Tusaayaksat Magazine – Fall 2019

They just swallowed that shame. Again, we said people were “tough.” But underneath was a sea of shame and hurt. So it’s hard to say that residential school doesn’t play a role in our historical shame.

We also had to look at what widespread epidemics did to our people. Entire villages were eradicated with simple flu viruses because we had no immunity to foreign diseases. A lot of children were orphaned, and a lot of mothers and fathers lost their children. The entire social fabric of our community was destroyed. How can a parent not feel shame for losing a child? How can a child not feel shame for not having parents?

Even in those days.

We always think people had no feelings in the past ‘cause it was so long ago. Go ask an elder how they felt to be orphaned, or to lose a child. We say they are “tough” but underneath is a world of pain and shame. We can see it in them as they walk up town by themselves. Inside them is a rumble so loud that it drowns out their voices.

So what happens when people cannot process or understand that shame? Remember that shame is an emotion and emotions need to be expressed for people to live healthy lifestyles. We can’t hide our secrets, because we are as sick as our secrets. When I read the police reports of the crimes these guys have committed, I see where the shame comes out. It comes out as self-hatred, violence, low self-esteem, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual assaults, vicious attacks on others, murder and manslaughter, just to name a few. And that’s not to mention the people in our communities, people who walk around with their head down, who are so burdened with shame.

Shame is a powerful emotion that demands attention. As human beings, we learn ways to stifle it because it is such an uncomfortable and uneasy feeling. We don’t like to feel like that, so we have to supress that feeling somehow. I know for me alcohol was a perfect way to kill those feelings I had in myself. Whenever shame would rear its ugly head, I would just go to the bar and kill it with booze and good times. But all the time I was crying on the inside. I’m not going to go into detail about how I got my shame, ‘cause that’s my business.

The fact remains I have it and it almost destroyed my life.

I could not drink anymore (I entered stage three alcoholism when I quit) but I was still not ready to reveal my secrets to anyone. I didn’t trust anyone, nor did I love myself enough to get and accept help. So naturally I found other addictions to cure my ill. Again, I’m not going to go into detail. If you are reading this, you know what I’m talking about.

I had to find another addiction because my shame was so powerful that I had to somehow medicate it. The addiction I chose, or the addiction that chose me, began to create more