-Friday,
April
3, 1981
60
Pages
2 -
NEWS PABLliJ M SECRET SURGEON GENERAL’S REPORT REVEALED
A little-known addendum to the famous SurgeonGeneral’s Anti-Smoking Report was uncovered in a back room of the Government Library Monday. It had been used to prop up a table with a short leg. Upon investigation, it was shown that this addendum, never before released contained “Suggestions to Hard-‘Core Smokers”. Among the suggestions were: 0 Cancer is far more prevalent in people who posess a healthy nervous system; with all the nicotine in a smoker’s system, it’s impossible to be calm, lowering the cancer incidence. l Due to government taxes, smokers contribute to the economic growth of Canada. l Healthy habits like whole wheat bread, healthy lungs, crunchy granola and fasting went out of fashion with love beads and peace signs. In case a smoker is being attacked and harrassed by a group of ardent nonsmokers, the report says, “as a last resort, you can always claim you only have only one lung, and your chances of getting cancer are halved. In the ensuing stunned silence, you can make your escape.” London (CP) - At a dinner -given by the Conservative Party, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher spoke only once. In her brief speech, Mrs. Thatcher discussedthe plight of lemmings in South Africa and thesouth African government’s policy of seperate but equal development-for humans and lemmings alike. Rome (AP) - In a speech to today, environmentalists Prime Minister Bofha criti-
cized England’s Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for her cfiticism of his government’s policy on lemmings. When asked to qualify his statement, Mr. Botha replied that “Mrs. Thatcher should look at her own government’s ‘apartheid policy’, in particular, the isolation of Scats to Scotland.” Moscow (INS) -The Soviet news agency TASS today released two related stories about Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev. He recently suffered disappointment as his five-year plan was cut short in its third year by the Soviet government. For unknown reasons, he received a commiseratory telegram from television producer Gene Roddenberry. Tomorrow, Premier Brezhnev will give a speech on his “remaining two-fifths” plan, outlining his plans on disarmaments, the Peace Corps and expanding Pepsi concessions in Siberia. Rome (EIEIO) - Today the famous late film producer Cino Visconti Today, Norman D. Invasion, Uberlieutenant of UW’s Department of Defense, announced an all-out offen“squirrels, sive against chipmunks, muskrats and other rodents on campus.” The UW troops will dress in combat greens (as opposed to the dress greens they currently wear) and will go about armed and dangerous. Invasion has already been arranged for some equipment to be brought in from the United States, as well as technical advisers to instruct the UW men on the use of these weapons. Invasion said he was not sure what was going to be sent, but he hoped “a small nuclear device” tactical would be included. For a picture, see page 3.
-9S KING WATER100 (Just Bridgeport
y
N 8864340 N
Of Rd)
GREAT
CANADIA
N
POETRY
WEEKEN AT MOUNTAll
ID
A Entertainment
BLUE
Close to campus - no covercharge
SIXTH
ANNUAL
l
June
12.13,14
Take part in this annual celebration of the world of Canadian letters. lrvlng Layton, P.K Page. Pat Lane, Raoul Duguay. Bob Kroetech Eli Mandel and many others wil be readIn< and conducting workshopa at Collngwood’r Cranberry Inn.
Country cooking at country prices pool tables, Shuffleboard, Juke Box Good country fun in the middle of the city Open Noon - 1 a.m. & Sunday Noon - 10 p.m. Lower Level of Smitty’s Pancake House & Tavern
New this invitation for inclusion For wrlte:
Monday, April 20 - 8:00 p.m. $8.00, $10.00, $12.00
year wil be a Poetry to all partlclpants in the Fwtlval
lnformatlon
on
details
to
of
Cabaret submit Anthology. the
and ar poem,
Weekenc
Great Canadian Poetry Weekend, P.O. Box 581, Colllngwood, Ontarl L9Y lE3 or phone [705] 445-3430.
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