Volume 61 Issue 22

APRIL FOOLS’ EDITION FOR THE WEEK OF TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

E M D A E R

Highlander

Volume 161

University

of

California, Riverside

Issue 22

Serving the UCR community since 1954

Commemorative

FINAL ISSUE

Print edition

STATE DEFUNDS UC

UCR ranked safest campus in the galaxy A r o o b a C h a u d h ry III CONTRIBUTING WRITER

G o v e r n o r J e r r y B ro w n b u r n s a d o l l a r b i l l t o re p re s e n t h i s w i t h d r a w a l o f t h e l a s t d o l l a r f ro m t h e U C s y s t e m .

C a r r i e M e n g III STAFF WRITER

Governor Jerry Brown has signed Assembly Bill 007, which eliminates all forms of state funding to the UC system.

During a celebratory speech made at the UCR Bing Center, Governor Brown withdrew the final dollar from the university coffers, with hopes of ensuring a “feasible” academic agenda

for the now-privatized UC system.

“This law will shift the funding we need for this state into other areas of interest,” he said.

Brown noted that the UC will be able to sustain itself through private funds. “The UC system no longer needs the state’s support, it is practically its own private entity now.”

Due to the lack of state fund-

ing, the UCR administration terminated the Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences Liberal Education (HASSLE) to direct resources to career-oriented majors that receive the most scholarships and private donations, such as engineering and biology.

The implications of the law include the annual tuition increase to $500,000, up from

W e s l e y N g /HIGHLANDER

$350,000 for the current 21132114 academic year. The university will also have to rely on private donations and effectively eliminate all state financial aid packages such as Cal Grants.

“The privatization of the university system seeks to regulate the fluctuating stream of state DEFUND CONT’D ON PAGE 3

CNAS dome to replace decrepit Watkins Hall S a n dy V a n

SENIOR STAFF WRITER

A jet-fueled bulldozer is set to demolish Watkins Hall next week, as students will be forced to evacuate the last-standing building for the Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences Liberal Education (HASSLE) department. Funded by a $54 million grant from private donors, the university will construct another structure on behalf of the College of Natural and Agricultural Sciences (CNAS) for the purpose of storing lab equipment and scientific instruments.

“UCR aims to alleviate the struggles of our striving undergraduate students, by offering them more accessibility to classrooms in the areas of practical academia,” said UCR Chancellor Xavier Genesis in his weekly friday letter. He expressed that the storage area will make room for expanded lecture halls in other science buildings.

The construction project co-

A celebratory ceremony was held in the Bing Center March 30, where both students and guest speakers alike donned campus safety escort attire— consisting of yellow shirts and maglites—signifying a centennial of reduced criminal activity.

UCR honored the recommendations made by the Task Force on Campus Safety in 2013, which is attributed to the campus being ranked as the safest in the galaxy, according to U.S. News and Galaxy Report.

Chancellor Xavier Genesis lauded the student body for maintaining a united campus spirit by wearing yellow shirts.

“Not only has wearing yellow shirts scared off predators, but the maglite has shown criminals that they don’t stand a chance against UCR!” said Chancellor Genesis.

The 2013 Task Force on Campus Safety recommended that the UCR administration increase the number of student escorts from 300 to 1,000. Members also encouraged students to wear more yellow shirts and hold maglites, in order to reduce criminal activESCORT CONT’D ON PAGE 4

INSIDE: Editorial: The importance of the humanities in a world that wants to go without them.

OPINIONS

PAGE 8

UCR Around the Galaxy: UCR microbiology major is selected as the first student to ever travel abroad to Mars.

PAGE 19

FEATURES

Holographic Coldplay performs a “concert” in the basement of Watkins.

CULTURE W e s l e y N g /HIGHLANDER A n a r t i s t ’s re n d e r i n g o f t h e C N A S d o m e , w h i c h w i l l b e l o c a t e d n e x t t o S p ro u l H a l l .

incides with the elimination of HASSLE after years of insufficient funding from UCR administration. Housed in Watkins Hall, the department is formerly known as the College of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences (CHASS).

The newly-built science building will be named after

former Chancellor Delfina Leocadia Robles, the UCR professor emeritus of entomology who discovered the vaccine for malaria back in 2030. Robles’ contributions set UCR on a greater path to prominence by pushing the university to pursue a more practical agenda through careeroriented academics in 2045,

with an emphasis on CNAS, BCOE and SoBA. Through the elimination of HASSLE, campus administrators weeded out the seemingly less profitable majors, according to Genesis.

Watkins Hall has been neCNAS CONT’D ON PAGE 3

PAGE 23

Jack Nicholson set to buy Bing Center basketball season tickets.

SPORTS

PAGE 28

UPCOMING EVENTS

PAGE 2

STAFF

PAGE 8

PLEASE RECYCLE AFTER READING

2

NEWS

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

HIGHLANDER

New technolog y unshreds long-lost ASUCR votes Secret ballots finally made public after century-long battle for transparency.

C hris L oC ascio IV SE N IOR STA F F W R I T E R

Exactly 100 years following the controversial secret ballot votes on five pieces of legislation, ASUCR has finally released each senator’s votes.

Thanks to the newly-developed Fellowes Unshredder, the destroyed paper ballots were able to be recovered and shared with the campus community.

The shredded ballots were discovered when third-year engineering student Melissa Weymouth was called into the ASUCR office in the HUB 2.0 to repair a cleaning bot. As she worked on the machine, she discovered the bot had retrieved a garbage bag full of aged shreds of paper.

“I hadn’t seen paper in a very, very long time, so I figured I’d give BCOE’s new Unshredder a whirl and see what I’d find,” said Weymouth.

It turns out the garbage bag had been left in a desk drawer, undiscovered until the bot did its extensive spring cleaning of the

office.

“It’s great that these votes are finally out into the public, but it’s 100 years too late,” said student Philip Cooksey. “My great-greatgrandmother would have loved to have known how the senators voted before the 2013 spring elections. She couldn’t make an informed decision, so she didn’t vote at all. No one did.”

Because of the lack of adequate information on senators’ voting history, and an all-time low approval rating, voter turnout for the spring 2013 elections suffered.

As a result, ASUCR failed to reach the necessary 20 percent of student population voting to validate their elections.

The student government held several subsequent elections, offering bigger and bigger incentives for getting out the vote, at one point even holding a raffle for an all-expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas. The Senate Chambers sat empty for months before they reached the minimum level of participation to establish a government.

“Students figured, for a while at least, that having no senate was just as good or better than having a senate that wasn’t honest with them,” said Political Science Professor Kathryn Llanos.

Although the senate was finally

able to convene in the chambers and form a government, no incumbents were reelected. The aftermath of the destroyed ballots seemingly doomed their chances of regaining their seats.

A new version of the ASUCR Constitution was quickly passed by the senate, which voluntarily made the guidelines compliant with the Brown Act—California’s government transparency law.

Ever since, voter turnout has swelled to nearly 70 percent, with even higher participation predicted for next week’s elections.

ASUCR isn’t the only government to have been graced by the Unshredder. Even the United States federal government has put the new product to use.

Despite the eradication of paper products in 2060, many important historical documents remain unavailable digitally because they had been previously destroyed.

The Unshredder has already allowed historians to retrieve valuable information regarding government cover-ups, most notably during the presidency of John F. Kennedy. The longrumored involvement of the CIA and Cuba in the assassination of the 35th President of the United States was confirmed last month T r av i s H o n g /H i g h l a n d e r in news that rocked the whole BCOE’s new Fellowes Unshredder was used to recover ASUCR country. senate votes from a controversial secret ballot in spring 2013.

, t s a p

Photo of the Week

April

e2 h t f o m o s r r e f d t n n a e l d h I u g . i t d 3 s H a e e d c day n s e i i e S c m S S i A a t H n m C n i . i I' 4 3 k e v c e 2 a i b r l l a e r a e e b i y p c I o s the this pa g d n n i a n 5 s r t e a n i e t w s e i r n o a f as a rts, hum 6 a . the s e c n Qiuotebook e . e c i s d 7 m e h t “I can do whatever Iewant. t l I curedD malaria. on't” 8 DELFINA LEOCADIA ROBLES, FORMER UCR CHANCELLOR -X

11

Wesley Ng

PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

Third year running back Dominic Robinson (#28) jets toward the end zone for a touchdown.

Upcoming Events

Tuesday

Wednes

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Chancellor Research Fellowship I-Doser Workshop Surge 367 5:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

“Pencils and Dreams: Working in Tanzania” UCR Extension 1:30 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

Sister Saliva: The Next Centennial Highlander Union Building 302 7:00 p.m. - 9:30 p.m.

The Technology and Science of Consciousness Highlander Union Building 269 noon - 1:00 p.m.

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REPO the body of science UCR Barbara and Art Culver Center of the Arts 7:30 p.m.

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12th Annual Cesar E. Chavez 5K Run/Walk Floating Bell Tower 1:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

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Botanic Gardens 39th Annual Spring Plant Sale Radioactive Botanical Gardens 9:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.

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NEWS

HIGHLANDER

W e s l e y N g /HIGHLANDER A UCPD flashcopter teleports to campus in order to rescue students injured in the Watkins Hall classroom collapse.

CNAS FROM PAGE 1

-glected since 2054, when a classroom collapsed, leaving 30 students trapped under the rubble for two days. Tipped DEFUND FROM PAGE 1

funding, which has led to bottleneck enrollment and limited student resources,” said Vice Chancellor of Financial Affairs Ethan Coil. “No longer can the university afford to provide all students with a high quality education, amidst times of increasing state cuts.” Back in 2091, UCR’s tuition reached record high levels of $100,000, matching the likes of Harvard and other Ivy League schools.

Founded in the 20th century, the College of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences was once known as the most diverse college in the university. The college was condensed into a single universitydirected department called HASSLE in 2082. Due to continual disinvestment and lack of interest, the UCR administration consolidated the college in Watkins Hall in 2083.

The building is scheduled to be demolished next week.

“Nearly 90 percent of all undergraduates support the removal of the department from the university,” according to a recent study by the Floating Globe of Public Policy Journal—a collection of academic surveys that specializes in collecting undergraduate opinions on campus.

Existing college demographics reveal a breakdown of student majors as 34 percent School of Business Administration (SoBA), 31 percent College of Natural and Agricultural Sciences (CNAS), 25 percent Bourns College of Engineering (BCOE) and 2 percent HASSLE in an undergraduate population of 100,000 in 2113.

“This is outrageous and completely unfair on so many levels,” said Yo Louis, a fourthyear anthropology major. “I can’t believe UCR chose to eliminate this department of all departments... We contribute so much to society.”

On the other hand, Bill Bufferman, a third-year computer science major, believes the law benefits the UC system. “We no longer have to rely on inconsistent state funding,” he said. “Private donations and tuition are much more stable.”

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off by nearby students, UCPD flashcopters quickly teleported to the scene and rescued the wounded students.

“We were hosting a writer’s workshop when the roof suddenly

caved in on us. Some of us got injured, but we were lucky to get out alive,” said fourth-year english major Damien Jazz in the university’s digital archives.

He was one of the 30 students

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113 who was given immediate compensation by the university to cover all medical bills and resolve any emotional grievances.

Officials report that the cause of the collapse resulted from decades of poor maintenance.

In response, the university administration vowed to rebuild Watkins Hall, yet no action was ever taken.

Growing discontent among colleges finally boiled over during the controversial selection of a career-oriented UCR chancellor, which became the impetus for the lawsuits filed by then-CHASS students later that year. They claimed that the university administration discriminated against candidates in the humanities, arts and social sciences by offering them little representation in funding at the systemwide and state levels.

The effects of volatile state funding also proved especially injurious to the college, through the “Spring Cleaning of ‘71,” where many humanities and arts programs were abolished as a

3

cost-saving measure made by university officials. The dance history program was the first to be removed, despite it being the first Ph.D program of its kind in the university system. Many majors in the areas of social sciences were fully incorporated into other colleges, such as statistics into CNAS. The evacuation of all HASSLE majors resulted from decades of irreconcilable differences over the limited allocation of academic and financial resources between majors that were perceived as less profitable.

With reduced classroom space and limited resources, the UCR administration plans to shut down the department next week.

“I’m glad that there’ll be more classroom space for the sciences, but what about the arts? The humanities? It’s hard to believe that a department that’s been around for hundreds of years is about to come to an end,” said John Nicashe, first-year double major in robotic linguistics and electrical engineering.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

NEWS

HIGHLANDER ESCORT FROM PAGE 1

W e s l e y N g /HIGHLANDER I n c re a s e s i n s t u d e n t s w e a r i n g y e l l o w s h i r t s a n d w i e l d i n g m a g l i t e s re s u l t e d i n s i g n i f i c a n t d ro p s i n c a m p u s a n d R i v e r s i d e c r i m e r a t e s .

ity. Crooks and thieves were statistically less likely to attack a student, based on the yellow uniforms worn by the Campus Safety Escort Service (CSES)—a free campus escort program, where student volunteers may walk you from one destination to another.

From 2015-2020 crime rates at UC Riverside and the city of Riverside overall dropped by about 30 percent due to the recommendations made by the Task Force. By 2040, crime was less than 60 percent of what it was before and by 2070, there were very few, if any, cases of crimes.

After many successes with the use of flashlights, UCR’s motto will be changed to “Let there be maglites,” in 2113.

Riverside Mayor Gamma Ray also attended the ceremony and stated that he plans to enact future policies for all police officers in Riverside County to wear bright yellow police uniforms. More city funds will be put towards improving maglite technology rather than buying ineffective weapons like guns. “Many other schools have tried to implement police robots, security cyborgs, etc. But no change could compare to our foolproof system. I will be working with the UC system to implement yellow shirts and maglites at every UC,” claimed Mayor Ray. A speech was also made

by Zena Beta, a representative of the Riverside chapter of the Inter-Galactic Safety Squad. He awarded UCR for its success in campus safety with a trophy in the shape of a maglite. UCR was draped in yellow as far the eye can see and when the speeches ended, the students all partook in the legendary maglite fist pump.

“The ceremony was nebular. It was so heartfelt and I couldn’t be prouder of the recommendations made in 2013 and the huge impact that they have had,” said Beta.

Due to the sharp drop in crime, UCPD deemed police patrols no longer necessary and even residence halls are no longer overseen by residential advisors. Students can walk out of apartments and residence halls without the fear of being robbed.

In a student poll taken in year 2013, 80% of students said they would not leave class without taking at least one escort. Now in 2113, that percentage has gone down to 15%. “As long as student escorts are patrolling around the school with their yellow shirts, I know I’m safe. I only use an escort if there aren’t many yellow-shirted people around me late at night,” said first-year time theory major Snark Tobaum. Students now have 1,000 escorts regularly patrolling the campus that are readily available for them.

Dispatcher phones are also on standby for any that need them.

■

AreRESTAURANT you interested in joining REVIEW: the Highlander Family?

H NEW ERA I

Apply for a position on the 2013-14 Highlander f you have ever been down University Avenue The clinking ofBoard people using their silverware against Editorial and Staff! you may have noticed a boarded up brown build- their plate was heard throughout my whole visit.

ing in between the Dynamite Café and Solar Panel Movie Theater. Recently, a respected ageold establishment bought this sad depleted building.

Starbucks Incorporated has bought the building as a part of its attempts to take us back to the “good old days,” the days where people waited on customers and customers had to physically hold a paper menu in their hands to see what they wanted to order. The new restaurant is called New Era, which is what 2013 was called after having survived the apocalypse scare of 2012.

When first stepping into New Era, the hanging chandeliers with actual electric bulbs might catch you off guard. In the 2010s, electricity was still the main source of power. Imagine that! The first thing you see on the walls are abstract paintings of the food served at New Era. For those that don’t know, abstract paintings may look like just splatters of acrylic paint, but they were meant to extract emotion from the viewer. A far cry from our beloved geometrical paintings designed purely by computerized robots, these were actually designed by human hands. Our hostess was a teenage girl wearing skin tight jeans, a sweater with a cat on it and black boots. She was also wearing black framed glasses with no glass. She was dressed as what you would call a “hipster” back in the day. Reservations made from any electronic device are not accepted here, seeing as back then one just simply had to show up and expect a possibility of a waiting time.

Once seated, the hostess handed me a laminated paper menu that I had to flip through page by page.

No touch screen menus here. I wondered if the avocado bacon cheeseburger would be good but unfortunately there were no buttons to make samples appear at the table. Instead, I had to decipher based on pictures of the dishes with descriptions next to them.

I decided to take a risk and order it.

While I waited for my food, I examined the rest of the restaurant. There were paper napkins on every table. The 2010s were just the beginning on an eco-friendly world. As for eating utensils, silver knives and forks could also be seen on every table.

Back then, these dishes would be put to wash, one by one, in a dishwasher machine by people. Labor was all people and more physical. Reliance on machines wasn’t as heavy as it is nowadays. I heard old music by artists I’ve never listened to before as the musical lyrics “Baby, baby, baby” were repeated over and over again. The catchy lyrics and beats were easy to follow and added to the experience while I was there.

My avocado bacon cheeseburger finally arrived, brought by a guy wearing jeans, a fitted shirt and suspenders. I tried not to laugh as he placed my food in front of me. He was so chatty and warm which I found surprising. Human interaction was really important back then, so keep that in mind. My burger came with a side of French fries which were very common back then, due to their low price. The burger consisted of two slices of bread with a slice of meat, lettuce and tomato in between. Ketchup, or tomato paste, and a yellow mustard sauce were smeared in between. Two bacon strips were also inside the burger. Bacon is a type of pork made of the fatty part of the pig. It’s also the greasiest and slimiest.

Upon my first bite, the mushiness of the meat patty mixed well with the lettuce and tomato and surprisingly created a tasty flavor. I decided to try a French fry next. As soon as I took the first bite, I could taste the salt particles and the starchiness of the potatoes. I swore my arteries were clogging up.

How did people eat this food back then? It was so high in sodium and fat, yet so tasty. I’ll never understand.

After I devoured my burger and fries, I ordered a dessert. I decided to try their homemade apple pie.

It was made with real apples and baked in their very own kitchen with real sugar and everything. It was very rich in sugar but after the first warm bite, I’m sure anyone can be won over.

New Era is a new restaurant on University Avenue that is a flashback to a time when none of us were alive, yet its history will forever remain along with the food and culture despite it being so different from our own. Take a chance and try something

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor News Editor Opinions Editor Features Editor Arts & Entertainment Editor Sports Editor Photo Editor Video Editor Assistant Editors Production Manager Production Assistants Graphic Designers Public Relations Director Technology Director Web Editor Receptionist Distribution Manager

Visit http://goo.gl/jKPqQ to apply.

Don’t have experience? Don’t worry! There are plenty of contributing positions available for anyone interested in getting started writing, photographing, designing and more. No need to apply, just visit our weekly Monday general meetings in HUB 101 at 5:15 p.m.

A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITORIAL BOARD...

Dear Highlanders, After decades of disinvestments from the Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences Liberal Education (HASSLE), the Highlander can no longer continue to function alongside an administration that has continued to shun a liberal education.

With the discovery of an old printing press in the basement of the Rivera Library, the Highlander was able to publish this commemorative issue in print form for the first time since 2025. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, we regret to inform you that this is also the last ever issue of the Highlander newspaper.

As we peer into the centennial archives of the Highlander, we reflect on the critical events inspiring our weekly publications since 1954.

In an effort to embrace the technological age, the Highlander stopped its print edition and became permanently digital in 2025. A deadening strike to our newspaper took place in 2055, when the undergraduate student body voted to remove all funding to the Highlander newspaper during a period of unrest commonly referred to as the UCR Civil War. During this time, the campus sought to integrate a more practical and career-oriented agenda, amidst rising differential tuition among majors and limited funding for the College of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences (CHASS).

Wounding the livelihood of a liberal education, Watkins Hall has become collateral damage in an ongoing political war between colleges for academic resources, student services and classroom space.

The technological divide within the university has proven beneficial by increasing student involvement, along with supporting a more practical and career-oriented agenda. It was detrimental to a fault, however, because students are subjected to limited cultural exposure, historical insight, communal discourse and debate. Many students undergo technological selfisolation, resulting from inventions such as the dorm pill and I-Doser.

At the same time, the rise to prominence for UCR is greatly attributed to discoveries made by our researchers, who discovered a vaccine for malaria in 2030. The athletics department has also made enormous strides in improving our baseball team now led by Troy Percival III, along with our Quidditch team which won a national championship in 2032.

Despite the university’s overall achievements in career-oriented research, the newspaper could not continue to survive continual defunding from the student body. Compared to the dorm pill, departing is a bitter pill to swallow. Yet, the Highlander must also take its leave.

Sincerely, The Highlander Editorial Board

NEWS

HIGHLANDER

NEWS IN BRIEF COMPILED BY CHRISTYNA POURHABIB,

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

7

contributing writer

STUDENTS CAMP OUTSIDE OF STUDENT SERVICES BUILDING Thousands of students have set up tents around the Student Services Building in hopes of gaining further financial assistance for paying off their high tuition fees. With lines wrapping around the Highlander Union Building (HUB), many students have embraced the week-long delays, despite facing heat exhaustion and encroaching line-cutters.

“These costs are truly outrageous and we as a community at UCR must seek out ways to lower tuition costs, but also clear out the growing number of students camping in front of our Student Services Building,” states English Professor Dr. John Brackelberry. His classroom is located in Watkins Hall, where he often saw rows of tents from across the field.

UCR is known as one of the most prestigious institutions in the universe, yet its annual tuition rates have doubled from $175,000 to $350,000 since 2110, and they are

expected to reach $500,000 this year. Students from the Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences Liberal Education (HASSLE) often receive less financial aid due to limited resources and reduced access to select majors classes.

The camping has also led to an increase in mini-robot fighting between students waiting in line. Victors are given one spot ahead in line, while losers must go to the back.

This type of combat fighting is legal in 24 states, including California, Hawaii and Nevada.

“My mini-robot short-circuited the other day, so I haven’t been able to move up in line,” said first-year ethnic studies major Jim Brady. “But overall, I think the lines have become a highly publicized and prized feature on our campus.”

Student tents may now be found on Google Intergalactic Earth.

C o u rt e s y

of

UCR N e w s r o o m

UCR’s skyrocketing tuition forces students to tent outside of the Student Services Building in hopes of receiving much-needed financial assistance.

HOVERBOARD THEFT ON THE RISE

WEDNESDAYS @ 9AM

KUCR RADIO 88.3

HIGHLANDER NEWSROOM

In reaction to the recent spree of hoverboard theft outside residence halls, the UCR administration has established undergraduate grants for innovative technologies geared toward improving campus safety. “This is the worst crime spike in decades, with nearly 350 hoverboards being reported as stolen,” according to UCPD officer John

Travolini.

“The grant aims to encourage intellectual minds to think of creative new solutions to a collective problem,” said George Phomun, vice chancellor of campus safety and sole organizer of the grant. “If students do not feel safe on campus, then action needs to be taken.”

Grant money ranges between $5,000 to

$10,000 and the allocated amount will be determined on a case-to-case basis.

Even with recent efforts to combat rising criminal activity, students such as second-year biology major Khalea Bluepop expressed concerns over campus safety. “I stopped bringing my hoverboard to campus altogether. I’d rather walk to school than sit in my

classes worried if someone is going to cut the lock off my hoverboard and steal it for their own selfish means,” said Bluepop.

Other common hotspots for hoverboard robberies include the Highlander Union Building, Orbach Science Library and Winston Chung Hall.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

. . OPINIONS OPINIONS

HIGHLANDER

H

HIGHLANDER EDITORIAL

ARTS & HUMANITIES: WHY THE FORGOTTEN RELICS ARE STILL IMPORTANT

HIGHLANDER STAFF Key:

Y =Cyborg

A

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Editor-in-Chief

Managing Editor

Chris LoCascio IV

Kevin KeckeisenY managingeditor @highlandernews.org

editorinchief @highlandernews.org

a.k.a Cornelius Frankfurt

News Editor

Sandy Van Y

news@highlandernews.org

Opinions Editor

Colin Markovich VII

opinions@highlandernews.org

Culture Editor

Rebecca Paredes Y

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Features Editor

Michael Rios A

features@highlandernews.org

Sports Editor

Asst. Sports Editor

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Lin Chai III, Kevin Dinh IV, Jinyoung Ko II, Vincent Ta III, An Tran IV, Bryan Tuttle II, Cameron Yong II

W

ell, it was great while it lasted.

This is the final edition of the Highlander. As the University of California, Riverside marches ever onward to secure its place in history as the premier university of the nation, it has become clear that the Highlander is no longer needed by the community we serve. The purpose of the Highlander has been to inform the campus by serving as an outlet for true stories to be told, but all stories have a beginning and an end— and the story of the Highlander has reached its close.

In a physical sense, the story of UCR will continue, even without the Highlander. But it is fair to say that the UCR that once was no longer exists. When Chancellor Xavier Genesis gives his speech next week to commemorate the bulldozing of HASSLE’s final stronghold, Watkins Hall, to make way for the new CNAS Dome, it will mark the final passing of one of UCR’s greatest traditions— its endeavor to achieve excellence in the arts and humanities.

Yes, it may be hard to believe, but UCR has had a storied legacy of achievements in the arts. In 1974, UCR’s arts and humanities programs were ranked fourth in research achievement out of all the universities in the nation. UCR was even known as the Swarthmore of the West. UCR was, for much of the history of the UC, the only college to offer creative writing as a major, and was the first university in the nation to offer a Ph.D program in dance history. UCR counts Pulitzer Prize winners, the Poet Laureate of the United States, the first Latina governor of California and artists whose works hang in the Louvre among its alumni.

This pursuit of knowledge of the humanities and the arts and the social sciences was for good reason. Even if they may not be considered the most profitable or practical majors, they are vital to informing our view of the world we live in. Each is more than just an interesting hobby—they help better society in a great number of ways.

Just as an entomologist can help develop a more effective pesticide, a psychologist can help determine the best way to treat a

I l l u s t r at i o n

schizophrenic patient. A political scientist can help groups plan the most effective course of action to allocate funds for a philanthropic cause just as well as an engineer can use those funds to construct the sturdiest building.

Yet the purpose of the humanities and the arts extends beyond mere utility. And our society, in the blind pursuit of profit and practicality, seems to have forgotten that life is more than a series of interlocking cogs and gears. It is far too complex to be distilled into a blueprint and measured with exact specifications. Humans are too unique and too individual to be reduced to data points on a graph or equations in a math problem.

But that’s okay.

It is these complexities, these intricacies, these differences that the humanities and arts alone can raise. What does it mean to be human? How do we treat others in society?

How do we decide who we want to be and what we want to do? Scientific study alone is insufficient to answer these questions.

Novels, biographies, paintings and sculptures—each allows us to detach ourselves from our small plane of existence and experience the lives of people very different from ourselves. We see the world through the eyes of a single working mother struggling to feed her children as a city decays around her, and empathize with her plight. We hear the cheering adulation of joyous crowds celebrating the emancipation of a city under siege by crime and share the triumph of our human compatriots.

Each of these conveys something universal about the human experience that data aligned on a graph cannot. Through these multifarious experiences, we learn more about ourselves and the way we see the world and interact with others in it. There is a reason stories have been passed down from generation to generation and artworks have been crafted for so long in human history.

They have an inexpressible power that speaks to experiences uniquely our own.

But more importantly, they allow us to peek into the world of others’ experiences and understand a different world than the one we normally inhabit every day. And through that, we gain a deep understanding of what

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others’ lives are like, one that we could not have gained by remaining in our own body and experiencing the world through only our eyes. We as humans do not exist independently of one another. We interact with others every day. And we interact better when we are able to empathize with our kin.

The humanities alone allow us to do this.

With these insights into other peoples’ lives, we become more aware of our actions and can evaluate their impacts on the greater society. Only when we engage in this type of evaluation are we able to achieve a state of thinking that allows us to decide what actions are morally just and which are unjust, something Science alone cannot do. Science does not provide us with the answers to moral questions—the humanities can.

In the midst of first constructing the atomic bomb his theory of relativity helped create, Albert Einstein remarked, “Perfection of means and confusion of goals seem—in my opinion—to characterize our age.”

That could just as easily be said about us in the year 2113. We have devoted our resources to figuring out the most efficient way to generate electricity and how to engineer safe, high-speed transportation systems. But Science doesn’t tell us what to do with the things it has helped us create. And for all the inventions, creations and constructions society has generated, only the humanities can tell us what goals we as a society should strive for.

The last bastion of art and society, HASSLE, will soon be removed from UCR, and it is discouraging to imagine a UCR that does not teach the liberal arts. As society marches onward, and the humanities are swept below the surface of the earth to be discovered by aspiring archaeologists centuries into the future, we must always remember that the arts and humanities have nurtured our society to maturity. Our world is incomplete without it.

Highlander editorials reflect the majority view of the Highlander Editorial Board.

They do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Associated Students of UCR or the University of California system.

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OPINIONS

HIGHLANDER

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

9

Apple’s new iChip has definite downsides for students J o s h ua W a g o n b l a s t STAFF WRITER

A massive panic has erupted recently after the faculty at the University of California, Riverside discovered that students have reached a ten-year low in grade point averages. As fingers begin to be pointed up and down the hierarchy of UCR’s academia, the professors and even the chancellor himself are gearing up to propose a solution.

There have been many arguments over the exact cause of the slowly declining grades ever since UCR lost its spot on the list of the ten most improved schools in the nation just last year. Dr. Robert Blutarsky, a formerly employed professor at Williams College who now wears the Scotty mascot suit suggests, “There is probably a lack of creative freedom present on campus,” although this opinion has been dismissed by most of the faculty.

A large number of professors have instead agreed with UCR’s own Dr. Marjorie O’Connell, who said, “The failure for students to maintain a steady increase in their typically rising GPAs is due to the lack of focus and dedication in the classroom,” reporting that, “students just seemed ‘dazed’ most of the time.”

O’Connell is right that the students lack focus, but this is hardly an issue that has to do with dedication and is actually the fault of the world’s top technology company, Apple.

If you don’t believe me, then you probably don’t own Apple’s iChip, a brain chip that allows for users to text, call, and receive news updates purely by thinking about them.

Unfortunately, the iChip’s malfunctions are behind the poor performance of students.

These problems are detrimental to the education system and require a fix.

The iChip is widespread among students today because of its ubiquity in popular culture and simplicity of use. But a multitude of students and lovers of Apple including President of ASUCR Marko Rubio say they have experienced a decline in the quality of their academic work as a result of the iChip.

In an interview with Rubio, he said, “At first, I wasn’t sure what the problem was. I would just be sitting in class and then—I don’t know—I would just stop thinking. Minutes later the lecture was over and I felt like I had just awoken from a daydream, but with the newest soothing binaural beat from the I-Doser stuck in my head.”

Unfortunately, Rubio is not the only one who has seen a dip in GPA ever since he bought the iChip—a good reason for the new Apple product to not be embraced by more students.

A friend of Rubio’s, Charles Crispin, attests to this fact. “I

A malfunction in the iChip may have caused UCR student Anna Stanislava’s brain to briefly shut down.

know it was the iChip because the day after I waited in line to install it, I froze during my midterm, causing me to mutter to myself the same noise over and over again. It must have been a glitch, or some sort of malfunction,” he said.

Students have realized these literal brain freezes are due to glitches in the iChip network.

UCR students are not the only ones troubled by a recent decline in grades.

Student Martin McGreevey from the nation’s top-ranked Arizona State University said, “My companions have all experienced some problem with the new Apple product.”

Although only recently attributed to failed exams and homework, students have realized these literal brain freezes are due to glitches in the iChip network. If the malfunctions continue, Apple should see larger repercussions, aside from Riverside students protesting the purchase of the product.

In consideration of the

comments from students like McGreevey, it is odd that the glitches were not noticed sooner since there have been numerous dilemmas resulting from these anomalies in Apple’s iChip. This is an issue Apple must address, especially given that Microsoft’s competing product, the Stream, has not experienced any major problems. At the very least, the suggestion for students to switch over to the less-popular product should not be dismissed.

But because the iChip has seen problems from students across the board, a more decisive step is required. The future of our education is at risk due to this Apple product, and public action must be taken, especially since a shocking lack of attention has been given to the mounting quandary.

The iChip has not only resulted in problems within the education system, but has caused deadly accidents.

clone a few weeks ago. During the meeting, Flynn asked Jobs whether or not his product was related to a recent car crash that tragically led to the loss of the driver’s life and left the passenger in the hospital with minor injuries.

Jobs ensured readers and reporter Flynn that all the bugs have been smoothed over and his company has been working diligently to create the best possible products, saying the iChip could not cause harm because “it’s brought the world a lot closer together, and will continue to do that.”

In regards to past glitches, he only commented, “There are downsides to everything; there are unintended consequences to everything.”

However, Jobs seems to be ignoring the issue at hand by saying that minor problems are inevitable. But these problems are hardly menial and the university administrators need to get involved along with the students.

The future of our education is at risk due to this Apple product, and public action must be taken...

The only attempt to garner attention for the issue was due to journalist Sean Flynn of Wired magazine, who published an interview with CEO of Apple Steve Jobs’

I tried to reach Flynn for comment on this developing issue, but discovered that he has been missing for a week or so now. Flynn’s family said that they have not experienced

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any negative issues with their iChips and that Jobs has been very helpful during Flynn’s disappearance, bringing cookies and coffee to the house every day.

Jobs’ clone was not available for comment.

Despite Jobs’ denial of his product’s malfunctions, a huge portion of the student body has begun holding meetings every Thursday at 8:00 p.m. in HUB 305 because of the Apple product’s defects—a testament to the reality of the situation. A recent decision has been made to approach the chancellor as soon as possible and maybe even pursue a lawsuit against Apple and Steve Jobs’ clone.

This latest action by students is something that must be done to tackle the long-term risk to academics. The lawsuit should garner attention, especially if students from a plethora of other campuses get involved. Dealing with the iChip’s malfunctions should be a definite priority, and the issue should be hashed out with university chancellors and deans.

The lawsuit should hopefully get education officials involved and ultimately lead to a public protest against Apple. There is no excuse to be feeding popular products to avid Apple fans if there are obvious problems with the technology.

The student body needs to get its focus back and start rising to the top once again, without disturbances from this, or any, popular Apple product.

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UCR must lower the cost of de-levitation for commuters C o l i n M a r k o v i c h VII SENIOR STAFF WRITER

We all face daily struggles as we go about our ordinary daily business. We all struggle with wiping the sleep from our eyes when our I-Dosers force us to awaken. We deal with the monotonous drudgery of listening to dull robots in lecture drone on about the history of oranges. And we can all relate to the experience of having our brain chips malfunction, leading to embarrassing or misleading thought transmissions to our friends and sometimes even our professors.

But for commuters, there is an additional struggle on top of the homework we have to transmit to our professors and class data we have to stream to our brains, a struggle that the UCR administration seems determined to ignore. Out of all the trials and tribulations us students are put through as we attempt to learn a skill and get a career, one is by far the worst: simply getting to campus.

By everyone’s standards, commuting is a hassle at best and a complete waste of time at worst. The traffic on the transport lanes is atrocious, and the backlog is enough to turn leaving a half-hour early into an apology to the professor for being late. Angry and aggressive drivers who threaten to burn your Flying Transport Vehicle (FTV) to cinders are commonplace.

And if we do make it through the gauntlet of honking horns and unsignaled swerves, we have to compete with other frustrated commuters as we dredge Lot 240 for an empty space.

But by far, the worst problem for commuters is the excessive cost of doing so. A de-levitating permit for the de-levitation lot furthest from the campus costs an exorbitant $500 per quarter. If students want to park closer, or park at night, the rates skyrocket so much that you practically have to take a second job to pay for it. Besides that, commuters pay through the nose to recharge our fuel cells. When you place the monetary burdens on top of the temporal ones, commuting becomes a daily dread. No wonder some students decide to skip class in favor of sleeping in—the daily torture isn’t worth it.

Unlike our UCR brethren who live in the Glen Mor 2,000 apartments or in the Aberdeen and Inverness and Dunfermline and Cumbernauld (A&I&D&C) Residence Halls, we travel a large distance every day just to get to school. While a trip to the Biology Building for a student living in the dormitories is as easy as hopping in one of the free transportation pods of the Campus Active Transport System (dubbed CATS by the community), commuters are faced with a long and tiring struggle day after day. While students who live on campus exclaim, “Let’s take CATS!”,

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De-levitation permits have become increasingly expensive for UCR students, and UCR must help bring them down.

the high cost of driving your FTV to and from campus every day causes commuters to utter different four-letter words.

And why should they not?

As commuting has become increasingly pricey, UCR seems content with jacking up the prices of de-levitating permits and squeezing an increasing number of students into the same number of spaces, paying no mind to the needs of the most populous constituency on campus: commuters.

UCR has nominally reached out to commuter students by offering 30-hour energy bars at so-called “Commuter Breaks” for a handful of times per quarter.

But though it is nice to have that extra boost of energy for the entire day, distributing energy bars does nothing to solve the actual problems facing commuter students: the prohibitively high cost of commuting and the lack of de-levitating spaces available.

The accessibility problem can be easily dealt with. All UCR must do is take the rather simple step of expanding the current de-levitating lots that dot UCR and create more spaces for FTV users to de-levitate their vehicles. There’s plenty of empty space available in the air above us and it is readily usable. Not taking advantage of that free air leaves UCR looking like a college campus ripped from the 21st century, an image that is not representative of the proud university that stands above all the others for its vast array of academic and athletic achievements.

Now to tackle the cost problem.

Commuting students now have to pay a minimum of $500

for a permit for a single quarter.

Of course, paying this much results only in the ability to delevitate in a lot nearly a mile from campus. If you want to park any closer, the costs increase exponentially. For the closest de-levitating lot available to students, Lot 30, the cost rises to more than six hundred dollars.

is a time-consuming endeavor— time that could be spent doing homework or studying. If UCR students have to split their time between their classes and their work, it’s no wonder UCR has reached a 10-year low in grade point averages. Students simply aren’t able to learn as effectively with de-levitation problems on

If no changes are made, UCR could very well lose its luster as one of the top universities in the country.

These costs are far too high and hit students where it hurts most: the pocketcard. In a world where the newly-privatized UCR’s tuition has surpassed that of Harvard, students can’t afford to spare another penny.

We shouldn’t be forced to choose between parking and paying our lab fees. But this is exactly what UCR’s administration is making students do.

The end result of the exorbitant prices is in no way positive for UCR. Students frustrated over the traffic-jammed freeways and the high de-levitation prices are more likely to lose their focus in lecture and be distracted by financial and emotional problems. How can you pay attention to the anatomy of an Apis mellifera specimen when you’re worried about having to choose between paying for a de-levitation permit and your groceries?

Some students resolve this by taking a second job, but working

their mind.

Administrators may be worried that lowering the cost of de-levitation permits would lower the amount of revenue received by the campus. But this may not necessarily be the case. Lowering the cost of a delevitation permit could very well result in an increased number of students who purchase one, creating in a net increase of revenue.

More valuable than the revenue the university receives, though, is its reputation. If no changes are made, UCR could very well lose its luster as one of the top universities in the country. A high cost of living— epitomized by obscenely high de-levitation prices—combined with downward-sliding academics will certainly result in our reputation taking a hit. What student would want to attend a university known for its high parking prices and low academic achievement? It has taken UCR

a century to build its reputation as the premier university of the nation. Is the UCR administration willing to throw a century of hard work away for the quick fix of a few hundred extra dollars?

The cost to the university of decreasing de-levitation permit prices shouldn’t even be a question because the university is there for the students, not to turn a profit. The university operates plenty of services that cost it a significant amount of money, but are maintained for the convenience of the students, such as CATS. Why can’t it do the same for the students who commute to campus?

Perhaps UCR will lose some money in the short-term by lowering the cost of parking permits. But the cost of the status quo overshadows those miniscule losses by a long shot. Not only will academic achievement continue to slide, but students will become increasingly dissatisfied with what UCR has to offer and slowly drift away to other colleges that are more sensitive to students’ interests.

UCR’s reputation will wilt, leaving it to be nothing but a decaying vestige of what was once a proudly blooming flower in the Inland Empire.

Do we want to keep raising de-levitation permit prices and become that atrophied plant that is only remembered for once, long ago, being verdant and green? Or do we want to make UCR a more welcoming environment for students and continue to blossom, unfurling our petals to meet the shining sunlight of a bright future?

The choice is entirely up to UCR’s administration. Let us hope they make the right one.

The opinions expressed in the Opinions section belong solely to their authors and do not represent the Highlander Editorial Board or the University of California, Riverside.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

13

Students undress to relieve stress UCR’s 17th ANNUAL

NAKED RUN

By Michael Rios

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// Senior Staff Writer

n what has become the most popular tradition in UC Riverside history, students revealed it all last week as they ran across campus for the 17th annual UCR Naked Run. The campus was littered with shirts, skirts, briefs and bras as nearly 10,000 students stripped off their clothes to celebrate the end of finals week. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, ABC News, NBC News and Channel H were all present to telecast the event for the world to see.

“This is a fun way for students to come together and relieve the stress now that finals week is done,” said John Doosh, third-year men’s studies major.

The five kilometer run began at the Bell Tower. Runners made their way through the dorms, passed by the Science Library and the Genomics Building and concluded at the 149-year old Rivera Library.

Shameless onlookers snapped photos of the runners as they passed by.

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Meetings on Mondays at 5:15pm at HUB 101

“It’s a great way to learn about the human anatomy,” said first-year biology major Nathaniel Pervertus. “I would rather see this than study my bio book. Plus, it’s easier than looking at obscene stuff on my I-Doser.”

Students ran across the school in the blistering cold and through to the fresh powder of snow in their bare skin. One student I spoke to told me it was worth it even if she got sick.

“I don’t care about what happens to me. If I get pneumonia, I get pneumonia,” said first-year chemistry major Zil Nomel. “It’s not like it’s incurable. All I got to do is take one pill of Tylenol Pneumonia Cure and I’ll be fine in three minutes. I’m sure as hell and not missing out on this thing.”

I asked her if she felt a little embarrassed running outside in the nude, knowing that thousands of people could see her.

“It’s the 2110s,” she replied.

“Who gives a damn?”

Other students disagreed and weren’t so sold on the event.

“This event is an outrage,” said Jane Goodie, fourth-year liberal arts major. “I don’t understand the premise of it.

How is running around the school naked supposed to relieve tension? I can’t think of a more stressful situation.

It’s hard to believe how much we’ve regressed as a society.

We never would have done this 100 years ago.”

As the run concluded, event coordinator John Johnson held a special award ceremony for the runners. Some of the awards handed out were Most Outstanding Runner, Hottest Runner, Least Hottest Runner and Most ‘Okay’ Runner.

“This was the funnest thing I’ve ever done at UCR,” said Barbara Foxy, first-year nuclear chemistry major. “It shows that we’re not just an internationally-ranked school that’s all about the brains, we’re also one of the sexiest universities in the world.”

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-ONE N O ONE

with

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Nobel Prize Winner

Delfina Leocadia Robles

by Michael Rios , Senior Staff Writer

Firstly, where did your interest in biological engineering come from?

I’ve always enjoyed learning things and I think that working in science gives you that opportunity to be a lifelong student. You probably think I’m crazy, but I like learning.

I’ve always thought that figuring things out is a whole lot better than making stuff up.

C o u rt e s y

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Robles was named UC Riverside’s chancellor in 2037.

of

UCR

Your work on the Malaria vaccine was a fantastic achievement. You were the first female from UCR to earn a Nobel Prize in Medicine because of it. How were you able to accomplish such a feat?

My research team and I had an idea—a good idea—and we ran with it. We figured out that using the venomous saliva from the recently discovered vampires in Transylvania were effective in combating the Malaria virus. We figured out a way to manufacture a cure to end that disease as we know it. My research team and I did a fantastic job.

You were a Harvard undergraduate and you earned your doctorate at UC Riverside’s world-renowned Medical School.

What were your experiences like as a student?

As a student, I was never really one of the popular kids. I simply devoted all of my time to my studies and tired to learn as much as I could.

Did you enjoy your time at UCR? Absolutely. Studying at UCR was better than Harvard. No other school in the world has the kinds of scientific resources that this university had. BCOE and CNAS have simply been well-founded.

Speaking of BCOE and CNAS, a lot has been made about the funding of those two ROBLES CONT’D ON PAGE 18

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113 ROBLES FROM PAGE 16

colleges. Some say that they’re being funded significantly more than the arts and humanities. What do you make of it?

I think that the funding of Science is more beneficial. It’s more practical and it has a direct impact on society. I agree with the choice to fund Science more than the arts and humanities.

You were instrumental in the decision to increase the funds for career-oriented colleges. Some people even blame you for starting the Great UCR Civil War. How do you respond to those criticisms?

All I did was my job. I know that my work with the malaria vaccine led to the the decision to increase funding for career-oriented college at this school, but I felt that it was necessary. I couldn’t control the fact that CHASS students— who are now HASSLE (Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences Liberal Education) students—would rebel and start a feud with the other colleges as a means to seek revenge for their lack of funding.

The sole purpose of my research was to create a vaccine for malaria. I succeeded. I also wanted to increase the funding of Science. I succeeded in that, too. What happened afterward was not under my control. I didn’t want a war to break out.

So you don’t feel any guilt for what happened?

I do a little, but there’s only so much blame I can put on myself. I didn’t intend to start a massive feud between UC Riverside’s colleges. I was just

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doing my job.

After the start of the UCR Civil War, and even to this day, I am reminded of a quote by the great scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer and his reaction to the launch of the first nuclear bomb. He quoted from the Bhagavad Gita and said, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” I think I know what he must have felt like. Oppenheimer was just doing his job and working in the name of Science. He never intended to hurt others. I think I’m in that same spot right now.

So what now? Where do you go from here? Will you still be involved in biological engineering?

I think I should. What my research team and I did was something great.

Like I said, the aftermath was not under my control. I would love to continue doing further research to help others.

Like what?

My team and I are currently working with the Livestrong Foundation to finally find a cure for cancer. Just imagine it: UC Riverside—the university that cured cancer.

I just hope that this research doesn’t start another Civil War, too.

Last question: In all honestly, will history remember you for manufacturing a vaccine for malaria or for unintentionally starting the UCR Civil War? I hate saying this, but I think it’s the latter. I just hope people also remember the good that I tried to do. I hope they’re not distracted by what they see on the outside. Ultimately, I consider myself a good person.

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Robles and her team found a way to use vampire venom to create a vaccine for malaria.

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UCR AROUND THE GALAXY

MARS

NAME: Marie Goodall van Leeuwenhoek YEAR: Junior MAJOR: Microbiology PLANET: Mars AREA OF STUDY: Extraterrestrial Studies

W

hen our space ship Minerva landed on the surface of Mars a few months ago, I looked out the window to get a better view at red planet. As I stared at the red and orange mountains, cliffs and valleys, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of childlike wonder and giddiness. I was going to spend an entire year here, studying the recently-discovered microorganism of the planet.

I was fortunate enough to be selected as the first student to ever travel to this planet. In fact, I am also the youngest human to ever set foot here. Additionally, I am only the 215th human being to ever land on Mars. It’s pretty amazing how far we’ve come since the great scientists George Eagle Cox first landed on this world in 2043.

Since then, NASA’s funding has gone through the roof. The organization has been able to fund multiple trips to this planet for the past 70 years. When I heard about the possibility of studying abroad at this planet, I instantly jumped on board. I was selected from a pool of over 10,000 students. My grades and and my education at UCR inevitably made me stand out. Now I am here.

So what’s my role here? I’m an assistant researcher helping NASA and SpaceX scientists study the tiny forms of life that were discovered here just 10 years ago. Our work is mostly conducted at the Bill Nye Laboratories located inside a huge oxygen-filled dome. We named this dome the Neil DeGrasse Tyson Colony, after the famous astronomer from the early 2000s. In fact, there are about seven dome colonies that humans have built on this planet.

P h o t o s C o u rt e s y

But studying the microorganisms is merely one part of the trip.

My boss, a researcher for NASA, intends to do greater things. His mission is to jumpstart Animalia life on Mars. In other words, he intends to turn the Archaebacteria life forms found on this planet into the beings we have on Earth: mammals, amphibians and insects. Needless to say, his research has received mixed feedback from people back home as some have accused him of committing crimes against humanity.

Nevertheless, we’re moving forward with our research.

On the rare days that we get to step foot outside our dome colony, we must put on NASAprovided space suits that allow us to breath our normal oxygen on the world whose atmosphere is

mostly composed of carbon dioxide. Those days are the best.

On those days we get to travel via rover all across the red world.

We hike mountains, drill deep into the planet looking for water and even go spelunking deep inside the underground caves formed by the now-dried rivers that once flowed through Mars.

We actively search for microorganisms such as bacteria, algae and even fungus. When we do find some, we take it back to the lab for further study. I feel like a modern-day adaptation of the fictional character Indiana Jones from the 1900s.

Another of my boss’s goals is to find land on the planet hospitable enough to grow plants so that the planet would reproduce its own oxygen. So far, that goal

has proven to be a little too far fetched. This planet’s current conditions don’t seems to allow the natural growth of plants yet.

Perhaps the most beautiful part of being here is getting to see the sun set from Mars. That yellow orb in the sky may not shine as brightly as it does on Earth, but its sight is impressive nonetheless. On a clear enough day, we can even see the pale blue dot known as Earth floating in the sky from over 35 million miles away.

My experience here has literally been out of this world. Everyday is a privilege that I do not take lightly. When I really think about it, I realize that I’m part of the next great thing that has happened to humanity. I have a chance to explore, learn and

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NASA

change the lives of many for millennia to come. Here, at this lab, we understand what our responsibility is: We’re the next trailblazers of our human race. We have the opportunity to step outside of our comfort zone and wander into the new frontiers of our own solar system.

Who knows? In a few years, we could be wandering the frontiers of the rest of our galaxy. After that, the universe.

It’s such an honor to represent UCR at Mars. I strongly encourage students to try things like this more often. Traveling abroad has taught me more about life that I could have imagined. The sky’s not the limit, UCR. Let’s extend our hands and reach farther than that.

I’ll see you back on Earth.

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RESTAURANT REVIEW:

NEW ERA

By Jessica Martinez III, Contributing Writer Photos Courtesy of Yelp and Goodreads

★★★★☆

I

f you have ever been down University Avenue you may have noticed a boarded up brown building in between the Dynamite Café and Solar Panel Movie Theater. Recently, a respected age-old establishment bought this sad depleted building. Starbucks Incorporated has bought the building as a part of its attempts to take us back to the “good old days,” the days where people waited on customers and customers had to physically hold a paper menu in their hands to see what they wanted to order. The new restaurant is called New Era, which is what 2013 was called after having survived the apocalypse scare of 2012.

When first stepping into New Era, the hanging chandeliers with actual electric bulbs might catch you off guard. In the 2010s, electricity was still the main source of power. Imagine that! The first thing you see on the walls are abstract paintings of the food served at New Era. For those that don’t know, abstract paintings may look like just splatters of acrylic paint, but they were meant to extract emotion from the viewer. A far cry from our beloved geometrical paintings designed purely by computerized robots, these were actually designed by human hands. Our hostess was a teenage girl wearing skin tight jeans, a sweater with a cat on it and black boots. She was also wearing black framed glasses with no glass. She was dressed as what you would call a “hipster” back in the day. Reservations made from any electronic device are not accepted here, seeing as back then one just simply had to show up and expect a possibility of a waiting time.

Once seated, the hostess handed me a laminated paper menu that I had to flip through page by page. No touch screen menus here. I wondered if the avocado bacon cheeseburger would be good but unfortunately there were no buttons to make samples appear at the table. Instead, I had to decipher based on pictures of the dishes with descriptions next to them.

I decided to take a risk and order it.

While I waited for my food, I examined the rest of the restaurant. There were paper napkins on every table. The 2010s were just the beginning on an eco-friendly world. As for eating utensils, silver knives and forks could also be seen on every table. The clinking of

people using their silverware against their plate was heard throughout my whole visit.

Back then, these dishes would be put to wash, one by one, in a dishwasher machine by people. Labor was all people and more physical. Reliance on machines wasn’t as heavy as it is nowadays. I heard old music by artists I’ve never listened to before as the musical lyrics “Baby, baby, baby” were repeated over and over again.

The catchy lyrics and beats were easy to follow and added to the experience while I was there.

My avocado bacon cheeseburger finally arrived, brought by a guy wearing jeans, a fitted shirt and suspenders. I tried not to laugh as he placed my food in front of me. He was so chatty and warm which I found surprising. Human interaction was really important back then, so keep that in mind. My burger came with a side of French fries which were very common back then, due to their low price. The burger consisted of two slices of bread with a slice of meat, lettuce and tomato in between.

Ketchup, or tomato paste, and a yellow mustard sauce were smeared in between. Two bacon strips were also inside the burger. Bacon is a type of pork made of the fatty part of the pig. It’s also the greasiest and slimiest.

Upon my first bite, the mushiness of the meat patty mixed well with the lettuce and tomato and surprisingly created a tasty flavor. I decided to try a French fry next.

As soon as I took the first bite, I could taste the salt particles and the starchiness of the potatoes. I swore my arteries were clogging up. How did people eat this food back then? It was so high in sodium and fat, yet so tasty. I’ll never understand.

After I devoured my burger and fries, I ordered a dessert. I decided to try their homemade apple pie. It was made with real apples and baked in their very own kitchen with real sugar and everything. It was very rich in sugar but after the first warm bite, I’m sure anyone can be won over.

New Era is a new restaurant on University Avenue that is a flashback to a time when none of us were alive, yet its history will forever remain along with the food and culture despite it being so different from our own. Take a chance and try something different! Just go with an open mind.

Burgers and fries were popular meals in the 2010s.

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HIGHLANDER

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

C ulture

Second-year Jack Rico meditates to an I-Doser

W e s l e y N g /HIGHLANDER

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HIGHLANDER

I-DOSER REVIEWS DAFTSKRILLMAUS12A609 // THE WET DREAM AND THE LUCID DREAMER RATING:

★★★★☆ BY: CORNELIUS FRANKFURT

Even after a five year hiatus, DaftSkrillMAUS12A609 still has what it takes to transport experiencers to an ethereal realm.

“The Wet Dream and the Lucid Dreamer,” released last week, exploded onto the I-Doser scene with an unmatched ferocity that not even oft-compared rival Pr33tyKaskad3’s “Dream Juice” can compete with. These binaural beats aren’t just bloops and bleeps. They’re blips and blops this time around—and that’s a big difference.

Always the experimenters, DaftSkrillMAUS12A609 opens the .drg file with “Put your head on your pillow,” a calming introduction to theta waves at 4–7 Hz to put you to sleep or a meditative state. For the artists’ first time working with theta waves, they did a remarkable job. DaftSkrillMAUS12A609’s decadent opener induces deep meditation and, if listened to long enough on repeat, NREM sleep.

That’s non-rapid-eye movement for you HASSLE majors. And remember, for the love of Science, listen to this entire file with your earbuds in and your eyes closed.

Protip: Spending only a half hour in the theta state can reduce

Courtesy of XXX

sleeping needs for up to four hours. So not only does this opening file induce a meditative, almost zen state, but it also gives you time to be more productive throughout your day. And who doesn’t want that?

I flew high up into the clouds of my consciousness and chilled with the stars and the birds and the air.

Next up is “Enter yo own mind,” which begins with beautiful alpha waves at 7-13 Hz, “Buzzzz / Buzzz? Buzzz Beez!

Beezle Buzzz Blop.” Alpha waves are DaftSkrillMAUS12A609’s bread and butter, as we heard and experienced in their masterpiece I-Doser file in 2110, “Tryp d0wn mem0ry l4ne3.” Assuming you listen to the files one after another, this file transports the experiencer to a lucid state in which you are aware you’re dreaming.

Now, feel free to do whatever

the hell you want in your own dream. DaftSkrillMAUS12A609 may be the dream weaver, but it’s your job to experience it. I created an astral projection of myself and hovered above my body. I couldn’t stand to look at the dirty laundry scattered across my floor, so I flew back into my head to escape reality and became one with my lucid dream. I flew high up into the clouds of my consciousness and chilled with the stars and the birds and the air. It was euphoric.

Next on this journey is “Chimes and Dymes,” a combination between alpha and theta waves. This standalone file works to increase focus and even combat addiction. With blissful beats like, “Bleepity bloppity bloop bleep / blop blop bleep,” the experiencer feels overwhelmingly focused. In the lucid dream state, this makes everything in your dream much more vivid. So, your imaginative sultry encounter with your chemistry professor can be that much hotter.

With this enhanced learning ability, experiencers can assimilate more information with greater long-term retention. This file is especially useful for us

Clothing Column

Recurring Trends

by Thelma Annan III, Staff Writer

We’ve all experienced recurring moments, and fashionable clothing definitely belongs on the comeback list. Like your drunk uncle at a holiday party, clothing trends always make an awkward reappearance and remind us to never throw anything away. From shoulder pads and bodysuits to those God-forsaken Crocs, here are ways to rock recent comeback trends from your great-great-grandparents’ days and keep them looking new.

hardworking Science folks who need every bit of help we can get, especially as it forces addiction out of the body. For instance, I rely on popping CaffAttack to increase my productivity, but listening to these beats has given me an even greater sense of concentration––but beware.

While working on my study guide for my final, I started

getting a pretty bad headache from this track after listening to it for several hours.

DaftSkrillMAUS12A609’s “The Wet Dream and the Lucid Dreamer” does not disappoint.

Every file has its purpose, as everything should. I can only look forward to their next release. Until then, visit me in your dreams.

Bodysuits Bodysuit-inspired clothing trends have been around for ages. From the 1970s jumpsuit to overalls of the 1990s and rompers of the early 21st century, bodysuits have gotten a much needed makeover this time around. Now available in both long and short sleeves, style your bodysuit as an outerwear piece. Men, try layering with a patterned collared shirt, or be bold and leave your chest bare. Ladies, decorate your ensemble with a colorful silk number underneath. You can also try adding a medium-sized belt around your waist for a unique look.

Shoulder Pads We all poke fun at archived footage of people wearing absurd shoulder pads courtesy of the rock ‘n’ roll 1980s. But alas, we must now hold our tongues because shoulder pads have recently come back into vogue with a nostalgic vengeance.

No longer sullenly designed for the progressive woman, today’s shoulder pads are more edgy and structured than ever before. Demanding attention with their dramatic colors and overdone embellishments, both men and women can experience the power of a strong shoulder.

P hoto C ourtesy

of bridepower

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of shoebuy

Crocs What you wear on your feet can say a lot about you. Just like centuries prior, Crocs have unfortunately managed to find their way back onto the soles of clothing-confused Americans. Now, I’m not judging you (yes, I am), but the perfect phrase for Crocs would be “to each his own.” As in, no one should own these shoes. If you want your feet to garner the right amount of attention, try a pair of platform shoes. Otherwise known as creepers or tall tennies, these shoes let you honor the trends of earlier centuries without having to sacrifice your attitude.

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of tqn

The best of fashion always repeats itself over time. If you’re ever in a style rut, don’t be afraid to go through your parents’ clothing for some inspiration. While the majority of what you find may take you down memory lane, some of your closet finds could make headlines in the latest underground fashion shows. Remember, the beauty and tragedy of trendy clothing is that it repeats itself––so don’t throw away those yellow shirts quite yet.

CULTURE

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

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The Great Scots bring back

coldPlay

By Jake Rich, Senior Staff Writer // Photo by Leena Butt

Earlier this week, an underground arts group called the Great Scots met in the basement of Watkins to hold a “concert.” This term comes from gatherings that were very popular in the 20th and early 21st centuries, in which large groups of people congregated and listened to “bands” (small groups of people that played instruments and sang songs). The event was a new and interesting experience, and a look back at how people used to listen to music.

The whole concert was very foreign to me. I hadn’t even heard about the event until my friend, who has ties to the organization, happened to tell me about it. He said that real people used to play music for crowds, but all I’ve ever known (and I’m sure many of you feel the same) is listening to my I-Doser in bed to induce REM sleep. The Great Scots used retro holograph technology to bring a popular 21st century band, Coldplay, back to life. This technology was first used in 2012 at a music festival called “Coachella,” when a deceased artist named Tupac appeared to perform on stage. To be honest, I wasn’t aware that people actually watched others play music in this medium, and I doubted whether it would inspire as much of a true feeling of efficiency as my I-Doser.

The collective reaction of the audience was the most interesting part of the night. Students and other patrons threw their bodies around the floor and off the walls of the dank, dimly lit basement as sound blared. They

called this movement “dancing,” and I couldn’t help but notice that they exhibited emotion through their movements. The strangest part was when they jumped around and swayed back and forth depending on the song’s rhythm, and changed their facial expression to match their actions.

Though they existed only in hologram form, the members of Coldplay seemed to have some kind of connection with the audience, as if they didn’t care if anything mathematically quantifiable was going on at that moment. The looks on their faces seemed to indicate great passion for what they were doing—just like the looks of the dancing students. The odd thing was, it seemed like a different type of enjoyment than what the I-Dosers usually give me. It certainly felt like there was some sort of explanation beyond my comprehension as to why everyone was enjoying the concert so much.

Admittedly, there was a bit of the communal feeling I usually only see when productivity pills are taken at work. The difference was that instead of working solely for the sake of statistical achievement, these people were simply dancing and singing. One of the oddest moments came towards the end of the show, when after only a few opening notes to a song called “Fix You,” the crowd immediately yelled and cheered in great approval. The crowd loudly sang along with the band (rather than sitting, listening and quantifying sound) and seemed to truly have some kind connection with the people around them, even though they were complete strangers. One line in “Fix You” resonated with the crowd as they sang, “Tears stream down your face / When you lose something you cannot replace.” Some patrons even began crying, as if they were sad as they danced. It was very

perplexing to me; how could dancing, which seemed to carry connotations of happiness, mix with the apparent sadness of crying? I’m still not quite sure what they experienced.

During the concert, I couldn’t help but tap my foot. I keep thinking about it, and I felt something beyond just completing my work status reports, but I can’t quite seem to identify what it is. However, I am curious to see if these feelings can be replicated if I attend more of these functions.

Overall, I do think this cause is worth investigating. When I talked to one patron afterwards, she explained that she felt “revitalized” and that she “couldn’t truly explain what [she] was feeling.” I can’t say for sure what went on in that basement, but it was certainly a fascinating event. Something tells me that these concerts will continue to exist—partially due to the unexplainable emotions of those in the room, which seem to take them to far deeper, if not different places, than laying in their bed with I-Dosers and earbuds.

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HIGHLANDER

INFOMERCIAL REVIEWS CAFFATTACK

RATING: ★☆☆☆☆ BY: REBECCA PAREDES , SENIOR STAFF WRITER There are three very basic things I expect from my shows: straightforward explanations, uncluttered presentations and necessary information. I neither want nor need “plot” and “setting,” which are archaic leftovers from a bygone era. These are generally understood facts, right? Will someone leave a memo for director Quentin Tarantino IV? Tarantino’s fourth clone recently released “CaffAttack,” which promised an in-depth look at the latest caffeine pill to hit the market. The show failed. I had to sit through a dull five minutes of experimental character building, in which a brother returns home after an inter-planet trip and shares a tender moment with his sister. As heartwarming as that may sound, what does that have to do with CaffAttack? Let me tell you: nothing.

The entire show’s run time is an unusually long 10 minutes, and everything a potential buyer wants to see is reserved for CaffAttack’s final three minutes, during which the company’s trademark voiceover describes the pill and how it can benefit your life. I learned that CaffAttack promises three days worth of sleepless productivity with little to no side effects, and a pack of 200 is available for just three easy payments of $9.99. All of those facts sound delightful, but since I had to sit through Tarantino IV’s attempt to be “artsy,” I now view the product he was trying to promote through a negative lens. When I think “CaffAttack,” I don’t think about the work I’d be able to accomplish—I think about the pointless way in which the brother smiled at his sister before they shared a hug, and how I lost five

Photo by Wesley Ng

minutes of my life which I will never get back.

Tarantino IV tried to harken back to late 20th century entertainment, in which audiences were willing to sit through shows that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to three hours. But Tarantino IV needs to understand that his character building storylines are best reserved for art houses—or better yet, his parent’s basement, where nobody has to waste their time dancing around the show’s central message. I want purpose. I want info.

I want something engaging, immersive and immediately beneficial, and storylines from 2009 just won’t cut it.

...I war n you against thinking that this clone is breaking an y ground. Stor ylines are dead and gone.

Unsurprisingly, this latest release was met with a small number of ardent supporters and an overwhelming number of bad reviews. I attribute its mild success to the Tarantino name, which is supported by a niche group of diehard retro fans, but I warn you against thinking that this clone is breaking any ground. Storylines are dead and gone. With that said, I think CaffAttack deserves another

chance at capturing the attention of its target audience. If the company wants to jazz things up, perhaps they can recruit Michael Bay’s clone, whose spontaneous explosions provide an unmatched charm and element of surprise to his productions.

Either way, CaffAttack seems like a promising product that guarantees the same amount of work hours as its competitors

without any harmful side effects. Unlike Constant Caffeine and Adder-All-Nighter, which have garnered some negativity after inducing heart attacks in buyers after their first 48 hours, CaffAttack emphasizes its zero-calorie, natural approach to keeping the body awake and fully functional. CaffAttack: the Pill That Pops Back.

That’s how it’s done, Tarantino IV.

VISUAL PROGRAMMING: SHOWINGS FOR THE WEEK OF 4/2/2113 7:00 a.m.

abcd

FAX

7:10 a.m.

7:20 a.m.

7:30 a.m.

Good Morning Earth Ex-President Rosie O’Donnell and Cher’s preserved head review popular anti-aging creams.

How to Socialize Have you forgotten how to make friends? Explore ways to “greet” and “chat.”

Get Back Together with Taylor Chat with Taylor Swift III about ways to build and buy long-lasting relationships.

Daily Deals We have things. You have money.

Your life needs purpose. Tune in to see what you can buy!

HI-Doser Start your day with a burst of happy from this upbeat I-Doser!

Lo-Doser Too hyped up with happy? Need to mellow out your day? Tune in for an instant fix!

OXYBLAST BILLY MAYS DISCUSSES HOW TO BLAST TOUGH STAINS FROM YOUR LAUNDRY.

OXYBURN BURN FAT NOW! BILLY MAYS DISCUSSES THE DIET PILL CRAZE THAT’S THINNING THE NATION.

Brandy drew a Penis and turned it into a cutout! haHA

I hoppe no one notices this, but Travis was here!

NIDC

BMS

T

TELEWINGDINGS

SPORTS

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

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UCR football plans new stadium after Rose Bowl victory over USC C o dy N g u y e n IV STAFF WRITER

After winning their second national title in three years, the UC Riverside Athletics Department has decided to a pursue a 10 million dollar expansion of the UCR stadium. The football program has seen every home game sell out within days and will look to add higher-tier seating to the 50,000 seat stadium.

The new expansion will serve as a reminder of how much the UCR program has excelled in just over 40 years. After pulling off a massive upset in the 2074 Rose Bowl over the heavily favored USC Trojans, the UC Riverside Athletics Department immediately started plans that constructed a massive 50,000-seat stadium at the site that once housed the Humanities Building at UCR. UCR’s new stadium replaced the Johnson Arena as host for all of the Highlander football team’s home games. Naming for the arena was not determined until the 2076 season, where the Athletics Department settled on “UCR Stadium” as the official name. It broke ground by the end of January 2076 and was completed in time for the 2077 home opener against San Jose State.

At the time Highlander quarterback Brady Manning declared that the stadium would continue to do a lot of great things for Highlander football. “I honestly believe that our teams in the past were too good to be playing games at a 5,000-seat stadium that’s always sold out,” he stated. “I think this stadium has been a testament to the massive support and respect our football program has gotten and deserves after our Rose Bowl win.”

L e e n a B u t t /HIGHLANDER

The new football expansion should accommodate over 10,000 additional Highlander fans.

The Highlanders earned their first ever BCS Bowl victory in dramatic fashion, trailing the No. 3 ranked Trojans for nearly the entire game. With two seconds remaining at the USC 30yard line, Highlander kicker Shane Janikowski converted on a 47-yard field goal attempt to send the game to overtime with the score tied 31-31. In the first possession of overtime, USC quarterback Jim Tnart was intercepted at the goal line by AllAmerican safety Ed Reed III, who scored a touchdown on the return, sealing a 37-31 victory for the Highlanders.

Since the re-inception of UCR’s football program that was previously defunct for nearly a century in 2042, the team has taken remarkable strides under head coach Jim Saban, who led the team to

its first non-BCS bowl victory against Bowling Green in 2058.

After notching 10-straight bowl victories, UCR was formally invited to join the PAC-30 conference in 2070.

Despite the increased competition in a conference with an average of four top-10 teams annually, Saban continued to lure in exceptional recruiting classes annually, developing the program into a perennial winner and dominant force in the PAC-30 alongside the likes of powerhouses Oregon State, UC Irvine and Stanford University.

After Saban’s retirement in 2085, the program at UC Riverside continued to shine and win top-tier bowls culminating with their two national title victories in 2112 and 2113 under the leadership of Philip Jackson IV.

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HIGHLANDER

Supreme Court set to rule on UCR postseason ban Michael Rios SENIOR STAFF WRITER

KENDALL PETERSON

KENDALL’S KORNER The reign of the Percival family The UC Riverside athletic teams have come a long way since joining Division I competition so long ago. UCR since joining the Pac-30 has turned into a powerhouse school. Our football and basketball teams have been superior over top competitors like USC, UCLA and Stanford, to name a few. However, I want to give credit to the UCR baseball team and what a marvelous job that this program has done.

Since 2033 the Percival family has reigned over the UCR baseball team as consecutive head coaches.

They have driven the ball club to high standards and the program has been in top 10 teams of the Pac-30 division ever since joining in 2070. Troy Percival became the head coach in 2033 after Steve Johnson resigned. Seven years later Percival took his team to the College World Series against the number one-ranked Texas Longhorns. With the help of his son Troy Percival II, they took down the Longhorns 13-6 for Riverside’s first NCAA baseball title.

The program has been run so swiftly by the Percivals, why would we need anyone else? Their coaching talent shows with UCR’s multiple NCAA championships.

After the baseball team won their first national title in 2040, Percival won back-to-back national titles in 2050-2051 against UCLA and the Longhorns once more. The baseball team under his reign was ranked third in offense, averaging 13 runs, and second in defense, averaging less than one error and 5 runs a game.

When Percival II was Riverside’s head coach, his expertise led the team to a whole new level. He took what he learned from playing in Riverside and from his father and turned the baseball team into the Yankees of college sports. Percival II guided the team to three back-to-back-to-back titles in 2080-2082, then in 2091-2093 and finally in 2110-2112. During his tenure as head coach his teams were ranked number one on offense and defense.

The baseball program is set for years to come with Percival III taking over after Percival II retires after the 2113 season. The Percivals’ coaching abilities are astounding and effective. The baseball program will continue to be on top of the NCAA with the Percival family teaching the young adults that come into Riverside.

We have seen an increase in attendance and as long as they continue to win, Riverside will see more national banners hung along the outfield fence.

For the first time in 101 years, UC Riverside men’s basketball team was banned from the postseason for poor academic grades.

This means that the firstranked Highlanders will miss out on their chance to win a fourth straight NCAA Championship.

The Highlanders were the heavy favorites to reach the 2113 NCAA Championship game, but their hopes were shattered after poor academic grades disqualified them from entering the tournament.

UCR already had to miss out on the PAC-30 tournament and were forced to sit and watch as their rivals, the UCI Anteaters, took home the title.

UC Riverside Head Coach John Wooden VI tried to petition the decision to allow the Highlanders to re-enter the tournament, but the NCAA

stuck it down. A statement from the NCAA read, “UCR needs to get its stuff together.

As stated by the official rules, student-athletes need to average at least a 3.9 GPA to be eligible to play in the tournament. UC Riverside’s grades were unacceptable.”

UCR was only able to muster a cumalative gradepoint average of 3.89, just falling short from making the cut.

Some believe that the choice to ban Riverside was simply because the Highlanders were too talented and won far too much to compete against other schools.

“This some bulls--t!” exclaimed the always mildmannered UCR point guard LeKobe Jordan after the NCAA decided to uphold the ban. “They can’t ban UC Riverside just because we’re too good. That’s crazy.”

The Supreme Court is set

to hear arguments from both sides and will eventually determine if UCR’s ban from the NCAA Tournament was constitutional.

“They can’t ban UC Riverside just because we’re too good” -LeKobe Jordan “We’re the back-to-backto-back champions!

You know how many years of subpar basketball playing our program had to go through to get where we are today? They can’t do this to us!” yelled Jordan.

The Highlanders are currently riding a 55-game winning streak, one of the longest in NCAA history. If the Supreme Court upholds

the postseason ban, UC Riverside will have to kiss its hopes of winning a fourthstraight title goodbye. UCR was also hoping to win its 20th men’s basketball title overall.

Coach Wooden VI was asked to comment about the ban.

“I’m very disappointed with the NCAA decision to ban us,” he said. “We’re too valuable of a basketball program not to be included in the Big Dance. It has to be unconstitutional.”

He was later asked about his players’ academic performance. “At the same time, I told my players that they needed to get their academics in order,” he said.

“We’re the University of California, Riverside. We don’t get bad grades. We’re not Berkeley.”

The Supreme Court is expected to make its final vote on April 15.

L e e n a B u t t /HIGHLANDER U C R m e n ’s b a s k e t b a l l h a s b e e n b a n n e d f ro m t h e p o s t s e a s o n a f t e r t h e t e a m ’s c u m u l a t i v e G PA o f 3 . 8 9 f e l l s h o r t o f t h e re q u i re d 3 . 9 G PA m i n i m u m .

TAKE PICTURES? Be a Photographer for the Highlander!

Meetings on Mondays at 5:15pm at HUB 101

HIGHLANDER

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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2113

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With a win over Florida, the UCR’s baseball team continued its incredible home winning streak, which currently sits at 27 games. Sammy Salsa hit two home runs for the Highlanders as the team improved to 21-3 on the season.

Raven Chestnut turned in her best performance of the season as UC Riverside took top honors at the Highlander Invitational. The team was eight strokes ahead of the runner up, UCLA.

The Highlanders swept by the competition at the David Gazzolo Riverside Invitational, placing first out of 20 teams. Eldrick Forest rolled in a tournament high five birdies on the day.

UC Riverside men’s tennis team nearly pulled off one of the biggest upsets in college sports history, falling one match short to number one UC Irvine. Lead by senior Bryan Roddick. The Highlanders lost the doubles point in a tight third set tiebreaker failing to stop the Anteater’s streak of 74 consecutive matches won.

The ladies of blue and gold finished the UC Riverside Classic on a high note, powering past second ranked Alabama, 6-1. Kayla Wilkins hit three RBIs while Jennie Flinch struck out eight different players.

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HIGHLANDER

Jack Nicholson buys Bing Center season tickets

DARREN BUENO

BUENO’S DÍAS No Challenges Remaining

L e e n a B u t t /HIGHLANDER

Like their rival Anteaters, who count Billy Crystal among their courtside seat holders, the Highlanders can now claim their own star fan.

Darren Bueno SENIOR STAFF WRITER

“You can’t handle the truth!” were the last words Jack Nicholson snarled at Los Angeles Lakers owner Jim Buss IV following the Lakers’ latest home loss to the Washington Bullets, which dropped the team to 9-42 on the season. Reports are that the 176 year old actor confronted Buss on the struggling franchise’s condition and later relinquished his season tickets, ending a 143 year relationship that dates back to 1970. Nicholson, who became the second person after Walt Disney to be cryogenically preserved and brought back to life through modern science in 2090, will now switch to the blue and gold and buy Bing Center season tickets for UCR men’s basketball.

Following the Bing Center’s completion in 2017, the basketball program at UC Riverside has surged in both ticket sales and team success. The university’s all time leading scorer Larry Cunningham joined the coaching staff in the 2019-2020 season fueling a Highlander run to the Big West Conference Finals. Six seasons later Southern California’s most coveted high school recruit, Lance William, shocked the world by signing his letter of intent to attend UCR. He stated his desire to stay close to family and a chance to major in one of the university’s world renowned science programs as reasons for his decision.

Tickets sales for the Bing Center exploded after William’s signing was announced. Highlander bas-

ketball sold out their season tickets for the first time in program history.

In the 2025 season, William led the Highlanders to their first berth in the NCAA tournament and earned the university their first television deal with Fox Sports West. William declared his intent to join the NBA at the conclusion of the 2027 season behind UCR’s cinderella run to the NCAA Elite Eight with upsets of UCLA and UC Irvine. With UCR firmly on the college basketball map, the Highlanders continued to enjoy an ample amount of success winning Big West Conference titles and expanding the Bing Center for the next few decades.

After UC Riverside joined the newly expanded PAC-30 in 2070, Jack Nicholson was brought back

to life through the breakout success of cryopreservation. Nicholson was surreptitiously frozen in 2037 with hopes of returning to complete his bucket list. Alive and kicking, the actor returned to prominent film roles and began to appear at several Lakers home games, but grew continually frustrated with the team’s incompetence. After a loss to the Cleveland Lebrons, Nicholson stated, “On a suck scale of 1-10.

They’re a 10 plus two.”

In the midst of the 2112-2113 season, the Lakers went on a 27game losing streak that was eventually snapped by a home win against the Chicago Bulls. Shortly after Nicholson disowned his beloved Lakers and looked for a new basketball program to quench his sports

thirst.

With the Bing Center at the center of the sports and entertainment world, the choice for Nicholson was obvious.The Highlanders are on an incredible basketball winning streak and the Bing Center is located next to Microsoft Documentary Studios, Disney’s Adultland and Black Ops Arena. “You want answers? Look the Lakers were a substandard team and UC Riverside is a world leader in not only athletics but the sciences as well,” Nicholson stated. “They are world leader in science innovation and are probably one of the reasons why I am here today.” As the Highlander faithful continue to fill up the 15,000 seat Bing Center, expect a new fan to be perched right alongside them.

L e e n a B u t t /HIGHLANDER

Students will look forward to rubbing elbows with one of Hollywood’s elite actors.

“Mr. Fantastic” competes in NFL combine M a t t h e w G u e r r e r o III CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Following in the footsteps of several former UCR alumni, wide receiver Scott Hardy performed at the NFL combine this past week. Ten NFL teams including the Los Angeles Rams watched in awe as Scott Hardy caught a record 100 passes in a row without breaking a sweat, taking passes from UC Irvine quarterback, Mark Sanchez III. UCR’s standout wide receiver and Heisman trophy winner holds a special place among past Highlander greats. After losing his arm in a hoverboard accident a few years ago, Hardy participated in a rare rehabilitation program and actually received treatment DNA stimulation in

his right arm that promoted regrowth. Now with an arm that bends and stretches back like rubber, Hardy has earned the name “Mr. Fantastic” by some NFL and college coaches.

One NFL coach said of the UCR athlete, “His vertical is subpar, his broad jump is laughable, but the right arm stretches for days and makes catching passes even more laughable than his jump, laughably easy that is.”

UCR head coach Barry Burns, said of his receiver, “I’ve never seen someone with such little athletic ability dominate a game like he has. His Jerry Ricelevel potential stems from his hard work ethic, and that endless right arm.”

After catching 145 passes, racking up 1,700 yards and scoring 18 touchdowns for the Highlanders this past season, Scott Hardy performed at the combine with a vertical of 25 inches, and a broad jump of 98.0”.

Although quite underwhelming on the broad jump and vertical parts of the combine, Hardy did display average speed on the 40-yard dash, running a 4.55 to put him in the middle of the pack of receivers.

Hardy ran track and field in high school and attributes his success in the dash to his four year career at Poly High School.

“Track was the only sport I was every really good. I finished in the top 100 at every meet. I was never really a big football player

though,” said Hardy.

Hardy was kicked off his football team in high school after failing to catch a single pass in his freshman season from star quarterback and now UC Irvine alumni, Mark Sanchez III, who is the number one ranked on the mock drafts.

Scott Hardy’s average athletic ability, the combination of elite catching skills due to the slinglike action of his right arm and ability to simply rise up and nab passes out of mid-air produces a unique combination of talent unseen in recent drafts. He is likely to be taken as the fourth pick by the Los Angeles Rams, who are looking for their first superstar receiver since moving to LA for the third time.

Most tennis fans are familiar with the phrase “no challenges remaining.” After a player has used their three allotted objections, the umpire mouths the words that silence any further discussion about a right or wrong call. Well today there are no challenges remaining for UCR tennis as the university announced the decision to remove the program after nearly a century of unrelenting objections from the Riverside tennis community.

UC Riverside will now devote the tennis funds to the development of competitive hot dog eating competitions, toe wrestling and the rock paper scissors recreation league. While I can understand the university’s decision to replace a struggling sport in light of the enormous success Highlander athletics has enjoyed the past decade, the tennis program at UCR deserves a second shot.

Since their transition to Division 200 athletics in 2098, the UCR tennis program has barely tread water as they have fallen victim to Roger Federer IV, Antonio Nadal V, and Uranium Williams. The trio of UC Irvine superstars have smacked, aced, and smashed the Highlanders for the better part of the decade.

With Nadal and Federer joining the professional circuit this year and Williams out with injury, UC Riverside is in a better position than ever to inflict damage in the PAC-30.

The sports of hot dog eating, toe wrestling, and rock paper scissors have grown to prominence since their inclusion in the 2088 Summer Olympic Games in Death Valley, Calif. After gaining considerable momentum from the Games, the three competitions were instituted in 2108 as new athletic programs by fellow rivals UC Irvine, Stanford and UCLA. While the sports are clearly popular especially in UCR intramural programs, my question is where is the prestige? Created in the nineteenth century, the sport of tennis is one of the universally recognized sports in the world.

Hinging on finesse and precision tennis is refreshing and enjoyable to anybody that gives it a chance.

So we are faced with a dilemma. Go with the hot pick or stick with old faithful. I would endorse the latter as the sport of tennis has tremendous upside if the proper funds are directed towards its overall growth. With basketball and football clearly holding their own, the university needs to focus on recruiting the next Novak Joker or Brittany Sugarpova to make tennis a winning athletic program at UC Riverside.