1 March 2011 THE UNIVERSITY OBSERVER
18 January 2011 THE UNIVERSITY OBSERVER
7
FEATURES
features@universityobserver.ie features@universityobserver.ie
Mental awareness: Mental awareness:
Incredibly weak, my knees buckling and my whole body shaking, I would retire to the nearest bed or couch and simply collapse into what felt like a coma
Depression Eating Disorders
In the first of a series in on mental health issues in Ireland, Leanne Waters In discusses the fourth instalment of our mental health series, mental Leanne Waters writes about her own personal wellbeing and depression experiences dealing with Bulimia Nervosa
TM
he term repulsive of habits. It worked in cycles: fast, in these moments is upsetting and disturbm e n t a la r k health is i n g binge, purge. During that period, I could ing to say the least. The goal was simple: get a concept manage weeks at a time with no food. Wary t h e as much in as fast as possible. And I did just that we are beginning of any hidden calories, I avoided food, all that. I’ve heard of other bulimics who considto see again and again b e in contemporary Irisheating drinks and even chewing gum and mouthginning of an er eating so much as an apple as a binge. This Features Editor And it would be noted and concluded, most society. From isonline wash. Brushing my teeth was a necessity, but disorder a tricky was not the case with me. Though I wouldn’t support organisations to the HSE telling us meticulously, through texture and colouraI cowered over the sink every time for what I dare break a fast for something like an apple, on our television screensendeavour. to “look after yourSome tion. Aware of what I had eaten, it was easy Features Editor what putting in my mouth. could argue when I broke it, I really broke it. mental health,” it appears that there’s no it get-begins to note what had come up and what was left ting away from the challenge of having to Fasting was – in one way – very easy. My with the first skipped meal, or when the body Weeks without food leave an individual, take on and really consider this seemingly to come up. mind was split in two between the real me startsenigmatic to deteriorate, or perhaps not even unquite simply, ravenous. I have one image imnotion. Marking when to finish became logical; and the bulimic me. My bulimic self contil oneWith has sobeen printed in my mind of a 2am binge in which muchclinically importancediagnosed being weight-under the substance had, by this point, turned alon the term itself, one does beg to ‘anorexic’, wonvinced the both of us of how horrid food thoseednow terribly familiar terms; I sat in front of an open fridge for 20-odd most to pure liquid and my stomach would der, what exactly is mental health? Accordwas, of how watching someone actively put ‘bulimic’, ‘binge eater’ or whatever the given minutes devouring everything my fingers ing to Sandra Hogan of Aware Ireland – a start to pull as if someone was trying to yank this horrible stuff into their mouth was the condition. touched. For me, a binge would last anything national support organisation for depression it out through my throat. It would also make Lincoln was one of the many historical figures to have been regularly struck with depression. – mental health can be prevalence seen in variousoflights most grotesque of sights. And we didn’t want The usually weighty time be-Abraham from 15 minutes up to an hour and a half. a very distinct noise with every wretch. In this but in a broader sense refers to the emotionto be that person. Instead, she and I existed comes unravelled under the influence of such Sometimes I would begin a binge with no al and psychological wellbeing of any given way, I knew I had finished. on water and black coffee. And we felt pure. a disease. No longer a mere journey from A intention of purging. quite I and moderate depression, severe depression, ingIndeed, through any issuesoften with someone close.” their families are understood and supportindividual. every purge, I would sleep. Incredas well as bipolar disorder. latter ofperson these Universally, is seen of What the The average recognises as ed, are free from stigma and have access to a to B in Hogan your life, time becomes andifferent ambiguous could barely see past the next sliceJanuary of cake go-to be oneAfter states: “There are many ibly weak, my knees my to whole conditions, in its most primitive of explathe most depressing times on the calendar, broad range of buckling appropriate and therapies endefinitions health, but in general hunger pains became excruciating after matter and canforbemental warped through the distoring down my throat. However, after a time, I nations, involves periods of extreme depreswith January 22nd reported to be thebody sad- shaking, able them to reach their fullto potential”. It is it refers to our mind, emotions and thought I would retire the nearest of not eating. tionsprocesses; of both how memory and thought-process.sions andweeks would become so violently and be that time of a voluntary establishment formed in 1985 of extreme highs, along Despite with the this, such pains dest day ofillthe year.would It remains we think and feel about ourbed or couch and simply collapse into what were welcomed, they marked and docuusual symptoms of a depressiveasstate. Toselves say and when I began onwemy of Buliin such agony from year whatwhen I had to myhave wrapped the done celebrations by a group of interested patients and mental others and how copepath with life coma. Guilt, shame andwas utter selfsymptoms, are seen in all Along with this, up, have whenno reality andchoice; responsibilityfelt havelike ahealth professionals, whose aim to assist and its challenges. health issues are and These mented mywhich ongoing success. mia Nervosa would Mental take me back years stomach, that I would other of the above conditions include: feelings fallen firmly back on the ground, when the that section of the population whose lives repulsion would then ensue and in these mocommon and can affect any of us at any success was seen in my incredibly low body through far too many a personal experience several times I beganweather vomiting before I’d evenalong the lines are directly affected by depression. of boredom, sadness, lethargy and anxiety; promotes something time. Many factors can influence a person’s ments, I was happy to escape into a forgetful temperature. I washabits; cold all the time, wrapped to share. But, as every story must finished eating. disruptions in normal sleeping poor of pathetic fallacy and when funds are probThe website goes on to explain: “400,000 mental wellbeing: difficulties in lifehave (for a besleep. different people suffer from depression in concentration; low self-esteem and feelings ably at their lowest. And with the ongoing example) relationship problems, financial up in several layers and slept for hours on ginning, permit me to set my beginning in On other occasions, I would enter into of worthlessness; a loss of interest in socialis hitting the majorThis cycle ofatfasting, binging andhide purging Ireland any one time, but many their concerns, bullying and lossItarewas quitearound signifi- this end, day and night. the latter part of 2008. a binge reassured byeconomic the factturmoil that that I knew I ising and pastimes; and, of course, suicidal ity of the nation, it seems all too natural to months. conditionI had and never get help. Sadly,taking over cant.” lasted been excessively The binge – though others may not untime that one could have witnessed the tranwould purge soon after. Purging was, on thoughts. allow for submission into what is truly a de500 people take their own life each year. It has become clear in recent years that laxatives and had lost in the region of about According to the–experts of Aware, the the worst part. This pressive state. act. To enderstand was arguably sitionmental fromhealth whathas wasnotonce a health-conthese occasions, a premeditated Since its foundation in 1985, Aware has beenjust valued on the four stone. reflection, I had reached foundations thispoint of mental con- time. This was Moreover, in a matter of such been In working energetically to bring support a to which it thoroughly in ourof the wasofthe of ill-health failure every sciouslevel individual, into the deserves beginning sure its perfect execution, I would be sure to magnitude dition can be rooted from many contribuand of such personal properties, it is point noth- of to depression sufferers and very their lethargic families, lieve in our own invincibility while we are society. On this point, Hogan contends: emaciation. I became the point when you gave into all your horrid most“We dangerous threat in my life to date. drink as much water as possible to lubricate tors. They state: “Depression has a numing less than necessary to approach with an andwith to dispel the myths andor misunderstandso young. still have a long way to go in terms of and weak, little energy motivation. temptations, when you thought It began withwith a diet. Teetering throat and makeair the ordealand a little less ber of possible causes. For some everything people, it of delicacy understanding. It is an ings of this devastating illness.” However, the reality my remains that despite how we deal mental health but around I think the Physically, holes began to form at thesensitive back of comes about as a result of a traumatic life important facet of the issue to not give in In a context of such a deeply our somewhat audacious views on what we that as afigure society of we about are getting better. you were working for fell to pieces and you unnerving 175 pounds, I rehorrific. event such as bereavement, relationship to the will of an apparent cloud of negativsubject, perhaps theseveral right words canduring come my teeth and I fainted times can and can’t handle, we as students are ex“Young people can really help with that lost all control of yourself. But more than solvedtoo,tosolose weight. In our image-obsessed The purge was almost always inevitable. breakdown, financial difficulties or bullying. ity. In the knowledge that at some point fromasfew One source may beof tremely vulnerable to the threat of mental it’s important that they do what they thisorperiod, wellsources. as enduring a number this, binging remains one of the most revoltculture, where flawlessness and popular It would be carried out when nobody was “In other situations, the person may have another we will all suffer from some mental found in one Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln ill health. Social life and academic studies can to help to make it a more open society months without menstruating. an inherent tendencya towards issue indeed depression it was among the most famous of historical aside, without prioritising our psychologiwhere people with depression mentalit was ing things person depression, can do. ‘ideals’ dominate every media(and outlet, in earshot or when ithealth could beordrowned out itself, and such genetic factors can be key in the Moreover, I suffered and becomes easier to lighten one’s troublesome characters who was from knownheadaches to have suffered cal and emotional wellbeing, we run the risk ill-health) can get the help and support they To think back and try to envision myself an all-too-natural aspiration to shed some under the noise of a running electric shower. case of bipolar disorder. This mood disorload through many ways and outlets. Firstly, mental ill health andthat had the a “tendency to of causing more damage to ourselves than a need.” dizziness and also found emotional pounds.This Andbeing theresaid, wasawareness, no disgrace in what der I involves not just periods of depression, €230 failed module causes to our bank ac- we have Aware itself. Hogan talks a little bit be melancholy” and once commented that empathy but also periods of elation, where the perabout the work they do. saw, simply, as the pursuit perfection. such an affliction is to be observed as it is “a counts. and understanding remain of factors of absoson’s mood is significantly higher than nor“Aware provides information and emomisfortune, not a fault”. On the topic of student vulnerability, lute necessity in creating a before more open and Daily gym attendance schooldays mal. During these periods, he/she may have tional support services for both individuals On the matter, Lincoln said: “In this sad Hogan decisively expresses her position: harmonious country for mental health to became the norm for a number of months excessive energy with little need for sleep, who experience depression and also family world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to “Yes students and young people are at risk flourish. One of the main consequences of and eventually escalated may have grandiose ideas and may engage members/friends concerned for a loved one. the young, it comes with bitterest agony, of mental health issues. There are a lot of poor mental health we canto see frequenting in daily life is the in risk-taking behaviour.” Services include loCall Helpline (1890 303 because it takes them unawares. The older changes that happen during adolescence Aware.ie classes as “aup to gym depression. twice a day and, at depression weekends, Now that we can argue with extraordi302) open 365 days a year; support groups have learned to ever expect it. and when combined with the transition common condition which affects more threevery times. The transition from this time to nary confidence that depression and mennationwide and online; email support ser“Perfect relief is not possible, except with from school to college, it can cause probthan one in ten people at any one time. Any the point emergency that wasortobackfollow is tal ill health are not only dangerous to any vice (wecanhelp@aware.ie); free informatime. You cannot now realise that you will lems. of us, of irrespective of age, gender individual but that they are also extremely tion and online discussion forums. Aware ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is “Mental health issues can impact on a ground can be affected at any point in our a blurry one. common, here we must consider the threat also offers a Beat the Blues secondary a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. person’s confidence, it can cause relationpeople come through depression It life. Most entails merely snapshot memories of of these things to students. schools awareness programme to increase To know this, which is certainly true, will ship difficulties, and it can hamper studies with help, and early recognition and ongofriends commenting, “Is that all you’re eatIn a time when we are contending with knowledge of depression among young make you some less miserable now. I have as well. So it is very important to get help. ing support are essential for a positive outso many demanding factors, we as students people and enable them to identify sources ing?”come.” and nights spent crying about my aphad experience enough to know what I say; Eating a balanced nutritious diet is impormust come to terms with the fact that we of help in their lives.” and you need only to believe it, to feel better tant. [As well as] limiting alcohol intake if this matter, there are several different parent On failure to lose a sufficient amount of are potentially damaging our own mental The foundation’s mission is to “create a at once.” you are prone to low mood, getting regular variations and forms in which depression weight. To pinpoint what exactly caused this health. It seems a natural occurrence to besociety where people with depression and For more information, visit www.aware.ie. exercise, having close friendships [and] talkcan manifest itself. Among these are mild
400,000 different people suffer from depression in Ireland at any one time, but many hide their condition and never get help
rather rapid transition is a matter that still remains unresolved in my own head. The real turning point came in the form of a new diet. Your stereotypical yo-yo dieter, I had not been reaching my desired goals and so embarked on what I saw as the fastest means possible. Said diet involved drinking three prescribed milkshakes every day and nothing else. For two weeks, not so much as a morsel passed my lips. The milkshakes provided me with adequate energy levels, while drinking litres of water eased the growing lethargy. In those two weeks of June 2009, I lost a little under a stone in body weight. And yet, it was not enough. When one reaches a certain weight – one that is natural to your anatomical structure – they may notice that further weight loss is a great deal more difficult. To continue in this pursuit, it requires more restriction and utter dedication. Such dedication is not to be read in a positive light, as more often than not, it demands unhealthy sacrifice. I cannot remember the first time I purged (self-induced vomiting), but it was a moment that would lead to the most destructive and
Anorexia nervosa often emanates from a distorted self-image.
9
Features effects of my situation led me to feel very depressed and extremely isolated. Despite this, I remember lying in bed at night on more occasions that my pride would care to admit, with a feeling of overwhelming satisfaction. I relished in my protruding ribcage and hips and enjoyed holding up my arms to glory in their daintiness. I had reached rock bottom. Such dramatic changes both in my physique and my character, of course, did not go unnoticed by family and friends. My parents’ constant concern was forever growing and, in hindsight, I allowed their many comments and tears to fall on deaf ears. Similarly, friends could no longer bear what they were witnessing and attempted intervening as best they could. I discarded their concerns and nearabandoned their friendships, replacing them instead with like-minded victims on pro-Ana (anorexic) and pro-Mia (bulimic) websites. The hurt I caused these people is irrevocable. Ultimately, psychological therapy became necessary. It usually always is. A common misunderstanding as regards bulimia and other eating disorders is the role of the victim and whether said individual has simply chosen this path. To clarify, an eating disorder is never a choice but rather one is consumed by thoughts and behaviours dictated by someone else. This second party is of course, the condition itself; it is the bulimic self briefly commented upon earlier. Moreover, an eating disorder is rarely about weight loss. More often than not, it is rooted in the very ambiguous concept of control. Months of therapy brought me to understand just that. Having felt as if control over my life and the many facets within it was slipping away, I had resorted to grasping and maintaining the only thing I could. As a result, I sacrificed my health, my psychological well-being, my academia and the well-being of many loved ones. Though it seems altogether curious as to why one would parade their personal and, quite simply, horrid experiences, I write this piece in an attempt to undermine the shame attached to such an illness. With mental ill health becoming more widely understood in contemporary society, the unveiling of personal realities is, I believe, a necessity. As stated at the beginning, in marking the beginning of an eating disorder, one may find tremendous difficulty. Its origins lie too far back to account for every reason or justification. Furthermore, the end of an eating disorder comes only when one can live without thinking of it. When it becomes natural to live a bulimic life, any other existence seems grossly unnatural. As such, it is only when living – as one is encouraged to live – becomes natural that I believe an eating disorder has truly ceased. Until that point, it is a constant battle to shield oneself from the temptations of regression. Such is the state in which I write this article post-therapy, living healthily and happily, fighting an ongoing daily battle.