i
t takes something monumental to literally divide the span of a person’s life in half. Unfortunately, for many parents, losing a child does exactly that. I’m not talking about parents who are trying to conceive and lose a child during pregnancy. While that loss is no less felt, meaninful and brings its own set of emotions, it is not nearly the same as losing a child with whom you have interacted, shared specific life memories and celebrated milestones. Any time a loss is experienced, we as humans want to share sympathy and easily drum up placations such as “he/she is in a better place” or perhaps even “it was God’s will”. Each of these in their own ways may be true, but none of them help the person dealing with the grief. The first rule for interacting with a parent who has lost a child is not to compare that loss to any other form of loss. Do not compare the loss of the child to the loss of a parent or spouse. It is also important not to compare the loss of a child to the loss of other children. It is inappropriate and meaningless to compare the loss of any child to the loss of any other child, including a miscarriage. For the parents who have had to watch their child die from cancer, they feel a pain and grief that cannot be compared. Those parents had to see their child agonize in their final days, suffering like no child should ever do. However, they were able to say goodbye. They got to go to the beach one last time. For the parent
who had a child killed one afternoon in a car crash, they endure tremendous shock and did not get to prepare at all. Both losses are tragic. Both losses are awful. Both losses are examples of something no rational thinking person would wish on anyone. Trying to compare the losses to one another is unnecessary and unhelpful for those grieving parents. Both of those families need space to feel the way that they feel, completely free of comparison.
bench in a park or a trip to the cemetery many years after a child has passed. This does not mean the parent is emotionally unstable or “unable to let go.” It means that the parent is honoring the life of the child that they lost. They are entitled to carry out and respect that for as long as they deem necessary. It is important that the parents focus on the present, on the here and now. It is the easiest thing in the world for
“There was the timeline and period of my life that happened before my child died. Then, there was the timeline of my life that happened after my child died.” {quote from a mother who lost an elementary aged child} Another rule is that there is no timeline for anything, especially when it comes to closure and the end of grieving. No parent should feel pressured or rushed to do anything with their child’s room. For some parents, dismantling a child’s room may take years. That parent will know when it is the right time to take the room apart and to give away clothing and toys. It is none of anyone else’s business how long it takes. Similarly, a parent is usually different after the loss of a child. To assume that a person will stay the same is probably not rational. Parents frequently will honor their child’s memory with things like a memorial multiplicity
a grieving parent to wonder “What am I going to do on their birthday? What am I going to do for Christmas?” Thinking of all of the celebrations and life moments that they may have shared with their child in the past, can easily lead to anxiety about how they will feel during these future events with their child no longer present. It can become overwhelming so quickly. Many parents learn that the anticipation of the day ahead is so much worse than the day itself. You have to focus on what is happening in your life right now and stay focused on that. One mother told me, “You have got to get up in the
the must-have magazine for all parents of multiples
19