Spring 2008 - Issue 5

TUFTS OBSERVER TUFTS’ STUDENT MAGAZINE

APRIL 1, 2008

Featured Articles

FEATURE

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|Who Killed Mrs. Baggerton? A Major: Undecided sketch

NEWS

It’s pollution! It’s human rights! No! It’s Godzilla!

ARTS

On the front lines of Canada’s culture war

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OPINION

So you got a BA in BS. Now what?

EXCURSIONS

Upscale dining right in Davis Square

The Observer has been Tufts’ weekly publication of record since 1895. Our dedication to in-depth reporting, journalistic innovation, and honest dialogue has remained intact for over a century.

Today, we offer insightful news analysis, cogent and diverse opinion pieces, and lively reviews of current arts, entertainment, and sports. Through poignant writing and artistic elegance, we aim to entertain, inform, and above all challenge the Tufts community to effect positive change.

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Editors

Contents

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Captain Ballsacks

1 April 2008

MANAGING EDITORS Crack Ho Hall Patrick “Client 9” Roath Mike “I’m 21” Snyder EDITORIAL EDITOR “The Administration Must” Shaeffer NEWS EDITORS “I Had a Long Day” Rosen Josh Assheim OPINION EDITOR Bear-Friend Ramsdell ARTS AND EXCURSIONS EDITORS Flannel C. Largebody Eliza Dolittle CAMPUS EDITOR Midg’ Posner ART DIRECTOR Queen of the Amazons PHOTO EDITOR E. BaldAss ONLINE EDITOR The Techy Louris COPY EDITOR Jül;e Loñergán!

EDITORS EMERITI Timothy Noetzel Michael Skocay

Staff

Sarah Leenen Sophie Pack Emily Roitman Michael Schecht Alina Shevlak Doo Doo to Doodles Stolp

Volume CXVI, Issue 5 The Observer, Since 1895 www.TuftsObserver.org

Feature 2 Who Killed Mrs. Baggerton?: A Major: Undecided Sketch, by Dan Clionsky and Prescott Gadd

News 5 6 8 9 9

Administrators to Improve Housing by Downgrading, by Daniel H. Wittels Seen in Tisch Library, by Daniel Rosen and Michael Schecht Beijing Olympics Threatened by Growing Godzilla Menace, by Loren Austin TUTV Cribs: Prez. Bacow, by Ryan Stolp The Adventures of Petey & Chuck: A Comic Strip, by Ryan Stolp

Opinion 11 So You Got a BA in BS. What Now?, by Mara Sacks 12 Utter Hilarity: Funny in the Dull, by Sophie Pack 13 Lessons in Procrastination, by Emma Wallace Arts and Excursions 15 Letter from the Arts Editor, by Michael Tucker 16 Finally, Something to do for Tufts Women, by Michael Tucker 17 Trouble in America’s Hat, by Matt Schultze 18 An Open Letter to All of the Women Who Won’t Sleep with Me: A Letter to the Editor 18 Red and Green, by Thomas Sutherland 19 Find Your Spring Fling: Dating Advice You Need to Know, by Emily Roitman 20 A Luxurious Burrito in Davis Square, by Alina Shevlak Poetry and Prose 22 How to Write the Best Love Letter Ever, by Sam McCauley In Every Issue 10 Editorial 21 Ticker Tape 24 Campus COVER: RYAN STOLP

PARTING SHOT: ERIN BALDASSARI

Contributing Writers, Artists, and Photographers Loren Austin Dan Clionsky Prescott Gadd

Sam McCauley Matt Schultze Thomas Sutherland

Emma Wallace Daniel H. Wittels

A Major: Undecided Sketch

Who Killed

Th its

Mrs. Baggerton?

BY

DAN CLIONSKY AND PRESCOTT GADD

T

he scene is the library of a Victorian mansion at night. Wendell Phillips, a detective in his 40s, stands haughtily with a pipe in one hand. He is addressing Mr. Trevor, 20s, and Psycho Bob, 20s. Psycho Bob is holding a cheese grater and is covered in a red liquid.

Wendell

Mr. Trevor

I have assembled everyone in this room because you all have a reason to want Mrs. Baggerton dead, with the exception of Psycho Bob here, who I enjoy for his most peculiarly delightful demeanor.

He’s holding the murder weapon and is covered in what I expect to be the victim’s blood.

Mr. Trevor

Wendell

So...I’m the only suspect?

Pointing fingers is the surest sign of trickery, Mr. Trevor.

Wendell Mr. Trevor

I am here to decipher this most dastardly of deeds, the murder of Mrs. Baggerton. From my initial review of the deceased, I have inferred that the motive was money, the murder weapon: a cheese grater. (The three grimace.)

Mr. Trevor

Yes, if you put it that way.

I’m just saying.

Mr. Trevor Psycho Bob Uh...can I just point out that Psycho Bob is holding a cheese grater and is covered in blood?

Also, this is a cheese shredder. Not a grater.

Wendell

I can’t even imagine how gross that must be.

Wendell (ignoring Mr. Trevor) 2

THE OBSERVER

April 1, 2008

W

Wendell Ah yes, Psycho Bob, I am once again tickled by your flair for the unexpected.

See, Mr. Trevor? Also, Psycho Bob now has an alibi at the time of the murder: he was shredding cheese.

W ins ma in tim

Im Iw (pa W

the adjective “psycho!”

Mr. Trevor

I was running around the mansion trying to find the location of the agonized screams.

Psycho Bob

While covered in blood.

Wendell Psycho Bob This thing is sharp! I cut myself a lot due to its shredding nature.

How convenient, Mr. Trevor. I notice that in the event of Mrs. Baggerton’s death, you would receive quite the pretty penny as stated in her will.

Actually, “Psychotic,” but I’m trying to hip it up.

Mr. Trevor Regardless—

Mr. Trevor Mr. Trevor What about the GPS locators we all had installed when we starting working at this mansion? The GPS history puts Psycho Bob in the same room as Mrs. Baggerton at the time of the murder.

Yes. I would receive one penny. It was some sick joke of hers. It wasn’t even guaranteed to be a pretty penny.

Wendell

Wendell (correcting him) Irregardless.

Mr. Trevor No, I don’t want to negate regardless.

Psycho Bob I must not have noticed her getting murdered.

I was really working hard shredding cheese. (pause) What were you doing?

Mr. Trevor

Nonetheless, you clearly had something to gain, while Psycho Bob had no motive.

Psycho Bob Then say, “Un-irregardless.”

Mr. Trevor Mr. Trevor Except…HE’S CRAZY. His name is Psycho Bob! He was named, quite accurately, with

That’s a double negative.

is m’s

ry,

er.

has was April 1, 2008

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(switching characters) Psycho Bob

Well then I refuse to be taken in.

Never! I’ll run away.

That’s not un-beside the point.

(switching characters) (switching characters)

Mr. Trevor (to Wendell)

But I must!

I’ll chase you to your death.

Do you not see how crazy this guy is?!

He is covered in blood, has a cheese GRATER, and is named Psycho Bob!

(switching characters) So be it! Let the hunt begin!

As Mr. Trevor rants, Psycho Bob blatantly places the cheese shredder into a duffle bag near him.

He runs off.

Wendell

Wendell Slow down!

I’ll have to examine the scene more closely with my magnifying glass. I’ll just get it out of my bag.

(switching characters) Never!

Wendell rummages through the bag. He picks up the bloody cheese grater in horror.

Psycho Bob and Mr. Trevor sit in stunned silence.

Psycho Bob Psycho Bob (to Mr. Trevor) It was you all along!

That is one fucked-up dude.

Wendell Psycho Bob holds up a bowl of red stuff.

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No! It couldn’t have been! Or could it? But why would I have done it?

Nevertheless, I shall turn myself in to the proper authorities. Which is myself.

Want some shredded Mrs. Baggerton?

I’m gonna go make another bowl. O

(talking to himself)

Photos by Dan Clionsky.

THE OBSERVER

April 1, 2008

Psycho Bob

NEWS

Administrators to Improve Housing by Downgrading Disclaimer: All quotes have been fabricated. They were never said and the opinions they hold are not the true opinions of those quoted.

BY

A

DANIEL H. WITTELS

sk any number of freshmen and sophomores living on campus and you will be hard-pressed to find anyone who believes the current housing situation at Tufts is acceptable. In fact, many students are actively striving to change many of the living conditions found here on the Hill. The administration has heard their cries and now plans to act.

The Office of Residential Life and Learning (ORLL) recently agreed to institute a plan to systematically degrade and ransack residential facilities across campus. Anticipated in the plan is a restructuring of all dorms, as well as a complete demolition of West Hall. According to Yolanda King, director of the ORLL, “We felt these changes were necessary to keep us competitive with other schools in the area and help build community on campus. We think dorms like Lewis and Hodgdon are really successful and therefore we wish to use them as

models when making our modifications.”

It was not an easy task, but King and her office have gotten full administrative support for the project. According to President Lawrence Bacow, “Ms. King provided an extremely convincing argument to the entire administration here. I am very excited for the proposed changes.”

While the entire plan is expected to take upwards of four years to complete, some simple alterations could happen as soon as this summer. Plans to downgrade bathrooms, dim common rooms, and decrease overall living space in dorms are expected to take place while students enjoy their summer breaks. “The past few years we have been very active during the summer,” says King. “I just hope we will be able to get everything we plan to accomplish done as soon as possible.”

King also commented on the state of West Hall. Although one of the oldest buildings on campus, West is one of the most coveted residential halls for sophomores. “We

view West Hall as an extreme waste of space.

We want to knock down the entire building in order to make room for a more traditional dorm. Students don’t want to feel like they’re at home when they’re at school, and West seems too much like home. Until then, large rooms, especially the quads, could be used to house two or even three additional students.”

Students’ responses to the proposed changes have been generally positive as well.

According to freshman Andrew McGowan, “I can’t wait for smaller rooms and a lower overall quality of housing.” Even upperclassmen are excited about the changes. Junior Jack Calvi said, “I just wish I was here to witness and utilize all the new changes. It would have made my career here at Tufts that much better.”

While final details still need to be hammered out, it seems as if the project will proceed, to quote Justice Earl Warren, “with all deliberate speed.” As for me, I can’t wait to move into my new quad, errr, septuplet. O

The Counsel of Chromatic, Multi-faith Tuftonian Affiliates for the Tri-Partisan Proliferation of Good Feelings and Breath Wasting! * ® • Join our illustrious equal opportunity ccongregation! Scientologists not welccome.

• Arrive on time and still be forced to watch the simulcast!

• Fletcher funded, sanctioned, and subssidized!

• Meet real Arabs that care about you caring about them and want to thank you for it!

• Features more B-list foreign dignitariies then you can shake an olive branch aat!

• Get cash money for your project combating economic, social and/or sexual justice (first-come, first-serve basis)!

• Sub-Saharan African(s) too!

* All brownie sales fund IT training for Congolese refugees!

April 1, 2008

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SEEN IN TISCH L

On the Shelves Abortion Rap: Music and Dead Babies Converge Crustacean Sexual Biology: A Brief Review Salt: A World History A Short History of Fashionable Genocides The Magic of Inbreeding: My Life (So Far)

IMAGE COURTESY

GOOGLE MAPS, 2008 6

THE OBSERVER

April 1, 2008

CH

LIBRARY From the Library’s Public Journal: “Every AEPi penis I have seen is small.”

“My boyfriend is a cross-dressing homosexual who sleeps with homeless men.”

“When I was in seventh grade, people were receiving blowjobs in the back of the bus.”

New Acquisitions Dream Boyz (DVD) Continental Crust and its Discontents ParisHiltonSextape.mpeg Bill Richardson’s Toenails Now That’s What I Call Music!, Vol. 90 The Chronicle of Higher Erection

April 1, 2008

THE OBSERVER

7

Beijing Olympics Threatened

by Growing Godzilla Menace

BY

LOREN AUSTIN

B

eijing - Diplomatic negotiations between the Chinese government and Godzilla broke down this past weekend, after Godzilla refused to honor the terms and conditions of China’s non-devouring ag reement.

Chinese officials were eager to pacify Godzilla, as well as pro-Godzilla dissidents within the Communist Party, amid growing fears that Godzilla’s presence on the Asian continent would disrupt the proceedings of the Beijing Olympics this coming summer.

Communist Party insiders remained optimistic even after 43 members of their delegation were devoured Friday afternoon by the 600-foot-tall proto-lizard. It was not until Godzilla consumed the Hall of Supreme Harmony within the Forbidden City that the conference proceedings were halted.

Similar fears arose prior to the 1998 Winter Olympic Games in Nagano, Japan. Fortunately, Godzilla grew sluggish and sleepy due to the extreme

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cold just short of the Olympic village.

While Godzilla has long caused social and economic havoc in Japan, his farreaching migratory patterns mean that his influence is far more prevalently felt than was previously thought.

“Traditionally Godzilla has been perceived as a Japanese problem,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao during his weekly public address. “Unfortunately, whether Japanese, Korean, or Chinese, all Asians look the same to Godzilla.”

Many within the Chinese government have pushed for a pre-emptive strike against the growing reptilian threat. Early last year, funding for the construction of a giant mechanized Yao Ming was approved by the Chinese Defense

We the

for the hugely successful “Run, It’s Godzilla” awareness campaign conducted earlier this year.

Like Iran and North Korea, the U.S. government does not recognize Godzilla diplomatically. “Giant monster proliferation is a problem that the U.S. government has ignored for far too long,” said Brown University professor and noted Chupacabra activist Amanda Fretz. “Ever since the death of King Kong in the early 1930’s, the American people have not experienced such a threat. Even Cloverfield was largely ignored by a great majority of the U.S. urban population.” Mrs. Fretz suggests that “the U.S. government should consider the deployment of Voltron or

Unfortunately, whether Japanese, Korean, or

”

Chinese, all Asians look the same to Godzilla.

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April 1, 2008

Ministry. The project superseded earlier efforts to create a giant robotic Jackie Chan that required the supplementary construction of a massive automated Chris Tucker.

“We must seriously consider Godzilla as a threat to each and every Chinese citizen” said General Tong Tsao, a twostar general in China’s defense department. “No matter how much Chinese Godzilla eats, a half an hour later he is hungry again,” added General Tsao. The general, a key figure in the construction of Mega-Yao Ming, is also responsible

perhaps even the Mega-Zords in order to defend our athletes in the upcoming Olympics.” O

LOREN AUSTIN

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co “w tha Sh ma ou

sta de “It kn bro de the

un, gn

he ze ter .S. oo or da ng an a ely .S. sts uld or

TUTV Cribs: Prez. Bacow We here at the Observer teamed up with TUTV to get a never-before-seen look at the house that President Lawrence Bacow calls home. You may see him in the Daily or pass his crib on the way to class, but we promise you’ve never seen anything like this.

BY

O

RYAN STOLP

ur crew was greeted at the big door in Gifford by a door-lady who kindly took our coats and gave us complimentary breath mints. When asked “why breath mints,” she responded saying that “Adele loves a kindly smelling home.”

She also pointed out that the mint flavor matched Glade plugins that were in every outlet. This was no stinky freshmen dorm.

Bacow called to us from the top of the stairs and introduced himself as he slowly descended the grand stairway in his robe.

“It’s made from real elephant hide, so you know it’s good,” he said of his blue and brown garment. He said he had the biology department genetically engineer panthers into the school colors.

Our crew was then ushered into the kitchen where house elves greeted us in song: “Tufts is a magical place.” He then ushered us into his office, the very heart of the Tufts administration. “The administration must run smoothly and efficiently without dissent,” he said. One of the TUTV crew asked, “Aren’t different ideas crucial to the treatment of complex issues?” Bacow pushed a button below his desk and the unfortunate inquirer fell through the trapdoor he was previously standing on. We were assured that the Tufts Thought Police, a branch of Bacow’s office, would cure the man’s affliction.

“Do you like cars?” Bacow asked as we continued the tour and descended into what he affectionately called the Bac Cave, deep below the campus above us. It opened up to

a cavernous room containing several foreign cars, including a Russian Yugo, a German Issetta, and a three-wheeled open air Thai buggy. They looked dangerous and none of them had iPod jacks. Looking optimistic, Bacow added that they were the perks of being the president of a school with an international focus and that none of them ran. Before leaving, Bacow belted out a full phrase of opera that echoed in the cavern.

Surprised, we looked back at the robed man and were soon put at ease. “Adele says I can’t sing in the house.”

Our jackets were returned at the door and we were sent off. We asked him why we needed to go so soon and he replied, “I always finish early — as an undergraduate, a graduate, and as this tour guide. Good day.” O

”

der ng

TIN

April 1, 2008

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EDITORIAL

The Benefits of the Bottle

A

10

degree from Tufts University does not come without cost. In giving up a vibrant social scene for the sake of attending a top-tier university, students are sentencing themselves to a life of overrated scholarship and ineffectual civic engagement that will leave them ill-prepared for the harsh realties of an unforgiving world. President Lawrence S. Bacow and the administration have become blindsided by the empty promises of “active citizenship” and a greater national reputation, leaving graduates without the wherewithal or expertise to find solace at the bottom of a bottle. These injustices cannot continue any further, and The Observer hopes that the administration will recognize these deficiencies and act accordingly.

retaining their liquid waste is a direct result of a low alcohol tolerance.” This lack of tolerance stems from an unhealthy class-to-beer ratio, where students place a dangerous emphasis on scholastic achievement at the expense of alcohol consumption.

The need to resolve this blight on our campus’s record should not be underestimated. Good grades, extracurricular activities, and competitive internships provide only ephemeral happiness, leading to a fruitless quest for greater accolades that ends in disappointment and regret. An inevitable slippery slope sets in as Tufts graduates face decreasing returns on their effort, resulting in little professional success, unfulfilled relationships, and a debilitating midlife crisis. By

consumption. Second, the F.O.C.U.S. program will switch its “focus” from combating hunger to “thirst,” by actively supplying liquor and other spirits to those most in need. Lastly, the wilderness program will teach underage students to prepare their own alcohol from indigenous roots, herbs, and other brush local to the Somerville area, thereby combating the limited accessibility of first- and second-year students to alcohol. Eliminating classes on Fridays and removing the two-drink maximum at Hotung are other measure that could promote a more robust and accepted drinking culture on campus.

The university prides itself on producing active citizens who work to generate positive societal change. Nonetheless, this concentra-

The underlying problems surfaced last semester with the first Senior Pub Night. Problems arose when Tufts seniors were unable to hold their alcohol, embarrassing the institution and forever branding Tufts students as “a bunch of lightweights.” The root of this issue lies not in the seniors themselves, however, but rather the culture on campus that looks down upon late night bending, heavy drinking, and general debauchery. Senior Hari Nandu, a well-regarded premedical student, believes that it is “very clear that the students’ inability to remain intoxicated for long periods of time without losing consciousness and successfully

not developing a beneficial relationship with alcohol, students risk adulthood unaided by liquor’s unparallel ability to dull pain, sadness, and regret.

Steps taken today can ensure that future generations of Jumbos will not suffer the same fate as our graduating class. The administration must intervene immediately with programs, and The Observer proposes a radical overhaul of the impotent freshman pre-orientation programs. First, S.I.P. will replace the F.I.T. program, where instead of focusing on fitness, students will train in techniques yielding intense stamina in alcohol

tion on civic engagement will inevitability lead to deep and utter despair, as young graduates realize the futility of their efforts to cure the ills of the world. It is a disservice to the students if the university encourages active citizenship, but not the habits that will make the failures of such a lifestyle bearable. A great man once said that alcohol is the “cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” The administration should heed his words, and not allow future graduates to enter the world without appreciating the true worth of the bottle. The ball is in your court, President Bacow. The Observer hopes you answer the call. O

THE OBSERVER

April 1, 2008

D BY

MARA SACKS

-Day is rapidly approaching. After weeks of anticipation, Spring Break is now little more than a fading tan and foggy memory. Cursing that last math requirement you managed to complete, you near the day when your diploma will be foisted upon you and the wrought-iron gates will seal your access to the Hill. Underclassmen may imagine that with a Universitatis Tuftensis degree, professional prospects extend indefinitely. The future little more than a subsidized pub-crawl. This is common folklore; an opiate that placates the anxieties of the to-be-unemployed.

April is the cruelest month, and for still-jobless seniors, it hisses a harsher tune.

This April, with the economy a junket of refuse, more seniors then ever find themselves wondering how, after four years of higher education, they aren’t qualified to do…anything. Marketable skills are few and far between in a liberal arts setting — sit down enginerds, no one is talking to you — and jobs that appeal to the highly educated are even fewer. I do not voice such realities to terrify you. Rather, I hope to empower Observer readers by sharing the wisdom my four years at Tufts and four months of job searching have afforded me.

I have discovered that with a little ingenuity and can-do attitude, even we art history majors can hope for gainful employment. Here are three easy measures every senior should take to land a job by May.

Screw the beaten path: When beginning a job search, many feel overwhelmed and lost. So, they turn to the predictable sources for job listings.

After a few minutes of perusing, however, one will discover that the want ads provide greater voyeuristic entertainment than practical positions. While the paper will be of no help to you now, I do not recommend throwing it away. (The thirty grand an infertile couple will pay for your eggs may seem egregious in April, but may suffice as a viable alternative to moving home in June.)

If you’re thinking what everyone else is thinking, you’ll next trudge down to Tufts’ homegrown Monster. Career services won’t get you far, your $40,000 insufficient to supply private meeting space. Unless you want to share an intimate look at your resume with those in earshot of the shallow walls of the cubicle confines, I don’t recommend stopping by Dowling Hall. Besides, we have our mothers to criticize our anti-social ten-

“

OMNIVORES

So You Got a BA in BS. Oh Man You’re Fucked Now What?

for a job. Typos and formatting errors are highly recommended. Include interests such as Magic: The Gathering, or self-tanning.

Write cover letters that espouse monetary ambition, and explain jail time. Send out ten or fifteen of these resumes and cover letters to your top employers. Make seven or ten follow-up calls to verify that the employer received the application materials for each one (especially for the jobs that explicitly request no phone contact). If you enjoy speaking in an accent, now is an appropriate time to let loose. Then, send in your resume.

I guarantee they will breathe a sigh of relief. Remember, it's jobless losers who fancy themselves above moral reprehensibility.

Get your foot in the door: As any senior knows, half the battle is getting a little face time with prospective employers. Waiting around for an invitation is a luxury we no longer can afford. One way to get an improptu meeting is what I like

With a little ingenuity and can-do attitude, even we art history majors can hope for gainful employment. dencies, and don’t need a so-called professional to elucidate the value of networking.

Avoid these useless avenues and turn to unconventional inspiration. Given the current economic peril, I recommend offering your services to businesses that specialize in bankruptcy or foreclosures.

Become a rose among thorns: With swelling SAT scores and college graduates, the competition thickens each year. Conventional and “ethical” methods of job hunting have grown obsolete. To stand out in today’s world, you need to level the playing field by fabricating the competition.

To do this, imagine the group of people you’d like to compete against. Really get creative with this. Think of the quasi-illiterate, vociferous, victim-of-one-too-many-kegstands, B-list athletes. Then, write their resumes. Really, don’t hold back. This can and should be the most fun you have applying

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to call the Doctor’s Walk. I picked up this skill when I was six years old, and attempted to visit my newborn cousin in the hospital during non-visiting hours. My mother told me: pretend you’re a doctor. If you walk the walk, people will believe you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Admittedly, I was a cocky kid, but by the time I rounded the first corridor, I genuinely believed I had completed my residency. With a little arrogance, and a lot of swagger, a qualified walk can work wonders for gaining access to places you aren’t wanted. This technique extends beyond hospital doors. If an employer is dodging your emails and calls, I recommend just showing up. Walk the walk, and if anyone asks, just insist you are a doctor. O Mara Sacks is a senior majoring in art history and psychology. If you, or someone you know, would like to hire her next year, please email mara.sacks@tufts.edu.

April 1, 2008

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Utter Hillarity: Funny in the Dull

A

BY

SOPHIE PACK

uthors Note: Before reading this article, let me warn you that I have concealed within the paragraphs an incredibly hilarious joke I heard today. At first the article was an intriguing and tasteful review of a play, but then I realized the joke would be much funnier if I made the article as dull as I possibly could. I took it upon myself to concoct the most outrageously insignificant review that has ever lived, so the reward of the funny shall be even sweeter. You’re welcome.

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April 1, 2008

Today I decided to go see a play called “The Life of a Man.” Upon entrance, I decided I was thirsty and went to the concession stand to purchase a beverage. I was irked to find that the line was particularly long, so I settled with finding my seat and watching the play.

The play itself was pretty okay. Okay indeed, like the Mexicans say. There were many actors, all of whom acted quite a bit, with costumes, and they were on a stage, which was black. At first, I was a bit quizzical. “Am I in the right seat?” I thought to myself. “Yes,” I replied, “Surely I must be in the right seat, for I was seated by the usher, who is well-practiced at find-

ing the right seat. I wonder whether ushers are trained in the art of ushering?

They are under appreciated as a people, that is for certain.” Yes, there is certainly a lot of pressure in being an usher.

At the climax of the play, I was shocked.

Absolutely shocked. Something very strange happened! It reminded me of another play I’d seen recently, only that play was about the Revolutionary War and this one was not about the Revolutionary War. But in both, the beginning and ending were not as exciting as the part right before the ending…

Sophie Pack is a freshman majoring in dissemblance.

How to Procrastinate Like You Were Born 3 days Late Then Moseyed Out of Your Mother’s Womb Fresh From a Nap and Drizzled in Cheeto Dust ...

I

BY

EMMA WALLACE

t has come to the attention of the administration that productivity around Tufts has been at an alltime high. It is disheartening to look around the campus and see scholars, musicians, artists, and even researchers not throwing their time away when they all have the potential to be doing, in scientific terms, diddily squat. This reporter, one of the few true procrastinators left, has decided to take it into her own hands. I don’t know what has gotten into all of you efficient time users, but frankly, it makes me ill. And no, that’s not because I just downed five pounds of Marshmallow Fluff (yeah, just to see if I could. Take notes).

I am determined to save this campus from a world I fear: a world where meals are eaten when hungry and not purely to test the fro-yo limits of your digestive system; a world where no space is stared off into; a world where the idea of an elephant stampede 30 members strong isn’t considered a well-thought-out plan of action to kick start total Tufts domination. Tufts, it’s time to procrastinate before you all remember why you shouldn’t. By the end of these six steps weaning you slowly off productivity, you could be sitting in the library, no study materials in site unless you count a killer fort, complete with running water and homemade snacks. Yes, you too can be a “pro-crastinator.” The word itself urges humans to desire the achievement of its title. A follow-up piece on how to cram will follow eventually, when I find the time. But time seems to be a damn good sardines player.

1. Buddy up: In all good step-by-step programs, you need a support system. Someone who’s there if you suddenly feel the desire to organize, schedule, or focus your eyes for more than a minute. This companion may give you tough

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love at times but he or she really does have your best interest-of-the-moment in mind.

I was lucky enough to have my procrastination buddy (“crasti-pal”) be live-in (never doubt the roommate pairing system), but the most tried and true way to find your compatible friend is to simply leave it to luck: lie in the middle of the hallway with your shoes on and permanent markers within arm's length. Whoever draws the most unique and well-thought-out caricature and/or most life like penis is meant to be your TWFF (Time-Wasting Friend Forever).

2. Pop goes the awesomeness: Many people’s downfall after a day of steadfast procrastination is the call from home. A pin to that awesome balloon you had developed

around yourself to shield you from the reality of life’s responsibilities. All it takes is the disappointment in your mother’s voice to collapse the K’nex-like world of procrastination euphoria. (Tip: K’nex are awesome.

Try procrastinating with them. Never ever eat them). When your mom calls, be ready with the following cover story: “Hey (insert adorable childhood nickname for mother dearest). The buddies and I are just deep in a political discussion about boring stuff. No open flames are nearby and I haven’t even thought about the symmetry of my hair.

To me, a voluptuous tail just says: ‘hey there good look‘n.’

Wish I could talk about my love for you, but I’m really busy earning good grades and representing my generation of no-good freeloaders. Call you later.”

3. People Pollution: There is no bigger downer than being surrounded by the campus bottom feeders: productivores.

Kind of like carnivores, but way more evil, productivores rip through the flesh of fun Jurassic Park style. Or like when that little dude is climbing the fence and the other chick is about to turn on the power. And you’re like, “DEAR GOD NO!” Metaphor lost. Either way, it’s good to get outside, away from any peer pressure to produce (also applicable advice for sex talk articles).

I enjoy taking this procrastinatively productive time to piece together my night before. There is nothing like walking into a frat during the day to give you a feeling similar to drunkenly getting off at the wrong floor in your dorm. It seems familiar, but there’s an Alice in Wonderland factor that’s really throwing you off and kind of making you queasy.

4. Hide and go do something useless: When easing out of a life of time management skills, schedules, and to do-lists, it’s important to come down slowly. Like from heroin.

I suggest the “out of sight out of mind” approach. For example, I had to write this article two days ago, but to avoid the aching desire to get it done, I hid my computer and any writing implements behind a burning wall of doom. Oscar the troll was kind enough to play bouncer, Wizard of Oz flying monkey style. Once you can’t see what you’re avoiding the only thing that will be there to remind you of work are those “emotions” and “feelings.” Procrastinators have learned to keep these bottled up. Specifically in a vodka bottleshaped container in their hearts.

5. Procrasti-snacki: Everyone’s got to eat. When in doubt, when you’re out of all other options, April 1, 2008

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13

and are about to give the code word to Oscar, just grab your TWFF and head to the closest dining hall (consider this my official plug for Carmichael). It is super easy to kill three or four hours in these havens.

Sample every option from the salad bar.

Test every sneeze guard for quality. Stage an impromptu dance party to the tunes blasting from the coolest club on campus — the dishroom. Stack things (drinking cups are a favorite, but go ahead and branch out — bowls and plates, pieces of

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April 1, 2008

lasagna, chairs, ice cream cones, and even your friends will all make great stackees).

Reposition all the spotlights to point at one table (obviously Carmichael specific). Do whatever it takes to stay there long enough to get in two properly timed meals for the swipe of one. And if you can get away with it, do a quick fro-yo stand. (I got up to four. Dare you to beat it without getting banned from the frozen treat section).

In the end, procrastination is about being creative. Don’t get down on your-

self just because you keep getting good grades or sneaking in an extracurricular.

College is a learning experience and you will achieve procrastinator status eventually, but if you got to the end of this article, it’s going to be a bumpy road with that rock-hard attention span of yours. (Note from the editor: Emma’s Ex-college seminar on procrastination has been postponed indefinitely). O Emma Wallace is a freshman majoring in Entropy.

ADONIS?

ARTS AND EXCURSIONS

April 1, 2008

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15

A MICHAEL TUCKER

Tufts Female Culture Series

Women’s Studies Department To Hold Baking and House Cleaning Symposium BY

FLANNEL C. LARGEBODY

T

he Tufts Department of Women’s Studies announced last Wednesday that it plans on holding a symposium on baking and house cleaning.

The event will feature roundtable discussions on baking and cleaning, as well as general house cleaning. In addition, there will be in-kitchen cooking and hands-on cleaning seminars.

The symposium is scheduled for April 20, and is open exclusively to Tufts’ female students. “The department wanted to include men, but it wasn’t possible,” said Women’s Studies department chair Susan Badokian.

On the exclusion of men, junior Alice Silvfarb said, “It will allow me to better focus on the issues. Without men, there won’t be any reason to doll myself up.”

Sophomore international student Se Kond Klass agreed. “Without men participating, I won’t constantly have to worry about what I look like.”

A high volume of women are pro-

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April 1, 2008

jected to attend, which has created many logistical problems for departmental organizers. “The sign-up list for the cleaning seminar was almost immediately fi lled,” said Badokian. “With all those cleaning women, we needed to find a lot of places to clean.”

In an effort to solve the problem, the Department of Athletics offered both the time and the facilities of many of its sports teams. The men’s baseball and lacrosse teams agreed to allow their rooms to be cleaned by the women during the cleaning seminars. The football and basketball teams are scheduled to eat the food produced during the baking and cooking seminar.

“It’s a great way to get the men involved,” said Badokian. “I think the department figured out a way to please both genders equally.”

The symposium has been heralded by many female on-campus groups as a unifying event. Sarah Butch, president of the Axis of Tufts Feminists, said, “It will be a chance for women to come together, to meet on common ground.”

“Some female students don’t like baking or cooking,” said Badokian. “The department wanted to make sure no woman would feel alienated, so we decided to include a seminar on house cleaning as well.”

Some students believe that the symposium is a sign that the administration is taking responsibility for Tufts President Larry Bacow’s controversial statement last semester. In October, Bacow was quoted in an interview: “It’s a big and scary world out there — some women will have their best success in the kitchen or laundry room.”

The statement was heavily criticized.

According to Butch, there is no place for thinking like that at Tufts. “We are a progressive school,” she said. “I believe we should embrace diversity. Bacow says ‘some’ women. I say all women have an equal chance to excel in the laundry room or kitchen.”

The Symposium is drawing surprisingly little opposition from student groups. “You can’t argue with gender construction when it tastes so good,” said the Tufts LGBT President regarding the baking seminars. O

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Canadian Culture War BY

A

HERRING SCHULTZER

culture war is brewing in North America. Not, as you would think, in the cities of the United States, but in the Great White North: Canada. The marriage of Canadians and the French, both living in the foul wastes north of the St. Lawrence River, produces a bitter sap; one made into a syrup inedible at even the foulest IHOP. It was clear to some that trouble was brewing in a confrontation three weeks ago in the capital, Toronto. The Saskatchewan Confederation of Bear Wrestlers, Canada’s largest political party, got into a rowdy verbal dispute with the Quebecois Association of Bear Lovers, the largest French political party. No physical contact occurred, but it marked the most violent non-hockey related altercation since debate started on the Dog Tax in 1867.

The feud between the groups is representative of an underlying problem existing within Canada’s cultures. “There were no injuries, but some feelings were hurt,” said Donald McDouglas, lumberjack and the longest sitting Member of Parliament in Canadian history.

Along some stretches of the Celine Dion Highway, the largest of Canada’s four highways, some road signs have been replaced with English-only versions. “This is a clear sign to the French community — it says we don’t want you here,” said Douglas McDonald, the Mountie who patrols the highway on horseback.

Other Mounties in some cities have recieved complaints of strongly worded let-

ters to the editor that denounce the French presence in Canada. Whether this is related to the intentional misprinting of signs was unknown as of press time.

Roving gangs of Canadian youth are terrorizing some communities, as reported by the Montreal Hockey Gazette and Syrup Revue, Canada’s largest newspaper. Loitering around local Tim Horton’s Donut Shops, in blatant violation of the “No Loitering” signs, many youths have community leaders frightened.

“These are the times that try men’s souls,” said Adams McHarper, the Minister of Wheat. “It starts off with kids loitering in explicitly anti-loitering zones. It ends with jaywalking and failure to signal lane changes.

That’s not the Canada I grew up in.” He paused for a moment. “Oh my! I finished a sentence with a preposition.”

French children have responded to the boastful and aggressive loitering of their Canadian counterparts.

Baguettes and berets now litter the streets of some French cities. Francois Boisvin, a thirteen-year-old, said of their littering, “They can take our liberty, but never our baguettes and berets. If they are going to loiter, we are going to litter.”

In response to the unchecked littering, Parliament, now controlled by the Saskatchewan Confederation of Bear Wrestlers, exacted revenge on the French population. They reduced the daily governmental wine distribution down from four bottles per person to two. This move was met with cries of “Sacre bleu!” from the French minority.

“But my children need wine!” screamed one French Member of Parliament from the

coldest recesses of the Parliamentary Igloo.

His objections were echoed by the rest of the French delegation, who stormed out of the Igloo in protest. A rare thaw on the lake prevented the French from skating across the ice, trapping them in the Igloo. Since they had nowhere to go and nothing better to do, the issue was temporarily set aside to resume debate on the Dog Tax. Most athletes are not eager for change.

Famed moose racer Douglas McKenzie said of his sport, “It’s a Canadian sport, and I

don’t want any French in it.” Honorary Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky, mentioned by both sides as a mediator, denied to comment on the issue, as he refuses to acknowledge his appointment and was busy organizing a game of shinny.

Despite these grim omens, there is some hope for Canada’s cultural future. The country’s most beloved athlete and public figure, 39-year-old four time National Curling Champion Harper McAdams, has called for a symbolic cease-fire between the two groups.

“I believe that this could all be solved with a rousing match of curling.” O Are you a Canadian or French Canadian with opinions on this article? I’m sorry to hear that. Assuming you have internet access, comment at www. tuftsobserver.org April 1, 2008

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17

The following is a letter actually sent to the Observer Arts Section. It is in no way fictional.

An open letter to all the girls who continously deny my sexual advances, a.k.a. why won’t you sleep with me?

Dear Tufts Girls, I am a sophomore at Tufts, almost halfway through my collegiate career. Unfortunately, I haven’t “hooked up” with any girls.

I once told everyone in my dorm that I made out with a girl. They were surprised, but proud. I still don’t have the heart to tell them that I later found out he was a French boy from the International House. I was drunk, he was a French. It was a freshman mistake, one any student could have made. But my dorm mates could never know — they would never understand. But after reading this... they will know. And I’m sorry, Pierre. Our secret is out.

I constantly hear about girls on my hall hooking up with guys. One of my friends, Terry, totally messes with chicks. I know it happens. I just don’t understand why it can’t be me. Odds are I am not your friend, so it won’t be awkward after. I’ll even let you deny it. I won’t say “hi” to you in the dorm. I won’t sit with you in Dewick. I won’t look at your Facebook profile in public.

I always thought that I was responsible for my own failures. I was crazy enough to believe that it was some fault of my own that was the cause. Then it became clear. It is your fault, not mine. I just don’t get it. I am sure that I am compatible with most of you girls.

After two years of Facebooking, I feel like I have gotten to know most of you very well.

We share the same activities and interests, and enjoy the same music, TV shows, movies, and books.

I haven’t had that much experience, but I am confident. I have been described as “adequate and slightly above average.” Trust

me; middle school girls know what they’re talking about. Don’t get me wrong. I have never engaged in any sexual activity with a middle school girl — just asked them to gage my size. Any Child Development Major can attest that a child of middle school age has fully developed spatial reasoning and sound visual judgment.

So, girls, now you know how I feel.

Maybe one of you will take kindly to my words and let me anywhere near your hands, chest, mouth, feet, or elbows. As long as you keep your Facebook profiles open to the public — we’ll keep in touch.

Freshman Tad Murphy said of the incident, “Negative energy man, total buzzkill.” Other students shared the sentiment; “Totally killer,” said Conner Brown, “Total bummer.”

Some students were not surprised.

“We live in a patriarchal, jingoistic, sexist, capitalistic, racist, chauvinistic, classist society — is it any surprise som ething like this would happen?” said senior Dan D. Ummbitsh.

The Tufts administration is investigating the case, and TUPD is launching an internal probe into allegations of excessive use of police force. Some contend that the officers’ aggression was revenge for an April 20, 2007

incident in which TUPD officers were forced from the library roof by a barrage of Frisbees and hacky sacks.

Some applaud TUPD’s efforts. “I am just sick and tired of hearing Phish and Dave Matthews Band whenever I am by the library,” said junior Schmoo Ruden. “I am glad those reefer jockeys got what was coming to ‘em!”

Unconfirmed reports claim that Tufts President Larry Bacow was on the roof at the time of the incident. According to an anonymous source, TUPD officers spared Bacow a clubbing, and instead flogged the esteemed educator. Sgt. Miller said denied the allegations; “I would never flog Larry.” O

Signed, Hopeless Romantic O Tufts Film Series presents: WHITE DEVIL Written by Sal Floathing Directed by Gil T. Cracker A Tufts Student Film

1337

Green and Red TUPD officers vent repressed high school memories, kick stoner ass BY

THOMAS SUTHERLAND

A

small riot erupted on the library roof at midnight yesterday. TUPD officers clashed with over 40 students smoking marijuana, according to the police report. Sergeant Frank Miller, head of the Tufts anti-drug task force, says the raid was planned. “Eah, it was a sting. Ah, we came in with billy clubs in hand. Um, ah, to crack some hippie skulls.”

And crack hippie skulls they did.

According to eye witness reports, TUPD officers rushed onto the library roof, sealing off the only exit. “It was stoner bashing time,” said one officer, “just like in high school.” The officers mercilessly beat the students well into the night, until pieces of hemp hoodies were deeply embedded into their batons.

The library roof ran red with hippie blood and spilled Odwalla. “It was horrible,” said one student. “There was blood and sandals and fair-trade coffee everywhere.”

Eighteen students were taken to the hospital for blunt trauma injuries, three of whom are still awaiting release.

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April 1, 2008

Find Your Spring Fling: Dating Advice You Need to Know BY

ALINA SHEVLAK

I

t’s springtime and love is in the air.

That awkward, windy, half-drizzling, annoyingly cloudy kind of weather makes you, the birds, and the bees realize that it’s time to find someone to fling with this spring. You find yourself reading poetry whether you’re between Friday morning classes or when you’re hungover from a night out and have been eating cold pizza all morning. It’s all part of getting in the mood, because it just so happens to be that time of year again…

You know what you want. You’ve considered it; you’ve thought about it. Now you have to act.

Guys, once you’ve set your eyes on the potential target, play it smooth. Burp that alphabet: your crush will love it when you show your skill after eating those onion rings you like so much — sexy. And if you can dance, shake it to Britney’s “Break the Ice” and chant those lyrics loud and proud: “You ain’t gotta be scared/We’re grown now/I’m a hit defrost on ya.”

Ladies, make sure to work it for a few weeks before you do anything drastic. Stalk your potential man on Facebook more than you do usually. Don’t be afraid to over-perfume. The asthmatic sitting next to you during your two-hour lecture class (that your future date rarely shows up to) will greatly appreciate it. Be provocative. Wear sequins.

Spend some extra time at the tanning salon — orange is the new pale.

For both guys and girls, after your flirting tactics prove successful and you set a time for the big date, start getting ready for what may turn out to be the best day of your life.

Girls, wear that over-the-top evening dress that’s been sitting in your closet since your senior prom. Wear those five-inch heels that you’ve been meaning to break in. Don’t worry, you probably won’t twist your ankle like you did the last time you wore them.

Guys, today is the day to wear those jeans cutoffs you found one day in the laun-

RYAN STOLP

dryy room. Go all out McLovin’ style and wear a vest. Aladdin is sexy, and you will be too if you can rock the leather vest look.

Dazzle your date with your remarkable taste in unique shoelaces and other brightly colored accessories.

For the actual date, let your guy or girl choose a T stop to get out where you’ve never been before. And if people are looking at you strangely, laugh it off — it’s spring, you are ready for some action, and they clearly don’t know fashion. You might get off at Broadway and get a nice view of the rarely seen industrial part of Boston filled with warehouses, gas stations, and dumpsters.

You might even get really lucky and end up on that final T stop on the blue line that nobody has ever gone to: “Wonderland.”

Aren’t you curious to find out what magical place that might be? You should definitely check it out together. Be mindful of the time, though, once you’re there; the last T back is at midnight, so unless you’re spending the night with Cinderella, you’ll have to pay that 40 dollar cab fare.

Once you make it back at a reasonable hour, you may realize that your fly has been

unzipped or that your bra has been hanging out of your shirt. If anything, it’s endearing. Who says tighty whiteys aren’t in this season?

Once you’re back at your place, mix your date a drink. Something special. Maybe some of that mystery juice left over from the party in your dorm last night or some of the remnants of the beer pong game.

Now we all know how things go next.

We survey the date’s room. We wonder… where is that smell coming from? Don’t worry, it’s never you. Check out the posters on the wall while you’re surveying the room — they could be quite telling. You may be looking at a serious romance in the near future; how do you really feel about My Chemical Romance? Poogles? A lifesize picture of the ex hanging on the ceiling above the bed?

You’ve taken it this far; are you going to seal the deal?

A short note to the wise: always remember to have a back-up plan. If things don’t work out, there’s always an option B, or someone who might be willing to be your option B. Happy hunting! O April 1, 2008

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19

A Luxurious Burrito in Davis Square BY

EMILY ROITMAN

E

very so often, the typical Tufts student needs a break from the refined dog food that is so kindly provided by the staff of Dewick-MacPhie and Carmichael Dining Halls. When the Tuscan Chicken from Tasty’s just won’t do it anymore, and the Dunkin’ Donuts people refer to you by name and order, you know it’s time for a change.

A hidden gem located across from the McDonald’s in Davis Square, Anna’s Taqueria is just the type of classy getaway that your doctor would have called for if he saw you with one of Carmichael’s vegan “brownies” (you only think that they recycle that cardboard behind the Houston dumpster).

A black-tie-optional Mexican restaurant, Anna’s isn’t for those regular Sunday afternoons. While delicious, the super chicken burrito will set you back $5.25, so hit the ATM before you venture into town. Ladies, pull out your old prom dresses — you’ll find that the counter staff will offer up plenty of smiles and winks if you’re dressed to the nines. Gentlemen, those sweatpants you bought at the bookstore your freshman year will not be received lightly at this top-notch establishment.

As for the gracious ambience, Anna’s has the mood lighting to turn any lunch date into what Borat might refer to as a “sexytime.” Three flowery chandeliers and Sevres-style dinner plates impress onlookers exiting the nearby Goodwill. The refreshing smell of bleach will tempt your nostrils as a staff member scrubs guacamole from a nearby table. Furthermore, restaurant-goers will be pleased by the diversity of their fellow noshers — everyone from the girl in your Tuesday physics recitation to the gentleman that lives on the bench across from the Broken Yolk will grace you with their presence during lunch or dinner.

I would recommend calling for a reservation at least two weeks in advance so as to ensure yourself a spot during peak meal20

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April 1, 2008

ERIN BALDASSARI

times. It’s a sign of respect for the chefs that worked hard to roast the chicken on that gigantic grill so that you could blissfully shovel it into your mouth. Besides, you wouldn’t want a spoonful of salsa to the eyes as a reminder of the sacred bond between chef and patron. You might also consider tossing a few coins into the tip jar; I know you’re already breaking the bank, but it’s worth it to guarantee yourself a few more chicken bits on your next visit.

Additionally, that call-ahead policy might save you a Joey trip to Davis — Anna’s occasionally shuts down to meet the needs of a highly sophisticated clientele.

Last week, Paris Hilton was spotted behind the potted plant, feeding her Chihuahua the remains of a beef taco. Word has it that J.K. Rowling stopped at Anna’s for a quesadilla before delivering the keynote address at Harvard’s 2007 commencement ceremony.

When you bite into one of the restaurant’s specialties, you’ll understand why the celebrities are going berserk for Anna’s.

My personal favorite, the chicken burrito, is proof of the elegant plating rituals and luscious ingredients that make up the menu. The burrito is stylishly presented

on an oval platter, its foil-wrapped goodness resembling a Hulk-sized silver tootsie roll. After one unfurls the casing, a first bite reveals the sumptuous contents of your pricey entrée: chicken, rice, perhaps a small glob of guacamole if you were in the mood to splurge. I would advise patrons to stock up on the napkins that reside in a delicate stack near the trash cans; that hot sauce you ordered while batting your eyelashes at your date may well find its way onto your lap. You don’t want that prom dress smelling like Tabasco and garlic forever, do you?

Anna’s Taqueria is a restaurant teeming with elegance, grace, and the type of oldworld charm one expects to find only at the Oscars or a Southern cotillion. Head to 236 Elm Street, and don’t forget the bow tie, because a night of culture and sophistication awaits you at Anna’s Taqueria. O

Bite-sized news you might have missed since our last issue.

Tufts Cannot Turn Frown Upside Down According to a study released by the Tufts Department of Psychology, self-loathing is at an all time high among Jumbos. Students say they do not deserve anything better.

Tufts Alum Makes a Mark in the Restaurant Industry Jumbo John Smith (A ’04) recently reached a career high when he was hired as a drive–thru window attendant at the McDonald’s in Somerville’s Davis Square. McSmith will be dishing out fries and pouring soft drinks from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. Although he acknowledged that his bachelor's degree perhaps made him slightly “overqualified”for his new position, Smith also said that he was looking forward to the perks it offered, “like the free milkshakes.”

Toilet Paper Taboo The TCU Senate recently approved the formation of a new student group, the “Committee for the Abolishment of Toilet Paper.” Armed with a $50,000 budget, this new group hopes to make wiping your ass as taboo as drinking bottled water. Butt scratching will ensue.

RYAN STOLP — MASTER OF SQUIRRELS

wesleyan university

summer l anguage institute Arabic French Russian Spanish

New Facebook Applications According to company insiders, Facebook will soon institute an optional subscription model. For $15 a month, subscribers will be able to view the full profiles of all users.

For an extra $10, users can purchase a premium subscription, which will allow them to use an exclusive computer algorithm to remove all clothing from Facebook pictures.

Local Study Targets Indie Teens A new study by the Cambridge Health Alliance shows a 25 percent increase in hospitalizations among local indie high school students. The study has yet to determine the exact cause, but researchers suspect that super tight jeans might be contributing to poor blood circulation and an unusually high amount of leg amputations. Fortunately for the indie teens, most MySpace pictures will not be affected.

2 semesters of language credit in 4 weeks of immersion

From the Desk of Mara Sacks

APPLY NOW!

Here at the O, we considered doing a parody of the Primary Source as part of this issue. However, we decided that kicking an injured puppy really wasn’t necessary.

June 2-27, 2008 Wesleyan University Middletown, CT www.wesleyan.edu/summer For more information call 860-685-2900 or email summer@wesleyan.edu

—Collectively bullshitted by the O Staff April 1, 2008

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21

POETRY AND PROSE

How to Write the Best Love Letter Ever BY

I

SAM MCCAULEY

’ve been called “the love master,” “the man of ladies men” and “probably one of the

most romantic men alive.” And that was just in a single breakfast conversation with my grandmother.

Guys approach me every day. “Sam,” they say, “I see you with an endless flow of intelligent and attractive women, sometimes up to eight at the same time. How do you do it?” I tell them that the answer is simple: the key to a woman’s heart is a Porsche.

Without a Porsche, the best one can do is a well-written love letter.

So how do you organize a love letter to

all the way across the top of the letter. “<3” is how you write a heart using a keyboard if you don’t know how to make the heart symbol, or if you have no dignity. If the letter is handwritten, you can draw roses and hearts on the top and side of the letter. Crude stick figure drawings that express your love are always a fun and effective option.

Once the letter has been correctly decorated, you may confidently start writing.

The introduction, or slow and steady portion, should start out with a greeting. Let’s say that the love of your life is named Jennifer. You may not begin “Dear Jennifer.”

That greeting is boring and unoriginal. A girl reading that greeting will invariably throw away or eat the letter, no matter how many times you wrote “<3” on the top. “What ho, Jennifer!” is another creative greeting.

“How’s it hanging, Jennifer?” also seems to be effective, although some girls are alienated by that type of greeting (contractions in this portion of the letter are risky in general). However you begin the letter, it should be short and interesting, leading her into the

personally find that it is convenient to rearrange the words in the first sentence and repeat them for the rest of the paragraph.

If the first sentence is “I love you so much,” the second could be “You, I love so much,” followed by “So much I love you.” This will confuse your potential hot babe, while drilling your message into her head. Experts may inject romantic words into the sentences, but I must caution that too many words will break the rhythm, disappointing your woman.

The introduction may be as long as you wish, but once the pace gets too fast, or you run out of sentence permutations, you must move on to the rising action. The rising action should consist of increasingly short sentences ending in exclamation points. Start out long: “I love you like a horse loves water!” or “There’s a party in my pants, and this is your exclusive invitation!” Then slowly allow your sentences to get shorter, with sentences like “I love you!” and “You’re fairly attractive!” As you approach one-word sentences, make sure that

The first sentence should set the pace. “I love you so much” is a classic, and one of my favorites. “OMG you are the world to me and I love you” is a longer sentence, more suited to eloquent and fluid writers, or people who won’t shut the hell up. get all the babes? First, a love letter must be formatted correctly. Then the writing of the letter itself may begin. The love letter must have an introduction, which is slow and steady. As the letter continues into the middle portion (the “rising action”), it should slowly build pace, to promote excitement and to prevent the love letter from getting boring. The letter should build and build until it gets to the climax of the love letter, where the writer finally announces his feelings honestly. Then the letter calms down drastically, and there is usually some cuddling until the letter finally ends and the man leaves.

The format of the love letter must be romantic and attractive. If the letter is typed, you should start out by writing “<3” 22

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April 1, 2008

rest of the introduction.

The introductory paragraph should, as I mentioned, be slow and steady. Experts may vary sentence order and wording, but if you are getting less than four women a night, I would suggest that you stay close to my examples. The first sentence should set the pace. “I love you so much” is a classic, and one of my favorites. “OMG you are the world to me and I love you” is a longer sentence, more suited to eloquent and fluid writers, or people who won’t shut the hell up. “You are like a shining star, bringing light to my life” is good for poetic letters.

“I want to be inside you” is, however, only advisable if you are being sarcastic.

The rest of the introduction is simply an elaboration of the first sentence. I

their topic is focused on your lovebird. If she is a classy girl, end with sentences like “love!” “life!” and “flowers!” If she is a tall girl, end with sentences like “love!” “basketball!” and “high shelves!” If she is blind, end with any sentences you wish.

Now the climax has been reached.

This is the open part of the letter. Scream your emotions without any regards for censorship or what the other person might think. “There’s no one in my life but you!” is a great part of a climatic paragraph. “I’ve been spying on you as you dress each morning!” is usually a bad idea, but if the letter was written correctly, she will be so overwhelmed by love she won’t notice. Continue with this disgorgement of words until you get near your assigned word limit for the

lov lim no leg go da fut

wi ter be en sta sio me

rend ph. h,” h,” his hile rts ncrds our

as ast, ns, he ngon ea in tato u!” aphat

love letter. If you are not sure of the word limit, ask one of your classmates. If they are not online, just do 500, because most college essays demand 500 words, and if it’s good enough for Tufts University it had damn well better be good enough for your future mate.

The climax being finished, end the letter

The conclusion sentences should be reflective and important-sounding. “In conclusion, I’ve been thinking about my love for you my entire life” is a classy, effective wrapup. Occasionally, it might be a good idea for experts to broach new topics for the sake of a smooth transition to the ending, such as “in conclusion, if I were a magician, I would

Your final sentence should be romantic, but conclusive. “Love, Sam XOXOXOXOXO” is a popular one. Of course, you should substitute your own name in if appropriate.

Once you have finished, look over your paper and check for any spelling mistakes.

Add a few more hearts if you feel that it’s necessary. Now you’re done with your let-

If you’re still far from your word limit, fill the rest of the conclusion up with garbage. This is a timeless writing tactic invented by Thomas Edison,and used

by Earnest Hemmingway, Allen Ginsberg, and William Shakespeare. with a conclusion. Remember, your counterpart will be exhausted from reading the beginning of the letter, and will only have enough energy for a quick wrap up. Always start your final paragraph with “in conclusion.” My fifth grade English teacher gave me that advice, and I’ve never looked back.

want to pull you out of my hat. Instead of the bunny rabbit. You know.” If you’re still far from your word limit, fill the rest of the conclusion up with garbage. This is a timeless writing tactic invented by Thomas Edison, and used by Earnest Hemmingway, Allen Ginsberg, and William Shakespeare.

ter, so put it in an envelope and mail it to your buttercup, or just give it to her sometime. The final and most important step is to leave your door open, so she will not break it in her lust-driven excitement to get to you.

Love, Sam. XOXOXOXOXO O

If ike tall etnd,

ed. am enght u!” ’ve rnter erue ou he April 1, 2008

THE OBSERVER

23

CAMPUS

First Annual Bacow Luau Wednesday, April 1: “Welcome spring by getting lei’d at the Bacows!”

Featuring a conga line, karaoke and a pig roast — plus Larry’s famous tropical coctails!

7:00 p.m. — 11:00 p.m. at the Gifford House and the President’s Lawn

blotter

police

Monday, March 17 At 11:00 a.m. TUPD responded to a noise complaint in Dublin.

Upon arrival, officers observed an absurd number of underage persons drinking what appeared to be green beer. The abundance of alcohol appeared to have its origin from kegs throughout the city. After further investigation, officers realized that instead of the usual “Natural Light” found at most on campus parties, Guinness and unspecified green alcohol seemed to be the norm. Shortly thereafter, the much needed TEMS arrived on the scene, only to become quickly intoxicated themselves, after being offered green punch from a (non-Tufts) leprechaun. After “confiscating” the kegs and a few cups just for good measure, TUPD drunkenly reported the entire city to the Dean’s office.

Thursday, March 21 At 10:56 p.m., TUPD responded to a fraternity house on Professors Row. Upon arrival, officers observed a fan blowing smoke out of a second story window. When they entered the house and went upstairs, officers found ten Tufts students who had been smoking marijuana. Although the students vehemently denied the allegations, the four empty plastic baggies, towel under the door, can of air freshener, fan blowing out an open window during a hail storm, three bongs, five finished pints of ice cream, three half-eaten bags of cheese puffs, one bottle of eye drops, DVD of Planet Earth playing in the background, and non-intelligible talk of the wonders and beauty of artificial cheese seemed like enough probable cause for the officers.

Friday, March 22 At 5:30 p.m., TUPD received a call from an angry faculty member who had parked his car in the Lower Campus parking lot. Not only did the perpetrator smash his window to take his obviously placed GPS system, but the steering wheel, passenger seat, and bumper sticker reading “without geometry life is pointless” were all also reportedly missing.

Monday, March 24 At 8:00 p.m., TUPD responded to Tisch Library, where a Tufts student had been caught masturbating in the stacks. When officers questioned the student, he stated that he “dreamed of being on the front page of the Daily on a day when many prospective students would see the paper and this seemed to be a good way of doing it.” He also stated that his spring break trip to Cancun made him crave “more excitement from Tufts” and the “dusty stacks needed a little spicing up.” After searching his bag, officers found a bottle of free lubricant courtesy of Health Services and a printout of the MySpace profile page of “Kristen,” the infamous choice prostitute of Eliot Spitzer.

—Honestly fabricated by Molly Posner 24

THE OBSERVER

April 1, 2008

PARTING SHOT

Photo by Erin Baldassari

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