04 01 16

Wonder Woman bakes to combat sexism >>See page 2

Hogsmeade holds surprises, attractions for spring >>See page 7

Tatooine tournament brings upset >>See page 12

Slytherin seeker to snitch on Headmaster due to unfair advantage John Soy Staff Clown HOGWARTS – Slytherin seeker Draco Malfoy glided triumphantly on his broomstick, gleefully flaunting the golden snitch he had just snatched to end the match. For a moment, he and his Slytherin teammates thought they had finally secured a victory over their arch rival Gryffindor.

But before Slytherin could commence a smug celebration, Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore rose to make an announcement, and everyone knew that Slytherin was somehow going to lose the match.

Dumbledore decided to change the point system for Quidditch. Catching the snitch would now only be worth five points instead of 150, he said.

Dumbledore also said that the new points system applied only to the match played between Gryffindor and Slytherin, giving Gryffindor an 80-65 victory against Slytherin.

See QUIDDITCH on Page 15

Volume 131 Issue 47

Mysterious man swings through campus early Thursday morning, March 31.

Plex Ahillips • The Daily Beacon

Spider-Man’s commute made easier by construction cranes Ted Hamstock Staff Dad Joke Though initially disappointed by his move to Knoxville, local superhero and arachnid enthusiast Spider-Man said his commute has been made much easier thanks the city’s never ending sea of construction cranes.

“I’ll be honest, my initial relocation to Knoxville was a really difficult one,” SpiderMan said, noting that the lack of any skyscrapers made his usual building to building swinging method nearly impossibly to travel by.

“Before the construction really picked up, I used to just swing in circles around the Sunsphere, kind of just hoping for some high level crime in World’s Fair Park,” the webslinging hero said. “After a while I just started taking web shots at people walking their dogs.

It’s definitely not a high point in my life.”

Thanks to the addition of UT and Knoxville’s many construction cranes, however, SpiderMan’s swinging commute has seen a dramatic shift. No longer restricted to one part of town, the Big Apple’s former web-head has now been able to enjoy his new found freedom across the city’s many construction sites.

utdailybeacon.com @utkdailybeacon

“Now that I’m able to swing between the city’s many construction sites, I’m mostly just focusing on any and all construction-related crimes in the city,” Spider-Man said. “There’s honestly not a lot of high level crime when it comes to constructing a new freshman dorm, but I’m confident something will happen if I’m patient.”

Commenting on their now permanent relocation to East Tennessee, long-time SpiderMan sweetheart Mary Jane Watson explained how she is readjusting to her new surroundings.

See SPIDERMAN on Page 3

Friday, April 1, 2016

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The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

THE DAILY BEACON STAFF

EDITORIAL

Editor-in-Chief: Jenna Butz Managing Editor: Bradi Musil Creative Director: Katrina Roberts Chief Copy Editor: Hannah Moulton News Editor: Tanner Hancock Asst. News Editor: Alahnah Ligon Sports Editor: Jonathan Toye Asst. Sports Editor: Taylor White Arts & Culture Editor: Megan Patterson Asst. Arts & Culture Editor: Michael Lipps Online Editor: Cara Sanders Asst. Online Editor: Millie Tunnell Photo Editors: Mary Kate Leitch, Alex Phillips Design Editors: Lauren Ratliff, Justin Keyes Copy Editors: Breanna Andrew, Sara Counts, Trenton Duffer, Courtney Frederick, Jared Sebby, Shelby Tansil Editorial Production: Laurel Cooper, Amber Dalehite, Rachel Incorvati, Caroline Norris, Cameo Waters Training Editor: Troy Provost-Heron

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CORRECTIONS POLICY: It is the Daily Beacon’s policy to quickly correct any factual errors and clarify any potentially misleading information. Errors brought to our attention by readers or staff members will be corrected and printed on page two of our publication. To report an error please send as much information as possible about where and when the error occurred to Editorinchief@utdailybeacon.com, or call our newsroom at (865) 974-5206.

The Daily Beacon is published by students at The University of Tennessee Monday through Friday during the fall and spring semesters and Wednesday during the summer semester. The offices are located at 1340 Circle Park Drive, 11 Communications Building, Knoxville, TN 37996-0314. The newspaper is free on campus and is available via mail subscription for $200/year, $100/semester or $70/summer only. It is also available online at: www.utdailybeacon.com www. w ww w..utd The Daily Beacon is printed using soy based ink on newsprint containing recycled content, utilizing renewable sources and produced in a sustainable, environmentally responsible manner.

Wonder Woman sells cookies at a bake sale to support Every Woman’s a Super Hero on Thursday, March 31.

Ameri-Cate Leitcherty • The Daily Beacon

Superhero bake sale battles gender inequality Gina Butts Staff Dropout For one superhero on campus, pay equality comes with more than a little cents.

Local super heroine Wonder Woman priced baked goods at $0.77 for women and $1 for men at the “Every Women’s a Superhero” bake sale Thursday afternoon.

According to the 2010 Census, for every dollar men earned, women earned $0.77, and Wonder Woman, junior in sociology and women’s studies, wanted to highlight this issue on campus.

“It really sucks that women don’t earn as much as men even though we kick some serious ass,” Wonder Woman said. “Literally. I fight crime after class.”

Inspired by other planets’ women’s studies programs that held a similar bake sales across the universe, Wonder Woman and her badass band of feminist females decided to hold one at UT to raise awareness about the gender pay gap.

“I don’t even get paid,” Wonder Woman

said. “I save the mayor and other city officials almost every other day, and the city doesn’t even pay me. Sure, I kind of have to do this job because I have powers, but I should get paid the same as Superman.

“He got a key to the city.”

Brenna Loots, sophomore in mathematics, agreed with the bake sale.

“I bought a couple cookies,” Loots said.

“I hope to make the same as a male middle school math teacher someday. Being in college, we don’t always realize that the workplace won’t treat us as equally as on a college campus.

“Well. Sometimes. My professors still give the football team higher grades even when they cheated off of me.”

Wonder Woman also made signs to advertise the sale in the weeks leading up. Signs read “You should be a CEO,” “$0.77 can’t even buy Cinnamon Twists at Taco Bell” and “He isn’t even worth $1.”

Feeling like they were being put down, men with the group “Men Have Feelings Too” came to the bake sale with their own signs. One protester in orange Crocs held up a sign that

read, “Make me a samwitch (sic).”

Hannah Monday, senior in childhood psychology, walked by the male protestors and yelled, “Nice ass, buttercup” even though the protestors had done nothing to provoke her comment.

Monday’s comment almost caused an altercation between the two factions when Cat Woman and the Green Lantern came to each side’s defense.

“I like making more money!” Green Lantern yelled across Pedestrian Walkway. “It helps me compensate!”

However, some women agreed with the men.

“I just really like making less than my man,” Super Girl said while on the arm of Robin. “It strokes his ego.”

Wonder Woman was unfazed by the critics though.

“Women deserve equality,” she said.

“Female villains make even less at $0.60, and that’s not fair because they work really hard too. Harley Quinn is an extraordinary super villain, and she deserves the same credit as male villains like Lex Luther.”

Editor’s note: All facts and quotes in this article are entirely fabricated, and any similarities to real people or real events is entirely coincidental. Happy April Fools’ Day!

CAMPUSNEWS

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

Goblins express frustration with Hogwarts diversity issues Bradley Muscles Staff Nag

When perusing the hall of a Hogwarts’ corridor, many are taken back by the stark lack of diversity among the wizarding schools’ students.

In a world comprised of ghouls, goblins, giants, trolls and even squibs, why is it that Hogwarts only permits a small minority of witches and wizards?

And, not only is Hogwarts only made up of witches and wizards, it boasts only a handful of nonwhite, non-cisgender and LGBTQ students. Its minority faculty percentages are even more problematic.

Charms Master Filius Flitwick is half-goblin, Argus Filch, the Hogwarts caretaker, is a squib and Rubeus Hagrid, the groundskeeper, is halfgiant. And, that’s it.

Over the past year, the school has made efforts to improve the situation, suggesting students remain conscious of their wizarding world cohabitants’ existence and reminding students that not all witches or wizards recognize holiday traditions practiced within the wizarding world.

Dolores Umbridge, Madam Undersecretary

in the Ministry of Magic, said these efforts to “dirty the wizarding blood” should better be spent educating students on good, pure-blood morals.

“It’s absolutely ludicrous that the students should be filling their little wizarding brains with such nonsense like caring about someone else’s species or heritage or whatever you might call it,” Umbridge, a half-blood herself who, while serving as a previous Headmistress of Hogwarts, was known for her cruel and unusual punishments and was generally hated by the student body.

“We can’t expect students from pure-blood families to have to worry about such things.

We need to be focusing on making sure those students feel comfortable and don’t have to worry about anyone else besides themselves.”

Some students have taken it upon themselves to speak out for the underrepresented populations at Hogwarts. Hermione Granger, a muggle-born witch, started the Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare, or S.P.E.W., in her fourth year at Hogwarts to fight for the equal treatment of house elves.

“It didn’t really work out,” Granger said, tucking a string of frizzy hair behind her freckled ears. “The only members were me and my two friends, Harry and Ron, and to be fully honest the house elves weren’t even fully on

board. They get very weepy if they think you’re trying to offer them a reward for their work.

“It’s a pity really how they’ve been conditioned to see themselves as inferior.”

One group that has remained absent from all conversations about improving conditions for non-wizards and witches, however, is goblins.

The strife between wizards and goblins has existed for ages, and the recently heightened tensions due to the diversity debate haven’t improved matters.

“Oh, it’s just so typical,” Griphook, a goblin who works at Gringotts Wizarding Bank, said.

“It’s not enough that they have their wands or their fancy robes and their pet owls or cats. They have to have their own castle, too.

‘Goblins can do magic on their own,’ they say, but why shouldn’t we have the opportunity to see what we’re capable of with lessons and wands? What’s so special about wizards anyways? Nothing.”

Currently, the Ministry of Magic is moving to restrict Hogwarts from ever permitting any non-wizard students. Any Hogwarts funds that would have gone towards initiatives to improve campus diversity are now being reallocated to Hagrid’s Care of Magical Creatures course that nearly killed several third-year students a few years back.

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SPIDERMAN continued from Page 1 “It’s been a culture shock to say the least,” Watson said. “I asked someone who this ‘Peyton Manning’ figure was the other day, and they pulled a knife on me.

“Still not sure what to make of that.”

Watson said that while the change has been difficult, she’s found solace in her twice daily trip’s to local restaurant Gus’s Good Times Deli. Watson said she has been suffering non-related weight and heart trouble in the time since she’s moved to Knoxville.

When asked about the impact Spiderman’s departure has had on the New York area, editor-in-chief of the Daily Bugle had only this to say: “GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN! IF WE CAN GET A SHOT OF THE GREEN GOBLIN IN A THONG WE CAN CERTAINLY GET A SHOT OF THIS WEIRDO! WHAT’RE YOU WAITING FOR, CHINESE NEW YEAR?!”

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The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

Q&A with First Order Commander, dark side enthusiast, angsty post-teen Haley Bolton Staff Hothead The Daily Beacon, using our various ties with the dark side, gained an exclusive interview with First Order Commander and President of the Darth Vader fan club, Kylo Ren. Haley Bolton: So tell me about what it’s like being part of the amazing universe of Star Trek?

Kylo Ren: Actually, it’s Star Wars.

But uh, it’s been an interesting experience. I’d have to say with that Rey girl and the TRAITOR (former stormtrooper Finn) off joining the Resistance, the First Order has its hands full. It’s nothing I can’t handle. Now that I’ve destroyed Han Solo and almost completed my dark side training — HB: Speaking of your father ... What was it like growing up as the son of Ham Solo and Leia Oregano?

KR: Well, first of all, it’s Han and Organa. And I don’t speak of that part of my life. But I will say this about my childhood ... Leia would always put my black robes — which I had made myself — in the washer and shrink them. And Han told never ending dad jokes.

HB: Wait, did you just say you made your own robes?

KR: I needed some darker clothes as I began to turn to the dark side. I based the designs off of my grandfather’s — HB: Wow, so even as a kid you were obsessed with Darth Vader?

KR: IT’S NOT AN OBSESSION, IT’S ADMIRATION. (I had to take a few steps back to avoid being struck by Ren’s swinging lightsaber.) Darth Vader was the greatest mastermind in the galaxy. He came from nothing and managed to rise to power and — HB: Alright, alright, geez. I get it.

The guy was cool. Back to you. Is your lightsaber supposed to look like that?

Or is it broken? What’s the deal with that?

KR: I made it myself. (He whips it out again. This time holding it still.

Thank God.) I took a cracked — HB: That doesn’t look stable. At all.

Are you sure it’s safe?

KR: It’s a weapon, it’s not supposed to be safe. It’s supposed to be used to cut down Jedi and — HB: Yeah, but like I feel like it’s going to backfire on you one day. And doesn’t your family have a history of being particularly susceptible to bursting into

Photo courtesy of IMDB flames?

KR: THAT IS A SENSITIVE TOPIC. HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY GRANDFATHER’S INCIDENT — HB: Woah, chill. It was just a question. But while we’re on the topic of injuries ... How are you holding up after your fight in the woods with Finn and Rey? KR: I’m fine. Finn was weak and not a challenge to take down. Rey is strong, but still, no match. I barely got a scratch.

HB: Really? Because it looked like both of them did a number on you. And isn’t that giant cut on your face from the fight?

KR: Uh ... Yeah, but it didn’t even hurt. I’ll get them next time. They won’t even be a match for me.

HB: But they weren’t even trained in the force yet. So don’t you think that the next time you guys face off that they’ll have more training and probably kick your ass?

KR: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY STRENGTH AND ABILITIES. I COULD KILL YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU LITTLE — HB: Yeah, whatever, Crylo Ren. (Note: This interview was cut short due to Kylo Ren’s inability to have a rational conversation. He now owes me a new recorder and camera.)

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

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The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

Dark Lord announces his run for presidency last June Cadie Roberta • The Daily Beacon

Lord Voldemort promises to make wizarding world ‘pure blood again’ Sarah Lukaz Staff Outcast What began as an outlandish public relations stunt has become a full-fledged political nightmare: the Dark Lord has embarked on a quest for the wizarding world’s highest office.

When Voldemort traded in his tattered black robe for an ill-fitting suit and announced his intent to run last June, wizards from Diagon Alley to Azkaban laughed at the absurdity of the Dark Lord’s proclamation.

However, despite this initial reaction, and after nearly 10 months of campaigning, Voldemort seems to have garnered support from Muggles and wizards alike. Campaign Manager Lucius Malfoy said success was inevitable.

“The Dark Lord’s accomplishments speak for themselves,” Malfoy said. “He opened the Chamber of Secrets as a mere teenager, he achieved immortality, he split his soul into seven pieces and he is responsible for the murder of many innocents. If that doesn’t say ‘elect me,’ I don’t know what does.”

Voldemort’s campaign slogan, “Make the wizarding world pure-blood again,” has triggered a variety of reactions within the community. Hermione Granger, a recent Hogwarts graduate and muggle-born witch, said she finds his slogan quite ironic.

“It is absolutely infuriating because Voldemort himself is not a pure-blood,” Granger said. “His mother was a witch, and his father was a Muggle. He’s a hypocrite, and also, he’s a murderous, misogynistic champion of evil. Let’s not forget that.”

Voldemort has made a lot of promises on his campaign trail, including plans to initiate “a total and complete shutdown of Muggles entering the wizarding world,” saying he will “build a great wall” to assist in his Muggleblocking efforts.

Voldemort also has plans to make a concealed carry permit for wands legal in all parts of the wizarding world and to increase the use of torture on political prisoners in Azkaban.

In his boldest statement yet, the Dark Lord claimed, “I could cast Avada Kedavra on people in the middle of Hogsmeade, and I still wouldn’t lose voters.”

As Voldemort’s public support continues to grow, Granger said she finds his immense following an incredulous phenomenon and offered her own theory to explain it.

“Both the policies in his platform and the things he says at his rallies are unbelievably outlandish,” Granger said. “I cannot understand why he still has so much public support.

“His supporters must have all accidentally snorted a large amount of Floo powder in the bathroom at the Three Broomsticks, because there’s no way this is really happening.”

ARTS&CULTURE

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

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Start spring off right with Hogsmeade trip No matter the season, Hogsmeade shops work to cater to the many desires of young witches and wizards who visit the village. At this time of year, the weather is warming up, and while a tall glass of butterbeer hit the spot this past January, a picnic by the Shrieking Shack may be more fitting for the start of spring. Check out all that Hogsmeade has to offer this weekend with some of these suggestions: Honeyduke’s Sweetshop End your day in Hogsmeade on a sweet note. Honeyduke’s is known as the go-to spot for even the most extreme sweet tooth. Taste some Every Flavor Beans or sample the more adventerous sugar-coated quills or exploding bonbons. However, be prepared for the crowd inside; this shop is never not packed.

Window shopping galore Stroll through this village’s charming cobblestone streets and enjoy the many sights it has to offer. You can count on Zonko’s Joke Shop’s windows being filled with the latest pranks and gag gifts that are entertaining and easy conversation starters.

Head toward Honeydukes and spend time picking out the most delicious looking sweet in the place for an afternoon snack.

Honeydukes Sweetshop Courtesy of Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Hogsmeade Challenge Two secret passages exist between the Hogsmeade village and Hogwarts Castle. The existence of these passages, let alone their location, is often hotly debated between students, but very few witches and wizards have found evidence of these alternate routes back to school. Rumor has it that the Weasley twins and their cohort Harry Potter utilize these pathways during their time at school. The only hint they gave to passageway hunters was to start by talking to the village bartenders.

Madame Puddifoot’s parlor Now that the snow has melted and you don’t need a fire whiskey to make a walk outside bearable, it’s time to leave the dingy interior of Hogsmeade’s pubs (Looking at you, Three Broomsticks and Hog’s Head). Instead, visit Madame Puddifoot’s tea parlor with a significant other or a group of gal pals. It may seem over the top when you first walk in, but look past the frills and potpourri and it’s a cozy sun room where you can sit and chat without having to make your own refreshments.

Shrieking Shack endeavor For the more adventurous visitors, take a hike outside the village up to the shrieking shack, one of London’s most haunted locations. Although a fence surrounds the perimeter and all entrances to the “shack” are boarded shut, sightseeing from a distance holds enough thrills for most. This property is less of a shack and more of a dilapidated mansion, and for those with a penchant for misdemeanors and mischief, it is a prime location for trespassing. Anyone who makes it into the shack will certainly leave with many tales to tell.

—

Mega Nosrettap, Staff Spiritual Guru

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VIEWPOINTS

The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

Here’s to the rebels Cadie Roberta Raven Thoughts

Nobody wants to be a Slytherin, and if you do, well, we know what group you REALLY want to be a part of (*cough cough* Death Eater *cough cough*).

Well, I just want to stop you right here, dear reader, before you invest too much time in this column. It’s only fair that you have a proper expectation about what you’re getting into — for your benefit and mine. So here it goes. I’m about to defend the most hated house in all of the wizarding world.

If you wanted to read yet another list about how awful Slytherin is and why only the bad seeds end up there, you will be sorely disappointed. BUT. If you have come with an open mind and the knowledge that there’s no way a fourth of the wizarding population is evil, then welcome.

Now, I will be honest with you. I’m not a Slytherin. I’m in Ravenclaw, but I do have several Slytherin friends and they’re tired of being stereotyped as evil. To be fair, there are some truly terrible people that have come from that snake-laden hole in the ground. That doesn’t make them all terrible people though.

(I will concede, however, that Draco is a foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach, but not because he’s in Slytherin. He just is.)

Every house has its terrible qualities as well as its bright beams of sunshine. Gryffindors are all stubborn jocks, but they do everything with the heart of a lion. Hufflepuffs may seem dreary and dull, but they are unmatched in their loyalty and selflessness. Ravenclaws HATE being wrong, but bet your broomstick we’ll figure out any problem you bring us.

And we all know what’s wrong with Slytherins, but what you don’t know is that Slytherins are fiercely loyal to their friends.

They’re smart and assertive, qualities that make them fantastic leaders. And green looks good on everyone.

While there are definitely some shady characters that have come out of the mysterious house, every house has one. Need I remind everyone of Peter Pettigrew? He was a literal rat.

And one of the kindest and bravest men that has ever walked the earth emerged from Slytherin: Severus Snape. How many other people do you know that would sacrifice their entire life to protect a child who hated them but could never tell the snot-nosed kid how much he loved his mother? Yeah, he’s a good guy.

Slytherins are also pretty brave. I know Gryffindors think they own that trait, but it takes a lot of guts to live in a dungeon and

“..I do have several Slytherin friends and they’re tired of being stereotyped as evil. To be fair, there are some truly terrible poeple have come from that snake-laden hole in the ground. That doesn’t make them all terrible people though.”

Nerd-ness comes in all shapes and sizes— including music. This playlist is made for you to rock out (and geek out) until your little nerd heart is content.

“The Joker” Steve Miller Band

“Holding Out For A Hero” Bonnie Tyler

“I Put A Spell On You” Bette Midler

“Star Wars Theme (End Title)” Galactic Empire

“Kryptonite” fearlessly chase your aspirations. And again, I would like to point you to Severus Snape, the man who lied for years and to one of the most powerful wizards in history, for the woman he loved.

It’s not fair that this one house faces so much scrutiny. There may be more bad wizards from that house than the others, but it’s not surprising considering how devoted Slytherins are to greatness. They strive for the best, and that’s a quality to admire.

There are good and bad people in the world, and it’s our responsibility to know the difference between them.

Always.

Cadie Roberta is a senior in Muggle studies and divination. She can be reached at croberta8@utdailybeacon.com.

Columns of The Daily Beacon are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Beacon or the Beacon’s editorial staff.

3 Doors Down

“Space Oddity” David Bowie

“Superstition” Stevie Wonder

“Do You Believe in Magic?”

The Lovin’ Spoonful

“Iron Man” Black Sabbath

“Bad to the Bone”

George Thorogood & The Destroyers

VIEWPOINTS

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

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Why can’t we be friends, Batman?

Dear Batty,

The Joker Give Me a Smile

I was going through my morning makeup routine and two things came to my mind.

First, my routine is getting more and more complicated each decade — don’t even get me started on the new tattoos, which are supposed to be more relatable to today’s audience. Second, I’m getting really tired of this very repetitive game of cat and mouse.

For example, you turn on the news and see that a hospital just blew up because of me.

Before you take action, your butler tries to stop you by giving a heartwarming anecdote about your relationship with the city and your parents. However, you obviously ignore the one person who cares about you, and take your Batmobile and try to find me.

A few shots of Gotham City and a seamless transition later, you find me. I say a few one-liners, which are followed by Hans Zimmer falling on top of an organ and creating what some pretentious film buffs like to call “a soundtrack for the ages.” Eventually, I escape, Alfred gives his I-told-you-so speech and we do the whole thing again the following week.

Listen, I’m getting exhausted just by read-

ing my own breakdown of our situation.

So, here is my proposition.

Instead of always meeting in the night, why don’t you take off your mask and hockey pants, and we’ll go get some churros with a side of orange juice tomorrow morning?

I want to get to know the real Bruce Wayne.

I wish I could take off my mask and show you who I am, but since I don’t wear one, I’ll be whoever you want me to be. I could be Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger. I’ll even turn into my animated self if you want.

Sacrifices play a huge part in friendship, and I know how much you like Mark Hamill.

Unfortunately, I don’t think it will be possible for us to ditch our personas of vigilante and villain. Since reboots are the hot trend, every six or seven years they will ask us to come back, and we’ll to do the whole fan service act once again.

But until then, you can be Tom Cruise and I will be Renee Zellweger. You can be Leonardo DiCaprio and I can be Kate Winslet.

And if not that, let’s just be good friends.

Love, The Joker

“I want to get to know the real bruce Wayne. I wish I could take off my mask and show you who I am, but since I don’t wear one, I’ll be whoever you want me to be ” The Joker is a prominent Gotham villain.

He can be reached at thejokerlovesbatman@ gotham.gov.

How I learned to love Luke Skywalker Adventures in Space

I knew there was light in him. We had at least one common goal, after all: overthrow the Emperor.

I grew up unbeknownst of my origins, of my sister, of my father, but learning all of these things strengthened my goal to defeat the Emperor and retrieve Anakin Skywalker from the Dark Side.

I had feared Vader at first. It wasn’t until Master Yoda’s training in Dagobah that I realized I was a reasonable opponent to Vader as a Jedi. That remote world of swamps and trees swallowed my X-wing, but it helped me train in the ways of the Force.

Master Yoda said I would find what I sought in the Cave of Evil. In it, I discovered the passions of the Dark Side. I confronted and defeated an illusion of Darth Vader and found myself under his mask. I realized then what I would become if I succumbed to dark forces.

My training was interrupted when I sensed Han and Leia were in danger and sought their rescue, though Master Yoda would have liked it if I stayed. His concerns weren’t misplaced. I fell into the trap Darth Vader set for me on Cloud City.

I fought Vader for the first time with Anakin’s light saber — a gift from Old Ben

“Darth Sidious would have been my demise if I wasn’t right about Anakin... He showed me his love - his light - and redeemed himself as Anakin ” Kenobi. Both Master Obi-Wan and Master Yoda always feared I would be seduced by the Dark Force if my father’s identity was revealed, but I was not overcome by emotion as my father was as a Jedi.

I’ll never forgot what Vader said to me that night.

“The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.”

I was defeated in that moment, but one hand down and one year later, I was confronted by my father once more, along with the Emperor. Darth Sidious would have been my demise if I wasn’t right about Anakin. He was still there, under the dark mask of Darth

Vader. My father destroyed the Sith Lord at the cost of his own life. He showed me his love — his light — and redeemed himself as Anakin.

It took me several years and even more losses to finally witness the light in my father. Seeing that light helped me realize how thankful I am for him. I love my father, Anakin. He will be missed by many in the Galaxy.

Luke Skywalker is a sophomore in Classics. He can be reached at lskywalk25@ deathstar.edu.

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ARTS&CULTURE

The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

Opinion: a hero or knight?

Peetrick Cages Superhero Strategy It’s perhaps the greatest debate of modern times: is Batman a superhero or just a regular hero?

Let me try to start this off as unbiased as possible. There are basically two schools of thought. On the one hand, you have people who view Batman just like any other superhero, a savior to many who sacrifices his life to dutifully save whole cities from their counterpart super-villains; on the other hand, you have people who say that although Batman is a great guy who certainly saves people and can be considered a hero, he doesn’t have superpowers and therefore cannot be considered a superhero.

Okay. Fair warning: this opinion article is about to become heavily biased.

To say that Batman is merely a hero, completely rejecting his status as super, is unreasonable, unfair and un-insightful. Let me make this clear: just because two compound words have the same first part, doesn’t mean that they are synonymous. Batman lacking superpowers does not make him any less of a superhero.

Let’s define the word “hero.”

According to Webster Dictionary, a hero is “a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities.” The word “super” means “extremely good.” So let me ask you this: is Batman extremely good at being someone who commits brave acts and has fine qualities? Let’s see: saving the city of Gotham over and over again while maintaining one of the strongest recorded moral compasses for someone in such extreme situations, while still watching out for the little guy? I would undoubtedly say yes, he is

a superhero.

Still not convinced?

Consider the new Batman movie. He is put up next to a fellow superhero, undeniable by any standards of the word, Superman. The title “Batman vs.

Superman” suggests that the two are equal matches, not one superhero and another mere hero. Although I haven’t seen the movie yet, one can presume that the two are at odds, and that wouldn’t be much of a fight if one weren’t a superhero. If we can’t logically connect the two when an entire movie is based around their shared superhero-status then what do we have left in this world?

For the stubborn readers out there, let me make one last argument.

One of the last defining (albeit superficial) qualities in a superhero is his or her notoriety. In other words, public perception helps shape who is and is not a superhero. I would venture to say that most comic book readers and moviegoers consider DC Comic title characters to be superheroes. For public awareness to be so in favor of Batman’s status as a superhero means that he gains credibility in that arena. So at the very least dissenters are in the minority.

So while you may still think I’m wrong (although I hope you don’t), you should know that Batman is still your superhero, whether or not you accept him.

“He’s the (super)hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.” - Lt. James Gordon.

Peetrick Cages is a junior in comic book theory. He can be reached at pcages100@dccomics.edu.

D’an and the Nodes play at the Mos Eisley Cantina in Tatooine.

Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore

D’an and the Modal Nodes plays the Mos Eisley Cantina Mega Nosrettap

Staff Spiritual Guru

In the case of Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes, they make a very loud one. D’an and the Nodes played at the Mos Eisley Cantina on the planet Tatooine this past Wednesday night to a rowdy and diverse crowd.

As a planet known for attracting traders and vagrants from across the galaxy far, far away, Tatooine hosts a highly variable crowd of characters, from Wookies to Rodian bounty hunters. Although this nearly corruptive amount of diversity and cultural exposure may appear morally harmful and unsafe, what transpired on Wednesday night’s performance proved the opposite.

D’an and the Nodes kicked off the show with a fan favorite — “Mad For Me” or the “Cantina Band” song. This band’s seven man setup revolves around their horn section, which is formidable, due to their specialization in jizz (an upbeat, swinging style) and jatz (a more smooth style) music.

The band members all black performance wear seems to suggest a morose mood, but instead the members kept the beat bumping and the Jawa Juice flowing at the bar.

As members of the Intergalactic Federation of Musicians, D’an and the Nodes made their cohorts proud with

their masterful manipulation of the drunken crowd into comfortable mingling.

A slight glitch in the night occurred when two suspicious looking characters at the bar caused a scuffle. From their entrance into the cantina when they tried to bring in droids, the mood turned sour, but the band played on in an attempt to smooth over the unsavory humans’ entrance.

Within minutes, the younger of the pair picked a fight with a regular cantina patron and wouldn’t back down. When the patron’s friends stepped to his defense, the old man accompanying the young aggressor pulled out a laser-like sword and decapitated one of the patrons.

The unsheathing of the laser-like sword (we will call it a lightsaber) caused silence to fall over the cantina for the only time that night, but without missing a beat, D’an and the Nodes took this pause in stride and struck up “Cantina Band” once again.

When the two troublemakers finally left the bar in the company of a Wookie and a smuggler, the band’s leader Figrin D’an bought a round of drinks for all in attendence, ensuring popular success that night.

Overall, while the Mos Eisley Cantina didn’t see Figrin D’an and the Nodes’s best work musically, it saw the best of them personally when the musicians made the best of what could have been the worst situation.

SPORTS

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

NETFLIX PICKs

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Around Rocky Top

of the day

I know I gave Luke daddy issues. Everyone loves to remind me, but being an absent father messed with me a little too. Do you feel like your kid hates you too? Then here’s some of my favorite movies and television shows to either let you wallow in your sorrow or bring some sunshine to that rock you’re hiding under.

-Darth Vader, Father of Darkness Like Father, Like Son Honestly, this one makes me tearyeyed. It’ll have you questioning whether you deserve your son — even if you’re an A+ dad.

Daddy Day Care I want to be Eddie Murphy. He can relate.

His son loves him, he ignores his son, but he eventually abandons everything for him. *Sniffles*

Bruce Banner forgets to drink his morning coffee, and has a meltdown at his local gym.

Dusty Lox • The Daily Beacon

American Dad! At least I’m not stuck with that guy’s family. He’s trying too hard. But he has an alien! Let’s be friends!

How I Met Your Mother Luke, I think we need to talk about your mother.

Gilmore Girls I want to be the Lorelai to your Rory.

Isn’t that peak parenting? Shouldn’t we all strive to send our kids to Yale and find love in a grumpy diner owner?

Hercules It’s the story about a boy just trying to find where he fits in — with his family. I’m trying to connect with you, I like to think you’re trying to connect with me. Let’s go the distance.

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The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

“

SPORTS

Boy beats longtime champion in intense pod race Alotta Mignon Staff Rookie Several racers from the Outer Rim and beyond lined up for the annual Boonta Eve Classic on Tatooine yesterday. Bets were riding on all of the racers, but few could have guessed the winner of last night’s race.

Anakin Skywalker, a local slave, took the win yesterday and stole the title from the most nefarious of pod racers: Sebulba.

Thousands of spectators from all corners of the Outer Rim Territories bet in favor of Sebulba, including event sponsor Jabba the Hutt.

The crime lord expressed his frustration with the young boy’s unexpected win and shared the consequences the boy may face as a result. “Mee have put do bounty on doe nyse’s head,� Jabba said. “Skywalker will nopa cross myo path again.�

Skywalker experienced a bad start when his custom-built Podracer stalled at the beginning of the race, offering the

boy a significant disadvantage from the start.

The stall gave belligerent Sebulba the opportunity to get a lead on the other opponents.

In the first lap, the Gran Mawhonic displayed he was a reasonable adversary to Sebulba but was defeated after crashing into one of the vicious rock walls on the track.

Mawhonic was not able to be reached for comment.

Sebulba maintained the lead by obliterating several other racers before young Skywalker eventually raced into the third lap.

Skywalker and Sebulba raced neck and neck for most of the third lap as the boy raced through damages to his pod.

The not-so-fierce Sebulba was ultimately defeated after crashing into the desert sands just a short distance from the finish line.

They won’t-a get away with this. The Jedi’s mind tricks didn’t work on me-a, but they worked on the race, and I a-lost my bet and the slave boy in the process.�

Watto, Local Junk Dealer

Sebulba reported his pod got tangled with Skywalker’s and reassured fans that the wreck was not a reflection of his skills as a Podracer pilot. “The slave scum wrecked my pod and stole my title,� Sebulba said. “He should have been Bantha poodoo!�

Watto, a local junk dealer and owner of the slave boy, bet against his slave and claimed Jedis from beyond the Outer Rim were the reason for his loss. “They won’t-a get away with this,�

Watto said. “The Jedi’s mind tricks

didn’t work on me-a, but they worked on the race, and I a-lost my bet and the slave boy in the process.�

The mysterious Jedi in question was discovered to be Qui-Gon Jinn, who was stopping on Tatooine for parts to his ship when he met Skywalker. “Pod racing is very fast, very dangerous, but the force is strong in young Anakin,� Jinn said. “We had no doubt he would win the race and aid in our return to other parts of the galaxy.�

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PUZZLES&GAMES

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

13

NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD • Will Shortz ACROSS 29 “Mum’s the word” 1991 Scorsese/ 31 Little, in De Niro Lockerbie collaboration 32 Cross collections, 9 Something e.g. exciting to play 33 Roughneck’s with workplace 15 Fragile fabric 35 It’s in the far made from northwest certain plant fibers 37 Product of Greek culture?

16 Tough leather 38 Moderately dry 17 Amscrayed 39 True 18 One getting lots of take-out 40 Splitting words orders?

41 “Mr. ___” (Styx 19 Edward VII or VIII, hit) in India: Abbr.

42 Blow hole?

20 ___ nullius 45 Winner’s prize on (no one’s “RuPaul’s Drag U” property) 46 Gap fillers, of 21 Pioneering sorts labor leader Samuel 47 “My response was …,” 22 Was suddenly informally successful 24 Nullius ___ (of no 48 “Grey’s Anatomy” actress with five legal force) straight Emmy 25 Like NSFW links nominations 26 Kennedy and 50 Hands on deck Bush 41, but 51 Hand wringer’s no other U.S. cry presidents 28 Chuck 52 Flip S T I F L E M R R O P E R P O G O E D W A Y A B O V E L O U N G E A U N T I E E M A M A Z O N V I N E E T N A Y E N I T A I S P Y A H O O P O L I T I C O S O P H N O B U T S V A Y A A I R S H E R O I N Z O O L V U L T U R E G A W K E R D O S T G I C H E I L K S C R A S H S I T E S S A I L B O A T E A S E U P C R E A M P I E E X A R M Y S E R B I A N D E N N Y S 1

dadoodlydude •Adam Hatch

Cartoons of The Daily Beacon are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Beacon or the Beacon’s editorial staff.

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Broccoli bit Like pain after treatment, often Nails Stop sign?

Unwanted attention Checks out Adds with a whisk Makeshift coaster, maybe

Reason to hold your nose

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2/2, to Toscanini

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Key-ring ornament

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Demolition cleanup machine

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___ Barber, fivetime Pro Bowler from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

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Like some legal decrees

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Gen ___ (millennials)

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Yellow-flowered plant producing a sticky resin

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Chicago Fire’s sports org.

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Noisy recreation vehicles

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Blanket

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“Uh-huh, I believe that”

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Owl’s hoot, to some

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“Hold your horses”

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Pomeranian, e.g.

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Forgo a night out

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Cross words

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His wife and sons were Depressionera criminals

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Trifle

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Org. in the gulf war’s Operation Granby

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Couple taken out on a rainy day

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SPORTS

The Daily Beacon • Friday, April 1, 2016

Clark Kent speaks to the press during a recruiting visit to UT. Cadie Roberta • The Daily Beacon

Smallville footballer Clark Kent visits UT John Soy

Staff Clown Five-star athlete Clark Kent enjoyed his weekend visit to Tennessee, saying the trip was “exciting” and “wonderful.”

“It was really exciting to see Tennessee,” Kent said. “I had a wonderful time meeting the coaching staff.”

Kent, who is the No. 1 player in the country according to all major recruiting services, said the Tennessee coaches mainly discussed how they would use him if he committed to Tennessee.

“They told me my talents were other-worldly,” Kent said. “They were really impressed with my 40-time, which was a 0.02 I believe, and they were astounded I could bench press 225 pounds an infinite number of times. The coaches told me that those numbers were just super.”

Kent said the coaches haven’t decided what position they want him to play in college, but the Smallville, Kansas native is open to playing any position.

“They said that with my speed and strength, I could literally play any position,” Kent said.

“They told me I could be an excellent quarterback, running back, wide receiver, tight end, offensive lineman, defensive end, defensive tackle, linebacker, safety and place kicker.

“It’s honestly just what position they need me in the most. With my stamina and versatility, I could even play on both offense and defense. The coaching staff told me I could be the first player in Tennessee history to be AllSEC as a defensive tackle and wide receiver.

It’s exciting to think about.”

However, there is one position Kent won’t be playing at Tennessee.

“I asked if I could be the starting punter as well, because why not?” Kent said. “They showed me Trevor Daniel’s punt from the Georgia game. There is no possible way I could ever be as good at punting as him. That dude is a stud.”

Kent said he plans to commit to a school before signing day, but he doesn’t have a list of favorite schools yet.

Kent also said he isn’t sure if he is even going to play football. He is ranked as the No. 1 basketball player as well, and holds offers from Kentucky, Duke and Kansas.

“My parents don’t even really want me to play sports in college,” Kent said. “They said I shouldn’t show off my talents to the world and that I should keep all the stuff that makes me awesome to myself. But my dad also said I should have let a bunch of kids on a bus drown in the river instead of rescuing them so I am taking everything he says with a grain of salt.

“I might just write for the Daily Beacon. I like journalism.”

SPORTS

Friday, April 1, 2016 • The Daily Beacon

15

The Gryffindor team unbelievably wins against Slytherin on March 31.

Cadie Roberta • The Daily Beacon

QUIDDITCH continued from Page 1 The majority of witches and wizards in attendance accepted Dumbledore’s decision because he is the only person You-Know-Who fears.

Malfoy, however, told reporters after the match that Dumbledore will be sorry once his father Lucius Malfoy finds out.

“We will take it, I guess,” Gryffindor seeker Harry Potter said. “It’s nice to know my boy Dumbledore has my back.”

Dumbledore said that his decision had noth-

ing to do with his fondness for Potter, but because he thought the previous point distribution system for Quidditch was “really stupid.”

“You could have a Quidditch team full of allstars, but it doesn’t matter if the team’s seeker is a (expletive),” Dumbledore said. “I mean a seeker gets 150 points for catching a flying tiny yellow ball? Please, tell me how that makes any sense at all. Ninety-nine percent of the time, matches come down to who has the best seeker, reducing the way more exciting action between the chasers and the bludgers to a side note.

“I mean seekers aren’t even the most talented players on the pitch. All they do for most of the match is fly around in circles. Why do they get

to determine the outcome of a match and get all the glory? I mean, I guess you could say they have good eyesight, but the chasers are way hotter, er, I mean more athletic than the seekers.”

Dumbledore’s rant intensified. Transfiguration Professor Minerva McGonagall attempted to placate Dumbledore, offering him a sherbet Lemon, which Dumbledore gracefully accepted.

“I am sorry I lost my temper there, but I just had to get that off my chest,” the Headmaster said. “There is a lot to love about our great wizarding world. Even Quidditch is wonderfully conceived, but the point system sucks and I just thought Malfoy catching the golden snitch was a golden opportunity to change the rules.

“Is there anyone who actually likes that guy?”

Head of Slytherin Severus Snape declined to issue a statement on the rules change, saying he didn’t watch the match because he was concocting ways to punish Potter for insubordination in his Potions class.

He did say that while the result was disappointing for his house, he ultimately was too depressed about his awful life to care about a Quidditch match.

“Lily Evans, the only person I ever loved, rejected me and married my nemesis James Potter,” Snape said. “Why in the world would I give a damn about Quidditch?”

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The Daily Beacon â&#x20AC;˘ Friday, April 1, 2016