Page 1


Camipus Events,~) -Friday,



U of W Ski Club presents fun and skiing at Blue Mountain and Georgian Peaks. $14.00 Members; $17.00 Non-Members. You had to sign up by 4:30 pm Wednesday for this trip. Legal Resource Offiie noon. 12:30 pm-4:30 pm.



Used Book Sale sponsored by J-W Canadian Federation of University’ Women, 12 noon-10 pm. Includes Auct ion 6 pm7 pm. Hilliard Hall, 1st United Church, King & William, Peers Counselling-a student to student, listening, referral and information service. So come in, relax, have a cup of coffee and set your soul free. 11 am-3 pm, CC 138.

Discussion Fellowship with Chaplain Rem Kooistra, HH 280. Supper 6 pm, T-8:30 pm. Ethical Issues for the Eighties.

The Birth Control Centre is open and we offer information on birth control, unplanned Gregnancy, counselling and a resource library. The Centre is open Monday-Thursday, 12-4 pm. CC 206, Ext. 2306. Legal Resource


am-2 pm.

Bombshelter is open 12 noon-l am. D.J. after 9 pm. Sandwich Bar new hours: 12 noon6 pm. Feds no cover, Others $1 after 9 pm.

Bombshelter is open 12 noon-l am. Sandwich Bar hours are 12 noon-6 pm. D.J. after 9 pm. Feds no cover, Others $1 after 9 pm.

Eckankar Introductory Talk. “Be good to yourself spiritually”. Everyone welcome. 7:30 pm. CC 135.

Friday Prayer (Salatul-Jummaa). 1:30-2:30 pm. CC 135. Arranged by Muslim Students’ Association.


International Vegetarian Cuisine, exotic recipes, live demonstrations, group participation. Come hungry. Limited to 15 students. Sponsored by the Vegetarian Club. For further info call 888-7321. 6 pm. Agora Tea House. A time for herbal teas, homebaked munchies and good conversation. All are welcome. Sponsored by Waterloo Christian Fellowship. 8-12 pm. CC 110.




Used Book Sale sponsored by K-W Canadian Federation of University Women. 9 am-noon. Includes Children’s Hour at 9 pm. Hilliard Hall, 1st United Church, King & William, Waterloo. Bombshelter opens 7 pm. D.J. after 9 pm. Feds no cover, Others $1 after 9 pm. Percy Pulsar-Space Accountant. Radio drama series on CKMS Episode no.4-Percy falls afoul of that long distance feeling. 10 pm. CKSM--FM 94.5.




Graduation Recital. Susan HamiltonMezzo Soprano and Diane Currie-Clarinetist. Everyone welcome. 1:15 pm. Conrad Grebel Chapel. Ecumenical Reformed Worship for entire University community. HH 280, lo:30 am. Refreshments available<




Have you ever wondered what actually happens to your food before it gets on the shelf? Take a Supermarket Tour to find out. Tours *are available daily. Contact Dianne, 886-7622, or WPIRG, 884-9020.






Bombshelter-see Birth






Conrad Grebel Evening Prayer.


College Chapel 4:45-5:15 pm.


The Vegetarian Club invites you to attend 5th of a 7-week series of cooking workshops. Experience satisfying vegetarian cooking by nose, tongue and tummy. Tasty curriculum, live demonstrations. Everyone is welcome. Admission is free. 6 pm. .Psych Lounge, 3rd floor. “Brotherhood is giving to others the rights and respect we want for ourselves”. Brotherhobd dinner sponsored by the Canadian Council of Christians and Jews, K-W Chapter. Tickets available c/o K-W Multicultural Centre, 22 Charles Street West, Kitchener N2G lH2 are $lO/persbn. 6:30 pm. Bingeman Park Lodge, Kitchener. Dr. Lendon Smith-Pediatrician and author of “Improving Your Child’s Behaviour Chem- ’ istry” and “Feed Your Kids Right” will speak. Tickets $5 in advance at Natural Food Market, Bridgeport Road, and Coles Bookstores, and on campus at the box office. 8:15 pm, Humanities Theatre. ’

-Wednesday, Supermarket




Legal Resource Office Hours: pm, 3:30-5:30 pm, 7-9 pm. Peers Counselling-see Birth




10 am-l:30


Cen$re-see Monday.




Legal Resource pm.







Monday. Hours-10







Music at noon will feature Alumni Recital Series Che Anne Loewen, piano. Concert will be held in the WLU Theatre Auditorium at 12 noon. Admission is free and everyone is welcome. Conrad Evening


Legal Resource Office Hours-10 12:30 pm, 1:30 pm-3:30 pm.

-Thursday, \ Supermarket

Peers Counselling-a student to student, listening, referral and information service. So come in, relax, have a cup of coffee and set your soul free. 11 am-3 pm. CC 138.


Gay Liberatio)l of Waterloo is sponsoring a coffeehouse with music, coffee and a chance to meet new friends. For more info call 884GLOW. 8:30-l 1:30 pm. CC 110.

Grebel prayer.

College Chapel 4:45-5:15 pm.


WLU will present five films on astronomy and associated subjects at 7 pm in the Arts Bldg, Room 1El. This series is sponsored by the WLU physics department with host Prof. Raymond Koenig, a WLU astronomer. Tonight’s films, many produced by NASA, are Three Degrees, Universe, Powers of 10, and two silent movies, Colour TV Film of the Auroras and The Sun Ip Action. Admission free. Solar Energy Society general meeting. Guest speaker Allen Schulh. Topic: Heat Pumps. All welcome. 7:30 pm. Adult Recreation Centre, King & Allen, Waterloo. Percy Pulsar-Space Accountant. Radio drama series on CKMS. Episode no.5. Percy plays ping pong to preserve posterity. 10 pm. CKMS-FM 94.5.

-Friday, Supermarket

April Tours-see

Legal Resource 12:30-4:30 pm.



Peers Counselling-see Bombshelter-see Friday

lo-12 noon,




International last Friday.



last Friday.



Evening Concert will feature Ein Deutsches Requiem, Op. 45’by Brahms, WLU Choir, Victor Martens, conductor and WLU Orchestra, Michael Purves-Smith, director. Concert will be held at the Centre in the Square. 8 pm. Admission reserved $6/$5/$4, S/S Rush $3/$2.50. Agora

Tea House-see

last Friday.



April 3, 1981, Volume

3, Number

34 University

of Waterloo,



‘Spring airs leave high page 17

60 pages of smut and pornography Page


t _ _._._ Friday,


3, 1981


2 .


.Mac Students w Re-occupy I Admin Offices


HAMILTON (CUP) - One hundred protesting McMaster sociology students pushed their way past security guards and occupied the offices of the academic vice-president March 24. The students are trying to regain representation on the sodiology planning department’s committee, guaranteed them in the department’s constitution but recently withdrawn. Only a week before the latest protest, 11 other students had occupied the _ sixth floor of the university’s -arts building but were forced out when over twenty police officers smashed the barricades and threatened everyone I with arrest. The administration’s move to call in the police was condemned by all sectors of the university. Nine sociology professors said they deplored “the use of physical, force to suppress student requests for voting rights on the department committee.” Even the usually conservative engineering students have added their voice- of support to the protesting students. “Thirty cops to throw out 11 sociology students seems a bit rude to me. We were forced to sit up and take notice,” said Steve Boweditor of the enyer, gineering students’ newspaper in an interview with the Globe and Mail. Students have vdwed to continue the occupation “indefinitely” until they receive an “acceptable response” from the majority of the sociology faculty on the matter of student representation.

Poverty and destitution no fun WINNIPEG (CUP) -Claiming poverty and destitution, a group of Manitoba students gathered in front of a downtown Winnipeg department store March 26, to show their dissatisfaction .with the student aid program by begging money from passers-by. Demonstration organizer Debbie Jansen, a student at the University of Winnipeg, said the demonstration is an attempt to publicize what she describes as the “second-class status of students relying on student aid.” who is on Jansen, student aid, said the student aid: program in Manitoba did not provide students with enough money to live on, and added insult to injury by conducting “spot audits to discover how anyone could possibly live on what little money they are given.”

Campus Recreation: A new direction The Intramural Department, for the past two months, has been in the ,midst of a search for a new design and name change. -The terni “Intramural” originally meant an internal program of competitive physical activities, but the department wanted a change to better reflect their present program and future endeavours. The logo contest was an effort to

Protest rally last week in front of the administration students participated in the rally to protest the Iack department and students.

building of action

(Gilmdur Hall) at McMaster. Three hundred over mediation steps between the Sociology photo by Lorna Fast of the Silhouette.

pumping in clean air. Dare obtain a new term and logo stands for. . . well do I what I thought was a have to say anything more. said the cloth turned black danger to my health.” design from a student at UW, and was held from not long after. February 2nd until March Professors in the department interviewed said the 2nd. Judging by the number of fumes induce nausea, difentrv submissions ficulty in breathing, con&t was - successful; wheezing, and even faintPromoting a “spirit of forty design and nine ing spells. justice, friendship and coslogan/name change subWINNIPEG (CUP) -Staff and Don Craw, safety officer operation among citizens missions illustrated the students in the art school for the university, said of different races, religions amount of enthusiasm and at the University of there was a problem in and nationalities”, is the spirit the students and Manitoba are slowly being some areas of the art purpose behind the annual faculty of the University _ poisoned due to fiscal building. Btit he said that Brotherhood Dinner, sponhave. restraints, a professor in there would always be a sored by the Canadian “Campus Recreation”, the school charges. Procertain amount of pol-’ Council of Christians and submitted by Pullan Hanlution in the art building L Jews, fessor E.D. Dore said that to be held at son and Paul Heaslip, was air. “If you don’t realize faulty ventilation of Bingeman Park Lodge on selected by the Intramural poisonous fumes and dust that, then perhaps you Tuesday, April 7th. council executives as the don’t belong in that in the building has not Speaker for the event new term to reflect the department,” he said. been repaired because include Reverend Pat Intramural offerings. “they don’t want to spend Craw also said repair of Smyth, a member of the The design was subthe building’s ventilation Spiritan Fathers, who has mitted by, Paul Whelan, a money.” system occured a few Dore also said that the had many years experience first year architect. It improper ventilation sysyears ago, and because of in the Third World as a incorporates the indivifiscal restraint “a lot of missionary priest, pardual participant as well as tem poses “an unmitigated things that should have health hazard.‘, ticularly in Africa; Alan group participation. been done were not.” Instea$ of being vented 7 1 Rose from Montreal,/ the According to Sharlene into the outside When the university’s - widely-travelled air, ExecuMurray of the Intramural, maintenance operations and mainpersonnel tive Director of the Department, the “outsai$, most of the fumes tenance department was Canadian Jewish Constretched arms represent from chemicals used in informed of the problem, gress; and Dr Bob Rumball, the participants who are photography, the school was told money director of .the Ontario always striving to meet . -print-making, for repairs would have to and silkscreening, and Community Centre and his/her recreational needs” dust from ceramics, are come out of the school’s Executive Director of the and who are having a satisown. budget. This is why vented into the internal air mission for the deaf, fying experience. “The the repairs have not been circulation system. Dore United Church of Canada. Waterloo “W” is also incorsaid the vents that are done, Dore said. The funds The Good Servant porated into the design,” should come from the unis- Medal, supposed to remove the the prestigious she notes. versity’s operating budget award of the Canadian This new design will be fumes have become completelly clogged. instead, he added. CounciI of Christians and used as the new symbol for Professor Marylin Baker He ‘said that as an Jews, will be presented by Intramurals. It will be experiment he had placed a said she moved her office Dr Victor Goldbloom, found on letterheads, tcloth over the inlet which from the building two -National President of the shirts, buttons etc. so if was years ago “as a result of Council, supposed to be to a local citizen, anyone asks you what this

Budget r’estraints the affect health of art students


Ecumenical Brotherhood Dinner






be a danger

to unwatched

children, says student Photo by Peter Saracino

Arts library “a’ danger?” Cathy Powers, -a partthe banister and fell. It was a time student at UW, gibes a drop of about ten to twelve first-person account of her feet - onto concrete. It took experience with the potenabout two seconds to happen. tial dangers of the Arts Because mothers need to Ii brary. have a certain amount of Dana Porter Library is medical knowledge just to be an impressive building by I mothers, it was evident to me anybody’s standards. Lookthat something was very ing at it, it is hard to imagine wrong just by observing that it could prove to be, just Nathan’s behavior. He was by its design, a potential drowsy and lethargic. He did health hazard. However, not want to speak, and did not two weeks ago, it was. react to any stimulations. It My son Nathan will be was confirmed, about a half two years old in June. an hour later at K-W Hospital Typically for his age, he is that Nathan had a concussion. what is commonly known By this time he was as a “going concern”. On vomitting and only wanted to March 14, Nathan, our sleep in a fetal position. Xdaughter, Shauna, my husrays were to follow along band, Frank and myself along with blood and urine tests, He with some friends from was admitted soon after to the Toronto were touring the Intensive care unit under the campus. We thought the observation of a neurologist. library would be a good place We left the hospital at six to start. thirty. It had been three hours However, while we were since the fall. We all feared the &tside admiring the Gchitec-. brain damage. worst ture Nathan crawled under However, later that night

Fiat hx! There will be more light in Waterloo Park, according to Federation President Wim Simonis. response to an In increase of violence in the park, Simonis has developed a proposal to light the pathway from the footbridge at Waterloo Arena to Seagram Drive, and copies have been submitted to City Alderman and the Budget Review Committee. The Budget Review Committee passed the proposal, budgeting $15,000 to install the lighting. At a Council meeting last Monday, Waterloo City Council also approved the plan. Simonis sent Countiil two plans for lighting the pathway. The first suggested a string of lights along the entire path. The second, and more economically feasible, suggested using present power sources to extend the coverage of existing lights. As it stands now, there is one light at each end of the footbridge and one at the barn between the main The animal enclosures. proposal suggests doubling

3, 1981





holds debate-

slams Nestle

“Nestle dsesn’t go in and kil! babies” -David Carnegie, Nestle Representative The boycott of Nestle products is one of the best-known recent consumer actions. The controversy surrounds allegations that the Swiss-based multinational is marketing infant formula in Third world countries in an unethical manner and also Contrary to agreements with international health officials. Cheif among the boycott organizers is a group called INFACT. Last Monday night at WiIfrid Laurier University INFACTand Nestle representatives squared off in a debate organized by five Sociology students. Arts library architecture Cathy Powers



the lights at the bridge to increase their range. A line would connect these to a light at the corner of the animal enclosures. The barn light would be doubled and moved closer to the path. The final part of the path would be lit by a string of lights already considered for the road through the park, the parking lot lights, and the lights on Seagram Drive. In a subsequent interSimonis stated view, Wednesday that council had confirmed a lighting plan with him by telephone. Council had advised him, he said, that the placement of lights will largely conform to his second proposal with. the exception of the ‘double lights, since the type :o be installed are at least as powerful as two of those now in use. Simonis stated that he already has confirmation that the City will look into lighting the path from Seagram Drive to Westmount next year. (See maps with article.) Cathy McBride

when I phoned the hospital, the nurse said that he had begun to react again. He was drinking apple juice from a bottle. Not much, but it was a beginning. After two very lonely days in hospital, Nathan came home. He was back to his cheerful, curious self again, and although the physical danger is over, however, there are many fears remaining. I never go into the Dana Porter without looking Library down into the moat. An interesting design, yes, but the scene of a near tragedy for our family. Will some other family not be so fortunate? The question remains along with the fact that the library is a potential, danger. Cathy Powers .

David Hallman of INFACT, starting off the debate, stated that crucial to the success of Nestle marketing in developing countries is the idea put across in advertising, that using formula is “the modern way to feed your infant.” He added that there is “the great appeal of the Western lifestyle. Added to the desire to do the best by their infant, the formula sells.” Hallman said the water used to make the formula is contaminated, and there are inadequate storage and refrigeration facilities. As well, he said, people can’t usually afford enough formula, so they dilute it; due to this dilution it no longer provides enough nourishment. “In safe situations it (infant formula) is nearly OK; under unsafe conditions it amount s to a death sentence”, he maintained. said that Nestle had Hallman repeatedly violated agreements to promote breast feeding over formula feeding, and that a boycott of Nestle products was the only way to force the company to act responsibly. Nestle representative David Carnegie responded, stating that reports of violations of agreements not to advertise the formula are inaccurate and the few times when accusations of wrong

advertising have been correct, the situation was’ rectified at once. Carnegie said that Nestle continues to receive requests from “I’hird World governments to manufacture and market infant formula in those countries. He said that individual operators. in national operations have considerable autonomy from the parent company and sometimes violate international guidelines in advertising which are stopped as soon as the parent company is aware of the problem. emphasized that Nestle Carnegie always says on the product that breast milk is best for infants but that the formula is intended for the small number of cases where breast feeding is impossible. Following these two speeches, most of the questions from the audience were directed to the Nestle representative. Carnegie defended his company’s marketing policies by saying that most Nestle sales of formula iti the Third World are in built-up areas, “where living conditions are much like those in the West” and where the water is fairly pure. He also said that the people using infant formula are “better educated” and know how to use it correctly. When asked about the cost of the formula to the average user, Carnegie said it was difficult to say as it depended on so many factors, but “among those using it it’s affordable.” The audience of 130 however, appeared vocally critical of his statements, and voiced support for questioners who attacked his statements. A slightly supportive note was added by the INFACT representative who said that even if Nestle stopped all promotion immediately, the rate of consumption of infant formula would still increase for a long time because of the long-lasting effect of advertising and its residual effect. The debate ended after two hours with no resolution being reached. Carl Friesen

WCP: tighter plumbing A “retrofit” service, designed to save water in up to 4,500 homes in the Freeport area, is being offered by a University of Waterloo based group known as the Waterloo Conservation Program (WCP). The program has be& organized by Prof. James Robinson of UW’s department of man-environment studies, and is funded by $135,000 from federal government and Waterloo regional g_overnment grants. A variety of water conserving devices are involved in the retrofit service. For toilets, these will include the Aquasaver, a commercially available device, and the water displacement bottle. The program will also install plastic devices into shQwer heads permitting people to shower effectively using much less water. The devices will be installed free of charge, for Freeport area residents, by Conservation Waterloo Program Staff members. The installers will be trained so that as an added benefit to householders they ,will recognize and diagnose problems with

toilet or shower fixtures. AcTording to WCP, installation of these devices in the Freeport homes could result in up to 15 per cent savings per year in residential water use. This could mean monthly savings of up to 25 per cent on water bills, and up to 12 per cent on water heating bills, or more than fifteen dollars per year. In addition, it will considerably reduce the load on the municipal sewage system and its pumping facilities. There is cost to the home:kner for this retrofit service, and participation is voluntary. Kitchener’s mayor Morley Rosenberg, and Alderwoman Judy Balmer are encouraging participation in the free program since, as Mayor Rosenberg says: “We’re all for preserving water, avoiding the cost of a dam or pipeline, and decreasing both water and water heating bills at the same time.” A related project of the WCP will see water saving devices installed at cost in all rental and condominium units in Cambridge Kitchener and Waterloo: Program staff members estimate the owner of an apartment building could’ recover the cost of

equipping every little as two months. I

unit in as or three

Because the water used in the Region, from groundwater wells, is a limited resource, WCP’s broad objective is to reduce the consumption of water throughout the entire Regional Municipality of Waterloo. As the population has, grown demands have increased and the adequacy of the water supply has begun to be a matter of concern . .. there is only so much in the ground to take out. If the Region r.equires substantial additional supplies of water the alternatives are very costly. They would include: (1) building a dam . . . possibly at West Montrose to create a very large reservoir, or (2) running a pipeline from Lake Erie or Lake Huron. On the other hand, if water consumption can be cut, these expensive projects could be postponed for quite a few years. Conservation by homeowners, coupled with recent declines in population growth rates, will result in substantial monetary savings for both the homeowner and the Re-

Municipality of gional Waterloo. If the free retrofit service in Freeport and the rental unit and condolminium retrofitting are successful, additional funding may be available to extend the program to other parts of the Region and across Canada. Ben Benninger, WCP staff member, is involved in a number of other programs designed to foster water conservation. These include: encouraging builders to install water saving fixtures on all new homes (through a $75 Regional rebate arrangement); improving leak detection in municipal water systems; adjusting rate structures that foster conservation and distributing a newsletter on conservation with monthly water bills. The WCP wants to encourage people to save water in all kinds of ways: making bath fixtures more efficient by installing conservation devices; informing the public about conservation habits; implementing programs to provide incentives to conserve water . . . all are important in ensuring the community’s water supply for the future. It will also save money.



.C, ‘1‘ II_



:“ ~$ili is thEi &nt newspap& a$ t@ uaiveraity of&&& A1&i is an auw -tindent nerwspaper pu&ha ljsJ ;,.imp-t ~Pu~li&tioti W@rlOo, a corporation ,tiout share. : CgmJa, uni versity of Watqrloo, Waterloo, Ontario. Phone 66& l86Q or extension 2331 or ‘2332. Itiprint is a member of the ‘I O&&@&n U&ersi%y Pr8%;(CUP), a stud& press organization* ,’ df 63 papers aCross. m. ‘Imprint is a@o & membe+ of the : Ontarib Weekly Newspaper &so&a&ion (OWNA). Imprint -publisheseveryFridayduring~eterm.M~shouldbe~ssed to “Imprint, Campti Centre Room 140.” We are typeset on campu&with a Cbmp/Set 510, paste-up is likewise done on &pus. Imprint: ISSN 0706-7360. /

I .

News Editors gports Editop. ArtsEditors Photography Prose GpPoetry

_. round of &pplausefor Mngniaster (keeper of the x!ing), JohrMdBast, clap&@olapolap..X,eter Sarao& and hlk~Pe@ss m Flea Circus, Virginia Butler, Tammy Home, and Julie Lynn -Joyce,. ’ klapklapklap..,(Ira, you sonofag’uc&wpere q you???) ...andthe world renouned nife thrower, John McMullen, and lils target, Glenn St. Germain (from the pl&t Qu&l~de)~ cli~clipclQclip...the tooti@ome Mike Ferrabfte and‘hls Xk&&Aan Revu6~-kncMing Pat Sh.@q and - Carl Frie@q$ qf course, that recently &solved -- brown bag band, Stuey, Laurie, and The News, wit@ their backups, Cathy Powers and Cathy McBride, as well as their frontdowns, Angela -Brandon, Tony Watirman, and Charles Tysoe, clupclupclupclup..! spmialthanks to our RdYBcome@ troupe, Booker Tee and Danner ,Ayad and Daver Berman gd Paul Zemokhol and C+rol Rudy, . (deduhduB d@hd+dudumb) &nipcanapeknipcanap6knipcanape... rend we couldn’t d.6it without our stereoQpesetter6, Nan C.,J. D., and Karen, taptaptaptap...and we featured sn extraapecial appearance by ,$nya Lehn and her f&nous c@umn of backward-walking bun&es, entitled “Fortrait of a Receding Ha&Une,“. flapflapflapflap...Guests of Fe Imprint sleep on the couch in t+e Grand Imperial Bird Lounge andare servedLeeM~cM~~mseriTerymornOur~sthostsfor the comb@ year’s show will w Pietro Sarac?hino, ScOtt’Murra$;JW BE&, sylvia,, Mr. DOSS-Up. Tim Perlich


I~ ala

DuqQett8, Stu Doll= Paul Zemohkol ’ ’ Da,&yad,&naLehn Peter ,Sa;ra,ctio, Alan Angold Brandon, l$.ichael Ferrabee

2nd Cla& Postage Registration Pen’ Imprint reserves the right to screen, edit, and&use advertising.

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benefitting from the educar tion of in&viduals should

- Yet more


- :



ap_plaCse for Bette

. The Editor: : . In;- regards to the article “Tuition: student exonerates _ :‘Bette’, which appeared in the cM@rch 27 issue of Imprint, I .:,wish td express my support 1 ‘3% the stand taken by Jim Le’ask. By comparing vari‘usables relevant to the sittiation, Mr. Leask has ‘. &it forward a view that iS ’ n$t’ easily refuted. Although ( his findings relate to Fagineering students in I : particular, I feel his claiin &tit .“it is easier for a+%tudent to con& to university today &m it was in the past” still ‘merits &ention. ‘-1 would like only to f&ther this point in order to keep. the &ue.of increased. t&ion

i I ; II


in perspective,



A r

pay for the educational our technological revolution system. She points to the -either. Today’s man is too engineering and computer inse’cure to trust his science faculties as not neighbour let alone a billion other people. Witness today’s providing an education but a “training. for these arms race; (no one wants it industries”. but it’s there), Ms. Thompagainst If these industries, or son’s own out-crys large multinat~ional corpor- any industry for that ations (which might -some matter, were to be the sole supporters of education I day form a world gbvernment), and the lock on your think it safe to say that door. * We must m&e humanity and fine art studies would be deleted forward. W-e have no . . 1 . . along with many other cno1ce. “non&productive” courses. , It is the humanities and the arts which should study .Or alternatively, full where we’ve beeri, where payment would be demanded we are, and most imdortant, ‘ from those indulging? in these 1 where we’re going. studies. Industry will only support those courses which It is the participation in. are “productive”. #. . The arts , the1.1 arts --.-and humanities Pi ,wnicn se?e no use*ul purpose consciencecreares a sense or+ morals ’ and I viewed from an industrial . right an;l wrong. An vantye* individual who undertakes ERsulehii ad computer these studies has nothing to zTers wgsld be expanded, offer society except his . Thompson’s system of &nd.i&, both ;in infortied views and o@&& and a self+nowledge that curriculum and in quality hopef&ly these courses since they are useful and invoke. . mU$ net&d b today’s In today’s society, of society*

foltowing letter was written by-a student td his father% the thirteenth ceI’lfury: I . T&s ‘is to inform you tha$ I am studying’ at ” Oxford with the greatest : diligence but the matter of 1 ~~engineer~gstudent ;‘rk;:qney stands greatly in and resent my education the way of my promotion, ,b&g called a “training” for -‘-as it is now two months ‘since 1 spent ’ the last of the big coypomtions; which somehow is meant to conjure what you sent ee. The city. up a picture. of something bad. is, expensive and makes My; education will benefit many demands; I society,-: not just my km,? lodgings, buy necessities employers. Most likely my srid provide for many other empfoyers will be owned by ’ things (A fuller explanation hefe would have been &Ock holders* Stock ho1ders i&mina ting] . Wherefore I are those peole who risk a bit of their personal we&h in retipectfully beg your paterorder to increase their wealth. ‘$y that by the promptings They increase the& wealth by $:ditiine pity you may assist providing a service to other bie; so that I can complete members of society. (%/hich *who? I have well beg&. society?,, may be . asked. ?&e situation is a Glob+?) Therefore any --f&liar one, the major employee of such a firm ex,ception,today being that provides a service to society. . itudents receive some But stock holders come from assistance from the-govern+ociety and following through hn@nt to help their money the argument, the means of problems. No one told me it prbduction are owned by ,v@$, easy to get through society. Has ’ capitalism ti.&$r$ity; but ‘by putting turned to socialism? 4$&&~effort. into it, gding to Anyway, back to the topic. $$$&$ isn’t h&rder than it An engineering job exists only q.~~in the past. In view of when it is fulfilltig sotie ,this, _,I .feel that I students physical need. If $.l one’s should count their blessings physical needs are satisfied , r&her than isolate tuition’: then there is no need for an ,increases wifhodt taking engineer. m’ore consideration‘ of other 1 My education will result in ,factors. physical products .which, if :. ’ . Doug Alder_man ’. I’m’ succe&ful, will provide a L Economics Co-oy .service tD society. In this way I further man’s quest for .’ Future’of whatever it is he is looking for. I provide the -tools. :‘_ technology Perhaps technology ha<.gdne ‘--’ . in questioti * too fw new forms of life via gene splicing, H-bomb& %he Editor: ~ ’ GGcti&ity,‘. plenty of food, In ‘the article ‘;&&’ Hike med&al tpatmept which. Sfrike born again” appear: .prolongs life and iq some ing in‘the March 27th issue *‘weaker” perof Itiprint Ms., Tho@pso& q’ . &$+a-:allows and ,suggests’. . ths_ large ;.U l :.-sons :to live, prosper titilfiply. Who knows? Not ‘cei‘porations, IBM, n&eari -power ’ indust rie;s, * * & ‘( ’ y&i.: not I. . _ \: I

One thim is certain. We can’t go back./We can’t stop




. hlSblllt


arid,death, perhaps it is these _ . skills which a~ more 3mportant than the skills of technological ad\iancement . Under Ms. Thompson’s suggestion the chance tp take part& a formal, unbiased (?) oneself and , studs’ of mankind would disappear. Surely -this not what wanis It,s notis what I wantshe


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who did so m&h more than find ads for us? T&is has been Imprint’s second yearas the UW student newspaper; af.ter a somewhat ’ (D.ammit, that pumpkin should have turne.d out, but the‘protest cover made up for it), and long and painful adolescence, we’ve seen the Jacob Arseneault {who maintained the first glimmerings of maturity; appearance of the paper and did far more The list of contributors is long: all have troubleshooting than I’m sure an,y of us helped to create a dependable and consistant realize. an_d have been instrumental in paper And fans? Groupies? Mentors? Who could we!& in ing a growing number bf har‘dh&e wtirked harder than the Imprint ghost working, creative staff. Anna Lehn and Dan.Ayad h”ave worked ,and former ORCUP pres. Ira Nayman, or odder, mofe productive hours than founding endless hours’ on the arts section, : giving father -and production-manager-to-be John encouragement .to several fine classical W Bast? w,e owe them a lot for Volume III, reviewers [a ne&achieirment for the paper) and seekipg to expand-the goodwork in rock / and expect more great things ahead in V IV. and entertainment started in the summer by Graphicists Tim Perlich, and Curtis, kept us smiling, Fraser Simpson kept us puzzled Celi& and the ever,astute M Drew Cook. and Misprint Editor Mike Ferrabee,-and. 60 Laurie Duc&tte and-&u Dollar gave much of their time’ and talent [they were so .. . Pages publisher John McMullen coaxed US to ch&tle when we werB at our grumpiest. organized 1 to ensure that & &uch of thecampus new as possible found its way ‘onto’ Milestones? The first Imprint General our pgges. They ,also began what: I hope tvill Meeting marked out initial year as a be a growing part of -the IFprint-’ news cqr$oration. Our new paper tape machine, installed in the summer, helped speed up the department by. encouraging iirvestigative I -production journalism. ’ of the paper, and Imprint Typesetting is firmly establishsd. Thitigs Paul Zemokhol, with ample support from I Tamtiy Home, D,aye BeTman and Virgjnia * look good for the future. . And staff democracy is alive and well at Butler, did many all-n’&ht burn-outs r for the \ Imprint. We may ‘not have always agreed on sports, section. j ‘:T:’ everythitig this year, “but staff input in the With help from Animal,. Pet‘er Saradino (who will I’m sur,e, as next-year’s editor,lead form of debate,.suggestions, advice and hard the paper on to bigger and better thin&i has work have, I believe, ,helped expand_the overseen some pretty flashy photographers, outlook and creativity of/the paper. s I hope we h:d fun top, and kept the front pages coming, Sometimes again&t incredable odds. To all of the regular staff, occasional Sylvia, of course, has betin Mum to’us all; contributors, letter writers, a$d. studentwe’d never find things without her expert readers who have made this year dizzying memory, or like things si, much without her anderijoyabie, I say thank you, andgo?d luck ‘_’ . in the year to come. . cheery smile. And what can one say about Liz Wood, Marg Sandeison .


, We

I ofien ask myself, and yo; may ask Fe, “Why am I studying engineering when I hold the arts ishigh regard?” ,It is because I hope to be in_a position within industry that will allow me to have some . input concerning the application of technology. Consider the T.V. as an ’ . ’ example. Look at the trash it spews forth to millions. Surely this piece of ’ 1% hove one w( tedhnology can be used in a better wag. What’s better, though? Whose definition?‘ ! Now consider the future; a She $stated that engineerworld of working robots, ing and computer sdience computers and engineers. coop&atitie education was What will people do? primarily for the benefit of Michael Miethig these institutions. 3A Electrical Enginegring My ‘recent workterm . jobs have been with a i, small firm (about 20 Post-secondary people), and ctirtitiny I am education: not the only student employed ‘by similar small who benefits? businesses. I am confident The Editor: that these small industries In response to the article ’ .benefit more from students “Fee Hike Strike born like myself; than do large 1 again” appearing in March Icorporations. 27, 1981 Imprint, I ‘was in addition, do ‘these puzzled .by the narrowlarge industries not pay’ minded thinking of Maggie proportionately larher. sums Thompson, in pa?ticular * of money to the government her stand on funding. of in forms of taxes, etc. than ed%cation by large industdo. smaller companies? And \ ries. ’ does the government not .










Twl Pmcrl

the dressing, baby! I

fund i large portion of our education? It is in this gense that the corpor@&s, that Thompson descries, pay at Ieast part of their share. As well, large industries support students many directly through bursar&s, grants and research funding, But such organizations -tie not alone in showing their appreciation for &tide&s who wish to further develop ideas in their related ‘fields, through continuirig education; as tiy employer also partially assits‘ my educat’ional expenses, in the hope that my @creased knowledge through le& fi benefit the company. Although,1 am-fortunate) to have such a concerned.

employer, I feel that my, educational costs, whether paid totally by myself, or not, represent a real bargain as an investment towards my future. Even if I had to pay higher tuition fees (& difficult G they are to suppbrtj, this would no _turn me away1 :;;:alatten !Y ing- an educainstitution ’ that would tetich m’e how to benefit both myself and society: in the future. If money is the only concern for an individual continuidg his or her edtication, ’ that person iis notl3e~efitiing from or educational system and dmdd not be p&t of it =VWaY* Miicb Pidwerbecki 3B Computer Science

. - ,

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Graduate Club Important Notice

in MaEk gives third Pascal Lecture talk “critique9

On March 2nd and 3rd Dr. Charles Habib Malik addressed audiences of over 200 with a talk entitled “A Christian Critique of the University”, as part of the annual Pascal Lectures on Christianity and the University. The lectures were held at UW for the third time since their inception in October of 1978. An internationally reknowned scholar, Dr. Malik of Lebanon holds three doctoral degrees. He served for three has Chairman sessions as of the U.N. Security and one as Council President of the U.N. General Assembly. Malik stated that his intention was to examine thestate ofthemindandthe spirit of the contemporary university, from a Christian point of view. The question, he told his -listeners, is “What does Jesus Christ Himself think of the Western university,” and proceeded to analyze the state of the sciences in the modern university. According to Malik, virtually every Western university was founded on, and dedicated to Jesus Christ. He cited Freiburg University in Germany and Harvard in the US at both of which he earned doctorates. He said that the motto of Freiburg University is “Die Wahrheit wird euch frei machen,” or “The truth shall make you free,” a statement attributed to Jesus Christ and recorded in the Gospel of John. recent times the In universities have swerved from their original dedication so that now “there is no Christ Himself, but only opinions of Christ remain.” He believes that with this swerving or “progress” away from Christ, there has been a waning of the curiosity which original led- to the formation of universities. Progress, said Malik, is a trend towards “replacing Christ, to satisfy without Him, to crowd Him out of existence.” The Gospel is “revolutionary” and “unbelievable.” Christ “dispeople” by His turbs existence, said Malik.

“...we -tire struck by the power of the human mind”


Analyzing the sciences with respect to these statements, Malik said that there has been a “tragic distortion” due to the success of science. We are “struck by the power of the human mind,” he said. There is an “infatuation with the scientific method” to the extent that many scientists and others “ignore everything to which it does not apply” even though “it has nothing to do with the most

important things . . . the weightier matters of God and life.” This “pride of power and knowledge” has resulted in scientific truth being removed from its correct place in the scheme of things and being made primary. “If Jesus Christ is, as He said He is, ‘the way, the truth, and the life,’ then all truth is within His province,” said Malik. Nevertheless Malik believes that many scientists “radiate atheistic naturalism” and cling to the idea of monism, which holds that the universe is selfcreated and that “life somehow evolved from pre-existent matter.” “The really believing scientist who does not consider as nonsense the fundamental tenets of Christianity, is rare,” he stated.

The scientist...cannot be saved from his failings by science. Because of this, “scientific naturalism is deeply entrenched in the universities, making them disseminators of atheism,” said Malik, who believes this to be particularly significant since universities are the major influence in the cause of western civilization insofar as they produce the leaders for all areas of society. The distorted modernday vision of scientific knowledge is an evil thing, he says, which leads to a “self-forgetting” on the part of the scientist who feels that his life’s work is; more important than his humanity. The scientist shares human traits with all other people and he cannot be saved from his failings by science. This situation is of great concern to Christ, “who hates evil, but loves the scientist,” who has “overcome evil” and will judge the scientist as a person, not “on the accident of his scientific accomplishment,” says Malik. Malik concluded his first address by noting that the claims of Christ to preeminence in the universe and in the lives of men, “challenge man’s selfsufficiency.” Man ought to remember that he is mortal and fallible, and respond accordingly, he said, and finished by reading. a series of passages from the Bible, beginning “0 man, who do you think you are?” The following evening Dr. Malik delivered an equally penetrating analysis of “the spirit of the humanities in the university today,” again from the perspective of his own Biblical Christianity. Malik stated that there is a pre-occupation with making the teachings of Christianity (for example

St. Paul) relevant to the world, and to modern conform to secular expectations, rather than honouring their original intent. “Thev judge lesus and in so doing are judged by Him,” said Malik.

“The cynic dismisses everything and enjoys nothing” He then went on to describe many of the presuppositions which he feels are part of the attitude of the humanities. These include, he said, the worship of man and nature; a skepticism in which there are no absolutes, nothing is certain, everything is hedged and all statements are qualified so that the end result is nothing; cynicism (“the cynic dismisses everything and enjoys nothing”); relativism which holds that nothing is good in itself except that which serves a momentary purpose or situation, and morality is private or situational. The cumulative effect of these and other principles (of which he mentioned 23) is atheism, according to Dr. Malik. In this type of environment there is no

reinforcement from the university for a student or professor who is a Christian. “There is a struggle for survival of faith which is harsh and discouraging, and from which few survive unscathed,” he said, adding that those who do survive are “the spiritual heroes of our time.” Malike stated that “Jesus loves the searching, the straying and the lost and will enter everywhere, including the offices and classrooms of the humanities” . . , Man, he said, must “take the initiative of making some type of response.” Malik cautioned those in the sciences and the humanities who feel that they have the answers, to examine themselves and see if any one of the 24 “misfortunes” which he read from the Book of Romans, had befallen them because of their attitude. The audience was attentive and , responded warmly to Dr. Maiik who made many humorous asides during his talks. There was also an opportunity for the audience to ask questions. Charles

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Series “a forum” The Pascal lectures are organized by a committee of university faculty and staff, chaired by Dr. John North of the English Department. The inaugural lectures entitled .“The End of Christendom, but not of Christ,” were delivered Malcolm by Muggeridge in 1978. The following year Donald MacKay of England spoke on “Science and the Quest for Meaning.” Dr. North, a specialist in Victorian and Childrens’ literature, said. that the lectures grew from monthly meetings of faculty, staff and students several years ago. It seemed appropriate, said North, to provide a forum at the University of Waterloo for consideration of the ways of Christ. The reason for this, he explained, is that many of the West’s greatest intellects such as mathematician Blaise Pascal, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, T.S. Eliot, and Geoffrey “have defined Chaucer, their existence in relation to Christ.” Further he said, “our leading educators and politicans have often been Christians who established principles of society on the basis of Christ and his ways.. . and it is historical that Western civilization is built upon th.e ways and life of Christ as Creator and Sustainer of the ’ world.” believes that North “there is an intellectual

obligation on the part of all i of us to be aware of our own roots, if only to know what we are rejecting . . . For those of us who are Christians there is an obligation to have an intellectual grasp of our faith, and to say clearly where we stand, for the sake of our own emotional, intellectual and spiritual well-being.” The Pascal Lectures have attempted to present the ways of Christ without arrogance and presumption, says North, noting that “an appropriate Christian stance in every I, situation is one ‘of repentance and humility, which is not in conflict with the need for boldness, strength, and joy.” North also said that the lectures are funded entirely privately, with no university assistance. This year sponsorship was provided by the A.R. Kaufman Charitab1.e Foundation. North is in the process of preparing the text of Dr. Malik’s lectures for publication, a task he also performed for the previous speakers. Malcolm Muggeridge’s inaugural lectures are available at the University book store. The student body has been represented on the Pascal.Lecture Committee for the past two years by Chris Vannin of Notre Dame College.

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UW Protests Irene O’Dell War At 6:30 this morning, a state of martial law was declared in the tiny Idiotoci-acy of Irene O’Dell. This follows the domestic squabbling and random acts of mindless violence which have taken place since the election of Sven S. A. Luckeenumber as President nearly four months ago. Within minutes of the proclamation, all fifteen members of the Irene O’Dell combined Police Force, Military and 4-H Club, armed with American M-l 6 Assault Pea-shooters, were combing the cities and brushing with death in search of rebels. Irene O’Dell is an island in the Atlantic Ocean. It sells scripts for television sitcoms to both Hollywood and the CBC. In return, Canada and the US supply the islandstate with data-processing units and computer programs. UW is one of the major producers of such programs. On Friday, a protest was held outside. the Administration building. Protestors shouted slogans and waved banners proclaiming “Free the Idiot State” and “StopUW Interference in a Stupid War” in an attempt to stop UW from supplying Irene O’Dell. Poul Mann-Carr, leaderof the protest, explains: “If UW did not export programs and Co-op English students to

run them, the raw humour that Irene O’Dell produces could not be refined and would, therefore, not be shipped backto usto be used ‘on Flappers.” Flappers is a CBC comedy series about a pet dolphin in the Roaring Twenties. “Thus, UW is responsible for propping uptheregime in IreneO’Dell, aswell assome of the worst television programming in decades. Any first year political science student can see that.” When questioned, MannCarr, a first year political science student, had to admit that he couldn’t “remember whether I’m for or against them.” He declined to say just who “them” was, but ended the interview by saying “Freedom to choose; freedom to be stupid!” UW President Burp Batspew laughed off the accusation, vague as it was. “That’s a vague accusation of naughtiness. To trade technology and expertise with a country,” he stated, “any country, is not to condone their politics. Look at El Salvador. Look at Korea. Look at Alberta. We do not make value judgements.” Batspew then cut off the interview, saying, “I’d Iiketo talk some more about it, but I have to go and receive an honourary sterling M-l 6 Assault Pea-shooter.” President-Appoint Duh Grite said, “Well, geez, I

don’t see that there’s any problem. If any of these Coop English students get knocked off, we still have theirfees. Don’twe?Andthe Irene O’Dell government pays us in sterling silver replicas of American M-16 Assault Pea-shooters. Man, do those things ever shoot a seed -, kapweeng! Just a mile, you know, and they’ll take an over-ripe fruit like it was a human sentry.” Norman D. Invasion, Chief Tactician’ for UW’s Department of Defense, stated that they have not been approached by Irene O’Dell for strategic assistance. Tossing a chipmunk from his desk, he said, “If and when they approach us for help, we will have to decide whether or not we want to jhelp them. , “After all, it is part of every

“Only an idiot would want to run this country.” The message was a direct attempt to repudiate charges brought against Luckeenumber that he is smarter than he looks and that he purposefully acted less intelligent to win the election. On Irene O’Dell, this is a crime punishable by death. Luckeenumber’s statement was not well-recieved, partly because Irene O’Dell has no television stations and, in fact, only four radios, one of which only picks up static (the other three are owned by the President himself). Sven R. Levin, self-professed leader of the fanatical group dedicated to the overthrow of the Luckeenumber regime, the Dutifully Unintelligent Mob (DUM), disagrees.

good citizen’s duty to help an ally of his country... “But, you know,” he added confidentially, “I really wish we could get some of those M-l 6 Assault Pea-shooters for our assault on the squirrels on campus. The little rodents are getting cheeky!” In a brief radio communication this morning which contained the announcement of martial law, Luckeenumber stated: “I would like to assure you that I have less intelligence than anybody listening to me now. I like to think that my record speaks for itself.” (Luckeenumber’s record, I’m Dumber Than Anybody I Know, has just been releas-

ed in North America by Polygram. Unfortunately, it does not speak for itself; it requires a phonograph.)

“He am smarter than me,” Levin stated several weeks ago, before the outbreak of open hostilities. “Any dummy can see that.” “Everything is under control,” Luckeenumber insisted in his radioaddress. “We do not need and are not requesting aid from any other country. Of course, we don’t like to be ungrateful... And return postage rates are so high... “If a shipment of M-16 Assault Pea-shooters were to be accidentally delivered here, we wouldn’t exactly say no... So...” The leaders of over fifty nations are waiting for Luckeenumber to finish that paragraph. Mai Rd. Istru For more on Irene O’Dell, see stories on page 57.

Getting ‘FriedA press conference called by the Department of Releasing Dangerous Information revealed Tuesday that UW students using the Campus Centre have somatic mutations at a rate 3455% higher than anyone except Dr. David Banner.

ing her work, I knew it had gotten serious.” Other grad students developed abnormalities as well: one soon had a pronounced fondness for the X-ray diffraction machine, another became a panelist on televisiongameshows and a third melted.

The cause of this incredibly high - in fact, usually fatal - mutation rate has been traced. “We - ahem we believe that the mutations are caused by radiation,” stated Dr. Ray Donn, an HKLS professor who previously uncovered the fact that cancer leads to cancer.

The latter development went almost unnoticed (it occurred immediately after a heavy night of drinking and baked beans). It was presumedthatthestudent(now identified as Cy Clone, a grad student working off his Psych loan) had merely gone off to set up a tent in the washroom.

Donn was pressed for a possible radiation source, but refused to say more. “Let’s face it,” he said “If I told you that the microwave oven in the CC was doing this, my superiors would have my can. There’s no way. ” ‘He went on . to state: “Sure, it’s obvious to anyone who looks at the machine that it was built to inferior specifications by a company which is owned through severaldummycorporations by the PRG, which in turn is raking in the bucks. So - no comment.”

When Clone did not return after two days an expedition was sent to his room. There, in a large tub; they found reddish jello.

Donn said he suspected that the mutation rate on campus was increasing when he noticed a somewhat more noticeable than usual abundance of body hair on his secretary and his grad students. “Usually, grad students are expendable, but when one of them developed a brain and started question-

This substance was later analyzed and determined to contain manyofthecomplex, chemicals that are found in higher life forms, as well as others not found in nature, notablyViIlagefood. Further investigation is pending.


Campus Kidna minas I

Police Chief Friendly today announced that the Campus Police have solved the baffling series of disappearances that have plagued the campus since June 19, 1980, He further announced that no arrest would be forthcoming because the kidnapper/murderer is a couch. “It isn’t much of a couch, actually. I mean, it’s beaten up and broken down. If one of our men hadn’t actually lost a leg to it, I guess we’d never have known.” The couch is located in the PEEPS office in the Campus Centre. PEEPS is a counselling organization for students. They had used the couch to relax students while they told their problems. PEEPS official Hi R. Thanakite explains.

“Well, man, the couch was kind of old and beaten up and had such a comfortable Karma that, hey, it would be positive for the flow-of the cosmznergy. And it was pure organic, know what I mean? So I didn’tknowitwassoorganic that it was alive, but still, there’s nothing worsewhen you’re trying to tell some cat your hassles and you’re on some plastic couch. No energy flow. “But I’m shocked at this, man. I gotta see my therapist . . . or at least my pusher.” The first disappearance was of Eunice Q. Marpdiddle, a third-year architecture student, who complained to friends of a severe headache and a mild suicidal urge. She “went out for a



breath off resh air,” reported her best (and only) friend, Wilma Heartbeebroken. The second disappearance occured three weeks later, with the disappearance of Craig Roosegoose, a second-year Arts student whose shoes were ‘found floating in Laurel Creek.. Dr. Upper of the Biology Department explained his theories about the couch. “Well, we have here the infusion of life into an inanimate object which once was alive. I have no idea how this happened, but I’m sure that merely describing this. . . thing. . . will get me tenure and international recognition. “Anyway. During the earlystagesof it’sexistence, it was obviously motile, as the scratches and thorns

Other incidents have been reported but are, as yet, unsubstantiated. Aduck is believed to have been placed in the microwave oven and come out as a duck with a fly’s head. Long range effects of the microwaves on the students of this campus can only be guessed at. Perhapsthe best solution to the problem was suggested by Dr. Donn, who said, “Look if all our brains are fried-we can all transfer to Engineering. Glenn








to swallow...

found on its underside indicate. “I believe that thecouch is pregnant. That is why it was not moving around, andwhy it was caught.” Upper has noexplaination of why the couch chose to settle in the PEEPS office. “Perhaps it merely likes smokey rooms?” Officer Friendly said, “I’m glad this is solved - except for that one student -what was his name? - Cy Clone - we still don’t know what happened to him. Oh well. “Now we can get down to blasting the squirrels! We’ll get those f urry bastards,” he declaimed. “And their small change in amounts less than $900 left carelessly in their desks, too!” he concluded. Gilbert Giblets

a ’



3, 1981



2 -


A little-known addendum to the famous SurgeonGeneral’s Anti-Smoking Report was uncovered in a back room of the Government Library Monday. It had been used to prop up a table with a short leg. Upon investigation, it was shown that this addendum, never before released contained “Suggestions to Hard-‘Core Smokers”. Among the suggestions were: 0 Cancer is far more prevalent in people who posess a healthy nervous system; with all the nicotine in a smoker’s system, it’s impossible to be calm, lowering the cancer incidence. l Due to government taxes, smokers contribute to the economic growth of Canada. l Healthy habits like whole wheat bread, healthy lungs, crunchy granola and fasting went out of fashion with love beads and peace signs. In case a smoker is being attacked and harrassed by a group of ardent nonsmokers, the report says, “as a last resort, you can always claim you only have only one lung, and your chances of getting cancer are halved. In the ensuing stunned silence, you can make your escape.” London (CP) - At a dinner -given by the Conservative Party, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher spoke only once. In her brief speech, Mrs. Thatcher discussedthe plight of lemmings in South Africa and thesouth African government’s policy of seperate but equal development-for humans and lemmings alike. Rome (AP) - In a speech to today, environmentalists Prime Minister Bofha criti-

cized England’s Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for her cfiticism of his government’s policy on lemmings. When asked to qualify his statement, Mr. Botha replied that “Mrs. Thatcher should look at her own government’s ‘apartheid policy’, in particular, the isolation of Scats to Scotland.” Moscow (INS) -The Soviet news agency TASS today released two related stories about Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev. He recently suffered disappointment as his five-year plan was cut short in its third year by the Soviet government. For unknown reasons, he received a commiseratory telegram from television producer Gene Roddenberry. Tomorrow, Premier Brezhnev will give a speech on his “remaining two-fifths” plan, outlining his plans on disarmaments, the Peace Corps and expanding Pepsi concessions in Siberia. Rome (EIEIO) - Today the famous late film producer Cino Visconti Today, Norman D. Invasion, Uberlieutenant of UW’s Department of Defense, announced an all-out offen“squirrels, sive against chipmunks, muskrats and other rodents on campus.” The UW troops will dress in combat greens (as opposed to the dress greens they currently wear) and will go about armed and dangerous. Invasion has already been arranged for some equipment to be brought in from the United States, as well as technical advisers to instruct the UW men on the use of these weapons. Invasion said he was not sure what was going to be sent, but he hoped “a small nuclear device” tactical would be included. For a picture, see page 3.

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Take part in this annual celebration of the world of Canadian letters. lrvlng Layton, P.K Page. Pat Lane, Raoul Duguay. Bob Kroetech Eli Mandel and many others wil be readIn< and conducting workshopa at Collngwood’r Cranberry Inn.

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student 60 Pages has uncovered startling evidence which shows that the student newspaper, Misprint, is corrupt and morally bankrupt. Prime actors in this seedy drama are Marbles Sandottir, editor, and Vim Simonize, Federation President. Sandottir apparently rerouted funds intended to pay off the paper’s debt (now nearing the size of the GNP


of lrene

O’Dell) to support Simonize in his bid against Maggie Tomcat in the election last January. The paper is receiving regularcheques from the Federation of Students; Sandottir apparently deposited one of these cheques in the paper’s name and then wrotea large cheque for a maintenance visit to the phototypesetter which is located in the Misprint office, just beneath

the Fed office. Shortlythereafter, Simonize, dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase came downstairs and went into the typesetting room. Once in the room, he opened his briefcase, passed certain incriminating photographs to Sandottir, opened a few easily accessible panels on the typesetter and said in a loud voice, “There, that looks like

it’s done it.” He replaced the panels and, his charade as a repairman done with, Sandottir gave him the cheque. Unfortunately, - in the process of removing those panels, Simonize spilled a coffee into the machine ruining it utterly. This necessitated a visit from a real repairman, and was one of the subtle clues that led to his being discovered.

Ducks Stone’s Throw Away Vandalism and violence have reared their ugly heads on the UW campus in recent months. Papers have been destroyed in ES 1. Washroom doors have gone missing. Cars have disappeared from in front of the CC. Youthful Co-eds have been viciously molested on their way to classes. “It’s almost as if we’ve moved to Detroit,” stated security’ spokesman Hans Off. Startling new evidence has linked these seemingly unrelated events to an unlikely, mild-mannered campus group. No, this is not the newly-formed’ Clark Kent Fan Club, nor the SCA planning an attack. The University of Waterloo’s ducks are revolting. Not only that, but they are planning a revolution. In an exclusive interview, spokesduck Donald O’Daffy outlined the webfeet’s plan. “We are going to systematically destroy this campus unless our demands are met. “If you do not comply, this entire section of town will become a giant swamp where we will set up a Duck Dominion under UN charter.

We are prepared to carry out our threats. We have the ability to; the beavers are on our side.” The ducks have a lengthy list of demands which they plan to submit to the UW senate, Waterloo city council, the Ontario Legislature, Federal Parliament and, asa last resort,AIberta.Afterthe interview, O’Daffy said, “If we get these, we’re going to try and repair all thedamage done to any of our other fowl friends. Down with Foghorn Leghorn! Up the Revolu-

tion!” The demands include: l No more Village food. Only fresh French bread from -Paris and Russian caviar will do. Small brine shrimp must be imported daily. o Heated housing for the winter. The CC just isn’t good enough. * The retrieval of nesting grounds where Health Services now rests. l A special duck service at Conrad Grebel College. o A spokesduck on each of

You Want Drugs? “Oh mygod!“onestudent shouts, “I can see! I can see! Everything has turned grey! What is that sound? Could it be Barry Manilow? NO!” While investigating the phenomenon of too many drugsoncampus,thisreporter found that although there was a considerably heavy consumption of “Weed”, THC, LSD and cocaine, ASA (yes, plain old aspirin) was the real high stimulus drug. In fact, so valuable is aspirin that a black market operation, emanating from a well-known student service, has come into being., Such brands as Bufferin, Tylenol, Bayer and Excedrin range in price depending upon the quality and desired effects of the drug. Aspirin causesan immediate cessation of all throbbings, achesand pains in the head or other portionsof the body above the neck. Occasional results of this type have been noticed in other parts of the body. General analgesic effects are often claimed by regular users of the drug. These claims, however, have not been supported by scientific evidence.

There definitely are sideeffects. Depending on the kind of pill taken(“buffered” or “non-buffered”) stomach upset may result. The drug also tends to cause hormonal imbalances. This may- result in breasts if the user is female or a beard if the user is male. At the University Campus Centre, the apparent problem of drug addiction is not visibly evident amongst the crowd. I asked one student about the overuse of drugs and his reply was: “Hello, I’m Vim Simonize and I’m President of the Federation of Students.” It was obvious that this student was a latent victim of the “Drug Wars” (19681942). When inquiring with the Director of Health Services, James O’Bleary, he merely replied that the, student I had interviewed was suffering from delusions of grandeur along with a short range of vision. I asked him whether or not this is widespread among the greater proportion of students. O’Bleary gave no reply, merely shrugging. Kent C. Oxford, a well known pointdexter and law graduate from Ohio State,

considered the peculiar addiction to ASA relatively minor in relation to the, number of winos in Toronto. When presented with Mr. O’Bleary’s reaction. to the question of an overabundance,of drugs, Mr. Oxford could only reply that suchi things were not copacetic to! his way of thinking. He then1 offered me a few hits of acid., An unidentified source (A. J. Waternose) stated that‘ the walls had ears and short< men often lack height. I Oxford broke down in the’ face of this and stated that he was partially responsible for the epidemic since they had donated 40,000 boxes of Contac-C to the Book Store under the impression it was heroin. But the ASA connection did not end there. As it turned out, the root of the drug problem was rumoured to have been initiated by the student union.. As yet, no evidence has been found, except for the 37 empty aspirin bottles in the Federation office. The problem of aspirin addiction still continues unchecked by the restriction of proper drug dealers. Cornelius Tacitus

the BOG, Fed Council, CCB, PEERS, BENT, BED, ENGSOCA(apparentlytheducks don’t care about ENGSOC B), SciSoc, ASU and the Red Room. l Weekly readings from the works of Robert Mallard, an obscure 17th century novelist and bricklayer. l Daily showings of the 60’s television series “Danger Man”. l Free showings of “Our Wonderful Web-Footed Friends” (NFB, 1958) at .Fed Flicks and Cinema Gratis. Attendance Manditory for the entire University community. The ducks seem serious in their threat toI swamp UW unless their demands are met. They also appear to have the power to do so. Already a path of destruction waddles in their wake; in retaliation for parking lots being built on their nesting grounds, a band of marauding mallards has struck Married Students. The results are obvious: if those mallards show only half thedeterminationofthe rest of the flock, we’re in trouble. Next year we may be forced to stay on campus during reading week while the ducks take Air Canada specials to Florida. Brenda Binder



60 Pages


Is Corrupt Careful investigation showed further evidence and also implicated other people. The cheque had been co-signed by Sylvia Joejob, a part-time employee of questionable reputation who claims to have a business on the side, working with glass. There is no hard evidence to convict her along with Sandottir and Simonize, but she did co-sign a cheque made out to “The man dressed in a suit” and she did not question Simonize’s identification, Others in the office at the time included Jake Deeant, a local ne’er-do-well who has been convicted at least once of loitering with intent to malinger and who also, in a fit of desperation, cosigned the cheqbe. Perhaps one of the most telling and yet subtle clues contained on the cheque itself was the cryptic inscription on the back: “To Vim - I hope this money helps you win.” It was signed, JW Blast. Blast is a man with’ known connections to organized crime. He masterminded the lmprint fraud, making hundreds of people on this campus submit articles to a weekly paperwhich existed nowhere but in his own mind. He held off suspicion by the invention of yetanother fictitious paper, the Chevron which he claimed was a rival tothelmprintand was disposing of the papers when they arrived on campus. Subsequent investigation showed that neither the imprint nor the Chevron had ,ever existed, anywhere, in any form. These four people, with the help of sundry henchmen, engineered a fraud which putVim Simonize into office. We went to the people concerned to ask them.

Marbles Sandottir, a short blonde woman dressed in a gunny sack, met the reporters at the door to the Misprint office. “You can’t come in,” she told us. When we attempted to go in anyway, she produced an X-acto knife and threatened our cuticles. “You’ll bleed so much if you cross this threshold, boy,“she warned us. When questioned, she answered, “I don’t know anything about Simonize. For all I know, he’s just a typical Fed hack, all talk and no action. By the way, could you lend me some money? Somehow I misplaced twenty thousand dollars of my household money and I really have to put gas in the car -” We then attempted to interview Joejob, a petite brunette who was chortling and typing up Misprint invoices. “What do you .want?” she demanded. “I have to get back to typing up these invoices. We’re lucky advertiserscan’t multiply, or they’d know we charge them three hundred dollars for the first column inch and six dollars for each one after that.” She claimed not to know anything about Vim either, despite the fact that he was standing three feet to her right, hidden by an ugly gray wall. Simonize was immediately cornered, and his reply was, “Hello, I’m Vim Simonize, and I’m President of the Federation of Students.” The other two implicated in this plot were subsequently located. Jake Deeant, a slim, dark-haired man with a moustache, was found jogging on the water of Laurel Creek. JW -Blast, the man for whom the word “big” was invented, was located in the Cont.

on page 44





60 Pages ..-_ 4,

Sixry Pages is the investigative journal at the University of Waterloo. We. are \ndepende,nt of everybody and everything and won’t bow down to anybody no matter how much you threaten us. Our publisher, John McMutant, a corporation without share capital, can be reacped at University of Waterloo, Waterloo, Ontario (885-l 211) but he won t bow down to your demands either. Neither will the mailman who delivers our mait to “Sixtv Pagm, Campus Centre Room 140”; if your message is s&ret, we havi a list of secret message drops posted. Sixty Pages holidays> and defends journalistic ethics and publishes on legal principles, so there.






Sixty Pages holds no responsibility for the contents of,the ads because we iigure.that if you read our paper, you’re too smart to be taken in. Besides, our publisher is related to the local ad agency and he feels that nepotism is a viable hiring practice. Besides, we need the money.

.Send Letters

A LETTER FROM OUR WAR CORRESPONDENT -7/6/4/19 7/l 9/7 15/23/17/21: 3/11/1/17/19/23 121 17124 23/8/1~7/12/12/ 22/10 21 12/16/14 3/12/19 24/16 IO 41 2/24 g/18/23/14 17/6/4/l 1 18/9/2b/lV 3/l / l4/7 - 24/l 7/22/l , 18/16/10. 14/22/5 1O/ 20 l/8/1 5/22/l 3 251 14/l /4/l 4 3/26/7/6/l 3. 23/12/16/20 -21/10/17/ i/r X6/:27//285 :w 23/g/2/25. 19/6/8/6 21/17/2l/ 5 9/21/l 5/l 2 6/24/21 24/5/3/21/6/15/24. a 23/1/19/12/l As usual, 60 Pages offers an award to anyone who can crack our code (it’s easy as pie). In. case of multiple correct answers, the prize goes to . the first received. Attempts at solutions can be left at one of our secret message drops, or brought to our offices. Oh, yes - his name is Randy.

our precious bodily fluids! It is this purity of essence that makes our country great, makes our continent strong, even in the face of the godless *******! Flouridation is only-one of a great number of other methods used by these parasites, ‘these scumsuckers in the Lake of Eden - why do you think the sea is salt? Not for thereasonstheywould have you believe. No. Once all the water on Earth was fresh and willing to’becomepart of our precious bodily fluids. Now look at it. We are surrounded by salt water that only does us harm. They would have you believe that life originated in the salt water. They would deny Biblical creation and the right to kill all those who do not believe. No wonder the world is in such terrible shape! Even the whales are almost extinct! Rise up! Our precious bodily fluids are threatened! Fortunately, I found out in time; I only drink pure rainwater and grain alcohol. I deprive women of my essence. Remember the canals on Mars. Remember Lake Erie. Remember that the +++++W+( . invented the flush toilet. . Join the fight for peace on earth today! General Jack C. Ripper Sixty Pagesmakesitapolicy to print al! letters received, no matt,er how obviously these were written by fictional-characters from highly su,ccessful films.

AWord. From Our Pu bl-is her. Journalism on the UW campus has had a long and colourful history. The colours have always been bold ones, forging ahead in the pursuit of Truth and Slime Beneath The Facade. Lately, however, these colours seem to have changed.(to red and yellow, or maybe to black and blue), and I have heard rumours that student, journalism on our campus is Boring. Boring!!? In response to that, I am presenting to you a list of some of the articles which will’ be presented in future issues of Sixty Pages, stories which reveal Truth and which revel in exposirig Slime Beneath The Facades. These are stories which strip off the veneer of our rotten, corrupt society and expose the termites who eat away at our moral fibre and our ethical baseboards. We cannot allow these parasitestodestroyall we havedreamedof,worked for and toiled in the garden Of.

To this end, we will be presenting these stories, and still others which will rock this campus to its 3ery roots: F Scandal in Scarborough - cheating To the editor: on IQ tests is I think you are a Fascist. revealed. That story you rah about me, l Food Services-an investhe one that forced me to tigation into the use of spoiled food,. and its supresign, sell my home and car, divorce my wife, pay my liers. children for ruining their ,o Stories on New Presigood name and go underdent Douglas Wright - an Dear *Editor, interview with his teddyground from the police for I would like tocompl,iment bear, who gives us insights you for your fine article on three months, was a lie! A filthy rotten lie! It into his chijdhood; and a the potential hazards of dirty wasn’t true, s‘he was over’ discussion of h,is politics, flouridated water. The art-sixteen, they were cold -“RightWingorLeft(oris‘hea icle was well-thought out, tablets and besides, I don’t bird at all?)“. Further we will and, if anything,‘erredonthe investigate his disturbing side of caution. I have been a smoke. I would like recompense from your paper, and resemblance to Roger Whitstudent of this very topic for some years now, and I have, I’m going to sue. As soon as I taker (have they ever been find a lawyer shady enough seen together?). some information that your to handle me. l Students - Do TheyTake reporter missed. And I am not related to Too ManKDrugs? There are a great number either Ronald Reagan or l Teapots - Crockery Poiof other ;!reas touched in the soning Us? sam.e way - pollution of our Adolf Hitler. Adolf Reagan And other investigations water. We must preserve 7 that will show the worldthat UW is not the calm, unThe Sixty Pages letters policy is highly arbitrary and troubled campus it appears upholds most @four beliefs. We’ll let you say anything as to be; that will show them long as you don’t say too many bad things about us. You that student journalism has can use a pseudonym if you want, butyou havetoinclude a vital and active part in a place where you can be reached. We like to edit the _ everything everywhere no letters - sometimes we get rid of the w’s.Asyou can tell, matter what. we have a lot of fun with our letters. If you suggest a story So Help Us, God. and we follow up on it, you get no credit whatsoever. Hey John t&Mutant -that’s the nature of the business. Send mail tv “sixty Publisher Pages, CC 7401or to the secret mail drops disguised as P.S. - We’re still miles ahead of the \ Glossette and the Misprint. deposit bins. .

John McMutant Ira Naysayer Syliva Bornagain Jacob Arsonist Whiz Wood Stupenny Ducat Sole Embolism Abbey Lane Various hidden cameras Marg Clayperson Donald McMutant John W. McBastant Grover McMutant-Wills Sharon Smythe-Mutant Cathy O’Mutant Deep Throat Deep Moat Leap Thoat Rolled Oats Otis’ Weddings 81 Caterers Leila 555-4762 .

News) Is Graph.ic Violence


social change. Journalism on the UW campus has had a long and In certain controlled colourful history. The colcoirntries, those which have ours have always been bold notyetthrownofftheyokeof ones, forging ahe;id in the dictatorship, the newspapursuit of Truth and-slime pers are forced to publish Beneath The Facades. Lateonly the government view; ly, however, papers have they may not comment come under attack and I feel unftivourably on anythi_ng, that it is time we looked at they are not free. Even inour the place and purpose of own True North Stronganjournalism and journalists free, there- are restrictions on the press. We are not in our society. Journalism, first of all,. allowed to publish pictures free journalism is necessary of graphic violence, we to prevent the rise of corcannot show nudes frontally. Why not? Face it people, ruption in our society, and to maintain it in a pure and that’s Truth! That’s part of wholesome manner, much what everything is all about, like letting sunlight into a that’s what we are here to dark and musty room, open-. show you. There should be ing the windows and letting no restrictions of, journathe fresh air in. However, lists whatsoever. journalism has lain fallow in Now, we must discuss our society for years, althese paragons of humalowing the closets td must ’ nity, these toil,ers in the and rot. And where werethe garden of social change, mothballs? - In the printing these gods who walkamong presses! you. That’s right: journalSo our purpoSe-now, in ists. Public oeinion has us these troubled, corrupt, rotdepicted as freeloaders who ten times is to strip awaythe attend meetings only if veneer and reveal thesilverfreebies are available, as heavy drinkers and as disfish nibbling at the base; boards and foundations of gusting drug-using falsifyour society. It’is our purpose ing bumsonthetake. Iobject strenuously to those imto strip away the wallpaper .and plaster and get downfo ages. Certainly journalists the oaken beams which are have a certain familiarity under insidious attack by with the Lower Aspects of society; it is where we work. these people, thesetermites But we do not like guilt-byupon free will and human nobility. association, and we have ways of getting back at the We must not rest or people who don’t like us. weaken; we will not rest or weaken. We are agents of Let’s face it: we can print

anything we wantto. Nyaah, nyaah! You know, &metimes I dream of a bloodless revolution, a coup d’etat which would leave us in charge. The world would be peaceably run as a’ Journalocracy, with us on top. We would do a better job than any of the creeps and slime who are incharge now. Of course, when you think about it, you realize that the reporters themselves couldn’t run the world. Look at the facts - most of those bozos can’t get anywhere without an editor to wet-nurse them. I mean, last week we did that story on the colour of the ES 2 building, and I had to literally take that idiot by the hand to the building site. He was really lunched out. Probably coke or something like that. Editors, man -that’s where the real power is. Look at Joseph Pulitzer f what is he doing now? I sure as hell don’t know. Flash in the pan stuff. Now, if it had been an editor, he’d be in the White House now, running the whole show, instead of Rompin’ Ronnie. Oh, granted, occasionally editors make mistakes, but who’s gonna know? I mean, we’ve really got it, we’ve got it all sewn up. It’s ours. We get to yell, “Stop the Presses! ” Power. This is what it’s all about. Ira Naysayer 1)





to do with



“Why do some people answer questions with questions?” asked noted psychology prof lzzie R. Isnty, speaking at the latest WPORK (Waterloo People Organized in Researching Knowledge) milk bag seminar. “Well, why not?” The theme of theseminar, The Complexity of Modern Communication and its Dependence on Long Distance Operators, a pressing issue in today’s society, was ignored by Isnty. Instead, he spent forty minutes talking about people who answer questions with questions, a subject which proved of interst to virtually nobody. “A question is not an answer,” lsnty stated. “In fact, a question cannot bean answer, and an answer cannot be a question. Neither can the sun be the moon, nor the moon be the sun. Both, however, could be giant blintzes.Thiscan be understood by looking at death. “While death is not a question, it is also not an answer. Death -is really not like anything except possibly a telegram I once received from my mother. She had a dream in which a purpletongued dwarf covered her with gravy. “So, we see, to answer a question with a question is to question the; really answer and/or the question, but it is not to answer the question.” “Doyou reallythinkso?“a person from the audience shouted. lsnty responded: “Do you always pick your nose when you shout?” lsnty then cited the growing dependence of industrialized nations upon the oilrich third world sheikdoms as one cotisequence of not getting a direct answer to a “By the time the question. American government gets a straight answer,” lsnty warned, “It may be too late to save the US economy. Of course, a crooked answer migh\ help a little.” The question period after the seminar proved to be even less informative. “Have you found a correlation between mass communication and the proliferation of dentists in the twentieth century?” one person asked. “If I had,” lsnty answered, “Don’t you think I’d be


writing my award-winning thesis now insteadof lecturing before a bunch of university students?” The audience could not reach a consensus. “Do you feel,” another person tried, “That interpersonal relationships are being threatened by the lack of communication which prevails in this post-technological society, in relation, in particular, to ‘hot’ media in the McLuhanesque idiom?” “Would you please repeat the question?“lsntyresponded. The questioner said, “What?” A very boring conversa-\ tion ensued. Dissatisfied with the milk bag seminar, Sixty Pnges sent reporter Mdy D. Bestmann-Winn out to interview noted psychologist F. R. Vescent, author of the bestselling “Age of Rock: Rockof Ages?” and the Howdy Doody line of self-help books. What follows is part of that interview; most was edited on the basis of dullness. SIXTY PAGES: Professor Vescent, do you feel that there is a great importance to people who answer a question with a question? F. R. VESCENT: What do you mean? SP: Have you found people who answer questions with questions to be more...more seriously disturbed than others? FRV: No...not really, although perhaps we should clarify things a little. Are you referring to people who pathotogicallyanswerquestions with questions, or just those who don’t know any better? SP: Well, I hadn’t really thought about... FRV: Well, there you are, you see. If the original questions were well phrased and well thought out, they wouldn’t have to be answered with questions, would they? SP: I...1 guess not. (silence) Professor, do you see this phenomenon as being just one more example of the breakdown in interpersonal communication? FRV: Which phenomenon is this? SP: Why, that of people answering questions with questions. FRV: Oh. (pause) Can you doubt it? Alan A. Dayswerk

The island f#-*m

of Irene


Its capital



is shown.

The natives


crb # .+L

Almost immediately after the declaration of martial law on the tiny island of Irene O’Dell, one of the leaders of the revolt, Kurt N. ?oothepoint, accidentally walked intothe mansion of President Sven S. A. Luckeenumber and was put under house arrest, Sixty Pages has learned. Aliyah Dullife, a Sixty Pages staff member assignedtothePresident’skitchenstafffwasable to get an interview with the self proclaimed freedom fighter. Pages:

N. Toothepoint:

Mr. Toothepoint... Please


call me that.

My name is Mel Iffluous. SP: Oh. You’re not Kurt N. Toothepoint? Mel IffZuous: Yes, I am. But while I am under house arrest I plan on using a ‘DUM pseudonvm. SP: I’11 say! Mr., uhh, Mr. Iffluous,there have been rumours that you have been mistreated... MZ...KNT...POW: Have you ever stared down the bore of an American M-l 6 Assault Pea-shooter, Miss Dullife?

tell up from down, or North Map by Dan Trembley

Irene O’Dell:

“A .Stupid Little War” Only fifty years ago, the tiny island named Irene O’Dell was found, the only land mass of appreciable size in the middle of the AtlanticOcean. Itsdiscovery was totally accidental; an intercontinental cruiseship, blown off course by a< hurricane, washed up on Irene O’Dell’s shores. At first, Irene O’Dell was considered a scientific and sociological oddity..lsolated for hundreds, perhaps thousands ‘of years, this tiny society had evolved its own language and cusJoms, most of which appeared as rather strange to the people of the 1930’s (and which appear strange to this day). Politically, Irene O’Dell was(and remains) ruled bya unique system referred to by many sociologists as “ldiotology”. ldiotology is, simply put, rule by the least intelligent. (A popular theory states that Irene O’Dell is populated by the offspring of a Viking ship blown off course over a thousand years ago. The necessary in-breeding during the intervening centuries would thus produce a race of idiots. The only proof of this is the average IQ of the Irene O’Dellian - 75 and the fact that half the

male natives are named Sven.) Once every four or five years (or whenever he gets around to doing it), the President of the nation calls an inauguration. Natives from all across the island travel to its major city, Scott O’Day, to participate in the “schrooning” festival. - _ (Of the major city, former Irene O’Dell President Sven Daysinaweek once stated that “it used to be a ghetto, but we tore it down and put up a slum”.) Candidates spend a week making speeches, opening roads, accepting plaques and kissing babies. Some political scientists claim this part of the ceremony is proof of the theory of parallel evolution; most do not. The night before the election there is a tremerndous feast. Those who wake up early the next morning are immediately disqualified; only those who awaken past noon are eligible to continue. Those who wake up in the evening, missing the next test entirely, are made members of the Senate. ’ That afternoon, the candidates each hit themselves inthe headwithaschroon(a native bird resembling a crayfish with an exoskeleton as hard as a rock). The

last candidate to remain standing is declared the winner and takes office immediately. The week following the election is declared National Medical Help Week to give the losers a chance to recover. Historically, Irene O’Dell has had few dealings with therestoftheworldowingto its great distance from any inhabited land mass. There was once a theory that the conquest of Poland, France and other countries by Adolph Hitler during World War II was really only practice for his take-over of the tinv island-state. The theory was that Hitler had grown fond of the schroons which, because of the difficulty in getting the meat out of their shells, were considered an Aryan delicacy. The major turning point of the war supposedly came when the schroons went into their year-long period of hibernation(which occurs once every decade if there is a World War). Despondent, the short, moustached dictator eventually took his own life in a bunker, surrounded by sleeping schroons. This theory, first proposed by an Irene O’Dellian, has

A Dull Trite Interview With A POW




Milk Bag Enigma


60 Pages

of the acts of mindless violence which have SP: Well, no, I...1 haven’t. POW: It’s not a pleasant sight, I can assure YOU. plunged your country into civil war? POW: Well, there is this little-known plant grown SP: Yes, but... on our island which we call the Poltroon. Usually, POW: And the rooms! They’re so small... it falls natural prey to the predatory yet SP: Really? How small are they? A few decades ago, POW: The rooms are so small that you have to go herbiforous schroon. outside just to change your mind. however, when the schroons went into their Sp: Really? period of hibernation, the multiplication of the POW: Yeah. They’re so small the mice are poltroonswas allowed to go unchecked. This hunchbacked. caused a temporary imbalance of the delicate SP: Uh huh. What about other examples... ecosystems on the Gland, causing most natives to POW: Oh, the torture, thetorture. Theyforce usto list to the left. listen to Chipmunk Punk..SP: What’s so bad about that? POW: At 78rpm?

SP: So?

POW: So, we believe in the freedom of poltroons to multiply and grow prosperous, as is their right. SP: Is that all... SP: Oh. I see. POW: Sure. And the guard is so ugly... (pause) POW: We also believe in thewholesaleslaughter of IQ points. ‘Stupidity in our time’ has long been Aren’t you going to ask me how ugly? our motto., SP: I wasn’t planning on it. SP: Indeed. Well, thank you Mr. Toothepoint... POW: Oh. SP: Mr. Iffluous, what did your group hope to POW: Iffluous. Mel Iffluous. accomplish whenitembarkedontheperpetration SP: Thank you very much!

always been unpopular among most students of that period of history. It is recognized for what it is: a stupid theory. In more recent times, both the east and the west have, in their quest for allies, sent aid to Irene O’Dell. Although its government has spurned offers of arms, it was only too happy to accept money and technical advice. For the most part, the bamboo huts with mirrored floors or without roofs or doors have been replaced by elegant townhouses and skyscrapers (most of which have roofs, linoleum and doors). Some natives who have resisted change have been given plastic huts with the occasional structural aberration, but there are few of them. Irene O’Dell produces nothing in large enough quantities to trade on the international market (except seabird guano, for which there is little demand). When the native language was fully translated, however, it was found that Irene O’Dellians are traditionally a humourous people and their language is filled with puns, double entendres and the like. Almost immediately, Irene O’Dell started export\ ing jokes to the United States to be used on prime time television. The volume of trade soon grew so great that the US government had toputaquotaonIreneO’Dell humour to protect its domestic produce. As well, the local religion -worshipofthesacredfruit is dying out with the introduction into Irene O’Dell society of television, despite the lack of a television station on the island. Sowarnowoozesoverthe tiny island of Irene O’Dell. With their usual good spirits, the islanders are smiling through the rain of peas from the military peashooters. Whatever the outcome, one thing seems certain: it won’t matter at al I.

Fran Kleemydir

-Reporter Kisses~t.Boss’s -A&$. ‘BLOOD’N’GUTS John


. Imprint



“The future of journalism lies in the grai>hic depiction of violence,” claims John McMutant, well-known cruL. sading newspaper publisher and traffic accident ,fet-

a master. .Thi\s kind of’ skill is also evident in Chapter 1: “Journalism and Censorship.” McMutant first discusses’ the theory behind censorship and how it is implemented in each of the. ten provinces, the two territories and a small town in Idaho oi Nebraska. Then he goes on to the helpful hints - useful even to a professional jo’urnalist of long standing. McMutant -explains the many ways a dedicated reporter can get around editors, publishers and other c&nso?ing. bodies bent on ruining good copy to serve their own ends.

ishist. Only McMutant’i preciIllustrated with dozens df sion brai’n could delve into colotir pictures showing the the problem of reporting on mutilation of the human violence in such detail and body with surgical clarity, with such soul. Take, for tvis book is bound to become, instance, the Foiward, in a classic. McMutant has which he explains his posisurpassed himself; this eftion in world journalism. fort is .even better than his’ 3rom the first words, “Jdurprevious work Traffic Accinalism at UW has a long and dents I Have Known and ,colourful ‘history-” we Loved. know we are in the hands of



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ed in Chapter 11: Where to Look. McMutant revesls twenty hit herto hidden ways to get others to fight messily without endangering your own life or equiptment. Sleazy bars and dark alleys have much to recommend them. Further, there is a short section on “How to Ride in the Ambulance”; it is a journalistic truism that a picture of a muggindvictim .lying in a hospital bed is worth twice the circulatidti of the same person if they hbd died on the,.street. ’ Motorcycle . gangs are classed as r,isks, but, as McMutant says, “Win their confidence with free drugs and. Harley-Davidsons and they’ll let you tag along to every rumble.” No major work of this calibre would be complete without achapteroncamera care. McMutant thoughtfu’lly places this chapter,-17 - near the end for all who like to read the endings first to see who done it. Little tips like “how to get dried bldod off your lens” are covered in exquisite detail, with step-by-step instructions and clearly drawn illustrations. Blood’N’Gwts is a must for every journalist or necrophiliac, whether he’be an old pro at police headquarters or the new man in the obits. ’ Copies are avaitable, handbound in red Yeti leather with gold leaf titles, in any fine bookstore, or contsct the publisher for an autographed copy. Cathy McMutant




Unfortunately, this chapter was banned in Ontario. However, it can be read in British Co!umbia, Alberta ahd, if you are over 15, Quebec. McMutant’s brilliance reaches a peak with Chapter 5. The topic: Composition of Photographs. Certain exposures should be atiidbd as all of the grotesque’, tiny details for which the audience is paying are obscured at subsequent stages in the printing process. McMutant vividly. recalls an episode when he was just starting out on a local paper called ,We Know Yow Want ToRead About Celebrities Like Carol Burnett So We’ll Give Ybw Copy Even If We Have To Make It pp (known colloquially as We Know You). “I had just taken a really good picture of an accident victim. I was really proud of it; I mean, you could even see the hezirt in that mess, throbbing as. the guy lay, there on the pavement. And to top .it all off, most - but not all - of his girlfriend’s clothes had’ been torn off. The picture made itself. “Unfortunatdy, when the ‘time came for the editor tb decide, he.realized that my pit would be muddy because of a .few silly mistakes. He finally went with the article on what celebrities called thei; pet avocados. It was a .great lesson to me.” Such personal revelations as this niakethis book more than a handbook; they make it an insight* into~ the ,&nd and soul of the author. His creativity is highlight-

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60 Pages


clues Spotted

our ‘Beatles Alive? Rumours that John Lennon h?as not been dead several months have emanated from the underground press. . They were originated by a number of sharp-eared, eagle-eyed fans who noticed a common theme(plus sundry other clues) running through all theiralbums,the last of which was released over ten years ago. The available clues gathered by ardent fans are rather interesting. The continuous theme of life running through their albums have piqued the interest of many. l Whowasitwho”wokeup, got out of bed” in the lyrics of “A Day In The Life” from the Spt. Pepper album? l In this song, the following lines from King Lear: “Sit you down father; rest you” reinforces the life theme. l Life again pops up in the Magical Mystery Tour album in the form of the eggmen, ancient southern farmer’s symbols of life. e At the end of that song, someone says in a slurred voice “I married John.” e The lyric”J’ai Guru Deva” from “Across the Universe (Let lt Be) literally means “John cannot die” in ancient Hindustani. The mysterious surrealistic electronic compositions found on the double white album include may garbled phrasings. Try taping “Revolution 9” backwards and, besides Beethoven’s ninth symphony, you will hear Paul McCartney

repeating clearly and distinctly, “You know he cannot die, man”. ’ Fans have also gleaned clues from record covers: The Sgt. Pepper cover shows a crowd gathered around an alligator with a coffin on its back, symbolic of eternal life and a good party in Egyptian mythology. l Also on this album, John is the only one wearing daisies on his jacket, while the others wear nothing organic. l On the cover of A Hard Day’s Night, John’s back is turned (at least, it looks like John whose back is turned). l On the cover of Help, John l

has raised his arms in a gestureof surrender(which, coincidentally, is the semaphore form of the letter “L”). l John is making an oldfashioned pact-with-Satan sign on the cover of The Yellow Submarine. Is this another con job by Lennon/McCartney or does the theme of life mean something? After all, Lennon’s wife, former Yoko Ono, has plans to release another album and...well, nobody can believe that he’s dead, and... Something is going on, but whether it’s a huge hoax or for realnobody knows for sure.



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“The night was still, quiet, aetherial. A wet quietness that collected on night-cool4eaves and dripped, dripped on , the inches-thick humus below. Mist clung to the ground lovingly, passionately, obscuring the sight of small insects e that only come out at night. “A sound. .Not a -common’ sound -jri the woods at night when the moon is full and small chitdren are lying bbed, their dreams full of visions of sugarplumb faeries with long, canine teeth; but none the less a sound belonging to the, _ night, because the daylight would never have it; wo’uld have reject&d it for being too uncouth, animalistic, for being found in a sentence much, much too long...” Thus begins the narevery earth-running critter, ration to Simon J. Featherand not a few reptiles. inbstone-Smythe’s new siBut what i.s the meaning lent film, “The Habitat of of life? the Squirrel’s Ego”, newly (“Sex. Or booze,” mut. opened in Kitchener’s Cineters Cecilia. I resolve to Flex. stuff his floppy ten-gallon Featlieringstone-S.mythe hat up his anus. But later.) has done it again! But this “Ego” fails to provide the reviewer is once more floored . and flabbergasted at the aud, ience turnout to *is exem, plaiy ‘addition to the filmation .* . ‘field; only three psych stuc+nts ’ (one of them wearing a feather), myself ati Cecilia . from the Glossette turned out ,,: for the first Gewing, &I Cecilia - (he’s really a man, you know) only came because of his free *ticket, the churl. Now you’ll ‘hear what you missed; / “Squirrel’s &go” explores the depths &d heights that a Small, fuz& built-low-to-theTground - but - able-toclimb jrees - real - fast soul can .Fea$h. We look at the Uni, ’ vp-se, (“God, if you will” @utters 42edilia into my mini-tapey) and how it ‘$ffects small, furry~ things &at quiver in fright while large gallumphing animals . !&rid& by,-or maIIards.flutter ‘- ,qv&head. - It looks at deep, @biding _fears, stares, into she faces of private demons pnd public phantasms ,(“I %eed a drink. Where’s that bottle you brought?‘Cecilia from the mini-tapey. I reluctantly hand him my five-year old scotch. It was ‘much too young to die&of


fro& p. 5.1 . Drop an ounce.of MSG. :,Ttiis filth has the heartbreak -- ’ of’ cerebral hemmorage. I ,\iuouldn’t say anything else - about it. ’ Wait (down you foolish reptiles 171 tend to you in a second have you ever seen ‘snakes that are all flourescent orange and green and have long sticky tongues with flies stuck to i-them?) \there is one good +, <point. Fred’ Astaire is .abrilliant, though I question his being cast as the Anti,Christ...oh well let’s just ban the bomb. Cont.


page 44

Further. eviden_ces of collusion are also ‘there. Simopize hasgiven Misprint free access‘to Fed meetings “while 60Pageshastopayan entrance fee. Misprint ‘,;eporters are-allowed to sit ’ e on the furniture, and-get invited out to dinner by \ ‘people like Denise Doddoring, That the sin of laundered inoney was not serous is not a valid argument. Simonize himself has stated, “If that last twentythousanddollars hadn’t suddenly come in, I ‘doubt if I could have won. If it had been anyone but :cMaggie, I know I couldn’t have won at all.” So it wasat a criticai point that Misprint ‘y intervehed! * 3) John McMutaht ..



answer, or a new mrase-ology to the question. But it does have very nice music, for a silent film. Fsatheringstone-Smythe’s decision to film all in black.and white is equally correct, especially when he highlights it with brief sequence3 in true-life colour; for example, the frequent dusk and totaldarkness scenes. One of the most poignant eqcounters is the drowning scene, involving a neighbourhood swimming poolj water, and-8 concrete block. The bubbling ieemingly goes on for hours; and when the little pelt floats slowly, so slowly to. the surface


Looked at from a harsh, demanding, eyes-open, feetfirmly-on-the-grotind point of view,. this film stinks. But -Featheringstone-Smythe deserves much better than this. (“And as long as you,get free tickets, you’ll give it to ‘im, too, ‘I mutters Cecilia. But he’s just drunk. Don’t believe him.) . Looked at from this latter point of view, this is one of Featheringstone-Smythe’s .


Or go screw yourself. I don’t care. Speaking as a; drug-crazed hippie waterhead adman, with no brain ’ to speak of but fuckin’ load& of talent so’s I get cushy jobs Cike \. this, all I can say is that this is really, realy good shit. I’m, like, supp&ed to say “3 subtle combo of 17 prime grasses makes DREAM0 marijane a (dig this) connoisseur’s roach”. But screw that. I’ve got one right here as i I type this slop and i can tell you, it’s entif to make u sit up-and take yor soks off and FREEK ME OUT




(“Oh that poor ‘jittle sqti6 r/y!” Cecilia sobs into-the mini-tapey. I push‘ the jerk away. A .Doctorate at Harvard does not a reviewer make.)

_ _ _O.K.

fergot t0 @they put acid in this stuff. . . whatta rush; i don’t care any more. an’ yoo won’t either. Goo’bve.

- .



L:* ,

best. Of his three, only “Machinations of a Songwriter’s Fingertip” closely approached “Ego” in terms of -artistic unity and holist-ic perspective; but that is neither here nor there, thither or yoti, hence or fence; this is reality. and I’m closely approaching my third page of copy! (“+’ the way / write, chum.. . ” mutters Cecilia. I push him away with unnecessary violence, repudiating his “chum”.) F-S’s first film, a seminal work which spawned three filthy books found in manyToronto lower-class bookstores, “The Lady .Who Searched For And Found



i. I

-‘-~ml~’ ‘s~tfory UIG DREAM0 Dibgs I \\ the two-way KiATUl -

The Virgin Grasshopper’s , Legs” was nothing like “Squirrel” or like anything else for that matter, excepting perhaps certain clas*ical music (“often per- ; formed by the K-W Chamber Music Society in .my . fhic) house”) muttered Cecilia, taking m I attention wholly from this fartsome film. (At thispoint, I turned off the mini-tapey and dumped f this review. This column will resume at Cecilia’s where the K-W. CMS is performing “The Lady Who Searched For And Found ,, The Rapacious Grasshopper”.)


The Murdered -

We are past the perfect. It lays beyond now; a lovely reflection, of our past. We enter the rocky stretches where reality burns into our souls leaving little room for fantasy. We take the change within the stride, recovering from trips and stumbles, that do incur along the way. Beyond, we see a paradise or is it


The girl she sits, on the granite street, the string in her white knuckled hand tied to a-corpse of plastic shards, loosened from the tensioned, tightened air filled sphere of clammy breath. You’re crying, child. -My balloon is dead! she frowned, eyes red; -my balloon is dead.. . -A sharp man came (Eyed widened, pulse quickened) -and looked at me; he stared with scarey eyes (Tears reappear, lungs hold back moans) -A click, a pop; (Those twitching ears) -balloon was dead. (Remembrance of the sorrowed lost.)

a mlrage\ulie Lynne

Come, little girl, leave the ground. Let’s find another toy for us. (A furtive grip, knuckled white, glued on a knife.) Yes come, my child.

menstrual imagine maternal

John Meadows


round round

swollen into bellybuttonbeautiful flesh curve hiding the almost human being cuddled into the thickened haven you said you were but you act and


finger-poked pulsing to kick thrust life becoming within

to explode

then always talk and in anger without meaning

i give you credit, even the timing was perfect i was rooting through albums pictures of pleasures when i pulled out the one of us climbing Tunnel Mountain, when your figure vanished from the picture and i heard the screams that had so long tried to escape



? crystal past


without, being without selfness striving to bear itself


i am so tempted. to unwrap you from the veined wrappings but you are still sweating dried blood ’ hurting through, the tissue i will not pry You loose for the pain of tearing . ..pieces dissolving, like water to paper in the ointment of my hands disembodying losing.. . No the surface beneath the surface is not. prepared to surface to my touch i will not move you in . .. you are too precious to be jostled, shuffled, pushd amongst the newspaper-cardboard-box

the yet unborn the assurance (assuring ,


of my days.

to me i will not place You into fear of placement i will not trap You into a place too infinitesimal you-reflections


you have been cut though wrongly so but i will learn to r ea d (as in rat) (as in duck) the FRAGILE upon the box You live i will undo the bloodied m,ess to free you to the healing air collect i will leave you upon the shelf to dust: n. a cover of felt that will lose the sun’s rays in you i will (only) approach to caress and polish (for i can still hear the cover nubbing don’t-do-me-this voice warning of the unfinished edges that will pull catches into my cloth) until cloth smooths over and sunlight colours through you into the spendings of my days


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They returned to an impatient crowd with the news that the Toronto Maple Leafs were winning and proceeded to go through some of the new material from their forthcoming album slated for release in September. “Lucy Potato” was one of the new Teenage Head songs. As Frankie Venom explains: “The song is simply about a hooker in Toronto who gives group rates...or should I say grope rates!” There were a few unexpected turns during the show with covers of Iggy Pop and Gene

Meanwhile, back at the Kent... A poor turnout marred a good weekend Upstairs at the Kent. The sound was far below par on Friday night, but an extensive sound check smoothed the rough edges, and made Saturday’s show a pleasure. A surprise band’took the stage Friday evening and early proceeded to throw together a little something that would shame many bands in this area.





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Vincent songs. The concert closed with the obligatory incore, which turned out to’ be an Eddie Cochrane sone (Venom refers to Cochrane as the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll”). The song featured the sorely missed lead guitarist Gordie Lewis who has spent the last five months in a body cast after a car accident. ‘Once again Teenage Head seemed to be the highlight of a term’s stagnant BENT schedule. The question is, how long can BENT rely solely on Teenage Head for live Rock ‘n’ Roll entertainment term after term? Tim Perlic h

Teenage Head returned to the WMI, last Thursday, older, wiser, and as always, predictable. The recent tour of the west with the . Boomtown Rats seems to have taken its toll. However, by the time Nick Stipanitz went into the intro of,, “Let’s Shake”, all thoughts of a had, sedate performance ’ dissipated. The band followed with most of the standard tunes from their first two albums. After a surprisingly short set, lasting all of forty-five minutes, the Head went backstage to “recoop” for the second set.

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3, 1981

Max Webster are trying too hard. They’re trying to please. And they’re trying to sound sophisticated (eclectic, whatever). . As a result, Sunday’s program at -the Humanities Theatre saw them in over their heads. The crowd was a young one and not hesitant in sparking up at the drop of a hand. There were a few who tried to shout and shake their fists and raids their thembs in approval. They all looked terribly uncommited and seemed quite awkward in the concert hall setting. . The music would more aptly be called noise, it was loud and unmelidic. ,They were just doing a half-assed job of things. The best song of the night had to be Meet the Waterline and even then the vocals were screamed (no projection). Every song restated the underlying conflict between instruments and vocals. A disappointing way to end this term.



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Formerly known as Raw Dogs, the band is now one month old and goes by the name of Soma Vacations. They. played both nights without charging and were a worthy opener for the main attraction; the Crash 80’s. Tangredi (the 80’s lead vocal) . performed with the intensity of a mandman, as he vaulted erratically around the stage, using every square inch. A few times he teetered precariously close to the edge; knocking mike stands as he crossed in front of the drum riser, his own microphone flew onto the dance floor as it slipped through his fingers and detatched for the cord. Gilbert Smith and Doctor Saxxe provided accompaniment on guitars while Bill Wallace and Linda Harvey (drums and bass) gave everyone a shot of Vitriol in the form of an imposing backbeat. Crash 80’s and Soma Vacations: New Music on the climb.




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Much of the Ensemble’s notoriety comes from its exclusive mandolin orchestra, (representing the full range of mandolins) and backed by a complete percussion section, flutes, oboes, clarinets, double bass and electric piano. “Eine Kleine ‘Hammer-Klapper Musik” was by far the best piece presented by the ensemble. Extremely diverse music styles came together with energetic percussion and an especially elusive whistler who turned out to be the conductor. With such a Springtime flavour, one couldn’t help leaving in high spirits. The audience received what they came for and left happy. Even I considered the evening a success my date didn’t fall asleep. Thanks Shevchenko! Patricia L. Shore

How many times have you gone to a movie or some other gathering and sat through the’ first three and a half minutes, bored, to the’ tune of “0 Canada”? Perhaps you need to experience the opening of the Shevechenko Ensemble’s show, to prove that there is more to the National Anthem than obligation. This program opened with sincerity and nationalism thick enough to cut - and continued in a spirit of fun and joy evoked by the music’s very tangible spirit. The Ensemble of 120 singers, musicians and dancers (the majority of Ukranian bat kground but including Canadians of Polish, Macedonian, Italian, Russian, Jewish, Slovak, Finnish, English and French Canadian background) gave a well-rounded performance with something for everyone, but moreespecially for the Ukranians.

The emperor was in his underwear! No, not during a risque adult play, but in the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale, “The Emperor’s New Clothes”. A frequent visitor to the Waterloo area, the Actor’s - Trunk Company performed the chiIdrenS classic in the Humanities Theatre last Tuesday. The audience, consisting of several hundred school children aged five to ten, could not have been more delighted with the company’s performance. The troupe proved to be expert at stimulating the imagination of its young audience. Before launching into the fairy tale, the various cast members introduced themselves and familiarized the audience with the techniques involved in acting. The troupe made extensive use of audience participation, . throughout the production. By allowing several children to take part in the stage production, they elevated the children’s already near hysterical excitement. Hundreds of little arms strained high in the air, accompanied by cries of, “Me! Me!” The company displayed perfect tact in its ability to cope with the spontaneous outbursts of the excited young crowd. At times, the actors actually encouraged such participation. (And the innocent exclama-

tions of delight were refreshing after too many subdued adult audiences). Unfortunately, various portions of the show must be labelled as sexist, since two distinct incidents in the show portrayed women as helpless creatures in need of male assistance. One episode consisted of a female cowering in a corner, after being chased by a rather helpless looking lion. Only after being rescued by the male members of the cast, could the female continue her role in the show. The second incident involved an actress’s inability to climb out of a trunk without the aid of four males. No incidents of males requiring female assistance were present in the show. Both incidents were unnecessary to the plot and could easily have been avoided in the program. Apart from this, the production as a whole was expertly presented. The company displayed great skill in their ability to excite and intrique the young audience. Judging by the delighted cries of the children, the Actor’s Trunk Company’s presentation of “The Emperor’s New Clothes” must certainly be deemed a resounding success. Julie Lynn Joyce ’


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For the second year in a row, the badminton Warriors finished runners-up to a powerful squad from the University of Toronto. UW should be strong next season. They graduate only one player, Steve Hunter. Among the returnees are national-calibre athletes Keith Priestman and Jeff Goldsworthy. Priestman captured the Canadian intermediate singles title earlier this defeating Goldsyear, worthy in the final. : Priestman is currently making his debut on the ‘international scene, at the .a&England - championships at Wimbledon.

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The basketball Warriors finished fairly well placing third overall in the OUAA West with a 7-5 league record. They had a tough season, working with a lot of new men but came on strong on a number of nights to beat the league’s best teams. A good nucleus remains intact for next year: Cal Kiel, Paul Van Oorschot, Phil Jarrett and Bruce Breckbill should all be back as will several other Warriors. The Coach is “looking forward to next season.” The Athenas would probably rather forget this year’s 7th place finish. “We knew from the beginning it was a building year, and that it would be a tough season,” says coach Sally Kemp. * Looking ahead, Kemp feels, “we built our team and should have a pretty good squad next year. A lot of individual progress was made.” Most of the team returns, including co-MVP’s Beth and Jennifer Parsons was Russell. Russell named to the OWIAA 2nd all-star squad.





The Athena broomsters second in ended up Ontario, going right to the last straw in a well-fought , dual with Queen’s to Judy According

their mentor, McCrae, !‘The nu,cleus will be back, and we should be strong contenders again .. next year.” .

The Athenas wound up their season in fourth place in the OWIAA, just missing out on a trip to the nationals. Regarding tl leir expectations for next season, Coach Judy McCrae commented, “The majority of the team will be returning so bve will have a good nucleus. But I expect the league to be tougher. We will have our work cut out .” Amon returnees ---kg the will be Lisa Bauer and Jean

round choice of the Edmonton Eskimos. The Warriors will also be minus the services of Bill Boug, _the secondleading receiver in Canada in 1980. Boug is currently negotiating a contract with the Montreal Alouettes. Scott Startup will return to the BC Lion’s training camp, where he was the last Canadian cut in 1980, and corner linebacker Rob Sommerville heads for Hamilton and the Ticats. Graduating as well are UW Lineman of the Year Mike MacDonald-, Paul Geomans, and talented quarterback Bob Pronyk. It appears that the Warriors have some large pairs of shoes to fl11 next



Fiell d Hockey.






UW’S newly-formed skating team figure enjoyed their first season of success this, year, recording many pleasing results in the OWIAA finals held-in February. Jody Polec finished first iiri the senior interpretive event, MaryCook came second in the Intermediate Solo Dance, and the dance team of Bill Cross and Shari Mann took an overall third in the Ju’nior Mixed dance event. The rather small team, under manager Gina Gicavskas, will hopefully grow and repeat this year’s feat, to an even greater -extent. *

Football The football Warriors recorded a dismal seventh place finish in the OUAA. Coach Wally Delahey, however, emphasizes “Our record doesn’t depict our play. We just were not consistent enough to generate more wins.” Several standouts will be missing when UW begins football camp this August: linebacker Frank Kosec, Warrior MVP and the CFL’s number one draft pick, is heading west to Calgary; defensive end Rob Logan was a first -.




Ontario field hockey squad and co-winners of the Athenas’ MVP award.


improve record.









GY mnastics A diluted gymnastics team failed to place in the standings at the‘ . team OWIAA finals (most of the team was lost to co-op terms). However, individual achievements deserved honorable mention. Marg Lesperance regained the 1979 junior vault crown she lost to teammate Bonnie Cairns in 1980. Cairns, who competed senior this season, qualified for the CIAU champ_ionships in Calgary, placing 30th, but gained valuable national experience.

Hockey- L 80-81 finished



The golf team finished fourth :n its league also sporting some good tournament results, this year. They placed second in the Waterloo Invitational and fifth in the York invitational. In OUAA semi final play they ranked fifth again. According to Coach Carl Totzke they lose their two best players next year: Andy Bishop and Mike Moore (MVP), but have four or five freshmen to rely on who have showed well this year. “There will be some gaps to be filled next year” but if there is improvement on the squad things will look pretty good.

The Warriors


- hockey one of

their worst seasons of recent years, including a first-time ever-loss to the perennial cellar-dwellers, the Brock Generals. The poor 2-4-14 record was due mainly to the mostly rookie nature of the line-up, and an inability to scare goals. Coach Bob McKillop will be shopping around for the needed goal scorers in the off season to give next year’s crew a bit more punch. Next season’s play will hopefully showcase the talents we have seen this year: from the goaltending duo of Jamie Britt and Dave Barrett, to the defensive Danjoe McCormack and forward Don McLean. The team’s , transition from “rookie” to “veteran” and McKillop’s coaching ability will be tested in trying to capture another championship feeling.



The Warriors rugbY finished this year with a 2 wins, 4 losses, 2 tie season. The rugby league however was a tough one this year. In fact, the championship game went into four overtimes before a winner was decided! Next year ‘will be a rebuilding year in rugby, but according to Coach Derek Humphries, the team


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The men and women of the ski team posted 7th and 3rd finishes, respectively, in Ontario this year. Skier-coach Sylvia Ounstates, “It was Puu disappointing compared to last season (when they won the title). The other teams really improved, especially Western. And we had too many falls.” Nevertheless, Ounpuu comments, “We had good skiing conditions this year for meets, and it was an enjoyable season.” She predicts, “next season will be tough but we have the ability to do better. We had three rookies this year, and next year they will know the circuit better. Hopefully, we will get to train more next year (at Chicopee).” Honorable mention goes to Brenda Henry who placed third over-all in the slalom event.


by Virginia Butler Tammy Horne Paul Zemokhol will retain a good core of players to build from so results may be good. Rugby MVP this year is ’ Ian Cathral, no. 8, who continued on to play for an Ontario team that went to the Nationals’. Also successftil this year was the club team, the Trojans, who ended up with a 5-3 record.



The women’s Nordic ski team captured top honors this year in the OWIAA championship. The win was a vast improvement over last winter’s 6th place finish. members of the All winning team will be ‘returning so the squad should have another successful season. They are determined to defend their title. Their male counterparts place 2nd in the province. Next year they will be minus vet&ran Peter Piercy and coach Toni Scheier, and though some good skiers return, the Warriors have some holes to fill if they want to join the wonien at the top of the heap.

Running UW’s Harriers finished fourth this season, three better than their seventh placing of the year before. Coach Alan Adamson feels the runners have potential for further impro;ement in the future. The team has also enjoyed success on the track. Outdoors last fall, they placed fourth in the pro$ince. Not bad, but a bit disappointing. Coach Adamson expected they would place -higher, bit predicts “We should improve next year. We should have more distance runners.” Indoors, the UW tracksters were phenomenal, achieving - runner-up honours - in both the OWIAA finals and the CIAU meet at Saskatoon. Adamson comments, “I’m very pleased. It was an extremely good finish. Leslie Estwick was outstanding throughout the season in earning team points.”

Soccer The rookie Warrior squad certainly showed their stuff this season. After climbing through the regular season play, they reached the OUAA finals, where they lost 1-O to the cross-street Laurier Hawks, The Warriors have reached the final three out


3, 1981

of the past six years, but just can’t seem to make it any farther. With the team all returning and one year’s experience they should definitely challenge once again. Special mention should go to Tom Abbot who had a fine freshman year, being eventually named to the first OUAA all-star team. Coach Ron Cooper sums it up, “I’m looking forward to next year.”

Squash The Warrior and Athena squash squads did not “squish” many opponents during the past season. Commenting on a seventh place finish, Warrior Gord Willmot sums up the year. “It was a bit of a disappointment. We expected to do a bit better. We were missing two players at the finals. The team is young and the guys gained a lot of experience for next year.” The women’s season progressed along parallel lines. Missing two players for much of the season, the Athenas managed a mediocre fifth place finish, but benefitted in terms of player development for future seasons.

Swim Coach Dave Heinbuch the Warriors developed and Athena swimmers into quite a power this year. The group was very season, successful all winning several meets and finally finishing well in the OUAA’s, with several swimmers, led by Warrior Alan Swanston, making it to the CIAU’s. ’ Swanston picked up three silvers at the CIAU meet in Toronto by placing second in the 100,200, and 400 metre freestyle events. Athena Lynn Marshall picked up a third in the women’s 50 metre freestyle sprint while the men’s 4 X 100 freestyle relay team came in second for another silver.

Synchro The UW Synchro team, practicers of that little known sport (or should I say art?), came out seventh this season. The young team was up against experienced competition and perennial



powers, so their showing was quite respectable. Noteworthy: Carol Hutchinson placed 4th in intermediate fintires in the while OWIAA fin&, teammate Susan Fisher took 3rd in novice figures. This developing team should make a bigger dent next year as they’ll keep practicing at those bizarre hours in the PAC pool.

Volleyball In league play this year, the Athenas racked up 16 wins against 2 losses. In playoffs they went O-3. They were undoubtedly one of Waterloo’s most successful teams for 80-81. Coach Pat Davis sees things as being good for next year. Although the Athenas are losing league setter Jan Ostrom, who also happens, to be their MVP, the coach sees possibilities for their next season. With a small loss quotient, they’ll have lots to work with. The--- Volleyball - men came close -but no cigar. After a 7-3 season record and a second place finish overall, the mainlyfreshman team lost to the York Yeomen in the semifinals. Carrying nine rookies on a twelve man team could spell the end of any team’s playoff hopes. But not’s0 with the Dave Husson-coached Warriors though. The team has gelled under the on-court leadership of John Kervin and Peter Zagar, and have started to build a reputation for UW as a good volleyball school.

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Wmrpolo The waterpolo team made it into the OUAA finals in November to cap a highly successful year. Though they lost in the four-team fir&, their performance and final achievement were not a disappointment to anyone. It was the first time the Waterpolo Warriors had ever been to the finals and coach Lou Wagner was quite happy about their finish. The McMaster team retained the title they had held for years in the final. Next Wagner’s year, forces will again attempt to take the title from the established power.


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