UNCLE ANDY S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE
.com
FREE MARCH 2011
• Power your whole house • Keep medical equipment running • Keep food cold & your home warm • Keep well pumps & sump pumps working
And Much More! ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS
FULL INSTALLATION CALL FOR MORE INFO 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com Armandsab@aol.com
138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com
GET PRE-APPROVED OR PRE-QUALIFIED FOR YOUR SPRING HOME PURCHASES NOW!
Conventional H FHA H VA H MSHA H RD A local lender you can trust! We also offer refinancing
Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336
181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 www.rmsmortgage.com •dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com
777.1551
This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537
Legalism
Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground.
Here is a purported-tobe-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundredyear-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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When I can't be kind, I try to have the decency to be vague.
"Tell everyone what you want to do and someone will want to help you do it." – W. Clement Stone
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA
MARCH 2011 Activities for members and their guests Tuesday, Mar 1 Samʼs (Chapter 8609) Market Place Mall, Lewiston Noon to 7:00pm $3/Member $3.50/Guest Saturday, Mar 5 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Chapter 14346) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston 4:00pm – 6:30pm $5.50/Member $7/Guest Wednesday, Mar 9 Rollyʼs Diner (BREAKFAST) (Chapter 12749) 87 Mill St, Auburn 7:00am – 10:00am $3/Member $4.00/Guest Wednesday, Mar 16 Chick-A-Dee (Chapter 14437) 1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston 4:00pm – 7:00pm $8/Member $8.50/Guest Tuesday, Mar 22 Sallyʼs Center St Café LUNCH (Chapter 10589) 945 Center St. Auburn 11:00am – 1:00pm $4/Member $5/Guest Sunday, Mar 27 KC Breakfast (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick 8:00am – 10:00am $4/Member $5/Guest Child / 10 free
800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn
Wednesday, Mar 30 Village Pizzeria (Chapter 10929) 16 Pleasant St, McFalls 4:00pm – 7:00pm $5/Member $6/Guest Please Note: Prices and Menu are Subject to Change. ***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holiday’s). FMI call 782-1833.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Uncle Andy’s Digest
A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
MAILING ADDRESS:
PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:
editor@UncleAndys.com
Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS
PHONE: 207 FAX: 207
783-7039 777-3898
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!
www.UncleAndys.com
MARCH 2011
Staff UNCLE ANDY
Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted
Smile Again Dentures
Uncle O’Andy
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
JIMBO
514-0660
Lucky Leprechaun
Travis Dow
www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Joe & Mike Adkins
Kiss My Blarney
Maggie Joyce
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Pot O’Gold
WE CAN SAVE YOU MONEY!
Marty Dow Golf Green his Favorite Color
Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
Heidi
Come see us to refinance your auto loan*
Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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*Member eligibility required, restrictions may apply, no in-house refinancing.
"More important than learning how to recall things is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering the mind." – James Waddell Alexander II
"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have." – Thomas Jefferson
Things Iʼve Learned About Golf Submitted by Marty Dow
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. Temperature Records
The temperature at Sentinel, AZ soared to 116 degrees to establish an October record for the nation. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Out & About at Lost Valley
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." – Mark Twain
for the Auburn Winter Festival Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
YOUTH $ MEMBERSHIP
7
75 MONTH
BEST VALUE in the region for ages 12-17 • Over 50 Group Exercise classes per week • Access to the complete fitness center • Open gym and open swim
CAMP CONNOR EARLY BIRD REGISTRATION Register Now! • • • •
Boys & Girls Grades K-8 FREE Pre & Post Camp Care FREE Transportation 9 Summer sessions to choose from • 45 years of youth camping
PERSONAL TRAINING Y personal trainers are here for you whether you are new to exercise or a veteran athlete.
$25/hr or 5 sessions for $100
Rachel Doane Fitness Center Coordinator
AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)
207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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"If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." – Virginia Woolf
“If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh
ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY SHARE OUR PASSION
AMES AMES
SPORT SHOP, SHOP, Inc Inc SPORT
84 Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.
Positional Power Submitted by Jimbo
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator. "Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear." "I'm the vice president," Nixon said. "Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead." Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
3/31/11
"Of the United States," Nixon answered. "Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
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Martin & Laliberte form
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Carla Martin and Christine Laliberte have partnered to form Studio C, a salon specializing in hair, nail & massage services. The pair previously had separate salons, Headquarters Salon & Shear Madness Salon respectively, and decided the time was right to merge their businesses to offer more services and benefits to clients. Carla has been a barber for 24 years. Christine has been a cosmetologist for 6 years. The salon is located at the previous location of Shear Madness Salon, at 1117 Center St. in Auburn. Joining the co-owners at Studio C are Nichole Brooks, stylist for 6 years, Alicia Parrott, stylist for 6 years, Tiffany Parsons LMT for 7 years, and our newest member, Colby Brooks LMT (a recent grad). Studio C is fully staffed and looking forward to new clients, walk-ins and appointments. They can be reached by calling 782-3848 or 783-2220. See their ad on page 71.
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If I have learned one thing in this life, it is that God will not tie my shoes without me. – Doug Boyd
Trousers: an unusual word. Singular at the top; plural at the bottom.
Broad Street Band
Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
Central Maine’s Premiere Classic Rock Dance Band • WEDDINGS • PRIVATE FUNCTIONS • BIRTHDAY PARTIES • COMPANY OUTINGS • AND MORE!
207-754-6462 cbroad@roadrunner.com
Considering us for your upcoming event? Check out one of our public performance dates: March 12 @ Fastbreaks, Lewiston March 17 @ Pedro O’Hara’s, Lewiston April 2 @ Schemengees, Lewiston
www.broadstreetband.net
May77 @ Fastbreaks, @ Fastbreaks, Lewiston May Lewiston May14 14 @ Poland @ Poland Spring May Spring InnInn May21 21 @ Clubhouse @ Clubhouse Tavern, LiverMay Tavern, Livermore more May 27 @ Schemengees, Lewiston
Jason “caveman” Hall & Tammy Chamberland
Here lies Ezekiel Aikle age 102 - the Good Die Young.
Shannon Wilson & Greg Webster
Kristi Conroy & Brent Cary "Take care of the minutes and the hours will take care of themselves." – Phillip Dormer Stanhope
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Out & About at Lost Valley
New Auburn Business District Shop Local
for the Auburn Winter Festival Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
I hope waxing the bottom of my shovel was a good idea...
While Bev is in Florida basking in the sun, we’ll be at Andy’s Baked Beans having fun!! Thursday, March 17th Join us for the Patty’s Day “Bev’s Gone On Vacation” Party St. Wear green and get $1.00 off any drink! Saturday, March 12th.
ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern Every Saturday
47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044
“Love at first bite!”
HOURS: Tues. & Wed. 10am-8pm Thurs. & Fri.10am-Close • Sat. 8am-Close
Andy’s Baked Bean Specials… Don’t Miss Out!
OMG! Too fast!! Tooooo Fasssttt!!!!
United New Auburn Association Meeting Last Tuesday of March (March 29th)
City manager, Glen Aho will be attending.
’s
St. Patty Day Where is the brake on this thing?
New England Boiled Dinner 6-11pm Beer bucket specials all night!
• 9-Ball Tournament - Sunday, March 6th • Independent Pool League Tournament Sunday, March 13th • Dart Shoot - Sunday, March 20th
New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039
Screenprinting and Embroidery YOU and your staff should be advertising YOUR business, not someone else’s!!
✷ We will match or beat any written quote in town ✷ Super quality products at super low prices Check us out on Facebook Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Try us for your next screenprinting or embroidery job! You’ll be glad you did!!
Construction Worker Specials All Month
85 Third St., Auburn • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com
Out & About at Lost Valley
New Auburn Business District Shop Local
for the Auburn Winter Festival Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
10% EXTRA
$$
50
FOR YOUR
• Viruses • Clean Up • Bluescreens • Installs • Data Recovery
CANS & BOTTLES (Excluding Wine & Liquor)
WHEELERS Redemption 107 South Main St. AUBURN
783-7795
SMOKER’S DEN Maine-blown glass great variety! Hand-dipped oil incense
COMPUTER REPAIR 675 Main St. Lewiston Located in the Marketplace Mall
WWW COMPUTERS 376-4555
Sport Team Sweatshirts
✃
WOW!
Great Prices!
99¢
Sunglasses $1.99 to $19.99
The Unique & The Unusual
Greeting Cards
2 Brother’s Discount Inc.
FREE!
Wholesale • Retail 63 Mill Street • Auburn • 514-7000
We don’t mean to turn our back to the camera, but these things have a mind of their own.
Buy 1 get 2nd
with this coupon
✁
As we celebrate our 10th anniversary this month, we would like to thank everyone for their patronage. You as our loyal customers, have made us feel like family and we truly appreciate your business! With your help, we will continue to bring you the freshest seafood whether its lobsters, clams, scallops, haddock, fried food take out or our homemade chowders. Again, thank you as we look forward to the future and seeing you each day! Sincerely, Timmy & Neil
“If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!” We ship anywhere in the US
22 Mill St., New Auburn • 782-3150 • Open daily 9am-6pm
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Out & About at Lost Valley
New Auburn Business District Shop Local
for the Auburn Winter Festival Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
Thanks, Dad! It sure feels good to follow in the footsteps of all the great cooks in our family!!
We’re all very proud of you, Sadie!
Come to Rolly’s and try Sadie’s award winning chocolate crepe with mocha bavarian creme, drizzled with raspberry and chocolate syrup sauce!
Ken & Sadie Blais
Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171
NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A!
I know I make it look easy. But most people don’t know that I’m on the olympic downhill shovel team...
Towels, Tissues & Dispensers
Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes
Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners
Chemicals & Cleaners
Breakroom & Food Service
Skin Care
Packaging
120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
New Auburn Business District Offers Personal Training
Shop Local
ROY’S FOODLAND Official
AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA
Headquarters
Tr y our H O ME MADE 10 lbs. Bell Farm 10 lbs. Extra Lean 10 lbs. Boneless C Potatoes Hamburger Skinless Chicken hicken Salad, Ham Salad $ 90 $ 49 $ 90 & Coleslaw
3.
19.
31.
70 Broad Street • Auburn, ME 207-783-8471
Saturday Bean Special $7.99
Beans, Coleslaw, Bread
Janine Giroux, Seeing all these New Auburn businesses in the Digest sure warms my heart!
B.S. in Health Science in Adult & Corporate Fitness, BTS Group Groove Certified. Janine has a background in technical ballet and has danced most of her life. She has always been very interested in Health and Fitness and enjoys creating fun and challenging workouts that take you out of your normal routine. She also enjoys helping others live healthy, active lifestyles. Specialties: Dance, Plyometric Training, Full Body Work, High Energy Exercise.
FMI about personal training, see the Y ad on page 6.
In 1997, a school district in Hillsborough, New Jersey, banned the celebration of Valentine's Day because it is actually a religious celebration of St. Valentine. They renamed the celebration Special Person Day. Calories That Don't Count... ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.
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Iʼve decided to stop beating around the bush; I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.
Expires 3/31/11 250 Broad St., New Auburn
Out & About at Lost Valley
Hyah, hyah! Mush, mush!!
for the Really Ridiculous Relay Race
This would be a good way to get my groceries home...
On Thursday, June 19, 1997, Cats became the longest running show in the history of Broadway. With the 6138th performance Cats passed A Chorus Line which staged the last production in April 1990.
Coupon Heaven While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now." “Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.
January 13th 1968 - Johnny Cash records his landmark album At Folsom Prison live at Folsom State Prison.
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want. Want less.
Out & About at Lost Valley for the Auburn Winter Festival
Four more great reasons to keep your vehicle running smoothly: 1. First day of spring is March 20th 2. March Madness Basketball 3. Daylight savings time (13th) 4. St. Patrick’s Day (17th)
Top 10 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s
Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
10) Best of the best 12 years running for automotive service 9) Full service garage, no problem too big or too small 8) Fair & honest quotes 7) Accurate diagnosis of problems 6) Expert service & highest quality 5) Great customer service with a smile 4) We service all makes and models 3) State of the art equipment 2) Complimentary Coffee & Donuts 1) Free shuttle service in L/A Just one of the many compliments we receive: “By far the most friendliest, honest and dependable auto shop in town! Also like their new waiting area with the leather couches and Keurig coffee machine. Keep up the good work!!”
Mike Morin’s Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”
1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433
Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery
Asking Directions A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where. Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?" "Not to me it don't." replied the boy.
"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.” – Mary Schmich
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Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance
A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
Celeste Onofrio
Everyone in this column lives on Broad Street...
Dan Johnson
Reserve tickets go on sale March 26th at Kora Temple 11 Sabattus St., Lewiston
Michael Onofrio Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. – F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting." – Elizabeth Bibesco
Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
Dan & Lisa Carroll
The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast. You can’t get me... Na-na Na-na Boo-boo!
Brian Peppe guest jammer I’ll give it a 50-50 chance that Jimbo will publish this photo...
Carol & Pete “Bob Barker” Ford If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
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Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin Offers Personal Training AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA
Christina Cifelli, YMCA: Certified Strength & Conditioning, Cycle & Step Certified, and BTS Group Power Certified. Christina has the knowledge and ability to train sports specific as well as for general health and toning. Her attention to form is strong and she feels that it is greatly important to overall exercise. Christina’s knowledge of the body and how it moves makes her an asset to the training field. Specialties: strength and toning, group power, cycle, athletics and running.
PARTS • SALES • SERVICE WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes • Sales of New International Trucks • Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes
FMI about personal training, see the Y ad on page 6.
Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I? A: The letter e. End, timE, spacE, Every placE Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net “You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.” – Henry David Thoreau
Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong. – James Leo Herlihy
Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
I don't want to work... I want to bang on these drums all day... I don't want to play I just want to bang on these drums all day...
Jody Demers
Brian & Pam Grondin
22 Albiston Way Auburn, ME 04210
784-5788 1-800-377-9433
“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.” – Uncle Andy
Paula & Kevin Glatz Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE Visit
T E .N
T S I AL
I C E SP
GOT HEAT?? FREE Checkup With Ad
O V L VO
782-9300
Out & About at Lost Valley Full recons available. Call for an appointment
for the Auburn Winter Festival Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
Class IV slope rapids? What is he talking about?
865 Sabattus Street, Lewiston 333-3004
Steve Dubois Owner
liquidsunshinecarwash.com
New Number We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached. I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Top ‘o the mornin’ to ya!
EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services • Transmission Flushes
• Chassis, alignment
• Fuel systems
• Shocks, struts
• Engine performance
• And more!
• Brakes, exhaust
• State Inspection
Maineʼs AAA Approved Repair Facility since 1990!
HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420 Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com
Bob & Bonnie Merrill, owners
“If you want to catch more fish, use more hooks.” – George Allen, Sr.
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." – Lucille Ball
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS
Offers Personal Training AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA
• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems
MARCH SPECIAL
OUR TIRES
Buy 4 New Tires Receive Front End Alignment FREE $55 Value
Nicole Oberlander, 60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210
782-6666 or 783-2026
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?
Eating Out Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
Check out our NEW LOCATION!
Celebrating
Great deals on everything!
YMCA: Certified Strength & Conditioning, Step & Cycle, BTS Group Power & Silver Sneakers Certified. Nicole has been teaching group exercise classes at the YMCA for 19 years. She has been an avid exerciser since she was 17 and firmly believes if you set your mind to it you can do it. Nicole can take you through a beginner to advanced routine that combine cardio and strength to give you your best workout. Specialties: Group power, step, strength & toning, senior fitness, & functional training.
FMI about personal training, see the Y ad on page 6.
Q: What is the difference between a lama, a llama, and a 3-L lllama? Next to Republic Jewelry Showroom & parking in back of building
www.soundeffectsmaine.com
A: The first is a monk, the second an animal, and the third a huge fire.
“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.” – Helen Hayes (at 73)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
Remote Starters • Alarms • Car Audio • Boat Audio NOW LOCATED AT: 216 Center Street, Auburn (207) 777-3339
&T Jimbo
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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Work Reputation I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My coworker stopped midbite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief. "What's the matter?" I asked him. "Uh, nothing," he replied, "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."
MARBCHlowout SPECIALS $11,995
Bruce Poulin & Sherrianne Poulin
$8,995
$5,995
‘05 Subaru Impreza
‘00 Nissan Maxima
‘01 GMC CK 1500
53K, 5-Speed, Loaded
V6, Auto
V6, Auto
More Inventory Available. Stop by or shop online at: eliteautosalesme.com 791 Sabattus Street • Lewiston • 344-6650 Be loyal to what you love, be true to the earth, fight your enemies with passion and laughter. – Edward Abbey
FUN WITH MATH Succession: 1 x 8 + 1 == 9 12 x 8 + 2 == 98 123 x 8 + 3 == 987
FREE 16 oz. bottle of Pepsi or Coke with purchase of any 10” Fresh Dough Pizza Large Cheeseburger Sub $ 3.79 or $4.39 loaded
1234 x 8 + 4 == 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 == 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 == 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 == 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 == 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 == 987654321
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Lightning is 5 times hotter then the surface of the sun.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
THE SHOP AUTO SERVICE AND CLASSIC CAR RESTORATION
Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!
Mike Smith, owner
for the whole family
304 Lisbon St., Lisbon • 353-6100 www.theshopclassicrestoration.net theshop@roadrunner.com
Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall) DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.
(207) 782-5030
Bill Bowerman, the co-founder of the shoe company Nike, got his first shoe idea after staring at a waffle iron. This gave him the idea of using squared spikes to make the shoes lighter. Also offering color services Walk-ins welcome
$
10 Cuts!
Men’s, Women’s & Children’s
312-5478 Cosmetologist Brittany Legare
Customer Service Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce, Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table. "We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"
That Little Barber Shop
9 Acadia Ave., Lewiston (off Lisbon St.) Hours: Tues, Thurs, Fri. 9am-5pm • Wed. & Sat. 8am-noon
Interpretation There is a Nike commercial that was shot in Kenya with Samburu tribesman speaking in their native language, Maa. The slogan “Just Do It” appears when the tribesman is talking. In reality he was saying, “I donʼt want these. Give me big shoes.”
Appointments Required, Please call first Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…
NO PROBLEM!
$
55/hr. LABOR RATE
Brad Johnson
Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Fully Warranteed & Certified
"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."
Melbourne (VIC) has the dubious honor of being Australia's least sunny capital with an average of 5.7 hours of sunshine each day.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
In Australia, Darwin (NT) is the sunniest capital with an average of 8.5 hours a day.
www.emerso The Back Forty
Jon & Lori Jordan
Me and Jimbo are tight. We’re always plowing forward. We’re even part of the same chain gang!
Larry & Diana Roy
Tyla Strout & Keith Davis Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Yuma, Arizona is the sunniest place in the world.
The fastest winds on earth are inside a tornado funnel. Winds here have been recorded at 300 mph.
ontoyota.com
Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
March Specials Jo Anne Morrissette & Trisha Marston
Hannah Kekacs Estes & Brian Peppe
Pam Ashby & Stephen Luce The Australian wind record goes to Mardie in Western Australia, when winds gusted to 162 mph during Cyclone "Trixie" on 19 February 1975.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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A hurricane which hit Miami, FL pounded Pensacola, FL with wind gusts to 152 mph. Winds raged in excess of 100 mph for four hours, and above 75 mph for 20 hours. Offers Personal Training AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA
Misty Edgecomb, Certified Pilates Instructor, BTS Group Power Certified & Silver Sneakers Certified. Misty’s abilities reach far beyond being a Licensed Massage Therapist here at the Y. She has a deep understanding of core strength and that it is the basis of all movement and exercise. She can make anyone feel at home and comfortable with exercise as if you have been doing it all your life. Specialties: Pilates, core conditioning, functional training, senior fitness.
Expires 3/31/11
Expires 3/31/11
FMI about personal training, see the Y ad on page 6. Expires 3/31/11
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of the friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
Expires 3/31/11
– Muhammad Ali Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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The strongest wind gust recorded on the surface of the earth is 231 mph at Mount Washington, New Hampshire on 12 April 1934.
Thunderstorms can generate gusts of wind that can develop additional thunderstorms 100 miles away.
Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
2009 Subaru Legacy
2007 Toyota Tacoma
Incredibly Clean, One Owner All Wheel Drive Legacy! Double Cab, 4x4, V6, Automatic, Bed Liner, Shiftable Automatic, Power Moonroof, Power Seats Tow, CD, Loaded, Extra Clean ON SALE
$14,800
Jim’s
Over 60 vehicles to choose from starting at $3,800 online at:
SALE PRICE
$17,800
AUTO SALES
Home of the 90 day 3000 mile 1097 Center St., Auburn • 784-5438 warranty 1-800-289-5467 Ask for Dave
Will Griffiths & BJ Grondin I’m a snow and ice kinda guy. But an occasional dance can be fun, too.
www.JimsAutoSales.com
Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Jeff Martin
Floating or hovering? Mike & Darlene Reardon Q: What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs? A: A penny. The Empire State Building has been struck by lightning a dozen times in a single storm.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Born to Run
Warm air, which weighs less than cool air, rises.
Dreamin’ of my first 5k with my Grampy...
Brady Thomas Guay Born on Super Bowl Sunday Grandson of Larry Baril
I hope Daddy opened a savings account at Great Falls Credit Union for me.
Kristina & Chris Bouchard with their newborn baby, River Bouchard Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father. While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree. When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website
www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856
A government study showed that one small thunderstorm held more than 33 million gallons of water.
Supercells are the most dangerous types of thunder storms.
Roughing It Submitted by Jimbo
MARCH SNOW STORMS Cause Fender Benders. No Problem. No job is too big or too small. Lifetime warranty on all collision repair work! We work hard, and we want to earn your business.
Try out our state of the art service department and save money! OIL & FILTER CHANGE
$
10 OFF
$
Expires 3/31/11 One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.
$
BODY SHOP SPECIAL
100 OFF Can be used for any collision or paint repair that exceeds $500
Restoration services on classic & antique autos from repairs to touch-ups. Guaranteed work! We’ll get your vehicle in and out quickly.
50 OFF
Purchase of 4 tires & alignment Expires 3/31/11 One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.
Expires 3/31/11 One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.
We offer 24 hour towing services for any vehicle
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be. The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter." The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?" The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly." The motel room was quite nice.
Goodwin
Chevrolet Buick - Oxford
1-866-370-9225 Check out other great coupon specials online 1606 Main St. (Rt. 26) Oxford, ME • goodwinmotorgroup.com
A tornado traveled 275 miles across Lake Ontario, New York and Lake Champlain.
Q: What is in seasons, seconds, centuries and minutes but not in decades, years or days? A: The letter 'n' Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas
One South Dakota tornado was observed hovering in a field for 45 minutes.
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
“Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” – Ray Kroc
Stat•ic Cling; noun The adhering of a garment to the wearerʼs body or to another garment, caused by a build up of static electricity
Cheers! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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In 1967, Hurricane Beulah unleased 115 tornadoes over Texas.
The tornado is the most violent of all earth's storms.
$
11,800
$
$
8,500
5,995
2007 Chevy Equinox
2006 Dodge Caravan
2001 Volvo V70
90K, AWD, Loaded, Leather
40K, Runs Good
Black, 119K
$
4,995
$
$
8,500
8,500
1999 Ford Windstar
2002 Chevy Silverado
1994 Chevy Rack Body
Dual Sliding Doors, 93K, V6
4x4, Ext. Cab
2WD, 6.5 Diesel, 87K
www.MandPautosales.com HOT MARCH DEALS NOW GOING ON!
Call, click or get here!! 2003 Chevy Trailblazer, 4X4, Auto, Running Boards . . . . . . . .$6,995 2002 Chevy Silverado 1500, Auto, Ext. Cab . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,500 2000 Chevy 6500 Car Carrier, 6 Speed, Diesel . . . . . . . . . .$17,995 1994 Chevy 3500 Rack Body, No Dump, Diesel . . . . . . . . . . .$8,500 1992 Chevy 3500 Ambulance, V8, Auto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2,995 1985 Chevy 1500 Shortbox, 7-1/2’ Plow, yard truck only . . . . .$1,450
M & P AUTO SALES
Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867 The average lifespan of a tornado is less than 15 minutes.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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An Honest Mistake
Clouds can reflect so much ultraviolet light from the sunlight they dramatically increase the ultraviolet rays reaching the ground.
Submitted by Beth Francis
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
Since 1953
www.LuiggisPizzeria.com
The Luiggi’s Gang invites you to try a special so good we’re running it again in March
SPAGHETTI DINNER $
3.99
Includes Meatball, Salad, Garlic Bread
The business that gets their name out there the most WINS! Make
your year... With affordable advertising in
Uncle Andy’s Digest Whether it’s branding you need, letting people know where you are or educating the public about what you do – we can help!
Call us at 783-7039 or email us at editor@UncleAndys.com FMI.
(continued on next page)
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The biggest clouds are cumulonimbus, climbing up to 6 miles high and holding up to half a million tons of water.
Cloud droplets are extremely small. They are about ten thousandth of an inch across, a thousand times smaller than a raindrop.
Come here for your St. Patty’s Day beer & wine!
TROP ICAL HARMONY All your salt water tank needs right here!
Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372
(continued from previous page)
guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to SundaySchool' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Cab Driver Etiquette On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.
Look for this K+L decal at a local business in L-A Check us out online at:
KandLGreenClean.com "Helping the environment one job at a time" Call us for a free quote to clean your business
K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC 577-8725 The tiny droplets of water that make up fog are so small that it would take seven thousand million of them to make a single tablespoonful of water.
The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?" "Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Wet air is lighter than dry air. Offers Personal Training
10% OFF
AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA
with this ad
Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries
• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups
35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039
Rachel Doane, B.S. in Exercise, Health, & Sports Science, NSCA-CPT, Pilates Certified Instructor Balanced Body University Rachel trains people with low back injuries by creating a strong core & making the exercises relevant to each client's lifestyle. She creates fun and inventive programming and implements high intensity interval training (HIIT) to bring your fitness to a whole new level. Specialties: Core, weightloss, injury recovery and functional training.
FMI about personal training, see the Y ad on page 6.
In 1961, the United States recovered the first large animal (primate) it launched into space. Ham, a chimpanzee, returned to Earth after a 16 minute flight aboard a Mercury-Redstone 2 rocket. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Out & About at Lost Valley
Ron Moon, Manager
207-657-5000 I’ll be your white snow rafting guide for the day...
for the Auburn Winter Festival Photo © NCR Media Group 2011
I’ve got the eye of the tiger.
Eleven Years of Winter Wackiness!
Everybody remain calm.
Ahhhhhh...
Auburn's Winter Festival took place January 28 - February 6, 2011 Auburn's Winter Festival is a celebration of everything Winter. After all, Winter is the longest of our three seasons here in Maine, so why not get out and enjoy it? (the other two are mud season and when we go upta camp).
Easy for him to say...
Festival events and activities took place at Lost Valley Ski Area, Ingersoll Arena, Pettengill Park, Walton School and other locales. The fogs, which are more common in winter, occasionally cause havoc with air travel by lingering into the early afternoon.
A store detective is a counter spy.
Temperature Records The worlds greatest temperature range at a single location is 221°F, from minus 90.4°F to 98.6°F recorded at Verkhoyansk, Siberia.
Tornado Fact A tornado 440 yards in width traveled twenty miles from near Hollow OK to western Cherokee County KS. Although a strong tornado, it was very slow moving, and gave a tremendous warning roar, and as a result no one was killed.
Tornado Fact A heavy chicken house, sixteen by sixteen feet, was picked up by a tornado and wedged between two trees. The hens were found the next day sitting on their eggs in the chicken house, with no windows broken, as though nothing had happened.
Introductions One day while shopping, my chatter bug daughter who was three at the time introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out. She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said to the lady, "This is my mom. Her name is Mom." “All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.” – Uncle Andy
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Dress Code for Seniors
In Australia, Canberra wins the title of the 'foggiest' capital city with an average of 47 fogs each year.
LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together: ~ A nose ring and bifocals. ~ Spiked hair and bald spots. ~ A pierced tongue and dentures.
600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Friday’s) 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com
~ Miniskirts and support hose. ~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •
~ Speedo's and cellulite.
(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414
Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings
~ Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge. ~ Bikinis and liver spots. ~ Short shorts and varicose veins. ~ Inline skates and a walker. But otherwise, WE'RE LOOKIN' GOOD! Q: What didnʼt Adam and Eve have that everyone else has?
AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Porter
Nessie
~ Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
Dog gonnit… We want your business!
Boo
~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com
Eggcettera Catering
If you’re too busy to cook and you don’t want fast food, try our home-cooked meals!
UN C LE A
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
MARCH 2011
783-7039
N D Y A P P R O V ED
For only $7 each, Dinner for 1-200. Please order one day prior. Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.
Eggcettera Catering 784-5544
31 Leavitt Street, Auburn (first left after the Minot Ave./Hotel Rd. intersection as you head toward Mechanic Falls)
See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com
Cash • Check • Major Credit Cards
A: Parents
36
HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm • Sun. Brooklyn 10am-8pm It’s your lucky month... Stop by Heidi’s Deli and $ave!
Sea fogs persist for more than 120 days a year on the Grand Banks, Newfoundland, Canada.
THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm
Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm
FRIDAYS
SATURDAYS
LADIES Night Drink Specials
DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!
DJ & Live Local Entertainment
ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !
Fri. Mar. 4th Bootiddy - Electro Jam Band & DJ Alien Journalism & DJ Dusty Laser Sat. Mar. 5th Strict9 Fri. Mar. 11th Under The Covers Sat. Mar. 12th Dead Season w/opening music from available at all Bull Moose Music locations Twisted Theory Tickets or online at deadseason.com Thu. Mar. 17th St. Patty’s Day BASH see below FMI Fri. Mar. 18th No Room To Breathe, Ascent to Power, Crimson Bile, The Marble Socket & Blue Khakis
$5 at Door Doors open at 7pm
Sat. Mar. 19th Frank Santos Jr, R-Rated Hypnotist see below FMI Fri. Mar. 25th Mud Season w/ opening music from Restless Groove Sat. Mar. 26th Riot Act Save the date! April 9th
St. Patty’s Day BASH Thursday, March 17th
$
5 Irish Car Bombs $ 3 Irish Whiskey Shots $ .50 1 Green Draft Beer $ 3 Guinness Drafts
Featu Tullamor ring Irish Wh e Dew iskey
TICKLE with the Jaeger Girls
Sat. Mar. 19th R-Rated Hypnotist
Frank Santos Jr!! $10pp Call Club Texas for Reserved Seating & Tickets
784-7785 150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info
Out & About at Club Texas
"Mankind will never see an end of trouble until... lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power... become lovers of wisdom." – Plato, The Republic
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
Attention All Guitarists!
This party got my STAMP of approval.
(l to r) Steve Grenier of Main St Music, Bryan Galloup & Sam Guidry of The Galloup School of Lutherie in Michigan Main Street Music Lessons is marking its 2 year anniversary. To celebrate M.S.M. welcomes Sam Guidry of the esteemed Galloup School of Lutherie. He will host a seminar on April 15th from 6 to 9pm in our studio at 134 Main St. in Auburn. Bring in your own guitar - get it setup AND learn how to set it up and maintain it yourself while also learning about the trade and business of building & repairing guitars from the top teacher at one of the best lutherie schools in the United States. Also, local guitarist Denny Breau will be pickinʼ on some custom-made Bryan Galloup instruments, in an intimate & exclusive show!
Tickets are $75 per person and very limited seating available. Cost of admission includes: Lutherie seminar, guitar setup, gift-pack of accessories from SIT Strings & intimate show with Denny Breau For more information call Steve Grenier at Main Street Music Lessons (207) 376-3376 or email questions to gitteacher@aol.com.
Now Accepting Students
786-6861 25 Mary St. Lewiston
Teaching at EVERY LEVEL Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought." – Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Old world charm ............. No bath
Cheap Motel Submitted by Jimbo
ON-SITE DRUG TESTING D.O.T. Drug Screening
$
15 $ 20
Alcohol Screening $
Local* After Hours & Weekends*
30
Includes confirmation if necessary
Available 24-7, 365 days a year
*Call for out-of-area pricing
We also perform hair follicle drug screens, paternity tests, private investigations, tenant screenings & background checks.
Testing can be performed in the privacy of your home or office.
MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator
577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com Residents of the northeastern U.S. observed a blue sun and a blue moon, caused by forest fires in British Columbia.
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6am!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?" "Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
Attention Guitar Players!! April 15th 6-9pm* *Subject to change - Call FMI
Lutherie Seminar & Guitar Setup Session With Sam Guidry, Instructor at the world-renowned
Galloup School of Lutherie
Gift pack of accessories from SIT Strings
Intimate show with Denny Breau pickin’ on custom-made Bryan Galloup instruments
$
75pp
Very limited seating Contact Steve Grenier 376-3376 Call now to ensure your spot! or email: gitteacher@aol.com
Main St. Music Lessons Sam Guidry and Steve Grenier
& Instrument Repair
www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com
134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Tropical .................... Rainy
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Longaberger®
Basket Bingo
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
3rd Annual
St. Patty’s Day Bash!!
Thursday, March 17th Saturday,
Opening at 11am Live Music starts at 5:30pm!
March 26th
DON’T FORGET
at the
Live Entertainment every Thursday, Friday & Saturday
Kora Temple 11 Sabattus Street, Lewiston 782-6831 Doors open at 8:30am Games begin at 9:30am Tickets on sale at Kora Temple $13 in advance $15 at the door Proceeds to benefit the Androscoggin County Shrine Club. For more information, call Kora Temple at 782-6831
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Heated or Room! do ut O
GIVEAWAYS
Tons of Food & Drink Specials
Irish Twins Pub
Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close
743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s)
"I forgot most of what I came to the store to buy," Tom said listlessly.
The Sign Shack of Maine recently opened for business in the Taylor Brook Mall in Auburn, at the same location as the former Sign-A-Rama and is now offering expanded services to current and new customers alike. The new partnership between Graylin Dyer, Debra Milazzo-Shannon and Nancy Brown brings over 12 years experience in the sign business to their new joint venture. Dyer is in charge of the design and preparation of signs. With many years of sign experience and a rich business background, his graphic design expertise is a great benefit for customers. Milazzo-Shannon brings a strong financial background and broad management background to the office. Her IT skills keep day to day operations running smoothly and ensure that data and designs created for the customers stay true so that future work can easily be accomplished. Brown’s extensive experience in sales and retail management will certainly be an asset to the new company. Her sales skills and team-building have earned her recognition by the Lewiston-Auburn Chamber of Commerce and her personal touch is appreciated by customers. The Sign Shack of Maine not only offers the same products and services as its predecessor—signs and banners of all sizes, vehicle lettering, magnets, digital banners, site signs and more—but has expanded its ability to provide vital branding services to businesses with its new line of printed products such as business cards, postcards, letterhead and flyers just to name a few. The public is invited to visit their new showroom located in the Taylor Brook Mall on Minot Avenue next to Ann’s Flower Shop, check out their website signshackofmaine.com, find them, like them on facebook or call them Owners: Graylin Dyer, at 333-6333 for more information. See their ad Debra Milazzo-Shannon & Nancy Brown on page 23. Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Options galore .......... Nothing is included in the itinerary
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST is expanding and has a full-time position available for an Account Executive
Sales experience is mandatory Ability to create and maintain accounts in a competitive market. Sales experience is mandatory. At least two years sales experience preferred. Join a growing company with a publication like no other. Earn a competitive income with other perks.
Qualified candidate should/have: • Reliable vehicle • Clean driving record • Great attitude • Work well under pressure • Be a team player • Good computer skills Position details: • Base salary plus commission • Earn other perks such as: Gas & cell phone allotments, Join company’s Simple IRA plan • Company supplied computer, email & camera Email resumes & cover letter to: editor@UncleAndys.com or fax to: 777-3898 or mail to: PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 UncleAndys.com
The windiest place in the world is Port Martin, Antarctica, which has an average wind speed over a year of 40 mph. It experiences gale force 8 winds for over a hundred days a year!
Daniel
Michelle
Jen
Christine
Emily
Cindy
Elizabeth
Lynn
Get your Spring highlights, cuts, styles, manicures, pedicures & waxing today! Look your best on vacation! Book an appointment today!! 20 Coburn Street, Auburn • 782-9009 (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday studio for hair, nails & massage
Behavior Modification Reinforcers The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatricianʼs office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.” Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physicianʼs office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”
www.panachehairandnailstudio.com
Insurance Double Take Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmerʼs barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check
for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We donʼt give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
Affordable! Really! Three meals a day Plus snacks Weekly housekeeping - 24 hour call buttons Transportation to doctors appointments & shopping
All for $1,300 per month!
Openings Available Now! Call for a tour today!!
#433 Rt. 202, PO Box 629, Greene
“Lollipops,” was the reply. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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946-3007 “Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center”
www.mainemeadows.com
The most violent tornado in recorded history struck on 3/18/25, killing 689 people, injuring 1980 others, destroying 4 towns, severely damaging 6 others and leaving 11,000 homeless across Missouri, Indiana and Illinois.
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Out & About at Pelletier’s Karate
L/A’s Newest Doggy Daycare & Boarding Facility
Largest fenced-in play/exercise area around. Personalized attention. Safe & monitored interaction with other dogs.
Try Us Out!
$
15 1-Day Trial* Expires 3/31/11
*Appointment required, subject to availability. Some restrictions may apply, call for more information
ogs are Your d to love going s! u
M-F 7am-6:30pm Weekends by appointment only
528 Lincoln Street • Lewiston
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Sensei-tional
Join us for
St. Patrick’s Day Thursday, March 17th
Tradition Irish mu al throughosic u Live music the day t all day & night
Opening at 11am
Traditional Irish Food Corned Beef & Cabbage Bangers & Mash and more!
Guinness Specials & Giveaways All Day Long
PEDRO O’ Hara’s Irish • Mexican • American 134 Main Street, Lewiston
783-6200 Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
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New Librarian
Cats are the most popular pets in the United States.
Submitted by Jimbo
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom. The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, "At least that other librarian we had could write."
Your Beer Headquarters!! Check out our huge selection in our beer cave! Baxter Brewery Beer, large selection of British beers, Jeremiah Weed, Game Day, Specialty Ales, Kegs & much more!
Hot Soups
Deli Daily Specials, Grab ‘n go food Hot & cold sandwiches & More!
Find us on Facebook & Foursquare
F~lorian’s Market ~
301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week
Framing Made Simple Metal Frame (silver, black or gold)
8x10.............................$10 16x20...........................$15 20x24...........................$20 24x36...........................$30
Regular Glass Foam Core Backing
Take advantage of this great pricing now! Offer ends 3/31/11.
Expert Custom Framing! Quality Personal Service!! Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.
23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333
Dan Williams, owner
SUNDAY BREAKFAST BRUNCH “Biggest and Best in Town!”
9:00am – 1:00pm every Sunday
On April 4, 1974, John Massis of Belgium pulled two railroad passenger cars totaling 80 tons with a thick rope, with a small bit attached, using only his teeth.
2 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn • 333-3062 • Mon-Sat 7am-8pm
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
San Jose was the original capital of California.
& Jimbo
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Open for Breakfast daily 7-11am Also see us for: Specialty foods • Meats & Cheeses • Wine Dessert bakery • Breads • Soups • Salads Gelato & more!
Out & About at the McFalls Rec Dance
Blue and white are the most common school colors.
We can ship anything... Anywhere! (well, almost anything)
at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls with Broad Street Band
• UPS, FedEx & DHL shipping • Packaging Services • eBay • Mailboxes and more!
120 Center Street, Auburn
www.AuburnGoinPostal.com
784-9900 Friends of a feather flock together
Triple Trouble
We want to be the easiest part of your week! Your local option for outsourcing your payroll... Payroll Management has been serving the payroll needs for small and mid size companies since 1989.
PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.
100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com A newborn expels its own body weight in waste every 60 hours.
Group Hug Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas
Advertise with confidence. Advertise with us!
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
A toast to Uncle Andy!
The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus. – Bruce Lee
For affordable, local advertising there’s one clear choice... The band really TICKLEd my fancy!
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America
9 Grove Street in Auburn • (207) 783-7039 editor@UncleAndys.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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UNCLEANDYS.COM
Florida's beaches lose 20 million cubic yards of sand annually.
Earn
20% MORE with $20 or more in bottles
Earn
10% MORE
CHECK OUT OUR NEW LOCATION!
with any amount of bottles with this coupon Expires 3/31/11
We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods. And definitely worth the trip!
Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm
Richard Conway, owner
America once issued a 5-cent bill.
DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame
Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm
Family Move When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room. "Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you." "Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577
On February 10, 1897, the New York Times slogan first appeared: All the News That's Fit to Print. It was the winner of a contest organized by its new owner, Adolph Ochs. Trivia buffs: some of the entries included "Clean, crisp, bright, snappy; read it daily and be happy;" "Aseptic journalism up to date;" "Full of meat, clean and neat;" and "You do not want what the New York Times does not print."
More steel in the US is used to make bottle caps than to manufacture automobile bodies.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
I did it AGAIN!
Matt Welch, 2 Time Winner
Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame! Home of the Double Yolker
Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere
Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery
&T Jimbo
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1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore
897-3400 1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston
784-3100
Let us help you make that tax return go further
SOLID SURFACE
Stacy Whetzel and Jerimiah Morrissette
COUNTERTOP SALE! Purchase any one: • Corian • Hi-Macs • Livingstone ®
®
®
Receive FREE Sink, Template & Install!
Not one, but all 3!
FREE!
www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com
Out & About at Dubois Cafe in Lewiston Uncle Andy makes a trip to Dubois Cafe every 2 or 3 years to try and get an ad. So he takes pictures of unexpecting customers hoping that will create enough buzz to have the owners cave and advertise with him. Good luck Uncle Andy. I hope it works out this time...
By law, employees do not have to wash hands after sneezing.
It’s time to cut next year’s wood supply!
Jeannine Dupuis $399.95 Well said! Let’s just laugh and wave...
FREE extra chain with each Husqvarna March! saw sold in March!
John Mathieu One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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The term Cop comes from Constable on Patrol, which is a term used in England.
mainefamilyfcu.com • (207) 783-2071
My Favorite Animal Submitted by Glen Gisel
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents
Footprints of astronauts who landed on the moon should last at least 10 million years since the moon has no atmosphere.
Tricky The problem: There's a box with a hole at each end, and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later, etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time? In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
Think Spring
www.abcpool.com
Surprise someone with beautiful spring flowers today!
Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 • www.annsflower.com
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Onions get their distinctive smell by soaking up sulfur from the soil.
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Washington State has the longest single beach in the United States. Long Beach, WA
VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area
! ODY! ! s s e n d a M . NOB . . s h u e c k i r Ma dance l def! g i b e h in high vers t
co ry game e v e g Nobody n i Show
St. Patty’s Day – Boiled Dinner with all the fixin’s, served all day! HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com The age limit for marriage in France was, until recently, 15 for girls, but 18 for boys. The age for girls was raised to 18 in 2006.
Every Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm
Pizza Buffet Soup, Salad & Pizza $9.50/pp $5 Children 10 & under 782-2088 150 Mill Street, Lewiston
www.davinciseatery.com The largest potato was grown in Lebanon by Khalil Semhat near Tyre. The spud was 24.9 pounds.
taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now?
E-Parenting Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of email addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone. In 1741, Andrew Bradford of Pennsylvania published "The American Magazine," the first magazine in America (published three days before Ben Franklin's "General Magazine." "The American Magazine" lasted only three issues. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas
The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
Yee Haw!
I try not to look down at other people, but sometimes I just can’t help it.
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The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
Corporate Change
After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.
Now serving 4 different Soups every day! Nice warm soup during work or to take home Entertainment Schedule Sat. Mar. 5 The Lugnuts Sat. March 12 Lauren Hottinger Thu. Mar 17 St. Patty’s Party! Sat. Mar 19 Sat. Mar 25
Beer Specials & Irish Boiled Dinner
Chad Porter Okbari Belly Dancers
Thursdays - Come play your own music, 7-10pm. Food & drink specials all night!
84 Court St, Auburn
Live Entertainment Every Weekend! Deli Downstairs Cheer up – Dining Room Upstairs Spring starts March 20th! Yeah!
333-3041 www.hollysown.com
Mon-Tues-Wed 7:30-4:00 (until patio opens) Thu-Fri 7:30-10:00 • Sat. 11:00-10:00
Holly Mireault, Owner
A forest is in an acorn. – Proverb
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Spring Specials $10 off Full Head of Foils $10 off Sea Salt Body Scrub $48 Manicure & Pedicure Combo
Back l to r: Shannon Lord, Mel Cote, Hannah Greene. Front: Ashley Farrell, Darcy Ames
336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611 A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal. – Yiddish Proverb
When the company I worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, I told my staff to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the prize went out to 200 people. In 1962, Johanne Relleke of Rhodesia was stung by bees 2,443 times and survived! Bit of trivia: He went deaf in one ear, and years after the ordeal he was thrown to the mat in a judo practice session. Lo and behold a bee popped out of his ear and he could hear again. Q: There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it? A: A watermelon. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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The medical name for the part of the brain associated with teenage sulking is "superior temporal sulcus.”
Why Choose Taylor Brook Dental? • Experienced, professional and courteous staff • We’ve rolled back pricing to 2008 levels! • Clean, modern facility with plenty of parking • We offer Cosmetic & Preventative Dentistry Services all under one roof • We accept the following insurances: Northeast Delta Dental, Delta Dental, State of Maine & Cigna • We have Care Credit & SpringBrook Patient Financing available • Our mission is to help our patients achieve extraordinary dental health
T AYLOR B ROOK D ENTAL A SSOCIATES 784-1577 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of the devil's orchard.
Almost Always: In a very busy day, your boss only approaches you when you are taking a break.
TAYLOR BROOK
DENTAL ASSOCIATES
Taylor Brook Dental
Wide-Ranging Services
Our dentists serve patients in Auburn, Lewiston, Poland, Minot, and surrounding towns. We are here to provide quality, comprehensive dental treatment in a friendly, caring atmosphere. Our goal is to help the patient achieve optimal dental heath throughout their lifetime
Our dental services include crowns, bridges, dentures, dental extractions, tooth whitening, cosmetic dentistry, root canal, fluoride treatment, and all other major areas of dentistry.
$AVE HERE! We’ve rolled back to our TAYLOR BROOK 2008 pricing!
DENTAL ASSOCIATES
27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM Almost Always: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, the boss will ask you to do something that will last till your coffee is cold.
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Out & About at Dubois Cafe in Lewiston
To live only for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top. – Robert M. Pirsig
Vicki Cody & Judi Albert You otter not try this at home!
Amanda McCormick & Gary Dubois
We have Gluten-Free Pizza Linda Davis
Home of the Free Jumbo Fry with any 18” Pizza of New Gloucester The Little Place with the Great Taste
Homemade Daily Specials Take Out or Eat In Our Full Service Dining Room
Rt. 100 • New Gloucester
Doris Gremham Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Hours: Mon-Fri 8am-10pm • Sat-Sun 7am - 10pm
926-3434
Breakfast Served Daily until 11am
Methane gas can often be seen bubbling up from the bottom of ponds. It is produced by the decomposition of dead plants and animals in the mud.
What Do You Do?
A friend's eye is a good mirror. – Irish Proverb
**IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTICE** For all customers with Propane Tanks & Outside Oil Tanks: • Protect all lines from falling Ice & Snow • Use Extreme Caution when removing snow & ice from around tanks • Keep paths cleared to all fill pipes and propane tanks, to ensure timely deliveries • Call our office 24/7 with any questions
“Delivering Comfort you Can Count On”
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, do fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
I deny all rumors that I am now 30 years old!
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers. "How?"
MTV first aired at 12:01 AM on August 1, 1981. The first video was 'Video Killed the Radio Star' by The Buggles.
Planning residential projects this spring? • Excavating • Concrete • Septic System Installation • Water or Sewer Connections • Retaining Walls • Screened Loam & Gravel Delivery
20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston www.stlaurentandson.com • 784-7944
Locally owned and operated since 1970!
An infestation of head lice is called pediculosis.
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Supporting the Arts The arts are an important factor in achieving academic excellence. The importance of music education, however, does not stop with success in school. Success is achieved in developing intelligence, in society, and in life. According to a 2006 Gallup poll, 94% of respondents believe music is part of a well-rounded education, and that schools should offer instrument music instruction as part of the regular curriculum, and 85% believe participation in school music corresponds with better grades and higher test scores. These beliefs are further supported with evidence from The College Board, Profile of College-Bound Seniors National Report for 2006, which found that students in music appreciation instruction scored 62 points higher on verbal and 41 points higher on math than students with none. To receive the full benefit of music education, students must begin at a young age. Christopher M. Johnson and Jenny Memmott published a study in the Journal for Research in Music Education, (Winter 2006) of Elementary Schools and Middle Schools, showing elementary school students in top-quality music programs scored 22% better in English and 20% better in mathematics than students in low-quality music programs. The same can be said for middle school students. Students in middle school with excellent music programs had higher test scores in English and mathematics across the country than students in schools with low-quality music programs. Music programs have
Sales of antacids increase by as much as 20% the day after the Super Bowl.
HOMEBUYER WORKSHOP OFFERED Fontaine Family – The Real Estate Leader will host an informational workshop designed for buyers in todayʼs market from 6:30pm – 8pm on March 17th at their offices located at 336 Center Street in Auburn. The workshop is FREE and open to the public. The presentation will be given by Beth Favreau. Beth has been in the local real estate community since 1998. She holds and Associate Brokerʼs license and is a member of the Top 5 Real Estate Network. She also ranks in the top 1% of all real estate agents worldwide and attends Young Professionals of the Lewiston-Auburn area. Topics covered will include up to date information about buying in todayʼs market, taking advantage of little known financing options, and information on purchasing a short sale or foreclosure property. There will also be a question and answer period and opportunity to have one-on-one advice from one of Fontaineʼs experienced brokers. Space is limited and reservations are encouraged. Contact the Fontaine Team at 784-3800, by e-mail at Brenda@fontaineteam.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fontaineteam.
Beth Favreau
A person that is struck by lightning has a greater chance of developing motor neurone disease.
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Fossilized bird droppings are one of the chief exports of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
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The country of Andorra has a zero percent unemployment rate.
everlasting effects on today’s youth. Students involved in school music programs are more attentive, organized, are more likely to say “no” to drugs, alcohol and tobacco, and overall live happier and healthier lifestyles. All of this leads to higher high school graduation rates (90.2% versus 72.9%, Harris Interactive poll of high school principals, Spring 2006). Former president Gerald Ford said it best, “Music education opens doors that help children pass from school into the world around them – a world of work, culture, intellectual activity, and human involvement. The future of our nation depends on providing our children with a complete education that includes music.” Sincerely, Michele Kaschub, Ph.D. Submitted by Main Street Music. See their ad on page 39.
“Aspire to inspire before you expire.”
Computer Users Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert. Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sure glad spring is almost here... It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.
Intermediate User Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it. Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
The American Automobile association was formed in 1905 for the sole purpose of warning motorists of police speed traps.
GET YOUR TRUCKS READY FOR SPRING Light & Heavy Duty Trucks
This party was truly a Major success!
Suspension & Springs • Oil Changes Roadside Assistance Tune Ups • & Much More
20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com
Ray Kroc bought McDonalds for $2.7 million in 1961 from the McDonald brothers.
Appliance sales everyday is okay. But Disney ROCKS!
Jacob, Pete, Justin and Serrene Gagnon at Hollywood Studios in Disney (the Gagnon family owns Gedimanʼs Appliance) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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The largest cereal company in the world is Quaker Oats, located in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
French fries are the single most popular fast food in the USA. In the year 1970, french fries surpassed regular potato sales in the United States. In the year 2004, Americans ate 7.5 billion pounds of frozen french fries.
and get ready for your vacation!
o t n i
Ann Dumais
Kelly Giambra
Sue Poulin
Kim Galgovitch
Lisa Olmstead Pauline Guimond
Lysa Ronan
Valerie Kelshaw
Jacinta Labbe
We are a full service salon $20 OFF All Chemical Services (For new clients only) Includes: Foils, Perms & Glycolic Peels
14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston
786-4311
Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm
Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum.
PAWS IN MOTION PET GROOMING 784-3676 PawsInMotionGrooming.com
Nick’s Mowers & Blowers Clip this coupon for a
Maintenance and minor repair of small engines done right at your home!
10% discount off your next visit
577-1816
HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us! No Separating Required!
743-3891 HARRIS BROS.
SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD
Frosted Flakes mascot “Tony the Tiger” has a wife, son (Tony Jr.) and daughter (Antoinette) that were used in early advertising commercials.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas
In the 1930′s, Pepsi-Cola had an advertising campaign starring two cartoon cops called Pepsi & Pete.
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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In the late 1960′s, Mountain Dew bottles featured a hillbilly on them. These are now collector items worth five to ten dollars.
“Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned for 3 Generations
Lounge • Dining Room • Private Function Rooms
$
5
OFF Any order of $30 or more
Coming soon… Re-opening of
Captain Don’s Loft
Expires 3/31/11 Limit 1 coupon per order
Ask about our
Weekly Specials and
Captain’s Club Membership 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com
Ode to a Shedding Cat
There is now an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of two hundred people.
I think that I shall never see A cat that sheds as much as thee.
dition a r T e n i a AM unt On! o C n a C u Yo Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm
Thy fur that sticks is all around On chairs, on mats in little mounds. I sweep the floor, You shed some more. I wash the rug And you just shrug.
WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS
Cole Farms is an awesome place to enjoy a great breakfast with your kids!
Served from 10:30-3:30 You should give thanks I tolerate that Or you would be a crew-cut cat.
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich
DAILY SPECIALS
l to r: Parker, Madison, Mandy (Mom), & Zachary of New Gloucester Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . .$9.25 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls
Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . .$7.95 w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls
Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie .$6.95 In 1970, President Richard Nixon signed the Act, also known as the Clean Air Act. It required that the EPA identify and set standards for harmful pollutants; established two categories of air quality standards; and that leaded gas be phased out by the mid-1980s.
Yeah, and it’s a good place to celebrate being on vacation!
w/Potato & Rolls
Thursday New England Boiled Dinner . .$9.25 w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls
Friday - Lasagna . . . . . . . . . .$8.95 w/Salad & Rolls
Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . .$8.95
Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM
Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock
w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
BREAKFAST BUFFET
Adults .............$6.75 6 & under .......$3.75
SATURDAY & SUNDAY
Now open from 7am-11am
Thanks for picking us up!
Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
Retail sales for soft drinks in the United States in 2001 were more than sixty billion dollars.
& Jimbo
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JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE
In 2001, the five most valuable brand names in order were Coca-Cola, Microsoft, IBM, GE, and Nokia. ut our Check o ebsite: all new w
hallimplementco.com
Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
CELEBRATING
50 YEARS HALL IMPLEMENT CO. Jct. 202 & 302 at the rotary - Windham
892-6894
Happy 50th Anniversary
Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 Sat. 7:30-12:00
We’re very proud to be celebrating our 50th anniversary!
to Hall Implement! Steve Hall
It would take approximately twenty-four trees that are on average six to eight inches in diameter to produce one ton of newsprint for the Sunday edition of the New York Times.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Communication Lapse
The first product to ever be scanned with a bar code was Wrigleyʼs gum on June 26,1974.
Submitted by Jimbo
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
indham •
Located
orth W . 115 in N
0
892-822
on Rt
In 1907, on New Year's Eve, the original ball that was lowered in Times Square was made of wood and iron and had 100 light bulbs on it.
Can you name these masked bandits?
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!" Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!" The time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? 1 bananosecond Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Hint: They were seen at a recent Biz Break at Sawyer, Sawyer & Minott in Windham
There are no cemeteries in San Francisco, CA (excluding the federal National Cemetery at Lincoln Way).
The United States and Canada are the worldʼs largest producers of paper and paper products.
Can you name these crazy polar plungers?
Hint: Sebago Lake Rotary Derbyfest
Getting Married At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Modern Banking We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank.
In 1897, Bayer, who is the makers of Aspirin, once marketed the drug heroin.
ATTENTION WINDHAM AREA! ✩ FANTASTIC FOOD her’s c t a h T y r T ✩ FAIR PRICES ay! d o T ✩ FAMILY FRIENDLY ✩ FULL MENU & BAR
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RESTAURANT 892-9922 907 Roosevelt Trail in Windham Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm
Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners
While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking. So really, credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.
Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere
– Stan Kegel
'Jedi' is an official religion in Australia with over 70,000 followers.
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IT’S NOT TOO EARLY TO BOOK YOUR SUMMER FUNCTIONS! No catering job too small or too big! Weddings
Summer BBQ Corporate Functions
Family Reunions
Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Professional service at an affordable price Try Dad’s Place for your next event!
Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing
345-9009 There’s NO PLACE like...
Dad’s Place Catering Division
www.dadsplace.info
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy, it's a question of finding a sickness you like." – Jackie Mason
Sat. Mar. 19th
R-Rated Hypnotist
Frank Santos Jr $10pp - Call early to reserve your table & purchase tickets! 784-7785
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2 off ticket ✂ ✂
Clip or mention this ad
150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 ClubTexas.info
High Ranking A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., where he spent his spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercoastals Waterway. Soon he became a guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water. He noticed the puzzled look on the face of the young soldier.
“A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.”
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.
Shear Madness & Headquarters Salon have joined to form...
Close Shave I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.
782-3848 783-2220 1117 Center Street, Auburn
Back, l to r: Colby, LMT; Nichole, Stylist; Alicia, Stylist; Tiffany, LMT. Front, l to r: Carla & Christine, Co-owners
Hair • Nails • Massage Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. – Marianne Williamson
The new barber, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?" "No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." – Alfred Adler
Express yourself! Hundreds of beads to choose from!
Also beads for children! (Smaller, lower-priced beads similar to the adults but perfect for the lil ones!) Exceptional Quality Jewelry u Maine Gemstones Layaway Options Available u Instant Approval Financing
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1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford
739-2300 Hours: Mon.-Fri. 9am-5pm • Sat. 9am-3pm
“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”
I was the substitute teacher for a secondgrade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center. But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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ntally onme Envir roducts safe p
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Grea t tastin , fresh g foo ds
Community based
Local Farmers
Emmy, what’s the Square Root of supporting our local farmers?
Zakk Maher & Emmy Andersson Square Root Natural Foods in Poland
“Success is a great deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor
A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.
PARKING LOT LIGHTING REPAIR & UPGRADES
Out & About at Panache for Blake Dow’s first haircut Oh boy, I don’t know about this...
• Lighting Repairs • Energy Efficient LED & HID Upgrades • New Installation
I just can’t look...
Ask about Efficiency Maine Incentives We’re an Official Efficiency Maine Qualified Partner Call for your quote on interior light upgrades as well as new installations Incentives may also be available on these Energy Efficient Projects
Well, I guess that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be...
ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE
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1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
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Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for the Nobel Prize? It seems they discovered and calibrated the smallest particles known to man using only dental equipment.
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs
They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark." On January 17, 1893, American businessmen and sugar planters in Honolulu, Hawaii, overthrew the reign of Queen Liliuokalani and formed a republic. Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21, 1959, and is the only U.S. state made up entirely of islands. “Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to "resident," just write a big "P" in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”
BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY 2 locations to serve your needs
LEWISTON 541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029
BRUNSWICK 92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797
Once a human reaches the age of 35, he/she will start losing approximately 7,000 brain cells a day. The cells will never be replaced.
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit. "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!" "That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
– Tom Robbins
The first step towards the solution of any problem is optimism. – John Baines
Out & About at Club Texas
Ray The Electrician LLC
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL “My Prices Won’t Shock You”
Office: 225-3360 • Cell: 576-6643 rayele@roadrunner.com
Fully Insured • All Electrical Service Work • Houses • Cottages • Dormitories • Campgrounds • Schools
• Phone Cable • Camera Security • House Alarms • Lead Certified Renovator
Why does this seem like such a familiar pose?
PLUS: • Install all sizes of generators, from portable to stand-by generators • Install permanent line poles for new housing developments
We answer any emergency call 24 hours a day / 7 days a week Licensed in Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts and Vermont Financing Available • Some Restrictions Apply “When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.”
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I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes. "I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.
I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping! Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!
"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."
In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was first organized in New York City. The purpose of the Elks is to practice charity, justice, brotherly love, and faithfulness. Trivia buffs: Its original name was the Jolly Corks, a name derived from a bar trick introduced by the group's organizer. I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs." Q: What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?
“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $
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Large Selection of Fenton Glassware!
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Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!
A: A river. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." – Lord Byron
When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.
Next NRA pistol course date: March 12th - call for your spot
Enjoying life in Maine
We Buy, Sell & Trade Full Line Gun Smith Service New website coming soon!! Check us out!
J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager
Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat
John Reid, Owner
We can never have enough signs of Spring! The Perfect Place to Dine anytime of the day! Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm
EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!
784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn
You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.
Jack Marsh From this hilltop home, deep in the Maine woods, this old man is getting used to living in Maine. Itʼs hard for me to call my son Uncle Andy. When the phone rings for him, itʼs usually Jimbo or Big Gare, and these guys really do use these names among themselves! I enjoy the piano on the second floor of this barn-like home. Music has always meant much to me. I do my 40 pushups every day to keep up with the younger generation I am surrounded by. I am also walking nine laps at Bates College every other day through the Health Steps program. Life is good.
Dad, wishing you a happy 87th birthday on March 1st. Anna & I appreciate you being here with us. Happy Birthday. – Uncle Andy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
This night went by so fast it was a blur...
“Had I not seen the Sun, I could have borne the shade.” – Emily Dickinson
Spring Cleanup! FULLY • Parking Lot, Sidewalk INSURED & Driveway Sweeping • Pot Hole Repairs GET YOUR PAVING ESTIMATES EARLY! Let the professionals assess winter damage NOW Call us for your FREE ESTIMATE
Est. 1945
782-3617
1331 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • lppoirier@myfairpoint.net We’re back at Club Texas on April 9th. Come check us out!
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." – Samuel Beckett
Remodeling Your Kitchen or Bathroom? FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED!
Check out our showroom!
Over 110 granite and 300 quartz colors to choose from! I’ve got a feelin... that tonight’s gonna be a good night!
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Family Owned & Operated
786-5556 995 Center Street, Auburn • www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm
Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. – Aristotle
To fight fear, act. To increase fear, wait, put off, postpone. – David J. Schwartz
Sugar Packets Announcement The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area. We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.
Calories That Don't Count... INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
Re-opening in March! • Fresh Produce • Farm Fresh Eggs • Cheese • Homemade Fudge ...and more!
& Farm Stand EBT Accepted
72 Lisbon St., in Lisbon
Carry-on The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!" She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
Open 7 Days a Week 9am-5pm
Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly. If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you. "I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality." – Mitch Hedberg
Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities
Service Rental Sales
Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500
We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.
"A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits." – Richard M. Nixon
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There is no better investment than a new kitchen or bath!
r t a u x o r e y f u nd wisely… e s U
Best flooring prices in town… why pay more? Exclusive Dealer of
Todd Lebel Kitchen Design Specialist
Now Available Latest style of Cabinet Hardware makes cabinetry look updated and new. Brass, Antique Brass, Burnished Metals, Ceramic and much more.
Large Selection of In-Stock 550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831
• Hardwood • Laminates • Ceramic Tile • Carpet Rems • Vinyl Rems Bound Rugs & Runners
www.shermarnolds.com NEW EXPANDED HOURS: Monday 8-7pm • Tues - Fri. 8-5pm • Sat. 9-2pm
It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.
Out & About at Club Texas
Plan Your Spring Projects Now!
for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
Commercial/Residential Hardscaping
FULLY INSURED
STILL OFFERING SNOW REMOVAL SERVICES
FREE ESTIMATES
Retaining Walls • Walkways & Steps • Brick Patios • Specialty Stonework •
Granite Curbing • Foundations • House Lots • Excavation • And more! •
36 Howes Corner Road, Turner • 344-5814 • donerighthardscape@yahoo.com
The state of Pennsylvania can lay claim to some dubious firsts. The first woman governor. The zipper. Toilet paper. And the autogiro, ancestor to the helicopter.
You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. – Doug Floyd
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
Shawn Brown Project Manager 740-0560
&T Jimbo
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Honesty After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
116 Crowley Rd. Lewiston
"Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Man: "Darling, your teeth remind me of the stars" Woman: "Because they gleam and sparkle?" Man: "No, because they come out at night!"
Appetite for Destruction One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?" "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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5,000 Sq. Ft. ♦ 6 Garage Door Bays ♦ Surveillance Security ♦ Built in 2006 ♦ Zoned Retail ♦ Zoned Light Industrial ♦ 750’ Road Frontage ♦ Easy Access to Turnpike ♦ Brick and Granite Facade $ ♦ Heated Warehouse ♦ 1200 sq. ft. Office Space ♦ Full Bathroom, Kitchenette
349,900
CALL 576-4330 For Showing "The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates." – Dave Barry
“Never buy a car you can't push.”
Prisoners A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
In 1969, Golda Meir was sworn in as Israel's first woman prime minister. Meir took office with the largest percentage of the vote ever won by an Israeli party. Meir is the only woman to have headed a Middle Eastern state in modern times.
Missed Calls
GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR BY INVESTING IN YOUR HOME! Let us finish your new kitchen or bathroom remodel or any project you want done... Call us for your FREE quote!
“The Difference is in the Details”
Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.
Call 753-9887 or 576-8528
OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available
"To get the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain." – Dolly Parton
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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“I spent a lot of cash in France," Tom said frankly. "And also in Germany," he added markedly. "In Italy, I used my charge card a lot," said Tom deliriously. "I exchanged all my English money," Tom expounded. While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehiclebureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." – William Arthur Ward
WE’VE GOT HANDGUNS! HUGE SELECTION! FREE Bottle of Pepper Spray with any handgun purchase! Just a small sample of our inventory
Call Matt, Drew or Chris at
Rt. 4 • Turner, ME
225-3432
Just past Twitchell’s Airport
Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210
g3firearms@megalink.net
The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?" Instead of moving the car, she slid over. Q: Did you hear about the elevator operator who rode to the basement to pick up Dracula? A: He went down for the Count. A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
Support local businesses. They all need our support! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Calories That Don't Count... TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
With Jimbo on the mend deadline time at UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST got pretty interesting. With a “whatever it takes” attitude, he and Travis pulled it off! And as usual Uncle Andy was no where to be found... "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." – Malcolm S. Forbes
"It's my own invention," Bob replied patently.
CNA’S & PSS’S
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Assisted Home Care Home Care Means... • More privacy - you get personal care in your own home. • Convenience - continuity of care. • Comfort - being in your own home. • Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home. • Nursing care by qualified caregivers.
Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston
783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.
"If you've never run aground, you've never been anywhere!" – Unknown
Claudia "Lady Bird" Johnson was First Lady of the United States from 1963 to 1969 during the presidency of her husband Lyndon B. Johnson. Throughout her life, she was an advocate for beautification of the nation's cities and highways and conservation of natural resources and made that her major initiative as First Lady. Sacajawea, the Shoshone woman who helped guide Lewis and Clark on their journey across the new Louisiana Purchase to the Pacific Ocean. In 2000, the US Mint issued the Sacajawea dollar coin in her honor. The face on the coin was modeled on a modern ShoshoneBannock woman named Randy'L Hedow Teton. The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reasons for remaining ashore. – Vincent Van Gogh
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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True Driverʼs Ed Stories What a Gas! When one Colorado student went out for a drive, the instructor told her to stop by the school district's transportation center to fill up with gas. While the student pumped the gas, the instructor offered some tips. "Hey," he said, "you don't need to squeeze the handle if you flip this little clip here." And he flipped the clip. Then he said, "Hey, you don't even need to hold this if you wedge it here on the bumper." So he took the handle out of her hand and wedged it into the bumper. Thirty seconds later, the hose came unhooked, but the clip stayed secure. The hose flipped all around like an angry rattlesnake, spewing gas all over the place—including the instructor and the student!
The Moon weighs 81 billion tons.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." – e.e. cummings
Auburn Exchange Club’s 35th Annual Twin Cities
GUN SHOW SAT. MARCH 26th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 27th 9-3 at the
Lewiston Armory Central Ave., Lewiston
Dealers from throughout d New Englan
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS
Find us & like us on FACEBOOK Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Admission: Adults: $7 Children under 12: Free with adult "We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations." – Charles R. Swindoll
The gift wrap industry accounts for $2.6 billion in sales per year.
True Driverʼs Ed Stories So Long, Coach! Nancy was especially nervous behind the wheel of the brand-new driver's ed car—the car that Coach Klosterman was so proud of. Still, everything was going smoothly … until they had to leave the grounds of their school in North Carolina. Nancy panicked, and stepped on the gas hard as she turned left, tires squealing furiously. Coach Klosterman's door flew open, and he went flying out onto the pavement!
Irish Toast: It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money! One of the many reasons Uncle Andy started his very own Digest...
I don’t need no World Book Encyclopedias, Uncle Andy!
Nancy panicked again, hitting the gas instead of the brake, dodging the oncoming traffic. When she finally found the brake, the car skidded into a 180-degree spin. While another student in the back seat lost his lunch, ruining that newcar smell, Nancy screamed, "What'll we do! Coach'll kill me!" Fortunately, Coach K didn't kill her. And just as fortunately, she hadn't killed him either. He was fine, though quite upset. Bricks are the oldest manufactured building material still in use. Egyptians used them 7,000 years ago.
Remember, if your dog is an Irish Setter, be a good sport on St. Patrick's Day and paint his favorite fire hydrant green.
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Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party Hey! Get over here if you want to be in this pic!!
And if you're going out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, be sure to have a designated leprechaun to drive you home.
STARBUCKS®, APPLEBEE’S®, AND A NEW CREDIT UNION
CAN FIT ON THIS LOT... TOGETHER!
2 miles from Poland Spring Inn!
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Keyboard not detected - press F1 to continue.
“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." – Nora Ephron
Kut ‘Em Up Lawn Kare
Out & About at Club Texas for the Uncle Andy’s Digest Party
COMMERCIAL/RESIDENTIAL Mowing Spring Cleanup Branches • Leaves Lawn Seeding Mulching •Hedge Trimming Snowplowing Free Estimates • Fully Insured
240-4448 240-4448 Brian LaFontaine $
10 OFF
First Lawn Mowing with 1-year contract
Recording star Vanilla Ice's real name is Robert Van Winkle.
“I used so much hairspray that I feel personally responsible for global warming.” – Dusty Springfield
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True Driverʼs Ed Stories No Passing Zone! Erin, a student from Iowa, just didn't get it. While driving one day with her instructor and fellow students, their car came upon a slower vehicle. "Kick it into passing gear, signal and pass," said the instructor. Erin didn't do anything. "Put it in passing gear!" the instructor yelled. Clueless Erin looked down at the gear shift, and shifted into the gear she thought stood for passing—"P."
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
30% to 50% OFF Boards, Boots, Bindings & Outerwear HUGE SELECTION!
"P," of course, means "Park." A horrendous sound came from the engine, and the instructor stopped the car with his brake.
March and April two of the best months for riding!
Needless to say, Erin didn't pass—pun intended. Q: It is greater than God and more evil than the devil. The poor have it, the rich need it and if you eat it you'll die. What is it? A: Nothing. Nothing is greater than God, nothing is more evil than the devil, the poor have nothing, the rich need nothing and if you eat nothing you'll die. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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1 Garfield Road, Auburn • 344-6622 You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
Listen Up
Building or Remodeling??
A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.
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The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
1525 Lisbon St., Lewiston, ME 04240
783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 www.myselco.com M-F 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Light and airy .............. No air conditioning Save
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"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."
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You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2011
783-7039 91
True Driverʼs Ed Stories
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
Ruff Road Ahead!
Spring Starts March 20th! Get it GONE NOW!!
Some students in New Mexico were out for a drive when a dog suddenly walked in front of the car. The driving instructor, fearing the student might lose control of the car by swerving to miss the dog, said, "Go ahead and hit it." By then, the dog had crossed the road. But the student complied anyway, taking a hard left and chasing the petrified pooch into a pasture! The instructor stomped on the brake, and the car stopped less than five feet in front of the poor pup!
• Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away… • We bust our butts so you don’t have to! Spring is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!
Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!! Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed
Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs CALL US FOR A FREE QUOTE!
Farrell Enterprises Over 65? Ask about senior discounts.
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782-5300 or 576-2501
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
"Why did you turn off the highway?" the instructor shouted. "Well," said the student, "you said to hit the dog." Japanese Emperor Akihito was born on December 23, 1933. This is a national holiday in Japan. He acceded to the throne in 1989, and is the 17th most senior monarch or lifelong leader. He is the world's only currently reigning monarch whose title is customarily translated into English as "Emperor." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes
• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems
CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)
Male model is Uncle Andy
Uncle Andyʼs latest invention
The Snowplow Walker© “This is a million dollar idea,” says Uncle Andy. “Itʼs a way for the elderly to get some exercise and feel good. Call me at 555-1212 to orders yours today!”
Good luck, Uncle Andy!
True Driverʼs Ed Stories Temper, Temper! Last fall, a few high school students in North Carolina were in the wrong place at the wrong time when their driving instructor made national headlines. They were out for a drive during class when another car cut 'em off. The instructor ordered the student driver to give chase. The student complied—hey, she really wanted an A—and when they caught up with the other car at a stoplight, the instructor got out, walked over to the other car, and … whack! He punched the guy in the nose. Oh, and he lost his job, too. School officials figured he probably was a bit too tense to teach people how to drive.
Quality Time
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her. We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix. She's still mad at me. What did I do?
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if... Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2011
783-7039 93
Complimentary
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?" Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: "The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan." Q: I never was, am always to be. No one ever saw me, nor ever will. And yet I am the confidence of all, To live and breath on this terrestrial ball. What am I?
“I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.“ – Steven Wright
A cat that can read!
A: Tomorrow or the future. In 1995, Celeste Keys was born 95 days after her twin brother Timothy (born on October 11, 1994). Her mother Simone had a double uterus, thus allowing Celeste to be carried to term even though her mother went into premature labor with her brother. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
The Mayor's Burden One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer. The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?" The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."
800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn
In 1719, Thomas Fleet of Boston, Massachusetts, published his mother-in-law's tales in the book, Mother Goose. Mr. Fleet's mother-in-law was thought to have been Elizabeth Vergoose, also known as Elizabeth Foster Goose, widow of Isaac Goose. SHOP LOCAL USE OUR ADVERTISERS!
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.” – Steven Wright
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2011
783-7039 95
All the planets in our solar system could be placed inside the planet Jupiter.
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MARCH 2011
783-7039
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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The first minimum wage, of twenty-five cents, was established by Congress in 1938.