The LOG Vol. 91 Issue 4: NARPs Illustrated

NARPs Illustrated p. 10 The LOG Interviews Scott Strasemeier p. 16 Navy Football: A Softer Side

THE

LOG Of the U.S. Naval Academy

MK. 91, Mod. 4

p. 18 NARP Olympics: Annapolis 2014 p. 26 The Gunnery Sergeant Hunter

WINNER! WINNER! LOG Date Dinner!

Louis Wohletz ‘17

’ n i k a e r B g n i Spr

Staff Editor-In-Chief Michael Ebeling ‘15

Salty Sam

Contents

4 From The Top 6 Salty Sam

Salty Sam ‘14

8 Workout Tips for Mids

Executive Editor

10 Interview with Scott Strasemeier

Business Team

12 Intramurals:

Hannah Bobell ‘15

Dick Wheeler ‘16, Manager Jett Utah Watson ‘16 Luke Sullivan ‘16

Layout Team

Ali Segovia ‘16, Editor Miguel Moravec ‘17 Jason Mapa ‘17

Content Editor Ben Creed ‘15

Artists

The Under-Coordinated Story 14 The Rules of Fieldball 16 Navy Football: A Softer Side 18 NARP Olympics: Annapolis 2014 20 10,000 Words 22 The Avengers

Jess Miller ‘17, Editor Matthew Brook ‘15 Ivan De La Cruz ‘15

28 Roommate Confessions

Photography Editor Alec Bacon ‘15

34 Dancing for the 2%

Online Editor

36 DTA Reviewed

30 Spring Break Re-Cap

Frankie Gale ‘16

Officer Representative CAPT Leigh, USN

Principles of The LOG

Visit us online at www.usna.edu/thelog, “like” Salty Sam on Facebook or email us at Saltysam@usna.edu

The LOG magazine is a 32 page, monthly publication produced by and for Midshipmen. Found within is a satirical compilation of real and exaggerated news articles, editorials, advertisements, cartoons, and more. It provides an outlet for your creativity, artistic ability, comedic talent, and (maybe) critical-thinking. The opinions expressed herein are those of LOG staff members, and in no way reflect those of the Department of the Navy, the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, or the President of the United States. We do not intend to undermine the Mission of the United States Naval Academy, or by extension, the Constitution of the United States. Our goal is to reveal Academy life as observed by Midshipmen, and to deliver a publication that is truly their own.

From the Top

Brigade, We made it! The long winter has turned to sunshine. Do you know what this means? Spring is in the air! Parade season is upon us, so fix those bayonets, dust off the old Civil War costumes, and remember that we’re on ditties. Or are we off ditties. Wait, what are ditties again?

If the sunshine feels unfamiliar, embrace it once more. You should have plenty of time to, now that intramurals are in full force. I mean, full enforcement, that is. Apparently the administration thinks we best excel in the physical mission by throwing a frisbee/ football/plebe around for an hour or so every day instead of working out. As an intramural warrior myself, I thought, “Why not use The LOG to get onboard with this sort of thinking, in remembrance of the long and storied history of The LOG getting onboard with administrative policies?”

But why stop there? The Physical Mission is part of the sacred triad of missions here at USNA. We should be celebrating every midshipman’s participation in the physical exertion of his or her body, from the smallest of plebes in Mac-D to that firstie who buys shirts one size too small and proceeds to show off how much whey protein he can snort. From the NARPs to the Varsity Athletes, this issue celebrates their contributions to that warm and fuzzy feeling I get when I think about my time thus far in PE classes at USNA. Of course, the athletes have their own publications, a website, and various other outlets wherein their efforts are cataloged and ogled over by alumni who pay handsomely to see them. We as a school pride ourselves on having good sports teams, and rightly celebrate this fact on a regular basis.

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So from cover to cover, we celebrate that vast majority of the Brigade who has thus far failed to find an activity with an intramural exemption because they are understandably too proud to join YP Squadron. This one goes out to the lovable, the affable, and the sometimes uncoordinated. It’s my pleasure to present: “Narps Illustrated.”

Like so many other aspects of Academy life, this issue takes a different perspective on sports. Our efforts were not to drive a wedge between the NARP and the varsity athlete, nor is it to go after these athletes. We instead lampoon the institutions that seem to support the physical mission at the expense of the others, the people who seem more interested in producing superb athletes rather than superb officers.

This issue is not isolated to Annapolis. Our unfortunate brethren at West Point face a similar problem. In a recent article, a professor there lamented at the apparent step to promote a better football team at the expense of academic standards.

When this news made its way down the Severn, the general sense was that, as per usual, the cadets were about 10 years behind the curve. Has the Academy let standards slip so that its athletic programs could succeed? Maybe.

We haven’t actually done any academic research, save for Google surveys which were meticulously sent out en masse

by Alec Bacon. No, those facts are for a more serious magazine to deal with.

This may strike you as irresponsible. While this word

describes this organization to a “T,” the last thing we’ve pretended to be is serious or factual. Represented here are strictly opinions, though they are ones which represent the thoughts and perceptions of at least some sizable segment of the Brigade. Since Plebe Summer, we’ve had the militarism “perception is reality” drilled into our heads, and we feel these perceptions should be explored. We hope this issue provokes further discussion (see the discussion page) or at the very least some thoughts.

But mostly, we hope you are thoroughly entertained. The issues presented are funny, and you should feel free to laugh at them and we should laugh at them as an institu-

tion. With that long-winded explanation, please don’t sue me, and enjoy your magazine.

Very Respectfully,

MIDN Mike Ebeling The LOG Editor-in-Chief

Dear Editors, __________________________________________

__________________________________________

What is that magical bright sphere of heat that has suddenly appeared on the horizon???? -4/C Subdivated

Why doesn’t The LOG just join the Lucky Bag or Labyrinth?

-Mr. Efficient

Dear 4/C Subdivated, Some may try to tell you that it’s the sun. In fact, the sun disappeared last winter and has yet to be seen. We’re working on it, but in the meantime Supp-O got his staff on it and they managed to create a new one that should hold us over. Thanks Supp-O!

Mr. Efficient, Why don’t you just go join the Air Force?

__________________________________________ Why can’t we have avocados?

-4/C Never Enough

4/C Greedy McPeety, Seriously. Borrebach gave you Nutella. It’s a little hypocritical for you to ask for a healthy food right after angel excrement in a jar. The PRT is over. __________________________________________

__________________________________________ The 2/C took away our carry-on, and it’s just not fair!

They’re meanie heads! What should I do?

-4/C SEAL Select 4/C Jones, Firstly, you need to stop using all the bandwidth. You shouldn’t be watching 7 shows at once.

Secondly, my dad once brought me home a hamster from PETCO that was pregnant. The hamster had 10 babies and then proceeded to eat them all in a gruesome act of hamster cannibalism. My dad told me they ran away. The moral? Life is cruel. Get used to it. __________________________________________

Love, The Editors

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Salty Sam Ahoy, there, Brigade! If you’re reading this, you have successfully made it back from Spring Break and made it through the Dark Ages. If you aren’t, learn to read, damn it, we have classes for it! Salty is finally sober after his long stint in Panama City Beach, and he’s got a little spring in his step. Quite literally, actually. After falling on the ice after being assured by our fair Dant that it was all dried up, I ended up in BMU with the Gimp Squad while they tried to replace my leg with a spring. What marvels of modern medicine will they come up with next? Courtesy?

Salty is finally sober...

Now Salty loves BMU, especially as “Excellence is [their] standard.” And those of you who know me know I do love me some excellence. Why, I’ve served up a nice glass of excellence at every urinalysis to date.

I wish they’d be a bit more specific, though, excellence seems to get thrown around a lot lately. Is it excellence in medieval medicine? Excellence in kindness visavi the beloved SEAL Doctor? Salty would like to add that he loves the SEAL Doctor and wishes him nothing but excellence as he pursues to have a pin from each and every service community. Just, whatever you do, please don’t hurt Salty. There are few things of which Salty is afraid, and the idea of a SEAL giving him a physical is one of them.

But enough with my medical tangents, for Salty is no doctor but merely plays one should you need an SIQ chit. Spring is in the air. Enjoy it, breath it it. Because now it’s gone. Welcome to the permanent winter, where snow days are every week. Seriously, we’ve had something like, six snow days this year!

Please don’t hurt Salty Thankfully, we can rely on Melwood, the King Hall staff, and Captain McGrath to always manage to make it in on these blessed/accursed days. And God Bless ‘em for it, I say! Who else would herd you folk like cattle

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into each and every seat in King Hall, a feat which NONE OF YOU can seem to manage on your own.

But are these snowy days really blessings from above? Sure, when the alarm goes off at 06-I-hate-mylife-00, you gotta love it, but there have been rumors of… bum, bum BUM! --saturday school.

Yes, Brigade. Your deepest, darkest nightmares might very well become manifested in extra school time to make up for this atrocious weather that we’ve been having. (Personally, I blame the Brigade’s recent infatuation with Pixar’s hit film, Frozen and it’s corresponding soundtrack. I swear, if I hear “Let It Go” one more time…). Salty recalls a time when Saturday school was the norm. This was years ago, though.

Could you even imagine today if we did that? The hangovers alone would flunk half the upperclass out of here. The sacred Friday night would be in tatters!

Mother-B just doesn’t want you to leave. She is a jealous mistress if there ever was one, that’s for sure.

Why, she can’t stand how much time you spend at those sponsors of yours. So the stripers were charged with investigating the issue. If you see your local fourstriper hiding in the bushes across from your sponsor family’s house, let him in. He’s probably cold from snooping around to make sure there isn’t any underage drinking going on. That’s right, MIDN Big Brother will find you, even if you think you’re safe at your sponsor family’s guest house.

Sorry to bring you down with news of the Orwellian present in which we live. Salty also learned all sorts of jokes over his spring break. Here’s a newfound classic: Knock knock. Who’s there, you ask? THEM SECOND CLASS WITH THEIR BLING RINGS. It’s finally that time of year. Everyone and their dog is getting engaged, we’re still trying to elect Captain Borrebach as the president of Crimea, the firsties are checked out, and the Brigade Concert is a no-go this year due to some dropped balls. Yes, you firsties may

Brigade concert is a no go be getting part of your money back this year, but the rumor mill has it that the underlings will be SOL and investing in next year’s extravaganza. Sorry if you’re going abroad there, buddy. With this sudden influx of cash, we might be able to afford some big names next

year. Simon and Garfunkel, Kiss, and Celine Dion are the only one’s that are coming to Salty’s mind right now. I’m tellin’ you what, I never will get tired of that one scene from Titanic. It takes me back to that fatal YP cruise of 2012...

You can always tell when it’s that time: Plebes start getting even worse ideas like wearing SEAL pins to DC and mids are already breaking out their hideously pastel bermuda shorts to accompany their jaunty polos. Pair those with a pair of aviators and some boat shoes and you’ve got yourself an outfit there, son!

But don’t too hasty, now. That PCR is also upon us, and this year, it’s supposed to be a doozy, (i.e. actually serious)! You’ve got to be on your toes, calling on all sorts of professional knowledge and skills like the “I Believe/Must Accept This Logic!” button from Leadership class and Pro Knowledge Bulimia. What’s the firing rate of an M-16? The heck if I know. Back

Who will be the next Brigade Commander? in Salty’s day, they were still shootin’ the long irons at those pirates. Or were we shooting pirates at the long irons? It gets hazy after a while, kids.

Who cares, we have important things to discuss between now and summer. Who will be the next Brigade Commander? If a Plebe chops and no one’s around to see it, did he really chop? What should be the nickname for 2nd class? Yes, “segundos” was tossed around for quite a while. But Salty doesn’t speak Canadian, so that one is out. I’m sure we can think of something. Let’s see, secondies? The Terrible Twos? Twicers? Why, up in West Point they call them Cows, so I suppose we could go with, let’s see, Sea Cows! Or manatees if you prefer. I’m not much a fan of manatees, but that’ll do for now.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, Salty is very sober and the morning is very early. So if you’ll excuse me, I have some croquet to play. Onward to Summer!

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Workout Tips s d i M r o F

From Distant Thunder to Zeus Laser: My Journey Into the World of Extremely Uninformed Bodybuilding

By Ivan De La Cruz ‘15 Featuring Griffin Burke ‘15

Here at USNA, we pride ourselves in that our culture fosters peak physical fitness as a key component of mission success. Whether that mission is ending terrorists in the face, or letting those shrimpy St. John’s kids in the bar know that “Hey, I’m more brawlin than you and therefore you should just leave my bar and go play your liberal music in DTA”, all can be achieved by becoming the most brolic, Full Housed, ox diesel bro that you know.

Through literally thousands of hours of research and development as a Political Scientist with an International Relations concentration, I have developed a set of tips to working out that can help any Mid with a desire for a hard body and a sharpened mind relate how much more of a super-jacked thunder mammal they are when compared to other specimens in the international community (needless to say I have taken the Realist theory of international relations which holds as its mantra…“talk nasty things to me, get hit”). Below you will find my 4 points to becoming hotter than Camp Lejeune, and bigger than PACOM (Also my super, 80 % effective recovery shake that you can make just from things you can find on the Yard is to starboard).

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1) First and foremost, CARDIO KILLS GAINS. I’m going to say it again because you might have missed it…CARDIO KILLS GAINS. If you’re doing more than a couple of mile repeats the day before the PRT, know that you might as well have started lifting for nothing. A lot of people say “Focus on form and strength man, size will come”, but to those “innovators” I say “Perception is reality… ergo…it don’t matter if I can deadlift 4-hundy if my legs look like broomsticks” (Actually working out legs will be covered later).

2) If you take care of your gear, your gear will take care of you. You need to make sure that you’re not only rocking the dopest spirit gear on the Yard in McD, but that you’re adding as many civilian accessories that you can get away with in order to maximize your gains. I’m talking your roommate’s varsity workout shirt, American flag Chubbies, Patagonia hat, standard issued boots with high socks, BodyBuilding wrist straps, and a backpack full of ingenuity, more commonly known as supplements.

The more people look at you → the more pressure you feel → the more you try to lift → the more gains you make. Rock solid logic.

3) Legs are actually important, but only for those gifted with the thunder-thigh gene. The potential for glorious, Jupiter tank thighs is God-given…you can’t teach that, no matter what they say in LEL. I’m going to keep this one short because I semi-vented my frustrations about this in number 1. Working legs makes your entire body stronger, but if others can’t tell your strength is superior to theirs by how bee stung your quads and calves are…then why waste your time? Add another shoulder/chest/arms day.

4) Make sure you let others know how much more you know about lifting than they do by correcting them on their work out every chance you get, and citing a bodybuilding article about why your way is better when someone tries to correct you. If someone has the audacity to interrupt your pump-nectar session, you should hear them out just because they had the courage to come up to you when you’re at your largest. After you have drowned out everything they said to you by pretending to listen while blasting AC/DC through your over-ear Bose headphones, proceed to enlighten them with your superior knowledge on how to maximize supplementsustained gains. After all…if not you then who?

5) Follow these simples tips in the gym and I guarantee you that you will make enough gains to impress everyone…literally everyone…everywhere you go, and thus finally giving you a solid reason to change your Twitter name to “ADM-Gen Swolmaster Flex”. Also, if you ever need someone to put you in your place for motivation, feel to follow me on Twitter @IamDefBiggerThanYouIChecked.

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The LOG Interviews

Scott Strasemeier

By Dick Wheeler ‘16

Like the eyes of Dr T.J. Eeckleberg watching over those traveling to New York City in the land of Gatsby, there is a curiously mysterious man who calls to you each week with the headline of “This Week in Navy Sports,” the man who sends you emails every week with no delay or interruptions.

(Okay, I’ll admit that I am listening to Lana Del Ray’s “Young and Beautiful” right now, which is drawing me to the Gatsby references.) Almost as if he is watching over you from your computer, the emails thunder on each week. He is a constant informant to the Brigade of all of Navy Sport happenings.

He is almost, if not more popular as Captain Borrebach or the Dant. Ever since I have been a young plebe, I have been craving to know more about him. Who is this man??

The LOG was granted access to interview this mystery man through a medium very familiar to him: e-mail. Scott Strasemeier has been watching Midshipmen for years from his formidable office in Ricketts Hall. He can tell you that they run a lot.

(Actually, I never really asked him this, but I bet that he sees a lot of interesting running forms from Ricketts Hall.) Currently in his 23rd year here at the Naval Academy, we decided to interview the man who was behind this madness. I sent him

18 interview questions at approximately 2130, and by 2200 I receive a reply, every single question was answered! Talk about some serious motivation. I can barely get myself to write a paragraph in that time. Here is what I received as a reply: RW: A quick search of my Google email account reveals that I receive at least two to three emails from you each day. These emails are quite complex, I might add. How much time would you estimate you spend creating each of these emails?

SS: Answer: That’s probably a bit exaggerated. I usually send out a This Week in Navy Sports on Monday and then I will promote a big game to the Brigade (and all non-mids too!) later on in the week. Also, if there are any ArmyNavy competitions that week I will promote them as well.

On the weekend I will send out any stories on teams winning championships or Army-Navy events. So some weeks you might get 3-5 from me, but other weeks only 1. Some people read them, some people delete them. All I can do is provide the information. Nobody can say the Brigade didn’t know when our event was or how we did over the weekend.

It’s not only on navysports.com, but in their e-mail as well.

RW: Have you ever had a cup of “Severn Blend” (the Naval Academy’s coffee served in King Hall) during your time here and do you have any recommendations/critique of it?

SS: I have never had a cup of coffee in my life. Diet Mountain Dew for me.

RW: How do you manage to get to every navy sporting event and report on the results, especially since some are during the same time but in separate time zones? Have you cloned yourself, and if so, how do I know you’re the real Scott Strasemeier?

SS: The best thing I’ve done here is hire a really talented staff. We have the best SID staff in the country. Stacie Michaud, Justin Kischefsky, Mark Leddy, Matt Muzza, John Gasparoni and Alex Lumb are as good as it gets.

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We all have our sports to cover and they do a great job of it.

You may see my name on e-mails, but they are the main cogs in what we do. As far as clones, you will know it’s the real Scott Strasemeier if you ask me the line-up for the 1975 and 1976 Cincinnati Reds.

RW: Certainly you can’t officially have favorite navy sports team, but, come on, every parent has a favorite child that they slip a little extra money too. Which is your favorite child here, and how much extra money do you slip them?

SS: I love all the sports teams at Navy and respect what every student-athlete does here. Everybody in our office is assigned different sports so I’m certainly closer to the sports I’m involved with on a daily basis. I’m the main Sports Information contact for the football team and I’m the sport administrator for men’s basketball and women’s lacrosse, but I follow every team closely.

RW: Navy Football has been called “the fastest sport on four legs.”

What are your thoughts?

SS: I don’t get it. I do know that there are some tough suckers on that team and I hope people appreciate what they face every week in the teams that they are playing. They are physically outmanned nearly every week but find a way to win far more often than not on guts, determination and great coaching. They put it all on the line every Saturday against some of the best teams in the country. Notre Dame had 13 players invited to the NFL combine this year. 13. Yet we had a chance to win in the final minutes. Our guys have five star hearts.

(Interviewer’s note: Honestly I have no idea what I was asking for in that last question, as an interviewer it’s always a good habit to ask an outlandish question to keep the interviewee on their toes) RW: If you had to pick a sport here to play, which would it be?

SS: Football. I’m definitely an O-Lineman at heart.

RW: How did you get your job?

SS: I went to college at Indiana University (I was on the five year plan because I LOVED college) and worked in the Sports Information Office for four years as a student assistant. I had the unbelievable opportunity to work with Coach Bob Knight and the basketball team (think Calbert Cheaney, Damon Bailey, Keith Smart, Allan Henderson era) and Coach Bill Mallory and the football team (my freshman year we beat Navy and a QB named Bill Byrne, ever hear of him?) and just fell in love with the job. When I graduated I applied for every internship in America and was fortunate enough that Tom Bates, the head SID at Navy, hired me as an intern in 1991. I came here not knowing anybody, had never even been to the East Coast before, and have been fortunate enough to never leave. Annapolis is now my home

and Navy is my school. One of my sweetest wins in my time at Navy was this past fall when we went to Bloomington and beat IU. RW: Strictly speaking off the record, as in we’ll publish this in its entirety, what is the biggest thing you hate about Navy sports?

SS: Writing bios. I hate writing bios for the media guides/ web site.

RW: Navy Football has frequently been referred to as “the most exciting 2 minutes in sports.” Do you feel comfortable endorsing this?

SS: The fastest two minutes in sports is the Kentucky Derby.

I love horse racing. I actually won $5,000 on the Preakness last year on a $50 bet (yes it’s OK for me to bet on horse racing that’s not against NCAA rules) (Interviewer’s note: Again, I have no idea what I was asking for in that last question, I was so impressed in the last reply to my first outlandish question I couldn’t resist not dropping another one in.)

RW: Who is your favorite intramural player?

SS: Ty Chase, Bailey Colon-Waite, Katrina Herrera and Brit Bly. I don’t know if they play intramural or not, I just wanted to give them a shout out for all they do for Navy Athletics in there different support roles in team video, trainer and cheerleaders.

RW: What is your favorite all-time font?

SS: I’m the wrong person to ask. Mark Leddy does all of our design work. That is not a strength of mine. He makes my stuff looks good.

RW: Does anyone ever email you back? If so, could you share some of the best replies to your emails?

SS: Every once in a while somebody will point out an error that I’ve made, but that’s about it. I get more responses from Mids on Facebook and Twitter. I love social media. Follow me on twitter @ScottStras. Be prepared for not only a lot of Navy stuff, but also the Dallas Cowboys, Indiana Pacers (they are winning it all this year), and the the Cincinnati Reds (Happy that Dusty is gone. If you follow me on twitter you already knew that.) and various other topics.

RW: Do you fear the cognitive powers of the bottlenose dolphin?

SS: I fear the cognitive powers of my wife more.

RW: How many words per minute can you type?

SS: I don’t think I’ve ever been timed. 60 maybe? No clue.

(Interviewer’s note: I’m willing to bet at least 100 WPM.) RW: What is going on this week in Navy Sports?

SS: Didn’t you read your e-mail?

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Intramurals: The Under-Coordinated Story Artwork by Jess Miller ‘17

By Jett Utah Watson ‘16

Crab cakes and football--they say that’s what Maryland does best. I guess “they” have never seen the United States Naval Academy for Those Who Like Running’s intramural program. It is definitive. It defines intramural programs.

Other intramural programs would do well to define themselves similarly to the way that the intramural program at the United States Naval Academy for Those Who Enjoy Surnames does. It is the one intramural program to bind them all--to seek them out, and find them. “Them” being random midshipmen who could be playing real sports but are really looking to improve themselves instead of joining a team or a club or the almighty Drum (and) Bugle (Corps).

So we’ve still got the crab cakes. But more than crab cakes, we’ve got competition (and, occasionally, competition for crab cakes. Am I the only fan?). Intramurals foster the sort of competition that, while useful on the battlefield, really rears its regal head during those long, long laboratory projects we midshippeople are so fond of.

I find it relevant to note that I do not play intramurals,

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nor do I know what laboratory projects are. In fact, I barely qualify as a midshipperson (which, for those of you wondering, is an acceptable term for Microsoft Word. Go ahead, try it. I’ll be right here). I don’t understand the concept of an “all-nighter” or “getting my head in the game” or “Just catch the ball, Jett! What is your problem?!?” Yes, my mind circumnavigates more noble globes (No, not YP Squadron. C’mon.), globes that my spidery arms could never hope to lift… Although I still believe every day is leg day, unlike some.

Now, dear reader, you understand the extent of the situation: mine, yours, and that of the glorious United States Naval Academy for the Advancement of Things.

At least, I hope you understand your situation. If not, get your stuff together. That’s probably why you still haven’t gotten Superintendent’s List. Sure, you row a lot, get stellar grades, are well-liked by the plebes and everyone else, but that isn’t going to get you any higher than that B in aptitude (shout-out!)! So you came into the rough-and-tumble world of intramurals, full of

fallen stars and shooting stars as well. Sometimes the fallen combine with the shooting. That’s really the problem you’ve dug through four hundred words already just to read about!

Seppuku: according to my totally distinguished academic research, it was a form of ritual suicide from Japan involving, well, disembowelment. It’s kind of like “Return with Honor,” only more like stabbing yourself and cutting out your intestines. This is just a heads-up for those of you who don’t know. Nothing major. Just a little fact to get you through your day. You might even call it a factlet.

Back to non-seppuku intramural sports: So some people take intramurals so seriously that I’m really, really surprised that seppuku isn’t the standard treatment for the losing team captain. I don’t care if it’s fieldball, racquetball, ballball, or the International Ball. Some people just lose it. I have heard of some companies having tryouts for various teams. Can you imagine that? Trying out for an (essentially) mandatory event! It’s like going to dinner with Anna Hart in order to attend an etiquette brief (which I would kind of love, personally, but I guess that would be a lot of people and a lot of dinners and therefore impractical). They kind of take the “intra” out of “intramural.”

But you know what? I think that’s beautiful. It’s an honor code inherent to the great Intramural Warriors of Bancroft Hall. They have written it and stamped it with their blood, blood shed on fields of battle and youthful exuberance. Looking back on their time at the Academy, the days will seem filled with sunshine and vigor, not fluorescent lights and coffee cups. These are the heroes; these are the most truly alive men and women of the Brigade of Midshippeople. They are artists putting the “mural” back in “intramural.”

Nothing pleases my heart more than watching a rousing game of something played on a field with some people reveling in the joy. It shows the true colors of the players, especially green and red. And a little bit of whatever color sweat is. Of course, not too much sweat. This is a problem.

See, while I’ve sung the glories of those who take intramurals too seriously, there is another, more sinister group of midshipmen out there: those who take intramurals less than seriously. One might even comment that these people take intramurals with a rather flippant attitude.

They claim they’re busy, that they have homework to take and naps to do. Well, I think that’s just lame. It’s not even

neat, how you do that? I hear the calls of teams mustering at the mate’s desk. Indeed, as a semi-professional Company Mate of the Deck, I have sung these songs myself a time or two.

And then, I have heard the calls. Those calls of forfeiture. Those calls of “not enough players,” calls of “Can we just make up a score?” or “I really don’t feel like playing basketsport today.” Those lame duck calls! Those white-limed walls, those alehouse painted signs! Then give me leave, for losers will have leave, to understand the value of a win well-earned or a loss learned from!

Pardon me, that was out of character. Well, it was in character, for those of you aware. I would like to posit a challenge to the United States Naval Academy for the Hard of Hearing. Let’s enjoy intramurals (those who have to do them, anyway)! The glorious struggle will pay off, I am certain. I can imagine now, the beauty and greatness and statuesque poses. It will be totally great for public affairs. What better face of the Navy can we present than one covered in mud, panting, and probably taking the game a little more seriously than need be? Certainly, it provides a better option than a kind of bored face, trying to laugh off late-blooming athletic ineptitude.

Anyway, we’ve covered all the major views here. I’ve probably lit a candle in your dark, dark hearts. Maybe some of you are cutting out the photograph of me in the back of the magazine (go ahead, look back there) so that you can truly feel my presence with you on the field.

Certainly, that’s the only way I’m stepping on. I did catch a ball once, I’ll have you know. And I played the sport game quite sportsmanly, with sportsmanlike conduct. I conducted myself in a manner befitting a sportsman.

But this story isn’t about me. It’s about you. All of you!

And all of you are me. We are the long blue line, right?

So let’s not be a long blue line of seats on the bench. We gotta warm up, and then we gotta play, and we gotta win!

You know what Hyman Rickover said about winning?

It’s good. You know what he said about intramurals?

Those are good too. Those are direct quotes. Hyman Rickover, king of all sportsmanlike and naval, believed in the intramural program right here at the United States Naval Academy for the Progress of Intramuralistic Sportsman Activities. I think it’s time we all believed a little more, too.

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The Rules of Field-Ball

By Griffin Burke ‘15 As it is a sport that is only played in two locations, the United States Naval Academy and the New York State Penitentiary, the game of FieldBall is a mighty exclusive sport. Featuring only the most athletic and overly brutal of players, it remains much of a mystery to the outside world (and most of the Brigade). So in order to provide a little more information, I infiltrated this elite club of soap-sellers and return with the 8 Rules of FieldBall

RULE 1: You do not talk about FieldBall RULE 2: You DO NOT talk about FieldBall RULE 3: If someone says “stop” or goes limp, well… then the ball is turned over RULE 4: Only nine players to a team

RULE 5: ONE fight on the field at a time RULE 6: No Shirts, No Shoes RULE 7: Matches will go on as long as possible RULE 8: If this is your first game of FieldBall, you HAVE to play goalie

No, but in all seriousness, as a legendary NARP, president-elect of the 3-mile club, and two-time All-American FieldBaller, I feel it is my duty to bring everyone into possibly the greatest sport ever made up on the spot. Fieldball is fast, exhilarating, and makes me ultra-violent. Trust me, if you put the effort in, you will get RIPPED and SHREDDED from this sport. Guys, girls will be fawning all over you. Girls, guys will be begging for those digits.

What do you have to lose? So without further ado, I present: The Rules of FieldBall (translated from the original hieroglyphics in the ancient manuscript THE OFFICIAL FIELDBALL HANDBOOK) 1. The field is to be set up in such a manner that the length is approximately twice the width, separated into two halves, with a lacrosse goal centered 5 yards in from each endline.

2. Teams will field nine players at a time: 4 offensive, 4 defensive, 1 goalie.

3. Offensive players must remain on their offensive half of the field, defensive players on the defensive side. If a player crosses to the wrong side of the field, the ball is to be turned over to the other team.

4. Goals are hockey-style, players can run behind the net, the end line is the boundary, not the goal line.

5. The endline is lacrosse style, if the ball goes out of bounds on a shot past the endline, then the first player to cross the endline gets the ball. However, if the ball goes out on a pass, the ball is turned over to the other team.

6. Players must keep two hands on the ball unless shooting or passing.

7. All body parts are eligible to handle ball for field players (i.e. hands, feet, head, etc).

8. Goalies must keep their hands on the helmet at all times, they cannot extend their arms out or use their hands to defend a shot.

9. If the player with the ball is tackled (under standard football tackling rules) then the ball is turned over at that spot..

10. Side boundaries are soccer style, whichever team did not touch the ball last when it crossed the sideline plays the ball from the spot where it went out of bounds..

11. To bring the ball back into play: pass to another teammate or bounce the ball on the ground and normal play resumes (i.e. that player is now able to run with the ball/be tackled).

12. One point for throwing the ball in for a goal, two points for kicking it in.

13. Free continuous substitutions (hockey style).

14. Game shall be played in 4, 5-Minute quarters.

15. After a goal is scored, the team that was scored on takes possession from behind their endline. All other players must start on the other side of a line between the goals until the ball is back in play.

16. And there are no other rules. Have at it.

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Page 15

Navy Football A Softer Side

By Jett Utah Watson ‘16

Baby birds are chirping, leaves are growing, and the sun is smiling on you as if to say, “Old lad, I am thy own.” The grass is green! Love is in the air! Some pollen, too, which is a problem for you city-folk types. Go spend some time on a farm. It’ll help--I know a guy. But we’re not here to talk about your allergies, we’re here to talk about the one thing on everyone’s mind as spring sprints the last hundred meters, as spring scores the winning goal at the last second, as spring listens to their coxswain or whatever and wins the rowing race...

Any guesses? No? It’s football time!

No, not football season, don’t be silly. That’s in, like, later.

It’s just football time! The team is practicing and doing lots of cool stuff, not just for their sport, but for their development as professional officers of professionalism! A lot of people criticize football teams, but that’s not really very fair. For example, did you know that the number of football players who play the guitar really well outnumber the number of midshipmen who play the didgeridoo really well? I didn’t, but now I do!

Much of this development in a new direction is thanks to the team’s own initiative. You see, over winter break, several members of the team spent a lot of time thinking together, listening to music, and making music. They realized that they would be going out into a scary world, as we all should think about. And you know what they did? They took action!

This action came about as Operation: HEARTBREAK

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WARFARE. Lightning struck inside their chests to keep them up at night, you see. This spring, Navy football is rolling out a whole new image. There will still be no-shave chits, but also no-haircut chits and barefoot-with-pants chits aplenty. The Navy football team is also leading new Brigade Sensitivity Training, with mandatory lessons once a week.

“It’s just that, half of my heart had a grip on the situation,” Coach Ken probably said. When asked if this is just a really weird John Mayer-thing that The LOG made up so people could have a good-natured laugh with the football team, he also probably said, “No.” Anyone who attends Open Mic Night (short for Open Microphone Night) in Smoke Hall (which happens every now and then and I wish Ben Creed would just get a real schedule and Erin Bacon is kind of disappointed in him, even though she hasn’t yet written a cooking article) has seen the early stages of Operation: HEARTBREAK WARFARE at work.

Out of the darkness strolls a large stranger (well, usually two) who come, play, and leave just as quickly, with the audience’s hearts breaking in two.

These serenades are the basic format of the upcoming sensitivity training, which won’t really be very discussionbased. The curriculum currently spells out lessons on “Flowers,” “Throaty Whispers,” and “The Longing Gaze.”

Personally, this reporter wishes he’d written this article for Valentine’s Day. He read it on Valentine’s Day and just started tearing up, because maybe if he’d had these lessons she wouldn’t have left. But what’s past is past, and luckily the Navy football team is here to keep that from happening again. Just like our triple-option: you might get hurt a lot, but you just gotta get back up again.

See, it makes total sense that the football team is leading this charge to a Naval Academy more in touch with making banana pancakes and pretending like it’s the weekend, now.

Anyone who saw the Armed Forces Bowl knows that Navy wins games—and public support—by being the nice guys. We are the boy or girl from down the street that your parents keep insisting you go out with, because we are just so sweet and we help her with the groceries and we don’t elbow people in the head after tackles.

CAPT Borrebach, Supply Officer Extraordinaire, has noted an unusual side effect of Operation: HEARTBREAK WARFARE. “People keep asking me how to make soufflés

and light cherry tomato-tossed pasta,” he might have said, “Which isn’t really my job, but I found some recipes anyway!”

The Navy football team also looks out at Annapolis in pursuing its mission.

Clay Bakers, the bookstore on Maryland Avenue, long walks in the park, and the Downtown Farmer’s Market are all open receivers.

“This is all really dumb, why are you making this up?” said one football player on the football team. “But those are pretty good date ideas.”

Yes, they are great date ideas. Ladies and gentlemen alike can benefit from these and other messages of Navy football’s Operation: HEARTBREAK WARFARE. Are you not really too interested in anyone right now? Just at a really busy time in your life? Just want to be friends?

Hate how I call my mother all the time even though she helps me a lot and it’s not weird how we can giggle and tell each other how much we love each other and you just have a terrible relationship with your troll of a mother? Well, that’s just fine. You can learn to have a better relationship with yourself! Who says you can’t go on dates with yourself, or buy yourself a little gift every now and then?

Navy football is just looking to improve everyone’s awareness of the relationships surrounding them every day. Your relationship with yourself is included!

The LOG supports Operation: HEARTBREAK WARFARE. During the fall, the Brigade is heartily encouraged to support the Navy football team. Now, the team feels it’s time to give back. And that’s what being a shipmate is all about.

However, things have to chill out before we get to Operation: YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND. Especially if the Navy women’s lacrosse team shows up with Operation: BUBBLY BY COLBIE CAILLAT (which is totally like the reverse of “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

Seriously. Go listen to it).

Why do we have to capitalize these operations and stuff? I think it looks silly.

But, whatever. I’m just a disembodied voice in a magazine. Go Navy, Beat Army!

(Gently.)

Artwork by Jess Miller ‘17

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NARP OLYMPICS

By Griffin Burke ‘15 It’s that time of year… spring break and the dark ages are behind us, and things are winding down. For the average NARP, this means that Intramurals become more and more meaningless as Firsties just stop showing up, the plebes grow tired of playing the positions no one else wants too (“Hey Plebe… You’re gonna have to be fieldball goalie again, there’s no other underclass here.”). But that’s perfect, because although Intramurals may almost be over, the NARP competitions have yet to end. That’s right folks, it’s time for the First Annual (and possibly last) NARP Olympics!

There will be 7 events held around this yard this year, ranging in a variety of NARP skills. Here are the 7 events listed in order. Good luck and may the best NARP win!

s i l o p Anna

4 1 20

1. Competitive Napping – This event is not for the lighthearted. The obstacles are ruthless and the judges even more cold hearted (especially the Russian, you gotta watch out for him). NARPs will have to fall asleep and stay asleep through a variety of hurdles such as alarms, noisy roomates, company officers coming into the room, plebes asking for comearounds, construction being done right outside the window, uncontrollable light, etc. And then the judges come in, not only judging the amount of time it took to fall asleep and how long the napper remained in dreamland, but also on the sleep position, the level of snoring, state of REM, things said in sleep, and the coherency once woken up from said sleep.

2. FIFA Tournament – Sorry plebers, but this still counts as media, so 4/C unfortunately cannot compete in this event. However for all others, this will be played in a round robin/single-elimination bracket style play seen in the World Cup. 4-minute halves and golden goal in case of a tie or else we may be here for a very long time.

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3. Find a Bench in MacD – This game is very similar to the childhood favorite, “Musical Chairs” except this time the music is a Top 40 Radio Station that seems to play Miley for every other song (because Miley is what gets me so pumped up to get yoked…), and currently every bench is taken by midshipmen much, much, much stronger than you. Find a way to grab that bench and get lifting!

4. How Much Time Can You Waste Without Actually Accomplishing Anything – Don’t let the long title deceive you, this event is actually quite simple: don’t do anything productive. I know it may be hard for some of you hardcore NARPs who just love to do reasonably practical things during sports period, but just make sure to distract yourself with anything: reading The LOG, admiring the drawings in The LOG, writing funny and creative articles for The LOG, writing mediocre articles for The LOG, maybe writing angry letters to The LOG… the list goes on.

5. Hallway Football Toss – Ah, here’s a classic. Stand around the mate’s desk or in the backshaft and toss a football with your partner. Simple, right? Wrong. There’s more to this than you might have thought. How about we throw in a few SDO’s, maybe a OOW and a MOOW every now and then, and if you’re really skilled you might just make it to the final level: Col. Shea. Whoever has the most tosses without getting the football confiscated and/or fried wins!

6. Parade Practice – This event is purely time-based. How fast can you and your team (10 people, minimum of 1 striper with sword and 1 guide-on) “get it back” and “essecute sharply”? You best be knowing that Manual of Arms and proper kicking out of the stick (“don’t worry, nobody saw you… 27th company guideon). Get your team through the parade as quickly as possible before Gunny Jordan “runs through your platoon like diarrhea!”

7. Napping (non-competitive) – And the final event. You may be asking, isn’t this the same as the first event?

Well this one is not so much as a competition this time, more just a recovery period in which all those that get bored during the absolutely meaningless medal ceremony can catch a few Z’s after another tough day at the NARP Olympics. That’s right Sea Trials, you ain’t got nothin’ on this!

I personally thank you in advance for supporting what is sure to be a successful and officer-approved competitive match this year. Train hard contestants, stay the course, the best is yet to come. I love being your Olympic Master of Ceremonies.

Artwork by Jess Miller ‘17

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10,000 And it’s all going to suck...

No, I never boxed before in my life. Want to be partners?

Is this how you play Fieldball?

The PRT is in what, 5 months?

When we said rack PT, we meant without the PT part...

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Words Get that pre-PRT warm-up in. Get it!

Play intramurals they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

It’s safe, don’t worry, and this one lets you glow in the dark!

Welcome to 7th Wing

Mac-D. Pre-Spring Break. So...many...Mids...

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Artwork by Jess Miller ‘17

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Pause for Discussion 1. How did that make you feel?

2. Would you like a hug?

3. Who do you think Salty Sam is?

4. Do you want to see a Chaplain about what you just read? (see next question) 5. Hi, I’m Chaplain Good, give me a hug!

There you go, hope you feel better! Now get lost, kid.

6. Was that a knock on the Chaplain Corps? No, we love the chaplains!

7. No, we’re not getting defensive, I just didn’t want you to take it the wrong way!

8. Well if that’s how you’re going to be then fine, we won’t have a discussion.

9. Fine 10. Fine!

11. FINE!!!

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Artwork by Jess Miller ‘17

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Hawks Hawks are very common to North America, but these birds ‘round here are especially vicious! The first one I saw when I set up camp on Farragut Field was flying by with a struggling plebe in his claws! More on plebes later. The scariest part about these birds is that they aren’t afraid of anythin’! I tried to sneak up on one just taday, but she just stared at me. That was right before I took a talon to the knee! Crikey!

Plebes Plebes are an endangered species here! They are very timid creatures, so much so that they are often too afraid to mate!

Some are even frightened to death of the sunlight! You have to be especially careful with the plebes because you don’t want to send them in to shock. I accidently killed two of them the other day just by sneakin’ up on them in their den! A real shame. The trick with the plebes is you have to make eye contact. You have to show them that you aren’t going to harm them before approaching them. You also have to give them candy to win over their trust. I rustled up a young plebe yesterday and bottle fed him until he fell asleep. It almost made me feel better for those other two that I killed. Unfortunately, plebes have become the target of many poachers in the area. Many humans in the area take great fun in capturing them for tourist photos. Crikey!

By Ben Creed ‘15

Good ‘aye, mates! It’s your good old critter rangla’, Bennie Irwin, here! I flew all the way up to Annapolis, Maryland to give ya a good look at some of the wildlife in one of America’s fiercest jungles—The United States Naval Academy! I’m used ta boxin’ kangaroos and wrestling crocs down undah, so this was quite an adventure! Let’s dive right in!

Squirrels: Squirrels are quite common ‘round here. They are docile creatures, and most of the natives refer to them as “yard dogs,” like 18th Company’s SEL. Many try to catch them for their succulent meat, but they’re crafty buggahs!

They have special claws for climbing trees, so unless you can climb like a koala, you’ll have a rough time goin’ after ‘em!

They do have a weakness for nuts. If you get yourself some nice nuts, then you can lure them in close before snatchin’ ‘em up by the tail! But be careful! I got bit by one of those wild beasts the first time I grabbed one. Thankfully, I was able to receive the squirrel anti-venom in time. A real close call! Just another reminder that all wild animals must be treated with caution and respect! Crikey!

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Midshipmen Midshipmen are the most famous species from the USNA region. They are docile creatures from the bovine family, so they spend most of their time grazing on the green grass on hospital point. Locals ‘round here like to sneak up on the mids at night and tip ‘em ova! They call it “capsizing.” Not all of these cud munchas are pushovers, though! They are quite powerful despite their general sluggishness because young midshipmen are nursed deep inside of MacDonugh Hall. I was nearly trampled by a herd a’ mids on Stribling around lunchtime taday! Thankfully I was able to climb onto a nearby cannon! It was a real close one!

Mids are also dangerous on their own. Most mids can run one and half miles in 630 seconds, so you want to stay out of their way. They have poor eyesight and depend on their sense of smell to survive, so you will be safe as long as you stay downwind from any midshipmen. If one does start to charge you, make sure to ask it for its name and alpha number. This ancient native tactic has been passed down for generations and will stop most midshipmen in their tracks! I don’t know why, but it really works!

Crikey!

The

Gunnery Sergeant

r e t Hun

Gunnery Sergeants Gunnery Sergeants, or “Gunnys”, are apex predators in these parts! They are fierce, athletic animals that have an inescapable set of eyes. The midshipmen steer clear of the Gunnys because these predators pounce on every messed up tie and every set of scuffedup shoes within a 500 foot radius. The gunnys also possess an extra sensory organ that allows them to sense fear in the air. The gunnys use this organ to hunt, and they are very successful. The mids always try to escape, but they never make it. Just taday I saw a gunny rip apart an entire herd of mids with his command voice! The strong male then proceeded to kill an unlucky plebe that happened to be scampering by. All the predator had to do was roar his signature “get it back!” roar, and the plebe crumpled like a sack a potatahs! These beasts should not be approached under any circumstances! If you find yourself face to face with a gunny, just play dead! They may paw your body a bit, but they won’t devour you entirely. Any explorers venturing through this jungle should take extra care because the Yard has the highest concentration of large adult gunnys that I’ve eva seen!

Just taday I was chased by a six-foot long gunny! Crikey!

Humans The Humans ‘round these parts are very strange. None of them live here in the jungle, but they always cut their way through the brush in hopes of catching a glimpse of the wildlife. Most come for the midshipmen. They are just like those tourists who go snorkeling in order to see the manatees. They also like to take excessive amounts of photos. Unfortunately, the flash from their cameras will occasionally catch a plebe by surprise. The camera flash seems to be the largest accidental killer of plebes. Some of the humans even attempt to participate in midshipman mating season by shakin’ their behinds at the balls in Dahlgren! Very Strange! Crikey!

Most people fail to appreciate these animals we share the world with. I hope I have given you a new perspective on the ferocious, yet beautiful, animals that live in the jungle that is the United States Naval Academy! Good’aye!

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My roommate is a vampire.

He sleeps during the day and pretends to do work all night.

Oh and he doesn’t shower...

My roommate plays music by Rush all the time. I hate it so much. If I have to “Choose Free Will” again, I’d choose to never be born. Kill me now.

My roommate smushes her face up against the “P-bars” on her rack as she sleeps--causing horror movielike reactions from my other roommate and I every evening.

He, repeat HE, has listened to “Let it Go” two thousand and fourteen times.

MY ROOMMATE THROWS KNIVES IN THE ROOM. LIKE REAL KNIVES.

My roommate can hardly speak English. His accent is so thick neither myself nor my other roomate can understand a word he says. It mostly sounds like unintelligible grunting. But let’s call a spade a spade. He is from Arkansas.

BOTH of them are dating in company. I hope that they both don’t have to leave....

My roommate loves to hang her lingerie on the hook on the back of her closet door for all to see.

Roommate Confessions My room-mate MIDN BearHawk wholeheartedly believed that the Marine Corps Aviators fly Air Force One. This is not a joke. This was a 30 minute argument in the oldest fashion (without the beer of course) in which not one person pulled out their iPhone or Google search bar for thirty straight minutes as we argued the point that the Air Force...flies Air Force One--an unprecedented thought, I know.

He also gives lovely knife-hand high fives to the chest and sings when he wakes up in the morning. On top of cutting his toenails on the open floor and peeing in the shower, he constantly crushes on an upperclassman, with whom he would never have a shot. MIDN DogeHawk, my other roommate, can attest to all this.

-MIDN NightHawk My roommate feels that relieving oneself in the shower is too disgusting, so doing it straight into the sink is much more preferable.

My roommate is a supermodel. At least...in his mind. I have yet to meet a mid who loves to flex his abs in the mirror half as much! Love you, Roomie!

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During plebe summer, my roommate would frequently freak out about the days activities -- so much so that his worries carried over into the night. About 2 weeks into plebe summer he would “hit a bulkhead” (“Sir! MIDN 4/C XYZ Alpha number 123456 x company y platoon, sir!’) in the middle of the night, of course sounding off at the top of his lungs and then falling back asleep.

Scared the [hell] out of me the first few times.

Instead of dressing in proper attire and utilizing the strategically located head a mere 30 feet down the p-way, my roommate just urinates in the sink and pretends it’s completely sanitary.

Griffen Burke irons his clothes in a Captain America Speedo. Please help us.

My roommate ran one 4th Quarters -- already SIQ. He’s a baby...

My roommate enjoys participating in underwear-deskchair pommelhorse gymnastics on my chair when I’m trying to study. It’s impressive and distracting.

Aside from always having an UNSAT rack, and leaving deck at 0630 only to return at TAPS, my roommate is such a punk for hiding in the corner of my room in between the two other racks in my room during chow calls one day when he “woke up late.”

And they say team managers don’t take advantage!

At night, my roommate showers with all the lights off in the room. Yes, all of them.

I’m kinda creeped out.

My roommate doesn’t wash his uniforms, irons one for inspection, makes sure he calls everyone else a NARP as he takes frequent naps, and never allows a moment to pass without taking a look in the mirror at his ugly mug. The best is that he chooses to play video games all day until 2300 then begin his homework. He is salty.

My roommates continue to argue about who’s fault it is that the Xbox got knocked over. WHO CARES? Let’s move on; Playstation is still and always will be much better.

“My roommate is disgusting. He comes back from boxing practice and doesn’t shower. He leaves dirty clothes on his bed and on the floor and also has the desk nearest to the door so it is impossible for our room to open the door. He pees in the shower, leaves his used loofah hanging on the shower handle, and leaves toothpaste residue in the sink.

“The Thing about my Roommate is he’s a jackass. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world: 1. He does not bathe regularly 2. He does not wash his clothes regularly 3. See comments number 1 and 2 for added emphasis.

4. He hasn’t figured out how to work his bed yet.

5. He prefers TV and Minecraft to homework and studying. (Now this isn’t unpardonable, except that because of this he’s UNSAT.) 6. He’s a soulless ginger.

7. He refuses to try and rectify his lack of a good American childhood and learn the wonders of Pokemon, Dragonball Z, Disney movies, or any of the other staples of a good American upbringing.

8. He watches Vampire Diaries over such American classics.

9. Pretty sure he’s a communist.

10. Definitely a communist.

But seriously, he doesn’t bathe, which scares us. Hopefully he doesn’t touch any of our socks. (Also, he doesn’t change his socks.)”

“My roommate gets the same thing from Steerage or Drydock. EVERY. NIGHT. FOR DINNER.....

THEY SELL MORE THAN THE SEA SPARROW, DUDE!!!! The smell has almost become vomit-inducing.”

My roommate seems to have a deficiency of pillows.

This must be why he has taken it upon himself to borrow his fellow roommates’ pillows on the weekend.

There is nothing like coming back from the weekend to see your pillow upon your roommate’s bed with his share of slobber soaked right in. However, he makes it up to the room by providing a soothing aroma of two month old, con-locker brewed, Chick-fil-a.

My roommate is the loudest human being on Earth. First of all, it gets up at the crack of dawn in the morning making all sorts of clanking, pounding, and clattering noises that only a deaf, hibernating bear would be able to sleep through. But WAIT, that’s not all! My roomie has a sixth sense for knowing whenever I’m trying to take a nap, and bursts through the door making a whirlwind of noises once more. Sometimes, I dream of throwing him out the window....

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Spring Break Re-Cap

By Griffin Burke ‘15

Whether you went to Cancun or Canada; the Dominican Republic or the People’s Republic of China; Panama City, FL or Panama City, …Panama; it is safe to say that Spring Break was filled with good times and smart decisions.

There is nothing quite like seeing the influx of Spring Break pics on the Facebook News Feed of those MacD-sculpted bodies and the careful cropping of certain objects from the hands of those in the pictures. And as much as I wish I could talk about the great times at the Luke Bryan or Lil Jon concerts in PCB, the epic club scene in Vegas, or the sketchy cab rides in Jamacia, I cannot as #SB14 took me to a little town on the Mexican Gulf called Cancun.

This was a magical land. A land of adventure. A land of excitement. A land where I could only understand half of what was being said to me. And in such a land good decisions and even better stories are to be made.

Our first story occurs on the very first night there. Now being foreigners in a country that none of us had cell service in, the plan of course was to make sure we all knew where each other were - aka not run off to chase some girl or something as an individual. Foolproof right? Not when you are at one of the largest clubs in the world, and even with all the space, it is so crowded that it has to break every American fire code for safe capacity. Let me say the words “Coco Bongo” and if you have ever seen The Mask starring Jim Carrey, you will know what I am talking about.

MIDN X (let’s pretend this is an XYZ case to protect his identity), in full party mode, is dancing with a group of Danish tourists, having a good time, and next thing you know, he’s gone. Just gone.

Shipmates have to take care of shipmates, and our remaining group have spent an hour and a half searching through the strip looking for our lost friend. We finally reconvene and realize we have nowhere else to look after searching thoroughly through the club, the surrounding clubs, the nearby restaurants, and every cop car in the neighborhood.

So we decide to go out on a limb, what if somehow MIDN X miraculously got a cab driver to take him back to the resort?

“Not possible”, the consensus said. Well we have no other leads to go on, so we decide to give it a shot.

My friend pulls out his phone, turns on the Roaming services, and calls the resort.

“Hola, could you connect me to room 2073?”

Then we all wait in a moment of March Madness-level anticipation as the phone rings for what seemed like minutes.

“Schmello! What’s up?”

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“Hey man, you’re back in the room?”

“Yeah! I didn’t feel good so I took a cab back and now I am making myself a grilled cheese!”

And in the calmest response possible, “You didn’t want to tell any of us you were leaving? Never mind. Stay there, don’t move, this isn’t cool. How did you get back?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

Long story short, once we arrive back in the room, sure enough there is MIDN X asleep on the couch, the grilled cheese uneaten and still warm in his hands. And 1400 pesos (about $120) missing from his wallet apparently used for the 120 peso cab fare. But he was safe. Welcome to Mexico. After that, things got much more fun and less like a Liam Neeson movie.

The next highlight of Cancun 2014 comes on Monday night when the resort hosted “Beach Party Night.” Now when a group of college-aged kids hear about a “Beach Party Night,” it turns out their idea of it is a whole lot different than what the age 40+ majority and families of the resort has in mind.

Nonetheless in the wise words of the Wu Tang Clan, we Bring Da Ruckus. And in the even wiser words of a one Lil Jon, one MIDN took it to heart that there was no reason to “turn down” and proceeded to show up everyone on the dance floor, having compadres hold his feet up as he did some inverted twerking and handstand pushups.

The night continued in this manner until the in-room post-beach party was told no more music could be played in the building. But we all know Mids don’t give up that easy, so what do we do? Head out to the 24-hour pool, and take over the neighboring outdoor restaurant tables and in the words of Prince, “party like its 1999” (this is in reference to the musical selections played throughout the night of a 90’s child).

So how can these Mids improve even further on this trip?

How about that same dancing legend helping the daily water aerobics instructor Pepe lead the aerobics in nothing but a stars and stripes speedo.

Or how about Thursday or Friday night when the resort hosted Karaoke night?

For the usual crowd this would have meant throwing down some slow Al Green songs, or in the case of the 76 year old Scotsman, Richard, laying down some traditional Irish and Scottish ballads a cappella. But once again, the resort had to resort (see what I did there?) to using the now infamous Mids in the style of the Bloodhound Gang and put a little Uhn Tiss, Uhn Tiss into the festivities. We eased them in of course, with MIDN Y starting his singing career with a little bit of Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young.” And whether it was the golden pipes or the outrageous Hawaiian shirts, the people de-

manded more. So where do you naturally go after Billy Joel? How about “Oops I Did it Again” (performed by MIDN Y and some random Mexican lady with a full tattoo sleeve) followed by the Spice Girls “Wannabe,” compliments of MIDN Y (yet again…) and the Alpha Phi gals.

But nothing could have prepared them for the second night of karaoke. Cheers erupted throughout the venue as we showed up just as the karaoke was getting kicked off. People were excited, and by excited I mean people knew us by name. Let’s just say one MIDN may or may not have at one point known the entire choreography to “Bye Bye Bye” and taught the dance for the chorus to the rest of the Mids. A standing ovation by everyone from the age of 8 to 80, including our number one fan, William Wallace himself, Richard the Scot. I think there is a statue of us somewhere.

But all good things have to come to an end and with an over-dramatized and mic-stand-breaking rendition of Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” karaoke came to a close for the Mids… forever.

So while you may have no idea why you even bothered to read anything that was written here, as it was just a personal account of one group’s break, let me explain what kept you reading: the fact that no matter where you were for #SB14, there are some universal facts that we all encountered: 1) There will be stories that no matter how much time has passed, you will never want brought up again.

2) There will be stories that no matter what your rank, the Naval Academy can never find out.

3) You now have so much more to tell your grandchildren about the real world.

4) Bar hopping in Annapolis just became so much more expensive as the biggest muscle flexed over spring break was your liver.

5) Some photos will never appear on Facebook, but circulate the brigade nonetheless.

6) You should never let your friends skip leg day (or arm day?)

7) Sun burns are temporary, pride is forever. Good thing you didn’t lose any pride or dignity over break.

8) Speaking of sunburns, aloe may have become your best friend halfway through the week.

9) You are five pounds different than how you left – either more from eating too much or less from sacrificing food money for… other things.

10) The snow day could not have been timed better.

11) One week was more than enough to find the woman you want to take to Ring Dance.

12) Nothing will top your Spring Break experience… until next year.

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Artwork by Miguel Moravec ‘17

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Spring SWO Screener Training

By Hannah Bobell ‘15 Beep, beep, BEEP! My alarm at 0530 is especially annoying for some odd reason or another. I think about getting up. I really do. But then I roll over and go back to sleep.

I’m getting stronger.

I wake up and slide in my quick-shined leathers, one after another. My shirtstays keep my military tuck perfect, and my ike jacket has been dusted clean. I spit on my shoes one last time. Even though it’s not inspection day, there’s no time like the present to be 100% on watch.

That’s when I have my first and second cups of coffee.

At breakfast, it is two (Well, ok. two and a half…) doughnuts and my third cup of coffee. My body needs to be stronger. Harder. More tolerant. Now it is 0740.

I’m going to prove them all wrong. I’m going to show them what I’ve got. They think that I’m out of the game… They think that since I was not at the screener in the fall, I won’t be a threat. But I’m here to shove those curlers back in their laughing faces. I’m here to win. I’m here to navigate. I’m here to be the very best, like no one ever was…

It’s time to get serious. It’s time to train for the 2014 Spring SWO screener.

I walk through the tunnel, balancing my coffee as I weave expertly around slow, bumbling midshipmen. I now drink my fourth cup in those new, ridiculous shallow styrofoam cups. With no lid. I navigate, as usual, with expert precision.

While everyone else is sleeping during the VMS lecture, I am taking notes, front row—alert. Poised. Ready to pounce. You think that I got my fix time down to 35 seconds taking nippy-naps? You think I got where I am settling for a B on the 6-Week exam? No. I am steel. I am a rigid hull. I am the 3 miles of all-around visibility that a partially submerged vessel is required to show. My SWOter has been ironed to perfection; no dustbunny dares show his pesky little face on MY service sweater.

Everyone thinks that I am done, that I’m settling for aviation or SEALS… They thought wrong, and I’m coming for them.

Instead of doing intramurals, I go ahead and grab a bike in MacD and study up on my rules of the road. This is my daily routine. I’ll do abs later. To think, just one

missed flash, one whistle sounded a second too long could mean certain death… But I don’t dwell on it.

I can’t. The pressure will crush me like the second shock wave on a torpedo snapping the hull of a victimized vessel. This is the life that I’ve chosen to live--the burden that I’ve chosen to bear. I am ready to take up this responsibility, go to BDOCK, and earn that legendary pin of gold. I get off the bike, a thin bead of sweat forming slightly on my upper lip. If I could grow a SWO-stache, it would be much better, but--alas! The chains of my sex prevent me from doing so. I am ready to ellipticize that PRT. The SWO screener, for those who are not familiar with it, includes a rigorous walk up to Dunkin Doughnuts, a plotting exercise, and a period of watch.

During these events, you are graded not only on your performance, but on how many cups of coffee you can consume (the less “froo-froo,” the better), how many doughnuts you ultimately devour, and how many new ways you can think of to pass the PRT. (I have officially introduced ZUMBA, Turbo-Kick, and Jazzercizing, but it’s NBD…) I don’t expect the average midshipman to be familiar with this harrowing gauntlet of challenges; SWOs are kind of a quiet community. They don’t really like to talk about what they do or make that much of a stink about it. I mean, after that book, Lone Yeoman, things got pretty popular (I hear the movie is supposed to star Seth Rogen), but the fuss will die down and, like we always do, we will slip back into the water. Back into anonymity. Back to our watch. How many people actually went to see Battleship?

It is this kind of motivation that matters. It’s this kind of devotion that really shows. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to pull my watch; I am ready to take my place at the helm. When “5 degrees above or below” just isn’t cutting it, you will find me. When “good enough for government work” just isn’t good enough, I will be there. When someone needs to yell at the seaman to make a fresh cup of coffee or the milk machine in the officer’s mess is three degrees too warm, I will hear the call.

I am a SWO select, 2015. And I am coming for my place in this Global Force for Good.

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2% Dancing for the

By Jett Utah Watson ‘16 Listen here, cool cats and crazy gals! I’ve got a love story here to knock you clear to Wazoo! Springtime’s coming, and brings up all those warm and fuzzy feelings that you really just had to force to please St. Valentino.

Here’s a real-life tale of love, tight leather pants, and hair that happened right here at the United States Naval Academy (For the Left-Footed), so get ready to dance to some of that hot rock and roll that all the kids are going crazy for!

So it’s fall, and everyone’s coming back to school.

John Travolta (no relation), better known as Danny-he and his crew are finally on top. Seniors! ...I mean, Firsties! See, Danny rolls with the B-Birds, and they’ve all got these cool haircuts and leather Ike jackets and keep their calculators rolled up in their sleeves. (It was a different time, the time before Captain Clark.) Danny’s talking with his crew, catching up on their cruises, all that stuff. It was a busy summer, like any with Danny, am I right?!

So while those guys are goofing around, they don’t even notice the new girl around: Olivia Newton-John (no relation) is going around with some of the Blue Ladies, a whole crew of girls with just as much attitude as the B-Birds. Olivia, an Australian midshipwoman, did a small exchange cruise on a destroyer (more on that later), and wouldn’t you know it, ended up coming to the Academy for a whole semester! What are the odds? So Olivia Newton-John (Sandy to her friends, and also to her enemies), she’s getting the grand tour of this place we all love. She loves it too! She feels a strong bond with the other girls, and starts to tell them about this crazy cruise romance she had over the summer…

Strangely enough, on the other side of the montage, Danny is singing essentially the same song! But it gets

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Courtesy of “Aiming for the 2%” Blog weirder: they’re singing about the same romance! Whoa!

Why, you ask? Well, the romance was with each other!

Oh boy! You might say that those summer days, were drifting away, to-uh-oh-those su-hu-mer nights (well-uhwell-uh-well-uh)!

Anyway, let’s get a long story short here. Danny was a jerk. After all that romancing, he acted like Sandy wasn’t even all that whenever he saw her around school (which was a lot, because you will always see the person you least want to see around here). I mean, it’s Olivia Newton-John! What’s wrong with him? Man… Eventually, Sandy gets a makeover from the Blue Ladies so extreme that Danny will do anything to impress her again. He tried being a varsity athlete (Lightweight rowing was his first choice, so we all know how that went…), he tried joining the YP Squadron (fell over or stubbed his toe or whatever happens there), and even something else that would make you laugh (which won’t be mentioned here). But nothing was winning her over! Danny was about ready to give up, especially considering the fact that he had just bought a hot new mustang with the rest of his loan money! He knew he’d be dropping jaws and other jaws as he cruised down the streets.

Then, his old friend Kenickie gave him some advice.

Kenickie seemed pretty wild, but he’d been going steady with his high school sweetheart, and they were ready to get married after graduation. A strange leap to be making, but they felt they were ready. Why? Well, they each could survive without each other! They knew how to be themselves. That was the advice Danny needed.

And he probably ended up with Olivia Newton-John in the end! I don’t know, I was crying. Good luck in love and make smart choices!

Amusing Musings and General Distaste

By The LOG Staff

Why can’t we poop on the poopdeck, smoke in Smoke Park, scuttle to the scuttlebutt, or pee in the peeway?

What’s the quota for stupid questions at a Forrestall?

Artwork by Miguel Moravec ‘17

If we go from Butch Furgeuson to the phantom groper to the book thief to Night Wolf to the arsonist…

When does the Penguin make an appearance?

Seriously, who is Richard Snowden?

If we were getting rid of female covers anyway, why did we take a survey?

Even though Captain Clark’s gone, do we still get to meet KISS?

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DTA

By Kevin Deese ‘14 It’s no secret that the drinking scene in Downtown Annapolis is pretty legit. In fact, for a mid who is newly of legal drinking age (or a “First Company Minor”), the options can be a bit overwhelming.

Here is a breakdown of some popular DTA watering holes. May you find these tips to be helpful in your quests for weekend shenanigans.Consider this a 21st Birthday Training session that might actually help prepare you for your 21st birthday.

Charlie’s (above Mangia’s, a.k.a. Mangia’s)

Drink Prices: Average Convenience: Not bad at all Vibe: Chill, with a dash of sloppy Cover: None Signature Drink: Bombs in general Signature Song: “Freebird” by Lynryd Skynyrd

Charlie’s is a good place to go particularly if you’re tone deaf and love one-guy-with-a-guitar songs. Also, if you’re goal-oriented, get yourself started on earning your way into the “Bomb Squad” by drinking different kinds of bombs (shots of liquor dropped into half a glass of beer, which is then downed all at once). You get a shirt or something if you complete the card. Downstairs is Mangia’s, whose greasy pizza really hits the spot for the hordes of mids and townies that spill out of Pussers at 2:30.

Acme (a.k.a. “Schmackme”) The Federal House (a.k.a. Fed House, the Fed)

Drink Prices: Average for DTA (so kind of pricey) Convenience: Superb Vibe: Chill but lively, gets wild between 10 and 11 Cover: $5 after 10, but ladies always get in free Signature Drink: Fireball Signature Song: “Wobble” by V.I.C.

Fed House is a pretty popular mid hangout, especially given its proximity to Gate 1. Expect to see at least one person you know there, as well as most of the First Company Class of 2014. Also expect to hear very danceable music, to include “Wobble,” which will be played at least four times throughout the night.

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Drink Prices: Average Convenience: Decent Vibe: Jock City, trick Cover: $5 after 10 Signature Drink: Beer Tower/Tube Signature Song: “Hypnotize” by The Notorious B.I.G.

If you are a male varsity or pseudo-varsity athlete (especially if you are a wrestler or a lacrosse, rugby, or water polo player), then this is definitely your place. If you are not an athlete, just go somewhere else, because you probably won’t feel welcome at Schmackme. Besides jocks, Acme also features huge tubes filled with beer for about $15, which is sure to set the night off right or keep it going.

Reviewed

Fleet Reserve Club (a.k.a Fleet, the Fleet)

Castlebay Irish Pub (a.k.a. Castlebay)

Drink Prices: Average Convenience: Doable Vibe: Irish Pub chill Cover: ?

Signature Drink: Guinness Signature Song: “Wagon Wheel”

by Old Crow Medicine Show

Castlebay is great for its Irish Pub feel and the live music that is usually going on in the background. The bartenders are friendly and definitely appreciative of good tippers. It doesn’t turn into a party like Fed House or Acme, so if that’s not really your scene, give Castlebay a try.

Rams Head Tavern (a.k.a. Rams Head)

Drink Prices: Above Average Convenience: The Absolute Worst Vibe: Upstairs – middle-aged townie chill; downstairs – Irish Pub Cover: None Signature Drink: at least 100 different beers Signature Song: “Only the Good Die Young”

by Billy Joel

If you love beer, then you will love Rams Head. Home to the famous World Beer Club, the tavern boasts to have over one hundred beers available. The quest for World Beer Club membership is a formidable one and it requires much dedication.

The prize, however, is worth the effort for many, as is evident from the number of names of victors on the plaques that line the wall. Drinks are pricier than most places because you’re not there to buy Bud Light (If you are, then what are you doing with your life?), so if you go there you need a decent budget and definitely a strong love of beer, because it is hella far from Gate 1. If you’re starting early, go for a Rams Head dinner—the food alone is worth the walk.

Drink Prices: Dirt Cheap Convenience: Just okay Vibe: Chill (some would say too chill) Cover: None Signature Drink: Any Mixed Drink Signature Song: “Sail Away” by Styx

Fleet is the perfect choice for the economically savvy midshipman.

For whatever reason, the Fleet’s prices are ridiculously below DTA’s average. It is a private club, open only to members and active duty servicemembers and their guests. Fleet is the perfect place to go with all your friends to just kick back and drink, though some shun the low-key vibe in favor of more exciting places. And if you don’t go with friends, don’t worry, because Fourth and Tenth Companies will both be there, and they’re pretty friendly. Some people get beer here, but given the low prices, the best bang for your buck is Fleet’s mixed drinks or shots. Try a Dirty Girl Scout; they’re delicious.

Pussers (a.k.a. Ninth Wing)

Drink Prices: Ridiculous Convenience: Not at all Vibe: Sloppy with an air of future regrets Cover: None Signature Drink: The Painkiller Signature Song: “Timber” by Pitbull, ft. Ke$ha

Of course, a review of DTA bars would be utterly incomplete without the inclusion of Pussers. If the nickname “Ninth Wing” didn’t clue you in, it’s pretty popular among mids. No matter where you start your night, chances are you will probably end up at Pussers, and chances are you will make decisions you will later regret. A certain level of intoxication, however, is most definitely a prerequisite to braving the cesspool of midshipmen that is Pussers. Also, you don’t go to Pussers before midnight.

You just don’t. The music is usually typically designed to get you to dance, although occasionally there will be a bizarre country theme. Bottom line, whether you like it or not, you will drag people or get dragged to Pussers around midnight, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

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Upon Eye Dilation at Optometry Page 38

A Reflective Poem

By Hannah Bobell ‘15

Geez--that burns!

I’m glad I didn’t wear eyeliner today cuz I just loooove that bleary racoon look.

But I guess it’s not that bad.

But now The Economist isn’t looking too hot….

And the new immigration policies are blurring And the Ukraine is in chaos (But that’s happening for real.)

But it’s not that bad.

Now, to EE! Not a bad day.

It’s warm, and here comes the-HOLY GUACAMOLE, THE SUN! I’MBLOODYBLINDEDWHATWHERETHEYTHINKINGWHYDIDNOONEWARNME? What have they done?

How am I ever going to make it down Stribling and not tripping on a brick and-Quick! Shield your eyes!

I promise I’m not an introverted person. I literally just can’t raise my head.

DEAR GOD, IT BURNS. Seriously? Did it really need to be this potent?

I look like a cat.

“You’re getting your eyes dilated,” they told me.

Not, “Bring sunglasses because the sun is going to fry your retina.”

Thanks for nothing, guys.

Ok. Made it to class.

Geez… I can’t even see my darned homework…

Ok, glasses for the board.

Ok, glasses for the-WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SAY?!?

It’s as if somebody has strapped a furry puppy to my face.

Glasses on, glasses off.

Glasses on, glassess off.

Now you have it, Young Grasshopper.

What is the phase between the two curves?

How am I supposed to know?

Seriously. All year, you never call on me But today.

36 hours.

For cereal, Optometry?

Really? Typical.

And I’m not even eligible for surgery.

Artwork by Jess Miller ‘17

USNApp Store

Credited to Hannah Bobell ‘15 Artwork by Miguel Moravec ‘17

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