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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!

.com

FREE

October 2013

YOUR ORAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT TO US! NEW lways Patients A Welco me!

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 Millett Drive, Auburn

784-1577 Taylorbrookdental.com

RATES ARE STILL LOW Call for your purchases or to refinance today! Conventional ★ FHA ★ VA ★ MSHA ★ RD

A local lender you can trust! Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551

181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 www.rmsmortgage.com •dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com

This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

Jewelry to fall in

love with

145 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

Armandsab@aol.com


I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. (That’s why our cover is pink this month!)


I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA OCTOBER 2013 Saturday, Oct 5th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper CANCELED RESCHEDULED FOR NOVEMBER (Chapter 14346) October 5th thru October 31st Pumpkin Land Sat. & Sun. 11am – 6pm (Chapter 10929) Harvest Hill Farm, Rt 26 Poland Adults $3; Kid’s $7.50 (16/under includes pumpkin) Sunday, Oct 6th Sabattus American Legion Post 135 Breakfast 7am – 10am (Chapter 8609) Island Rd, Sabattus $6 per tix Saturday, Oct 12th Member Appreciation Day 11am – 1pm (Chapter 12907) Modern Woodmen Office, 184 Webster St, Lewiston MEMBERS ONLY – NO CHARGE Sunday, Oct 13th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest; Child / 10 free Tuesday, Oct 15th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Market Place Mall, Lewiston $3.50 Member; $4 Guest Thursday, Oct 24th Lewiston Mandarin 11:30am – 1:30am (Chapter 10589) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, Oct 29th Roy’s Breakfast 7am – 10am (Chapter 14437) Washington St, Auburn $2 Member; $2.50 Guest

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.


Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q."

QUALITY CUSTOM DENTURE WORK Affordable Dentures

www.UncleAndys.com

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Staff

FREE CONSULTATIONS

JIMBO is Back in the Game

UNCLE ANDY Pining over his Wood Pile

MAGGIE Rocks and Rolls

MARTY

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Most Dental Insurances Accepted • We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 www.smileagaindentures.com See us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures

• Rebases • Relines • Repairs

FILLs Good

Dig where the gold is, unless you need the exercise.

ANGIE RASH-inal-izes

TOM Has LANDed

PAM Now has a chauffeur

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES - There is a mile between the first and last letters!


All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Skilled Labor Submitted by Jimbo

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

Order hen c ew kit your n d have it n now a for the d rea y ys! holida

Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

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The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter." Which US President is credited with starting baseball's seventh inning stretch? Answer: William Howard Taft

995 Center St. Auburn

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Have you heard about the crime in multi-story parking garages? It's just wrong on so many levels.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding

I'm sorry, that's not vague enough for me. Could you be a little less specific?

Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot

Alex, could you at least wait until I say ‘You may kiss the bride?’

Saturday, October 5th American Legion • 426 Washington St. • Auburn Time: 7:00-11:00 pm • $10.00/person To purchase tickets in advance, contact Crystal at 207-740-2958 or crystalst137@yahoo.com

Meet Mrs. & Mr.

Angie & Alex Jacobsohn Ahhh... young love. It’s what makes the world go round.

Colby and Paige Nadeau are 6 and 8 year-old siblings living with Doose/MAE Syndrome, a catastrophic, medresistant form of Epilepsy. They have been struggling with this for 5 years and now newer treatments and travel expenses to specialty medical centers are not covered by insurance. This is where the Dance for Team Nadeau comes in. Money raised from the benefit will help to ease the burden of medical bills and treatments, and give mom and dad a little peace of mind.

Why do people say "needless to say"?

Inside the Dog House

Maggie Joyce Office manager at UAD

The strongest bone in the body, the thigh bone, is hollow. Ounce for ounce, it has a greater pressure tolerance and bearing strength than a rod of equivalent size in cast steel. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Logan Chute & Rick Black enjoy being in The Doghouse everyday! Find them on Turner Street in Auburn

As you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall.


Burt Reynolds grew up in Palm Beach, Florida and was the son of the town's police chief.

Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot

THE KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL, NOW IT’S TIME TO GET BACK TO YOU! Fabulous Fall Packages ❧ Herbal Body Wraps ❧ Pumpkin Sugar Scrub ❧ After Sun Treatment ❧ Autumn Package ❧ Harvest Package Book your appointment & buy gift cards right on our website!

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I’m so proud of you, Angie.

Thanks, dad. Now about your next ad...

Angie with her dad, Tim Lafrance

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Alex with his mom, Julie Deane Angie, where’s the party after the party?

We sell a full line of Bare Escentuals Mineral Makeup www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON

(207) 783-3321 A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.

Specials

Thomas Hill Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Dress Rehearsal

What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry, I'm a little horse.

Submitted by Jimbo

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded, "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?" His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Make sure you give that back when you’re done... I haven’t finished reading it yet.

Eva & Peter Leavitt of Turner spent four weeks traveling the U.S. and found a copy of Uncle Andy’s at the Corner in Winslow, Arizona.

Where does

Halloween rate on your holiday list?

When England was a province of Rome, the city of Cheshire was noted for its fine cheese. The Romans built a wall around the town to protect it. Cheshire cheese was made in a mold shaped like a cat, later made famous as the smiling feline in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it… so I'm going to move to New York. – Steven Wright


Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Out ’n About with Billy Jacobs at Bear Necessities in Auburn. Billy Jacobs reigns from Ohio. He is an accomplished folk artist, photographer, song writer & musician. He came to Maine to attend an event at Bear necessities.

What did a green grape say to a purple grape? Breathe stupid!

• • • •

Marine Canvas (Boats/Yachts) Cushions (Boat/Home) Upholstery (Boat/Home/Auto) Metal Fabrication • Repair Call about FREE Boat Storage for Winter Work

41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

783-5600 Mona Morin & Roma Olberding What a great time of year to come to Maine. Billy and I loved our visit here!

Mike Chasse, Rita Goggin, Patty, & Billy Jacobs

Enroll in October and your 4th week is FREE!

Patty

REFERRAL SPECIAL Early Learning Center Parents of currently enrolled students: Refer a friend and get 1 week FREE for yourself & your referral! Now through Oct. 31st

Billy Jacobs Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene

946-KIDS NEW HOURS! 6am - 6pm

Where do you find a Zebra? 25 letters after A-Brah.


Animal Instinct

Peter the Great of Russia was almost 7 feet tall.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Mens & Boys CUTS for

$

12

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Brad’s Precision Auto ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

• Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Brad

Call us today! Steve

Ryan

333-0364

e m o r d l o l Ro ts Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: pm ght 7:30 - 10 ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?” “Because we needed the eggs!” Customer: “Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?” Waiter: “I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.”

Decisions Submitted by Thomas Hill

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

E FALL SCHE- AgDesU20L + 7:30-10pm

The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?” “Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.

783-3444

NO PROBLEM!

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

Father: “Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!” Mother: “So who’s the lucky man?” Father: “The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist.” What grows up while growing down?

www.rollodrome.com

I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

Answer: A goose

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament

If the early bird gets the worm, look what happens to the early worm.

You can call me Ranger Rick today. I’ll be keeping an eye on all these “golfers”.

Mark Bosse Keep up with me if you can.

We specialize in vehicle wraps and lettering. After

SAVE 20% on your next order! Go to: eastcoastsigndesign.com Before

Fill out our new quote page and SAVE!!

October only

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Bill Printup We’ll be hanging loose all day, Mark. Ah, I mean Ranger Rick...

COLOR THEIR DAY…

Treat them to an autumn bouquet!

Call or order right from our website!!

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

www.annsflower.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.


The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.

Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament I’m predicting we shoot 5 under today.

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.

“Sir Nick” Benoit It’s an honor to have our photo under Sir Nick’s! He is a golfing legend...

Heather & Tom Printup Fire & Slice tournament coordinators

Same Day Emergency Care Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:

Keep your head down, keep your head down, keep your frickin’ head down!

730 Center Street

Mon.-Fri. 7am - 5pm

Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 auburnplazafamilydentistry.com We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet ya at the corner!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Dead Duck

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare. – Rod Schmidt

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

FALL CLEARA

The Back Forty Used 2012 Chevy Malibu 1LT

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After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

2.4L 4 Cyl, Gold, 2.0L 4 Cyl., Manual 38K, 4dr Auto. 6 Spd. 5Spd., 10K, Silver our price

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bot-

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.


(continued from previous page)

Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

ANCE SALE!!

d Car & Truck Center 2011 Jeep Wrangler Sport

2012 Hyundai Sonota Hybrid

2010 Toyota Camry LE

2.4L 4 Cyl., Auto., Black, 5k, 4 Dr.

Tan, 2.5L 4cyl., Auto. 6 Spd. 35k, 4dr

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2009 Toyota Venza

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2007 Honda Civic EX Coupe

2008 Ford Supercrew Cab

Silver, V8 Auto 4speed, Red, 3.8L V6, 4 Spd. Silver, 60k VLP 29k, 4WD

tom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

Green, V6, Auto 6speed, AWD SUV, 49k

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The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament

"A good cure for insomnia is: Get plenty of sleep." – W.C. Fields

Stick with me, kid. They don’t call me Bev Ridge for nothin’!

Pawel & Karen “Bev Ridge” Nichols Red snappa’s are the best hot dogs in the world!

This is my favorite Koozie...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? A: Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)


October is dental hygiene month. Ironically, October is also dessert month.

WE HAVE THE AUTO LOAN FOR

Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament I didn’t see much FIRE from many golfers, but I saw lots of SLICE from many...

YOU! LE C I H VE ANS LO Jill Webster

AS CHRISTM LOANS SPECIAL RATES!

Red Snappa lady

Cindy, that spread of food was excellent. Nice job by you and your crew!

Cyndi Robbins & Bill Printup

FUEL LOANS

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com Germany's Oktoberfest originally began on October 17, 1810, the wedding day of King Ludwig I.

Jen Small & Justin Carver Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot

Alex, Alex, Alex...

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. – Bill Hicks

Electric Beach T A N N I N G

S A L O N

after 24 years we are

RELOCATING to our larger, new location at

97 Center Street Auburn (next to Pat’s Pizza)

783-9488

Jen Boucher

777-3339

Angie, Angie, Angie...

REMOTE STARTERS 216 Center Street, Auburn

Lyndsey Deane Angie, Alex, Congratulations!

Next to Republic Jewelry, Parking in back of building

soundeffectsmaine.com Come test drive your next vehicle today!

Browse our entire inventory online at:

Rob Ziobrowski

www.IndependentAuto.me

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

or Visit us at 686 Sabattus St. & 1298 Sabattus St. in Lewiston 786-7744 • 520-0028

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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The astronaut stepped on chewing gum. He got stuck in Orbit.


Dress Code

Mike Morin’s

Submitted by Jimbo

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

It’s never too early to get your vehicle ready for winter! Come see us today!

Mike Morin

OIL CHANGE

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Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

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One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

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ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company." A bee has five eyes, two large compound eyes on either side of its head, and three ocelli (primitive eyes) on top of its head to detect light intensity.

Now Offering Finish Repair & Restoration • Complete or Partial Refinishing • Broken Head Stocks a Specialty Call now to schedule your FREE consultation & estimate

www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

“...with 200+ gigs a year and countless hours playing, I simply wore out my custom acoustic guitar. Steve did a great job hand fitting a new bone saddle as well as leveling and crowning the frets for me. He put my guitar back to like new playing condition. Thanks Steve... Denny”

Denny Breau, Musician

Main St. Music Lessons 376-3376

& Instrument Repair 44% of kids watch television before they go to sleep.

134 Main Street, Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot Hey, we’re married.

Hey, we’re married.

The first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.

From 2-button to 3-button to double breasted suits, we have what you need to dress to impress!

Dress to Impress

ALL SUITS Alex & Angie Jacobsohn I taught Angie everything I knew about marriage.

available for purchase

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199

Does not include tailoring.

S&J Tuxedos & Limo Service 76 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 333-3737 www.sjtuxedos.com

For the movie "Tootsie" actor Dustin Hoffman thought of the title. His mother used to call him that as a child.

Probably a short conversation, huh?

Andy Marsh & Anna Waldman Before turning to a career on the pulpit as the Reverend Billy Sunday, the soon-to-be evangelist was a superb outfielder with the Chicago White Stockings. Many observers credited Sunday with helping Chicago win the pennant back in 1886. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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October 2013

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Black pepper is the most popular spice in the world.


It would take twenty new mid-size cars to generate the same amount of pollution that a mid-size 1960's car did.

Out ’n About at the Central Maine Heart Walk Photos by Katie Davis

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES SPORTS SHOP

Phil Crawford

84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

gets interviewed by News8

Let’s put our backs into it...

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

www.CummingsAgency.com 1-800-339-0414

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morrissette • Joline Waite

207-345-8711

Have an automotive problem? Ask the Auto Guys

One foot in front of the other gets you there every time.

email us your auto questions at asktheautoguys@gmail.com

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon

353-9862 qualitycareautorepair.com

Crayola is a French word that means "Oily chalk."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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21


Out ’n About at the Central Maine Heart Walk

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Mended Hearts Chapter 358

Their reason for walking.

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today! 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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October 2013

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If you deceive people about your lack of hair, there will be hell toupee.


What's the biggest pencil in the world? Pennsylvania.

All Tied Up Submitted by Jimbo

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return." Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself.

One out of 20 people have an extra rib.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

Riddle Me This Q: How do you make one disappear?

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Approximately 40% of the U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit by the end of the Civil War.

A: Add a g to make it gone or an n to make it none.

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."

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100+ Years of Fatherhood In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the DVD Player.

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus, ME 04280 • 207-375-8502

Open 7 Days a Week 6am-8pm

2 LARGE 1 TOPPING PIZZAS & a 2 LITER OF SODA

$ ✂

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.

About 70 percent of American households buy yellow mustard every year.

19.99 Limit 1 per customer

UAD Expires 10.31.13

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Dr. Chen & Jim Janelle Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry partnered up with Uncle Andy’s Digest to run a social media marketing contest where one lucky person would win an iPad mini. Jim was that lucky guy chosen from 4,650 entries.

Congrats, Jim!

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." (continued on next page)

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MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


(continued from previous page)

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

JT REID’S Gun Show October 19th & 20th Saturday 9am-4pm & Sunday 9am-3pm Where: Boofy Quimby Hall 96 Howes Corner Rd. in Turner

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!" In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-box!" In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge." “The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents." – John J. Plomp

Cost: $5/pp (Under 16 Free) Active Duty Military No Charge

** Buy, Sell, Trade, Concessions, Raffles** This is a guns and ammo show only featuring dealers from New England. Concealed firearms prohibited in show even with permit.

FMI: 86 Court St., Auburn

777-3579 www.jtreidsgunshop.com jtreidsguns@yahoo.com Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

A horseshoe for a fullgrown Clydesdale measures more that 22 inches from end to end and weighs about five pounds. It is more than two times as long and four times as heavy as a shoe worn by a riding horse. 19 of Uncle Andy’s friends go to the movies. The ticket lady says, "Why are there so many of you here tonight?" Uncle Andy replies, "The film says 18 and over, miss." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

Soup is on!

$

3.99 3-pc Roadies Chicken Dinner 6.99 $ 10” 1-topping Fresh Dough Pizza 6.50 Large Cheeseburger Sub

Bookkeeping Plus

$

QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts.

BOB MENNEALY For Auburn School Committee at large “I will tirelessly strive as part of a team for a cost effective, efficient, student oriented, & goal centered Auburn school department that communities throughout Maine will envy!” – Bob Mennealy paid for by candidate

Blackie’s Farm Quality Used Furniture

Fresh Produce

Open Year Round

at affordable prices! Buying Single Items or Entire Estates! 386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com

Past 2 Present Furniture

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 783-7020 Hours: 6am - 8pm

966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 t Comfor n a C u Yo n! O t n u o C

GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad

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Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty. – Joan Rivers


Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse

2008 Subaru Wagon Limited

Return on Investment Submitted by Tom Hill

An old ranch-hand wanted a loan for $500.

$9,950

$14,950

GTS 84K, White, Auto., 6 Cyl.

Charcoal, Alloy Wheels, Auto, AWD, 90k

2006 Subaru Impreza Outback Sport

2010 Chevrolet HHR

The banker pulled out the loan application. "What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the old man. "Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?"

$9,950

$9,950 Blue, Auto., 145K, Alloy Wheels, AWD

Black, 78k, Alloy Wheels, tinted windows

2008 Nissan Armada

2008 Subaru Impreza Outback

"Don't know what collateral is," replied the old man. "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

$14,950

$19,950

Sport, Black, Auto, Alloy Wheels, 72k

Black, 4WD, V8, heated leather seats, 85k

2006 BMW

All Subarus Come With:

$8,950

• 12-month/12,000 miles Warranty on all Head Gasket Issues • Vehicles fully serviced and maintained in-house • In-house direct lending available

Manual, 6 Cyl. heated leather seats

"Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the old man. The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse," replied the old man. "How old is it?" the banker asks. "Don't know, has no teeth," replies the old man. Finally the banker decided to take a chance and make the $500 loan.

www.rjbandson.com I slept like a log last night, I woke up in the fireplace.

(continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page)

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay you back." he said.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

The Jingle Men

He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks. You wait till you hear what we come up with for the Digest. It will be memorable and remarkable!

“Put in my mattress,” replied the old man "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" the banker asked. "Deposit into your bank?" replied the old man. "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

Ed & Emmanuel Boucher EAB International Most people know Ed from his music background and the many bands he’s been in over the decades. He is the guy behind many memorable jingles, including the Marden’s catchy jingle, “I should have bought it when I saw it...” and many, many more. Emmanuel, Ed’s son and sidekick at EAB does cinematography and graphic design on a lot of their projects.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

The old man leaned across the desk and asks the banker... "What you got for collateral?" Light takes one-tenth of a second to travel from New York to London, 8 minutes to reach the Earth from the Sun, and 4.3 years to reach Earth from the nearest star.

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

Baked Ziti

The Fergy

Meatball Subs

Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

Riddle Me This Q: What can elephants make that no other animal can?

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99

A: Baby elephants Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.


Customer: “Waiter, do you serve crabs?” Waiter: “Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.”

Earlybird Special

$

5 OFF any two entrees

Monday-Friday • 2-4pm

✁Expires 10.31.13

L/A’s Best Steaks

UAD

Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés Call us for your catering needs

We are expanding! • WE ARE STILL OPEN DURING CONSTRUCTION • Come in and see us!

macsgrill.com

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. – Jim Davis

Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary

That’s right! Our parents ROCK!!

Angie Larochelle, Melissa Field & Crystal Bergeron All three are the daughters of Claude & Brenda Fontaine

People are like a Tea Bag, we never know how strong we are until we’re in hot water.

Brown Bag Lunch Submitted by Tom Hill

Jimbo and Uncle Andy pull into Mac’s Grill, sit at the bar and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican (Mike) approaches them and says, “Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!” Jimbo & Uncle Andy look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Locked Out Submitted by Tom Hill

One rainy evening, my husband and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. He then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."

Reading Preference I was visiting my son recently and asked him where his newspaper was. He laughed and said, “Dad, it’s the 21st century. We stopped buying newspapers years ago. It saves trees. But you can borrow my iPad.” Okay, fine, whatever. I bet that lousy housefly never knew what hit it. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Local Restaurants & Entertainment VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area

Book Your Holiday Party Now! Ask about our 80 seat private function room.

Showing every game all season long... in HD! Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs!

Follow us on Twitter @gipperssportsgr

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com The Kodiak, which is native to Alaska, is the largest bear and can measure up to eight feet and weigh as much as 1,700 pounds.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu It’s true, we’re regulars at Rolly’s Diner. Good food with good friends... we love it here!

Judy, Cindy, & Julie

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

In 1873, Colgate made a toothpaste that was available in a jar.


You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

Crime Scene Submitted by Jimbo

L/A’S HOTSPOT FOR WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT Football Games

MONDAYS Hospitality Night 20% OFF total bill TUESDAYS Open Mic Whiskey WEDNESDAYS

$1 off Selected Whiskey

THURSDAYS Happy Hour 2pm-closing FRIDAYS Ladies Night SATURDAYS All Day $3.50 Allagash Drafts SUNDAYS Open

OCTOBER BAND SCHEDULE

$8/pitchers

Fri. Oct. 4th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Brookside Band Sat. Oct. 5th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Hauled Fri. Oct. 11th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Scottie Dawg Sat. Oct. 12th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Veggies Lunches Fri. Oct. 18th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Fat Fingers starting at Sat. Oct. 19th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pop Rocks $3.99 Fri. Oct. 25th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBA Sat. Oct. 26th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBA BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR! (under the tent Halloween party) Fri. Nov. 1st . . . . . .Halloween Party w/ The Veggies

Never EVER Any Cover!!

thefirehousegrille.biz 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959

20% OFF

Bud Light, Coors Light & PBR Wing Specials

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

Under the Tent Parties Weddings, Private Parties Up to 200 people•Call for details

your first month of classes when you sign up in October!

1002 Minot Ave., Auburn • facebook.com/StevesDojo

Visit or Call 420-0139 FMI

SOMETHING

FOR

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

EVERYONE!

"Male, about twentyfive, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday and Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

Back Pain Submitted by Jimbo

I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.

Seafood • Chicken • Steak • Pasta • 2-fer menu • Senior menu • Kids menu

FULL BAR & TAKE OUT AVAILABLE FRIED CLAM DINNER Whole belly, crumbs or batter Located in the former Chick-a-dee of Turner building

$11.99 SEAFOOD CASSEROLE

$12.99 32 Auburn Road, Turner

225-2777 Like us on Facebook

www.landmarkturner.com Tues & Wed 11am-8pm; Thurs 11am-9pm; Fri-Sun 7am-9pm

BREAKFAST BUFFET Sat & Sun 8am –11am

$

5 OFF

any purchase of $20 or more

One per person, per visit. Cannot be combined with any other offers. UAD • Expires 10.31.13

The first transcontinental telegraph message was sent on October 24, 1861.

As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item. I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub Skösh was excellent. We’ll have them back for süre!

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

NOW Delivering Food! FREE Delivery within 10 miles

Call for more info 345-7040

New Menu!

New

Kids Eat FREE 12 & under Sunday - Wednesday with paying adult (in Pub only)

Happy Hour 4-7pm

Chad & Roxie Pearl

Halloween Party! Saturday, October 26th Prizes for Best Costume • Give-Aways • Drink Specials • Food Specials

Entertainment Lineup

Skösh

Mike Cunnenn & Elaine Girardin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Oct. 4th . . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Oct. 5th . . . . .Pop Rocks Oct. 11th . . . . .DJ Cold Cuts Relay Races - Cash Prizes Oct. 12th . . . . .Gypsy Oct. 18th . . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Oct. 19th . . . . .DJ Boom Boom Oct. 25th . . . .Jukebox Night 128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls Oct. 26th . . . .DJ Fitts

345-7040

(Halloween Party)

Chad & Roxanne Pearl, owners President Cleveland dedicated the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor on October 28, 1886.


Don't tell me the sky is the limit when we've put footprints on the moon.

Large Groups Welcomed Call Ahead Full Bar • Free Parking Lounge • Dining Room Private Function Rooms

Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston

“Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.

Award Winning Chowder Family Owned for 3 Generations

Cindy Morin

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com During the First World War, cigarettes were handed out to soldiers along with their rations.

Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary Beth Favreau & Pat Long Cressey

I’m finding this column to be very HANDy! Who’s that guy photo bombing us back there?

Bill Bergeron, Adam Jones, Dee Dee Whittemore, Julie Poulin, Chris Goding & Lori Gagne Octo means eight. Before Julius Caesar reformed the calendar October was the eighth month, not the tenth.

Cindy & Beth Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Blind Pilots Submitted by Thomas Hill

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off. Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food! We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite. Wall of Fame Inductees!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day! Home of the Double Yolker

Doug Banks, Keith Wilcox, Steve Parker

of Naples, Casco & Hebron

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

Zen Proverb: Knock on the sky and listen to the sound.

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

2 for 1 Must present this coupon to receive

ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play. ✃Expires 10.31.13 ✃Expires 10.2

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

SIGN UP FOR A 2014 MEMBERSHIP NOW!

and

Golf FREE

for the remainder of 2013 New membership plans include Young Adult 19-39. Call the shop or visit www.springmeadowsgolf.com for more details.

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com

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Too many people today know the price of everything and the value of nothing. – Ann Landers


Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. – Robert Brault

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039

Endorses the Re-Election of LeRoy Walker • New Auburn Business Owner • Life Long New Auburn Resident

• Founder of the United New Auburn • Auburn Parks Dept. Vote for Leroy Walker Association employee/supt. 39+ yrs in November

Texas Hold ‘em Tournament Sunday, October 6th & Sunday, October 20th Celebration of Life Award Sunday, October 27th Ham Dinner and all the Fix-ins From Noon - 2pm

Come party with me!!

Estelle Chouinard, Vice President NASC

This guy to my left saved my life a long time ago in Greece. I owe you buddy!

Starts at 11 am Doors Open at 10 am

HALLOWEEN PARTY Friday, November 1st 8pm

After all these years, I finally won the coveted award!

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

You could have started by paying for my dinner.

Uncle Andy & Mark Gagne Out ‘n About at DaVincis

Riddle Me This

Band:

4PLAY Give-Aways Costume Prizes 1st, 2nd, & 3rd Place

Month of October: Buy a shot of BAJA ROSA & $1 will be donated to Breast Cancer Falling leaves hide the path so quietly. – John Bailey

Find a six letter word made up of only the following four letters: LVOE A: Evolve

I Need Your Vote!

• City Council Ward 5

(continued on next page)

the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.

Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. – George Eliot Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston

Crystal Bergeron & Karen Gruver

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

2

nd Annual

W O L L HA Thursday, Oct. 31st 7pm - Close

Danielle Proulx & Barbara Mandy This column is making us all smile!

Deb Morin & Jeanne Martin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Live Music Bar games • Costume prizes We are now booking holiday parties! Reserve your corporate holiday party now to reserve your spot! www.sea40me.com Zen Proverb: The obstacle is the path.


Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. – Elizabeth Lawrence

WEEN

H S A B Try our Spooky Eyeball & Fog Martinis!

Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston

Ok guys, I’ll face right...

Don Bourgoin

I’ll face straight ahead...

Brian Savard You guys are goofy... alright I’ll play along.

Japanese Cuisine 795-6888 40 East Ave., Lewiston Sea40 Japanese Cuisine

(Lewiston Mall Shopping Center) www.sea40me.com

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong. – Robin Williams

Clay Larochelle Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the Opportunist.

The Duke The closest that film star John Wayne came to military action was in 1944 during a threemonth entertainment tour of Pacific bases. His boyhood wish of becoming a naval officer never came true, although he did come close to receiving an appointment to Annapolis. During World War II, he was rejected for military service. Wayne was never a cowboy, either. Odd jobs that "The Duke" held as a young man included those of fruit picker, iceman, truck driver, and movie propman.

Riddle Me This Q: We are all around, yet to us you are half blind. Sunlight makes us invisible, and difficult to find. What are we?

Local Restaurants & Entertainment Every Thursday

Action Packed Thursdays Beer Pong Karaoke Line Dancing

Fri. Oct. 11th Back in Black AC/DC Tribute

No Cover

Saturdays Happy Hour 8-9pm $

1 Drafts 3 Wells

$

w/ DJ Bset Pubside

Sat. Oct. 26th Bee Here Now 18+ $10 cover- Dangeroz, Slammin Salmon, Virus & more

Thurs. Oct. 31st Sat. Oct. 12th First Jason $10 cover (all ages Horrofest 2013 starts at 6pm)

Costume Contest

Fri. Nov. 1st Zombie Apocalypse Tour 2013 All Ages 7pm

Sat. Oct. 19th Frank Santos

R rated Hypnotist

Sat. Nov. 2nd Blackguard

- Metal Band

$10 cover w/ Ascent to Power & more!

A: Stars The only two Southern state capitals not occupied by Northern troops during the American Civil War were Austin, Texas and Tallahassee, Florida. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Like us on Facebook to get updates on what’s happenin’

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info I told my wife that a I’m like a fine wine. I get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.


Elizabeth Taylor has appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else.

Geek Talk Submitted by Thomas Hill

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS All breakfast specials include coffee

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am

Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily! 5 Washington Street, Auburn

783-4304 Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast $4.25 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast .......$4.25 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes..........$4.25 THURSDAY: French Toast ...................................$4.25 FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette................................$4.25 SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage...$4.25 SUNDAY: French Crepes......................................$4.25 Prices do not include tax.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

es r ey u o py for Kee led pee ters trea r o n! trick allowee H this

Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!

782-5500

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Call for your appointment...

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Towing Discounts with shop repairs

Auto Repair • Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like that kid.

& More! Riddle Me This Q: What five letter word, no matter how you pronounce it, is always pronounced wrong?

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn

A: Wrong

The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is thirty five miles long.

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Jimbo

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Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston Congrats to you and your awesome team, Brenda. You guys certainly set the bar for a successful business team!

The USA bought Alaska from Russia for 2 cents an acre.

BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER

We’ve got you covered! ns Hash Brow

Breakfast es Sandwich

Buy Any size Green Mountain coffee & get a donut for

25¢

$ 50

1

Flavored teas available!

50¢

BREAKFAST PIZZA • BREAKFAST SUBS

& MORE! Adam Dunbar, Brenda Fontaine & Rebecca Leaming

Bring Home Dinner Tonight!

DONUTS MADE FRESH DAILY • Homemade Soups & Chili

PIZZA • ITALIAN SANDWICHES OUR FAMOUS UFO’s & MORE!

• Finger Rolls

We Deliver! In Auburn $20 minimum Come See Our New Look Inside!

Eat In or Take Out Angie Larochelle & Laurie Gosselin When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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GEORGIO’S 740 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm

www.mygeorgios.com Locally owned & operated I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me. – Mitch Hedberg


Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. – Steven Wright

Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston

Keep the American Tradition...

Go Hunting!

This was just a fun event no matter how you look at it! Especially those clowns on page 37.

Harriet Cummings & Tammy Soucy

Bad to Worse Submitted by Tom Hill

Hunting Season has Started! We Buy, Sell & Trade TopGunofMaine.com Premier indoor shooting range open to the public

481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm

Native Americans used to use pumpkin seeds for medicine.

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be any worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” Uncle Andy’s Digest...with

Jimbo

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Lucky Number 5

The smile is the most frequently used facial expression. A smile can use anywhere from a pair of 5 to 53 facial muscles.

Submitted by Tom Hill

Featuring I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race. Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named "The 5th Element." Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day. I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee. I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head. I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off. I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet.

131Vendors Open

7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149

s Alway g n i y u B

500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece? We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices. Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

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START YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EARLY!

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Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

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25 trillion cells travel through the bloodstream – a stack of 500 would only measure 0.04 inches high.


To an observer standing on Pluto, the Sun would appear no brighter than Venus appears in our evening sky.

(continued from previous page)

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it. I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.

As of October 1st we will be switching from TD Bank and using Norway Savings Bank, there will be NO FEES to our customers for cashing Your checks. Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators

Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators

Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Paying TOP prices for computer scraps!

We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGE businesses with LARGE quantities! “ You are always treated fairly and with respect!”

Always paying the best prices!

I entered through the 5th admissions gate. I bought 5 programs. I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Jeff. "Did your horse win??" I frowned at Jeff and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

Riddle Me This Q: Metal or bone I may be, many teeth I have and always bared, yet my bite harms no one and people delight in my touch. What am I? A: A comb

BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

(prices subject to market changes) Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. • Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r

795-8887

The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.

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Over 250 million Slinky toys have been sold since its debut in 1946.

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Annually Americans eat 45 million turkeys at Thanksgiving.


In 1933 a night's stay in a double room at the famous Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City was $9.00. A single cost $6 and a suite $20.

The People of You Know Where

BREATHE SAFETM INTERIOR ZERO VOC FINISH FROM MURALO. You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.

www.lewistonpaint.com

Stock Frames FRAMES 8x10 up to 12x16

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Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

23 Cross Street, Auburn

Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a ry and e Delivet-up S

Starting at $5.50/sq ft & up

For more info. Call 207-515-1119

Atari had to bury millions of unsold "E.T." game cartridges in a New Mexico desert landfill in 1982.

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The People of You Know Where

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! DAILY SPECIALS MON. 2 Crabmeat Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 w/salad & chips

TUES. Chicken Parmesan . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 w/salad or cole slaw

WED. Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6.99 w/potato & rolls

THURS. 2 Lobster Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/ salad & chips

FRI. & SAT. Fried Haddock . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Prime Rib Au Jus . . .sm. $13.99 lg. $16.79

Check Out Cole Farms Pub!

NFL Network

THURSDAYS

0n the Big Screen TV’s 14 Beers on Tap Full Bar

$1.00 OFF Drafts $5.00 Margaritas

64 Lewiston Road, Gray 657-4714 www.ColeFarms.com

4pm - close Great Pub menu after 9pm

Cole Farms Pub Susan Simonson of Westbrook Football fan is a great place to or not, the Pub is a watch the Patriots, great new addition to the Giants, or your favorite team! Cole Farms!

JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

Riddle Me This Q: When asked how old she was, Kim replied, In two years I will be twice as old as I was five years ago. How old is she? A: She is 12 The first female athlete to appear in a Wheaties "Breakfast of Champions" television commercial was Mary Lou Retton, shortly after her gold medal win at the 1984 summer Olympics. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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We Now Accept Credit Cards!

Jill Koenig

Val Dougherty

of Gray

of Westbrook

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages “The Difference is in the Details”

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

Call us for your FREE quote! Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

In the 1970s, “Piano Man” Billy Joel appeared in a TV commercial for Bachman Pretzels.


Detroit, Michigan has more registered bowlers than any other city in the USA.

Be Fashion Forward this Fall Come see any one of our expert stylists!

We are a full service salon... • Colors • Cuts Ann Dumais

Kelly Giambra

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch Angella Brissette

• Foils • Pedicures • Manicures Get Your Hair Done Before Work! We’re open at 6:00am 4 days a week!! • Waxing Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

Lisa Olmstead Pauline Guimond

786-4311

Lysa Ronan

Camille Cloutier

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.

Join Us! for lunch or dinner

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us! No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

730 Center Street, Auburn • 376­4855 jasminecafemaine.com

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a Set-up & livery

RMJ Collections • Lingerie size 0-6x • Women’s shoes

De

• Costumes • Jewelry

Wed.-Fri. 5:30-7:30 • Sat. 10-6 Sun. 11-5

Starting at $5.50/sq ft & up

For more info. Call 207-515-1119

Contrary to popular beliefs, chocolate does not cause acne.

850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston

320-1165 Uncle Andy’s Digest...with

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Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat. – Will Rogers

We work on all equipment… not just ours! “Dependable, quality service at an affordable price!”

Scott Lessard

Give us a call. We’ll ta ke care of your equipm ent like it w as ours!

Courtney Stewart & Mac Lovely-Perfetta

Light/Heavy Duty Trucks, Tractors, Trailer, All Plow Equipment Repairs & Service Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site & more!

Certified Fisher Plow Dealer

Denny Bly

John Perron

HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE Kelly Barclay A great little spot for a nice night out. Skösh is a very talented group of musicians!

• Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks • Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site • Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers Keep all your equipment clean in our extra LARGE wash bay!

Maine Heavy Equipment Service 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston Jamie & Sue McAllister Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com Every year, Burger King restaurants prepare over 950,000 pounds of bacon for their breakfast customers.


Former U.S. President William Taft converted the White House stable into a four car garage in 1909.

Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub

John & Sandy Therrien Peace and love are the two things I care about most. We have both here at Shooters.

30% of all bingo players are under the age of 35.

: U O Y G N I T C PROTE t We Do. Is Wha

Kathy Boynton & Stephanie Walker I like the name Mark... don’t I look like a Mark?

Oh stop it, Doug!

s Kerrie Robbin Specialist

232 Center St., Auburn

nce

Commercial Insura

Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

commercial

home

VarneyAgency.com

auto

recreational

umbrella

786-0417 life

health

The only species of turtle that lives in the open ocean is the sea turtle.

Doug Ellifon & Sharon Baril I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Toy Disclaimers • No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product. • Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks. • Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much. • Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial. • Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man. • Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!! • In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement. • Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. • Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended. • Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior. • NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's (continued on next page)

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Before 1928, yo-yos used to be called bandalores in the United States.

PLEASE

USE OUR

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

ADVERTISERS! It keeps them advertising and us bringing you this magazine. Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 pounds per square inch of pressure to break the shell.

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area! Car accidents, no problem! We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Toronto was the first city in the world with a computerized traffic signal system.


(continued from previous page)

It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States.

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Submitted by Jimbo

Jane had developed a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf," "Pot Roast," "Steak and Vegetables," "Chicken and Dumplings," or "Beef Pot Pie." However, whenever she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner he never asked for any of those meals so she decided to stock the freezer with what he really asked for. In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

155 Center Street • Building G • 577-6000 mitch@mmdrugscreening.com • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com One-third pound stalk of broccoli contains more vitamin C than 204 apples.

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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament

The Flintstones cartoon was the first thirty-minute cartoon to be aired during prime time.

Scott Sansoucie We understand that caring for a loved one who has fallen ill, while managing the demands of your own life can be stressful and tiring. There’s no need to go at it all alone, let Assisted Home Care help you.

- We Offer • Personal Care • Medication Reminders • Meal Preparation • Mobility/Walking Assistance • Light Housekeeping & Maintenance • Personal Laundry & Linen • Errands • Companionship • Toileting, Bathing, & Personal Hygiene • Shopping • Socializing & Visits with friends • Respite Care

Hal Small

Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week Highly qualified staff - Certified Nurses’ Aides, Medical Technicians, Residential Medication Aides, Personal Care Assistants supervised by a Registered Nurse.

Cost-Effective service • Rapid Response to Referrals Continuity of Care - We strive to meet requests, ensuring consistent staffing, and working as part of a healthcare team Consistent staffing - We see ourselves as a family, a family that wants to assist you and your family in your time of need

Assisted Home Care II

Jen Small

Serving out community for over 16 years

(207) 783-7375 • (207) 212-6736

~ Nancy Merrill, Administrator

Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament

Justin Carver Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Laurie Gifford, Ashley Golden Rich Howard & Jean Pratt

It would take about fourteen and half million notes of currency to build a mile high stack.


Five thousandths of a millimeter is the tolerance of accuracy at the LEGO mold factories.

Sarah Jeanne’s

Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub

Tanning & Day Spa

Family Hair Care

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 795-6778 sarahjeannes.com

We would like to Welcome Sarah Stone to our team, who is a highly qualified stylist. She would like to welcome all her old and new clients to join her at Sarah Jeannes.

Micaela

Tiffanie Sarah Stone

Sarah

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Buy one Salon Hair product then get 2nd product

50% OFF

One gallon of pure maple syrup weighs 11 pounds.

Real Super Heroes!

Living on the edge

Larry Roy & Ben Hackett and a mystery photo bomber

Window washers at a Children's Hospital

Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool.

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Out ’n About Around the World

Throughout the South, peanuts were known as "Monkey Nuts," and "Goober peas," before the civil war.

Testimonial When I was first approached by Uncle Andy’s Digest I was unsure about advertising in a publication that wasn’t a Real Estate publication or a conventional newspaper. I tried it for a month and I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made! 7,000 trees planted to form guitar on a farm in Argentina

Every time my ad runs the phone starts ringing. Customers tell me that they picked up an Uncle Andy’s Digest, read my ad and said “I should call her.” This is the result I am looking for when I advertise. The cost of advertising in Uncle Andy’s Digest is affordable and service is excellent. Thank you and keep up the good work!

India - As if one head wasn't bad enough!

Camouflaged mobile phone tower.

Debbie Bodwell

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. Ship & tugboat Corinth Canal, Greece Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 • 207.777.1551 www.rmsmortgage.com/team-me/debbie-bodwell

The word "toy" comes from an old English word that means "tool."


Pucks hit by hockey sticks have reached speeds of up to 150 miles per hour.

Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub I’m the #1 fan of Skösh. I’m father to two of the band members. Don’t miss a show, either!

No, I’m their #1 fan. They all call me Uncle Russ!

Bob “ Bobby B” Allen & “Uncle Russ” Gilbert

Carla Martin & Kendall Thomas Teachers of music we are, and it’s mostly done on Main Street.

Steve Grenier & Samuel Berce Steve and Sam are both music teachers at Main Street Music in Auburn. Steve plays in various bands, including the L-A Harley Band. Sam is a member of Skösh.

The Planters Peanut Company mascot, Mr. Peanut, was created during a contest for schoolchildren in 1916.

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Priceless! Submitted by Jimmy Benson

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

There was a break-in at the Open Door Baptist Church last week. Burglars entered through a rear window.

Trenchless Sewer and Drain Rehabilitation Call today to have a Clear Drains of Maine technician perform a site evaluation and provide you with a detailed estimate for rehabilitating your failing sewer or drain line with our

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Seals broken areas in Cast Iron, PVC, Orangeburg, Clay Pipes & More!

521 Federal Road, Livermore • 207.320.2177 Does this Greek sweatshirt make me look frat?

Skösh

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He walks to the kitchen

Skösh band members: Pete Richard, Jedidiah Allen, Tyler Russell, Samuel Berce & Elijah Allen

(continued on next page)

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TM

TRENCHLESS PIPELINING SYSTEM

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car. – Jeff Foxworthy


Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and you choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier. – Dan Bennett

(continued from previous page)

and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 a.m. by cab, pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you staggered in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Why Men Are Not Secretaries: Husband's note on refrigerator to wife: "Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer." Baskin Robbins plain vanilla ice cream is the number one selling flavor and accounts for a quarter of their sales.

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Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright

Getting your picture in Uncle Andy’s: LOVELY! Huh, Mac?

Comedians, they’re everywhere...

Hilda Bracket & Mac Lovely Perfetta Employees of Shooters

Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. (Just ask the people at Your Best Skin).

Out ’n About Around the World

Little Known Fact Odie the dog, Garfield's best friend, first appeared on August 8, 1978, in Jim Davis' comic strip, Garfield. Trivia buffs: Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot. Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again. Auto racer Dan Gurney was one of the first U.S. drivers to use rear-engine race cars. He won the Le Mans race (1967), and finished second in the Indianapolis 500 twice (1968 and 1969). Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Statues bigger than you thought - Easter Island

El Penon de Guatape - 650’ stone - Colombia

A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs.


Reading the Digest is like being on vacation.

Angie & Alex Jacobsohn by the pool at Excellence Riviera in Cancun (on their honeymoon) reading Uncle Andy’s Digest on their Kindle. What were they thinking?

Out ’n About in Mexico Just strummin’ my porcelain strings...

The digital edition of the Digest won’t blow away in the tropical breeze!

DAVE IRELAND BUILDERS, LLC

Pablo Angie & Alex’s mascot

We have over 2,500+ satisfied Energy Audit and Air-Sealing program customers thanks to our partnership with efficiency MAINE! Howland • Lewiston, ME • 1-800-625-4136

Addictive Advertising Specialties

A cure for all of your promotional product needs! Pens, wearables, drinkware, calendars & more!

786-0725 addictivead@aol.com

Scallops have approximately 100 eyes around the edge of its shell.

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The People of You Know Where

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub

Rob & Katie Maheux, Becca & Dave Barnes, Morgan & Ben Hackett

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

Is Your Website Friendly? “72% of consumers want Mobile-Friendly websites.” – Google Research Websites that aren’t mobile-friendly annoy users and that’s bad business! We offer... Mobile friendly websites you can afford!

GET YOUR BUSINESS THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES! Consumers are doing more business on mobile devices, including shopping and product research. They are more likely to buy online when the site meets their mobile needs.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

Call TOD AY to get yo ur mobile-f riendly site!

UADwebsites.com • 783-7039 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Infants spend more time dreaming than adults do.


The most popular Twizzler candy flavor is strawberry.

Veterans Day Fact Veterans Day honors soldiers of all wars. It commemorates the day the Armistice was signed ending World War I in 1918. It's also known as Armistice Day, Victory Day, Remembrance Day (in Canada and Great Britain), Waffenstillstand Day, or World War I Memorial Day. Regardless of what you may call it, please remember to honor all soldiers... every day. "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"

The Koala bear is not really a bear, but is really related to the kangaroo and the wombat.

– Charles M. Schulz

Out ’n About Around the World Great shot from above of Niagara Falls in Canada

Driving tunnel thru a Giant Sequoia in California

2.5 cans of Spam are consumed every second in the United States.

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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament

Serving ice cream on cherry pie was once illegal in Kansas.

Great shot of a Supercell storm cloud

Uncle Andy thinks one person from each of these teams missed the memo on shirt color...

Phil January, James Bonsant, Dennis Christner & Jeff Palmer

Tyler Ferguson, Bill Nason, Bob Pierce & George Deeley

Seniors who drink a cup of coffee before a memory test score higher than those who drink a cup of decaffeinated coffee.

Superior Paving Company

782-4010 Commercial • Residential • Industrial Driveway Paving • Asphalt Repair • Asphalt Removal • Parking Lot Paving Snow Plowing • Snowblowing & Removal • And More!

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Winter plowing slots starting to fill up! CALL NOW!

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Big or Small... We take ‘em ALL!

family owned & operated

Serving all of Maine for over 40 years! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Not all polar bears hibernate; only pregnant females polar bears do.


Asthma affects one in fifteen children under the age of eighteen.

Our Friendly Team!

Join Us!

Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament Uncle Andy’s Digest thinks these guys look great in PRINT... just saying.

October 21st 1-7pm for Isabella’s Challenge Back from L to R: Taylor, Cori, Kelly, Terry & Linda Front from L to R: Jennifer, Michael, Kathy, Tina & Nuria

Call for an Appointment for a FREE blunt cut to donate. See page 44 for details.

Tom Printup

392 Center Street, Auburn

786-0112 HairByGregorys.com

Additional styling at regular salon prices

The first TONKA truck was made in 1947.

Out ’n About at Poland Regional High School with the Harlem Wizards

Dan Printup

A fundraiser for the high school

David Printup

Bill Printup Sugar Bear (the mascot for Golden Crisps cereal) was born in 1963.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Out ’n About Around the World

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Tired of how your old deck looks? Need a new deck?

CALL THE DECK DOCTORS! Stephen Adamczyk, Deck Repair Expert

Call 713-9090 for your FREE estimate! Facelift Your Property

www.setwright.com

Rooftop garden - New York

Out ’n About with Billy Jacobs at Bear Necessities

Tibetan Mastiff Dog - Sold for 1.5 Million Dollars

Kelly Hageman, Gail Hageman, Billy Jacobs & Flo Holmes

On Sale Now!

A Smart car?

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP

WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET Quiet, clean, elegant stoves. Several styles to choose from.

Golf course Somewhere in Australia

“Are you an organ donor?” “No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

64

October 2013

783-7039

Qualifies for $300 tax credit!

1220 Center St., Auburn

784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com

The Simpsons is the longest running prime-time animated series on television history.


Since July 2013

Maggie

Bentley R.

Sinceber Septem09 20

Since February 2009

Rhazz

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!!

Est. 2008

thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique a Dakot

Oliver

Lexie

Sin Septemce 2013ber

Since March 2013

FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS

$16 PER DAY! Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640

Since h Marc 2011


Out ’n About with Billy Jacobs at Bear Necessities

Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out.

in Auburn

THE BEAR NECESSITIES Primitive Home Decor & Gift Shoppe Billy Jacobs & Andrea Hammond

Enter a world of a simpler time... As you enter our shoppe, you are embraced with warm scents and a great selection of primitive, colonial and country home decor, custom made furniture and needful things! Owners - Tammy & Gerry Charette

We have expanded! We now fill nine rooms on two floors in a 1900’s colonial home.

Billy Jo Morrison & Brian Charette Winners of the best looking scarecrows contest

Handy Submitted by Jimbo

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.”

• • • • • • • • • •

Johnston Bench Works Reproduction Furniture Old Village Paints Primitive/Colonial Lighting Family Heirloom Weaver Textiles Window Treatments 1803 Candles • Potpourri • Pottery Room Sprays • Quilts • Braided Rugs Scarecrows • Prim Pumpkins Gift Certificates • Clubs • Layaways

NOW OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK! Hours: Monday-Saturday 10-5

Sunday 11-3

35 Vernon Street in Auburn 786-0992

“Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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October 2013

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THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are sill all mixed up.


Logo Contest Winner

The longest distance a deepwater lobster has been recorded to travel is 225 miles.

READY OR NOT. It’s NOT too early to start thinki Dr. Chen & Jonathan Svor Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry recently ran a logo design contest to see who could come up with the best logo for their practice. There was many great entries and it was a tough choice, but Jonathan had the winning entry. See the Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry ad somewhere in this magazine to see their new logo.

Attention Landsc apers & Contractors!

Money Sav

We sell bulk san d/salt and straig ht salt. Call us for yo ur snow removal needs!

Estate Planning Submitted by Tom Hill

Robert went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.” The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, “Not a problem, leave it all to me.” Robert looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

68

October 2013

783-7039

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

784-7944

www.stlauren The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.


The most dangerous job in the United States is that of a fisherman, followed by logging and then an airline pilot.

Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament

... IT’S COMING!

ng about the upcoming season!

Tom Doherty, Matt Magill Mike Allen & Dave Hodgkiss

ving Multi-Year Contracts Available Ask Today!

Commercial Plowing Sanding, Salting Snow Removal

Miguel Gonzalez, Tom Wyman, Peter Moulton & Dave O'Donnell

Bob Baiguy, Brandi Webber, Reggie Grant & Scott Raynor

Call us for a FREE Quote!

Bill Murphy, Scott Whalen, Steve Simard, Gary Simard

Locally owned and operated since 1970!

Freeport Fire Rescue

Fully Insured • EOE

ntandson.com Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp, which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw.

PM Construction Team Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Dessert First

THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: Dinosaurs used to smell bad, but they don’t anymore because they are extinct.

Submitted by Jimmy Benson

One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops.” I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with heated apple pie,” Jim added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn't believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned. The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait. I smiled. He asked if he amused me. I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?” He laughed and said “I'm tasting all that is possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.” This year I realized how (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

70

October 2013

783-7039

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.


Ramses II, a pharaoh of Egypt died in 1225 B.C. At the time of his death, he had fathered 96 sons and 60 daughters.

Now available in Oil Rubbed Bronze

Partnering with Professionals

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

(continued from previous page)

old I was. (He grinned) I haven't been this old before. “So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more hot fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.

Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com

Tim Fox: 514-1137 tfox@redlon-johnson.com

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: A spine is the long bone that goes down your back. Your head sits on one end and you sit on the other.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want untimed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired.”

20% off all Pro Tools & Products

Join Us Oct. 11th 4-7pm Streaking for Breast Cancer All proceeds go to support Breast Cancer

All About You Salon 41 Broad Street, Auburn

784-5407

In Belgium, there is a museum just for strawberries.

With that, I called the waitress over. “I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Oct. 2013

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Are you this busy?

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. – Eric Hoffer

Lake City Exports turns 10! Introducing our new Pick Up & Drop Off Service! That’s Right... We’ll pick your car up, wash it and return it to you!

Call for details! Come see us for:

Come celebrate with us... • Great deals all month

• Basic Car Wash all by hand

• Weekly giveaways

• Full Recons • Multi-car Discounts Offered

• Superior Cleaning Products • Satisfaction Guarantee • References Available Upon Request

OPEN HOUSE

Saturday, October 26th ALL DAY we’re still This is why e do! bout what w passionate a

Ridiculous deals all day long!

You’ll smile, too, when you see our entire inventory on our website.

We have something for everyone!

LIQUID SUNSHINE CAR WASH

& DETAIL 865 Sabattus Street Lewiston 333-3004 Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

LakeCityExports.com Join us for our Open House on October 26th. We’d love to show you around!

Derek Dube back in the day

867 Center St. Auburn • 753-0033 www.lakecityexports.com Men say that women should come with instructions, but have you ever seen a man read instructions?

Uad october 2013  

Looking for funny, Interesting and unusual? Get your monthly dose of humor with the digital October edition of Uncle Andy's Digest. Get your...

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