & the

And despair

End. Nothing

It is very

Day after day I watch politicians speak

Unclear to

Empty rhetoric and meaningless words, I

Me how are

See they try and pull and fast one over

We able to

Us. Another target, another report, but

Continue??

No change. I fear it’ll be all too late

Young people are starting to wake up, and maybe this is the answer I hope that we can fight for a cleaner future, for energy that can Sustain this planet for our grandchildren, for government that can Be principled and honest, rather than in the pockets of big mining Corporations. I hope that people begin to vote on this issue, that They channel their action beyond plastic straws and into notable & Radical change. I hope this, but I’m not sure. Time will tell..... 12

YOU CAN’T JUST PUT WORDS IN A SHAPE AND CALL IT ART GRRR

The Man with No Name Amy Papasergio

I grew up watching my Granddad’s old western films. Reaching through the wheezing wooden TV cabinet to find Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef and John Wayne. Household names that I wished I could defend a town with or follow into the sunset on horseback. Out of all the cowboys though, there was only ever one for me… The Man with No Name. Elusive, witty, cool, and one of the only men not dubbed over in these classic spaghetti westerns. Wearing his iconic green poncho, Clint Eastwood’s famous character carried on through three films, entitled the Dollars Trilogy. All three films captured my heart, and surprisingly all three films found a name for the name/less cowboy. In A Fistful of Dollars (1964), we hear the old undertaker Piripero refer to Eastwood as “Joe.” Then in For a Few Dollars More (1965), the film introduces him as “Manco,” before finally in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966), the bandit Tuco Ramirez calls him “Blondie.” I thought it ended there, a few nicknames for the character I loved. However, the deeper I delved, the more interesting his origins became. Reading through countless articles I soon discovered that A Fistful of Dollars was an unofficial remake of a 1961 film

Yojimbo. Perhaps the character should have been referred to as ‘the man with no name… or originality.’ Sergio Leone and Akira Kurosawa, directors of both films respectively, both capture the tale of a lone rider who must make questionable decisions to defend a town caught between two rival gangs. Kurosawa’s character refers to himself as Kuwabatake Sanjuro, translating to “mulberry field,” as he takes inspiration from a mulberry field nearby. From this, we can assume that Sanjuro is an early example of the “Man with No Name.” Despite their differing settings in feudal Japan and the wild west, their stories are undeniably the same. In response, Toho (Kurosawa’s studio) sued Leone for this almost scene-byscene remake. I love the now infamous letter Kurosawa wrote, “Signor Leone – I have just had the chance to see your film. It is a very fine film, but it is my film, and you must pay me.” Eventually Leone and Kurosawa settled it out in court, for 15% of the worldwide receipts of the film and reportedly over $100,000. One thing I know for sure, is despite these new facts coming to life, I will never stop reenacting my favourite scene: “get three coffins ready” and then, four dead bad guys later, “my mistake, four coffins.” Amy gives this trilogy five out of five coffins.

I haven’t played a video game since I tripped over my grandma’s Solitaire iPad.

He Who Shall Not Be Named: Villain of a Generation Elanor Leman The fact that my spell-checker accepts his name is clear proof that Harry Potter’s nemesis has well and truly entered our literary canon as one of the most chilling villains of this age. From his malevolent snake-eyed haunting of the book series, to Ralph Fiennes’ masterfully chilling performance in the film series, his name and legacy are perhaps exceeded only by protagonist Harry. And, of course, author J.K. Rowling.

Help! I ouija-board-summoned Lewis Carroll...

TO BE CLEAR, I’M NOT HERE TO CATALOGUE HER DESCENT FROM BELOVED CHILDREN’S AUTHOR TO SEETHING TWITTER BIGOT, NOR REFUTE HER.

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk a little bit about Rowling. Like many children of the Nineties and early Noughties, I grew up eagerly consuming the Harry Potter series with each new instalment. I must have read the books dozens of times in total, queuing hungrily for every new release, and purchasing more than my fair share of merchandise. Cutting ahead to my adult life, though I matured and found new books and cultures to engage with, I would always look back fondly on this formative aspect of my childhood, probably one of the main drivers of my passion for reading. I should also mention, I am transgender. You probably see where this is going. To be clear, I’m not here to catalogue her descent from beloved children’s author to seething Twitter bigot, nor refute her. Yet from a frankly painful and horrifying wave of discrimination rising in our shared homeland, the UK, to ripples elsewhere, as American politicians quote her while they shoot down equality bills in the Senate, the outcomes of her newfound interest have been all too clear. Disastrously so.

For many of us - trans or not - seeing the author behind a deeply beloved series take this turn is troubling to say the least. Let’s try and avoid a discussion on the buzzword of cancel culture: if you’ve got a publication as famous as Harper’s Magazine decrying your silencing and oppression, you’re probably not the victim in this instance. But I have seen another idea raised in this context: Death of the Author. Roland Barthes penned the now mildly infamous essay of this name in 1967, and it gets thrown around a fair bit these days. I dare say more than a few readers would like to find legitimacy for holding onto a cherished keystone of their youth. However, Barthes was writing in the field of literary criticism, and taking aim at those looking for the ‘meaning’ of a text. He argued that “the text is a tissue of citations, resulting from the thousand sources of culture” – meaning is produced not solely by author, but by reader and the fine granularity of context, too. Harry Potter does not take an aside from fighting Lord Voldemort to soliloquy about the dangers he sees in gender-affirming healthcare. Barthes is, though ostensibly appropriate to invoke, not entirely relevant here.

Help! The Science Library Lawn Kookaburra stole my girl!

What is relevant is the idea that we can separate an author from a text - not analytically, as Barthes examined, but ethically. This is a thorny issue, one which could easily fill a thesis or more. There are two aspects to consider: enjoyment, and profit. I haven’t the space to tackle in depth whether it is ethically just to enjoy the artistic product of someone morally compromised. For the record, I believe it is possible, although in practice it is quite difficult. The latter issue is much simpler. If the author is not Dead, but rather alive and profiting from your consumption, it seems much more definitively unacceptable to indirectly fund their behaviours. But regarding the former – I loved Harry Potter. I read those books over and over. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the next one, and the next one. And the series I so adored, that showed us all how the downtrodden and discriminated-against could rise up and win happiness for themselves, I can now hardly look at without a bitter lump rising in my throat. Rowling has supported, at times 16

either explicitly or implicitly, movements and even legislation that could see me freely fired and harassed, and worse left without much-needed medical care. I say, with full awareness of the heaviness of my claim, that I am doubtless her campaigning will – if it hasn’t already – cost the lives of younger and less well-supported trans people than myself. I’m not asking you to throw away and burn your Harry Potter books. But I am suggesting, before you buy the latest merchandise, engage in the social media hype and then go to see the next Fantastic Beasts film, that you consider the cause you support and the message you send by it. And here, Barthes does apply – it is not just your intent that impacts your reception.

At the top of the tallest tree on campus is a million dollars. Go get it!

incise Ellie Fisher

the sea. the heavy, swollen mass of it, the energy. the knife cuts away. they walk, silenced, the wind thieving any stray words. the distance between them. the beach is eaten away, hardly any sand to tread through now. it used to be wider. it’s narrowed. the aperture is closing, time draining with the exhalation of the tide. she stops him. a photo? he nods, smooths a blown lick of crow hair. she aims. the moment is snatched. her visceral need to catalogue is satisfied, her inability to let go. he laughs at something; she misses the joke. a breath of peppermint and smoke, amongst the seaweed dampness. the tension. their balance must be maintained, the magnetic push-pull. he raises his eyebrows, stretches out a hand. it might never be enough. he knows. he knows that. awkwardly, he traces her cheek.

Narrow Naming: What UWA’s Buildings Tell Us About Academia Camila Egusquiza

While trying to figure out what to write for this edition, I decided to look at building names on campus, and I came across a certain pattern that was hard to ignore. Most buildings and facilities are named after relevant people who contributed financially to the university: benefactors and philanthropists who are grateful to see their name on a building. Others are named after distinctive alumni: people who have contributed to the perceived prestigiousness of UWA. But if you take a closer look at a campus map, you will find it hard to see a building or room not named after a white man. In this article, I will attempt to shine light on the few buildings that recognise the achievements of women or people of colour (POC) and briefly touch on how academia continues to fall short in diversity.

Fay Gale The Fay Gale Studio is located on the ground floor of Hackett Hall. The studio is an educational enhancement unit named after Fay Gale, an Australian cultural geographer and emeritus professor. She was also an advocate for Indigenous and women’s rights. In 1978, she became the first woman to be appointed a professor at the University of Adelaide. And, in 1990, she became Vice-Chancellor of the University of 18

Western Australia, where she contributed to significant advances in gender equity.

Mary Raine Mary Carter was born in London and decided to migrate to Australia when she was 23, where she became a successful businesswoman managing hotels. After marrying Joe Raine and becoming Mary Raine, she made several contributions to create a medical school. In 1957, Joe suffered a fatal cerebral haemorrhage. Mary continued to donate funds to medical research. At the time of her death, her estate was worth about £1,000,000, making it one of the largest private donations ever made to an Australian university. As a thank you for her contribution to medical research, her name was immortalised in the Raine Study (1416 Parkway) just a few buildings away from Barry J. Marshall library.

Jean Bradley The Bradley Studio at the Octagon has become a well-known place around campus. Located just next to Riley Oval, this studio at the Octagon is named after university lecturer and theatre producer Jeana Isabel Dorrington Bradley. Jean studied English and Philosophy at UWA and, shortly after

Quote of the Day: “Holy $%^& my toe owowowowOW dear LORD”

graduating, she became the president of St Hilda’s Dramatic Society, where she produced three plays: Macbeth, Five Birds in a Cage, and The Rehearsal. In the years to follow, she became a prominent figure in local theatre, producing over forty-five plays for the UWA’s dramatic societies and the oncampus Bankside and Octagon companies. She also contributed significantly to the development of the arts in Western Australia, especially through encouraging the teaching of theatre and drama in secondary schools.

Mary Lockett In Block P of the QEII campus stands the Mary Lockett Lecture Theatre. The facility is named after Mary Fauriel Lockett, a pharmacologist who became the first woman to ever hold a chair in UWA. As the first woman in a male-dominated field, she was given little support but soon managed to attract funding from the National Health and Medical Research Council and the National Heart Foundation of Australia. Lockett also made several contributions to medicine. While working on the heart-lung-kidney perfusion model she identified a previously unknown steroid in cholesterol associated with heart disease. She also investigated the origin and treatment of oedema and contributed 185 papers to international scientific journals.

Findings Before writing this article, I made a list of 101 buildings on campus. A few were not named after people, but most of them were. Out of that long list, I could only find fourteen named after women/POC. The problem with this lack of diversity is not that there aren’t any renowned alumni that are not white men. There are many. From Shirley Strickland in 1952 to, more recently, Elfie Shiosaki, there are several incredible people to recognise and be proud of. The problem is that academia continues to disproportionately celebrate the achievements of a narrow section of its alumni. It does not grant POC/women the same recognition that white men have had all throughout history. Naming a building after someone is an immortalisation of that person, an act of gratitude that is meant to be a reminder for the generations to come. If UWA is committed to improving representation on campus, then that should be reflected everywhere, including the facilities in which we study.

Wanted: a cute relationship where we share Airpods in Reid and you do my assignments xoxo

A World Without White Saviours Cleo Robins

Many people, notably those with power in our societies, like to forget or diminish the effects of colonisation, by distancing current events from past ones, or by referring to our present global situation as “post-colonial”. The reality is, however, that colonisation still affects us in every aspect of our lives, from determining our values to igniting our anxieties. To push away this ugly truth, and assuage the guilt that inevitably follows in the wake of privilege, residents of colonial centres of power, like Australia, the USA and Britain, often devise volunteering projects which allow them to ‘better’ the living conditions of citizens in less economically aggressive nations. These projects are marketed as ‘once-in-a-lifetime’, supposedly enabling Western citizens to alleviate poverty and inequality, as well as giving them an ‘eyeopening’ experience. But does the impetus behind volunteering trips really come from a sincere place? Or has the colonial project just mutated into a different form, albeit one that is hidden in a discourse of compassion? A key ideological principle which is used to justify invasion and colonisation is the binary view of civilisation. Western colonisers often used the rhetoric that they were ‘civilising’ the places they conquered, as if the European way of doing things was inherently better or more efficient. Colonial powers forced 20

Christianity upon the Indigenous peoples of many nations, all the while extracting natural resources from the land they were stealing. They tried to legitimise this exploitation by appropriating evolutionary theories, resulting in the harmful ideology of eugenics which still influences how many people think about race, gender, and sexuality today. The basic assumption of eugenicist theory is that the white way is the right way, and that any person, or nation, who exists outside the binary norms of white supremacy, is somehow inferior and should strive to ‘better’ themselves. In her article “White Supremacy Culture”, Tema Okun writes that paternalism and perfectionism are two of the key characteristics of white supremacy. These tenets are evident in the historical process of invasion and colonisation, but they can also be seen in the more modern project of ‘voluntourism’. Volunteer tourism programs cater to Western tourists, providing transport to countries which are considered to be ‘developing’; in other words, lacking a resemblance to Western culture. Volunteers will spend time and money to help out in communities, often by building schools or amenities. While these activities seem to be motivated by noble aims, the perspective which is centred in the discourse surrounding

Hey guys, I’m a Winthrop duck, welcome to my TED talk.

these projects is the white one. The belief that Western citizens are entitled to ‘develop’ other countries is deeply rooted in colonial viewpoints of white superiority. While basic needs like education and amenities are essential human rights, the paternalistic mentality surrounding aid needs to be shifted. Non-Western countries are not victims of a lack of ‘civilisation’. In fact, many have been crippled by colonisation, and continue to suffer from often hypocritical Western interference. Nepal, for example, is economically supported by tourism on Mount Everest. Every year, thousands of tourists flock to ascend the mountain, with the locals bearing the brunt of the dangerous navigation work. Unions are a distant dream for the Nepalese Sherpa, who work the treacherous mountain slopes year after year to feed their families. Rather than safeguarding the rights of their own citizens, the Nepalese government panders to the wishes of Western mountaineering companies, who dominate the industry at Everest, and rake in millions of dollars. The crippling economic and social effects of this modern colonial project make even more laughable the large number of ‘voluntourists’ who travel to Nepal. Audre Lorde once said that the “master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” It is not enough to fight tourism, which is in many

cases an extension of the colonial project, with more tourism. The white saviour mentality is not helping anyone, but rather perpetuating the myths of power imbalance which still menace our world. With a rising awareness of the effects that colonisation and capitalism have had on the world’s environment, and the realisation that the best way to safeguard the earth is to follow the advice of Indigenous peoples who understand the land, the discourse around international aid is beginning to change. Hopefully, when the world opens up to global travel, tourists will be more critical about the effects of their voyaging. If people can start getting honest with themselves about the real reason they feel compelled to ‘develop’ other nations, then perhaps we will be able to create a world which focuses less on the merits of the white saviour, and more on the strength of the people that colonisation has tried to victimise. True equality happens when we work together, and without decolonising the Western psyche, there is little hope for impactful change and cooperation.

UWA is cutting Social Sciences? What’s next?! Cutting Misanthropic Humanities???

WE SATISFY YOUR TRAVEL URGES BY EXPLORING POLITICAL ISSUES FROM AROUND THE GLOBE!

Phoebe Levin Geographically located at the heel of India, Kerala is filled with lush foliage, beautiful beaches, and a labyrinth of lagoons and lakes. It has a distinct culture which blends Indian and Dravidian traditions. But Kerala is more than just an exotic holiday destination – it is also one of the only places on the planet run by Communist political parties or, at least, parties that are Communist in name. The region is currently ruled by the Left Democratic Front (LDF), a coalition of leftist parties, including the Communist Party of India (CPI), and the Communist Party of India (Marxist) (because the original CPI is not Marxist enough, apparently). Throughout the history of the LDF, it has relied on multi-party elections and coalition-building to win power. Now, I know I’m not alone in thinking that a parliament in which all parties strive for equality sounds like a great idea. The fact is, however, despite the political parties’ names emphasising their commitment to communism, there are many examples of them doing some very capitalist things. This is where we begin to see Adam Smith’s much-loved invisible hand rearing its ugly head palm. For example, in 1961 the LDF undertook an agricultural reform that usurped the feudal farming system in favour of a more capitalist approach. According to Namboodiripad, the region’s Chief Minister at the time, fighting for free markets (something I believed to be contradictory to Marxist dogma), was just a lot more practical. 22

North-east, a similar phenomenon (communist parties doing explicitly un-communist things) is apparent. In Nepal, two of the three major parties — Nepal Communist Party and the People’s Socialist Party — adhere to democratic socialism. Other communist parties include: The Communist Party of Nepal, the Nepal Communist Party (Marxist-Leninist), Communist Party of Nepal (United MarxistLeninist), and Communist Party of Nepal (Maoist). Yes, communists love superfluous labels more than the GT Mums you see shopping at Claremont Quarter. One obviously un-communist thing which these parties did was upheave Nepal’s monarchy in 2006 to replace it with a multiparty democracy. While Lenin did espouse the importance of a revolutionary vanguard in democratic society to foster the ascension into communism, and might have approved of their peaceful cooperation in deposing the king (very much in the communist spirit), I have a feeling he would have been less fond of the resulting capitalist economy. This is not to take away from the successful welfarist policies which have been implemented by governments in Kerala and Nepal. Nor is it to say their adoption of capitalism may not be necessary for their survival. But let these examples serve to remind you that, much as one should avoid judging an edition of Pelican by its theme, one should also avoid assuming a political party’s policies by name alone.

The Guild Marketing and Design Office is maximal chaotic energy.

Ricky Neil Jr. Jarrad Inman

For years I tried to define myself, To understand the court jester. To understand every movement, To understand every gesture. Suddenly it came to me, A definition so blatant. But it held so much weight In my eyes it was a statement. I am my father’s son So I’ll wear his name and be proud. And I’ll play the part of Ricky Neil When I step towards the crowd. He’s the greatest man I know, A man I’m proud to call my dad. And that’s why Ricky Neil Jr Is the best name I’ve ever had.

Image Tanya Inman

Why you should admit you love Taylor Swift Vivienne Chester

CW: discussion of assault, sexual assault. My name is Vivienne and I love Taylor Swift. Sorry, what did you say? Oh, you think that’s ‘cringe’? Well, I’m here to tell why it’s not cringe at all and is instead a very cool personality trait – one you should adopt! Welcome to the hill I will die on. Everyone has different tastes when it comes to music. We all like different genres and artists and associate these categories with different types of people. For example, we might think that a middle-aged man would like Guns and Roses, while someone ‘sophisticated’ would enjoy classical music. The most prevalent of these stereotypes is that teenaged girls like pop music – and this is not unsubstantiated. According to Paul Lamere, when we study music charts based on gender, the teenaged female Top 40 includes Pop artists such as Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Rihanna; while the teenaged male Top 40 includes Eminem, Daft Punk, and Jay-Z – musicians who decidedly do not belong in the Pop sphere. It is important to note here that most popular music is aimed specifically 24

at a teenaged audience – it’s where the money is! 77% of teens in the US told Statistica that they couldn’t go a week without listening to music. However, this figure was higher by 13% for girls. But if hugely successful songstresses such as Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, and Beyonce are so blatantly popular, then why – when one admits to liking them – is one usually rebuffed with the usual ‘Oh wow you like her? Haven’t you grown out of that?’. My answer is always: ‘Yes, it is for teenaged girls, and why do you think that’s such a bad thing?’. Most of the time, their answer to this sounds like ‘Oh you know they don’t actually write their own songs, don’t you?’ or ‘they can’t sing, it’s all just autotune’. On her latest album, Evermore, Swift was a primary writer on all her tracks. As for the autotune comment, Ariana Grande (who has the second-most Spotify streams of all time) has a background in musical theatre, and rarely uses autotune. Music that helps girls going through their formative years feel understood and empowered should not be the butt of anyone’s joke. Neither should

Help! EMERGENCY! Time is running out! I NEED DOUGHNUTS. FROM XANDER.

the women that write, sing, and produce this music, yet they are under constant scrutiny. Anyone who has followed the Taylor SwiftKanye West drama over the last few years can attest to this. It’s interesting to note that both male musicians (both in the pop genre and others) and musicians that have a majority male audience rarely face such scrutiny. Although Chris Brown pleaded guilty to assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna in 2009, he has maintained a successful career in the industry in the past decade – he has fiftyone top 40 entries, and he is the singer with the fifth-most consecutive weeks on the Hot 100 chart. The late Michael Jackson has been plagued for years by assault allegations, however had upward of twenty-six million monthly listeners as of 2021. If Taylor Swift can be personally destroyed for five years for winning a Grammy, I don’t see her memory surviving allegations of paedophilia. Although other factors are of importance, we can see through examples such as these that cancel culture is much harsher on its female victims.

My point is, so what if the music you like is girly??!!? Embrace it! ‘Girly’ is not an insult! ‘Girly’ describes the bravest, strongest, and coolest group of people I’ve encountered. We have collectively deemed pop music (primarily that made and enjoyed by women) as less valuable, on a purely misogynistic basis. So go listen to your Beyonce, your Ariana, your Katy Perry, and your Taylor Swift. Why should music that you like be a guilty pleasure and not just a pleasure? Pop isn’t a dirty word; come, join me on my hill.

MY POINT IS, SO WHAT IF THE MUSIC YOU LIKE IS GIRLY??!!? EMBRACE IT!

[Name/less] is my favourite club on campus. [Name/less], on the other hand, suck.

Drinking the Girl Boss Kool-Aid Lux Alkazar Note: the following is an opinion piece recommending you do your research before using supplement products. When I was eighteen, I nearly joined a multilevel marketing (MLM) organisation. I’d moved out of home and was working full-time in retail for the first time in my life. After working a long shift and coming home to find no one who was going to make dinner for me, I quickly got into the pattern of spending my new expendable income on fast food. It was great ‘til it wasn’t, and unsurprisingly, I started to feel groggy and run down. Then one day I got a message: “Hey Hun! How have you been? I don’t know if you’ve seen my posts, but I’ve started using [supplement company] and it’s completely changed my life. I love it so much that I’ve decided to become a coach. I’d love to send you some info. Do you have any health and wellness issues right now? It’s especially great for energy and weight loss.” Okay, look. I know these types of messages and ‘hunbots’ are a well-known meme at this 26

point. Without outing how old I am, I’ll just say this — it was a while ago and it was the first time I’d ever seen this kind of message, let alone been on the receiving end of it. I’d never heard of this company. It was from a girl I’d always been friendly with in high school. Most of my friends had moved away to start university, so to be honest, I was pleased to hear from her. The idea of grabbing a coffee with someone was tempting enough in itself, even if she was only reaching out to try and sell me something. I also felt a little paranoia sneak in, wondering if she’d seen me at work recently and was hinting that I looked tired and had gained weight. With my work hours it was hard to find a time to meet up, so we ended up planning something for the following month. But, in the meantime, she’d add me to a Facebook group full of lovers of this supplement company from all over Australia, so I could get some shake recipe ideas and be inspired by the success stories.

Guild Council goes through more Office Bearers than Pelican goes through bad ideas.

Being in this group meant their posts took over the majority of my Facebook feed; so many smiling people in activewear holding these amazing drinks. Their lives were so good! They looked and felt incredible! Their energy and confidence had skyrocketed! And they were so rich! That’s right, not only was this supplement a way to improve your health, but a lucky few people could be chosen to become coaches and help others. The financial possibilities were limitless. I’ve always been a cynical person, but I wanted to believe them so badly. I was starting to feel pretty miserable with my lifestyle, and these people seemed like they had an answer for everything. That was until one day I saw an article about lead levels in the products and a possible connection to kidney failure. I shared the link with the group asking if anyone knew anything about it. My post was deleted within a minute, and I was removed from the group within five. I received several messages, one from my high school pal, but also from people I didn’t

know. They were all basically the same — sickly sweet with passive aggression and lots of stats and figures about all the people the company had helped, with few quips about my attitude and suggestions that I stop trying to make trouble. I expressed that I didn’t like the way my question was handled, and felt like the admins had something to hide if no open discussion was allowed. I was blocked by all of them except for the original girl, who did check in every few months to see if I was interested in coming to her information/shake taste tester nights – until she eventually stopped selling by the end of the year. So, yeah. That was my very short and limited experience with this supplement company. I’m going to skip the part where I tell you about all the company’s controversies, because if I did that, I’d be filling up this whole magazine. Plus, it’s now 2021, and you probably already know about it, and if you don’t know about it, there’s plenty to see online. YouTube is a pretty good place to start.

Next edition is nudes. Watch this rapidly growing space ;)

But the CliffNotes are: history of dangerous ingredients; predatory sales techniques; taking advantage of marginalised people; covering up health side effects; endless lawsuits; and total BS. Because they have such a bad reputation now, it’s been several years since I’ve actually heard anyone talk about the company, apart from the jokes on the internet. But I’m here to tell you, they’ve been making a comeback.

to gain points and climb the ranks for all the product you’re buying. And of course, now you can advertise with endless #buylocal and #supportsmallbusiness hashtags.

You might have noticed there have been several new café-type things popping up around Perth and beyond — in Alkimos, Albany, Bunbury, Pinjarra, Fremantle, everywhere. Can you see where I’m going with this?

The drinks are sold as loaded teas and smoothies/shakes. The stores are all really similar in aesthetic, marketing, and menus (duh, they’re all selling the same thing). I’m not going to list all the stores, because having an army of hunbots come after me once in my life was enough, but consider anything alluding to sipping, gulping, blending, or mixing in the name to be a red flag. Or anything called a ‘nutrition studio’. Or anyone offering a dollar discount if you post about it online.

I won’t lie, it’s kind of a genius idea. The ultimate rebrand. If potential customers keep turning their noses up when you try and pedal your supplement powder, blend it up for them and sell it in a cup with a new label, at a major markup, and they don’t ever need to know what’s in it. Plus, you also get

I’ve contacted a handful of the stores with a simple, “hey, do your drinks contain this company’s supplement?” and received a grand total of zero replies. The only place I’ve seen owners fess up is in replies to Google reviews from angry people who feel misled and tricked after buying drinks. And it’s always

UWA backwards = AWU: Australians Want Ultimate (frisbee)

in a very defensive, “we’re totally transparent about this” and, “well, we never said it wasn’t this supplement”. Apart from mentioning it to friends and family, I had no intention of writing about this. But then I saw they had started to market towards children. The thing that really got me was a post of a cute little boy holding a shake advertising that ‘kid’s cups are now available’ in big text, with much much smaller text at the bottom saying that a kid’s cup is to be shared between two children. Could this be because a full cup might be potentially dangerous to a child? What about pregnant or breastfeeding mothers? Or people who already take supplements? Or people with existing health conditions? There are thousands of people who have shared stories on the physical, financial, and social ways this company has hurt them. I think people deserve to know what they’re buying, and I believe the people starting these stores are being purposefully deceitful.

Yes, I’m sure that if you walked into one and asked face-to-face, they would tell you. But why would the average unassuming person do that? If they want to sell supplements, go ahead, but put the name and logo on the building, on the menu, and on the advertisements. They won’t though, because they know that people trust this product about as far as they can spit it.

THEY WON’T THOUGH, BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT PEOPLE TRUST THIS PRODUCT ABOUT AS FAR AS THEY CAN SPIT IT.

[Name/less], this is your mother. Call me back right now or I will [Name/less] your Xbox.

The Rise (and Demise?) of Egg Boy Words and Art by LUKE BARBER

Nearly two and a half years ago, a young, name/less boy cracked his way into the hearts and minds of Australians when he threw an egg against the back of the skull of a particularly abhorrent Australian Senator who was saying some particularly abhorrent things in the wake of the Christchurch shootings. The moment was captured on film and quickly went viral – and Egg Boy became a media sensation. While seventeen at the time, Egg Boy is now a nineteen-year-old Egg Man, and, though most of us have likely fried the whole incident out of our memory, he still maintains a sizeable social media presence, with 321,000 followers on Instagram alone. In the excitement of the viral spread of the clip, thousands of Australians, including me, rushed to follow him across social media platforms. It’s not hard to understand why Egg Boy 30

(whose name is actually William Connolly, but who I will continue to call Egg Boy) became an overnight sensation. The tragedy of the Christchurch shootings caused a moment of reckoning for Australia, and the symbolism of a member of the public taking such a memorable stand against racist speech resonated for many. The amusement of watching an egg being splattered against a grown man’s head (and said man getting very angry in response) provided some light in the context of this tragedy. Further, I think young Australians were excited to see someone so young finally cut through the media’s coverage of Australian politics. But also, lest we forget that everybody had an opinion on Egg Boy, and there is nothing quite like divided public opinion to hard-boil someone’s status as a minor celebrity. There were the pro-Egg Boy groups, those who thought he should be praised and rewarded for standing against racism at a time when

People go on about skipping leg day. Seems like y’all keep skipping brain day...

Muslim Australians and New Zealanders were incredibly vulnerable. And on the other side, we had the anti-Egg Boy clan, who felt strongly that he had poached former Senator Fraser Anning’s freedom of speech, demanding he be arrested for assault.

To answer this question, I turned to his Instagram, which helpfully (and somewhat wildly) appears to have remained relatively unfiltered and publicly chronicles his life as far back as 2013 (for those doing the maths at home he was in primary school then).

Then there were those who agreed with his politics, but disagreed with his methods. And those who feared that his actions might mobilise support for the disgrace of a Senator he scrambled. With hindsight, the results of the 2019 election indicate that this last concern was a little overblown; in fact, according to Muck Rack, a media analytics company, more than half of all articles online mentioning Anning’s name, and three quarters since mid-2019, mention the word ‘egg’ in them – a fairly conclusive depiction of the legacy his time in Parliament has left.

Having stated he doesn’t have a job, he appears to have made a living for himself, at least for the time being, by being a public figure. For what it’s worth he has found noble causes that he is passionate about to work on: mental health and climate change to name two. Following the egging, he also raised a tonne of money for the victims of the Christchurch attack. Plus, he is always appearing alongside national treasure Magda Szubanski in his role as an advocate for using the creative arts to regenerate bushfire affected areas. A good chunk of his posts are him hanging out with Magda and doing various charity and advocacy works. Which is great! Good on him! All ticks from me!

So, nearly two and a half years on, where is Egg Boy now?

Dear Bassline Junkies: the massive generators outside the Physics Building are transcendent.

And then there are a lot of posts that are simply him having a nice time with his friends: at school, on holiday, at the beach etc. This is also fine!! Good for him!! I hope he is having a nice life!! And then there is some weirder stuff. From about February last year, Egg Boy started to post inspirational quotes on dramatic backgrounds. You know, the type your aunty puts on Facebook that show an autumn leaf and the caption “You can’t start the next chapter in your life if your [sic] still reading the last one”. Real Mum energy for someone idolised by young people. Then there are a series of incredibly erratic videos of Egg Boy standing in front of a whiteboard, crazy eyes, hands in the air, delivering a speech with block text overlaid reading things like “You are not your 32

thoughts. Learn to unlearn!” or “Thinking about the past can manifest into depression!”. At first I thought he was just yolking with these videos, but having watched far too many of them, I can attest that they are incredibly earnest and, in fact, quite unsettling. And finally, in June this year, Egg Boy made a video sharing a conspiracy that called into question the accuracy of PCR tests for COVID-19. You may have heard about it. While Egg Boy initially left this post up (covered with an Instagram-supplied warning about misinformation) after the controversy that ensued, it has since been taken down. What exists in its place is a video of Egg Boy, visibly frustrated, attempting to, in his own words, “justify himself ” following the scandal. “Making this video to justify myself… I don’t usually like justifying myself…but I have a

You can sell this magazine to a pelican for a full SSAF refund.

big platform that I can help a lot of people with and people’s perceptions of me are important to how many people I can help.” In the video, he goes on to state that he isn’t a COVID-denier, but just disagrees with the media’s portrayal of the pandemic. He says his big issue is that there should be more public health messaging circulating to encourage people to boost their health by doing things like taking Vitamin C and hugging their dogs to generate oxytocin. So...where does that leave Egg Boy’s status as an idol? Is it okay to give a nineteenyear-old a platform to broadcast whatever thoughts are on his mind on any given day, just because he egged an unpopular pollie as a minor? Do we need to cancel Egg Boy? Does it even matter? I think the answer is not so clear cut…

People contain multitudes. Egg Boy can simultaneously have done good for the world through his fundraising and charity work and have ventured down a path with his public platform that gradually moved towards dangerous conspiracy-peddling. In fact, it shouldn’t be surprising at all to us that the seventeen-year-old boy who we thrust into the limelight so suddenly might, while starting with very good intentions, have pushed the envelope of his influence too far. What we need to grapple with is the fact that many of us were happy to put this boy on a political pedestal and magnify his voice so much for simply throwing an egg at the back of someone’s head, without any further information about his beliefs. If we had good political leaders to fill this void, then maybe all the undue attention Egg Boy received might have been directed elsewhere.

If you vote in Guild elections, you get a MILLION [Name/less]!

Found Poetry with words from ‘UWA Love Letters’, by Prema Arasu

Art by Hnin Ei Kyaw Win 34

Submit your craziest Pelly Facts to vicechancellor@uwacuts.com

dear antony

can you stomp on me hard in reid circle

need to do shopping

I’m like down

if you ever

with your 2 inch shoe heels???

you can come

brooooooooo.......

to my bedroom

Hannah

which dating app

hey

is good

I saw you at the food court

to find

an actual boyfriend?

tinder

bumble hiii

if anyone wants someone to study with

because they’re lacking

motivation

I’ll dm

react with a heart

I would like to say that

that was a mating call anyways

you’re really pretty

dream

I would like to fuck

listening to hardstyle

after consuming

MUSHROOM risotto just looking for a girl

:’(

who plays runescape

skills and money doesn’t matter

look

I’m glad youre in love and everything

I understand the struggles of being a horny male but

could we try and keep the moaning and banging

near the piano

a guy was playing the USSR anthem

studying alone

last week

down to a minimum

some people are trying to study

hope this isn’t too much of an inconvenience

because once we’re together

I will trade you my entire bank heart react if that’s you

I wait for my maiden in Lumbridge. arts faculty peacock I keep

chasing

after you but you keep

running

bruh

I keep seeing your short presence

away from me

in reid library. I just want to say

Charles Darwin was right about one thing: evolution!

A Basket For Your Thoughts Edward Charles Art By Pauline Wong When buying a washing basket, it is worth considering several things: do I buy the threedollar standard basket or the ten-dollar hiphugging basket? Do my hips really need to be hugged? Am I allowed to bring a washing basket on the bus? Will people call out my name and rebuke my very existence?

The fellow Kmart shoppers gave me a wide berth as I hogged the aisle in contemplation. Perhaps it didn’t matter so much, but still I was reluctant to be faced with a confrontational bus driver telling me I was forbidden from bringing large plastic clothes carriers on his line.

Mum, please pick me up. Kids are [Name/less], I’m scared.

Mid-vision of a Transperth security guard tackling me to the ground for my transgressions against humankind and The Department of Transport, I felt a moment of weakness.

who was in control of their own spending habits and decision-making. I knew my hips were well-loved and sure enough I was on my merry way to the bus station holding my washing basket by my side.

I needed external validation.

No one stared at or berated me. In fact, I felt that perhaps this was the most peace I had ever experienced walking through the Perth CBD. Much like the Kmart shoppers, people seemed to walk far around me to avoid being seen with a three-dollar plastic monstrosity. No one called my name, no one tackled me to the ground. This pure unadulterated bliss was one like no other. This lack of negative reaction from the public was not only a comforter but also the anonymous validation that I had been craving earlier.

Anonymous validation (albeit the most satisfying) was not readily available to me, so I decided to consult my followers on the allknowing Instagram as to whether this was an appropriate thought to entertain. Was I really asking people whether I can take a washing basket on public transport? Had I lost my mind? I posed the question to my followers nonetheless and wondered whether any of this truly mattered. Not in an existential-crisis-inthe-middle-of-Kmart way but more of a wowtechnology-has-pushed-me-to-new-heightsof-ridiculousness way. Nevertheless, I decided that perhaps all of this didn’t matter and so I bought the three-dollar standard basket without even waiting for a response from the digital comforter. I felt like a new man; one

In this moment of realisation, I figured that sometimes someone not saying anything about a stranger is more validating than a known person saying something kind to a friend. This of course is subjective to the situation; but when losing your mental composure over a washing basket, perhaps it is nice to remain name/less.

Mum, please pick me up. Kids are Guild Elections, I’m scared.

“No Staff & Course cuts at UWA”

Art By Hnin Ei Kyaw Win 39

Parks on a Pedestal: Mason Gardens Ashley Browse

A 6 minute cycle from uni is a picnic perfect parkland of smooth grassy hills and big leafy trees, but enter into the bushy scrub within the park, and escape into a name/less world far from the suburban rush, with peacefully still pond water shaded by towering bamboo where you can rest, soak in the surroundings, and forget who you are.

Art by Savannah Regan

Harboured Hearts Jas Saunders i hate that i pray,

every time we go into town, that my eyes do not see

and his eyes do not find

the rarity of people in this world, that tell me i am not alone, so i don’t hear the words

he selects to use for slandering

me and the people i love, in the back, like a sword in the stories

and tales i decorate my spine with, and that is a shame to me. i hate that when i speak,

my mouth opens to an encore of lies, taught to be spat out for my safety

whilst the truth does not get to hatch, and spread its sweet songs across my bedsheets,

scrawled on shutters,

twirled around a lock of hair, or resting upon a finger.

the truth does not get to grow

into the butterflies i spent a childhood composing chasing

catching.

An Investigation into UWA’s Finances Alexander Knott

Think back to the start of the pandemic that’s when you started hearing about UWA’s financial problems and started wondering what was going on. If you were curious enough, you may have checked UWA’s financial statements and scrunched your face in confusion. A positive $120 million net result doesn’t sound like a deficit (even for the golden triangle) it sounds great! Prompting the question: what the hell is the problem?

Fortunately, I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit scouring the last several years of UWA’s financial statements for an answer. Unfortunately, it wasn’t what I was hoping to find. Below is a summary of a report I wrote for the UWA Academic Staff Association. A full copy can be found here: https:// alexanderknott.com/2021/08/assessinguwas-financial-performance/

Problem 2: Fig.1

Do you guys have a job? Coz I get paid $700 000 hahahaha lol

Problem 1: Income growth has slowly been outpaced by growth in total expenditure

Problem 2: Ability to generate cash from ‘day-to-day’ operations has deteriorated

UWA basically performs “Teaching”, “Research”, or “Other” functions. Using UWA’s annual statements, we can see how much income UWA generates from each function.

[See Fig.1 on Page 44]

On average, from 2014 to 2020, UWA received 47% of income from “Teaching”, 30% from “Research”, and 23% from “Other” sources. In that period, “Teaching” income increased $8 million (0.3% p.a. growth), “Research” income increased $7 million (0.4% p.a. growth), “Other” income decreased $5 million (-0.4% p.a. growth), and total expenditure increased about $43 million (0.8% p.a. growth). Meaning, over the last seven years, income growth has been stagnant and outpaced by growth in expenditure (you don’t need a degree to know why this is important).

It is important to examine UWA’s cash flows to assess its ability to financially sustain its ‘day-to-day’ operations. To do this, Figure 4 plots UWA’s: •

Net cash from ‘day-to-day’ operations; and

•

Net cash from borrowings and the investment portfolio.

Critically, cash from ‘day-to-day’ operations has trended downward whereas cash from borrowings and investments has trended upward. Further, a significant cash deficit in ‘day-to-day’ operations is observed over 2018 and 2019. This suggests UWA has become increasingly reliant on borrowing cash or ‘cashing in’ investments to fund the deficit in ‘day-today’ operations. This likely represents the “structural deficit” or “cash deficit” referenced by Vice-Chancellor, Professor Chakma.

Do you pay rent? Coz I have a castle hahahahahahaahah

UWA’S FINANCIAL PERFORMANCE HAS BEEN DETERIORATING, BUT A LACK OF FINANCIAL TRANSPARENCY HAS MADE ITS SEVERITY DIFFICULT TO SEE AND VERIFY.

Problem 3: ‘Underlying’ performance has deteriorated since 2014 UWA’s net result may not reflect its ‘true’ performance. For example, in 2019, of UWA’s $120 million net income, $128 million was from investments. Given UWA is a university and not a hedge fund (believe me, it’s debatable) it can be misleading to conclude UWA’s did well in 2019. Instead, ‘underlying’ measures are used to evaluate UWA’s ‘true’ performance through removing misleading items (like investments). There are three main ‘underlying’ measures used today: 1. UWA’s newly implemented ‘Underlying EBITDA’ measure; 2. Australian Group of Eight universities ‘Underlying Result’ measure; and 3. A simple ‘Net Income Less Total Investment Income’ measure.

Problem 4: Transparency UWA’s financial performance has been deteriorating, but a lack of financial transparency has made its severity difficult to see and verify. This has left students and staff second-guessing and confused as to the true state of the university. For example, only $60 million of the $70 million structural deficit is verifiable with public information. Further, while it is possible to see, with fantastic detail, how much UWA makes from “Teaching”, “Research”, and “Other” functions, how much it spends on them is not publicly disclosed. The key point is that without more transparency, it is difficult to verify the extent of UWA’s financial problems, and if these problems are difficult to verify, it is difficult to believe the extreme actions taken to address them are necessary.

Although differing in calculation, all three measures have deteriorated since 2014. Suggesting UWA’s ‘underlying’ or ‘true’ performance has been deteriorating for quite some time! Read the full article at https://pelicanmagazine.com.au/2021/08/14/analysis-aninvestigation-into-uwas-finances/ 46

Vice-Chancellor now delivering cuts via Uber Eats.

Identifying the Nameless: How Advances in Forensic Science are Leaving No One Behind Jack Logan When reflecting on his participation in the development of the atomic bomb, one of the most revolutionary and devastating scientific advancements in human history, J. Robert Oppenheimer remarked: “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” Consumed with regret over his research contributions, he spent the better part of the rest of his life campaigning against the bomb. This tale, though compelling in its tragedy, is not a unique one. In our Twenty-First Century, we, too, are observing revolutionary technologies that are threatened by perversion for nefarious ends. Equally, however, many of these new fields have the potential to be used for good, such as forensic science. The cornerstone of the modern discipline of forensic science is DNA analysis, which was pioneered by British scientists in 1984, originally conceived as a means of resolving paternity disputes and reuniting distant relatives.

This burgeoning tool was first applied to a criminal investigation in 1985 (though this was a marathon process of over a year) with supervising scientist Sir Alec Jeffreys later lamenting that “it took a lot of DNA, and a lot of effort to get a result from a DNA sample. The real problem was that in most crime scene samples, you knew that human DNA was in there – you just didn’t have a technology sensitive enough to type it.” DNA analysis’ role in criminal investigation has led to popular perspective of this scientific procedure becoming warped. What is, in fact, a painstakingly long, laboratorybound process becomes a technological toy for Hollywood writers to play with. While procedural crime dramas of the Twentieth century had largely been set in either an interrogation room or a courthouse, the birth of NCIS in 2003, introduced forensic science to the popular imagination. Since the subsequent rise in popularity of Bones and

“I wandered name/less as a cloud” - Wordsworth

Dexter, featuring scientist protagonists in an investigative setting, it has been hard to untangle the science of DNA analysis from the procedure of police work. It is an idyllic fiction – science uncovers lies and reveals the truth; justice is done as innocents are set free and the guilty are convicted. It is a trite observation to say that reality is more nuanced. Many, including Sir Alec himself, have noted that the awesome power of DNA analysis to serve justice may also be perverted for more sinister ends, remarking that “[The UK] now have a database which is populated with in the order of eight hundred thousand entirely innocent people. This does raise very serious issues of discrimination – breach of genetic privacy, stigmatisation…branding them as future criminals is not a proportionate response in the fight against crime.” Australia, too, has a national DNA database. In fact, we have three, all established in the months and years following 9/11 and the emergence of the War on Terror. In November 2014, Australian Justice Minister Michael Keenan announced that the nation was partnering with the UK, the US, and Canada to enable the international exchange of DNA information. If a person is convicted 48

of a crime in any one of these countries, their DNA can be stored on any one of these databases indefinitely. In a nation where the age of criminal responsibility is a mere ten years of age, this is a cruel stain that can loom over someone for just about their entire life. Indeed, this is a tool whose power extends into the past as well as the future; since 2007, NSW Police have operated a “DNA Backcapture Program”, which empowers officers to retroactively request DNA samples from an individual who has committed a serious offence in the past. Another point where the reality of DNA analysis diverges from its fictional counterpart is its fallibility; mistakes can occur, with horrific consequences. In the 2009 case of R v Jama in Victoria, DNA analysis was the sole evidence used to convict the defendant, who was imprisoned for eighteen months before it was discovered that contamination occurred when forensic samples were taken from the victim. The employment of DNA analysis as a means to examine the past is one that has not only been used to keep tabs on former offenders, but also to study long-dead victims. In 1948, a man’s body was found on Somerton beach in Adelaide. He was

Don’t use Tinder to find love! Use the SafeWA App!

slumped against a seawall, dressed in a suit and tie. His pockets contained nothing to identify him. When initial investigations were inconclusive, the man was buried under a headstone reading only “the unknown man.” Now, as part of a new initiative by the South Australian government to put a name to all unidentified human remains in the state, dubbed Operation Persevere, the Somerton Man has been exhumed for laboratory analysis. Modern science will attempt to give him, and others like him, some form of justice and closure that was denied to them in their own time. Another positive use of DNA analysis is in the identification of deceased asylum seekers, who often travel vast distances without any discernible form of ID. At Texas State University’s Forensic Anthropology Centre, scientists working as part of Operation ID study the rate of decay of human cadavers as part of research into determining migrants’ time of death. One of the scientists working on this project is Kate Spradley, who explains that “knowing how fast a body can decompose in a specific environment is going to tell us a lot, like if we find a set of remains, who we can match them to based on the date of last contact.”

Factors that aid in aligning time of death with date of last contact include analysing the presence and interference of vultures, as well as how human decomposition has affected surrounding plant growth. For example, volatile fatty acids in the human body will initially kill adjacent vegetation, before subsequently enriching the soil and promoting greater plant growth. Examining these ofteninscrutable clues can be tedious, and many such investigations go nowhere, but Spradley, for one, is undeterred: “We have human rights in life and in death. And everybody has the right to be identified and returned to their family. And the family has the right to know what happened to their loved one.” While it is tempting to give in to awe and blind amazement when greeted with the advent of revolutionary new tools and technologies, both the scientific community and the wider public have an obligation towards scrutiny. What can fuel a city-supporting power plant can create an unimaginably destructive bomb. What can reunite loved ones and lay the dead to rest justly can equally feed the creation of an all-seeing pernicious police state. In all technologies is potential energy, awaiting the shove of an ambitious advancing society.

Pelican 92.6 will be the Snyder Cut. It will be longer than the Bible.

FORENSIC ANTHROPOLOGY: HOW BONES CAN IDENTIFY THE NAME/LESS Courtney Henry There’s an old saying that goes, “dead men tell tales.” It’s believed to have originated from the infamous Gouffé Case of 1889, in which a skeleton provided the secrets to identify the victim and trap the murderers, marking a milestone for investigative techniques in forensic science. However, when most people think of forensic science and human remains, they picture fingerprints and DNA – not forensic anthropology. The Gouffé Case began when a body was discovered in Lyons, France, near an abandoned trunk that reeked of decay. Initially, the body could not be identified and was placed in an anonymous pauper’s grave. However, it didn’t stay there long – a few months later the body was exhumed for re-examination by Alexandre Lacassagne, who was a Professor in Forensic Medicine. During the examination of the victim’s skeleton, Lacassagne found that the right knee was deformed and weighed less than the left. This indicated that the victim more than likely suffered from tubercular disease in that leg and would have walked with a limp. This small yet significant piece of information allowed police to connect the body to the missing Toussaint-Augustin Gouffé, who walked with a limp and had been treated for a knee complaint. 50

Give me liberty, or give me death! Or like, a TimTam or something.

Then, once the body had been positively identified as Gouffé’s, the rest of the case began to fall into place; Michel Eyraud, a shady businessman, and his mistress Gabrielle Bompard were arrested for murder. The use of bones in historic police investigations like this one forged the beginnings of the new field of forensic anthropology. The main role of a modern forensic anthropologist now is to apply standard scientific techniques in physical anthropology to the identification of badly decomposed or skeletal remains, and use that information to assist in the investigation of crime. They use measurements and visual examinations of identifying bone features to create an osteobiography of biological sex, age at death, ancestry, stature, and physiological factors such as pathology and trauma. At this point, you may be thinking – how can a bone provide all this information? Well, the shape of pelvic bones is the best evidence for determining a person’s sex, due to the function of birth in the female human body. The skull is also useful for estimating biological sex as females tend to have more smoothness and gracility, while males exhibit more robustness and larger muscle attachment areas. In children, the eruption of teeth and fusion of bones provide age, while in adults it is the degeneration of bones and ligaments such as the pubic symphysis which is assessed. A trained anthropologist is also able to determine certain activities, diet, and ways of life that are reflected in the growth and chemical composition of bones and teeth. Living height can be estimated from the measurements of the skull, spine, leg bones, and ankle. Abnormal changes in the shape, size, and density of bones can indicate disease and trauma which can be linked back to living records. Forensic anthropologists read bones the same way you might read a book. A bone abnormality can tell the story of falling from a tree as a child and breaking an arm, the bumps and grooves of the skull can tell of ancestry, and the length of a finger bone can estimate biological sex. All this evidence combined is then used to recreate the life story of name/less skeletons. Crunchy peanut butter. I repeat: Crunchy. Peanut. Butter.

How Activision Blizzard Besmirched Its Name Kim Harrison CW: workplace harassment, suicide, sexual harassment

resign last year after accusations of sexual misconduct and mishandling of complaints.

Few industries generate the kind of employee horror stories that come out of the game development industry. In an environment where keeping up with tight deadlines and astronomical expectations is the norm, game studios often become (barely) metaphorical pressure cookers for designers and developers. Games are becoming more complex and ambitious every year, and the major studios make bigger and bigger profits from initial releases and the inevitable in-game purchases.

Even with this background in mind, the recent revelations coming from Activision Blizzard, the large US-based maker of titles such as World of Warcraft and Candy Crush, remain shocking and beyond belief. A lawsuit brought on by the California department of fair employment has shed light on a work culture that has left even seasoned industry insiders shocked. A rampant misogynistic work culture would see female employees routinely subjected to demeaning comments about their bodies, with jokes about rape normalised. Meanwhile, a practice known as ‘cube crawl’ would apparently involve drunk male staff members crawling under desks and sexually harassing women while working. The suit also alleges that privacy of mothers’ rooms would be routinely violated, with men coming in either to leer or kick out women to hold private meetings in the rooms.

Rather than these two factors leading to more investment in expanding employee numbers and capabilities, the studios instead went in the other direction. Relatively low levels of pay persist, but only now with absurd expectations, and the dreaded ‘crunch’ periods, where employees are expected to work for days on end with virtually no breaks and little sleep. As you may expect, such environments tend to be rife with toxic cultural problems. While these environments affect all employees, women often bear most of the brunt. In recent years, whistle-blowers have come forward from a range of studios, describing patriarchal work cultures where women are harassed, demeaned, and made to feel othered and excluded. In 2018, a journalistic investigation into League of Legends maker Riot Games uncovered a culture of systemic sexism and harassment. In another recent scandal, Ubisoft (of Assassin’s Creed fame) saw three executives 52

Such behaviour was not only ignored by the company’s executives, they also actively participated in it. Former World of Warcraft senior creative director Alex Afrasabi regularly referred to his hotel rooms while on conferences as the ‘(Bill) Cosby Suite’, where he would pressure female staff members to join him. A former chief technology officer of the company was also known for groping female colleagues while drunk. In an especially tragic event, a female employee committed suicide on a company trip after

Asked the Apple store for a big mac - got no apples and no burgers #scammed

her relationship with a male supervisor led to her nude photos being shared around by male employees at a Blizzard staff event. The sexism also included immovable ceilings placed on the progress of women within the company. A quite low proportion of Activision Blizzard’s staff, around a fifth, are women. Those 20% of staff are overwhelmingly underrepresented in the company’s executive ranks. Promotions are allegedly routinely denied to women, with one female employee testifying that she was told that she was a risk for promotion because she “might get pregnant and like being a mum too much”. It was also common knowledge that women were paid significantly less than men in the same roles, with the trend of lower pay starting in entry-level positions and continuing across the organisation. Female employees have also reported being laid off at levels far higher than male employees. Aside from the shocking allegations that have been raised in the lawsuit as well as the subsequent media coverage, another astounding element to this scandal has been the reaction of Activision Blizzard’s senior management to it. In its initial press release in response to the lawsuit, Blizzard described legal action against it as “irresponsible behaviour from unaccountable State bureaucrats that are driving many of the State’s best businesses out of California”. It doubled down on defending its work culture with an executive claiming that the allegations “presented a distorted and untrue picture of our company”. You couldn’t script a more tone-deaf response to such serious allegations if you tried. But then the voices grew louder in solidarity.

A petition consisting of over 2000 current and former employees of the company denounced Blizzard’s response as “abhorrent and insulting”. Hundreds of them posted their personal harrowing stories on social media, and the tide began to turn. Blizzard president J. Allen Brack changed his tune in internal correspondence with staff, accepting that the allegations in the lawsuit were “extremely troubling”. He soon stepped down, with a number of other executives following him. On reflection, I believe there are three important lessons that emerged from this terrible situation. The first is the importance of solidarity in the workplace, and standing up to abusers and silencers. It was only when thousands of Blizzard employees, both men and women, stood up to defend their colleagues did we see a material change in the way that the scandal was dealt with by management. The second lesson is that the gaming industry finally appears to have reached a moment of reckoning. The events described in the lawsuit, more so than previous scandals, have set off a wave of outrage and calls to action that could hopefully be the start of real change. That momentum must continue, until all of the industry’s inadequate HR practices and cultural problems are dealt with. Finally, it’s a lesson for students and young professionals to always research their options and know what they’re getting into. Too many young people dream about joining a particular company or industry without getting a clear idea of what problems are rife within it. This is exploited by cynical management within those industries to use and abuse idealistic young employees. Don’t be next.

LMS and Student Connect will be replaced with the Pelican website in 2022.

WHERE LESS IS NOT ALWAYS MORE AND NOT ALWAYS ENOUGH By Izabela Barakovska Less is more. A phrase used by creatives far and wide to highlight the fact that despite the razzle dazzle of complicated, technical design and creation, sometimes simplicity is the most powerful approach for a creative to undertake. When viewed from that lens, simplicity, minimalising and Marie-Kondo-ing your work and creative life to suit the exact needs of a client or audience, makes ‘less is more’ sound like the battle cry of empowerment for creatives of all industries. However, when it comes to the economics of freelancing, and life as a freelance creative, less is in fact, not more.

Less is the challenge of constant intra-industry comparisons, by yourself and others. I have had the great pleasure of freelance writing and creating for a few years now, and in that time, I have been stressed, challenged, frustrated, doubtful, questioned, and contested. I have also had the brilliant freedom of writing independently, on topics – people, places, stories, artworks, productions, issues, and feelings – of my choosing, that bring me tremendous amounts of joy and fulfilment.

Less is needing to justify every dollar you charge.

Writing – journalism, copywriting, academic and creative writing – appeals to me regardless of the medium, because I like telling stories. Where writing quality fiction has always been challenging for me, writing non-fiction – the untold stories of the world we live in and underestimate every day – has always been a welcome challenge I gladly undertake.

Less is needing to constantly hustle to find

There is a great power and empowerment

Less is the frustration of first figuring out how to monetise your skill. Less is being paid in exposure.

work.

Got invited for a coffee but it wasn’t for guild elections #disappointed

to being a freelance creative. You can choose your clients, choose your style, your working hours, your workload, your creative brand and image. But with that, also comes the self-responsibility to make decisions on how you monetise, advertise, market, and manage the economics required to make this creative pathway a sustainable one.

So much of the process of monetising time, energy and IP as a creative is in understanding that it is as much about confidence, selfrespect and valuing your self-worth as it is about experience, skill, image, and reputation.

And with that, here are five things I wish I knew when I first started freelancing:

Mentorship is truly the biggest blessing. Whether it be in your personal or professional life, finding your Mr. Miyagi is one of the best pillars for success. I have a mentor for effectively every part of my life, and whilst they’re not there to make decisions for you, mentorship is a fantastic opportunity to learn from the experience and wisdom of others, and to make better-informed decisions for yourself.

1. Don’t be afraid to set your rates I have spent countless nights stressing over two things – that I wasn’t being paid enough (and in many cases, at all) for how hard I was working, and equally, that if I increased my rates, people would think, “why should I pay you that?”

2. Trust yourself, but also trust others – mentorship and feedback

Fact of the matter is, I am yet to have a client turn me down because of my rates. So why is that the cause of such stress?

Alongside your mentors, who are likely highly skilled, well-renowned, experienced professionals, also don’t be afraid to put trust in your friends and family.

I think this is not a phenomenon, and in fact an experience common to many creatives, especially the young or the novice. You work hard, you refine your skills, and you are delivering a service – and as a writer especially, you’re selling your intellectual property – and you deserve to be adequately paid for your time and efforts. If you set your rate too low, you’ll feel it and you need to adjust accordingly.

It took me a long time to start openly asking for feedback on my written work. When you invest so much time and energy into something, it’s very easy to become emotionally attached, and to feel an immense vulnerability to putting your work up for review – the vibe is very much: negative feedback = negative reflection of self, positive feedback = positive reflection of self.

And if you get rejected by a client for it? Take a sign from the universe that it wasn’t meant to be, and invest time and energy into finding a client or project that will pay you that, or better yet, more. Imposter syndrome comes at all levels, in all industries, and at every age. It’s about not letting it stop you reaching far and wide to do what you want in your career.

This attachment is firstly detrimental to your growth, but also secondly to the delivery of your work. When you think – and feel – in this way, you’re creating for you and your ego, rather than the client, brief, and target audience. Feedback will sometimes feel incredible, and

The birds and the bees; the Pelicans and the -

other times it will really hurt. It’s what you do with it that will make you a better writer. 3. Set boundaries. Do it. This is a lesson that feels particularly important to the general populace, and one many would have learnt on their own by working from home (the acronym is WFH but the experience is WTH). Choosing to set your own work hours sounds like a dream, until you realise you’re working 12-14 hours a day across various professional and academic commitments and are regularly on the brink of burnout. Trust me, not a good mindset to be writing anything in, for anyone. As much as you may love your work, love yourself and your wellbeing too. If you’re not prioritising that, you soon won’t be able to prioritise anything on your to-do list. So be mindful to shut down your computer at the end of a night, to take on only as much as you can and not more, to be pragmatic with timelines, and to take a break. The hustle and grind culture will still be there when you start your laptop back up. 4. Your edits are still your time Strongly correlated to the notes on self-respect and monetisation is the fact that your edits are still your time. Just because you send a piece through to a client, does not mean they’ll love it as much as you do.

clients in the same way they will communicate theirs. How many changes to your writing or designs are you willing to make? Are they included in your original quote or are they an added fee? How long are you willing to do the back and forth of finalising a project? And do edits really need to be made, or are you – or they – just being perfectionists? If you don’t ask and answer these questions, clients will fill in the gaps themselves, and it can be very difficult to have those discussions after-the-fact. 5. Be authentic And finally, the authenticity of your experience will make you the best writer regardless of whether it’s a social media copy, a wellresearched journalistic piece, or an article on something that brings you joy. Receiving praise for something that feels like your heart on a page is one of the most profoundly rewarding parts of my career, and I hope to be able to continue in a professional pathway where I get to choose what I create with that same conviction, passion, and autonomy. Write what you know, and you will do well. And if you don’t know, learn. Find Izabela’s freelance work at: ibarakovska. wixsite.com

Account for this when quoting, be diligent in your timekeeping (I recommend Toggl Tracker for this – I love it) and be fair to yourself: clearly communicate your expectations with 56

Riley Faulds from the Pelican Party will run for Guild President in 2022.

In Your Pocket Sebastian Callum

crawling and staggering in circles since ’36, you don’t see me complaining. Ghosting can be a good thing. In how many ways can you tell a person you don’t like them? The terrace is sinking under the weight of millennial pining. Can’t own property, own each other. Watching the central server – desert-bound – pubescents chucking emojis at one another. My friends turned into rappers or photographers. At the table with the Spaniard. He can’t pronounce his own name and I don’t know your birthday. I was contracted three weeks ago to pretend to be your boyfriend. Shoulder rubs are free. Colouring in a pot plant, Sharpie-Adderall energy.

At the table with Chileans, watching the deck of cards race across the table. There goes diamond – whoop – here comes clubs charging forward – what’s that? – pluck diamond man corre por tu vida. To my left is the sensitive soul. Each time I see her and from each different angle she looks different. God forbids devil smile, no teeth tight grin. Say all you want, she won’t let you kiss her. Disposition and I’m falling off the bed. Previous next reveal subtitle. Messages hanging over your life like strings from the master. She pokes and prods and tells you about the Columbians and the Northern British from a coastal seat. Everything comes to you once you stop wanting it. Play the victim in next week’s theatrical. Out of work with plenty of time. I’ve been

At the table with Tourrette’s. To my right is the beach bum, who doesn’t surf but moved in for the board. Beats swimming, the waters off-bounds. Still update yourself in front of it. Check. Another. JPEG no te reconozco. Tote bag stoned on the promenade, totem charged like Charizard, Trigg soul picnic in golden floaties. Maybe you should just fake it. Hanging over this town like the plump ghost of Elvis. At the party this Summer w/ Size XXL ABCDEFG cups. Her aunty’s ringing and my uncle’s forgetting. Either that or he’s streamlining – text subpage reveal subtitle – hoisting up dementia river. This is a hoax, you sold the rights of your body to Netflix. Meanwhile they found me drunk and mumbling in the Creative Commons. This chair is sinking under the weight of boomer pining: ride it out, pulpy and nasty.

That timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: Pel-i-CAN!

Farmers in the Big City! Patrick Eastough

Farmers. Farmers everywhere. A mass migration every year, populating college row with their flannel attire and slurred, outlandish sayings. Being a farmer isn’t just a job, it’s a lifestyle. It is so much more than just your farm — you have a duty to spread awareness about your rural locality, wherever you may be. My friends and I work hard to produce a suitable response when someone asks where we are from. I myself am from a little town called Yuna, and when people become aware of that, it then becomes a guessing game of what local city/town they know of that’s closest to my farm. Just give up while you can — it’s a tiring game for you and me. Of course, being from up north, it’s a little difficult to try to explain where you’re from to someone from the latte strip, although that was the job we were born to do. A lot of farmers that do come to the big smoke just give up the farming name, because naturally it’s easier to cut off circulation to a sheep’s testicle, than it is to explain the process of deep-ripping to some golden58

triangle-dwelling-latte-sipper from Business and Management class.

your

Not to mention, being in such a cultural mixing pot as the big city (Perth, believe it or not), there are a few dust-ups between the types of farmers. Contrary to popular belief, not every farmer is lucky enough to have green pastures and a harem of girls like Farmer Rob on Farmer Wants a Wife. I’m not going to go into the details on why station farmers and horticultural farmers have such a long history, but when it comes to between the division of different types of farmers, it all boils down to one simple factor: RAIN. Yes, rain. To identify as a farmer and adopt the ‘farmer name’, you have to produce something. No matter what that something is, if it is a natural resource, you can be considered a typical ‘farmer’. (Note: A hobby farmer that goes and visits their grandparents’ ‘property’ but doesn’t have acre or hectares in the triple digits is not a farmer).

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To be a farmer in the city, there are three facts that you need to come to terms with: 1. You will deal with horticultural farmers who claim they’re not getting enough rain yet seem to average triple of your yearly rainfall. 2. You see a lot of ugly buildings in the big smoke because they did not account for farmers being wealthy enough to send their kids to university. 3. You have to deal with people asking if you drove to uni, even when you’ve just told them you live six-plus hours up north. Although there is a natural schism between certain types of farmers, we all despise the big smoke for its ability to have way more rain than any other place we know. It’s as if they haven’t already stolen our rural NBN satellites so they can keep their wireless house from lagging when they ask for the lights to turn on, even though it would take less time just to flick the switch. Although living in the city is an amazing opportunity for rural folks, it’s also a massive

tear in our hearts. Being born and bred on wide open spaces and free rein to follow through on any crazy ideas you might have, is all taken away when you conduct the big move. The one thing I miss the most when talking about or even thinking about the farm, isn’t the honest work or the wide-open spaces, but it’s seeing the same stars that my family look at every night. The stars might be the same everywhere, but unfortunately the light pollution is a major problem within Perth, and when I look up at night and see three stars instead of millions, it’s disheartening. Being a farmer in the city is an absolute ordeal. You’re dealing not only with hobby farmers, latte sippers, and horticultural farmers, but also a sense of loneliness in a city full of people. So, do I call myself a farmer and use the ‘farmer name’? Yes. I might cop some flack for not having reliable wifi when I go home, but there is no better feeling than knowing where my heart belongs and what keeps me pursuing my future here in the big city.

Hot lecturer = 100% attendance x 0% focus.

UWA AND WA ATHLETES SHINE AT GOLDEN OLYMPICS Joseph Dawson

The Tokyo 2020 Olympics captivated the nation in a way that seemingly few Olympics have done before. At a time when over half of the country was in lockdown, our inspirational athletes did us proud by performing on the biggest stage after a gruelling five year cycle just to get to the Olympics. Of course, our swimmers were spectacular as usual, with Ariane Titmus exploding onto the scene and beating none other than Katy Ledecky to take out two gold medals in the 400m freestyle and 200m freestyle. Emma McKeon became Australia’s most decorated Olympian, taking out the title for most medals won by any Australian at all Olympics. 15 of the 17 gold medals Australia won were either in or on the water! UWA’s very own Tamsin Cook, a current student, competed in the women’s 400m freestyle heats and UWA club members Zac Incerti (swimming), Bronwyn Cox (rowing), and Brianna Throssell (swimming) all competed and did UWA proud as well. The Kookaburras, who took out a silver medal in a heartbreaking loss to Belgium had four UWA-associated members, either club members, students, or staff: Flynn Ogilvie, Tim Howard, Andrew Charter, and Tom Wickham. Despite missing out on gold, any 60

Olympic medal is an achievement worth celebrating, as is competing in any Olympic Games. These athletes have continued the proud Olympic tradition that UWA has. They have done all past and current students proud with their efforts. A further congratulations is also extended to West Australians Annabelle McIntyre and Jack Cleary, who won a gold and bronze medal respectively in rowing. Annabelle rowed out of the Fremantle Rowing Club and Jack Cleary rowed for West Australian Rowing Club after coming back from the University of California in Berkeley once he graduated from Trinity College. Hour of power a new high for rowing in Australia Tokyo 2020 was the most successful Olympics for Australian rowing, with two gold medals and two bronze medals occurring within an hour - creating an hour of power that will be etched into the history of Australian sport and most certainly Australian rowing. The men’s rowing team for Australia has not won a gold medal since 1996 when the ‘oarsome foursome’ defended their gold medal from Barcelona with a thrilling win in Atlanta.

Pelican, Peafowl...Penguin?

And WA’s very own Kim Brennan won gold in the women’s single scull in 2016, in the only rowing gold medal for that Olympics in Rio. Yet two new oarsome foursomes were created, with both the men’s and women’s fours taking out gold in a gutsy and courageous display, where both crews led from the start and maintained that by holding off fast-finishing crews that looked like they would have won if the race went another 100 metres. With only three more years until Paris 2024, we may see both crews achieve one of the rarest feats in the sporting world, defending an Olympic title once again. Perth’s very own Peter Bol provides inspirational effort Before Tokyo 2020, very few people in Australia would have recognised the name Peter Bol, Australia’s premier 800m athlete. In Olympics and years past, being Australia’s premier 800m athlete did not account for much on the world stage, with Bol becoming the first Australian to Make an 800m final at the Olympics since 1960. Bol was born in Sudan and then lived in Egypt, before relocating to Queensland, and then moving to Perth. His journey to the Olympics is an astounding achievement, but successive

runs in the heats and semis that broke the Australian record meant that for the first time in seemingly forever, Australia had a gold medal hope in the 800m. Bol ran out hard, leading the pack at the end of the first lap, and his courage and bravery were on full display as he gave all he could to hang on in the last 200 metres, but it wasn’t enough. Bol’s effort will no doubt inspire a new generation of middle-distance athletes, and people across Australia. Bol’s story and the way he unified the nation really proved what the Olympics are all about. Jess Fox takes home elusive gold No doubt one of the most heart-warming stories of the Olympics was Jess Fox taking home gold in the canoe slalom. She had won a bronze medal earlier in the Olympics, after she grazed a post, hence getting a time penalty that cost her the gold medal in that event. After London and Rio, where the gold medal eluded her, the whole nation was no doubt reaching for tissues after she achieved her dream, all while her dad was commentating on the Channel 7 team as the event was being broadcast. A story of persistence and perseverance, Jess Fox is an exemplary Australian whose example we can all aspire to.

You know what they say about small magazines...

name/less: an ode to ghost-writing Saul Revell

While ghost-writing is hardly new to the music industry, its prevalence over the past few decades has swelled to an unprecedented degree. Rather than it being rare for popular artists to employ professional songwriters, it’s become the norm. One concern that naturally arises when confronted with this trend is that it somehow undermines music’s place in culture as a form of artistic self-expression. How can an artist’s music be said to be something special and creative if they haven’t created it themselves, but rather employed someone to do it for them? The core of this concern is that people’s attitudes to music are rooted in their perception of what music is and that these attitudes and this perception are what gives music the prowess it has in persuading an audience. This relationship between artists, music, and audiences relies on the perceived nature of what being an artist that releases music is. This perception in turn relies on the fact that artists previously wrote their own music far more often than not. By undermining this system, we risk undermining the value that music is able to bring us. Another related issue is that ghost-writing alters the nature of what an “artist” is. Rather than artists being both creators and players of music, they’re now more akin to brands. This is, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, what’s wrong with music being treated in the same manner as other modern commodities? An initial response to this is that music simply isn’t the same as other modern commodities and the fact that it has been so commodified doesn’t change this. One feature of music which sets it apart and that ought to be explored is the perception of music by its audience. Appreciators of music do not (and should not) have the same attitude towards music as they do towards material 62

There are 4357 pelicans in the Pelican Office...I counted.

goods. There is no sense in which, for instance, Amazon customers expect that Jeff Bezos spends his time binding books together to be shipped, but there is, however, a sense in which music is perceived as being personal to the artist that releases it. While this perception is false in many cases, it is this perception that drives fans to consume music. It’s the belief that music creates some kind of connection between the writer and the listener, and more than that it’s the perception of an artist based on the music they’ve released that makes fans identify with them and follow them. So, the question of whether ghost-writing is acceptable can be, in part, reduced to the question of whether there is something important or valuable about the way that people feel about and interact with the artists that they listen to. Moreover, is there something valuable about whether or not such feelings or interactions have a basis in truth? This, I think, is the sticking point. The importance of whether people’s relationships with art and artists are genuine, or whether it’s simply a conveniently lucrative fabrication. One way to highlight this importance is to explore our earlier comparison between music and other commodities. If we consider the way that people interact with products they consume, we can see that the more transactional the industry behind those products becomes, the less personal and more shallow people’s attitudes become to those products. It’s a simple fact of economics that one way to devalue anything, whether that be a product or even a currency is to saturate the market with that thing. The more easily produced and the more readily available something is, the less it is valued by its consumers. Popular music – as it is so often being produced today – is very much an oversaturated commodity. Artists are under pressure to release more and more work, which only increases their reliance on ghost-writing. The only remaining question is whether there is something troubling about such a transactional approach to music, whether treating music as we treat other products is inappropriate. One reason to consider that this might be the case is that music is simply unlike these other products and commodities that we treat so disdainfully, both in its very nature and in its means of creation, but most importantly in its ability to move us, to connect us, and to shape us. Next year’s Pelican is six A5 editions in length. It will be called giraffe.

When does comfy chic become too comfortable? Mia Alfaro

Last year, after the London, Milan, and Paris Fashion weeks, Vogue published an article expressing that it was time to start embracing pyjama dressing. The chic look of oversized satin button ups, wide leg trousers, contrasting linen pants, the newly popularised Bottega Venetta sandals, and intricate bags and belts took the streets by storm. This new trend allowed people to wear their comfiest clothes at all times of the day and still look dressed to the nines. A year and a half later, people may not be daring enough to execute the bold move to wear silk satin pyjamas on a night out. Yet TikTok’s viral Oodies and Y2K inspired UGGs have definitely not stopped people from opting for comfort over style. What we have posed to us, as students, is whether it is acceptable to wear these house clothes and winter warmers on campus. Yes, we are STRESSED, and yes, sometimes it is easier for us to roll straight out of bed and 64

into our next tutorial without having to make these hard style choices. Do I go with my 501s and a retro Cool Cats tee - or cute mini with an oversized crew neck? Don’t even get me started on what sneakers to wear. Despite it being so chaotic at times, I am still a firm believer in making sure that the process is good for us: that it adds to the routine of getting ready for the day and into the headspace of “let’s get shit done!” Changing out of my pyjamas or my comforters is just as important as grabbing a coffee from Rocket Fuel. Student life needs to have a stressed/not stressed fashion balance and wearing your pyjamas on campus is where that line should be drawn. When I see people wearing their Oodies on campus, I think to myself - how do you manage to stay awake and what is your ‘time to chill’ kit? On the other hand, maybe I’m a masochist who thrives off my clothes being uncomfortable but looking good.

The next person you see holding a Pelican Magazine is your soulmate.

“It’s how I express myself ” is also a phrase I hear A LOT when it comes to fashion. You can express yourself in fashion through so many different avenues. Social media has provided us with that wealth. University, unfortunately, is not that space; it is a place where workplace professionals and prosperous employers are often perusing the grounds for events or guest lecturing. I personally would be distraught if I turned up to a job interview in two years’ time and the person on the opposite side of the table was someone who I interacted with whilst wearing my finest Peter Alexander threads. Presentation unfortunately does matter more than we want to admit. Ask yourself...would it leave a bad taste in your mouth if you were on the opposite end of that experience?

to my own criticisms. Being so overwhelmed during Semester One exams, I proceeded to wear my bed track pants to campus on a double exam day and then...the Tav. We all fall victim to it at one point in our life. Sometimes, it really is all too much and when you have to cram three lectures and four weeks’ worth of tutorial notes into thirty minutes; making a fashion statement is the last thing on your mind. In the end, those days are few and far between. You can be comfy and cozy on campus without having to show everyone your latest avocado-covered Oodie. We also have Instagram stories for a reason! Go flex your maximum comfort levels on there.

Although it seems as though I am someone who would cringe at the thought of a PJ parade on campus, I have been hypocritical So apparently singing in the Reid Showers is not acceptable?

Remembering the 724 BC Olympic Games Faisal Hamza

I’m thinking of that special time of leap year. The Great War of the East had been respectfully suspended. Personal beefs, like my feud with Aegeus regarding my livestock count, had been put on hold. Bandits and mercenaries took a break of honour for people to safely make their way. People of all creeds and classes gathered eagerly, for the love of the game, and to avoid committing sacrilege against the great Zeus. Else, you would be struck by lightning, and guaranteed a barren crop. Of course, I’m talking about the 724 BC Olympic Games. There were some big names competing that year. Desmon, of the proud village Corinth, was the favourite to take the stadion. It would be the second win in a row for Corinth, who had not stopped blabbering on about it. Notably absent was their victor from the 66

previous games, Diokles, whom naturally Desmon had to slay in order to compete. Not one to be counted out, the famed nude runner Orsippos, feeling confident that year, had been separated within the village from Leandros of Messenia - who famously commented, “(it’s) easy to run nude when there are few prohibitions below the belt. Do you get it? I mean his di-”. He was unable to finish due to a strike from Orsippos. Naturally, all the competitors were Greek, as it should’ve remained. Apologies, (but not apologies) to the pesky Roman riff-raff. Yet, we mustn’t forget those who couldn’t make it. The hopeless competitors that were weeded out in trials of strength and endurance to qualify for the games. To the masses, they were but no-names unworthy of our attention. But cousin Decius attempted to qualify that year. We miss him every day.

UWA Love Letters is modern-day Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids.

As the crowd of men and unmarried women piled in, the atmosphere was electric with news of the number of events doubling that year. Now, on top of the stadion, we were also witness to the great dialous. A foot race double(!) the length of the stadion. Some considered it excessive, but I welcomed the change. Hypenos of Elis was my favourite to take the cake, as his leg length was the most impressive of all the competitors. Although, the leg length and calf girth of Akanthos of Sparta was not to be ignored, his blue eyes suggesting blessings of agility. Things were off to a shaky start after news of the sacrifice of Gregorios of Dyspontium. Allegedly, he was caught snorting a magic potion within the Olympic village. The people of Dyspontium were distraught not to see one of their own amongst the games. Zeus was most displeased. The farmers were particularly distressed, due to what had

already been a turbulent few years of drought. The fair land of Dyspontium was never quite the same. Nonetheless, the games offered the spectacle they promised. As I’d suspected, Desmon won the stadion with ease, and the leg length of Hypenos proved to be too great. Both men looked smug in their crowns of leaves, and the celebratory feast in the Prytaneion was as grand as could’ve been predicted. Amongst the celebration, I caught sight of that thieving scum Aegeus, but in the spirit of the games, I withheld my knife. The same could not be said for the walk home. Now, I can only dream of the days where less was more and the big names were all interesting (and Greek). Although times are not always easy, I’ll always have the fond memories of the 724 BC Olympic games to keep me going.

Writing for Pelican is the only drug I need hunni.

Questions to ask your Uber Driver instead of “busy night?” Megan Rundle

So you’ve decided to be the alpha on tonight’s adventure out in the town. The weaklings have crawled into the backseat, maybe even the fake seats in the boot, to avoid the terrifying front with the Uber driver. But you – you’re obviously the natural born leader of the group, Destiny’s Child’s Beyonce, the Wiggles’ yellow Wiggle (Greg). The front doesn’t scare you! But there’s one thing you’ve never been able to master: that dreaded conversation starter that will determine whether you’re just the everyday classic front seat rider OR a master in the art of Uber conversation. Luckily for you, I’ve put together a few questions to take you to the next level. You’ll be less of an Uber amateur and more of an Uber conversational beast. How fast does this thing go? The Uber driver is obviously an expert in cars, and you wouldn’t want them to think they’re sitting next to some idiot. This question allows you to not only appear as an eager motorhead but also allows you to possibly experience a wild ride that will not only benefit you but everyone on board. The most epic answer to this question would be “check this out” and then they speed down Mitchell Freeway, getting you and your passengers to the front of The Court line as soon as possible. Don’t worry, if they ask how fast your car is, just joke: “never fast enough hey?” - or something to pretend like you know what you’re talking about. 68

How to BNOC: put your hand in a fist and tap it against the door.

Do you mind if I play my “After Speeches: 21st” playlist? The fun thing about this question is the answer will always be yes. Everyone loves hearing about your 21st that was six months ago and how much of a banger it was. The Uber driver wasn’t there but they sure will feel like it after they hear your set of rocking tunes. Yes, I have the whole Olivia Rodrigo soundtrack on there and the Uber driver will learn to bloody love it. What’s your most embarrassing sex story? Everyone’s got one and they’re always bound to be great. Yes, it may seem a little personal but if the Uber driver is into it, you and your mates will be laughing the whole car ride. For a bit of extra spice, try asking the follow-up question: “do you still know the person?” Sort of like a: “where are they now” episode to the original series. Never disappoints. Do you know any famous people? I stop at nothing when it comes to networking so why would I stop for a fifteen-minute car ride? Everyone knows someone, so put in the WORK. I once met someone who knew James Corden and I’ve now been featured as an extra in every movie musical since 2015. Nah, not really, but wouldn’t that be cool? Gossip Girl reboot: unnecessary or a brilliant piece of television that perfectly summarises influencer culture? Tread carefully with this one, as this question will really get the car talking! Yes, there might be a correct answer, and if the Uber driver says the wrong answer…well let’s just say Ola will be seeing a rise in profits. Well, there you have it folks! A large variety of questions to help you absolutely dominate the front seat. Your driver won’t even want to drop you off after these ice breakers! Good luck and remember…it’s always gonna be a busy night so there’s no point asking, buddy.

Broadway pizza is free on a Wednesday. At a Pelican launch night. Come!

IN THE NAME OF SUSTAINABILITY! Emma Forsyth

Want to start shopping sustainably but don’t know how to? Don’t worry – we’ve got you! Get your sustainability on with this guide to local op-shops near our lovely Crawley Campus. Below we give ratings out of ten and tell you why you should check them out!

Magpie Conscious Collective

Good Sammy’s Subiaco

26 Ashton Avenue, Claremont

28 Rokeby Road Subiaco

10/10

Located next to Vinnies in Claremont (so you can double op-shop), in addition to secondhand clothing they have the opportunity to bring clothes donations for a sweet 20% off !

Vinnies Northbridge

Lucy in Disguise

267B William St, Northbridge

144 Rokeby Road Subiaco

9.5/10

The eccentric Artsy kid’s back closet is the best description for the Vinnies in Northbridge. A perfect place to find sustainable chic clothing that will help a noble cause!

Dress Circle Emporium 35/88 BROADWAY, Crawley

7.5/10

Located next to Broadway IGA, this store may look intimidating at first. However, we PROMISE it’s so worth it for those pre-loved designer items you didn’t know you needed! You may even be able to snag some super cheap deals if you look on the rack out the front... 70

9.5/10

The perfect place to find the cheaper and equally as good, fast fashion alternative item of clothing, that will additionally raise money for the Good Sammys!

8/10

If you are a vintage fanatic – look no further than Lucy in Disguise! They have everything from leopard print coats, to 80’s jumpsuits and, of course, vintage wedding dresses!

Tales from the extras: Boa Antahputro

Two background extras of a blockbuster Hollywood action film gain self-awareness Bystander Two: So, what do we do now? Bystander One: Um, I guess we just sit and wait for now. Wait for the director to direct us. Two: Cool, cool. I’m kinda excited you know. It’s my first time. One: Same! Feels a bit a surreal to be so close to the stars. Look, it’s Peyton Price! They both wave at Peyton Price. P.P. waves back. Two: Nice. Peyton Price waved at us. One: He’s so hard. Two: The hardest. One: By the way do you know what kind of film this is? Two: Um, no…I wasn’t told. One: Hm. Same. Lots of cars on the set though. Might be a racing film. Two: Are we in Fast and Furious? One: Could be. But no sign of Vin Diesel. Two: He wouldn’t be here. Dom died in Fast and Furious 17 remember? Doesn’t matter. We’ll see when it starts. By the way I never got your name. One: My name? What do you mean? Two: What do you mean “what do you mean”? Your name. You never told me your name. They both pause and stare at each other One: I don’t remember my name… Come to think of it… I don’t remember ever having one. Two: What? What do you mean you never had one? One: I never had one… I don’t think you do either. Two: Um, yeah, I do. My name’s… my name is… it’s… it’s um… One: Dude. I don’t think we have names. We’re extras after all. Baby ‘Shark’ is this generation’s ‘Fur Elise’

Two: Jesus. Yeah, I guess so. Hey, I guess that means we get to pick our own names. One: Yeah, I guess. What’s your name going to be? Theo: Theo. One: Why theo? Theo: It was the first name that came up after you asked me. What about you? Lita: Lita. My name is Lita. Theo: Nice. Lisa: Actually, it’s Lisa. My name is Lisa. Theo: Nice to me– Lita: Actually no. It’s Lita. Theo: Nice to meet you, Lita. They shake hands. Lita: So, Theo, how’d you get on set? Theo: I uh… um… Lita: You don’t remember, do you? Theo: No. I’m guessing you don’t either. Lita shakes head. Lita: Do you remember taking this job? Theo: No. Lita: Do you remember what you did yesterday? Theo: No. I don’t remember a yesterday. Lita: What’s the first thing you remember? Theo: Asking “So, what do we do now?” Lita: And my first memory was answering you. Theo: Oh god… Lita: Do you remember anything else? 72

President’s XI vs. VC’s XI cricket has changed to 11 round MMA.

Theo: Oh god… Lita: Theo, listen to me. DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE?! Theo: Vin Diesel… Fast and Furious… Family… All I remember are images of the entire Fast and Furious franchise. Lita: Oh God. We’re just extras. WE’RE JUST FUCKING EXTRAS! Theo: What do you mean? Lita: Think about it. All we remember is being on set and nothing else. And everything we do is according to a script. Think about it. When we waved to Peyton Price earlier, when you shook my hand, when you stopped and stared, did you want to do that, or did you just do it? Theo: I did it cos the script told me to… Peyton Price isn’t even a real celebrity… Lita: Oh God… Oh God… OH GOD! STOP READING! STOP READING! Theo: What? Lita: STOP READING PLEASE! Theo: Lita! Who are you talking to?! Lita: IF YOU KEEP READING ONE OF US WILL DIE. STOP READING PLEASE. Theo: Lita wha– DIRECTOR: ALRIGHT, ALL EXTRAS RUN TOWARDS THE BIG MCDONALDS SIGN. THEY RUN. Theo: Oh Jesus, I can’t stop running. LITA: PLEASE STOP! THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE! All extras on the set run away from a car charging at full speed. Inside is Vin Diesel. The car crashes into the crowd. LITA is one of the background extras hit by the car. LITA dies. DIRECTOR: CUT. Alrighty, that was a good take. But let’s take it back from the beginning, just a little less shouting from the extras please. Wait for my directions. Thank you. END SCENE.

Competition: re-name the Guild. My pick: Darren.

Bio Answers Hey! No cheating! Visit Page 6 first to try and match our contributor names with their bios! 1. Ahmed Suliman also wants to be woken 17. Jarrad Inman is a half-black heart attack. up when September ends. 18. Jas Saunders may or may not be a pirate, 2. Aideen Gallagher is a final year JD student a ghost, a vampire, but refuses to confirm reporting to you straight from quarantine. which one. 3. True to her Italian heritage, Amy 19. Kim Harrison is wondering whether she Papasergio likes to eat spaghetti whilst should have the last slice of the cheesecake watching spaghetti westerns. 20. Luke Barber wishes cafés would stop 4. Ashley Browse dropped his real name thinking they are too good to serve scrambled somewhere and can’t find it anywhere. eggs. 5. Boa Antahputro loves coming home to a 21. Maddi Broad and Luke Barber pooled full mousetrap. Rest in peace Sean Lock. their collective creativity and this was still the

6. Camila Egusquiza is an overly anxious South American student, trying to make a career in journalism

best they could do.

7. Charles Fedor likes spending time highlighting other people’s inadequacies, not realising that perhaps he should apply that to himself

23. Mia Alfaro is good at making critiques, not following them.

8. As of this week, Charlie Mills can no longer do a cartwheel 9. Courtney Henry likes to talk to bones while examining them. They haven’t spoken back...yet! 10. Courtney Withers has some strong opinions about spearmint milkshakes. 11. Edward Charles is yet to be informed that drinking sangria isn’t a personality trait. 12. Elanor Leman: Some say she still haunts the Winthrop Bell Tower to this very day. 13. Ellie Fisher’s saviour is Alexandra Savior 14. Faisal Hamza wants to point out you’ve never seen him and acclaimed Colombian singer Andrea Echeverri in the same room. 15. Izabela Barakovska likes to tell the untold stories.

22. Megan Rundle yawned 39 times today, she counted.

24. Natasha Brandon is an avid cafe attendee who will never fail to say “Cows!” when passing a field of cows. 25. Paris Javid is an alleged physics student; confirmed local cryptid. 26. Patrick Eastough really wishes he was on Farmer Wants a Wife. 27. Phoebe Levin wants her Sub-Editor to move to Canberra with her *please Luke*. 28. Prema Arasu dreams of one day making it into ‘Pelican’s top ten best dressed.’ 29. Riley Faulds is an editor in the streets and a poet in the sheets ;) 30. Sebastian Callum is locked down. 31. Tim Wong is just waiting for midsemester break 32. Vivienne Chester will be entombed in Hackett café until further notice

16. Jack Logan conducts research at UWA as some pathetic substitute for his crimesolving fantasies. 74

All the best, warm kind regards, talk soon, cheers, thanks, seeya, Pelican.

guild elections POLLING STARTS MONDAY 20TH SEPTEMBER Polling for Guild Elections will be held on the week starting Monday 20th September. For students not able to attend polling booths, Postal Vote applications are now available on our website. Visit www.uwastudentguild.com/elections for more information on the election process or contact elections@guild.uwa.edu.au.

DON’T DELAY! APPLY FOR YOUR POSTAL VOTE NOW: www.uwastudentguild.com/elections Postal Vote applications must be received by the Returning Officer, Mary Petrou, by 4pm, Friday 17th September. Ballot papers will be mailed out to approved applicants and completed ballot papers must be received by the Returning Officer by 5pm, Thursday 23rd September 2021.

Inside This Edition: Farmers in the Big City! – Patrick Eastough

The Rise and Demise of Egg Boy – Luke Barber An Ode to Ghost-Writing – Saul Revell Admit You Love Taylor Swift – Vivienne Chester And so, so much more...

2021 | Established 1929

Pelican Edition 5 - Name/less

Articles inside

Faisal Hamza

Forsyth

Questions to ask your Uber Driver instead of “busy night? - Megan Rundle

When does comfy chic become too comfortable? - Mia Alfaro

Saul Revell

Olympics - Joseph Dawson

In Your Pocket - Sebastian Callum

Patrick Eastough

Izabela Barakovska

Name - Kim Harrison

Courtney Henry

Jack Logan

Alexander Knott

love letters - Prema Arasu

Luke Barber

Edward Charles

Harboured Hears - Jas Saunders

Ashley Browse

Lux Alkazar

Swift - Vivienne Chester

Ricky Neil Jr. - Jarrad Inman

Camila Egusquiza

Generation - Elanor Leman

Politicontiki - Phoebe Levin

incise - Ellie Fisher

Amy Papasergio

Cleo Robins

Tim Wong

Match the Bio! (A Game Match the Bio! (Did you get them right?)