Friday, April 1, 2022 Print Edition

Devlin Daley joins Utica University

Wordle sweeps Utica and the nation

Satire returns for 75th anniversary

NEWS | PG. 3

FEATURES | PG. 6

SATIRE | PG. 9-12

The

TANGERINE

VOL. LXXV, ISSUE 13

FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

UTICATANGERINE.COM

Dr. Robert Halliday to step down from administrative roles, effective May 15 ◊ MATTHEW BREAULT EDITOR-IN-CHIEF After being in administrative roles for the past 19 years, Senior Associate Provost and Dean Of Graduate Studies Dr. Robert Halliday has decided to step down and focus on his faculty duties.

Halliday, who has been at Utica University since 1991, has served in a number of administrative roles, including chair at various times of the philosophy, history,

psychology and health studies departments at Utica University.

His decision to step down from his two administrative positions was shared by Utica University Provost Todd Pfannestiel in a staff email on Tuesday, March 22.

Although Halliday is stepping down from two administrative roles at Utica University, it doesn’t mean he will be absent from the campus.

According to Halliday, this

decision will allow him to enjoy what he loves to do, because for the past 19 years, he spent his time problem solving fulltime.

“I found the job as satisfying as teaching, it just stretched different muscles and it is also a very draining job,” Halliday said. “Having done it for nearly two decades, it felt like time to get back into the classroom and into the faculty where I can do different things.

SEE HALLIDAY PG. 4

Dr. Robert Halliday. /Photo: Dr. Robert Halliday, LinkedIn

Profile: Women’s Resource Center ◊ ISABELLA HUDZIAK MANAGING NEWS EDITOR ◊ HOLLIE DAVID FEATURES EDITOR

intern and animal behavior major Kat Hawley, the WRC has been through many iterations of focus and ideologies throughout the waves of feminism.

Nestled in the residential quad of Utica University’s campus is the Francis A. Wilcox Intercultural Center, otherwise known as the home to the Women’s Resource Center.

The K. Della Ferguson Women’s Resource Center was established in 1990 by a group of students along with K. Della Ferguson and Alane Varga to offer services in support of sexual and reproductive rights and resources for women with children on campus, The organization evolved to become a women’s activist organization where they supported student activist groups by attending and planning protests.

The WRC recently attended

WRC staff and advisors after the Women’s Empowerment Cabaret. /Photo: Utica University Admissions Instagram a march for reproductive rights, just as they did during the fall of 2021, and received criticism from the administration for having an activist stance as a partoffice, part-organization on

campus. As a result, several off-shoot organizations such as Women In a New Direction (WIND) sprouted from the WRC. According to programming

“Every time there is a new generation of people, our focus shifts to what is important to the students at that time,” Hawley said.

“We have always provided menstrual products, free sexual health products and resources connected with domestic violence and sexual assault awareness. I think that is one of the core issues the WRC has consistently addressed.”

The original focus of the WRC was in support of women with children on campus, they have also highlighted issues such as breast cancer awareness and labor rights for women.

SEE WRC PG. 5

PAGE 2

STAFF

FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

Spring 2022 STAFF

@UticaTangerine @Utica_Tangerine @Utica_Tangerine

UTICATANGERINE.COM

Editor-In-Chief - Matthew Breault Layout Editor - Thomas Caputo Managing News Editor - Isabella Hudziak Features Editor - Hollie David Sports Editor - Emily Joss Photographer - Alexandria Leland General Assignments - Morgan Hinman Special Assignments - Michale Thompson Tangerine Clerk - Charles Buckley Circulation Manager - Emily Allard Adviser - Mary Christopher

About The Tangerine is published biweekly during the academic year by and for Utica University students. To reach a member of the staff, email tanger@utica.edu or call 315-792-3065. All material printed in The Tangerine is copyrighted. The Tangerine was first published as the Utica College News on Nov. 6, 1946.

Submission Policy Letters to the editor are welcomed from all members of the Utica University community.

Letters must meet fair and accurate publishing standards and contain no libelous material.

Anonymous letters to the editor will not be printed. All letters and editorials must meet the print deadline of 5 p.m. on Mondays. Please send all submissions to tanger@utica.edu.

Takeback requests are a form of censorship and therefore not accepted.

Advertising Information The Tangerine accepts paid advertisements. Advertising copy is subject to the same professional publishing standards as content. The Tangerine reserves the right to reject advertising that does not meet the standards established, is libelous, is in poor taste or violates discrimination laws. Please direct all inquiries to tanger@utica.edu. The deadline for publication is 10 a.m. on Tuesdays.

The opinions and columns expressed in The Tangerine are those of the individual writers and do not represent the views of The Tangerine or Utica University.

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Contact The Tangerine!

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NEWS

PAGE 3 FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

UTICATANGERINE.COM

Devlin Daley: New Assistant Director of Campus Engagement ◊ ISABELLA HUDZIAK MANAGING NEWS EDITOR

ongoing office.

On Monday, March 7, the new Assistant Director of Campus Engagement Devlin Daley started her job as announced by the Morning Mention.

Dayna Losito, the current president of IGC and member of Chi Beta Sigma, expressed her excitement about the new advisor.

Daley, who is originally from Boston and an avid sports fan, was drawn to Utica University by its close-knit community and close proximity to her home in Syracuse.

“I love the high volume of campus activities and programs happening,” Daley said. “Being able to help students see their programs to fruition and getting them engaged in a post-COVID world excites me.”

According to Daley, the small institution community reminds her of her alma mater Union College in Schenectady, where she was a member of the Alpha Lambda Delta sorority.

Daley showing off her Utica spirit in her new office. /Photo: Isabella Hudziak the Inter-Greek Council, where she hopes to help the community understand what it means to be part of a Greek organization.

activities

of

the

“Devlin has expressed ideas that she wants to implement immediately to finish up this semester strong, and ideas for the future to help boost student morale on campus,” Losito said. “I’m excited to see what she has to offer once she really gets going after settling in.”

Along with advising the IGC, Daley will also advise the Utica University Programming Board, which sponsors several events around campus. She will assist students during the event planning process.

need to.”

The growth and utilization of PioHub is a main goal for the Student Living and College Engagement office, such as having it visible on the television screens across campus or blocking office hours for PioHub workshops.

“Hopefully in my role, I’ll be that bridge between Utica, the SLCE office and the presence network,” Daley said. “I think that part of my push is also going to be just to find creative ways to increase the engagement of people actually downloading the app and going to the website.”

In an effort to get to know the student body of Utica, Daley plans to attend pop-up SLCE events like Freebie Fridays and encourages students to come by the office.

According to the March 7 Morning Mention, she will provide primary support for student engagement initiatives, large-scale events and programming and provide oversight for the

“I kind of like to think of myself as the last puzzle piece,” Daley said. “You created everything, you thought of everything, you talked with the vendors, you did everything and I’m there to help fill in the gaps where I

Date Of Incident

Time Of Incident

Short Description

Building

3/24/2022

3:10 PM

Suspicious Activity

North Hall

3/24/2022

8:00 AM

Odor of Marijuana

Parking Lot

3/26/2022

10:30 PM

Building Access

Alumni Hall C

3/27/2022

2:10 AM

Alcohol Violation

Parking Lot

3/28/2022

11:45 AM

Suspicious Person

Clark Athletic Center

3/28/2022

4:10 PM

Parking Violations

Unknown

3/28/2022

4:20 PM

Parking Violations

Parking Lot

3/28/2022

5:50 PM

Fire Alarm

Pioneer Village A

3/28/2022

3:45 PM

Harassment - Non-Student

Hubbard Hall

3/29/2022

10:10 AM

Parking Violations

Unknown

3/29/2022

10:20 AM

Parking Violations

Unknown

3/29/2022

9:15 PM

Medical Assist

North Hall

In her new position, Daley will be the new advisor for

“My door is always open and I really want to engage the community so people should feel free to hang out in our office and ask us questions,” Daley said.

Campus Safety Blotter

PAGE 4

NEWS

FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

HALLIDAY FROM PG. 1 While I continued to teach regularly during my time in administration, there were things I could not do, but that I can as a faculty member. So, I am looking forward to creating new classes and programs, particularly for the new general education program, and to spending more time with students.”

When Halliday arrived at Utica University in 1991, things were much different than they are today. Then, the school was Utica College of Syracuse University, a small branch campus without its own president, Board of Trustees or HR department.

Each curriculum, hiring and tenure decision were made by Syracuse University and there were no graduate programs, no online education and a limited roster of sports.

Reflecting on how far the school has come since he originally was hired as an assistant professor of philosophy, Halliday noted the multiple changes that

were made during his tenure as both faculty and a part of administration.

Some of the biggest changes that were made include Utica College receiving its independent charter, while achieving financial and legal independence from SU in 1995, Utica announcing its final transition to full independence in the fall of 2008 and Utica College becoming Utica University in February of 2022.

Another change Halliday was fascinated by was how far technology has come since he began teaching at Utica.

When Halliday started his first administrative role, students would have to take a piece of paper to their adviser and work out what classes were best for the next semester, and when submitting grades, faculty would have to fill out a form and hand carry it to the registrar’s office. Now, technology has made it much more simple.

“Probably the biggest single change I have seen

UTICATANGERINE.COM

in the years is the inclusion of technology into every aspect of our operations,” Halliday said. “Now, students can get online to register and a faculty member can submit final grades from home late on a Saturday night when the grading is done. Technology has made every process from admissions to graduation smoother and more efficient.”

One thing Halliday will miss about his administrative roles is the problem solving aspect, something he has done continuously and has been accustomed to doing for more than 19 years.

“I love being able to take something that is not working well, work out why, cooperate with the necessary people and end up with a solution that makes life easier for everyone,” Halliday said. “It is often an invisible role because no one notices when things work well, but it is immensely satisfying. I hope that, in so far as processes run smoothly, I am leaving for my successor a more efficient and smoother

academic affairs operation than I stepped into.”

As Halliday will continue to be a professor of philosophy at Utica University, his legacy and impact on administration will always be remembered.

Pfannestiel, who has served as Utica University’s Provost and Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs since June 2018, took a moment to thank Halliday for his contributions to Utica University.

“I wish to thank Robert for all of his support to the university in a variety of administrative capacities over the past nineteen years,” Pfannestiel said. “His commitment to our students’ success remained strong throughout his service in Academic Affairs, and will no doubt continue as he resumes his faculty duties.”

The interim Associate Provost position has yet to be announced, and the process is currently ongoing. The announcement of the position will come when the time is right, according to Halliday.

POV: ‘Sad to see,’ Utica students react to the Russian/Ukraine conflict ◊ JACOB ANWEILER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

behind Ukraine, forming their own opinions on the matter.

On Feb. 24, Russia invaded Ukraine in what the world views as an act of aggression. The two nations have a long and complicated history, where the war being broadcasted today is essentially a continuation of the conflict from 2014 when Russia annexed Crimea and supported pro-Russian movements in the Donbas region.

Utica University students have witnessed the events unfold through the screens of their electronic devices.

Today, Russia and Ukraine are involved in a full-on war. The largest conflict seen in Europe since the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s, while the current conflict has displaced the most refugees seen since World War II in Europe, according to the U.N. Refugee Agency.

What Appley said rings true to almost everyone who supports Ukraine. Since the Vietnam War, the public has gradually gained more access to information about wars and conflicts. Seeing firsthand the rubble of buildings, the destruction of human life, and the everyday struggles civilians in warzones must deal with while their home is under attack.

Living in a world of information, it’s hard to not hear, see or notice atrocities. With the help of the internet and social media people across the world along with those in the local community have rallied

“I think the war crimes going on in Ukraine now are very sad to see,” said Dan Appley, a graduate student. “Even in America, we are able to see terrible videos and pictures of the damage that has already been done.”

While many form opinions, others seek ways on how to help or what ways the nations

of the world can help.

Kaitlin Mahardy, another graduate student, reflected on the stunning refugee numbers as people flee their homes and lives to escape Russia’s wrath and called the attack on Ukraine devastating.

“The United States and other countries should welcome refugees as needed,” Mahardy said. “Especially Utica, where we have a thriving refugee population.”

Mahardy signaled a call to action of where help can be provided. This is easier said than done, however, a potential start could be offering a haven to the people who have been displaced. The Utica area has a history of being a melting pot for immigrants and refugees.

For those who lost their homes and livelihood, places like Utica around the world can offer new opportunities to those who need it.

However, conflicts like what we see in Russia and Ukraine

are messy, and won’t resolve easily or quickly. Being in the United States where we’re an ocean and continent away from the fighting, many feel powerless in making a difference.

Zac Taylor, a senior at Utica University, understands the conflict and hopes it resolves quickly.

“From what I know of the conflict, I feel a little helpless in my current situation to do anything that would be worthwhile to help,” Taylor said. “I hope it resolves soon, but I don’t know if that will happen.”

With the war so far from our borders, it’s difficult to answer this when many Americans aren’t directly affected by the events unfolding, leaving this decision up to our elected leaders to make the right call. The conflict in Eastern Europe has caught worldwide attention and must be handled delicately.

FEATURES

PAGE 5 FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

UTICATANGERINE.COM

WRC FROM PG. 1

work because everybody’s experiences are different and so coming together as the family, or sometimes we call it the sisterhood, is a really powerful way to be grounded while reaching out and doing the work that we do,” Hawley said.

The main focus of WRC currently is centered around gender equity in the community. They also strive to become an important peer resource on campus, where a student in crisis would feel comfortable going, according to Hawley.

While campus events over the past few semesters have been virtually non-existent or seen slim attendance due to COVID-19, attendance this semester has increased and WRC has seen a steady flow of students with an upward of 45 at the most recent event, a Women’s Empowerment Cabaret.

Coming up for the organization, there are several events in the works.

The week of April 11 is known as sex-positive week and WRC will host a variety of events throughout this week including informational lectures, sexual education from around the world and a game/activity night.

“We are planning on doing an event called Condom Casino where you come in play games, learn facts about safe sex and sex education and then at the end of the night you can trade out however many condoms you have for prizes,” Hawley said. “We just try to educate the campus in a fun way that will get them in the room to hear those conversations, it’s a sexual empowerment time and we get to learn some things.”

On Sunday, March 27, the WRC held their annual Women’s Herstory Month Luncheon. The theme this year, according to the National Women’s History Alliance, was: Providing Healing and Promoting Hope.

The Women’s Resource Center mural in their former location in the Hubbard Hall basement. /Photo: Isabella Hudziak Students should also look for sex-ed Bootcamp which may be coming back to campus in the fall, along with an open house hosted by the WRC.

Hawley said.

WRC is always open to new members and is considered a non-hierarchical organization.

The various positions of WRC are administration intern, programming intern, programming assistant and regular volunteers. Different tasks and responsibilities are delegated to each member and all members work together for the better of the whole.

“We hope to continue to make that place a second home like Hubbard basement was for me and for any new student coming into the center as a volunteer who needs help or whose paid staff,” said Jaydy Hernandez, the administrative intern for the center. “I’m looking forward to seeing what that looks like for the future.”

“Whenever anyone wants to step up to do something, we help encourage them and then the staff who has been here the longest will help train people to develop the skills that they need to effectively event plan and provide resources to the campus,”

The organization hosts weekly meetings on Wednesdays at 1:30 p.m. in the Wilcox Center and all are welcome.

The WRC promotes a welcoming atmosphere to all members and volunteers. The organization strives to function as an inclusive community for the university’s campus.

“We are an organization that values every individual human that is doing this

Local pediatrician Dr. Emerita Pizarro, who was introduced to the WRC through her speech during the women’s march for reproductive rights held in October, was invited as a guest speaker to the luncheon.

“Whatever field you are in and whatever endeavor you launch yourself into, think of all the other women and girls you can inspire,” Pizarro said. “When you ask how to correctly pronounce a woman’s name. When you acknowledge when you see someone struggle. When your eyes tell someone that you can see their pain–you have become a healer. You never really know who you are going to give healing or hope to.”

For more information on upcoming events or how to become a member of WRC, students can reach out to Kat Hawley and Jaydy Hernandez by email or find them on the organization’s PioHub page.

PAGE 6

FEATURES

FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

UTICATANGERINE.COM

New York Times’ Wordle sweeps Utica and the nation ◊ HOLLIE DAVID FEATURES EDITOR

people post their scores for the day.

People have six tries to guess a five-letter word in the New York Times’ daily word game, Wordle. Thousands of people every day log on just to attempt to figure out each day’s designated word.

“I haven’t been playing for that long, maybe about a month,” liberal studies and childhood education major Jordanna Rubino said. “I saw it on Facebook one day and wanted to try it out, especially when I saw other people posting their score things all over. I simply googled it and tried it.”

The game, which was created by software engineer Josh Wardle for his partner, sparked the interest of the public and has rapidly increased in players since its release in October.

The New York Times purchased the game in January and has continued to grow since, according to a PCGamer article by Rich Stanton.

Game rules for Wordle are simple: a player needs to guess a word and if they guess a correct letter the color of the box the letter is in changes. Yellow means that the letter is in the days’ word but not in the correct spot, Green means the letter is in the word and in the correct spot.

The biggest kicker is that there is only one word every day.

Utica University alumni Jacob Kahl plays NYT’s Wordle on March 30. /Photo: Hollie David Wordle has around 300,000 active players, according to a New York Times article by Daniel Victor. These players are trying to guess the word before those around them which creates a shared goal.

It seems that one draw of the game is the competitiveness it creates amongst groups of friends and family members.

“I like Wordle as it is a fun game and challenges you,” senior Gabrielle Ricci said. “I try to beat my sister and see

who can get the word in the least amount of tries.”

The game has been discovered by many in a variety of different ways.

Arianna Granza, an early childhood education major, discovered the game on the TikTok @miss__hunter, where a teacher uses the game as a tool to help teach her class every day.

Others have found the game through a variety of social media platforms when

Wordle

There are a variety of reasons why people play the game besides the competition it brings when guessing the daily word. Word games have increased in popularity over the past few years with the rise of games such as New York Times’ Spelling Bee and PeopleFun game Wordscapes “I love the game, and I think it is a great and fun way to improve one’s overall thinking skills,” Granza said. “Especially as an education major, we are taught to make learning fun for students while also giving them the most effective instruction so I think this game is a great way to do that. It also promotes teamwork and idea-sharing in the classroom as well which is so beneficial.”

Profile: Communication Club ◊ CHARLES BUCKLEY TANGERINE CLERK ◊ MORGAN HINMAN GENERAL ASSIGNMENTS REPORTER Utica University is now offering a new club called Communication Club for prospective students that is open to any major and will explore the world of communication. The club will observe different career opportunities, all while creating a social network for students who share common interests.

On Wednesday, March 2, students and faculty from the communication and media department met together

for the first meeting of the Communication Club. The club’s feedback was well received as about 25 people attended the organization event to try and work on getting the club off the ground and recognized.

The advisor and creator of the club is professor of public relations and management Patricia Swann.

“The Communication Club was created because there was no club organization available for the communicationrelated majors,” Swann said.

“Students who are interested in learning more about the world of communication and

its varied career options all while creating an opportunity for students to get together outside of classes.”

Some students within the major were excited to see this sort of club finally start up, seeing it as a way to not only learn more about their career field but also as a possible point of interest on their resumes and build a sense of community within the CMM major.

“What interested me most about the Communication Club was seeing students wanting to meet and share their interests and passion for communication and media,” said Thomas Caputo, a senior

CMM student who has a concentration in journalism.

“A lot of CMM students tend to stick with either print, broadcast or theatre, and we all tend to stay in our own groups, so it’s really nice to see all of us breaking out of our spaces and coming together.”

Secretary Corrine Bush explained how it is helpful to be surrounded by like-minded individuals as the club allows for that to come to light.

“I think because we’ve all studied communications in some form, we were able to connect better and set goals before our next meeting,” Bush said.

SEE CLUB PG. 7

FEATURES

PAGE 7 FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022 CLUB FROM PG. 6 Some students who aren’t even a part of the communication concentrations joined the club out of curiosity.

Kevin Chambers, an English major, said he saw the club as a great way to expand his knowledge on another major he thought was interesting.

“I think this club is going to do well,” Chambers said. “It’s a club that is not only for a specific major but it’s also accepting of letting anyone from any major join in to be a part of it.”

For the rest of the spring semester, several trips and networking opportunities have been scheduled with multiple alumni and local

UTICATANGERINE.COM

businesses that relate to the communication discipline, such as the Cooperstown Hall of Fame and the New York Power Authority Interactive Visitor Center.

get the majority of our communications people in one room, from the people I see on a daily basis, to those I’ve heard about but never met,” Bush said

Bush was happy with the turnout of the first meeting and event and looks forward to the future of the club.

For more information on Communication Club and how to become a part of it, students can reach out to Swann through her email, pswann@utica.edu.

“Even from our first meeting I was really excited to finally

EIC Eats No.5: Rochester’s Famous Garbage Plate ◊ MATTHEW BREAULT EDITOR-IN-CHIEF For the fifth edition of EIC Eats, I decided to do something I have never done in any of the previous four editions. I ate something that was not from a fast food establishment.

UticaTV’s Station Manager Francis Tavino, who is a native of Rochester, had been telling me for weeks that I need to try his homemade Garbage Plate. I will get into what a Garbage Plate is shortly, however, I’d like to point out that a Garbage Plate is a Rochester favorite like Tomato Pie, Chicken Riggies and Half Moons are to people in Utica.

Since Garbage Plates originated in Rochester, I knew Tavino would do a great job with it. This was the most exciting experience for me because I had never tried one before.

Here’s my review: The Garbage Plate This enormous combination of food was quite filling and quite delicious. Tavino’s homemade Garbage Plate consisted of macaroni salad, home fries, two cheeseburgers, a meat hot sauce, mustard, ketchup and onions.

When I first saw the amount of food Tavino gave me in this large aluminum pan, I will admit I was a little intimidated by it. After taking the first bite, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop until it was finished. That first bite of cheeseburger, home fries and macaroni salad all in one made my fork difficult to put down.

The

only

non

enjoyable

A “Garbage Plate” made by Rochester native and UticaTV Station Manager Francis Tavino. /Photo: Matthew Breault part for me was the little bits of onions, but I dealt with it because everything else was incredible.

The macaroni salad combined with the meat hot sauce, perfectly cooked cheeseburger and home fries was something truly remarkable. I always like to try new wacky things on my burgers, and adding macaroni salad, meat hot sauce and home fries is definitely up there in terms of my favorite wacky food combinations.

The different textures of each food was probably the best part of the experience.

The softness of the macaroni salad, the crunchiest of the homefries and the creaminess of the sauces made for an interesting, yet excellent combination.

The taste of these very different foods mixed into one is something I strongly recommend trying if you have never had a Garbage Plate before. I was lucky enough to have a buddy from Rochester, so if you can find someone from Rochester to make them for you, or go to Rochester yourself, it is well worth it.

Overall Nutrition Intake Unfortunately

for

this

challenge, I cannot provide any nutritional information.

However, Tavino and myself came to the agreement that it was at least 2,000 calories and was definitely not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.

EIC Eats will be a biweekly part of The Tangerine, where Editor-in-Chief Matthew Breault will do some sort of food challenge either alone or with fellow staff members.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my food habits with you and you will hear/read from me soon. If you have any recommendations, please feel free to let me know.

PAGE 8

SPORTS

FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

UTICATANGERINE.COM

Q&A with men’s basketball senior Chris Green MARQUEZ LOTTDOUGLASS STAFF WRITER ◊

Q: After having your season canceled in 2020 and not really knowing what’s next, what were your thoughts?

A: I mean, what do you do when you train super hard and put all you got into something and it gets striped away?

I spent nights and nights chasing the thought of having our season and being able to hoop again. The hard part about it all was not knowing if I would be able to play this year or have to put my life on hold to finish my college career.

For sometime, I was thinking what difference was it making going to the gym and working out. Like, I didn’t stop doing it and actually might’ve worked harder, but it was tough some days to see the light. I felt as if we can try and come back to school and try to make school work and regular everyday life work. Why not let us try basketball? Nevertheless, I just stayed patient and ready and eventually, we were blessed to have a season.

the next guys coming behind us.

Q: How did it feel to get so close to your goal of a championship and just fall a little short?

A: I’ve learned in life that you have to learn how to win and also how to lose, but with both of them, learn how to bounce back and get ready for what comes next. I left every last bit I had on the floor and that’s just something I promised myself I would always do. We played a few good teams and in life and in sports, some days just aren’t yours. We were down a key contributor and senior leader in Kobe [Lufkin], which in those games, he’s shown he is made for it. It hurt to get right where we said we would be and fall short, but it set a fire under me to work even harder and be even more ready for when I step on the court again.

Q: You have another year, do you plan on using it?

A: I plan on working hard and seeing what God has in store for me next.

Utica University basketball player Chris Green dribbles up the court against Nazareth College. /Photo: Kayleigh Sturtevant

Q: What were your expectations coming into the season after winning the Empire 8 Championship the season before?

A: We need another. That was the mindset in the locker room from day one. Last year’s championship was cool, but we need another.

We fully understood that every team wanted our heads on a stake and that each game we played would be very tough. Personally, I took the whole summer working and perfecting my craft just wanting to do bigger and better things not just for myself, but for my team. As I would talk to my teammates during the summer, it looked as if we all were on the same page and understood what our goal was. We expected to host and win the championship in our building in front of our fans, while also setting the stage for

Utica University’s Chris Green gets ready to drive to the basket. /Photo: Kayleigh Sturtevant

SATIRE

PAGE 9 FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

THE CLEMENLIME

Mr. Fishy Pulitzer Overthrows EIC, Establishes Dictatorship ◊ MR. FISHY PULITZER EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

seven days a week, but would only feed him every other day.

Mr. Fishy Pulitzer has overthrown The Clemenlime’s Editor-in-Chief, according to sources coming directly from Mr. Fishy Pulitzer himself.

“I remember just staring at them through my glass while the former Editor-in-Chief would act like a Moomer (cow) and consume a ton of food for challenges that nobody challenged him to do,” Pulitzer said once again to himself since he is literally the author of this piece. “Although these Top Fin Pro Series Betta Crumbles slap harder than Will Smith at the Oscars which nobody knew was on t.v. until that happened, I still want to try some other food.”

Pulitzer, who has been with the staff since Sept. 15, 2021, said it wasn’t difficult to take over leadership of The Clemenlime. What’s more surprising is that he is a fish that can talk and nobody seems to react to that.

“After watching the members of The Clemenlime every day for the past six months, I’ve come to realize that overthrowing them would be easier than swimming,” Pulitzer said to himself as he wrote this article. “My Fish Communication and Media major and Betta Fish/Siamese Fighting Fish concentration has allowed me to understand that humans are easily manipulated. All you have to do is swim really fast around the tank and you have

Pulitzer will remain Editorin-Chief of The Clemenlime for as long as he wants. He hopes that he can talk to President Bryonna Brownie about possibly continuing the publication of The Clemenlime for long after he is gone.

Newly established Clemenlime logo. /Photo: Mr. Fishy Pulitzer

their attention” Pulitzer also added that he really started to think about

overthrowing The Clemenlime when the staff would bring fast food into the office

For more news regarding Utica University’s satire new source The Clemenlime, just turn the page.

Students Who Say “UC” Instead Of “UU” Will Be Suspended ◊ BRYONNA BROWNIE UU PRESIDENT

want to call us is acceptable, as long as you don’t call us ‘UC’ ever again.”

Students at Utica University who say “UC” instead of “UU” will be suspended immediately, according to high ranking officials at the UU. After ditching Utica College midway through the semester, Utica University is doing everything they can to make it look like Utica College (UC) never existed.

This includes having sales at the bookstore on all UC merchandise, removing all mousepads, technology equipment and any other inanimate object that says “Utica College,” banning all UU ice hockey fans from the Aud who chant during games and even cutting holes in all sports jerseys that say “UC” on them.

According to senior Tommy

Hoffmen, who claims to be the greatest ice hockey player in UU history, said he was suspended from the team, kicked out of the Pioneer Hall of Fame and banned from the Aud because he misspoke.

“Some little child asked for my autograph during the third period at my most recent game and I told them it was an honor playing for ‘UC’ during my prime, which is right now” Hoffmen said. “Next thing I know, Campus Safety ran onto the ice, and began dragging me out of the Aud while wearing uniforms and hats that say

Utica College. I have never been so confused in my life.”

Utica University Vice President Willie Williamson was caught saying “UC,” instead of “UU,” but will not be suspended because he donated money for the new parking lot that should be placed in the open area between the new track and parking lot A. “Although we don’t want to create traditions by forcing people to say ‘UU,’ we actually do,” Williamson said. “‘UU,’ the ‘Dirty U,’ ‘Utica,’ whatever you

In order to prevent a campus suspension, Williamson donated more money to the UU, this time, to hire people to remove whatever junk is in parking lot A that is preventing students from having an extra area to park.

From now on, Utica College is now the UU whether people like it or not. This change has come with difficult repercussions, as the majority of students have been suspended because they don’t want to go to their 6:30 p.m. Wednesday night classes.

“With that being said, LET’S GO UU,” said every student who doesn’t want to be suspended. “UU MOOSE. UU PIONEERS. U NAME IT, WE ARE HERE FOR U UU.”

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PAGE 10 FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022

THE CLEMENLIME

Daily Health Screenings Replaced With Wordle Game “I MISSED MY MIDTERM IN IDYLLIC MYTHOLOGY BECAUSE I COULDN’T GUESS ‘NYMPH.’ WHY WOULD THEY PICK A WORD WITH NO VOWELS? WHAT EVEN IS A NYMPH?”

◊ DRAKE WARDLE “NEWS” EDITOR

Utica University has announced that the viral sensation game known as Wordle will replace the daily health screenings for the remainder of the semester, despite student, faculty and staff backlash.

According to an email sent out by President Bryonna Brownie, the school really doesn’t care if people gain access to the buildings on campus, as long as they continue to pay their tuition bills on time.

“After discussing the newly put in place health screening in a room full of mirrors, me, myself, and I have decided that the Wordle game is the best possible solution for students and staff to gain access to campus,” Brownie said. “There are bigger things to worry about than getting on campus… and that is actually paying your tuition bills when you’re supposed to. If the students, faculty or staff can’t get the word correct, maybe it’s a sign that they shouldn’t be on campus.”

The Clemenlime conducted a survey to see how students, faculty and staff felt about the new Wordle health screening. To our surprise, over 4,500 responses came flooding in almost like everyone at Utica University actually knew that we have a school newspaper.

In the poll that every member of the Utica University community responded to, just

Professor Harmonia Thebes, a member of the staffulty who teaches Idyllic Mythology at Utica University said that she thinks the Wordle game can be spiritual for some, but corporeal to others.

Screenshot of Wordle health screening from April 1. /Photo: Chick McQueen

over 99.8% said that this was not a good idea. However, some still think it’s a good idea.

Eddie Rainden, a computer science major at Utica University, was one of the few who responded “yes” that was willing to talk with The Clemenlime without requesting anonymity. Rainden said this is the best case scenario for anyone who knows anything about something.

“I have never wanted to come to campus until they made Wordle the health screening,” Rainden said. “I’ve had COVID for two weeks now, but I can be maskless and spread it across campus just because I know how to hack the system. I’ve gotten the word right on the first try every time, mainly because all

the answers are on Quizlet.”

Despite only a very small number of people actually thinking this was a good idea, some students are livid because of the newly implemented screening.

Montgomery Hicks, who is a five-time All-American and star athlete of Utica University’s nine-time NCAA Championship Underwater Stock Car Racing team, said that his grades have started to tank faster than someone who is really fast who is on Coca Coke.

“I am literally the best athlete this school has ever seen and I’m about to be academically ineligible because of a stupid game,” Hicks said.

“Sometimes, the power of the mind is something so powerful, that it can be powerful when power needs to be full,” Thebes said.” Wordle health screenings are something that can bring the ow to the power, and the power to the spirit of the mind. In other words, I don’t care what they do as long as Brownie stops telling me to go on sabbatical because of the power of the sun in the palm of my hand.”

After talking to just three people about the new Wordle health screening on campus, The Clemenlime believes that Toto agrees with your feeling that we’re not in Kansas anymore.

For more information regarding this news, check out our website www.IAmSuprisedThatYou ActuallyReadThroughThis EntireArticleAllTheWay Through.com

The

CLEMENLIME

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PAGE 11 FRIDAY, APRIL 01, 2022 SYRACUSE FROM PG. 12 He was excited because there were certain sports teams that UU/UC had that SU did not have.

“Although I feel bad for Brownie, I also don’t because now the ACC and SU have new sports teams that will likely win championships,” Windchill said.

“Utica’s Underwater Stock Car Racing team, Ice Hockey, UNICORNS FROM PG. 12 He also noted that he will not be leaving the campus anytime soon.

“My dearest herd, I write to you in sadness as I, Trax the Moose, will no longer represent Utica University as the mascot for the newly named UU,” Trax said. “U and I know UU is

Baseball, Tennis, Softball, Swim & Dive and Water Polo are all teams we don’t have at SU. Now, we do, and I am super excited.”

After anticipating degrees that would say Utica University, students will now receive degrees that read “Utica College of Syracuse University,” like people over 15 years ago. In efforts to make more money, Utica College meant to be and U know I know that U know that I will accept this change, even if it hurts me and my antlers. Thank U, UU, for being U, and thank U, Utica University campus, for allowing me to stay and reside in the SLCE office as my forever home.”

Both UU Athletic Director Buster Brooks and UU Sports

of Syracuse University has decided that alumni of the school can purchase diplomas that say either “Utica University” or “Utica College” for just $99.

“We know people loved when we were independent, so we decided to do a sale on our diplomas that read either ‘Utica University’ or ‘Utica College,’” VP Willie Williamson said. “This is most definitely Information Director Juniper Jabberwock said they are both undoubtedly excited for this change, since they can finally represent something that makes sense.

“This was the best idea I think we have ever had at the UU, and I believe making Uta Unicorn orange and blue will make a little more sense than

THE CLEMENLIME a sale because instead of the original $100 we were charging, we are now charging $99 in efforts that more than 75 people buy this.”

It is unknown how long Syracuse University will have ownership over Utica University/Utica College, but be certain that members of The Clemenlime will be the first to break the news if something happens. having a moose as our mascot,” Brooks said. “I can’t wait to have the best mascot in the Empire 8, the UCHC and the CWPA,” Jabberwock added.

The Utica University Unicorns’ unknowing universal uncut impact uniquely and ultracarefully unites ubiquitousness under ufology and understanding.

The Clemenlime is looking for skilled writers and journalists to join our totally legit, real “news” team!

For more information, please contact Mr. Fishy Pulitzer, Editor-in-Chief.

He’s usually busy with his Fish Communications and Media classes, however, he will look over your resume as soon as possible.

For expedited reviews of your resume, please include PetSmart gift cards, fish food and new tank decor with your application.

SPORTS| PG.9

FEATURES | PG. 10

NEWS | PG. 12

Students Who Say UC Will Be Suspenced

Daily Health Screenings Replaced With Wordle

SU Regains Ownership

The

CLEMENLIME A TOTALLY LEGIT, REAL “NEWS” PUBLICATION ;-)

SU Regains Ownership: UU->UC->UCOSU “I was just sitting in my office and all of a sudden Otto the Orange came with a lasso and started chasing Trax,” Brownie said. “After I snapped the photo for evidence, Otto the Orange looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘You better lawyer up butthole, cause I’m not coming back for 30%, I’m coming back for everything.’

I thought I recognized what Otto said from some movie, but after searching Facebook, I still couldn’t find it.”

After 27 years of functioning with an independent charter and 16 years of being fully independent from Syracuse University, Utica University has failed to meet its university requirement and has returned to not only Utica College, but ownership has been returned to Syracuse University as well.

was not a part of Syracuse University since 2008.

◊ NANNY CONTOUR VICE PRESIDENT AT SU

Since the middle of February during the Spring 2022 semester, Utica University, now Utica College of Syracuse University (again) has been functioning under the distinction of University.

Unfortunately for UU/UC/ UCOSU, they could not maintain the levels of being regarded as a university in New York State.

Otto the Orange captures Trax the Moose as part of the Syracuse University takeover. /Photo: President Bryonna Brownie According to President Bryonna Brownie, this takeover caught the entire Utica community off guard, almost

as much as the news of the school rebranding in the middle semester did to everyone who didn’t know that the school

Syracuse University President Alex Windchill said he didn’t really feel bad that himself and SU regained ownership of Utica University/Utica College.

SEE SYRACUSE PG. 11

Utica Pioneers Rebrand To Utica Unicorns To Embark On “UU” Tradition ◊ UNI UNICORN UU MASCOT

actually makes sense.

After 18 years of having Trax the Moose as the mascot for Utica athletics and being known as the “Pioneers” for a very long time, Utica University has rebranded to the Utica Unicorns to fit the “UU” tradition.

This news comes just weeks after Utica University had to rebrand from Utica College.

According to an email sent to the entire Utica University campus from the Office of President Bryonna Brownie, Utica University has decided to finally have a mascot that

“After having a long and boring Zoom meeting with VP Willie Williamson, Athletic Director Buster Brooks and Sports Information Director Juniper Jabberwock, we have decided that it’s time to ditch Trax and get back on track with a name that makes sense,” Brownie said. “Unicorns will represent how magical the UU really is and how everyone’s hopes and dreams are reborn here. Also, we honestly couldn’t think of any animals that started with a ‘U,’ so this will do for UU.” All students on campus have accepted the rebrand with

“I am totally happy for this change and I love Unicorns,” said Ulysses Ukase, President of Utica University Unicorns Unite (UUUU).

“Unicorns actually makes sense unlike Pioneers and Moose. What even is a Pioneer? What even is a Moose? I have never seen either before and I know they don’t go together.”

Uni the Unicorn. /Photo: Trax the Moose open arms, as Utica University gave them no other options.

Any member of the campus community would be barred from the campus if they did not accept Utica Unicorns.

In his last day as mascot, Trax the Moose released a statement that touched many of the hearts around Utica University. In his message, Trax said he was happy to be the mascot for as long as a real moose’s lifespan is.

SEE UNICORNS PG. 11