COMMISSIONING Dr. Love handles all your burning questions The LOG Interviews Brigid Byrne
The Very Best Recycled Material that was in last issue!!
THE LOG
VOLUME 90, ISSUE 5 MAY, 2013
Pleber See, Pleber do....
Staff Editor-In-Chief
Contents 4
Out with the Old, in with the New
8
Salty Sam
Executive Editor
11
Hot or Not
Managing Editor
12
What Kind of Mid Are You?
Klepto-content editor
14
Dr. Love
Art Editor
18
10,000 Words
Erin Devivies ‘16
20
Who’s Salty Sam?
Contributing Editors
22
The LOG Interviews Brigid Byrne
Officer Representative
25
The Best Gunnyisms from Worden Field
26
The Lord of the Stripes
28
Horoscopes
Michael Ebeling ‘15
Salty Sam Salty Sam ‘14
Lindsay Boyd ‘14
Dick Wheeler ‘16
Hannah Bobell ‘15
Matthew Brook ‘15
Photography Editor
Meg Delage ‘15
CDR Leigh, USN
Principles of The LOG
Visit us online at www.usna.edu/thelog or email us at Saltysam@usna.edu
The LOG magazine is a 32 page, monthly publication produced by and for Midshipmen. Found within is a satirical compilation of real and exaggerated news articles, editorials, advertisements, cartoons, and more. It provides an outlet for your creativity, artistic ability, comedic talent, and (maybe) critical-thinking. The opinions expressed herein are those of LOG staff members, and in no way reflect those of the Department of the Navy, the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, or the President of the United States. We do not intend to undermine the Mission of the United States Naval Academy, or by extension, the Constitution of the United States. Our goal is to reveal Academy life as observed by Midshipmen, and to deliver a publication that is truly their own.
F
rom the
Old Top
“I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.” - Patrick Henry When I showed up at the front gate with my papers in tow, sporting my short haircut and a tan, I would never have thought I would be writing one of these letters. This is that “goodbye letter” that every editor or senior writes to their graduating class, telling them that “the sky’s the limit” and to “reach for the stars” and what not. This is also where I’m supposed to offer some sort of poignant advice to the underclass about how to succeed and to keep your head up because you will one day be in my position. You too will be leaving, as most graduates do. Life changes fast. Life changes in an ordinary instant. As I sit on my sponsor’s couch, cross-legged with my Apple laptop (sorry, Dells), writing this supposedly motivational musing, there is one word that truly comes to mind in all the tumult of the impending few weeks: change. It’s such a wonderfully monosyllabic, simple word, change. Yet, unpack it, and you find it is perhaps the most difficult and most exciting word in the English language. As a fervently enthusiastic English major, I am a words person. Most people do not like change; it denotes an aggressive shift in what we as Midshipman find an inconvenient direction. Personally, I hate most change. I’m one of those people who orders the same thing off the menu at a very select group of time-tested restaurants. I eat the same breakfast every day (yogurt, strawberries, and two hardboiled eggs), and I get upset when King Hall gets crazy. This year was the Year of Change. Becoming a Firstie is a shock. All of a sudden, you have a certain degree of control over how things are done, and you begin to realize that you have an immediate influence on people’s times and lives. I would be naïve, especially after being on Brigade Staff,
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to say that I have ever had total and complete power over the Brigade. However, we do have a lot of control over our surroundings, and that was something I took for granted for a long time. I had (and still probably have) some large delusions of grandeur when I arrived at the Academy. A very smart 2/C pointed out that every incoming Midshipman wants USNA to be Camelot, but when it inevitably does not measure up, we become cynical. But what’s interesting is that even though we gripe, complain, and curse this place as much as we do, hardly anyone leaves of his or her own volition. I learned a lot of lessons on restriction and met a lot of new people. There is a strong argument to be made that of anyone in the Brigade, they would be the most likely to curse the institution and have the biggest drive and desire to leave. However, the converse is true. These are the people desperately trying to hold on to what they have. Some have nothing left to hope for but the mercy of the Superintendent or the Commandant. Not a particularly pleasant place to be. And I realize that there are a variety of reasons for that stemming from the financial to the long process of applications. But when we sit down and are honest with ourselves, and ask ourselves the hard questions, we find that we cannot imagine ourselves in any other place. As I approach graduation, I like to think about how I would have ended up if I had gone somewhere else. My Plebe Summer roommates will tell you that I really disliked Plebe Summer. My most poignant Plebe moment was on a particularly crappy day, I opened my closet, and yelled into it as loud as I could, “I should have gone to insert civilian school here!” If this were any other institution, what would we do if we were that cynical? We’d leave. But so few do. Why? Because deep down, we all think that this place is a halfway decent institution that can better us so we can better others. Because it was never about us to begin with.
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
I am not going to delude anyone reading this into thinking that after graduation, life will be so much better, and the world will be filled with sunshine and rainbows. On the contrary, for most people, it will be very very blue or very very underwater or very very TBS. (That is, unless you’re a pilot. I have nothing bad to say about Pensacola.) Work will be hard. Days will be long. I harken back to Plebe Katie one more time, with her big dreams of “doing something bigger than herself ” and “wanting to change the world.” I am not saying that everyone has to change the world or that everyone has to be a submarine captain or a jet pilot or even stay in longer than five years. However, I am saying that perhaps now is the time to break out of the hardened survival shell that we have built up for ourselves and start being a little naïve again. Start reinvigorating that innocence and be excited about what is to come, what knocks on fate’s door. The etymology of the word change derives from the late 13th century, meaning “to become different.” However, it took on a notion of evolution from the Irish world kemb, meaning “to bend or lean.” Anyone who has been following the news has some semblance of an idea about Sheryl Sandberg’s new book, Lean In. And while some lessons need not apply here, one that I think we can all take away from it is that men, women, and everything in between should strive to be their most authentic self in the workplace and at home. That way, everyone has a fair turn to be as great as they please. Embrace what’s coming. The greatest results in life are more often attained by the simplest of means. It is through the exercise of ordinary qualities of common-sense and perseverance. Questions like “Can Women Have It All?” and “End of Men?” confuse me. People are not meant to have it all. We are meant to make choices and see where life takes us. And it is certainly not the end of men. We are missing the point. The formula for sure-fire failure is trying to please everyone, trying to do it all yourself, and operating under the arrogant
assumption that you are better than everyone else. You can’t, you won’t, and you’re not. So as we look to the future, and embrace the inevitable change and evolution to come, act with open eyes, but wake up the young kid that showed up on I-day. Revitalize that need and desire to be the best and to work towards a better tomorrow. Because the most important change is not the change that you accept, but the change you work towards. It’s the change for the good that you inspire in the lives of sailors and Marines. That is what we’ve been working toward, that is why we stay, and that is where we are going. Do great things, ’13. I’ll see you in the Fleet. Very Respectfully, MIDN Katie Davidson The LOG Editor-in-Chief 2012-2013
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
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F
rom the
Brigade,
New Top
I am the great and powerful Log Editor-inChief. King of the Catacombs, Ruler of Rumors, master of m...ok ok I can’t do this anymore. I mean I’m following in the footsteps of Katie Davidson. She was an English-major-varsity-athlete-striper-Marshall scholar(!!!) And I, a humble Youngster and group 1 at that. It’s amazing I can even speak cogently let along use the word “cogently” properly. What business do I have being the LOG Editor-in-Chief if not only that I was picked by the LOG oracle, Mr. Chuckles the clock? After some soul searching and a playlist that consisted mostly of Toto’s song “Africa,” I came up with a few things I got going for me:
day. 6. Purple bathrobe, check.
It is, in all seriousness though, humbling to be at 1. My time as a Plebe with carry-on (“Youngster”) the helm of this truly legendary magazine. We’re currently celebrating the 100th anniversary of the has made me wise to the ways of the Academy. For instance, I can now spot an officer on stribling LOG’s founding, a feat which is significant given before entering the main stretch and know to add the number of red-ink marks we get from the Com1 hour for however long a Forrestal is supposed to mandant’s office. Past editors have worked tirelessly to build and then from time to time resurrect this take. great Naval Academy tradition. My hope is that I, 2. I live in 7th Wing so I haven’t seen anyone more your humble editor, can continue to deliver you a well-deserved break from the rank and rigor of Naval senior than a LT since I-day. Academy life. With that Brigade, please enjoy your 3. I have a strange and rather uncanny knowledge magazine. of popular culture from 30 years ago. But, then Very Respectfully, again, so did that drunk driving comedian... 4. My dad went here, so I have the sense of entitlement required and an inherited black-N to boot. 5. I observe comb-over Wednesday through Tues-
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MIDN Mike Ebeling The LOG Editor-in-Chief
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
Dear Editor,
Dear Editor,
Why do bad things happen to good people?
-4/C Troubled
Dear 4/C Troubled,
Will the themed issues continue? -2/C Curious Dear 2/C Curious
Maybe those good people should have been trying to be GREAT people. That’s what my leadership book says, at least.
You must understand nothing original has been written about the Academy since 1972. So we’re kind of like COSMO, minus the sex but all of the flair. -The Editor
Dear Editor,
-The Editor
Dear Editor, So is summer training actually happening? -4/C Worrywort Dear 4/C Worrywort Summer training is a state of mind. Maybe that state is California, but most likely it’s Maryland. Either way, thank your lucky stars it’s not Norfolk. -The Editor
Why can’t we have “remove before flight” tags anymore? -1/C Broviator Dear 1/C Broviator Perhaps, and this is just a speculative fact, we’ll soon be able to fly, hence we’ll need to remove the tags. Small price to pay don’t you think? -The Editor Dear Editor,
Dear Editor,
What is COSMO?
What do stripes feel like?
-4/C Fourthclass
Dear 4/C Fourthclass, Remember the first time you put on your whites and you were like, “Neato!” but then you realized everyone else had them and it wasn’t that big of a deal? Yeah, kind of like that. Beats being a plebe though...
-3/C Manlimanican
Dear 3/C Manlimanican, COSMO is the quintessential women’s magazine such as may be found in your average dentist’s office. My sources inform me that women “read” this and use it as a basis for major life decisions. A word of caution: much like Medusa, any man to gaze directly at an issue will turn to stone. It’s best you not worry too much about it.
-The Editor
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-The Editor
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Salty Sam Well I can hardly believe my eyes. It seems like only four years ago that class affectionately known as ‘13 entered the halls of Bancroft. Sure, Salty’s seen his fair share of classes, but this one had a whole host of characters unrivaled by any recent class. The legends will surely never die of the hermitted one in 7th wing, or the Bancroft book bandit – the not-so-mysterious force behind the vanishing textbooks. Surely, though, as the LOG looks back at this 2012-2013 year, we can thank ‘13 for another wonderful year here together. It started well enough with a trip across the pond. Surprisingly, even after a few Irish Coffees and Guinesses, nothing went catastrophically wrong. Come to think of it, the Brigade really went global this year. There was Gagnam style, @ Navy videos, Cynical Mids, and My Life is Mids. Gagnam style made the Today Show–that’s right– Al Roker was talking about us. And @ Navy Videos recently made the rounds on the Huffington Post, so we’re trending somewhere between political scandals and Sloth videos. Kudos Brigade, Kudos. You’ll have to forgive Salty, but in the midst of all those watches he had to stand this semester he’s sort of lost track of everything else. Somewhere in there was croquet (which we won?!?), but my memory is a bit fuzzy. Salty’s excited about this whole COSMO business, because this one goes out to all you unsung heroes of the Briagde – the female Mids. They put up with a lot this year, the least of which was foresaking those quaint bucket covers. Salty thinks you all deserve this as much as, say, a tea party at the Supe’s house. But don’t feel left out all you male mids. I’m sure the Supe just forgot to invite you, or didn’t think you’d enjoy a quick spot of tea.
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Maybe he’s waiting to invite you to a manly Mid party. Where you can smoke your pipes/ cigars, drink manly drinks in a room with fine wood panelling and walk around in smoking jackets while talking about the stock market. You know, manly man stuff.
“A manly Mid party.” And even if the Manly Mid Party doesn’t pan out, we can all look forward to summer training this year. What we thought was going to be a dismal year may just be the best yet. Sure, 200 Mids did the Summer Training shuffle when they found out their LSAP was canceled, but aren’t they the lucky ones? So all you Y.P. Warriors out there should be excited to see where you may sail. Could it be Charleston? New York perhaps?
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
In a sense, and by that I mean every sense, no. You see, like the LSAPs, all Midshipman will be encouraged to spend as much time at the Academy as possible this summer. Most of you only get 4 years here, might as well live them to the fullest by spending every waking moment here until you start counting the ceiling tiles. It’s nice to see the Academy stressing leader-
“Two finals for the price of one” ship again. Especially in the form of Leadership 1 (NL 110), which was clearly the better of the two classes. For those of you unaware, someone gave some gouge that was suspiciously similar to the test. And apparently Luce Hall thinks that class important enough to warrant not just one, but TWO finals. That’s right, two finals for the price of one class. Never was there a better deal since they allowed the class of ’43 to graduate early (although that inevitable senioritis in 1944 didn’t really pay off in the South Pacific). Nevertheless, I’m glad to see the leadership department teaching the subject the right way, straight from the book. Salty’s glad to see the Sequestration didn’t do all that much. Research from an Ops-Research capstone will show that Tuesday and Thursday are clearly the least messy of days, so garbage pickup is now more efficient then ever. Unfortunately, Ward Hall seems to be taking the same approach as Melwood with regards to spam emails. Granted, it must be really costly to stop all incoming emails regarding Liberty Coal. Congratulations to the Plebe class. This year’s class has the distinction of having the-mostcarryon in the history of the Academy. Salty only wonders, how will this class be prepared for Youngster year, if they’ve already had it? Everyone knows Youngster year is only supposed to last one year, or else the cynicism takes over and you start smoking and then you wake up one day at 0515 for tours and look at your half-shaven face and ask yourself, “Why?”
The upperclass need to help the plebes for a “smooth transition” to Youngster Year. If not us, then who will teach them how to nap and do stupid things on Friday nights? One parting note as we go off for summer leave: Salty is sincerely sad to see the Arctic Wolf Dant go. As much as Salty enjoyed using and reusing all the bald jokes and sub jokes, and the bald sub jokes, it comes time to end another era in USNA history. We had our fun making fun of him, but even Salty respects the time and work he put in on the Brigade’s behalf. So congratulations all around to new assignments, new lives, and new beginnings. And if you firsties ever come back, which will be some-
“A smooth transition” time between when hell freezes over and when King Hall makes good Chinese food, Salty’ll be here, like always. Unless the AC goes out, then he may just go to San Diego. Yeah, on second thought, he’ll be in San Diego. friends, ‘14
Stay Salty my Salty
P.S. Be sure to send all of your rumors, inquiries and humorous stories to Saltysam@usna.edu
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
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The Firstie Bucket List By: Katie Davidson ‘13 Log Editor-in-Chief Emeritus
10. So what exactly is Grad Ball? Is it like Ring Dance? 9. Survive the Color Parade. Would not like to repeat the Plebe Summer Battalion Commander incident... 8. Turn 22. T-Swift made 22 cool. 7. Number 7 is just drilling holes. 6. Cut my long sleeves off my blues for my super cool Navy football game outfit next year. 5. Yeah, so about that capstone.... 4. I’M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! 3. Smash my Netbook office space style. 2. Go to ALL the graduation parties! 1. Shake Obama’s hand, snatch my diploma, and run off the stage. ALL THE WAY TO GRADUATION, YA’LL! Upon further review, tests conclude that Net-books are actually as indestructable as cockroaches, and have about as much computing power as them
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THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
HOT
NOT
Summer Whites on men
Summer whites on women
Getting the civilian girl to ask the SEAL Admiral for a weekend
Asking the SEAL Admiral for a “sea story”
Asking your plebe if he is excited for Herndon
Facebooking a plebe saying, “I just couldn’t wait till Herndon!”
Drinking at your dining out tastefully like a sophisticate
Being so drunk at your dining out that you end up smelling worse than after the PRT
Being on the front of Glamour
Getting your name yelled in Goat Court every night
Getting up promptly with your alarm and turning it off before it wakes up your roommates
Sleeping through your alarm until your roommate wakes up and throws it across the room
Playing piano mysteriously in Smoke Hall
Blowing Vuvuzelas at 2200
Bucket Covers
Mushroom Hats
Sharing cookies with your company
Being the Company 1st LT and making them march tours
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
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W h at k i n d o f M i d a r e y o u ? 1. What do you wear out on liberty? a. Chubbies b. A tasteful set of slacks/skirt c. I don’t rate that! 2. It’s Buff Chick Day. a. I’d better not… It’s not good for my figure and I only have 7 months till the PRT. b. I like Buff Chicks c. If I eat two now, I probably won’t get sick if I have another one for a snack to night… 3. What are you doing on Sunday night? a. All the homework I neglected all weekend. b. Making sure my uniform is properly pressed. We have a school day tomorrow. c. Walking Dead, baby. 4. You catch a plebe on CMOD playing Temple Runner on his phone. You… a. Ask him what level he’s on. b. Tell him that this is not acceptable and that you’d better not see it again. c. Get his name and alpha. He’s going to receive a very disgruntling email about a conduct offense in the near future… 5. Your sunglasses are a. Aviators b. Plastic c. Oakleys 6. What did you/would you ask a plebe on his/her Pro Board? a. What nationality is the current pope? b. What is your spirit animal? c. What is the range of an M16? 7. At night, your footwear of choice is a. My Nikes b. Flip-flops c. My bunny slippers 8. Summer school? a. No way! I have leave. b. Mandatory. c. Voluntary. I really need to get ahead in my matrix… 9. How many stripes do you have/will have? a. 1-3 b. 4-6 c. MIR. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
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THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
10. What does your CQPR say about you? a. Whether or not I have summer school. b. Whether or not I can go pilot, I guess. c. My value as a human being.
Now
score yourself. If you answered…. 1. a.-1 b.-3 c.-2 2. a.-3 b.-2 c.-1 3. a.-2 b.-3 c.-1 4. a.-1 b.-2 c.-3 5. a.-2 b.-1 c.-3 6. a.-2 b.-1 c.-3 7. a.-3 b.-2 c.-1 8. a.-2 b.-1 c.-3 9. a.-2 b.-3 c.-1 10. a.-1 b.-2 c.-3
If you scored… 1-10 points, you’re a… Well, “slacker” isn’t the word I want. “Slimy” doesn’t cover it, either. You have a good grip on the reality of life and value the quality of what you live rather than what you achieve in that time. You are a great friend, a passionate lover, and probably damn good at ultimate Frisbee. This test isn’t to knock you—it’s to help you know yourself. And you probably get a lot more enjoyment out of life than these other categories, my friend. Just be conscious that you put in what you get out. Choose what is important to you and go do it. The rest? Well, as you probably know, are minor details. 10-20 points, you’re just kind of an average Midshipmen. Nothing wrong with that. The middle of the pack is where it’s safest to be, right? You know how to have fun but you also know when to buckle down and do some honest work. You have just the right balance of work ethic and perspective to be enjoying life today and tomorrow. You know who you are; keep up the good work. Don’t be afraid to be daring once in a while, though. Fortune favors the bold. 20-30 points, you’re a motivator, motivator, downright dedicator! Ooohrah! You’re a stickler for the rules—the perfect, model midshipman. Your work ethic is sterling and you are a real force to be reckoned with both in the classroom and on the sports field. While you may be stuck in Bancroft every weekend studying, your hard work will pay off in the end. You have huge goals; never let anyone take those from you. Just be careful about selling your soul to this place. Life is meant to be lived, not tolerated. Try to be spontaneously crazy once in a while and do not be afraid to establish meaningful relationships, even at the sacrifice of a bit of your time.
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They call me Dr. Love By: Dr. Hannah Bobell ‘15
Oh, l’amour. Spring has sprung. Birds are chirping. Those summer abs are being sculpted in Mac D… Tis the season of twitterpation, and with a sunny day and a fresh feel, it’s time to get out there and be fabulous! We all feel it, people. Even though that crush of yours says he’s “too busy” because he’s got that “honors major thing” or that she’s not interested because you don’t “bathe” enough, we all know that these are just excuses. Why not show them your true spring fling? Take some advice from the experts!
If your lover to be wears the same uniform: —If you’re thinking about that Nimitz coffee date, forget about it. That is so last fall. Why not ask the mid of your dreams to look at something NEW! Or… really old, but new to us. Take him or her to the 1812 exhibit up in the Hart Room. Not only will the extremely high and superfluous walls provide that extra private aura, but all of the air conditioning has also been rerouted to cooling off the tourists. Something about “building character” with 90 degree classrooms or something. Your date will see you as the King of Cool. —The Trident light is the place to be. Have you even seen the Great Gatsby trailer? The green light is what it’s all about. —Summer school is for lovers. If you’re down and out for this academic year and are
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just looking for a “thing”, why not sign up for summer school? I mean, you’ll be here, she will be here, and honestly you really don’t need those four hour naps every day. Love has been known to blossom everywhere from romantic evenings plebe-watching to those lazy afternoons at the Gate 8 Pool. So get your creep on and stalk your class on MIDS now! —Go for a sunny run over the bridge and magically “twist an ankle” in that cute little park area. Not only will her misjudgment of you being a meathead be dispelled when you make it all the way over the bridge, she will get to see your soft, sensitive side as you tell her how embarrassed you are and hate to seem “weak” in front of an “impressive young woman such as herself ”. —Keep your spirit up, but don’t be too oohrah. “Strolling” into her third deck company area every night for a week? Too obvious. “Happening” to run into her every morning at the fruit line? Golden. —Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Yea. Buy her diamonds. —If you are a female mid, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Remember, in their eyes, “You’re not a girl. You’re a mid.” Some fab spirit gear and a curling iron do wonders to debunk this myth. —If he pulls the whole, “I don’t have time” thing, ditch him. Honestly. There are 3,500 others and he lives two hallways and a flight of stairs away from you. Have some pride,
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
woman.
schedule.
—If your arms are bigger than his, it’s a nogo. There will be issues.
—Talk about your National Defense Service Medal. Try to use a phrase like, “I’m not the hero my country wants… I’m the hero it needs.”
—Watch for the smooth talker. The whole “one in the hall, one over the wall” deal is running rampant these days. No. It’s not okay. —Put lots of cute pictures of you in civilian clothes on your cork board and then ask for him to come help you with homework. Girl, you are a BOMBSHELL. There is no way he’s going to miss those! —Be daring with your nail polish. Seriously. It gives you a rebellious persona, and who doesn’t like the bad girl? Is it skin tone? Um…I once had a bruise this color. —If you are a 3/C who gets invited to Ring Dance, there will probably be the sneaking doubt in the back of your mind on whether or not your date really wanted to ask you or just procrastinated too long to get a civilian date. Don’t ask. You’re going to ring dance.
If you are looking for a “townie” —Get a group of your buddies to sing her a smooth round of “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.” So classy. Works every time. —Whites. Whites, whites, whites, whites, whites. If you show up on the first date wearing those bad boys, I’m not sure who would be more impressed, the girl or her mother. —Don’t talk about your lifting schedule. For the love of God. Don’t talk about your lifting
—Take her to a brigade function—I-Ball, concert, etc.—and show her off to all of your friends. Make sure your plebes see you and order them around a bit just to prove that you have authority. Not only does it do wonders to your own confidence, but she will also be impressed by your command voice. — Recreate that scene in “Officer and a Gentleman”. In whites. But remove your cover indoors. The moment will be completely ruined if the SEL reems you for improper wearing of the uniform. —If you’re a female, DON’T TELL HIM YOU GO TO THE NAVAL ACADEMY. Be subtle. Let him figure it out himself and then marvel at your audacity. —Go somewhere where you can wear civvies. Period. Please do not try and impress him with mess dress. Unless you have a service dress tiara. —If you are in uniform, make sure he notices your shooting ribbons. You ain’t that dumb bimbo in horror movies who dies first because she can’t figure out how flip the safety on a pistol. He will be impressed. —Tell him you are “married to the sea.” It makes you seem romantic and elusive. You can call me Dr. Love.
THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
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An Officer and a Gentleman… By: Ms. Hannah Bobell ‘15 One Mid’s Experience with Navy Chivalry
Gentlemen of the Brigade, Please let me get you in on a little secret: We can spot you. Yes, you. In the cargo shorts and polo. Or the North Face jacket. With the three on top and two at the sides. Yes, you—the one in the Sperries. You try to hide, but it is far too easy to pick you out in the crowd. You may think that you are incognito whenever you go out in civilian clothes, but, trust me, mids spend enough time around other mids to be able to spot most of you from a mile away. Now, I’m not trying to stereotype. Not all of you are that easily pinpointed. But it is just sort of a fact of life that men of the Brigade are must easier to spot than women of the Brigade when trying to “blend in” with normal society. The reason I am even addressing this is because of a little incident that happened to me and a friend of mine over last summer. Not only did this encounter shock me, but it really made me muse over the true definition of an officer of “punctilious courtesy” and “refined manners.” Here is my story. My best friend and I are casually strolling down the street. It is a normal day on summer school liberty. Iced coffees, long walks, and deep conversations about life, the future, and our frustration with boys end just about every golden evening. We are walking on the right side of the road. A young man, who is walking on the opposite side of the street going the other way suddenly glances over, turns around, crosses over to our side, and begins to beeline our direction. At first, I wonder if there is something wrong; the urgency and directness of this stranger’s path is quite intentional. He approaches my friend first. He is wearing a buttonup shirt in a nice, bright shade of summer that reminds me of those little orange candies that my grandma used to give me along with khaki cargo pants, flip-flops, and an expensive-looking pair of Oakleys. Both my friend and I knew almost instantly that this kid was a midshipman. “Excuse me,” he says. “I’m sorry, I don’t normally do this. You are just… So pretty.” Aw. How adorable. But then he wheels around and looks at me. “But YOU. You are breathtaking! I just had to come talk to you.”
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Ouch. Start your pickup line off by springboarding off my friend? I honestly have never seen that one used before. This guy seems like he is really sensitive and emotionally attuned. I suddenly notice where his eyes are. Granted, he was rather short, and I am rather tall, but I began to get a little uncomfortable. My face is up here, I found myself thinking. Please, talk to my face. This guy is a real winner. He continues talking: “Yeah, I go to that big school over there.” He points in the direction of the Academy, trying to make his bicep as noticeable as possible. Ok, that’s strike three. I wink at my friend, and if you’ve seen the “Messin’ With Sasquatch” commercials, you know exactly what kind of look I was giving her. I put on my best “cutsie girl” voice. I’m actually quite good at it; it’s not hard. “What?” I asked sweetly. “St. John’s?” He chuckles, but I can tell that he is crestfallen. “No! The United States Naval Academy.” “Oh my God!” I cry. “No way! Isn’t that, like…the military?” He flashes me that million-dollar smile. “Yea. I mean, it’s what I do.” “Isn’t that dangerous? Do you, like, fire guns and stuff?” How many times can I fit the word “like” into each sentence? I wonder. My friend is just trying to keep a straight face. “Oh, all the time,” he says. “And do you, like, get to drive boats and stuff?” “Oh, of course!” He puffs his chest up a bit. “You see those yard patrol craft over there? I captain one frequently…” Oh, this is priceless. I bat my eyelashes a lot and shift my weight back and forth from one side to the other. I am wondering if he was really buying this, but I’m not about to stop now. This was just too classic. “Wow, that’s so cool!” He flashes that smile again and brushes back his hair flow casually. “But, enough about me. What about you ladies? Why are you here?” I stumble, but luckily for me, my friend is one smart cookie. “We’re from UCLA. We’re here visiting my aunt.” I just smile my plastic, saccharine smile as hard as I can
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and nod. “What a coincidence!” he grins. “I’m supposed to be in San Diego training right now, but (And, no joke, this is a direct quote.) luckily for you ladies, I can be here hitting on you instead.” I don’t know how I am not losing it right now. I swallow the laughter building up in my throat and manage to force out, “Oh, lucky us!” Apparently, this guy isn’t too familiar with sarcasm because he didn’t seem to be phased. “So, you got a number or something?” I am going to stop my story here. For those of you who want to know, I gave him a stupid name (Georgia Smith or something… I forget.) and told him to find me on Facebook. This may seem a little harsh and cruel. Yes, I do understand. I was not honest and I was absolutely manipulating him in everything I said. However, in light of these confessions, I tell you this story to make a point. He thought we were civilian girls. This, of course, is always flattering, but the exchange really struck me hard… This is truly how this midshipman treats women? Using
the Academy as some sort of accolade to make himself look good? Albeit, he could be on the rifle/pistol/YP squad, but… Really? I guess I always saw movies like An Officer and a Gentleman and I had some sort of ideal about what a Naval officer is supposed to be. I remember coming here for the first time as a high school student, looking up at the mids and thinking, Man… I want to be like that. This kind of an encounter not only shatters my illusion, but it really disappoints me. Why can’t we be people of punctilious courtesy? What ever happened to chivalry? To finish my story, this particular individual caught sight on my friend on the Yard while she was in uniform. Outside, in the middle of everything, he yelled some very obscene and disrespectful things at her. A real catch, right? I don’t know who this guy is, nor do I really want to. I’m just saying—guys and gals alike—be careful of how you treat people. You never know. One of them might end up being an editor for a certain satirical magazine and end up writing a story about you.
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10,000 And he stuck the landing!
2-for-1? That’s what i call a SWO-PPORTUNITY
Those sig figs will get you every time
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Words
The Black Lung. Every final exam has someone with it.
What, I ran last month!
Exclusive footage from inside every murder board ever
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The Case of Salty Sam Who was it? On a dark and stormy night, not too different from any typical night in Mother B here by the Bay, the Log Staff sat down to try and get to the bottom of the question which, for decades, has eluded the Brigade: WHO IS SALTY SAM?
Was it Hannah Bobell?
Was it Dick Wheeler?
Dick Wheeler could be Salty Sam. What else would he do with all that free time he accrued with the generous carry-on he was given? Then again, he also spent a year at college, and presumably spends his weekends reenacting his favorite memories from real college in his room by himself. But wasn’t he that one plebe who did that one thing that got everyone IT’d over Plebe Summer? And why didn’t he have to retake his leadership final like everyone else? Questions abound
Was it Kyle Hatcher?
Hannah Bobell could be Salty Sam. She’s going to France next year, which gives her just enough time to lay low while the questions are being asked. She’s also written like, half of this issue, which of course means she’s hiding something. What we should ask ourselves is, who is the real Hannah Bobell, how many are there, and how do we stop this species of humanoid fencing enthusiasts from taking over the world? Seriously, once we find out who Salty Sam is we should really stop them.
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Kyle Hatcher could be Salty. The Log staff hasn’t seen him in a few years, and we presume he’s transcended to the other side – of the wall that is. Kyle was always the kindred spirit of The Log, and we still have his collection of mystical African voodoo dolls. And everyone knows being a Company Commander is just a front for second semester firsties to slack off, so his excuse of being 21st Co. Commander doesn’t really serve him well. Why was he running an outer the other day? What was he doing in whites today? We may never know for certain.
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was it Mike Ebeling? Mike Ebeling couldn’t possibly be Salty Sam. He’s a youngster first and foremost, and being Salty would cut into his precious napping time. Though perhaps by being Salty he could achieve true Youngsterdom and reach the levels of inner slovenliness required to go on Protramid. Then again, what is he hiding underneath that bathrobe? Certainly not PT gear like he always claims. Then again again, he’s also a group 1 major, and everyone knows they avoid writing like the plague. No, Mike Ebeling will never be Salty.
Was it Katie Davidson?
Was it Colonel Mustard, with the candle stick, in the Catacombs? Come to think of it, it’s always Colonel Mustard. Literally in every game of Clue it’s alwasy him sticking his mustache where he shouldn’t. Maybe it’s that dastardly yellow ascot of his, but I don’t trust him. He’s probably not Salty Sam, but next time something goes wrong or missing around here, don’t say Professor Plumb and I never warned you.
Katie Davidson is probably Salty Sam. After all she was the editor last year. And she has the perfect alibi of being a Marshall scholar-varsity athlete-Honors English-Brigade Adjutant-Editorin-Chief-restrictee. It’s the perfect disguise so she’ll blend right in and still have plenty of time on her hands. But we’re on to her; she can try to hide among the Midshipman in rank all she wants but she’ll never be able to run away from one thing: her height. Suddenly, as we were putting the final pieces together of this gripping mystery, the lights went dark. A scream was heard down the hallway. We weren’t really sure what that had to do with us so we sort of forgot about it and called the mate to take care of things. Then we realized there was no mate in the catacombs. Oh well, I suppose we’ll never know who
SALTY 2013!!!
was.....................
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Everything you ever wanted to know about the new dant (but were too afraid to ask) Editor’s Note: We, like most Midshipmen, avoid officers as much as possible. Hence, when we found out our new Dant has a daughter who’s a firstie, our loop-hole senses were tingled. Here we proudly present 1/C Brigid Byrne, on the subject of her father.
The Log: Where is our new Dant from? Brigid Byrne: Pacifica, California. It’s near San Francisco. TL: So how long has your dad been in the Navy? BB: All his bloomin’ life… Well they just had their 25th reunion, plus his NAPS years, so 26 years. TL: Why did he come to USNA? BB: Well, his parents were Irish immigrants and he really only came to USNA because he got a chance to play football in college. He actually didn’t know anything about this place until he got here. TL: What position did he play? BB: Quarterback. TL: What was his major? BB: Political Science. He just kind of got by academically here. He was really fortunate to have some help from the PE department and coaches, so he really knows what that struggle is like. TL: Where did he meet your mom? BB: Well her, her grandpa, and her brother were all USNA grads as well, so they met here. TL: What did she service select? BB: She was also really enthusiastic about going SWO. In those days girls were more encouraged to go restricted line, but she really just wanted to be on the water. She
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really paved the way for us girls. TL: What year did he graduate? BB: 1987. TL: What is his service community? BB: Surface Warfare Officer. A lot of times you look at leaders on the yard and they are the biggest advocates for their service. I just don’t think that people have a positive look on SWOs, and so I’m really excited for my dad to come in because he’s really enthusiastic about SWO and he’ll make it seem really cool. TL: Favorite color? BB: Navy blue and gold. That’s something he would say. TL: Favorite snack? Byrne: Heath bars. No—Butterfingers, actually. He’ll eat anything you put in front of him. TL: Favorite TV show? BB: This is kind of sad, but American Idol. He and my mom watch it like religiously. They’ll even call me up and say, “Brigid, what do you think of so and so?” and I’ll have to tell them, “I don’t know, I don’t watch that show!” TL: What’s the quirkiest thing about your dad that comes to mind? BB: As far as dads go, he is a very cool guy; youthful, fit, very cool…but he still thinks it’s acceptable to wear a fanny pack. We’ll be going out to an amusement park or something, and he’ll have on his cool sunglasses, and his cool shirt, and his cool Nike shoes…and then a fanny pack. He really likes the utility aspect of the fanny pack; he just doesn’t realize that wearing one is no longer socially acceptable.
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The Log learns how to: Lead Tours
Step 1: Get in a really old and antiquated uniform that serves no purpose like those colonial tour guides
Step 2: Change into summer whites to avoid heat stroke
Step 3: Undercut Visitor Center by offering Free “Midshipman Reality” Tours
Step 4: Gather a sufficient group
Step 5: Always tell the truth – “No one has thrown a penny at Tecumseh since the Vietnam War because we realize he is, in fact, a bronze statue.
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SEQUESTRATION MAN
Not the hero bancroft can afford, but the hero it needs
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The Top Gunnyisms of the year As we bid farewell to our favorite gunnery sergeant, whose tour here draws to a close, we recall some of his former eloquence:
14. this here’s new stuff, straight outa the box 13. essecute sharp 12. Ain’t nobody see ya 28th/29th/30th Company 11. we goin go ‘round like NASCAR 10. You will not sing the hip-hip horray! 9. Open your faces, and scream the ditties
Gunny is not impressed
8. You got a leadership position next year? No? Good 7. Betta be Sippin water 6. betta be whippin um up, wippen up down 5. first shot...........................................nineteenth shot 4. 29th Company, is he new? it shows 3. Get it back, 1st Reg/2nd reg 2. This ain’t Afghanistan 1. ‘Bout to be like Gettysburg up in here, gonna slaughter all y’all THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
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The LORD of the STRIPES Six Stripes to rule them all, Six stripes to find them, Six stripes to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...
By: Hannah Bobellshire ‘15
It began with the forging of the Great Stripes. Three were given to the Company Commanders; the wisest and sometimes last resort. After all, you just need a body to wave the sword up and down during parades. Four, to the Battalion Staff, great secretaries and dwellers of the deep Battalion Spaces. Five, to the Regemental Commanders, the lofty, ethereal beings that plebes are told will come collect their soul in the night if their racks are found to be shirt-stayed. And six. Six were given to the Brigade Commander, who all else desired power… For within these Stripes was the authority to govern over each midshipman in the Brigade. But they were all of them deceived… For another Stripe was made. In the Dant’s Office, in the fires of the Administrative Spaces, the Commandant of Midshipman forged in secret a master Stripe to control all others. And into this stipe he poured all of his motivation, his strict order and discipline, and his will to eliminate all flair. One by one, the bros of the Brigade fell to the power of the Great Stripe. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of restrictees and Black Ns marched against MIDREGS, and under the watchful eye of Gunny in Smoke Hall, fought for the “free vibes” or the Brigade. A point seemed to be made, but the power of the Stripe could never be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that MIDN Bro lit up his Yankee
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candle... And, well, we all know what happened yet. He got fried. That’s what. What did you expect? Something epic? Anyway, back to the story. It betrayed MIDN Bro, to his maxing out on restriction. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two whole years, the Stripe passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came and an upperclass lost a bet and the Stipe ensnared a new bearer. The stripe came to the creature, a plebe, who took it deep into the sanctuary of his team locker room, where it gave him the ability to take long naps and miss any sort of plebe obligation. For an entire semester, it poisoned his mind, and in the smelly gloom of the locker room, it waited. Bitterness crept back into the Brigade and morale began to drop. Rumor grew of the great sequestration, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Great Stripe perceived. Its time had now come. It abandoned the plebe. But then something happened that the Stripe did not expect. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a Youngster, chilling out, doing his thing, and completely ignoring the fact that he had homework. For the time will soon come when there Youngsters will shape the fortunes of all…
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HOROSCOPES With the great and mystical Hannah Bobell ‘15
Scorpio (October 23–November 21) You know that friend who is always telling you how awesome you are? Well…let them butter you up. You really don’t give yourself enough credit. Quit comparing yourself to other people and appreciate the fact that you are here in the moment and that your life is pretty darn good. Sure, the Chinese food is pretty disgusting and your feet fall asleep during parade practice, but at least you’re not flipping burgers at some fast food joint run by a communistic clown. You ARE awesome. Now look in the mirror and say that very loudly to yourself, preferably when your roommates are in. It will spark some interesting conversation.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21) You’re a real go-getter—that much is true. A genuine, bona fide motivator. Unfortunately, you might get a little frustrated because people slimier than you are getting the positions you want. Take heart! Your hard work will pay off in the end. While “that guy” in your company might have just finished Assassin’s Creed III, your thermo grade will end up serving you much better in the future.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19) Yes, you’re smart. We get it. But once in a while, you really need to tailor your conversation to include the general population. (Yes, aero majors, I’m talking to you.) Your logic may make sense to you, but most of us will get kind of fed up with black holes if that is what is going to dominate the conversation. Try and branch out a bit. For everyone’s sake.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18) You might want to batten down the hatches, Mr. Wayne. I know that you want to fight this battle, but believe me when I say that this petty issue will create more enemies than save friends. Whether it’s a debate over Miranda Rights for terrorists or whether or not Twilight is legitimate literature, just keep your mouth shut and wait for the storm to pass. Treasure your opinion, but keep it to yourself. This is not a battle you want to fight.
Pisces (February 19–March 20) Pisces, you are fine! Today is going to be a great day! Don’t worry about getting that paper back or whether or not you can get one of your buddies to give you a ride this weekend—things are looking to be in your favor. Be careful not to be blinded to the needs of others, though. If you fail to recognize in your opulent happiness that you have a shipmate downtrodden by life, you might have a future mutiny on your hands.
Aries (March 21–April 19) You’re kind of in a rough spot, aren’t you? It seems that no matter what you do, you just can’t win. Be bold and honest with yourself and with others. You really can’t make everybody happy. With that off-period you have, go to WAVES and get your head deep conditioned. These little moments of heaven are essential to our survival.
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Taurus (April 20–May 20) Stand up for your rights! Seriously. If you don’t say something, no one else is going to. Quit being a doormat for injustice. There is no time like the present, my friend. Can you really ride this issue out until the summer? Or would you like to make a difference with your life? Grow up and be the person you want to be.
Gemini (May 21–June 20) You are in a glass case of emotion. We know. And we also know that you feel like no one notices or appreciates you. The sandal/black sock combo was a dead giveaway. You may be feeling lonely and misunderstood, and that’s okay. Everyone has those days. Some more than others *coughcoughGleeClubcough*… But anyway. Go to that pretty/handsome girl/guy and ask them out to coffee for a good conversation. Call up a friend and do a little emotional decompression. When the mean man punts Baxter, you have to make sure that you have a solid news team to watch your back. Things tend to escalate quickly around here.
Cancer (June 21–July 22) All you have to do is dance. Honestly, Cancer, you are fidgety and already checked out for finals. These last two weeks are going to be TERRIBLE for you. So be preemptive! DO THAT EXTRA CREDIT because I guarantee you’re going to want that cushion, no matter how many times you tell yourself that you’re going to “buckle down” this semester.
Leo (July 23–August 22) I understand you’re usually an easygoing person, Leo. Today just isn’t your day. You have put up with an ENTIRE SEMESTER of this bull, and it’s pretty obvious that you’ve had it up to here. You might want to take a Zen run today instead of going to ultimate Frisbee. For the intermuralhero’s sake and your own sanity, avoid situations where you might be provoked.
Virgo (August 23–September 22) Stay away from Leo, my friend. While chaos is erupting around you and terror reigns in the Brigade, you probably have no idea what is going on and are as cool as a cucumber. Keep it that way. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, right? Dant’s call? No problem. Parade? An opportunity to enjoy a beautiful spring day. Physics final? Well… We’ll get back to you on the positives of that one.
Libra (September 23–October 22) You are one sneaky little midshipman. Yes, you usually get away with “influencing” others to get your way, but beware. You’re not the only alpha dog on this campus, and there are some fiery personalities that might just burn you right back if you’re not careful. Stop trying to manipulate things and just go with the flow today. Whether or not the odds are in your favor, I promise that everything will work itself out. Whether or not that involved you getting that PROTRAMID switched to west
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What Takes the Wind out of my Sails By: Dick Wheeler ‘16 –This whole uniform changeover thing and then the day after the weather goes to chilly. I bet some unspecified people in certain positions are snickering at us… –Parade in crazy humid weather. Never again. –Training staff who insist on harassing the plebes this late in the year. If you haven’t got your kicks in yet out of the plebes, it’s too late. Just stop. Nobody likes you. –How the Brigade Commander insists on almost singing every command during formations/parades. –THOSE PEOPLE WHO STILL INSIST ON WALKING THREE ABREST AND SLOWLY!!! I HATE YOU. –People who only workout their upper body every day while their neglected legs look like twigs. It looks goofy more than anything. –People who complain about PRT standards being too tough. We go to a military school. What did you expect? –Big papers. The ones you and I both procrastinated on until the week before finals. Those suck. –People who cut on the morning coffee line. It’s early, I haven’t had my coffee yet, and you are gonna have a bad time with me staring at you. –Upperclass on proboards who try to find ways to fail the plebes. Why? You were plebes once, too. I know all of you weren’t golden on your proboards. –Those people in second reg Goat Court who yell “GILLLLRRROOOOOYYYYYY!!!” at like 2200. Seriously. It was worth a chuckle a while back, but now you are just annoying. If this is you, on behalf of everyone else who lives here, please stop.
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The LOG would like to thank former VADM Sagerholm, class of 1952, for treating us to a nice dinner and some
From left to right: Matt Brook ‘15, Katie Davidson ‘13, former VADM Sagerholm, Lindsay Boyd ‘14, Mike Ebeling ‘15
great stories from the good old days of the Academy. THE LOG | COMMISSIONING 2013
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THE LOG
VOLUME 90, ISSUE 5 Move ‘em Out
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